#he just saw i said that racists and white supremacists shouldn’t be allowed on library grounds | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

belaborthepoint · 4 years

Text

Vice Presidential Debate 2020

SUSAN PAGE: Welcome to the first, and thankfully only, vice presidential debate of 2020. It is my honor to moderate this debate, a messy and chaotic charade that's such an important part of our democracy. We have a small audience here tonight, in part because of covid, and also because no one wanted to come. No one here tonight wants to be here, but with a lot of encouragement they have agreed to express enthusiasm two times. Senator Harris, let's start with you. Please talk about some concrete things that the Biden administration will do to handle covid. You have two minutes.

KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you, Susan. I think instead I'd like to use these two minutes as an opportunity to summarize all the ways that Trump has mishandled the virus. Biden probably does have some ideas, but I will not tell you any of them. Just know that he will do things, and I believe he will do them well.

SUSAN PAGE: Um. Okay. Vice President Pence, I'll give you an opportunity to answer a question. Why is the U.S. death toll higher than that of like every other wealthy country?

MIKE PENCE: Thank you, Susan. I will not answer that, but what I will do is tell you that under President Trump's leadership, Operation Warp Speed, we have something called Operation Warp Speed, which is totally badass. I think ultimately Americans will be proud to have died for their country. Thoughts and prayers to all the families of people who died solely due to our negligence.

SUSAN PAGE: Vice President Pence, your administration has made a mockery of the national response to covid. You don't wear masks and you don't social distance and now Trump has covid himself and is actively exposing other people. How do you expect the American people to take this seriously if you don't?

MIKE PENCE: Well, thankfully most of the country is composed of people who are more intelligent, thoughtful, and compassionate than us, and we trust that they will do the right thing. I have to believe this. President Trump and I are pieces of living human garbage, and if I didn't trust that most people out there are actually decent human beings, I wouldn't sleep at night. I just have to believe that we are the very worst that humanity has to offer if I want to have hope for the future.

SUSAN PAGE: Cool. So, for both of you, have you talked to the guys about if they die because they’re old/one of them has covid?

MIKE PENCE: I appreciate that question, but I would like to go back--

SUSAN PAGE: I would prefer if you answered the question actually.

MIKE PENCE: I respect that you feel that way, and instead I will not do that. Senator Harris, I'd just like to say that a lot of people got sick with a cold under Obama's leadership, and if the common cold were as bad as covid, literally millions upon millions of people would die. Lots of people get the cold, and they would all die.

KAMALA HARRIS: Okay?

MIKE PENCE: Also, I think I would be remiss if I didn't remind all of us about the Plague of Justinian that killed 25 million people from the year 541 to 542. The bubonic plague RAVAGED Europe, and where was Barack Obama then? Nowhere to be seen.

SUSAN PAGE: ....alright. Senator Harris, would you be willing to answer the question that Vice President Pence so ineptly evaded?

KAMALA HARRIS: I would not. But speaking of aging and death, I'd like to talk about life, my life, and some highlights from it. Life is so precious. Here one day and gone the next. Which is why it's so important to take stock of the times in our lives that we felt truly happy, because happiness is ephemeral. It's something we can't grasp with our hands, like a butterfly. It's a chimera of a memory of a moment, and we have to hold onto it. When Joe Biden asked me to be his vice president, it was on a zoom call. Haha, anyone here use zoom? Haha just kidding. But it was a zoom call, and it reminded me of my mother, and the day I came out of her sack of flesh that is a human body. It's beautiful, but also gross and weird. But everyone was crying, because I was a baby who became born, and that's amazing.

SUSAN PAGE: I don't even know why I'm here. Okay, well, we're supposed to be talking about the economy now, if that matters to anyone.

MIKE PENCE: Thank you so much, Susan. What Joe Biden wants to do is to tax people. He will tax you. He will take a portion of your money and use it to invest in PUBLIC SERVICES.

KAMALA HARRIS: Yes, correct.

MIKE PENCE: What? No, we don't like that. He will use YOUR MONEY to build ROADS and LIBRARIES and invest in EDUCATION.

KAMALA HARRIS: Yeah.

MIKE PENCE: Uh, uh, okay, hold on, okay, he's also going to BAN. FRACKING.

KAMALA HARRIS: He will do no such thing.

MIKE PENCE: He wants to ABOLISH. FOSSIL. FUELS.

KAMALA HARRIS: No he doesn't!!! We like the fossil fuel industry!!!!!

SUSAN PAGE: Vice President Pence, do you believe that climate change is related to the fact that the climate is changing?

MIKE PENCE: Nope. I believe that the air and stuff are all actually very clean, not in spite of, but because of capitalism. The free market economy is actually the reason why the earth is in such good shape.

SUSAN PAGE: Huh. Okay, let's talk about China. President Trump is a racist. Can you speak to that?

MIKE PENCE: I am also racist and xenophobic, and those are values that are important to me. Joe Biden, however, doesn't hate China that much, which is bad. He actually likes China. He's obsessed with it. He's also a gay cheerleader. He's a cheerleader for gay communists. Biden has been a cheerleader for communist China for years, ever since he joined the intramural adult cheerleading squad for people who love communism. He literally goes to China and wears one of those little skirts even though he's a dude, and he waves pom poms around and does splits and has people throw him up in the air while he shouts good things about Mao Zedong. In his fifth year on the squad, the whole group got matching tattoos of Chairman Mao on their lower backs, and it was all Joe Biden's idea.

SUSAN PAGE: We've seen strains in our relationship with China. Senator Harris, what's your definition of the role of American leadership in 2020?

KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you, Susan. I like that you use the word 'relationship,' cause I think it really is all about relationships. I talk about this with Joe a lot, and how how important friendship is, and how you have to trust your friends. You have to be honest and loyal to them, Susan, because they are your friends. And that's what it's all about.

SUSAN PAGE: Uh, okay. Moving on, Vice President Pence, if Amy Coney Barrett is confirmed as a supreme court judge and Roe v. Wade is overturned, would you want your home state to ban all abortions?

MIKE PENCE: That's a really interesting question, Susan, but I think I'll just take this time to say that everyone who practices Islam is a terrorist and Joe Biden loves terrorists. Joe Biden created an entirely different intramural adult cheerleading squad so he could be a cheerleader for Osama bin Laden, because he's obsessed with terrorism. Also, I hope you don't treat Amy Coney Barrett like you did Justice Kavanaugh, whom you criticized and bullied relentlessly just because he's a rapist. If Amy Coney Barrett turns out to be a rapist, I hope you'll give her the respect she deserves. Also, if you critique the pro-life movement it means that you're intolerant of Christianity and you hate religion.

SUSAN PAGE: Senator Harris, same question: if Roe v. Wade is overturned, what would you want California to do?

KAMALA HARRIS: Okay, I just need to make it very clear that Joe Biden and I both believe in God and we're really into going to church. Joe Biden is a Catholic, and I am extremely proud to be friends with him. Catholic men have been persecuted in this country for too long and I'm so happy to say that soon we will have a Catholic man serving as president of these United States of America. But yeah, obviously women should have control over their bodies.

MIKE PENCE: Joe Biden and Kamala Harris murder babies.

SUSAN PAGE: Maybe we should talk about actual murder. Senator Harris, on the subject of racial justice, do you think it's okay that the cops who killed Breonna Taylor aren't being indicted?

KAMALA HARRIS: No, obviously not. We need to reform our criminal justice system.

SUSAN PAGE: Vice President Pence?

MIKE PENCE: Well, you know, it's an interesting question. I think that...death...is....not good. I do not love it when any person dies. It is not my favorite thing by a long shot. That being said, I think the most important thing is that we have blind faith in our incredibly broken justice system, and they said that everything was fine here. So was it wrong that she died? No. And frankly I think it's rude that you would disrespect cops by condemning the act of murder that they committed.

KAMALA HARRIS: Dude, I love cops. I AM a cop. I just think they shouldn't murder people. And I think that if we make it so that they're not allowed to, they will stop.

MIKE PENCE: Why are we talking about human life right now when we should be addressing the real issue at hand which is destruction of property? Killing human beings is one thing, but destroying property? Reprehensible. The only time I've ever been ashamed to be an American is when I spoke personally to the CEO of Target and saw the grief that he and his family were experiencing at the hands of rioters and looters. Those looters have the blood of private property on their hands. I mean, you know, not literal blood, but like, the stuff that buildings are made of.

KAMALA HARRIS: Why can't you just condemn white supremacy? It's really not hard.

MIKE PENCE: Because we ARE white supremacists.

KAMALA HARRIS: Oh, true. Also you have a fly on your head.

FLY: Greetings.

MIKE PENCE: Okay but should we talk about your history with criminal justice reform? Cause it's also not great.

KAMALA HARRIS: It's fine. You still have a fly on your head.

FLY: Howdy.

SUSAN PAGE: Yeah, there is totally a fly on your head, dude. Now I want to address the fact that Donald Trump will refuse to leave office even if he loses the election. Senator Harris, do you have a plan for if that happens?

KAMALA HARRIS: I think everyone should vote.

SUSAN PAGE: Yeah, but--

KAMALA HARRIS: Everyone needs to vote. Voting is extremely important, and you should do it.

SUSAN PAGE: But do you have a plan for--

KAMALA HARRIS: Voting.

SUSAN PAGE: Okay, whatever. Vice President Pence, what will you personally do if Trump loses the election and refuses to accept it?

MIKE PENCE: He's not going to lose so I actually don't need to think about that.

SUSAN PAGE: Yeah but if he does--

MIKE PENCE: He's not gonna.

SUSAN PAGE: But IF--

MIKE PENCE: Nope. Not gonna happen. I would also like to say that when Joe Biden was vice president, he made the FBI spy on us and our campaign. They had a little man that they shrunk down to fit inside of my pocket and listen to what I said with a little tiny ear trumpet, and he wrote it all down on a small notepad. They spied on us, and if Joe Biden is president he will make lots of small men to climb in people's pockets and spy on the American people. It is unethical and I will not stand for it. But it's fine because Joe Biden will not win.

SUSAN PAGE: Well tonight was a massive waste of time. To conclude this spectacle, we're going to ask a question from an 8th grader. It's not a real question so don't worry about coming up with anything substantial, just say some nice stuff to end the night on a good note. This question is from Brecklyn.

BRECKLYN: It makes me sad when people don't get along. Why can't people just get along?

MIKE PENCE: Brecklyn, that question was dumb as shit. But it was also beautiful, and the only question I will actually bother to answer. Brecklyn, sometimes your friend is a white supremacist. Sometimes, your cousin has blue hair and is a lesbian. But at the end of the day, we all want to smile and hold hands in a circle, because underneath our skin, we all have bones and muscles, and they can look different, but we're all made of the same stuff. We're all made of stars. And that's America. Thank you, Brecklyn.

KAMALA HARRIS: Yes, that's an excellent question. And Brecklyn, I want to tell you that Joe Biden also feels sad sometimes. If I know anything about Joe Biden, it's that he is a human man. He's literally a living human person, which means that he has experienced emotions. He has felt a lot of emotions such as sadness, joy, anger, that specific kind of secondhand embarrassment that you feel for fictional characters on tv, and lots of other human feelings, because he's a person. He's not a lizard, he's not a small pile of rocks, and he's not a piece of wallpaper. He is a human person. THAT'S America.

SUSAN PAGE: Cool, thanks. Well that's that. We hope you'll join us for another presidential debate next week if Trump is alive and has somehow recovered from covid. Which we want. We wish him a, uh, recovery. Goodnight everyone.

0 notes