#he legitimately did not ask for his life to be made even more complicated by an assassin-ninja baby

[bonefall]

instead of asking what parts of wind you’ll be getting rid of, i’ll instead ask what parts you’re keeping. the list is shorter then haha

FROSTPAW AND WHISTLEPAW.

Best part of Wind is the bond between these two, in fact, the entire plot about WindClan felt like it dropped out of the alternate universe where the books are good. The sudden dream of catastrophe, the way StarClan gave Frostpaw this sign on purpose to make them know she's legitimate, Whistlepaw injuring herself to try and save her little sister... Even the little details, like Nightcloud and Hootwhisker trying to drag the tree by the trunk, were neat to see.

I Dont Rewrite Arcs Until They Are Done BUT I do know that I'm going to elevate and expand what's going on with Frost and Whistle. They're fantastic.

Another small thing I'm actually planning on keeping is this exchange between Squilf and Jayfeather, which you'll probably find surprising since I'm so open about how much I dislike the way they've made Squilfstar less proactive;

In a better book, I think this could have been a GREAT moment.

What I dislike about this exchange is that Squilf is able to rebuke it, because the writers DO feel that Bramblestar was a good leader. They're trying to show that Squilfstar is going to act more "mature" (read: boring) with her role now, probably to make a point about how Bramblestar wasn't being "indecisive" for the 10 years we were stuck with him but "responsible." Basically, she gets the power and finds out it isn't so easy-- I'll even bet at some point in the next arc or two she'll become frustrated by someone acting the way she used to.

I've seen some people praising this, and like, it's not illegal to have bad taste. But I think this is an AWFUL thing to do with a character who could have finally caused interesting things to happen, on top of just feeling like contempt of criticism on behalf of the writers.

"Ohhhh they thought she would be more decisive than our beloved baby boy, WELL, WE'LL SHOW THEM. You will sit through 10 paragraphs of debate no matter WHO is in charge!!!"

But like I said....... in a better book, this could have been great. If this was a wake-up call for her.

Suddenly experiencing the full weight of responsibility upon herself, she stops making bold decisions. The complicated political situation in front of her, individual opinions of her Clan around her, and the wounded glares of the furious Brambleclaw below her are all acting like briar vines, pulling her down.

Even StarClan itself seems to have placed a weight on her, cats who she's followed faithfully and been punished by.

So Jayfeather, with all of the changes he has in BB, brawling with angels, speaking defiance to the stars, and pulling spirits down from the heavens, is the perfect cat to be honest with her.

I'm still trying to find a good way to describe the electricity between them in this moment. BB!Jayfeather once reached up his paw through the veil between life and death to grab her ankle and fetch her from her own trial, knowing that she wanted to keep living. He's part of whatever motion she took to remove Bramblestar from power. Her son, her cleric, her ally. How do I put these emotions into words?

"Did you come this far just to become someone else?"

Just... what a moment it could be. For this to be the second that Squilfstar realizes in spite of everything, Bramblestar's thorns still jab at her. That she has to move forward, DAMN the uncertainty, by being herself.

#bone babble #asc spoilers #But a LOT of this book is up in the air for BB #Depending on how big of an overhaul this becomes #I don't have SOLID plans yet to keep it loose #But I'm planning some pretty big changes

[amuhav]

All the odd questions of the Edgy/misc OC ask meme for Loch please.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

His one-night stand with Ash. Because Amir was right, Loch wasn't some stupid confused teenager anymore. He was a grown man who even drunk knew it was a bad idea, knew he wasn't in the right headspace to give more than that, knew he was in a rebound friend's-with-benefits thing with Alice only because he'd just got out of another relationship and questioning his sexuality and whether he was even capable of being a person in a relationship, with anyone. He knew all that, and still got drunk and did it anyway. He convinced himself they both knew what they were doing and one brief moment of pleasure would be fine, when it really cost his already spiralling mental health, and the trust and mental health of Asher. And even though they're good (mostly) now, he knows he can never take it back, and he can never change that it put Ash in that vulnerable position for someone like Finn to swoop in.

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Not communicating honestly with people. Not just Ash, but really anyone. He rarely lets anyone know his actual wants and needs, I guess because growing up they didn't really matter.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

I mean, depends. We know Loch has very specific lines he won't cross, but... he is still a Karaish, and all of them have a sort of built-in "the rules don't apply to me" kind of mentality lol.

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Loch was supposed to AroAce which is honestly hilarious to me now. I mean, he is very much not asexual at all lmao, but he is kinda still on the aromantic spectrum. He knows he's never felt any romantic inclination towards any women, but he's not sure how that applies to men, though to be honest, he's at a point now where it doesn't really matter. If it's not Asher, it's no one. I really don't think he'd ever have actually been with someone legitimately if it weren't Ash.

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

His words, and absolutely lol. It comes out more when he's drunk, but even sober push him enough and his tongue turns vicious.

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Absodamnlutely lmao. Mainly because we're pretty alike, but also because it reminds me of the catty banter relationships I have with my friend's IRL, or some of my old work friends. Extra yes because he's a guy I could have that kind of friendship with knowing he wouldn't be catching feelings too so I wouldn't have to worry about it lol.

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

Noooooope. All of Gen 3 happened before I really knew of the concept of face claims lmao.

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Made his parents emotionally absent af whilst still being physically present lmao. Like, there's so many specific events in his life I could point to instead, but him stepping in to parent his younger sibs is like, the root cause of most of his issues. But his parents weren't ever abusive, or even truly neglectful, and in their own way they are still loving parents. So it's kinda... complicated? Like, he loves them and can't hate them, and he feels any bitterness towards them isn't really worth addressing, and it's not like they can do anything about it now anyway. Like, it's not going to change what it did to him. It made him the person he is and that can't be undone, so why ruin that relationship now?

How does your OC behave when enraged?

He usually either gets bitchy or he lashes out, depending on the specifics.

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

~anxiety~. for which he currently takes meds and has been through a course of CBT.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Vulnerability. He hates feeling it, and hates showing it. So he runs from it, or twists it into something else, like anger.

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

He's a lil bitch and honestly, I ~vibe~ with it lol. Especially now he's making that petty, bitchy side of himself more public. Like, there's a lot about him that drives me fuckin insane, but his cattiness definitely isn't one of them lmao.

#ask my characters #Loch Karaish #dandylion240 #🎵He's a BITCH. but I love him.🎵 to the tune of He's a Tramp lmao

[thelampisaflashlight]

Some Quincy notes, because he's forever on my mind. A little bit about what he thinks of the ghouls/knows about the church so far. Below the cut.

-To answer the question, which has not be asked yet, but I feel like I should probably give: Quincy hasn't looked into the band/the members of it for a couple reasons, but the biggest reason just happens to be that... he's not interested.

Legitimately, he could probably ask Mountain or even Brother Elijah about that side of things, but he's not sure he wants to know, considering he's mainly here to maintain the library, and he hasn't even gotten to dig deep into that place yet, so why complicate things further?

He's got enough on his plate in his day to day life, he doesn't need to be worrying about all that.

-So far, Quincy has met two out of eight ghouls, having met Mountain first and Aether second, though he has also borrowed clothes from Dewdrop via Brother Elijah as of the last installment, so he'll probably have to meet him soon as well.

The only reason he really met Mountain, is because the ghoul sought him out first out of curiosity. Had he not, the first ghoul he met likely would have been Dew, because the library is his zone... he just hasn't been in there yet because of work obligations.

-To answer another unasked question, does Quincy know what the ghouls are yet? No.

No, he does not.

He hasn't seen any of them unglamored, which is partially because he's not "in the know", he's being treated more or less like an independent contractor, in that Sister Imperator entrusted him to handle the affairs involving the library however he sees fit, so long as he doesn't alter the space beyond reason.

He's not a sibling of sin or other member of the church/clergy, he's legitimately just some guy.

And while he has endeared himself to Mountain and Brother Elijah to an extent, it would not surprise anyone if one day he simply... disappeared.

-Which leads us to another question: Why did Sister Imperator outsource the work, and more importantly... why Quincy?

Finding someone with the necessary skills, qualifications and demeanor to run a library is actually fairly difficult, because there is a lot more to it than sorting books all day, even if that contributes a large part to Quincy's work day.

And while they probably could have searched in network for someone, having someone from the outside might actually benefit them from an analytical standpoint, because Quincy is familiar with how public libraries function and what modernizations might aid the church in developing theirs.

So the answer to "why Quincy?" is, in part, because he knows what he's doing, and the other reason?

He has experience dealing with dickheads, having been a bartender for about a decade. So he knows how to navigate intense situations/issues to an exent.

-Okay, but really?

It's because Quincy is easier to "disappear" if he learns too much and looks like he's going to boogie.

Yeah, he has his "friends" and the guy across the street he does the crossword with, but being completely honest?

No one in the wider world would notice.

He doesn't have a lot of people who would come looking for him if he did go missing, and the reason for him to "run away" is already there; He's treated poorly by the people who would look for him.

Quincy is disposable.

Even he thinks that, and he doesn't even know that's why he got the job.

And lastly;

-What does Aether think of Quincy?

That, from his brief interactions with him, and what Mountain has told him, Quincy is honestly too naïve for his own good.

He openly distrusts others, but willingly followed Aether into an unfamiliar place, and, while he wouldn't harm Quincy, it does worry him that it was as easy as it was to take him from point A to point B.

And, to that end, it has made him look into a certain sibling of sin who hangs around him quite a lot... *cough* Brother Elijah *cough*

#Lamp rambles #nameless ghouls #mountain ghoul #aether ghoul #ghost band #ghost bc #the band ghost #ghost band oc #sibling of sin oc #sibling of sin #Quincy Adventures

[greenhikingboots]

More of an Effort - a Jonsa ficlet

As Sansa sat next to her husband, the new King in the North, she rubbed the palm of one hand with the thumb of the other, a haphazard attempt to soothe her fears. Her mind raced with words she needed to say, words she knew Jon would not be happy to hear. Though they agreed to marry shortly after reuniting at Castle Black, they had agreed on little else since. Why would tonight be any different?

He’s a brute, Sansa thought. Whenever his advisors asked him questions, he responded with little more than grunts and two word sentences, and when he trained for battle his eyes gleamed with unadulterated rage. And he thinks I’m a child, her bitter thoughts piled on. But I’m not a child. Not anymore.  How could Jon see her otherwise, though, given their shared past? They had not been close as children, at least not as close as she had been with Robb, or Bran, or Rickon, or as he had been with Arya. But they were raised to believe they were half-siblings, and that complicated their marriage now. They knew it would, of course — Sansa, and Jon, and everyone at Castle Black knew it would. Howland Reed most of all, and yet he insisted they marry for the sake of the North. “Some of the Houses will refuse to support Jon,” he’d said, “given he’s — he’s —” “A Targaryen,” Sansa spat, still struggling to believe it. “— given he’s Ned’s nephew, not his son,” Howland amended. “And some won’t want to support you either, Lady Sansa, given you married a Lannister.” “But I’ve told you already! Our marriage was never consummated. Even the ladies at court, they whispered — and — and I’m sure — Well, my mother always said there are no secrets in a castle, so I suspect —” Howland held up his hands as if surrendering. Or, perhaps he held up his hands to entice Sansa to surrender. She fell silent, and he continued. “That’s part of my point, my dear. You’re free to marry again. Now, as I said earlier, if you marry Jon the North won’t squabble over which of you has the better claim. And wouldn’t that be nice, no more squabbling?” Sansa started to rise from her chair, intending to move closer to the fire in Jon’s chambers as she thought it over, but just as she did, he chortled. She sat back down and whipped her head to the side to stare at him. “What’s so funny?” she demanded to know. Jon dragged his hand over his beard. “I don’t know,” he said. “Nothing. Everything. You being here. Howland using the word squabble.” He turned to Howland. “Don’t say squabble when you mean war.” It was the most Jon had spoken since Sansa’s arrival at Castle Balck the day before. She whipped her head back around, this time to see if Howland found that as perplexing as she did. “Jon’s had a difficult few days. Be patient with him,” Howland said. It was true. Jon had been murdered, brought back to life, told Robb had legitimized him — which made him next in line for the Northern crown — and then told the truth about his parents, about Lyanna and Rhaega’s secret wedding and how Petyr Baelish had stolen scrolls from the Citadel which proved it had happened. “When it suits him, Littlefinger will find a way to use that information to his advantage,” Howland had said. “Best that we take action to get ahead of him.” It was enough to make anyone’s head spin, Sansa knew, but she wasn’t feeling particularly sympathetic. “I’ve had a difficult few days as well,” she muttered, thinking of her and Howland’s journey from the Vale to the Wall. “But you don’t hear me laughing at inappropriate times,” she added a moment, a little louder. Jon shot her a nasty look before turning his attention back to Howland. “You truly believe this is necessary?” he asked. “Even more so since hearing your Wildlings talk about the horrors beyond the Wall. If we’re to have any chance of surviving the white walkers, the North must be united under House Stark.” Jon leaned forward in his chair. “House Stark? I’ll take her name, then?” Her name. Not Sansa’s name. And he didn’t even glance or nod in her direction when he said it. Sansa crossed her arms over her chest, her mood souring. Meanwhile, Howland grinned as if that part of the plan should have been obvious, as if a man — a king — taking his wife’s name wasn’t the most ridiculous thing any of them had ever heard of. Well, the most ridiculous thing right after resurrections and white walkers. Jon dragged his hand over his beard once more. There was a look in his eyes now that told Sansa everything she needed to know. His decision had been made. More than the crown, more than the authority to lead an army, he wanted to be a Stark. He’d always wanted to be a Stark. “You’d never have to leave Winterfell again,” Jon said, still not giving Sansa as much as a glance. “You’d never have to marry someone like Joffrey Baratheon or Harry Hardying —” “I’d have to give you an heir.” Jon deflated, and Sansa nearly let out a mirthless laugh. Okay, an inappropriate laugh. Had he really not thought of that on his own? “You could take your time with that part,” Howland offered. “No need to rush. The Northerners — they’ll understand.” “They’ll ridicule us,” Sansa protested. Finally, Jon’s eyes met hers. “Better to be ridiculed than dead,” he said quietly. And so they married. The ceremony took place near a heart tree beyond the Wall, the very same, Jon told her, where he’d once said his vows for the Night’s Watch. Take no wife, hold no lands, father no children — the irony was not lost on them. As they rode out, Sansa’s stomach was full of knots. And yet, when she draped a cloak over Jon’s shoulders rather than the other way around, and when she saw his cheeks flush in response, those knots turned to butterflies. She smiled at him. He smiled back at her. And then Howland hugged them both, and she remembered what it was like to feel hopeful. “Something’s troubling you.” Jon’s words cut through Sansa’s memories and made her jump in her seat at the head table of the Great Hall. “Oh, yes, I — I suppose that’s true,” she said. “How did you know, Your Grace?” Jon winced. “Sansa, I’ve told you. You don’t —” “Have to call you that? I think I do. Here in front of the lords and ladies, at least, I do. Otherwise I might slip up and challenge you in front of them, as I do in front of your advisors, and then where would we be?” Jon allowed a hesitant smile, the first one Sansa had seen from him in weeks — perhaps since their wedding ceremony, she realized. Afterwards, they had traveled the North in search of allies and then, just yesterday, they’d finally retaken Winterfell. At Sansa’s suggestion, Jon had let poor Jeyne Poole choose the manner of Ramsay Bolton’s execution, and the two friends had smiled at each other when she said Ramsay should be fed to his dogs. But not Jon. He’d remained as solemn as ever. Until now, apparently, at the celebration feast where his wife has insisted on referring to him by his title rather than his — well, not his given name. His given name had been Aemon Targaryn, Howland told them. But Jon had insisted on remaining Jon. Jon Stark. “Since when do you admit to challenging me?” he asked. “I thought you held that you were advising me, same as the others.” As he said this, Jon sounded almost — almost — playful. Sansa thought of teasing him about it, of asking how many cups of wine it had taken to lift his spirits. But before the question could slip through her lips, she thought better of it. She did not want to lose track of the racing thoughts that had her rubbing her palm a minute ago. They were overdue for an important conversation. Now that Winterfell was theirs, there was really no reason to continue putting it off. Sansa inhaled deeply, readying herself, and then leaned closer to Jon. “Howland suggested we make more of an effort,” she said. “Not — not necessarily — well, you know. Not necessarily do the deed. But make more of an effort.” Jon smiled in earnest, and it made Sansa’s stomach flip. What had gotten into her? What had gotten into him?  “Yes, I remember Howland saying that,” he replied. “I was there.” “Then you agree? You’ll visit me in my chambers after the feast?” Jon’s smile faltered. “Tonight?” he asked, glancing away. “We don’t need to touch,” Sansa rushed to clarify. “I’m sure you’re still exhausted from yesterday’s fight anyway. But we do need to learn to be comfortable sharing a bed and talking about something other than battle plans or grain supplies.” “Sharinng a bed,” Jon echoed. “And talking. Just talking,” Sansa emphasized. And so they did. That night, for the first time, they shared a bed as husband and wife, and they talked for hours — about family, and regret, and unexpected lessons, and healing, and courage, and love. Yes, love. And as Sansa fell asleep, her hand covering Jon’s, she knew it wouldn’t be long before they were doing more than talking about it. [This is only on Tumblr for now. I may eventually turn it into a longer one-shot and put it on AO3, but probably not before finishing my multi chapter WIP. So not anytime soon. Also, if you recently saw me nervously ask if anyone was interested in co-authoring a fic, this is the one I was talking about.]

#jonsa #Jon x Sansa #jonsa ficlet #jonsa fanfiction #sansa cloaks jon #jon is aemon not aegon #political marriage #alternative title: #better to be ridiculed than dead

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 199 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: Slow Tuesday at work/after work...

MARTIN: "Anyone want another cup of tea?" Ah yes, Martin's solution for everything. Tea XD

MELANIE: "So, we’re seriously holding up ‘let Jon become god’ as a legitimate choice here?" Yeah, I guess Melanie would hate that. Even if it's not her god, with her being cut off from the Eye and all xD

So, as far as I see it from these first few sentences we have Melanie and Martin who want to send off the Fears. Then we have Jon who is adamant on becoming the Pupil and letting the Fears die so no other Jon ever has to suffer this. And Basira and Georgie, who are kiiiind of more on the neutral/fence-sitter side.

GEORGIE: "But is it all other realities, or just some of them?" JON: "Does it matter?" MARTIN: "I mean, maybe? If there are infinite worlds out there then “thousands” isn’t even a drop in the bucket, cosmically speaking." MELANIE: "'Cosmically speaking'?" MARTIN: "You know what I mean." [MELANIE SIGHS] BASIRA: "It’s still more than one, though, isn’t it? Which is what we’re discussing." It's time to bring up MAG 155 again! xD They are talking more than one, that's for sure, so it seems like they would do more harm if they send off the Fears, hitting more people than they are, in total numbers I mean. But are they? Here's the hypothetical part again (in MAG 155 it was that the statement giver was working on projects which could save thousands of lives. Hypothetical, cause in the end nobody knows if the projects would have actually failed if it wasn't for her). They don't know what these other worlds look like. We know there's one very similar to theirs from MAG 114. But how many people are there? Maybe all those other worlds are so much smaller that in total numbers they are less than the people here. Very unlikely I know, but there is no way to tell for sure.

GEORGIE: "Option two is Jon takes over from Magnus. Keeps the Powers contained here with us, and tries his best to make the place a little more… tolerable, until the end." MARTIN: "And we lose him." Technically, they don't know that either. Martin fears Jon's humanity will be lost once and for all. But what if he just stays the same?

MARTIN: "No, Jon, I’m sorry, but if one world still matters in an infinite spread of dimensions, then one person does, too." That's the problem. Jon doesn't think that way. If you're counting in total again, trading one life for so many others would have been quite expensive.

Lol, I just remembered this is basically Life Is Strange on a much larger scale and more complicated due to more variables and unknown outcomes XD

MELANIE: "I-I think the issue is he matters a bit too much." MARTIN: "The point is you don’t have a responsibility to sacrifice yourself just to make everyone else’s lives a bit easier." JON: "I’ve already made them a hell of a lot harder!" Okay first, fuck you, Melanie, seriously! Second, their conversation here again feels so real. Martin thinks Jon's martyr complex is bullshit and that it's not his fault. I feel like Jon did a lot better during their pilgrimage, accepting that it was not his fault and that he was used. But now after what Annabelle told them I'd say he sees himself existing already as his fault.

MELANIE: "Hey! Georgie didn’t do anything!" GEORGIE: "No, Melanie, I, I didn’t." MELANIE: [Softly] "Yeah." GEORGIE: "And maybe I should have. I kept out of it, even when I got a pretty good idea of what was going on towards the end. But… I should have known better. Hiding never helps." It's cool that doing nothing is also presented as doing something. (On a lighthearted note, it's just like someone asking you "Hey, what's your plan for the weekend?" - "Doing nothing" - "Great, then you can join-" - "No, you don't understand. My plan is to do nothing!" XD)

GEORGIE: "For a while! But… we couldn’t actually do anything, could we? Couldn’t save anyone." BASIRA: "Okay, fine, blame for everyone. But the hard fact is, Jon’s the only one who can take over the Panopticon." Oh wait, isn't there a Communist Bugs Bunny meme with Basira??

GEORGIE: "Which brings us to our third option." JON: Which is?" GEORGIE: "Do nothing. We… adapt to the new world, and just wait for it to finally end." Of course Georgie comes up with that one xD But she's right. As I said, doing nothing also is doing something.

BASIRA: "Do we actually have the right to make this decision? The five of us? For the whole world, or for maybe infinite worlds we know nothing about?" GEORGIE: "No, of course we don’t. But we’re the ones here." Ahh, I love the dilemma.

GEORGIE: "And I doubt there’s anyone else out there who’s in a better position to decide." JON: "There isn’t." I mean, Jon wouldn't know, he can't see them. They could technically try to ask other watchers who don't like that they ended up as a tormentor.

MELANIE: "Right? It’s kind of shitty to bring them out just to ask them if they’re willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good." There simply is no right way to do this.

MARTIN: "If it’s just a matter of guilt, then I’ll take it right now. I’d rather live the rest of my life lying awake wondering if I made the right choice, over lying awake listening to the screams of everyone on Earth being tortured!" JON: [Angry] "What? So it’s better for a thousand times more people to scream as long as we can’t hear them?" Very fair point of Jon. Also, most of the guilt would still be weighing on Jon, since he was the lynchpin to all this. I think it would totally fit his character to be high at risk of committing suicide in a scenario where they pass on the Fears and nobody knows he was the Archivist so nobody would come to take revenge on him.

MARTIN: "No! Because Annabelle said it wouldn’t be like that. Wherever they go, it’ll be like it was here before, with the Powers just lurking on the edges." MELANIE: "And our world survived like that for… for what, all of history?" MARTIN: "Mmmm." MELANIE: "Sure, it’s not great, but it’s, it’s not like those other realities won’t have bad stuff happening already. We all lived with monsters in the shadows, and we just got on with it." BASIRA: "Yeah, until we didn’t – until the ritual kicked off. What’s to stop the same thing happening in these other worlds?" MARTIN: "It, it took like millennia of failed rituals before this happened. That means there has to be a chance that it won’t happen at all, right?" Sooo many possibilities! It's such a shitty situation all over again!

MELANIE: "And if it does happen, it will be because of the actions of the people in those other dimensions, just like here it was because of –" JON: "Me." MELANIE: "Because of us." Ohhh, another Communist Bugs Bunny meme!! Also, if it does happen (another mass ritual working) it was only possible to happen at all because that world got the fears passed onto them. So it's not solemnly the fault of the people over there. Our crew would have given them the materials necessary for it.

MELANIE: "Exactly. Probably have their own Panopticon, their own Archivists." Oh yeah, what again are the stakes in The Magnus Protocol? TWO Panopticons and FOUR Eliases!!! xD

GEORGIE: "Well… Did Annabelle say for certain that this dimension is where they were, um, ‘born’, I guess?" JON: "No. No, the Eye can’t see its own creation, so… I don’t actually know how they came to be. Perhaps we can’t know." This does change things again. Annabelle said she doesn't know if they are unique to their world. But that there are definitely worlds without them to spread to. (Also, wait, isn't the MAG 200 statement exactly that?)

JON: "Sure, but even if that was true, it doesn’t change the situation." BASIRA: "Yes, it does. If it’s a choice between stopping the Fears completely – destroying them once and for all, here and now – or just being one universe they don’t escape, among potentially infinite ones where they do… Those are very different scenarios." Yeah exactly that, very well summarized.

JON: "We don’t know. And even if we hunted Annabelle down, and squeezed more information out of her, I don’t think she knows either. We simply don’t have that information, and we can’t just arbitrarily decide what’s true just because it makes the choice easier for us." Ahh yes. One of the themes in Magnus. Making decisions based on the information at hand at that point.

BASIRA: "No. No, I’m not just gonna stand here, and watch you try to justify murdering humanity." JON: [Angry] "How is it different from just letting it happen on its own?" BASIRA: [Forceful] "Because it is. It’s not an option. End of discussion." This and...

GEORGIE: "We’ve got to hope." JON: "Hope that our actions don’t destroy countless other worlds!" GEORGIE: "It’s better than the certainty that they’ll destroy this one!" [TENSE SILENCE] JON: "Sounds like you’ve all decided, then." ...this were breaking points. Especially not even counting Euthanasia as an option. It's Jon's life all over again. People deciding for him what to do. And the thing is, for the plan of passing on the Fears he doesn’t even have to do anything actively. All he need to do is watch them doing it. But doing nothing is also doing something...

GEORGIE: "Can I have a cigarette?" Noooooooooooo! This marks the point of no return. Just like MAG 1 already was the point of no return for them. And Jon once again takes the bait...

GEORGIE: "Then you won’t mind if I hang onto this?" JON: [Distracted] "Hmm." [FAINT STATIC RISES AND FALLS] Did Georgie know what the lighter means? Or that Jon can't keep track of it? We didn't hear how they explained the whole situation, so we don't know... And can this moment be seen as the one Jon finally sheds all the cobwebs off of him? Also I said last episode there's another lighter-moment for me, it's this one. Cause I missed this on my first listen!!! In MAG 200 I was just as surprised as Jon was when he looks for the lighter XD

GEORGIE: "I’m sorry. I know you hate what we’re doing." JON: "I hate all the options. I just… It’s all my fault, you know?" GEORGIE: "What, because you weren’t able to outsmart the literal embodiment of manipulation and scheming?" JON: "Mmm." GEORGIE: "We all make bad choices, Jon. It’s not your fault some eldritch horror decided yours were going to affect the whole world." For all the things Georgie did that made me not like her, I do like her for that one.

JON: "They were still my choices." GEORGIE: "Yeah. And you live with them. Or you don’t. That’s all there is, really." JON: "Hmm." I think that's another cog wheel for Jon to make his own decision.

MARTIN: "I’d understand if you hate me right now." JON: "What? No! No, Martin, I love you. I always will. And I know you love me too. I mean… [sighs] that’s it, isn’t it? That’s the real core of it. You want to save me." MARTIN: "I want you to save yourself." And that's the last puzzle piece for Jon to finally see the big picture. So to count them all again I personally would think its Jon learning his life was a set-up to this. The others dismissing his options. Georgie telling him all he can do is live with his choices or don't and finally this. Jon doesn't see sending off the Fears as saving himself. It's condemning himself. Again. Him saving himself would mean he can finally put a stop to this and save other people like him in return. Spare them the guilt.

JON: "Sometimes… I imagine if none of this had happened. If we had just… met. Been together, without… all of this." MARTIN: [Softly] "Me, too. … But we wouldn’t have, would we? Been together, I mean." JON: "Huh? W-What do you mean?" MARTIN: "Well, we had that, didn’t we? Almost a year of just working a normal job together, and you hated me." I don't think Jon meant this as them working in the Archives together. More like, him still in research, without the pressure of a job he's not qualified for, without a chaotic task of cleaning up after that one colleague who was about to retire and therefore didn't do their work anymore and without the feeling of The Eye pressing down on him. Just Jon meeting Martin in the library and getting to know him.

JON: "Oh god, Angela! Ha! She’s still about, you know? Lording it over a nasty little Flesh domain. Anyway, I didn’t explicitly say it. I… implied it." Face it, Jon, you're a prick xD

MARTIN: "Face it, Jon, it took almost two years of crisis and trauma to even make us compatible. And that sucks. But here we are. And I don’t want it to be for nothing. I won’t let it." JON: "That’s very sweet of you, Martin. Sort of. Thank you." I do see Martin's point of view and I think Jon sees it too. But I also think Jon thinks it will all be for nothing if he sends off the Fears. Also yeah, shared trauma can create a hell of a bond.

MARTIN: "Wherever you go, I go. That’s it." JON: "You promised to let me go. If I had to." MARTIN: "And you promised not to go if there was any other choice. And there is. So that’s the deal." JON: "That’s the deal." I wonder if it would have changed anything, if Martin left it at that. (Also "Wherever you go, I go" T__T)

MARTIN: "I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? I try, but I can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you. And it… It hurts to know you can." Oh no. If reminding Jon of his promise might have actually turned him around, than this here definitely sealed the deal on going with his own decision again. Martin basically admits here, that he wouldn't have held up his end of the bargain. This makes it sound like Martin is relieved he doesn't have to break his promise cause he definitely would have anyway. I think this is so crucial to what Jon ends up doing.

JON: "I did this. It’s my fault. And I don’t want… I can’t let anyone else feel that. That helpless, enormous guilt. Ever." [JON SNIFFS AS IF TEARING UP] MARTIN: "Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, come here." [FABRIC RUSTLES, WITH SNIFFS FROM JON] Oh fuck that wrecked me. Still does. In general, these "hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"s get me, I don't know why. It was the same in MAG 102, when Jon does it when Martin begins spiraling into his guilt over not even knowing Jon was kidnapped.

MELANIE: "We were scouting. I was showing Basira where we think the gas mainline is." MARTIN: "And?" BASIRA: "Not good. You know those eye things?" JON: "The old Archivists?" BASIRA: "Yeah. I think they know something’s up. The place is crawling with them. It’s like they’re looking for something." I mean yeah, it's world-building, but also a bit of a loose end, since we never hear their struggle to get to the gas main. I think Jonny mentioned in one of the Q&As/Retrospectives that he thought about squishing in a scene of that somewhere in MAG 200 but he couldn't find a fitting place for it. And I think he's right. I don't think it fits anywhere before Jon realizes the lighter is gone and then an explosion immediately hits, it would kind of devalued this moment. And after that there's already too much going on, breaking off Jon and Martin at that point would destroy the atmosphere. But it's fine, there's a lot in TMA that was implied which we never actually hear first hand. It does give MAG 200 a bit of a suspense, like are they actually able to light up the gas main.

MELANIE: "Jon, you’re sure about this whole gas main thing? It just seems, I don’t know, really mundane." JON: "It’s what Annabelle said, and she wasn’t lying. At least, she didn’t think she was." It's also what Gertrude was planning on doing and she had lots of experience about blowing stuff up.

MARTIN: "You’re not listening. I mean, if he kills Jonah, then knowing our luck he’s just going to end up taking his place in the Panopticon, isn’t he?" Hmm, there's quite some dream logic involved. Cause in MAG 193 Jon said "The Eye would choose a suitable replacement" and "If we kill Jonah Magnus, I take his place". It is never specified if different persons killing Jonah have different outcomes. But I guess you could argue that if Jon himself does it, he's more connected to he whole thing going on and the Eye would be much quicker to put him into place. With someone else doing it (whom the Eye does not see fit to become the Pupil) it probably takes a few moments to connect to the Archivist.

MARTIN: "He can come up with me, but when it actually comes to Jonah…" It wooould make more sense for Jon to hide in the tunnels, cause the Eye can't properly see this place. It would probably take a looooot longer to get to Jon, which is easier for them to time their operations. Buuut, if Jon had to stay in the tunnels, we would immediately know Jon went up to Jonah alone, and so we still have a few seconds benefit of the doubt.

BASIRA: "I just mean… um… If we don’t make it out of this… I wanted to say thanks. For coming back for me. [sighs] What I did… Who I was… I – Thanks." JON: "I’m sorry for all of this." Aw, same thought as with Georgie earlier.

BASIRA: "We’ve all got regrets. But we can’t undo what’s done. All we can do is try and do something worthwhile with the time we’ve got left." [HEAVY SIGH FROM JON] JON: "Yeah." Oh no, that "Yeah" didn't sound good...

@a-mag-a-day

#a-mag-a-day #mag 199 #tma #tma spoilers

[neuroticboyfriend]

Hi, I hope you don't mind this ask, I just kind of- wanted a space to verbalize some of my thoughts on my complicated feelings about my own disability. And, idk, maybe this could resonate with some other people too.

Basically, I've sort of considered myself disabled for a little while, because, well. A disability is something that impacts your ability to function and carry out tasks and activities, and my abilities to do those things is certainly impacted. But I always felt guilty for thinking of myself like that, because most of my struggles felt like they only impacted the things I did for leisure, and it felt like I was being overdramatic. Even now, it still feels weird to call myself disabled, like I'm doing something wrong.

I say all of this because it's set-up to the fact that I recently realized that I have a lot less functioning than I thought I did. I am in school, and I have good grades, which is a large part of why I was dismissing everything. But I realized that I still only take four classes, and they're all decently easy work (as in, the intellectual work I have to put into them isn't particularly high), and yet I still rarely go to a full week of classes and can't do much outside of school once I get home from a school day. I do eat regularly, but that's mostly because I'm lucky enough to still live with my very nice father who's willing to cook for me, and when he's not around, I essentially don't eat food that takes any preparation beyond "open a container".

And. It was a very strange experience to come to this realization, and instead of being saddened by it, feeling happy and lifted up. Instead of being crushed by the weight of things I couldn't do, it felt refreshing to newly recognize how surprisingly short my limits are.

Now that I think on it, I believe I know why I felt that joy. On some level, I'd already known my limits, and loathed everything they kept me from doing, but I'd never really made the mental connection that those limits were due to my disability. In addition, it felt legitimizing to my struggles to realize that there was a deeper reason than I'd thought as to why I struggle despite having an easy life. (Of course, disability isn't the only legitimate reason why someone can struggle, but it's hard to apply things you logically know to your own emotions sometimes)

So. If anyone else is still reading this, I guess what I want to say is that it's okay to be glad that you're disabled, or for your first reaction to realizing that you're disabled/more severely disabled than you'd thought to be joy. It can bring you a sense of validation to finally feel like you have a reason for struggling with things most other people seem to find easy. It isn't selfish, and it isn't just "having an excuse to be lazy" or "invading the space of real disabled people".

thank you for sharing your experience; i relate to this, too. and this kinda reminds me of how i felt about being fat. for the longest time, i felt like i was too fat, and didnt deserve to take up so much space. it lead to me having a really distorted, hateful view of my body.

but once i encountered fat liberationists, many of whom were actually bigger than me, things changed. i saw them be happy and fight back. they taught me to stop blaming myself. the fategories allowed me to see myself in relation to other fat people, instead of skinny people through BMI.

im between small-mid fat, but BMI says im morbidly obese. for a while i thought i was just comforted by the idea that i wasnt as fat as I thought i was, but that felt fatphobic to me. until i realized, it was that i realized i wasn't too much, because none of us (fat people) are. all bodies are different, and that includes size, too.

the comfort ultimately came from finally being able to look at my body and see *me* - not the skinny person i was "supposed to be." i was humanized, as who i really am. in both cases - disability and fatness - its recognizing the reality of our existence that affirms us.

#asks #anon #disability #fat #fatness #fategories #bmi #fatphobia #ableism #disabled #anti ableism #anti fatphobia #body posi #body positivity #body positive

[napo-leo-art]

Hi! ^^ 7,9 and 24 (Edgy/misc OC ask meme), if it's still a thing, for Levi pretty please!

It is! Thanks for the questions! Let me put it under the cut because it's LOOONG tw: answer #9 briefly talks about suicide ideation

7. What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

I'll focus on design/idea instead of character development for this one! The biggest thing that's changed is that (prior to playing Retribution) I went back to Rebirth to replay things, mostly to jog my memory. Iirc, my first playthrough of Levi had his vendetta against his past self (because of the provided 'I was an idiot'/I hate looking back at myself reason). I still think he has a really strong hatred for 'Sidestep', who he has a complicated idea of (as in: he knows Sidestep is a part of him, but it's easier to think of him as a different person because he was a legitimate hero back then); now though, his hatred is against Herald. It was kind of a choice motivated by seeing how/if that would change the way the romance played out, and ngl I don't really know if it did (played a ton of Retribution, but I don't remember that part). I think it gives better "reason" for him being so unreasonably cruel to Herald, who he barely knows. Ortega and Chen he has history with, and Argent is a very serious threat, so all of those are well-justified imo. Herald being the target of some (extremely unjustified) violent behavior makes the most sense to me if Levi hates him*. *Which in Levi's case is just jealousy and regret gone overboard 9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Oh god, not prior to right now?

Maybe (from the poem "Do not go gentle into that good night" by Dylan Thomas, which is by FAR one of my favorite poems)

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.

.... Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I don't think that the poem as a whole is representative of Levi, but that strong emotion that it sparks in me personally reminds me very deeply of Levi, and of many Sidesteps that choose that one 'I'll tear my skin if I have to' option. Along with the meaning of the entire poem, I think it inspires this passionate emotion counter to the inevitability of death, which is how I view Levi's feeling about dying. He's a tactician, but he doesn't look for any long term plans as a villain because he sees death as the end point of this fight. The point of this thing isn't really what happens to him at the end of it, because he sees it as just the (hopefully powerful) last thrashes of his life. Even surviving a full year as a villain was a big fucking deal to him: it's not like this is really a suicide-by-cop/suicide-by-hero situation, but he doesn't care if he dies and in a way, it's not a negative if he does. It's just expected.

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

A life path that I think about pretty often for most Sidesteps is the idea of one where they decided to trust the Rangers with the re-gene secret. I think (in retrospect) it's way, WAY easier than admitting to being a villain. I'm hoping that the Rangers would have supported Levi through it, and I know that Sidestep has a lot of pretty reasonable fears about the Farm tracking him back down, so it might've been messy.

But let's say he does mention the re-gene secret and the Farm. I imagine that the Rangers (or at least Ortega, maybe Chen?) would have believed him after a little convincing, and then tried to do what they could to obscure his identity as much as possible. Considering he hid his face most of the time, maybe they'd be confident enough about it.

With the tactician and tech-savvy traits he has, I can see him becoming someone they keep hidden away as much as possible- no more public hero duty (which would suit Levi just fine), and he can get all of the praise and fulfillment he needs out of working on Rangers tech and science on the back end.

In this AU, I wonder if he would've confessed to Ortega eventually, or if Ortega would've tried to make a move- it's possible that would've become a relationship, but only after years and years of Levi being coaxed into actually trusting Ortega. I like to think that Argent and Herald do join eventually, and that they're shocked to figure out that Sidestep (the one-time hero) has become hero tech support LMAO.

I do think he'd be happy. Especially with Ortega and Chen supporting and protecting him.

#fhr spoilers #Levi Song #oc asks #thanks again!!

[tessiete]

One Hell of a Fanfic

So, completely unbeknownst to me, the podcast One Hell of a Fanfic took the time to read and discuss my fic The Eternal Spring. It’s an older fic – I think my first real foray into SW as an author – and it shows. But the wonderful hosts, Steph and Lauren, found it, read it, and talked about it here.

This new podcast focuses on SW fic exclusively, and is an absolute delight to listen to. As a reader, it gives you insight into the experience of reading the story and introduces you to work you might have missed. And as an author…wow.

It’s like when someone leaves you an essay in your comment section. Chef’s kiss.

Anyway, because I love to talk about process and intent, and because I love to talk about stories, and because while listening to this episode I had so many moments of “YES BUT DID YOU SEE THE BIT WHERE I –” I’ve decided to write up a little response going into detail about what Lauren and Steph discovered while reading The Eternal Spring.

I’ll try and organise it, too, by sort of keeping to the five categories they break their episodes into. So here goes:

CANON

Right off the bat, this section made me question everything about myself, my writing, and what on earth I was doing. Both Lauren and Steph mentioned how incredibly deep the lore is, how many Easter Eggs I included, and how I blended canon, Legends, and fanon into a unique lore of its own.

This is wild to me because I’d never thought of that.

Listen, I’ve got a very complicated relationship with canon. I treat it as equal to Legends, and fanon. To my mind, it’s no better, no more real, no more accurate than Legends is, or even fanon. In fact, I’m of the opinion that fanon occasionally has the absolute best take on a character.

For instance, Obi-Wan having precognitive dreams. Sorry, that’s real to me. That’s true. 

And you’ll see this come up as a given in my work all the time. I hardly even think about it anymore. So that’s one way in which these different sources are pulled together – unconsciously.

However, I won’t deny there was conscious reference to two fan works specifically. Those being Tatooine Slave Culture (created by fialleril), and more significantly the Lineage series (Jedi Apprentice rewrites by ruth baulding). I am a huge Jedi Apprentice fan, and a huge ruth baulding fan. I know JA especially has its haters, but I love it (for reasons I will not go into here for the sake of HA! brevity).

I know TSC especially has faced controversy in the past for appropriation and insensitivity, though admittedly, I was unaware of that at the time of writing this story. I had just entered the fandom much like a bull enters a china shop. I made a lot of missteps. That said, I don’t think I use TSC culture with any significant overstep in this story (as it is largely only referenced by people outside of the culture), and so while I probably wouldn’t do it again, I don’t feel it’s detrimental in this case.

Ruth Baulding, however, is perfect. While the Lineage series is extremely whump-heavy (heads up should you go looking), there is one story in particular where Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon visit The Stewardship of Terajon (StewJon) and encounter Obi-Wan’s birth family. While Qui-Gon handles it with a quiet and permissive grace, Obi-Wan is reflexively defensive and hostile, especially when he finds out that SPOILERS his family is on the opposite side of the conflict. They do no support the Republic, while Obi-Wan has dedicated his life to it. Qui-Gon recognises that their reasons are legitimate and ideologies are not so black and white as good and evil. Obi-Wan, however, cannot reconcile the idea that his family are so-called traitors. They end up finding an uneasy peace where Obi-Wan tells his parents that Qui-Gon is and has always been a father to him, and Obi-Wan’s mother makes him promise that if he ever needs help he will ask her for it.

I really wanted to write a story where he does that.

Partly because I wanted to depict an Obi-Wan who had grown into a maturity that could handle shades of grey, especially in politics, and partly because this story is so much about parents and their children, absence and presence and legacy, that I felt Ue, his mother, needed to be there for it.

Side note: I will forever cling to ruth baulding's conjecture that Obi-Wan is named for the obiwan flowers that grow on Stewjon. IRL our obiwan flowers look similar to how she describes them!

As for Qui-Gon and his love of plants – I don’t know.

I think this is a blend of fanon and Legends that I’ve once again just taken on board as fact, and only with this podcast am I compelled to examine it.

Though recently contradicted by LFL canon (In CG’s Master&Apprentice), fanon loooooong held that Obi-Wan was the one with a connection to prophecy and Qui-Gon was Master of Living in the Moment. I really love the tension this creates between them, and that’s why I keep it.

To that end, Qui-Gon is very frequently depicted in fanon as being Super Into Plants. He’s like, the Order’s #1 Plant Dad. His rooms are full of plants, and he is deeply connected to the Living Force.

In the Jedi Apprentice novels, Obi-Wan is almost sent to live as a farmer in the AgriCorps, and he is convinced he’d be a terrible farmer.

I kind of connected these two dots to suggest that much as Obi-Wan still ends up on Tatooine, he also still ends up a farmer. Qui-Gon taught him the horticulture he was so afraid of finding on Bandomeer, and Tatooine sees him eventually relying on those skills for survival. 

This ties into one of the things I wanted to grapple with in this fic. Free will vs. Destiny. I think, ultimately, this story’s perspective on it is that destiny = destination. You are always going to the same place. But the journey itself is free will. How you get there, which path you take, and what you learn from it – that’s all on you. 

And if we believe that it’s not about the destination, but the journey, then isn’t that the same as free will after all?

Anyway. 

That said, Steph and Lauren point out several times that this complex mingling of lore leads to much confusion AND that if you’re not acquainted with even something as (to me) ubiquitous as The Clone Wars, then much of it won’t land.

On the one hand, this is intentional. I love Easter Eggs, but I’m staunchly of the opinion that Easter Eggs aren’t meant to be found by everyone. They’re for the dedicated readers, the hyperfixaters, the deep-divers, the re-readers. I think Easter Eggs aren’t PointingLeos so much as they are sly winks, and things that make returning to a story rewarding. Every time you come back, you find something new. They’re meant to increase the longevity of novelty. And that’s how I try to use them.

THAT SAID I 100% TOOK IT FOR GRANTED THAT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME KNOWLEDGE BASE AS I DO.

In retrospect, that’s ridiculous. This is what I mean by saying they made me question my whole approach to fic. I didn’t think that TCW was a deep-cut. I didn’t think that Siri Tachi and her mandrangea beans were unknown, or that Obi-Wan loving muja fruit was obscure.

And that’s on me. That’s my bad. Because objectively, Lauren and Steph are absolutely right. That is so much information to expect a reader to have as a baseline, and dramatically decreases the size of the demographic I’m reaching.

Do I regret it? ….nnnooooo?

But I will absolutely be more mindful of that in the future. I think that’s a hugely important lesson for me to take from this. It’s not just a “My perspective isn’t everyone’s perspective” but a “Not everyone has been hyperfixating on the exact shade of orange in a Tatooine sunset since they were five, please provide some context thank you”.

EXPANDING THE LORE

Okay, I really wanted to address this, because in a previous episode, Lauren and Steph discuss World Without End by disasterisms. Specifically, they mention their love of mythology and how interesting it is that WWE is a retelling of the Hades/Persephone story.

And it had me frantically raising my hand like a pick-me!

So, fun fact, The Eternal Spring is also based on a Greek myth. Specifically, the myth of Psyche and Eros. In the original story, Psyche marries Eros but swears never to look on his face. She can’t deal with the curiosity however, and one night as he’s sleeping, she holds her torch over his head to get a look. He’s beautiful. But oil from her lamp drips onto him and he wakes, fleeing until she atones for her crime by completing a series of Impossible Tasks.

I love Impossible Tasks.

And more, I loooove hanging my stories on the preexisting structures of other works.

The Forlorn Queen is a long-form poem I wrote that is meant to be a Nabooian version of Psyche and Eros. In it, the unnamed Queen is assigned four Impossible Tasks that all correlate to the tasks of Psyche.

Sort seeds from sand

Retrieve the Golden Fleece

Collect water from a sacred spring

Steal the Beauty of Perspephone 

In the fic, these are played out by Padme in variously metaphorical ways. In the first, she literally has to sort the seeds from the sand after a sandstorm destroys their burgeoning garden. But more than re-enacting this myth, each task is meant to explore some emotional challenge in how she copes and reconciles her grief.

Sorting seeds from sand is a metaphor for her sorting out her priorities. What is alive still? What is worth saving? How closely she has to examine the sand, how long it takes, how tedious it is – this is all a reflection of her looking at her own life, her own struggles, and sorting out what she needs vs. what she wants.

Likewise, she retrieves the Golden Fleece/Golden Scale (saves Boil from the chip and his own lack of purpose, his transformation symbolised by him painting his armour [his scales] gold and taking on Padme’s commission, which is also the Mandalorian colour for vengeance). By sending Boil after Obi-Wan she is bringing water to the goddess (relief to Obi-Wan). And finally, the task that Psyche fails is the one Padme fails, also – at least, she cannot do it alone. This is about the acceptance of death and the loss of youth. This is Padme not joining the rebellion, and Obi-Wan reconciling with Qui-Gon.

Greek myths don’t directly correspond with symbolism as we understand it today, so yeah, I had to do a bit of research and even more extrapolation to get these tasks to mean more than simply Things To Accomplish, but that was always the intent. This story was always a myth – just as Revenge of the Sith (esp. As written by Matthew Stover) is explicitly Greek in its framing as a tragedy.

WHEW! Onto the fun stuff!

CHARACTERS

The thing that struck me most here was Lauren and Steph’s breakdown of small action vs. big action, and how they both agreed that it was sometimes difficult to follow and occasionally off-putting. Small action is the emotional conflicts deeply examined, while big action is like, the pew-pews.

They are totally correct in their assessment.

I could say that I think this is something that the OT and PT especially do. A New Hope, especially, spends what modern audiences would consider a loooong time without any significant Big Action, and the PT really struggles with pacing. It’s something sort of inherent to SW, and I really wanted this fic to feel like SW. It wasn’t entirely unintentional on my part to give you a lot of small action and then suddenly drop in big action…

Buuuuuuut it wasn’t entirely intentional, either.

You know, in writing this fic, I was constantly, constantly afraid it was incredibly boring. You can see it in my ANs. The small action is what I live for, but I was scared no one would want to read it if I stayed there.

So I think this is honestly more a reflection of my own insecurity than it is a deliberate reflection of Star Wars itself.

Again, a lesson. And something to keep in mind!

OMG ALL THAT NONSENSE! If you’re still here, well, I got more!

FAVOURITE SCENES

Qui’s ghost

I am so happy Lauren loved this scene. This was the scene that I first envisioned, this was the scene that I was always writing towards, this scene, to me, is what Star Wars is all about.

And yes, I am actually George Lucas.

For more wild speculations of mine that have since been canonized by LFL please see Only Hope (including, weirdly, Mandalorians being super into culture soups…so…HMU Kathleen!)

But yeah, I love Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. When I was writing this story I was deep into the QuiObi fandom, and I just really loved any and every expression of love and intimacy between them (platonic or otherwise).

Again going back to Legends, for me, I always loved the idea that Obi-Wan is frequently driven by his desire to be good for Qui-Gon. A good padawan, a good knight, a good Jedi. A good person. In JA he has to beg to be his padawan, and never really seems to feel like he measures up to Qui-Gon’s expectations. He wasn’t wanted and he worries that Qui-Gon’s disinterest in him never changed.

To me, it’s very obvious that Qui-Gon does want him. Very early on. But to a young teen, and someone so deeply insecure as Obi-Wan, it’s hard to see. 

I LOVE THAT TENSION.

And I felt Obi-Wan really needed his dad to give him a hug at the end of it all.

The idea that Qui-Gon has always been with Obi-Wan is…I mean, I think that’s just intrinsic to their story. It’s weird because I can see how it looks like I “Just Knew” but I think everyone knew because it’s sort of the inevitable conclusion to their journey together. Qui-Gon literally defies death in order to be with Obi-Wan. I can’t think of any greater expression of love and devotion than that…and yet, Obi-Wan still needs it spelled out for him.

ANYWAY I COULD TALK ABOUT THEM ALL DAY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I’m very happy it made you two cry.

KORKIE IS A KENOBI

Look, I’m not even being ironic about it anymore. I love Korkie Kenobi. I believe in Korkie Kenobi. Korkie Kenobi is the best, most under-utilised, over-disparaged, misunderstood storyline that Star Wars never took.

As I briefly mentioned before, this story is really about parents and their kids. It was not an indulgence but an acute necessity that Korkie be a Kenobi in this fic. I’m not saying that because I love the theory (though I do), but because thematically it is imperative that Obi-Wan sees himself as a son, a brother, and a father. That he understand he is part of a family of blood, of duty, of choice, of circumstance. That he knows he is connected to the Force, to the world, and to the people around him. That we all are. That we owe ourselves to the people around us. That nothing ends, and everything continues. 

That absence is not oblivion. 

And Korkie specifically fits into that theme in the way he and Obi-Wan are connected despite Obi-Wan’s own ignorance. He is biologically present (by blood), he is spiritually present (in Korkie’s Force sensitivity), and he is emotionally present (in the way Korkie was raised watching him, being inspired by him, holding him up as a model of bravery and integrity – despite Obi-Wan not physically being there to parent him, he still was formative in Korkie’s emotional development and, to me, that’s massively important).

I really, really dislike the notion that Korkie being Obi-Wan’s son inherently frames Obi-Wan as a neglectful and dead-beat parent. What a small way to look at someone’s impact on others. What a cruel way to frame purpose, duty, and obligation. What a sexist way to ignore Satine’s importance and capability. What a mean way to dismiss the experiences of so many readers and people who grew up in single-parent homes for whatever reason.

My mum works in medicine. She missed a lot of school concerts, a lot of bedtimes, a lot of birthdays because she was SAVING LIVES. My dad explained this to me as a small child, and even as a small child, I understood. I got it. Kids aren’t dumb, and I knew a lot of kids in similar situations – we’re not traumatised.

Never mind the kids who had a parent die, or deployed, or transferred. It’s hard to be a parent, and yes, some parents are uninterested and dead-beats. But that neglect is not defined by their absence.

PERSONAL PET PEEVE EXORCISED THROUGH KORKIE

I tried to really connect things here by having Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan mirror Obi-Wan and Korkie. Just as Obi-Wan was simultaneously present and absent in Korkie’s life, so too is Qui-Gon present and absent in Obi-Wan’s.

There’s a little moment where Obi-Wan’s mother, Ue, reassures Korkie that he’s wanted. Obi-Wan will not reject him. She tells him, “You are not a consequence, or a punishment, aso-aso,” she murmurs. “And I don't see that any parent could hold you any less than the very best of all beloved things.”

Then, at the end of the story, Qui-Gon uses the same words telling Obi-Wan, “Never think, my dearest Ben, that you are anything less than best beloved of my very heart.”

(“Best Beloved” btw is very much stolen from Kipling)

As for him taking the Kenobi name – hey man, we need more Kenobis.

But I love the bravery it takes because, as the hosts mention, it puts a big target on his back in a galaxy where the most powerful Force user is constantly on the look out for Kenobi.

And, in fact, if you’re curious, I explored the possibility of Vader finding Korkie first here: Or Else I Shall Be Lost

HERE there was also another lesson: 

Steph and Lauren discussed the revelation of Korkie’s Force Sensitivity, and how it was confusing until the very end when I explicitly commented on it.

I TOTALLY DIDN’T REALIZE THIS WAS CONFUSING because mostly, I didn’t realise that I was writing a mystery.

BUT I WAS! Holy heck! I’m honestly surprised. Another like, surprising reframing of my own intentions and process. Because looking back, they’re totally right.

Kind of in line with using lore I like without explanation or justification, I also like referencing things I as the author know to be true but without actually telling the audience. In this case, I used wild coincidence as a thin cover for Force sensitivity, not revealing that had been intentional until the end.

Of course, in my head I was like, “Ha! Another clue! They’ll be putting this puzzle together by now” without accounting for the fact that I never told anyone there was a puzzle to begin with.

Not sure how I’ll address that in future fic, but it’s…it’s really something to think about. Is it a mystery if you don’t tell your audience something needs to be investigated? 

NUMA REFERENCE

I honestly can’t remember, but I think Kano is canon….or Legends…and was there on Ryloth. I love using clones that make sense, even if they’re lesser known. It makes me feel less like someone’s got plot armour and more that they were lucky which was also why I used Boil. I know, having been in fandom for ages now, that fandom would’ve preferred Cody be the clone to find Padme on Tatooine and go after Obi-Wan, but like…

Look, I’m super proud that fandom has made Cody the character he is, but canonically, most of that doesn’t exist.

Canonically, the clones assigned to cover Obi-Wan’s back are Waxer and Boil.

And I think Waxer dies, right? So the only clone that made sense to me, as a fandom newbie, was Boil. It had to be Boil.

And his relationship with Numa cemented that. Because Numa is – in a way – his daughter. The same way Leia is. She is the inheritor of whatever is left after the war. Numa lives, but what of Ryloth? Did she survive the rest?

I think that moment is the one, uncomplicated victory that Boil looks back on to ground himself. He can look at Ryloth and think “We did the right thing” because after that, everything gets complicated. And that’s the thing that convinces Kano to help them, also. The desire to believe they’ve done good. Simple, uncomplicated good.

QUESTIONS

Okay, I really wanted to address this next part – Lauren and Steph were so unconvinced that Padme would stay on Tatooine and not join the Rebellion.

You guys, I was SCREAMING!

And again, they weren’t wrong. I can totally see how they came to that conclusion, how Padme’s choice felt OOC and wrong, and how it does contradict everything we know of her from canon.

And while I have no intention of changing their interpretations of canon, or of my fic I sooooo want to discuss it from my POV. And you know what, again – my bad for not articulating it in a clear enough way. I would probably rewrite this scene if I were to do it again.

Because that contradiction is the point.

This isn’t what Padme would choose. Like she says, she thinks about it. She thinks about going to Bail. That’s her first thought.

But, this fic is meant to show why she can’t.

It’s not that the destination has changed, but she has.

Technically, this fic takes place over the course of a full year. It’s vaguely charted in the growth of the twins (again, tess, you can’t just assume everyone knows baby milestones). At the beginning, Padme is in a state of shock. And so is Obi-Wan…

Let’s get into the kiss.

In a fit of just, complete upset, Padme slaps Obi-Wan. And then she kisses him. She says she hates him. And he does nothing.

This takes place about thhhhhreeeeeeeee??? Months into their time on Tatooine, and for this whole time, Obi-Wan has really done nothing but exist on a cursory, polite surface level. He smiles because it is expected. He farms because he must. He wakes up and functions but he says absolutely nothing about what they’ve gone through.

And Padme cannot stand it anymore.

She feels like she’s on her own. And she tries to make him react. In this, I really wanted to show just how well suited Anakin and Padme were to each other. She likes Obi-Wan. She’s glad he’s with her, but she needs to see him hurt. Because she hurts.  She absolutely takes it WAY TOO FAR.

Obi-Wan turns inward in his pain. Padme explodes outward.

Well, she wants to.

But she CAN’T. Because she has the twins.

Obi-Wan gets to be an automaton, but Padme has to be a mother. She has to engage with Beru and Owen. She has to negotiate at the market. She has to feed, and clothe, and raise her children. She has to BE PRESENT ALL THE TIME. She doesn’t get to be numb.

Is it a comment on the division of emotional labour between men and women? Yyyyyes? But not in a derogatory way. Obi-Wan went through the same thing when Anakin was little and Qui-Gon died, but the difference is this time, Obi-Wan doesn’t have the purpose Padme has. She has the twins. Obi-Wan feels he is entirely superfluous.

This is all related to those messy emotions Lauren and Steph mentioned and which I really love to write. People – even good people – can be ugly. I love it. I truly believe there are no bad emotions, no bad traits. Everything evolved to keep you alive, to protect you. Obi-Wan protects himself with little cruelties. Padme lashes out.

I’m so happy the I hate you moment hit! I thought it was so sick. Had to do it. 

And emotions are also inconsistent, even if motivation or ideology remains stable. So like, the part where Padme looks at Obi-Wan sleeping and is very empathetic – she’s still centering herself. She’s looking at him from the perspective of a mother, and imagining his mother. She is kind and generous in her assessment of him and his suffering here, and at other times, but…

She’s very conscious of it. Obi-Wan is vulnerable in sleep. It’s easy to be kind then. And later, she has all of Anakin’s insight into Obi-Wan, and a lot more patience than Anakin ever had. She understands how Obi-Wan copes. She lets him do what he needs to.

But MONTHS pass. And she’s so tired of carrying it all. She runs out of patience.

Anyway. 

Anakin betrays them. And Padme can do nothing.

Obi-Wan leaves. And Padme can do nothing.

Padme is so frequently stripped of agency by circumstance, and you’re right – in canon, she fights that! She leaps into the fray and takes control.

But she has twins now. Her purpose, but also her burden.

She can’t join the Rebellion. Where would they go? How would they live? Who would take care of Luke and Leia?

If they go to Alderaan, they put a huge target on Bail and intense scrutiny on the Rebellion. They also bring themselves into direct contact with the Empire. If Vader got even a hint that Padme lived he would not stop until she was in his custody. If he knew he had kids? If he knew they were with Obi-Wan? It’s way too dangerous. They are a huge liability. She is a huge liability.

As Luke says, if there’s a bright spot in the galaxy then Tatooine is the place that’s furthest from it.

Tatooine is SAFE. Vader won’t go there, and the Empire doesn’t care about it. Is it run by the Hutts? Yeah. But better Hutts than the Empire, especially because the Hutts don’t care about the little people living day to day. Padme can give the kids a quiet, boring life on Tatooine. She can keep them safe.

And as she sorted the seeds from the sand in chapter one, THAT is her priority. Her kids. They have no one else, and furthermore, if their existence were known they would be targeted, captured, and killed – or worse. She wants to join the Rebellion. She would. But she can’t because she needs to keep Luke and Leia safe.

While Obi-Wan’s reason for staying on Tatooine is a passing on of legacy, and setting down the burden of war (he’s done his time), Padme’s reason for staying is a reassessment of her priorities. Hers is a maturation of responsibility. Sometimes, we can’t do what we want. It sucks. But we’re adults.

“Living in Squalor” though made me LAAAAAAUGH! You’re so right. 

Oh my gosh, she’s tandem carrying! That’s the term. Hahahaha, yeah, poor girl. Lots of tandem carrying, but once Obi-Wan’s back, they’re basically a two-parent household. Plus, the fic sees them building that community. There’s Korkie, there’s Boil, there’s Beru and Owen. Padme screams at Obi-Wan that she’s alone, but by the end she’s not.

And like, in terms of practicality, I think Owen? Obi-Wan? I think there’s mention of them “digging out the cellar”. The idea is that more than half the house is buried, but once they dig out the cellar and reinforce the walls down there, there’s a significant chunk of living space they can utitilise (ie. at least one, if not two bedrooms underground where it’s cooler like we see in the Lars house in ANH).

But yeah, babies in the haffa chest for now!

QUAINT CABIN NOT SQUALOR! 

Lastly, Owen and Beru! Ahahahahaha, I’m so happy Lauren and Steph were charmed by them. And I love their insight on the inversion of protection. In canon, Obi-Wan is there protecting them, but in Eternal Spring, the Lars’ are very much protecting Obi-Wan (and Padme). I thought that was really insightful. God, I love clever readers!

I just quickly wanted to touch on Owen’s grudge against Obi-Wan because yeah, it’s totally silly. I imagine Owen as being very typically masculine, and Tatooine culture being pretty big into gender-roles, though the expression of those roles may not fall directly in line with gender presentation (but that’s another topic).

Anyway, Owen is a dude’s dude. A guy’s guy. You know - a Man™. 

And Obi-Wan is………SO SOFT.

This dude comes into Owen’s house with Trauma. He’s soft-spoken, and polite. He doesn’t speak much, and when he does it’s with a cut-glass accent that sounds so out of place. He listens without interrupting, he doesn’t make ribald jokes. 

And he’s got magic powers.

There are ten thousand Jedi in the entire galaxy. Owen met Anakin once, and he went off the deep end.

Obi-Wan freaks him out. He’s so weird. He is not the kind of person Owen knows how to deal with, and he’s certainly not the kind of guy Owen can relate to. And Beru says to be gentle. Gentle? On Tatooine?

As we see when he’s coaching Padme, Owen doesn’t believe that gentleness or mercy have any place out here. 

The secret is, Owen’s SUPER SOFT underneath. And Beru knows this. Hence why she keeps encouraging Owen to take care of Obi-Wan, to bring him out to mingle with other people. Beru sees that Obi-Wan is collapsing in on himself, and is trying to get Owen to draw him out.

When he nearly dies, Owen is more angry that they almost died. Not at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan is just a convenient punching bag because he doesn’t punch back. If he did, Owen would know how to respond – he’d buy him a drink, and shake his hand.

I think, underneath, Owen really likes Obi-Wan (and we see this at the end when he’s jealous that Obi-Wan went to visit his blood brother, AtasOWEN – an alternate Owen, and also a reference to the old Legends lore that Owen Lars was Kenobi’s half-brother). Owen wants to be Obi-Wan’s family, and he gives him the gift of brotherhood (he tells the whole town that they’re related to protect him, yes, but also because he’s claiming that title). It’s very much one of those “Hey! No one gets to pick on my idiot brother, except me!”

The same way he is gruff and blunt to Luke in ANH, Owen is the same way with Obi-Wan. “Too much of his father in him.” Too much of Anakin in everyone for Owen’s taste. 

But that, again, is on the author to make clear! All these lessons. I’m so thankful that I had this opportunity to listen to such a generous and in-depth analysis of my fic. It’s been fun, informative, and genuinely really instructive in the most supportive and uplifting way.

I highly recommend everyone check out One Hell of a Fanfic here, or on Spotify. Thank you so much for reading my fic, and until next time…

May the Force be with you!

#my fic #podcast #star wars #fic rec #process and stuff #indulge me #padme lives au #Youtube

[marengogo]

seeing these cultists get so pressed just seeing mingukie look at each other makes me wake up with a smile on my face. like the fact that these people have to crawl into the core of the earth just to convince people that the pair they worship is truly legitimate and endgame truly proves that (1), they're pathetic and (2), that mingukie is literally unstoppable. also sorry 😆, i just wanted to mention that here considering what's going on with jimin. i really hope these sickos get the karma they deserve.

anyway, stay pressed besties! 💅

Hey Anon!

Even though your ask is you letting out frustration about what I’d like to call “Just another day in Jimin’s social media life” (... which needs a post of its own …), you know what? Please allow me to use your Ask to address Toxic TKKers for a second, as I haven’t yet. You’ve called them cultists, which I’d say is extremely spot on. Others refer to them as the subgroup, probably in order not to call them something much worse 😬. Yet, because I am me and I like to name everything … like everything … I’ll go ahead and simply and quickly refer to them as TTKKers ( = Toxic TKKers).

Now please be warned; I’ll be taking a bit of a long route to talk about them, as I feel I need to start from somewhere because this, like everything, is part of a story, which in this case, unfortunately, somewhere along the way lost its plot and took a turn for the worse. I should probably also point out that everything following from this point on is entirely: my opinion and my speculation. Okay? So let’s start.

Let’s start with TaeKookJiHope aka Team Party~Party! Or as I like to think of them; Touchy-Touchy Line. Out of all the members of this group, I believe that by now, it has been made sufficiently clear that they like to hang out together as a quartet. But one big thing I believe they have in common, is that they are also quite physical with showing most of all their emotions, positive and negative, ranging from affection all the way to disapproval.

Now you may or may not have noticed, but I have initially referred this quartet as TaeKookJiHope, which I did intentionally, as I wanted to split them in two groups within the Touch-Touchy Line; Taekook - Silent Touchy-Touchy Duo and JiHope - Talkative Touchy-Touchy Duo. Don’t get me wrong, all 4 of them are by nature rather shy when put in situations they are not familiar with, but within a situation of comfort Jimin and Hobi have no qualms in expressing their thoughts using words, whereas Tae and JK are always very much on the silent side of life, reason why perhaps, their need/want to touch is further heightened, maybe as a way to compensate where their words were lacking. 

This probably also explains why Taekook and JiHope get along so well, for example pre-debut and up to 2015 TaeKook or for example JiHope being roommates and wanting to forever be roommates. On that friendship, confidant and comfort level each duo was actually a perfect match. However, with time passing, for reasons we aren’t going to discuss on this post, Taekook began to meet some sort of friction.

So now let’s concentrate on our Silent Touchy-Touchy Duo; TaeKook. As also expressed by Tae and JK themselves, the two of them grew distant with time which made things slightly awkward between the two of them, but in my opinion, the person who was mostly affected by this situation was Tae and this is where the story becomes unfortunate. 

At some point Tae went through a lot. A LOT. But somehow he was able to regain some sort of normalcy, as well as the will to maybe want to mend a particular bond, which in this case was the one with Jungkook. And here is where it gets even more complicated. Try to think of Tae as the big brother that is trying to regain the affection of his little brother.

A little brother, who in the meantime isn’t so little anymore, has maybe hobbies and habits he isn’t aware of, fears and dreams he wishes he knew. He perhaps didn’t necessarily want for things to be the way they were, I think he wanted to be back in a situation where they could feel comfortable around each other again. And even though being physically affectionate is the way that Tae knows best (as well as acting in imaginary scenarios), being touched doesn't always sit very well with JK, so Tae busted his ass.

They went on a trip together, had meals together where they would have “adult talks”, showing interest in his hobbies such as boxing. Tae has been trying for real. BUT ALAS, each and every single of his attempts at rebuilding a normal relationship with his dongsaeng has been taken, smashed to the ground, stepped one a thousand times, picked up and thrown as far as possible off the tallest cliff by every single TTKKer to this day. 

At some point, when Tae and JK were having their bit of distance TTKKers decided to write their own story, since the story they thought they had abruptly stopped. And instead of assessing the situation at hand, they ignored it all and kept writing this imaginary story where every touch, stare, breathe, etc that Tae and JK shared in each other’s proximity was enough. Since there was nothing, it had to be enough. Hence, here we are, in the present days, where simply having Tae or/and JK turning in each other’s direction is instantly, and can only be nothing but a secret message, a vow to eternity and a declaration of love all at once, which I bet is deep-down frustrating AF, for all parties involved.

TW is on fire every single day, YT edits morph content in an attempt to mislead every other day and Tumblr has a lurker section waiting to attack at any time and  all of this in the name of a desperately and carefully crafted folie à deux? Because, and I will never get tired of saying this but, me thinking that Jikook are a thing, is me thinking that Jikook are a thing. Nothing less, nothing more. If I turned out to be wrong, my world would still turn, but the world of a TTKKer (and all other toxic counterparts btw) … What happens when the story can’t be continued?

I suppose we’ll find out eventually and ... sorry for using your ask Anon to write this long-ass post.

As always respectfully yours, I'm off to bed for today 😘

Marengo.

#ASKS #Jihope #TaeKookJiHope #Touchy-Touchy Line #Team Party~Party! #TTKKers

[writingwithcolor]

Being an Agender, 1st-Gen Indian-American

I’m a first-generation immigrant, with both my parents being Indian immigrants. My mom immigrated to Canada before she came to America (when she was in her late twenties), and is a Canadian citizen. She was born and raised in Ahmedabad, a city in Gujarat. My dad moved to India when he was in his early twenties. He moved from Ahmedabad to Mumbai in his fifth standard, and moved from a Gujarati-medium school to an English-medium one. 

My dad is more fluent in English than my mom, though they both are fluent and speak mostly without an accent. I speak Gujarati more-or-less fluently, since that’s what we spoke at home, but I can barely even write my name. I’m Hindu, as is my family, and a strict vegetarian. I’m agender, but I use she/her and they/them pronouns. 

Beauty Standards

One of the biggest issues in the Indian-American community is the issue of body hair. I’m AFAB, so I was expected to have smooth, hairless legs and arms. The reality was rather different. Since the age of ten, I had more body hair than the boys in my class. I was mocked and called by the name of a TV animal character, whose name was a mispronunciation of my own. No one ever did anything about it. I was eight. My mother, though she meant well, pushed me into waxing and threading and other forms of hair removal since the day I turned eleven. Even now, as a fully-grown adult with my own apartment and my own life, I can’t bring myself to wear shorts or capris without having spent hours making sure my legs are smooth. Body hair is a huge issue that needs to be addressed more, and not just as a few wisps of blonde hair in the armpit region.

Food

It’s complicated. Growing up, we had thaalis (with roti, rice, sweet dal, and shaak [which is a mix of vegetables and spices]) for dinner almost every night. When we didn’t, it was supplemented with foods like pasta, veggie burgers, and khichdi. We made different types of khichdi each time, based off of different familial recipes that were all named after the family member who introduced them. My mom had to make milder food for my sister, and while my sister loves spicy foods now, I’m still not a big fan. A side effect of growing up in a non-white, vegetarian family is that no one in my family has any idea of what white non-vegetarians eat. Like, at all. It’s kind of funny, to be honest. 

Holidays/Religion

My mom is a Vaishnav, and my dad is a Brahmin, so the way they both worship is very different. My dad’s family places a huge emphasis on chanting and prayer, as well as meditation. They mostly pray to capital-G G-d, as the metaphysical embodiment of Grace. My mom’s family, however, places emphasis on– I don’t want to say “idol worship" because of the negative connotations that has– but they worship to murtis, statues that represent our gods. My mom’s favored god to pray to is Krishna, and we have murtis in our home that she performs sevato every day.

We celebrate Janmashtmi, Holi, Diwali, Ganesha Puja, Lakshmi Puja– too many to count, really. We don’t always go all-out, especially on most of the smaller celebrations, but we do try and attend the temple lectures on those days, or host our own. We also celebrate Christmas and Easter secularly. I didn’t even know Christmas was a Christian holiday until I was in elementary school, and Easter until I was in high school.

Micro-Aggressions

Whooo, boy. Where do I start?

When my sister was in first grade, she had a friend. I’ll call her Mary. Mary, upon learning that my sister was not, in fact, Christian, brought an entire Bible to school and forced my sister to read it during recess, saying that otherwise, she wouldn’t be her friend anymore. Mary kept telling my sister that she would go to hell if she didn’t repent, and that our entire family was a group of “ugly sinners.” When my sister came to me for advice, I told her that Mary wasn’t her friend, that Mary wasn’t being nice, and that my sister wasn’t going to go to hell, and that we don’t even believe in hell. When my sister finally stood up to Mary and told her that she wasn’t going to listen to her anymore, Mary got angry and dumped a mini-carton of chocolate milk on her and told her that “now she looks like what she is– a dirty [the Roma slur term].” Not only was that inaccurate, it was extremely racist, and Mary was only reprimanded for the milk-spilling, not the racist remark that came with it. 

On top of that, since I have long hair, I’m always getting asked if so-and-so can touch it, or what I do to get it so long, or why I allow myself to be “shaped by such backwards ideals of women.” My name is never pronounced correctly, and I’ve been asked to give people my “American name” to be called by instead of my actual name. I’ve been called a terrorist, asked why I wasn’t wearing a hijab (by white people btw), and mocked for my food. I’ve been told that I wasn’t “really Indian” because I didn’t have a dot on my forehead. I’ve been told I wasn’t “really Hindu” because I had milk on my plate, by a white boy whose mom was a leader of a local choir.

I grew up in a town where only 4-5% of the population was South Asian, and there were a total of five South Asians in my grade level. The school administration consistently and intentionally placed us in different classes, and I never made a friend that was South Asian until 7th grade. When I came to the school, I was placed in ESOL without even being tested, while also being in the Advanced Readers class. The school didn’t even care to look at my school records before placing me into ESOL based on the color of my skin. 

Things I’d Like to See Less/More Of

I’d like to see less of the “nerd” stereotype, of the “weak, nonathletic” stereotype. I’d like to see less of the “prude” stereotype, of the “I hate my culture/feel I don’t belong” stereotype. I’d like to see less of the “rebellion” stereotype, of the “my parents are so strict and I hate them” stereotype. I never want to see the “unwanted arranged marriage” trope. Ever.

I want to see bulky, tall Indian characters. I’d like to see Indian characters confident in their sexuality, whether that’s not having sex (for LEGITIMATE reasons like risk of STDs, general awkwardness before and after The Deed, and wanting to wait, not “oh my parents said so and also I’m sheltered and innocent”), or having a new sexual partner every night.

I want Indian characters (especially children/teens!!!) proud of their culture and their heritage and their religion, whether that’s Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, or anything else. I want to see supportive Indian parents, I want to see more than chiding Indian grandmothers and strict Indian fathers. I want to see healthy arranged marriages, or healthy mixed-marriages. I want to see mixed Indian-POC couples, I want to see queer Indian couples.

I want to see body hair on female-presenting characters, I want to see more of India that isn’t “bustling market with the scent of spices in the air” and “poor slums rampant with disease” and “Taj Mahal”. I want to see casual mentions of prayer and Hinduism and Indian culture (a short “My mom’s at the temple, she can’t come pick us up” or a “what is it? i’m in the middle of a holi fight! eep! ugh, gulaab in my mouth” over a phone call, or a “she won’t answer until 12– she’s in her Bharatnatyam class/Gurukul class/doing seva/at the temple” would suffice). I want to see more Indian languages represented than just Hindi. There’s Tamil, Gujarati, Marathi, Nepali, and Kashmiri, just off the top of my head. The language your character speaks depends on the place they come from in India, and they might not even speak Hindi! (I don’t!)

I hate that Indian culture is reduced to “oppressive, strict, and prudish” when it's so much more than that. I hate that Indians are stereotyped to the point where it is a norm, and the companies reinforcing these stereotypes don’t take responsibility for their actions and don’t change. I hate the appropriation of Indian culture (like yoga, pronounced “yogh”, not “yo-gaaa” fyi, the Om symbol, meditation, and Shri Ganapathidada) and how normalized it is in Western society. 

This ended up a lot longer than I had expected, but I hope it helps! Good luck with your writing :)

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#POC Profiles #submission #Indian #South Asian #agender #first generation #Canadian #beauty standards #food #holidays #Indian holidays #Vaishnav #Brahmin #Hindu #Microaggressions #racism #sexism #Culture #Indian culture #representation #Indian representation #South Asian representation #Indian stereotypes #stereotypes

[robininthelabyrinth]

Fic were both JZX and Jiang Yanli are trans? I imagine the engagement would get complicated.

The More Things Change - ao3

“My lady,” the midwife said. “Congratulations. You have a daughter.”

Madame Jin shook her head. “I need a son,” she said.

“My lady –”

“I’m not doing that again,” Madame Jin said, her voice getting stronger. “I need a son.”

“But –”

She looked at her loyal maid, who inclined her head.

A knife flashed.

“Congratulations, my lady,” her maid said, pushing aside the midwife’s body with her foot. “You have a son.”

Madame Jin smiled.

-

“I’m glad you survived the birth of your child,” Madame Yu said to her old childhood friend, wondering why she’d been invited over to visit Lanling City quite so quickly – it hadn’t even been a month. “Were you thinking –”

“I have a son,” her friend said.

“Congratulations.”

“You don’t understand,” her friend said. “There’s a problem.”

-

“A-Li,” Jiang Yanli’s mother said in a strange tone. “Do you like wearing dresses?”

“Uh-huh,” Jiang Yanli said, trying to see if she could stick her fist into her mouth. She’d always worn frocks, the way all children her age did, but at some point soon her mother had been warning her that she’d need to switch over to wearing proper robes for boys. Jiang Yanli had burst into tears, saying she didn’t want to be a boy at all – that she didn’t want to leave her mother’s side, that she didn’t want to join the world of men, she didn’t, she didn’t.

“And you really don’t want to go be a boy? Really, you’re sure?”

Jiang Yanli nodded.

“What if I said you didn’t have to be? You could be a girl, just the way you like.”

“Really?”

“Mm. But you’d have to be a girl forever.”

“Okay,” Jiang Yanli said happily. “I wanna be a girl forever.”

“Good,” her mother said, and picked her up. “Just keep saying that.”

-

“What do you think we are,” Jiang Fengmian asked his wife blankly. “Qinghe Nie?”

His wife glared daggers at him.

“Attempt the impossible,” she said stiffly. “A-Li has been claiming to be a girl consistently for a year. Would you deny her the chance to follow her dreams?”

Well, when she put it that way…

Jiang Fengmian hesitated.

“It does create a problem,” his wife said, and he looked at her. She smiled faintly and leaned forward, showing her curves to their best advantage. “If she’s a girl, she’ll marry out, won’t she? We need a boy.”

Jiang Fengmian swallowed. A boy sounded – nice, he thought vaguely, eyes caught on what he was being offered. A little boy, lively and bright, with a happy smile always on his face…yes, that sounded rather nice.

Wei Changze’s letter upstairs said that his wife had announced that they had conceived, and that she had divined that it would be a son – it was frightfully early to make such predictions, less than a month in, but apparently disciples of the immortal mountain were able to determine such things early. A boy like that, who could be friends with their boy, a reason for them to come to visit and maybe even to stay…

Yes, he thought. That sounded rather good.

“All right,” he said. “A-Li can be a girl, I guess.”

-

Madame Yu and Madame Jin let news of the engagement seep out as rumor for months before telling their husbands. When they did, they took different approaches: Madame Jin pointed out the strategic benefits of an alliance with Yunmeng Jiang and the unlikelihood of Jin Guangshan finding a match for their son that would give him so much more influence in the cultivation world, which had made her husband stop his grumbling and look upon the match with a favorable eye.

Madame Yu stared at her husband, for whom she had just born a son three weeks premature and very nearly died in the process, and said, “What’s your problem?”

“A-Li can’t marry the Jin sect heir! She’s not –” He waved his hands. “The possibility of children –”

“I would have thought that would be a selling point,” Madame Yu said, and he blinked at her. “He’s Guangshan’s son. There will be children enough.”

After some further arguing, Jiang Fengmian begrudgingly backed down.

Madame Yu smiled to herself, and thought of grandchildren.

-

Everyone said that Jin Zixuan was a spoiled brat and incredibly lucky, but he didn’t think he was. Sure, he was rich and legitimate; his father valued him, while his mother loved him and would defend him against any challengers to his position as heir, but privately…

“Why do I have to work so hard?” Jin Zixuan asked, panting. “I’m already cultivating, and my teachers say I’m not bad with the sword –”

“Not bad isn’t good enough,” his mother said sharply. “You have to keep up with all the rest of them, and that means getting ahead now.”

“The rest of who?” he asked. “Do you mean…”

He hesitated, not knowing if he was also included in his mother’s taboo against mentioning the results of his father’s philandering.

“All of the cultivation world’s young gentlemen,” she said, to his surprise. “You have to keep up with them. No, you need to exceed them. You must!”

“But – why?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

-

“Mother,” Jiang Yanli said. She was clutching a book in her hands. “Mother, can we talk?”

Her mother frowned at her, looking disapproving – and then she saw the book.

Jiang Yanli thought she would yell at her, but she didn’t; her mother only gestured for her to come into her room, ordering her maids to close the doors and windows.

“Mother,” Jiang Yanli said. “Mother, the book –”

“How did you get a spring book?” her mother asked. She looked tired. “Surely you’re still too young?”

Jiang Yanli bowed her head.

It was true, she was too young. And yet…

“Mother, the pictures in the book…”

“I know.” Her mother sighed. “All right. Let me explain.”

-

Jin Zixuan stared at his mother. He felt sick.

“But,” he said, and swallowed. “But what about…?”

“I’ve handled it,” she said harshly. “But that is why you must not allow your father to take you to a brothel. Is that understood?”

-

“Who do you think is the best girl? Zixuan-xiong?”

“Oh, don’t ask him! He has a fiancée, so his answer will be her!”

“A fiancée? Really? What sect is she from? She must be extremely talented!”

“Forget it,” Jin Zixuan said.

“What do you mean by that?” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, and suddenly he was getting into his face. “Say that again if you dare!”

Jin Zixuan opened his mouth, hating him – hating the whole situation, being stuck not making any decisions for himself, his whole life mapped out for him by others – but then hesitated.

Jiang Yanli is the only one fit for you, his mother said. Do you understand? The only one.

“I haven’t met her since I was five,” he said instead of what he wanted, rolling his eyes. “So how could I dare to boast about her in your presence? You all want to know about her, ask Jiang-gongzi.”

Wei Wuxian blinked at him, the wind suddenly taken out of his sails.

Jin Zixuan escaped.

He felt like shit, thought. She was his fiancée, and he didn’t know anything about her – he didn’t want to hear about her, think about her. And yet…

The only one.

He went back to his room and wrote her a letter. It was a mess, the worst thing he’d ever written, nothing at all like the polite and careful phrasing, elegant and beautiful, that he’d been trying to put together, something worthy of his name.

He sent it before he could think better of it.

-

Jiang Yanli held the letter to her chest and smiled.

-

They’d exchanged a few dozen letters. Jin Zixuan knew that his intended was smart and witty, empathetic and kind, observant and well-meaning, but he didn’t know that she was beautiful until after they escaped from the indoctrination camp and the cave with the Xuanwu of Slaughter.

He’d just accompanied Jiang Cheng for the entire seven days it took to get to the Lotus Pier, collapsing right alongside him, and while Jiang Cheng had – somehow – gotten back on his feet and immediately led his father and mother out the door to go rescue Wei Wuxian, he’d stayed down on the floor until someone knelt down in front of him and smiled.

“Can I get you something to eat, Jin-gongzi?” Jiang Yanli asked.

“Uh,” Jin Zixuan said, and turned bright red. He could sure think of some things he’d like to eat – living as his father’s son had certainly given him an education (however theoretical) about that.

“Food,” Jiang Yanli clarified, giggling into her sleeve. “Let me get you some food.”

-

This was probably a bad idea, Jiang Yanli thought, looking down at the head tucked against her chest. I probably should’ve just stuck to food. What if he gets with child? What will we do then?

She couldn’t quite bring herself to regret it, though.

“A-Xuan,” she whispered, and Jin Ziuxan stirred a little. “Can we do it again?”

“You’re insatiable.”

That wasn’t a refusal.

-

“A-Li!” Jin Zixuan shouted, rushing forward. “A-Li, A-Li…!”

She collapsed into his arms.

He looked at the retainers from Meishan Yu, stubborn but pale. “It’s all right,” he said. “She’s my fiancée. I can take care of her.”

“The Jin sect walks in the center path,” one of the retainers said. “Never quite committing to the Sunshot Campaign. How do we know this isn’t a trick to get into the Wen sect’s good books?”

Jin Zixuan bit his lip. He’d pushed his father time and time again, and even that had only gotten them to participate half-heartedly in the fight against the Wen sect. What could he say? What worth was his word?

“It’s all right,” Jiang Yanli said. “I trust him.”

-

“You could do so much better, you know,” Wei Wuxian said. “It’s not too late!”

Jiang Yanli smiled down at her wedding outfit, but thinking instead of the panicked expression on Jin Zixuan’s face a week before when he’d unexpectedly thrown up in the morning when he was supposed to be preparing for the Phoenix Mountain hunt.

“Oh, it’s too late,” Jiang Cheng grumbled. “On that note, you pick the name.”

“The name…?”

“For our upcoming nephew.”

“Shijie! You didn’t!”

Jiang Yanli’s grin widened.

-

“Wei Wuxian has committed a crime in attacking our camp and taking the Wen remnants,” Jin Zixuan’s father announced. “We should –”

“Let it go, Father.”

“…what?!”

“I’m getting married, and he’s A-Li’s shidi,” Jin Zixuan reminded his father. “It would be inauspicious to start a marriage by breaking such a relationship.”

His father looked like he was planning on ignoring that, so Jin Zixuan used his trump card.

“We can’t afford anything inauspicious right now,” he said. “Not when there’s a child on the way.”

His mother dropped her cup.

-

“I have to go,” Jin Zixuan said. “You don’t understand. I have to.”

Jiang Yanli rubbed his hair. “You’re supposed to be in seclusion,” she reminded him. “As am I.”

“I’ve been throwing up every morning for two months, A-Li,” Jin Zixuan pleaded. “I can order them to clear the kitchen. No one would know we were there!”

Jiang Yanli laughed a little. “The craving’s that bad, huh?”

“Yes!”

“Oh, all right. We’ll give it a shot…”

It would have worked, too, if Jin Guangyao hadn’t noticed that too many people were in the wrong place and taken it upon himself to investigate.

“…Jiang-guniang?” He stared at her flat waist, then turned his eyes slowly towards the roundness at Jin Zixuan’s. “Jin-gongzi…?!”

“It’s all right, it’s A-Yao,” Jin Zixuan said to Jiang Yanli. “He won’t tell anyone. Right?”

Jin Guangyao shook his head mutely.

“Seclusion,” he muttered. “No wonder…everyone said it was bad timing that you went into seclusion right before Mistress Jiang announced her pregnancy. But it wasn’t, was it..?” He shook his head. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell.”

“We’re in your debt,” Jin Zixuan said, and thought Jin Guangyao’s eyes upon him were softer than they’d ever been before. “You’ll be a good uncle.”

Jin Guangyao smiled. “Perhaps,” he allowed. “One question, if I may. Who’s the father?”

Jiang Yanli wrapped an arm around Jin Zixuan’s shoulders and beamed.

Jin Guangyao’s jaw dropped again.

-

“Your son needs you,” Jiang Yanli said to Madame Jin. “Go.”

-

“Jin Ling,” Madame Jin said, looking down at the baby in her arms. A son, her grandson…a miracle. “Well. You’re – not what I expected.”

If her husband ever found out…

Well.

She’d just have to make sure he wouldn’t, now, wouldn’t she?

#mdzs #jin zixuan #jiang yanli #madame jin #yu ziyuan #my fic #my fics #the more things change #misaligned

[theminecraftbee]

okay i’m talking about this on discord with a friend but sometimes i think about empires!pearl and. her relationship with the first arc of empires. and her character in general. so consider this an analysis post about her i guess i don’t know how to write analysis.

the basic summary is that. her character has pretty simple motivations, from what i’ve seen (and to be clear, i think this is a very good and interesting thing about her character). she has two core tenants: she wants to help her friends, and she wants a fight. and that’s a pretty simple person, and she reads as really straightforward to me! which is why it’s really interesting when her pretty simple motivations come into conflict with each other.

(there’s a cut here because i ramble now.)

so, on that note: thinking about pearl’s friendship with sausage. i think a lot about how they built the arena for the arena fight together. about how she could SEE something was wrong with sausage - he visited her acting weird, then he came back insisting the first time never happened, then he talked like this arena was a trick to trap everyone? but she... didn’t know what to do about it. no one told her what was happening. she tried fighting him because that works for her and it might have just made things worse?

but he asks her for help and she... she tries. and the arena fight ALSO arguably just made everything worse but pearl outright states that part of her original goal there wasn’t just “fight xonorth again because it’s fun, and also maybe to knock a little sense into him” but “try to help sausage, because he asked her for help”. she tried her hardest to reach out to sausage but it just. it didn’t work.

but it did mean, later, he trusted her with his corrupted weapons for a time, until such a time came that she returned the scythe to him. and that they’re still friends. and that’s something that i’d think is important. but it’s also important to me that... pearl is one of the only people who tried. who continued to reach out. and it didn’t work but she tried and i have. SO MANY feelings about that. she did what she could. she did everything she could!

and that’s also interesting because... i think in another life, pearl and xonorth would have actually been friends? pearl is one of the only characters who didn’t react to xonorth with real fear. sometimes she’d get a little spooked but once she was used to something she mostly found xonorth fun. xonorth easily fulfilled something the others didn’t for her: she gets to have a fun fight! and during xonorth’s attack on her and during the arena fight, she seems to be, once again, legitimately reaching out to him? trying to be friendly? she even jokes about letting xonorth be a citizen of her empire.

pity, then, that xonorth proved to be absolutely evil. i still think about the timeline where pearl DOES manage to keep xonorth around somehow. instead, her friends ask her to come fight him. she states that she doesn’t know how to feel after the fight, and i believe it. it’s someone she could have been friends with, and that i think, left to her own devices, pearl would have kept around. but the fact that he hurt people outweighed the fact that she liked him. so, reluctantly, as the one person around who wasn’t particularly afraid, they brought her to help take him down.

and i think about that fight, too, because pearl wasn’t really told what was going on? she was told it was time to take xonorth down and that she needed to keep joey out of the fight but, once again, she didn’t have all the information. she was the one who HADN’T been at the elven library. she didn’t know the lore, she just knew it was time for the fight to go down and that she was needed, and she showed up anyway.

pearl has simple motivations - she wants to help her friends, and she likes a good fight. and so even when she doesn’t have the full story, she’ll show up to help her friends, because that’s the kind of person she is. she tries. and even when it’s more complicated than her straightforward way of looking at things, she tries anyway.

and i just. i have a LOT of emotions about that.

so, now, we have a new conflict. a very interesting one to me, because that crown is a TRAP. it could not more clearly be a trap. and everyone wants it. and i just wonder... given what we saw of her in the first arc, mostly just enjoying herself but trying her best to help her friends... what will we get of her in this one? will we get a good fight for her? will her two core tenants have to come into more conflict than with the xonorth thing, where, despite the fact her wants came into conflict with her desire to help her friends, the answer was pretty obvious?

i don’t know! i think this crown conflict is a lot more ambiguous than xonorth was! and i’m just. i want to know where her character goes from here! because i love empires!pearl a lot and i just. i want more people to talk about her because she’s cool!

so yeah that’s my attempt at an analysis post because i’m feeling emotions in this chiles tonight how are y’all?

#empires smp #pearlescentmoon #empires smp analysis #i don't know if that's. a tag or not? #i don't know how to tag analysis posts so they get seen #anyway. LOVE EMPIRES PEARL OR DIE BY MY BLADE #I LOVE MY FARMER QUEEN

[astaroth1357]

Brothers React to a Demigod MC 

So, I've gotten some interest to do a Brothers follow-up to a previous request of mine (Undateables React to a Cute, Badass MC), however, I've thus far refused to write one. Honestly, this HC actually plays on a trope I personally dislike and had it not been a request I would have never done it to start with. I just can't see any reasonable way a non-magic human can beat a bunch of demons, I just can't, and that hinders my imagination quite a bit. …But someone who’s not so human? That I can get behind. Fair warning, I grew up with the Percy Jackson series so that’s going to paint quite a bit of how I see modern demigods. Ready for things to get super-ultra fanfic-y for a bit?

Intro:

The day to kidnap bring the exchange students to the Devildom has finally come and the demons have all gathered in the Council Room to open their portal to the human world. Really, things started without a hitch - the portal opened with and their future student dropped down out of it and landed on the floor… before they suddenly leapt up, pulled out a weapon, and lunged at them!

… This isn’t your normal human, it is?

Lucifer

Oh Devil, this couldn’t have been any farther than what they wanted… They were looking for a human and they managed to pull out a halfling! A divine halfling no less!! Why wasn’t this in their file?!

Look, Lucifer might not be on good terms with his father, but even he knows he had it better than any children of the pagan gods… The levels of petty vindictiveness that run through that bunch are literally the stuff of legends...

After he and Barbatos were able to restrain the MC before they hurt themselves or anyone else, Diavolo explained everything to them and gave them a pardon for attacking the Demon Prince on sight… After they identified themselves and their parentage, Lucifer knew they were in for some shit…

He and Diavolo had to iron out an apology letter to their godly parent for days just to keep from saying anything that could accidentally cause a second Troy or worse... It was a mess...

But on the bright side, the “human” came pre-prepared for fighting monsters and demons, which honestly took a bit of a load off his shoulders. That’s less responsibility for Mammon - and in his experience, the less responsibility Mammon has, the better things usually turn out.

… Though their ability to actually hold their own in a fight did make things complicated sometimes - like whenever he was their perceived opponent... 

He wasn’t expecting to have to manage a being that was actually capable of meeting him toe-to-toe on the battlefield and it did hinder his intimidation factor to some degree…It was hard to be threatening to someone who’s likely faced worse than you could ever offer.

In the end it probably worked out for the best, as a live exchange student is better for Diavolo than a dead one - but man did it get on his nerves until they made their pact together… Be scared of him, dammit!

Mammon

The first time he tried to threaten the human, they straight up pulled out a weapon and looked like they were ready to whip his ass!! Didn’t they know he wasn’t being serious?? 😫

He really didn’t know why he had to be on babysitting duty, anymore... This huma-er demigod could handle themselves just fine!

When he first ditched them with Levi, he later found out they managed to cleanly toss his brother over their head and make a break for it all by themselves! And Levi’s no pushover either!!

Later, he saw them getting ambushed on their way back from school and they soundly knocked out about five demons before he even caught up to them… and he’s, like, fast and stuff… 

Their strength is kind of unreal at times, but he could tell they were still far from a mindless killing machine. They were more or less a normal person, they had wants and dreams like anybody else, but they just happened to be a long stronger than the average mortals around them. 🤷‍♀️

After he eventually got to know them and a bit about how their life worked, he felt a little bad for them... Who wants to be hunted down just for being born?

After learning about their struggles, Mammon ended up resolving to help keep them safe (even if a part of him knew they didn’t need him that much).

I mean, if the whole world’s against you, then you can use all the help you can get... right?

Leviathan 

Levi found out exactly one thing about them within the first two minutes of meeting them… their reflexes were killer.

After Mammon ditched them on Day One, he tried to drag the human to his room to tell them his genius plan but they broke out of his grip and threw him flat on his back like was just second nature! 

He was stuck on the ground for a full minute, trying to process what just happened, while they ran off into the House all alone…

Did he just get tossed around… by a human?? Was he really that pathetic!?!

Finding out later that they were actually half-god certainly helped out his self-esteem because, man, if he had lost so easily to a human of all things... He might have just never left his room again…

Levi pretty much kept his distance from them until they finally made a pact together and then he discovered that the MC wasn’t so scary after all. If he’s being honest, being in the same house as a demigod was actually kind of cool...! 

Like, it was almost exactly the plot of the show: “Wait, I Thought I Was the Son of a Pagan God So What Am I Doing in a Christian Hell??” but their MC seemed to know a lot more about fighting than the protagonist of that show ever did…

Plus, because he never had to worry about their safety, he had even more excuse to never leave his room. Win-win!

Satan

A demigod, eh…? He had done plenty of research into human world mythologies in his spare time, frankly he thought the old gods had died out - but it seems they were still up and kicking… and making babies for whatever reason? Horny bastards...

Satan's original interest in the MC was purely academic. It’s not everyday that you get to meet someone of such a unique heritage and he fully intended to learn if all the legends about their greatness were true… and well...

He could say that the MC was certainly different than how he pictured humans being. He’d never met very many before, but from what he could gather they were a weak race that really got by on wit and persistence… However, nothing about the MC was weak.

Their aptitude for combat was surprisingly sharp, both in skill and reflexes. He had once blown up at them in anger and not only did they dodge his swipes but they got in a good few hits themselves with a nearby lamp… He never once thought a mortal could give him a black-eye but, somehow, they pulled it off. 🤷‍♀️

Combine their physical skill with what magical gifts were granted to them by their godly-half and they were a force to be reckoned with… Even Solomon seemed to hesitate and think more about his actions around them (which is saying something for a sorcerer of his strength).

It’d be fair to say a part of him grew to respect the MC long before they ever made their pact and that respect only grew afterwards. If he had to be bound to any master, human or otherwise, he’d rather it be one that he could right about consider an equal not only as a friend, but in strength as well.

Asmodeus 

A demigod…? Oooo, he hadn’t come across one of those since he bedded Aeneas all those centuries ago… Such a gorgeous man, got all his looks from his mother~! 🤭

Asmo was probably the most interested in their godly heritage, but it felt like he was treating them like a zoo exhibit for a while… Something pretty and new to look at, but not exactly someone he wanted to know personally...

He openly and readily admitted that watching their little demigod in action got him hot and bothered (or well, more hot and bothered than usual ) but it didn’t take him to see they weren’t interested at the time…

He decided that he just had to have a pact with them after they saved him from Henry 1.0! It was before he noticed the giant snake and he was lurching back to strike, but the human swept in to knock him out of the way. They probably could have made mince meat of the creature themselves if Levi weren’t begging for them to spare his former pet...

Post-pact Asmo treated them with a lot more respect… but also still fanboyed over their fighting skills hardcore. 

Like, their body had to be fit to keep up with all those monsters, right?? What was their training routine? Could he watch?? Oh please say he can watch!! He just can’t get enough of that fighter’s physique…! 😍

Beelzebub 

So… the human isn’t a human but only part human? And the other part is a god? Does that make them any sturdier than normal humans…? Call him curious…

Beel was probably one of the few brothers who was legitimately weary of the MC from the beginning… He can get a certain feel for a person pretty quickly and something about them just felt…frankly, kind of dangerous.

But they also intrigued him a little… Beel’s used to being one of the strongest demons in any room he walks into (not a boast, just a fact) so for him to get that feel from a mortal was pretty impressive. A part of him just wanted to test them… you know?

So. He did. He asked them to help him train his martial arts one day and even with his awareness, he was not expecting the results that he got.

The MC was strong. Very strong. They were not only able to keep up with him and dodge his blows, but they were able to predict his moves and counterattack in kind. They didn’t even need to tell him that they had actually been fighting for their life for years, he could tell. They had a skill you don’t get from practice matches...

After that point, the two would go to each other to train and keep their skills sharp… but also just to spar for fun. Their fighting styles made a pretty good match and they bonded pretty damn quick because of it. 

If anime tells us anything, when you find a good fight buddy, you stick with them. Even if one’s part god and the other is a demon. 🤷‍♀️ 

Belphegor 

A demigod is still human enough to hate, sorry MC. Not that he knew about their godly heritage at first…

Really, he should have been a little more suspicious of how easily they seemed to take to life in the Devildom... Weren’t demons supposed to scare humans? Why did they seem so comfortable down here...?

His confirmation only came when he tried to enact the final part of “Use the MC to Escape the Attic!” plan and take their life to seal the deal… but oh boy, was he outclassed real quick… 

The MC had already socked him in the jaw by the time he got his full demon form out and then they threw him across the room by the tail… the TAIL!! And it hurt like a bitch, too!! Even during the full blown fight that followed, he could tell they were holding back and it pissed him off something fierce...!

Why was the MC so strong?!? Humans weren’t supposed to be strong!!!

His brothers heard all the commotion and the Lilith confrontation ended up happening up in the attic between a somewhat beat-up Belphie and a barely-scratched MC. Had Beel not come to his defense on instinct, it might have turned out worse for him in all honesty… Something about that human just wasn’t right…

He only found out about their god-half after everything settled down and he promised not to try killing them again (not that anyone thought he could...) and that put some things into perspective. So the Lastborn Ruler of Hell isn’t as strong as one mortal demigod…? Ouch. Okay, fine then... Whatever...

He does think it’s too bad he missed them beating the crap out of the rest of his brothers, though (minus Beel)... That would have been fun to see. 😔

So I tried to keep this one God-parent neutral, but I’ve upgraded this to its own series! Check it out if you’re interested! 😊

Demigod MC Series: Intro, Aphrodite, Hermes

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #this was pretty fun #another for the fav list

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x9 thoughts

It’s no secret that I absolutely adore Coach Beard; he’s one of my favorite characters on the show, and he’s so well-written and well-acted that somehow I tend to be both perfectly satisfied with the details we see and truly curious to understand more about the way he thinks, what’s really happening re: his professional and personal devotion to Ted, where he comes from and where he’s going. I don’t need to know his name beyond the name he wants to be called, but I want to know why we don’t have any other names for him. And I don’t need him to be a bigger focal point of every episode, but I very much needed this episode’s world-exploding reminder that every single character on this show has a rich inner life, full of joys and troubles.

“Beard After Hours” is like a movie, but one that scatters its climaxes and puts off its resolutions...because it’s not a movie. It’s episode nine of a twelve-episode season of TV. When the episode ended, I felt this almost frantic “But he needed to break up with Jane for good before the end of the episode!” feeling. I was so pulled in by the idea of being able to tell an entire story in one night, of going on an odyssey alongside a complicated hero, that watching Beard and Jane find each other in that club felt as intense as the fact that we don’t know if Ted responded to Rebecca’s voicemail and we don’t know what’s going to happen with Rebecca and Sam and we don’t know who isn’t getting married and who is having a funeral in 2x10 (I mean, I have my strong suspicions, but still!) and we don’t know if Richmond will be promoted back to the Premier League. And on and on. I didn’t mind feeling desperate for the story to resolve even though I understood after thinking about it for ten seconds that of course it couldn’t resolve yet. Or ever. Or yet.

I’m a big fan of the TL episode recaps/reviews Linda Holmes writes for NPR, and I have to quote something from this week’s directly because it so perfectly explains my feelings:

The power of the scene where Beard dances in the club isn't that it's a beautiful romantic climax. It's that it's an explanation of why he cannot seem to extricate himself from this bad relationship. What makes the worst relationships so dangerous is that they have elements that feel good that are very hard to get elsewhere. Beard knows that; he tells it to God. What's concerning isn't that Jane makes the world seem more interesting; what's concerning is she's the only thing that does. That doesn't take away from the joy of the dancing; it just tells you that even happiness is complicated.

I love Holmes’ perspective here so much, because it articulates something I was struggling to figure out: how it can feel so legitimate, like such a (temporary but nonetheless powerful) relief, for Beard to find Jane in that club and to have this moment of euphoria as his night nears an end. How it is possible to experience that relief on behalf of a character while fervently wishing it could end differently, because it’s so clear from the abusive text messages and the toxic calls and the manipulative interactions that Jane is terrible to him and they’re terrible for each other. But Beard knows this. He knows it when he hugs Higgins in the parking lot after Higgins is honest with him in a way Ted and Rebecca and Keeley have not learned how to be, and he knows it when part of his prayer includes the clear articulation that Jane isn’t the cure for what “ails me.” He’s inching closer to greater self-knowledge just as Ted is.

And the two big resolutions that really, really needed to happen did. I didn’t know I needed Paul, Baz, and Jeremy to get to wrap up their own night out on the pitch at Nelson Road, but I did. It brought actual tears to my eyes. And the other resolution was Beard showing up with the other coaches’ coffees for their meeting to watch the game film. As interesting as it would have been to see what Ted would have done if Beard hadn’t shown up, I’m so, so glad that he did. He’s got a messed-up face and some truly epic pants on, but otherwise this is just Beard showing up for work, showing up for his friends. It was incredible to realize that Beard and Ted haven’t been exaggerating when they’ve referred to his sex-and-drug proclivities in the past. The night documented in 2x9 might have been particularly scary and violent and euphoric and awful and meaningful, but this type of all-night adventure isn’t a foreign concept for this guy. In all the other episodes of this show, when we see Beard we’re seeing someone who might have been out all night, who might have spent the hours the sun was down desperately pushing himself closer to whatever edges he could find.

I don’t really want to touch upon all the allusions in this episode. They are abundant, they are well-documented, and also I haven’t even seen the movie After Hours. I enjoyed this episode for its allusive qualities and I enjoyed this episode for what it was and I feel like I have to be at peace with the fact that I’m never going to pick up on every single reference on this show and that is okay.

So, yeah, if this entry on my tumblr dot com blog seems remarkably devoid of references and allusions, it’s not because I’m not into it but because I find it too overwhelming to actually write about.

Very into the Misplaced and Discovered box at the Crown and Anchor. (That’s what Mae wrote on the Lost and Found box at the pub, right? Whatever it is, it’s so funny.)

Beard hallucinating Thierry Henry and Gary Lineker was truly upsetting and a great indicator not only of how broken things are between the Richmond coaching staff right now but also how deep Beard’s self-loathing might go. If you’d asked me before Thursday if I thought Beard loathed himself, I would say no. That deepening of knowledge alone makes 2x9 worth it.

James Tartt and his friends in the alley. Such a nightmare. I go back and forth on how much of the night was real, and part of me has decided all of it is, short of the images of Henry and Lineker. (And even that is real to the extent that it was a way of articulating what was in Beard’s head.) But watching Beard in physical danger brought on by the same abuser who had him so upset in the first place. It was a lot.

I’m so excited that Paul and Jeremy and Baz got some spotlight this episode. It was so wonderful to see them out of the pub. I love that they ended up telling the Oxford snots who they really were. They got to see Beard going to bat for them and smoothing over the situation socially, and that actually made it more possible for them to end up being truthful about themselves. Because they have nothing to be ashamed of, and they deserved the magic of that night. (And for it to end on Nelson Road. Every feeling. Oof.)

I feel like I barely have anything to say about the trouser-mending lady or the many places Beard goes or his key-dropping or the nightmarish feeling of wanting to be home and being unable to be home. It all happened and we all watched it and again, it was a lot. But I do feel incredibly moved and fascinated by the fact that Beard very obviously still hasn’t been home when he brings in the coffee. He’s had to sleep at the club for Jane- and key-related reasons in the past, and this time it’s not that he’s slept there but it still feels like a kind of homecoming he was robbed of for the entire night. Ted and Roy and Nate are there. He’s gotten their coffee orders correct. Ted is growing and evolving (he wants to learn from what’s happened, he’s insisting upon it even when the others resist) but he’s done a really perfect (almost romantic in its loveliness) thing by presumably spending his evening following a breakdown of his own speeding up the game film to 10x speed and adding Benny Hill. Ted is not OK and Beard is not OK and Nate is not OK and Roy is pretty OK but could very easily be not OK because he’s just joined a coaching staff with a whole lot of not OK. But they all showed up.

I am very into the realism of the lights being off in the club other than the coaches’ office (@talldecafcappuccino pointed this out!), and the way we’re seeing their desks from a different angle because this episode is unfocused on Ted. It really added to the mindset of being hungover and exhausted and unable to go home or even to know exactly what home should be; even this warm, familiar place feels off even as it’s a relief to be back there.

I am excited to return to our regularly scheduled programming with the full cast of characters, but I really adored this episode for what it taught us about Beard and what it illuminated about the humor, pain, and complexity of each person who inhabits this universe. Beard may not be loud about his long-standing beliefs or about the things he’s learned, but there’s a lot happening in there and I appreciated getting to spend 43 minutes with him and (in the case of the ticket he scrawls on a piece of paper so the pub guys can get into Nelson Road) the moments he sets in motion.

#ted lasso #ted lasso s2 spoilers #ted lasso 2x9 #meta by me #a lesbian watches ted lasso #coach beard

[atlafan]

a/n: A couple of weeks ago I saw a post about ex’s to lovers, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So basically it’s a story about two people who ended things on a semi-good note, like nothing inherently bad happened between them, but they decided to break up. Sometimes people find their way back to each other, though. That’s what we have here. Harry is a tax attorney, a few years older than our MC, Blair Smith, who teaches jazzercise. (not proofread) PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU READ THIS AND LIKE IT, YALL WANTED ME TO KEEP POSTING FICS ON HERE, SO HERE YOU GO! PLEASE, IT TAKES TWO SECONDS! Check out my patreon for other excursive content.

Warnings: angst, fluff, smut (sub!Harry????), mentions of death, a funeral

Words: 17.8K

Pairing: Harry x OC (Blair Smith)

When Blair Smith became a Physical Education major in college, she never thought that would lead her to leasing a dance studio, and teaching jazzercise. It took her until she was twenty-five to really get it all together. She wasn’t mad about it, she actually enjoyed it more than she thought. She double minored in Dance and in Business Administration, she had never been so thankful to have overloaded herself in her life. She thought she would be teaching gym at the high school level, along with some health and nutrition classes, but when she did her practicum semester at a local high school near her college, she realized that working with younger students was not for her. None of them listened, none of them really wanted to be there, aside from the gym-class-heroes, and she couldn’t stand that the majority wouldn’t even change their clothes for class.

Blair wanted to make her own rules. Luckily, after presenting a well-thought-out business plan to her parents, she was able to get them to co-sign for a loan from the bank to lease a dance studio. She named her studio Just Dance because she offered different types and levels of jazzercise. Some involved use of weights, some involved a little more high intensity, and some involved a little yoga. She was grateful for the couple of marketing classes she took because she was able to really build her brand. She had an Instagram, Facebook Page, and a website. She had an online way to sign up for memberships, and she had daily drop-in prices.

It was easier than she thought to build her clientele. She had a great spot in the city, and there was a small parking lot out back behind the building. Most of her friends from school signed up, and helped her advertise. It was open to men and women, as opposed to a lot of jazzercise places that only offered classes to women. Even though Blair couldn’t afford to hire a second instructor, she was managing things just fine. She offered two early morning sessions, one lunch hour session, and three evening sessions. So, she had plenty of time to relax, stretch, and not over work her muscles. She was strategic about class offerings as well. She gave herself Sundays and Fridays off, since those seemed to be the days with the least amount of people signed up. Monday through Thursday, and Saturday, she made sure to stagger her lessons. For example, Mondays and Wednesdays were weights and yoga infused classes, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays were the high intensity days. Going into her fourth year doing this, she had it down to a science to say the least.

Business was always really good in January and February, when people were making their New Year’s resolutions, and during the summer months when people were trying to feel better about being in their bathing suits. Blair always preached positivity and inner health as the most important things. It was an inclusive space, which is exactly what she wanted it to be.

She liked working for herself. If she needed to run errands between classes, she could. If she wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, she could. She didn’t have to answer to a single person. Her parents would sometimes ask questions, but mostly just to make sure Blair was making her loan payments on time. She had automatic withdrawals set up with the bank, so she didn’t even need to think about it. Yup, Blair had just about everything figured out, and she knew she was very lucky for that.

//

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Sullivan, we’ll get everything figured out for your son. Yes, he’s in very good hands with me. Alright, have a nice evening.” Harry hangs up his phone and sighs, rubbing at his temples to soothe the oncoming headache he could feel. It was another complicated trust fund case, but that was the job.

The Law Office of Styles and Associates was a tax attorney office. Harry specialized in cases that dealt with trusts, gifts, and various tax planning structures to reduce the burdens of income taxes and estate taxes, and he assisted in devising investment strategies. His undergraduate degree was in accounting, and he minored in pre-law. After that, he went to law school for three years and passed the bar. His father had been a tax attorney as well. Harry liked living the comfortable life he was able to live growing up thanks to his father, and he wanted the same for himself. Plus, he just enjoyed crunching numbers for people, so it was a win-win. Making nearly $150K a year wasn’t too shabby either.

“Hey, H, you ready to go?” John comes into Harry’s office.

“Yeah, just finished up for the day.” Harry stands up, puts his suit jacket back on, grabs his brief case, and heads out. “Kate, feel free to head home, I’m done for the day.” He tells his secretary on his way out.

“Thank you, Mr. Styles, have a nice weekend.” She smiles at him.

“Same to you.” He nods and keeps walking with John. “I feel terrible, she’s pregnant, you know? Her feet are the size of melons by the end of the day.”

“When’s her maternity leave start?” John asks as they enter the elevator.

“Not for a while, she’s only seven months along. She’s been trying to train some college intern to take her place while she’s gone, but no one’s as good as Kate.” Harry rolls her eyes. “Oh well, I’m happy for her. Her and husband have been trying to get pregnant for a while.”

Harry and John make their way to a bar downtown, one of their usual Friday evening spots. They usually met up with some of their other law-school buddies. It was also a great way to blow off steam from the week. Sometimes Harry would end up pulling a 60-hour week, so he thought he deserved to cut loose, and have a little fun with his friends. Maybe meet a pretty girl he could take back to her place and have a whole different kind of fun with her. Harry was a phenomenal attorney, but when it came to his personal life, well, if you looked up the definition of a playboy, his picture would be there. He fucked around, a lot, without a second thought. Actually, his only thought was to make sure he always had a condom. Harry never went bare back. The last thing he needed was someone claiming he was the father of their child, and suing him for child support. The only time he didn’t use a condom was when he was in a legitimate relationship a couple of years back.

He thought about her from time to time. He never met another girl like her, and there were times he really did miss her. The breakup wasn’t anything dramatic, the pair had just grown apart. Harry was in the process of taking over the practice for his father, and she…wasn’t quite ready to settle down. She wanted to work on her own career and make a name for herself. It hurt that she didn’t see him in her vision for the future, but he understood where she was coming from. She was a few years younger than him, and he didn’t want her to resent him for taking away her time to be young and have fun. So they ended it. Since her, he decided to have some fun himself with his friends.

//

Blair got the call right before her second morning class on Wednesday morning. She nearly collapsed on the floor in tears. Everyone rushed over to her. She had to cancel everything for the rest of the week, and her clients were more than understanding.

“How did it happen?” She asks her mother, Pam.

“He had a stroke, and…god, he just didn’t bounce back.” Pam uses a hankie to wipe her tears. “Most of everything should be all set, he was very specific, but…we’re going to need an attorney. Your father’s biggest fear is that his first wife would claim that she has a right to his pension, that she was promised money or something.”

“God, I hate her.” Blair grimaces. “All she’s ever cared about is making him miserable. She just wants money for her son. He’s not even Dad’s!”

“That’s why they got divorced! She cheated on him with his best friend and got knocked up. You can see how sticky this is going to get. I hate to ask, but…”

“I’ll go see him.” Blair sighs.

“I just think he might sympathize, maybe work the case pro bono. I’m not sure we could afford him otherwise.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mum, I’ll talk to him and figure it out. I’m not going to let Lora fuck everything up for you.”

//

Kate nearly choked on her water when she saw Blair walking towards her. She knew Harry had a meeting with a B. Smith. She should have known better.

“B-Blair, hi.” Kate says.

“Kate! Oh my goodness, you look incredible! You and Roger finally-“

“Yeah! I’m due in a couple more months.”

“That’s amazing, I’m so happy for you.” Blair smiles. “Um, I think I set up a meeting through an intern?”

“Yes.” Kate sighs. “I’m training her for when I go on maternity leave. Um, may I ask why you’re here to see Harry?”

“It’s strictly business. My…my father recently passed, and-“

“I’m so sorry.” Kate frowns. “He was always so nice.”

“Yeah, he was a good guy. Anyways, there’s a lot going on with his will and a trust he set up for my mom. Harry’s the only person I could think of when my mom said we’d need an attorney.”

“Of course.” Kate nods. “I’ll let him know you’re here.” Kate knocks on Harry’s door and opens it. “Mr. Styles?”

“Yes?”

“Your 2PM is here.”

“Ah, great.” Harry squints at his screen to check his calendar. “B. Smith? Why does that sound familiar?” He puckers his lips in thought.

“Um…it’s Blair.”

“Blair!” Harry stands up and bangs his knee in the process. “Why didn’t you tell me she was coming?!”

“I didn’t know! Maura answered when she called to set up the appointment.”

“Fuck.” Harry runs a hand through his hair. “How do I look? Is there anything in my teeth?”

“No, you’re fine. Just relax, I’m going to send her in.” Kate leaves his office and smiles at Blair. “He’s ready for you.”

“Thank you, Kate. We should catch up before the baby comes.”

“I’d like that. I miss going to your classes.”

Blair nods and goes into Harry’s office, closing the door behind her.

“Hi, Harry.”

“Hi.” He walks over to her, leaving about a foot of space between them. “To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you?” Her bottom lip trembles, and his smile fades. “What’s wrong?” He asks softly.

“M…my Dad died.” She says, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Oh, sweetheart.” He pulls her in for a hug so he can comfort her. “When’s the funeral? You know you could have just called me, you didn’t have to be so formal.”

“Actually, I did.” She sniffles and steps back from him. “I need an attorney, my mom and I do…only…we can’t really afford a good one.”

“Oh.” Harry nods. “Have a seat.” He gestures, and rounds his desk to sit back down in his own seat. “Is this about his ex-wife?”

“Unfortunately.” Blair rolls her eyes, and grabs a tissue off his desk. “My mom is scared she’s going to pull some fake paternity crap with her son, even though everyone knows he’s not my Dad’s. I think my mom just wants to be prepared for the inevitable shit storm Lora’s going to bring.”

“I don’t blame her.” Harry sighs and leans back in his chair. “I…haven’t taken a pro bono case yet this year. I could help that way.”

“Only if you really want to. I’m not asking for a handout, but I don’t trust anyone else to take care of me.” Blair blinks when she realizes what she’s said. “Us, I don’t trust anyone else to take care of us.”

“Right.” He leans forward. “I’d be happy to do it. Um, does your mom want to meet with me, or-“

“I think she’s sort of hoping I’ll take care of all the legal stuff. She’s grieving, you know?”

“So are you.” He frowns.

“You know me, I like to keep busy during these sorts of things. I can get a copy of the will, and the trust information over to you via email if that works, and then we can go from there?”

“Sure, yeah. My email’s still the same, um, and so is my phone number…”

“I still have your phone number.” She rolls her eyes.

“Then why didn’t you call me about this first? Why call and make an appointment?”

“I…I thought if I called…you’d think I was calling for something else.” She blushes. “I wanted you to know it was strictly business.”

“Blair, all you had to say was that your dad died. I could have been there for you. You live alone, all you do is work…your best friend is my cousin…do you and Riley even still talk?”

“Of course we do! Just because we broke up doesn’t mean that she and I did. I met you because of her, I was her friend first. It would be really shitty to stop talking to her because it didn’t work out with you.”

“Okay, Christ, calm down.” He shakes his head. “You’re as hot headed as ever, you know that?”

“I’m sorry, my father just died and I’m trying to keep it together!” Her eyes rim with tears again. “He’s never going to be able to walk down the aisle when I get married, he’s never going to meet his grandchildren, there are so many things…he was too young.” She sniffles.

“How did it happen?”

“He had a stroke, and didn’t recover.” She looks away.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I appreciate that, but that’s not going to being him back, so don’t be sorry. Just…help me with this.”

“I will, there’s no question about it.”

“Thank you, Harry.” She stands up. “I’ll email you.”

“Blair.” Harry stands up. “Look, if you need anything else, don’t be afraid to ask. If you need a friend…I’m here for you.”

“I have plenty of friends.” She sighs. “And no offense, but my friends don’t fuck a ton of women weekend after weekend and treat them like shit.” She smirks.

“I don’t do that.” His face flushes. “I just haven’t met someone I’ve really wanted to continue seeing, that’s all.”

“Harry.” Blair shakes her head as she chuckles. “Not that I ask, but Riley’s told me a few things. You two are close, and when she gets drunk she loves regaling me of your many escapades.”

“I’ll have to send her a very strongly worded text after you leave.” He rolls his eyes.

“Don’t get mad at her, it’s fine. I don’t really care.”

“You don’t?”

“No, why would I? It’s not me you’re fucking, so it doesn’t concern me.” She shrugs. “That’s the beauty of breaking up, Har, I don’t give a shit where you stick your dick at night.”

“Well, obviously you do if you won’t even let me be a friend to you, Blair.”

“I just…I don’t want us getting close again, alright? It’ll hurt when we end up parting way, and I don’t wanna go through that while also grieving my Dad. Can you understand that?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “Don’t worry, we’ll get this all sorted out.” He smiles at her.

“Thank you. I need to go. I told my mom I’d be over to help her pack some things up. She sort of just wants to rip the band aid and put his clothes away.”

“If you need any help at all with any heavy lifting, call me.”

“Harry.” Blair sighs.

“I’ve got that nice SUV, I can help move stuff, that’s all I’m saying.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll talk to you soon.” She says, and out the door she goes. Kate waits a moment before coming into Harry’s office.

“Scotch?” Kate asks.

“Scotch.” Harry nods, and Kate goes over to his credenza to take out his good crystal and liquor to pour him a small glass.

“You’ll get through this.” She lifts her water bottle to cheers with him, and he downs the brown liquid.

//

Blair was back at work the following week. She needed the distraction. Lora had been eerily quiet. Maybe she didn’t know that Blair’s father passed, but as soon as the obituary hit the papers, she was sure that witch would be out and about to cause some trouble. At the end of Blair’s last Thursday class, she heard the sound of dress shoes on the hard wood. She turns to see Harry.

“You know there’s not supposed to be outside shoes in here. I just mopped.” She puts her hands on her hips and huffs at him.

“Yeah, I’m well aware of the rules. I used to be your best customer, remember?” He smirks. “Anyways, I looked over all the documents, I thought you might like to go over everything with me before the funeral, in case she shows up to cause trouble, you’ll have all the facts.”

“I need to, like, go home and shower…today was an intensive day, I’m soaked.”

“Perfect, I’ve got dinner in the car. We can go there, eat, and go over the documents.” He smiles.

“You’re such a weasel.” She chuckles. “But I’m too tired to argue with you. What did you pick up to eat?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Nothing special.” He shrugs. “Just some dumpling curry from that Thai place we both like.”

“I take it back you’re not a weasel, you’re the devil.”

Harry drives over to Blair’s apartment. He didn’t have a key anymore so he had to wait for her. He follows her up to her apartment, and makes himself at home while she goes to take a shower. She hadn’t changed much, but he definitely noticed some different pictures on her bookshelves. They used to be littered with framed photos of them, and she had a ton of scrapbooks for the two of them, but those seemed to be missing now as well. He sighs while he plates up the food for the both of them, and opens up a bottle of wine while he waits. Blair comes out about ten minutes later with her hair wrapped up in a towel, and her long, plush, pink robe around her body. She sits down next to him at the island.

“Wine?” She questions, but picks up the glass to take a sip.

“It’s been a long day, to be honest with you. I’m gonna work from home to catch up on some sleep tomorrow since I don’t have any meetings.”

“You know I have Fridays off, we could have done this tomorrow.” She frowns.

“It’s okay, I figured you’d want everything now. The funeral’s Saturday, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Eat up, and then we can look at everything.”

“We can do both at the same time.”

“Does your nose still run like a leaky faucet when you eat spicy food?” He smirks, and she rolls her eyes. “That’s what I thought.”

“Thank you for picking this up.” She says as she takes a bite. “I haven’t had this in forever.”

“Me neither…I stopped going because I didn’t want to run into you there.”

“That’s why I stopped going. We should have divided up restaurants when we broke up.” She laughs, and takes another sip of wine. “Do you mind if I dry my hair when we’re done eating? I’ll get a-“

“You’ll get a headache if you don’t, I know the drill.” He takes a sip of his own wine, and eats a spoonful of rice.

“Stop remembering things about me.” She swats a hand at him.

“We were together for long enough, Blair, I can’t help it.”

“Yeah, well, quit throwing it in my face, okay? We’re not doing this to go for a stroll down memory lane.”

Harry knew he’d be waiting at least twenty minutes while Blair dried her hair. He walks around her living room, stretching his legs a bit. He was curious to see what she had filled her bookshelves with. There was a picture of her and Riley from their freshman year of college. Harry picks it up and smiles. Harry was in his first year of law-school when Riley and Blair were college freshmen. He didn’t meet Blair formally until their senior year, and he was in his first year working at his father’s firm. He was helping Riley move in after winter break, and Blair had already been there.

“Blair!” Riley exclaimed. “I missed you so much.” She threw her arms around her.

“I missed you too! I’m glad we both agreed to come back a week early.”

“Same here. This is my cousin, Harry. Harry, this is Blair.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Harry shook Blair’s hand.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Her mouth had run dry. They held eye contact for a beat too long. “You’re in law school, right?”

“I finished last year, I’m actually working now. I’m a tax attorney.” He explains. “It’s my dad’s business.”

“And it’s super boring.” Riley rolled her eyes. “Har, could you bring everything in for me? I have a meeting with my advisor that I need to get to. We’re going over my practicum stuff.”

“Sure thing. We’re still getting dinner later, right?”

“Mhm, I shouldn’t be too long. Blair, you don’t mind if Harry hangs here for a bit, do you? You’re also welcome to come to dinner with us.”

“Sure, I don’t have a problem with it.” She shrugged.

“You’re the best. See you in a little while!”

“Is there a lot of stuff? I can help.” Blair said to Harry.

“Not a lot, no. But…I’ve never been here before, so if you could just show me upstairs, that would be great.”

“Yeah.” She nodded.

Harry brought Riley’s suitcase in, and Blair led him upstairs. She showed him Riley’s room.

“Is yours similar?” He asked.

“My room? Um, no…it’s a little different.” She swallowed. “Do you wanna see?”

“I’d love to.” He grinned, and followed her down the hall to her room. “Riley’s told me a lot about you over the years, but she failed to mention how insanely gorgeous you are.” He leaned against her wall after she closed her door.

“Well, she failed to mention how hot her cousin is, but I suppose that would be a weird thing to say about a family member.” She smirked. “How old are you, exactly?’

“I’m about to turn twenty-six, what about you?”

“I’m almost twenty-two…in May.”

“Not a huge age difference.” He walked towards her.

“Not at all.” She looked up at him with big eyes.

“Want me to kiss you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, all done.” Blair says, coming out with her all dry and pretty. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing, just saw this old picture of you and Riley.”

“God, we were babies then.” Blair smiles at the photo. “We took that on the day we met at orientation.” She looks at him. “Wanna sit on the couch?”

“Sure.” Harry grabs his briefcase and takes out all of the documents he needed to go over with Blair. “So, as you can see, your father set up a trust for you that you’ll get access to a year after his passing. That’s pretty standard. Your mother has a different sum of money that she’ll be able to access much sooner. There’s absolutely nothing in his will about Lora or her son. Even if she tries to contest it, there’s nothing in here that would indicate he was hiding anything. I looked over their divorce settlement as well, she stopped getting alimony when she remarried. She literally has no case. You and your mum can take a breather.”

“Oh, what a relief! Thank you, Harry. She’ll be able to let herself relax for the first time in a while.”

“Are you going to take any more time off from work?”

“Well, I’m closed Saturday, and I’m off Sunday, and I’m closed Monday as well. Then I’ll be back to it Tuesday.”

“You’re only giving yourself a long weekend?” He frowns.

“Harry, I can’t afford to keep closing. I make enough with the memberships, but I won’t be making the extra I do from the walk-ins.”

“Look, if you need some money-“

“Don’t you dare.” She stands up. “I don’t want your money, Harry, I never have, and I never will. I’m not your goddamn sugar baby!”

“I never said you were!” He says, standing up.

“But you used to make me feel like that all the time! You were always paying for every little thing. You never let me pay for a single thing. It was like you had zero confidence in me, even though I was running a successful business!”

“You were just starting out! All I wanted to do was help you, make it a little easier for you. You’re the one that went to their parents for loan help when I would have done it in a heartbeat! You crushed me.”

“We weren’t even living together, and you were ready to drop that amount of money on me?! That would have been so weird!”

“We were both working odd hours, and we had only been together a few months at that point, moving in would have been weird! A loan is totally different, I would have been investing in something great.”

“Well, I didn’t need your investment! We were together for nearly three years, Harry, what’s your excuse for not living together after all that time, hm?”

“I would have felt guilty. I was never home, I didn’t want you waiting up for me. It was easier when I could just come here and crawl into bed with you after a long day. And you always had to get up so much earlier than me. I thought…I thought it was better that we weren’t living together. You had never lived alone before, I wanted you to enjoy the freedom.”

“Was that it, or did you just want to keep your own?” She huffs, crossing her arms. “You know what, this fight is useless, it doesn’t matter because it’s not going to solve a single fucking thing. Thank you for your help, I really do appreciate it, but now that I know everything’s fine, you can go. If I need anything else from you down the line, I’ll reach out. I’m sure Lora will make a stink, and therefore I’ll need an attorney. But it’s all professional, Harry.”

“You’ve made that plenty clear already, thanks.” Harry packs up his things, and Blair walks him to the door. They look at each other. He just sighs and heads out the door.

Blair would be lying if she said that she didn’t miss Harry. They had a really special bond that was hard to find with just any one. All they did that first day they met was kiss, have a passionate make out, but that was it. Blair didn’t want to go too far with him in case Riley wasn’t comfortable with it. But Riley was overjoyed when Harry asked if she would mind if he asked Blair out on a date. It was a whirlwind from there.

He took her on some of the nicest dates she had ever been on. Most guys would take her out for coffee, maybe a movie if they could scrape the money together, but Harry took Blair out to nice restaurants, and to the movies that had lux levels. Not to mention his condo, god, she loved his condo. He liked that she kept things simple. Crockpot dinners at her place, watching TV curled up in her little full-sized bed, and clipping coupons together on Sunday mornings. That was where they had sex for the first time, in her little bed after their fifth date. He told her he loved her for the first time on the top of a Farris Wheel during the spring carnival her campus held, and she wasted no time saying it back. After that, a deeper trust formed between the two of them. One that not a lot of people would understand. Harry didn’t quite understand it himself since he was usually the one who was a little more dominant in bed, but with Blair…well, needless to say after a long week of working cases, his favorite thing was to come home, find her in his bedroom with some lingerie on, and letting her tie him to the bed posts for a little while. It was a release he didn’t even really know he needed. And with her, having been a college student about ready to graduate and enter the real world, it felt like so many things were out of control. Harry gave her that control back.

Harry wonders if that’s why they breakup seemed so much harder on him than her. It seemed like Blair was able to let go so easily. Yes, he started fucking around afterwards, but he just couldn’t get that same high from anyone else, nor did he trust some random girl at a bar to do the things for him that Blair once did. Blair was just better at hiding her emotions. She missed Harry, she’s missed him for a long time now. She cried for weeks, feeling this undeniable ache in her heart without him around. But, she had her studio to throw herself into, a brand to keep building. It was the perfect distraction, and even though she missed Harry, she didn’t hate being single for the first time in a while. For three years, Harry had been like her security blanket. The way she looked at it, every kid eventually stops sleeping with their security blanket at some point. It was time to be independent.  

//

The funeral was a graveside service. It was cloudy, but there wasn’t rain, which was probably the only upside Blair could think of. She was there, sitting next to her mother, other family members in the row behind them. Her mother was holding Blair’s hand, but this is one the few times Blair wished someone was there for her. Just as the service was about to get started, someone sat down next to her. She looks to her right and sees Harry, dressed in black from head to toe. He doesn’t say anything, he just puts his arm around her, and rubs his shoulder. He gives Blair’s mom a soft smile before sitting back in his seat.

“Harry…you weren’t supposed to come until afterwards…” Blair says.

“I know.” He looks at her. “I just wanted to be here for you.”

Harry gave Blair his extra tissues while she cried during the service. He held her the entire time, and stayed back once it was over. Then, he offered to drive Blair and Pam back to Pam’s home. Neither of them were in any condition to drive. There were a lot of people that came back to the house afterwards. Blair was able to calm down a bit, but her mother was really taking it hard.

“We don’t have to do this today.” Harry says to Blair.

“No, we should just rip the band aid. Then she can just…” Blair’s eyes widen when she sees Lora walk through the door. “Oh, you miserable cunt.” She says.

“What?” Harry asks, confused.

“Not you, Lora’s here.” Blair storms over to her. “What are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too.” Lora smiles. “I’m here to grieve the loss of my first husband.”

“You weren’t at the funeral.”

“I didn’t want to upset anyone.” Lora shrugs. “So…have you read the will yet? I think I should be in on that.”

“Lora.” Pam says when she walks over. “Alright, let’s get this over with.” Pam sighs, and has everyone follow her down the hall to the guest bedroom. Harry takes out the paperwork.

“There’s been-“ He starts, but he’s cut off.

“I’m sorry, but how is it legal if her boyfriend is reading the will?” Lora asks.

“We’re not together anymore. We haven’t been for a while. He’s here as our attorney, that’s it.” Blair says.

“Anyways, been a trust set up for Blair a little down the road. Everything else, including the house, has been left to Pamela Smith. There is no mention of anyone else’s name.”

“That can’t be right.” Lora scoffs. “I was promised-“

“He would have never left you anything.” Pam says. “And I’m sick of dealing with you. He’s gone, he’s left you nothing, you have no ties to us now. It’s clear as day that Derek is not his. He owed you absolutely nothing, you gold digging bitch.” Pam steps closer to Lora. “Now, get out of my house before I have you removed. I buried my husband today, I am in no mood to be fucked with.”

“Fine.” Lora says, turns on her heel and leaves.

“Way to go, Mum.” Blair gives her a high five. “I thought she’d put up more of a fight than that.”

“With your father maybe, but not with me. I’ve ripped her cheap extensions out more than once, and she knows I’ll do it again.” She takes take a deep breath. “I think I’m about ready to be done for the day. I need to lay down.”

“Do you want me to stay tonight?” Blair asks her.

“No, honey, thank you. Auntie Fay is staying, I’ll be alright.” She looks at Harry. “Harry, I can’t thank you enough for helping with all of this.”

“Don’t mention it. If there’s anything else I can do, anything at all, don’t be afraid to ask.”

“Drive Blair home.”

“Mum.”

Pam raises her hands in defense and leaves the room.

“I can drive you back if you want. I took an uber out here as it was.” Harry says, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You’ve done enough for me today, it’s alright…I can make it back on my own. Riley’s flying back in from Chicago tomorrow and we’re gonna have a girl’s day, so-“

“Blair, I still have your keys in my pocket, I’m driving you.”

“I don’t need you to swoop in here and act like superman, Harry.” Her bottom lip trembles. “I know my dad’s not around to do it anymore, but-“

“Hey.” He takes her in his arms. “I wish I could take it all away, I really do. I wish you weren’t going through all of this, baby.”

“Harry.” She sighs heavily into his chest.

“Sorry.” He rests his chin on the top of her head. “Some habits are hard to break I guess.”

“Have you called anyone else baby in the last year?” She nuzzles in close to him.

“No.” He tilts her chin up to look at him. “I never could.”

“Okay, you can drive me home.” She sighs. “I’m about ready to pass out as it is.”

Blair takes a few minutes to say goodbye to the people still at the house before her and Harry get into her car. He keeps the music volume low, and her eyes start to droop. Harry can’t help but feel soft and warm knowing she was so easily able to fall asleep with him there still. She’d always fall asleep on long car rides.

“Blair.” Harry says, trying to wake her up. “We’re at your place, love.” She groans at him, and he sighs. “Are you really going to make me carry you up?” She groans again and he rolls his eyes. Blair would always pretend to be asleep so Harry would carry her inside. He unbuckles her, gets out, and opens her door to lift her out. “You’re killing me.” He grunts as he carries her to the front door. He keys in, and carries her up the stairs to her door. “I know you’re awake.” He says as he brings her to her bedroom.

“Mm, but you’re so strong and warm.” She mumbles.

“Okay.” He chuckles and lays her on her bed. “Are your pj’s still in the third drawer of your dresser.”

“Harry.” She sits up. “You don’t have to do all that…”

“I was just gonna grab you a shirt and get out of your hair.” He says innocently.

“God, I’m so confused.” She pinches the bridge of her nose.

“About what?” He grabs a bed shirt for her, and sits on the edge of her bed.

“I think I’m just feeling vulnerable, I don’t know.” She looks away from him. “I don’t want you to go.” She mutters, and then looks at him. “But I also don’t want to get your hopes up.”

��If you need me to stay as a friend, I can do that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’d never leave you like this.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I was just gonna pretend to leave, and then crash on your couch.”

“Well, you don’t have to do that. Got a queen sized bed now, plenty of room.”

“I can see that.” He smiles. “There was nothing wrong with your old bed. It was kinda fun when we were practically sleeping on top of each other.”

“Yeah, but your bed was better for…well…never mind.” She clears her throat. “Um, I still have some of your old pajama pants in my drawer, you can wear those if you want.”

“I’m good with just boxers if that’s alright with you.”

“Oh, um sure.” She gets off the bed to stand up. “I’m just gonna go wash up and change.”

Harry nods and gets undressed. He goes over to her bathroom door to wait his turn. Blair’s eyes widen when she sees him standing there in his underwear.

“You don’t have a spare toothbrush, do you?”

“Um, you can use one of the extra heads I have for my electric brush.”

“Thanks.” He steps into the bathroom as she leaves to go back to her bedroom.

“Oh my god.” She says to herself. He had beefed up a bit. Harry was already sort of beefy, but he used to be leaner. Had he been getting a lot of protein? She shakes her head as she crawls into bed. Harry comes in shortly after and gets in on the other side. She turns her head to look at him. “Thank you, Harry.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” He looks at her. “I’d be a pretty shitty person to leave you in a time like this.”

“Yeah, but you could be catching tail at some bar with your friends.” She smirks at him.

“You make me sound like I’m promiscuous or something.” He chuckles and turns fully on his side towards her. She does the same. “It’s a stress reliever, and I always wrap it up. M’not doing anything wrong.”

“Do you, um, do what we used to do with any of these hookups?”

“No.” He smirks. “No, I don’t think I could ever trust someone in that way again even if I tried.” He chews his bottom lip. “What about you?”

“Harry, to be honest with you…I haven’t slept with anyone since we broke up.”

“Blair, that was a year ago.”

“I’m well aware.” She rolls her eyes.

“That’s a long fucking dry spell.”

“It’s not a dry spell, it’s a personal choice. I threw myself into the studio, I worked on choreographing a ton of new dances. I was building my brand, bringing in more clientele. Plus…anytime I’d use a dating app or go out with Riley to a bar…no one was ever you.”

“I know things seemed mutual and we didn’t end in some big blow up…but I was so hurt that we couldn’t make things work.” He reaches to tuck some hair behind her ear. “I thought we were going to be together forever.”

“So did I…but I don’t know if I was ready for something so long-term yet, which I know sounds stupid because three years is a long time to be with someone.”

“It’s not stupid. I would have felt the same at that age. It was sort of selfish of me to try to lock you down the way I was.”

“You weren’t being selfish for wanting to be with me, Harry.”

“You know, the last thing I expected when I helped Riley move in that semester was falling in love with her roommate. You just looked so cute that day.”

“You remember how I looked when we first met?”

“How could I forget? You were wearing these sweater leggings that had snow flakes on them, and you were wearing this oversized sweater that was hanging off your shoulder, and you kept trying to tug it back on. You seemed so flustered around me.”

“I was.” She laughs. “I thought for sure you just wanted to fuck me and then leave with the way you pushed me up against the wall when you kissed me.”

“Yeah, you nearly shit yourself at dinner afterwards. Poor Riley had no idea I frenched you for a solid thirty minutes.”

“My lips were so swollen, she had to have known. I was more in shock when you came by a week later to ask me out. God, you were so cute, you were waiting outside my apartment with hot apple cider, and I had such a shit day at my practicum. I was in dingy sweats too, and you still told me I looked beautiful.”

“And I meant it.”

“Then you said I looked tired, and right before I went off on you, you pulled me inside and said that you were going to make me dinner so I could go upstairs and take a long hot shower.”

“Mhm, made you spaghetti and meatballs.”

“And that really yummy homemade garlic bread.” She smiles.

“Then we cuddled up and watched Ratatouille.” He chuckles.

“I was so mad that you had never seen it! And then you ended up loving it.”

“It’s a great movie, honestly.” He says, smiling at her. “Best first date ever.”

“Yeah, it was. When I went to sleep that night I couldn’t believe that a real man wanted to be with me. I don’t think any of the guys I dated in college knew how to cook.”

“Pretty sure I did a good job making you forget about any other guy you had ever been with.” He smirks, and she nudges his shoulder.

“Maybe…maybe when I’m in a better mindset…we could talk about…I mean…I’ve been thinking about you a lot ever since we started talking again, sorry, I’m rambling.” She sighs. “I don’t want you to think that I wanna give things another shot because you’ve been helping me and my mom, but it’s been hard not to think about it…especially after today.” She blinks away a few tears. “I wasn’t expecting you to come to the service. Riley felt awful that she couldn’t be there, and I felt so alone, even being with my mom. You’re so selfless.” She pouts at him.

“I would love to talk about potentially getting back together. I…I don’t think I realized how much I missed you until you walked into my office. I thought I was out having the time of my life, but I wasn’t. Nobody could ever compare to you.”

“I think I just need some time to make sure I’m not…I’m not just feeling this way because you’re being so sweet to me when no one else is.”

“Take all the time you need.” He strokes her cheek. “M’gonna turn over now. If you just so happen to feel like spooning me, I promise not to question it.”

“Please, snuggling sounds like the perfect medicine after today. Assume the position, Styles.”

He chuckles and rolls onto his other side. Blair slots a leg between his, and wraps her arm around his stomach. They both sigh, and wiggle closer to one another. Blair hadn’t felt peace like this in quite some time, and neither had Harry.

//

Blair woke up in a fog the next morning. Her eyes still felt puffy and swollen from crying, and even though the clock read 10AM, she felt like she could stay in bed for at least two more hours. She remembers Harry staying and falling asleep with her, but he wasn’t there next to her now. Where he laid was still warm, so he couldn’t have left too long ago. When she smells coffee, she wakes up a bit more. There was a coffee cup from Dunkin’ on her side table, along with a small bag that she knew had to be a coffee cake muffin. She sits up and sees a note next to the casual breakfast.

Had to rush off to the office this morning. Got a call that one of my major clients passed, and his family is already fighting over the money. Had to time to run out and get you brekkie though! I’ll call you later. – H

Blair pouts at the note, and takes a sip of her coffee, which had cooled down just enough for her to sip it without burning her tongue. She texts Harry a quick “thank you” before diving into her muffin. This was his signature “sorry for not being there when you wake up” breakfast treat. There had been many mornings Blair had woken up alone after spending the night with him. It wasn’t because Harry liked scooting out, he just usually got pulled away due to something work related, and he knew that Blair liked being able to sleep in when she could on the weekends, especially when she was still in school. She never minded because she knew he was busy. She used to just lounge around for an hour or so in his large bed before getting up and making it. Then she’d take an indulgent bath in his Jacuzzi-tub. He’d usually get back to her sometime in the afternoon, and they would snuggle up to watch a movie before he brought her back to her apartment. It worked for them.

There were plenty of times Blair had to scoot early as well. When she was doing her practicum, she needed to be at the high school no later than 7AM, which sucked because at the time she was a major night owl. It’s taken her years of discipline to get herself to fall asleep at a reasonable time so she wouldn’t be so groggy and grumpy in the morning. That was something that Harry helped with as well. He told her about this sleepy time playlist on Spotify that he would listen to on the nights he needed to go to bed early. Blair had told him she couldn’t afford the premium membership and she didn’t want to be jolted awake by ads. So what did Harry do? He bought the subscription plan that allowed for two people to be on it, helped her shift her account, and even though she protested, he insisted. The music sounded like something a masseuse would put on, and it always put her right to sleep. Harry was a genius, at least Blair thought so.

“How do you always have an answer for everything?” She had cried to him on a particularly stressful evening. It was after she graduated, and she had just gotten her business up and running. She felt overwhelmed and scared. “You always stay so calm, it’s like you don’t even care!”

“I just know that this’ll pass, baby. You just graduated from college, you’re going through a major life change. You’ve had the same routine all your life, and now it’s completely different. In a few months things won’t feel as scary.” He smiled at her, and wrapped his arms around her mid-section. “Went through the same thing myself not too long ago. I promise, it gets a lot better. Your early twenties fucking suck.”

“Yeah? How are things looking in the world of mid to late twenties?” She pouted up at him.

“Well,” he moved some hair away from her face, “I’ve got an incredible girlfriend who loves me, and I just so happen to love her, and I’m feeling settled in mt job, and I have a great place to live, and oh! Finally stopped having stress dreams about missing a big exam. Can’t complain too much.”

“I…I’m gonna be really busy at the studio. I have to choreograph all these dances, and start advertising, and-“

“Hey, I’ve got an idea.” He tugged her along down the hall to his home office.

“Harry, I’m not in the mood to fuck in your office…” She said, and Harry chuckled.

“As much as I love it when you let me bend you over my desk, that’s not what this is about.” He took her inside and took out a few sheets of blank paper and some pens. He sat down and pulled her into her lap. “Alright, this used to help me all the time when I was super stressed, still does, actually.” She watched as he drew three large circles, and wrote CHOREOGRAPHY in one, SOCIAL MEDIA, in another, and BUDGET

in the last. “Alright, so these are some rather large cookies, wouldn’t you say?” He looked up at her, and she looked down at him and nodded. “Okay, so what are some ways we can take little bites out of these?”

“Like a checklist for each?”

“Sort of, yeah.” He drew a few stems from each circle. “Almost like a backwards flow chart.”

“Is this what you do with your clients when they ask for financial advice?”

“Sometimes.” He nodded. “But more importantly, I want to help my girlfriend who is insanely frazzled. I hate when people try to be problem solvers…so hope you don’t think that’s what I’m trying to do…”

“No.” She shook her head. “This is great. I think if I have it all laid out in front of me…and can check certain things off…take smaller bites, like you said, I can handle things better.” She grabbed a pen and started writing, and making more stems, color coding a few of them. “My parents are gonna help cover the loan payments for the first year so I can save up, and start paying off my student loans.” She chewed her bottom lip. “And I can set aside some time in the mornings to do the social media stuff, and use the afternoons for choreography…evenings I can work on my website.”

“Just think of how sweet it’ll all taste by the time you finish.” He smiled up at her, and she leaned in to peck his lips.

“I love you, Harry, thank you.”

“I love you too, baby.” He kissed her again, ever so tenderly and soft. “Don’t let this stuff build up, you know you can talk to me about anything.”

“I just feel like my problems are so trivial, like, there are people that are starving, and I’m crying about being overwhelmed.”

“Your feelings are valid, don’t compare it to what someone else might be going through.”

“Do you think, um, could you just hold me for a bit?” It was so rare for Blair to be this vulnerable. Usually she was the one to hold Harry, but once in a while she just really needed him.

“Of course.” He shifted in his seat to cradle her to his chest. He was so warm and inviting, he always made Blair feel safe.

Blair sighs, and shakes herself from the memory. She couldn’t bask in the good times and act as if there weren’t also bad times. Although…there really weren’t that many bad times. She finishes up her muffin and gets out of bed. She grimaced when she saw herself in her bathroom mirror, and decided a long, hot shower would do her some good. She didn’t have the energy to wash her hair, so she grabs a scrunchie to put it up in a bun on the top of her head. As the warm water cascades over her body, she can’t help but continue to let her mind wander to other old memories.

“Harry! I told you I’d be five minutes.” Blair whispered to Harry as he entered the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and smirked. “Riley’s home! Just down the hall sleeping.” Harry pulled back the shower door, and walked into it with her. All he did was put a finger up to his lips.

“Then we’ll need to be quiet.” He whispered to her, ghosting his lips over hers.

“I…I’ve never had sex in the shower before. I always heard it wasn’t as cracked up as it looks in the movies.”

“That’s because people try too hard to do it full on.” He stepped into the water, getting his hair wet, and then moves her so she’s pressed up against the wall. He knelt in front of her, and looked up at her wet body. “Can I make you feel good, baby?”

“Y-yes.”

He grinned, and lifted one of her legs over his shoulder.

“Now, you need to stay quiet.” He pressed his lips to one of her hip bones, and kissed across her pelvis. “So, if it gets to be too much, just suck on your fingers or something, pull my hair, whatever you need to do.” She watched as his eyes darkened when he licked over her clit. His tongue moved to her slit and licked up. He moaned, letting his eyes flutter closed before looking back up at her. “You have no idea how fucking good you taste.”

“Blair!” Riley exclaims as she comes into the apartment. Blair’s taken from her thoughts just as she was whimpering out Harry’s name.

“I’m in the shower!” Blair yells back, and finishes cleaning herself up. She meets Riley out in the living room once she’s thrown some sweats on. “Hi.”

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there.” Riley wraps her arms around her friend.

“You couldn’t have known.” Blair hugs her back. “A month in Chicago, I can’t wait to hear all about it.” They let go of each other.

“Are you sure you wanna talk about all that?”

“Yeah, I need the distraction.”

“Alright. I brought coffee and doughnuts.” Riley smiles.

“Thank you, but I might save that for later. I had coffee and a muffin earlier…um, Harry spent the night last night.” Blair blushes as they both move to sit on the couch.

“Holy shit! Pleas don’t tell me you called him for a booty call.” Riley frowns.

“No, it was nothing like that. I told you he was helping with all of the legal stuff…he ended up coming to the funeral unannounced. He was there for me…he drove me home and I asked him to stay. We just slept, and he was gone before I woke up because of a work thing.”

“Ah, and he brought you the old comfort breakfast to make up for it.” Riley shakes her head. “Well, I’m glad he was there for you. I always hoped you would become friends at some point after you broke up.”

“I don’t think I realized how much I missed him. I’ve been so independent for the last year, it felt kind of nice to lean on him for a change.”

“Do you think you wanna get back together?”

“I don’t know…I was definitely feeling something yesterday, even this morning, but I don’t know if it’s because I’m just sad and vulnerable, or if it’s because I really wanna give it a second go. I don’t really know what would be different this time. He still works crazy hours, and-“

“He’s dialed back a lot.” Riley cuts him off. “Ever since he’s taken over, and once he really got settled into it, he hasn’t been working himself to the bone like he was. Are there still some sixty-hour weeks? Sometimes, but not like he was, I swear.”

“He didn’t seem to think we still spoke…so that made me think you weren’t as close with him…”

“I don’t hang out with him as much…I speak with his friend John quite a bit, though.” Riley blushes.

“Speak to or fuck?” Blair smirks.

“Don’t. If Harry knew I was messing around with one of his boys, god, I don’t even wanna think about it.”

“Oh, so he can go out with your friend, but you can’t go out with his?”

“John and I aren’t going out. We just…meet up to fuck sometimes, but we both still hookup with other people. I mean, I’m sure he slept with his share of people while I was away.”

“Did you?”

“There were a couple of people I let take me back to my hotel, yeah.” Riley nods. “Don’t say anything to Harry, okay?”

“Christ, I’m not his best friend all of a sudden. I think I was just emotional last night. I doubt we’ll even-“

There’s a jingle of keys, and then Harry’s entering the apartment. He freezes when he sees Riley.

“Hey! You’re back.” He smiles at his cousin. “How was Chicago?”

“Windy.” Riley says. “But fun, I made a ton of sales.”

“That’s great.” Harry sets the keys on the kitchen counter and then comes further into the living area. “How are you this morning?” He asks Blair.

“I’m okay, um, thanks for breakfast.”

“Yeah, of course, sorry I had to skip out. Uh, I just came back to see how you were, but I can see your girl’s day has started, so I’ll head out.”

“You can stay, Har, we were just gonna paint our nails, nothing you haven’t done with us before.” Riley says. “You don’t mind, right, Blair?”

“S-sure, you can stay, Harry…if you want to.”

“I’d love to stay.” He comes over and sits down on Blair’s other side. “Nothing like giving you a Styles sandwich to make you feel better.” He smirks. “Alright, Riles, what colors did you bring?”

The three ended up having a great day together. It felt like old times. They painted their nails, ordered Chinese, and watched Mystic Pizza. Riley was starting to get tired, so she left around six. The jet lag was catching up with her. So it was just Harry and Blair sitting on the couch watching Wall-E.

“Do you remember the first time we watched this?” Harry asks her a few minutes in.

“Mhm.” Blair smiles without looking at him. “It was that weekend we went away Hampton Beach, and it rained in the evening, so instead of being annoyed, we got all cozy and watched this.”

“After…” He looks at her, a smirk growing on his face.

“Harry.” She rolls her eyes.

“Come on, what did we do just before settling in to watch this adorable film?”

Blair sighs, but gives in, “We made hot fudge sundaes, and, um, I let you lay me on the counter and lick chocolate sauce and whipped cream off my body.” She swallows. “Then I did the same to you. We made a mess of the Air BnB.”

“We cleaned it up. Then we got into that big, comfy bed and just vegged out. Think this is one of my favorite Pixar films that you showed me.”

“You really liked Cars too.” Blair chuckles.

“Yeah, I did. That was a good one.” Harry leans back on the couch, crossing his arms behind his head.

“You don’t need to do this, you know?”

“Do what, love?” He says without looking at her, eyes focused on the screen.

“Babysit me.” She mutters.

“S’not what I’m doing.” He scoffs. “I’m enjoying spending time with you, Blair.” He looks at her. “And I’m worried about you, but I’m not babysitting you.” He puts his hand on her knee and gives it a squeeze before taking it away. “Just relax, yeah?”

“Thanks.” She pauses for a moment. “Harry…would you be taking care of me like this if you had a new girlfriend?” Her eyes start to well up with tears. “Because-“

“Why are you asking a what if like that?” He reaches to wipe her tears with his thumbs. “At the risk of sounding totally lame…I was sort of just waiting on you. Sort of hoping you’d wanna get back together at some point. I tried dating, but it’s like I told you…no one was ever you.”

“So you just kept fucking strangers?” She was so confused.

“It was all meaningless. I figured if you were out there living your life, then I should do the same.” He shrugs.

“Harry, I know you think we broke up because you thought I needed time to be young or whatever, but I wasn’t out there fucking a ton of different people. I just…I don’t know, I wanted to be on my own.”

“And I understood that, as much as it upset me. What was I going to do, beg you to stay my girlfriend?” He moves a bit closer to her. “If we were to get back together, what would you want to be different? Obviously things stopped working…”

“It’s not that they stopped working, I just…I think I just grew up a little bit. You gave me plenty of room for it, but I just sort of realized that there were other things I wanted to do and I didn’t wanna be totally tied down. If we were to get back together, I wouldn’t want you paying for things all the time, or thinking you need to fix all of my problems. Sometimes I just want someone to listen without making suggestions, you know?”

“I didn’t even realize I was doing that.” He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I know you always meant well, and you were just trying to help in your own way.” She gives him a reassuring smile. “It didn’t always bother me, but sometimes it did. I wasn’t perfect either, I know how closed off I could get.” She furrows her brows. “I’ve been trying to work on that. I added the yoga into my routines…so that’s been helping. You sort of inspired that.”

“I should start my membership back up.”

“Yeah…it would be nice to see you in class again.”

“Remember when I started coming on Tuesday evenings, and then we’d go to the Thai place for dinner afterwards?”

“Mhm, and then you’d take us back to your place, and set up a bath for us.” She sighs dreamily. “And then you’d massage my calves for me, ugh, I always loved that.”

“Couldn’t have my baby being sore the next morning, could I?” He pouts playfully at her, and she giggles.

“You were always so good to me.” Her face was only a few inches from his now.

“Fucking worshiped you.” His lips ghost over hers, and she whimpers.

“Kiss me, Harry.”

His lips slot over hers immediately, and cups her cheeks to pull her even closer. He sucks on her bottom lip, and she whimpers again. Blair tugs on Harry’s shirt, and then pushes his back to the couch. She moves to straddle him, and he wraps his arms around her body. They’re both grabbing at different parts of one another, and she shifts so she’s only straddling one of his thighs, rolling her hips down onto it. Harry groans, and starts kissing on her neck. She gets a fist full of his hair, and yanks his head back.

“Harry, I don’t think this is a good idea.” She admits. “I mean…we haven’t agreed to anything. I think we should take this slow, don’t you?”

“You just told me to kiss you, and then you climbed into my lap.” He smirks, and she starts laughing.

“Yeah.” She grips his chin with her other hand. “You’re always good at doing exactly what I say.”

“Always.” He agrees. “If you’re not planning on having your way with me then you should get off. You’re only gonna rile me up, and I’ve not done anything to deserve that.”

“No, I suppose you deserve a reward instead of a punishment.” She presses her forehead to his and lets her hands fall to his shoulders. She sighs heavily and then looks at him again. “I need a little more time. I wanna make sure that this really makes sense. The last thing I wanna do is hurt you again.”

“I don’t want you to feel hurt either.” He squeezes her hips. “I wanna give you the time, Blair, but you’ve also had a year to sort your feelings. You either wanna do this or you don’t.”

“I really hate it when you’re right.” She huffs. “But I know what you’re saying.”

“How about this…why don’t we go out Saturday night? We could go on a date, and see how it feels.”

“Why not Friday?”

“Because you work early on Saturday mornings, darling, and you’re just going to be getting back to it again.” He tucks some hair behind her hear. “Can’t have you being sleepy.”

“You’re so sweet.” She smiles. “Okay, yeah, I’d like that. Um, did you want to just go out for dinner?”

“If that’s what you wanna do, baby. I’m down for whatever.”

“I haven’t been to that grill we used to go to all the time in forever. Feel like I could go for a really good burger.”

“Alright, we’ll go to Benson’s. I’ll pick you up around six, how’s that sound?”

“I think it sounds like a date.”

//

On Wednesday evening, much to Blair’s surprise, Harry walked into one of her evening classes with Riley. Riley had a cheeky smile on her face, and Blair just shook her head at the two of them. It had been ages since Harry had been to one of her classes, and he had picked a yoga day.

“Good evening, everyone!” Blair says once everyone gets there. “We’re gonna start off with our warm up, and then get in to it. We’ll work a little with the weights, and then we’ll cool down with the yoga like always. Does everyone have their weights?” She hears a collective yes. “Alright!” She hops up onto the small stage and gets the music playing.

When the class is over, a few people hang back to talk to Blair. Riley would usually grab a quick bite with her after class. A guy was talking to her now.

“Hey, who is that?” Harry asks Riley as they clean up their stations.

“Hm? Oh, that’s Rich, he has a thing for Blair.” Riley rolls her eyes. “He refuses to take a hint. The second he found out she was single he was all over her. She’s nice to him, but she doesn’t like him back.”

Harry narrows his eyes, and reads Blair’s body language like a book. Her arms were crossed, and she was casually trying to step away from Rich.

“I’ll get him to leave her alone.” Harry says.

“Harry, don’t.” Riley grabs his wrist. “She can handle herself.”

“I know she can, but she looks so uncomfortable. What if they were left alone here, and he tried something. He needs to know she has some backup.” Harry walks over to the two, and Blair can’t help but smirk because she knows exactly why Harry’s walking over. “Hey, sorry to interrupt, but we should get going if we want to make trivia night.”

“Right! Yeah, sorry, Rich, I need to get the studio cleaned up so I can head out.” Blair was thankful. Harry was always good at coming up with excuses for them to leave places early. Usually it was because he needed to get her home so she could fuck him, obviously now that wasn’t the case.

“Oh…alright, well, I’ll see you next week. Have a good night.” Rich looks Harry up and down before leaving.

“Thank you.” Blair sighs. “He’s a nice guy, but I’m not interested.”

“Obviously.” Harry scoffs. “Have fun with Riley.”

“You don’t wanna come with?”

“Nah, I need to get home. I have some stuff I need to do before tomorrow. Still on for Saturday?”

“Mhm.” She nods with a smile.

“Good.” He kisses her cheek. “I’ll call you Friday.”

Harry leaves and Riley helps Blair cleanup before they head out to a Panera for dinner.

“So, you two are going out on Saturday?” Riley asks her when they sit down with their food.

“Yeah, it’s sort of like a first date. I wanna make sure things feel really right with us. I have a feeling we’ll get back together officially, though.”

“Yeah? What makes you think that?” Riley smirks.

“Well…we kissed on Sunday night when he was still over. It was a really good kiss too, it was familiar, but there was still that, like, passion, you know?”

“I would love it if you got back together. I never really liked the other people he dated, and I was so excited when you both got together. He’s like the brother I never had, and I want him with someone that really cares about him. I never doubted that with you. You guys got together at a weird time in your life where you were sort of at different places. Now…well, now you might mesh better. You grew up a lot during the time you were together, I know that was tough on you both.”

“Yeah, it was.” Blair sighs, and bites into her piece of bread. “I feel like I could handle things better now. He’s been there for me during so many tough times, he’s seen me…at my absolute worst, and still loved me through all of it. I can’t wrap my head around him turning into such a playboy.”

“I couldn’t believe it myself, but I honestly don’t think he really knew how to deal with not having you around, and then…I don’t know.” Riley shakes her head. “He always wrapped it up, that’s what John told me, anyways.”

“He mentioned that to me too.” Blair rolls her eyes. “I’m not going to hold anything against him, we weren’t together. I don’t have the right to judge him about it.”

“He only wanted you, B.” Riley smiles.

“I really have missed him.” Blair smiles. “I’m really looking forward to going out with him Saturday night.” She bites her bottom lip. “Wanna come with me to Victoria’s Secret during the day? I think I should pick out something new…”

“Yeah! I’ve got a coupon to go there, actually. I need some new undies.”

“Oh, yay! We haven’t been shopping in forever.”

“I know! I hope I’m not on the road for an entire month like that again. It got old real quick.”

//

On Friday, Harry was in his office wrapping some things up, going over some paperwork. Then he looked over his calendar for Monday, just to see what meetings he had, and if he needed to do anything over the weekend.

“Mr. Styles?” Kiley, the intern training with Kate comes into his office.

“Miss Stewart, what can I do you for?” He asks, giving her his full attention. She pouts slightly at him.

“You can just call me Kiley…you call Kate by her first name.”

“I’ve known Kate for quite some time, Miss Stewart.”

“Well, we’ll get to know each other pretty well once she’s on maternity…right?”

“Most likely.” He nods. “Did you need something?”

“Yes, sorry.” She pulls a paper out of her bag. “Um, I just need you to sign off on the hours I worked this week since Kate left early. I forgot to ask her before she stepped out for her doctor’s appointment.”

“Oh, sure.” He gestures for the paper. “They’re really on you guys about the hours, huh?”

“Yeah.” She sighs. “I don’t mind, though, because I have to write a paper explaining what I did, so having an account of that will be helpful.” She shrugs. Harry hums his response as he signs the paper and hands it back to her. “Thank you…any fun plans for the weekend?”

“Just laying low tonight. I’ve got a date tomorrow, though.” He smiles.

“Oh! That’s nice.” She smiles. “Did you just meet someone?”

“No.” He shakes his head with a chuckle. “Might be starting over with my ex, which I’m pretty excited about since I’m still hopelessly in love with her.”

“Well in that case, I hope it goes super well.” She beams at him.

“Thank you, Kiley.” Her smile widens at him even more. “Feel free to head out, enjoy your weekend.”

“Thank you, Mr. Styles. I expect a full report of your date on Monday morning.”

Harry chuckles and nods as she leaves. Just when he thought his door was going to close, John enters.

“Wrap it buddy boy, we gotta meet the guys soon.”

“About that…I’m going to skip out on tonight.”

“Seriously? Why?” John frowns.

“I…I have a date tomorrow night with Blair, and-“

“You can’t be serious.” John rolls his eyes and sits down. “Why would you even entertain the idea of getting back together with her?”

“Because she seems ready for a relationship again. I still love her, and I think she still loves me. There’s still a chemistry between us, physically, so we’re going to Benson’s for a burger tomorrow to see if everything else is still there.”

“So that means you can’t come out for guy’s night?”

“You know as well as I do that guy’s night never stays guy’s night. I don’t want to be tempted by anything that could fuck me over. Besides, it wouldn’t kill me to stay in for a change. There’s a book I’ve been meaning to get back to. I wouldn’t mind just taking it easy, you guys have a good time without me.” Harry smiles at his friend. “It’s nothing personal…”

“I know.” John sighs. “You’re just fun, that’s all…” John looks down at his phone and smirks.

“Maybe you’ll meet up with that girl you see on the regular. Seems like she just texted you.”

“Maybe she did.” John nods.

“How come you don’t just date her? I’ve watched you turn down other girls to go meet up with her a dozen times.”

“It’s a little complicated. She travels a lot for work, we’re both just looking for someone familiar to hookup with right now.”

“Guess that makes sense.” Harry shrugs. “You’re pretty busy yourself”

“Exactly, so when’s around I see her more, and when she’s gone, I see other people. She does the same. We’re pretty open about it.”

“Good.” Harry smiles. “Have a beer for me tonight, yeah?”

“Alright.” John sighs and stands up. “Have fun with Blair, I guess.”

“You could sound a little more enthused.”

“I’ll be enthused if she doesn’t string you along.”

“She never strung me along.” Harry shakes his head. “We were a great team.”

“Seems like you were always doing everything for her.”

“No, she did plenty for me.”

“Babe?! I picked up a pizza!” Blair shouted as she entered Harry’s place, putting her key in the bowl by the door. “Baby?!” He wasn’t in the kitchen like she thought he’d be. She set the pizza down on the counter and walked down the hall to his home office. Her jaw dropped when she saw him knuckling at his eyes. “Harry, are you crying?” She asked softly.

“Blair.” He said, almost surprised. “Hi, I lost track of time, I’m sorry. Let’s eat.” He stood up, but she went over to him and urged him to sit.

“What happened, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, baby.”

“It’s not nothing if you’re crying. Talk to me.”

“I’m just really stressed.” His voice cracked. “I was looking forward to taking over for my dad, but there’s so much other shit that’s been added to my plate that he didn’t really prepare me for. Now he’s down in Florida living it up with my mum, and I can’t even talk to him about it because I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. He’s trusting me with everything.”

“That’s a lot.” She wipes=d his tears away. “I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “Is…is there anything I can do to help? Anything I can do to help take your mind off things for a bit? I brought pizza…”

“Um…yeah, I think there is something you could do for me, but it doesn’t involve food.” He stood and took her hand, leading her out to the living room. They both sat down. “Sometimes when we’re having sex…I let you take the lead, have you noticed that?”

“A little.” She shrugged. “I mean, I like that you’re not super dominating, it makes me feel safe.”

“Right, but before you I wasn’t really like that. I was always in control, but with you…I feel really safe too. So safe…that I’m able to just let everything else slip away when we’re doing what we do.”

“What are you saying exactly?”

“I…I sometimes I think I want you to really be in control. I’m not saying all the time, but I have to be in control of so many things, and I think it would be nice to not.”

“Okay, so I could ride you more if you want.”

“Well, that would be nice.” He smirked. “But I’m talking more like…like maybe you could blindfold me once in a while, or you could cuff me to the bed?” His was flushed with embarrassment. Her eyes widened as she finally started to understand what he was trying to say. “I’ve totally freaked you out, haven’t I? I know that stuff isn’t for everyone. I was just thinking we’ve been together a while now-“

“Harry, calm down.” She smiled, squeezing his hand. “I think it’s kind of hot that you wanna explore some different things.”

“You do?”

“Mhm.” She nodded. “I…just don’t ask me to, like, whip you or anything. I don’t think I could hurt you.”

“No, I’m not looking for pain.” He chuckled. “I just…wanna clear my head sometimes, that’s all.”

“Okay, I think I could be into that. You know how much I love all your ties, I’d love to tie you up with them.” She grinned, and he groaned softly.

“What do you say we leave the pizza for later, and we head into the bedroom to explore a little bit?”

“I say we’re in for a fantastic weekend.”

“Whatever you say man.” John says. “See you Monday.” John leaves Harry’s office, and Harry sighs. He never told anyone about what he and Blair did, it was no one’s business. He certainly wasn’t going to let it slip now.

//

At around 10AM Saturday morning, Blair picked up Riley so they could go shopping. Riley had bags under her eyes, and a fresh hickey on her neck. Blair’s mouth fell open the second Riley got in the car.

“Don’t.” Riley mumbles.

“I didn’t say anything.” Blair chuckles.

“But I know what you’re thinking.”

“Did you meet up with John last night?”

“Yeah, I guess Harry didn’t feel like going out last night, so I met up with him at some bar, and then he came back with me to my place.”

“Oh shit, is still there?”

“No, he left at, like, seven.” Riley rolls her eyes. “But not before he fucked me again.” She shakes her head. “We’ve fucked so many times, I don’t know how he’s not sick of me yet, or how I’m not sick of him.”

“Maybe it’s a sign you two should be more.” Blair smirks.

“I mean, we’re basically just in an open relationship, that’s the way I look at it anyways.” She shrugs. “We were up most of the night.” She yawns loudly.

“You could have stayed home.” Blair frowns as she keeps her eyes on the road.

“No, it’s okay, I wanted to go shopping with you.”

The girls make their way to a Victoria’s Secret, and start shopping around. Just as Riley hoped, there was an underwear sale. Blair indulged in it as well. Nothing wrong with getting some new undies to replace some old ones.

“Oh, these are cute!” Blair says, holding up a cheeky pair of panties.

“Yeah! I’ve been way more into the lace cheeky bottoms instead of thongs lately.”

“Me too! It’s way more comfortable. To be honest, I wear boxers a lot around my apartment. They’re more breathable than athletic shorts, and they don’t ride up.”

“Of course men have more comfortable underwear than us.” Riley sighs heavily. “Oh! Look at these white ones! Can never have too many white pairs.”

“Snag me a pair, please.”

Once the girls are done picking out their underwear, and a couple of bras that were two $50 (yes, way overpriced, but necessary), they head to the part of the store where the lingerie was.

“What are you looking for exactly?” Riley asks as she looks over some babydoll nighties.

“I don’t know, nothing crazy, but if things go well tonight, which I think they will, I wanna surprise him with something fun.”

“You’d really jump into bed with him right away?” There was no judgement in Riley’s voice, more so surprise.

“I mean…I know he’s your cousin and all, but he’s pretty hard to resist, Riles. He had me wrapped around his finger from the second we met.”

“Fair enough.” Riley shrugs. “I might try one of these on…surprise John one of these nights.”

The girls giggle as they pick out different things. Blair ends up finding a black lace bralette and matching panties that she thinks will work well under an outfit. The only thing was the bralette didn’t have any support, like, at all, but she was able to adjust the straps on it a bit to give her a slight lift.

“God, I wish I danced as a kid.” Blair huffs as she leaves the dressing room to meet Riley out at the register line.

“Why?”

“Because then maybe I wouldn’t have these fucking honkers on my chest. I’d love to be able to wear a bralette without worrying. My boobs are so saggy, I look like a granny when I don’t have the proper support.”

“You’re being dramatic.” Riley chuckles.

“Easy for you to say, Miss B Cup.”

“Hey, I’d kill to have boobs like yours. I always feel like mine are too small. I have to wear pushups all the time. Besides, your boobs are not saggy, they just sit a little lower on your chest.”

“When I really started dancing I thought they’d get smaller since I was working out all the time, but nope. The worst part is, it’s all right here.” She lifts her arm slightly and rubs just under her armpit. “I’m only a C, but I feel like a double D sometimes when I put a bra on, it takes all the side boob to the front.” Blair puts her things up on the counter, and Riley goes to the next register.

“Find everything okay?” The girl behind the register asks.

“Mhm.” Blair smiles. “I have some coupons too.” She takes her phone out so the girl can scan the barcodes on Blair’s screen.

“Oh, that’s a good one! Took off 25% of your total.” The girl puts everything into a bag for Blair, and she heads out with Riley.

“So, when will John get to see that babydoll?” Blair smirks at Riley.

“When I feel like he deserves it.” Riley grins. “If he invites me over tonight, I might bring it with me.”

“Do you usually see him two nights in a row?”

“Sometimes, but not often. I think he missed me a little since I was gone for so long. Kinda missed him too. He told me he’d call me later today.” She shrugs.

The girls grab a quick lunch before heading home. Blair didn’t want to eat anything too heavy since she was going to be eating out for dinner, so she just had a salad. She spent some time doing some social media work for her business, and then spent some time putting a new dance together. Her customers had been asking for some more throwbacks, so she was crafting some choreography to a couple of Ricky Martin songs. They could be used for the high intensity days. She always recorded herself so she could go back later to review the steps.

When she was done she was drenched in sweat, so she hops into the shower to freshen up. She sort of ends up pampering herself a bit. She shaved her legs, so she massaged some lotion into them, and used some cocoa butter on her thighs because she liked the way it smelled. After that, she grabbed her electric razor to trip her bikini line, having exfoliated first in the shower, so she was plenty smooth where she wanted to be. She spritzes some perfume into the air and walks through it, then she gets to work on her hair. She had been sporting a shoulder length look lately. Her hair used to be really long in college, but in recent years she had been keeping it a tad shorter. It was up in a braid or bun most days, but she decides to wear it down tonight. She puts on some makeup, and then goes through her closet to find something to wear over her new lingerie. She decides on a pair of black jeans that could easily be word with some booties. She pulls on a blush pink tank top and a tan cardigan to complete the look. You could just see the lace top of the bralette, and she sort of liked that look. Her phone goes off just as she’s putting some lipstick on.

“Hello?” She answers brightly.

“Hey, baby, I’m downstairs.”

“Okay, be down in a sec!” She throws some makeup remover wipes into her bag, and a spare toothbrush, then she heads out. Again, she didn’t quite know what would happen tonight, but she wanted to be prepared. Harry was standing outside his car. He smiles when he sees her.

“Hi.” He says, and opens the car door for her.

“Hi, thanks.” She smiles back and gets inside. They head towards Benson’s, being silent in the car at first. “How was your week?” She asks him.

“Good, had a pretty good workout Wednesday.” He grins, looking at her for a moment before looking back at the road. It makes Blair giggle. “Work wasn’t too stressful for a change, although I’m getting anxious about Kate going on maternity leave.”

“Is the intern no good?”

“No, she just doesn’t have a lot of experience. She’ll get the hang of it.” He shrugs. “How was your week, how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. I spoke with my mom last night, she’s doing alright. My aunt’s been staying with her, so that’s good.”

“Do you think she’ll sell the house?”

“Nah, she likes where she lives, but I think she’s going to paint and change a few things so it doesn’t feel like such a ghost town, you know?”

“Makes sense.” Harry nods. “I know I’ve offered a ton, but if she needs any help with anything, don’t be afraid to ask. I can hold my own with a paintbrush.”

“Thank you, Harry, that’s very sweet.” She gives his shoulder a squeeze. “It was really nice having you in class Wednesday.” She says shyly.

“Yeah? Would you be opposed if I started coming regularly again?”

“Not at all, I’d really like it, actually.” She smiles. “It…it made it easier to wait to see you tonight.” She blushes, and he reaches for one of her hands. He brings it to his lips to kiss her knuckles.

“You’re cute.” He tells her, resting their hands on the console, not letting go at all.

They get to Benson’s, and get seated in a booth. Harry hesitates for a moment, desperately wanting to sit next to her, but he thinks that might be too much too soon, so he sits across from her. She gives him a funny look.

“What?” He asks.

“Nothing…you’re just far away. You usually sit next to me.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to.”

“I want you to.” Harry smiles, stands back up, and slides in next to her. She hooks her arms around his and rests her cheek on his shoulder. “Much better.” She sighs. He kisses the top of her head, and a waitress comes over.

“Evening, folks, are you expecting anyone else?” She asks.

“No, love, it’s just us.” Harry says to her, squinting at her nametag. “Becky, is it?”

“Y-yes.” She clears her throat. “Can I get you started with any drinks or appetizers?”

“Definitely two waters.” Blair begins. “And I’ll have a vodka-tonic, please.”

“I’ll have the same.” Harry says. “Do you want an app?” He asks Blair.

“No, I think just the burger will be good.”

“Right, think we’re ready to order dinner.” Harry says to Becky.

“Great! What can I get you?”

“I’ll have the turkey burger with cheddar cheese and sautéed mushrooms.” Blair says.

“And I’ll have veggie burger with avocado.” Harry says.

“Sounds good, I’ll be right back with your drinks.” Becky says, taking their menus before walking away.

“Just a veggie burger?” Blair asks Harry.

“Yeah, I’ve been craving a good one lately, and they make the best here.”

“Very true.” She nods. Becky comes back over with the drinks, and sets them on the table. “So…do anything fun last night?”

“I stayed in.” Harry says, before taking a sip of his drink. “Got caught up on a book I’ve been reading, watched a little TV, nothing special.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t go out with your friends. Isn’t Friday usually your guy’s night?”

“Yeah, I just felt like skipping last night.” He shrugs. “What about you, what did you do?”

“I ran errands all day, and then went to bed early so I could get up for my early classes this morning. Then Riley and I went shopping, and then I did some work at my place. Got ready to go out with you.” She shrugs.

“What does Riley have to say about all this?”

“She’s happy that we’re entertaining the idea of getting back together.” Blair chuckles and sips her drink. “Did you tell anyone we were going out tonight?”

“Mentioned it to my intern…and to John. He wasn’t so enthused.” Harry rolls his eyes.

“He’s never liked me, and I literally have no idea why.”

“Think he was just jealous that I snagged someone as gorgeous and bright as you.” Harry grins. “You know, when we first got together a ton of people gave me shit because you were still in school.”

“I was in my last semester, and I was twenty-one, it wasn’t like I was a child.” Blair scoffs.

“That’s what I said! It wasn’t like I was looking for someone younger than me, it just happened.”

“We just clicked right away, nothing wrong with that.” She inches a little closer to him, her ankle hooking around his under the table.

“Not at all.” His lips graze over hers, but their food is brought over to the table before they can really kiss.

They both giggle and dig into their food, each moaning out at the taste. They continue to talk about things, catching each other on the last year that they weren’t in one another’s lives. It felt easy and natural.

“I don’t wanna be too forward, but would you like to come back to mine when we’re done?” Harry asks.

“I’d like that.” She nods. “Got any sweets at home?”

“Mhm, I’ve got those chewy chocolate chip cookies you like so much.”

“This night just keeps getting better and better.” She smiles. When the check comes, they both reach for it.

“Blair, let go of the check.”

“No, I wanna pay for dinner.”

“I insist, let me pay.”

“Harry, I don’t want you always paying for everything, come on.”

“Fine, can we at least split it?”

“Ugh, fine.” She slaps her card down and so does he.

“So fucking irritating when you do that.” He huffs.

“No, what’s irritating is that you think I can’t pay for stuff.”

“That’s not what this is! I just like paying for our dates, it’s gentlemanly.”

“Yeah, well, it makes me feel like shit.” Becky comes to grabs the cards, and tells them she’ll be right back. “I’m doing well for myself now, I want things to be more equal. I’m not with you for your money.”

“I know you’re not, baby…I just…I can’t help that I wanna spoil you rotten.” He presses his forehead to hers, and she sighs before pecking his lips quickly.

“There are plenty of other ways you can do that, Harry.”

“Am I gonna have the chance?” Becky comes back with their cards, and they both sign their slips before sliding out of the booth. She takes his hand in hers as they walk out.

“Yes.” She says as they both get into the car. “I…I think wanna see where this goes with you, babe. I feel like I’m really ready for you now…”

“That means the world to me, Blair.” Her bottom lip starts to quiver, and he frowns. “Hey, why are you crying?” He reaches to caress her cheek.

“I just can’t believe you basically were waiting for me all this time.” She sniffles. “I feel so shitty. And I feel even shittier because I’m jealous of all the other people you slept with that we weren’t together.”

“Baby.” Harry sighs. “I was so in love with you, still am, none of them meant anything. I’m sorry you feel hurt by it. You don’t need to worry about it now, though, I’m all yours.” Her hand grips the collar of his shirt and she tugs him close to her, only a few centimeters apart.

“Mine.” She says, eyes darkening before her lips crash against his. She nips and sucks at his bottom lip as his hands cup her cheeks, trying to get even closer.

“Fuck.” He breathes, putting his keys in the ignition. “Need to get you home.” He pulls onto the street, and zips them home. His hand grips her thigh the entire time, squeezing it occasionally.

“Thought of you last weekend in the shower.” She says, shifting on her side a little. “Thought of the first time we had sex in the shower.” Her breath is on his ear now, and she nibbles on his lobe.

“Blair.” He warns, but she keeps going, kissing on his neck.

“Made me feel so good, always make me feel good.”

“Blair, I’m going to crash the car, just sit patiently, please.” She sits back normally in her seat. “Thank you.” He sighs. “So, you really thought of me?”

“It was hard not to with you leaving me breakfast.” She pouts at him. “So sweet of you, and I haven’t had a chance to even reward you for being so good to me.”

“You’re still into all that?” He asks cautiously.

“Only for you…do you still like it?”

“Only if it’s you. I told you I didn’t do that with anyone else.”

“You still trust me enough?”

“Course I do, baby.” He reaches for her hand to intertwine their fingers. He drives a little faster to his place, and they finally reach it. “Gonna take care of you first, and then you can do me, alright?”

“Whatever you want, babe.”

They get up to his place, somehow keeping their hands to themselves in the elevator. Before she knows it, Harry’s slamming Blair against the wall of his front hallway, attacking her neck with his lips.

“Gonna mark you up.” He says as he sucks on her skin. “Then everyone will know you’re taken again.”

She whimpers as her response, and pushes his head further into her neck. She wiggles out of her cardigan, and wraps her arms around his neck.

“Jump.” He grunts into her ear, and she does so, wrapping her legs around his waist so he can carry her to his bedroom. He sets her down on the bed, letting her get her shoes off. He does the same before kneeing onto the bed. She takes her tank top off, and his mouth waters at the sight of the bralette. “Christ.” He breathes as he gropes her supple breasts. “Missed these.” He sucks on her nipple through the lace, and her head rolls back. He does the same to the other one, getting it nice and pebbled. One of his hands slides down between her legs and he whimpers. “Need to get these off you, that okay?”

“Mhm, yeah, please.”

He undoes her button and zipper, yanking the jeans off of her. His eyes widen when he sees the matching panties.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Blair. Are these new?”

“Yeah, bought them today, just for you.” She props herself up on her elbows. “Wouldn’t mind you taking them off, though.”

Harry nearly growls as he tugs them down her legs. His hands slide up and down her smooth skin, having missed the feeling of her skin on his. He spreads her legs apart, and starts leaving open mouthed kisses on her inner thighs, sucking some nasty bruises into them. Blair clutches at his blankets and grits her teeth while he has his fun marking her up.

“Can I?” He asks, looking up at her. “Can I taste you?”

“Yes, of course you can.” She reaches forward to push his hair back, and he smiles at her before licking up her slit.

He licks and sucks all around her folds before working his tongue around her clit, sucking on it briefly before bringing his thumb to it. He licks into her center, making her mewl as he essentially just makes out sloppily with the area.

“Yes, fuck.” Her hands rake through his hair. “Feels so good, Harry.” She grinds against his face, and he moans against her. “Harry, fingers, please, use your fingers.” She whines.

He lifts his head from her, and reaches his hand up to her so she can suck on his fingers. She does so happily, and then he slips two fingers inside her. She gasps and lets her body go slack against the bed.

“Baby, shit, you’re so fucking tight, does it hurt?”

“No, feels so god, m’so wet.”

“I know, you’re dripping.” He pulls his fingers out and sucks on them, moaning again before slipping them back inside to the knuckle.

“R-right there.” She whimpers. Her mouth was open, body writhing under his, having not been touched by another man in almost a year, her body was reacting on overdrive. Her back was arching, and she was pushing her head further into the mattress. “Harry, Harry!” She screams as she comes around his fingers, and he fucks her through it, sucking on her clit to prolong it. As she starts to come down he sits up, and starts taking his shirt off. “Fuck, I’m gonna give it to you so good.” She sits up and watches he takes his clothes off. She takes her bralette off, and tosses it on the floor.

“How do you want me?”

“That depends…um…what would you like me to do? Like, how…how hard do you wanna go tonight?”

“I wanna be able to touch you since it’s been so long, and I wanna be able to look at you.”

“Alright, so we can just keep it sweet and easy, save the rest for another time.”

“Yeah…work back up to it.”

“Get on your back, m’gonna ride you.”

Harry gets himself situated, sitting up against the headboard. Blair raises an eyebrow at him.

“Just wanna be as close as possible tonight, baby.”

“Okay.” She smiles, and gets herself on his lap.

“Are you still on the pill?”

“Mhm, are you okay to not use a condom?”

“Definitely don’t want to. Need feel you.”

“Need to feel you too.”

She grips his hard cock, giving it a few pumps before she guides it inside herself. Her mouth falls open as she feels him stretch her out. Harry looks down and watches as she swallows him whole. They both moan out once he’s full inside her. Her fingernails dig into his shoulders as she gets adjusted to him. His hands squeeze at her hips and ass.

“Shit, Harry.” She presses her forehead to his. “Missed you so much.”

“Missed you too.” He cups her cheeks and kisses her as she starts to slowly rock on and off him. His tongue slips into her mouth, and she grips at his back as she kisses him back. “You feel so fucking good.” He says before biting her bottom lip, sucking on it.

She whimpers and moves herself a little faster on him. She grinds herself against him, feeling the friction on her clit start to form. His arms wrap around her back, his fingers digging into her skin.

“Move with me.” She says into his ear before nibbling on it.

He groans as he starts to thrust up into her. She starts to bounce up and down him, moving his hands to her hips. He watches as her breasts bounce in front of his face, and he leans in to kiss and suck on them. Her head rolls back with pleasure. She wanted to feel his tongue all over her. She brings two fingers to his mouth, and he takes them in quickly. He looks up at her as he sucks on them, swirling his tongue around them, and nipping at the pads of them. She takes them away to rub at her clit.

He growls, and moves to pin her on her back, surprising her completely. He was never like this in bed with her. She looks up at him with wide eyes as he throws one of her legs over his shoulder, and replaces her fingers with his own. She groans at his touch. He was driving himself in so much deeper and she could barely handle it.

“Okay?” He asks her, panting slightly.

“Mhm, it’s good, so good.” One of her hands goes to the back of his neck, pulling him down for a sloppy kiss. They breathe each other in and out once they both start panting. “Harry, fuck, I’m so close.” She squeezes around him and he bites down on her shoulder.

“Blair.” He moans into her ear. “Can I come inside you?”

“Yes! Fuck, yes, please!” She screams as she’s coming again, feeling even more turned on when she feels Harry’s hot come start to fill her up. She grinds her hips towards his trying to make her orgasm last as long as possible. “Love it when you fill me up, feels so good.” She says as she continues to squeeze around him.

He slots his mouth over hers as they both start to come down. Their tongues mold together as they kiss lazily. He’s slow to pull out, but he was too sensitive to stay inside her any longer. She squeezes her legs closed to try to not make a mess. Harry scoops Blair up quickly bridal style to carry her to the bathroom, setting her down gently on the toilet, and leaving her to do her business. When she walks out of the bathroom, he’s laying on his bed in a fresh pair of boxers with a dreamy smile on his face. She climbs onto the bed and lays in between his legs, resting her head on his tummy. She buries her face into his soft skin while he starts to card through her mussed up hair.

“So…we’re really back together?” He asks after a few moment of peaceful silence. She looks up at him with a smile on her face.

“Yeah, I really wanna be your girlfriend again.”

“You have no idea how happy I feel right now.” He continues to play with her hair as she sets her head back down.

“You’ve never really taken control like that before…I kinda liked it.” She peers up at him again, grinning. “Maybe I should see what being the sub feels like sometime.”

“Oh, baby, I don’t know if I could switch like that. Don’t think I’d get much pleasure in making you wait for things. Think I’d give in the second you asked for something.” He chuckles.

“You’re so cute, Harry, but I understand what you’re saying. I don’t mind being the one to do that stuff when you really need it, babe.” She moves further up his body so she can be closer to his face. “Do you think in a bit when you’re ready to go again we could…bring out some of your ties?”

“Feel like I’m already bloating back up, fuck.” He groans, and kisses her.

“You know what I’ve really missed doing with you?” She says, moving her lips to the shell of his ear.

“What, baby?”

“Fucking that tight hole of yours.” She says lowly, and he whimpers.

“Yes.” He breathes, and she looks at him. “Still have everything, it just hasn’t been used in a while.”

“Would you really wanna get into all of that tonight? I mean, I’m game if you are…you seemed hesitant before.”

“I just wanted to feel really close with you before, but now that we’ve got that out of our system I’m definitely up for it.” He pecks her lips. “We’ve got the rest of the weekend to do all we want.”

“Mmm, and the weekend after that, and the weekend after that, and maybe sometimes during the middle of the week. Oh! Remember when I used to come to your office at work, and I’d let you bend me over your desk, god, that was always so hot.”

“Or that time we screwed in that bathroom at your studio?” His smile was incredibly mischievous.

“Or the times you sit me up on the counter in your kitchen and fuck me?”

“Or the time you bent me over my own desk her here?”

“I think it’s time we make some new memories.” She says, getting off of him, and extending her hand out to him for him to follow.

“Couldn’t agree with you more.”

Blair leads them inside Harry’s walk in closet where he kept his box of toys. It was still in the same spot as always. She pops the lid off and they both smile at each other.

“How long do you think I could edge you for?” She asks him.

“Um, I should be okay to go for a while since I already came.”

“Excellent.” She picks up a cock ring, the kind that vibrates. “We’ve got a lot of time to make up for.”

#harry styles #When the Time is Right #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles au #harry styles x oc #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #sub!harry #attorney!harry

[talkingharrystyles]

https://talkingharrystyles.tumblr.com/post/678632419321118720/to-anon-i-have-another-question-and-im-so-sorry

🌌You’re not a bother. You’re asking a legitimate question. If something is true, then it will stand against suspicions. No matter whichever you dissect it, it will defend and sustain itself. When someone discourages people from asking simple questions that can be answered without complicated explanations with “Just trust me! Stop asking!” or “you’re don’t care about him because you wouldn’t question it,” it’s usually because they’re afraid of the truth escaping. They want you to stupidly take their words as absolute. If there’s increasing, and contradictory holes as well as reasonable doubt then it’s only logical to ask “what’s really going on?”

No I don’t buy the hooking up rumors either, as they directly support the image Olivia wants to be seen as “this desirable, sexy, intellectual mind that’s the envy of every man and woman.” In every articles/blind/ from Olivia’s team, it’s ALWAYS centered on celebrating her “beauty.” Truly beautiful/ smart/ talented people aren’t focused on possessing the trait they already have. They already are those things so they don’t need to force the public’s attention to see what’s already there.

It also supports the “Harry is just a hopeless boy toy easily controlled by Olivia” narrative because it, as you says, paints him as someone who’d forgo his professionalism and his stance on family all because he couldn’t resist Olivia.

Best advice about tabloids? The media tells a story. Meaning it will subtly predict something before it even happens. Take that Backgrid photo of Harry outside of Olivia’s trailer long before the “wedding”. The caption said that someone was swooned (I forget which one it referred to) by the other. Nothing in that picture screamed romance. Olivia was doing her exaggerated actor face and Harry was just looking. Not gazing, or his eyes burning with desire. The media’s deliberate use of that word was intentional as it set the narrative of a romance occurring between them. Some people refer to it as seeding, which is correct. I just say storytelling. We were given pics of them actually kissing and is “swooning” a word that you’d use to describe that setting? Olivia was in a two piece and Harry looked bored. Not someone whose was mesmerized by, partially aroused, and comfortable seeing their partner partially nude body. Neither did Olivia. Ofc she wants to see him nude just to flex (the closest she probably has gotten is the FL poster); she too didn’t look like someone who’s seen his body.

Another example of storytelling is now the tidal change of them “us-against-the-world, I-can’t-live-without-you” to Harry slowly disappearing from her life. Many are already predicting how the end is written to read with the cliche “they separated because of lifestyle commitments.”

Lastly, that affair/hookup wouldn’t had seen the light of day because Harry’s team would had made sure that any interactions of them wouldn’t been documented or circulated. You see how he surprised everyone with his Eros role with no pic of him going to, during, leaving from set spreading? If Harry was that guarded about something apart of his public life, how much more his private one? Holivians argue that him uncharacteristically overly sharing this relationship is because she’s very special to him…care to explain then why we aren’t bombarded with pics/fan sightings/articles of him with Anne then? That’s someone whose incredibly special and his love for organically radiates. Press about them would generate great media attention as it’d show their relationship, especially after Robin’s and Bryan’s passing, (fans already want to see more of it)-which is the precise reason he doesn’t do that. Harry doesn’t exploit the people who he does care about for publicity gain. Hope that clearly explains stuff!

#fauxlivia #holivia is fake #holivia #pr stunt #publicity stunt #holivia stunt #publicitystunt #pr relationships #holivia pr stunt #🌌