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caffeinewitchcraft · 2 years

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Narrative Town: Uncle Ralph

Summary: It's a Rule not to get involved in grown-up stories. But when your parents' lives are in danger, even you will break a Rule.

Based in this world (X) where a magic town forces people to live out popular stories/tropes

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You’re used to your parents coming in and out of the house at all hours of the day. They always have a good excuse for why they keep such unusual schedules, but there’s no way they could have an excuse for everything. Being full time thieves is a hard thing to hide.

While they do their best to keep you out of whatever heist they’ve planned, there are some things that slip through. A grappling hook hanging over the edge of the mantle. A map of City Hall spread out over the dining room table, only partially covered by the nice table cloth that you use during the holidays. Police sketches on the news that bear a striking resemblance. Little things. Things you can ignore.

The old guy sitting at the table when you come down for school? Yeah, not something you can ignore.

“Oh,” the old guy says. He looks like he scams people who own yachts. His salt-and-pepper hair is slicked back and he’s wearing a linen suit at seven in the morning. He casually flips his phone face down and starts gathering suspicious financial documents back into a folder in front of him. “Good morning, kiddo.”

There’s a clatter from the living room and your mom lunges through the doorway. You haven’t seen her in two days and she looks rough. There are dark bags under her eyes and her hair is a frizzy cloud around her head.

“Fern,” she says, voice, tight, “honey. I thought you were staying at Caiden’s house.”

“I did the night before last,” you say. You’re trying to figure out how involved you need to get here. The guy is looking at you with way too much interest. It’d be just your luck if he tries to use you against your parents later down the line when he inevitably betrays them. At the same time, he looks like he’d leave one of your parents for dead if it benefited him in any way and you do not want that to happen. You let your backpack slide off your shoulder. “Who’s this?”

“Um,” your mom says. “He’s— he’s—“

The guy sits there smiling slightly, delighting in the rising tension.

“He’s—“

“My half brother,” your dad says from behind you. He’s got motor oil high on his cheek and smells faintly of sweat and iron. He grins and, being a much better actor than your mom, you can only see a bit of uneasiness in his eyes. “Fern can know, darling. I don’t want to keep it a secret anymore.”

The guy is delighted. He rubs his hands together as he stands, stepping around the table to hug you. “That’s who I am,” he says, arms spread wide and a shit-eating grin on his face. “Your uncle. Uncle Ralph.”

Your dad steps in front of you, pretending like the hug was meant for him. You’re treated to Uncle Ralph’s grimace as he’s forced to accept the bone-shaking slaps your dad rains on his back.

“So good to have him back,” your dad says, clear warning in his voice. He turns, one arm still slung over Ralph’s shoulders. They look nothing alike. Your dad is completely bald, shoulders well-muscled under his working shirt, and he’s got a face made for laughing. Ralph is cologne-ad-handsome and scowling. Your dad forces himself to smile. “He’s only staying with us for a couple days.”

Yikes. You watch your mom hover in the opposite doorway. She’s not happy at the sound of Ralph staying for a couple of days, you can tell. But she doesn’t say anything to contradict them and her eyes are like daggers on Ralph rather than your dad.

You study the three adults. You make it a rule to never get involved in adult stories. There’s always a higher chance of a bad ending. Death, dismemberment, general mayhem. Unless there’s a romance component to their stories, there’s very rarely a happily ever after. Judging by your parents’ reactions, romance with Ralph isn’t in the future. So it’s a regular heist story. Regular heist stories with a kid…

Well, they end really, really badly. Usually for the parents. Unless the kid steps in at just the right time.

“Awesome,” you say. You run over your school schedule, calculating. There aren’t any tests coming up and you haven’t missed any classes yet this quarter. “Can I stay home from school? I’d love to get to know Uncle Ralph better.”

Your mom makes a noise of protest. “Did you say you had a- a school project?”

“Nope,” you say cheerfully. You kick your backpack to the side and slide around your dad to go to the fridge. You’re going to need breakfast before this one. “I can take a day off.”

“Won’t Caiden miss you?” Your dad is better at hiding his desperation than your mom, but you still catch the edge in his voice. “You can always see Ralph after school—“

“Caiden needs to make his own friends eventually,” you say. You keep looking in the fridge so they can’t see the expression on your face. You’re very worried about Caiden, but he knows the Rules. You’ve got to believe he’ll be fine for one day. Two, tops. You turn with a yogurt in hand to blink innocently at your parents. “Why can’t I just take one day off?”

“Well,” your dad hedges. “That’s—“

“Just one,” your mom says. She ignores the panicked glance your dad sends her. “Okay?”

The magic takes hold all at once. You watch as it washes the resistance from your parents’ shoulders so that they stand, slumped and defeated on either side of Ralph. It settles into your bones and whispers your new possible roles into your mind. Child. Hindrance. Bait. Winner. Loser.

“Great!” Ralph claps his hands together. His eyes are calculating as he looks you over. “I can’t wait to get to know you, Fern.”

You bare your teeth and take glee in the half-flinch Ralph can’t hide. “Same, Uncle Ralph,” you say. “Same.”

——48 hours later ——

Alarms blare, earth shatteringly loud in the stillness of the night. You’re crouched under a desk, a flash drive clenched in one hand, waiting for your parents to come back to get you. The complex is big enough that they’d hidden you in one building and gone to create a distraction in the other. If all goes to plan, the three of you will be at home in less than an hour.

You breathe in deeply through your nose, straining your ears for any indication that they’re on their way. All of your preparation comes down to this moment. There’s nothing else you can do to influence the story.

Someone enters the office and shuts the door behind them.

You hold your breath, knuckles white around the flash drive.

The screaming of the alarms continues but muffled enough that you can hear the footsteps of the person approaching your hiding spot. Your heart sinks. Not two sets of footsteps. One.

“Little niece,” Ralph croons. He stops what sounds like a dozen feet from your hiding spot. “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

Your mind races. He’s supposed to be dead. The first phase of the plan had involved swimming through flooded tunnels to get into the building. There’d been a problem with the equipment and he’d forced your mom to take his oxygen tank so she could continue on. Your mom cried when she got out, relaying how he’d swum away from her to hide his final moments.

He made my mom cry, you think. You roll out from under the desk, gaining your feet in the walkway between cubicles to face Ralph head on.

“Not surprised? I figured. I knew you knew I was alive,” Ralph says. He doesn’t look like a scam artist anymore. No, he looks like a true villain. His hair is tangled around his face and he’s no longer in the wetsuit you last saw him in. He’s wearing a guard’s uniform.While you and your parents struggled to infiltrate this place, he just walked right in the front door. “Clever little niece.”

You feel the magic of the town all around you now, thrumming with tension. If there was an orchestra soundtrack, it would be swelling over this dramatic reveal. You’re dressed like a mini-version of your dad in a full, black jumpsuit and you’ve got your mom’s grappling hook over your shoulder. Ralph’s uniform is all white and tan, just like the suit he first appeared in. You’ve been changed by this story. Dragged out of the naive high schooler persona you once inhabited to become a thief, like your parents.

Ralph? Ralph was always going to betray you.

“What happens now?” You gesture to Ralph and then to the building your parents are still in. “You fake your death and…take the flash drive?”

“By force, if necessary,” Ralph agrees. He smirks. “I knew I would never be able to take it off your dad or your mom. They’re the best hand-to-hand specialists in the business. But their defenseless, untrained daughter? It was a cakewalk to manipulate the situation in my favor.” His face hardens and he holds out a hand. “The flash drive, Fern. I know you have it.”

You let the moment stretch. The alarms are still blaring and you don’t hear the car horn that’s supposed to be the signal for you to come out. Your parents aren’t coming yet. They probably won’t make it in time.

Your shoulders shake. You duck your chin against your chest to hide your expression. The flash drive is hot in your hand.

“I don’t have all day, Fern,” Ralph growls. “Give me the flash drive!”

You give in. You throw back your head, howling with laughter.

Ralph blinks, hand faltering. “What?”

“I knew you knew that I knew you faked your death,” you say. You snort a little. “Giving up an oxygen tank? Swimming away to die? It was all just a little too kind for the Uncle Ralph I know.”

Ralph clicks his tongue. He’s wrong-footed, eyes darting to the doors and windows, but trying to hide it.“You should know that I’m not your uncle.”

“No duh,” you say. You wipe your eyes. “That’s why I’ve been watching you this entire time. I know you were in contact with the CEO. I know he paid you to steal the prototype and blame my parents for its theft and for the theft of the financial records.”

“Well,” Ralph says, “I knew you overheard that phone call. So I’ve been monitoring your conversations with your parents this entire time! That’s how I found out that they were planning to frame me for the theft of the financial records if we got caught. So I faked my death and set the alarms off on them so they’d be caught red-handed!”

“I knew you knew I overheard the phone call,” you counter. A spotlight outside swings towards you, silhouetting you for this revelation. “I knew that neither of my parents could stop you when you had such a powerful backer. Only one person could get in your way. That’s why I called —“

“The police, I know,” Ralph says. He takes an aggressive step towards you and the spotlight casts him in shadow like an avenging angel. “What you don’t know is that I was the operator on the other end of the line! I knew you knew your parents wouldn’t be able to get out of my little web. They were going down and there was nothing you could do to stop it. Why you didn’t tell your parents, I don’t know. But I knew the instant you knew I faked my death, you’d call. So I hacked your phone—“

“I knew you hacked my phone,” you interrupt, taking your own aggressive step forward. Ralph’s mouth clicks shut. The magic of the story wavers around you as the plot twists yet again. “So I played your little game and pretended that I thought I was talking to the police.” You draw out your phone and turn it to show Ralph. “But really? I was sending an email to your boss.”

The magic is really confused now. It undulates around you, trying to keep the narrative tension tight. Ralph is struggling to follow the timeline of what you’re describing and, to be honest, so are you.

“The CEO?” Ralph shakes his head. “No, he’s already in on everything. He knows that I hired your parents to steal the financial records to cover for when I stole the prototype for him so that the shareholders would never know it doesn’t work—“

Magic sparks out of his eyes as he talks faster and faster, trying to keep one step ahead in this convoluted story. You’d pity him if he hadn’t made your mom cry.

“Not him,” you say, “your real boss.”

The magic snaps like a twig. The alarms stop blaring and the searchlight blinks out as the electricity dies in the building. The light of the full moon streams through the windows. Ralph gapes at you, frozen with his hand still outstretched for the blank flash drive you’re holding.

“Don’t you think it’s strange,” you continue softly. This is the tricky part. You’ve met Ralph toe-to-toe. If you’re not careful, you’re going to become his arch nemesis. “Why would the CEO hire not one, but two teams of thieves for this?”

“Your parents are the smokescreen,” Ralph says numbly. But his eyes are far away. “So that I don’t get caught stealing the prototype—“

“But the CEO wants people to know the prototype got stolen,” you say. The magic is starting up again, this new narrative forming right before your eyes. You talk a little faster. You need to get out of the center of the story before it solidifies. “Why wouldn’t he just hire the one team to do that? Why the financial records as well? It doesn’t make sense.”

Ralph is silent for a long moment. Then he inhales sharply, body jolting as if waking. “No,” he breathes. “No, it does.”

You nod. “The shareholders are your real boss. They don’t want the stock to go down. They want it to go up. Their real goal is the financial records. The prototype is a trap. A trap for—“

“A trap for me,” Ralph says. He finally looks back at you, his jaw square. There’s the sound of a car engine in the distance. “I see it now. I see everything. From the very beginning, it wasn’t about the company. It wasn’t about the money. It wasn’t even about the CEO. It was about me.”

Oh geez. You watch as Ralph paces to the window. You weren’t going to say that. You were going to claim the prototype theft was a trap for the CEO. That way the shareholders could put someone a little more willing to fudge the books in power. That way Ralph and the CEO would team up against the shareholders and resolve it together. If Ralph thinks this whole ridiculous sequence of events revolves around him…

You purse your lips and stay quiet as Ralph stares out towards the other office building.

“I’m sorry,” Ralph says. He turns and, with the moon backlighting him, he looks very tragic. Like a lone wolf. Or an anti-hero. “Forget everything you know, Fern. I shouldn’t have dragged you or your parents into this.” He closes his eyes briefly. “This is…this next job has to be me. Just me.”

You like the sound of that.

“My parents think you’re dead,” you say. You hold up your hands when he looks tragically back at you. “I don’t know what you realized, but this?” You whistle lowly. “I’m seventeen. I can’t be involved in this.”

“And you won’t be,” Ralph says. He clenches one hand into a fist, shaking it slightly. “After everything I’ve done, I owe your parents that. So long as they think I’m dead, they’ll be safe. All of you will be safe.”

“Great,” you say. A car honks outside. “Be safe, Ralph.” You turn to go.

“You too, Fern,” Ralph says. He laughs a little, seemingly unbothered by your hasty retreat. “It was fun being your uncle.”

You’re almost to the door. The magic is at your back. “Yep. Too bad you’re dead to us now. Off on your lone-wolf crusade. Later.”

“Wait!”

You unwillingly pause at the door. You can feel the story drifting all around you. You don’t turn to look at him. “Yes, Ralph?”

“Your mom,” Ralph says awkwardly. Like the words hurt him. “She… she cried for me, didn’t she?”

Oh, yuck.

“Nope,” you say. “No, she did not.”

“Oh,” Ralph says, nonplussed. “I just thought—“

“Bye, Ralph,” you say and race out the door.

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Thanks for reading! I really love this universe and especially Fern!

Next week’s short story is already up on my Patreon (X)! If you’d like to support me and read stories a full week in advance, please check me out there!

Summary: You are caught by a devil in the woods. She wants to talk about deals and you have always been a good listener.

#my writing #second person #narrative town #fern is a badass #omg caiden was left alone #he is not going to be handling that well #lmaooooo

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formosusiniquis · 1 year

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When Mike Wheeler, red faced and still faintly tear stained, asks him how he knew he liked both Steve doesn’t know how to tell him it was his sister.

Before Nancy Wheeler it had only been boys. Before Nancy Wheeler Steve had been sure he was gay and knew well enough to keep it to himself; dating around enough to earn himself a protective reputation. Before Nancy Wheeler there’d been Marcus Summers, from the baseball team, during freshman year. Steve had gone to every game, and had been forced to make up excuses about schoolwork and his other commitments when asked why he hadn’t tried out for himself. Before Nancy Wheeler there’d been Tommy Hagan. The summer between seventh and eighth grade had been very kind to Tommy, he was sunkissed and boy next door sweet, Steve had wanted to hold his hand and count the freckles across the bridge of his nose.

Before Nancy Wheeler there’d been his first love, a boy who only visited one summer, the year Steve turned ten. His name had changed every time they hung out but he’d favored E’s. Eli, Emmett, Elliott, Eric, Excalibur, Excelsior, and once for about an hour Wayne. His hair brushed his chin in pretty brown curls and his big brown eyes were always bright with excitement. He always got storm off mad when any of the other boys they’d played with that summer said he was acting like a girl, E would run off to the woods and Steve would always follow. E always came up with the best games anyway, he didn’t like playing soccer or HORSE or anything else with rules that couldn’t be bent; he preferred imagination games where they were knights or wizards. He didn’t laugh when Steve said he always liked playing house, but never wanted to be the dad because why would he want to be someone who never wanted to spend any time with his kids. E who, while insisting on being called Samwise all day, was his first kiss.

Cause he knows what Mike wants to hear. He’s seen the way Mike and Will have danced around each other since the last portal closed. He’s heard the things Mike has said to and about Will. He’s heard all about the week that Will was in the Upside Down. He’s heard all about the summer of ‘85. He’s heard all about the final off again that seems to officially mark the end of Mike and El romantically. He knows that Mike wants him to say that he’d never even thought about boys before he met Eddie. That there’s just something special about Eddie that makes him want to give up his lady killing ways. That Eddie was different. That it was okay that he was having these scary new thoughts, maybe Will was just an exception.

And Steve doesn’t know how to have that conversation. When he realized he liked both it was a relief, that maybe he could have something normal and wouldn't have to spend his life lying or hiding.

But Eddie was different. Eddie was special. Eddie was probably it for Steve which is scary in a different way that he’s not ready to touch yet -- not when it’s only been three months.

There’s never been another girl since Nancy Wheeler, not really

There will never be another boy after Eddie Munson.

So he tries to help, as best he can. It’s easier with Eddie there, not quite dozing against his shoulder -- the kid’s emergencies always seem to come so late at night these days. “When I was ten, there was a boy whose name kept changing who decided prince charming should get to kiss his faithful knight. And when I was sixteen, your sister-”

Mike’s goodwill diminishes quickly as his sister gets introduced to the conversation.

“Stevie,” Eddie says. It’s not an admonishment for bringing up Nancy. It’s awestruck and watery. “You remember that?”

“Of course I remember the first boy I ever loved," that word catches up with him a second later. Remember.

Cause there's Eddie with his riot of brown curls and his Bambi eyes. Eddie, who has explained why soft feminine words chafe against his skin leaving him itchy and anxious. Eddie, who has an Uncle in Hawkins. Eddie who moved to town the summer before he entered high school with a buzzed head and his mother's last name. Eddie who finally settled into an E he liked best.

"Wheeler, here's a tip from me to you," Eddie says, his advice is always better received than Steve's anyway, "if you have to ask you probably already know."

"Straight people don't really spend much time wondering if they aren't really straight," Steve agrees.

They don't rush Mike out the door, a crisis is a crisis and even in the wake of new discoveries Mike deserves to be heard out. Deserves a chance to cry and rage and feel those emotions someplace safe from his Reaganite father -- just as much as Will deserves to have someone who knows what they want come to him, deserves better than experimentation.

They cross the bridge from late into early by the time Mike sets off. The sun is creeping up over the horizon and Mike looks solid, certain; the dawn hints at the man he is growing up to be. Though every instinct of Steve's begs him to drive the kid home, Eddie's soft hand lingering at his hip holds him fast. They wave instead, encouraging Mike to go home and to bed before he does anything; knowing his front bike tire is already pointed toward the Byers-Hopper place.

"The first boy you ever loved, huh, Stevie?" Eddie teases before the door has even managed to click shut.

"And the last, I'm hoping, if I play my cards right."

"You were always pretty good at that. You were the only person that summer who called me by my name, except Wayne."

"It was your name." He knows that's too simple. Knows how hard Eddie has had it, continues to have it. But that summer it had been that simple, Eddie trying on names like shirts each one fitting until they didn't. "For what it's worth, I like Eddie a lot more than Excalibur."

"Oh fuck off, I was going through a fantasy knight phase. Which I know you remember."

"Right a phase, and how much longer is this fantasy 'phase' going to last?"

They're the kind of tired that makes you feel drunk, when Eddie tackles Steve and sends them both to the floor and to giggles. Eddie might not have been his bi awakening, but Steve is pretty fine with him being his everything else.

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #trans eddie munson #implied byler #steddie fic #my fic #i do worry that sometimes i come across as a nancy hater #which i cant emphasize enough is not the case #nancy is a complicated character and i love her and she and steve are not good for each other #also eddie trying on wayne because wayne was the first adult he told that he wasnt a girl and who handled it well #wayne at the breakfast table like okay then what is your name if its not [redacted] and eddie does not have an answer yet #so wayne says well just tell me when you get up what youre going by #so he decides while playing that day that its wayne #and that lasts exactly as long as it takes for steve to call him that before hes like nope thats weird #eddie is short for edmund but also short for eddie the head #eddie contains multitudes

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hood-ex · 6 months

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Dick and Duke and their "forget about Batman, I'm figuring out my parent problem myself" mentality.

Batman: Dark Victory #10

We Are Robin #1

#also it should be noted that this is only one iteration of how dick handled his parent's deaths #and in other iterations he does have bruce's help #but y'know just for funsies we'll bring in dark victory dick #also should bring in n52 dick bc he was going out by himself as well if i'm remembering correctly #Dick Grayson #Duke Thomas

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 9 months

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Peeped the horrors

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #a-qing #xue yang #A-qing went 'there are horrors he is committing and I am going to peep them' and then faced horrors that she could not fathom #The fact she sees the evidence first hand but it genuinely is too much to handle is a lovely tragedy that betrays her youth #It is interesting that she clearly does have more knowledge than the lay person about cultivators and night hunts (possibly from xxc?)#she does mentally call out xue yang for using the right terminology (betraying his 'no one important' façade)#but corpse poisoning is...well....probably not something she could have known about #so instead she has to encounter this horrible and suspicious event and justify it to keep herself sane #Ah....that's not going into the really interesting ambiguity of xue yangs targets #the people he kills specifically slandered *all three of them*#Was it just for himself? Was there a sense of protectiveness over his two blind companions?#I don't want an answer. I love that it is ambiguous #And oh man. having the noble XXC do the killing is so deviously evil. What a loaded chekov's gun.#you know xxc is gonna have a breakdown over it *when* he finds out. Its all a matter of timing #ok ok funny tag time #I think little apple and xy should meet up so they can swap arson tips. Truly the power team nobody wants. Not even them.#they would fight to the death and little apple would *win*#EDIT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY XUE YANG

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fauna-and-floraa · 7 months

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Fav skz moments // Do you know what else is big?

#countdown to HIS bday it's my fav cb moments baby #christopher bang #bang chan #stray kids #skz #bystay #skz gifs #staysource #stray kids gifs #bang chan edit #Can I just say as a girl who has had people randomly comment that I have a big nose he handled this so well bc I would have dropped #a certain C word favoured by australian's on that commenter and jype pr would be having a whole ordeal #really tho what possesses a person i had a guy hit on me by saying i have a big nose and then going 'but i like that kind of thing' ???#I didnt ask if you like my nose. I didnt tal to you at all. im insecure about it so now i hate your ass for makin me THINK about it #all stems back to my childhood bestie saying something in the back of the car but i've talked enough about my apparent nose complex already #suffice to say: I love your nose Channie #jesskz

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starwikia · 1 month

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suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am.

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions.

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT.

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post.#before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly #again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but.#he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin.#its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it #its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people #we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves #so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit #like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it?#yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice.#this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi #gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism #its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt #if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions.#hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him #like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me.#its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it.#for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong #oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this.#james somerton #idk might delete this later its just. ugh...

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verdantglow · 11 days

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All the ‘zona dads + Brits + Iskall completely fucking losing it at the Hot Ones Challenge.

A couple of them tap out.

& Joe Hills just walks up, eats the ENTIRE FUCKING NUMBER 8 WING, & washes it down with COKE.

& then proceeds to do the same with the LAST TWO WINGS, just taking leisurely taking bites of his wings, nodding as he considers the flavors, a sip or two of Coke here or there.

“I’m hungry! I knew we were gonna be eating!” [gestures at table of ridiculously spicy wings]

This man is a cryptid & I love it.

#nah but actually I think it’s just that he’s from Nashville #& no one else is particularly good at spice #(Except Pearly.)#(Pearl just going in on the last wing before anyone else even processed the last one.)#(She is also a bamf.)#Okay tbf Tango also handled it pretty well.#Joe just. Seemed completely unaffected.#Love this man.#Literally everything I learn about him delights me further.#(Maybe I’m easily impressed because I am A BABY when it comes to spice.)#(Like I doubt I would have made it as far Jimmy who tapped first.)#(I would be crying halfway through I am sure.)#Joe Hills #Hermitcraft #verdant liveblogs

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tacticianpigeon · 6 months

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WHERE IS MY WIFE CAINE WHERE DID YOU PUT HER

#someone wants their queen back #I headcanon caine doesn't handle being yelled at well #poorly drawn tadc #yes I did another one of these #someone call off their chess piece he's going to turn the local stray into a chew toy #pomni would break up the fight #maybe i'll make more of these who knows #tadc #tadc caine #tadc kinger #my art #tactart #tadc fanart #kinger #caine

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mamawasatesttube · 7 months

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i do genuinely think an adult, fully-realized kon would be able to defeat superman in a fight. not just saying that bc he's my fav or whatever but because like. ttk is so op. telekinetic power with the range and raw strength to destroy every single gun in LA, and the finesse of control to not destroy anything else? that alone is a huge force to be reckoned with. add kryptonian abilities on top of that and you've got a fucking powerhouse. like um devs? op tbh pls nerf (except don't, because i find that sooooo tasty.)

because to clark, i think this is a good thing! it isn't quite so lonely when he's got a little brother/son/they really can't label it but they're family, who understands the alienation. the burden of having so much power. the fear of what your own hands can do. he sees in kon a kindred spirit, although it also saddens him that kon has to feel this burden too.

but kon?

oh, kon is terrified of himself.

#guy who has mind control and ''i was made as a weapon'' trauma realizes he can't even rely on the fact that superman could always stop him #he doesn't handle that well #it's tragic for him that he's so scared of himself bc *i* find his insane op-ness so fun cool and sexy.#also it should go without saying but like raw strength isn't everything in a fight and clark has more experience etc #like i don't think it's any sort of OOH WELL THERE'S A DEFINITIVE POWER RANKING anyway #but i think that adult fully realized kon does stand a very real chance of being able to beat clark in a fight #and that that fact scares the shit out of him #bc superman? that's his idol he shouldn't be able to ever touch him #clark is proud of him (what dadbrothercousin doesn't love to see his sonbrotherwhatever grow and even surpass him in his eyes?)#meanwhile kon is about to have a nervous breakdown #it's fun. not for him but for me <3 #kon #clark #rimi talks

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somethingsomethingrenga · 6 months

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I really wanted to draw them in Miya's school uniform :3 Also baby version, because middle schoolers are basically babies to me anyways

Poor Langa forgot he doesn't need his winter wear at his new school - but Reki saw they were both wearing green and decided they were besties!

#I can't draw children lord help me #lots of tags I'm sorry #I did my best to capture the gangliness of middle school in the first one #everyone going through puberty at their own weird pace #so reki's still a shortie but he's already getting leg hair #and langa's already in the middle of his growth spurt but very awkward about it #reki often gets in trouble for trying to wear sweatshirts with his uniform #well for not wearing the uniform properly in general 😂#reki's big curls are the only thing keeping that hat on lol #langa def has a crush in both of these #but has no idea how to handle it #I grew up in a cold area so clip-on mittens are Childhood to me 😌#renga #sk8 langa #sk8 reki #langa hasegawa #reki kyan #art

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arcshuttle · 3 months

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Opportunist may be our inner negotiator and can, in the right context, be great at talking us out of a pickle, but he also carries so so much of our neurodivergency by being so so tonedeaf in the worst possible situations. I love him.

#I just thought about how each of the voices would handle losing someone in the group #and all I could come up with for Opportunist was just loads of denial followed by a massive m e l t d o w n #Like of the divergent kind #It just made so much sense to me #And now I'm here just realizing why I could relate to his dumbass actions so well #Like obviously he was going to try sweet talking the unforgiving spirit breaking our leg #He hadn't caught onto the “unforgiving” part yet and tbh I wouldn't have either in his shoes #slay the princess #stp #voice of the opportunist

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ludaroace · 2 months

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insane over fit's last three streams and how far in denial he still is despite being told by multiple people with varying amounts of proof that tubbo is Dead and not dead .

he watches tubbo Die and people tell him tubbo is Dead but he can't be because it's tubbo and he's just being dramatic he always does things like this . him and richarlyson were just messing around - they do that all of the time

the next day he doesn't see anyone thats not an egg really . a couple of people for like five minutes at a time, but it's really just him and ramon and then dapper which is unusual but it happens . tubbo should be awake by now . dapper tells him tubbo is Dead and he can't be . it doesn't matter that he hasn't seen tubbo since he died because tubbo will come back

sunny is awake without tubbo and tells fit that tubbo is Dead and she wants to bring him cakes like ma lenay . that some creature thing called creation is here to protect sunny because tubbo is Dead and that she needs someone to hang out with/feed her and fit & ramon can do that ! but tubbo is not Dead because the islanders don't Die here for real (ignore dan and maxo and spreen . they were special cases . the islanders don't Die .) . in the letter he writes, he doesn't believe tubbo is Dead . he might have died, but he will come back because sunny misses him (the heavily implied he does too, but if he writes that then it's real)

phil is the first not child fit really gets to talk to after what happens and he tells him that tubbo is Dead but that he can come back and of course he can ? all they need to do is get this computer thing and his purpose data which makes no sense but it's tubbo and he doesn't always do things that make sense and honestly it wouldn't be the strangest thing tubbo has done to gate his respawn behind an item quest . hell, theres a small chance he has part of what he needs by complete coincidence

#qsmp #q!fitmc #q!tubbo #idk i just think its (adjective) that everytime he has been told tubbo is dead he's just straight up disagreed later on or to their face #because how could /tubbo/ die ? he wouldn't and there is a very obvious explanation for everything that has happened since that disproves i #like he fully doesn't believe it . not even saying it to try to reassure the people around him there is just no way tubbo died for real #if fit and creation get to interact it is going to go crazy #can't wait for fit to look creation in the eyes and go well yeah i'll help but like . buddy i don't know why you're acting like he's dead #also going to be a VERY interesting next time pac logs on #cuz i think the most likely person to end up telling him is fit and he is clearly handling this whole thing very normally #fitmc tag #tubbo tag #phil tag #sunny tag #dapper tag

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cult-of-the-eye · 8 days

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Ok listen, Gwen being killed off would be interesting because the rest of the OIAR would have to grapple with the grief and the underlying feeling of suspicion in the way she died. Like she'd be a warning that would be ignored and I think it would switch up the dynamics in a really cool way.

#alice would be wildly conflicted with grief and probably unable to handle it #sam has probably dealt with grief before so is a bit calmer #but also conflicted cause he didnt know her for that long #celia has no fucking idea how to act cause everyones suddenly changed demeanor and she didnt even know gwen #so like if she acts sad they'll think its not genuine #but itll be weird if she acts like everythings normal as well #lena would be like offering alice a mental health leave which she would firmly deny #colin would probably spiral deeper into his madness #but maybe also get closer to sam in the process #while this splits sam and alice #cause Sam's going deeper down the rabbit hole #and alice is intent in burying her head in the sand #tmagp #the magnus protocol #tmagp theories #gwen bouchard #alice dyer #sam khalid #lena kelley #celia ripley #colin becher

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fromtheseventhhell · 1 month

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How it feels knowing I'll enjoy Arya's arc whether my theories are right or not because I'm a fan of what's written in the books, not what I projected onto her character

#arya stark #asoiaf #it's such a freeing feeling fr especially knowing that she's one of George's favorite characters #unless he suddenly loses the ability to write I know her story is going to be well handled #because what's already there is one of the most complex well developed characters in the books #I don't need her to have a specific endgame or for her story to follow a strict path I just need her to not be treated like an afterthought #the way he writes her and actually gives her nuance lets me know canon!Arya's story will be nothing like her show counterpart 🤗#now if George was a modern twitter warrior writer then I'd be nervous 😭

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quietwingsinthesky · 3 months

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of ten’s companions, if the doctor couldn’t handle losing them and crossed his own timeline to trick them into traveling with future!him instead of past!him so that he’d have a little more time with them:

rose would do it. first because bless her but she has the situational awareness of a rock, and legitimately would not realize this isn’t her doctor until his facade starts to break down and he starts bleeding grief-laced love for her at every turn. but once she does realize it, she’s both deeply sympathetic and a little scared that she could make him into this. it’s a lot to be confronted with having that much power over someone, to break them so thoroughly. rose would try to get back to her doctor, but while she’s with the future version, she tries to do what she can to ease his pain. (she also tries to figure out a way to subvert her fate. she fails.)

i think martha would be harder to trick. she can smell desperation on the doctor like a bloodhound. she is so tapped into the fact that this man wants to off himself so bad and that she’s 90% of his self-restraint, so present her with a doctor who is lacking that and she’s onto him immediately. however, assuming he gets her to come with him, explains why he’s doing this, there’s like. a minute where she’s kind of. not flattered exactly, but surprised, giddy with the realization that he’d come back for a little more time with her, especially if this is early season 3 martha. which would all come crashing down around the time that he reveals that he wasn’t pushed to this by losing her to some tragedy or her death or anything- but that she chose to leave. that is the point at which martha goes ‘oh i need to get the fuck off of this tardis right now’ and ghosts the past!doctor that she was also traveling with because holy shit, man.

donna, like rose, is easily bamboozled into following the wrong doctor home, provided that he shuffles her along into his tardis too fast for her to argue. but she catches on far quicker than rose does. like, three minutes tops of watching the doctor move through the tardis in a way that’s definitely not enthusiastic piloting and looks more like guilty panic. and then she yells at him for lying to her. and she yells at him for kidnapping her. and then she stops yelling because he’s gone sort of still and quiet and his eyes are just broken. and he doesn’t explain himself, he confesses. donna is going to try to stay with him after this btw. because how do you go back to looking your best friend in the eyes when you know he’d take everything you’ve become away from you, even to save your life? and this is still the doctor, he still did that to her, but he regrets it. regrets it so much that he can’t live with it, he’s breaking time and space just to hear her say his name again. and donna doesn’t want to lose him anymore than he wanted to lose her.

#i am so enthralled by this concept you have no idea #also like. i mentioned in rose’s section how this is a genuinely scary situation for her.#but to be clear. it is for all three of them the moment they realize that this Is Not Their Doctor #because theyre suddenly on a ship going through time ans space with. almost a stranger. and one who has proven that he’s break laws #fundamental to his worldview rather than let them go #doctor who #rose tyler #martha jones #martha girl get the fuck out of there oh my god #the doctor comes out looking the worst in her section rip to him for not handling her leaving him in a normal and healthy way very well #i think it would be very funny if the doctor said goodbye to her and then immediately went. ‘oh! right! martha is the only thing keeping me #from jumping off a cliff! brb i need to get martha back at whatever cost!’ sir go to therapy #donna noble #also also to be clear im not trying to insult rose in her section thats just how she is #remember that time her boyfriend turned into plastic in front of her and she. didnt notice. or that time the doctor was being strangled in #the other room and she. didnt notice.#rose tyler girl that you are. you never know what the fuck is going on around you and i love you for that. how are you still alive.#REMEMBER THAT TIME SHE GOT BACK FROM AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION AND DIDNT EVEN NOTICE THE DALEK ABOUT TO SHOOT THE DOCTOR IN THE FACE #ROSE TYLER. GIRL. LOOK LEFT AND RIGHT BEFORE CROSSING A STREET AT LEAST #donna’s here is the most fucked up i think because even if this situation is ‘resolved’ and she goes back to her doctor like. how does she #keep going with that fact in the back of her mind at all times. that he can and will do this to her. that he’ll take himself and everything #else away from her while she begs him not to.#angst <3

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