#harry potter crack
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Voldemort: Don't call me Tom Riddle.
Death Eaters: Ok Voldemort.
Voldemort: No. Don't call me that either. Just... Don't refer to me.
Death Eaters: .... ok
#crack#Harry Potter crack#Voldemort#Tom Riddle#random musings#humor#Harry Potter#incorrect Harry Potter quotes
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Closeted Harry coming out to Ron after his breakup with Ginny and Ron just being like, “cool just don’t date one of my brothers”
Fred and George freezing and looking at Harry with nothing but absolute delight at the potential mischief.
Harry making eye contact with them, immediately understanding their intentions, and winking as he puts a finger to his lips, shushing them.
Ron following Harry’s line of sight and screaming “NO. NO. FUCK NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
Harry and the twins platonically flirting in the most obnoxious ways imaginable.
Harry showing up to breakfast in the Great Hall late with a different twins sweater on, looking debauched. One or even both the twins give him a salacious once over. Ron wants to sink into the floor and die.
Ron eventually gets used to this but absolutely loses it when the rest of his brothers send him their sweaters and flirt with him at the Burrow.
The Weasley boys sending flirty howlers to Harry just to send Ron spiraling.
Ron being so relieved when Harry dates literally anyone who isn’t one of his older brothers.
#harry potter thoughts#harry potter imagine#hp imagine#harry potter#harry potter rant#drarry#harry x draco#harry potter fandom#harry potter crack#ron weasley#george weasley#weasley twins#fred weasley#weasley wednesday#ginny weasley#percy weasley#charlie weasley#bill weasley#hogwarts fanfiction
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This is canon
Severus Snape: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.
#harry potter#severus snape#snape#professor snape#incorrect harry potter quotes#harry potter memes#harry potter crack
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The sitchie being bullying Harry and the impies being his big fat crush on one (1) Harry Potter
Please this was so funny in my head
#harry potter fandom#draco malfoy#harry potter funny#Harry potter crack#crack#humor#plz appreciate my meme creating abilities#harry potter fanart#pansy parkinson#drarry#draco x harry#harry x draco
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𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐄?
cw. sirius black x reader. cursing. humour. smth unserious being treated seriously bc sirius is involved and he’s dramatic.
a/n. icl this was inspired by my ben barnes binge yesterday.
a shaky exhale sounded from a place nearby and you lifted your head from lazily skimming a magazine to direct part of your attention to your boyfriend hovering by the couch with a worried expression settled on his pretty features.
“you alright there, siri?” you ask, your eyes went back to looking over the page you were previously on before flipping to the next, not too bothered by sirius’ presence.
“babe, i think i’m finally ready.”
.
all of your focus was funnelled to sirius but your gaze remained on the colourful paper as you cleared your throat “what are you ready for, honey?”
another exhale escaped his lips, hands clutching at each other and he sets his face to express determination “i’m ready for you know what.” he takes his bottom lip between his teeth.
discarding the magazine, you stand up to face sirius, hands darting to hold his own “i’m glad you trust me to do this for you, sweetie, it’ll be alright and over before you know it.” you release the grasp to place one hand on his cheek, and drag your fingers through his wavy hair.
“be gentle with me, please.” his voice verges on a pleading tone, eyes holding a desperate undertone behind them. his hand escapes your 2-hand clutch to hold your left hand in his right, and your right hand that was gliding through his tresses in his other.
“of course, anything for you, dear.” long gone was their usual teasing and bickering and in its place came compassion and softness. this was a huge deal.
“thank you, love.” you guide him to your bathroom and get him seated on the stool before the large mirror.
“give me a sec, hun.” you pat his head before leaving him to search the required items. doubt begins to build within him once more but he works harder to push it down with a gulp and you’re by his side a few moments later “okay, we can always stop if you don’t want to do this siri, don’t let your friends force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“please, just get it over and done with.” he almost cries and you shake your head, giving him a back hug before tapping his shoulder in understanding.
“it’s okay baby, i’ll love you the same regardless.” sirius appreciates the sentiment, eyes blinking in gratitude, finding comfort in holding your hand tightly “alright, close your eyes, i’ll be quick.”
sirius complies, lashes fluttering as his eyes close shut and he finds himself grasping at your thighs from behind you for comfort, you let him be for the time being as it was yet to be a hindrance to your procedure.
around 20 minutes later your hand grasped sirius’ jaw and he looked up at the mirror, gazing wide eyed at the reflection it presented. “holy shit...” he ran his fingers through his hair once or twice (probably 10 times) and turned to face you so quickly he might’ve gotten whiplashed in the process “is it possible that i look even better?”
“yeah, this is actually unfair,” you sigh, arms crossing as you study his appearance “i guess i should be happy that i’m so lucky.”
“and here i thought not having long hair would make me look...” he grimaces “average.”
sirius whose hair was close to growing past his shoulders now donned a haircut that did not pass the nape of his neck. he hasn’t had hair this short since his 3rd year at hogwarts, choosing to instead grow it long because he believed he looked better that way plus it annoyed his mother (a well added bonus if you asked him).
“you’re so annoying, you know that?” you roll your eyes, lightly shoving him before retreating to your bed and you can hear sirius following you.
“yeah, you tell me that every day,” he proudly claims “it’s part of my charm.” he winks.
“you said that about your hair but that’s currently in the bin.”
“but with my devilishly good looks i’m bound to look amazing with any hairstyle, who would’ve known that long hair was just inhibiting my full potential?” sirius was so quick to find another mirror located in your bedroom and admire his new hairdo.
“i hate the fact that i can’t even argue on that, you handsome motherfucker.”
#sirius black x reader#sirius black headcanon#sirius black imagine#sirius black one shot#harry potter scenarios#harry potter crack#marauders#marauders x reader#sirius black x you#sirius being sirius#sirius orion black#sirius black#sirius black scenario
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Hermione: How’d it go, love?
Ron: [who just got back from meeting Blaise’s parents for dinner] I think it went well..
Harry: Ron. You texted me saying “this place is so fucking fancy. I don’t know which knife to kill myself with.”.
Hermione: …
Ron: …
Harry: …
Hermione: Must of been pretty fancy if you didn’t kill yourself
Ron: Oh my god it was!! And !!-
#they liked him so it was fine#they both definitely put this in their best man (and woman) speech#incorrect harry potter quotes#incorrect quotes#ron weasley#hermione granger#harry potter#blaise zabini#blairon#harry potter crack
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Imagine one of the Weasley kids/grandkids (Ginny's, Ron's, take your pick) being sent back in time to Weasley-siblings era Hogwarts to save someone but they can't reveal their true parentage due to *hand wave* time travel shit.
Someone would point out that they're a Weasley (because GENETICS ARE STRONG in that family) and they're just like "well yeah but that's not really a spoiler since everyone in my family breeds like bloody rabbits"
/shower thoughts/
#the weasleys#romione#hinny#ginny weasley#ron weasley#fred weasley#george weasley#percy weasley#charlie weasley#bill weasley#harry potter crack
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Sirius Black x Crookshanks!Reader
Sirius Black x Reader!Animagus!Crookshanks
(For these purposes, Crookshanks is female.)
Warnings: None, I think? Mostly crack - which was not intended, lol.
Reader is a year or two younger than the Marauders and Snape. She and Sirius always got along well and even liked each other but both thought it was one sided, so they did nothing about it.
Reblogs are fine.
Masterlist
~
In the shrieking shack, pure chaos had erupted.
"Crookshanks stop! No, you mustn't kill it. Crookshanks give it here! No!"
Hermione screamed as you (Crookshanks) darted under the broken furniture, refusing to give up the rat you had just caught in your mouth.
"Get it, Crookshanks, you brilliant cat. Kill it!" Roared Sirius.
"She's gonna bloody kill my rat! I always knew it'd be your cat!" Ron yelled at Hermione.
You hissed (as well as you could) when you were backed into a corner.
"I'm going to kill your bloody cat, 'Mione!" Ron screamed.
Your death was indeed looking imminent. The Weasley boy was incredibly distraught at the possible loss of his pet. Finally the moment had come, and you morphed out of your animagus form. Hermione shrieked as her pet turned into a human.
Sirius did a double take. It had been years. You seemed a bit grimmer and a bit ashen. But you still had your signature feistiness. There was fire in your eyes and unruliness in your hair. Just the way it'd always been.
"Y/n," he gasped.
You were still holding the rat (who was Pettigrew) in your mouth.
"Um, love, you might want to drop that, it's probably not sanitary." Sirius advised.
"Ober my ged vody," you answered through stuffed teeth.
Sirius was practically laughing to the point of tears, the sight before him was just so refreshing and so typical of you.
The children, who had sufficiently recovered, were already firing spells at you which you deftly dodged until you managed to get your wand out.
"Protego!" You shouted, a large shield appearing in front of you and Sirius, just as Remus Lupin darted in yelling "Stupify!"
Thankfully your shield absorbed it.
"Y/n!" He exclaimed.
"Thiriously, if eberybone woold jutht cawlm doawn fuur a momnt id be fine." Your speech once again muffled by a rat barring your mouth.
Remus calmed, and the children seeing this, followed suit.
"Exactly what is going on?" Harry asked, perplexed.
You went to speak again but were once again cut off by Severus barging in. "Expelliarmus!"
"Everyone shut up!" You bellowed, finally spitting the rat out of your mouth, as your shield once again absorbed the spell.
"Y/n?" Severus muttered in shock. "I thought you were dead."
"'Course not," you spat, disgustedly, holding the rat in a choke hold between your fingers.
"But how - " he began,
"Shut UP I said!" You yelled.
An unearthly silence filled the air.
"Alright. First things first. Sirius isn't guilty, Peter Pettigrew is - Yes he's alive! Pay attention to my tenses, Severus. Yes I'm sure, Remus. No I haven't gone to the wrong side, either of you. I've been hiding, trying to crack this mystery for years. Ronald Weasley, don't you dare interrupt me. Your pet rat is neither a pet nor a rat, he's an animagus who happened to kill your best friend's parents. Instead of your best friend's dogfather - fogdather - GODFATHER! here, as everyone thought. So put a lid on it." You finished, breathlessly.
Ron's mouth shut. Severus lowered his wand. And Remus looked lost in fond memories.
"Oh," Harry breathed, once his brain had caught up with all the information.
"That makes much more sense, my old friend," remarked Remus who embraced Padfoot.
"Still," Severus began to hedge, hoping his old enemy was still guilty.
"Shut up, Severus," you yelled for the third time this evening.
"Alright everybody, wands at the ready," you warned, pointing your own at the rat.
Everyone dutifully complied. "Demorphmagus!"
Then the bloated rat did indeed take its even uglier form of Pettigrew. Harry had executed Incarcerous just as Peter made a futile attempt to escape.
"Well done, Harry. Severus, do you happen to have any Veritaserum with you?"
"For another purpose..." He lamented. And handed over the tiny vial.
Wormtail began struggling. "Peter, if you don't cooperate, I'll use the killing curse right here and now," you promised.
"But little, sweet, kind, y/n wouldn't do that to her old friend, Peter," he tried dredging up old memories.
"Is that a challenge?" you threatened.
The man gave into blubbering and shivers, as you put one single drop into his mouth.
"That's sufficient, right Sev'?" You looked up at the Potion's Master. He gave a curt nod but you swore you saw his eyes soften at the use of his old nickname. He hadn't been all bad to you at school even taking it upon himself to help you with potions back then. You exclusively had called him Sev'.
Turning back to Pettigrew, the interrogation began.
"Peter Pettigrew, were you an ally of Lord Voldemort?"
"Yes, I was, and a very good one at that - " the man began rambling
"Were you Lily and James' Potter's secret keeper?"
"Yes, indeed I was! You see - "
"Did you turn Lily and James Potter over to Voldemort?"
"Well, yes, you see - "
"You did this knowing full well that they would be killed?"
"Yes."
You screamed in rage, bringing an infuriated fist down upon his nose.
There was a loud crack and the man howled in pain, but you were distraught and unknowingly crying.
"Y/n, now y/n, everything's alright now," Sirius put a comforting arm around you, as you sobbed into his shoulder.
Peter attempted to get free again, but Hermione was having none of it and shot him with a stunning spell.
"Remus, what's wrong?" You asked as he looked in alarm through the window.
"I've forgotten..." he trailed off.
"The moon!" You gasped.
"Quickly, y/n! You must take my memories to prove Sirius' innocence. I must leave - children get back!" He ordered with fear. Severus rapidly handed over an empty vial, with a distinct sourness. Then herded the children into the corner where he shielded them.
When you'd acquired the silver thread, Remus started running, making it almost to the end of the tunnel before his transformation began.
"I'll go after him, y/n, take the children back to the castle," begged Sirius.
"People think I'm dead! And you're too weak, it has to be Severus to take them back. I'll go after Lupin." You objected.
"I believe it will take all of us," Snape strained out. "Lupin has already left, Pettigrew is our immediate threat, and no one knows that either of you two are alive!"
There was silence. "You make fair points, my friend," you muttered.
Severus relaxed slightly.
"Alright, Sev, why don't you take the lead levitating Pettigrew in the front. You being near the front will dampen the shock of Pettigrew and me being alive, as well as Sirius being innocent. The children next - Harry, Hermione, support Ron between yourselves - "
"- And you will come next, while Black brings up the rear to protect us should his wolfish friend return." Snape carped tersely.
More silence...
"Fine." You spat apathetically.
"I'm sure you had other purposes in mind, putting me at the back - incidentally the most vulnerable position of our group - nevertheless I concur for entirely different reasons. I won't allow y/n to take the dangerous position of rear guard." Sirius said with grim amusement.
"Believe me, y/n's safety was among my highest priorities." Snape answered with scorn.
This was the best course of action, so that: Pettigrew wouldn't be able to escape, especially under Snape's pure hatred; Snape could plead everyone's case and apparent aliveness; and you would be an easy warm up shock for everyone before they saw Sirius.
"On second thought. Sirius, you should be a dog, so the Dementors don't try to suck your soul out."
Snape looked disappointed but Sirius assented.
"Alright. Have we got everyone? Wormtail up front." But the villain in question began to rouse again. "Hey Ron, give him a stunner for us since you lost your pet tonight."
"Gladly," said the Weasley boy, knocking his 'pet' out again.
"The traitor is in the front, I am coming next, Potter and Granger are to support Weasley behind me, and you are to come as second to last, with the animagus version of Black behind you." Severus summed up your thoughts.
"Thank you"
Sirius reluctantly morphed and nudged your leg to tell you he was ready. Then the procession started.
"Hermione, I do sincerely apologize for this. I needed to get here in order to unravel the loose threads pertaining to the mystery of the Potter's death and you were my best bet. Ronald -"
"I understand," young mister Weasley shook his head. "I've no desire to keep a murderer as a pet."
Hermione seconded that she understood. As you neared the Hogwarts doors, Sirius growled.
"Behind you," Hermione screeched.
You were just in time to deter werewolf Lupin with a stinging jinx, as Sirius charged forward hackles raised.
The werewolf swiftly decided it'd had enough for the evening and ran whimpering off into the forest.
"Thank goodness,"
"A little help ahead?" called Snape, nearing the Dementors. Harry had started to sweat.
"Expecto Patronum!" Your patronus - a swan - took full form and charged ahead driving away the dementors long enough for everyone to slip inside.
Thankfully the corridors were empty and soon everyone was tripping into Dumbledore's Study.
"Good evening, Severus, with the suspiciously well preserved remains of the formerly incinerated Peter Pettigrew.’
"And hello Harry, Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger. And welcome apparently alive y/n with a dog. I believe I'm about to hear a most unique tale." Mused the headmaster, rounding his desk with alacrity to inspect the stunned Pettigrew.
He adjusted his spectacles, "Hmm, very interesting. If I'm not mistaken he's very much alive and not at all incinerated. What is equally curious is that y/n is alive and well. Welcome back, friend and former student. Most of us thought you were dead, but I was less certain."
You felt a bit flustered before the ever-calm Headmaster.
"Yes, Professor, sir, I went into hiding shortly after the Potters..."
He held up a hand, "I understand completely. Now what is the mystery before us?"
You took a deep breath, "Pettigrew is guilty, not Sirius Black."
You told the whole story beginning to end, as the headmaster gave very little response other than kind attentiveness.
"Well, I have no reason to doubt you, especially if Severus concurs."
Snape muttered something like begrudged agreement.
"I also have Lupin's memories of this afternoon and evening's events." You held up the vial.
"Excellent. Well done everyone. Now, I believe this dog here is in fact Sirius Black, am I correct?"
"Quite correct, sir." You answered.
"Very well, I believe it would be safest if y/n and Black retreated to a safer location while I sort this mess out. Mr. Black I'm very glad to see you escaped and well. I think you should keep to this form while actually at Hogwarts so the dementors don't sense anything. But if you and y/n hole up at the Shrieking Shack you will be safe to resume your human form."
You nodded.
"I shall put in a good word for all of you, including Remus, to the Ministry. 100 points to Gryffindor and off to bed with you younger three," the children beamed and left murmuring thank yous. Harry paused at Sirius, and hugged him. The dog nuzzled back, and watched the retreating figure of his dogson.
Y/n and Sirius left for the Shrieking Shack after Dumbledore promised to send food and blankets.
Severus stayed behind to assist Dumbledore.
“You know, Severus,” mused the headmaster, “I always thought something was amiss with the story of the Potters’ deaths, but could never put my finger on it. Then I always had a feeling that y/n was not dead but was still alive and well somewhere. I could just never conclude as to how or where. I should have known the two scenarios were interconnected.’
“Lemon drop?” He offered, but Severus was already drowning himself in firewhisky.
#sirius orion black#sirius black#the marauders#marauders#hp fandom#harry potter imagine#sirius x reader#marauders x reader#sirius black imagine#harry potter fanfiction#sirius black x reader#harry potter crack#crookshanks#animagus#Harry Potter crack fic#Sirius black crack#Sirius black crack fic
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so when is it "breaking the Statute of Secrecy" and when is it
i told my wife and kids i was a wizard but two and a half years ago they just up and left me so I didn't have time to obliviate them and now I have no idea where they are
asking for a friend
#harry potter movies#Harry Potter#harry x draco#potterhead#ministry of magic#hermione granger#tonks#severus snape#golden trio#hp incorrect quotes#HP Fandom#hp fanfic#harry potter things#Harry Potter Crack#muggleborn#harry potter wizarding world#wolfstar#drarry
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youtube
If you've never seen it but are a fan of HP, Starkid made a "A Very Potter Musical" (and "A Very Potter Sequel") and published it to YouTube back in 2009 - it's a parody musical and pretty fun! This is a link for Act 1, part 1.
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Dark Wizards: We have your husband.
Harry: How do I know you're telling the truth?
Dark Wizards: Please come and take him back. He's making us feel so bad. He's already composed 5 songs about how terrible we are at our jobs.
Harry: Oh that's him. I'll be right over.
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the marauders (+ snape and lily) as middle school students i've taught
remus-- my favorite of the funky four just because he's the only one capable of shutting the fuck up for 2.5 minutes. still a demon and entirely complicit in his fellow demon friends' demonic schemes. i'll try explaining that letting his friends bully people makes him a bully too and he'll always seem to get it, but then continue to stand by and do nothing.
peter-- the kind of kid where you have a slight soft spot for because you can tell he doesn't get enough attention, but his ways of trying to get said attention make you want to yeet him into the sun.
james-- i'd have his parents on speed dial for all the calls home for inappropriate behaviors i'd have to make. smart but an asshole. assigned seat in the classroom as far away from sirius as possible. everyday i would apologize to lily evans for the trials and tribulations she must go through.
sirius-- every teacher in the building knows who this kid is. and not in a good way. every single behavior plan or token board has failed on this child. this kid gets suspended at least one a quarter but is smart enough to make sure his emotional terrorism of school staff isn't quite bad enough for expulsion. close to bad enough, but never 100% there. there will be school wide relief when he goes onto high school, but he will be oddly missed.
severus-- i did not know it was possible to email a school counselor this many times. they don't know what to do with him either, but we're making a paper trail to cover our asses in case something happens. another really smart kid, but the kind that makes you wary. a lot of potential but you can easily see things going the other way.
lily-- the only one of them who will see heaven.
#maruaders#the marauders#james potter#sirius black#remus lupin#peter pettigrew#lily evans#lily evans potter#severus snape#do not take this seriously#harry potter crack#inspire by a post i reblogged like right before making this post#*inspired
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In a universe, where Snape warns Lily himself and they all go on the run from Voldemort together
Lily, driving and singing to the Little Einsteins theme song: We’re going on a trip-
James, slapping Snape on the shoulder: With our favorite piece of shit!
Sirius, grinning while looking at the speedometer: Going 105!
Remus, holding on to baby Harry for dear life: We’re gonna fucking die!
#harry potter#harry potter crack#incorrect harry potter quotes#marauders#lily evans#lily potter#james potter#severus snape#sirius black#remus lupin#jily#baby harry potter
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Little known fact:
Snape never dances UNLESS you crack out a dhol, in which case he simply cannot help himself and will start dancing like this:
youtube
#severus snape#snape community#snape fandom#harry potter fandom#harry potter crack#Youtube#Asian Snape
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Has this been done before??
(I can’t claim credit for the idea - it’s one I’ve encountered in a few fanfics. You know, the ones where someone intelligent takes over and fixes Harry’s obvious major weakness. But I wanted to draw it.)
#harry potter fanart#harry potter#voldemort#lord voldemord#battle of hogwarts#crack#harry potter crack#sani draws#this is what I do when zoom meetings drag on too long#hahaa#hope my profs aren't on tumblr :/
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Hermione: I wanna be a main character so bad
Ron: Is that why you read on rainy days by the window?
Harry: [ignoring Ron] me too
Hermione: …
Ron: …
Hermione: you already are..
Harry: no, I wanna be the smart, pretty main character that’s whole story is getting the partner at the end, not the main character loses everyone ‘for the plot’
Neville: nah dw Harry I get ya
#I’d suggest therapy#but the therapist would probably kms icl#well happy Easter everyone!#harry potter quotes#harry potter crack#harry potter#hermione granger#ron weasley#neville longbottom#grifindor#inncorrect quotes#incorrect harry potter quotes
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