Stephen: Harley we’re going out. You need to make some friends

Harley: why? I have plenty of friends! I have 212 friends on MySpace!

Stephen: yes, and you’ve never met a single one of them

Harley: that’s the beauty of it!

Tony: he still uses MySpace???

Peter: *sad* I want Mcnuggets.

Harley: ………Our father is a billionaire.

Peter: ohhh……I'll ask him to get me Mcnug-

Harley: -donald, just ask him to buy you the fucking Mcdonald, We can get anything we want if we-

Stephen: Harley……

Harley: I'm not talking about you, pa

Stephen: ………………Father that you're talking about is my fucking billionaire husband, you ungrateful brat, NO MCDONALD FOR YOU FROM NOW ON

Harley: wait, NO!! I'M SORRY!!

Peter:

Why is always in superheroes industry this millionaire character that lost their parents in a tragic accident, with daddy/mommy issues, has a millionaire millionaire company, a right hand man butler and has a thing to adopt orphan teenagers like there's no tomorrow? For not mentioning to become said teenagers in superheroes as well

Yes Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, I'm talking to you

Do you have headcanons for a happy/domestic life for parkner? ❤️ pls

I have a few, yeah

Harley does a majority of the cooking, and he’s honestly really good at it

movie nights (and even picking tv shows) in the Parker-Keener household are hell. all the arguments over this are hysterical

Peter does a lot of the cleaning bcuz he can lift furniture and climb up to hard to reach places

Harley is in charge of killing any and all bugs

(he lets them outside, don’t tell Peter)

they have a cat :) her name is R2 and she’s mostly Harley’s but Peter (grudgingly) loves her anyways

their decorating style is very much clutter core where like,,,, it’s cozy and obviously lived in but everything they have is used and loved and has purpose (I call this garage sale core)

I hope that’s what you’re looking for :) have a nice night anon

Harley: how was the date?

Peter: it was really fun

Harley: but?

Peter: we walked around for two hours even though neither of us want to walk anymore but we were both too scared to say anything

Tony “Soft Dad” Stark

Morgan: Dad, I’m a big girl, I don’t want dinosaur nuggets

Peter and Harley: [home from MIT for the weekend, sitting across the table after having a ketchup fight] Rawr rawr rawr rawr

Tony, lecturing Morgan: We expected this from our trouble maker child not you!

Stephen: Wait- She- she’s not the trouble maker? Then who is?

Tony: It’s Peter Duh.

Stephen: No, Peter’s the easy child. Harley’s the problem child.

Tony: No the easy child is Nebula.

Stephen: She’s not even a child! That’s a full grown adult that lives trillions of miles away in space!

Tony: Which is why she’s the easiest! She’s the farthest! She deals with her own problems herself. Like an adult!

Stephen: No she doesn’t! She’s literally traumatized because she had a mass murder for a father figure.

Tony: She’s working really hard to combat her upbringing!And doing amazing as a guardian! Besides why would you think Harley’s a problem child?

Stephen: BECAUSE HE SET THE LAB ON FIRE LAST WEEK?!?! How is PETER the problem child?

Tony: Because he a VIGILANTE that keeps trying to fight EVERY. SINGLE. CRIMINAL. IN NYC!

Stephen: ……I see your point, but besides that he’s a good kid! So, Peter’s more of the reckless child.

Tony: Ok, fine. Nebula’s a hard worker, Harley’s a problem child, and Peter is a reckless vigilante. So what does that make Morgan?

Peter, chewing on some cereal watching the whole ordeal go down: The escape artist. She snuck way five minutes ago.

Tony: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Tony: *Aggressively throws water bottles*

Y/N: Uh... what's up with him?

Harley: He's trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

Tony: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Peter, crying: It's working.

Tony Stark + Gift Giving Your pal, the Mechanic // This belongs to you - TS

Mr. Stark, I’m so sorry. — Iron Man 3 (2013)

Harley: I’d win in a fight against anyone

Peter: even your mom?

Harley: knocked out in seconds

Stephen, their mom: I can hear you two you know

Peter : *singing* Country gnomes

Harley: *singing along* Take my bones

Peter : To a place

Harley: They don't belong

Tony, who has 4 deadlines to meet in 2 hours: *eye twitching, veins popping out*

Harley: Are you ready for your birthday surprise?

Tony: Wow, that’s a big cake... Peter’s inside it, isn’t he.

The cake: no

Here's what I need: A laptop, a digital watch, a cell phone, the pneumatic actuator from your bazooka over there, a map of town, a big spring and a tuna fish sandwich.

Peter: If someone stabs you, you get to keep the knife.

Harley: And that's how you start a collection!

Shuri: If someone stabs you and you don't bleed out in 15 minutes, you're legally allowed to leave.

Bucky, who's supposed to be babysitting them: If someone throws a knife at you and you catch it, they're out.

I'm sorry.

Tony: I just asked my sweet baby Peter where does he think people go when they die and he says that they get to go live in the clouds and be happy forever and ever

Tony: I asked my bastard Harley where he thought people went when they die and he looked up at me all smiles and said “Hell”

Harley: it’s only an unpaid internship if you don’t steal enough office supplies.

Steve: Stealing is wrong.

Peter: You mean unpaid internships? I agree.

Tony: Go for the printer toner. It’s worth more than gold.

Harley: Fantastic advice

Tony: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Peter: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Harley: I personally was created in a lab.

Y/N: I was just straight up spawned lol.