because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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You have 90 minutes to complete. (original poem: r.a.)
In participation of the MCYT Recursive Exchange 2024 hosted by @mcytrecursive!
Inspired by know that all my love will be your breath (i will save you when your lights go out)
[text under cut]
1. Have you ever been in love?
(Please circle your answer.)
a. It's me and him
b. Our hearts beat in sync
c. Our lives intertwined
2. Do you understand what you’ve done?
(Please circle your answer.)
a. I couldn't do anything
b. I lost my balance
c. I doomed us both
3. It's been god knows how long since you felt phantom hands on your neck and there is no one in sight. If you were soul-bound to him and both of you died at the same time then why are you still waiting in the void?
Please answer clearly, in full sentences.
(Not a correct answer:I just wanted to see him one more time).
4. Define two (2):
Fate | The feeling of his forehead against yours
Curse | The moment you realise he isn't linked to you anymore
5. True or False:
i. It was your fault.
ii. You wish you had met him under different circumstances.
iii. You can’t regret a single moment that you had him.
iv. You would do it all over again if you could.
v. It ended long before either of you said anything.
thumbnails:
sketch cover thing for imgur link:
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Prompt 162
“So,” Danny drawled from where he was sitting, legs kicking slightly. Really, what a fun reincarnation. A world with heroes and villains where he didn’t have to do shit in and could just vibe with Ellie.
“So,” Tim responded from where he was typing on his computer, mostly in civilian clothes save for his gauntlets and boots. The Red Robin outfit was haphazardly dropped across the couch and his pole leaning against the end.
“Technically there’s proper procedures for clones…” Danny motioned to both himself and Ellie from where they sat on the counter, snacking on a plateful of scones. From Alfred, he was certain.
“Technically, yes… but do we want to actually do that?”
All three of them smiled, something almost feral in the motion. Of course not. They all had the same memories after all, and Bruce had just returned from the past, from exactly where and when Tim had said he was. Despite no one believing him, hence why they were in his boathouse, and not in the apartment or manor.
“Think we can pull it off?” Ellie took a sip of tea, mischief swirling in her eyes.
“Of course we can.” Both Danny and Tim spoke at once, one pulling up a new doc and the other pulling the whiteboard out from under a curtain.
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what's the stupidest/silliest looking frog you know of?
Oh
heck
that's
such
a
great
question
where
do
I
even
start?
[In order of appearance: Glyphoglossus molossus, Myobatrachus gouldii, Choerophryne proboscidea, Nasikabatrachus sahyadrensis, Pipa pipa, Litoria pinocchio, Triprion petasatus, Synapturanus danta, Breviceps verrucosus, Notaden bennettii, Hemisus guttatus, Hemiphractus bubalus]
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Here is a dream Jimmy has had again and again: he is sitting in a cage.
It is, he thinks, probably not a particularly nice birdcage. No one’s bothered to gild it; maybe he should consider it lucky for the white polymer enameling that means the bars don’t rust, but in some ways, it’s more insulting that no one’s tried to dress up that it’s a cage. There is straw on the bottom, a water dish, a small plate of fruit. There are mirrors and colorful bells and perches hanging from the ceiling. There is a knife on the floor, half-hidden by the straw and so polished that it almost looks like a mirror.
As he starts to pull his hands away from the straw he’s been sat upon, recoiling from the knife for reasons he doesn’t know how to explain, he can see he’s not alone. There’s a bird in here with him, a little yellow canary. (Of course there is.) The bird mostly hops, rather than flying, but its wings aren’t clipped; it could fly if someone let it out of the cage. It has a lovely song, and it sings it over and over, as though it doesn’t know what else to do when it’s locked in.
That’s normally when Jimmy looks for the door, then. There’s a little black digital lock holding the cage shut. It’s on the wrong side of the bars and the bars are too close together for him to reach anyway. The first time he had the dream, he spent the whole time there, trying to figure out how to get at the lock. He couldn’t figure it out, though, not before he suddenly stopped being able to breathe.
The rest of the times he’s had the dream, he’s bothered to look outwards. There, he sees people; many of them are familiar, but most of them are strangers, blurry figures that are only distinctive in that all their eyes are looking at the cage. He yells for their attention, rattles the cage, rages, and sometimes, one of the familiar faces sees him. Tango and Joel at least tried the lock; they didn’t know the passcode any more than he did. Others talk to him, but don’t bother with the lock. Jimmy tries not to be angry. It’s not like it will open without the code.
No one else seems to see him at all, though. They’re too focused on the bird. His words steadily get more and more drowned out by the birdsong, even as the room starts to heat up and smoke starts to coil on the ground. By that point, not even the people who know Jimmy seem to be able to hear him over mesmerizing birdsong, and as he desperately tries to get someone’s attention, vision swimming in and out, desperately tries to reach the lock again, do anything, nothing happens.
And then, one time, they turn to look at him as the bird succumbs before he does to the smoke.
They still don’t get the door open in time.
But the last time Jimmy has the dream, it’s shown him what to do.
He picks up the knife.
And as he exits the mine with blood and yellow feathers on his hands, he does not regret it at all.
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