The last time Ed told Stede he didn’t want to be a pirate anymore, Stede straight up left. So Ed has got up the courage to tell him again, but he’s already set up his exit. He loves himself too much to keep fighting, and he loves Stede too much to watch him be changed by it. But he doesn’t have the strength to stay and try to talk it through — he doesn’t have the courage for that yet. Not now that he’s tried and Stede’s kissed him quiet. He knows it would be so easy to let Stede talk him into staying, now that Stede is so sure of himself, and he’s not. He hasn’t found the clarity Stede found, leaving his old life behind. He signs up for the fishing crew before telling Stede because he doesn’t want to let himself be swept off his feet again and miss out on who he’s becoming. He knows whoever he’s going to be, he won’t find his way doing more of the same. He needs to leave his old life, too, make a clean break. Stede’s right, it’s a coward’s way out to just go instead of talking it through; but it’s still horribly brave. Ed finally believes again that he can find his way to be just Ed. And he knows he can’t build what he wants with Stede till he knows who that is.
Fun fact: years ago my father sat me down to watch every Star Trek movie with him because I needed to know and appreciate Star Trek if I was going to inherit his Star Trek memorabilia collection. There was never any conversation with the rest of the children over this matter, there actually wasn’t even any conversation with me, he just decreed me his nerdiest child and the only one who would be interested in his Star Trek stuff
after getting ketamine treatment for a few months my dad is officially a huge ketamine fan and advocate of ketamine for all. trying to get the whole family on it. he’s 74. go pops