#having such a hard time articulating WHY this is making me sob but it is!

[grossditz]

hii idk if it’s weird but can you write like gyuvin as a stalker and he forces you to do it with him…!! ahh idkkk

pairings｜kim gyuvin x f!reader

wc｜1.9k

warnings ｜ dom!gyuvin，sub!reader，stalker gyuvin，delusional gyuvin，noncon，dubcon，kissing，choking，gyuvin is really manipulative，groping，crying，nipple play，breeding，gyuv calls you dolly + baby，unprotected sex，dumbification，reader kinda goes braindead

an｜not weird at all love ☁️☁️☁️ i'm so sorry this took me so long but i hope you enjoy and visit back soon !!!

it was too hard to swallow the lump in your throat. heart hammering against your chest while you pressed your ear to your apartment door, suddenly angry you forgot to talk to the landlord about providing peepholes.

this was so childish. you were too old to be scared of little creaks of doors, but you were and you couldn't shake it. something— someone has been watching you for weeks now.

paranoia had become your best friend. checking if doors were locked every ten minutes, counting the amount of steps it takes to get from your office to the comfort of your home, avoiding standing near any windows, afraid if you were too close, too aware, that someone would be standing there. your life hasn't been in ease for weeks. finally hearing the quiet knock on your front door at two am reassured you more than it should've. you weren't crazy. you knew this whole time. but now that whoever it is has the advantage to get to you surely made that reassurance turn to fear. mumbling, "what am i gonna do...?" pacing around the area, as if he can't hear you.

"come on dolly. let me in."

gyuvin could make out any of your sudden movements. quivering voice breaking into long heaves of breaths the longer he jiggled around your door knob. he could already imagine the frown on your face, pretty cheeks wet and hot. finally, after weeks he could have you. "I can tell you’re inside, you forgot to turn the lights off baby.”

the sound of one of your quiet sobs from the other side of the door made his heart hurt. broke it down into pieces the longer the sobbing went on. why were you crying ? why were you so afraid ? It was only him, the man you’ve been seeing for almost a year.

"please leave me alone." your whole body is shaking, trembling hands forcing the door shut. not knowing who exactly was outside made your face darken. you were beyond scared.

"don't wanna hurt you," he tilted his head, though you couldn't see him. his whole demeanor, as if hes not harassing a stranger right now, was filled with too much calmness. “please let me in pretty.”

your eyes were teary and full. there weren't any words in your mouth, finding it extremely hard to think of anything but whats going to happen. and as your sobs went more silent, so did he. and for a while there was a deep silence where you could only hear him breathing behind the door. as quietly as possible, you reached for the house phone, and slowly started moving your shaky fingers tapping the numbers, heart out of your chest. this was eerie. he was too silent.

"no one will come. who would listen to you the way you've been acting recently?" you froze, your finger hovering the last number. "its past two. theres no one but us.”

the sobs escaping your lips in a broken rhythm again made him feel like the walls were caving in. he hated how in pain you sounded. pressing his forehead to the door, he whispered in a honey-coated voice, closing his eyes. "listen to me baby. put the phone down and open the door. i told you, i won't hurt you."

his words were too easy to get addicted to. so well spoken and articulate, slipping into your brain like a virus. slowly you put down the phone, rising to your feet. "If I let you in, you promise you’ll take what you want and leave?" your little voice inquired with such insecurity, making his lips stretch into a small smile. "I promise.”

you were too stupid to believe a stranger. unlocking the door and stumbling back onto the couch. soon, like a wounded puppy, you started appearing in gyuvin's view. pretty and angelic despite the way your lips burned red for how hard you'd been chewing.

"why so scared?" he made a step to approach you, chest now bumping into yours, forcing you deeper into the couch cushions. your eyes watered again, refusing to lift your head and look at him directly. "please... take anything.."

gyuvin smiled, a breathy laugh passing his lips. he caressed your cheek, cold fingers making you shiver more in his hold. his other hand slowly worked its way beside your head, trapping you. "didn't answer my question baby." you physically couldn't speak. voice knocked out from his overwhelming presence.

gripping your face and pulling you closer to him, gyuvin muttered, “why are you scared?” his words were punctuated, eyes serious and dark staring into yours. “i'm s–s–scared...” you responded. your mind was going numb looking at him, his cologne filling your senses making you hazy.

the same hand that held onto your chin trailed down your neck, meticulous and slow while gyuvin watched you, doe eyes staring into his, almost making him feel bad about what he wants to do to you. sighing deeply his hand attached to your throat, grip strong enough to make your eyes flutter. you couldn't stop the whimper from escaping your lips as he tilted his head, pressing the tip of his nose against your cheekbone.

“don't be. m' gonna take good care of you.” he whispered before pressing a kiss to your cheek. "i promised."

your body was so weak against his and the kisses he pressed up your jaw had your knees buckling, on the verge of begging him to do anything but touch you. his free hand wandered down to your waist, fingers slipping to grope your breast. "i'd never hurt a pretty girl like you."

nothing in your brain could comprehend the feelings that were forming inside of you when gyuvin ripped the front of your top, pulling it off in one movement. "baby... you don't seem so excited? don't you want this?" his voice was sickenly sweet yet his face visibly hardened when you scrunched up, eyes drifting to the ceiling. gyuvin didn't say or do anything. firm hands still holding you against him while silence filled the air again. then he was leaning in to kiss you. soft, slow and addicting. he kissed you until your lipgloss was rubbing off and latched onto his skin instead.

"pretty thing..." his words trailed, eyes looming over your body, "be good will you."

he was kissing you again. harsher, making you feel limp and unable to do anything but accept the fate you brought to yourself. he grunts against your mouth, hands traveling to your sides and pressing you further to him. you were so perfect, all he's ever dreamed of. all he wanted to do was pull shaky moans from you, mold you into his forever.

the next few minutes were intoxicating. gyuvin's grip suffocating you, his hands everywhere. and the next thing you know, his pants are hanging over your couch leg and hes tearing your panties, welcoming your bare skin onto his clothed one, marking you with his scent.

"all mine. no one can ever have you. my pretty doll, wanna ruin your precious face."

you whimpered on his lips, because he was flipping you over, now perched on his lap while his hands gripped your sides and started moving your naked cunt against the bulge in his boxers, your poor clit throbbing from the friction and dampening his underwear. "c'mon make a mess on me."

"i–i– no! st–op!” you clung to his shoulders, trying to gain more friction by rubbing your clit against him despite begging him to let you go. gyuvin swallowed a deep breath, a bruising hold on your skin as he leaned in to kiss you again.

"been waiting for this haven't you pretty? soaking right through me. you wanted this."

"gonna cum! please!" you screamed when his hands reached for your breasts to play with your nipples, lips wrapping around the bud. your back was arching, hands smashing down on his shoulder the closer you got to release. gyuvin thought your body was the prettiest thing he never deserved seeing, a sacred treasure. "cum on me. let me hear all the pretty sounds you can make baby.”

coming undone above him hit you heavy. throwing your head back, eyes rolling so far you could see the whites. so perfect you were. “please....” your voice meak and brittle as you came down from your orgasm. gyuvin placed a kiss on your left breast, right above your heart. "shh."

his entire being was consuming you. willingly subjecting yourself to him as prey, buttering yourself up for him with a single kiss. you convinced yourself you didn't want this, pawing at his chest, asking him to give you more while your eyes stayed zipped closed. he wasn't the one you wanted. you never wanted this. but still when he aligned his tip with your dripping entrance, you couldn't help the way your head fell victim, drooping onto his shoulder.

"fuck dolly," he cursed at the feeling of your tight walls squeezing him, forcing him inside. “pussy's been waiting for me? so tight and ready baby."

your insides swallowed him, as easily as you swallowed his useless promise. and with every thrust in you, the waves of repetition started dissolving you, crumbling you down. your hands were holding him as if you were not his anchor first, saving him from the darkness looping him in.

watching your bouncing breasts whilst you rode his cock, gyuvin didn't want to miss anything. afraid you'd disappear if he looks away once.

It was all too much, overwhelming all your senses and making your skin feel sticky.

too drunk in the feeling of your second orgasm coming right away, you only whimpered, hips stuttering above him. his hand flew to your neck, squeezing it like before. "you know you have to ask baby.“ you whine, starting to feel too lost, "use your words." the heat building up in your core began exploding with his hand choking you, the feeling in your gut controlling you like a puppet master.

"inside! please! cum inside!!"

"fuck baby i'll give you everything." he thrusted his heavy hard cock inside you, making you reach your high. “gonna fucking break you."

you were letting him use you like a ragdoll until he was gushing and pumping his thick cum into your womb. you felt so dumb, eyes already drifting closed on his shoulder.

gyuvin brought your head back up, looking you in your pretty droopy eyes. all fucked out just for him. intoxicated. "baby belongs to me right? gonna let me keep you all to myself? you promise?"

you nodded dumbly, drool seeping past your mouth and into his arm making a silly smile spread your newly captors face. pressing your bare chest to his, groaning at the feeling of your perky nipples against his torso.

"my good little girl. all mine.”

his words were soaked in underlying intentions. and you knew but you couldn't stop the way you were pressing deeper into his skin, merging all you had into him.

© grossditz ⋆｡ °✩ 2023

#gyuvin ୨୧ #zb1 smut #zerobaseone smut #zb1 hard hours #zerobaseone hard hours #zb1 hard thoughts #boys planet smut #kim gyuvin smut #gyuvin smut

[elusivecagedmockingbird]

Bad Omens

[jungkook x reader] [1.8k+ smut, angst; two-part series]

these bad omens, I look right through them, that's what you do when you love somebody

-

The raging buzz you feel collides with the mellow hum of the love song Jungkook has playing on the car stereo.

Each movement you make, a huff and a puff escapes your lips. Your eyes shooting icy daggers at your husband.

Feeling ignored, you pivot your attention to the seemingly endless road home. Your final act was crossing your arms and making sure he hears your snappy and annoyed tsk.

Unbeknownst to you, Jungkook has been trying really hard to be patient with you. His energy has been drained up to the last drop during the baby shower you attended. When you both said your goodbyes to your friends, he anticipated a calm drive, but no, for some unknown reason, you decided to flip your bitch switch on him.

Spotting a lay-by, Jungkook swerves the car to the side of the road.

"Why are we stopping here?" Your confusion momentarily eclipses your irritation at the sudden stop. The knot in your brows undoing, and for the first time since you left Jin hyung's home, you and your husband make eye contact.

"Well, Y/N," he huffs particularly at the utterance of your name. "I'm not taking you home with that attitude. So, tell me, what's wrong?"

You scoff. Now you're offended, and when you feel this way, you can't help but be petty. All reason and ability to communicate goes out the window.

"You already know what pissed me off." You unbuckle your seatbelt and attempt to get out of the car, ready for a dramatic exit. But as soon as you unlock the car, Jungkook locks your door from his side.

You grunt, fingers pushing the unlock button. Without missing a beat, he locks it again. You groan in annoyance, and Jungkook 'patiently' waits for you to spill what you've been holding back.

You harshly lean yourself on the seat. Defeated and frustrated, you glare at the doe eyes staring at you. "You embarrassed me back there," your simmering rage starts to bubble in your throat as you choke out a sob. Already tearing up at the mere thought of it as you try to articulate your anger. "You told our friends you never have to deal with me getting baby fever because I lack maternal instinct."

You furiously wipe at the tears freefalling from your eyes. "I mean what kind of husband says that about their wife?"

It was quiet for a moment. Too quiet, and you felt uncomfortable being around the person you love and trust the most. You stifled your sniffles.

Across from you, Jungkook looked like a fish coming up for air, with his lips puffed open and closed. He was speechless and motionless.

Jungkook knew he screwed up when he made that remark. He couldn't even backtrack nor come up with an excuse for it. Sure, you were privy to your emotions even to him, your husband of three years, but he had no reason to be telling people those. But he swears he only wanted your friends to get off his back. He felt like he was in a pressure cooker from all the bombarding comments and questions about when he would have a kid. He could only hope you hadn't heard it back then.

Clearly, he was wrong.

"Sweetheart," he placates, his hands warming your cold face as he cups and wipes the tears. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. That—that was really wrong of me to say." Jungkook pulls you to his chest, and your dam breaks. You're only glad your sobs were muffled. One of your hands curls at the lapel of his leather jacket and the other is clenched, throwing weak, harmless blows to his shoulder.

You stay curled up together inside the car. None of you knows how long, but in that shared silence, he was able to comfort you when he couldn't with words.

The loud clattering of ice and rain falling on your car rouses you. Groaning as you crack your strained neck, you shake Jungkook awake.

"Jungkook, we gotta get home." With a voice as hoarse as yours, he curses and sits up to stretch.

With eyes still squinting with sleep, Jungkook starts the car, then drives away.

-

"Wake up," a voice purrs. The voice is breathy and pointed. It tingles you in all the right places. A sudden surge of pleasure erupts from your core. Still sleep-laden, you softly whimper as your hand aimlessly touches your crotch—aching for release.

Your name is called again. This time, the voice was loud enough for you to recognize it to be your husband's. Your eyes flutter as you look down between your heaving chest, "J-Ju-Jungkook," you moan.

"Breakfast in bed, sweetheart." The proud man between your legs smirks at you, then when he's sure he has your attention, he sticks his tongue out until the tip reaches your clit and flits his tongue up and down.

"Shit, baby," you pant. The spaces between your fingers are filled with his soft hair. You tug his head closer, urging him to devour you.

You hear Jungkook chuckle. The vibration adds to the blinding arousal you're experiencing, causing you to carelessly throw your head back to the soft pillows.

He pulls your legs closer and rests your thighs on his shoulders—his hand cupping your ass. You gasp and your body starts to quiver until your arousal squirts out of you. Jungkook slurps you like his morning orange juice—drinks you in like he was wandering in the desert and he found an oasis in you.

"Sweetest breakfast ever. But I'm still hungry, babe." Jungkook wipes his mouth with his hand while he kneels on the bed to position his hips between your legs. With a cocky smirk, Jungkook immediately pumps two of his fingers into your pussy.

"Shit. Fuck. Jungkook," you wail, body thrashing in your bed. You push your hips towards his hands and you were quick to cum again.

Jungkook leaves kisses on every inch of your skin until he reaches your lips. You slip your tongue in his mouth and bite his lip, evoking a satisfied hum.

"My turn," you propose as you push him on his back.

-

"Okay, answer this, do you want to have a kid now?" You stare at your husband's eyes as yours starts to sting with the brimming tears you're trying to keep at bay.

You want to stay level-headed, not be driven by your emotions. You need to talk to him, Y/N—you remember your mom telling you. She was right. This was a talk between you and your husband, but it's difficult, and somehow, all your talks start with you with your hands up already in defense.

"I want what you want, Y/N." He sighs.

Jungkook was tired—not because of or from you, but physically. Going out straight all night was taking its toll on his body, and with that, he was prone to being more irritable.

"Christ," you cry out. "It's sentiments like those that make me feel like shit, you know?" You grunt in frustration. You look away from him, but your body remains close to his. You want to walk away, but you keep reminding yourself this talk needs to be done. And so, you plant your feet on the ground.

"You think I'm supposed to swoon and love you even more when you tell me you want what I want, but all I feel is I'm alone in making a decision that's too heavy for one person to make." Your confession was sharp on your tongue and it drove daggers to Jungkook's heart.

You recoil at seeing Jungkook's eyes moisten with tears.

"I-I know you love me, Jungkook. But—"

"No buts." He cuts you off. "I love you, Y/N. And I want to have a baby with you."

"You can't just say that." Your voice was soft, like you were worn out, but your eyes remained hopeful as they searched for truth in his.

Jungkook closes the gap between your bodies and leans his forehead against yours. In a whisper, in a voice he hopes would come across as sincere that it mirrors his heart, he re-affirms.

Happy tears fall from your eyes and you kiss him. "Take me home."

Even with the most mundane tasks, Jungkook looked good. Some days, like today, he looked too good.

You slowly pop each button to open your dress. Jungkook remains focused on the road, still clueless to your provocation. You proceed to slip your fingers under your dress, removing the flimsy cloth you call underwear.

At the sound of your seatbelt unfastening, Jungkook looks your way, and it's comical how his mouth pops open.

He swerves on the free road until pulling to a stop. "Are you trying to get us killed?"

Arms outstretched to the dashboard due to his sudden turn, you scoff, "How could you drive that badly?"

"Badly? Are you..." Jungkook faces you. "You're the one out here flashing me. Thank fuck we're alone on the road."

Embarrassed, you impishly grin. With your tits still out and your dress hitched higher on your thighs, Jungkook gulps at the sight.

Catching his reaction, you smirk before climbing on his lap. He lets you. The adrenaline from your near-demise turned to lust. Jungkook grips your hips, hands pushing your dress to reveal your leaking cunt. You, on the other hand, frantically unbuckle his belt before taking out his semi-hard-on. You lick your hand, then stroke his cock to fully stiffen.

"Y/N," he stutters and bucks his hips in your hands. With a staggering drop to his dick, you both whimper. The sudden plunge was rough, but you loved the ache that came with it.

"Fuck," your husband curses. "Look at your tiny cunt swallowing me whole." he goads.

"Fuck into me," you command and Jungkook happily obliges—hips thrusting upwards. He presses his thumb to your lips and you open your mouth to suck at his digit.

Inside the car, a confetti of moans and groans explodes. Your arms wrap around Jungkook's neck to keep you from falling off from his lap. His aggressive thrusts have you bouncing, and you've hit your head on the roof once or twice, but the growing pain goes unnoticed. Thanks to your lover's unrelenting fucking, it's all you can feel, and you let it swallow you whole.

You bite Jungkook's thumb, not too hard to hurt him, but enough to feed into his pain kink. He cums first inside you. He quickly pulls his digit from your mouth and swirls it around your clit until you're reaching your climax with a shriek of his name.

Chest still heaving and high on pleasure, Jungkook teases you, "Think I fucked you good?"

His palm lays flat on your stomach and you laugh.

Yeah, he fucked you good, you muse.

-

#jungkook fanfic #jungkook x reader #bts fic #jeon jungkook #bts #jungkook fic #bts jungkook #bangtanwritershq #bts fanfic

[tyunkus]

imagine overstimulation with tyun😵‍💫 youre literally crying while hes holding a vibrator to your cunny and he just sits there looking so calm, so when youve came for like the 6th time that night u look at him with teary eyes, begging him to stop and thats its too much ( u both know u love it tho ) and he just stays so calm its scary and says something like “dont be an ungrateful slut” or like “you wanted to cum so bad but now u cant take it?”

(im not sure if u have any guidelines but i hope it passes them, if not just ignore it!)

This is what i mean when i say all solomons are telepathically connected because WHY HAS THIS BEEN THE ONLY THING ON MY MIND FORTHE PAST 2 MONTHS AND U JUST ARTICULATED IT SO PERFECTLY.

LIKE. nobody talk sbaout taehyun with a vibrator enough. it would be so sexy and hot and also SO FUN FOR HIM? imagine his pretty doe eyes looking up at urs all innocently while he makes you come over and over and over again like literally no remorse he just loves the way you look and sound when all the pleasure washes over you. cant get enough of how fucking wet you get, even if it hurts he's gonna pull orgasm after orgasm out of you to see every little twitch of your lips and flutter of your lashes he's just THAT obsessed with u.

you come for the 6th time and he's just. so inwardly pleased with himself because now you're really begging, hips bucking up towards nothing but more sensations and your eyes all teary and glossy and pretty <3 you make his cock so fucking hard just by lying down in bed all sniffly cuz he's treating your pussy so well <3 can't help but find you so cute like "aww, why are you crying? feels too good? sweet girl is sobbing because i'm making her feel so fucking good, right? right? take all of it, baby, can you do that for me?" AND HE SOUNDS SO FUCKIN SWEET hes so good at buttering you up just to rip another orgasm out of you so you're losing your mind n begging him to stop <3 but that won't work, he knows what you really want, knows that even if you're crying and sobbing for him to turn it off, you just want more n more n more cause you're his greedy little bitch <33!!!

as for guidelines i havent made up any yet but i will eventually! if im uncomfy with an ask i just wont answer it so if i dont answer urs after a week i probably just wasnt comfortable hehe

#taehyun x reader smut #taehyun smut #taehyun hard hours #taehyun x reader #txt x reader #txt hard thoughts #txt hard hours #txt smut #guys my account is just 90 percent tyun i #like #im insane #taehyun drought ENDED #i love feeding solomons we are truly #truly just insnae #ok i think that's it for now hehe

[clownery-and-fuckery]

I dont think I'll ever get over Tech's face during his and Omega's talk.

The way he was so open and genuinely showed Omega he was hurt by her words, and thought hard to articulate what he really wanted to say. He didn't understand at first, at first it didn't make sense why she was so angry. But once he did, once he realised it why she had a hard time, he tried.

He didn't know exactly how to say it, because he's used to his brothers knowing- but you can hear him use less neutral "We'll move past this" language to "It's hard. I dont always like how i do it, but I care."

He reaffirms that he understands he doesn't have a conventional way of showing his love, but he still loves infinitely, like she does.

It makes his line "there are many like us" line mean so much more. Because this is him saying I love you. This is him showing her he looks up to his brothers- he sees them, he always looks to them and he adores them. They've always been the most important thing to him, and with Omega he learns to show that. It's beautiful, it makes me sob.

I could write so much more on him.... on this scene, on all his scenes. I am him and he is me, it's so- I can't describe how nice it is to really see yourself and know that it's okay. That people understand and even enjoy those qualities. Getting mushy but he really does hold a special place in my heart.

#not to be negative but THATS WHAT HUNTER NEEDED #anyways tech supremacy #tbb tech #sw the bad batch #the bad batch #tbb omega #i dont think this made much sense im sleepy #but i could write ESSAYS on Tech #especially this moment #ALONG WITH THE “There are many like us” #LITERALLY THE SWEETEST SHIT IVE EVER HEARD ?!!?!??!?! #ive hsutaveisbw after being shame for this for so long #knowing that those traits can be loveable really makes me cry

[bit-dodgy-innit]

Seeing Double

Set in The Shape of Youniverse 

Summary: Your first ultrasound for Baby Number Two includes a surprise twist 

Pairing: Steven x afab!reader, Marc x afab!reader, and Jake x afab!reader. Reader is married to the system 

Word Count: 1.6k

Rating: G (for once!!!!)

CW/TW: A dose of angst and anxiety, mentions of pregnancy and past trauma, heinous fudging of how medical technology works, plus lots of fluff and soft!moon boys 

A/N: HI HELLO ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SEE THE SHAPE OF YOUNIVERSE IS NOT OVER!!! 😅😅 This is the first of the asks that have been collecting dust in my inbox while I was filling celebration prompts and ~trying to live~ Cheers to the lovely nonnie who requested it! 

“Oh my days, that's wonderful!!”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Dr. Slater had been your OB/GYN for nearly ten years, and delivered Nyla, but this disparity between your and Steven’s reactions was the first time you’d ever rendered him speechless. “I, um…I’ll give you two a moment.”

You stared at the ultrasound machine’s screen in shock, while Steven gazed upon it in awe. The word kept ringing in your ears. Twins.

“Blimey, do you reckon they’re fraternal or identical? It’s a good thing we sprung for the larger place after all, innit…oh my goodness, just wait until we tell Nyla there are two babies in your tummy! Her little mind will be blown, right darling? Darling…”

You couldn’t imagine Nyla’s reaction to the news, because currently, it was your little mind that was blown. Twins. Two more mouths to feed, two more school tuitions, two more little bodies to push out of you. Simultaneously.

“You alright, darling?”

“We’re going to be outnumbered.”

“Nothing we can’t handle…hey,” Steven sat himself on the ledge of the examination bed and put his hand on your arm. “What’s wrong?”

You shook your head back and forth, and when you spoke, your voice was thick with tears. “I don't think I can do this.”

Sobs promptly followed after your admission, and Steven gathered you into his arms right away.  “Hey, hey no…it’s going to be grand, okay? Awww sweetheart, seeing you like this is breaking my heart.”

“It’s just…it’s a lot to take in, and it’s not what we planned!! We have to double everything and it’s all going to be happening at once and what if–” you paused to heave and hyperventilate, pulling much-needed oxygen into your lungs, “ –what if I can’t handle it?”

“Shhhhhh, you’re going to be brilliant,” he assured you, then pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “Besides this isn’t your first curveball now, is it? What with Nyla being a surprise, not to mention your ex-avatar husband having D.I.D and the like.”

“I’m juh…I’m just scared!” you wailed.

“It’s alright to be scared,” Steven didn’t hesitate in validating you. “But darling, you’re not going to be doing this alone.”

“I know, but I have to do the hard bit,” you pointed out plaintively, using Steven’s self-coined jaunty term for the burden of motherhood.

“That’s true, but even so, we’re all going to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible. You have us, and your parents – we wanted to ask them to come out earlier anyway pre-due date– then there’s Charlotte and Harry, Doctor Slater, we can even book Pippa again too so she'll start right away if you’re worried about latching. Everyone wants to help you, my love. ”

It was moments like this you remembered exactly why you married your husband. The sobs wracking your body prevented you from articulating your gratitude, so instead you burrowed into his chest, likely rubbing some of your makeup onto his shirt and definitely smearing ultrasound gel across his trousers.

“Esto es una bendición,” you heard Jake murmur, “We’ve both been through so much more, so much worse than this, nena. Today is a good day, and I won’t let you think any differently.”

“I’m processing, Jake.”

“Yo sé,” he acknowledged, “but I’m also not going to let you spiral, bien?”

“I don’t spiral.”

Jake snorted in disbelief. You pulled back to look him in the eye, a challenge. He met your questioning gaze with a single arched brow that told you he wasn't buying it.

“Well this is something that I’m allowed to spiral about,” you defended yourself, only to realize mid-argument, “oh God. I’m going to be huge.”

“You won’t have to lift a finger. I’ll carry you everywhere,” he offered. The impracticality of his solution made you giggle. Jake rejoiced at his ability to get a rise out of you, “Ay, ahí está ella.”

“Gracias Papi,” you could feel yourself drifting back down into the land of rational thought, until you remembered who was missing, and your stomach became a lead balloon.

“Que ocurre?”

“Is Marc…what’s he doing? God, if I’m freaking out then he must be completely–”

“We’ll figure it out,” your husband interrupted you in his midwest-tinged American accent. “We always do.”

“Do you regret trying for another?” you asked him.

“No baby,” Marc denied instantly, pulling you close to him again. “Do you?”

“No…but this is a lot. It’s a lot,” you confessed.

“I know, and thankfully, they’re not coming tomorrow. So we have time, okay? Honey, you’ve been my rock through so much, it’s time for you to let us be yours now, deal?”

You sniffled, then agreed, “Okay.”

Marc’s sure fingers began to stroke through your hair. You luxuriated in his touch, your heart rate finally descending to a somewhat normal pace.  

A knock on the door fractured the quiet moment you and your husband had found. You two sprang apart, Marc lunged for the counter to grab you a tissue, while you wiped your eyes and nose in a totally futile effort to hide the fact you’d been crying.

“Come in!” you called. Doctor Slater had seen worse, after all.

The doctor did just that, closed the door behind him, and only after he resumed his seat did he begin with “I owe you two an apology.”

Fuck, you thought. There was something wrong. You gripped Marc’s hand for dear life waiting for the ax to drop.

“I hope this isn’t too much of an inconvenience, but we need to do the ultrasound again. I just found out that this is broken,” he revealed, gesturing to the machine next to him, still broadcasting the image of your two unborn children. “There’s a lag on the image, which means I’m not so sure you’re having twins after all.”

Thank goddess you were already sitting down, because otherwise you would’ve fainted, straight up. You did swoon however, and both Marc and Doctor Slater reached for you.

“I am so unbelievably sorry for the bait-and-switch,” he apologized further, “your body is undergoing enough. I’m ninety-five percent sure there’s only one baby in there, so if you can swing it diary-wise, we’ll move next door and confirm it.”

You wanted to say “Sounds good, doc”, but what came out was “I’m going to throw up.”

Your declaration sent your husband scurrying to grab the little room waste bin for you.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am. There’s going to be a firm talking-to between me and my staff once I’ve sent you home.”

“It’s okay,” you exhaled, unsure of who you were trying to comfort more, Doctor Slater or yourself. “It’s all good. When will the new room be ready?”

“It should be ready now,” he told you.

“Does she have to move?” your husband asked, his voice revealing that Steven was fronting again. “You’ve had quite the shock just now.”

“I’m okay honey, just help me up,” you assuaged him. You were barely ten weeks along which meant there was no bump to contend with yet, but given the emotional rollercoaster of the past twenty minutes, you wanted your husband to steady you.  

“You sure you’re alright?” Doctor Slater asked. “We can get you a wheelchair.”

You shook your head to dismiss the notion and arranged yourself to dismount from the examination table. “No need, but it’s times like these I’d give anything for a drink, you know?”

Both men burst out laughing at your admission and you proceeded next door to the functional ultrasound machine.  

*** On the ride home you asked Steven, “Are you disappointed there’s only one baby in there after all?”

“Not at all darling,” he instantly averred.

“I won’t be cross if you are. Even just a little.”

Your husband studied you to determine whether your question was a trap. After a long, careful pause, he at last spoke, “Maybe a little disappointed. But I’m over the moon either way.”

“I think it’s sweet how excited you were. You didn't miss a beat, while I went and had a proper meltdown,” you chuckled. “We’re going to have to start thinking of boy names.”

“Ooh yes,” Steven concurred, “I actually had an idea earlier, how do you like–”

“No names of famous anthropologists Steven,” you knew exactly where he was going with this.

He deflated a little, then tried again, “Alright what about–”

“Or archeologists, or anyone in the social sciences, okay?” If Steven had gotten his way with Nyla, your daughter would have been named Hortense or some other incredibly outdated name to honor a dead scholar. “The names have to be personal to both of us.”

Steven harrumphed and even though he didn’t say anything else, you knew this wasn't the end of the conversation.  

“I want to…I’d like to include Ro–um, Randall’s name somehow.”

You took Marc’s hand at once. “Baby yes, that’d be great. Definitely adding Randall to the list.”

“I am happy, you know, that we’re having another,” he told you softly.

Your cheeks burned with shame, “I know, I’m sorry I panicked -- I wasn’t thinking.”

“I’m not mad,” Marc clarified, “But I don’t want you taking on my…shit, okay?”

“Well, I’m your wife, I can’t help it,” you shrugged, “besides that’s the point of having me right? Of us? We help each other with our shit.”

Marc bristled, “I know but–”

“Not buts Marc, other than your fantastic one,” you cut him off. You knew “feelings” were tricky for your husband still, so sometimes it was best to diffuse with a bit of cheeky humor. “You’re stuck with me, and this baby boy confirms it.”

“Alright, fine,” he surrendered. “I know better than to argue with you.”

You took Marc’s hand in yours and kissed the world-weary skin on the back of it. “Smart man.”

A/N: I’m not sure why when I got this ask I instantly was like “reader (me) would freak” but even with the angst, I hope I was able to give everyone a good dose of loving daddy!Steven and the rest of the boys too! 

Translations:

Esto es una bendición - This is a blessing 

nena - babe 

Yo sé - I know

bien - okay 

Ay, ahí está ella - Hey, there she is 

Gracias Papi - Thanks Daddy 

Que ocurre - What’s wrong? 

Taglist: @twwcs​, @rmoonstoner​, @hot-mess-express1​, @murdickdocked, @toracainz​, @saahmi, @unspokenmoon​, @winterbiipp​, @avatarofseshat​ @ilikeoldermenhelp, @losers-club6​, @harrys-tittie​, @ninebluehearts​, @lucianadraven32​, @dawnsutopia​, @strawberry1042-blog @nikitawolfxo​, @weirdo125 @damnzelsoul​ @missmarmaladeth​ @welcometostayingawake​ @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction​

#moon knight #moon knight smut #moon knight fanfic #moon knight fanfiction #steven grant #jake lockley #marc spector #steven grant x reader #steven grant x female reader #steven grant x you #steven grant fanfiction #marc spector x reader #marc spector x female reader #marc spector x you #jake lockely x female reader #jake lockley x reader #jake lockley x you #marc spector fanfiction #jake lockley fanfiction #oscar isaac #oscar issac x reader #oscar isaac x you #oscar isaac fanfiction

[ceterisparibus116]

Frank has lied to Karen and even put her in explicit danger by using her as bait in the diner to lure out the Blacksmith's men and lied to her by omission by not disclosing his plans. That's worse than any other shit Matt did so? Easily disproves one of your talking points about how "fRaNk nEveR LiEd tO hEr" 🤪 goofy

Normally, I don't consider it productive to engage with someone who...talks like this...but I do think it's interesting to compare Frank's lies vs Matt's lies.

[First, pro tip: if you're going to say a person's point is "easily disproven," it helps to articulate that point correctly. I never said Frank "never" lied to her; I said: "Frank (for the most part) did neither of those things [lied to her nor put her on a pedestal]." I'm conceding that Frank did lie to her, but suggesting that his relationship with her was not marked by lies the way Matt's relationship with her was. Misrepresenting someone's point like this is called a "straw man fallacy." I encourage everyone who's unfamiliar with the idea to look it up!]

Let's talk about the lies. Frank totally lied to Karen and used her as bait, which I (as a viewer) find pretty horrific. And is that "worse" than Matt's lies? If the metric we use to determine "worse" is "which endangers Karen more," then I think Frank did directly endanger her more than Matt did.

But we have to look at this from Karen's perspective, and I don't think the metric she's using is "which lies endanger me more." Frankly, Karen doesn't much care about danger. She cares about Capital-T Truth. She cares about trust. She cares about honest relationships. And by that metric, I think yes, she believes that Matt's lies are "worse."

I believe this for the reasons listed below, but also because it strikes me that her reactions to Frank's lies vs Matt's are quiet different. Like, was she mad that Frank lied to her? Absolutely. But when I watch it, I don't get the impression that she was hurt.

Mad is not the same as hurt.

With Frank, she was mad.

With Matt, she was mad and hurt.

Why? For several factors.

Depth/intimacy of the relationship. She'd known Matt for over a year (I think; timelines are weird) by the time she realized he'd been lying to her. Not only that, but she'd been working with him for that whole time period. Not only that, but she'd had a crush on him for probably that whole time period (or close to it) (which I bring up because a crush is one surefire way to make a relationship feel intimate, maybe even more intimate than it really is). Not only that, but their relationship was fairly intimate. From the very beginning, he invited her to ask him some very personal questions about his blindness, and she was depending on him to keep her out of jail. Then we have him literally falling apart and sobbing in her arms. Talk about intimate! And not only that, but they also literally dated and she invited him to her apartment to have sex, let's be real. So when Matt lies to her, it's not the same as a guy she's known for a few weeks whom she wants to rescue the way you want to rescue a lost puppy lying to her. This is her coworker, her best friend, and her would-be partner lying to her.

Scope of the lies. The scope of Matt's lies runs deep. A) Him lying (by omission) about his senses clearly hits Karen very hard. It feels like a massive invasion of privacy. Now, I've argued before that it's unfair for characters to punish Matt for something he can't control, and I've also argued that Matt is not required to reveal his senses to anyone. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt (and shock, and even offend) people to realize that he could smell their breath and hear their heartbeat this entire time. B) He's lying about a huge part of his life and personality. Frank's very up front: he might lie about goals and tactics, but when it comes to who he is as a person, what you see is what you get. Whereas Matt presents himself (as Matt) as a very buttoned-up, reasonable, conscientious, safety-oriented, controlled person...the very opposite, in many ways, of Daredevil. C) Matt's lying about things that could have huge direct consequences for Karen (and Foggy) - namely, their law firm falling apart and Karen and Foggy possibly going to prison. D) Matt lied more to Karen than he did to another person. I don't think Karen's reaction to Elektra was primarily jealousy per se; I think instead she's like: "You won't share this part of my life with me, but you will with Elektra." Not dissimilar to how Foggy was mad about Claire knowing more about Daredevil than he did. It just hurts to find out that your friend has chosen to reveal things to someone else, rather than you.

What the lies say about how the other person views Karen. What does it say about how Frank views Karen that he'd lie to her the way he did? Ehhhh. I guess that he didn't want her getting in the way of his plans? Maybe he thought she couldn't handle something, and that would annoy her? But with Matt, wow, we know exactly how she thought Matt felt about her, based on the lies. She says: "Why didn't you trust me? What, did you think I would judge you?" To her, Matt's secret-keeping was proof that he didn't trust her (ouch) and that he fundamentally misunderstood her by believing she'd judge him when she prides herself on finding the humanity in those others would condemn.

All of these factors show why when Matt lied to Karen, she wasn't just pissed off. She was hurt. Matt's lies struck deep in a way that Frank's didn't.

And listen. I say all this as a giant Karedevil fan. I don't ship Kastle at all. In fact the argument from the first factor (that Karen was so hurt by Matt's lies because of the intimacy of their relationship) is, to me, a pro-Karedevil argument.

But being a fan of a ship doesn't mean we can't evaluate it critically. Evaluating all things critically is one of the aims of my blog.

So, dear Anon, if you're still reading this far (which I kinda doubt lol), I hope this made sense. But if you're just going to send me another ask misstating my positions and calling my position "goofy," then into the trash it shall go!

#karen page #frank castle #matt murdock #karedevil #daredevil #meta #asks #ask me things i'm friendly

[docholligay]

Do you have any words (yours or by others) on grief/grieving a loved one?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I got it. I know this will sound strange coming from me, someone who writes not-infrequently about grief in the context of fictional characters, but you have to understand this: A frame makes a thing look like art. It’s easier to do things when they’re made to sit on a wall. So I’ve written and erased a dozen things, because I’m not sure how to talk about it when it’s me saying it. Which I guess is sad in its own right. That’s fine. This will have to be what it is. 

Some people have never been touched by death. 

I know it’s true, but it surprises me every time. I think all people of a certain age think they’ve lost someone, but there’s losing, and there’s being touched. If you’re coming to me with this question, you must know what I mean. You know someone who died, and that’s a little sad, you miss them, and you think of them from time to time. Grandparents, great-grandparents, classmates. Celebrities, if you’re weird enough. 

But then there’s being touched. I’m not sure I could have described the difference, before it happened to me. Someone dies, and, the world changes in an immeasurable way. Nothing will ever feel the same again. Now that’s all a very well traveled and quasi-hackneyed set of ideas, but it is true. The world is shifted. Doorknobs turn the other way, and always will. You could have sworn that clock had a robin at six, and not a blue jay, but the jay is singing now. The coffee didn’t taste burnt yesterday, or maybe it did but it was right for it to be burnt. 

The world is too still, and too loud. 

Grief is a shared way in which we are alien to each other. No two people mourn alike, and no deaths are mourned the same. I have been furious in the first flush of grief. I have burned things and made sacred oaths to my eternal anger. My grandmother sold everything he owned the week of my grandfather’s funeral. My friend once sobbed picking up a box of cookies from the supermarket. If at no point in your grief could you be called insane by a reasonable person, you cannot possibly understand what I’m talking about. 

You ever eaten a piece of gristle? I think grief is that piece of gristle. You chew and you chew, and you chew, but it just won’t go. You think, ‘if only I could get this down, everything would be okay’ but you can’t. It just sticks in your mouth, and it makes you gag, turning its oiliness over in your mouth. 

I nearly died once, by accident, mind you, in the grips of grief. It happens. You gag. 

So I think about that a lot, because its true what they say that flowers grow best where there was rot, and that’s true, but the trick of it is, that before the flowers can grow, that rot has to be broken down. It has to be chewed. And that takes time. 

There was a bar we went to. It was a fucking dive with shitty food and badly-poured beer, but PBR was a dollar on Mondays and you got a free basket of bacon. That’s where she told me she was dying, and I told her if she planned on doing this, she might have paid more than 3 bucks for my tab. 

It was a mess of a bar. 

They tore it down, shit, seven years ago now? And I remember thinking, ‘No, they can’t do that. They can’t get rid of that bar. It has to stand.” and I couldn’t have articulated to you why it had to stand, why this place I never thought much of and in which nothing good had ever happened to me had to stand, but I it tugged at me so hard. Because I could still hear her voice echoing there, and I could still hear what she told me. And if that bar didn’t exist anymore, than maybe it was never really real. 

Because that’s the insane part, right? You have individually and personally experienced 9/11, but everyone around you doesn’t realize the massive change the world has gone through. You are screaming at the smoldering pit, the scent of jet fuel in the air, and someone gives you that pitying look and goes, ‘How you holding up?” because the world is not different for them. You are fully prepared to have your knitting needles confiscated for the next twenty years if it would just make you feel safe again, make things feel right again, but this asshole standing in front of you has no idea. 

Because you’re changed. 

Grief changes us, but it’s wrong to think of that change as a ruining. 

The grand canyon is nothing but but a ditch dug by time, and wear, but people travel from all over the world to see it. A silver bowl tarnishes, but in the tarnish there are patterns and plays of light the new silver never dreamed of. Then again, that shitty dive bar is now a gastropub that serves burgers with aioli and has a gluten free menu, so some change is ruin, but that is not settled law. You can be changed and just be different. Different is not always worse. 

I think every person I’ve lost, and there have been more than I’d like, has changed me in some way. I’ve been a drunk, I’ve been destructive, I’ve been religious and reflective, and I’ve been a planner. I’m not any of those on a full-time basis anymore, but I see them all in the mirror, looking back at me. All those Docs, all the ways she has felt, still exist in me. 

 My grandfather, he of blessed memory, used to say that you don’t ever have to get over things, but you do have to get on with them. I think that’s what I’ve tried to carry with me. 

That’s the first step to breaking down the rot. Chop wood, and carry water. You keep it moving. You carry that with you, and you carry them with you. Sometimes thre’s nothing to do but the work.Then one day, you realize you told a story about them, and you laughed. You didn’t even think about crying. So then you cry.  Time comes you spent a whole day not thinking about them, and then you cry again. But slowly, life starts to take shape there. Things grow in around the ruins, and maybe it’s even more beautiful than before. You fly their memory like a kite, bright and bouncing in the wind of your life. People can see it in you, even if they don’t quite know what it is. It’s just a pretty, dancing thing in the clouds. 

And then you realize, you don’t want you knitting needles confiscated anymore. 

I recently laid years of anger to rest over someone’s death. It was the first time I cried about it. As soon as I stopped being mad, I had to let the sorrow in. After you clear the rot, you still need the rain, I guess. 

You get better. There are still trenches dug in the French forest from WWI, but the forest is no less green for them. Tragedy above all others. Covered by the willingness to grow. 

I feel like this fucking ramble makes less sense the more I noodle on it, and in many ways is more about how to move through grief than what it feels like, so, I don’t know, the best I have in the way of a poetic thought is that sometimes grief in the way all the clothes end up in the hamper now, and the way you stop halfway up the stairs with a cup of coffee before you remember, and the way you never walk past that cafe with the little pink cakes. That sharp, cold knife is small, and fits in so many places. 

But it can’t stop the grass from growing.

#I AM SURE THIS IS IN NO WAY HELPFUL #but I do my best #if you mean something else just ask me

[persephoneflouwers]

Lucky Again

I spent the last few days thinking about this song quite a lot. I haven’t paid much attention to it at first, probably the excitement felt a bit mitigated by the fact we knew the song already, but I’ve been binge listening to the album for a month now and every week it’s a new week obsessing with a different song, so now it’s Lucky Again turn. I haven’t read many analysis or opinions lately, because I’ve been pretty busy, so I’m sorry if this is something someone already wrote about or if it doesn’t really make sense. It does make sense in my head tho, so I’ll hope I can articulate my thoughts well enough to convey the message lol.

I think Lucky Again is a very comforting song, more like self-comforting. It is a love song, but to himself. And since when I started reading at it like this… Lucky Again has been hurting more than any other song in the album. Yeah, I said that about All this time too but yall know what I mean lol. They are very very very personal songs. Louis is so good at writing about himself and being so open to fucking stub your heart with a single word, but sometimes it goes a bit unheard. Not here tho, not here.

Anyway. Let’s start!

You give and give until it's gone away, Just tell yourself you've got another day

Starting with a bang. I usually read deeper than necessary but the incipit feels a bit tough, doesn’t it? He’s saying life can get consuming. It consumes you, your time, your energies, sometimes your feelings. You give and give until everything is gone and you go though your day by inertia, one day after the other.

You've lived that life, you just don't see it yet

Truth been spoken. When you are in your darkest place, it’s hard to appreciate what you have and usually you miss it when it’s gone (oh wait! Maybe you don't know what's lost 'til you find it 🎶)

I see how hard you've worked to be yourself

When I tell you I sobbed the first time this line clicked in my brain. Just imagine Louis saying this to himself… argh! I don’t know how to react. It’s like absolutely amazing he appreciates and values how much he has grown as a person and how many steps forward he has taken and how rough some times were. It’s amazing to see him acknowledging he came out of his own dark places or at least he has tried. I was wondering what Louis meant when he said in some interviews he doesn’t like when people pity him, and I see why. There’s nothing to pity here, it’s just congratulations for how strong and tough he is. Hard work always always pays off.

If you believe that guy is Superman, They're selling tickets at the cinema

The interpretations of this line are potentially endless, but it always hit me for how real it is. It spoke to me like the best way to say ‘it’s bullshit, but you do you’. It’s a recurrent concept in FITF, the disillusionment and the concreteness of reality. He’s not a dreamer in this album, always very optimistic, positive, mature but never not pragmatic. He sounds jealous at some point, like one of those things you say to your partner when they make a comment about somebody else, right? But it’s the way he sets this in a specific direction, he sets the tone with two words: superMAN and cinema. So it feels to me like he is talking about a famous person who usually gets idolised, and by extent fame, popularity in general. I am not a teacher, but I would say this is a rhetoric figure called Synecdoche and I absolutely adore it! So does Louis, by the way. The choice of words is interesting and telling. He’s using believe as something a bit negative here. That’s ironic for an abum called FAITH in the future, isn’t it? But it’s his way apparently. He wants to create a paradox, a contrast and it’s clear since the cover of the album, since it doesn’t strike as a faithful cover to me lmao

Whatever gets you through the darkest night, Just find the light, Out in the madness, hold tight

Now that I’m writing about it, every line in this song feels like a ring of a chain and everyone references the other like it’s 🤯. Sometimes when I listen to songs I imagine how the singer would speak to someone else. For this part, I clearly see future Louis talking to present Louis and that applies to any other timeline, it’s an inception of Louis talking to himself basically. He’s encouraging to keep going no matter what (whatever gets you).

Through the night… isn’t it a-m-a-z-i-n-g how consistent this theme is in Louis songs? He’s been singing Through the dark for months and look at her, coming back in disguise! Self references are hot, but this one gets the cake. Is he by any chance saying «whatever gets you through the night… we will find a way through the dark» etc etc? Love it. 10/10.

'Cause I'm a hard man to lose

This has always felt a bit… weird. Like imagine you go “im hard man to lose” in a song where you are basically saying you are happy you’re together again or something. It feels… arrogant? A bit? And honestly that’s not a ‘songwriter Louis’ move. I just don’t see it. And I know, it’s always about the layers with him, but what if it’s literal this time? What if he is saying “I am not the one gives up, I am not the one losing”? After all, he’s been pretty open here about how hard he worked, he has just said he has to hold tightly.

But I figured it out then made my way back To a life I would choose

He settled it for me in this line. He is not one to lose, that’s how he went back to the life he chose and he says it as proudly as he can because the thing is… it doesn’t matter how crazy it is (the madness and all that) but he would do it again. Despite all the shit, he would do it again. You can take it as a nod to his relationship of course. He changes the line second time with ‘I'm a hard man to find, but you figured it out and I love you for that’, almost pushing for a love story interpretation. But to me it feels more like he is talking about second chances, specifically in his life and work opportunities . The life I would choose part screams career to me and hits you in the face pretty hard if you think of how many obstacles he has been going through since the start of his solo career and even before during the band.

We were lucky once, I could be lucky again

He’s been using only you/I form til here. Now, I know this we can be misleading. It’s very natural to conceive a we as an us, like two people in a relationship or something, but see… that’s very Louis lol. He writes songs like stories and here he’s storytelling. Sometimes it even feels like a plurale maiestatis! I use it an embarrassing amount of time especially for non-formal conversations, and probably this is my bias of interpretation since English is not my first language but it’s curious the way he switches from a We (in past form), to I (possible future form). That’s why I think the we is used only to help with the story he’s writing about, the past he’s recalling while writing the song.

Before the world had got so serious, Before the time it got away from us

Layers againnnnn! Is this about his past maybe in the band or before that? Is this about… I don’t know, the pandemic? The world got pretty serious in 2020 didn’t it? And stunt-wise things haven’t been looking pretty bright since the second half of 2020 so… yeah. But actually I consider this a description of more innocent times. He seems nostalgic of. Still… he doesn’t seem to be willing to go back then again. He misses simple times, but has faith the future would make him feel lucky again.

It got away from us… is so strong. It’s powerful the way he never really blames anyone for the bad or the wrong. It’s just that time goes away. Very Heraclitus of him with the panta rei and all (an usual recurrent theme in Louis songwriting) and very it is what it is too. He’s very coherent in his songs, I love it.

I meet you at the favorite subway stop, We grab some food then meet the lads for one

Storytelling king strikes again. He’s so good in describing moments from the past. Like Saturdays is a song born entirely from past memories, so I really shouldn’t be surprised he does it in Lucky too, but still! Look, lines like this are seriously meant to paint a scenario in your head and he does it so well. Meet, eat and smoke with friends like a Netflix and chill ante litteram. It’s so straightforward. 11/10.

Look back on a time, I was lucky once, I could be lucky again

I love love LOOOVE the way he uses look back on a time, because he really kinda confirms how all he just did was recalling moments from a past life through lyrical narration.

What a gem of a song.

Also special mention to The unfiltered version of Lucky again with the “I’m lucky/I’m in love” whatever the fuck you meant by that, Louis, that was pretty sick and it should have survived the final revisions.

#lucky again supremacy #lucky again lyrics #all of them are just lyrical gems for me #lyrics analysis #fitf lyrics

[stunnermount]

Need you to know - Mason Mount

Soft boyfriend mase, assuring his girlfriend that he's always there for her.

Warnings : Mentions of crying, feeling anxious.

Things were not going well for you. You were exhausted from the pressure of work, expectations overwhelming you. You felt a massive weight on your chest, not sure what was happening. Maybe it was because of work, maybe it was because you couldn't spend time with your boyfriend during the past week or maybe it was just pent up emotions from a long time. You were having a hard time articulating the way your feeling, not just to anyone else but to yourself as well. You kept on pushing your emotions aside, thinking it was just a phase. The voice in your head scared you by saying that if you shared your emotions with somebody, they might not understand you. They could misjudge you or maybe you were thinking about it too much. All of these thoughts made you feel anxious and you started avoiding people, thinking you were bothering them. The sudden change in your behaviour didn't go unnoticed by Mason. Everytime he tried to speak to you about it, you changed the topic saying you were just tired.

You came back from work, exhausted and annoyed, to Mason's house, hoping to get some cuddles but the door was locked, indicating he wasn't home. He had a day off but you didn't know where he was. You decided not to text him thinking he must have gone out with his friends and let yourself in with the spare key. You walked into the kitchen, hoping to eat some of your comfort food, but to your dismay, you couldn't find it. You were on the edge of breaking down but you somehow managed to control your emotions. You went to the bedroom and decided to read a book, hoping it would help you calm down. You sat with your back pressed against the headboard and started reading but just couldn't focus on the words in front of you.

Fifteen minutes had passed, and you still couldn't focus on the book. The voice in your head kept on annoying you, causing you to burst into tears, not being able to hold them anymore. Mason came back from grocery shopping and saw your car parked outside his house, making him feel happy that he could spend some time with you. He entered the house and noticed that the TV wasn't on and you weren't in the kitchen. He slowly walked up the stairs and heard faint sobs coming from the bedroom. He slowly opened the door and saw you. Tears cascading down your cheeks, breathing heavy and face red. He was heartbroken at the sight and quickly made his way to you, cupping your cheek with his hand, thumb wiping the tears away. His touch instantly calmed you down a bit and you managed to look into his eyes.

'What's wrong, baby? What happened?' He spoke to you in a soft but worried tone. You tried to answer him but couldn't, which caused Mason to pull you against his chest, your head on his shoulder while his hand rubbed your back. He didn't utter a word, letting you pour out all your emotions while he held you, his heart breaking when he heard your sobs.

When your breath calmed down a bit, he pulled away from the hug, his hand again cupping your cheek. 'What happened, baby? Tell me what's wrong'.

'I don't know. I'm not feeling well. It's been going on from the past few weeks but I didn't know how to tell anyone. There's just so much happening and I can't take it anymore. I can't focus on anything and the voice in my head just won't shut up. It's exhausting'. You poured your heart out and told him everything, while he listened patiently, squeezing your hand in between.

'Why didn't you tell me earlier, baby? I could have helped you. And perhaps, I tell you everything about me. You shouldn't hide things from me y'know' You now felt guilty of not telling him. 'I just didn't know how you were gonna react and I didn't wanna bother you. You have so much going on at the club as well. Didn't wanna burden you with my problems'.

Upon hearing this, he took both your hands in his, and a deep breath before he spoke.

'Listen to me, love. Your problems are my problems. If there is something bothering you, you need to tell me right away. It's my duty to help you. I don't care if there is something else happening, you're the most important person in my life. You're always there for me and I need you to know that I'm there for you. You just need to tell me. Don't bottle it up. You need to know that you can tell me anything, big or small. Don't hide things from me, okay? ' You nodded and he brought your hands to his lips and placed a soft kiss.

'I love you, mase.'

'I love you more, baby. How about we take a bath together. It'll help you feel better and then we can order some takeout, yeah?.

You nodded and gave him a smile which made him smile as well. He pulled you into a slow kiss, which calmed you down even more.

He filled the tub with water and bubbles, and helped you in. He pressed his back against the tub and your back against his chest and attentively listened to all your rambles, kissing your shoulder every know and then. He made you forget about all the things that were bothering you. You were grateful that the horrible feeling was over and that you had the best person by your side.

#mason mount #money mase #mm19 #chelsea #mason mount fluff #mason mount imagine #mason mount x reader #fanfic #football imagine #imagines #mason mount x y/n #mason mount x you

[heartpascal]

CHECK UNDER THE DOORMAT

(reader)

• memories - conan gray

"now i can't say, 'goodbye',

if you'll stay here the whole night,

you see, it's hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning,

over, and over again,

i promise that the ending always stays the same,

so there's no good reason in make-believing,

that we could ever exist again."

• already gone - sleeping at last

"i want you to know,

that it doesn't matter,

where we take this road,

but someone's gotta go,

and i want you to know,

you couldn't have loved me better,

but i want you to move on,

so, i'm already gone."

• requiem - laura dreyfuss, michael park, & jennifer laura thompson

"why should i have a heavy heart?

why should i start to break in pieces?

why should i go and fall apart for you?

why should i play the grieving girl and lie,

saying that i miss you,

and that my world has gone dark without your light?

i will sing no requiem tonight."

(joel)

• ghost of you - 5 seconds of summer

"so i drown it out like i always do,

dancing through our house with the ghost of you."

• somewhere only we know - keane

"oh, simple thing, where have you gone?

i'm getting old, and i need something to rely on,

so, tell me when you're gonna let me in,

i'm getting tired, and i need somewhere to begin,

and if you have a minute, why don't we go,

talk about it somewhere only we know?

this could be the end of everything."

• rescue - lauren daigle

"i will send out an army to find you,

in the middle of the darkest night,

it's true, i will rescue you."

• fourth of july - sufjan stevens

"did you get enough love, my little dove?

why do you cry?

and i'm sorry i left, but it was for the best,

though it never felt right,

my little versailles."

(tommy)

• you are enough - sleeping at last

"when we grew up, our shadows grew up too,

but they're just old ghosts that we grow attached to,

the tragic flaw is that they hide the truth,

that you're enough, you're enough, you're enough."

• talk to me - cavetown

"you don't have to be a prodigy to be unique,

you don't have to know what to say or what to think,

you don't have to be anybody you can never be,

that's alright, let it out, talk to me."

(jesse)

• open arms - jorge rivera-herrans & steven dookie

"this life is amazing when you greet it with open arms,

i see in your face, there is so much guilt inside your heart,

so why not replace it and light up the world,

here's how to start,

greet the world with open arms."

• this side of paradise - coyote theory

"are you lonely? (are you lonely?),

our fingers dancing when we meet,

you seem so lonely (are you lonely?)."

(reader and jesse)

• better in stereo - liv & maddie

"when you say yeah, i say no,

when you say stop,

all i wanna do is go, go, go!

you,

the other half of me,

the half i'll never be,

the half that drives me crazy."

• brother - kodaline

"if i was dying on my knees,

you would be the one to rescue me,

and if you were drowned at sea,

i'd give you my lungs so you could breathe,

i've got you, brother."

HOWL!!! sobbing. heartpascal works hard but h-owlpost works HARDER. every time. i’m literally gonna scream and cry hello????

memories by conan gray: literally perfect. those EXACT lyrics are so so fitting. like r might’ve been ok eventually if joel and ellie had never come back, but now that they’re in jackson, she just can’t move on 😭

already gone: has me hollering and screaming and yelling and in pain. as well the lyrics “remember all the things we wanted, now our memories are haunted” HHHHHH this whole song is SO PERFECT HOWL STOP IT RN.

requiem: A BRAND NEW SONG FOR ME. oh my god. oh my god? i cannot articulate this one. *

i love ghost of you but my attention is stolen by somewhere only we know: I HAVE KNOWN THIS SONG FOREVER AND I DIDNT EVEN THINK. it’s so perfect. it’s too perfect. HELLO???? “i’m getting old and i need something to rely on” JOEL MY BELOVED 😭 *

rescue: oh yes. this song is so joel miller coded.

FOURTH OF JULY IS OUT OF POCKET I AM GLING TO SCREAM!!!!! *

cavetown is so so close to my heart. i cant even tell you. “it’s so dark tonight, but you’ll survive, certainly. it’s alright, come inside and talk to me” i am yelling so so loudly *

open arms is so good for jesse and r. I LOVE HOW ITS UPBEAT AND AND AND. also i think it is so reader and jesse coded with how different they are. LIKE R WOULD DEFINITELY BE MORE DEFENSIVE!!! at least at their ages rn, whilst jesse is like. dude relax 🙄 *

this side of paradise: yes. and “IF YOURE LONELY COME BE LONELY WITH ME!!!” need i say more.

BAHAHA BETTER IN STEREO IS SO THEM I LOVE IT. maybe one of my FAVOURITE CHOICES EVER. they are both menaces to each other it’s TRUE.

BROTHER: this one. this one. i love this song so much. this is them. THIS ONE. if i could choose any song it’d be this one. *

#heartpascal says #howl <3 #ok i couldn’t help myself this time #HAD TO COMMENT ON EACH SONG #THEY ARE SUCH GOOD CHOICES #I LOVE SO MANY OF THESE #AND SOME NEW ONES TOO??? #AND YET THEY STILL FIT SO WELL??????? #howl #i’m going to cry #also i love how every time you sign off with a different pedro pascal gif AHAHA #not the agent whiskey one #he’s so <3 #also the * are my favourites #as you can see #there’s a lot

[riewritten]

31 SEMBLANCE

DUSK IN THE BRIGHTEST | chapter directory

erwin smith/fem!reader, erwin smith/you, no y/n | slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff & smut, mutual pining, canon AU, college/univ AU, professor erwin smith, commander erwin smith, non-linear narrative, manga spoilers

Trigger warning: canon-typical violence, graphic description, explicit sexual content, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues, trauma, implied/referenced sexual harassment, implied/referenced abuse, attempted murder, overdosing

Plot: It was always the nightmares, really. Entrapped with walls, human-eating giants, fighting through metal strings and swords – utterly violent, dreary, recurrent. But behind the blurry faces was a man with menacing blue eyes and vivid features; eventually appearing before you as your new reputable professor, Erwin Smith. Since then, the disaster had slipped beyond your subconscious. AO3

As you dwelled on your cries, the commander finally sat down again; his fingers continuously glided on your cheeks to soothe you somehow.

"How are they in that world?" He finally spoke again after a while.

"The two are living as Levi's siblings. Isabel, while a full-on brat, stuck to me since we were children. Furlan is very composed and he helps Levi in lots of things." You chuckled a bit despite the tears due to random memory. "You won't believe me when I say he used to hold me with affection and now he's having a happy crush on the current queen."

Indeed, that would be hard to imagine. Erwin had to register that with a small laugh as well. "The others?"

"I haven't met Miche, Hange, and the others yet but they're friends with you two. I hear them a lot from you and Levi."

"Miche… he's living a better life as well, I see." He pondered. For some reason, his voice was a mixture of relief and bitterness. "How am I in that world?"

"You became quite like your father despite having him for just a short time. You've been very gentle to everyone, especially to me, and helped me without hesitation because I was left behind for so long due to lots of things…" You bit your lip to suppress another wave of emotions. "And you also chose to remember everything in this world by dreams so you could pay for your debts. That's why our paths crossed again. You were my saving grace in that world. Having this vision was too tormenting for me until you came."

"It's good that I didn't end up too much of a bastard somehow." He finally withdrew his palm on your cheek and rested it on your hand instead. "Are you healthy enough in that world?"

"I am. I was poisoned with soup then stabbed but I think I'm fine in general."

"Soup?" Erwin repeated in surprise. "So all this time—"

"I quickly overcame my fear towards the dish when you repeatedly accompanied me while eating it." You clarified with a chuckle. "But that's why you're on the edge in that world as well. Despite some distinctions, you're completely the same cruel man."

"If I ever did murder the perpetrator in that world, would you be able to forgive me?"

"Of course, I would. I'm staying no matter what." You answered resolutely. "It doesn't need to clash with seeking accountability, after all."

Silence enveloped the whole room. You heard Erwin gulp after a while as if trying to articulate the next question. Then you realized he might be having a hard time voicing it out because he squeezed onto your hand.

"Was I able to give you all the love you deserve in that world?"

That's when you finally let the tears drip down again. It was silent weeping this time and you held onto his hand tightly as well. "You're a man full of teasing and banters but you also keep on telling me that I'll get everything I want in that world. That you'll make up for it somehow."

"Is that so," He weakly muttered and stayed still again. When you glanced at him, you almost sobbed out loud. He looks so sad and on a closer look, it's as if he's a lost child who's so conflicted about what to do. His eyes are glued on the hand he's holding and it's obvious that he's taking quite a while coming up with other things to say. Never in your life did you think you'd ever see this man so lost with his words.

"Do you want to go back?" He muttered.

Somehow, as the sight continuously burns your vision, you notice how he's trying to muster up the courage to finally let you go.

You weren't able to stop the sobs then. "I could live everywhere as long as you're alive."

"But the people dear to you are alive in that world. It's needless to say that you'll be happier there."

"You're the only reason I existed again. You strongly wished for me to exist, that's why I'm here even after using the power granted to me. Your existence is what matters to me the most."

"You say that I'm still the same man in that world… but do I actually have the ability to protect you with all my might?"

"You have. We could protect ourselves. There are no monsters in that world." You repeated what you had said back in Wall Maria.

His eyes widened then as if that remark ultimately concluded the whole bargain. Finally, his grip on your hand untightened.

Despite the calm wistfulness, he looks more broken this time. You weren't able to take it so you gripped his hand again. "I'll stay here. You don't need to convince me anymore. I could live with you here. I would love to do so."

That's when Erwin finally smiled. It was the most poignant smile you've ever seen of him, in this world and the other one. He gently removed your grasp on him and shook his head. "You came here to save me and so your job here is done. That's more than enough for me."

"No. You said it, right? We can do the things we weren't able to do before. I would love to have that life. You told me I'd look good living inside the walls as well. Then live with me." You're the one doing the bargain this time. "It's not fake security anymore and I'd be able to live beside someone I love. We don't even have to quit at all. We just have to—"

You were cut off gently when Erwin leaned in for a kiss. He held on to your cheeks and languidly glided his lips to yours. It's slow, too slow that you just know he is savoring it for the last time. You let him melt down your sobs then.

He halted after a while with both of your lips barely touching and breathing in each other's air. "Isabel needs someone right now." He whispered.

"No. She has everyone to take care of her." You begged, completely setting aside the worries in pursuit of coaxing the man above you who had nothing in this life but pure suffering.

"Furlan is having a hard time. If a man as composed as him is having such difficulty keeping himself up then you really need to go back."

"Again, you just have to let me live with you. They have each other and we don't need to worry about them."

"How about me in that world? Who do I have there?" You were shot into silence then. Somehow, Erwin hoped you would be able to pitch in a name. Perhaps that'd make him reconsider his decision. When you didn't respond, he just smiled again and landed a chaste peck on the bridge of your nose.

"You need to come back and stop me from doing something irreversible or if I already did, you have to be there and forgive me." He landed another one on your forehead. "Because you're sweet like that, my dearest girl that's holding me with so much affection. You're the one who's been saving me all this time and I need another saving in that world right now."

"But I could just stay here, don't you want that? We could finally have good things together."

"The fact that there's a world where we could get that is more than enough for me. What you did in this world is more than enough for me." He said while hushing your tears away.

You start to feel as if you're being pulled away from your body, each second ticking until you disappear into thin air, until you leave the body that Erwin is holding so dearly.

No, just a moment. I'm not done yet. I need to have him realize that I'm meant to be here.

"You went through a lot as it is and I could finally stay beside you to get past our miseries. I was dead set on dying there but if I could have the chance to live with you here—" However, you realized that Erwin's words are to be heard as well because it's by his will that you're here. He's the one who vehemently desired to see you again even if it's just a glimpse. He's the one who begged for the parallel and had it full of glitches. "You won't let me go, would you?"

"I won't. I have you beyond worlds after all. See, you have this terrible man stuck on you for several lifetimes." It's as if the Erwin smiling in front of you also knows well that he had the final say as much as you do.

He lands another kiss as he finally decides to let you go, for this moment is the last one you'll ever have of him — the man who had tons of mistakes and sought to be forgiven, the one who died and still begged for you to save him, and the one who vehemently believed that seeing you again even just for a minute is more than he could ever wish for.

"Thank you for coming to me."

It’s as if your mind has been flying away inside an abyss since then. You could hear words but they’re just playing around in the air. What’s keeping you from breaking is that last moment playing inside your head so vividly on repeat. Despite not knowing how long you've been doing it, you're still more than thankful at the sight. There's no way you'd get sick of it when you're well aware that by the time it stops playing, you won't see nor feel the commander ever again.

On the day you finally got agency with your thoughts and body again, even for a short period, you woke up screaming. Your body reeked of sweat even though the temperature was not even high. The peaceful and well-cleaned room is spinning around your eye. Every corner of it is threatening you with death, kitchen knives, blood, scattered utensils, and broken plates. This wasn't even included with your worries until this very moment. There's a lump in your throat that makes it hard for you to breathe and it's more than enough to acknowledge that you're back for good. It's your body that's reacting to all of this, not your consciousness beyond this world.

Fortunately, everyone is inside the house today including Erwin. Kuchel’s household usually takes turns tending to you so everyone stopped in their tracks as soon as they heard you screaming in the room, from words like "mom" and "I'm sorry" up to painful cries about how you want to see your brother again. They stormed towards where you are. Everyone who'd go near you during these episodes could be perceived as a threat, that's why they have to be careful not to invade your space.

It was Kuchel who spoke first, gently and tranquil. The rest waited at the door. "It's okay, it's okay. Look at your surroundings. You're in a completely different place. No one's gonna hurt you here." Kuchel slowly walked.

You can't even hear her, not at all. "Mom, I don't–" You gripped your hair with both hands “I don’t remember. This isn't what I intended to create when I—" You cut yourself off with a shaky gasp as you clutched on your left stomach. "—it hurts. Oh, it hurts. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" You felt how it's bleeding, how it'd spurt out the blood from you anytime soon, your organs gushing out along the way.

Furlan and Isabel can't even look at you anymore. Levi still had his composed face but his eyebrows were curled, perhaps in worry, anger, or both. Erwin's expression was grim, nearly unreadable, as he followed your every move. Despite Kuchel's completely composed demeanor, this is an utterly painful sight to see as there's no wound in your stomach anymore. Your mother's not holding a knife at you because she's dead. She can't hurt you anymore. No one could.

Nothing but the flashes of memories that'd stay in you for the rest of your life.

That's the cue for her then as the pain perceived by your brain would distract you from seeing someone walking as a threat. She tried a palm on your head at first to test, but you flinched and screamed so she pulled back. Kuchel then stayed half a meter away, knelt down to your level, and whispered things only audible to the both of you. Slowly but surely, her whispers subsided your panic down into sobs. You still had your eyes shot really wide but the mind hysteria decreased. Kuchel tried to touch you again, this time you were calmer; she took that as the cue and gently engulfed you in her embrace. As she caressed your head, you hugged your knees. The sobs weakened until they became mere huffs. She then laid you down, let you curl yourself up in a fetal position, and closed your eyes after a while. Breathing became steady then. You're sleeping again. Kuchel finally halted her hands. That's when those who'd like to go near you entered, Erwin first.

Upon sitting on the bed, Erwin placed a hand on your cheek to check something, "She's having a fever again.”

Isabel is crying this time but she didn't dare utter a word anymore. She walked out to get a towel and basin with water. Levi reached a hand on top of her head though, halting her for a while. "I know that face. Don't blame yourself again. She's already here."

Her bottled-up thoughts finally broke. "Why did you listen to me? I'm your stupid sister, a good-for-nothing brat. I didn't even dare go to college. Why did you? Both of you should've known better!" She also shot Furlan a glare.

The way she's shouting at Levi is a completely new sight to see. Indeed, she tends to shout a lot but this one’s completely angry and spiteful. Even Furlan is completely taken aback. Isabel's train of thought has been crippled since that evening. Not only you who got physically harmed would be scarred in the mind. The only time she stopped waking and throwing up in the middle of the night was when you finally woke up.

Levi ruffled her hair. "I told you she's here already. No one will blame you. Not even Mom blamed you when you finally told her." He then moved Isabel's head to turn it towards Kuchel's. The mother flashed an apologetic smile at her. "Not even the brat lying down beside her would blame you. You know that much by now, don't you? You're the one closest to her here."

Isabel gulped the lump down her throat. Everyone paused. After wiping her face, she walked away without a word. She's still shaking. Her fists are clenched just as usual, so hard that her hands are stained with red marks.

"I'll buy meds outside." Furlan quietly excused himself.

Kuchel walked towards the two and patted their shoulders to say something. "Her father won't be coming back. He cut all his connections off and I discovered the other day that he already has a new family overseas. Maybe the divorce was what pushed that woman to her limits. I don't even know about it. Not even their child got aware." Erwin then widened his eyes. He's the one who initiated the search for him after all. "That's pretty much it. She's got nothing but us now. Not that it made any difference. It's been like this ever since." Then walked away as if nothing happened. Her composure did not falter at all. It says a lot about how her eldest is the same.

Then Erwin and Levi were left alone. Levi started. "You're fortunate she killed herself first before you could."

Erwin folded his arms as he leaned on the door jamb, watched your now tranquil figure then clicked his tongue. "Fortunate, you say?"

"What do you think would happen if this girl finally came back to her senses and discovered you became a murderer instead?"

"She already knew that'd happen.” He blatantly uttered it to you after all. He’s just quite uncertain if you would actually remember. “And yet I'm too livid to care, I don't think I ever could."

Of course, Levi should know this much by now. He changed the topic then. "When you went to her that day, did you bring a weapon?"

“I'm the one who gave her the weapon, even asked her to kill me. I got nothing but words. Do you think I'm the one who led her into that?"

"Don't throw questions on me. Explain what happened instead."

Erwin silently walked toward you and sat on the bed. Before answering, he fixed the blanket so it'd cover you properly. He made sure your head would be the only thing visible as if recalling your humorous exchange way back at the balcony could help in toning down his grim thoughts. His demeanor stayed dark though, utterly dark. "Nothing dangerous. Just told her she's already dead and I'm giving her the chance to choose if she'd be the one to do the final act or me. If she chooses me then I'd do her some service like the good man I am. Something that'd take a whole day."

"You—" Levi shot his eyes wide. "Urged her to do that?"

Instead of answering, Erwin busied himself brushing his hand on your head. You squeaked and moved a bit but didn't wake up. When he gave Levi a look again, the latter had to register the sight. Erwin looked utterly perilous right now despite his tranquil touches. His face was flat as stone, not even a curl on his eyebrows nor a scowl. The menacing glint in his eyes is more than enough to remark how angry he is right now and how unremorseful of what he did. He might be willing to do more, even. Levi almost shuddered. Considering how Erwin holds you right now despite the face he's having, it seems like you're the only one safe in this space as of the moment.

Levi doesn't want to imagine what would become of him if you really died. "What the fuck is up with that face?"

"She's the one who ended her suffering. Did herself a favor and died. Who do you think is the more fortunate one here, Levi?"

"What have you done, exactly?"

"I do deadlines in my profession a lot so I tried having it to her as well. If this angel doesn't wake up in two weeks—" Then his caresses slid on your cheeks instead. "Perhaps a stab, or having the nails removed, hour after an hour, no drugs involved, let her blood dry out all over her house. Anything, really. I also visited her daily for gentle reminders; told her that the time is ticking and that I accept requests. Gave her intricate details of what I would do to her if the deadline came. She tried to stay from one place to another to avoid me but I always ended up bumping into her coincidentally. I think the setup in this world is pretty much in my favor, unlike the previous one."

The search warrant didn’t even last for more than 24 hours. She was quickly found dead.

Realization daunted Levi. “I thought you only went to her place once.”

"You think that'd suffice? I'm as good as dead might as well bring her down with me. Want me to get more detailed about it?" It's not even a question meant for Levi's approval. It was perhaps a mockery he intended to voice out in this world. He's making every dust in this space right now hear how low he went and how he'd go further if the conditions set upon the girl he's holding are way crueler than what just happened. "I might've done my words so well because every day I visited her, she'd end up screaming and sobbing. I didn't even need to soil my hands. Her deranged mind is way too easy to corrupt. I gave her some gifts, perhaps the last one was her breaking point. It was the portrait of her dead son in Paradis. How he looked, how healthy and happy he was thanks to his sister who loved him so well like the sweetest girl that she is. How precious my woman is because she ended up saving everyone's asses, including that wicked mother only if she knew better than to make her existence known to me."

If something's horrifying Levi, it wasn't what Erwin did, not at all, but rather the lack of guilt on his features. It's as if a completely different man is sitting on the bed because the thing that's been crippling Erwin all his life is the same one he's lacking right now.

"All this time your life revolved around remorse and now you'd shit on me at how you didn't feel that at all?"

"Paying debts. Bullshit. Completely stupid.” He spat sardonically. “This girl's the one who paid for it all this time. I thought so highly of myself."

Levi brought a hand to his temples, massaged them slightly then spoke again. "I'm not in the mood to ask anymore. Spill everything now or get your hands off her and walk out of this house."

"When she told you that she wasn't supposed to exist, it's not a bluff to save that woman. She's the one who instigated this world in exchange for her existence." And finally, Erwin's grimness subsided. It was replaced with dread. "I don't even know why she's lying down here as we speak. A moment ago I was fighting my other self for dear life because I want her here and now I can't comprehend what's happening anymore."

"How do you even know it wasn't a bluff?"

"She's the one who instigated this world, made me survive my demise, and ensured that I'd witness everything in Paradis until the end. That's why I was sure to kill her mother, Levi. Because I don't think I'd have her again. Back then, I just knew she was dead the moment I saw her in my subconscious, and the thought of that woman living in a world granted by the girl she almost killed repulsed me." Erwin just looks tired, even worse than what Levi used to see when they were younger. "And now that she chose to come back to this world only to suffer like this: completely unresponsive and broken, I feel nothing but regret that I actually did that woman a favor by not having her dead in my hands."

Levi finally calmed down and silence enveloped the room for a while. He understands, he really does, but still, "I doubt you'd be sputtering grim shit out of your mouth if this girl's actually in her right mind and could hear you." With that, Erwin's dreadful face was replaced with sheer lament as if what Levi said brought him back. The latter could finally see him again then, the Erwin that he and everyone knows well.

"She already knew what I would do if she remained unconscious in this world. That's what took her to come back here even, but still, I don't think I'd ever regret what I did even if she comes to despise me, and I also saw something right after that woman died."

"Are you gonna tell me her mother instigated something as well?"

Erwin nodded, "I saw her brother, the one she had in that world but didn't have here, approximately a week after. He's in the form of a young child who doesn't remember everything about him at all."

Levi's eyes widened again. "How sure are you that it's him? Let alone it's because of that woman's death?"

"Aside from the fact that he completely looks the same, he's got nothing of himself aside from his first name. When I asked the foster home, that boy came to them a day after that woman died. He appeared out of nowhere, with no traces of people associated with him. What explanation is there aside from that?"

Levi doesn't even know what to say anymore, no follow-up questions and utterances of possibilities. The revelation is quite too overwhelming for him as well and he needs to wind out for now. "Nonetheless, you better tell her in complete detail about what you've done to her mother, Erwin. No matter how everyone here wouldn't take what happened against you, she’s the only one who holds the final verdict because she lived." Levi then grabbed his things in the room so he could finally go out. "Just as you told me that night, I'm neither a soldier nor a thug. You must remember that in yourself too because the only time I'd tolerate that deranged face of yours again is when she's finally buried six feet below the ground." He's in the doorway now and before he finally disappeared at the man, he shot him a glare. "If you dare show it to me again, let alone to her or anyone in this house, might as well go back to where you came from. I wouldn't be able to see you as someone safe to be close with my family by then."

Erwin pondered in silence as he looked down at his palms. He understood it very well and that's the same reason why he feels like laughing at himself now. He always had blood in his hands just because of his mouth and the feeling’s way too normal for him already, too normal that he can’t bring himself to care.

Perhaps not only that woman who laid her hands on you got an inherently wicked existence. That's why he knew how to deal with it when he came for her. He's not any different. 

"You need to come back and stop me from doing something irreversible or if I already did, you have to be there and forgive me."

The bitter laugh was let out, then. Shameless. Utterly shameless. Poor you, to be associated with deranged beings even in this life. Even after sacrificing so much.

Moments after, Isabel finally entered and Erwin let her tend to you as she usually does. She cleaned your body first and after a while, woke you up to drink meds. You've been seated since then. After her task, she sat down on the chair beside your bed and faced Erwin.

She noticed how grim the man's expression is as if he was just mirroring your face. His eyes are only glued to you as well and Isabel can't grasp what he's thinking. He's been like this ever since that happened. It's just that his face is way milder now that your eyes finally opened— she can't even say you're back because you're not. Since you got conscious until this very moment, no one was able to hold a decent conversation with you. If you're not asleep, you’d just stare out of nowhere or mumble incoherent stuff. You could nod sometimes but your muscles aren’t that responsive. What happened earlier is not the first one as well and they're all too scared, too horrified that you'd stay this way forever — gone for good, crippled for the rest of your life.

And thus Isabel looked down at the floor, clenched her fists again, eyebrows curled, and lips pursed all because of worry. "Erwin, uhm, it's been days since you last visited and she's…" Talking to Erwin about you makes her terribly anxious as if she's completely indebted to this man for being negligent all this time. "…still as unresponsive." 

"Is that so," Erwin's gaze didn't leave you. You're staring at the wall with a face not moving at all, just as usual. He lifted your arm to see if you could hold it up this time but as soon as he released it, the limb fell down flatly as if it was dead. It's as if you're a breathing doll. Breathing but dead. "Have she eaten already?"

"Yeah. Recently, I'm able to make her smell the food and then urge her to open her mouth slightly. She could do that much now."

"She's improved a lot, then. Didn't she have any reactions to the utensils you used? Like what she did back at the hospital?"

"I used a plastic spoon this time. We realized she's particularly getting hysterical at the sight of metal spoons and bowls. Odd. She's not afraid of the soup itself. Only with the utensils." Erwin just nodded and didn't say more. He just blandly busied himself by randomly picking on your face to see if a reaction would be pulled out — pinching your cheeks, holding your breath by pinching your nose, gliding his fingers on your eyelids and pulling it up a bit — but nothing happened. Isabel clinched on her knees further. "Recently, Levi told me that you're actually the one who gave him a heads-up about this. When you came here for the first time years ago, you said that you saw a wounded girl buying bandages and disinfectants at the convenience store."

"Levi decided to tell you everything now, I see." He recalled the incident. "I rushed to the counter first to pay it on her behalf and even added some stuff but that's all I was able to do. She looked so out of it, though. It's as if she's in auto-pilot mode. She didn't flinch when the cashier crew said her stuff had already been paid and left without a word. Similar to this, but she was able to walk and grab things somehow."

Isabel gulped the lump forming up in her throat, "And apparently, that's when Levi told us that the wounds she's been getting ever since we're children aren't accidents unlike she claimed so. We tried to slowly gauge her to address the matter at hand but we realized she doesn't remember them at all. On our next attempts, she said she saw it happening in her dream instead." Erwin hummed to acknowledge the redhead's remark. Isabel still can't decipher the look on his face and that alone reverberated her anxiety. It didn't take long until she started crying. It was when Erwin finally looked at her. "I'm so sorry. I was afraid because her mother had custody over her and if my mom confronted her about it, she might take her away from us and we'd never see her again. That's why Mom never knew everything until this happened. My brothers listened to that stupid remark and agreed that we should just take care of her behind the curtains. Look where it got her."

He's already aware of what Isabel just said and if he's on his usual self, he would immediately sense her impending cries — enough to comfort her before she could let them out. However, he's utterly spent right now, too exhausted to channel his astuteness. "It's not your fault. You never wanted this to happen."

"It is. We should've just forced her out of there. I can't believe my brothers listened to such a stupid remark." She hit her head with a hand continuously and sobbed. "Why did they listen to me?"

"The wounds Levi claimed she usually gets aren't grave. It could be classified as some sort of corporal punishment and it's more likely that she'd get away from it as most parents would. She doesn't even remember it herself. I'm not saying that the way you didn't inform Kuchel was right and wise but your fear was valid." Erwin replied and after pondering, added. "And Levi's actions were valid too. All of you are the ones who always rush to her whenever she needs help but Levi still tends to find her primary guardians every time. They're the ones most aware of her medical records and had direct contact with her physicians. You guys did what you could."

"But still, we could've done so much more if…"

"I don't think she'd ever blame you for that. Levi's right. Your remorse will just make her feel worse. She'd think you wouldn't be crippled with guilt if she worked on not being a burden. You should know how her mind works by now." Erwin proceeded to massage your limbs, a habit most people in the house developed since you really don't move most of the time. "Besides, everyone will really end up living with that guilt had she died but she's here instead, and so the present is what we must dwell on. You wouldn't be able to tend to her properly if you're burdened with that, don't you think?" It took time for Isabel to respond and when she finally nodded, Erwin smiled. It's a small one, but the first time she saw it again after a while. "You're one of the greatest reasons why she came back here. Thank you for sticking to her until now."

Isabel almost felt herself crying again as if a thorn finally plucked out of her skin. Erwin wasn't angry at her. Not at all. "You don't have to thank me for that."

Even before Erwin could reply, however, they heard you talk. It's a weak one. He scooted nearer and urged you to repeat it.

"Erwin… Nightmares…"

Isabel shot the man a look but he was as taken aback as she was. You never mentioned anyone's name aside from your mother and brother since you woke up. She scooted nearer as well, "You're not having nightmares, and yeah, Erwin's here."

"It's okay, you don't need to…" You murmured again, your face still dead. "...nightmares about them while holding me." As if you're a robot.

Isabel turned to Erwin again. Despite the shock, he still managed to answer. "Your words are enough for now."

Your response almost made Isabel gasp; you smiled, a genuine one at that.

"Can you go outside first? I'll talk to her." Erwin said to Isabel without shooting her a look. She quickly nodded and excused herself.

You didn't say anything after that so Erwin called your name as if to test the water, "You're back now."

Your face went back to flatness again. "I'll stay here. You don't need to convince me anymore. I'd love to…" Then your words become too incoherent to comprehend.

"That's right. You're here. You're talking to me."

"We can do the things we weren't able to do before. I would love to have that life. Inside the walls." You murmured flatly again.

Never in his life had he imagined himself to be so utterly lost on what to do. What would wake you up? What'd snap you back, perhaps a cue that'd make your mind perceive where you really are? 

After a long while of pondering, he started. "Seems like you ran from Levi's place up to here. That tea helps a lot with relaxation—" He trailed and urged himself to recall more. What did he say to you that day? "…welcome to my class. You may sit wherever."

Slowly but surely, your eyes widened. You're suddenly scared and your breath hitched. He let you process that at first.

When you started calling out for Historia, that's when he cupped your face and turned you to him. "There, there. Finally realized what world you're in now?" You looked completely horrified as soon as your eyes landed on him though. You're on that day again — the first time you met him, the moment you saw the man in your nightmares up front.

He quickly recalled another fragment of conversation to calm you down somehow. He can't afford to make you faint. "…if I get to remember the fact that I charged soldiers to death even by dreams then I have to atone for it." Slowly and fortunately, your reaction changed again. You curled your eyebrows as if questioning what he just said. It was the same one you gave him when he calmed you down at the lantern. 

It's working. "I don’t think we’ll see each other die in this world somehow." He almost choked midway, maybe due to the bitter feeling that remark exuded. Still, he continued. "—perhaps we could take that instead?" Your expression still had a hint of doubt but more relief washed your face now. Just the same one he saw when he picked you up on the road that midnight.

Another one, then, perhaps the last one if fortunate enough. "Setting an equal ground with me will not happen in that room and I'm close to finishing that nightmare. I'm preparing you for it."

"Are you gonna leave me after that?" You suddenly huffed in disbelief. "You said you won't!"

There.

"Try to look around then. Did I leave you?"

Finally, for the first time since you woke up, you looked around your surroundings. He removed his palms on your cheeks and regained his seat to give you air.

Still not done. The grounding is the next one. He asked you to label stuff: five things to see, four things to feel, three things to hear, and more. He made you raise a hand up, and more things to check on your movements.

It took quite a while to finish but when you did everything he asked for, Erwin finally smiled — the first genuine smile he had for a long time. Slowly but surely, he was able to come to terms with his ponders again. Whether or not his existence is inherently wicked, you came back here to forgive him. Like the dearest girl that you are, holding him with so much importance, saving him with your unwavering affection every single time.

He sat on the bed, tipped your chin, and called your name. "You did so, so well. You've been such a strong girl for us. You don't need to worry anymore. Everything's okay now."

It took you a while to reply. When you finally realized everything, you shakily asked. "Really? It is?"

"It is." He went for a kiss, then. A completely gentle one that lasted for a moment, something that both of you thought was gone for good. "Thank you for coming to me again."

The one who started his life selfishly was the one to let go, while the other who embodied selflessness in his entirety clung desperately.

what you wish for the commander, above anything else, is that he'd be happy worlds beyond. if he finds someone in the world where you managed to save him then what is to be sad for? indeed, he knows it well just as he knows you. he did as you want. but then again, what is grief if not love persevering? no matter how able are them to take the world off his shoulders or turn the stormy cloud into a rainbow, there'll still be a glimpse of you lurking around his windows—or perhaps on his own reflection, on the sword, even on his emerald bolo tie—for your existence is a shredding light, always illuminating the dreariest of days.

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#erwin smith x reader #erwin smith x you #erwin smith x y/n #erwin smith fanfiction #erwin smith modern au #Erwin Smith #erwin smith imagine #aot erwin x reader #aot erwin x you #snk erwin #snk erwin x reader #snk erwin x you #erwin x reader #erwin x you #erwin x y/n #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #professor erwin smith #aot x reader #aot x y/n #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan fanfiction #shingeki no kyojin x reader #shingeki no kyojin erwin smith #commander erwin smith #commander erwin #erwin smith angst #erwin smith slow burn #attack on titan smut

[bengiyo]

My Only 12% Ep 5 Stray Thoughts

Y'all, I am shaking with emotion and we haven't even started.

Last week I was screaming that it was vital that Eiw finish Love of Siam, and here we are with him sneaking down to watch it. This was also my gay experience in my teens. I watched so many shows and movies at almost muted with captions turned on.

What do we need to do to get this film remastered? Someone call the folks at Criterion Collection. If we can do this for Ghost Dog (one of my favorite films) we can do this for Love of Siam. I need to organize a viewing.

Okay, but I am super nervous about the focus of Eiw's viewing being Tong's mother convincing Mew to end their romance.

Seriously, what do these parts even mean to BL fans who haven't seen the film? It matters so much to me that New is referencing this film.

Oh fuck I keep forgetting that Prem is in this and it surprises me every time. Where's that gif from the office?

I keep seeing a lot of electrical retrofit in Thai dramas that involves using insulated pipes outside of the walls. It's definitely cost efficient, but there's your rehabber commentary for the week.

Hey that was a nice transition from one room to the other.

We have so much footage of Santa sleeping.

Damn, Santa is pretty. I get why Wabi Sabi signed him when he was 17.

I am enjoying Prem as an older brother.

I've been in genre too long. I can't remember Peak's character's name. It is fun to see him play with Earth. Neither really look like teens to me anymore though.

Oreo!!!! I know there's going to be something off about your character, but I'm glad to see you.

Very glad Cake learned keyboarding skills at his school. He does pick up skills, despite never doing his own homework.

I feel bad for these street vendors on busy streets. How much car exhaust have they inhaled? How much has ended up on food people have consumed?

Oh, Sand, you gonna order ice cream when you know you don't have no money?? I was prepared to frown at you, but I am still disappointed. And cab fare??

It's kinda fascinating that no one seems bothered that Eiw and Cake are as close as they are, but are all concerned that Eiw is clearly creating distance.

I know Earth is a good crier, but goddamn I just want his characters to triumph just ONCE.

I'm a big brother and one of the oldest cousins. I wish I'd had a big sister when I was struggling with figuring out who I was. The amount of internalized homophobia coming out of Eiw is making me feel heavy.

"Sis, if it's not wrong, then why [is] everyone in that movie...[un]happy?" Baby boy, that was what we've been asking for 15 years. The answer is that we needed straight girls to feel sad to move the needle. That we also had to be sad is the burden we carry for the young people behind us. You hurt, and it matters. Know that it was not for naught.

I am sobbing. This is a lot.

I hope there are more sisters out there like Hom.

I cannot properly articulate the depths of loneliness I felt in the aftermath of H. Katrina as I came of age as a queer person, nor would I want to on a reaction post like this. However, I hope many of you who are watching along and reading this are only curious and a bit confused. I hope you don't fully grasp how Eiw feels. I hope things were good enough for you that this wound doesn't linger.

Cake saw that something was wrong with Eiw. What will he do next? Of course he waits on Eiw's room to cuddle.

Aww, Cake, I love him asking direct questions.

Growing up is hard. These boys are going to break me.

It's so adorable that Eiw is protective of his big sister.

Oh lord this boy done put a bunch of Hom's pictures on the wall. I am NOT finding this cute.

Sand better not harm Eiw and prove Cake's worries correct.

Cake is on the phone with Rin in Eiw's bed. Frustrating.

Oh don't cliffhanger on a Now Kiss Moment that Cake doesn't even recognize.

Oh good it looks like we might resolve Sand next week.

#my only 12% #Thai bl #bl series #Ben watches

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

You asked: “If Jungkook didn't impress you, and you already knew of BTS and had a positive impression of them yet that wasn't enough for you to become interested, how did you become Army?”

To answer, I’d like to recommend an article from “The New Yorker.” I can’t include links in an anonymous ask, but you can search for “How BTS Became One of the Most Popular Bands in History,” by E. Tammy Kim in the June 21, 2022 issue. The author is Korean-American, so she has a connection to Korean culture that I don’t have, but a lot of this article paralleled my feelings. Her premise at the start of the piece is just curiosity: “To continue ignoring the BTS phenomenon was to risk missing something bigger than Beatlemania.” By the end of the article, she’s Army.

After the Good Morning America show this summer, I went back to watch that 2019 BTS performance on GMA. I don’t know why I suddenly became more curious about them this time, when I haven’t before—maybe I just couldn’t escape the cascade of BTS content that YouTube recommended after I searched for “BTS GMA Central Park.” But like E. Tammy Kim, I had a feeling like this was something I couldn’t ignore anymore.

People talk about going down the rabbit hole, and I went down it—hard. There’s just SO MUCH. When Kim started writing her “New Yorker” piece, a friend warned her, “This is the hardest story you’ve ever done,” referring to the sheer volume of BTS material she’d need to explore. I was astounded by the bottomless depths of it. But about a week into this deluge of content (which I was consuming in no chronological order), I came to an inflection point: the video of this “Black Swan” live performance from 2020: again, can’t include a link, but it’s on YouTube: BTS (방탄소년단) - Black Swan [Music Bank / 2020.02.28].

Up until that point, I’d still been thinking of BTS as a pop group. An extraordinarily prolific and astonishingly charismatic one, but still, within the bounds of the everyday. Something about that performance brought me to a hard stop. Suddenly I realized that…*BTS* was a work of art. Not “artists” in the literal meaning of “people who make a living in the arts.” Something bigger than that: BTS *itself* is the art. It’s the music, it’s video, it’s live performance, it’s livestreams, it’s freakin’ Run BTS, it’s Bangtan Universe, it's who they are as themselves, it's their relationship with each other and with Army...it’s *all of it.* I got so emotional about the whole thing that I had a sudden fit of sobbing. The less said about that, the better.

A few weeks later, I found that “New Yorker” article and I was so grateful, because a passage in it perfectly articulated what I’d felt: “…BTS mastered the craft of storytelling across platforms—what contemporary scholars call “transmedia” and what Heidegger called the “total work of art,” or Gesamtkunstwerk.”

The definition of Gesamtkunstwerk is “an artwork, design, or creative process where different art forms are combined to create a single cohesive whole.” See…that’s it. That’s what got me. The *wholeness* of BTS that transcends “pop.” It’s something so few artists have been able to do that it feels uncanny, almost mystical when it does happen. I find it indescribably compelling. I don’t know if that makes me Army or not, but here I am.

Just to bring things down to earth, I also just really, really, *REALLY* adore Suga. Sometimes I have an RM kind of day (as one does) but Suga and the whole Agust D universe? That’s…yeah. I have Agust D fan art in my house now and it’s *beautiful.* So you asked if I had a bias, there it is!

Thank you so much for being curious! I adore your blog and I’ve literally had no one to talk to about any of this, so forgive me for rambling on!

--A Muggle

Thank you so much for writing this. It's beautiful! RM would be proud.

I haven't read that interview, but it's great that it touched you and inspired you! It's funny that it was a music show performance of Black Swan that got to you. When you said Black Swan, I immediately thought you'd bring up the infamous MMA performance! But all Black Swan performances are good performances!

Agust D is my favorite member musically, and I relate to Suga so much! I don't know how you found my blog, but it probably wasn't because of my many reviews of his work?

Thank you for loving my blog, that makes me really happy!!! You can always come rant to me. You wrote so beautifully that I don't even know how to reply, but this ask has to be one of the best I've ever received! BTS *are* art indeed.

And you aren't a Muggle anymore! That can still be your nickname though! You're Army now. Welcome, first time with BTS?

Thanks for the ask!

#ask #bts #text #thanks for the ask! #this is such a beautiful story

[iantcjcnes]

it’s the twenty sixth of february, 1;48 pm, and i am going to be twenty six in two days. and my depression has reached such a level today that it is telling me to kill myself.  

and i don’t know what to do. (apart from not killing myself, obviously.)

at the moment i hate myself. well, i hate myself more than usual, which is a lot. i hate my depression i hate that i hate myself. i hate the way that no matter how hard i try i can never be normal. i hate the fact that 

i just. i want to do something with my life. and i know that i'm not gonna. i hate that i am a discount version of holly, unable to do anything without having someone to hold my hand. i hate that i cant make or answer phonecalls without fucking moral support.

i fucking hate how like holly i'm always going to be stuck mentally at the age of what-ever-the-fuck-teen, being unable to be a functioning member of society. 

i wish that depression and anxiety didn’t fucking haunt every decision that i make. i wish I didn’t have to win a battle with myself every time i even thought about leaving the house. i wish that i didn’t feel so guilty every time i looked at the dog because i suck so much, that i can’t even take him for a walk. 

i hate the fact that i almost wish that i had killed myself when i was a teenager to stop the adult me, current me from feeling this way.

i wish I could fucking clean by myself, without forcing my mum or holly to hurt themselves to get me off my backside. i wish i could force myself to do the dishes, or fucking force myself to remember two buttons on the washing machine. but i can’t, and mum with her shitty legs has to do it for me. 

i see mum struggling to pay for things this month, and i know i should be helping. i know i could be helping, but i just cant. i cant articulate why but living here, rent free makes me feel so selfish and so shitty

i want to be an adult, with a job that i can do that i don’t hate, that pays the bills and lets me live comfortably. i want to be able to be spontaneous and do random things. i'm thinking about joining the army (which i wont because i suck so much that no matter what i do i know that i'll never be fit/thin enough.)

i want to be a streamer (but i wont because i suck, my voice sucks, my teeth suck, and i can’t get a fucking microphone to work.)

i want to act (but I cant for all the reasons i just mentioned. i want to get a history degree and do something with it. (but i cant because i don’t know how. i don’t know how to start where to start when to start, and i refuse to burden my mum further.)

i know tomorrow will be another day. i probably won’t feel this way for a week, a month, a year. but i know that i will. like a bad stomach after an awful curry, this feeling will again overwhelm me. i want to stop feeling this way i just want my brain my body myself to metamorph into a functioning human being. i want my brain to stop. 

i want i want i want i want

my mental health is like an unexploded bombshell, and the rest of me is the unwilling city waiting for it to go off.

… i actually sobbed while writing this. fuck  

#ruan rants #lmao ignore me guys i just need to rant somewhere #depression tag

[mystical-strawberry-sheep]

"Please stay out of my head today..."

Hanekoma looked up from what he was doing to the young lady taking a seat at his counter, eyes downcast and shadowed by the bill of her cap. It wasn't entirely out of the ordinary for her to come in in a state like this, but the request was odd. Aku always had a hard time saying what was on her mind, so she usually preferred to have her thoughts read. Sure, there were always rules. There were still things in her mind she preferred not to address, like the imaginary boyfriend situation or her more childlike thoughts. But for the most part she was happy to let him scan her and puzzle out the thoughts and emotions she couldn't find the words to articulate. She had never really asked for him to just stay out before.

Hanekoma turned back to start making her usual order, and he spoke to her over his shoulder, "What happened? Do ya wanna talk about it?"

"No..." A soft reply. He had to strain to hear it.

Whatever it was must have been awful, he thought. She found comfort in his words, usually. She always wanted to talk to him, to get all of that pain off of her chest and have someone to hide in. It was uncharacteristic of her to ask not to have an outlet.

"I can't help ya if ya don't talk to me, ya know," he said softly. "Not that I want to force ya or anything, but... You know it's not gonna get better until ya talk to someone about it."

He waited but received no answer, so instead he finished up the coffee and brought it around so he could see her for himself. As quiet as she had been, he should have known that she was crying. Silent and still, and refusing to look up, the only real way to tell was the streaks along what parts of her cheeks weren't covered by the bill of her cap and the droplets falling on the countertop. Whatever happened had really bothered her, and he wasn't sure what to do to help.

Another stress on top of all of the rest...

He reached under, and Aku flinched hard as his hand came up to gently wipe the tears away. She was trembling all over, and while she didn't pull away she was trying very hard to remain rigid and unyielding to his attempt to comfort her. It was almost like she was trying to run away from him. He couldn't understand it, not without dipping into her head. She had asked him not to, but... Would it really hurt, just this once?

"There is no helping," she choked. "No one can help me. I'm awful. I hate myself so much. I hate everything about myself. Why are you like this? Why am I like this? I wish I were..."

"Don't," Hanekoma cut in. It didn't sound like she was going to continue that sentence, but just in case he didn't want to give her the space to. "Don't say that. Sweet Tooth, if ya just tell me what's goin' on in that head'a yours... or at least lemme look on my own, I could probably help ya feel better, ya know? I could make it better."

Shaking, Aku pulled her arms up and buried her face into them, sobbing even harder. No way to hide the sounds now, she cried heavily into the shelter she'd made of herself. She had come here even though she knew it was a bad idea. What did one do when their safe place turned into a prison? A trap? A torture house? How did she find safety when the person who had always made her feel safe was now the aggressor?

And he didn't even know it. And she couldn't find a way to explain it without ruining everything. And there was no chance of what she was looking for anyway, because it was all an idolized dream that didn't exist in reality. Why was she like this? Why did she get so attached to people that did not care about her? Why did she always become so desperate when she felt like someone was being kind to her? No one would ever care about her, no matter what she did, and it would always end poorly, so why did she keep letting herself get close to people?

A warm hand on her back, and she didn't have the energy to pull away. It wasn't in her head, either. Mr. Hanekoma always pet her when she was feeling bad. So perfect, this person. So wonderful and loving. Probably surrounded by people who were vying for his attention. Considerate and trustworthy. And she had to go and ruin everything.

Her energy fell away, and before she could really do anything about anything or get up and leave, she'd fallen asleep right there at the counter, coffee untouched. Hanekoma moved her around a bit to remove and clean her glasses, but he didn't try to wake her up. That would have only happened because she was exhausted from this, and if he couldn't help her, the least he could do was take care of her.

He refrained from peeking in her mind. And she dreamed that things were different.

#ooc: princess aku #fanfiction: storybook #fandom aku: where the gates lead #twewy aku: watching planes of existence #mentioned: strawberry barista #//i don't write enough drabbles of my characters interacting w each other #//i should remedy that #angst tw #suicidal ideation tw #low self esteem tw #ask to tag

[kiwibirdlafayette]

Hello! I just wanted to say that i love your Tom analysis I’ve read it so many times and while I was watching Capsize and Tom interact, your essay of him popped into my mind. And I wanted to connect our points, if that’s alright?

The act of receiving items is something that is very indicative of the personality of both the giver and receiver. When it comes to the gods, Mianite gives a wooden sword and leather armor while Dianite gives considerably great quality armor and weapons in comparison.

You state in your essay that the relationship between Tom and Dianite is transactional. And I think that Capsize is as well with the champions. For instance, for building a ship she gives Tucker a map, for the pufferfish Jordan gets three redstone, and when she transports the mooshrooms to the island she expects payment for that.

But when it comes to Tom she gives him very personal and personalized items. Nemo, her old vessel whose sails she changed to red (used to be white), and a sword with unbreaking 20 expecting nothing in return for any of them. In fact he never has to fear her taking any of that away because she states that “ye can’t be claimin’ a gift back! That be rude!” (she says this to Jordan when he asks for his gold back). She even comes to his defense when Jordan mistakes the ship to still be hers.

In the beginning Capsize is adverse to Jordan not only being a captain but at the thought of being co-captains together. Both Jordan and Tucker are her subordinates, but her and Tom are on an equal standing because she named him captain of her old vessel! She knowingly did that, seeing how the sword she gifted is named Captain Syndicate’s Cutlass.

Someone who holds no expectations from him, respecting him, and going out of her way to be kind to him must be such a breath of fresh air for Tom. So unlike his god and even his fellow champions at times, once you get a taste of that it’s hard to fit back into an old mold of yourself.

Crazy how season one ended with the both of them being best friends.

(I hope I articulated that well. Anyways I also wanted to say that I love the way you use colors in your art. I think you make the colors really pop and it’s always a pleasure to look at when it shows up on my dashboard)

YOOOO HOLY FRICK oh my gods yes this is more than alright this is absolutely awesome! :OOOO I'm so happy u liked the analysis and had come to mind while you were watchin the eps like thats geniunely so cool! :D I honestly love that so much for them, you're makin me wanna go and watch the capsize eps from Tom's POV since I've only really watched Jordan's POV I NEVER REALLY. ended up catching a lot of this like. im actually gonna start sobbing /pos The idea of Capsize contributing to Tom's realization and shift from seeing affection and care as a transactional, conditional thing into something that has no expectation tied to it makes so much sense, it fits so well, it explains a lot of what i was picking up Im so sad I hadn't caught more of that earlier when I was writing like man. man. from Jordans POV all of the tom-capsize dynamic is framed as a negative thing bc of the chat shippers but!! no it makes so much sense why it never hit that way for me

moreso reason to be big sad about her like dying like what I literally would do to have seen more of their friendship what the f u c K

thank you so so much for this incredible brainrot /pos i am going to be thinkin about this for the rest of time actually (and awe yo tysm! ;0; <3)

#asks #answered asks #licantropa #lafakiwi talks #the more i learn about capsize the more i love her #i will watch every pov back one day (only the capsize eps) #mianite #captain capsize #tom syndicate #character analysis #sorry if i sound all over the place im literally bouncing off the walls #this connection is just. the world to me