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It’s 2020.nov 25. 4:30am. I can’t sleep. I am crying. Why? Bc I’m stupid af. How fucking much time does it need to pass til I forget about him completly?? Why can’t I just erease him? I found a pic of him on ig. He’s with a girl, I don’t know her - but maybe, what if they’re together? They look okay together, the girl’s pretty (what if they’re actually together??). And he looks handsome. He changed a lot than I remembered him - tho my memories are fading somehow. It’s been 1year ~4months since I last seen him face to face. He wears a different necklace, he has another sunglasses (I’ve never seen him wearing another one of these), he’s not wearing his earring, his eyes look happy as always. He looks happy in general. Whithout me obviously. I cannot even imagine he ever thought about me.

I was looking at these pictures and I couldn’t imagine myself being there and it’s hard to imagine that he’s there. But I guess that’s who he is and I have no idea about him.

We couldn’t even be together if we lived close to each other. Because we have so different worlds, I’d feel uncomfortable in his world. But knowing this doesn’t mean I made peace with him not giving a shit about me. It just made me even more sad. Because I know that it will never ever happen but for sure. How a guy who goes to fancy parties would ever want a girl who has a mental illness??? Why am I trying to say myself that he liked me? What the fuck??? He just thought I was pathetic that I thought that he would care, I’m sure he was laughing while texting me anything nice. 😞 Who the fuck am I to think I had the slightest chance?? With anyone…? Now I honestly don’t even want to live for too long. I might got my Bsc thesis done, post it on ig, and he might text me a “congrats” so at least we’ll text one more time before I kill myself. Because honestly, why the fuck should I do anything in this fucking life if I can’t share it with someone? And why do I still think that he’s such a nice person as he “acts”? He showed a lot of red flags. But fuck, his vibe…, I can’t.

Yeah, so I give myself 15 months. I won’t be here after 2022 March.

Or maybe I’ll go to Hawaii after my thesis and just end everything there. I’m so sorry mum and dad and sis in advance. I’m so sorry. But i just can’t! I tried so many things. Why is my life so miserable? Why is it me?? I was not made for this shit. And I cannot create better. I’ve tried so fuckig hard but I just got tired. Maybe out there it looks more beautiful. I was just getting better but if just one fucking picture makes me feel like this how am I supposed to make someone else feel good in any situation? When I can’t even help myself? Why the fuck this feeling ain’t going away??? I can’t make it stop. But I need to make it stop. There’s a solution. I’m really sorry. I love you all.

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