#have culminated into me getting so angry at my fears for making me feel | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arcanemadman · 10 months

Note

How exactly is Subhuman lyrical character assassination for Dante?

Ok. I'm not looking forward to writing this but…

So you've probably seen that there are some mixed opinions on this particular song, so allow me to clarify. I would like to preface this by stating that Subhuman is one of the few things in the world that I feel genuine hatred toward, which is either amusing to think about or outright pathetic. I actually can't listen to any part of the song without feeling anxiety or anger. As such, I have avoided listening to the song again.

First of, lets talk about the original version of the song. The original was sung by suicide silence, who at one point a popular deathcore band until the death of their main vocalist, after which they spiraled into disaster and alienating their fan base. Their version on the song, without exaggeration, sounded like pigs squealing. High pitched, badly mixed music by a washed out band who's new main vocalist also happened to be a pedo. These factors culminated into the song, upon being released, getting over 13,000 dislikes before the video was deleted from YouTube. Seriously, when people first did listens like you do they were, at best, laughing.

youtube

So they replace the vocalist, problem solved right? No. This is actually the second attempt by composer cody matthew johnson at a theme for Dante, the first being a remix of Devils Never Cry for Marvel vs Capcom Infinite, and is largely considered the worst and only bad version of the song. And when advertising this song on his website, he advertised it as the theme of "the foul mouthed anti-hero" Dante, AKA reboot Dante.

In other words, he made it for the wrong character. Johnsons reaction to the backlash was to throw a tantrum and saying he's "happy to stir the pot", ignoring the fact that the original version was actually painful to listen to (this isn't hyperbole, seriously don't take my word for it and listen to the original version and you'll get what I mean) and the fact that it was sung by a pedophile. Recently he also related the backlash he got to the abuse targeted at actress Lily Gao for her performance in the Resident Evil 4 remake, which is deeply insulting considering she was subjected to racist abuse and harassed off social media.

And even then, the song itself good for what it's supposed to be. As a character theme, it's character regression for Dante. It's an angry, spiteful song that goes on about how Dante struggles with this evil inside him, how he hates all demonkind and how he's a rage filled monster that tears through everything in his way. But that's not Dante. At one point, Dante did have anger towards demons and hate that part of himself, but his character ark in Devil May Cry 3 was accepting that part of himself and growing as a person. DMC3 is a prequel, mind you. In universe, he got over those feelings over 25 years ago.

When faced with demons, he often offers to show them mercy even if they don't accept, because he knows that just as any human can do evil, any devil can do good. He spares Trish in DMC1, a demon created for the sole purpose of killing him, and in turn she becomes his trusted friend. In DMC2, he refuses to let Lucia kill herself because her fear of hurting humans proves she's not a monster to him. In the anime, he's hired to kill a demon called Brad and instead finds him in a bar, talks with him to figure out what his deal was, and then helped Brad protect his human girlfriend and kill his demonic master. In fact, he's far more merciful to demonic enemies than his human ones, who he kills without ever offering mercy, because at its core those that give up their humanity are worse than those that never had it to begin with.

youtube

That's mainly it. The thesis statement of the entire series is this - The human ability to care for others, to love someone, be it family, friend, or romance. If you care enough to cry, THAT is what makes you human. Dante is powerful not just because of the demonic power of his father, but because of the human heart of his mother. He is the son of both Sparda and Eva, and he's proud of that. But the very title of subhuman contradicts the entire point of the series. It implies he is less than human, but he's not more human or more demon, he's both, and that's the point of him as a character. Vergil rejected his humanity, while Dante embraced it. He's reached an equilibrium in his soul and grown as a person, embodying both worlds as a devil with ability to cry. Subhuman doesn't focus on Dante's humanity at all, it's all about how he's inhuman.

youtube

You remember how in Devils Never Cry the harder and softer lyrics are separate and initially clash, representing his demon and human halves, but in the end they come together into a singular song, representing Dante's acceptance of both sides of himself. There's none of that nuance in this song.

And removing the character assassination, it's just not a good representation of Dante. As I said it feels angry and violent, but Dante is charming and stylish. Of course he does have some resentment to aspects of his life, at times wishing he could have a normal life, but he enjoys what he's got. With the other character themes, the lyrics feel like something the characters would say in battle; With Devil Trigger, I can see Nero smirking and shouting "Bang, bang, bang! Pull my devil trigger!" as he throttles his sword as his enemies charge at him. With Crimson Cloud, V talking in poetry all the time so "Saviour! Bloodstain! Hellfire! Shadow! Heaven on a landslide!" sounds like something he'd read out to himself as his demons tore up the battle. And with Bury the Light, Vergil would totally proclaim "I am the storm that is approaching!" before unleashing a devastating attack.

But with Dante, who taunts by throwing a rose at his enemies, laughing and pointing, and playfully beckoning at his enemies to keep trying their best, I can't see that person screaming at the top of their lungs in fury "YOU CANNOT KILL ME!" Dante isn't someone who feels the need to prove anything to himself or his enemies. It's part of his charm that powerful demons will fight him, expecting a respectful battle with the son of the legendary Sparda, but instead they get their ass beat by an idiot more interested in seeing what he can do with a hodgepodge of weapons than taking things seriously. And when he does get serious, it's more quite, closer to "you've got my attention and I'll make you regret it." It's too insecure. A better line would be something like "Just try to kill me!" but even then, it's still screaming. There's no subtlety here.

None of this is helped by the fact that the song is so plodding. The low BPM makes it feel plodding, and while I'm certainly no expert on music that sort of feeling hurts in a game as fast as DMC, especially for Dante, who while not as fast as Vergil is by far the most chaotic character to play as. Teleporting, swapping guns, swapping weapons, swapping styles, Dante has over 100 potential actions that can loop into each other freely. Subhuman doesn't capture how chaotic it feels to play as Dante. It's going for the power fantasy of Kratos, an unstoppable juggernaut as opposed to the power fantasy of a stylish showdown. You don't play as Dante to strike fear into demonkind, you play him to see just what bullshit you can get away with even in the most dire situations.

youtube

That is ultimately why Subhuman fails and betrays Dante as a character.

I'll admit, from my personal experience I tried everything to get myself to like the song. I listened to every edit trying to salvage it, every version that changed it up, all hoping that Dante would get the theme he deserved. But I think that's why I hate it so much now. I desperately wanted it to be good. But at it's core, the song is fundamentally flawed it what it sets out to do, represent Dante as a character, and it needed a full overhaul that was never realistic within the time frame of it being revealed to the public and the games release. Honestly, after what he did to Devils Never Cry they should never have given Dantes theme to someone as inexperienced as cody and his works before and since have been middling at best. But he was the real thing that killed subhuman for me. Anyone that listened to the original version knows it was BAD, but he acted like he was a visionary who was too smart for the rest of us and ignoring all criticism including, need I remind you, HIRING A PEDOPHILE. The recent thing with Lily Gao I find particularly infuriating because what she has been going through is unquestionably awful, yet he made it about himself. As if a white composer who complained about the whole thing on twitter suffered the same abuse as an asian woman who was chased off social media. That inability to self reflect on anything and blaming everyone that disagrees with you is just arrogance in the end.

I always get really angry whenever I think about this song. If I had the same passion for writing things I actually cared about I'd be an acclaimed author by now. I don't like how much I think about this song so much. As I said at the state hating a song this much is either amusing or pathetic. But Dante is a character that holds a certain importance for who I am so I care more than I should. I know not everyone had the same experience I have, or don't really care about the music so long as the game is fine, but the music in Devil May Cry has always been spectacular, and the character themes have been brilliant ways to prove who the characters are deep down. So for Dante, the face of the series, to be stuck with the worst one in the entire series in the grand return of the series until the next game comes around… it's fucking infuriating.

#devil may cry #dmc #subhuman #why subhuman sucks ass #took me long enough to answer this #copy and pasted from somewhere else #Dante isn't an angry or hateful person #he doesn't hate his demon half and he doesn't struggle to control it #he doesn't resent who he is #he doesn't see himself as subhuman #dante is the son of sparda and eva #that's why subhuman is shit #i will never not shit on subhuman

30 notes · View notes

kaibacorpstocksplit · 10 months

Note

Kaiba for the ask thing 🩵🤍

First impression: Childhood hero. The model for everything I love in a character. Baby's first blorbo. Most iconic character of all time. Everyone needs to be nice to him and I will lay here thinking about everyone being nice to him until I fall asleep.

Impression now: Perhaps one of the greatest characters of all time. Unironically. Richly and wonderfully written, angry and self-destructive and doesn't always have the right "feelings" because the story respects that he's a struggling, heavily burdened teenager. Still the character nearest and dearest to my heart. Everyone needs to be nice to him.

Favorite moment: Aside from all of them, Castle Gambit really was so iconic, and though it was more weighty in the manga I still think the heaviness carried over even to the anime. Makes me sad how misinterpreted it gets because it's this horrible culmination of all of Kaiba's fears all at once as he believes he's moments from losing literally everything he has (and so has no problem staking his life to win). Also "nice outfit, dork."

Idea for a story: Seto and Mokuba make a neat little art exhibition together. I love artist Mokuba and while I don't see Seto himself as super creative, I think it'd be neat if he brought Mokuba's stuff to life in Solid Vision, like a big interactive gallery.

Unpopular opinion: I don't think he's ever going to be the friendly, well-adjusted, "fully recovered" Seto Kaiba people want him to be, and that's fine. I think he can by happy and alright even with the damage.

Favorite relationship: I only ever want to read about the Kaiba brothers. I never get tired of the Kaiba brothers. They are the most important.

Favorite headcanon: I can never decide if it's funnier if Kaiba has naturally green hair and dyes it brown, or if he dyed his hair green on purpose.

28 notes · View notes

official-kenralie-fanbase · 1 year

Note

Thoughts about Sophies and Oralies relationship? What will happen? Are they going to be friends again? Will they become a mother-daughter duo?

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while so thank you for giving me a window anon! And ignore the fact that you asked this over a month ago in my eyes it has been merely a day

(and on a side note if I take a while to answer an ask please don't let that deter you from sending them! I promise I am incredibly honored with every ask I receive and am working on it slowly but surely)

Okay there is A LOT so I'm putting it under a cut

tl;dr: Both Sophie and Oralie messed up involving their relationship, but I think they're going to make up before the end of the series.

Sophie and Oralie's relationship is a really controversial topic everywhere in the fandom, and it's easy to understand why. From where I see it, the two main arguments are either "Sophie completely overreacted and Oralie was 100% in the right" or "Oralie's a jerk who ruined Sophie's life and Sophie had every right to get mad." (Obviously these are exaggerations, not calling anyone out in particular)

(LOL this reminds me of one time I made friends with like a 9-year-old girl -I think I was 16ish- who liked KOTLC, and I had Kenric and Oralie on my phone case at the time, so I showed her my case and she literally took my phone, punched the spot where Oralie was and walked away, never to speak to me about KOTLC again

Anyway back to the analysis)

But as I see it, neither of them was entirely in the right.

As someone who loves both Sophie and Oralie, I think it's a very complicated situation to which neither of them reacted the best way. In Sophie's defense, she did have every right to be upset, even angry. She'd known this woman for what, two years (ish??? I think?) at this point and never once had any indication that she was her biological mother. I would be very angry about that, and I have a stable family situation, unlike Sophie. Sophie's a teenager who's been through a lot of trauma, especially family-related trauma. She had every right to have the reaction she did.

And as much as I love Oralie, I can say without any hesitation that she had a bad reaction to Sophie finding out. There's more about why I think she reacted this way below, but she just kind of froze. Didn't really apologize, didn't explain, just went... hmm, might we say numb??? (*cough cough hint hint*) Not exactly a good way to convince your daughter that you care about her.

BUT I also think that Sophie's reaction to Oralie was a culmination of all of her frustration and anger about the whole situation. She deserved to be mad at Oralie, specifically, but she was also taking out a lot of her anger on Oralie. Because Oralie was a really easy person for her to take it out on. She 1) had been there all along and saw what Sophie went through, 2) had just participated in a highly emotional situation with Sophie in which she was encouraging Sophie to be honest and 3) didn't really fight back.

However, as justified as Sophie's original reaction was, I think she's purposefully holding onto her hatred at this point in the story. I'm not blaming her -I actually think this makes a lot of sense- but there have been many times when Oralie's cried or gotten emotional about Sophie/Kenric/whatnot (she's a very emotional person and I love her for it alright) and Sophie's gone like "sympathy what no I can't feel sympathy I'm reminding myself that I hate her". This is fascinating to me, how she's been betrayed so many times by people she cared about that she doesn't want to let herself believe that Oralie actually cares about her.

And then there's the whole thing about why Oralie reacted that way. She has actively shown how much she cares about Sophie at every opportunity she really could, so why did she not try to convince her daughter about how much she really loves her?

I think it boils down to two things: fear and being an Empath. If Kenric hadn't died, I honestly think that she would have told Sophie the truth much earlier in the series. But after he died, she was scared that she'd lose more people she loved, and purposefully tried to help Sophie while putting up more of a wall between them.

I think Mr. Forkle's death contributed to that as well. In the Nightfall-Flashback era, Oralie is in like two scenes in total. She'd lost one person she loved, and then watched Sophie lose someone she cared about. Oralie blamed herself a lot for Mr. Forkle's death, since he did die to protect her (their relationship is fascinating to me). After that, Oralie put up even more of a distance between herself and Sophie- not because she didn't care. Because she'd watched two people who she cared about die in horrible, violent ways, and the last thing she wanted was for that to happen to her daughter. It was easier to put distance between them, especially since the Council had just been targeted. If there wasn't an obvious relationship between them, the Neverseen wouldn't use Sophie to punish Oralie, as a Council member.

And then there's the fact that she's an Empath. It's obvious from her relationship with Kenric (especially *that scene* in Unlocked that I will never recover from) that she is a pro at hiding her emotions. As an Empath, she has to be. But my theory is that Empaths have to hide their emotions well, but over time, they forget how to use the emotions they've hidden- kind of like a minor version of what happened to Vespera.

I legitimately think that Oralie forgot how to care about Sophie- and not that she ever didn't care about Sophie, she just knew she couldn't actively show her support, so she tried to act more as a Councillor than she did as a mother. She's pushed that side of herself down for so long, not wanting anyone to find out that she's Sophie's mother because of the drastic repercussions that could have, that she's forgotten how to use it. She's used her Councillor guise to protect Sophie for so long that she forgot how to stop using it.

Oralie's helping Sophie with the caches and with finding out what Kenric hid, as emotionally painful as it was for her, is a strong sign that she is trying so hard to care. She's realizing that she can't be a Councillor and a mother at once, as much as she tried (WOAH Y'ALL the parallels to Shannon's own life :| projecting on her characters, she's just like us). That's why she had such a dramatic switch in Stellarlune. The personality swap, the outfit change, the secret office... it's all her trying so desperately to prove to Sophie that she's willing to stop being a Councillor to show her that she cares.

And Sophie still doesn't believe her. It makes sense under the circumstances, but I think both of them are going to regret this.

(subtly transitions into what's probably going to happen in the next book)

I think it's going to take the revelation of Oralie's secret for their relationship to actually heal. Whether Oralie's forced to reveal it herself, someone else reveals it, or it's discovered against her will, I am like 99.6% sure that it's going to be revealed to the world. There wouldn't be such drama around the whole "knowing your parent's identities could topple the world" thing if just that wasn't going to happen.

When Oralie's identity is revealed, Sophie's going to have to make a choice: To stand with her or against her. And I think she's going to stand with her. Because as angry as she is, Oralie is not her enemy. She's a flawed, broken person who's made both good and bad choices- just like Sophie herself. I think Sophie's matured enough by this point to realize that.

There's probably going to be an emotional scene where they make up- and a strong likelihood that this scene happens as Oralie is dying. I described in detail why I think she's going to die here so I won't explain it too much, but it would honestly be just like Shannon to make a super dramatic, emotional scene as Oralie is dying where they finally make up and end on a good note before she dies.

But as much as the angst-loving part of me would eat that up, I also think it would be amazing for them to become a girlboss mother-daughter duo and just like defeat Neverseen members together. I think between these two options, it depends on how late Oralie's identity is revealed. If it's late in the story, like right before the final battle or something, the first is more likely. However, if it occurs early in the final book(s) then I believe it's likely that they do have a good friendship for a while before the book ends.

If Oralie doesn't die, I think she and Sophie will remain friends. Sophie won't call her Mom, and Oralie won't be offended by that, but they'll still have a solid, deep relationship. I can picture Oralie being in the audience at her Foxfire graduation, the two of them having lunch together, Sophie taking her to the Forbidden Cities and showing her where she grew up. At that point, Oralie will likely have sacrificed something major for Sophie (probably her Councillor position) and Sophie will know that, even if she doesn't see her as a mother, Oralie really does care for her.

KOTLC is all about how your family isn't just who you're related to, it's who you choose. So how poetic would it be if it ended with Sophie and Oralie deciding what their relationship will be? They won't be mother and daughter, but they've bonded to have a beautiful friendship despite all the hardship and pain.

#kotlc #kotlc analysis #thanks for the ask!#anonymous #long post #kotlc headcanons #councillor oralie #kotlc oralie #sophie foster #kotlc sophie #there is so much potential in an amazing friendship between them post canon #these two broken women who partially contributed to breaking each other #they might be related by blood #but they have to decide to be related by their own choice

8 notes · View notes

kim-jonghyeon · 2 years

Text

Kim Jonghyeon Feature: "I want to reminisce with Nu'est members over a drink" (The Star July 2022)

[source]

Former Nu'est member Kim Jonghyeon revealed an unmatched aura in his magazine feature.

Kim Jonghyeon's fashion feature in the July edition of the The Star has been released. In this feature, in the topic called "IT'S TIME," the unrivaled charm of Jonghyeon, who is preparing for a new leap, was felt.

In the released pictures, Jonghyeon's contemplative pose caught in a relaxed mood and melancholy gaze evokes admiration.

After Nu'est's official disbandment last March, Kim Jonghyeon is preparing to stand alone and settle down somewhere new. In the interview after the photo feature, he assures us about his new start: "I'm really thankful to those who are with Kim Jonghyeon [t/n: as a solo artist*] not as Nu'est. More than a changed Kim Jonghyeon, I want to show everyone a more developed side of myself."

Kim Jonghyeon who was the leader of Nu'est. About the culmination of Nu'est's activities, he confesses: "I have complicated feelings not as a leader, but as a member. I feel excitement about starting new and also fear about having to stand alone. So many emotions came through me." And to the Nu'est members, he sends his best wishes: "Let's reminisce over a drink."

On where he usually gets his inspiration to write songs, he says, "I'm the type to sometimes say, 'Let's start with this word.' If I start with thinking of a word, I can start writing a bit from there." He cites "Now I'm living in your season" [t/n: from A Song For You] in particular as one of his favorite lyrics. "It means something like, 'I'm in your heart the entire year', so I love that line," he adds.

Regarding his activities not as a singer but as an actor, he answers, "I'm also seeing a side of myself that I haven't seen before. I can be angry Kim Jonghyeon, or crying Kim Jonghyeon. I think can show different sides of myself."

When asked about what he's thinking about lately, he says, "The fanmeeting stage is my biggest concern. 'How can I show more? How can I formulate this stage and what kind of performance can I show?' I want to show something a bit different from what I've already shown before."

Finally, he says, "I can work hard at my activities and gain a lot of strength from the fans who are cheering me on. I'll try a bit more so I can keep showing you more of myself."

*Although he didn't use those words, his sentence construction makes it clear that he's referring to fans who are with him as a solo artist, beyond his activities with Nu'est.

[this is a fan translation by a non-native korean speaker and may contain inaccuracies. it has not yet been proofread or edited.]

#kim jonghyeon #김종현 #뉴이스트 #nu'est #shanibugi trans #feeling randomly anxious today so i distracted myself by translating yay

10 notes · View notes

littlerabbittarot · 25 days

Text

Tarot: Being Reminded of ‘Strength’

What I love so much about tarot is how it speaks with us, or how we speak to ourselves through it. In our day to day routines, the simple, or even sometimes fantastic of things can get lost. A moment with ourselves, our cards, and opening our hearts can be a good reminder (or reinforcement) of those precious things.

While finishing up reading the book “Tarot Shadow Work: Using the Dark Symbols to Heal” by Christine Jette, more of a workbook in confronting and addressing the darker or more deeper sides of ourselves, I had a pretty profound experience with the final spread. A culmination of the efforts the readers of the book had put in, this final spread centered around ‘The Star’, and our hopes for the future. And not to spoil the spread, I mostly wanted to talk about one card that has had a tendency to follow me. In the position of “Your Gifts” — What does one need to keep or nurture? What gifts have you found in the dark? What strengths have you developed? — That’s where it popped up. ‘Strength’, quite fitting.

The Strength card from the Rider Waite Smith Pocket Edition tarot deck.

I won’t lie, I often get emotional whenever this card shows itself. Almost no matter the spread, no matter the position, it’s like this card appears and tries to remind me, “Don’t forget me, I’m always here, you’ll always have me.”

I can get frustrated, angry even, when that lion comes up. It can almost feel like a moment of weakness, of humbling, feeling at fault for my struggles and not channeling what the card says I already possess. I think many can relate to this feeling. Being challenged by life and never feeling good enough. Like you’re barely standing on your own two feet, dangling by a thread. One false move and you’ll crumble.

“What strength!?” I often yell back this card. “I’m terrified all the time, unable to do the most basic tasks, crippled by anxiety, hardly taking one step forward before I stumble backward! What kind of strength is that!” I feel mocked, like this card is placed as a joke at my expense.

But the card says nothing in return. In reality, it’s just a piece of paper, it has nothing to say. But it doesn’t need to say anything. The picture says it all.

A lone figure, no sign of fear in their face or posture. In fact, they seem content, pleased even, as they grasp at the jaws of a fierce predator. The lion, with all the power it holds, relents. There is no submission, but trust. These two beings existing together, frozen in time as one. Neither needs to make a move, neither has to. There is this unspoken exchange of curiosity. The courage it takes to approach the lion, and the faith the lion gives to be vulnerable.

When I saw that card appear in this spread, I laughed. The things life has thrown at me these last few years, and when this spread asks me, “What strengths have you developed?” I am shown literal ‘Strength’, I couldn’t help but laugh! And once I was done laughing, I sat with this card. Let it linger in the air, my thoughts going blank as I stared at the artwork. And for the first time, I could hear it speak. Through images in my head of recent events, of me overcoming things I never could’ve imagined. Simple things for most, scary things for me. But I had tried, and stumbled, but kept trying. Going forward, trudging on, pushing through the muck. Looking back at my efforts, I could see why this was the only fitting card to have come out. I may have times of self-doubt, low confidence, and my anxiety is still kicking, but as am I. Slowly, but surely, I continue on, and ‘Strength’ says, “I’ve been there all along, you just couldn’t hear me.”

Sometimes you have to wait for the right moment for something to resonate. You can be told time and time again the same thing, but one day you’ll hear it in a slightly different way, and it feels like brand new.

I’m opening the floor for you to join me in a quiet moment of reflection. If you have a deck, pull out your ‘Strength’ card (or use my photo from this post), a journal ideally too, and sit with it for a bit. Give yourself the space to absorb the imagery, have an open mind and try to listen. After a few minutes, record your thoughts. Maybe leave the card out for a while, or snap a pic and use it as your phone or computer wallpaper.

What strengths have you exhibited recently? How does it feel to notice it?

—

Thank you for reading! I hope to continue to blog about tarot, mental health, and similar topics. Feel free to follow, or support me on Ko-Fi.

-LR🐇

#mental health #tarot cards #inner strength #self love #tarotblr

0 notes

lilyevanstan1325 · 4 months

Text

✨ Astral Lovers ✨

Chapter 11

Philiph McTavish POV

GENEVA - Switzerland

I find myself looking at the monitors from the security room.

Standing, with my hands folded behind my back, I try to figure out how to get out of this situation.

I feel one step away from being able to find the solution to my problem but in the end something is always missing.

I need the Space Stone.

Hydra needs it.

I'm running out of time.

If so far I have been feared and respected, now from the upper floors they have let me know that my time is running out, 10 years is too long and their patience is now at the limit.

They need the Stone now.

I take off my glasses and with the flap of my smock I clean the lenses, I observe them against the light.

I mirror myself in their reflection and the image they return to me makes me angry.

Dark circles around my tired gray eyes.

I don't have time to rest.

I have to find a solution.

If I fail I will lose my prominent place, maybe I'll end up serving as a servant to the subjects we keep in this facility and that would be one of the best guesses after all.

For what is at stake, I would find myself paying for failure with my own life.

Hydra does not forgive.

"Oh Sophia with your death you took away the only secret I was ever interested in..."

I whisper to myself.

When I was given this assignment I did not believe it was that long term, an assignment that culminated in a marriage and a daughter.

Maybe there was a moment when I really loved that woman, with the birth of Elisabeth I almost believed I could be happy.

To be able to devote my life to my family but the importance of my mission ultimately took priority.

We are fighting for the greater good, Hydra needs to return to power.

Destroy the S.H.I.E.L.D. and any other stupid organization that dares to get in the way.

Like the Avengers.

I think back to Dr. Avery's words and sigh.

Finding something she loves to bend her to our will.

Everything that Elisabeth loved was her mother and she is gone.

The mental prison where we closed her is totally different from reality, created so that she would not struggle to return to us.

It took nearly a decade of cryogenesis.

The Project T.A.H.I.T.I. it took some time for it to work.

Agent Coulson worked on his guinea pigs and then on himself.

With the results we had on the same experience as him we decided to try.

So some of our infiltrators stole projects and data and we scientists loyal to Hydra have thought of everything else.

Putting new memories into Elisabeth's mind was definitely not a walk in the park but it worked in the end.

By obscuring her memory and inserting a new story for her life, a sad and monotonous story that kept her chained to the perennial sleep that we would soon impose on her.

As soon as everything was ready she was thawed and sedated and she was induced into a pharmacological coma.

We monitored it and in just over 3 months the situation precipitated.

The Stone is consuming her being and the only solution not to lose her would be to wake her up.

I sigh again but this time in frustration.

I turn to the only window in this room.

It's snowing outside, Geneva is really freezing in December.

Snowflakes swirl in the gray sky, the branches of the trees bend weighted down by the thick blanket of snow that fell tonight.

Suddenly a red light in the room turns on, flashing non-stop and a high-pitched alarm begins to sound throughout the building.

I run up to the monitors and what I see leaves me breathless.

I open the door and begin to run out of breath along the corridor, overwhelming everything and everyone who comes within range.

I am overtaken by dozens of armed men.

"Stop!Stop!"

I cry out of breath but they can't hear me in the midst of all that din.

"Don't shoot idiots!Do not shoot!"

I arrive in front of the door of her room and the scene in front is surreal.

There are about ten guards lying on the floor of the room, they seem to have lost consciousness.

As many guards have encircled the bed in the center of the room, I push forward badly pushing the gunmen.

"Stop!Do not shoot!"

At the foot of the bed is Dr. Avery, stained with blood as if he had hit something with his own face.

All the machinery in the room is scattered across the floor.

And then there is her.

Elisabeth.

She is standing next to the bed that she has hosted her for the past 3 months.

She has her arms outstretched, in a defensive position.

A small creature wrapped in a hospital gown too big for her, her black curls fall messily on her face.

God!

She is the same as her mother.

Her arms are crossed by what appear to be electric discharges, but they are blue.

The Stone is active, showing its power.

Her eyes are bewildered, confused.

Her chest rises and falls frantically.

She looks like a trapped animal.

Dr. Avery keeps telling her to calm down, that nobody wants to hurt her.

What a big lie.

As soon as her eyes meet mine she winces, she seems to relax a little but her hands continue to reverberate with that strange and fascinating energy.

"You?"

"Hi Elisabeth.You finally woke up.I was so worried"

I have to play my part as a worried father at my best.

She looks at me, her big onyx eyes seem to peer into me.

"What am I doing here?Where I am?" she asks me suspiciously.

I will opt for a half truth.

"You are in an old fortress that the people I work for have converted into a private clinic.We are in Geneva, Switzerland.You've been here for 10 years now.You went into a coma after a bad accident in Brookville.The same incident where my poor Sophia, your mother, lost her life.I've been waiting for so long for you to open your eyes again, I've never lost hope"

She doesn't seem to believe me.

Damn!

"I understand you may feel confused now but it's okay.You are safe here"

I try to tell her in a strong and confident voice.

"Why the armed guards?" her voice is scratchy from her decade of inactivity.

"They..." I tell her pointing with my hand before her at the guards and then Dr. Avery "They are only here to protect you"

"Protect me from what exactly" she asks me sharpening her eyes.

Too many questions.

That's no good.

I approach slowly, palms facing up to make her understand that I have only peaceful intentions.

Almost.

But this she cannot know.

As I pass a trolley with medical equipment I see what appears to be a syringe full of sedative, I grab it unnoticed and hide it in the sleeve of my lab coat.

"I defend you from the world my child.Out there is full of people who want to hurt you because of your abilities" so saying I point to her hands still traversed by those electric shocks.

I get even closer.

Now a few steps separate us.

She continues to remain on the defensive, opens and closes her fists as if weighing the immensity of that power.

She raises a hand forward, the guards immediately cock their rifles at her.

"Firm idiots.Put those damn weapons down!" I scream with all the breath in my throat.

The agents look at each other confused but obey.

They are forced to do it.

Elisabeth's arm is now stretched out in front of her, it looks like she's focusing on one of the monitors in front of her.

She then gestures with her hand, as if she is chasing away a fly and at the same time as her movement the monitor rises into the air and crashes into the wall behind me.

The monitor barely touches my face but I try to stay calm.

"Bullshits!" she screams, flames of anger dance in her eyes.

"You are evil.You Doctor Ross or should I say Doctor McTavish?"

I remain petrified.

How the hell does she know?

This is classified information.

Even her mother never knew who I really was, at least until shortly before her death.

She smiles at me bitterly and keeps talking.

"You killed my mother"

"It was an accident Lily"

I call her with the diminutive who her mother loved so much trying to sweeten her.

"I know it was an accident but if you hadn't deceived her, you hadn't married her just because she was a guardian of one of the Infinity Stones, we wouldn't have been there that day.And she would still be alive"

I can't hide my shocked face, it's not possible that she knows all these things.

It is absolutely not possible.

"How the hell do you..." I'm about to ask her but her crystalline laugh interrupts me.

" Jesus Christ Philiph you should see your face right now.Know that you will not get what you want so much.I'd rather die than help you son of a bitch!"

She walks up to me, chest to chest.

The agents behind me fidget, I signal them not to move.

She is challenging me.

And for the first time I am blown away, I don't know how to react.

She stands up on her toes and whispers in my ear "Oh so you know you are not my father" she pulls her face away from mine.

"But you already knew this, didn't you?Or at least you've always suspected it"

Now she smiles at me with satisfaction.

I raise a corner of my lips.

"I thought so" I admit.

"But that's okay, it'll be easier to get rid of you"

So saying I quickly raise my hand and stick the syringe full of sedative into her neck.

She collapses immediately in my arms, tries feebly to rebel.

"Quiet Elisabeth.At the end of all this you will be free and happy.Because in the end you will hug your mother again"

Steve POV

I haven't heard from Lily in nearly two days now.

Yesterday, just before I got home from my mission in Washington with Nat, I spoke to Bucky on the phone about her and he told me he saw her.

He talked to her, he says she's fine.

But I am not well.

Knowing that she feels betrayed by me is corroding my soul.

Now I'm sitting here at my desk and I'm standing there lost in my thoughts because I don't even know where the hell to look for her.

I can't live like this, I can't take it anymore.

I support my elbows on my knees and sink my face into my hands.

My friends were right, I should have told her the truth because Lily is strong.

She is stubborn.

She would have known how to deal with the whole situation.

But I just wanted to protect her.

Just this.

Is it really so wrong to try to protect the one you love?

"Steve?Hey Steve!"

Natasha is standing in front of my bedroom door, one shoulder leaning against the door jamb and her arms crossed over her chest.

"How are you?"

I hate this question.

I lift my face from my hands.

"How am I supposed to be Nat?Maybe I've lost the love of my life forever, how should I feel?"

I reply with a veil of anger in my voice.

"How would you be if you lost Bucky?"

The words slip out of my mouth without having time to stop them.

She looks at me with wide eyes, for the first time I see her unable to hide her true emotions.

"What are you talking about Rogers?" she stammers.

"Please Romanoff spare me your lies"

She sighs and enters my room closing the door behind her.

"Did he tell you?"

"Who Bucky?No, he's too afraid of you"

We both giggle.

I keep talking.

"Really, he has nothing to do with it.I saw it by myself, that day at the Brookville's cemetery.Why didn't you tell me about it?You are my best friends, I would have only been happy for the two of you.You deserve all the happiness in this world.You know I really think so"

The redhead slumps herself on the bed, then she leans up on her elbows.

"Stevie you know I suck with the love stuff" she glances up at the ceiling.

"Besides, I didn't tell you about it just because I was scared of this feeling I guess"

"Natasha loves James" I chirp teasing her.

She reaches out one leg and places her boot on my foot.

"Ouch"

"Shut the fuck up Rogers"

We both burst out laughing.

When our laughter dies I hear her whisper.

"Yes.I think in the end we fell in love"

"I'm happy for you"

We look at each other for a few moments, I feel my eyes moisten under her gaze.

I turn my head quickly to the opposite side.

Captain America doesn't cry.

"Steve?"

I don't answer my friend, I don't have the strength.

I hear the rustle of the blankets as Natasha's body leaves the bed.

I keep looking at the wall in front of me and don't even turn around when my friend bends over her knees by my side.

She puts a hand on my leg and squeezes.

I cover her hand with mine.

Our fingers intertwine.

Some tears escape from my eyes out of my control.

"What if I had lost her forever?"

I feel my heart breaking at the very thought.

"Steve this doesn't exist.I'm willing to look for her all over the planet and kick her to you if necessary"

I smile at her weakly.

I know she would be able to do it.

"Come here hunk" she tells me as she stands up.

When she is standing in front of me she hugs me, her arms are around my neck.

I rest my head on her chest trying to regain control of myself.

"It will be all right Rogers.We're going to make sure that she's okay"

We stand still until Friday's voice catches our attention.

"Captain Rogers.Agent Romanoff.Sergeant Barnes has requested your presence in the meeting room"

Nat and I look into each other's dazed eyes, we are both confused.

"Thanks Friday, we'll be right there" I reply.

Nat releases her embrace and holds out her hand to help me get up.

In silence we go downstairs until we find ourselves in the meeting room.

Along with Bucky are Sam, Tony, Bruce and even Doctor Strange.

I walk in with a slow pace, I don't understand what is happening.

Bucky walks up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

He turns to everyone present and begins to speak.

"Now that we're all here we can get started.Dr Strange and I have something to update you on"

I stare intently at my best friend, he returns my gaze only for a moment then looks away as if he feels guilty.

What the hell is going on?

Natasha sits next to me.

Bucky and Strange talk.

They tell everything that has happened in the last 36 hours.

With every word from them I am more and more shocked.

Jesus Christ everything I could have imagined except that Lily was Strange's daughter.

Natasha, on the other hand, is watching Bucky intently, he is blatantly avoiding her girlfriend's gaze.

I know what Nat is thinking because I'm thinking the same thing.

Bucky lied to both of them.

Why did she prefer to get help from my best friend and not me?

My chest aches.

But I try to put my feelings aside and focus on what people in front of me have to say.

Banner is talking now.

"I did the research you asked Barnes and found all the information about the T.A.H.I.T.I. Project.

T.A.H.I.T.I., Terrestrialized Alien Host Integrative Tissue I., was a S.H.I.E.L.D. Level 9 project ordered by Nick Fury and overseen by Phil Coulson.It involved the harvesting of an alien corpse for medicinal purposes.For Lily they didn't use the medical part of the project but they used the Memory Overwriting Machine.That machine is used to scrub the brains and give the patients new lives but Phil Coulson regretted using the machine when he heard the screams that each person gave as they were kept conscious, with their skull caps removed, as their memories were changed.So the project was suspended but apparently Hydra carried the work on"

Bruce sighs, he seems in pain.

"It must not have been easy for her but technically that's what she was subjected to"

A strangled sound comes from my lips, I rest my elbows on my knees and take a deep breath.

I feel my head spinning.

Breath in and breath out.

The waves of nausea seem to subside.

"Everything ok Cap?"

Tony's voice forces me to look up.

All eyes in this room are on me.

A couple in particular seem to be examining me thoroughly.

Stephen Strange.

His eyes so similar to her daughter's.

"Yeah.Yeah.Sorry!I...I need some air.Excuse me!"

I get up and stride away from that stuffy room.

I pay no attention to anything, not even Bucky's voice calling me.

I reach the large terrace of the tower and observe the panorama in front of me.

It's all a lot more complicated than I imagined.

Damn!

If I had asked for help first, maybe today Lily would not be lost who knows where.

Maybe I could have helped her.

What she has been subjected to is something inhumane.

I clench my fists.

I would just like to find those responsible for this and take my anger out on them.

I hear footsteps behind me.

"You know if it can make you feel better you can punch me if you like"

"I will not hit you James"

"Fuck...you call me James this means that you are much more than mad at me"

I sigh without answering him.

I know it's not his fault.

I screwed up everything!

I am the one who was wrong about her by hiding the truth, indeed he has always encouraged me not to lie to her.

I lean on the railing and let my thoughts wander at full speed.

I hear Bucky approaching and he too leans against the railing.

We remain silent without saying anything.

The sun is setting, the outline of the moon is already visible and soon the stars will appear.

Another night away from her.

"Shit!" I exclaim, turning my back to the New York skyline and leaning my back where my arms used to be.

Bucky speaks without looking at me.

"I'm sorry for lying to you brother.I hated every moment I did it.But it was her who begged me not to tell you what she was planning to do.I couldn't tell her no, she made me promise" Bucky sighs.

I laugh.

"I know the feeling.Lily can be very convincing when she wants.Or when she needs it" I reply with a smile on my face.

"You know she has never been in danger for even a moment, right?I would never allow anyone or anything to get close to her.I would have given and still would give my life for her.I love her as I love you"

I know he's sincere and I know I can trust him blindly.

"Thanks for being there when I wasn't there"

"Nah...don't thank me.I didn't do anything extraordinary" my friend replies with a shrug.

"Oh man you lied to Natasha, it means you really care"

We look into each other's eyes and burst out laughing.

"Yeah dude, you owe me a huge favor.Did you see that fiery glances she threw at me?This time she will kill me" Bucky replies with a chuckle.

Fuck.

I feel guilty.

"Actually there is more..." I reply scratching the back of my neck.

"She knows that I know about you two" I admit with a sigh.

Bucky looks at me with wide eyes.

"Oh c'mon man!Why?Hell hours will be waiting for me now"

I'm a little sorry for him but just a little.

"Sorry Buck, it just slipped out of my mouth"

I apologize to him.

We remain silent again.

Then Bucky turns to me.

His words exude confidence.

"We are close Steve.Right now I am sure she is fighting to find the truth.Just have a little faith in her"

"I trust her, I'm just afraid for her.I think it's normal when you love someone, right?"

Bucky claps his hand in Vibranium on my shoulder a couple of times.

"I know man, I know"

Together we walk back to the meeting room but suddenly Bucky stops and claps a hand on his forehead as if he were berating himself for forgetting something.

"I forgot I promised to give you a message"

I'm a little confused.

"Lily left me a message?"

"Yes man, she literally told me to tell you that she loves you and in one way or another she will see you again soon"

I feel a little hope inside me.

Maybe in the end she doesn't hate me.

We continue on our way and when we get to the meeting room I can't believe my eyes.

My breath catches in my throat.

Lily POV

I snap my eyes open and put my hand around my neck where the needle has penetrated my skin.

I quickly sit up and look around.

Shit.

I'm back in my room in Brookville.

Fuck!

Ok, no panic.

In the end it is not a bad thing that I am here.

Now I know where my body is and I have a chance to warn Bucky.

And Steve.

God how much I need to see Steve again.

I get up and go to the kitchen, I need a moment to rearrange my ideas and understand how to act.

I prepare a cup of hot and steaming tea, I warm my cold hands with the heat of the cup.

The golden liquid warms me to my bones.

I think about the way I dealt with all those men, how I landed them like nothing had happened.

The power of that Stone is truly unlimited.

I can't help but feel a puddle of excitement in my being, knowing that there is a high chance of being able to return to live in the real world just freaks me out.

I go back up and after a quick shower I get dressed, wearing a midnight blue knit dress and a pair of gray boots.

Now it's time to go back to New York.

From Steve.

I try to relax my muscles and clear my mind.

In no time I find myself in New York in front of Steve's apartment.

I run up the stairs and frantically knock on the door but no one comes to open it.

Shit.

Maybe I should have appeared in front of the tower.

I turn and start to leave when I bump into Sharon.

"Hi, are you here for Steve?" she asks me curiously, tilting her head slightly to the side.

Her long honey-like hair sways as she moves.

She is very beautiful.

Elegant and sensual.

I feel an abyss expanding between us.

I shake my head slightly to dismiss these troublesome thoughts, I already have enough problems at the moment.

"Yes, I just arrived and I thought I would find him at home"

She looks at me without saying anything, her gaze puts me in awe.

I look at her better.

She is wearing a white sweater and jeans that wrap her long legs perfectly.

At her feet he wears high-heeled pumps, in her hands he holds a long black coat.

"Excuse me if I dare but are you and Steve together?" Sharon asks me suddenly.

I don't know why but her question does not surprise me in fact I expected it.

I focus my gaze on her.

About many things at the moment I'm not sure in my life but I know that our love is the only certainty.

"We are in love, I love him"

She raises an eyebrow, she looks skeptical.

I understand her a little.

Sometimes I even find it hard to believe that Steve can love me.

"Well, if you say so" the blonde in front of me replies with a mocking smile.

She turns and walks towards the lift.

If first I thought she might be the right choice for Steve, now I don't think so anymore, her beauty is just an empty shell.

Inside there is no kindness and compassion but only envy and wickedness.

And Steve deserves only the best.

I call her.

I will not allow her to make fun of me and above all to put a spoke in the wheel in my relationship.

"Sharon wait" I approach her walking slowly, I stop a few steps away.

"Listen to me because I'll tell you only once"

She crosses her arms over her chest, our eyes are chained.

All the courtesy that has been between us so far has disappeared.

I start talking again.

"I know there was a flirtation between you and Steve but I want you to get it into your head that he will never come back to you"

Her gaze hardens.

"Steve and I love each other.So much.I just want to ask you to have respect for our relationship.If you don't want to do it for me, do it for him"

This time I'm the one to go away, I pass by her without looking at her.

Her voice stops me.

She is behind me but I don't turn around.

"Do you really think a man like Steve, Captain America, can settle for a little girl like you?If I were you I would not be so calm"

I clench my hands into fists, she wants to make me explode but I will not give her this satisfaction.

"Whatever Sharon"

I go away.

At a brisk pace I leave the building, my heart beats furiously in my chest.

The tears press to come out but I push them back.

I won't cry because of Sharon Carter.

I love Steve and Steve loves me.

Nothing matters.

Nobody matters.

I run through the streets of New York, pushing passersby who give me fiery glances.

I'm tired but I have to get to Avengers Tower as soon as possible.

After all, I don't know how much time I have, Doc Psychopathic might decide to wake me up at any moment.

Or he could kill me.

I run even faster, across the street and a taxi stops a millimeter from me.

The sound of his horn makes me jump.

"Excuse me" I yell as I continue to run.

I'm almost there, I see the large entrance door.

I enter like a fury, my exhausted legs push as hard as I can but my run is interrupted by a voice on my left.

I turn my head away, my lungs burn.

"Sam!Thank goodness!"

I embrace him with enthusiasm.

"Hey sweetheart, I'm glad to see you're okay"

He holds me tight in his arms.

"Bucky and Strange told us everything" the man replies.

"Strange is here?"

"Sure, they're all upstairs.Steve is here too"

As soon as I hear his name come out of Sam's lips, my heart begins to beat even more furiously.

It seems to want to get out of my chest.

"Come sweetheart, I'll take you to them" so saying Sam grabs my hand and drags me into the elevator, once inside I lean my back against the wall and with my hands on my knees I try to catch my breath.

"Are you okay Lily?"

"Yeah.Sure.Give me a moment"

I breathe deeply in search of as much oxygen as possible.

"I came running from Steve's house"

Sam laughs.

"Wow!We have a marathon runner in the team"

I too laugh at his words.

The elevator doors open.

I go out at a fast pace and head quickly to the point where I hear several voices coming from.

I don't even bother waiting for Sam but I hear his footsteps right behind me.

As soon as I approach the door of the meeting room, the only one who notices me is Stark.

"Thank goodness you are safe!" he exclaims attracting everyone's attention.

Three pairs of eyes quickly land on me but the only irises I'm really craving for aren't here.

But another man is here for me.

And it's enough for me.

I run into the room and throw myself into the arms of my father, the only man I want comfort from at this moment.

It was an instinctive gesture but I couldn't help it.

His arms are immediately around me that hold me and reassure me.

"Are you ok?" he whispers in my ear.

I can feel his heartbeat, it's accelerated.

I nod against his chest without answering.

I will tell what I have discovered but not now, I need a moment.

Then that voice.

"Honey?"

I quickly pull away from my father's chest and turn to the door.

On the threshold is Steve.

Handsome as a god, his blue eyes like a Caribbean sea are veiled with tears.

Beside him is Bucky who looks at me with eyes full of relief and a sweet smile on his lips.

Steve advances in great strides overwhelming a chair in front of him, he doesn't even care and continues on his way towards me.

I throw myself into his arms.

My hands on his chest grip his shirt between my fingers.

I burst into a liberating cry.

Steve's arms hold me so tightly that I can barely breathe but I don't care, I'm back with him at last and everything else doesn't matter.

Laundry soap, sun and leather.

The smell of his skin that I had missed so much now fills my nostrils intoxicating me.

"I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry I lied to you.Forgive me" he whispers in my ear with a trembling voice.

"I'm sorry too babe.Sorry"

His arms hold me even tighter as much as possible.

We stay like this for a few moments, then I feel his hands move to the sides of my face, his thumbs dry my tears.

I see him lowering towards me and I go towards him, getting up on tiptoe.

Our lips touch.

A sweet kiss.

Sweet as a welcome home after a hard day's work.

Sweet as the feeling of a fireplace on a stormy night.

I deepen the kiss.

My hands go up behind his neck pushing him more towards me, my lips part and our tongues caress each other sensually regardless of the audience around.

Steve's hands come down to my hips squeezing with possession and desire.

Tony Stark's amused laugh brings us back to reality.

"Ok you two, save yourself for the honeymoon.Otherwise daddy going to have a heart attack here"

So saying he gives a pat on the back of Strange.

My father can't take off his sharp, protective gaze from Steve's figure.

Perfect, we just needed this.

I see Natasha and James smiling in amusement, Doctor Banner looks a bit embarrassed.

"Dude take it easy!Your father-in-law doesn't seem to like it" Sam whispers to Steve.

Thank god no one has heard it besides the two of us.

"Oh shut up Sam" I answer, pushing him playfully.

Now I think the time has come to tell what I have discovered.

It will not be easy.

I sigh and move away from Steve's chest, he looks me in the eye as if to instill all his courage in me.

"I found out where I am" I begin point blank.

Steve at my side gasps, his fingers intertwined with mine increase the grip.

"Where?" Nat asks me.

"I am in Geneva in Switzerland. Dr. McTavish keeps me locked up and sedated in an old fortress used as a private clinic"

"Ok, we can prepare an expedition right away, how many old fortresses can there be in Geneva?It won't be difficult" Tony speaks confidently.

He and Steve exchange a meaningful look, I can see that they love each other.

"I knocked out a dozen men"

I don't know why I say that.

Maybe because I'm afraid of what the Stone has turned me into.

I look down at Steve's hand intertwined with mine.

Then I lift up my gaze to meet his eyes.

I speak without ever taking my attention away from him.

"It was completely involuntary.When all those gunmen surrounded me it was as if the Stone inside me protected my own life.A rush of power knocked everyone out"

"It's completely normal" Bruce intervenes, we all turn to him.

The doctor moves uncomfortably, he doesn't like being the center of attention.

He adjusts his glasses on his nose and continues.

"As far as Thor told us, when the Haeter, the Reality Stone, entered in Dr. Foster attacked anyone who tried to harm her.It's the Stone's way of defending itself"

"Ok.So I'm not...I'm not dangerous, am I?"

This time it's Strange who answers me.

"Absolutely not.You just have to learn to manage its power but there is time for that.We will talk about it in the future"

Steve raises our intertwined hands and kisses the back of my hand.

He turns to his friends in the room.

"I can't ask you that much so anyone who doesn't feel like taking part in this mission I don't blame you"

"I'm in" Bucky is the first to answer.

He walks up to me and grabs my hand, the one free from Steve's grasp.

"I'll be there to save your ass, again"

I roll my eyes and then smile sweetly at him.

"Count on me too" Natasha's voice rings firmly in the room.

I detach myself from the grip of the two men next to me and embrace her.

"I'm sorry I cut you off Nat" I murmur into her ear.

"Forget about it.I don't blame you"

Even if we have known each other recently, I can always count on her.

She is a good friend.

Sam turns to Steve.

"You already know that man.I'll always follow Captain America"

Bruce clears his throat.

"I...I...I'm sorry Steve but I can't.I can't risk him awakening.I'd rather help you from headquarters"

Steve nods.

"It's okay Bruce.No problem"

Poor Bruce, forced to share his existence with his alter ego.

Hulk.

From what my friends have told me it is better not to be around him when he shows up.

Tony shrugs.

"Just give me time to do an inspection and organize the trip"

Strange approaches me, puts a hand on my head.

"When you wake up I'll be by your side, count on it"

After which he exchanges a long look with Steve.

"Now I have to go" my father says turning to Tony.

"I have things to take care of.Keep me updated"

I hug him and with hands movements he opens a portal in front of him and then disappears inside.

"Capsicle I'm afraid her father doesn't like you" Tony says to Steve.

Steve rolls his eyes.

"Yeah.I know.I noticed it"

Everyone laughs including me.

"Ok now why don't we all get out of here?" Nat says to everyone present and gradually pushes them out the door.

Steve and I are left alone.

"Thanks me later, lovebirds"

The head of the redhead pokes out from the corner of the door giving us a wink.

I smile at her as Steve shakes his head.

Steve sits down in one of the large chairs around the table.

"Come here" he whispers, holding out his hand.

I grab it and sit on his lap.

His hands surround my back, stroking and massaging it.

"I missed you so much" he whispers and then kisses me.

I reciprocate his kiss, my hands wander across his chest.

I feel him tremble with pleasure, I can feel his erection pressing on my ass.

I feel a fire burning in my gut.

I move on top of him, rubbing my hips.

"Babe, be a good girl" just a warning from his lips, almost a snarl, and I feel my core ignite.

The power of his words makes my soul reverberate.

"Yes sir, I'm sorry" I whisper with my face on fire, my words come spontaneously from my lips.

His hands grab my neck, squeeze strongly.

A pain at the limit of pleasure.

His eyes are veiled with lust as if only with my words I was pushing him to the edge.

I feel him clearing his throat.

"It's okay, I'm not angry"

I kiss him again, bite his lip and then slide my tongue into his mouth.

I seek command of the situation and he gives it to me.

I place my hands at the height of his heart, I feel it beating like a fury.

I break the kiss and place my forehead against him, in this position I turn to him.

"Soon we will finally be together.Really together.And then nothing will keep me away from you, do you know this, don't you?"

I hear him smile.

"I hope so, honey"

This time he's the one kissing me.

Claim my mouth with possession, I can feel his muscular body pressing against mine with desperate urgency.

His mouth descends on my neck tracing an imaginary path with his tongue, his hands caress the contours of my breast.

A shiver runs through my spine.

"Steve?" his name comes out of my lips like a moan.

"Tell me, honey"

"I have to confess something but I'm afraid you'll be mad at me" I whisper with a breath of voice.

He immediately detaches from my body, his hands go up my face.

His bright baby blue eyes watch me full of love.

"Lily, nothing you can do could ever make me mad at you.You could even stab me and I would still love you"

I roll my eyes.

"Exaggerated"

Steve pinches my side and I laughs.

"What would you have done?" he asks me crossing his arms over his chest.

I speak keeping my eyes fixed on my hands playing with the collar of his shirt.

"I talked to Sharon"

"You what?"

I look up at him, he seems obviously amused.

A sly smile curls his beautiful lips.

"I'm serious Steve!Before I got here to the tower I came to your apartment and she was walking out the door of her house.We had a chat and before leaving she asked about the two of us.If we are a couple"

He is looking at me intently

"And what did you answer her?"

"I told her we love each other and she...and she..."

My eyes fill with tears, tears of anger at Sharon.

"Honey what happened?Did she treat you badly?"

"No" I replied in a trembling voice.

"She looked at me and she laughed at my answer, as if it were impossible.As if the idea that you can love me were absurd"

I look down.

Because even if I am sure of Steve's love, there is always that little part of me that is afraid that one day he will tire of me.

"Lily?Lily please look at me"

I feel his hand massaging the middle of my back.

"I love you.You cannot have doubts about this and you must never allow anyone to make this uncertainty grow in your heart"

"I know.In fact, I replied rudely.I'm sorry!I know that she is your friend and you are colleagues at work but I have not been able to keep silent.I told her to step aside from you, that you will never love her"

I look at the wall in front of me, I don't have the courage to meet his gaze.

Then suddenly I hear him laughing, a spontaneous laugh full of hilarity.

I turn to him, his head is thrown back with one hand resting on his chest.

He looks like the portrait of happiness.

"Did you really do it?" he asks me through the tears caused by the excess of laughter.

"Yep" I can not help but I also begin to laugh.

"C'mon Steve, he's not cute" I say.

He hugs me in response, squeezing me against his body.

"I like to know that you claim my possession.It's exciting"

"Oh my God, this is gross babe" I reply laughing.

We remain embraced for a long time.

"I'm not mad at you for what you said to Sharon.I think she deserved it.However, if that makes you feel better, I'll talk to her.Ok?"

I nod against his broad chest.

"I love you Steve.I love you and I am so afraid of what you will face because of me...that man, McTavish, is evil.Please promise me you'll be careful.That all of you will be alert.I would never forgive myself if any of you get hurt.If you get hurt"

I tell him with my voice broken with fear, my hands caressing his beautiful features.

"Don't think about it my love.Everything will be fine and we will finally be together"

"Please Steve just promise me" I beg him.

I hear him sigh.

"I promise, I'll be careful"

Another sweet kiss to seal our promises.

Please comment, share and rate ❤️

Taglist

🔥 Masterlist 🔥

@deansapplepie

#marvel #captainamerica #chrisevans #steve rogers #fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction recommendation #captain america #captain america fanfiction #captain america x oc #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x oc #chris evans fanfiction #astrallovers

0 notes

dylanmp4 · 1 year

Text

4:13 AM - 13/04/2023 “self perception”

i don’t hate myself, but that’s not to say i don’t entirely love myself either. i wouldn’t say i’m a hard person to love, but how would i know? i’ve made attempts at loving myself, it can be easy at times and hard at others. what differentiates it from being an “easy” person to love is the outwardly appearance i give conversely to the insecurities, flaws and history i know of myself. everyone tells me to separate myself from my past self but it’s not that easy. i’m still me, i still made those decisions. at times i try not to be ME. i try not to be the complete fuck up i know i am. it works— to other people atleast. i’m able to separate who i am from what other people see to the point i have a good set of friends. that’s an understatement. i have a lot of friends. not many know who i truly am inside and out, but those others still stuck around and that matters. it helps me get a grasp on myself. if they can stick around with me this long maybe i am worthy of love. no, i’m not. i can be worthy of platonic love, but when it comes to any form of dependency on me i’m not worth it. i’m never worth it. it could be my trust issues, attachment issues, commitment issues or perhaps a culmination of them all. it’s hard to tell though. do people stay around cause of ME or cause of what i give them. i’m a selfless person. it’s my personal belief that the root of being a good person is to treat others well. it doesn’t matter if i’m not being treated well, as long as others are receiving good treatment. sometimes it’s reciprocated, and that’s always a nice feeling. call me a kiss ass if you want, i don’t care. i don’t care about what many people think of me. there are few people whose opinion i care about. but still, that minority has a much greater effect on me than the “tyrannical” majority of those whose opinion i don’t care about (good or bad). it might come from a place of envy or fear. i’m not quite sure the correlation between this particular group. it ranges from my friends to people across the globe. doesn’t matter. or atleast that’s what i say when it does matter, every single fucking time. i’m done. i’m not fucking real and yet i’m still done. anger and numbness are the only ways to describe my state. i’m so fucking angry at the world for the complete roulette of destruction they’ve given me. maybe i have a victim complex, but getting groomed and raped, divorced parents, used for my body and a completely manipulative and abusive mother has a toll on someone. a lot of my personal traumas are my own fault. my marijuana addiction for example. throughout october and november there were few days i was sober. people noticed. at school when i would arrive with eye bags deeper than the mariana trench and a SCENT of marijuana people noticed. they noticed my quiet demeanor and slurred words. they even noticed my constant drowsy mood and change in attitude. noone reached out, but i don’t blame them. i would never blame them. it was a point in my life where i was so consumed with anger and hatred towards the world i was practically a ticking time bomb. i was a bad person, i AM a bad person. this strayed from the point. what i’m trying to figure out is if i deserved this. it’s not as though i was dealed an entirely bad set of cards. i’m in an upper middle class family, with minimal familial problems anymore. it’s all about relation. a common technique i use to make myself “feel better” is by minimising my issues to that of relation. there are many many many people in worse positions myself, i SHOULD feel guilty for wallowing in my own self-pity. “i need to grow up” is a constant phrase ringing in my head. it has been since around twelve. now that i think about it, i don’t. im six-fucking-teen. i should be out with friends messing around not giving a fuck about any of the issues im caring about now. who honestly cares anymore. the climate crisis is going to end us all anyways.

1 note · View note

despairmakoto · 1 year

Text

i feel like lately i've been stuck in an emotional whiplash between how happy my partner makes me and how exciting life feels now vs how haunted i am over memories and the past, and how sad they can make me, or how angry i get at myself when it feels like i am experiencing an emotion that i shouldn't ever feel (jealousy is a big one, that i know not to act on and is just a culmination of my insecurities)...

memories hurt... the good ones hurt a lot, even if i don't want to go back to life before... they still take up a massive portion of my life and I'm basically forced to remember things over and over that I just want to let go of. i don't really want to have to feel anything over them, i don't want to feel sadness or fear or anger, i just want peace. i want to live my new life and move on. it feels like it's going so slow, grieving, even though I'm past it enough to move on to better things, i still feel emotions that drag me down a lot, and experience ptsd from the trauma i developed from it all.

my partner is the kindest person i've ever met in my life, and i love them so much. they make me feel so loved and appreciated like nobody else ever has and i love them so so much, they have no idea. i don't ever want to hurt them, i never want to do anything to make them go away or feel unwanted. they are so amazing and i want to be able to stop getting emotional over the past so i can always just focus on them and the present and our future, i want to feel happy all the time. i feel good with them. i want to be with them right now. i always feel secure when I'm with them in their arms.

i want to feel better soon. the way i feel when I'm held by them, i want to feel that secure all the time.

#vent #pda

0 notes

ducknotinarow · 1 year

Note

[2k12 Rasey - pain and suffering pain and suffering uwu also, lets see how many references to fire and ice i can make xD]

The worst thing about saying something when angry, is one never truly means it. Casey had been pissed when he found out about Raphael’s attraction to Mona Lisa, and due to his own idiocy, he had snapped at his boyfriend and caused an argument between them. Being stuck on the same ship didn’t help, the two avoiding each other as much as possible. But when that anger of Casey’s melted, and he was willing to see sense, well, he regretted everything he did. He tried to talk to Raph, wanting to approach him and apologise, but he was met with a cold shoulder. Understandable, he fucked up big time after all. However, as the time trickled on and nothing progressed, when, he simply got angry again. It culminating when Casey strode right up to Raph and confronted him,

“What the fuck is yer problem?!” Casey snapped, “I’ve been tryin’ t’ talk t’ yer an’ yer keep ignorin’ me, seriously, what the fuck Raph?!”

Though he yells, the anger is from fear, it having had its time to freeze him over. Maybe Raphael actually did want out and simply hadn’t said it yet. Casey swallows the lump in his throat,

“Look, if yer don’t wanna be with me anymore, then fine, but don’t string me along an’ just say it already!”

The accusation was made, and Raph’s reaction had Casey even more confused. He shakes his head a few times, making sense of it the best he can, as he soon exclaims,

"I aint ever broken up with yer in the first place?!"

It had been a massive misunderstanding this entire time, and they both were too stupid and angry to realise it,

"Yeah I know I tol' yer t' fuck off t' be with the Lizar' lady, an' I'm sorry for that,” His voice starts to soften as he sighs out, “I didn't mean it Raph, I've been tryin' t' talk t' yer to apologise for it.”

But what good are intentions when his best friend, his boyfriend, well, maybe ex-boyfriend, was hurt. If this was the end, Casey would deal with the pain, maybe, but he really hopes this isn’t it for them. Those promises were a forever to him, even if they ended up not being a forever to Raph,

"I dunno if yer wanna be with me anymore, an' I get why yer wouldn't, an' if this is the end of our relationship then fine.”

He doesn’t want it to be the end, but he’d accept it if that’s what Raph wanted,

“...But I'd..." He can hear the tremble, Casey aware how he nearly begs, as his soft gaze meets theirs and he quietly requests, "I'd like my bes' frien' back..."

| Muse Interaction u_u it got long and I'm sorry

Sort of continuation from [ here]

They always say teens feel things ten times more than needed, that they make everything out to be more dramatic than it has to be or even is. Raphael lived up to that well always called sensitive by his brothers and ya know what maybe he was sensitive! so fucking what?! because right now? well right now Raphael felt like his heart was tearing apart, Like it was sinking far into his shell and he was letting it he didn't want his heart not when it hurt this bad. Casey broke up with him that was the truth Raphael knew it as. Told him to go fuck off with Mona Lisa. Raphael screwed up and Casey was done with him, he didn't want to be with Raphael anymore. And well could the turtle even blame them for it? For crying out loud how many times had Raphael gotten jealous over nothing because of Casey? A kiss from 1,000 years ago. Some general affection thrown their way from his team mates. Yet Casey never did what Raph did he never got a crush on another person well with Raph hell Casey didn't allow any of those kisses to happen on the ice since dating Raphael. Why did he have to go and have a crush on Mona? Casey said it himself fictional characters or celebrities were fine, not someone they know. Raph just groaned to himself and let his head slip, to rest his forhead to his knee pads.

Hiding out on the bridge of the ship, sitting in one of the pod like chairs. Despite other being on the bridge, they were leaving Raph to sulk and moan to himself. He didn't want the coddling, but being able to hear his brothers at least helped sooth the pain a bit at best. It kept him from crying. This hurt so much more than anything else he had been through. He just lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

He lost Casey. Casey wasn't his anymore, and no matter how he tried to reword it or think about that fact thinking he could just push past all the other emotions that came with heart break he couldn't. He didn't want to carry this pain in his chest it fell like a real sting right between the scutes of his plastron. Tears were being shred quite a lot, alone in his room at night. Which resulted in a lot of Raph doing whatever to stop them he didn't get to cry over this. He put himself into this mess, yeah you couldn't help a crush and Raph hadn't liked it was all superficial attraction that faded so quick after meeting Mona Lisa. His heart only beat and bleed for one person. One lanky, pale as fuck, man.

Casey.

Casey wasn't his anymore and he kept trying to tell himself that but every so often he think back on how soft their lips were, how perfect they felt against his beak. How naturally their hands slipped into a tight hold once they figured out how to work around Raph's three fingers and Casey's five. But...that was how they did everything they always just figured it out.

Left to sulk by himself, he hadn't told any of his brothers what happened. He didn't want to coddled right now. They would he knew the second he confessed they broke up they come to his side to try and help him through it. Raph didn't deserved that he messed this up..he really was fire uh? he burned and ruined everything he touched. Blinking a little when his vision started to blur from the tears clouded over his eyes. He went and wiped at his face. Far as anyone knew they just had a fight or something. No one wants to mess with a couple's spat after all. Not that they were that anymore. He sighed to himself, he wish he could forget everything about Casey it hurt to remember but at the same time he wanted to burn everything about Casey into his mind. Their gap tooth smile, hazel eyes he wanted to swim in, how warm they were when they hugged, how their kiss always left him feeling lighter than air. This break up sucked and it was worse because they were stuck in space with out any real space. Any time Casey entered a room Raph would leave it, didn't matter what was going on. If Casey looked at him he turned away. Any time they stopped on a planet they passed by Raph refused to be paired up with Casey. Always taking off with one of his brothers or April even.

At first Casey seemed to be doing the same avoiding Raphael and ya know that was fine. It helped not really because Raph kept thinking about them. How do go from loving someone so much and than just, stop? He missed Splinter a lot maybe they would have some advice sure there was a way to talk to Splinter on the ship but..that wasn't the real Splinter. Raphael lifted his head finally when he could hear foot steps entering the room he was sulking in right now. Looking over his shoulder to see Casey. Great. Lately they kept coming around trying to talk or just stay in the room with him it's why Raph kept leaving room after room. He didn't want to be alone with Casey right now..he might beg them to take him back. Yeah that was the last thing he wanted to do. Moving from his seat ready to take off but Casey wasn't letting him do it today. Striding right up to Raph he knew the look in their eyes he was here for a fight. Great was he meant to hate Casey now because they broke up? He didn't want to hate Casey. He could never hate Casey, that little squeeze of his heart rung out another gut punch to him as he was forced to face his. Well he guessed his ex. His ex he loved so much still even now.

“What the fuck is yer problem?!”

Raph just rolled his eyes and looked away from Casey, Oh gee I dunno just the casual feeling of a broke heart? He wanted to say but instead he just quirked his beak and fixed it into a thin line. Doing all he could to keep things under control.

“I’ve been tryin’ t’ talk t’ yer an’ yer keep ignorin’ me, seriously, what the fuck Raph?!”

"Ya an' I been tryin' to ignore and not talk to you!" Raph snapped back, he was always so easy to anger but Casey was really fueling his flames right now. Why? so they could have that whole official were over talk they sometimes did on tv shows? Raph was well away they weren't together anymore he didn't need the official wording on it. He just huffed and shoulder checked Casey's arm making his way out of this room being around Casey was suffocating right now.It hurt being in the same room and not being able to hold his hand, or rest against his side. Gritting his teeth as he was nearly out when Casey spoke again.

“Look, if yer don’t wanna be with me anymore, then fine, but don’t string me along an’ just say it already!”

That got to Raphael. He spun in his heels in the second. these words left Casey's mouth, as if fire was turly lit in him, one could swear there was smoke escaping from the turtle. Swinging an arm along with him as he twisted around, slamming his fist into the wall beside him. He needed to hit something so bad right now and thar sting throbing through his arm just now did little to help.

"FUCK YOU JONES!" He hollared "I get that I fucked up and screwed things between us but that don't mean ya get to fuckin' break up wit' me twice!" If eyes weren't on them before they sure were now. "I get it. I ruined it! I lost the best damn thing that has ever happened to me, and I feel that should be enough punishment without ya reminding me every chance you get!"

Man, was this what they were gonna end up being? The broken up couple that hated each other and always fought? Part of what kept Raph from falling falling apart was at least the hope of salvaging their friendship. But that might be off the table. He watched curiously as Casey wore a confused expression. Okay? Werid. The turtle had expected them to yell back or claim he had every right to break up with Raphael as much as he wanted, so it was made clear. Instead, they shook their head and finally pointed out something to him.

"I aint ever broken up with yer in the first place?!"

Raph just rolled hos eyes ph here it comes he thought. Far to angry to relieaze what Casey actually meant. Taking it as now this was the official break up between them. Great. He looked down at his feet he didn't need to relive that pain of his heart getting shattered like the time Casey first had him try hitting a puck on the streets back home. He swung so hard that the suckered completely destroyed the glass window of the store they were next to.

"Yeah I know I tol' yer t' fuck off t' be with the Lizar' lady, an' I'm sorry for that,”

He's sorry? Eyes slowly lifted from the floor but he kept his head down as he glanced back at Casey. Looking at them hurt to much right now, because...all Raphael wanted to do was to have them back.

“I didn't mean it Raph, I've been tryin' t' talk t' yer to apologise for it.”

"...you didnt?" Raph's voice was nothing but a wishers as he asked, lifting up his head to look at Casey proper now.

"wait we aren't you didn't?" He followed up with because he had been so sure that was what happened between them. When Casey got pissed off and told him to fuck of with Mona after they saw her again. Raph was so sure that was it.

"I dunno if yer wanna be with me anymore, an' I get why yer wouldn't, an' if this is the end of our relationship then fine.”

Raph eased his stance and lowered his hand away from the wall. Green eyes were fully on Casey. No one else in this room mattered only them. They was the slightest flutter of his heart in his chest right now. This small thread of hope was working to stitch things back together inside of him. They never broke up? There was never a separation between them? It was just some stupid couples spat? Casey was still his Casey? Of course, Raphael was listening as they spoke, but he was also starting to repair the thoughts from the past few days. Raphael prided himself in knkw and understanding Casey's anger. When they were just covering up their pain and such. Rapj just had never been the receiver of Casey's icy cold glare or chilling tone when they yelled at him. Maybe that's why he missed it.

Fuck.

He did always have a but if issue when it came to straightforward thinking.

“...But I'd..."

There is a tremble in Casey's voice. Raph knew their voice so well, from all the times he nuzzled in against their neck well they spoke. It was usually so confident, never a waver like this. When Casey seemed ready to plea just now.

"I'd like my bes' frien' back..."

Casey.

"Fuck that!" Raph snapped out his tone trembled and and his voice cracked as he uttered the words just now. "Ya want him so bad then-" crouching down slightly, bearing his teeth and in a split second he ran. He ran right for Casey, lugging at them at full speed near throwing the whole of his weight right into Casey. Arms finding their way around their mid section holding on to them for dear life as fringers curled and gripped tightly on to Casey's hoodie. "Best catch 'em" he said ina. Obviously solving tone.

He stayed like this for a good while face buried in against Casey's chest thw past few days had be a complete disaster for the turtle. He spent thise days thinking he ans Casey were over. He let them slip between his fringers but the second he knew that wasn't the truth? Damn right he had grabbed on and held Casey tight. He was never going to let Casey slip through his hold again. He swore to himself as he soaked in thier warmth, ignoring any complaints of toppling them over right now if there was any being made right now Raph was just caught up in pure relief and bliss. Before finally pulling up and away from Casey so he could look at thier face.

Eyes brimming full of tears as he moved to look down at them, laughing slightly even when tears spilled out and landed on to Casey's face. He took hold of it between his fringer, gently stroking thumbs over their face. "Like he'll I'd ever let that 'appen!" He states before leaning down and nuzzling his face in aginst Casey's own. Sneeking in a kiss here and there, to thier nose. Thier forhead, the space between thoer eyes, their temple thier nose anywhere litterly anyway. No fucks given to the audience they had right now watching Raph so openly love on Casey. Because as far as he was concerned he had lost Casey and he was just lucky to have them back.

"Fuck no! Never! Not a fuckin' chance in hell man." Was his way of saying he didn't wanna break up. "I love you, you major idiot! Everything about you! That gap in your teeth." He set a kiss to the corner of thier mouth. "Your deep hazel eyes, obsessed with 'em" placing another kiss to the corner of Vasey left eye "the scar on your eye brow" he kissed there next. "The way you talk tje stupid thing you say. That fuckin' laugh of yours. When you score a goal in hockey, how you skid across the ice. When ya yell that stupid catch phase of yours. Googagla." He voice was still a sob but it nothing but pure love coming out of his beak right now. He refused to let go of them after days of not being allowed to do so much as this with Casey. "I love that you wrote poetry, I love that you don't give a fuck when Angel painted your nails, I love your degenerate monster fucking whore ass, and I swear soon as we get everything fixed imma find the biggest fuckin' billboard and tag it to show that Raphael loves Casey Jones." Raoh ranted on but could he be blamed? It was the high of a mix of emotions an explosion of affection and love he thought he never get to express again. Yeah he was gonna get shot for all of this.

Gently headbutting casey as he kept hold of their face. Working to relax and come down a little. He'd been through a roller coaste rof emotions and everything was just rushing to the top now coming out in tears and laughing. Things he never would tell Casey before because he knows they would tease him for it. He knew once thing settled down they would again and Raphael couldn't wait for that. Fuck he even looked forward to being called princess.

"So no fuckin' way Jones are you getting rid of me! Not now not ever. Not even death I'll fuckin' haunt your ass Jones." He threatens a bit before finally opening his eyes looking into Casey's eyes best he could through his tears. His heart felt so warm again.

"Case, I'll love you forever and always. your my forever and my always. My soul mate and if you'll let me I'll be yours too case." He says softly between the smallest bit of churrs that started to work out of him. He always believed they were soulmates he never deared to say it out loud. Leaning in to press a kiss to Casey's lips, holding it long as he could before break it nuzzling against thier face not wanting to lose the closeness as he spoke against thier lips. "I aint losing you again Casey."

#muse| hamato rapheal #aflockoffeathers #madamkezzie #[ if you jump off a bridge its only cause i did first aflockoffeathers]#muse interacction #ic reply #((im pretty sure they saw mona only twice in season 4 maybe 3 times so im just saying this was a sepearte argument between them uwu))

1 note · View note

childofthesmoke · 3 years

Text

Hi! Dimi here. Long time no see 😅

I know I’ve been away for a long time (my last 2 posts were from the beginning of 2019 and the one before that is from August 2018...), so it’s very likely that almost none of 300+ of you remembers me, but tumblr still stays the only site where I’ve managed to get over 100 followers and actually socialize with people. And post things and be really active and share my thoughts and stuff...

So my blog feels like the only place I’ve truly tried to “be myself” and actually let people “see” me. I usually just observe when I’m online and feel too shy to bring attention to myself, but a couple of years ago I did it for a few years on here and it was fun.

I had my reasons for leaving and I still don’t feel like getting sucked back in like I was before (nor do I think it’s possible anyway), but I want to use this place to at least advertize my current activities/projects. This is the only place online where I feel like I have actually connected with people who have become my supporters and viewers in a way... So it feels logical to reach out to those people when I’m trying to find people who might like my work and be interested in becoming my viewer/subscriber/follower.

I’m planning to update this place (my blog description, make life update posts etc. possibly changing the profile picture as well, idk). But for now I just wanted to drop by to say hi and also inform you that I started an art channel on youtube.

Here’s the link if you want to check it out:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwin5tljpzS8Fu1r4WErJ5w

I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone and draw more as well as generally put myself out there more. I’ve had an interest in running a youtube channel for about 10 years now and during the years I’ve made a few attepts, but quickly gave up. (but this is my first art one)

This time I’m trying hard to learn to be braver and fight my fears and insecurities, by facing them and doing the things “I would do if I wasn’t scared”. It’s going well so far 😅

Anyways, I guess I’ll probably write again soon, so... See you later? :)

#so far on the channel there are only 4 videos which are speedpaints #with my commentary as a voiceover #but I have idea for doing other things too #and I'm really curious to see how far I could develop this if I don't give up #and just keep going #the idea of realising my potential and giving myself the chance to really try #and seeing where that could lead me #has been on my mind a lot lately #and all the years of unsatisfaction for giving in to my fears #and quitting and beating myself up mentally #have culminated into me getting so angry at my fears for making me feel #restricted and trapped #that I've kind of started a metaphoric war against them #even the video I uploaded to day is a great example of this #when I finished the drawing I thought it SUCKED #but I posted it anyway #because F my fears and insecurities #*ideaS #it can't be a post of mine if I don't make a typo in the tags *sigh*#I know there are more but it feels redundant to try to fix them this way #so this is the end of the tags #if you read all this #thanks #you're a real one ✊

4 notes · View notes

witch-hazels-musings · 3 years

Text

nightmares

Includes: Childe, Albedo, Xiao

Warnings -> STRONG emotional images (panic attack, spectral hands grasping at character, feeling of overwhelming fear and dread) -> leads to comfort

Synopsis: Nightmares plague the characters sleep and they wake up startled - the reader comforts them

I’m a SUCKER for painful things man - I want to put them through hell just to pull them back up again ...

Anthology

Childe

He was drowning, suffocating by the thousands of hands pulling him deeper into the terrifying darkness he ran from. Their nails dug into his skin, pulling it back to reveal the horrors laying underneath. The thousands of vile acts he had done in service of the Tsaritsa, for the Fatui, now pouring from him and feeding the hunger of the hands, urging them to dig deeper into him until there was nothing left.

He reached out toward the distant light, gasping and desperate.

Childe...

The light called to him, speaking his name as if he were worth more than being a simple tool, a means to an end. The dirty hands grabbed at his face, he struggled with every ounce of his strength to get away. The fear of seeing what lay beyond the reach of the light spurring his determination. He screamed and nothing came out, instead his mouth filled with bloody fingers.

Childe violently awoke, lurching forward with incredible force and urgency. He was drenched in sweat and fiercely forced air into his lungs. When he felt a hand on his arm he jerked away stumbling from the bed in heartbreaking distress.

“Childe …” he heard your voice, saw your hand reaching out to him, saw how you looked at him as if he were some wild animal: fearfully. “It’s me … do you see me.” he watched as you moved the sheets from your legs. “You’re safe, it’s okay.” you moved toward the edge of the bed, “Put the knife down.” He looked down into his hand and saw he was gripping onto the knife which he kept in the nightstand. His fingers wrapped so tightly around it that they had turned a painful shade of white.

The beating of his heart continued to race even as he straightened himself out, even as he rubbed the sweat from his forehead.

“I’m okay …” he spoke the words more to himself than to you, like a montra he recited every day. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.

He heard the bed creak and, returning his attention to you, he saw you making your way toward him, hands open in an attempt to show him you didn’t mean any harm.

“Is it okay? Can I come to you?” the words are covered in honey, and he knew you were trying to cover up the hesitation of your steps. He placed the knife on the windowsill and nodded, making sure you knew he wouldn’t hurt you.

The feeling of your arms wrapping around him was akin to a drug. You provided him with comfort he’d never known, the sensation of your face resting against his chest, he reveled in it. Your voice had this magical power of reaching him no matter where he was, or what he was.

“Your heart is beating so fast. That must have been one intense dream.” your lips connect with the space over his beating heart.

“You can’t imagine,” he breathes into your hair, resting his face in it’s wild locks. He lets your scent fill him up, and this connection helps to calm him.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” you shift your head making him lift his own, you stare at one another in the moonlit room before he finally answers your question.

“I don’t want to make my fears your own,” he places a kiss on your forehead.

“I’m pretty tough, I can handle it.” you squeeze your arms around him in a playful manner which elicited a chuckle from Childe. “But, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’ll always listen, if you ever change your mind.”

His heart rate slowed, thanks to the proximity of your own giving it the ability to match it’s pace.

“Thanks,” He scooped you up and led you back to the bed, and once you got settled in between the sheets he slid down to rest his head against your chest. There he was able to drift back into a peaceful sleep by the rhythmic thumping of your heart and the movement of your fingers in his hair.

Albedo

There was a long hallway, incredibly long, unending. His footsteps echoed off the walls and when he glanced upward he couldn’t find the ceiling. A child was laughing further down the passage, and he followed after it until he reached a blinding light, without hesitation he stepped through it.

On the other side was a bustling city filled with laughing citizens weaving between one another, going about their day under the warmth of the sun. As he walked through the streets, he noted how the citizens didn’t seem to mind him. A woman stumbled before him and he reached out his hand to help her, when she turned to thank him her face contorted into uncomfortable, inhumane shapes. She screamed causing Albedo to stumble backwards and, in unison, every citizen stared at him, their mouths open, screaming. Their voices culminated into an unholy sound which unraveled his soul.

Suddenly, shackles appeared around his wrists, his ankles, his neck. Their icy touch seeping into his skin. When he touched them the screaming only grew louder which caused him to cover his ears, tears falling from his eyes onto the stones below, which were now covered in snow. He looked up and saw burning buildings. Screaming families desperately trying to hold onto their children as the walls crumbled around them. He looked onward, and without warning the ground beneath him opened up and swallowed him whole.

Albedo, in a hysterical fit, pushed himself off of his chest and onto his knees. His arms extended to keep him from the mattress and he watched how it became damp from the sweat dripping off of him. His heart was beating way too fast, he couldn’t breath, his chest felt tight and it began to make him panic.

“Albedo?” a voice called to him, but the beating in his ears made it impossible to hear. He felt a hand slide along his back and it caused him to sit up suddenly, smacking the hand away from him. When his eyes saw you in the darkness he wondered what face he must be making based on the way you looked at him.

“Albedo …” you called again. He grasped at his chest hoping he could find a way to pull the invisible weight off of him. His breathing still erratic. “Hey, look at me.” you told him, and when he looked at you he saw you were now sitting closer to him, your hand extended to his chest. The warmth of your fingers broke through the chill smothering his body and he watched as you pulled his hand to your chest.

“Do you feel my heartbeat? Feel my breathing.” and he did. The even in and out of your chest, the steady thump of your heartbeat. He felt them. “That’s it, match my rhythm.” You placed your other hand on his shoulder, which provided him another way to ground himself. The images started to fade from his mind and were replaced by the outline of your frame, illuminated by the soft light from the bedside table.

You looked at him and gave him a warm smile. “Keep breathing, I’m here.” You stroke his face and that’s when he learns he had been crying. He pressed his face into your palm, breathing in the sweet smell of your skin. “I’m here, and I’ll be here until you’re ready to sleep again.”

You stayed with him even as the sun started to fill your room and birds chirped out morning salutations.

Xiao

An epic battle raged around him, the sounds of victorious and pained screams mixing with the clashing of swords and heavy claymores. He was running quickly through the mass of bodies thrusting and flying through the air. His mind focused and clear, it had to be if they were expected to win.

To his left he saw the flash of red fabric, to his right he heard the booming voice of another and when he found the source he smiled to himself. It seemed that even through all of this the yaksha’s were able to relish and live. He felt his heart move at their elegant movements, how they used the strength of one another to quell the mania of the world. Xiao continued to run, his movements turning into a blur at the speed. In fact, he ran so fast that time seemed to move with him until he came skidding to a stop in an open field.

He looked behind him confused as to how he got here, wondering if he had passed through some portal or door. He was alerted to a shriek and turned forward only to feel a sharp stabbing sensation pierce his chest. It propelled him backwards and as he fell, red strings claimed him. They wrapped around him, completely enveloping him and held him suspended. Again, there was a shriek. He turned his head and wished that he hadn’t. He saw the face of his kin pleading and begging to another before being struck down violently. Their body ripping in half before him. The yaksha decorated in purple garments turned and with a great thrust of their weapon impaled another. Xiao watched as their body, bathed in blue light, went limp and with the flick of the wrist were tossed into oblivion.

Xiao writhed and pulled at the strings capturing his limbs, he spat and yelled but couldn’t escape. His head shook violently, unable to deal with the scene in front of him, and unable to do anything to stop it. He closed his eyes letting his angry tears drop into the black water slowly rising over his body.

“Xiao,” a voice called out and when he opened his eyes he saw the dangling bodies of his yaksha family impaled against the nothingness which drowned him.

He awoke in a fit. He felt the scream spill from his throat as he lurched upward. Around him things began to fall to the floor, toppling back to the ground as if a huge gust of wind had picked everything up all at once. Before his eyes a piece of paper fluttered past him before slipping under the trunk next to the window. Something touched his shoulder and in a second he had the perpetrator in a tight hold, one hand viciously wrapped around their wrist and the other gripping onto an arm.

“It’s me, it’s me!” his eyes were clouded, but he knew the voice. “Come back … it’s me.” The breath in his lungs was hot, almost as if he had been standing next to an active volcano. His mouth was heaving in an attempt to grasp back to reality, to still his overworked mind. The sound of humming filled the room, it’s soft, slow tone pulling him in. He focused on it, taking the tune in as if it were a lifeline, the only light in the dark space which surrounded him. After a bit, his eyesight began to clear and when he saw you, eyes closed humming to him, and his hand digging into your wrist he quickly let go.

“You’re back,” you whisper, sending him a soft, ‘i’m relieved’ smile.

He crawled off of the bed and made his way to the window, desperately in need for some fresh air, and an escape.

“Whatever you saw in your dream, must have been very frightening.” your voice stilled his movements. “I’ll be here when you decide to come back,” he looks back at you, your legs crossed, hands resting in the blanket. The moonlight illuminates the space there, casting white shadows along your chest and face. You look like an ethereal being in this moment, and there is a call in his chest to return to you.

His heart is still so heavy, and even though his breath has returned to a normal state, buzzing energy continues running through his veins. He looks at your wrist and can see a bruise beginning to form. He can’t risk letting his energy out with you near him, it’s too dangerous. Even though he feels the stab in his chest, he slips out the window and into the night sky.

In the morning when you wake up you find qingxin flowers resting on the table next to the bed. You lift them and inhale their scent.

“How did you sleep?” you turn to see Xiao perched in the window, his eyes downcast.

“Alright,” you sniff the flowers again, “you came back.”

He huffs at you and looks back out the window. His back resting against the windowsill, one leg bent so he can rest his arm on it, the other dangling over the edge. Sliding out of the bed you make your way over to him, taking up the space at his side. He looks at you and you can see he is looking at the bruise on your wrist. Placing his head in his palm he reaches down and grabs onto your wrist with the other. His fingers brush over the darkening skin.

“Welcome back.” you whisper into the wind.

#genshin impact #genshin impact musings #genshin impact fiction #genshin impact X reader #childe X reader #genshin childe #childe #albedo x reader #genshin albedo #albedo #xiao x reader #genshin xiao #xiao

2K notes · View notes

harcove · 3 years

Note

you uh. wouldn't mind an angst request would you haha because I have had this one scenario stuck in my head where leon (probably resi 6 leon) has been drinking a lot more and has been neglecting his s/o and they finally call him out on his shit

anyway ooga booga they fight and decide it's best they give leon his space and take a break and maybe he finds them at a bar he goes to to get wasted to already find them drunk off their ass

Angst is absolutely one of my most favourite things to write and to read like damn I do be out here making myself CRY. So I definitely don't mind angst like hell yeah!

I was gonna end this was a happier note- but uh, I really love angst so I left it semi-open ended but also pretty sad I think. Also not really dialogue-heavy, more like... I write too much detail-heavy :,) Also this isn't edited, I spent days on this cause I was overthinking it and felt it was just not good so oof I'm sorry!

Length: 2k

Request: in the ask

Warnings: angst, drinking, lowkey it's alcoholism on Leon's part, being drunk

Leon x Reader - "I know."

How long had it been since you had held your boyfriend's hand? Since the two of you had really sat together and done something together, fully, completely, involved, and focused on one another. You didn't even remember, which was agonizing to think about.

You had been through so much with Leon. And you knew where his deepest thought lay, but you could never truly know. And it didn't help that over the years the two of you had together, he had started to become more distant. And instead of finding his comfort in your arms, he found it in some glass bottle.

At first, you didn't really protest much, you didn't say much about it. A drink every once in a while couldn't hurt. Yet, it wasn't every once in a while. It was more often than you'd have liked. And he was using it to forget. To focus on anything else but his life and his memories. Your soft words trying to talk to him didn't do much to stop him or dissuade him. He brushed you off more often than not. It tore you up from the inside out that you couldn't help him, that at some point a bottle was his chosen form of comfort over you.

The guilt mixed with sadness, and then with anger. And in the end, those feelings came together and created an explosion between the two of you one night.

Your throat was hoarse as you swallowed as much air as you could. You couldn't exactly remember what the argument stemmed from but you knew it had to be related to him drinking.

"Will you just listen to me?!" You shouted, the words coming out uneven as your throat begged you to stop, "put that shit down Leon, and look at me!"

The man sitting at the aisle in your kitchen put the flask he had down in front of him, but still had his hands on it. He turned his head to look at you, barely even moving at all, and his eyes were looking at you like he was unimpressed or annoyed.

"I'm listening."

You wanted to pull on your hair and scream because he wasn't. He wasn't listening, and he hadn't been, at least not for a while.

"No you aren't, you are not listening to a word I say, you never do!"

He scoffed, turning back to his drink and taking another sip.

"Where am I going on Friday?"

"What?" He looked at you incredulously, completely lost as your voice went from yelling at him to speaking relatively peacefully, but there was no peace in your voice.

"I said, where am I going on Friday, Leon," you repeated with clenched fists, "if you listen to me if you even bother to pay attention to me, you would know the answer. So where am I going on Friday?"

The silence was your answer, as you expected it to be, you just hadn't expected it to be so painful.

"I'm going to visit my family in the town over," your voice was low and tired, and you wanted to cry but you couldn't even find it in you to do that, "I told you that a thousand times Leon I..."

Biting your lip hard, you felt yourself break skin, and the metallic taste of blood invaded your taste buds. You were so angry at him moments before, angry enough you had been yelling. But suddenly you weren't angry anymore. You were just so sad; sad for yourself and sad for him. He wasn't going to listen to you, not right now, that much was clear.

"I've been busy Y/N-" whatever he said was wasted on deaf ears as you drowned them out unintentionally, your eyes trained on the flask he nursed.

For once, you knew you had to let it be. You had to give him space, and give yourself space.

"I'm sleeping in the guest room," you offered lamely after the long silence between the two of you after he had finished whatever he had said. Leon looked up at you, with a look of surprise, and confusion, "we both need space. From each other. I just... Don't stay up drinking all night."

"Y/N-" his words once again fell upon deaf ears, and his fingers just missed your arm as you turned and went upstairs to the room usually used by people like Claire, or Chris, sometimes Sherry.

When morning came, you had gotten up later than usual, Leon was already gone as he usually was early in the morning with his job and everything. Your heart felt heavier as you walked into the empty kitchen and noted the vodka bottle you two had been given as a gift was half empty. Something in you asked if it was all worth it; did it really do so much that he drank more than he should've? Did it take away the feelings of hopelessness, like the one you were currently stuck in?

Those were the thoughts that followed you the entire day as you went about your routine. They followed you all the way to the spare bedroom of one of your old friend's homes as you decided you and Leon needed to take a break. If you didn't do that, you feared you would only lose him completely. Or lose yourself. It was exhausting.

But what was even more exhausting was not seeing him. You worried for him, and even if you sometimes felt like he didn't, he worried for you.

It would take about a week before something would crack, before the storm that had been brewing between you two, the one that laid dormant after you walked out to take from your relationship, would begin to thunder again, but in a much different way.

"We're here to have fun," your friend who had been letting you stay over said as she pushed a shot of... something into your hands, leaning against the bar from your side while you said on one of the barstools, "and loosen up. You specifically."

You rolled your eyes; this wasn't in your plan for the day, going to a bar. But it was more than you had done in the past week now. Your routine consisted of going to work and heading back to your friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

You wanted Leon. But you couldn't have him right now. You were still upset, and you didn't even know if he wanted you right now. Everything was a mess.

Things seemed to blur together over the course of the night in the bar, your friend insisting on you trying each new drink she got, some not new too. You had had one drink that you ordered of your own volition, and it had been a regular bottle of beer. But the shots your friend got for you two, and the sips of the drinks your friend ordered, culminated into more than you realized and you could say you were a bit more than just tipsy.

For some reason though, your friend seemed to be chugging along much better than you, you must've been a lightweight.

You hadn't even seen your friend in a while, but you also were so out of it that you couldn't exactly comprehend time properly at that current moment in time.

A hand on your arm and a familiar voice seemed to sober you a bit as your eyes met familiar blue, but they were clouded over with pain, with worry. Confusion too, and a bit of shock. Your fingers twitched, aching to touch his arm. His face. To smooth the furrow that seemed to be etching itself into his brow, threatening to become a new and permanent feature.

But the sober feeling you experienced also stopped you from doing any of the above. Rather, your body stiffened a bit and you pulled away from his touch, only barely missing the look of hurt that glided over his features as you did so.

"L-Leon?" the alcohol in your system made it sound more like you were questioning if he was real rather than saying his name, "What are you-"

The question you were going to ask didn't even need to be finished. It didn't even need an answer from him, because even if you were drunk, you knew Leon. And you knew why he was there.

"Oh," you couldn't help but scoff, "you want my drink? It'll start you off-"

Leon wasn't going to pretend that he hadn't come to the bar to drink away his sorrows; to forget all the pain he held onto and the nightmares he couldn't escape, and now the pain of not having you around. But when he walked in and saw you? Something in him stopped. Something in him twisted and he felt nauseous and for once it wasn't because of a hangover, but it was because of you.

You looked so miserable. Not that you realized you were wearing your heart on your sleeve at the bar, with the dejected look on your face and the limp hand holding onto a beverage you clearly didn't enjoy. Whilst at the same time, you looked empty.

Is that what you saw? Is that what he looked like to you when he was drinking? When he was at home or at a bar, focusing on anything but reality?

Leon didn't want a drink anymore, he wanted to get you out of a place that didn't suit you whatsoever. He wanted to take you home, he didn't want you to be him.

"You didn't come here alone, did you?" He cut off whatever you were trying to say as he looked into your eyes sternly.

"What? N-no I'm not stupid... I came here with a friend."

It didn't take long for Leon to figure out the friend because he spotted her coming near the bar, and recognized her.

"Hey, I'm taking Y/N home," Leon tried to not sound aggressive when he spoke, but it may have only made him sound more upset.

"Leon? Oh, ya, of course. Are you two...?"

"We'll be fine," Leon replied as he helped you stand up, "thanks for being with them."

He hadn't just meant in the bar but in the past week. It was left unsaid, but it was laid bare.

As much as you wanted to pull away from the man who gently wrapped one of his strong arms around your waist, and used the other to hold your arm behind his neck, you couldn't. You didn't have the strength to, and you missed him.

Leon was glad he had taken the car and not his motorcycle. There was no way in hell he would've been able to keep you on a motorcycle all the way back to your home that you shared, or well, you hadn't for the past week. But that wasn't the point.

"You're so mean Leon..." you mumbled as he helped you get into the passenger seat of the car. He all but carried you into it like a child and leaned across you to put your seat belt on. You leaned your face into his neck as he did so, breathing deeply.

"I just... Want you to be happy," you continued sloppily, "but you won't... Let me in..."

Leon's breathing stopped for a moment as he stilled, his hand still on the seatbelt he had just finished putting you in. He quickly pulled himself together and pulled back, adjusting the belt on your body so it wasn't digging into your lazy form, but it was still doing its job.

"I know."

There was so much more he could say, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure if he ever could.

He settled himself into the driver's seat and got ready to start the car up.

"I still love you though..." your words were slurred as you rested your head on the car window, feeling your eyes grow heavier.

"I..." Leon's hand was turning white at the knuckles from how hard he was holding the steering wheel. He didn't deserve you. And you didn't deserve this.

"I know..."

400 notes · View notes