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sunshineofthegroup · 7 years

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It’s Not My Fault I’m a Maniac

Geoff and Gavin try to recruit Jack for the crew, but little does Gavin know, there's a good reason she doesn't want to join. ** 'I'm outside the door, invite me in, so we can go back and play pretend' - Fall Out Boy, Alone Together ** Part 2 of a pre-FAHC/FAHC series based off FOB songs (primarily from Save Rock and Roll) [jackeoff, ~1.6k] [read on ao3]

“Does every bartender in town know your order?” Gavin asked Geoff as Geoff picked up yet another glass of whiskey he hadn’t necessarily ordered. Geoff shrugged and knocked back a good portion of the liquid.

“This one does,” Geoff said, eyeing the bartender in question. She was pretty, brownish-red curly hair, but also looked like she could easily break Geoff in half. Exactly Geoff’s type – though he generally stuck to blondes.

“She’s not another one of your ex-wives, is she?” Gavin asked.

“She wishes,” Geoff scoffed.

“You wish, Ramsey,” the bartender shot back. Geoff raised his glass in a toast.

“The offer still stands, Jack,” Geoff addressed her. “I still need a pilot. You look like you could use some cash besides what I leave in tips.”

“Yet you’re the one wearing the same dirty tuxedo every time I see you,” Jack replied coolly.

“I need a pilot,” Geoff insisted. Gavin nodded emphatically. “I’ll buy you anything you want plus one quarter of the profits from the job. One job, no contract. Please, Jack.”

“Fine,” Jack agreed. “I’ll be at your penthouse at 11:30 to discuss specifics. And you know what the ‘anything I want’ is going to be.”

“Yes, I do,” Geoff replied. “Come on, Gav, we have things to do.” He dropped a fifty on the bar as he and Gavin left the building.

“What does she want?” Gavin asked Geoff curiously. Geoff shook his head. “Come on, then.”

“It’s expensive, but it’s worth it,” Geoff said.

“So who is she, though?” Gavin asked, always so eager for any gossip.

“I’m not allowed to know women now?” Geoff responded.

“Geoffrey, the only women you know do not talk to you anymore,” Gavin pointed out. “You have three ex-wives.”

“And each one of them left with half my fortune,” Geoff said. “Not doing that again. No more Lady Ramseys.”

“Except Jack?” Gavin asked, grinning.

“Jack would never settle for being the Lady Ramsey,” Geoff said. “Trust me.”

“What are you drinking?” Jack asked him.

“Whiskey,” Geoff grunted.

“Let me guess,” Jack said, pouring a few shots. “Lady troubles.”

“I wish, dude,” Geoff sighed. “Dudette. Lady-dude.”

“Dude’s fine,” Jack said.

“Thank god, because I don’t have time for any more girls,” Geoff said, knocking back two shots. “They break your heart and take your money.”

“Yes, I hear we’re good at that,” Jack said, rolling her eyes.

“You are,” Geoff said, nodding.

“You’d think men would learn after the first two divorces, but they always go for number three,” Jack said, with the knowledge that comes from being a bartender.

“We do. We’re idiots!” Geoff exclaimed.

“More whiskey?” Jack offered.

“Sure, and your phone number, if you’re giving it out,” Geoff said.

“Hard to believe you’ve been married three times with lines like that,” Jack laughed, pouring a few more shots.

“Dude, trust me, I’m not looking for my fourth ex-wife, not tonight. No more Lady Ramseys. Though the ex-Lady Ramseys could tell you, it certainly pays well. Each better than the last.”

“You can call me Jack, if you want,” Jack told him. “Dude’s still fine, if you prefer.” She slid a napkin across the bar with her digits on it.

“I’m Geoff.” He took the shots remaining on the bar.

“Right, my future ex-husband,” Jack nodded with a laugh.

“No, no, not again. I can’t have a fourth ex-wife. The next one won’t be satisfied with my money, and she’ll take my empire too,” Geoff whined. Jack snorted, pouring two more shots.

“Gosh, I can’t imagine why they keep divorcing you,” she said.

“Exactly! I’m a nice guy! I deserve love,” Geoff said.

“If being a bartender has taught me anything, it’s that people always find love in the place they least expect it,” Jack said.

Geoff called her three days later. Standard.

“This is Pattillo,” Jack answered.

“Hey! Jack, dude. It’s Geoff from the bar. Do you want to get dinner?”

“I thought you weren’t looking for ex-wife number 4?” Jack said, amused.

“The only one saying you’ll be the next ex is you,” Geoff replied.

“Why should I go out with you? Besides it’s free dinner and you’re rich and not ugly,” Jack said.

“That’s exactly why you should go out with me,” Geoff said.

“I’m going to regret agreeing to this,” Jack said.

The first date went surprisingly well, so they proceeded to the second and third dates, and more dates after that. Jack wasn’t necessarily opposed to Geoff’s life of crime, but she wasn’t necessarily going to join him either – though she would never turn him over to the LSPD.

Soon enough, it had been three months and Geoff finally decided to stop being a huge pussy and go for it. He picked up the keys to his bright pink Zentorno and headed for Jack’s apartment across town. He knocked in an upbeat rhythm.

“Who is it?” Jack yelled from inside.

“It’s Geoff! Who else are you expecting?” Geoff replied.

“Shit… Uh…. Hold on a second…” Jack responded. Geoff was instantly suspicious. He almost dropped the bouquet of flowers he was holding in favor of his pistol, but decided against it. She finally came to the door, unlocked it, and threw it open, before pulling him inside violently, and slamming and locking the door again.

“What’s going on?” Geoff asked, his instinct that something was wrong definitely proving correct.

“Can’t be too careful,” she replied. “I don’t… uh… right. Hang on.” She disappeared back into the bathroom, of all rooms, and Geoff heard the voice of another man, one clearly in pain, so he did the only logical thing and followed her. “He’s fine, he’s not here to kill either one of us. I’m not a surgeon, but I do believe you’ll live.”

“What would I do without you, Jack?” the strange man responded.

“I don’t know, bleed out on street corners bi-weekly?” Jack said sarcastically. “Geoff, this is Ryan. Rye, my future ex-husband…”

“I pictured him different,” Ryan said, giving Geoff a once over before trying to stand. “You guys got plans? Sorry, man, I never pick a good night to get shot.”

“No night is a good night to get shot,” Jack reprimanded him. “If you’re headed for my bedroom, you better not get blood on my sheets again.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ryan muttered, staggering his way out of the bathroom and out to the living room.

“Rye’s fine… um… just let me clean up and we can go,” Jack said. Geoff agreed and went to find the flowers he’d brought some water while she cleaned up and changed.

“How did you meet Jack?” Ryan asked from the couch.

“She’s a bartender. I’m an alcoholic. It was inevitable,” Geoff said. Ryan nodded. “How’d you get shot?”

“Assholes these days, always pulling a gun,” Ryan said. “Can’t even make a dishonest living.”

“You got shot doing petty theft?” Geoff asked, unimpressed.

“He always get shot doing petty theft!” Jack chimed in from the bathroom.

“Not always!” Ryan complained. “Not always petty theft, anyway.”

“Dude, you should not be getting shot at all,” Geoff said. “Any friend of Jack’s is a friend of mine. I’ll give you some pointers sometime.”

“Don’t recruit Ryan!” Jack said loudly. “He’s clumsy and no one is afraid of him because he can’t get through two sentences without messing up a word.”

“What is he, your brother?” Geoff asked her.

“What if he was?” Jack asked, sticking her head out from the bathroom.

“You don’t look alike,” Geoff said, looking between them.

“We’re not related,” Ryan assured him.

“Good. Then she won’t mind if I try to fix you up,” Geoff said. “A month, maybe two… I have a pretty fast turnaround rate.”

“Yeah, because they end up dead,” Jack said. “Future ex-husband or not, I’d rather lose you than Ryan.”

“That’s harsh,” Geoff frowned. “Only the temps get dead. The interns usually make it to full-time staff. Rye-bread’ll get the friends and family discount. Straight upgrade to full-time staff with benefits.”

“What are the benefits like?” Ryan asked.

“No suicide missions,” Geoff said.

“What about medical?” Ryan asked.

“We’re working on hiring a new nurse,” Geoff said.

“Did the last one die?” Ryan guessed.

“That’s a safe guess,” Geoff replied. “But no, he had to step down. It was a legal thing.”

“So he’s in jail?” Ryan guessed.

“It’s not really relevant,” Geoff waved it off.

“You could do that, Jack,” Ryan called over to her. She was glaring at him from the kitchen now.

“I’m not a nurse, I’m a bartender,” Jack said.

“Are you ready?” Geoff asked her.

“I’ve been ready,” Jack said, rolling her eyes. “If you hadn’t told me I could drive the Zentorno, I’d be calling this entire date off.”

“If you crash my baby, you can say goodbye to being the future ex-Lady Ramsey,” Geoff shot back.

“I’m more of an Entity chick myself,” Jack shrugged. “Don’t burn the house down, Ryan.”

“That was one time!” Ryan insisted.

“So what happened?” Gavin asked.

“What do you think happened?” Geoff asked.

“Well, it’s you, so I’d say you probably divorced her,” Gavin said.

“I did propose, but she said no,” Geoff said. “She was mad because Ryan decided to take my offer. They had a falling out, it was a whole big deal…”

“That’s awful,” Gavin said. “If you stole my brother and nearly got him killed on a weekly basis, I’d be pretty minged off, too.”

“Ryan isn’t her brother,” Geoff rolled his eyes.

“Really?? I was convinced,” Gavin exclaimed in surprise.

“What’s the deal on that friend of yours?” Geoff asked.

“Who, Michael? He’s got some things to take care of, then he’s going to make his way our direction,” Gavin said.

“Excellent.”

#jackeoff #jackeoff fic #fahc #fake ah crew #save rock n roll series #is this formatting better? does it matter at all?#i dont know because i just read on ao3 and the formatting looks good there?#is it the comic sans? does that bother people?#i did it for the meme #editing out notes i accidentally left in posting this three months ago YIKES

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