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vemuabhi · 3 years

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ITS OKAY TO TAKE A BREAK

Stressed Reader Comfort!

Hello!!! I am so happy you requested my dear! I am so happy to write for you. Please drink water and take care of yourself. I know it’s a hard time. But don’t lose hope and don’t let stress eat you up. You are loved and you are needed.

Pairing : Sanji X Reader

Word count : 2.2K

Warnings : Not proof read, Stress, insomnia, Hurt then comfort and a very adorable Sanji

Sanji post Tagging : @ye-rin164

Assignment after assignment. Projects, seminars and exams. Forget about dates, you are not even having time to sleep properly since the last month. Still you stayed up many nights writing all the assignments. Researching stuff needed for the seminars. Memorising all the chapters from all the subjects. Praying to get good credits every time. Even sleeping for those 3 hours a day seemed so stressful because of your piled up assignments, which your teachers just dumped on you mercilessly.

Slowly because of lack of sleep and hectic works, dark circles were visible clearly under your eyes. Headaches became regular now. You weren’t able to focus on things properly. You just… tried to go along with the flow of day. Anything you ate tasted bland making you to loose appetite. All you now wanted was a day to just… rest.

Ignoring the good morning and good night messages from a certain someone made you feel guilty. But because of work, you couldn’t even catch a break. Yes… stress was building up in you.

Researching and taking print outs for the next “group” seminar made you work even harder. Yeah as you know how there is at least one person in the group who doesn’t even attempt to do work. Now you had FREAKING two of them in your 5 member’s team. Guess what happened. You three had to now share the burden of the remaining work.

‘Good thing Sanji isn’t here to see how much of a mess I am right now’, you thought sipping your caffeine. You felt lucky that you were at least getting time to take a quick shower every day.

On the other hand, Sanji knew. He knew how terrible your work was getting, making you to give him a single reply every two days, letting him know you were alive. If you didn’t give him that reply, he’d have gotten a panic attack on how you were. No regular messages, no dates, no video calls, not a single god damn normal call. He was really getting worried. But he stayed patient.

Nami and Robin chan suggested him to go and meet you, but he thought if he went, he’d be a problem to you for not letting you finish your work. His heart was earning to see you. To hug you. To make you something to eat. To just… be with you.

As days passed, you were getting more and more annoyed and you started to have breakouts for almost everything and nothing. Even the smallest things were making you cry. Like once You even cried as you saw a small puppy outside your apartment.

You hated to cry. But because of this pressure you couldn’t even control your emotions. You felt like you were losing yourself.

At Sanji’s house, he and Zoro were doing dishes but Sanji couldn’t help but to worry about you.

“Its just a gut feeling but I cant help but to worry”, Sanji sighed.

“If you feel like shit, why not just go to her place?”, asked Zoro

“Tsk, Its not that easy. What if I interrupt her?”, replied Sanji washing his hands after giving the last plate to Zoro.

The green haired man took the plate and placed it into the shelf. He sighed and said, “Look cook. It’s okay to go and check on her once a while, If you are worried. Maybe she needs you too”

Sanji never thought of that. He was always insecure and felt that he might disturb you if he met you. But this gut feeling of his was telling him to atleast go and see you.

“In 5 minutes, I’m leaving”, the blond told his roommate before going into his room. Zoro just smirked before closing the shef door.

You sat in the corner of the room. Your books were still open and you knew you were supposed to study. Then… the negative thoughts hit you. Your brain wanted to play some tricks on you. And it chose this freaking time to do that.

‘Yeah… you are not gonna get good grades even if you do this’

‘Sanji is so hardworking. He’d be so disappointed to have a person like you as his lover’

‘All your assignments are worthless, stop giving yourself enough credit’, you looked into your mirror.

Tears slid down your face. You looked terrible. With messy hair, unwashed clothes, dirty room. You wanted to tear the place down. You were so hurt and pressured.

*Ring*

Your train of thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. You wiped your tears quickly and stumbled as you made your way towards the main door. You swung open the door and your (eye colour) orbs met the all blue orbs. The golden hair smoothly covered one of his eye. His smile brightly as seeing you.

“Aish! Y/N, how many time have I told you to check before opening the do-”, He didn’t even complete his sentence and you ran into his arms, tightly embracing him, making him to take a step back.

He instantly knew something was wrong with the way to you hugged him. He wrapped his arms around your body. You started to cry as he hugged you.

“Sanji… I… I can’t… I hate this. I don’t like this”, you whimpered between your sobs. He soothingly rubbed the back of your head.

Without breaking the hug, he pulled you inside the house and locked the door. Leaning his back on the door, with still you hugging him, he pulled you even closer. He patted your back while you buried your head in the crook of his neck.

“Y/N, look at me dear”, he asked and you slowly looked at him. His expression from worry turned to one of a sad one.

“I missed you so much”, you cried even more looking at him.

“Shhh~~ Y/N, I’m here. Please don’t cry. This hardship will pass away. Don’t let the stress eat you up”, he kissed your forehead as he calmly whispered into your ear.

Actually Sanji was also so hurt because of your situation. But if he wasn’t strong, who would encourage you.

Soothing your tears away, he kissed your eyes.

“I am sorry. I look horrible”, you sniffed and damn yes, he was not happy by the way you said it.

“Don’t ever say that. You are the most amazing and hardworking person. Give yourself a bit more credit”, he shook your shoulders as he said that.

“Listen here, you are tired, but you are still very much beautiful. All you need is a good night sleep”, he said as he pulled you towards your bedroom.

The bed was a mess. Books, papers, laptop, stationary on it. You felt embarrassed as Sanji saw you in your worst state.

“Sorry Sanji for making you see this”, you said as Sanji just made his way into the room and started to quickly clean the bed.

“You are apologising way too much Y/N. If I didn’t support you now, I shouldn’t even call myself your friend let alone your boyfriend”, he said.

Within minutes, he cleared everything up. You went towards the table to continue your work, but then, you felt your wrist being grabbed.

You looked at him and he looked at you with worried eyes.

“Y/N, I never said you should now write your paper”, he said sternly. Even though his voice was deep, his eyes showed worry.

“But I should complete it”, you said but he was quick to pull you towards him. He lifted you up with grace and walked towards the bed swiftly and plopped you on it. You couldn’t even protest because of how quickly it happened.

You tried to get up but then he decided to jump on you and cuddle you. You chuckled at how he behaved like a small child. When he heard your laugh he looked up to you, his head still placed on your chest. Oh how much he wanted to hear that laugh of yours. But you yourself didn’t knew when you fell asleep. As Sanji was looking while you laughed, you almost immediately fell asleep.

He smiled at you as you slept. He woke up and went towards your desk and sat on the chair.

Looking at the assignment that you should start, he analysed what you wrote in the roughly at the side. He took your phone and placed his thumb on the finger print scanner. Yes of course, you guys are having the healthiest relationship. He went towards the pdf of the assignment due dates and found the assignment you were working on. And damn he got angry at how many assignments you were given. The one you were working on was to be submitted the day after tomorrow.

‘Damn… no wonder Y/N had to stay up most of the night for these’, he thought as he called one of the smartest people he knew. No… it wasn’t Luffy. He has the devils Luck to pass his exams.

“Hey Robin chan! This is Sanji”, he said as he looked at the assignment.

“Hi Sanji. What happened?”, she inquired

“Robin chan, I actually need some help”, he started to ask about the assignment and how to collect the required information related to it.

Robin chan understood the situation and started to explain.

“So Sanji, Don’t waste your time searching all the websites. Just go to the websites I told you and you can see almost every possible explanation required to you”

Sanji searched on the laptop as he placed the phone between his shoulder and ear. The un-lit cigarette was dangling between his lips. The habbit of having it made him focus on things even more. But he ofcourse didn’t want to light it and make you wake up from its smell. And for gods sake, it was your divine room. He would never light a cigarette here. Soon he could see the information required to your assignment.

“Oh yes! I got it Robin chan! Thanks for your help”, he thanked her and they both ended the call after the exchanging a few more casual talks.

He looked at some other sites Robin mentioned and found everything that you required for writing this assignment. He actually wanted to write for you but, he knows that you’d feel guilty if he wrote it. So he just searched it for you. Then looked at another assignment which was the next one you had to submit in 5 days from now. So, he started to search for it and found the required information. He looked at the time and noticed that, it was already 2 in the morning. He didn’t even knew how the time passed while he searched for the information.

Sanji stretched his arms and stood up. He walked towards the bad, where you were sleeping peacefully. He smiled at you before kissing your forehead. He hugged you as he slept beside you.

The next day you woke up to the aroma of the food. You woke up from the best sleep you had. It was so refreshing and you felt so much better with it. You got up from the bed and went to the kitchen, where you saw the blond cooking for you.

You hugged him from behind as he grinned at your cute behaviour. “Good morning love”, he greeted you as he placed one of his arm around your shoulder and snuggled closer to you.

“Thanks for making this baby. I am so thankful for this”, you said pecking his cheek. He smiled and continued to make the breakfast.

“Its alright. Well, Y/N, you need to eat before you start writing the assignment. You smiled looking at him. ‘I am sure lucky’, you thought. You ate breakfast and then Sanji showed you the information he collected to write the assignment. Just when you thought you couldn’t fall in love with him more, he proved you wrong.

He was beside you leaning down with the laptop before you two as he was talking about some websites Robin chan mentioned. You placed your hand on his chin and turned him towards you then pulled him in for a kiss.

“I think, I found the best boyfriend one could have. I’m so lucky”, you said as you hugged him

He blushed so hard when you said that.

“AHHH!! AND YOU ARE THE BEST GIRLFRIEND Y/N, I LOVE YOU TOO”

That day you both wrote the assignments together and finished them.

“Its okay to ask for help Y/N, I am always happy to help you”, Sanji said as he held the finished papers of the assignment.

You smiled back at him and said, “Thankyou Sanji. I… I’ll ask your help”

XOXOXOXO

So, I hope you liked this one shot. I felt so connected writing this. If you are facing a similar situation. Just remember. You need rest and you can always ask for help. Please give yourself credit and stay positive.

Like/Vote, Comment, Reblog/Share if you liked it!

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r1ntaros · 4 years

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falling // jeong yunho

SYNOPSIS: After experiencing countless messy break ups, Yunho can't seem to find himself to love and to be loved once again. Not until he met y/n who’s as broken as him. Sharing their stories, Yunho found out that they’re almost the same but their difference is Yunho can help himself be whole again after being shattered into pieces. But y/n? Well, maybe God has plans as to why they met each other.

PAIRING: Yunho x fem!reader

GENRE: fluff, angst

WORD COUNT: 4.5k

SONG RECOMMENDATION: falling by harry styles

WARNINGS: mentions of drinking, cheating, cursing, verbal fighting, emotional breakdowns, toxic relationships, self doubts, unhealthy way of coping up with heartbreaks

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello! This is my first work for the tag, hehe. I also have another work drafted but it's quite long so I decided to post a /shorter/ one first to test the waters since I'm too shy sharing my works because I know I'm not that great of a writer ssjdjsjk. Some character names are also made by me and doesn't exist in real life. I'm so sorry for grammatical errors as well! English is not my first language >.< Feedbacks are welcome and accepted, enjoy!

Masterlist

Silently sitting at the couch of a friend’s party, Yunho chugged down his 3rd bottle of beer for the night. Just today, his fourth girlfriend decided to break up with him through text, saying their usual “it’s not you, it’s me” line that he is tired of hearing.

As much as it’s supposed to sound reassuring, he can’t help but think that maybe there really is something wrong with him as a boyfriend. Does he not spare them enough time and attention? Does he spend way too much time with his friends? Does he always stay up late all the damn time, playing his god forsaken video games and occasionally forgetting to text his past significant others back unintentionally?

He really can’t answer his own questions but he knows.. he fucking knows that he’s nothing but a good, loyal boyfriend to those who he used to date. But why do they always leave him?

He felt someone nudged on his knee, cutting him off of his thoughts. Looking at that person, he saw Mingi with eyes full of concern. “Dude, we’ve been looking for you for the past five minutes already then I see you sitting on the couch, glaring at everyone. What’s wrong?”

San was the first one to notice their arrival and smiled the brightest smile he can muster while clapping his hands. He looks like he’s not yet drunk.

“There’s our Yunho!” He exclaimed which gained the others attention, some even greeting him with enthusiasm as they went back to playing. He silently sat beside Wooyoung who looked at him full of curiosity. Usually when they party, he’s one of those causing chaos but due to how he’s acting now, Wooyoung must’ve sensed that there’s something wrong.

He put his arm over Yunho’s shoulder and shook him slightly, “What’s bothering you, bud?”

That single, simple sentence seems to break all the emotions and questions that Yunho’s been keeping to himself as he felt his eyes get teary and he asked, “Is there something wrong with me?”

The chaos surrounding him suddenly became calm as the rest of his friends circled him. No one spoke and the silence was unbearable until Hongjoong decided to break it.

“Yunho, what happened?”

He took a deep shaky breath, “Eunhae broke up with me.”

A scoff was heard and everyone looked at Yeosang, “See what I told you? This is what you get for not listening, Yunho.” He said as Yunho stared at him with a hardened expression.

Hongjoong, who’s trying to do damage control, decided to peel Yeosang away from their circle but the younger broke free, “Yeosang, now’s not the time–”

“Now’s not the time to what, Hongjoong?” Yeosang spit out with so much hatred, making Hongjoong look away. The younger man proceeds to walk and stand in front of Yunho, gripping both of his arms tightly, “Jeong Yunho, what did I tell you? She’s not good for you, she’s–”

“Gonna break your heart and leave you broken like the rest of them did. I know, Yeosang. I know.” Yunho cut him off, voice full of regret, “I should’ve listened to you.” He said, this time, with a small voice.

Yeosang just rolled his eyes and pulled Yunho in a hug with his head on his chest, steadied by the smaller’s hand. The action caught him off guard and all of a sudden, the only thing he could feel and hear is his sobs breaking free from his mouth, tears falling down from his eyes as his body trembles in brokenness.

The whole pool house was silent and the only thing that’s audible is the ongoing party happening outside. His friends let him cry until he’s too tired and broken to let anything out. Wiping his eyes, he giggled tiredly, “I’m a fucking fool. I don’t want to love anymore. I just want to be loved the way I deserve.”

No one spoke but his friends’ hearts broke at what he said. Yunho is loved by everyone but he’s just too engrossed in giving away his heart to someone that he didn’t notice it.

Wooyoung removed the hair from his eyes and whispered, “Let’s get you home, buddy, so you can rest. You consumed enough alcohol.”

“I’m not fucking drunk, I want to drink more!” He tries to argue, making Seonghwa speak up, “You may not be drunk but you’re tired and have alcohol in your system. That’s not healthy. You know that drinking is not the healthiest way to cope up with heartbreak, Yunho.”

“Let me be!” He shouted as he tried to pry off Wooyoung’s grasp on him as he tried to stand up to get more alcohol.

“No I won’t let you be!” Seonghwa argued back, pushing him down to where he’s seated, the tension coming back again, “You’re broken enough and if you drink more you’ll be nothing but an unrepairable mess and I don’t want that. We don’t want that to happen.”

Sinking the older’s words in, Yunho has no choice but to agree. Seonghwa’s right, damn, he is always right. He decided to silently follow Wooyoung to his car and the drive back home was silent. No one spoke until they arrived at his condominium.

“Take care of yourself, Yunho.” Wooyoung said, “We care for you. We love you, always remember that. I know it’s tiring but we’re always here to help you be whole again.” After saying those words, he decided to drive away and go back to Jongho’s house.

Entering his apartment, he didn’t bother to turn on the lights and decided to do his night routine and lay down in his bed as he looked at the view of the city on his window, thinking about Wooyoung’s words. It helped bring a slight smile on his face as he decided to let himself slip off to dreamland.

—

The next day, Yunho decided to visit his favorite coffee shop to grab his usual favorite treats for the morning to start it well instead of moping around because he got his heart broken.

Arriving at the cafe, he was greeted by the Mrs. Kim, the lady who owns and baked the treats in this coffee shop, “Good morning sweetheart! Do you want the usual?”

“Good morning Mrs. Kim! I think I’ll grab a hot chocolate instead of cold, this time.” He replied with a kind smile as he watched Mrs. Kim fusses over the cashier (who’s her daughter) to punch his orders. Haru smiled at him when she gave him his receipt but leaned forward, gesturing Yunho to do the same.

“You see that girl over there?” She asked, pointing at the girl in the corner, “She entered earlier looking sad and all. You think you can cheer her up?”

Yunho rolled his eyes, “I’m not a clown, Haru. Also, I can’t even bring myself to cheer up when I just went through a break up myself.”

Haru was taken aback by his response then she rolled her eyes, “But you don’t look broken unlike her! You look completely fine.” She pouted and gestured to the girl again, “She looked like she’ll pass out due to sadness.”

Yunho just let out a sigh, “What do I get in return?”

“Two extra cinnamon rolls under my tab.” She said and winked at him. Yunho held his hand out and she took it to seal their deal. “Good luck, Yunho!” She singsongs and Yunho just rolled his eyes.

Approaching her table, Yunho decided to tap the girl on her shoulder and she thankfully looked up but didn’t speak. The curiosity in her eyes though, was enough to voice out her question of “who are you and what are you doing here?”

Scratching the back of his head, Yunho smiled shyly, “Hi, I’m uh, Yunho. I’m alone and have no company. Is there anyone seated there?” He asked, pointing at the empty seat in front of her.

“There used to be someone seated here but they left me.” She said in a quiet voice enough for Yunho to hear but didn’t comment on it then she proceeded to answer him while shaking her head, “No one’s seated there.”

“I hope you don’t mind if I.. sit here?” He asked cautiously, “But it’s okay if you don’t want me too! I’ll just look for an empty space.”

Y/n decided to look around and noticed that the coffee shop is a bit packed. Feeling guilt immediately eating her up just in case she rejects him, she answered, “You can sit here, it’s okay.”

Without saying any more words, Yunho sat down in front of her. They were silent for a while until Yunho spoke up, “You know, me and my friend noticed that you’re actually not well.”

“Your friend?” She asked, thinking if this guy was playing with her, that he’s with someone else even if he told her no, just like what he did with her. “You’re with someone yet you told me that–”

Her sentence was cut off by a giggle from Yunho, “The cashier is the friend I’m talking about.” He clarified and she can feel the heat of shame spreading through her cheeks.

And after that, silence was there again.

No one really spoke until Yunho’s order arrived. He was munching happily on his cinnamon roll and took a sip of his hot.. coffee? Chocolate? When he looked at her and said, “You know I heard you when you said that there’s someone seated here before. Where are they?”

Y/n looked at him with an unpredictable look and that’s when Yunho realized that it must be a sensitive topic. Immediately waving his hands that are holding the utensils, he added, “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it! I’m just a mere stranger, I know.”

The look of panic on his face made y/n smile a bit as he resembled a puppy that got caught doing something wrong. She picked on the loose thread of her sweater when she decided to speak up, “You know, it’s my dream to rant to a stranger because I’m certain that we won’t meet again and I think that time is now, though I’m not sure about the not meeting you again part. I’m y/n, by the way.”

A soft smile flashed through Yunho’s features as he understood what she meant, “You can speak whenever you’re ready.”

She let out a deep sigh and started, “You know the feeling when someone you gave your all just decided to fuck you up emotionally?” She asked and laughed humorlessly, “That’s what he did to me. I won’t be saying his name, I hope you don’t mind.” She added as she wiped her tired-looking eyes.

Yunho nodded silently and gestured to her to continue, “I’ve been living with my boyfriend, well, ex boyfriend for six months now. We’ve been together for a year and a half after I met him at my best friend’s party. We were happy, really. After dating each other for a year, he decided to move in at my apartment unit.”

“The first three months were full of legitimate happiness. There were times where we just laze around, play with each other and sometimes do some random things. I thought it’ll stay that way but I was wrong. Somewhere around April, he started to be distant towards me. I was trying to reach him out but he just kept on pushing me away.” She paused for a while and wiped the tear that fell from her eye.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, she continued, “I thought he was just stressed with college and all but no. Somewhere mid-April, I was waiting for him to come home late at night then he went home drunk. Really really drunk. We had our fair share of parties but that’s the first time I saw him like that and he didn’t tell me that he’s going to a party as well. I mean, I wouldn’t stop him but asking for permission could’ve been nice.”

“We started screaming at each other that time and it was the first ever huge fight we had. He left my apartment that very same day and I don’t know where he went. He went home in the morning and apologized to me then of course I accepted it. Those things just continued until recently, he said something that I really won’t forget which is also the very same reason why I broke up with him.”

“He was drunk that time again when he shamelessly and proudly confessed to me that he’s been seeing my best friend and that she’s the better girlfriend than me. I mean, I’m okay with breaking up with a lying, cheating asshole but my problem is I gave up everything for him. He’s my first love and she’s my only friend who didn’t leave my side. Now I have no idea on how to bring back my life from before.” Tears were now falling down her face nonstop as she tried to wipe it off her face but the waterfall from her eyes showed no sign of stopping. Yunho frantically pulled his handkerchief on his pocket and offered it to her which she gladly accepted.

“We’re stopping here, okay? I don’t want you to faint due to crying.” Yunho said as he fidgeted with his fingers and she sobbed quietly. This girl is the same as him. Broken, left alone, not appreciated. But their difference is that he has everything she doesn’t have and can do anything she can’t. He has friends to help him fix himself and welcome him with open arms when he’s too overwhelmed with sadness and that made him realize of how fucking lucky he is.

Until now here he is, conversing with a very broken girl and thinking of a crazy thing that he never thought he’ll be doing.

Silently grabbing y/n’s trembling hands into his he smiled, “Let me help you.”

She was taken aback by what he said and before she can react, Yunho explained his intentions, “We’re both broken, my girlfriend just broke up with me yesterday but that doesn’t fucking matter. Between the two of us, I can completely keep myself going. I still have friends who can help me when I’m in my most vulnerable state but you.. your only friend betrayed you and I just realized that maybe this is the time someone needs me.”

Too stunned to speak, y/n just clasped Yunho’s hands tighter, “Yunho..”

“Y/n, you don't have to say anything but please reconsider my intention. I want to help you.”

A set of fresh tears fell down from her eyes as she looked at him. This time, with a smile. The most beautiful smile that Yunho has ever seen because no smile can be compared to a smile of a broken one.

“Thank you, Yunho.” She said in a whisper but enough for the both of them to hear.

He softly patted her hand and answered in return, “Now’s not the time to say that. Thank me when you’re whole and fixed again. Deal?”

A laugh bubbled out of y/n as she agreed, “Deal.”

Six months later…

Laying down on his bed with his eyes closed, Yunho couldn’t help but think through the sudden turn of events in his life. His mind immediately flew through the memory of the day he first met y/n.

Weeks after their encounter, it was quite hard to reach out to her despite knowing her side of the story. They agreed to meet everyday at the same spot in the same cafe and just talk about their own feelings. Y/n had a hard time letting her emotions out during those times as she really won’t be able to speak without crying and Yunho has to offer his handkerchief all the time since she always seems to forget to bring hers all the time.

Right after that, a month passed by quickly and she started to smile and laugh more. She also met the boys who welcomed her into their circle with open arms but at the same time, she has her guards up just in case things go wrong. The boys never failed to notice it but they chose not to comment on it. She immediately warmed up to San and Wooyoung and they’re labeled as the chaotic trio in their circle. Y/n felt herself getting happier.

In the second month, however, despite having enough friends, she still finds herself going back and forth to the past. There are times where she had her emotional episodes and she’s just thankful that Yunho’s been there for her always. She spent most of her time staying over Yunho’s place than she spent in her own place, telling each other stories that the other doesn’t know and just laughing her sadness away.

And in the last week of the second month, y/n decided to move over the empty condominium space beside Yunho’s as she reasoned out that she can’t stand the memories made in that apartment so she decided to move out. As Yunho helped her unpack with a fair share of giggles and laughter, that’s when Yunho realized that he’s healed.

In the last month of the year, which marks the fifth month after they met, Y/n seemed to go back to her normal self and Yunho saw her as a very giggly and carefree person. Yes, there were times where she remembers her ex boyfriend but instead of wallowing in sadness like she used to do, she started making fun of that memory that left her very broken before. The first time they spent Christmas together was when Yunho realized, he’s in love.

He’s falling for her and he’s scared.

He’s scared that the same thing will happen to him all over again. That after making her happy, she’ll leave him like how they did with him. Cancelling all his plans the day after that, he decided to voice out his concerns to Yeosang.

“Sang, I’m scared.” The first thing he blurted out with panicked eyes by the time Yeosang opened his apartment door.

His friend guided him to his couch and patted him in the back, “What happened, Yunho?”

“I..” he let out a deep sigh and he felt tears pooling in his eyes, “I’m falling for y/n, Sangie.”

A breath of relief rushed out of Yeosang’s mouth and he smiled warmly, “What’s so scary about that?”

“I.. I don’t know. Maybe she’s going to leave me like all of them did. Maybe I’ll get broken again but this time I won’t be able to pick myself up and–”

“Yunho, it’s not love if it doesn’t hurt.”

Yunho was dumbfounded by his friend’s words; he opened his mouth only to find himself closing it once again, making him look like a fish gasping for air.

Yeosang stared at him intently as he took a hold in Yunho’s hand, “Yunho, listen to me. Y/n, she’s thankful for you. Though I don’t know what really happened to her the day you met but I can tell that you helped her.”

“I assure you, y/n’s not the type to leave the only person she’s relying on. She’s too grateful to do that, used to be too broken to think of that. She’s not the type to put herself in the same situation that I’m assuming other people used to put her in. And I get it, you’re scared but Yunho, the happiness she gave you is not describable by words. It’s not just me who noticed it but the other boys as well. She’s different, one of a kind.”

“Give it a try and maybe she’s the right person for you.” Yeosang said as he put finality in his words, drowning Yunho in realization.

“Yeosang..”

“I know, you’re welcome. Now go home and fix yourself. I know you had fun staying up with her yesterday.” His friend pushed him out of his apartment door and before he completely left the place Yeosang called him out once again, “If things go wrong, we’ll always be here for you.”

And that made Yunho’s heart swell in happiness.

Except, when he saw her again, Yunho just chickened out and decided to avoid her like a plague and y/n is not dumb enough to not notice it.

January is their sixth month together and it’s also been a few weeks now since Yunho started avoiding her. It made her sad to the point that she ranted to Wooyoung and San on their separate group chat on how Yunho’s not talking to her and how it frustrates her.

Y/n, unlike Yunho, is aware of the feelings that bubbled up in her heart. The way she felt the butterflies on her stomach two months ago when she heard Yunho sing for the first time and she blatantly told herself that yep, she’s in love with her golden retriever-looking friend. She immediately told San and Wooyoung about it as the two boys called her suddenly and started squealing like high school girls in the duration of their call.

She thought that everything was going fine and she kept her secret well not until Yunho started avoiding her after they all spent the New Year’s Eve together. She started to get worried, thinking if she did something wrong.

Deciding that instead of wallowing in her own overthinking tendencies, y/n went to Yunho’s apartment and didn’t bother knocking as she punched his too familiar code at the door. It’s in the middle of the afternoon and she figured that maybe he’s still at his bedroom after experiencing one of a hell week because college already started again.

Opening his bedroom door silently, y/n saw Yunho laying down on his bed with his head turned to the side of the window. Eyes obviously blank and void of emotions. She silently made her way to his bed and jumped on it and shouted, “Yunho!”

“Jesus, you scared me!” Yunho exclaimed as his arms wrapped around y/n’s torso with his eyes wide, “What are you doing here?”

She laid on her stomach and giggled as she removed the hair covering her eyes, “I came to visit you.” She replied with a pout and she spoke once again, “You’ve been ignoring me since the year started, I miss you.”

Yunho stared at her incredulously and he tucked her hair behind her ears, noticing the blush spreading through her cheeks, “I’m sorry, I just have a lot of things in mind.”

She let out a huff making Yunho raise and eyebrow at her and she smiled, “I’ll listen to you this time.”

“Y/n–”

“Come on, Yunho. You helped me a lot so now it’s my time to repay you. Maybe talking can help you get your mind out of the gutter.”

Yunho just laid there silently once again thinking through things that can possibly happen. If he tells her, their friendship might either end immediately or she reciprocates his feelings for her. But then, he can hear Yeosang speaking in his mind.

Give it a try.

He watches as she fidgets with his fingers that are laying in his stomach. He stared at her eyes and it reflected the night sky filled with stars even if it’s the middle of the day. He let out a sigh making y/n look at him and giggle, “That’s a deep–”

“I like you.”

Y/n was dumbfounded for a while as she stared at Yunho with her mouth open making the latter laugh and guide his hand under her chin to close it. She stared at him still and it’s been a minute that passed by when he confessed and Yunho couldn’t help but feel nervous so he added, “I-I understand if you don’t like me back it’s just that–”

“Idiot.” She suddenly blurted out, as she sat down beside him from her lying position, cutting his words. Yunho looked at her confused, “Huh?”

“You’ve been avoiding me because you like me? What are you trying to do? Damage control?”

“Well, yes–”

“That’s dumb, Yunho.” She said as a matter of factly and Yunho’s eyebrows were knitted, “Look if you’re just going to roast me–”

“I like you too, you fucking dumbo. Are you going to kick me out?” Her words sounded confident which made Yunho stare at her in wonder. They were silent for a while and it’s enough time for Yunho to help his mind process her words.

Giggling as he did so, y/n looked at him confused, “Why are you giggling?”

“Come here.” He said as he pulled her beside him, y/n’a face tucked in his neck, “I really like you.” He said once again then chose to proceed, “I was scared that you’ll leave me like they did if I told you.”

She hummed, “I really really really like you too. I know when we first met that I was broken but that didn’t make me afraid to love. I won’t leave you like they did.”

Yunho smiled through her hair and dropped a kiss on the crown of her head, “Let me take you out on a date?”

“We still have some time today. We can go to Mrs. Kim’s coffee shop. We can visit an arcade then eat dinner out? Maybe do a little bit of shopping?” She suggested as she looked up and their gazes met. He smiled softly at her and hummed, “Sounds like a plan.”

“For now cuddle me here in your bed.” She said in a cute demanding voice causing a laugh to bubble out of Yunho’s mouth.

“Whatever my princess wants then she gets.”

She let out a squeal and squeezed herself tighter into him as if they weren’t too close enough yet. She thought about the first time she met the light of her life and remembered a very important thing they agreed on.

“Yunho?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Thank you.” He looked down at her and booped their noses together as they cuddled in the warmth of Yunho’s bed. Yunho, smiling like an idiotic fool, immediately knows the true meaning behind her gratitude because he feels the same, he’s thankful he met her that day.

Maybe Yeosang is right as well, she may really be the right person for him, and for the first time in years, this is the only relationship Yunho had that made him feel so happy and content.

thank you for reading!

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yanderesponge · 3 years

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★Introducing★

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Click for better quality

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Yuhime and Yoshi Fujimori!

I really liked Yoichi's old design, but I didn't want to put her new design to waste, so I turned her into two people! (With a few changes, of course)

More info under the cut

★Upbringing★

Yoshi was always encouraged to make something of herself and was considered a born leader. She would offer to help around the house whenever she could, worked hard in school, and played outside when she had nothing to do. She had the motivation and confidence to achieve greatness.

Yuhime, on the other hand, was more of a creative thinker. She didn't like going outside and playing with the other kids. She liked singing and dancing and colouring everything she could imagine. Her brain was full of ideas and she would let the world know.

But, unfortunately, as the two grew older, their parents became more distant and lost the time for them.

Yoshi became intensely focused on her own achievements; She wanted to be the healthiest, strongest, smartest person she could possibly be and she wasn't going to let anyone stop her.

Yuhime took to reading books, writing stories and poems, and daydreaming. She loved the disorientation she got from looking around after finishing a good book, and she used writing as a form of expression for her thoughts and emotions.

★Personality★

Yoshi is determined and ambitious

She's smart, independent, and strong, but she gets defensive when she's upset and will push people away if she feels they are getting too close to her, physically or emotionally.

She's very confident and motivated, but also quite stubborn and has a hard time admitting when she's wrong.

Because of this, she tries to avoid arguments by compromising, talking things through, or walking away, but once things get physical, she won't back down until someone gets seriously hurt.

She is frustrated by the height difference her and her sister have, but she doesn't dwell on it since it's something she can't change.

Yuhime is adaptable and centered

She sees potential in everyone and encourages people to better themselves, but she can be a bit pushy and doesn't always consider other people's feelings when doing so.

She started off as a soft spoken, bookish daydreamer who stayed inside reading and writing all day, but she quickly grew into something more.

Her love for fiction goes beyond simple daydreams. She modifies her personality based on characters she feels most connected to and sometimes even compares others to fictional characters.

She has high expectations for people and thrives in situations where she's in control. When people deviate from the roles she gives them or break her expectations, she gets frustrated and stops talking to them.

★Additional★

The two of them were born and raised in Shisuta before Yoshi first got accepted into a school in Akademi.

Yuhime had no other choice than to apply to the same school the following year. She didn't mind, of course, but she wasn't really motivated to do anything other than reading and completing her assignments in the library until her second year.

Yoshi is the reason the Fujimoris have a treadmill. She got hypothermia on a run once, in the middle of December of 2017, which also sparked her hatred for snowstorms.

Yuhime recently got interested in psychological horror, especially in video games. Doki Doki Literature Club and Amnesia: The Dark Descent are her favorites, and it shows in quite a few ways.

Yoshi has a bit of a competitive crush on Itachi Zametora, and finds it admirable, rather than enviable, that he's always a bit better than her.

Yoshi and Yuhime were born a year apart.

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misc-headcanons · 4 years

Note

Could you do SFW and NSFW headcanons for Tatsumaki from one punch man and a Male S/O?

SFW

Tatsumaki is...not the healthiest person to be in a relationship with, not gonna lie. She’s very controlling, manipulative, and is kind of a mix of the worst traits of a tsundere and a yandere, mashed together in one terrifyingly powerful force of nature. She’ll bend the world in half for you, and then blush a bit and call you useless whenever you thank her. It’s a constant game of “Okay, does she hate me or is she just trying not to be emotionally vulnerable/close?”

That said, if you somehow manage to catch her eye, you will never have to worry about anything in your life ever again. Money troubles? Tatsumaki’ll either give you money or intimidate whoever you’re trying to buy from; college financial department, the cashier at the convenience store, literally anyone. She once cracked open a vending machine with her powers because you wanted a drink but didn’t have enough change in your pocket. Having to work extra hours? She’ll destroy your office building so you can take a long ass vacation (or just threaten to do that in front of your boss).

She’s never been in a relationship before, so I think she’d struggle with the feelings that come from being in one. Like if you said that you loved her, she’d be taken aback a bit; the only other person who’s ever said that is her sister. She wouldn’t really know how to respond at first, but eventually she’d just scoff and go “Of course you do”...before awkwardly putting her head on your shoulder or grabbing your hand and quietly replying that she loves you too. Being vulnerable, emotionally or physically, just isn’t something she’s used to. Still, if she’s in a relationship with you, she’ll slowly start to trust you enough to let herself be vulnerable...just a little bit, though.

You’re likely going to be taller than her, and she enjoys floating up to meet you at eye level before kissing you or hugging you. She also likes to use her powers to give you really intense telekinetic hugs. Like it feels like you’re suffocating at first, and it feels weird because she could be on the other side of the room while making the forces of gravity hug you for her. By the way, the only affection she’ll give you in public is through telekinesis (people/some fellow Heroes/fans tend to get annoyingly gushy and ask all sorts of nosy questions when they see her holding hands with you, so she doesn’t do anything physical when anyone’s around): gravity hugs, telekinetically playing with your hair or “holding” your hand, etc. It feels like you’re being cuddled with a ghost sometimes when you’re out! In private though, she’s much more affectionate and especially likes resting in your lap.

(NS.FW under the cut!)

NSFW

You’re likely never going to top, I’m gonna get that out of the way right now lol. Regardless of how much she trusts you, it would take a very long time for her to be vulnerable enough to ever let you try to take control in the bedroom. And the moment you do anything she doesn’t like, she’s flipping you over with a flick of her fingers to retake control again. She’s not a dom. She is THE dom.

She doesn’t really get kinks where she’s restrained, like bondage or shibari. (“I can just break out whenever I want, so why bother tying me up?”) Seeing you restrained is amusing to her, though. She wouldn’t even use ropes or anything physical most of the time; she’d just use her powers to hold you in place and smirk whenever you squirm around.

Her ego and astronomically high standards mean she doesn’t have much experience having sex with a partner, but she still has a very commanding/authoritative presence. She’ll give you oral, but only if you eat her out first. She’s not really particular as to where she wants you to cum, since she’ll either swallow it or wave it away with her hand.

Has a tendency to tease you in public with her powers, just because she can. You’ll be out on a date with her at a fancy restaurant, when all of a sudden--oop, some unseen telekinetic force is toying with your dick through your pants, how unexpected! Her expression would be unchanged and she’d just sip her drink, asking if you’re enjoying your food and making light conversation with a devilish glint in her eyes. If you’re with her, expect a lot of teasing.

#tatsumaki #one punch man #opm #opm headcanon #opm headcanons #ns.fw #male s/o #mine #Anonymous

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queer-polyam-emperor-penguin · 3 years

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So, a short update.

I have some health conditions that I've mentioned her before.

Both pre-serum-steve and Princess are still in my life and friends...

The meta who kissed Princess about a month ago now is not in mine or Princesses life, due to some really cruel words said that by her that crossed boundaries. She said them while in a bad place and was upset from grief, but that doesn't change the crossed boundaries and the wounds and Princess and I made the separate decisions to take space... her before I did, because I struggle with loss.

In saying that, about two weeks later, for completely unrelated reasons, Princess and I broke up. Ultimately my decision.

I've been openly polyamorous since I was a young teenager, I'm now in my 20's. I have more experience in polyamory than most of the in person community around me, but with limited life experiences in other areas. I'm also a hopeless romantic who can be blindsided and naive when it comes to NRE. Especially because my optimism and my willingness to commit to things that I expect to bring long term happiness don't merge well with my trauma responses of fawning and freezing.

I realised after an intense therapy session that I was still holding a lot of my childhood trauma as a safety blanket, never really trusting, always wanting control of a situation by refusing to be vulnerable in my emotions by relying purely on facts. Because emotional vulnerability isn't very well accepted in my family, it's pushed down a lot. I love emotional vulnerability in polyamory, a place where I can safely express my love and affection and care for others without judgement or being seen as weird... polyamory is a safe place for my emotions.

But I don't treat my fears and hurts and anger and anxiety the same way I treat other emotions, which makes it hard to be vulnerable.

It is so so hard to be vulnerable when you treat every emotional response like a science experiment and play 'what chemicals do I need to balance to no longer feel that and how do I do that?' Or what I did for a while there 'How much do I need to feel to process and emotion enough to re-bury it and stop my emotional response.' Neither of which is the healthiest reaction.

So when I realised that I was responsible for the struggles I was having in my relationships, when I realised that I can't fix this while I'm in a relationship that had very established patterns and I was tiptoeing to avoid disrupting the routine, that I didn't like who I was becoming and didn't believe it was good enough for her or for me... I decided it was time to walk away and salvage the friendship and respect and love that we could before we went down a path that I was afraid would lead to resentment and hurt.

I haven't been single in a long time and part of that was just overlap and being young, also the fact I tended to get into long term relationships. It's been over 6yrs since I was single for more than 4-6mnths.

At 22, inching closer to 23 now, I've spent nearly a quarter of my life invested more into the version of myself I felt like I needed to be to preserve the relationships I was in, over the person I could become to make myself happiest... which was the reason I opened up about being polyam in the first place. If I wanted to spend my life catering to someone's ideal version of me, I'd be the perfect Christian daughter my parents wanted instead of the bisexual polyamorous trans-man who's polytheistic and practices witchcraft and is a little bit of the family disappointment. So I don't want to spend my life catering to the perfect person of someone else's fantasy version of me; especially because I don't want to have been part of why that exists by being unable to express the vulnerability they need from me.

So I'm taking some time to heal and I might post about this journey a little bit and I hope it helps others.

Polyamory doesn't mean perfect, people aren't perfect and circumstances will change. Sometimes adapting means stepping away to grow into a better you, a version of you that you love, that's the important part.

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cryptofilm · 3 years

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Bolt from the Dark | Animated Short Film

vimeo

Bolt from the Dark | Animated Short Film by Prateek Mathur

The short film is available for crypto art collectors - NFT Rarible

Bolt From The Dark - Concept

The concept of this short film revolves around surrealistic art and fantasy. Surrealism is a movement that began in the 1920s and has been expressed in art, literature, and even politics. WWI had a profound effect on Europe, and many people believed that the conflict was a result of excessive rational thought and the materialistic values of the middle and upper classes. Artists of this belief were known as Dadaists, and they embraced chaos and the irrational. The Surrealism movement focused on these ideas of chaos and unconscious desires in an effort to dig deep into the unconscious mind, to find inspiration for political and artistic creativity.

The main character in the video is represented by a female body made out of dark wood. In place of a human head is a cube, with one out of the six sides connecting to the body. She is also holding two crystal eyes. The character does not represent a human form. She reacts to sound as conveyed by the movements of the cube and the way it lights up with the beat. Instead of her facial features – which he does not have – displaying emotions, her gesture translates her feelings. She holds her crystal eyes in her hands, and thus controls and manipulates her surroundings.

In contrast, an organic character is introduced. A “Wyvern”. The legendary bipedal, winged, dragon, usually depicted with a tail ending in the shape of a diamond or arrow, is a popular creature in European literature, video games, and modern fantasy. The Wyvern in heraldry and folklore, is rarely fire-breathing, unlike the four-legged dragon. It frequently features in modern fantasy fiction, though its first literary appearances may have been in medieval bestiaries.

In the video, the Wyvern’s poisonous breath is represented by fire, which can be equally as destructive. It also appeals to the sense of touch. The concept of the video originated from a desire to take the viewer on a journey of transformation, beginning in darkness and reaching for the light. However, it also serves as a metaphor for the recent events that have touched us all. Before the pandemic, we were living life without a care for the little things that seem so precious today. It has shown us how fragile our community is, and the subsequent chain reaction that will occur if one single aspect of our society falls. Unfortunately, given our innate habit to downplay more traumatic events, as life gets back to normal, we will most likely forget just how much the pandemic affected us personally, and we will eventually ignore the things which we learned. As human beings, we are motivated to see the bright side and do our best to forget the bad.

This story also demonstrates how people around us play an important role in changing who we are and vice versa. The healthiest option for anyone, is to be surrounded by people with rational thinking, who have the ability to consider the relevant variables of a situation and to access, organize, and analyze relevant information (e.g., facts, opinions, judgments, and data). This is not a skill one can just master. Unfortunately, any rational person can fall into the darkness, through mistakes and harmful influence. It is by definition what it means to be human. For example, at the peak of the Covid-19’s first wave, death and the ever-present threat of an unseen enemy pushed many people to find an escape. While some moved towards a more positive way of dealing with the issue, many fell prey to irrational thinking, tumbling deeper down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories, thus wiping out the rational thought process of what is to be believed.

CONCEPT

The story begins with the character, emerging from the darkness and reaching a platform, from which she can observe her surroundings, seemingly filled with dragon eggs. The dragon egg symbolises a beginning. An empty mind searches, as it needs information, direction and knowledge so it may begin its journey. As the egg starts hatching, it now sits on the platform where the character was. A dark dragon tracks her and she is surrounded by others like her. This represents the pressure of our society and the need to be accepted. However, she continuously resists, attempting to escape the grip of darkness while the dragon follows her. She sees glimpses of light, and tries to look at the world from the point of view of the stars. Still the darkness inside her pulls her back. As peer pressure intensifies, she feels increasingly uncomfortable, but she is not alone burdened with this feeling. Many in the community feel the same. As the video progresses, she finds her strength to get out of the darkness. She can feel it in her heart, which is filled with energy to spare. Her heart is pumping, and the darkness slowly lifts. Still, she finds herself surrounded by three dragons. Afraid, in pain and exposed, she shares the pure energy in her heart, the light spreading to everything that surrounds her. Their heartbeats synchronise, and the character transforms into the brightest being there. This pivotal point of the story conveys a moment of change for the better. As bright ideas and joyful thoughts destroy the darkness, she is lifted up, finally free from the burdens of negativity. At the end however, the choice is hers as doubt can send her spiralling back down to the darkness once again.

TIMELINE

The idea of this video sparked in mid-April 2020. Back then, the concept was vague, with little detail. However, moving forward, the idea evolved into a more focused concept, filled with meaning. Using surrealism to express the idea was quite challenging. The concept at its core was always the same – a surrealistic character in a fantasy environment. In the very early stages, I initially had the character performing a contemporary dance, with disjointed movements. The dance would slowly evolve into ballet, with soft movements while the environment changed to brighter colours. While I abandoned this concept, the idea of a journey from a place of torment towards the light is still the main focus of the final video.

The inspiration for the character’s pose, presentation, and animation came from the amazing artist Donald Glover and his music video “Childish Gambino This Is America”, directed by Hiro Murai, a Japanese-born American filmmaker based in Los Angeles. Glover’s dance moves are a bit uncomfortable to watch, as it is mostly a distraction from the background violence in the overall concept. Dances tend to be associated with frivolity (lack of seriousness) and vapidity, despite the fact that dancing has always been a communicative art of great cultural significance, spreading joy through movement. On the contrary, Glover’s movements represent a lack of seriousness, liveliness, and animation.

In order to develop the character, I designed several 3d models from head to toes and took multiple references for the character’s dynamic pose. The end result which represents a strong female character is satisfying. As a non-organic rigger, I hired a freelancer to rig the character with the specifications I required for the dragon. Initially, the first end result of the character’s overall look did not match what I had in mind and had a significantly high rendering time of 6 hours per frame. Therefore, I went back to the drawing board and simplified the design with the help of another artist, thus separating the render into multiple stages.

Initially, the project was divided into 50 shots which were then filtered into 30 shots maximum. I began rendering the shots in-house in early November 2020, as most of the budget went into purchasing assets and hiring freelancers. The majority of the render finished in early March 2021, after four and a half months of rendering. Patience is a virtue, and I found the overall look matched my expectations. After a private review of the short film, I collated feedback and polished the shots further.

Finally, regarding the name of the character Astrape, it was taken from Greek mythology. Astrape is a girl’s name meaning “lightning”. The twin sisters Astrape and Bronte were goddesses representing lightning and thunder. They would carry Zeus’s thunderbolts. Thus derived the name “Bolt from the Dark”.

Short Film by Prateek Mathur now available at Rarible.

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ttylbabezzz · 4 years

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Broken Part 2 Bones x reader

Warnings!!! Trigger!! Self injury, eating disorder!!

Bones

Bones had lost all hope in love and women after his messy divorce with his ex wife. She bled him dry and then some. He had nothing left not even his daughter. The day that almost all of start fleet was flung into action against some klingons was the day he first noticed her. He noticed the colour of her hair, the way she carried herself, and how undeniably smart y/n was. For a year he found himself engrossed in her, watching from afar as she communicated with people from various planets they were visiting and exploring. Her ability to somehow always smile. But after a while he noticed her smile fade and her eyes lose their shreds of happiness he had come to enjoy so much. It spiralled after that, he noticed the long sleeves she ALWAYS seemed to wear even if the heat was above what it normally was to match the seasons on earth, warmer in summer and colder in winter. But the long sleeves never seemed to leave her gorgeous body. It was lunch, He and jim had grabbed their plates when y/n came up in conversation. Jim has always been small minded, believed that women had to look, dress and act a certain way but the southerner, he was the exact opposite. He enjoyed the woman and how she looked. She was the healthiest out of all of them in the captains control room healthier even than jim was himself. “I worry about her bones, I mean it can’t be healthy for her to be that large. A little weight loss wouldn’t hurt anyone.” The captain spoke without consideration. Bones knuckles clenched around his tray as he clenched his jaw to keep from saying something to his best friend. “I mean really, she would be completely gorgeous if she wasn’t so fat.” Jim said next. Bones hands collided with the table angrily as they sat down “damn it Jim do you ever shut up? You’re forgetting, I’m CMO, I decide who’s healthy and who isn’t and y/n is certainly more healthy than even you. I mean come on have you ever seen her eat anything unhealthy?” He said harshly through his clenched teeth. He watched as her figure retreated with a bottle of water soon after. It was odd for her, she usually never skipped a meal. He knew because they sat together every day. Regardless of her weight she was still one of Jim’s best friends so why he all of a sudden was going after her behind her back was beyond him.

It seemed like after that day, everything had changed. Bones noticed how she slowly started telling everyone she wasn’t hungry or how she already ate. Every week there was a new excuse. A couple of months had passed when Jim had confronted him excitedly telling him how he had seen y/n in the gym every day for the last month. As he described how she had sweat pouring off of her every time jim was there and how exhausted she looked as she kept on while jim left. That was when his curiosity got the better of him. He asked for a few favours and soon he was keeping tabs on how long she was at the gym every day, Saying it was for his logs on everyone he asked for Jim’s hours too. Another couple of months passed and he watched as the beautiful woman he had grown feelings for rarely cracked a smile or talked anymore. He noticed how she barely even talked to him anymore and both of them had expressed how they thought of each other like siblings not 5 months prior.

As time passed bones just couldn’t fit the pieces together on what was happening to the woman everyone loved. Then, she was brought in for a case of dehydration. He took log of her weight, noticing that the 50 pounds she lost putting her at 210 pounds wasn’t possible if she was doing this in a healthy way. Not in such little time anyways. “Y/n l/n, it’s been some time since you were in here last. It looks like you’re suffering from dehydration, we’ll give you some fluids and bring you some food, you’ll be here for a few hours. I’ll have it cleared with Jim.” The CMO spike as he studied her face. At the nation of the word food he noticed a tinge of uncomfortableness in her body. Her muscles tensed up at the word. He had the food brought to her and checked on her every hour as he noticed the food looked like it was being eaten he was content. That was until she left and he heard the nurse muttering about the waste. “What waste?” He asked walking over “y/n, she didn’t eat a single bit of this by the looks at it, just tore it off and threw it out.” She said shaking her head as she changed the garbage. His fists clenched as he sighed returning to his desk.

He watched as her skin paled and her eyes sunk in and how in their form fitting uniforms her ribs stuck out in an unhealthy manner. She looked almost dead with the dark circles she wore everyday and the pale skin. He was getting more worried by the day. Then, the call came in. “Bones, emergency medical help requested in the command room, Jim said its urgent, y/n is unconscious.” The nurse spoke urgently as she ran over with their kits and a gurney. Time seemed to slow as he quite literally dropped everything and ran. When he saw her he felt his breath hitch in his throat and he froze. “Dr. McCoy, her hearts barely beating.” Uhura said with tears running down her face at the state of her friend. He kicked in to overdrive as they ran her back to med bay. “She’s coding!” The nurse yelled “charge the defibrillator to 300! CLEAR!” He yelled as he pressed the cold metal to her chest. He watched as her heart slowly started beating again “give her lots of fluids and give her a bag of blood for transfusion. She’s severely dehydrated and malnourished. Clear my schedule to the other doctors, I’m not leaving her side.” He spoke with authority as everyone bustled around him “god damn it woman. What have you done to yourself.” He says angrily as the nurses gasp he turns around. Her arms were littered with scars and cuts. There wasn’t a section of her pale slim arms that didn’t have either a fresh scar or a fresh cut. “Leonard! How is she?!” Jim said running in with tears in his eyes. As their eyes connected after bones took on the sight he heard a broken cry leave his best friends lips. “How did we not notice this? How did you not notice this damn it you’re the god damn CMO McCoy!” Jim said angrily “not the time for this conversation. Out. NOW!” bones yelled as he turned to wipe a stray tear before anyone could notice. Jim was right. How didn’t he notice. All the signs were there and never once did he put the pieces together and now his beautiful Mariah was practically dead in front of them. He worked tirelessly for hours, changing her fluids, running tests to make sure the blood transfusion was going smoothly and soon she wasn’t as dead looking as she was before. When everything was fine he sat down and let his eyes close for a while with a heavy heart. Jim was leaned up against the wall as he noticed how hard the doctor was taking all of this. Bones was in love with her and everyone except for the two of them could piece that together. He knew he shouldn’t have said what he did as he watched the doctor grip his best friends hand like she was going to slip away at any moment.

How had they let it get to this? It was a question that nobody held the answer to. But more importantly for bones, how had he let the woman he had grown to completely and utterly love get here? But now, they had to fix it. He had to get the love of his life back to how she was, happy, and healthy. No matter what.

Y/n

I woke up with the biggest headache I’d had in, well forever. The beeping of whatever it was only made it worse as I groaned and grabbed my head. Pulling my hand from whatever it was underneath I felt the cool air hit my bare arms and I instantly panicked. My eyes opened fast and I groaned again at the bright light noticing the whispers for the first time “anyone got any sunglasses..” I said in a gravelly voice. “No sunglasses, just questions.” I heard as I opened my eyes once more and looked around. I was in the med bay. The memory hit me like a train and I subconsciously sat up and pulled my knees to my chest as bones crossed his arms from where he sat having just woken up. “I don’t know why.” I say as I hang my head low. “ you know exactly why.” He says sternly as I bite my nails. “Why didn’t you come to us?” Jim asks with tears in his eyes. My eyebrows furrow angrily as I snap my head up to look at him “what the hell do you mean why jimmy? You’re the one who said I was too fat and unhealthy. Why are you all of a sudden so concerned?” I state crossing my arms. His face drops “you heard that...” he says looking down and I nod “yeah jim I did.” “It wasn’t what you think, okay? I was trying to prove something to uhura and saying that was the only way to prove the point.” He says looking at me pleading “what kind of a point calls for you to talk about me like that? You’re like family to me you a*shole.” I say glaring at him “uhura wasn’t as convinced as I was and I needed to get a reaction out of bones by talking about you. It was the only way to prove how he felt about you. She was on the fence about it and as soon as I did that and he reacted the case was closed. I’m sorry.” He says and I shake my head “that’s doesn’t answer my question. What. Point.” I growl out “that bones is just as in love with you as you are with him.” He says before walking out without a word. “What the hell is he talking about.” I sigh as I lay back on the bed. “Well he wasn’t lying. I do love you but that’s not why you’re here. Can you tell me why you’ve done this?” He asks grabbing my hand. I sigh as I look down at my lap “I didn’t feel beautiful anymore. And I wasn’t happy and I figured maybe if I was skinny. Maybe if I was like everyone else, maybe then I wouldn’t be so undesirable. Maybe then someone could love me.”

How could you even think that? You’ve always been the most beautiful woman in the room damn it. You’ve never been undesirable, I knew lots of men on the ship who thought the same.” He says and I shake my head “I wasn’t worried about them. I was worried about you. And after him said what he did and you didn’t say anything I knew it must be true and I knew I had to do something about it.” I say and he shakes his head “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were less then you were. But trust me I never thought you were anything but beautiful. I’ve loved you since we met at star fleet. I’ve loved you for so long but I figured you could do better so I never said anything. And for the record I didn’t say anything to Jim because I was more focused on not punching him out for saying that.” He says and I look at him. “Let’s get you better okay. I’m going to help you. I’m going to be there for you like I haven’t been, I’m sorry.” He says sitting beside me. I rest my head on his shoulder as I nod. His fingers found my chin and lifted my head up to meet his, and before I could stop myself our lips were pressed together. My hand wound through his hair as he pulled me onto his lap. I wasn’t sure how long it had been, time seemed to still as we got lost in each other. The sound of someone clearing their throat had me pulling away and turning to glare at the captain. “If you leave now I’ll forgive you.” I say a blush hearing my face. “Say no more.” He says before swiftly turning around and exiting. I bit my lip as I turned back to look at bones who was chuckling “I’ve only seen him move that fast when I’m coming at him with a hypo.” He says and I giggle. I knew this was going to be hard. And I knew I would struggle a lot, but I didn’t care. If I had these people behind me to help, then nothing would ever be a problem again.

#bones mccoy #bones x reader #leonard mccoy x reader #leonard mccoy #star trek x reader #star trek #star trek reader inserts #jim kirk x reader #jim kirk

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talesfromthefade · 4 years

Text

Fenris x Anders (Wings!AU), for @dadrunkwriting, and @contreparry

“Fenris,” Anders hedges, worrying his bottom lip. Part of the mage loathes the idea of bringing it up. And having this conversation now, when he’s just given the elf permission to touch and try to clean up his wings a bit, seems more than a little reckless. The healer in him, though, can’t quite push the thought out of his head.

“Yes, mage,” Fenris hums, finding and spinning a chair around and sweeping the dust from it, before gesturing for him to take it. Anders does, sitting backward, and slowly, taking care not to hit anything with them unfolds his wings. Resisting the urge to sneeze as the slight draft the movement creates sweeps up more dust into the air and grains to twinkle in the air where the sun drifting in through the large hole in the roof. It’s so rare for him to have the opportunity, to feel safe to set them free like this, it’s a surprise to see just how big and long they are, and for a moment he forgets what it was he wanted to ask. Fenris, for his part, seems equally transfixed, looking on with something akin to wonder and awe that makes Anders’s heart clench. He clears his throat, clearing with it the confusing swirl of thoughts and feelings that the elf seems to stir up whenever he is around.

“About what you told- well, what you showed me last night,” Anders says, returning to his earlier question and purpose. Fenris’ hands which had just begun to stretch out for his wings halt their progress and hang suspended in the air between them. Fenris had mentioned binding being bad for the ribs, so the elf can’t be entirely unaware that the means he’s using to compress his chest isn’t the healthiest. But perhaps he doesn’t know there are other options available to him? Given what little detail Fenris has offered up about life as a slave in Tevinter, Anders has no idea how long Fenris has been doing this, but he can’t imagine the Master he describes would have been in any way helpful or supportive. “There’s um-” Andraste’s knickerweasels, but this is awkward. Thank the Maker he doesn’t have to make any sort of eye contact while he’s getting this out, or Anders might just lose his nerve. Taking a breath, the mage does his best to slide into a more objective state of mind, to speak to him as though this were anyone else, one of his patients. “There are certain garments that will do the work of those bandages you had on yesterday without so much pressure on your ribs. Breathes a bit better too, as I understand it. I won’t pretend I’m an expert or anything, but I could ask around for you. Discretely,” he adds quickly. “See if there are any tailors around Kirkwall that know how to make them. Seems like there must be someone.”

“Fenris,” Anders ventures softly when the elf fails to make any sort of reply. The mage turns a little on the chair he’s straddling, but Fenris is just standing there, hands still frozen outstretched for his wings, wide green eyes staring at him.

“I- I knew there had to be… others,” the elf manages finally, finally letting his hands fall back to his sides for a moment. “But I thought-” he shakes his head. “Usually they are the sort you see at the Rose.”

“Women? In the business of corsets and clothing to, ahem, emphasize the assets,” Anders supplies with an amused quirk of a brow. Fenris nods. “Well, as I said, I can’t pretend to be an expert, but yes, you aren’t the first or only person the Maker put in the wrong body.” The elf’s breath catches for a moment, and Anders can’t do this over his shoulder anymore, spinning around on the chair to face him.

“You really believe that?”

“Of course, don’t you? Fenris, have you never talked with anyone else about this,” Anders asks carefully. Fenris frowns, fingers twitching nervously at his side before he curls them into fists to still them, before he finally shakes his head. “Oh, the way she talks, I thought maybe you and Isabela were…”

“No,” Fenris replies, shaking his head again. “She flirts. Doubtless, she would like to. But we are just friends.”

“Right. Well, you know, I daresay she’s a bit more…worldly than most of the rest of our group-” Fenris snorts.

“That’s a tactful way of putting it.” Anders shrugs.

“I was more referring to culturally with her having traveled to every corner of Thedas with a port, but yes, I suppose that too. Anyway, she might not be the worst person to talk to, was my point.”

“You’re not doing so bad.”

“If you say so,” Anders laughs, shaking his head softly.

“I do,” Fenris nods. “Now, we were going to do something about your wings,” the elf reminds him, gesturing back towards the chair. Anders nods, accepting albeit abrupt shift in the conversation. Fenris is done talking about it, done being vulnerable for now. Anders will take his turn, returning to straddle the chair and shaking out his wings once more.

“You know, for what it’s worth,” Anders offers quietly before he can stop himself, settling his chin on the back of the chair and stretching his wings back out for the elf to examine, “I’m pretty sure she’d still be interested.”

“You are surprisingly invested in this Mage, is there a wager on it? Varric? Hawke?”

“No,” Anders laughs. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you at all. Just-” but suddenly Anders can’t seem to voice exactly what he means by it. That Fenris doesn’t have to be alone? Unless that’s what he wants.

“Just,” Fenris prompts curiously.

“Hawke wasn’t wrong,” Anders replies, plowing forward before he can lose his nerve. “You’re a very handsome elf.” Especially when you do that, the Healer thinks before he can stop himself as Fenris’ cheeks and ears flame slightly at the compliment. “The right people will see that. See you.”

“Thank you,” Fenris chokes out finally. Anders nods, letting his chin fall back to the chair once more.

The healer’s not entirely sure what he expected when he agreed to let Fenris help put his wings back together again, but this definitely wasn’t one of the scenarios Anders had imagined. The elf touch is so light, so cautious he’s not even aware he’s begun before he suddenly stumbles across a particular spot, touches in just such a way Anders twists to duck out from under it with a peel of laughter.

“Oh,” Fenris smiles, looking relieved as Anders gets himself back under control once more, clearly momentarily worried he may have done something wrong or hurt him when he first pulled away. “You’re ticklish,” the elf observes, his smile sliding into something closer to a smirk.

“If you tell anyone,” Anders threatens, but it’s halfhearted at best, and Fenris seems to know better than to be cowed by it.

“Who would I tell Mage? Besides, how would you have me explain how I know that?”

“You know, we could be friendly with each other.”

“Is that not what we are doing now,” Fenris asks curiously, and Anders fights a shiver as the elf’s fingers trail carefully through his primaries looking for places they snag, feathers out of place.

“Around the rest of them.” Fenris hums thoughtfully, gently guiding a vein back into line with the others.

“And deprive them of their entertainment,” the elf teases. Then, softer, with something of an apology in it as he carefully knocks one or two smaller, loose feathers and down from the mess Anders has made of them, “I- I’m trying, mage,” he admits.

“I know,” Anders acknowledges quietly. Because he does. They’re not about to agree on everything, or even most things, and bickering is more or less the basis of their relationship with each other, but their squabbles have become noticeably more civil, respectful of each other’s traumas than they once were. “Me too.”

They fall quiet for a while, only the rustle of wings and slide of patient and gentle fingers sliding over feathers filling the space between them. But it’s a comfortable silence now. It is, as Fenris had suggested when he’d first brought up the possibility of this, rather intimate. Karl was the only other person who knew about his wings, and even then, trapped in the Circle as they were, he never had the opportunity to touch or to care for them like this. And it is care. So unexpected and so much Anders finds himself tearing up despite his best efforts. Fenris can’t possibly miss it, as close as he is standing to him, but the elf doesn’t make any comment, not even when Anders shifts a little to retrieve his handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his nose.

He’s finished. Fenris has left no stone unturned, no vein free from his explorative and attentive fingers, no feather out of place. Regardless of whether or not they can actually give him flight, they should do a better job of keeping the mage warm, perhaps even waterproof now if they work anything like the book on birds he borrowed from Hawke’s library knew what it was talking about. They look better. Anders does too, more relaxed for his efforts, and perhaps the relief of his brief bout of tears. Still, Fenris is reluctant to pull away just yet. When will he get another chance like this? He’s done his best, but there’s certainly no guarantee Anders will look for a repeat performance, or that he will seek the elf out when he does.

Slowly, Fenris reaches out once more for Anders’s scapulars, then slides a little higher taking the muscles of the healer’s shoulders between his thumb and fingers and digging in. Anders protests, something about it being unnecessary, and Fenris not needing to do this come to an abrupt stop, swallowed by a grateful moan when he finds and begins to work out a particularly stubborn knot.

It’s been years. The last time he’d done this had been for another mage. Danarius. This isn’t anything like that, though, the elf reminds himself, pushing out the unpleasant memories that threaten to creep in. Anders didn’t ask, the mage, this mage, didn’t demand or expect this from him. Fenris chose this. Offered it freely, and Anders expresses his gratitude and appreciation just as openly as he becomes steadily more boneless and held up by the chair he occupies.

“I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get my feet to work now,” Anders jokes softly when Fenris steps back, admiring his handiwork.

“Don’t,” Fenris replies decisively watching as Anders carefully tucks his wings back in again. And suddenly the mage is wrapped and scooped up in strong arms and being carried over and deposited onto the bed. “Go back to bed, mage. Your Clinic will keep a few hours more.”

“But-” Anders protests weakly because certainly, he is tired, but the refugees depend upon him, and this is not the guest bed he used last night. The pillows and bedding smell distinctly of the handsome elf who’s tucking him into it. And when did he start noticing what Fenris smells like?

“Resist the urge to argue with me for once, Mage,” Fenris replies softly with a smile. “You look exhausted.”

“Alright,” he agrees, eyes already half-closed with sleep, which Fenris answers with a happy hum. Anders thinks there may have been the fleeting press of something, maybe lips on his brow, but is sure when he wakes a few hours later, far better rested, he probably just dreamed it.

#dadrunkwriting #contreparry #fenders #fenris #anders #dragon age 2 #da2 #dragon age #wings!au #trans!fenris

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swimmingnewsie · 4 years

Text

Of Coffee and Cookies (Chapter 14)

...There was a reason I didn’t write fic in undergrad. But we keep pushing and keep going! Thank you for sticking with me and please enjoy this transitory chapter!

Link to AO3

---

Elsa’s head throbbed as she stared at her laptop. She knew there was work to be done, but the sight of her to-do list made her heart ache and stomach drop. Her mind was contorted with images and thoughts she didn’t want and certainly didn't need in this moment.

She took a deep breath, attempting to get some grasp on the anxiety that plagued her. Her worries came one after another after another. Anna was doing better than when they first arrived home, but Elsa couldn't help but be afraid she would regress any second. She knew that her sister didn't need her walking on eggshells; she knew that, but she couldn't help worrying anyway.

"She looks a lot more confident today."

Maren's words pulled her from her thoughts. They were working at the cafe, just like old times. Originally it was to help make Anna more comfortable going to work after the hearing; but if Elsa was honest with herself, it alleviated her own anxieties as well. Anna was safe, and no one was going to touch her on their watch. Even if it meant Elsa wasn't getting much of her own work done.

Elsa hummed in agreement. Talking was difficult today. It wasn't as bad as in her childhood when she would go silent for days or weeks at a time; but there was an old comfort in the silence. Words only cluttered her brain.

Silence.

Silence was what let him destroy her. Silence kept her as his prisoner. Silence stopped anyone from helping.

"Elsa?"

Maren's voice brought her back again, releasing her from her thoughts. Elsa looked onward, desperately trying not to feel the anxiety coursing through her body. Her eyes squinted shut as if that were the key to shutting out her thoughts. Maren's hand was warm in here. A gentle squeeze helped center her, actually bringing herself back.

"I'm okay," she said hesitantly.

Maren gave her that look, the disbelieving look that Elsa was very familiar with. "You're not. You're shaking."

"Sorry." There wasn't anything else she could say. She hated worrying Maren like this, not when there were so many other things that she could be focusing on. "I'm okay, promise. We need to get our grading done."

"There's time for that later, snowflake. I'm more worried about you." Maren's expression softened, giving her another soft squeeze. "How many cups of coffee have you had today?"

Elsa groaned. Her caffeine habits had been a frequent argument lately. She knew it made her anxieties worse; she knew she should cut back. But it made her feel like there was some kind of control, some kind of power to get her work done. Even if it wasn't the healthiest manner.

She shook what was left of her americano- her standard with two extra shots. "Only number two," she admitted softly.

Maren sighed, looking at her. "That's still ten shots of espresso, Elsa. That's not healthy You know that." Elsa could practically see her girlfriend running the numbers in her head. "800 milligrams of caffeine is double what a healthy adult should have."

"Only 750," Elsa replied, giving a small shrug. "I ordered regular, not blonde."

"You aren't helping your case. When is the last time you slept properly?"

Elsa sighed. She knew it did her no good to lie, even if it left her pride in tact. "I'm still going to bed every night, I promise." It was the truth. She simply went to bed at midnight and was up by five the next morning. Sure, she was exhausted, but at least she had the semblance of getting something done in her long hours.

Maren gave her what Elsa affectionately referred to as her teacher look, soft yet firm. "You need to relax. I know the stress you're under but you don't have to bear it alone." Maren reached forward, taking the last of her coffee. "And we should probably switch you to decaf."

"Maren," she began to protest when her girlfriend threw away her coffee, but her resolve didn't last long. She wasn't sure if it was the caffeine, her exhaustion, or love, but Elsa's heart ached. And when Maren wrapped her arms around her, she was a goner. Tears of exhaustion and worry let themselves out without her consent.

And for once, Elsa didn't mind. Anna was busy with a customer, so she wouldn't see or worry. With Maren's arms wrapped around her, Elsa let her vulnerability bleed through. It was okay to let it go.

"Let's go home."

---

"You are insane."

"Oh come on! When's the last time you've climbed a tree?"

Kristoff shook his head with a smile. "When my knees didn't crack every time I bent down."

"That's far too long! Come on, old man! It'll be perfect."

"Old man?!" Before Kristoff could protest again, Ryder was off scrambling up the large oak. "You're an idiot!" he called up with a laugh, before following him up the tree.

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot," Ryder shouted down.

Climbing was harder than Kristoff remembered. Since he took the job at Mermaid's Siren all those years ago, he hadn't spent as much time out in the woods as he wanted. Walks with Sven were generally in city blocks these days compared to the winding fields he grew up on. This park, however, felt like home.

Ryder looked down at him, smile warm and eyes bright.

It felt like home in more ways than one.

Kristoff knew deep down that he and Ryder would not get back together. He knew that he needed to move on and continue to let Ryder grow in his own right. That their friendship, while deep, would never go back to those as lovers. He was getting there slowly, but some part of him still ached for the feeling of before.

"Come on, slowpoke!"

Kristoff laughed. "I'm coming! Not all of us are graced with your athletic gifts!"

Ryder laughed in return, settling on a study branch overlooking the large park. Soon enough Kristoff was beside him, taking in the warm sun. The view was enough to make him gasp. "Beautiful right?"

Kristoff nodded, relishing in the overwhelming feeling of peace. An orange glow cast over park, the sun preparing itself to set. It reminded him of being a kid, desperate to find where the sun went at night, chasing it until his mom called him and his brother in for the night. "Do you come here a lot?"

"Not as much as I used to. But when Dad took me and Mare to the park I always made a point to climb as high as I could. Helped me think sometimes," he shrugged. "And I figured we could both use a little help clearing our heads."

Kristoff scoffed. Of course Ryder could tell something was up. Then again, everything had been up since the trial. His mom called it a turning point in all of their lives, and that couldn't be more true.

"Maybe a little."

"Maybe a lot, blondie," he teased.

The nickname made him smile. It wasn't too much, certainly not something he called him while they were dating, but it let Ryder be affectionate. And Kristoff would be lying if he said he didn't like it.

Kristoff sighed, swinging his legs back and forth. "Is this all that we're meant to be doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I've just felt stuck lately I guess. With everything that's happened, I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I don't want to be some stupid barista for the rest of my life you know? But I don't know what to be instead. I don't want to go back to school and I don't want to stay at Mermaid's and I don't know what a good option is anymore."

Working in retail wasn't thrilling for everyone if anyone, he knew that. The customers seemed to be getting worse and worse by the day, though. It was near impossible to put up with their new upper management, especially after all the crap they had given Anna over the hearing. But the benefits were good, and he was able to afford a crummy little apartment for himself. He couldn't throw it all away like it was nothing.

Kristoff picked at the bark. "I know it's stupid."

Suddenly Ryder's hand was on his. "It's not stupid. I understand. Not feeling where you're meant to be."

Kristoff raised his eyebrow. "You do?"

Ryder nodded, absentmindedly looking into the distance. "Especially with all this," he awkwardly motioned around his body, "I feel like there's somewhere... Something better for me."

Kristoff gave a nod, sighing. "I wish there was some easy fix for it all. Something to go by."

Ryder gave his hand a quick squeeze. "There may not be a guide to go by, but that doesn't mean you have to go it alone."

Kristoff gave a small huff of a laugh. "Yeah?"

He leaned in a bit, pressing forward. "Yeah. We'll both find out places."

Kristoff smiled leaning in himself. Was Ryder going to kiss him? Weren't they-

His balance fell out from under him, and with the help of quick reflexes, he was hanging upside down in the tree.

"Are you okay?!"

Ryder was hanging off the side of the tree reaching to give him a hand. Kristoff breathed in relief, panting from fear and embarrassment. Maybe he wasn't so good at reading the signs after all.

"...I'm good."

---

Anna rubbed at her eyes. It made sense to her that her nightmares had gotten worse, but it didn't make them any easier to manage. Nor was it any easier to go back to sleep after them. Hearing the sound of a clacking keyboard, she decided to get up and investigate.

Elsa was typing away feverishly on some report or other, her reading glasses practically falling off her face. A quick glance at the clock, told her it was time to intervene. They both needed sleep.

"Elsa?" she said quietly, trying not to spook her sister. Despite the efforts, her sister jumped. "Sorry, it's just me," she said softly.

Elsa's gaze softened as she turned to her. "It's okay. What are you doing up, sunshine?" she asked scooting over to give Anna some space on the couch.

Anna easily settled in, laying her head against Elsa's shoulder. "I should ask you the same thing," she said, pointing to the stacks of papers around them.

"I asked first," she said, taking her glasses off and resting against the couch.

"Same as always," Anna murmured, playing with the strings on her pajama pants. "Bad dreams about you-know-who."

"You want to talk about it? You know I'll listen."

Anna shook her head. Her sister had been a saint these last few weeks, but Anna didn't think it did her any good to ruminate on a dream she had already had three times this week. "Same one as last night. What's keeping you up?"

"Nothing really," Elsa shrugged. "A little bit of this and a little bit of that. Nothing important."

"Elsa..." She didn't believe her sister for a second. The day's makeup had worn off revealing dark baggy eyes. Not to mention it wasn't the first time she had heard Elsa typing late into the night. "Please don't hide this from me. We said no more secrets."

"First Maren, now you." Elsa sighed, giving Anna some relief. She wasn't going to hide this time. "I'm really behind on work is the issue. And my insomnia and anxiety seem to be conspiring against me," she mumbled.

Anna gave her own sad sigh. She couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. If all this hadn't happened, then her sister wouldn't be worrying her to sleeplessness. She wouldn't have been nearly as stressed or worried. She wouldn't-

"Hey," Elsa gave her hand a light squeeze, " don't blame yourself for my clerical errors."

"How did you-"

"I know that look, sunshine." Elsa poked her sister's nose, the same way their mama used to. Anna gave a small smile, enjoying the familiar comfort. "I promise, you don't need to worry about this. I can manage."

Anna's smile fell a bit. "You can, but you don't have to do it alone. You've done so much for me, how can I help you?"

"Anna, you really don't need to. I promise." Elsa gave a small yawn. "I'm okay."

Anna sighed, knowing this wasn't a battle she would win at the moment. But she could still help. "Will you lay down with me for a bit?" She saw the look of contemplation on her sister's face, weighing the pros of working versus sleeping. She couldn't help but feel happy when Elsa ultimately shut the laptop.

Soon they were both snuggled into Elsa's bed warm and content. Resting her head against Elsa's chest, Anna smiled. She had done something good, something right. And before she could even say her goodnight, she drifted off feeling better than she had in days.

#frozen #frozen fanfic #elsamaren #snow sisters #rydoff #my fic #adorable babies are adorable #i am a tired grad student #love me

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wak-after-dark · 4 years

Note

Still not able to come up with an argument about the Epilogue treating Gamzee (the murderous corpse molester) better than Jade (sat around for 3 years with depression only to have a dog dick and then be abandoned by her friends) huh? Guess you're just an idiot and willingly sucking Hussie's dick for a job at Whatpumpkin down the line. Maybe write some incest porn like IPDG and you'll get hired.

Wow get a load of this guy.

Okay I should probably just delete your comments and not give you the time of day, but you’ve been periodically sending me this kind of ask, and I really have to ask, do you really, really believe you’re someone with some sort of Moral High Ground right now? Like I’m not even defending the Epilogues as masterpieces or trying to shove them down people’s throats. I am literally just enjoying the content the WP Team put out and talking about it, and you come to my Inbox, to spew this accusatory nonsense and flinging insults. If you can’t read the Epilogues in a positive manner, and think they’re dogshit, sure, go ahead, but you’re like, trying to act like I’m some sort of brainwashed sheep and you’re trying to make me see the light. Also “Still not able to come up with an argument“ very passive-aggressive there, I have talked about the Epilogues, my opinions and takes on them, and how I feel about the way they deal with characters at LARGE here, if you haven’t bothered to look for the info, and the several responses to some of your asks, then don’t blame me for it. But sure. Let me talk about every single point you JUST mentioned here like some sort of big Masterpost, and when you don’t agree with my point either way, stop fucking harassing me on Anon, seriously you alone have been making me consider turning anon off entirely, which all things considered may just be the healthiest option I could consider, but here I am!

Okay let’s begin with Homestuck proper. Gamzee is a Villain. He’s framed as such, people have constantly shown backlash against his character because he’s got fans that would like to see him redeemed, since a good chunk of his story happens with him brainwashed or mind-altered in some sort, but every time he’s shown to go back to doing awful things and killing people. He abuses Terezi, kills Karkat, and gets killed by Kanaya in return in one Timeline, and in another he gets locked up in a fridge, ends up in Caliborn’s planet, and trying to serve his Lord just gets beaten up, shot, left half-dead, until his final appearance in which he gets cut in half and absorbed into Lord English. Then, the Epilogues happen, and he becomes the butt of a joke about undeserved redemption arcs. His very existence in Candy is a joke that he’s not worth redeeming, actually, but tries to force himself to ‘seem’ like he has, despite ruining Dirk’s funeral, making Jake and Tavros’ lives miserable, supporting a Fascist ruler, taking advantage of a potential minor, and it all ends up with him being choked, killed, and his corpse being used as a Weekend at Bernie’s joke. Like... Is that really what you consider ‘good treatment of a character’? He gets away with a lot of bullshit, but he’s like. Constantly, and consistently, shown to be unpleasant, gross and awful. Like. He’s an awful person, and a comic relief, that does fucked up shit for most of his appearance, and I am not sure how any of this can be read in any sort of positive light. I’ve seen Gamzee fans MAD at how much he gets shat on.

Meanwhile, let’s take Jade. A huge theme of her character, sadly, is loneliness and isolation. I dislike that, like many Jade fans. She’s forced into depressingly helpless situations where she lacks agency or control over her own body, or the situation she’s in, and it’s shown affecting her greatly. I want my girl to be happy as well. So when the Epilogues came, and had her getting Callie-possessed, that was bad, it was like, AGAIN she gets the shaft. I want her to be happy and do what she wants to do and be badass with her powers! But- Oh wait, none of that is what you’re complaining about!!! You keep insisting on the Dog Dick instead of any of the genuinely heartbreaking things that happen to her. Jade has a dog dick. It is mentioned once in the entire Epilogues. It mildly affects her desire to have a child with Dave, but she doesn’t even shown herself that broken up about it, and had been looking about potential alternatives, even having Rose as a surrogate. There’s not a single joke made in the Epilogues about her HAVING a dog dick, nor any sort of isolation that happens as a product of her genitalia. Is it a weird choice to canonize that headcanon? Yeah! It kind of is! But this is also a reality where Obama and Dirk make out. And if someone is uncomfortable about Jade having a dog dick, or doesn’t like her being more openly sexual, then that’s fine!!! If they have a transphobic read on Jade, that’s fine!!! You can dislike it, and Homestuck, and the Epilogues, and the writers! But I, as a trans woman myself, and one who’s horny on main a lot of the time, liked the freedom Jade expressed to just do whatever she wanted with new partners on Earth C, and her seeming acceptance and lack of conflict at just, having junk. She does fuck up with Dave and Karkat, because she pushes them a bit too hard, specially Karkat, trying to use the Quadrant System to insert herself in a Black relationship. In Candy, this culminates with political tensions breaking Karkat away from the triad, which is bad for everyone involved. But in Meat, Jade states that they can tell her to just stop and she will, because she genuinely likes both Karkat and Dave, but their feelings are too deeply bottled and complex to just come to light. Does this put some tension in her relationship with them? Yeah! Does this ISOLATE her from her friends? No! Karkat and Dave DO still wanna hang out with her even if she’s a bit too much. John and Jade apparently chat online a bunch, and Jake seemed to have a good relationship with Jade before the whole Jane thing. She is close enough with Rose and Kanaya that Rose considered the surrogate mother thing. She has friends and ties! The major things that happen to isolate her is, Karkat leaving- Caused by Jane’s rise to power- Dave dying- Caused by Ultimate Self Timeline Shenanigans- And being possessed by Callie- All things outside of her control. I want her to get her agency back, but beyond that, her, as a person on Earth C, was not abandoned by her friends, and your obsession over her dog dick as a root of her issues and the bad stuff that happens to her says more about you than about the Epilogues in my opinion.

Guess you're just an idiot and willingly sucking Hussie's dick for a job at Whatpumpkin down the line. Maybe write some incest porn like IPDG and you'll get hired.

You know what? Yeah I would love to have a role at WhatPumpkin. Because I’ve seen the people working at it do other things, and I’ve seen their passion for Homestuck. The people currently doing Homestuck love Homestuck, and this is not up for fucking debate. As for the incest porn thing? Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, and a thousand fucking times fuck you. Once again, trying to get some stupid moral high ground mentioning incest. “Oh look at me, I am criticizing someone for something they wrote years ago”, is how you actually sound, and that’s only on the surface. V from Homestuck was never confirmed to be ipgd. V got harassed, and ‘doxxed’ by dubious sources and, I believe, Kiwifarms shit was going on at that time, so that was extremely shady and shitty. And the result of them being equated ended with ipgd being told to kill themself because of old fic they’d written, which, GUESS WHAT, was actually a critic to the way Incest was extremely popular in Fanfic back then, written by ipgd themself, a god damn survivor of that same bullshit they wrote about!!! Congratulations! THAT is the kind of bullshit people like you pull. You just cling to some idea of what’s right and wrong, and end up hurting real people that’ve gone through real shit, instead of considering nuance to your actions and thinking that, HMM, PERHAPS I SHOULD NOT HARASS SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE THEY DID SOMETHING I DON’T LIKE OR HAVE AN OPINION I DON’T AGREE WITH! But nah, let’s go send death threats to people we don’t like, riiiiiiight????

My fandom wish for homestuck 2 is the characters are treated with respect but since every single one of the new authors hate women and only want dirk and jake as well as Dave and Karkat to fuck on screen while Vriska gets comphet child raped by gamzee why bother lol.

Like, I don’t even know what to say. Have you seen like... The rest of the work the WP Team is doing with Homestuck stuff? Addressing actual issues? Doing right by the characters? Acknowledging their fucked up stuff while also showing them in positive lights? A good chunk of the Team, too, is queer? Like if they were all cis straight dudes I could see your complaint but they just. Aren’t??? At all???? Even Taz, who’s probably the biggest Dirk-Jake fan around, absolutely wants the best for other characters, yes, Jade and Rose included, you are just too jaded and blinded by your perception of the Epilogues. Vriska and Gamzee... Yeah that’s iffy. I am not going to defend that, whether it was a mistake with the ages or it was just Gamzee being more awful, that was extremely nasty. There’s also like, suicide and abuse and dictatorship in the Epilogues though. All of this shit that happens is awful, but also it’s not PROMOTING it or saying it’s a good thing? It’s... Fucked up. Comphet though, I dooooooooo want to elaborate on that, because, while I do like the reading of Vriska as being more into women, she does show a near-consistent fascination for Nic Cage and, then, ARquius as someone with a similar aesthetic? Like don’t get me wrong, Vris-Rezi is absolutely the way to go and the healthy thing for Vriska, but also I am not 100% sure if you can gloss over every single one of her relationships with guys as Comphet? (Compbi? Since it’s Trolls) Not to say it justifies anything with Gamzee, that was just nasty. But I feel there’s nuance to talk about Vriska’s sexuality.

Hussie doesn't like his fans or care about Homestuck, how you can read the Epilogue and say the opposite it honestly insane and a complete bold faced lie. Any author that cares about their work would read someone demanding a character be given a dog dick and say no. Any author who cares about their work and their fans wouldn't have released such a purposely bad and painful epilogue and then demand payment for a resolution. Just give up. That's the moral of Homestuck. Give up. It's pointless.

Nah man, you’re just jaded and hurt and projecting. Hussie and the WP Team love Homestuck. It would’ve been so fucking easy to just stop doing Homestuck and move onto something, not even release an Epilogue. It’s like when Homestuck ended. People accused Hussie of a rushed ending with Act 7 back in the day, of disliking Homestuck and the Fans, of having just wrapped it up quickly, but like... If you want to wrap Homestuck up quickly... There were a million fan theories and endings out around that would’ve been so much simpler, easier and basic than what we got. The fact we got Act 7 and all it entailed, the shit the characters go through the Epilogues, of course a lot of awful shit happens, but like... Precisely? If you’re tired of doing something, you just wrap things up. You don’t set up new plot points and mess with the characters and push a new narrative outlook on something. This is the work of an experimental team that still do love the content and characters. Again, you return to the fucking Dog Cock like it’s the biggest sin the Epilogues commit. You haven’t even mentioned Jane’s fascism a single time, but you’ve mentioned Jade’s Dog Fucking Cock like fucking twenty times. Who the fuck cares about what sort of junk Jade has, the Epilogues themselves barely even care, it’s mentioned in the passing and it hardly affects a THING at all. You ask me how I can ‘read the Epilogues and see the opposite of what they say’, and I ask you the exact same thing, because despite all the awful things that happen, Rose and Kanaya keep fighting against tyranny in Candy. Kanaya realizes she’s been brainwashed and chases after Rose because she’s NOT giving up on her wife. Roxy explores their gender identity and finds new things about themself. Karkat gets to live his rebel leader dreams in one Timeline, although with a bitter split from Dave, but ends up together in a proper relationship in Meat. John’s arc in Candy about feeling isolated from a world that seems fake, before realizing his nihilism has hurt the people he cares about and wanting to fix it. Jake’s morale of ‘better late than never’, working up the courage to take Tavros away from Jane- And in HS^2, working as a double-agent trying to sabotage Jane from within? Jane’s been shown at her worst in candy, but in Meat she’s shown to still be redeemable, and that’s exactly what the team’s aiming to do, too.

Like... I can see all the bad stuff that happens. And I find the reactions of the characters to these awful situations are interesting, and the political conflict among friends and the pushing forward in such a dark situation, resonates with me, personally, and some of my own experiences? Not to say, the Epilogues are a Game Over scenario? They are a low point. HS^2 sets up to be the high point. Like... When Game Over happened, a lot of people were like “Welp, Hussie just killed everyone, lol, guess he just got tired of Homestuck”, despite the Retcon Powers being there as the obvious solution. Epilogues, lots of shit happen, and similarly there’s still like a hundred ways to build up from there to a satisfactory resolution? Storytelling can have low points you know. It hurts when it’s characters you care about, duh, specially when it plays into the weaknesses they already acknowledged but fell into again despite themselves. I see why so many people would dislike them and take a more negative vibe from them than they actually convey. But I am still baffled as to why people like you feel entitled to shit on the WP Team and send harassment and insults to people who do enjoy them. You’re not helping anything. You’re not doing anything good. You’re just being a dick.

As for the “demand a payment for a resolution”, they didn’t demand anything? I will be the first one to say that I don’t like the Extra Bonus for 5 bucks, and think it would be better if the Bonus got released like, a month or two after it has for Patrons, an ‘early access’ scenario like I do with my Patreon. And I hope they change this. But aside from that??? The Patreon is optional to support the creators because, it’s not just Hussie, it’s a big team, and they’re also using the Patreon to help them with other projects like Pesterquest and Hiveswap, because we live in a capitalistic hell world and need money to be able to pursue passion projects. The main updates every month- And twice a month starting February- Are completely free for people to read, still, the paywalled content still circulates around the community despite being paywalled, and other paid projects like, Pesterchum, for their scope and the amount of fun they’ve given me, they’re super cheap and worth it.

You ask me how I can ‘see the opposite the Epilogues say’, you tell me that I am an ‘idiot sucking Hussie’s dick for a job at WP’, you act like I am scum and brainwashed and there’s literally no reason why I should ever like something you don’t.

You know what I am though? I am happy and excited about the things I’ve been given! I am happy with the representation I’ve seen the Team push lately. I’m happy with the way the characters have been treated in Pesterquest and have high hopes for HS^2. And I am interested in the events of the Epilogues, while acknowledging that of course a lot of fucked up shit happened in them.

Back when the Epilogues happening and I was reading them, I was reading Candy at like 4 AM and was LOVING the fucked up-ness of the Timeline and wondering what may happen in Meat. I got a PM from a friend asking me to make a channel in a server I’m in, to quarantine Epilogues Discourse, and was genuinely confused as to why there was Discourse going on. I went through the rest of Candy and Meat with some dread waiting for some ball to drop and something to turn really controversial, and I finished them still enjoying them? Obviously there was a lot of awful shit. Obviously there was a lot of things people wouldn’t like. Obviously they were tales that likely alienated a chunk of the Fandom that was looking for a happy ending. But honestly, the unbridled fury and subsequent harassment of people over them is just plain embarrassing. It was confusing then, and it’s even more confusing now, well over half a year since their release, and still sending random Tumblr Blogs this kind of bullshit.

So there you go! All of your questions and your bullshit, answered! Now let’s get this out of the way: You’re not going to like my answer, you’re not going to agree with a majority of what I just said, you’re not going to CARE about any of what I just said. Spare me the fucking asks and anon hate. Just move on and do something productive with your time.

#Homestuck #Epilogues #Discourse #HSE #After Dark #Anon Hate #Long Post #Longpost

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ruthfeiertag · 4 years

Text

Random Ruminations on Depression

Preamble:

I want to take back the word ruminate. The Online Etymology Dictionary explains that the word “ruminate (v.)” dating from the 1530s, means “'to turn over in the mind,’ also ‘to chew cud’ (1540s), from Latin ruminatus, past participle of ruminare ‘to chew the cud; turn over in the mind,' from rumen (genitive ruminis) ‘gullet,’ of uncertain origin.” Merriam-Webster Online Gives the definition of ruminate as

transitive verb

1: to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly 2: to chew repeatedly for an extended period

intransitive verb

1: to chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed : chew the cud 2: to engage in contemplation : REFLECT

https://pixabay.com/photos/pensive-female-woman-window-staring-580611/

But psychology — and in general I have real respect and genuine gratitude for the healing and support psychology and psychotherapists provide; if I kept a gratitude journal, my therapist’s name would be on every page — has come near to ruining this apt word that perfectly expresses the way many of us need or choose to take the time to ponder and deliberate rather than hasten to judge or get embroiled in the consequences of an ill-considered decision. Psychology, as a field, has decided ruminate should mean obsessively thinking about whatever is bothering one, over and over and over…

I think one of the reasons this definition has become popular, not only among psychologists, but in the general public as well, is that we have such short attention spans and have come to prize speed over all else. We rush to embrace technology that robs us of our privacy, we don’t stay to watch the credits after a movie (unless there’s an added scene), we expect to know the results of every election before the votes are all counted. Take a breath, people. Being ruminative used to be a positive attribute, one that indicated one was a careful, thoughtful person, not inclined to fling one’s self pell-mell off a cliff. Now it is a weakness, a character flaw that indicates one brings one’s misfortunes upon one’s self because one can’t control one’s thoughts.

Join me in my mission. Let’s rescue ruminate. Start using it in its proper sense. Fling it with abandon into your philosophical conversations: “I was ruminating upon the meaning of life the other day and wondering just what 42 really has to do with it.” If someone tries to push you into making a snap decision, say, “You know, in order to give you the thoughtful answer you deserve, I need to ruminate on that for a day or two.” When next asked to describe yourself, pause for a moment, then declare, “I am an attentive, measured sort of person with a ruminative cast to my mind.” (Just don’t tell anyone you’re a ruminant. That will totally undermine our goal.)

And after we save ruminate, we’re coming back for you, enable.

*****************************

Every so often, the New Yorker slips a suggestion for an archived article into the Inbox of my e-mail. That how I came across Andrew Solomon’s article, “Anatomy of Melancholy,” that appeared in New Yorker’s January 12, 1998 issue. It’s a pretty harrowing description of the depths down to which depression can pull person, and of the biases that still pertain when it comes to admitting to others or to ourselves that we have a mental illness and, worse, might be so “weak” as to need chemical (or electrical) interventions. As I moved through the essay, I can upon this proffered bit of wisdom:

Accuracy of perception is not an evolutionary priority. Too optimistic a world view results in foolish risk-taking, but moderate optimism gives you a strong selective advantage. “Normal human thought and perception,“ Shelley Taylor writes in her 1989 book, Positive Illusions, “is marked not by accuracy but by positive self-enhancing illusions about the self, the world, and the future. Moreover…these illusions are not merely characteristic of human thought; they appear actually to be adaptive.” As she notes, “The mildly depressed appear to have more accurate views of themselves, the world, and the future than normal people. [They] clearly lack the illusions that in normal people promote mental health and buffer them against setbacks.”

hulki-okan-tabak-SKadYI4E7OM-unsplash-scaled

So — why are those of us with depression and accurate perceptions the ones who are mentally ill, while the “normies” with their illusions are the ones who are considered sane? Why are we the ones who are seen as less evolved? Am I the only one who thinks this assessment is a little bit off?

************************************

In a recent car commercial, actor and apparent guru Matthew McConaughey ruminates (see how easy it is to just slip the word right into a sentence?) out loud about the process of identity formation. He muses

“Knowin’ who we are is hard — it’s hard. Eliminatin’ who you are are not, first, and you’re gonna find yourself where ya need to be.”

OK: first, shouldn’t the logic of the first sentence — the search for identity — lead to a statement about finding out who one is rather than where one is? I guess that’s what happens when one infuses manufactured sagacity into an advert for a vehicle. And never mind the lack of parallel structure in the second sentence.

But what I keep thinking is, “What if we, as is recommended by Mr. McConaughey, eliminate all the people we are not, only to realize there’s no one left?” That’s kind of who-where I keep finding myself.

*********************************

An ethical dilemma: At the recommendation of a friend, I picked up Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, by Daniel G. Amen. M.D. I haven’t read very far into it, but so far there are some sensible observations about the practicality of having one’s brain scanned for damage so one knows whether medical or psychotherapeutic remedies are most likely to be beneficial. However, on page twenty-nine, our friend the doctor discusses thing that hurt the brain and things that help the brain. Under malign influences, Dr. Amen notes that “even spending time with unhealthy people [is] bad for the brain.” OK: I can see how that can work.

In the next paragraph, Dr. Amen lists things that can boost the brain. This list includes the point that “In many ways, the best thing you can do for your brain is to spend time with healthy people. As we will see, they are contagious. I often say the fastest way to get healthy is to find the healthiest person you can stand and then spend as much time around him or her as possible.” That also makes sense.

BUT — and you may already see the problem here — let’s say I’m a healthy person. I know an unhealthy person, someone with, say, depression, someone who would immensely benefit from spending time with me. Yet if I do spend time with that person, I’ll be engaged in an activity that will be detrimental to my own grey matter. On the other hand, if I choose to protect myself by shunning the depressed person, I’m selfishly depriving her or him of my beneficial “contagion” and preventing that person from attaining the flourishing cerebrum she or he deserves. (Unless, of course, that person has been ruminating. In that case, she or he deserves all the melancholy that infests her or his soul. [That’s an example how NOT to use the word ruminating.]) I’m either allowing harm to come to myself or withholding aid from another, which makes me a pretty lousy human being, and knowing that I’m a pretty lousy human will depress me.

Now let’s imagine that I am the unhealthy person, and I know a tremendously healthy person, in whose salubrious presence I never fail to rally. I have a lot of time on my hands. I easily could spend days with this person and notably sharpen my dulled mental functions and ameliorate my debilitating mood. However, by latching on to this bloom-imparting individual, I will be causing harm to that person’s well-being and will likely disrupt her or his equilibrium. That would make me an insensitive parasite, sucking the life out of someone for my own ends, and being such a draining leech would make me feel horrible and depressed.

So what to do? I hate lose-lose, damned-if-you-do-or-don’t, caught-between- Scylla-and-a-hard-place options.

**********************************

And then Will Wheaton put this up on his Blog:

報復性熬夜

Revenge Bedtime Procrastination, which has a much more beautiful name in Chinese (the literal translation for revenge bedtime procrastination means “suffering through the night vengefully.”), is a phenomena unique to people who feel out of control in their daily lives, so we refuse to go to sleep early, to exert some control over our lives, and to enjoy some quiet time alone, when the rest of our people are sleeping.

I should confess, straight up, that I am, by nature, a night owl. It runs in the family. But I love both this concept and its name. Between the depression and the M.E. and the State of the Union, I’m having an increasingly hard time getting any sleep. I just wish being AWAKE YES I’M AWAKE YES I DO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS OH ISN’T THAT A LOVELY SUNRISE? would wreak some actual vengeance on the conditions and people who are responsible for my near-insomnia.

*****************************

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay https://pixabay.com/photos/fantasy-face-branches-woman-3317298/

I hope my ruminations provide some conceptual cud for your synapses, dear reader, to masticate at the pace of your choosing. And don’t forget: enable is still waiting for us to effect an heroic rescue, one worthy of our idiom.

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 4 years

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I hope it's okay if I ask you a question. When I read what fans want for Sam and Cas, there's some really great stuff. For Dean, though, meta writers pretty much just focus on his sexuality and his relationship with Cas. Destiel is my OTP and I'd be over the moon if bi Dean finally accepted Cas' love. But there's more to Dean than just his relationships with Cas and Sam. I love your take on Dean so I was wondering - is there anything else you'd like to see for him this season and as end game?

Please always feel free to ask me questions!! It might take a while for me to answer because I am always fighting against time and time always wins -_-

Honestly when I talk about Dean’s sexuality I don’t really intend it as “strictly” about his sexuality in the sense of whom he bangs, but in a larger sense about identity and his way of perceiving himself and having a good relationship with who he is. It is a bit of a shorthand for Dean’s general sense of identity and way of relating to himself and others.

It’s a complex topic because different writers/showrunners over the course of the show seem to have written Dean from different perspectives on his relationship with sexuality. Fans have different ideas/headcanons of how Dean relates to his sexuality--a lot of fans read him as a repressed bisexual that doesn’t act on his attraction to men and possibly doesn’t even acknowledges it to himself, which is not the way I read him, I lean more on a John Shiban-era image of Dean as perfectly aware of being “different” and having a complex relationship with that, a mixture of pride and conflict. But it’s also true that the earlier season tend to portray Dean like that more than recent seasons have.

I am definitely not a fan of “everyone knows Dean is bisexual/in love with Cas but Dean”, which rubs me in a bad way especially when the focus is on “Sam knows” because the idea of Sam knowing Dean, and especially Dean’s sexuality, better than Dean does is something I’m really not into.

That said, yeah, I’m also a “Destiel shipper” in the larger sense of the word although sometimes I feel I’m more of a Dean fan to really fit in with the “mainstream” Destiel fandom (but not bitter enough to fit in with the bitter Dean fans...) which can be tricky because, for instance, right now I really don’t click with the most popular take on Dean and Cas’ “breakup” (you know, yas Cas dump his ass). I’ve also been through all those years when we discussed Dean and Sam’s relationship through the lens of the infamous “toxic codependency” to the point I don’t really feel the expression has a meaning anymore...

What I want to see for him is mostly find a healthy balanced way to... exist as himself. A way that works best for him. Of Dean’s “coping mechanisms” has been said so much over the years, not always in ways I agree with. “Healthy” and “unhealthy” are relative concepts when it comes to coping mechanism; the trauma is inherently bad, but the ways we cope with it have a margin of positive value for what help they can give us. Clearly something like drugs is “unhealthy” and one should make an effort to find a better alternative, but even “bad” coping mechanisms like alcohol and drugs are a way to self-medicate. A coping mechanism is a way we use to take care of ourselves, and Dean has been through a journey where he’s tried out different coping mechanisms and tried to find something that works best for him, with all the due relapses and regressions of the case. Look at the latest episode, or when he stayed holed in his room eating pizza - technically, it’s a “bad” attitude because he’s staying in the bunker watching tv and eating not the healthiest food the market offers, but he is taking care of himself. His life has been so filled with violence and abuse and lack of control, I would like if Dean weren’t so judged for indulgences.

I think I was going somewhere but went on a tangent...

Anyway, I think that Dean’s endgame should not require him to change much of who he is. The circumstances around him should change, not him. There’s not really a big lesson I think he needs to learn. He and Cas need both to work on their relationship, the fact they’re having issues is not solely on Dean. Just because Cas said I love you while literally dying doesn’t mean he did all he could and had to do for their relationship. The way some people paint it, it seems like Cas is so open about his feelings and love for Dean and Dean is a ball of repression that can’t say it back. Dean is dealing with things that go way beyond Cas right now.

Speaking of which, I think a fully complete endgame would have Mary alive, or, better, to be revealed not to be really dead. The hints are there, although of course they’re ambiguous enough that I’m not saying I’m convinced of it. But still.

Some might say that Dean needs to learn to let her go and deal with the trauma of losing her, but Mary has a significance wider than “the mom”, she belongs to a semiotic area of repressed femininity and the cosmic darkness and all that jazz (I never got the “Amara is witchcraft” reveal I was hoping for in the beginning of season 11, but we’ve been getting some interesting things in regards of witchcraft and alchemy and I can’t say I’m not content), and Eileen coming back from water makes me optimistic about our chances here, the latest few episodes have a mini-theme of fire versus water and we know what’s the most narratively important thing that burned in the show.

I’m not sure I answered your question, but I don’t really have a “wishlist”. Okay, if I really need to, I would be very very happy if the show explicitly linked John’s return with Chuck’s machinations, but if 14x13 was like that more because of external pressures than Dabb’s will, then they probably don’t want to dig it up again.

What are your thoughts?

#my spn thoughts #dean #spn #anon

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mrtroy · 4 years

Text

Happy to be Here

This post is about more of my personal journey as a person over the last year. As I sat down to write it, a twinge of thought came into my head about whether write something about myself in the midst of a pandemic.

There are so many things going on in the world with grand significance, and the overarching theme of my upcoming words is: Things are pretty good for me right now…

But, I will continue with these words in the hopes that they can help someone who is still in the wilderness so to speak, and could use some encouragement that things can and probably will improve if you keep pressing onward.

So, here we go.

-- If you’ve read my blog over the years, you’ve heard me talk about some of my struggles with relationships, maturity and personal growth. I usually try to find lessons in what’s happening to me, and I try to put positive spins on things before I stop writing.

Right now, it seems like a lot of the mental work that I’ve done over the last few years is paying off.

I’m in a relationship I love with a girl I love. I am adjusting to the new job I got last year and things are better there than they have ever been. Covid, while awful, has allowed for life to simplify in some ways – less travel, fewer activities – and has allowed me to prioritize family a bit more than in the past. I’m healthy. My loved ones are healthy.

Yesterday was my birthday, and birthdays have a way of making reflection easier. It’s somewhat easy to think about what’s happened in your life since your last birthday.

Meeting Ashley in the last year has been the most significant thing to happen to me – maybe ever. It’s amazing to think about how good things have a way of compounding with other good things to help get us to better places in our lives.

After meeting Ashley last August, I definitely got a big boost of confidence. Here was this caring, successful, grounded, faith-focused, attractive person who enjoyed my company. After two years of unsuccessful attempts at dating, simply having someone like Ashley express interest in me made me feel a lot better about myself. Before we met, things were looking up – I had just recently decided to look for a new job, and the prospects of finding one had me in good spirits. I had also recently lost 40 lbs. and that was also helping to boost my confidence as well.

In the end though, she was definitely the push over the hump in confidence that I needed to finally take a new job. To move into the city. And in some respects, to continue to chase after a lot of the good things I was striving for in my life.

This past year has been the healthiest year of my life from a relationship standpoint, and I’ve spent some time thinking about why I think that is. I always find it helpful to try to understand why something is going well, rather than just figuring it was ‘meant to be,’ or that ‘I deserved it.’

I do think there is a bit of ‘meant to be’ in what Ashley and I have found together, but at the same time, I think I needed to do a lot of work in between my past failed relationships and this one. I think I needed to take responsibility for the outcomes I hoped would come in a relationship and be disciplined to try to make sure I did all I could to ensure that the results came to fruition.

As a younger man, I often lacked confidence when bumps in the road surfaced in my relationships. When those bumps showed up, I assumed the worst. I often was very hard on myself when things didn’t go according to plan and sometimes acted in self-sabotaging ways to confirm that the bumps were real and insurmountable.

Looking back now at many things from the past, I see patterns of self-sabotage that were likely a product of a person with low self-esteem. Rather than working through hardships that are often quite common in relationships, I often intentionally made things worse as a way to confirm to myself that a challenge was too big, or that I wasn’t mentally strong enough to overcome it.

Rereading those words now – and also knowing the pain I caused myself and my former significant others – it makes my heart ache.

The biggest blessing of the failed relationships in my past was the fact that as I met Ashley, I felt good enough about myself as a person at the beginning of our time dating to say, ‘Okay, this time, from the bottom of my heart, I’m going to give this everything I have. When I feel insecure, when I’m scared, when I want to just do something to take something from bad to worse just really confirm how challenging something really is, I’m going to try to remember what I really want to come from our relationship.’

Somehow, in the midst of past struggles, I tended to forget what I was hoping for. What I had been praying for. Did I want to find joy? Or did I want to wallow in pain, sadness, or trial?

I sometimes see people post things on social media with the sentiment, ‘Choose joy.’ And, in some cases it seems a bit hokey. Like, when you have the option to respond to something challenging, or you’re faced with struggle, how do you react?

In a vacuum, it’s easy to say, well, of course I want to choose the more joyful option, or the more joyful solution.

But in reality, that hadn’t been what I had done when faced with challenging circumstances in past relationships.

And so, as I think back on a year with more joy relationship wise than I can ever remember, I can’t help but credit a better attitude towards choosing joy.

Finally this year, I have been able to catch myself in the face of certain challenges before I lose my grip and before I go down the road of self-sabotage or sulking. I haven’t been perfect, and there have still be a few times where I have recognized myself letting certain circumstances get the best of me. But by and large, this has been a good year.

Ashley deserves a lot of credit for helping to create an environment in our relationship that allows for uncertainty and imperfection to be celebrated and not frowned upon. But also, I think a lot of it comes from constantly asking myself, ‘Do you want this to end well? Do you want a favorable outcome? Do you want joy? Or, do you want pain? Do you actually want the negative outcome that you’re mulling over in your head and considering self-sabotaging yourself towards?’

Sometimes life throws tough circumstances at us. Sometimes the natural course of change brings uncertainty. And a lot of those things can’t be mitigated either way.

But for the things that I can control – especially as I try to get a better handle on my emotions – I have found so much strength just in reminding myself that I do want good outcomes. That together, we can figure things out, and I don’t gain anything by meeting tough circumstances with self-sabotaging behavior.

At the root of being able to do that is the reminder that I am loved. That I am enough. That I don’t have to be perfect to enjoy positive outcomes in life. And, that when the positive outcomes don’t come, in the overwhelming majority of cases, things will still be okay. When I fail, my ego or my pride may get hurt, but, that doesn’t have to be the beginning of a roller coaster towards self-loathing or self-sabotage.

I share this today, as we come to the close of one of the better years I’ve ever had, as encouragement. If you’ve struggled in the past with how to respond to challenges, or if you’ve struggled with self-confidence and because of it have not acted how you may have wanted in the face of hardship, it’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect. But, however you feel, and wherever you are in that process, you are enough. You are loved, and you are loveable. The dreams you have in your head aren’t too big. You’re not too flawed to achieve them.

Those are the lies we tell ourselves when we’re scared. Those are the lies we allow to run free when we’re not sure if something is too hard, or whether we have the ability to overcome whatever we’re facing.

Find comfort, my friend. The road may be long, and certain patches may seem dark. But, continue to dream. Continue to envision the positive outcomes you want, and go for them!

My life has been so much better since I started doing this, and I would love it if this approach helped you on your journey as well.

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