#hard to be around and embarrassing. i've always known that. i went on an orchestra trip in 7th grade and it was the last one i ever went on

[ex-furry]

here we go

#coming back to this post like an hr later cuz i don't wanna make a new post but i am not doing well ✌ like at all. i just have so much #building up inside me i feel so miserable. and i can't even cry or scream like i have been the past few days because my parents are back #and they don't get it. i feel like my emotions are never taken seriously and saying that sounds so stupid but. idk i just feel like people #irl. my parents. dismiss my emotions so easily. if i'm angry it's funny if i'm sad it's funny. it's heartbreaking. i just want to be able to #have emotions without being mocked. i want people to take me seriously and i know it's hard to take a person like me seriously but #i wish it weren't. and i'm upset about so many things that math assignment was just the cherry on top and i couldn't stop crying after that #and i know that once i start having to commute my depression is just gonna get worse and it already is because it's my second semester here #and i'm still going through ''transfer shock'' but it's been an entire semester so i don't know if i can even really call it that. #transferring has ruined my mental stability. like i couldn't have gone straight to a 4-year but i wish i had but realistically things would #be the same or worse even because i'd be at UT. and things were kind of like this at my cc honestly like i was very alone i don't think it #was this bad but it wasn't like i had more than one person i talked to when i was on campus. now i don't talk to anyone. even in breakout #rooms on zoom. earlier i thought about that time in a journalism zoom where i got put into a room with three girls who already knew e/o and #it was just miserable i felt so awful. but it's always been like this so it'll always be like this won't it. junior yr was when i realized #that i orbit around others and no one has ever orbited around me. i realized that i'm the kind of ''friend'' you only talk to when you have #to or when you have nobody else to talk to. the friend you only talk to when they happen to be around. you never reach out to them. #and that sounds guilt trippy whenever i say it and i don't mean for it to it's just the reality of the situation. it's always been like that #i've been on a decline ever since i realized that and i've tried figuring out what it is but i think it's unfixable because it's just me #that's how it has to be for me because it's never been any other way and i'm almost 21. and that's been the main motivator i guess in my #depression and suicidal ideation. that's what ruins everything. there's almost no coming back from it. but i get it i understand that i am #hard to be around and embarrassing. i've always known that. i went on an orchestra trip in 7th grade and it was the last one i ever went on #bc it was miserable. i was rooming with three or four girls who were friends with my friend but they never seemed to like me so it was just #awkward. they invited me to play cards in the hotel but i knew it was just bc they like felt bad so i said no and when we went out to like #the mall and aquarium and stuff i stayed out of every picture. either i was the one taking it or i was standing to the side. they did #photobooth pictures together and i was standing outside of it and this woman asked me why i wasn't ''in there with my friends'' and i was #like. i don't know how to explain my insecurities about this but i just knew i didn't belong in there. esp because i was only rooming with #them because i had nobody else to room with. and that's just one thing but it's a running theme in my life. an example of a constant #and i don't necessarily care abt that incident anymore like it still hurts but it also still happens. i was meant to exist by myself #and that fucking sucks. and because of that i cannot think of a single reason to stay here. and i've been so mad at myself recently because #i am still here and i just shouldn't be. there's nothing here for me except pain from these things and i wouldn't really be hurting anyone #by leaving. not to sound guilt trippy. i should just do it. i have to