The Agony of Desire
Part 2 // Masterlist
Warnings: Angst, kidnapping, non-con kissing.
~
"To love is to burn, to be on fire."
-Jane Austen
~
A/N: Surprise! 🥳���
Billy first sees the invitation on Karen’s fridge. He's there, meeting Frank's new girl for the very first time when your name in perfect calligraphy catches his attention.
He stops sipping from the beer to stare at it in shock. When Frank follows his gaze, he lets out a little curse under his breath.
"Hey, Kar? You know Y/N?"
He glances back at the invitation.
"Um, yeah, we met at a bar about two years ago, she was making bad decisions after a terrible break up and I was one of them." She finishes with a laugh.
Billy's jaw drops.
"You know her?" Karen asks.
There's a stunned silence, and Frank recovers the fastest. He raises a hand to point in Billy's direction.
"You're looking right at Mr. Terrible break up over here."
Billy can't hear anything, but the conversation goes on around him.
"She met Ward a few months ago and they hit it off. I just got those invitations today."
He knew about the engagement. He didn't know she'd already chosen a date.
He feels his heart pushing its way into his throat, as if trying to abandon him, trying to jump ship, the emotions too painful to handle.
He swallows.
A heavy hand on his shoulder brings him back to the present, where he realises he's been staring at the invitation for a too long time.
"Go." Frank says in understanding, "We can do this another time."
Billy swallows, nods, mumbles an apology and books it.
He doesn't realise it's a panic attack until his lungs refuse to take in any air.
He hyperventilates, sitting in his car, unable to catch his breath. He feels his head swim with dizziness, and he tries, he tries so hard to remain calm.
He's seen war, and death, and he's been tortured, and stabbed, and shot, and beaten bloody.
And it all hurts less than seeing your name next to someone else's.
He was almost there too, almost done with smuggling guns into the city, almost out of Rawlins' grasp, almost powerful enough to keep you safe from his enemies.
And now he may not have the chance to get you back.
He sits up suddenly, gritting his teeth with determination.
He had four months. Four months to finalise everything, to close the most important deals that would secure him a spot as one of New York's elite. Four months to bury all his shady dealings.
Four months till the wedding.
~
You don't relax until you're in the limo, climbing into the back seat in the empty underground garage away from cameras. You see him everywhere you look, hidden in the shadows, coming to steal you from your misfortunes.
You give a shake of your head. Love was for fairytales, right now, you were dealing with the real world.
And the real world wanted to get you pregnant within the year.
You slump back into your seat, before caving and reaching for the bottle of whiskey in the mini fridge nearby.
The flavour of the whiskey relaxes you, and it should have been your first warning. If you'd had your head on straight, you would have realised it was his favourite whiskey. After all those nights you spent sipping it from his glass, sitting in his lap wearing only his shirt. You should have noticed.
If you weren't so wired about sleeping with Ward tonight, you would have noticed when the car missed the turn, taking you away from the church.
If you hadn't been so lost in worrisome thoughts of childbirth and having Harold Meachum as a father-in-law, you would have noticed that the car ride was taking longer than it should have.
But by the time you notice, by the time you see the signage for the nearby airport, and watch the limo drive directly onto the tarmac toward a small jet, by the time you try to open the door or roll down the window to scream for help and nothing budges...
By then it's too late.
"You have to be fucking kidding me." You say to yourself, when you spot Billy standing at the foot of the stairs to the plane.
When the car stops, and the doors unlock, you step out as angrily as you can in the constraint of the dress.
"You have some nerve-"
"-Sorry, baby, but I'm not going to let you marry someone you don't love."
You stare at him angrily for a moment, before turning on your heels and running.
Well? What choices did you have? The car wouldn't take you anywhere and this was the best you could do.
You were grateful to be wearing a short, comfortable heel as you ambled down the runway with dress in hand towards the airport.
You only get so far, before the corset stops your breathing.
You double over, pulling at the strings at the back, trying to gasp in as much air as possible.
Your vision swims, and you don't see him until he's kneeling in front of you.
"It's okay, I've got you." He says, and then one long swipe and breathing is easier.
You slump against him, gasping.
"Did you cut my dress?!" You say between breaths.
"Yes." He says simply, scooping you into his arms.
You're not a woman easily lifted, especially with the weight of the dress added, but it doesn't stop you from clinging to him as he carries you with ease.
"This is kidnapping!" You say while trying to catch your breath.
"Well, I'm glad you know what the crime is." He says with a laugh.
You're too winded to argue, and when you reach out to grab the stair rail in protest, he grunts.
"I'll cut this dress off of you right here." He threatens, "Leave it for Meachum to find. Think he'll want to marry you if he thinks I've fucked you?"
You gasp, calling his bluff until you hear the click of his knife in warning.
"Okay. Okay!" You relent, letting go.
He continues up the stairs, and doesn't stop until you're strapped into a seat. Your mouth drops open when he pulls a pair of silver handcuffs from his back pocket. And secures your wrist to the chair.
"What the fuck, Russo?" You shout at him, pulling at the cuffs.
"I know you. I take my eyes off of you for one second and you'll try to stab me and hijack the plane."
"And that should tell you something about how willing I am to be here." You snark sarcastically, grabbing the first thing you can reach- a small pillow in the adjacent seat and chucking it at him.
He laughs as it hits him square in the chest.
"God. I fucking love you." He says, leaning over you to grip your jaw, placing a bruising kiss to your lips.
You squeak in protest, slapping him across the face when he pulls back. He laughs again while his cheek reddens.
"Worth it." He comments, sitting in his seat and buckling in.
Your heart beats fast, looking at him again, admiring the way he carried himself.
"Why are you doing this?" You ask quietly, the plane begins to move.
"Because you're not some rich man's breeding horse. You're my life, and my heart, and I won't let you go without a fight."
The motion of the plane, its gentle hum, coupled by the drop in adrenaline and the fact that you barely slept last night begins to get to you.
"You lost me two years ago." You say, barely able to keep your eyes open for much longer.
"We'll see about that." He answers ominously.
~
Everything shudders violently and you jerk awake. Your heart is beating fast in the unfamiliar environment and you try to raise your hand to your face but it's cuffed to the seat. The dress is heavy and itchy on your skin, but you'd die before you take it off. You do, however, use your free hand to unpin your veil.
Your stomach grumbles, aching for something to eat. Billy's sitting opposite you, eyes closed and sleeping peacefully. He looks so at ease when he sleeps, his shoulders relaxed, breathing slow.
You almost feel bad for kicking him. Your foot hits his shin, and instead of flinching, he just opens his eyes, fixing them on you.
"Good morning, kidnapper, or, actually I'm not sure what time it is, but I'm hungry."
He gives you a sleepy smile, raising his arms over his head to give a stretch and a small yawn.
He glances at his watch.
"It's 10pm." He informs.
"Awesome. I could have been having sex with my new husband if you didn't take me against my will."
He narrows his eyes at you, the muscle in his jaw tics.
"You're not really grateful, are you?"
"I didn't ask for you help! I had things under control."
He laughs.
You kick him again.
He glares at you.
"Keep doing that, baby, your ass will be red when I'm done with you."
"You put one hand on me and I'll make you eat it."
He gives you a smile and a roll of his eyes.
Though you're hungry, and you try to stay awake, you're asleep again in a few minutes. It may have something to do with feeling unbelievably safe and comfortable for the first time in a long while, but you'd kick yourself if you could for thinking something so dangerous.
~
You wake the second time when the cuffs unlock.
"We're landing soon." He says.
"Where are we going?" You ask, voice laced with sleep.
"Somewhere he'll never find you."
"Nice." You say sarcastically, "I've always wanted to go to the bottom of the ocean."
He chuckles.
"Brat."
Getting into the bathroom on the plane is difficult enough until you realise that you can't pee with the dress on.
You consider your predicament for a moment. You could ask one of the stewardesses, a stranger, to hold your dress while you peed...or you could ask Billy, seeing that it is his fault you're in this mess.
You stare at your grimy reflection for a few moments in the bathroom mirror, trying to figure out how aggressively you should ask, and then practicing it a couple of times in your head.
You tug the bathroom door open.
"Billy?" You call.
He's on his feet in seconds, taking measured steps toward you.
"Everything okay?" He asks.
You look down.
"I need your help." You mumble, taking his hand and pulling him inside, locking the door.
"You're scarin' me baby, what's wrong?" He says so easily.
"I have to pee." You say, eyes fixed on your hands.
"And?"
"Need you to hold my dress."
He lets out a sigh of amusement.
"Okay, tell me what to do."
You guide him through it, gathering your dress and placing it into his arms.
Sitting on the seat, you tell him to turn away and close his eyes.
A moment passes.
"Are you doing it?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"What are you waiting on?"
"It's kinda hard to pee when there's someone in the room."
Another long moment.
"They're gonna think we're havin' s-"
"-Shut. Up. Russo."
He laughs, you squeeze your eyes shut.
Finally you're able to relax long enough to relieve yourself, finishing up and kicking him out.
You brush your teeth and clean yourself up as much as possible.
~
"Sorry I don't have any clothes. I wasn't expecting to have to run away with you on such short notice." He says when you return to your seat, you watch the plane begin to make its descent. He holds out a small panini, and you accept it gratefully.
"You fell asleep before I could give it to you last time." He says simply, and you don't hesitate to bite into it.
"What did you think was going to happen when you snuck into my room?" You genuinely ask, between bites.
He looks out the window, it's early morning now, and he's unable to meet your eyes.
"I thought you loved him. I just wanted to be sure." He doesn't continue and you're left with some confusing thoughts.
~
The jet hits the ground easily, gliding to a stop at the end of the runway.
"Gonna try to make a break for it when the door opens?"
You roll your eyes.
"No." You say snidely.
The corner of his mouth twitches.
"Liar."
.
.
.
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Unfortunately, Ward isn't automatically rid of Harold once he kills him. Either time.
Harold is there every time Ward hurts someone that was trying to reach out to him, every time he remembers what a complete asshole he used to be to Danny, every time the word "pussy" crosses Ward's mind in a derogatory fashion.
He's there every time Ward sends his employees home early, at every NA meeting, every time Ward needs to handle his kid and chooses to do the opposite of whatever Harold's reaction would have been.
Ward's escape from Harold isn't wrapped up in the stilling of a murky lake, or the harsh recoil of a gun, or the consuming flames of a crematorium. It isn't even in a week without nightmares, or picking up a sketchbook, or the long, twisty process of reconciling with Joy.
This particular freedom comes slowly and subtly, as Ward's life continues to expand in ways he never imagined. He grabs takeout from a hole-in-the-wall place that Misty (Danny's cop friend with the arm, has some bond with Colleen and must therefore be feared) of all people introduced him to, just because their food is good and he knows he'll enjoy it, and he doesn't once think the words "shabby" or "questionable" or even "fuck you, Dad." He cries in front of Danny and it's horrifying and embarrassing and he absolutely blames it on chemical imbalance caused by stress and lack of sleep, but he also doesn't for a second think to worry about Danny using a blatant display of weakness against him. The first time Colleen trusts Ward alone with some of her little downworld ducklings while she runs off to save their friend from whatever problem they've come running to her with - probably a glowing assassin who shoots lasers out of their third eye, knowing Colleen and Danny - he doesn't feel any smugness or victory or anything besides terrified honor.
One day, Ward looks up from furniture shopping (because his kid, who he loves more than anything in this world, had taken a brown magic marker and slashed an "X" over every single white couch cushion and cabinet door in the entertainment room yesterday) to find Joy brandishing a bottle of her favorite Rosé, a bouquet of flowers, and a second bottle of what she tends to refer to as Ward's "toddler juice".
"Special occasion?" He asks mildly. "How many millions did you crush Judith by this time that it warrants pity flowers?"
Joy raises a judgemental eyebrow right back at him. "Dad's anniversary?" she prompts, in her usual why-must-you-remind-me-how-stupid-you-are voice.
(It's a complicated thing, Ward and Joy's relationship to their father and each other and their father in light of each other. Over the years they've had a lot of - painful - communication sessions about it and they respect that Harold will always mean different things to each of them. Joy may know, now: feels the bitter tinge of hindsight to "I was his punching bag," and every memory of Ward oh-so-casually mentioning running away and starting over and "Never trust him again," but she will always grieve the father that she lost. And Ward, he'd hated Harold; he'd hated the never ending fear and condescension and mind games, but most of all, he'd hated that it wasn't all bad. There was joking and "didn't know you had it in you; good job, kid"s and "When I was about your age, my old man shared this with me... And now I'm the old man, passing it on to my son," and there was Joy's delighted giggling as she span in the air and Joy's gap-toothed grins in frames on Harold's desk, and how could anything be completely rotten that put that happiness on Joy's face? Ward held Joy through her tears over her beautiful dreams of her dead father waiting for her after school to hold her hand, so he gets it, too.)
Possibly, he should feel ashamed of completely forgetting their annual visit to Dad's (fake) grave on his (fake? impermanent, anyway) deathday. The two of them went every year before Danny's return, and after the tumult from his crash back into their lives and all the revelations that came with it had relatively settled down, they resumed the tradition, sticking with Harold's first deathdate, the one that Joy still uses to mourn the version of their father that she loved, and on which Ward usually finds himself dwelling on the idea of the father that they should have had.
He doesn't feel ashamed, though, no matter how blatantly Joy judges him. He's surprised. He forgot. He just... forgot.
What's more, it seems absurd to say that Ward has been forgetting Harold a lot lately, because he doesn't forget, not really, but... how long has it been since a reminder of Harold came along with recalling the tone of his voice and feeling echoes of the emotions Ward had felt hearing it, as opposed to an acknowledging 'that was such bullshit' and a return to whatever Ward had been doing? When was the last time Ward tensed or shot a look towards the nearest surveillance camera as he passed the turn that would have taken him towards the penthouse? When did the roiling mass of anger-guilt-hurt "I hate that bastard" turn into a dismissive, contemptuous "Ugh, that bastard"?
It doesn't scare him. It's a relief.
"Let's pick up some birdseed on the way," Ward says as he rounds his desk to walk beside Joy out of the building. "We can put it on top of his grave so all the birds crap on him."
"Ward," Joy scolds, part scandalized, part tentative. "It's a cemetery."
"Two bags," Ward replies. "We can put some on Danny's, too."
"Ward!" Joy repeats, but there's laughter in it this time. "You're horrible!"
Ward flashes a grin at her, and pushes the button for the elevator.
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