Phrases overheard at the Potters house:

Al: I'M TOO GAY FOR THIS SHIT

Lily: AL LITERALLY NONE OF US ARE STRAIGHT!! YOU CAN'T USE IT AS AN EXCUSE-

Hermione: You need to sort out this cupboard-

Harry: I don't want to go in there.

Harry: My room was a cupboard...

Ron: Your room was the size of a cupboard?

Harry: NO, my room literally was the cupboard...

Hermione and ron: WHAT?!

Harry: Shit- why did I say- GEORGE?! WHAT DID YOU GIVE ME-

George: SORRY- IT WAS MEANT FOR RON, I FORGOT HE ALWAYS GIVES YOU SNACKS-

Hermione: GEORGE DOESN'T SOUND VERY SURPRISED-

Harry: ...he's seen the cupboard- FUCK-

George: ....I FEEL LIKE HERMIONE IS ABOUT TO MURDER ME-

Harry: she's more than capable-

Hermione: Yes. I. AM.

James: How old are you Teddy?! Like 25!?

Teddy:...26....

Lily: I was at my friends house the other day, and i didn't realise just how gay my family is until I was hit with a FULL ON STRAIGHT FAMILY

al: No gay jokes?

Lily: No gay jokes :(

Teddy: I can't do that! I have no parents.

Ron: erm- i-

Hermione: I don't- you can- that doesn't-

*later that day*

Teddy: i can't do the dishes, I haven't got parents, you can't make me do that.

Harry: do the fucking dishes.

Teddy: I forgot it doesn't work on you..

Harry: I've got to admit it is fun watching Hermione not knowing what to say.

Harry: you're using the card too often. The orphan card will loose its meaning if you keep doing it for little things like chores, little man.

Teddy: why are you telling me this?

Harry: I mean- YOUR GONNA DO IT WETHER OR NOT I TELL YOU NOT TOO- AT LEAST NOW YOUR GONNA DO IT PROPERLY.

Al: im going to scorpius's birthday tomorrow.

Ginny: Okay, do you need me to buy you any fire whiskey?

Al: what?

Ginny: maybe just cider?

Al: I'm FOURTEEN?! why would I need alcohol?! YOU SHOULDN'T BE ENCOURAGING THIS?! THIS IS ILEGAL MUM!

Ginny: calm down, it's only an offer. If you drink I'd prefer to know what and how much. Instead of you sneaking behind mine and your dad's back.

Harry: What are we wanting for dinner? Spaghetti?

Ginny: You. My favourite meal. 😏

Harry: I'm sure that can be arrang-

James, in the doorway: EW WHAT THE FUCK!!

Harry: don't worry, I'm not for dinner.

James: DON'T SAY ANYTHING DAD-

Ginny: he's only for me.

James: I WANT TO GO MELT MY BRAIN NOW. *leaves*

Harry: I think we may have traumatised James.

Ginny: at least he didn't walk in on us doing anything more than flirting. And as you were saying?

Ron: HONEEEYY I'M HOMEEE!!!

Harry, hugging Ron: RON!! YOUR BACK!! :D

Ginny, in the kitchen: he doesn't even live here-

Hermione: ron didn't even know that I'm here- that was just for Harry.

Ginny: our husbands love eachother more than us.

Hermione: we knew that when we married them. They're platonic soul mates.

Harry: WHY THE FUCK, IS THE OVEN ON FIRE?!

Ginny: Me and James tried to cook the muggle way. And we thought if you turned it high it cooks quicker.

Harry: and what did you learn?

James: it just causes fire...

Harry: we should probably put that out now-

Ginny: oh shit, yeah, good idea.

James: ew you look straight.

Al: I AM HOLDING HANDS WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

Scorpius: it isn't gay if your wearing socks.

Al: DON'T YOU PLAY ALONG.

Lily: SHORT.

James: I'm taller than you?!

Al: SHORT.

James: I'M TALLER THAN YOU TOO.

Teddy: SHORT.

James: .....OKAY BUT YOU'RE LIKE A GIANT.

Ginny: I'm pregnant.

Harry: OH MY GOD! :D

Harry: Oh my God...

Ginny: Harry?

Harry: how the hell am I meant to tell them off-

Ginny: Huh-

Harry: THEY CAN ALWAYS THROW THE "You dropped out of school to kill someone" card when they get into trouble-

Ginny: they won't do that.

Harry: They're my kid, and I'm a bitch.

Ginny: Oh my God-

Harry: YOU CAN'T DROP OUT OF SCHOOL, WITHOUT A PLAN-

James: You dropped out of school. Without a plan.

Harry: okay, kill a dark Lord, then.

James: i don't want too...

Harry: do your homework.

James: what if I wanted to be a quidditch player?

Harry: ... your mum can get you connections for a try out? If that's what you really want. Or are you saying that to get out of homework?

James: ...to get out of homework...

Al: WHY IS MY MIDDLE NAME SEVERUS?!

Harry: I lost a bet to your Uncle Neville...

Ginny: and I encouraged the bet...

Teddy: why walk through the door, when you could climb through the window.

Harry: Your brother is 5! he cannot climb through a window safely.

Ginny: your father is such a dork.

Lily: didn't he defeat a dragon.

Ron: still makes him a dork.

Ginny: who happened to defeat a dragon.

James: Which house were you in at Hogwarts?

Andromeda: Slytherin.

James: I’m sorry?

Andromeda: Slytherin.

James: No-no, I heard! I’m just sorry.

(source: Friends)

Narcisa: I suppose I have flaws. I sing in the shower. Sometimes, I spend too much time volunteering.

Narcissa: Sometimes I'll commit first degree murder.

Remus: So, what happened?

Sirius: What do you mean?

Remus: A guy walked up to me and asked if you were my boyfriend.

Sirius: So?

Remus: He said "I am so sorry" when I said yes.

Remus: What the hell did you do?

*Sirius cooking*

James: Any chance that's for me?

Sirius: It's for Remus. I'm planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side.

James: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Molly Weasley: Fred, get that hideous looking thing out of the house!

Fred Weasley: All right mum! *Looks at Ron on the couch*

Fred: RON GET OUT, MOM WANTS YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Bellatrix: I told the Dark Lord his ears flush when he lies.

Narcissa: Why?

Bellatrix: Look.

Bellatrix: My Lord! Do you love me?

Voldemort, covering his ears: No.

Narcissa:

Sirius: damn man, are you a black hole because I'd love to go into you!

Remus: WHAT

Remus: Sirius, can you help me? all of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason

Sirius: [wearing a jumper that’s 5 times bigger than his size] spooky

Imagine this

*October 1981*

*Dumbledore gives everyone in the order veritaserum*: so, who's the spy?

Peter: me

James and Lily: *lives*

Sirius: *doesn't go to Azkaban*

Harry: *grows up with his parents*

Voldemort: *ded*

Dumbledore: If you have any complaints about how I run this place, you can put them in the suggestion box.

Everyone in Hogwarts:

Harry: That's... a garbage can.

Dumbledore: Exactly.

the golden trio in the three broomsticks

harry [on his 14 butterbeer]: ᶜᵒᶜᵒⁿᵘᵗˢ ᵖʳᵒᵈᵘᶜᵉ ᵐⁱˡᵏ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵃʳᵉ ᶜᵒᵛᵉʳᵉᵈ ⁱⁿ ᶠᵘʳ, ˢᵒ ʷʰʸ ᵃʳᵉⁿ’ᵗ ᵗʰᵉʸ ᶜˡᵃˢˢⁱᶠⁱᵉᵈ ᵃˢ ᵐᵃᵐᵐᵃˡˢ?

hermione: harry, what the fuck?

ron: ʷʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵐᵃᵐᵐᵃˡ?

Harry: I die for my bros, I ride my bros.

Harry: for*

Ron: Just delete the whole post dude.

Narcissa: This is stupid!

Bellatrix: Hey! Nothing we've done so far has been UN-stupid, and we're still alive, aren't we?

Andromeda: I can't really argue with that, but I feel like I should.

Hermione: I'm kind of seeing someone, but I'm worried about telling you who, because you're not going to like it.

Ron: Just rip the bandage off.

Hermione: It's Fred.

Ron: ...Put the bandage back on.

Sirius: I live outside the law. I'm a badass. I'm a rebel. I'm a fighter-

Remus: Calm down, Padfoot, it's just a leather jacket.

*The Marauders finally achieve their Animagus forms*

Remus: Since when do you have a pet goldfish?

James: Careful, that's your boyfriend you're talking about.

Remus: Why doesn't he change back?

James: I think he forgot. You know, memory of a goldfish.

*later that day, Remus receives a letter*

Moony:

I tricked James into thinking I'm a goldfish. I'm hiding out in the Hog's Head while I see how long he'll lug that bowl to class.

Love, Sirius

Rodolphus: If the Dark Lord and I were drowning, who would you save?

Bellatrix: You two can’t swim?

Voldemort: It’s a hypothetical question, Bella! who would you save?

Bellatrix: my time and effort

“Harry, no.”

-a book written by Neville Longbottom co-authored by Hermione Granger and Molly Weasley, introduction written by Remus Lupin, includes excerpts from the prequel “Harry, calm down.” written by Ginny Weasley.

Enjoy the feisty counter argument “HARRY, YESSSS” written by Ron Weasley

Lily: How does this shirt look on me?

Sirius: Fine but it would look better on James’ floor

James:

James: Sirius you don’t have to do that anymore, we’re married.