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a-dorin · 4 years

Text

tempestuous | darth maul

word count: 5.043k

warnings: nsfw, 18+, professor/student relationship, sexual tension, smut, nudity, sexual innuendos, dominance kink, age gap, cursing

a/n: hello everyone! due to the response i received, this is the second chapter in the professor!maul au! i am so happy with the overwhelming comments of kindness. you guys rock :’) thank you for keeping me sane during quarantine. as always, the first chapter is linked below. enjoy :))

ardor

summary: weeks have flown by, and you find yourself under immense amounts of pressures with midterm quickly approaching. not only are you stressed with the academics, but you can’t seem to shake a certain professor out of your head.

“(y/n), did you have rough night?” barriss chuckled, handing ahsoka an iced coffee before sliding into her own spot, “here, i got you a little pick-me-up.”

wrapping your hand around the cup, you swirled your straw around, “thank you, barriss. i guess i’m just a little stressed out with midterms approaching.”

“a little?” ahsoka giggled, covering her mouth, “(y/n), we love you, but you look like you’ve been hit by a truck. is everything okay?”

you rubbed your temple, a dull aching seeping into your skull, “i’ve been pulling some all nighters lately.”

“well if you ever want to study for with us, you’re always welcome,” barriss’ blue depths shone, her lips curved into an encouraging smile, “ahsoka and i are a little nervous about the midterm as well, especially for this class. professor maul hasn’t given us any sort of notion on what the exam may be.”

“i hope it’s something simple,” you grumbled, taking a sip of the matcha latte, “again, thank you for the matcha, barriss. i appreciate it.”

barriss laid a gentle hand on your shoulder, “anything for you, (y/n). after all, you’re our new best friend.”

“she’s very right,” ahsoka shot you a wink, prodding you with her elbow, “you should come to the library with us tomorrow night! i know, it’s lame, but it’s pretty empty on the weekend. we have a good chance at snagging one of those study rooms. and if we get our homework done friday, we can always meet up before that party saturday night!”

“you guys party?” you arched a curious brow.

barriss and ahsoka rolled their eyes simultaneously, the togruta letting out a huff, “we know how to have fun too, (y/n). after all, they say that the bookworms know how to let loose.”

“whatever,” you couldn’t help but laugh, pulling out your laptop.

it was now about halfway through the semester, with midterms approaching on the horizon. the looming fact that you had about five exams, along with working extra hours with your internship, were beginning to take their toll on you. the internship at the hospital was running smoothly, and you were performing so well that you were offered extra hours. of course, you couldn’t help but accept the offer.

yet, it came with a cost. although it was only two nights a week, they asked if you could stay a few hours later than normal. so, every tuesday and wednesday, you strolled into your apartment well past one in the morning.

rex helped in every way he possibly could. whether it was cooking you dinner, making you coffee, tending to your laundry, as well as keeping the apartment tidy, he was adamant about making things easier for you. which, you greatly appreciated. there were even times he charged your laptop and made runs to the printer. last night was one of those nights where you didn’t get back till late, so to say you were exhausted was an understatement.

although it was your first class of the day, and 9:56 a.m., sleep still hung heavy in your mind. the comfy clothes hanging on your frame weren’t much help either, the coziness of the fabric lulling you to sleep. a university of coruscant hoodie, a few sizes too big, was almost like a blanket. and the grey sweats were comforting. shaking your head, you attempted to focus.

the class fell silent as he entered the room, causing you to perk up in your seat. today, he was clad in a pair of black slacks, the color of his button up and blazer corresponding with his pants. his shoes were freshly polished, glossy in the sterile light. the monochromatic outfit brought out the color of his crimson skin, his amber orbs nearly glowing. as usual, the silver chain hung from his neck, this time, settled on bare skin, as a button or two was left undone.

you nearly choked on your matcha, as you drank in the sight of him. maker, was he gorgeous. mind buzzing, you mustered all of your strength to not admire for a moment too long. it was already embarrassing enough the sheer amount of instances you saw him on campus.

now that you were enrolled in his class, you saw him everywhere. whether it was grabbing a meal to-go in the dining hall, bumping into him at the gym, or mumbling a greeting as you passed him in the halls of the psychology wing. it was odd, yet you paid no mind. a part of you yearned to see him, to just admire his features.

professor maul didn’t seem to mind the encounters either. every time, he would chirp a greeting, his tone smooth and cordial. even though he was formal, you couldn’t help but notice a gleam in the golden pools as he spoke. it was almost as if his eyes were roaming your body, glittering with lust.

just the mere thought of his lips on yours sent a faint blush painted across your cheeks. shifting in your seat, the realization that class began washed over you. letting out a quiet sigh, you typed notes as he spoke, his voice clear, thick with authority as it rang through the lecture hall.

“now,” he cleared his throat, backtracking to the pedestal to the left of the space, “i compiled a list of terms and parameters of your midterm exam.”

groans of frustration erupted like a volcano, maul’s eyes blazing with amusement, “may i discuss the exam with you first or are you all going to complain?”

“i hate him,” ahsoka muttered under her breath.

“you don’t mean that,” you whispered, teasing, “what if the exam is a breeze?”

“the midterm will be no walk in the park,” maul announced, gathering a thick stack of papers in his hands.

your eyes wandered to his hands, and how they sprawled over the stack with ease, how they were would fit so well over your breasts. a shiver ran down your spine as you pondered of his hands all over your body, relishing every inch of your skin. his voice snapped you out of your fantasy, his gaze settling on you, a smirk creeping onto his lips.

“for the exam, i ask that you research an individual or authoritative figure who is a ‘monster’ in our society. once you conduct your research, you will give me a brief presentation. the presentation will be done orally, through a video format. the deadline is printed on the assignment sheet. there are no exceptions, so plan accordingly.”

biting your lip, your cheeks reddened under the eye contact. however, his attention was taken away from you, eyes flickering towards a student near the top of the lecture hall.

“does this mean we can talk about president palpatine? he’s a tyrant!”

“i can’t believe he almost banned the frats!” another complaint rose from a classmate.

“if that’s who you would like to report on,” a bubbly, lighthearted laugh escaped his lips, the sound flowing like sweet honey into your ears, “you might have your work cut out for you. that is my boss after all, so i am not sure how biased i can be.”

the rest of the class droned on, ahsoka and barriss lost in their note-taking, their stares fixed to their laptop screens. meanwhile, you found yourself getting lost, daydreaming. maker, did you ache to experience just one kiss. to trace the tattoos all over his chest and shoulders as you unbuttoned the article of clothing. gnawing on your cheek, shame burned through you as you realized that you were beginning to feel a sensation in your core. the mere thought of maul had your folds slick, wet and desperate for him.

soon, class was over, students herded to the doors. you followed ahsoka and barriss, conversing about tomorrow’s plans. you were anticipating the study session tomorrow, as you needed it.

after all, you weren’t paying much attention in class these days.

*******

“so, are we wrapped up for the night?” ahsoka yawned, her eyes bleary with sleep.

a rumble in the distance shook the library, a thunderstorm wreaking its havoc over coruscant. you, barriss, and ahsoka were finishing up, the building nearing closing time. it was 10:32 p.m., the three of you hunkering down in a study room for the past two and a half hours. however, the session was helpful, the three of you passing notes, sharing what you did and didn’t have. you were all caught up, thanks to them.

“i believe so,” barriss nodded, shoving a notebook into her bag, “(y/n), would you like us to walk with you to your apartment? we can share an umbrella and give you one.”

“i’ll be fine,” you shrugged, glancing at your phone, “i think i might wait out the storm for a few more minutes. besides, my roommate has a girl over. i don’t want to impose on them.”

“you sure?” concern flashed across ahsoka’s face, “it’s not a problem to us.”

“you guys can go,” you teased, winking, “i can handle myself. besides, there’s no one in here besides the twi’lek at the front desk.”

“whatever you say,” barriss huffed, adjusting her hijab, “see you tomorrow!”

“see ya,” you waved to the two girls as they left the room, “text me when you guys want to meet up!”

“we will,” ahsoka called, giving you one last grin before they disappeared from your field of vision.

exhaling, you rose to your feet, slinging your bag over your shoulder. strolling out of the study room, the lights of the library were dimmed, a few students lingering, milling around the front desk or nose deep in textbooks, scrambling to finish their work.

eventually, you made your way to the lobby, leaning against the brick wall. rex promised that he would text you when his friend was on her way, yet there were no message on your screen. no missed calls. nothing. frustration welled up inside of you, creeping into your thoughts. surely the girl wasn’t staying the night. rex didn’t mention anything about it to you earlier.

“hey there,” an all too familiar voice rumbled, “do you need a lift?”

turning ever so slightly, your eyes widened at the figure before you. maul stood in the doorway, donned in a pair of grey joggers, a university hoodie on his top half. the hoodie was black, which was a prominent color in the zabrak’s wardrobe. you picked up on that the third day of class. his brows were furrowed, lips pursed. it was almost as if he was concerned.

“i’m fine,” you muttered, “just waiting on my roommate to give me the all clear.”

“i remember those days,” maul mused, “savage used to have all sorts of women over when we rented an apartment together for grad school. it was downright horrid.”

“i bet,” you sucked in a breath, anxiety swirling as you read the time once more. it was 10:48 now, more and more students filing out of the exit.

“you all right?” he inquired, his voice low, “if your apartment isn’t too far from here, i can give you a ride. it’s storming pretty bad out there.”

“isn’t that illegal?” you snorted, a glimmer of hope rising as rex’s called id lit up your phone, “hang on, i gotta take this.”

“heyyyy,” immediately, you sensed that rex was walking on eggshells, “do you have a place to stay for the night?”

“rex, i thought we talked about this.”

“well,” he mumbled, “she wants to stay the night. i’ll do all of your laundry tomorrow if you say yes.”

“rex this isn’t the right time to bargain with me,” tears brimmed your eyes as the horror crept in. you had nowhere to go.

“please?” his voice was sickeningly sweet, “pretty please?”

“fine,” you caved, “i’ll see you tomorrow.”

“thank you-” rex began, but you hung up before he got the chance to finish.

storming out of the library, tears streamed down your cheeks, mixing effortlessly with the icy rain as it cascaded down, piercing through your clothes. you sobbed, your cries deafened by the thunder. maker, you were so furious. how could rex do that to you? especially so last minute? the only place you could go was your car, and you didn’t even have a fresh change of clothes.

“(y/n),” through the roar of the thunder, you heard his voice.

“oh great!” sobs racked your body, “now i have to deal with you too-”

his hands grasped your cheeks, pulling you in. lips collided with yours, his touch warm, as you crumpled completely. fingers tangled into your wet locks, desperate to bring you closer to him, to feel your lips mold so effortlessly with his. the kiss was fiery, burning with a passion. a desire for you. it was exhilarating, intoxicating, your mind buzzing, losing any sort of coherent thought as the rain pounded against the cement, lightning illuminating your surroundings.

“now,” he pulled away, leaving you breathless, “do you need a ride?”

“i don’t have anywhere to go,” you could barely string the words together.

“you’re welcome to stay at my place.”

“are you sure?” you wiped your tears, yet the effort was fruitless. your clothes were soaked, you were chilled to the bone.

“yes,” he took your hands, “come on, let’s get out of here.”

“what if someone sees us?” anxiety bubbled within you.

“my hood is up,” he began to make his way towards the parking lot, clicking a button on his car keys, “besides, i’m wearing black and so are you.”

“i guess you’re right,” you muttered, a shiver rippling through your being.

as he approached the vehicle, he opened the passenger door for you as the rain pattered against the pavement. slipping off his sweatshirt, he shoved it into your hands, “here, put this on.”

“i-i’m not wearing a shirt underneath,” the words were a stutter.

“and i’m not fifteen,” maul scoffed, ducking so that he could slide into the driver’s seat, “you’re going to get sick out here and mine is somewhat dryer than yours.”

hesitantly, you made your way into the passenger seat, your eyes widening as you noticed the interior, “this is a tesla.”

in the darkness, you picked out the brightness of his grin, his incisors flashed, poking against his lips, “indeed. my apartment isn’t too far from here. i need to let savage know that we’re no longer having drunkfest.”

“drunkfest?” you couldn’t help but giggle.

“drunkfest,” maul affirmed, his thumbs dancing across his phone, “we get absolutely wasted every friday night to forget about the awful moments of the work week.”

“interesting,” you settled into maul’s hoodie, grateful for the slightly drier fabric. his scent flooded your nostrils. it was a strong scent, with traces of leatherwood, spices, and bergamot. it was heavenly, with just the right amount of cologne.

“it is interesting,” his eyes focused on the road, the lights of the city whirring by as he drove, “even though i’ve gotten completely trashed every single time, i can’t seem to shake you off my mind.”

blush flooded your cheeks, your breath hitching in your throat, “i see.”

within minutes, maul pulled into a parking garage, turning off the engine. he helped out of the passenger seat, “let me carry your bookbag for you. the textbooks probably need to sit out for a few hours. i’m sure you don’t want to pay for new ones.”

“i don’t,” you sucked in a breath.

the zabrak slung your bag over his shoulder with ease, locking the car behind you. the two of you entered the elevator on the level, and maul pushed his desired designation. a wave of silence crashed over you, but it wasn’t unnerving. it was more relaxed, maul humming a tune as the elevator whirred.

eventually, you were standing outside his door, the zabrak shoving the key into the lock. pushing the door open, you couldn’t help but marvel at the decor, furniture, as well as the viewports. the apartment was luxurious, screaming wealth. yet, maul remained humble, not uttering a single word.

the floor was a flint concrete, glossed over with a polish. in the den, there was a massive patterned rug, intricate patterns of black, white, and crimson woven together. the couch was a sectional, a dark grey. the shelving and tables were black, paired with subtle hints of scarlet or grey decor. there wasn’t much wall decor, besides some vintage posters from the old days of coruscant. framed photos of zabraki were scattered, and you inferred that they were feral and savage, maul’s younger brothers.

“there’s a hall leading to the refresher. it’s on your right, i’m going to set out your books to dry. before you shower, leave your clothes in a pile by the door. i’ll throw them in the wash for you. and if i pop in, don’t scream. i’m going to lend you some of my clothes,” the zabrak murmured, “take your time in the shower. i don’t want you getting sick.”

“what if i need help getting the right water temperature?” you arched a brow.

his eyes narrowed, gleaming, “i think you’ll be fine, princess. call me if you need anything.”

your cheeks reddened, “okay. i’ll be in the shower.”

maul mumbled something incoherent, and you wandered through the den, discovering the hall that he mentioned. once you found the refresher, you peeled the damp clothing off your body, grateful that there was a towel hanging outside the shower. exhaling, you tossed your clothes outside the door, turning on the water. after adjusting the temperature to your liking, you stood underneath the stream, grateful for the warmth as it seeped into your skin.

the shower was just as elegant as the apartment, with glass doors and a steel shower head in the shape of a square. it was far better than the shower in your own apartment, as you didn’t have to worry about wasting hot water or any spiders. steam billowed into the space, hugging the doors of the shower, droplets of water condensing on the glass.

“i’m coming in to drop off some clothes,” the zabrak’s voice entered the room, “holy fuck do you always have the water this hot?”

“do you not?” you chuckled.

“it feels like a sauna in here,” he chuckled, teasing, “anyways, i’ll leave you be.”

letting out a content sigh, you turned the water off once he left. opening the door, your eyes scanned the space for the light switch. after a few seconds, you found it, flipping on the vent. hopefully that would help with the amount of steam that clung to every single item in the refresher.

on the counter, there was a black turtleneck, along with a pair of briefs. patting yourself dry, you slipped on the briefs first, then slid the turtleneck over your head. it was getting late, the clock on the counter reading 11:36 p.m. yawning, you pushed open the door, padding into the hall.

maul was nowhere to be found, a frown forming on your lips. where could he had run off to? surely he would’ve mentioned something to you. yet, your curiosity crept in, urging you to explore. holding your breath, you noticed a door, inferring that it was maul’s bedroom.

the door creaked as you tapped it, the draft pulling it open. inside, the floor was the same as it was, a king-sized bed in the middle, pushed against the wall, supported by a black wooden bed frame. there was a dresser, along with a walk-in closet. the most breathtaking aspect were the viewports, acting as a wall. the lights of coruscant glowed, the room overlooking the city. rain flowed down the viewports as thunder rumbled. you felt drawn to them, awestruck by the beauty of the sprawling city.

“you like the view?” your heart nearly leapt out of your chest.

“don’t scare me like that!” you pouted, folding your arms across your chest.

“don’t go snooping around,” maul smirked, matching your energy.

your heart thudded as his eyes drank in the sight of you, in his turtleneck. the sweater was a little large, hanging loosely in some areas. the briefs hugged your thighs, leaving nothing to the imagination. your nipples poked through the fabric of the sweater, the cool air sending a shiver running down your spine.

“gods,” he breathed, licking his lips, “i-i don’t know what to say.”

“i’m sorry for wandering off,” you mumbled, your cheeks hot as shame burned through you, “i didn’t mean to-”

“just stop,” maul shook his head, taking a step towards you, “just fucking stop. you have no need to apologize.”

the air in room crackled like the lightning outside as he took another step forward, an old t-shirt clinging to his torso, the same pair of grey joggers hanging loosely on his hips. your throat tightened as you noticed the way his chest rose and fell, the zabrak’s breathing ragged.

“it seems as if i can’t shake you off my mind,” he panted as the space between you dissolved, “lately, all of my thoughts have revolved about you.”

“what do you think about?” you swallowed thickly.

“do you want the hear the answer?” his face was merely centimeters away from yours, “or would you rather experience it?”

“i want both.”

his hand reached out, gently grasping your jaw. the touch was light, feathery as his fingers traced your heated skin. you melted, nearly collapsing to the floor.

the zabrak’s eyes glowed, the amber now hardened into a deep honey hue, almost a chestnut brown, “can i kiss you?”

you nodded, almost a little too quickly, “yes.”

a low, guttural growl dripped from his lips, “i couldn’t resist you before. but fuck as soon as i saw you in my clothes, i just can’t fucking take it any longer.”

the kiss was hungry, an open-mouth, lustful kiss. his lips crashed into yours, yearning to explore the taste of your mouth. the zabrak’s hands laced into your hair, tugging at the roots, gripping tightly. a whine echoed through the room as he sucked on your bottom lip, his tongue delving into your mouth. a hand slid down, resting on the nape of your neck, holding you steady as the kisses grew hungrier and hungrier.

“get on the bed,” he commanded, his tone thick with authority, a hand untangling itself from your hair and tugging on the hem of the turtleneck, “and take this off.”

the way the words rolled of his tongue struck you to your core, your folds growing slick as the anticipation grew. fingers wrapping around the hem, you tugged it off, your breasts bouncing. the zabrak practically groaned as he admired your exposed body, a hand palming his cock as it hardened, the outline prominent in the light.

obeying his order, you laid on the bed, your back hitting the soft comforter. maul slipped off the t-shirt, almost pouncing on top of you. pinning you down, his mouth connected with your neck, trailing sloppy kisses down, onto your collarbone.

“if only i could leave my mark on you,” his breath was hot, coming out in pants, “i would paint you like a canvas.”

“you can,” the words were a broken moan as his tongue dragged across your collarbone.

“oh?” you could feel his lip curved into a smile, “you want me to?”

“ye-” the reply was shortened as maul’s lips wrapped around nipple, his tongue flicking over the sensitive area.

his tongue drifted from your nipple to your flesh, nipping and sucking, a satisfied purr erupting from the zabrak as a rich burgundy mark appeared, “i hope you’re aware that you’re the most beautiful woman i have ever met.”

“i don’t think so.”

within seconds, his mouth was hovering over the waistband of the briefs, “you better fucking believe you are, (y/n).”

“i- oh my god,” the tearing of fabric rang off the walls as maul ripped the briefs off your frame.

“usually i take my time with this,” maul murmured, his gaze burning with lust, “but fuck i need you. i need to feel you take my cock.”

“please,” you whimpered, squirming as he parted your thighs.

“holy fuck. how are you so fucking wet? you’re soaking and i haven’t even touched you.”

the zabrak was appalled, a flash of awe painted across features as he took in the sight of your dripping core, your pussy aching. desire burned through your being, threatening to consume you whole. maker, you never knew you wanted someone this badly. exhilaration rushed through you with every touch, his fingers slipping between your folds.

“i’ve thought about you like this,” maul was enticed, almost in a trace as your juices coated his fingers, “i’ve thought about the way your body would be underneath mine, your eyes begging for me to fuck you till you can’t take it anymore.”

“i’ve thought about you in class.”

“in class?” his voice faltered, “(y/n), that’s sinful.”

“it’s not as sinful as how i’ve wanted you to fuck me for weeks,” your cheeks were flushed,.

“oh gods,” maul groaned as a finger entered you, “i’m going to make you mine.”

“please,” your hips bucked forward, his finger plunging further into you, “i want to be yours.”

“you’re going to be mine princess,” he purred, “i promise i’ll give you what you’ve been yearning for.”

hastily, the zabrak tugged his sweats off, kicking them to the floor. your nearly choked on your spit when his member sprang free from the constraint of the fabric. his cock was massive, the largest you had ever seen. yet, it wasn’t too large that you couldn’t take it. crimson and black patterns wove all around it, his shaft ribbed, precum dribbling down his length.

“tell me how much you need me,” his voice shifted from a coo to a growl as fingers wrapped around your throat, “tell me how badly you need professor maul to fuck you senseless.”

“i need you to fuck me,” the words were a broken whine.

“louder,” his grip tightened, “say it louder. i need to hear you.”

“i need professor maul to fuck me,” the words were enough to bring the zabrak to the edge, to make him unfold.

“good girl,” his tone oozed with praise, low and husky.

he lined his tip at your entrance, slowly inserting himself into you. maul’s hand loosened from your throat, gripping the headboard for leverage. your moans were breathy, laced with bliss as your walls expanded, wrapping around his cock.

“that’s such a good fucking girl,” maul leaned in, nipping at your ear, “you take my cock.”

the zabrak thrust into you, his tip brushing against your g-spot. throwing your head against the pillow, your body almost went limp, collapsing. the pleasure was overwhelming, burning through you like a fire. but maker, did you want more. you needed more.

maul watched as he fucked you, one hand steady on the headboard, the other on the mattress, gripping the sheets. he was plowing into you now, showing no mercy. the moans bouncing off the walls were rich and so loud, fueling his desire to keep going. the zabrak lost all inhibitions minutes ago, his thoughts blurred, eyes glossed over.

the way you felt was heavenly, every single thrust euphoric.

maker, was he losing control.

tightening his grip on the headboard, his knuckles were almost white. he was completely feral, unhinged, detached.

a horrid cracking filled the zabrak’s ears, and he glanced up towards the headboard. the wood split into two, a lengthy, crack down the middle, stemming from his hand.

“oh shit,” you gasped.

“look what you made me do, angel,” a smirk stretched across his lips, “you’re going to fucking pay for that.”

your nails dug into his shoulder blades as he slammed into you, balls slapping against skin. his cock throbbed, swelling. with every throb, your walls tightened, the pleasure building in your belly. eyes squeezing shut, you felt every inch of him buried in your soaking pussy, balls deep in you now.

“maul,” the zabrak nearly unfolded right there, “i’m going to cum.”

“let go baby,” his lips brushed against yours, “you can cum. cum for me.”

the orgasm racked your body, maul’s mouth connected with yours, the moans muffled. your thighs trembled, stars bursting in your vision, the pleasure almost blinding.

with no strength left, your body went limp, collapsing into the mattress.

his thrusts were more languid, sloppy with every stroke. maul came moments later, filling you up with it all.

“fuck,” he cursed under his breath, a sheen of sweat clinging to his body, “are you all right?”

“i’m fine,” your inner thighs buzzed, soreness creeping into the muscle.

every inch of skin the zabrak touched tingled, as if your body was savoring the memory.

maul cleared his throat, his cock still inside of you, “i kinda lost control.”

“kinda?”

“a little bit,” he chuckled softly, brushing a strand of hair from your forehead, “it’s been so long since i’ve last had sex. it doesn’t help that i’m in heat, either.”

“you’re in heat?” you pressed, brows furrowing.

“perhaps,” the color of his eyes returned to their normal hue, amber flowing into crimson, “let’s get you cleaned up. it’s late.”

“is it past the professor’s bedtime?” your tone was snarky.

“don’t tempt me to fuck you again. because we both know damn well that i will.”

glancing up, you noticed the broken headboard, “how much is that going to cost?”

the zabrak let out a huff as his cock slid out of you, drenched with a mixture of juices, “i don’t know. it’s the least of my concerns at the moment. stay here, and don’t move a muscle.”

swinging his legs over the mattress, maul strolled towards the refresher, retrieving a rag to clean up the mess that you made. you sunk into the bed, questions ringing through your mind.

yet, you couldn’t help but notice a prominent feature. in the light, the tattooed skin glowed. but there was something different about the way his thighs transitioned from flesh to an ashen metal.

maul’s legs were cybernetic.

and your curiosity about the zabrak, your professor, skyrocketed.

***

tagged: @sapphicstars , @maulieber , @starflyer-104 , @alwayshappysith , @doobiwankenooku , @magicalkitkat12 , @dartheldur , @princessayveke , @multifandombtch , @spaghetti-666 , @lis-ard , @swimmingsloths , @sithmando , @mother-0f-monsters

#darth maul #darth maul x reader #star wars #star wars x reader #maul #maul x reader #professor #au #darth maul smut #darth maul fluff

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grasayson · 4 years

Text

this is my first shot at writing a matsukawa fan fiction. this will hopefully have two more parts to it

category: fluff, angst

tw: mentions of controlling behavior, swearing, slight alcohol use, not nsfw yet but that will probably be in other parts

pairing: matsukawa x reader

five years.

it had only been five years since you had been wished away to start a new chapter of your life with your newly wed husband.

five years.

of constant encouragement when you moved away to tokyo from your hometown, with the promise of new job opportunities.

up until the very end your husband had been your rock, your foundation.

as there is with any relationship, of course there was the behind the doors that no one knew happened.

the fact that your husband had never wanted to start a family, even when you had begged him to start one with you.

the way that he would sometimes drink too much with his work friends, and would come back home with lipstick stains along his collar.

he was a good husband. never would have done anything to hurt you, and always made sure that you had everything you needed (intimacy is arguably a want in his opinion not a need). you had never wished for him to pass so suddenly.

you were still in the prime of your life, having just gotten married the summer after your shared third year. although you had been told this many times by your loved ones it was always hard to believe. you felt as if your life had stopped at the moment his heart did.

days blending together, resulting in so much pain an agony. your family took care of most of the affairs when you moved back to miyagi prefecture. they didn’t push you to go out or do much of anything knowing you needed your time.

they didn’t know that the time they were giving you only caused you more damage. resentment.

the little things that your late husband would do that you started to notice. the way he would constantly complain about your cooking. the way he would slowly convince you to stop seeing your friends on weekends. the way your clothes never seemed to suit you by the looks he gave you.

yes there was grief, but it slowly morphed into a bitter taste left in your mouth. that no matter what you did you couldn’t get it out.

realizing that the comfy job you had gotten had been one where he could keep a close eye on you. noticing that while intimacy had long been a thing of the past between you two, he would come home disheveled with the scent of something sweet lingering on his clothes.

by all means you should have been happily married. he was your childhood friend turned high school sweetheart turned lover.

family members always commented on what a perfect smart couple the two of you were. they didn’t see behind those closed doors.

when getting his items from his office you didn’t miss the way his boss lingered in the empty room. you didn’t miss her muffled sobs.

it had long been on your mind he was seeing someone else. you just didn’t want to have to face her so soon after it had happened.

bitter angry thoughts continued to cloud your judgement when she would bring flowers by your house. how did she get your address again.

all rational judgement out the window knowing good and well that it was on his company record that he had his address. your address. but in that hospital room while he took his final breaths, you weren’t surprised when she had walked in. another emergency contact he had.

his beloved boss.

the one who had signed off on you getting a job in the company’s sister branch just three miles away. three miles away from the shared glances she and your husband had shared while finishing up paperwork.

it was all too much to handle.

you had had enough of being cooped up in your childhood bedroom having these thoughts run rampant in your mind.

sick of sleeping on the bed where he had taken your first kiss and much more.

a happy wife. yeah right. a bitter widow. you ran the title over in your head a few times for good measure. yes the title did seem to suit your current state better.

after a week of being stuck inside you had your mind set on walking around the town that you so desperately tried to get away from. to start fresh, and not remember all the shared moments you and your husband had together here.

the look your mother gave you as you walked out seemed to be very knowing yes albeit concerned. she was another that didn’t know what would happen between the two of you, but always seemed to sense something was off. when you wouldn’t visit for holidays or respond to any of her letters.

the streets all seemed tainted by his memories. kisses under streetlights, late nights in park benches, all of it was overwhelming.

you hadn’t realized that you he’d ended up in front of your old high school. oddly enough he wasn’t flooding your memories there.

you had been so active in so many different activities in your days there. so many extra curricular activities that didn’t involve him. you were always more for the additional things that school had provided while he remained diligent in his studies.

it was around noon so classes were still in session. the fall semester, so students were probably picking their clubs as you stood reminiscing on your days spent doing the same.

you had tried so many different sports, none quite suiting you. opting for different clubs; theater, newspaper, calligraphy, even judo for a time.

the one that you had stuck with for your three years there was the volleyball club. you tried your hand at playing your first two years, and we’re some how convinced into managing the boys team your third year.

you had already been friends with most of the boys beforehand. having gone to competitions with the girls team. cheering them on from the stands while they won match after match.

those were some of your best memories.

only beaten by actually being court side seeing everything so close up. seeing the determination in each boys eyes. you would be lying if it wasn’t contagious.

managing the team you would catch yourself screaming louder than they were. feeling as if you were in the game. as if you were doing the plays that they had been running through for months.

watching as their spikes serves played out perfectly. every little thing that they had been drilled with coming to life on that court.

while your late husband had never come to any of your games much less the boys games you never felt lonely or lacking anything by him not being there. if anything it forced you to make better connections with the people who were there with you.

never on your life would you have thought that the tooru oikawa would have been invited to your wedding, let alone give a toast to you. true to form there was extreme self flattery on his part throughout. the occasional slip up mentioning the time you had come into their room at training camp and seen kunimi’s entire backside. that one landed you a not simp nice glare from your newly wed husband. nonetheless he and most of the team had shown up to your wedding with promises to stay in touch even after you all went your separate ways.

it’s been four years since you spoke to any of them, save for the occasional selfie oikawa would send you from argentina. you would never respond back. your husband always accusing you of being too close to him, and asking why he is sending you pictures and if you sent any back.

slowly during the first year of marriage you stopped talking to any of them. your friendship, your bond, a thing of the past. just another thing left behind when you had moved away.

tainted corrupted thoughts about him once again clouding your vision. as you tried to recall the amount of late nights spent in those gyms tossing to the boys, or practicing your very slight libero skills from your time on a team. the amount of hours spent on buss rides with them usually ending up with one of them falling asleep on your shoulder. the way their last match went and the night you had spent in the gym with the rest of the third years and the tears shared. that was the last time every third year had been together in that room.

while you had invited every member of the team both boys and girls, a couple didn’t show.

matsukawa.

him being the one who’s absence you had noticed the most. makki had come up to you while an upbeat song was playing, and your husband was downing a bottle of champagne. something family related had come up. you smiled and hugged him. brushed it off as if it didn’t hurt.

matsukawa. his absence hurt the most. you had never been unfaithful to your husband not even while you were dating. but there had been a week early on in your third year where he had wanted to take a break from things to get more serious about his studies he had said. you took it to heart. confiding in your fellow third years looking for answers. they came up short with any.

oikawa had been the one to initiate the third year sleepover claiming that it would be for the betterment of the team if all upperclassmen were a unified force. everyone agreed on iwaizumi’s house.

it all started off innocent enough. as innocent as it could be with those four. oikawa was already sprawled out on the couch a bowl of soba in hand as he yelled at the tv screen. recordings from the past games played out before him as he yelled at his televised team members with a full mouth.

“shittykawa if you don’t stop yelling with your mouth full.” a less than empty threat from the kitchen had him slurping his food down faster and keeping silent. brushing past the amusing scene of oikawa with a face full of food hitting his fist in the air wanting to scream out, you headed to the kitchen to let iwaizumi know you had arrived.

“oh y/n i didn’t even hear you coming in over that idiot yelling.” he shot a glance at oikawa but went back to getting some more food ready for when the other two arrived. “trust me we aren’t going to be watching old matches all night. he just got here early and insisted on watching last weeks games.”

you gave him a soft smile as you made your way to the fridge to grab something to drink. settling in just water for the time being you took place beside him chopping up some scallions he had laid out. “iwaizumi you know people usually order food in for things like this.” nudging him slightly as he continued to mix a sauce together.

“i tried but everyone said they had wanted soba or ramen so it’s easy enough to make and i already had everything here.” shrugging as he placed the noodles in the water.

“what’s it like being the dad and the mom of the team.” you teased picking up his sauce he had mixed together and giving it a taste. “more ginger.” you said softly mincing a bit more.

he smiled over at you, a sight only seen occasionally from him. “with you here the mom role isn’t as difficult. especially with the second years they listen to you as well.”

you nodded continuing to adjust the sauce just slightly for him thinking to the time where you had to take kyotani out of the gym to talk to. him being surprising receptive, letting his guard down when no one was watching him.

“iwa-chan, y/n-chan who knows where makki and mattsun are it’s been hours.” a complaint from the living room rings through to the two of you.

“if you had come on time and not right after practice you wouldn’t be waiting hours.” iwaizumi growls back to him. he lets out a defeated sigh getting up to bring his empty bowl to the sink.

“did you even shower before coming here.” poking at his oversized shirt. he didn’t smell bad he probably showered quickly.

rolling his eyes and evading your prodding, “you act as if i haven’t got clothes hidden here so that i can shower and change.” earning him another glare.

“no fair!” he suddenly exclaims looking at your helping cooking. “i got iwa’s bland noodles, y/n is a much better cook i want her to make me some more.” he pouts.

“your lucky that i don’t throw this on you stu-“ the door opening and slamming shut was enough to save oikawa this time.

“did you tell us the wrong time, everyone is here already.” makki’s voice echos from the front door. there are some keys shuffling and being placed into the hook and then they are both standing at the kitchen.

the softest blush creeps across your face. mattsun. standing slightly behind makki, looking relaxed and mostly bored. he was the one thing that could get you flustered. having confessed to oikawa his feelings towards you in your second year, to which oikawa immediately told you. he had known about your boyfriend, but insisted that he just had to get it off his chest. the two of you never spoke of it but you could sense that his demeanor towards you had changed when you walked into the gym crying two days before having just been told about your boyfriend wanting a break.

maybe it was just wishful thinking. possibly curiosity, as all your intimate interactions had only been with your boyfriend having never so much as missed anyone else. regardless of that something about him seemed different, and you would be lying if you said you hadn’t imagined kissing him before.

the boys all teased you or would lean in for a kiss after you praised them for a good play. then knew when to stop the joke before they got you into trouble. this was usually oikawa or makki trying to get a rise out of you. the time that mattsun had done it left you confused and flustered. it was in a practice against a college team he had blocked one of oikawa’s setter dumps, as he was playing on the opposite team for the match. you couldn’t help but shout because oikawa had everyone else convinced he was going to set to the left side.

his eyes locked with yours immediately. a pink tint racing to your cheeks. oikawa called a time out and the boys headed over to the sidelines where you were keeping score. “a little excited about that play miss manager?” he questioned leaning down to your seat and resting his hand lazily against the back of it. closing you off but not intimidating.

“i was sure he was setting for the left wing spiker, i can’t believe you caught that.” it was true the other blockers had been heading to that side.

“it’s in the eyes.” he said. close. getting closer. “yours are very expressive as well,” his breath ghosting over your face missing just where you felt you needed him most. “not always saying what you mean.” his face a mere inches from yours.

as soon as it happened he reached behind you to grab his towel and water bottle, and proceeded as if nothing more of it.

it had you thinking for weeks.

“y/n?” you looked up at oikawa realizing you had been lost in thought. “we all said we don’t care what we watch tonight it’s late anyways. as our resident girl, what do you want to watch tonight?” if they knew you were lost in thought no one let on probably assuming you were still hurt over the abrupt halt on your relationship.

“anything is good we could honestly watch that anime you were all talking about at practice or a shitty romcom that you’ll inevitably cry to.” you beaded nudging the dumbass beside you.

“anime it is because we all know that you cry over every anime death, even if it’s the side character.” he retorts filling his bowl with more noodles and the sauce you had finished.

everyone followed suit getting their own bowl and took places on the couch. makki leaning against your legs along with mattsun leaning back onto his. iwaizumi taking place sitting on a cushion on the floor and oikawa taking up the entirety of the love seat across from the couch.

the sound from the tv covering up everyone eating or taking a swig from the few bottles of sake that makki has some how got his hands on. they were being passed around as everyone focused on the show.

food now long finished makki was laying on top of you with mattsun on top of him both of them within arms reach so you messed lightly with both of their hair. makki grabbed you hand and threw it to the side eyeing you. “stop that i cant stand people touching my hair.” just encouraged you to mess with it even more taking your hand from issei’s head and ruffling makki’s even more.

this resulted in him taking both your hands into into one of his and keeping them out of reach from his head.

a moment passed one of the bottles making its way over to you, makki grabbing it with his other hand and teasing you with it. “awe did you want some?” he questions before bringing it to your lips himself letting you take a larger swig than what you had wanted. passing it back over to mattsun still keeping your hands from him.

“hiro just because you’re fucking head is too sensitive,” mattsun chides, “doesn’t mean i wasn’t enjoying it.”

makki scoffs letting go of you hands slapping them away from his head instantly. “fine you big baby switch spots with me, wherever.” he groans switching places so mattsun is now laying against your legs.

your fingers immediately intertwine into his hair massaging soothing circles as you all continue the show.

“well i should have realized this would be an issue.” oikawa groans getting up from his place on the love seat stretching slightly only to be caught off balance slightly inebriated. “there are three rooms and four no five of us.”

iwaizumi groans show bing his friend to the ground. “obviously y/n would take my brothers room and we will each go two to a room or someone can sleep on the couch.” having already seen this outcome. “don’t want shittykawa corrupting our manager or scaring her away so soon into our third year.”

oikawa feints hurt looking over at you almost completely asleep on the couch hands still intertwined in mattsun’s hair who doesn’t look much more awake.

makki throws a couch pillow toward the two of you causing you to shoot up. “i wasn’t fucking asleep, and pervykawa i wasn’t even intending on staying the night.” sending a playful glare over towards him.

“you aren’t driving home drunk, my brothers door locks so no one will bother you. i’d say you can take my parents room, but two people are not comfortably fit on the other bed.” iwaizumi’s words still carrying authority even if he had finished more sake that anyone else.

you shrug yourself off the couch and head to the bathroom groaning about mattsun weighing too much and your legs being asleep.

you quickly washed your face and brushed your teeth, having assumed something like this would happen and packed just incase. slipped into your pajamas which were much more comfortable than your school uniform and headed towards the bedroom.

just probably the wrong bedroom.

you saw mattsun pulling his shirt off. not something uncommon. you’ve seen all the boys shirtless they tend to take them off sporadically through practice matches. just never realized how good his back looked.

“oh shit, y/n, i am not staying in this room just makki pushed me out of iwaizumi’s room probably to jerk it or something so i was changing in here since the bathrooms were taken..” he says eyeing over you not so subtly.

you brushed the thoughts running through your head about how good he looked like this, eyes half lidded, shirtless, hair messy.

“it’s nothing issei,” you say walking towards the bed not noticing how his body goes rigid at the casual mention of his name. “just tired.” and with that you slump into the bed legs still dangling off the end.

composing himself rather quickly he lifts your legs up and onto the bed sighing about how you’re hopeless.

“issei?” calling towards the door as he heads out.

“of course y/n?” he leans against it casually glancing back over to you. if he knew what he was doing he had to know how damn good at it he was. arm flexed, full chest on show.

“can i play with your hair again? till i fall sleep?” you say reaching an arm out towards him. a lazy smirk plastered on his face as he walks towards you and sits at the end of the bed where your hand can fall directly onto his head.

you giggle softly reaching towards his shoulder and pulling him up to you. not much work on your end as if you could lift him up from the ground with one hand. “what’s this?” he questions cocking and eyebrow towards you resulting in more giggles from you. maybe you had a bit more sake than you thought you did.

“why are you on the floor silly? you were laying on me earlier.” he reluctantly complies and slides you over in the bed so he can lay atop the blankets. iwaizumi was right. this bed was definitely not meant for the people to lay together unless it was in a compromising position.

“you know this bed is too small for this. my feet are hanging off the end.” he fake groans at you but any frustration he has is instantly pushed away when one of your arms snakes itself around his torso palming your hand on his chest and the other goes to his hair.

he reluctantly lets you move the blankets to cover him but stays flat as a board as you position yourself to be facing him laying your head against his shoulder. “what am i going to do with you.” he sighs wrapping his arm closest to you around your body and pulling you into his warmth.

“love me or something you mummer against his chest. his heart stops for a moment. head shooting down towards you only to be met with a slight grin. you open your eyes up to him and giggle softly. “come on say it.” you urge pulling only slightly on his hair still in you hand. his throat now feeling incredibly tight and full of cotton not knowing what would possess you to say this to him. did you know the feelings he kept deep down towards you?

“it’s okay,” you sigh still gazing up at him wrapping a leg around his to cuddle even closer to him. “you don’t have to love me issei.” you grumble. it was almost as if everything was moving in slow motion for him. your eyes closing the way you scooted you so you were closer to him, the way your hand in his hair pulled him ever so closer. then everything was on fire the moment your lips touched. he felt as if he would let go that instant that it wasn’t right, but at the same time he never wanted to let go for fear of never having this moment again. he never wanted to forget the way your lips felt on his. the way you were holding onto him as if everything in your life depended on it.

this moment. he wanted to live in it.

“i love you issei.” breaking the kiss before he could memorize everything about your lips. every curve ridge and slight crack. he wanted those lips on his forever.

before he could process anything that just happened, ask you if you really just did that you were already back in place on his chest fingers no longer moving against his hair and breathing completely even.

he sighed throwing his head back, careful still of your hand. it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“i love you too.”

looking up from your daze of all your old high school memories you hear it again. “y/n? is that really you?”

your eyes meet. those eyes you longed to see. the eyes you had permanently etched in your brain. the eyes you for so long wanted to wake up to. those eyes that could see right through you. the eyes you missed seeing at your wedding.

“issei?”

#mattsun #mattsun x reader #hq matsukawa #anime #hq fanfic #matsukawa x reader #haikyuu!!

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swellwriting · 4 years

Text

LOVER 6/18

- I THINK HE KNOWS -

Bucky x Reader/ The Winter Soldier x Reader

Summary: “Remembering your past is scary in its own right, forgetting is just the easy part.”

Warnings: none!

Word Count: 1.6k Part 5 Masterlist Part 7

Tony invited the team to a fancy bar/ restaurant that he’s rented out for the night. Fancy food and endless amounts of expensive champagne, neon lights, slightly sticky bar tables and dull music playing in the background. It turns out being an Avenger has its perks. Even if you weren’t technically an Avenger yet.

The team is all sat at different tables or wandering around and chatting with each other, the Avengers are a rather large group nowadays so they take up quite a bit of space. They are all dressed so nice too, no comfy loungewear, no training clothes or uniforms for missions, just ironed pants and white socks and button-up shirts and flowy dress with sparkly heels. Hair gel, fancy watches, delicate bracelets and colourful eyeshadow, it was nice to see them like this, so much of their personality on display.

You’re sat at a table with Wanda at your side, she woke you up a few hours ago and was glad to find you back to normal, or whatever your normal was. She lent you a pretty black dress with a ruffled skirt and these puffy see-through sleeves that made you content inside. It wasn’t skin tight or entirely see-through lace, it wasn’t meant to seduce and distract, it was meant to make you feel pretty and it actually did. She curled your hair and put a bit of makeup on you, this was fun, getting ready with Wanda and doing something so simple was fun.

“You clean up nice.” Clint compliments as he sits down across from you and beside Bruce. Nat, Steve, Bucky and Sam are sat at a table across the room, Bucky is staring intently at you, staring at Clint, he doesn't mean to have such a deadly look in his eyes but Nat catches it right away.

“You okay there Buck? You have this jealous gleam in your eyes, did change your mind about her after seeing her in such a pretty dress?” Nat tries to tease while also being gentle with her tone.

“No,” he mumbles shaking his head and drinking his beer.

“You seem off, ever since the fight, did something happen?” Steve asks concerned.

Bucky is silent as he takes another drink, Sam watches Bucky patiently, they aren't pushing him for answers, but they do want to know what going on inside his head.

“No, I just, I don’t know,” he says and then shakes his head before he looks back over to your table, he sees you laughing at something Clint said, it’s not flirtatious, it’s a toothy smile, a childish one with no charm, but he still feels jealous and he hates it.

“You can tell us Buck, and we can help you understand it.” Steve pushes him gently and Bucky takes a deep breath.

“I had this, like thought, maybe a memory I can’t tell it was so quick, but it scared me and sorta shocked me.”

“What happened?” Nat asks quietly understanding that this is a secret Bucky only wants his closest friends to know.

“I was just standing across the street from her, I sort of froze and was watching her and then she shot these two aliens that came up behind me, something about seeing her fight, the way she shot that rifle it just... it did something to my brain. I saw this flash of like her holding this sniper, and I was holding her hands in place, like I was teaching her or something and then it disappeared instantly, I can’t even tell if it was real or just something my mind made up. It’s been driving me crazy,” he admits in a hushed tone, his friends listening carefully.

“It doesn't have to mean anything,” Sam says, “not yet at least, that’s not enough to work off of so just wait and see how things play out, if you remember anything else, don't push yourself, just try not to dwell on it,” he suggests expertly.

“Yeah, just think of her as a new teammate, not some potential person from your past. It might make things easier.” Nat says and her voice is calming in itself, his friends are so smart, so good at this, he feels a bit better but he doesn't tell them about the jealous pang in his heart.

“I'm gonna go chat,” Nat says getting up and Bucky watches as she walks over, so casually sits beside you and falls into the conversation. Nat sits beside you and you spare a glance over to Bucky, he looks nice in a black button-up shirt, his hair is pushed back, it’s getting too long and he should really cut it soon. You catch each other’s gaze for a moment, both taking too long to look away from each other. Nat was right, you do look pretty dressed up like that, you looked pretty before too, pretty in a dress or with blood on your face and a gun in your hands, pretty when you cry to Wanda over your memories, pretty when you glare at him. He wishes he could just walk over there as Nat did, get to know you a little bit without it seeming like the scariest thing in the world.

Somehow you gained the Avengers favour, despite your previous outbursts or mysterious past you fought well and you didn’t kill any of them or any civilians during the battle which deemed you good enough, they’ve had worse.

Tony decided after that night at the bar and after going toe to toe with you in an arm-wrestling contest that you aren’t so bad, he gave you your own floor right below Wandas and above Nat’s, while allowing you to be one of them for the time being, nothing permanent Tony says though, he’s just seeing how you work out.

Bruce puts you on this medication and it makes you a lot calmer, it makes emotions easier to handle, it suppresses your anger but that leaves room for hope and love, with the anger forcefully gone your mind has to fill the gaps with other things. You start reading more books, watching all these shows and movies you missed out on and you even have plans to have a sleepover with Wanda next week and you’re excited.

You notice that Bucky is still avoiding you and that he seems scared of you and that makes you wonder, what could you have done to scare him, was he still avoiding you because of your past? You wished you could almost move on from that, get to know him like you were getting to know the other teammates.

You started training with Steve some mornings, you went for a run with Sam when Steve and Bucky were on a mission, Tony let you come in his lab and help him and Bruce with a new project. Clint gave you that USB from the day you all first met and you helped Tony decode it to give them any info on Hydra they didn’t already have. You and Wanda started hanging out more. You went for Lunch with Scott and Hope, one night Thor gave you too much Asgardian wine and told you tales from Asgard until 4 am, things were going good, except for with Bucky.

You follow him around the compound sometimes secretly. Hanging on his every word even though they are never spoken to you. You want him. You want him to remember you and you want him to love you. Those feelings were a bit suppressed before when you were focused on being angry at your predicament, but now that you were free all you thought about was him.

It’s early in the morning, he’s making coffee as you walk into the kitchen and it’s instantly weird, it’s just you and him, no one else is awake yet.

“Coffee?” He asks casually and you agree with a silent nod, biting your tongue. He pours you a cup and mixes in some sugar before handing it to you and leaving the room, sipping from his own mug while half-reading an open book in his hands. It’s a bizarre moment, you hadn’t drunk coffee since you got there, there was no way for him to know that you took only sugar in it, you knew he drank his with cream and extra sugar but that’s because you remember.

Then it hits you. You think back to what Tony said about Bucky remembering your codewords and with this coffee thing too now? It all starts to make more sense. The scenarios play in your head over and over again as the words repeat themselves and bounce around your brain, I think he knows, I think he knows, I think he knows.

Before you realize it your coffee is cold and you’re still standing there, thinking and feeling newfound hope, determined to make him remember you.

And you had just thought about trying to move on, trying to focus on something other than him but he’s everything you want, he’s got that roughish yet boyish look that you like in a man, and you feel like your 17 again plotting how to make him fall in love with you, writing his name in a notebook with a red heart around it.

The idea of being 17, the vague memory scares you, so no wonder he has been avoiding you so hard, you scared him, he is scared that he is very slowly starting to remember you. Remembering your past is scary in its own right, forgetting is just the easy part.

You make a mental note to schedule another session with Wanda and Bruce next time you see them. No more focusing on being an Avenger and having new friends and a new room and daydreaming about what you could have with Bucky, it was time to focus on the past again. Oh and that sleepover with Wanda, you can make time for both.

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Part 7

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marril96 · 5 years

Text

The Distance Between Us

Chapter 5: Working Girls

Pairing: Rowena x reader

Summary: The time has come for your first tutoring session.

Editor: @cherrypierowena

It was Friday when you next spoke to Rowena.

She seemed intent on avoiding you all week, and you happily returned the favor. The less you saw (and heard) of her, the easier it was to pretend you weren't stuck being tutored by her for the entirety of this semester.

What were you thinking, saying yes to that?

You were an idiot.

Just as the last bell sounded, and you were on your way out, happy to start your weekend, the devil herself had to — just had to — walk up to you and say, "Tomorrow. Quarter past three."

You blinked as if you'd just been maced. "What?"

"The tutoring," she said a tad slower, in an overly exaggerated tone, as if you were dumb. "That thing you're making me do? Remember?"

You rolled your eyes. "You agreed for the same reasons I did. I'm not making you do shit."

She returned the eyeroll, which somehow managed to look even more dramatic, more exaggerated. You wondered if it hurt to twist her eyes like that. And if it did — good.

"Whatever. You coming tomorrow or what?"

Did you even have a choice?

The sooner you got it done, the better.

"Where?"

"My house," she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

It kind of was. The way Rowena was, she wouldn't be caught dead with you — alone — in public.

"Sure," you say.

"Need directions?" she asked.

It was your turn to give her the are-you-dumb look. "I've been there countless times."

"Just making sure," she said, shrugging nonchalantly. "Don't want you to get lost."

Olivette, who was standing beside her, snickered.

Rowena smirked.

Nice. Already off to a great start.

"Don't you worry about me, sweetheart," you said condescendingly. Two could play this game. "Just make sure you're home when I get there. Busy girl like you, don't want you to stand me up."

"I won't, darling," she replied in the same tone. "I cleared me schedule just for you."

"How sweet."

"That's me."

Yeah. Sweet as diabetes.

Olivette pulled her arm, heading for the exit.

"Don't be late," Rowena said over her shoulder as she followed her.

"I would never," you shouted after her.

After the way she acted, you were tempted to. Badly.

*****

It was three o'clock sharp when you showed up at the MacLeod residence. Much to your disappointment, Crowley was out, doing whatever it was that he did on his own. Probably something not quite legal. Or moral.

You didn't ask.

You didn't care.

Just before you left the house, he sent you a message giving you his honest, heartfelt condolences. How sweet of him.

You hated to admit it, but it was oddly comforting. If anyone knew what it was like to study with Rowena — to be around Rowena for more than a few minutes, all alone — it was him.

Rowena opened the door dressed in something sparkly you thought she only wore to school to stand out.

Apparently, it was her regular attire.

Who would have guessed?

"You're early," she said in greeting, seemingly surprised.

"Hello to you, too," you said.

She scoffed and moved aside to let you in, then closed the door behind you.

The MacLeod house was small but comfy. The kind of house that made you feel right at home as soon as you walked through the door. Aside from their mother's, the MacLeod kids had two other bedrooms; Rowena had her own, and Crowley and Gavin, their younger brother, shared theirs. Not much space for a four-member family, but they made it work.

"Mother's at work," Rowena said. "Fergus is out. It's just you and me. And Gavin."

"Cool," you said.

Their mother was always working. Two jobs, you thought Crowley once said. Bills needed to be paid, and kids were expensive.

"Gavin won't bother us," Rowena said.

"Whatever."

You didn't mind the kid. From what you saw of him, he was a lovely little boy. A complete contrast to his sister.

She took you to her room. It was small, but somehow felt like home. The bed was by the wall in the middle, surrounded by a desk with a laptop on top, a large closet, a dresser, and, much to your surprise, two big bookshelves filled to the brim with books, hardbacks and paperbacks alike, all in seemingly pristine condition.

You would never admit it out loud, but you were impressed. You'd expected something more… pink. And sparkly. Maybe a few pictures of loser kids like yourself hanging on the wall, with targets painted on their faces in sparkly pink gel pen. The popular girl stuff.

Maybe she had those in her closet.

"It's just a room," Rowena said when she noticed you staring, a touch of smugness, of pride, in her expression.

You blushed. "Your books…"

"Aye, I've my own wee library."

A bit more that wee, it was. There were so many books!

"Don't touch anything," she added. "You can look" — she didn't seem too thrilled with that idea, either, but at the same time, she liked to be the one to impress — "but don't touch. I don't want you to damage the books."

You had to roll your eyes. "That's my sole purpose in life — damaging your books."

"For all I know, I might be," she retorted. "You seem like the type."

You cocked up an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"We wouldn't be in this mess if not for your damage."

Really?

Really?!

"You could've refused," you reminded her. "We both know why you didn't." Because little miss perfect wasn't so perfect after all. "Don't put your shitty record on me. I'm not the one bitching out the teachers."

At least when you did it, you did it out of earshot, around your friends.

If anything, Rowena could learn a thing or two from you.

Her cheeks flushed as red as her hair. "If you weren't such a failure, Mr. Shurley never would have blackmailed me!"

Maybe so.

But still…

"Maybe he doesn't like you."

God knew you didn't. Half the school didn't. Just because her group let her into their little circle didn't mean the entire popular scene liked her.

You'd heard the things they were saying about her behind her back. All the names they called her. The jokes they made about her.

Everyone knew the only reason she was popular, that she was someone, was that Olivette felt sorry for her. The same reason Lucifer started dating her Junior year.

Hell, you were pretty sure Rowena knew it, too. She couldn't not know.

But she put up with it. Because popularity was everything, even at the cost of dignity.

Being on top mattered more than anything. More than family. More than the people she'd trampled on her way there.

Despicable.

Rowena scoffed, looking at you as if you'd just suggested having live snails for dinner. "He loves me!"

You snorted. "Sure. Everyone loves you."

"People with taste do."

"Yeah, 'cause you're so lovable."

"Totally am."

As lovable as a splinter.

"Now, are you here to be rude or to learn?" she asked, changing the subject. "I've had to cancel plans to meet with you, you know. I don't want to waste my time."

You were the one being rude?

Typical Rowena.

"So sorry you can't make out with your asshole boyfriend for an extra hour this afternoon," you said sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. "What I do with my time is none of your bloody business! But if you must know, I was supposed to go shopping with Olivette."

So she was in agreement with Lucifer being an asshole.

Interesting.

"My deepest apologies," you said mockingly, earning you another eyeroll.

Books, notebooks, and supplies were on the floor, on a neat pile beside the bed. You lowered your bag containing your own stuff beside them and sat down Indian style. Rowena joined you.

"When's your make up test?" she asked.

"Thursday," you said. You thought Ms. Hanscum would give you more time, but guess not. You had a tutor now. She expected results.

You expected another F.

Rowena sighed. "Well, let's see what it is you're struggling with."

How about everything? you thought sourly.

"This was in the test," she said, opening the textbook and pointing a perfectly manicured fingernail at the pages in question. "What exactly is it you don't get?"

You slid the book over to you, scanned the pages meticulously. So many numbers and formulas. Odd formations of numbers and letters that made no sense. Solved example problems that looked as strange as a foreign language. Questions you didn't — couldn't — understand, let alone solve.

You blushed as if caught doing something awkward.

This was embarrassing.

"Everything," you mumbled under your breath.

Rowena frowned, confused, curious. "What?"

You swallowed. Breathed in deep and hard for courage. "I said everything!" She blinked. You sighed. "None of this makes sense to me. Might as well show me hieroglyphs. I'll understand as much."

As if it wasn't embarrassing enough that a mean girl like her had to tutor you, you had to admit to your ignorance out loud.

This was fine, you told yourself. Totally fine. If she laughed at you, if she told her friends what a complete and utter idiot you were, so what? Wouldn't be the first time you were made fun of.

You could handle a bit of bullying.

You'd handled it before.

Go at it, Rowena, you thought. Do your worst!

Instead, her hard expression softened. No trace of a smile lingered on her mouth. No teasing glint in her eyes.

She looked… concerned.

What was going on?

"You really understand nothing?" she asked. Her tone was genuine, no mockery in sight.

"Yup," you said timidly, face falling to the open book between the two of you.

"Why didn't you ask Ms. Hanscum to explain?"

What was the point? You still wouldn't get it. Also…

"So you and your friends can laugh at me?"

Rowena looked appalled. "I wouldn't laugh at you."

"Sure you wouldn't." Just like she hadn't looked around at people who'd failed with a smug look on her face. Just like she hadn't stood aside as her friends teased and bullied and mocked people, and laughed along with them.

She was about to respond, but shut her mouth just in time. Good. You weren't in the mood for excuses and lies.

"Why don't we start with the first lesson?" she asked, changing the subject back to the topic at hand. "If you get a hang of that one, the other two will be easier to comprehend."

"Sure," you replied. You weren't expecting much; if Ms. Hanscum, who'd spent years earning her degree, couldn't teach you, you doubted a mere high school girl could.

Still, it was worth a try.

You could use the extra credit, and plus, you'd promised Sam you'd cooperate. Rowena had apparently told him she had no patience for slackers. You didn't particularly care what she thought, but at the very least, you could prove her wrong. You could work hard and do your best. Make her earn her extra credit and clean record.

"Okay, so you see this problem?" Rowena asked, pointing to a set of numbers she'd written down on a piece of paper.

"Yeah."

You wished you didn't.

You had a feeling these numbers would show up in your dreams tonight. And every night after that.

Math was a bitch.

"Do you know how we got 3?"

You shrugged. "Nope."

She might as well have asked you to translate lettering from ancient artifacts.

Rowena sighed. Not quite happy, but not exasperated, either. "Let's look at it differently. What's something you like?" She looked around, lost in thought. "Money?"

"Sure."

Everyone liked money, you supposed.

She grinned. "Great!"

Was that genuine joy on her face?

"Say you have one hundred dollars. I borrow you twenty. Sam borrows you five. You want to buy a… DVD."

That was one expensive DVD.

"What kind?" you asked.

She frowned. "What?"

"What kind of DVD? Like, which movie?"

"Gone with the Wind?" she suggested.

You made a face. "I'd never buy that! Especially not for that much money."

"It's a bloody classic!" she exclaimed, outraged.

Well.

Somebody loved old movies.

"Don't care," you said. "It's old, needlessly long, boring, and, uh, did I mention old?"

Rowena looked as if you'd just admitted to murdering her entire family in cold blood.

"Make it Mean Girls. It's symbolic, at least."

She scowled. "Fine. You want to buy Mean Girls."

"Perfect," you said with a sugary-sweet, diabetes-inducing smile on your mouth.

She rolled her eyes dramatically. Her favorite thing to do, it seemed. "You get to the store, and you find out it's on sale."

"I love sales!"

"Everybody loves sales! Anyway, the DVD you want…"

She went on a long, complicated explanation of prices, tax, sales, calculations, and formulas. At first none of it made sense, just as it hadn't back in Ms. Hanscum's class. But the more she explained, the more details she provided to the imaginary scenario with money and DVDs, it started to settle in.

It took a good ten minutes, but by the time she was done, you understood the problem.

And when she gave you a few problems she'd made up herself to solve, same structure with different numbers, you did it.

Correctly.

Soon the two of you moved on to other lessons. Rowena was surprisingly patient. You expected her to scream and shout and call you names. Instead, she explained everything thoroughly, five times if she had to. She didn't talk down to you. Didn't make you feel dumb for not knowing things that came naturally to her. Didn't rush you or chastise you for taking too long to solve the problems she'd given you.

She spoke softly and kindly, and gave you time to think solutions through.

She was, dare you say, better than Ms. Hanscum herself.

"I think that's about enough for today," Rowena said.

You looked at your phone, eyes going wide at seeing the time.

Two hours had gone by in a flash.

"Yeah," you agreed. "That was way too much math for one day."

Rowena giggled.

It was cute, you found yourself thinking. A strangely cute little sound.

"Would you like to come over tomorrow?"

You blinked. "To study?"

"What else?"

"Isn't that a bit… soon?"

"Your make up test is Thursday, right? It's better to prepare really well." She shrugged. "Not saying you have to. It's just a suggestion."

You didn't want to.

You never wanted to see these numbers — any numbers — again.

You especially didn't want to see them that soon.

But…

Rowena was right. The more you prepared, the more you studied, the better.

It wasn't like you had anything planned, anyway. Sunday was a boring day.

"Okay," you said after a moment of thinking it through. "Same time?"

"Aye."

"It's a deal, then."

"Don't be late."

"I'll be here at three again. Three fifteen sounds a bit weird, to be honest."

She made no response to that. Merely shrugged as if it didn't bother her. "Says you."

"I'll be going, then," you said. "Say hi to Crowley for me?"

"Whatever," she replied, annoyed.

You took that as a yes.

The first session went rather well. You hadn't tried to kill each other and you'd managed to learn a thing or two.

Maybe having Rowena MacLeod as a tutor wasn't so bad after all.

*****

Tags: @werewolfbarbie @oswinthestrange @songofthecagedmoose @apurdyfulmind @getthesalt-sam @metallihca @salembitchtrials @jay-eris @hellsmother @elizabeth-effie @victoriasagittariablack @rowenaswife @wonderifshelikesroses @xfireandsin @liddell-alien @hotdiggitydammit @lae-lae @darkhumorsblog @gaysnakess @angel7376 @cherrypierowena @ruthieconnells @evil-regal-vampiress @collectorofsecretsandsouls @angel-e-v-a @melisandre02 @a-queen-and-her-throne

#rowena #rowena macleod #rowena x reader #spn #supernatural #spn family #fanfiction #my fics #high school au

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dxlansfxck · 5 years

Text

Blurred Lines | E.D.

Summary: Smoking weed with Ethan for the first time turns into snacking, cuddling and making out.

Warnings: Smut, Drug use, fluff I guess

~~~~

Ethan and you have been planning this evening out for weeks now, not sure where to buy the things you’ll need, being paranoid about the cops and getting into jail. You’ve had some friends that smoke weed on a regular basis, but you’ve never tried it. Damn, Ethan didn’t even like to drink alcohol, how could someone conclude that he was ready to try some weed now? Both of you were stressed out lately, started arguing over stupid shit, not being handle themselves. They might think that all you need is a good fuck, but well, that’s what you were doing every single night. You’ve had the best sex of your lives, basically trying out everything without kink-shaming the others interests. Grayson himself loves a nice blunt here and there – it was the only thing that could calm him down while having anxiety attacks-, so he offered his brother to get some more when he meets his dealer the next time, maybe even hitting the bong with you.

“Y/N, are you sure you want to do this? It isn’t illegal for no reason. Oh god, has someone ever died from an overdose? Of course people need to smoke that shit if they’re so nervous about doing it, they need something to calm down after the panic. How do we even do this, have you ever rolled a blunt? And shall we smoke a blunt or a joint? Grayson said we could use his bong as well, but isn’t it stronger this way? Y/N, I think we should- ““I think you should shut up, babe. Don’t worry too much, you can’t die from just smoking one or two blunts. Look at Gray, he’s still alive and some days all he does is sitting in his room smoking weed. We’ll be fine, but if you don’t want to do this, we don’t need to, you know that right?” You try to calm your boyfriend down, not wanting to pressure him into something. E just nods, smiling shyly. “I just don’t want to risk anything, but you’re right, nothing could happen. Should we prepare some food in case we’ll get hungry?” You jump up, running into the kitchen and pull premade cookie dough out of the fridge while grinning at Ethan. “Duh. I’m making those, you’ll call the pizza delivery! I want pineapple and sweet corn, maybe some Sprite with it as well. And don’t forget- “”The Ranch dressing, I know, princess. Gimme a sec.”

“Hey guys, I’m back”, Grayson enters the door, already smelling freshly baked cookies and Pizza while stepping out of his shoes. “Damn, I’m smoking with you all the time if you’re coming this prepared.” You just shrug your shoulders. “Didn’t know what I would be in the mood for and this guy”, you point down to your stomach, “Is hungry for everything.” Ethan laughs while letting him fall right next to his girl, putting on ‘Mulan’ on the screen. He knows it’s your favorite and he learned to love it too.

“How are we going to do this, Gray?” “I already bought premade blunts, it’s easier”, he holds them up, so you could see them. “Ready, folks?” Grayson sits right next to you, placing one of the blunts between his lips and lighten it before taking a deep breath. He exhales with closed eyes before handing it over to you, who repeats the process. Ethan is the last one, still a bit nervous but curious. He didn’t like the taste, the irritation in his throat and the coughing afterwards which made him drink a whole cup of Sprite. But it gets easier each time he hits the blunt, soon the second one is all smoked up as well and Grayson went back to his room to play some Fortnite. Ethan and you were just looking at each other, grinning, and enjoying some of your pizza while finishing the movie, not feeling high at all.

“Shall we go to our room? We can watch some YouTube in bed, the couch isn’t as comfy.” You nod, grabbing the cookies and Sprite before going upstairs, sliding directly into your bed. “What do you want to watch? Shane?” Of course, you watched Shane, your favorite YouTuber. Conspiracy after conspiracy, Ethan just shakes his head. “Don’t get it. How’s he so smart?” Then he starts laughing. “Oh well, he just googles the stuff, I guess. But where does the idea to google it come from? He must be smart. I’m not that smart, but that’s okay, right?” He looks over at you which is totally lost in the video. “Mhm, yes, smart”, while munching some cookies. “Dude, these are so fucking good, they taste like a chocolate explosion in my mouth. Try one!” “Oh fuck, you’re right”, he speaks with a mouth full of cookies. “They’ve never been this good, I swear, if everything tastes like this if you’re stoned, I want to smoke every day.” He looks over to his girlfriend, chocolate spread around your mouth, the hair falling out of your messy bun, wearing nothing but E’s old football tee. “God, you’re so beautiful, princess”, wrapping his arms around you, Ethan can’t stop admiring you. “Your skin is so soft, even though your legs aren’t shaved, how do you do this? HOW?” You just laugh it off, placing one hand on Ethan’s cheek. “Thank you, baby. But you’re beautiful too. People may call you hot or handsome, but you’re truly beautiful, inside and outside. I love you, Ethan.” “I love you too, Val.” Your lips met in a soft, lovely kiss, different to your normal making outs. Usually, the couple would fight over dominance, this time there wasn’t any dominance at all, just sweet love.

You kissed for what seems like hours, exploring your bodies and showing love to each other. You were on top of Ethan, kissing his jawline, pressing sweet little kisses onto his Adam’s apple down to his rising chest. “You smell so good, E. Like cookies, sugar and yourself.”, You mutter as you softly lick over his lightly sweaty chest. Ethan couldn’t hide that quiet moan that leaves his skin as soon as your tongue reached out for his nipple.

Your lips wander down his toned chest and the slightly hairy trail down to his boxers, leaving a few love bites here and there – the lovely making out session quickly turning into what you usually do. “Baby, no teasing, please.” Ethan grabs a fistful of your hair, while looking down into your sparkling, yet red and hooded eyes. Just as you bite the skin beneath his belly button, he throws his head back with a deep growl. “I feel like I’m in the sky, babe.”

You just laugh while making your way downwards, licking and kissing his thick thighs, lightly scratching the skin with her nails. “I love your thighs, E.” “And I love your wet little pussy on them, Y/N. But first of all, I want this pretty mouth of yours”, you know how much Ethan loves blowjobs, he seems to enjoy them as much as sex and you enjoy them too – having all this power over Ethan, making him squirm and shiver under your touch while hearing him moan your name is what makes you so needy for his cock. But as much as you likes him in your mouth, you’re such a sucker for teasing, slowly bringing his blood to a boil while Ethan gets almost angry at you. Just as you begins to kitten lick his shaft while slowly massaging his balls, he grabs your cheeks and makes you look at him. “What did I tell you, Y/N? No. Fucking. Teasing”, with that, he shoves you back down right onto his dick, listening to your gagging sounds while grinning. “That’s my girl, c’mon”, he lays back down but keeps looking at you swallowing his penis like a goddess. His groans turn into moans, sweat drips down his forehead and he feels like all his muscles were getting sore from tensing them. You look up to him here and there, but keep focused on what’s in your mouth, trying to reach every inch of skin, tasting whatever he was giving you. “’m close, princess. Now gimme a taste of your pretty little flower down there”, Ethan rolls both of you, giving the love of his live a quick peck before laying between your legs, not hesitating in diving right in. He kisses your folds, nibbling on the sensitive skin and uses his long fingers to collect your juices before sucking the sweetness off them. Your fingers run through his soft hair, grabbing a few locks to tug on. Yet another growl leaves his throat before he softly bites into the most sensitive spot. His name leaves your lips more than once, while he keeps teasing you here and there, not really trying to build up an orgasm, more like giving you as much please as possible without you being worn out afterwards. “E, please. Let me cum”, you keep pressing your pussy onto his face, wanting more than what he was currently giving you. “Let me come or start fucking me, but you can’t keep doing this with me, please”, you whine, trying to get anything from him. “You wanna cum, babe? C’mon, use me. Make yourself come. Grind down onto my face, beautiful. I know how much you love that”, he holds out his tongue, nuzzles his nose into you and lets you do whatever you desire. “My god, E, you’re killing me”, you grab another fistful of his silky hair, just to press him right into your folds, almost slamming onto his pretty face, spreading your juices all over him – what a joy to kiss him later – as you feel the orgasm build up. “Yes, E. Keep your tongue there, babe.” You close your eyes, practically seeing stars dancing around, while bringing yourself to an end just as Ethan inserts two of his fingers into you.

You glare down at him, wanting to punch the smirk off his face. “That was rude, E. I hope you’ll fuck me good. Otherwise I’ll have Gray to do so”, you flip over, kneeling on all fours in front of him, slowly wiggling your ass. “C’mon, E. Show me what you’ve got.” Ethan didn’t know what to say at this point, he was getting kinda angry, but you being so commanding was a huge turn on. The weed in his system makes him think way slower, he didn’t want it to be over yet, he wanted to fuck you long and good, trying out every position and place he could. Otherwise, his dick was throbbing, and he knew he couldn’t handle it much longer, not with the view of this perfectly round ass in front of his face. He gives them a quick slap, watching the cheeks jiggle in front of him before directly pushing into you. “Never even think about Grayson while you’re in bed with me, Y/N. You know that. There’s no comparison between us when it comes to sex”, his thrusts get deeper and faster, his entire body was on fire, he was light headed and as soon as he closed his eyes, he felt everything to much more intense.

You on the other hand were about to come again the second he entered you. He was pounding into you without mercy, sending you straight to cloud 9. You couldn’t think about anything else besides his large hands on your hips, his thick cock entering you again and again and his growls next to your ear, making you wish the moment could last forever. You felt the infamous knot in your stomach before grabbing one of his hands for support. “Let go, angel. I’ll be there soon”, he coos in your ear while speeding up. “Fuck, E!”, you let out a high-pitched moan before almost collapsing in his touch. Ethan releases right after you, pressing feather-like kisses onto you back, while massaging the tender skin. “I think we should get high more often, Y/N.” His angel laughs, before pressing a kiss to his cheek. “But first, we need more cookies.”

#ethandolan #ethan dolan #ethangrantdolan #ethan grant dolan #graysondolan #grayson dolan #graysonbaileydolan #grayson bailey dolan #dolantwins #dolan twins #dolansmut #dolantwinssmut #dolan twins smut #smut #ethan #ethandolanimagine #ethan dolan fanfic #dolan twins fanfic #masterlist

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gendry-waters-fanatic · 5 years

Text

Just a little snippet of a story that my friend is writing for me, and I decided to turn it into a small Gendrya modern AU (with my friend’s permission, of course) So hope you enjoy! Credit for the story to @speedysoulkitten

It had been about a week since move-in-day. Jeyne had moved in with us as well for the summer and things were going swimmingly. Knowing both Gendry and Anguy were living in the apartment directly below us had been alarming at first, but I think I’d pretty much relaxed, even if my footsteps were a little softer than usual.

Jeyne, Sansa, and I had all started our respective summer employments. I was working at a vet clinic to get some experience working with animals. I needed all the experience I could get before applying to vet school.

I had just arrived back at the apartment after a nine-hour shift at the clinic.

“Hey, anybody home?” I called. My only answer was the sound of the shower running downstairs. Jeyne was probably out getting take-out Chinese like we’d planned earlier that day and Sansa must have had her headphones on. I headed down to our room. Sure enough she was sitting at the desk we shared with her back to me and muffled Twenty One Pilots playing from her earbuds. I tiptoed up behind her so she didn’t notice my approach.

“Boo!” I yelled and grabbed her shoulders. Sansa jumped and nearly fell out of her desk chair.

“Arya!” She popped out an earbud and glared at me, clearly still recovering from her shock. “How dare you.”

I couldn’t help but snicker a little. She’d done the same thing to me yesterday. “Payback,” I smiled wickedly. Then back in my normal voice, “I’m gonna change so turn back around.”

She squinted her eyes with playful irritation and stuck her tongue out at me before swiveling back and putting in her earbud again. Standing so she couldn’t see my reflection in her laptop screen, which she was now using to scroll through fanfiction, I changed into some comfy end-of the-day clothes. Gosh it felt good to be rid of that bra.

Finishing pulling a t-shirt over my head I asked, “Hey, Jeyne’s out getting Chinese, right?”

No response. Her earbuds were quietly emitting Panic! At the Disco now, which meant that she 1. Was listening way too loudly if I could hear it and 2. She wasn’t going to hear a word I said. I figured I would just leave her to her music and quietly left the room, closing the door behind me.

I headed down the hall to the living room/kitchen area, planning to play some Legend of Zelda until Jeyne got back with dinner.

A couple paces down the hallway I slowed to a stop. I could hear music again. Not Sansa’s emo songs. Her headphones were still keeping her blissfully oblivious to the world around her.

No, this sounded like someone singing. I crept down the hallway listening curiously. I tracked the sound to a vent low on the wall. Someone was singing in the shower downstairs. I realized I knew the song: The Sound of Silence. I sat down next to the vent curious at the strange occurrence. And, leaning against the wall, I listened.

The song went slowly, liltingly through the lyrics. The familiar words lulled me into a trance as they always did. The voice, soft but clear, was a sorrowful lament of silence. I listened peacefully to the voice that was like silk over water.

As the song progressed the voice grew stronger, more passionate. The man, for I realized it was a man’s voice, sung without reserve, allowing his words to echo through the vent, filling my hallway with the lyrics of a beloved song I had grown up hearing, grown up singing. And so, I began to sing along.

“Fools said I, you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words so I might teach you

Take my arm so I might reach you

The voice hesitated. I stopped as well, listening.”

A few moments passed, then I continued.

“But my words, like silent raindrops fell…” I kept singing, savoring the notes. After a couple lines, the voice joined me again.

As we sang our voices rose and fell together, twining around the words of the familiar melody, adding new depth to a song that I’d known for years. Each verse, each line, each word came alive with our harmony. Our voices, his smooth and strong, mine sweet and clear, wove through the lyrics, filling the space with our duet.

When the song came to an end, I sat quietly with my back leaning against the wall, my head tilted back towards the ceiling. The silence made the hallway feel empty. The only sound was the shower water running downstairs. Then that stopped.

I sat up. There was some rustling and bumping as the person got out of the shower. Half a minute later an apartment door banged open downstairs.

I jumped up.

Please don’t come up the stairs.

Footsteps raced down the hallway and up the stairs.

Oh Sh*t

A knock sounded at the front door. I stared at it, not breathing, not moving to answer it.

The knock sounded again.

After a moment I nervously forced my legs to walk. Oh, why did I have to sing? I should have just been quiet! I thought, as I went to answer the door. Now some random person thinks I’m stalking them. Well it’s not my fault I heard them singing. Apartment buildings have thin walls after all. He should have known better.Then another thought occurred to me. Oh gosh what if it’s Gendry.

Now truly mortified that Gendry might be the one who’s private shower-singing-session I’d intruded on, I hesitated. Then, telling myself to suck it up, I turned the nob and opened the door.

Standing outside my door, dripping wet, was Gendry. My eyes widened in a mixture of horror and then utter shock. He was only wearing a towel.

“Hey, was that you singing just now?” He asked, bright and excited. “You sounded amazing!”

He went on talking about how much he loved to sing, but rarely did in front of other people, but how when he heard my beautiful voice, he couldn’t help but sing along. There was such excitement in his voice as he talked about singing and he barely stopped for breath.

The whole while I was in a daze, positively overwhelmed by the situation. He was talking to me, complementing me.

Before I could respond, the front door of the apartment building opened and Jeyne came in. She paused halfway up the stairs staring at us with wide eyes.

“Uh,” she said, then blinking away her initial surprise she climbed the rest of the stares and joined us at the apartment door. “I brought the food,” she said. It was clear that she wasn’t really sure how to handle the situation of finding her roommate standing in their doorway talking with her near-naked Crush.

“Great!” Sansa said from right behind me.

“Geez!” I jumped. “Sansa how did you-? How long have you been there?” I demanded irritably.

She offered me a knowing grin and patted me on the shoulder, “Just long enough.” Turning to address the still standing there Gendry, she said, “Hey Gendry, you want to join us for dinner?” Then she added with a oh-so-sweet smile, “I can lend you a pair of shorts”

Gendry looked down at himself, then back up. He looked like he way about to politely refuse, and I was all really to feel relieved at getting out of this awkward situation, when Jeyne spoke up.

“We’re playing Guitar Hero while we eat. You like that game don’t you Gendry?”

Gendry’s eyebrows rose. He actually seemed a little interested. And that was enough for Sansa.

“Come on! It’ll be fun!” She reached out and grabbed his arm, dragging him through the door and into the apartment.

Hope y’all enjoyed that really short au. I don’t know if it makes a lot of sense, but I enjoyed it and wanted to share it with you guys.

#gendrya #Gendry Waters #not gendry waters anymore #Gendry Baratheon #game of thrones #Arya Stark #arya x gendry #ship #got #got modern au #modern au #fanfic #Sansa Stark #jeyne poole

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liveoutimagination · 5 years

Text

Better Me, Better You pt. I - Bob Morley Imagine

requested: no word count: 2618 warnings: mention of mental illness pairing: fem!reader x bob morley

summary: y/n, the daughter of a wealthy family, sees a therapist for a while now. whenever she’s there, she runs into this one guy. after a while, they started talking to each other between their appointments until one day, he asks her to grab a drink together. y/n, who isn’t much into tv shows and celebrities in general, prefers spending her time drawing. that’s why she doesn’t even realize who she is spending her time with.

A/N: first time writing 2nd person, but i thought i should give it a try. also - this series is going to turn quite dark as it continues. just a warning beforehand, so you can prepare yourself for it. after all, mental illness is a core element of the story. also, nevermind the misspellings and stuff. Y/NN - your nickname

feedback is welcome! also, feel free to hmu if you want to be added to the tag-list for the next part, so you won’t miss it. prompts & requests are currently open!

It was clear as day – the tension sitting in the back of your neck, digging deeper into your flesh and bones. Yet it was nothing new to you. In fact, you got quite used to it over the past years. After all, that was one of the reasons you were sitting on these stone-cold stairs, gazing in abstraction, the coffee in your hands almost completely cooled down.

As most times you had been way too early for your weekly appointment with Dr. Ainsley. It became quite the habit within the past few months – ever since your parents arranged the first meeting with the middle-aged therapist. You still remember the argument you had back then like it was yesterday.

You didn't even live at home anymore and yet they still couldn't help but interfere with your life. While the reasonable part of you could fully understand their motives, you had never been one to keep their cool. Actually, it was quite the opposite. No matter how big or small – as soon as something got to you, your emotions took control. It had been this way since you were young and while you were pretty sure it was due to the lack of shown feelings in your family, your parents never seemed like giving proper thought to it.

Taking a sip from your coffee, you creased your face into a frown. The well-known question whether your parents thought showing affection was the same as giving you money came to your mind. Since you grew up in a material world, it didn't seem that far off the reality. But even though you were curious about an answer, by now you had given up on ever receiving one.

A sigh escaped your lips, letting your head fall back against the wall. Why were you even sitting here? Not like, here in general but still outside? You knew very well you could waste your time inside the building. Another sigh, another sip as you closed your eyes for a brief moment.

“Impressive. You haven't even been in there and yet you're already exhausted?”, a male voice reached your ears.

“Yeah, why wait? Wanna cross that off my list as soon as possible.” You replied, your eyes still closed.

You knew exactly who just left the building. Even without looking you saw his curly dark hair and brown eyes right in front of you. It'd been weeks since you first met and while you didn't pay much attention to each other at first, you soon realized your appointments were almost always at the same day, which is why after a while you started talking to each other. Yet you never changed any important information so far.

Eventually opening your eyes again, you gave him a tired yet encouraging smile.

“Didn't go that well, huh?”, you said as you got a glance at his face.

The expression he gave you made any comment superfluous, which was probably the reason he only shook his head as he sat down next to you.

“She's in a nasty mood today. So you better prepare yourself.”, he exclaimed in a sigh, leaning back as well. Rubbing his eyes, before stopping at the back of his nose.

“Great. Can't wait.”, you replied sarcastically, emptying your cup in one sip.

Slowly standing up, you stretched a little.

“Well, I better get going then. Wouldn't want to provoke her by being late, now would I?”

“Probably not.”

He sounded tired, not as cheerful as you had known him before. This time surely got him and you couldn't help the feeling of anxiety spreading in your whole body as you wondered if you'd feel the same once you were done.

After throwing your cup into the bin a few steps away from the entrance, you took a deep breath, hand placed at the door handle.

“See you next week.” You addressed him, as you pushed the door open.

____________________

He was right. So right, you just should have skipped today's appointment. You brows were in a constant frown, even after you left the room and took a moment to gather yourself in the waiting room. Pulling your hair back, you stretched your neck, searching your purse for your headphones. While most time you enjoyed the sound of your environment, right now you couldn't bare anything but your favorite songs.

Leaving the counselors office, you plugged your headphones into your phone, everything good to go once you were outside. Consumed by the thoughts rushing through your mind, you barely paid attention to anything at all, not even after pushing open the front door. You didn't even notice the silhouette moving next to the entrance. Nor did you hear anyone calling out for you. Not until you felt a tap on your shoulder.

You flipped around, more startled than you should have been. Especially once you realized it was the guy from before.

“Whoa...! No one ever told you not to creep up on someone?”, you hissed, your voice more defensive than it was supposed to be.

He rose his hands in defense, an apologetic expression on his face.

“Actually, I've been calling you a few times.”, he added, a little laughter following.

Apparently, your roles switched. Now you were the one too weary to even bring up the courage to smile, why you only shrugged your shoulders.

“Whatever. What are you still doing here?”, you asked, barely interested in the answer.

You just wanted to get home, be by yourself and ignore everything and everyone. You would have given anything just so you could...

“Waiting for you.”, he interrupted your thoughts, catching you off guard and causing you to narrow your eyes to slits – looking at him skeptically.

“Why?”, you responded harshly.

He let out a sigh, before scratching his neck.

“Let's say I had a feeling you wouldn't feel that peachy. Thought you could need a drink when you're done?”, he explained, giving you a little smile.

“You do realize it's only afternoon...” One of your eyebrows raised as you were about to explain that it was way too early for a drink when you changed your mind within a matter of seconds.

“You know what? Screw that. Count me in. Where are we going?”

You got in motion before you could change your mind. As if he could sense it, he followed your lead, soon catching up to you.

“I can't actually go somewhere public so...” “Why's that?”, you interrupted him, completely forgetting about your manners.

That was if you even had some – like your parents often would say. Another wave of anger rose, even though you only thought about them a split second. Yes, today's session definitely got to you.

“Are you serious? I can't just... Forget about that. I just don't feel like surrounding myself with tons of people right now and I'm sure the same goes for you.”

Without even turning your head, you eyed him for a moment. Even without looking at him properly, you could tell his sudden change of mind, yet you were too preoccupied with your own worries to dig deeper into the topic.

“Fine with me. My place isn't far from here. Private enough?”

You didn't even take a moment to reconsider what you just offered. You barely knew this guy and yet you invited him to your place? Usually, you even argued with your friends and family if one of them wanted to come around and yet you were completely fine with some stranger invading your private space.

“You sure about that?”, he asked and you could feel his deep brown eyes resting on you.

Shrugging yet again, you mended your pace.

“As long as you are with gin and tonic or beer.”, you stated, making it clear you didn't have anything else to offer once you were there.

“Sure. Next time's my treat then.”

You frowned as you couldn't help but wonder if he really expected you two to hang out after today again. After all, you were pretty sure this was only a one-time thing – a chance for both of you to get your mind off literally everything.

____________________

“Home, sweet home!”

You stepped into your apartment, leaving the door open so he could follow you.

“Don't mind the mess. I didn't really any visitors today.”, you explained, slipping out of your shoes.

“No need to worry. Didn't come here to judge you.”, he said in an understanding tone after he closed the door behind him.

“Yeah, you say that now. Anyway, I'm going to slip into something more comfy. What do you want to drink? I'm getting a g and t.” With that you crossed the room, opening the door to your left, before heading to the one at the end of the floor.

“Make it two.”, he responded.

“Gotcha. Living room's that way. Make yourself at home.”, you explained, pointing at the door you just opened seconds ago before disappearing into your bedroom.

That's when it first hit you. There was a stranger, a guy, in your living room. A random dude you met at your therapist's. You didn't know anything about this dude. Why did you think it was a bright idea to bring some stranger who clearly had some issues over to your place.

“You're not going to kill me, are you?”, you raised your voice, trying to push your plausible worries aside as you changed into something more comfortable than the fashionable outfit you wore in public just so no one your family knew would see you in anything unworthy your social rank. Wearing your favorite shorts and a loosely fitting top, you left your bedroom within minutes.

“You're only thinking about that now? Isn't it a bit too late for that? I mean, even if I wanted to kill you – there isn't much you could do about that now, is there?”, he said the moment you entered the living room. He stood in the other side of the room, looking right at some of your drawings and while you felt a rush of shame manifesting as soft red on your cheeks, you remained quiet about it.

“Yeah, probably right, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. Just n case you're an honest serial killer, you know?”, you joked halfhearted, taking a few steps towards the counter, which separated the kitchen from the living room.

You heard him laugh for a moment. “No, you're safe. I didn't plan on killing you... not today anyway.”, which made you chuckle in return.

On your way, you took two glasses, before you placed them said counter. The next moment you were already gathering everything needed for your drinks.

“Well, that sure as hell sounds reassuring.”, you laughed dryly. “Cucumber? Yay or nay?”, you added as you cut a few sliced or your own drink.

“Nay on that.”, he responded and for a second you were sure he was copying you.

Pushing the sudden wave of insecurity aside, you nodded, not even sure whether or not he could see your reaction.

Both glasses in hands, you walked back into the living room, taking a seat at your sofa. He must have heard your steps, since it didn't take long for him to join you, accepting the glass you handed him the moment he sat down. For a moment you both fell quite as you noticed him eyeing you up and down. Well, no surprise since it was the first time he saw you wearing something other than those fancy clothes you wore whenever you ran into each other so far. While you tried to figure out what the expression he gave you meant, you couldn't help but wonder whether he was disappointed. Not that it mattered anyway. Sure, he was incredibly handsome and some part of you felt attracted to his appearance, but what would it change if you freaked out about something so trivial? Nothing. Which is exactly, why you shook your head to scare your thoughts away before averting your glance and clearing your throat.

“By the way... “, you began as you were about to take a sip. “What should I call you? Or are you just fine with my friendly neighborhood psychopath?”, you asked, the hint of a smile on your lips.

Raising the glass to your lips, you had a sip, your eyes turning back at him. Something that felt like confusion mirrored in his eyes, as he regarded you intently.

“The name's Robert, but I usually go by Bob or Bobby.”, he eventually responded, still a skeptical look on his face.

Nodding, you slowly leaned back, pulling your legs up to sit cross-legged, facing his direction.

“Alright, although I think... Yep, I'm going to call you Rob. Or would you prefer Bert?” you said jokingly, your smile becoming clearer this time. For a second he pursed his lips before letting out a brief sigh.

“If you really have to, I'd prefer Rob.”, he responded, one brow raised.

“Perfect! I'm Y/N, but my friends call me Y/NN.”, you replied grinning.

“So, Y/NN.”

“Oh okay, so we friends now?”, you kept joking.

“Well, who else would you invite to your place?”

“No one, duh!”

“Meaning we're best friends?” Bobby gave you a little smile, teasing you as well.

“Getting there quickly, aren't we? But sure, fine with me, mate.”, you played along – obviously enjoying the light conversation you were having.

“Great! Now, since that's settled… ”, he said, taking a gulp himself before leaning back.

“Wow. You feeling this terrible, you can't even enjoy a drink?”, you teased him.

“You have no idea! But are you sure you wanna talk about this of all things?”

Shaking your head, you pursed your lips. “Hell, no! As far as I'm concerned, that's been enough therapy for a lifetime.”

“Makes two of us.”, he agreed. “So, Y/NN, tell me about you. What do you do for fun?”

“Nothing much to be honest. Just playing video games and... “, your eyes turned back at the pictures across the room. “... drawing, kinda.”, you finished, insecurity in your voice. While it was your passion, you felt insecure about it especially since your parents were anything but supportive about it. This time you were the one who took a generous gulp.

“What about you? Anything more exciting?”, you added quickly, nervous laughter on your lips, hoping to avoid getting deeper into topic.

Shaking his head, the corners of his lips drew the ghost of a smile. “Unfortunately not. My life's pretty busy, so I'm glad if I have a few days off to relax.” For a brief moment, he turned quiet until realizing he didn't give you much of an answer. “Though I do love my job. Also, count me in on the video games.”, he smiled.

“Then...”, you began, as you placed your glass on the table in front of you before standing up, “...we got ourselves something to do.”, you grinned, walking towards your TV and consoles.

“You fine with Rayman? You can pick the next.”, you asked while getting your PlayStation 4 ready.

“Sounds perfect!”, Bobby agreed as you handed him the second controller over. “I loved playing it when I was younger.”

“Yush, same here. Takes me back to the days.” you said, a warm smile on your lips. Only seconds later you started the game.

#bob morley imagine #bob morley x reader #bob morley imagines #the 100 cast imagine #the 100 imagine #female reader #fem!reader #reader insert #bellamy blake imagine #my stuff

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raiswriting · 6 years

Text

it sucks part two

a/n : please read part one before this

warnings: one instance of profanity

genre: angsty fluff

pairing: jaehyun x reader

summary: after a drunken confession the reader and jaehyun must face one another the next morning (im sorry I suck at summaries)

word count: exactly 2.3k (once again I got really carried away djskdh)

“i love you too jaehyun…”

i stood up and left his room. the door quietly shutting behind me.

“…more than you’ll ever know.”

as i found my way through my apartment and into my bathroom, my mind was oddly quiet. no racing thoughts. no overwhelming feelings. just an odd calmness. i peeled the remainder of my clothes off before stepping into the shower. this calmness wasn’t founded in assurance, instead in confusion. i didn’t know what he meant, he could have simply been showing appreciation as a best friend or confessing his feelings for me. either way, there would be no way of finding out tonight so why worry about it. my mind was too tired to think and this can be a conversation for the morning over breakfast. after getting out of my shower, i managed to throw on a fresh set of pajamas and sink into a blissfully warm bed.

i had woken up alone in my own bed again. strangely cold despite the layers i was covered in. and lonely even in these groggy moments the silence echoing in the room was deafening. my clock read 10:37. i should probably go check on jaehyun. after dragging myself through the process of looking decent, i made two cups of coffee. luckily we took it the same way, drowning in creamer and sugar. enough to be sickeningly sweet to anyone else but perfect for us. while allowing the drinks to cool slightly i decided to text him and let him know im on my way.

y/n 10.58 – hey loser unlock your door im on my way over with coffee

jaejae 10.59 – you are a godsend, consider it done

i grabbed the mugs and headed over. i clearly didn’t think ahead because i was greeted with the task of trying to open door handles while simultaneously trying to not spill coffee all over myself. once i had managed to get out of my apartment and into his, a new fear quickly settled in. confrontation. i would have to talk to him about what was said last night. jaehyun clearly said he loved me. if he remembered what happened last night then we’d obviously have to talk about it, which could end 2 ways. but if he didn’t remember then i’d have to wonder what he meant forever. Both options seem fucking terrifying but there was no turning back now, i am already at his bedroom door.

“knock knock,” i said softly as i pushed open his door. there he lay, only half awake and on his phone. he looked absolutely unreal. wrapped in a hoodie and blankets up to his chin. hair tousled, wavy and sticking up in all directions. his glasses sat low on his nose as his gaze glanced over them and up at me. a small smile graced his lips despite his eyes looking tired.

as i close his door i finally hear his voice, “good morning y/n.” you have to be kidding me. i have heard his raspy, sleep coated voice almost every day yet it still has an effect on me. my throat goes dry and i stumble over my words.

“morning, umm, here is your coffee.” i hand him the mug and take a seat at the end of his bed furthest away from him as i sip my own. i let the warmth from the coffee spread throughout me before looking back up at him. in that moment he closes his eyes and lets out a sigh.

“how are you feeling jaehyun?”

his eyes sluggishly looked over at me. “much better than i would’ve been thanks to you. thanks for getting me here and taking care of me.”

i nervously sipped my coffee and nodded. “of course. what was i gonna do leave you on the lawn of some frat house.”

he warmly chuckled. “is that really where you picked me up?”

oh no. he doesn’t remember last night. no. i didn’t know i’d hate this so much.

“haha yeah. do you not remember?” please. remember something. please remember what we talked about.

“bits and pieces not much to be honest. i remember you promising me breakfast, which you don’t really have to do by the way-“

“no no no. i promised so i’ll take you if you’re feeling up for it.” but it’d be kinda awkward if you didn’t remember what you said.

“okay, okay. umm what else?” he tapped his mug in concentration. “oh yeah! i didn’t remember it at first but then i saw your sweater in the trash. so i am really really sorry for throwing up on you. you can have one of mine or i can buy you a new one because i really do feel really bad.”

i could see the sorrow in his eyes. he looked like a puppy who got in trouble for destroying a slipper.

“oh jaehyun don’t even worry about it. i was just worried about you. you haven’t gotten that drunk in a long time and i just wanted you to be safe.” i took another sip of my coffee. my hands were shaking slightly. he still hasn’t mentioned it. he really did forget.

even though my eyes stayed glued to my mug, i could feel his on me. after a few seconds, i glanced up at him. i couldn’t tell the emotion in his eyes. his mask had gone back up. he moved over slightly and patted the bed next to him. when i gave him a confused look, jae only patted it more aggressively. so i moved from my comfy little spot on the far corner of his bed to the top, next to him. like directly next to him. as in i could feel the warmth radiating off of his body type of closeness. i could feel the heat rising up my neck, painting my skin a nice deep red. my coffee was getting dangerously low and soon i would no longer be able to use it as an excuse to not talk.

“y/n.” he finally broke the silence and i only hummed in response. i could feel his intense gaze looking directly at me. my own was focused on my mug, suddenly the marble pattern on the side was very interesting. before i was able to commit each swirl to memory, it was taken from my hands and both mugs were placed on the nightstand. jaehyun turned back to me and i had no other choice than to face him.

“y/n. we need to talk.” nope. i can’t do this. you know what, i’m still young. i could always leave right now, move away, maybe change my name. i heard new mexico is nice this time of year.

“i meant what i said last night” the second those words left his mouth, my eyes widened and met his.

“i really am sorry.” oh. that’s what he remembered.

i cleared my throat kind of awkwardly, “i know you are, jaehyun. and i hope you remember when i told you that you have nothing to be sorry for.”

he sighed deeply while pushing his glasses higher on his nose. “but that’s the thing. yes i do so please just let me get this off my chest.” silently i nodded and let him continue.

“look i know this friendship isn’t always easy and it has been especially rough these past few weeks. you don’t deserve that. i keep putting myself before you, y/n and it isn’t fair,” he turned, even more, to completely face me, so i did the same. “you have your own life to live and you shouldn’t have to worry about me 24/7. and i know you’re gonna say ‘jae i really don’t mind’ and that’s exactly it y/n. you always put others before yourself, you always put me before yourself.” his eyes left mine only for a moment to glance at my hands and take them in his. they were warm, which wasn’t surprising. they matched the rest of him.

“i’m sorry because i never return the favor. i’m sorry because i’m never there for you the way you’re there for me, y/n. you’re my best friend and i don’t know where i’d be without you.” his eyes were so intense. suddenly he just pulled my into a hug, burying my head into his shoulder, as his words echoed throughout my mind.

you’re my best friend

he really doesn’t remember. maybe he didn’t even mean it. maybe it was just a slip of the tongue. just a drunken moment.

a shakey sigh leaves my lips as i tilt my head towards his ear.

“jae.” y/n can do this. “you are one of the most important people in my life. i care about you so much and i just want you to be healthy and happy.” even if it isn’t with me. “so of course i accept your apology, even if you don’t have much to apologize for.” this hurts. so much more than i thought it would. my head hurts. my throat hurts. my heart hurts. but he can’t know. unfortunately, my body betrays me as a few tears fall and i begin to sniffle.

jaehyun presses a kiss to the top of my head before pulling away and wiping my tears.

“hey, hey. everything is gonna be okay. go ahead and let it out, i’ll be here for you. forever and always.”

i let out a pathetic laugh that sounded more like a sob. “so now you’re quoting me huh?” wait. how could he quote something i said last night if he could barely remember throwing up on me. “i guess you’re memory from last night isn’t too far gone.” i sniffled a little, trying to reign it all in, i can cry over sad rom coms tonight but not right now.

his eyes went slightly wide before chuckling lightly. “uh yeah i guess it has been coming back in pieces.”

as much as i wanted him to say it again, sober, and mean it. i also didn’t want it to be when he wasn’t ready. if he remembers what i said then he knows I feel the same and he’ll tell me when he’s ready.

even though i know that, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. and it still doesn’t eliminate to the possiblity of him not meaning it.

quickly i try to change the subject. “so do you wanna get dressed, we can go out for breakfast,” i glance down at my watch, 11:49. “well it’s more like lunch but it’s the same sentiment.” i chuckle softy trying desperately to lighten the mood.

“yeah let’s do it. if you want you can grab a sweater out of my closet.”

i smiled at him before getting off of his bed and heading to his closet. i already knew what sweater I was getting. it was plain grey but it was the softest material I had ever felt in my life. I remember the first time he had let me borrow it.

...

we had only been neighbors for a few months but we had a few classes together. it was the coldest week of the year and my heater just had to break. he was coming over for a quick study session when he was confronted with my 50-degree apartment.

“goodness y/n. why do you have the air on in here?” he quickly pulled his own sweater tighter around himself.

my teeth chattered slightly. “i don’t. my heater is broken and won’t be fixed until next week.”

“you’re kidding me.” his eyes were opened wide in disbelief when i shook my head.

“well grab your stuff you can come over to my place and I’ll give you a much warmer sweater to wear.”

i couldn’t find it in me to argue so I gathered my things and followed him to his place. the warmth was inviting. he quickly disappeared around the hall as i set my stuff on the living room table. he came back holding a large grey sweater that looked enticing.

“here you go. i hope it’s warm enough. you can keep it with you until your heater gets fixed.” he handed it to me, his eyes fixed to the floor.

“thanks.” quickly i discarded my flimsy, too thin sweater and replaced it with his. immediately i was entranced with the smell of the hoodie. it was probably his cologne. i was intoxicated with it. vanilla. raspberry. and a burning fireplace. for some reason, the scent matched who his personality perfectly. it was inviting and warm. it felt safe. like home.

when I finally looked up at him there was a small smile on his face.

“you look cute.”

my cheeks flushed red. “so do you want to start with english?” i plopped myself down on the couch ignoring his slight chuckle at my attempt to change the topic of conversation.

“sure let’s do it.” he sat beside me. too close yet not close enough. i craved his presence to be nearer while simultaneously wanting him to sit on the other chair in the room.

...

when he saw what i had brought out he shook his head incredulously.

“of course. i knew you’d take that one.”

“you know it’s my favorite,” i quickly pulled it over my head, “but for some reason it feels softer when I steal it from you.”

we chuckled together while i put my shoes back on.

“wait where are you going?” he called out to me as i passed his bed.

“well we need to go get some lunch. I need to grab my keys and wallet. i’ll be right back. you can start getting dressed while i’m gone.”

i reached for his bedroom door. but his voice stopped me in my tracks. my hand gripping the knob. knuckles turning white.

“oh okay. i love you, see you in a bit.”

part three

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avengers2k18 · 6 years

Text

It Was Always You - Steve Rogers Part 1

Words - 1090

Requested - None

Warnings - none

Description - You’re in love with Steve and Get taken by Hydra

Follow for more Imagines! x

You woke up this morning to the sound of birds chirping outside. You let out a quiet groan opened your eyes, blinking a few times, adjusting to the bright sunlight that was coming through the curtains. I rolled my body over burying my face in the pillow trying to get back to sleep. After a minute or so of just laying there, I sigh in defeat and rise from the warm bed, shivering slightly at the loss of warmth. I grab my silk bathrobe and wrap it tightly around my body, grabbing the handle of my bedroom door and head to the kitchen to make myself and Steve some breakfast.

Steve was currently staying at my place since the Avengers facility was being remodelled, I didn't mind, Steve is one of my best friends. Although as each day passes by I fall deeper in love with him. I’m 100 percent sure that he only sees me as a friend because he always calls me buddy.

I turn on my coffee machine and pull out two mugs, I also put some eggs and bacon in a pan and onto the stove. “Morning” Steve says as he strolls into the kitchen. “Morning, good sleep?” I say as I pass him a cup of coffee. “Great, your guest bed is super comfy, what about you?”, “Yeah, same as usual”. I grab two plates and prepare the breakfast and set them on my breakfast bar, taking a seat beside Steve. He’s reading yesterdays newspaper, I watch him as he’s concentrated on reading, I can’t help but stare at his perfectly sculpted cheekbones and his thick eyelashes, “Hello Y/N?” Steve chuckled waving a hand in my face, “What” I blurted embarrassed that I was caught staring. “You okay?, You seem out of it today,” Steve asks, “Yeah I’m fine just tired that’s all” I reassure him. I've got to get my feelings sorted.

~~~

I decided to talk to Natasha after our training session maybe she could give me some advice. I grunted as Nat had pinned me down for the hundredth time. she smiled in victory and extended out a hand to me and pulled me up. “Everything okay?” she asks worriedly. You and Nat had been friends ever since Tony introduced the two of you. She always knew when something was bothering you. You both sat down on the bench in the corner. “I have a big problem” I blur out, Her eyes widen in fear, “Are you okay, Is something wrong?” Natasha panics pouring out a million questions a one. “Im fine, its nothing to worry about” I assure her. “Okay then what is it?” she leans forward in anticipation.

“I love Steve”, I simply say. “You do?!, since when?” She says in excitement, “Im not sure, It just hit me one day that I was in love with him” I can’t help but smile, “So what’s the problem?” Nat says puzzled. “He doesn't love me back and I need help getting over it”, “How do you know”, “Because he calls me buddy and he never shows any sign of attraction and It doesn't feel like he does” I state honestly, “Maybe you should meet someone new like go on a date?” Nat suggests, “I don't know,” I say unsure, “Come one, I know some single guys and you did say you wanted to get over Steve”, she defends, “Okay fine, I’ll go on a date” I sigh in defeat.

Weeks went by and you had been on a few dates of some of the guys Natasha had suggested, they all were sweet and attractive guys just like Nat had said, but the only problem was that none of them was Steve. I kept comparing them and to what Steve would have said or did. I don’t know how im going to get over him if he’s all I think about. It also did help that Steve was being extra sweet the week, by making dinner or making me laugh or blush more than usual. Steve was out on a mission today with Sam to a hidden hyrda base. I got dressed in my gym clothes that morning for another training session with Natasha. I threw on a jacket and was out the door.

As I was walking down a shortcut to where Nat and I were going to train, I noticed the area was awfully quiet, I looked around feeling slightly scared as I continued to walk faster. Suddenly I felt a presence behind me, I quickly spun around, ready to defend myself, when I spun around I came face to face with 2 men I quickly notice the hyrda patch on their uniform, my eyes widened in fear. The two men launched for you, you threw the first punch and kicking the other, both men stumble back but recover quickly, you attacked again but this time he grabs my arm first twisting it behind me as the other man grabs my legs, I wrestle back trying to free myself but both men were too strong, one of them grabs my head and turns it towards them holding it in place as I feel a needle insert in to my skin, suddenly you felt dizzy as darkness soon took over you.

~~~

Natasha sits impatiently in the gym waiting for Y/N who was now 25 minutes late, she’s called her 5 times now but all went straight to voicemail. Nat decides to call Steve hoping he’s back for the Hyrda mission. After a few rings he picks up, Nat sighs in relief, “Hey Steve do you know where Y/N is, we were supposed to train together but its been half an hour and she still hasn’t shown up?” Natasha gasped out, “No I haven’t at all, have you tried calling her?” Steve suggests, “yeah I’ve called her like 8 times but no answer, I’m starting o get worried, what if something happened?” Nat worried, “okay stay there, me and Sam will be right there”

Natasha, Steve and Sam meet outside of the Gym and decided to go to her apartment to see if she is there but as they are walking there, Steve tries to call her phone again, “Wait do you hear that it’s Y/N phone” Sam urges, they walk over to an alleyway and find Y/N’s phone laying on the ground, with a message on the screen saying “We Have Her”.

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supershrinkingviolet · 7 years

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I’m the Thing That Needs To Be Fixed || Self

Today was an awful day to go to therapy.

Violet could feel the pulse of the full moon in her blood, and it made her antsy and frustrated as she often was on this day. Her buttons got pushed so much faster, and that was without adding the fact that therapy had always been one of the biggest button pushers of all for her. So basically, this was about to be a fucking train wreck, and Vi wasn’t entirely sure she’d still have a job after this. What happened if Dr. Hayes didn’t ok her for work after all? Would she have to continue this ‘mandatory evaluation’ for the rest of her life?

Wouldn’t it be ironic if that was what finally drove her to end it all?

No. Stop thinking like that. That’s a bullshit thought and you know it Violet. Just open the damn door, get this over with, and you can put this all behind you. Then you could go back to spending your life the way you always do.

The last few days at work had been uncomfortable. Violet had barely spoken outside of what was explicitly required by whatever case they were working on, and even that had to be dragged out of her. Gardner apparently took the hint and responded in kind. They’d never been particularly chatty or anything, but the change in situation showed exactly how much they had talked before. Or at least sat in companionable silence, instead of a silence humming with everything she was feeling and his frustration.

But her rebellions had never extended far enough to make her stop going to the therapy other people insisted she needed, so she was here right as the clock was striking 11.

It was a pretty enough little place. It looked like a comfortable house, close enough to public transport to make it easy to get around the center of town, far enough away to give a feeling of settled privacy. All the benefits of the city without the noise. It didn’t have the look of a lived in house though, so this was just a more elaborate office. Huh. It probably made people relax. If they were interested in that sort of thing.

She went up to the forest green door and knocked briskly, trying to sound more confident than she actually felt, and less annoyed than she really was. Moments later, the door swung open.

Staring at her was a pretty woman, probably in her 30s if Vi was to take a guess. Her rich brunette hair had something done to it so it seemed to lighten it and make it seem like it shined without actually taking away from the color. Clear chocolate brown eyes stared at her out of a chiseled face that looked like it was from one of the movies Gus was endlessly introducing her to. She was dressed in a very professional deep green dress with a short cream colored jacket over it. All in all, she gave off the impression of stylish and competent, which was probably the goal. She gave a friendly smile and opened the door wider. “You must be Violet Parr. Please, come in. I wasn’t sure if I would see you today since I didn’t hear from you.”

“You said mandatory. I figured it would be worse if I didn’t show up when I was told. Besides, Gardner obviously knew about it, so its not like I’m skipping out on work.”

“Yes of course. Still. Not everyone would put so much stock in the rules.”

“What, is this small talk or are we on the fucking clock already?”

Deliberately, Vi threw in the swear word to see how the other woman would react. It wasn’t professional, but nothing about her outfit was designed to give that impression. Violet was wearing what she thought of as her ‘home’ attire. A black turtleneck was covered up by a ratty old black hoodie that had been washed way too many times to still provide any kind of warmth. The black jeans were worn nearly white at the knees and were pocked by dozens of small tears from wearing them as she wandered around the woods. Her hair was down and half covering her face, and she had her hands firmly in her sweatshirt pockets. Most other people would consider a look like this a risk, especially considering the high stakes of this ‘evaluation’.

Vi saw it as armor.

She’d worn variations on the same outfit to every therapy session she’d ever had, and she saw no point in breaking tradition. After all, therapy was all about babbling your feelings, giving up parts of yourself to be judged by someone else. This way Violet could remind her of who she was. Herself. Only herself, and no one else had any right to that.

But the woman didn’t appear the slightest bit ruffled, only nodding slightly. “Why don’t you come inside, and we can get started. I’m sure you’d rather we finish as quickly as possible.” She stepped back and Vi stepped past her into the house.

The inside gave off that same comfortable professional vibe as the outside and the woman herself. It was all designed to be non-threatening without having the hospital green effect. Comfy chairs, tasteful art, thick carpets that muffled sound. It was supposed to make you relax. For Vi, the recognition of the effect only made her tenser.

Vi dropped into a chair before she could be told to sit, and looked over as Dr. Hayes sat across from her. As always, feeling this uncomfortable and defensive had Vi launching into attack mode before she lost too much control.

“Is there any point to this? I’m sure you’ve read the files all my other therapists have made about me. I doubt they’re going to say anything new. This is a waste of time when I should be working.”

“Actually, I haven’t read any of your other files.”

That made Violet pause. They had always read her files. They always referred to things other people said, or made notes on things to dive in deeper. What did this professional mean she hadn’t looked at them? “What?”

“Oh, I know that you’ve had them. Your relative medical and psychiatric history was passed on to me. But I never like to read other people’s notes. I find it changes how I see the person before I have a chance to form my own opinions – and I rarely agree with other people.” She said all of this in the same pleasant tone she had greeted Vi in, as if the whole thing were of no consequence.

It left Vi feeling off balance, so she hunched slightly in the chair and glared out at her. “Well that’s a load of horse shit. Don’t you all get the same kind of fucking training after all? ‘What’s wrong with this person. How can I fix them. What happened when they were three years old that led to the anxiety attack last week.’ Clear cause and effect as if that matters changes all the messy shit that happens along the way.”

“Maybe. But sometimes two people can look at the same thing and come away with something completely different. Isn’t it like when you’re at work, and Mr. Gardner points out something in a case that you missed?”

“That happens because he’s better trained and has more experience. That’s different.”

“What about when you look at a case and see something he didn’t? Something he missed that you found because you bring something new to the table?”

Violet snorted and shook her head. “Now you’re fucking reaching. I’ve been in the job for 6 months, and the only training I got before that was my DADA class and an interest in mystery novels.”

“So you like to read.”

“Yeah I do, but that has fuck all to do with this.”

“It does?”

“Of course it does! I’m not reading books at my desk. Criminals don’t get caught because Agatha Christie wrote interesting locked door mysteries, and Sherlock Holmes’s methods are only good if you’re him because he always fucking tricks you. What the fuck has this to do with anything?”

“I told you, I like to make my own opinions. This helps tell me a little more about you.”

“Oh yeah? And what do you know about me?” Vi’s voice whipped out, challenging the woman. If she was going to be so bloody cool, she could do something to prove it. Prove that she was the fancy shit she thought she was.

Quietly, Dr. Hayes looked at her for a moment. Then she crossed her fingers and began. “You’re a young woman who’s been disappointed so many times, its become easier to attack first rather than risk hoping for something better. You have a very low opinion of therapists, and considering you never kept one for more than a few months, I’d say you made it a point to be difficult in all your therapy sessions. You didn’t want them, so you weren’t going to let them help. But, you still went to each of them which tells me you have a deep appreciation for rules and structure. You have a history of self harm and symptoms of malnutrition, which tells me that you have struggled with depression for a quite some time.

You like to read, so it is clearly not people as a whole you dislike, just people with the potential to hurt you, because you assume that they will. Also, the people in books can’t be let down by you, and so they are inherently safer company. But, you have become an auror, and your work matters to you. You want to do it well, and any hint of something otherwise feels like a much deeper failure. So, each case isn’t a purely intellectual problem for you. It’s a human problem. Just like your interest in books, your interest in these cases shows a deep valuing of human life you don’t know how to handle when combined with the lack of respect you have for your own.

You clearly respect Mr. Gardner on a professional level, and you value his opinion. Yet, while you kept the appointment, you aren’t willing to be cooperative with the therapist he recommended to you. So once again, you have a deep dislike for therapy, which seems out of touch with the respect you have for people and emotions otherwise. That says its something particular about being here that bothers you.”

She paused as Violet stared at her, completely tensed and frozen as the words washed over her. How? How had she gotten all that from a few words? How had she seen so much when Violet tried to give her so little? “How the fuck did you figure all that out?”

“Because while I didn’t read the reports, I can see the dates on your therapy attendance. Because I paid attention to the casual affection you use when talking about books, the admiration for Mr. Gardner, and the casual dismissal you use of yourself. So the biggest question for me is why do you dislike therapy so much when you have so many people around you who think it will help?”

“BECAUSE NOBODY EVER ASKED ME!” Violet hadn’t intended to say that, hadn’t intended to say anything at all, but suddenly she was on her feet panting as she stared at the calm woman across from her. “Everybody else sits across from me, so smug, so convinced they know what’s best for me and how to fix me. As if by shoving me in the path of the right person they can make me who I was before. Gardner didn’t even fucking tell me he was writing you, just did it and waited for your letter to show up before talking about it as if it was the simplest thing in the world. As if just because this time it’s work, that makes it so much better that he’s fucking forcing me. But its my life. And nobody’s guilt, nobody’s plans, nobody gets to take that away from me. They can make me go, but after that they can’t make me do a damn thing because its never been my fucking choice.”

Vi paused, shaking as she realized what she’d been saying. She hadn’t realized that was part of it, but that was true. First her parents had panicked and tried therapist after therapist to see if they could get their old daughter back. Mom had driven her to the office and picked her up, and each week had tried to talk cheerfully even as it was obvious she was anxiously waiting for something to work. Then the school had mandated that she work with Clyde. And he’d been so earnest, he’d tried so hard, but she had always known that neither of them had been given the choice about working with each other.

So if she’d been forced to go, why couldn’t she decide how to behave inside it? Sure, she could have cooperated and worked with them and maybe that would have done some good. But that had felt too much like being forced to go along with their plans, and she’d had too many people messing with her thoughts for her to be comfortable with a professional doing it. So she had acted out, pissed them off, and then felt incredibly bitterly satisfied when she proved once again that none of them were going to stick it out. Maybe it had meant she was still broken, but hey, at least this time the breaking was on her own terms.

She wasn’t sure what she was expecting Dr. Hayes to do as the angry words rang in the air. What she hadn’t expected was to see her pull out a pen and notepad and look away from Violet.

Snarky bitter words were already on her lips as her heart began to twist, when Dr. Hayes spoke. “In that case, we can consider this session terminated. While you will still need to be seen by an auror approved mental health professional, I can give you the names of several on staff who should have space in the case loads to see you. You can pick one of them and see who suits you the best.”

Of all the things Violet had possibly expected…that wasn’t it. The casual acceptance of Vi’s point of view and the active steps to try and fix it to make sure it was exactly what she wanted. It was – something. She was sure there was a word for it, but she couldn’t find it with her system reeling the way it was.

Dr. Hayes paused and looked up at her, as if waiting for her to say something, and Vi found herself sinking back into the chair. “No. No it’s ok. Um, I’m already here anyway and I think I’d rather just get this over with. This is supposed to be about the case anyway, right?”

It was the closest to a peace offering Vi knew how to make, but Dr. Hayes seemed to understand as she put the paper away. By giving her the choice to walk out, Dr. Hayes had allowed Vi to make the choice to stay. And that made all the difference.

“Tell me about the case.”

Violet walked her through it step by step. She started with Andy’s visit, the visit to the grocer’s and the feeling that something was wrong, the journey outside town, and the discovery of the body. She followed it up with the fruitlessness of the work since, and the fact that she knew something was wrong, but she couldn’t get it to work, she couldn’t move forward. She glossed over Andy saying he hated her, because she didn’t want to focus on how much that ate away at her. The only thing she left out was the way she’d used her wolf senses to find Lara in the first place. While everything here might be confidential, she wasn’t sure if that extended to the technically illegal.

Dr. Hayes nodded carefully through the entire recitation. She didn’t take notes, but Vi knew she didn’t really need to. Maybe later she would write it all down. But in this moment, she remembered it all. She was focused. And that made it easier for Violet to keep going, hoping that maybe somebody else would be able to point out something she and Gardner had missed. But Dr. Hayes surprised her one more time.

“Why did you want to take this case?”

“What?”

“Why did you want to take this case? It was only 3 hours later, no one would have blamed you for taking a full 24 hours to be sure something was wrong. And you said that you insisted to Mr. Gardner that you wanted to follow through on this, despite his warnings. So why did you want to take the case?”

“Because Andy was scared. And it was real.” She paused, looking down and fiddling with the edge of her sleeve. “Most people don’t listen to kids when they feel something. They brush it aside, as if by being younger they don’t know what’s going on. But sometimes kids see more clearly, and they need to be taken seriously like anyone else. I needed him to know that someone was listening and trying to help.”

“So, a child comes into the aurors looking for their missing sibling and wanting help.”

Vi felt like there was some significance behind the way she’d phrased it and nodded carefully.

“Yeah, I guess you can put it that way.”

“Perhaps because when your brother was missing, you wanted there to be an auror who would help. Who would bring him home to you.”

“What the – no. No that’s not – it was about him, its not like I was trying to – “

“To rescue your brother since you didn’t get the chance before?”

“I was going to try. I was. If he’d been gone any longer, I would have gone looking for him myself, and I meant to go earlier, but Dash was actually talking to me and we weren’t screaming at each other, and I didn’t even know where to start, so I just – I didn’t do anything, and I know Jack-Jack doesn’t blame me, but that’s not the point because – “ Violet pressed her hand against her mouth, trying to stop the flood of words she had barely acknowledged even to herself.

Dr. Hayes sat quietly, letting Vi sort through everything she was feeling as she tried to pull herself back together. “But that’s not the point. That’s about me, and this case isn’t about me. Even if it started that way, it isn’t.”

“Why would you say this isn’t about you? You are the investigator. It’s your knowledge and your strength that will allow you to reach the end. So why isn’t it about you?”

“Because I don’t matter. Lara is the one who matters. She spent the last moments of her life clawing at her own neck to try and breathe to survive that much longer. She kicked back at her attacker, probably hard enough to bruise. She fought to survive, to make it home to the brother she had looked after devotedly, even getting special permission to come down from the school to do so. And Andy, the brother who risked everything to talk to someone he thought could help, no matter the cost to him. He matters. They matter. After that, I’m nothing special.”

“But you are special. Can’t you see that? You’re the one who listened to Andy, when you yourself said that most people wouldn’t. You were willing to risk Mr. Gardner’s displeasure to do something you thought was right. You found her faster than anyone could have imagined. And you remember them both. That is something important.”

Violet heard her, but she couldn’t really believe it. Maybe it wasn’t what everyone would have done, but how could she do anything else? He had needed her, and so she’d tried to be there. She’d failed him. And that fact overruled everything else.

“What does Jack-Jack think of this?”

The shift in topic had Vi scrambling to find her feet again, trying to figure out the right thing to say. “He worried. But he always does. I guess I’ve given him reason to, but that’s not really the point –“

“Not the point that you’re killing yourself to try and save him almost a year later?”

“Why do you keep fucking saying that? It’s not about me!”

“Every case you take is about you. It always will be for you. It will never be just a case, just a puzzle, because you look at the faces and the feelings, and you care. Even the simple ones will be about you because you are the one to argue for extenuating circumstances. The law isn’t black and white to you, because you care about people and people are full of shades of grey. So if you don’t learn to accept the part that is about you, you’ll never be able to work through it.”

A moment passed and then another as Violet tried to find some way to reply. The part of her mind that was curious and rational took in the word and found that they made a certain amount of sense. It matched enough of what Gardner had said to resonate. And didn’t her stance on the laws around werewolves prove that idea that she was interested in circumstances and grey areas? Hadn’t she been drawn to Gardner because he’d told her that he would teach her the work, not the flashy politics? That he would show her the spirit, not the letter of the law?

The clock struck the hour and Violet jumped, staring up at it. Dr. Hayes sighed. “I think we’ve done enough for today. But think about what I’ve said, all right?”

Violet nodded and started to walk quietly to the door. At the last minute, she paused. “Um, could I come back? And talk to you again?”

For the first time, a small genuine smile bloomed on the other woman’s face. “Yes you can. Why don’t you send me an owl with what time works for you?”

“Ok. And. Um. Thanks.” Before she could think too much more about it, Violet turned and walked out of the house, struggling to control her breathing.

Maybe today hadn’t been such a bad day for therapy after all.

#self #fhogself #vi is finally making progress guys!!!!#its been a long time coming

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lotsofdogs · 6 years

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Postpartum Q&A: Part Two

My second postpartum Q&A post is coming at you today!

If you’re just catching up, you may find my previous postpartum blog posts here:

The Great Big Postpartum Post

Postpartum Q&A: Part One

As I mentioned before, I decided to break my Q&A post up into two separate posts to address all of the questions I received in a way that didn’t feel too overwhelming. Today I am addressing all of your questions related to breastfeeding and the two-kid transition. You may find answers to questions about my physical and emotional recovery, postpartum body thoughts, how I feel about having two boys and Ryder in my previous Q&A post.

Breastfeeding

How do you handle nursing hunger? I’m starving all the time!

Oh man, I feel you on this one!! I am so, so ravenous when I’m nursing. Thankfully my hunger has settled a little bit now that we’re three months into our breastfeeding journey but it’s still definitely elevated. In the beginning I truly felt like I could not eat enough and was a snacking machine. I still need to snack all the time and can almost feel like Ryder is physically draining my energy if I’m nursing and haven’t eaten in a while. Is that crazy!? I don’t know but I need to eat a lot and I need to eat often!

When it comes to satisfying my nursing hunger, I’ve found some of the more satiating snacks to be smoothies/smoothie bowls (I make them daily), chia seed pudding, nut butter (either on a spoon or on top of fruit, a muffin, toast, etc.), energy bites, a small wrap with leftover chicken or salmon, veggies, mayo and mustard, Greek yogurt with nuts and berries… Pretty much anything that includes a healthy combination of protein, fats, carbs and fiber.

Is this what my snacks look like all the time? Absolutely not, as convenience wins out sometimes and I grab whatever food is on hand in the pantry or fridge that is fast and appealing. However, when I take a moment to assemble a more well-rounded snack, it is waaay more satisfying and usually worth the little bit of extra effort. I actually want to do a post about some of my healthy prep-ahead nursing snacks that I’ll make in the beginning of the week to snack on, so stay tuned for that one!

Do you pump? Will you be bottle feeding?

I actually just started pumping and freezing breastmilk for the first time last week. Since I will be home with Ryder all day, I will probably do what I did with Chase which is mostly nurse but I do want to try to give Ryder bottles here and there so he’s comfortable with them should I want/need to be away from him for more than an hour or two.

Do you have the excess lipase issue with your breastmilk this time?

I’m not sure since we haven’t given Ryder a bottle since his time in the NICU but I really, really hope not!

For those in the dark about the excess lipase enzyme issue, according to KellyMom (<—a great breastfeeding resource for any new moms out there!), breastfeeding women who notice that their breastmilk turns bad quickly may have an excess of the enzyme lipase in their milk, which begins to break down the milk fat soon after the milk is expressed. Most babies do not mind a mild change in taste, and the milk is not harmful, but the stronger the taste the more likely a baby will reject it.

I had NO idea this was my issue with Chase rejecting bottled breastmilk and wanted to highlight this here again for any moms out there who might be scratching their heads and feeling frustrated when their breastmilk seems to turn bad so quickly.

Do you have a nursing bra you’d recommend?

YES! Without a doubt my favorite nursing bra is the Bravado! seamless nursing bra. It’s incredibly soft and comfortable and doesn’t make your boobs look weird through clothing. All the important stuff!

For sleep or just to wear under casual clothing, I also really love the Bravado! ballet sleep bra. It’s a pull-on style bra that doesn’t dig into my sides at all. It’s a great go-to nursing bra to have in a few colors.

What workout clothes do you wear that are easy for breastfeeding?

For some reason I haven’t really adopted a breastfeeding-friendly workout wardrobe. In addition to not wanting to buy tops I won’t wear for all that long, to be honest I find a lot of the nursing-friendly tops and bras just plain ugly. I’m mostly wearing my normal workout gear but I also don’t really mind simply lifting up my shirt, rolling up a sports bra over one breast and nursing Ryder that way. (This might be a little more feasible for me since I have a rather small chest… not sure!)

I do much prefer high-waisted leggings though since they keep my stomach covered during on-the-fly nursing sessions. My current favorites are the lululemon Align Pant (the same ones that were my pregnancy obsession — I bought four pairs!), Zella Live In High Waist Leggings and Fabletics High-Waisted Powerhold 7/8 Leggings.

As far as sports bras are concerned, I made the mistake of wearing a sports bra with no lining to boot camp last week and it was not the best idea. I dropped Chase off at preschool and then nursed Ryder in the car before boot camp and didn’t realize that the breast Ryder wasn’t nursing from apparently felt left out and decided to leak as he fed. Let’s just say I walked into boot camp with a wet milk mark in a rather embarrassing spot that day. Yeesh! Thankfully the Burn Boot Camp crew is a supportive and encouraging one and my friends just laughed it off with me but it’s not a mistake I plan to make again. I’ll be sticking to lined sports bras and am currently loving the Reebok CrossFit sports bras I’ve had for years, Montiel Teardrop sports bras, lululemon Free to Be bra and the super-soft bras from Balance Collection that I find at TJMaxx or Marshalls.

I’m wondering how you juggle getting out of the house with nursing? Do you nurse in public a lot?

Right now I try to be as flexible with my schedule as possible to accommodate nursing. I try my best to time leaving the house right after a good nursing session so Ryder is full and happy. Of course this is not always feasible and I’ve done a lot of nursing in my (parked) car. I keep a Boppy breastfeeding pillow in my car which helps a lot with both Ryder’s comfort and my own during on-the-fly nursing sessions.

I’ve also become fairly comfortable nursing in public and just look for more secluded areas to nurse since added stimulation around Ryder leads to distracted nursing. (He’ll come on and off my breast and I’ll end up spraying milk everywhere which is not the most fun.) I also always have a muslin blanket with me to drape over us if I’m in a really public place but many times I just forget a cover and do my best to be as discreet as possible. Ryder, like his big brother, doesn’t seem to like to be covered when nursing and I’ve pretty much adopted the attitude that if someone has a problem with me nursing in public, that’s their problem and not mine.

(Nursing in the airport last month.)

I feel like for the most part Ryder’s head covers the important areas when he’s nursing anyway so I’ve become a lot more relaxed about nursing in public.

What are your favorite postpartum clothing items? Loose clothing? Compression? Any other nursing-friendly tops you love?

I am all about casual, flowy tops and elastic waistbands right now! Like I mentioned above, I am opting for a lot of tops I can roll up if I want to nurse on the go and love comfy v-neck t-shirts in a size or two up from my pre-pregnancy size. I am living in Victoria’s Secret Perfect V-Neck Tees (size large which worked both during pregnancy and postpartum) and LAmade V-Pocket Tee which I love for the added length.

If I know I’m going to be nursing in public a lot, I will often wear a nursing tank underneath whatever top I’m wearing. My absolute favorite nursing tanks are the Gilligan & O’Malley camis you guys recommended to me after Chase was born. I’m wearing the same ones I wore after my first pregnancy and they’ve held up well.

As far as dresses, I LOVE my Gap Maternity Nursing T-shirt Dress. It’s comfortable and makes nursing in public much easier. I can dress it up with wedges or down with sneakers and a denim jacket and have worn it everywhere!

For nursing-friendly pajamas you cannot beat Nordstrom’s Moonlight Pajamas. I wore them in the hospital after delivery and have been living in them! I own both the pants and shorts versions and even gave a pair to my sister at her baby shower, too. They’re the best!

How do you explain nursing to Chase? What do you do when you need to feed Ryder but Chase needs attention?

Chase is incredibly curious and interested in just about everything in the world and nursing is no different! I’ve tried my best to explain nursing to him in a way he can understand and he seems to get it. When it came time to talk to him about nursing, I took a similar approach to the one I used to explaining potty training and his questions about private parts. I try my best to be as accurate and open as possible and use proper names for everything. Even though Chase says milk comes out of Mom’s “nibbles,” I think he gets it and he will often tell me that Ryder “needs some milk” when he gets fussy. I let him watch and sit next to me if he wants to but usually he gets bored and wanders off to play with his toys.

(I snapped that picture when Chase told me Elmo needed milk “from his nibbles” when Ryder was 10 days old. Ha!)

When Chase is in a mood or extra fussy and Ryder needs to nurse, I try really hard to speak to him calmly and explain that we can do x, y, z once Ryder is done eating. I’ll also often provide some ideas for things he can do while I’m nursing (play with trains, draw a picture and Mom will guess what it is, pick out a book for Mom to read to you, etc.). While I initially worried that emphasizing Ryder’s needs over Chase’s would lead to jealousy, I’ve let that go during nursing sessions because I think it’s honestly a good thing for Chase to learn from a young age that sometimes we need to be patient and wait to get whatever it is we want when someone else needs attention.

The Two-Kid Transition

How do you handle nap time with both boys? How do you get Chase or Ryder down when the other child is awake and noisy?

My answer to this question is admittedly kind of crazy and I have no idea why or how I started to handle nap time this way but it’s all about embracing whatever works, right!? We are ALL about a pre-nap time “picnic” over here these days. When Ryder is awake and playful during the time I need to begin to settle Chase down for his nap, the three of us head into Chase’s room with a snack for a “floor picnic” and some stories. Ryder will happily kick and look around the room while Chase eats a snack and I read some books. When I can tell Ryder is getting fussy, I wrap up story time and then tuck Chase into his bed and head out. This shockingly works REALLY well for us and we do pre-nap picnics ALL the time.

As far as how I handle naps for one of the boys when the other one is awake, needy and noisy, I try to be flexible on timing. If Ryder is crying and needs attention, Chase’s nap will get pushed back until Ryder is soothed. Ryder is thankfully still at the age where he can sleep in a rather noisy environment, so he naps in his Rock ‘n’ Play in our family room while Chase plays and it usually works out well. While this doesn’t happen every day, this strategy has actually helped get both of the boys napping around a similar time in the afternoon since Ryder is often awake for longer spurts when Chase is up and noisy and then he sleeps for longer stretches when Chase is asleep and things are calmer around him.

How do you handle bedtime with two kids when your husband isn’t home and your baby is cranky?

Sometimes bed time can feel like one battle after the next, especially on the nights when Ryan is working late or traveling. I’ve tackled bed time alone many times at this point and more often than not I feel like I’m making things up on the fly.

When bed time rolls around, I just try to be calm and firm but also flexible. It is much harder for me to soothe Ryder, nurse him, swaddle him and get him down for the night when Chase is still awake so I typically don’t even try. I try to take advantage of the time when Ryder is awake and happy to begin settling Chase. Only after I have Chase in bed does it feel possible to nurse and swaddle Ryder and get him down for the night. (Note: This is very different from the way I handle Ryder’s daytime naps which feel much more laid back and the daytime nap soothing often takes place with Chase around. Ryder sleeps in a bassinet in our room at night with a noise machine and I want nighttime sleep to feel different than daytime naps to hopefully cultivate deeper and longer stretches of sleep. Ryder also typically needs a very calm, stimulation-free environment to go to sleep at night which isn’t possible when Chase is awake.)

One HUGE thing I’ve learned about bed time with two kids is to start the process WAY early. We typically stay home in the afternoon and begin the winding down process immediately after dinner. If I want Chase in bed with the door to his room closed by 7:30 p.m., I try my best to make my way upstairs with the boys by 6:30 p.m. This gives us time ease into bed time which Chase responds to better than a rushed “we need to get to bed NOW” strategy.

What was Chase’s reaction when he found out you had a boy?

I like to joke and say it was a non-event to Chase. It was almost like a “duh” moment for him because he really and truly never believed we’d be having a girl. Anytime someone would ask him about the baby in my belly, he’d confidently tell them it was a boy named Thomas the Train and get almost defiant if they ever said it might be a girl. When Ryder arrived, I think Chase simply got the baby brother he expected!

How has Chase handled the adjustment/shift in attention?

You may read all about how Chase has handled becoming a big brother in the first few weeks of Ryder’s life in this post: Chase’s Three Year Update. To elaborate a bit more, Chase is adjusting really, really well and is so sweet with Ryder for the most part buuuut something happened around 9 weeks and a switch flipped and Chase was all of the sudden fussier and needier than usual. This coincided with a cold (which, in retrospect, I think was to blame for a LOT of his weepy emotions), a bunch of back-to-back dropped afternoon naps and Ryder needing more attention (he was no longer sleeping all day long) and we just seemed to have an all-around whinier and more tearful three-year-old. All Chase wanted all week long was Mom and my undivided attention. That was a really, really tough week. Thankfully that seemed to be fleeting and Chase is back to being his sweet and joyful self but just thinking back on that week makes me feel exhausted and tearful all over again. It was HARD.

Now, on a day to day basis, things are going really well with our two boys! Chase asks me to put Ryder on a blanket on the floor for him to play with multiple times a day every day.

Chase loves incorporating Ryder into imagination games and enjoys trying to “teach” him things as well as dancing for him and making silly voices to try to get Ryder to smile, coo and chirp. Chase gives Ryder kisses all the time and talks about being a big brother in a very positive way when people ask him about his little brother which melts my heart. Ryder is enamored with Chase and stares at him all the time! Overall, Chase has absolutely exceeded my expectations and handled the transition really well and we try really hard to praise Chase for his kind, inclusive, gentle and positive behavior around his little brother.

How are you finding time and energy to cook?

I seriously swear by meal planning. In the beginning I gave myself a lot of grace when it came to preparing meals and we did a lot of sandwiches, smoothies, wraps, pasta and simple one-dish recipes. Now that we’re emerging from the newborn fog, I’m trying to get back into meal planning and it’s making a big difference. I have a much stronger desire to put time and energy into meals when I have a plan versus when I find myself opening the fridge, freezer or pantry and waiting for inspiration to strike.

I also try hard to do a lot of food prep/cooking when Chase is awake. Chase loves helping in the kitchen and this makes cooking and food prep an interactive activity and also frees up any free time that might pop up during nap time for me to work. (Yes, this means our kitchen is often a mess but lowering my expectations for a sparkling clean house at the end of every day is crucial during this phase of life.) If Chase is content to play by himself and Ryder is napping or happy and awake, I’ll chop veggies, whip up a batch of muffins, begin dinner prep, etc.

I’ve also become a HUGE fan of Instacart. I never thought I’d be the type to order groceries delivered to our house but grocery shopping with both boys isn’t exactly a blast and since I usually do my meal planning on Sundays, if Ryan or I don’t make it to the grocery store over the weekend, I’ll often have an Instacart delivery come to the house on Monday. This may die down a bit now that Chase is in preschool but Instacart seriously saved us for a few weeks there and helped prevent us from ordering takeout all the time. Though there is a delivery fee, there are often promotions in place that make delivery free that I take advantage of and I truly think Instacart saves me money in the long run since I’m not impulse buying things during trips to the grocery store. Anything I can do to streamline the process of cooking/shopping/meal planning sounds great to me right now! We also love Blue Apron for easy, delicious meals delivered to our house and have ordered a handful of Blue Apron deliveries, too.

When it comes to lunches, I look to leftovers, smoothies or wraps and I am also still on a huge Daily Harvest harvest bowl kick. I love the way their harvest bowls come packed with veggies, herbs and good-for-you ingredients. The prep work is done for me and I typically just add something like leftover chicken, salmon or black beans to the bowls to make them a little more satiating. I chatted with one of my friends last week about how the first few months with a new baby is all about convenience and making things work and these are a few things that have helped me a lot!

Did you make any freezer-friendly meals to have on hand before you had Ryder?

I didn’t but I wish I would have! Pinch of Yum just shared an awesome blog post featuring 12 healthy freezer meals that seems like it would be incredibly helpful to anyone looking to prep some freezer-friendly dinners before baby.

More details on sleep! How do you get longer stretches?

I mentioned this briefly in my first postpartum post, but I am increasingly becoming a believer that some babies are naturally good sleepers and some aren’t and Ryan and I can now say we’ve had one of each. Looking back, Chase was a tough baby when it came to sleep and we were up with him constantly for months and months. (I don’t think he officially slept through the night until I stopped nursing at 15 months!) I would love to give more advice to help those of you out there struggling with baby sleep and while I do think following a schedule or certain sleep training methods can absolutely work, with Ryder we honestly haven’t done much to cultivate good sleep habits but I do have a few staples I swear by for baby sleep. None of these are anything new and you’ve probably read about all of them but just in case, I’ll detail them below.

With Ryder’s naps, I’m pretty laid back since he’s still young and not really on a schedule yet but I am already much more rigid with nighttime sleep. We always have a white noise machine on at night and try to keep our room as dark as possible for night time sleep. I also swaddle Ryder in his Ollie swaddle every night (that thing is a MIRACLE worker for those who struggle to snuggly swaddle their babies) and once he was around 6 weeks old and I got the okay from my pediatrician, I tried to hold off from responding to every little peep and chirp from his bassinet. (I still respond to any cries but in the beginning I was responding to everything.) I think this helped Ryder get used to longer stretches of sleep at night from an earlier age. Ryder’s weight is heavier than Chase by a ways (Chase was born in the first percentile for weight) and I have to think his extra weight also helps him go longer between feedings and sleep better through the night. Who knows if this is really the case, but I’m just counting my blessings for a decent sleeper this time around… and I am also well aware this could change at any moment!

I was wondering how Ryan finds energy to work out at 5 a.m. everyday while you have a newborn in the home? We are expecting our second child any day now and I know my husband is worried about having energy to get to the gym for his normal routine.

I should probably let Ryan answer this question but I know after Chase was born, he didn’t stick to his normal 5 a.m. routine for months because we were up so often in the night trying to soothe and settle Chase. This actually led to him outfitting our home gym so he could squeeze in a quick workout before work rather than have to take the extra time to drive to and from the gym before work.

With Ryder, I honestly have no idea how Ryan kept to his 5 a.m. workouts for the first few weeks there, but somehow he did. I think this may be because I was (and still am) really the only one up with Ryder during his nighttime feedings since we haven’t done the bottle thing yet. (This is by choice since I hate pumping and would rather just nurse right now.) Ryan is also blessed with the ability to not hear baby noises like my sonic ears do and can somehow often sleep through nursing sessions without realizing Ryder and I were just up. (You know that joke, “Forget sleeping like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.” Yep, that definitely applies here!)

Ryder was also pretty good about nursing and going back to sleep fairly quickly (totally opposite from Chase) so this undoubtedly helped! So basically I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer here but if you have the space/ability to create a place where you might be able to work out from home, that might help with consistency once you’ve both emerged from the newborn fog!

How do you plan to balance working from home and being a mom to two? Will you have babysitting help?

Oh man this question is a tough one! When I was pregnant with Chase, I truly thought I’d have childcare help but never ended up going that route. I tried my best to do as much work as possible in the early morning before Chase was up, during his nap time and then during his preschool time once he turned two years old and was in preschool two mornings a week. I am not sure how feasible squeezing in small spurts of work is with two kids in the mix (especially when naps don’t align) and I am trying to figure everything out right now.

Honestly, focusing on being a mom is where my heart wants to be in this phase of life and if that means scaling back on what I have the time to share in this space for a while, I am okay with that right now. I absolutely love blogging and connecting with all of you and it’s something that continues to bring me joy, so I absolutely want to keep writing and sharing my life, recipes, workouts and randomness here with you guys. I also have a bazillion blog posts I’m dying to write!

My gut tells me I will likely not seek out childcare but if all of the sudden I feel like I’m drowning and need help, I’ll absolutely go that route and would probably look to find a nanny to help with Ryder a few mornings a week when Chase is at preschool so I’d have some solo work time. Buuut we will see!

Do you want to have more children?

The short answer to this question is yes. Neither Ryan nor I feel done having kids but I am admittedly a much more anxious person when I think about pregnancy and babies these days. Neither are a given in life and right now we’re focusing on our amazing boys and enjoying our family!

I didn’t get my cycle back until Chase was almost completely weaned at 15 months old and breastfeeding is a priority for me so even if we wanted to have another child ASAP, I think my body would want me to wait a bit. (And yes, I know breastfeeding is not a reliable form of birth control but I also know it can effect fertility.) Buuut when we talk about the future we definitely do talk about a shared desire for more children.

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