Addams Family B-Side (3)
Part of: Steve Deserves Good Parents, Actually
Debbie and Fester Addams
One | Two | Three (you're here!)
Rick and Evelyn O'Connell
One | Two (on the way!)
Harley Quinn
One
10th Doctor and Rose
One | Two (on the way!)
Scooby Gang (there are plans for this one lmao, so plz be patient with me orz)
Did I already post today? Yes. Did I also post two chapters of Modern Steve in 80s Hawkins today? Yes. I am just incredibly productive today, who knows when it's gonna happen again lol
Anyway, finally! The next B-Side! This bitch has been stewing my guys, so I hope you enjoy it lol
There are two memes at the very end of this one, so definitely stick around
As always, if you see any typos, no you didn't 😘
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For four weeks, Eddie feels himself losing his mind. He finds gifts in his locker every other day, and he's convinced they're from Steve Harrington. He now has a taxidermied bat, a fancy-looking vial with a skull and crossbones embossed in the glass and filled with mysterious liquid, an actual human skull that Eddie immediately incorporates into his next campaign, and a spider. An actual spider. A live spider that, after a little research, he learns is a fucking Black Widow that seems unnaturally friendly.
Eddie can't stress that part enough. Multiple people have mistaken the spider for an intricate vest patch because it just sits perfectly still over his chest pocket. It only moves to rub its head against Eddie's fingers whenever his hand passes over it, and even then it's careful to avoid hurting him with its pincers.
He names her Nox.
Those aren't the only gifts he's received, but they're the most notable, and Eddie is overwhelmed and flustered by the positive attention he's suddenly receiving.
The other thing driving him crazy is Pubert Addams, a guy Eddie had never paid much attention to before but now considers his mortal enemy. He's convinced Pubert is, at worst, potentially abusive or, at best, delusional and taking advantage of Steve's kindness and inability to brutally turn him down. Or maybe Eddie is the crazy one; he doesn't actually know. Whichever it is, Eddie is ready to take the very nice dagger he now has (gift number 15; yes, Eddie has been counting) and stab him with it.
Because he can't get more than two minutes alone with Steve before Pubert appears out of nowhere. Eddie runs into Steve in the hall while everyone else is in class? Pubert shows up with a hall pass two seconds later and literally waltzes Steve away from him. Eddie finds Steve camped out in the library during study hall? Pubert materializes in the chair next to Steve before Eddie can sit down, leaning far too close as he asks Steve to explain something from their shared Gothic Literature class. Eddie, by some miracle, is behind Steve in the lunch line (and he calls this a miracle because Steve always brings his lunch in a pink box with black skulls, which Eddie considers incredibly brave of him to carry around like it's nothing)? Before Eddie can do more than say hi and get a blinding smile in return, Pubert fucking Addams shows up and drags Steve away while promising to share his lunch.
Eddie is just about to lose the last shred of patience he's struggling to maintain when Steve finds him. Ironically, it's the same bathroom where they first talked, the one with mysterious mold growing in the corner that Eddie is convinced is some new species. It's the only bathroom with a busted smoke detector, and Eddie goes there to get high during his free period.
He's halfway through a joint, smoke curling around him as he sits on the sink counter and tries not to think about what else has been there, when the door swings open, Steve walks in, and Eddie chokes on his inhale.
"Don't die like this," Steve says, stepping closer and patting Eddie's back like they know each other, "It's no fun."
Eddie finally gets himself under control, taking a deep breath and wincing at the way his lungs burn. "No worries," he croaks out, regretting the departure of Steve's hand on his back. "What are you doing here? Please don't tell me you plan to use this bathroom."
"As curious as I am about the bacteria teeming on these toilet seats, no." Steve sounds genuine, like he really does want to swab the toilet seats and see what grows. Instead, he places his bag on the sink and pulls out a familiar vial with a familiar skull and crossbones. "I just came to drink."
"Oh?" Eddie says, leaning forward with a grin. He looks Steve up and down, taking in the pale blue sweater vest and immaculately pressed jeans. "You don't look the drinking type, Stevie."
Steve hums, popping the cork out of the vial and taking a swig from it. "This isn't exactly hard stuff," he says after he swallows, distracted enough that Eddie thinks he misses his eyes lingering on Steve's throat as it bobs.
"Just beer then?"
"What?" Steve asks, looking at Eddie like he's delusional. "No, it's cyanide and vinegar."
He says it with such conviction that Eddie believes him despite knowing cyanide is poison. "Metal," he says, looking away to take another drag of his joint as he struggles to break through his own awkwardness and hold a conversation that will somehow sweep Steve off his feet and make him forget all about Pubert Addams.
Before he can think of something clever and smooth and funny, Steve leans close and raises a hand to his chest. Eddie is about to warn him that Nox is, in fact, real when the spider scuttles onto Steve's fingers and settles in his palm. She does a little up-and-down motion, circles in his hand twice, and rubs her head against his wrist. "You've been taking good care of her," Steve says.
"Uh, yeah. How is she not biting you right now?" Eddie asks, remembering all the times Nox has warningly snapped at others who tried to touch her.
Steve snorts and allows Nox to return to her spot on Eddie's vest. "I raised her," he says, his tone casual like he isn't admitting to showering Eddie with inexplicable gifts for the past four weeks, "of course, she won't bite me."
"So, it has been you," Eddie replies, wanting to hear it from Steve himself.
With a soft hum, Steve takes another sip from his bottle. "Who else would it have been?"
Eddie licks his lips, takes another drag of his joint to brace himself, and hops off the counter. "So, uh, does that mean you li--"
Before the rest of the question can be asked, the bathroom door swings open again, and Eddie feels his eye twitch as Pubert Addams frowns at them. "So, this is where you were," he says, walking over to Steve and putting an arm around his shoulders.
"I told you I was going to the bathroom," Steve says, rolling his eyes as he stuffs the vial back into his bag.
Pubert looks Eddie over, a derisive huff escaping him as he dismisses Eddie and looks at Steve. "On the other side of the school? Really?" he asks, and Eddie would be overthinking what that means if he weren't sure his veins were about to burst.
"We were talking, you know," Eddie says, gaining Pubert's attention again. Steve looks at him, too, his eyes a little brighter.
"I'm sure," Pubert replies, rolling his eyes as he takes Steve's bag. "And now we're leaving." With that, he leads Steve out of the bathroom, the door swinging shut before Steve can do more than smile apologetically and wave.
Anger surges through Eddie, and the shaky drag he takes to finish off his joint does absolutely nothing to soothe it.
He's going to kill Pubert Addams.
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Funnily enough, Steve's mother doesn't learn about his crush until he's five weeks into it. When Debbie finally does discover the crush, it's because she walks in on Fester and Steve decorating homemade cookies shaped like anatomically correct hearts. She pauses in the doorway, looking between the two covered in flour and raspberry jam, and asks, "What on earth is going on here?"
Steve looks up, sees this as his chance to finally tell Debbie, and smiles brightly at her. "I'm in love, Mother. He's allergic to raspberry, and Father agreed to help me make him cookies with raspberry filling, so he can feel the same breathlessness I do when I see him," he explains, using his thumb to wipe raspberry jam off his cheek.
Debbie stares at him for a few seconds before looking at Fester. "How long have you known?" she asks.
"Five weeks," Fester admits, looking apologetic. "I wanted to tell you, Pumpkin! But Steve asked me not to so he could tell you himself."
She sighs and walks over to the island, sitting on the edge of a stool and taking one of the cookies for herself. She bites off a pulmonary vein, looking thoughtful as she chews. "I must admit, these are damn good cookies," she finally says, taking one more bite before passing it to Fester to finish. "Tell me about him."
And Steve does. He gushes about Eddie for a solid hour without taking a single breath, spilling everything he's seen Eddie do and how he's reacted to all of Steve's gifts and how he gets so obviously jealous when Pubert butts into their conversations. He tells Debbie about Eddie not screaming when he saw Nox, about him selling drugs, and about his interest in music. Steve laments his hair but eagerly describes the treatment routine he already has in mind.
By the time he's done, the cookies are decorated and his mother's expression has grown a little pained. "Steve, darling, come with me," she says, getting up from the chair and leading him out of the kitchen while Fester starts to clean up.
Steve waits until Debbie has brought him to her spare room to ask, "Did I do something wrong?"
"Well, did you remember my rules about crushes?"
"Yeah. I've talked to him a lot."
Debbie smiles and brings Steve over to the bed, sitting him down and straightening his hair before perching next to him. "Then, you're not in trouble, but you've been going about this all wrong, dear."
"Should I tell Pubert to stop making Eddie jealous?"
"Absolutely not," Debbie says, shaking her head firmly. "In fact, he could try harder. Nothing gets to a man like someone he can't have, especially if he thinks they're in distress."
Steve blinks, frowning slightly as he tries to figure out where, exactly, he's gone wrong. Eddie seems perfectly enamored with him, after all, and Pubert's goading is encouraging his affections, which is the only reason Steve has allowed it to continue. "Did I give him a live spider too soon?" Steve asks, figuring that's the problem here.
"No, that's not...," Debbie trails off, mutters something about Fester being an idiot, and clears her throat. "Steve, your father is the last person you should approach for love advice."
"But...you agreed to marry him, so he must have done something right," Steve says.
Debbie barks a laugh, waving her hand dismissively. "I married your father for his money. I attempted to kill his entire family and only stopped when he promised to give me everything I asked for. I would hardly call him a casanova."
Steve nods along, smiling a little as she speaks. He's heard their great love affair many times, but he doesn't get tired of it. "But you actually love him anyway, right? Father says it's because he showered you with gifts. So, that's what I'm doing."
"I...do love your father," Debbie admits, sighing as though she doesn't know how that happened either. "But it's less because of his gifts and more because...he gave me the devotion I wanted. Anyway, if you learn anything from us, it should be that love comes second."
"What comes first?"
Debbie smiles, the expression positively devious, and Steve can't help returning it. "Obsession," she says, her shoulders rolling back some as pride fills her. "Occupy his every waking thought. Make yourself irresistible. Make him dream of you at night. Overwhelm him with desire until he simply must act on it."
"Oh," Steve says, thinking of how his father acts around Debbie and realizing that obsession never quite went away. But it's worked out well for them, and he knows his mother has experience with luring men into her arms. He nods once and asks, "So, what should I do?"
"I'm so glad you asked," Debbie says, her smile bright and her eyes filled with excitement. "You'll have Eddie falling to his knees before you in no time."
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Eddie didn't think it could get worse. He was already attracted to Steve, already distracted by every little movement.
He was wrong. So incredibly wrong.
Because here he is, his mouth dry and his palms sweaty and his cheeks warm because of Steve. He's not even doing anything. Well, that's not true. Steve is curling his tongue around a lollipop before sucking it into his mouth like he'll die without it. But it's more than that. It's the painted-on jeans that hug his legs; it's the pastel pink hoodie (with little bats on the cuffs) that rides up whenever Steve moves to show off a strip of skin just above his waistband; it's the way he finishes the lollipop and pulls out lipgloss, casually telling Pubert it's raspberry flavored as he puts it on.
Eddie swallows around the dryness in his mouth, gripping his locker door so tight that his knuckles turn white as he looks inside it. Sitting innocently on top of everything is a Tupperware container of cookies with raspberry filling (according to the label), and Eddie is ready to eat one just so he can die knowing what Steve's lips taste like.
That's not even the worst of it. The worst is that Steve transfers into Eddie's Music Theory class, smiling innocently while the teacher introduces him and then directs him to sit at the empty desk next to Eddie. When he's close, Eddie realizes Steve smells like cookies and cream ice cream, and he's tempted to ask if Steve smells like his favorite flavor on purpose.
The teacher saves him from the embarrassment of blurting out the question by announcing a project. The teacher then dooms him by telling everyone they're required to work with their desk neighbor. Eddie grips his pen tightly when the teacher tells them to spend the rest of their class time discussing the project.
"So," Steve says, getting Eddie's attention. When he looks over, Steve is leaning forward on his desk, chin propped in his hand as he looks at Eddie. "Want to come over to my place after school? To work on the project, I mean."
Eddie stares at Steve for a few seconds, his tongue stuck in his throat. To his credit, Steve doesn't say anything or call Eddie out for staring at him. He just waits patiently with a little smile curling his lips. Eddie finally clears his throat, his voice coming out a little strained when he says, "Yeah, sure, sounds good. After school. Your place. Project."
Smooth. Real smooth.
When Steve just smiles wider and stretches his arms above his head, pulling his hoodie up, while suggesting they do the project on the evolution of heavy metal music, Eddie realizes he's probably going to die after school.
He can't wait.
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Tag List (I think there's still room for a few more people ^_^)
@estrellami-1, @itsall-taken, @mugloversonly, @fandomcartographer, @hippielittlemetalhead, @agree2disagre-kicks, @ledleaf, @just-a-tiny-void, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @ink1177, @maya-custodios-dionach, @littlebluejane, @steddieonbigboy, @ravenpainter, @read-write-thrive, @deadontheinside20, @yeahhhh-suga, @nectandra, @mogami13, @mx-jinxous, @thoughtfulbreadpolice, @anne-bennett-cosplayer, @xoxoladyclara
@zaddipax, @dycte, @breealtair, @geekymagicalpotato, @janea-grill, @juliasthename-adhdismygame, @yikes-a-bee, @wayward-people, @st-fics, @disrespectedgoatman, @bipusssy, @cottagecorebutnaturescaresme, @nightowl14028018, @that-binchh, @your-confused-friend, @irethsune, @goosesister, @strawberryyyenthusiast, @irregular-child, @theverywest
And, finally, a two-for-one meme special because I couldn't decide which was funnier:
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at what point did dick’s fatass become a meme, was there a specific issue that drew his ass huge that tipped the iceberg?
ok, I love that at least one person out there thinks that I am an authority on this topic.
no, there was not one issue that drew his ass so incredibly that it suddenly became iconic. over the years, Dick grew up from being a platonic boy hero to a sexual adult, then sex isol, then bearer of an (at times) voluptuous ass. this video has a good recap!
(sidebar—I need to make a correction to the video, which is a bit of misinformation I see floating around all the time, which is the idea that Devon Grayson did not admit or know that what she wrote in Nightwing #93 was sexual assault. she just didn't call it rape at the time, but said it was nonconsensual, and depicted it as sexually traumatizing for Dick. 2004)
ANYWAY,
I would say his fat ass became a meme recently. and. gonna be honest with you. except for a few depictions, it is not that big of an ass. he is way too skinny to have a truly fat ass. It's still nice! but let's not kid ourselves.
last year, the Harley Quinn tv show changed Dick's model to have a larger ass for an important plot point. which is how we got... the ass casket. cassket.
2022, Harley Quinn: The Animated Series: The Eat. Bang! Kill. Tour #3.
Nicola Scott's tribute cover, 2019. this kind of went viral and likely solidified the fanon-turned-canon that Dick has a great ass.
in Grayson #6, 2015, Midnighter recognized Dick by his ass.
ah, gay rights have come so far.
I won't get into the whole history of Dick Grayson being sexualized in general because that is a huge, huge topic. he's been sexualized since the NTT at least, and superheroes in general are a site of body image politic, bla bla. so I'm sticking to his butt in particular.
around this time, some DC writers and artists are purposefully trying to make Dick's ass prominent on the page. or at least Simone is. "I am writing it, of course there’s Nightwing ass!" Gail Simone, 2014, referring to Nighting/Oracle convergence. did the comic deliver on the ass? sadly no.
a little earlier, Nightwing (2011) #40, from 2013, has a some notable art. I've seen lots of people reference it as some kind of "female gaze" thing, which. I get what that's trying to say but you can't just invert the theory of the male gaze. sorry.
so I think it was the mid 2010s where this idea that he has a great ass starts to influence canon writers and artists, which reached a boiling point 2019 and 20s. now, artists had drawn Dick in a sexual manner before, and had drawn him with a gorgeous ass. I think it's both fan culture and some work of inspired artists that got us to this point of having a canon history of Nightwing Ass. its also important to note that in the later 2010's, the idealized body included a fat ass, which was really not the case in, say, the 90s.
if anyone has earlier issues or instances of Dick Grayson ass-centrism, please send it my way. I've only read like. a quarter of all of Dick Grayson's appearances lol.
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Reddit in DC would so funny and equally disturbing. Like so shit can happen in one day
I can definitely picture it
The death of Jason Todd shows up so often on r/UnsolvedMysteries that the mods had to ban the topic
And in doing so, they deleted the post that said Jason came back when Superman punched a hole in reality and became the Red Hood
(It only had 3 upvotes anyway)
Tim uses a burner account to expose big businesses on r/LateStageCapitalism
Meanwhile Dick has a burner account for making bad puns in comments that frequently end up screenshotted on r/AngryUpvote
Bruce made exactly one post—an AITA post about whether he's in the wrong for banning his anti-hero son from using guns against Gotham's worst repeat offenders
And that post ends up on r/OddlySpecific
There's a thread called r/TheButtsMatch where people match random butts to Batman's
r/ItsABird is for Robin sightings
And r/ItsAPlane is for Kryptonian sightings
Starfire's post explaining Tamaranean anatomy ends up at the top of r/AlienAnatomy
r/shittyaskscience is filled with questions like "Why do Robins get shorter" or "What would happen if humans ate Kryptonite" or "Can I go nyoom with the Speed Force"
Someone finds a Lantern ring for $15 on r/ThriftStoreHauls
Someone else finds Roy and Oliver's lost arrows for $1 each at Goodwill
(That second one was Dinah)
TIFU stories include a mix of everyday life ("TIFU by calling my football coach dad") and stories involving superheroes ("TIFU by calling Wonder Woman dad")
r/OnlyInGotham is the Gotham memes thread
At this point superhero news only makes it to the Reddit front page if the world is literally about to end
So like… every other month
Damian tried to join Reddit and Tim ratted him out for not being old enough
Tim only did it as r/pettyrevenge for Damian stealing his new sweatshirt
Harper and Cullen host an AMA together as Bluebird where they answer superhero questions with wrong answers only
Babs does a voice session, but it's not about superheroes at all—it's just IT stuff with other computer nerds
Selina posts on r/relationshipadvice about how her husband sometimes goes to bed in his fursuit and it weirds her out, and Bruce immediately finds it and comments "don't act like you don't do the same"
Duke got banned from r/family because they thought he was making up stories
Steph is the admin of r/BreakfastFood
And the mods are Alfred, Martha Kent, Bart Allen, and Matter-Eater Lad
Cass wrote a True Off My Chest post where she confessed to eating the last of Alfred's cookies and blaming Dick
The most popular r/MaliciousCompliance post was from a former Batburgers employee who went home to change in the middle of a busy shift because his manager insisted that Harley Quinn wasn't a hero and thus he couldn't wear her logo on his shirt to work
r/Batman is actually filled with photos of dark blobs with two pointy ends that vaguely resemble Batman, i.e. inkblots or people's cats
Jason gets banned from that for posting pictures of Bruce
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Anyway in case anyone was wondering why I do firmly aver I did not get to DPxDC from DC and am not a DC fan despite having consumed all of the Harley Quinn and Suicide Squad runs up to 2018
(And have an exciting grab bag of shows, movies, and assorted trivia under my belt besides
Batman vs Dracula was fucking great fight me)
It’s because DC as a whole is hostile as fuck to the concept of being a casual fan
(And about 90% of the main heroes annoy the hell out of me for the very tropes that DC is known and praised for in their heroes I am here for villains, antiheroes, and sidekicks exclusively)
There is no such thing as consistent characterization, especially as you consume more content or fall down a rabbit hole, and the rabbit holes are ENDLESS
Everyone cameos everywhere else, referential jokes are often dropped in as Easter eggs for people who have read every single other DC comic put out in the same decade and yet within the same comics you get glaringly inconsistent characterization and different retcons for the same events
Big stories are retold and retconned every couple years, we got 3 separate Spiderman origin movies and the exact same Batman origin in more than half the live action movies; DC PAYS PEOPLE to make up their own different versions of canon events
There is a REASON that the Marvel and DC cinematic universes are both officially divorced from comic canon; the sheer volume of canon content is inaccessible to most of the population, and DC and Marvel know it
That’s why the New 52 was a big divorce from all previous canon too - it’s an on ramp for new fans, because sorting through the web of old content is off putting as fuck
It’s the one thing not a single DC fan I’ve spoken to who complained about “canon characterization” has bothered defending or even acknowledging, and yet it has been the core of all of their arguments:
“Canon is what I want it to be, not what any of the sources say”
And listen, I was a Torchwood fan, we were the archetypal example of “canon only happened if I acknowledge it” (so sad that show ended after only two seasons and nothing else ever happened again Children of Earth who), you just gotta acknowledge that that’s what you’re doing
But you frankly cannot have a serious conversation about canon characterization with someone who does not acknowledge entire swaths of canon and cannot understand why that makes their argument completely invalid
Any kind of conversation about the “right” characterization for a DC character necessarily has to involve the acknowledgement that it’s your personal preferred characterization, not a One True Canon, because I guarantee there are canon incidents for every single big name and most of the small ones that directly counter the ones you like
You may note I share a bunch of posts with things like “My Batman would never do this”, as opposed to “canon Batman would never do this”
Hell, on Batman specifically there are hundreds of beautifully put together posts talking about how the different canon runs get him wrong; I too prefer a Bruce Wayne who does genuinely care about his family and tries to protect them, but isn’t perfect or always right over the massive asshole elitist who just grunts and treats them like soldiers
Canon Batman slaps his kids around, it’s the meme that broke containment and you don’t have to like it or accept it as something your Batman would do!
But it’s still canon
Both versions have a massive well of canon support, and exist simultaneously in the multiverse
Every single characterization of a character is true and exists in the multiverse
And that is why the idea of a “canon version” of any DC character is utterly meaningless
TL;DR: write DC characters however the fuck you want and do not worry about it for more than 10 minutes together, that is what the paid DC writing staff do
There will be at least two pieces of canon media to back up whatever interpretation of the character you pick
Not everyone will like that characterization or agree with how you see the character, and that is all fine and good! But “canon” is meaningless in this context, neatly encapsulated by the “multiverse” explanation
Everything is canon, which means that nothing is canon
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I accidentally deleted my old intro post so here’s me trying to remember what it said.
Pick a name to refer to me. I don’t feel like coming up with one myself.
Pronouns she/her but also fuck that whatever’s fine.
Grayro lesbian.
I’m a minor, don’t be fucking weird.
Interacting with any of my posts puts you at risk of spam reblogging :P
Mutuals feel free to dm or ask for discord.
Link to be on my tag list for chains and ask games.
The shows I’m currently watching/obsessed with are Good Omens, Our Flag Means Death, Orphan Black, Taking Over the Asylum, Only Murders in the Building, Hannibal, The Good Place, Harley Quinn, The Umbrella Academy, Doctor Who, Shadow & Bone, and The Power.
I mostly listen to My Chemical Romance (+ solo projects), Paramore (+ solo projects), Foo Fighters, Green Day, Pierce the Veil, Nirvana, and Jimmy Eat World.
I play Breath of the Wild, Tears of the Kingdom, some Assassins Creed games, Animal Crossing, Slime Rancher, and the Sims 4. I suck at all of them but they’re fun.
Sideblogs:
Good Omens: @to-the-w0rld
Our Flag Means Death: @im-the-money-bitch
MCR: @bullet-through-a-flock-of-doves
Paramore: @theres-a-time-and-a-place-to-di3
I change my url a lot so you might know me as darkmonarch666.
Blog title is a reference to this post.
I tag all original posts #i speak into the void at a normal volume.
Art tag is #my thing that could maybe be called art.
#my shitty memes is just that.
Resources and useful shit are tagged #resources and/or #useful shit.
Famous posts/things I’ve seen reposted on other sites is #found it.
That's the extent of the tagging I remember to do but if you want me to tag anything else feel free to ask.
Bigots and creeps will be blocked immediately.
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