#he's baptized. but the water isn't clean | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thyperishable · 6 months

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I stupidly say give me love without the pain, give me it clean and perfect and bleached. Give me it sterilized and safe. Give me it unnatural.

The sweat of a dozen boys and girls fogs up the room I'm swaying in, I can feel it in my hair. Veiny arms on my waist and the nearly pink tongue of a girl I don't know makes a mess of the picture-perfect lines of my calloused palms. This could be anything I wanted it to be, the nun with red lipstick told me so. This is my divine right, this hypocrisy.

I kissed my cruelty onto the lips of a sad-eyed stranger and never thought of him again. The stench of my perfume I covet only for the way it lingers in the mind. He’ll never forget it, I’m sure. I say give me love without holding me. Don’t touch me. Don’t look at me.

But still there's a boy with a rotting brain who keeps me up at night.

Maudlin and gangrenous, name a better combo (peanut butter and apples). Suddenly I'm flitting the line of being untouchable and letting whoever begs have a piece. I'm unlike myself this October, with whatever or whoever is in the air. I get told I have the prettiest eyes by a man with a thousand-yard stare and I think then that I might really be my mother's daughter.

I think I might start going to more parties. I think I might fuck that nun till i'm teary eyed and holy. Tonight, I'm going to rub my skin raw and talk to a boy who thinks he's closer to God then I am. One of those real religious types who knows how to make a girl feel blessed.

A whiner and a crier, a pseudo-evangelist with a cigarette cough and a bullet in his mouth.

Tap-water to wine.

Baptizing myself in his bathtub.

Pulling his hair till he screams.

This isn't self-sabotage this is rapture.

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sweetswesf · 1 year

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Check In

What I Did Today

CHURCH with a peer that I DON'T AT ALL enjoy being around; I was reminded of why ALL DAY TODAY!...not again man...

Had brunch with some folks in this professional Black software engineering group I'm in

Matched with this dude originally from my hometown on Hinge; excited to chat with someone about home...and we have the same name...and he's 6'4" :) he's not drop dead gorgeous, but...cute enough to get a date if his job is good and the convo is good :)

Washed dishes & meal prepped; I don't know what keeps getting me sick...maybe it's the meal prep, but my meat be so damn dry that I don't know...maybe it's the new veggie wash I'm using to clean my veggies, but then again, I got sick before I started using the veggie wash...y'all pray for me! :)

I broke out on my face REALLY BADLY Friday...don't know what that's from...so much stuff going on right now lol...I'm almost 30 and the acne is STILL HERE!!

JAMMED REALLY hard to Bilal, Kaytranada, and Kelela, mainly

youtube

What I Learned Today

I'm braver than I thought I was; I thought I would feel so much shame telling my peers that I was laid off, especially the peers I didn't like, but it didn't phase me to offer it

Feeling

Nervous to take on all that I want to accomplish tomorrow and in the months to come; I think my grace week is over and it's about time to get to work

Better; headaches weren't as rough today and I danced pretty hard without feeling too crazy; I was a bit nauseous before I started dancing, but apparently I started to feel better and jammed OUT!! ...we'll see how I feel tomorrow

Proud; today at brunch, one woman who loves controversy and the sound of her own voice, took time to ask everyone individually what we all thought about religion; I was the only religious one at the table, and I was afraid to voice how I felt about Christianity and who Christ has been in my life...so many other things I wanted to say, but I know this is something I probably would not have been able to do a few years ago...but I've been getting questions of my faith from ones closest to me ever since I was in high school...I remember crying at the kitchen table when my parents sat me down in college to question why I wanted to get baptized...I felt so proud of myself for taking that next step in my faith and thought my parents would be proud as well, but they were not...and at that time, I could not answer their question of why I wanted to do it...I just knew I had to...and that's sort of what my answer to my peers was today: I don't know what made me want to follow the religion, I just know it has felt like a calling on my life ever since I was in elementary school...or even sooner since I went to the YMCA for preschool and church every Easter (but only on Easter) when I was a young kid; I like who Jesus has made me and I'm excited to keep growing in him despite if it makes sense or not to others...

Takeaways

Stop giving so many people chances to frustrate me; I look too easy to run over

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in less 3 months

Drop my body fat percentage

Use social media/YouTube less

Improve my relationship with my family

Be more confident & faithful

Move more during my day

DRINK MORE WATER!

Get back on the ball

Be kinder to myself and stop guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Find a therapist

Figure out what keeps making me sick...

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mksc77 · 6 years

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For a couple of weeks, Sharon filled her days with sipping a couple of mugs of coffee on the porch and getting things done around the house in the mornings, enjoying the pool in the afternoons, and reading in the swing in the evenings once dinner was in the oven. It was a much-needed break after retiring, her honeymoon, and visiting her parents, but she tired of it fairly quickly, just as she'd known she would. On a Monday in June, she was enjoying her last day of idleness, as she planned to go to St. Joseph's the next morning to inquire about volunteer opportunities. For today, she was floating around in the pool with her book and Captain Morgan. She felt like she'd read more in the last few weeks than in her entire life, but she wasn't complaining. The weather had been mostly in the seventies and low eighties, so it hadn't been too hot. She had music playing from the porch, and she never knew if it was music that made her want a drink or alcohol that made her want good music, but her rum and pineapple juice with a splash of cranberry and sprite was melding pretty well with John Mellencamp. She hadn't made a habit of drinking during the day, but she'd allowed herself a couple of light drinks two or three afternoons a week.

The winter days, they last forever

And the weekends went by so quick

Went ridin' around this little country town

We were goin' nuts, girl, out in the sticks

One night me with my big mouth

A couple guys had to put me in my place

When I see those guys these days

We just laugh and say do you remember when

That's when a smoke was a smoke

And groovin' was groovin'

And dancin' meant everything

We were young and we were improvin'

Laughin' laughin' with our friends

Holding hands meant somethin' baby

Outside the club "Cherry Bomb"

Our hearts were really pumpin'

Say yeah yeah yeah

Seventeen has turned thirty-five

I'm surprised that we're still livin'

If we've done any wrong

I hope that we're forgiven

Got a few kids of my own

And some days I still don't know what to do

I hope that they're not laughin' too loud

When they hear me talkin'

Like this to you

Emily came out of the house, dressed in her swimsuit, and got on another float in the pool. At almost seven months, she was getting more uncomfortable, but a float in the pool usually did the trick. She and Emmett hadn't wanted to rush to get married before the baby was born, so they'd set the date for December. It didn't really matter, as far as the church was concerned, but Emily wanted them to be married before the baby was baptized. "Blair just called, and she and our other high school friends want to give me a baby shower. She told me to go ahead and start thinking about dates for a wedding shower, too."

Sharon looked over at Emily and noticed that she didn't seem too happy about it. "Your friends want to give you a couple of showers? That sounds just awful!" She said, with mock sympathy.

Emily rolled her eyes. "I just feel like I'm doing this all in the wrong order. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong, but with the wedding and the baby getting more real, I kind of wish we'd just gone ahead and planned a quick wedding before the baby came."

"Em, there was no need for you guys to do that. Unlike me, I'm sure this will be your only wedding." Sharon gave her a wry smile and sipped her drink. "You should enjoy it. You and Emmett are giving this baby a family that loves her and will take care of her, and that's all that matters. The order in which you do this isn't important."

"I know, but with the showers that are being planned and everything, it's just making me more aware of the fact that I'm having a baby before I'm married. Everyone's been great about it, and I haven't really thought much about it until now, but it just seems off or something."

Sharon was a little surprised that Emily was starting to feel the old Catholic Guilt, but she understood. "Once things pick up and you don't have time to overthink everything, I think you'll feel better about it. This in-between stage is unsettling, in general, and I know you've never liked change."

Emily nodded. "I think you're right. Thanks, Mom."

"You're welcome." Sharon placed her drink beside the pool and flipped over to lie on her stomach. Despite slathering herself with sunscreen every day, she was still getting a little bit of a tan. Any skin damage she had from the sun had probably mostly happened during the baby oil and iodine days of her teenaged years and young adulthood, anyway, when the sun's rays weren't thought to be anything but healthy. She wasn't in the pool for the purpose of tanning, but she loved to be in the water and feel the sun soaking into her skin. She'd never been much of a swimmer for exercise, but she'd been making herself swim a few laps most afternoons. Once she got herself settled into a more productive routine, she planned to take either morning or evening walks around the neighborhood, but she'd stick with floating around the pool for now.

A couple of hours later, with dinner in the oven, Sharon assumed her evening perch in the swing with her book and a glass of wine. Andy came home soon after that and joined her on the porch. "Am I just going to have to get used to being a swing widow?" He teased. Their evening dynamics had definitely changed since they moved. At the condo, Sharon sometimes sat on the balcony for a while in the evenings after watering the flowers, but she was still usually inside for most of the evenings. Now, she usually went inside just long enough to eat dinner and help clean the kitchen before going straight back to the porch.

"You can always come out here," Sharon pointed out.

"But the game will be on in there," Andy protested.

"True..." Sharon looked around. "We should put a TV out here. It would be nice to watch football out here this Fall."

"Then you'd never go inside." Andy pecked her on the lips. "How was your day?"

"It was nice, but I'm ready to get out of the house. I'm going to start at church tomorrow, but I think I'd like to pick one or two places and stick with them for a while instead of doing things here and there like the people at church do. I know they'll be able to steer me in the right direction, though." Sharon closed her book. "What about you? Is Captain Hernandez any better?"

Andy heaved a dramatic sigh. "She sent my paperwork back three times before it was finally good enough for her! And I thought you were a perfectionist."

Sharon had been a stickler about paperwork at the beginning, but she quickly learned to appreciate the talents her team had in other areas of investigations and gave up on perfect paperwork from them. "She'll learn to pick her battles, just like I did."

"Pick your battles? You sound like you're talking about toddlers!" Andy whined.

"Well, some days I felt like I was dealing with toddlers." Sharon kissed Andy and went inside to check on dinner, and Andy went inside to change clothes. Sharon peeked into the living room first, and Emily was watching TV with a jar of pickles in her lap. Sharon still wasn't used to Emily not being pencil-thin. Her face had filled out a little, and her legs were actually a little bigger than twigs. "Dinner will be ready soon...By the time this baby comes, I'm going to forget what you look like without a jar of pickles in your hand!"

"I know, right? If it's not pickles, it's watermelon. At least I'm not craving something terribly unhealthy."

Sharon nodded. "Yeah, like the strawberry ice cream that's still on my thighs thirty-five years later."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Mom, your legs are, like, perfect."

"They're not perfect, but I'll take it.”

The rest is on ff.net

#major crimes #major crimes fanfiction

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