#he's got the depth of a teaspoon lol

[neverluckygoldfish]

19 -

Black or white. Wrong or right. Good or bad. It’s all a spectrum, but I have a really hard time seeing it that way.

Today, I’m trying to hold both of these things & give them equal weight:

1. I am an addict. I am an alcoholic. I have hurt the people I love. I have made choices that put myself, my loved ones, and society in danger. Intentionally as well as unintentionally. I’ve acted in ways, with no regard for others. I’ve made people worry and caused them anxiety. I still have more to see about the ripple effects of my actions.

I give myself a little grace because I started using and drinking at a young age (13 to be precise) But I continued this pattern through the age of 29. Probably still wouldn’t have admitted it was slowly killing me if it didn’t all blow up in my face and I had no other choice but to face reality. That’s just the truth.

Even at 13, I knew I was making a bad decision (hi DARE) but I didn’t care because I thought I was better than it (lol I was kind of a “I know better than everyone else” little b at 13).

In a way, I thought I was invincible. I’ve been so consumed by my own pain that I didn’t take the time to truly acknowledge others’. I ignored them. It’s not all me me me me me. I say this to take accountability.

2. I grew up in a turbulent household. My father was an alcoholic and those are my earliest memories. I was terrified of him & embarrassed of him. He got sober and then became a drug addict. He took me on drug runs. Our backyard was covered in crack pipes. He forgot about me, he belittled me, he degraded me. He physically abused my mother and myself. He told me I wasn’t worthy and my family kind of enabled that narrative. He’s clean now and has been for years but he is so wrapped up in his own delusional world - we have no contact. I found out recently that he suffered horrible abuse and neglect as a child. The cycle continues.

It was just my parents and I, not much extended family. One grandma - well, she swallowed a lifetime of abuse and pain. She wasn’t entirely sane, as a result. The other one? Everything was my fault in her eyes, I was just like my dad. Why am I making our lives so hard? At 3, at 7, at 16, at 21, now. Ok grandma, I get it. I wasn’t an easy child. Everyone else was pretty much on the fringe, never really saw them or knew them.

My mom wasn’t around because she was busy supporting the whole household and trying to keep it all together. I still don’t know how she did it. She’s also very stoic — actually, it’s a cultural thing. We come from a background where stoicism is revered. We. Do. Not. Talk. About. Things. We overcome and we swallow it or we whisper behind closed doors and pretend everything is fine. Patriarchy rules. You can’t change your situation, bad things happen and we endure silently.

I see things from her perspective now, she was in an impossible situation. She’s only human. These days, we are a lot more honest and compassionate with each other. She is my anchor and I would give her the sun, if I could.

But I held a lot of anger and resentment towards her for most of my childhood. Because I felt no one had my back. I had to grow up and parent myself starting at a very young age. I had to figure out the world on my own. When things with my dad finally ended and she was ready to parent me, I was like “fuck you”. I was 14 years old and thought I knew everything.

So, I attribute a lot of the issues I struggle/d with to my upbringing. To not having the resources, the support, or a caregiver who could actually provide care. What about me? I never got a sorry. I got ridiculed and gaslit for being a walking trauma response as a child. No one explained that this wasn’t okay. Actually, no one really said much of anything besides getting upset when I wasn’t docile and quiet. My self-esteem is the depth of a teaspoon (but growing stronger, each day). So what about me? Where is my fucking apology? They were adults who were supposed to know better and do better.

It’s the not dealing with these issues and hiding everything until I felt like I was going to explode — that led me to make the choices I made, turning to alcohol & drugs. Like I sprinted towards them. I knew there would be consequences sure, but I didn’t see myself being where I am today. I didn’t see myself causing hurt, anguish, pain to people around me who love me. I didn’t see myself wishing for death and becoming suicidal. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone really gave a shit about me so I was free to deal however I wanted.

I see those things now. I’m uncovering more and more each day. I start to remember so many times I’ve used and forgotten about — it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It’s hard. I’m coming to terms with these choices and their consequences. No one is obliged to forgive me & I respect their boundaries. Apologies don’t erase pain. I feel embarrassed to admit these truths, because they seem ridiculous to me now. But I have to. I want to be better.

It’s hard to not think that the decisions made were entirely wrong or entirely right. That the people involved (myself included) are all good or all bad. How can I acknowledge that my childhood was difficult and shaped me as I am today, but that my choices are entirely my own? At what point, what age, is it acceptable to say I knew better but continued to choose self-destruction? How do I forgive myself?

Maybe the issue is that I’m focused on that instead of understanding how decisions & people are far more complex than an either/or. I’m struggling to reconcile these things as truth, altogether — to understand the gray.

I still have a long way to go.

#addiction #addiction recovery #sobriety #healing #self love #recovery #alcoholism #drug abuse #drug and alcohol addiction #recovering addict #compassion #vulnerability #sorry for being depressing #sorry for the rant

[homiro]

okay but imagine a knb realistic au in which they made a pact to dye their hair the colour that was in their name but kuroko was a rebel and decided to go for light blue because his hair was already black (can’t imagine the horror of having to bleach his hair down to platinum and then go for that light blue) and akashi was a madlad and picked magenta instead of red. i think the funniest is midorima because of his personality. like kise just bleached his hair, pretty straight forward, murasakibara probably would have gotten his sisters to bleach and dye his hair for him or something and getting that dark blue colour aomine has is pretty easy with naturally dark hair. but imagine midorima shintarou, first of his name, having to sit through more than one round of bleach to get his hair to that incredible green tone is just fucking hilarious. also this would give a lot of depth to akashi’s otherwise flat character because dyeing your hair in japan is seen as pretty thuggish and rebelious so for this kid with a shitty helicopter father to actually go and dye it magenta, a colour that is coded as feminine, is pretty hardcore.

bonus: nijimura left because he refused to dye his hair the colours of the rainbow

#knb #realistic au #homiro said some shit #im tagging bc i want to know if anyone has written it and if there's a fic like this or sth #midorima shintarou #kise ryouta #aomine daiki #murasakibara atsushi #akashi seijurou #feel free to come in my inbox and insult me akashi stans but be ready to be be shut down #akashi's character is flat #he's got the depth of a teaspoon lol #heinz doofenshmirtz has more depth than he does with the crackhead backstory than he does with whatever bullshit that was #that fujimaki tried to pass as a backstory only to keep ignoring the coded mental illnesses of his characters #and have him magically stop having mpd #lel #oh i forgot kuroko #kuroko tetsuya #lmao how fitting

[pondermoniums]

My favorite Harringrove things we all agree on:

If you’d like a rant, it’s below the cut haha

• Billy can pick Steve up. Yeah, fine, he’s lifting weights that average to the weight of a medium/petite, high school girl, but there’s no damn good reason for him to Look. Like. That. and then proceed to throw -Steve- around.

• How the show got the first batch of characters so right and then the second batch so wrong. Exhibit A: power pair siblings. Exhibit B: bully redemption arc. Obviously the latter is self-explanatory. We love Steve. We love Steve in all the ways Nancy didn’t. But also...Nancy and Mike? Those two manage to be asshole siblings to one another while still having each others’ backs and being teammates against the Upside-Down. THEN you introduce Max and Billy who distinctly....malfunction. You literally introduce two characters who are such power plays in their own right - never mind t.o.g.e.t.h.e.r. - and then...nothing happens with them. Like. What? haha it’s literally Chekov’s gun that never gets fired.

• The gaping black abyss that is the plot hole of Billy waking up at the Byers’ house. Like...he wakes up and has the time to really appreciate all the papers taped around the house? Lol Are we supposed to believe that Steve and The Party dragged his unconscious ass into the Camaro before ?somebody? drove Billy and Max home? It’s a gaping pit for plot, humor, and character development.

• And last but not least: Billy. Is. A. TEENAGER. My first reaction to him bullying Max in the car and nearly running The Party over was “.....holy shit, this guy’s seventeen??? Who made him like this? He is NOT OKAY.” My reaction was so much concern for his emotional and mental safety. Are his choices shitty? Yes, 100%. But anyone who watches Billy and doesn’t feel immediate concern over why he makes those choices, is either too young to understand, or is someone with the emotional depth of a teaspoon.

• Bonus: it’s really telling that the Harringrove fandom is a little older/wiser because we’ve clearly all seen (or been) those kids who are too energetic or are trouble makers, and then they mature and surprise everyone by being Really. Freaking. Good. with responsibility when it actually matters. We see this outright ONE TIME (followed by the sprinkling of times Billy overcomes the Mind Flayer): Billy being the lifeguard. It’s an ‘80s reference, I get it. It’s ironic because the hot bully is in charge of keeping kids safe. I get it.

But....Billy’s good at being the lifeguard. Does he still bully people? Uh, yeah. I’m still not over the “lard ass” comment. (But that digresses into a lot of word choice in the show that I’m personally against. nvm). But his vibe is completely different in season 3. He’s actually enjoying summer in Hawkins, as opposed to being miserable in the Hawkins autumn, when he’s under Neil’s thumb. The moment he actually calls his own shots, his vibe totally changes. The point is, there’s a LOT of character development we either aren’t seeing, or isn’t being given to us.

Thank you for reading. I’ll see myself out ~ my ask box is always open even though no one asked lol

#harringrove #pondermoniums #ponder ponders #steve harrington #billy hargrove #billy x steve #i can't believe I fell so deep into this fandom #i avoided stranger things like the plague for three seasons and yet here we are #the plague won and so did stranger things lol

[jenguerrero]

#hendrikvarju #mexicandinnerparties #passionforwood

Ever walk out of a good, traditional-style Mexican restaurant and think you wish you could do that at home? I’ve got the book for you, Mexican Dinner Parties!

The author’s mother’s from Mexico and his father’s from Hungary. He grew up in Canada. His mom taught him to cook the family dishes to preserve their family heritage and now the author created this book for his kids as a family heirloom. It’s a charming story for sure, but it makes the book very special in another way. My kids are in the kitchen with me a lot, and they learn so much that way. They get coached and always hear what they’re looking for. The author does that in this book. It shows up mostly in the opening techniques pages. He doesn’t just give you the recipe for tortillas, he shows you photos of what your dough should look like, and also what it shouldn’t look like and why. It has that personal coaching feel. You will absolutely be able to master everything in the book with a little practice.

Since it’s getting a little cooler outside, it’s perfect grilling weather. I picked a recipe from the grilling party, Grilled Flank Steak Tacos with Orange Chipotle Sauce. I chose this recipe because it’s delicious and easy peasy. Big bang for the buck. Thank you to Hendrik Varju for letting me share it with you. I’ll tell you all about the book after that recipe.

Tortillas: To Make or Not to Make?

In my humble opinion, a homemade tortilla does as much as the filling. If you know that’s not your thing and you’re going to buy tortillas, they’ll still be awesome. You do you. But if you want to make tortillas, the learning curve is super easy! If you just make homemade tortillas with an easy-peasy filling you know by heart the first time, you will be effortlessly rewarded!

What do you need? It depends on if you’re team flour or corn. We love both.

With flour, you just use a rolling pin and need no fancy equipment. You don’t use a press.

If you want to make corn, you really need a tortilla press. I have two. They both work beautifully and do the same job. The black iron one, I bought from Amazon, and it’s nice and cheap – $25. The wooden one is gorgeous, no? I picked that up from an amazing Mexican import store in Taos, NM for about $60. Sorry, no link, but if you’re headed to Taos, you should go. They have the best collection of gleefully painted metal sculptures I’ve even seen. A lot of them are in my kitchen now – lol!

Victoria Cast Iron Tortilla Press

I like to use a tortilla warmer ($9) to buy myself a little wiggle room and keep my tortillas warm while I get everything else together. You just pop them in as you finish making them. There’s microwave directions if you are buying them, but I haven’t tried that out. You pop it in the wash machine when you’re done.

Grilled Flank Steak Tacos with Orange Chipotle Sauce

Serves 8

Beef is expensive these days, but you can feed a crowd with flank steak tacos very reasonably because you only need a few thin slices per taco. The combination of beefy flank steak, cooked medium rare, orange chipotle sauce and sweet caramelized onions is just phenomenal. Your guests will love it.

A lot of people are surprised to see paprika in Mexican recipes, thinking paprika is either Spanish or Hungarian. While it is true that Spain and Hungary are the world leaders today in paprika use and production, where do you think paprika originated? In the same country where every chile pepper in the world first originated: Mexico!

It has now been proven by scientists that all peppers in the world originated in Mexico, meaning that peppers did not exist in any other country before 1519 when the Spaniards landed in Mexico. The ancient Mexicans invented paprika as a way to preserve peppers by drying them in the sun or over a fire and then grinding them into a powder. And the rest is history. You have no idea how many amazing food products originated in Mexico, from Avocados and tomatillos to chocolate and vanilla bean. And if it weren’t for Mexico, the tomato would have never made its debut in Europe. Can you imagine Italian food today without the tomato!?

Ingredients: 1 whole flank steak, about 1 ¾ pounds ½ Tablespoon paprika ½ Tablespoon hot paprika ½ Tablespoon smoked paprika 1 teaspoon garlic powder ½ teaspoon cumin, ground 1 teaspoon kosher salt ½ teaspoon black pepper, freshly ground ¼ cup extra virgin olive oil 1 very large white onion cut into spears (julienne) ½ cup orange chipotle sauce (see ancillary recipe which follows) 16 100% corn tortillas (buy them, or make them yourself) 1 cup cilantro, leaves only, torn into smaller pieces 2 limes, each cut into 8 wedges ½ cup salsa of your choice

Method: Place all three kinds of paprika, the garlic powder, cumin, salt, and black pepper in a bowl and combine with a whisk or fork. Coat the flank steak generously with the dry rub, massaging it right into the meat. Place in a glass casserole dish, covered, and refrigerate for an hour or two to allow the flavors to penetrate. Remove from the fridge a half hour before you are ready to grill.

Heat the grill on high and brush with some cooking oil so the meat doesn’t stick. Then sear the steak on one side for 3 to 4 minutes. Turn and sear the second side for another 3 to 4 minutes. Lower the heat to low, and depending on the thickness of the flank steak, it may be cooked to medium rare within just a few more minutes. You can make an incision into the meat “along the grain” to check for doneness. Do not cut across the grain or the juices will run out and result in dry meat.

Flank steak is best served medium rare, as it will be tough if cooked for too long. When it reaches medium rare, or just under, cover loosely with foil on a cutting board and allow it to rest for 10 to 15 minutes before carving.

While you allow the meat to rest, heat up a large skillet over medium high heat. Add the olive oil and as soon as a puff of white smoke appears, pour in all the onion spears. Turn the heat down to medium and fry the onions until slightly golden brown. This will take about 10 to 15 minutes. Add salt to taste.

When ready to serve, pour the orange chipotle sauce into a large heat proof bowl. Cut the flank steak into thin slices across the grain and drop them into the same bowl. After all the steak slices are in the bowl, toss them around to coat them well with the sauce.

In the meantime, a helper can heat the tortillas on the hot grill (or in a hot skillet on a side burner), getting a few char marks on both sides. Stack the tortillas inside a tortilla warmer, or inside of a kitchen towel in a basket.

Serve each person two tacos with three to four slices of flank steak inside of each tortilla. Then top with some fried onions, cilantro, a splash of lime juice, and about a tablespoon of salsa.

Ancillary Recipe: Orange Chipotle Sauce

Makes ½ cup

You’ve never seen a recipe this simple for a sauce. There are just three ingredients: chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, orange juice, and some salt. Certain flavors go together beautifully, like oranges and chocolate or basil and tomatoes. Well, I also think oranges pair beautifully with deep, meaty flavors, so it’s a natural pairing with beef. I even like this sauce on charred pork shoulder, charred chicken wings, and other meats. The charred flavor is best because chipotles also have a deep, smoky flavor aside from the heat itself.

I have to say that chipotle peppers in adobo sauce are so delicious and complex that you can use them to improve almost any soup or stew recipe, Mexican or not. The next time you make a stew, goulash, or some type of tomato based stew, puree one canned chipotle pepper and throw it in. It adds depth of flavor and heat at the same time. Remove the seeds and veins first if you don’t want too much heat.

Ingredients: 2 canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce ½ cup orange juice (regular or pulp free is up to you) ½ teaspoon kosher salt

Method: Remove the seeds and veins if you prefer and drop the canned chipotle peppers into a measuring cup or tall beaker. Add the orange juice and salt, and puree with an immersion blender to make a super thin sauce. It can be used as is. However, sometimes I will double or triple the quantity of orange juice and then cook the sauce. <I tripled it, tossed it in the Vitamix, then simmered it to concentrate that orange flavor. ~Jen>

In that case, pour the sauce into a saucepan on the stove. Bring it to a boil over medium heat and then lower the heat to a simmer. Allow it to cook without a lid for 20 to 30 minutes. As the water from the orange juice evaporates and the natural juice concentrates, you’ll end up with a thicker sauce with a more complex flavor. Add the thicker consistency clings better to foods.

As I said, this sauce is amazing on grilled meats of all kinds. But you can also pour it over desserts, including ice cream. If you like spicy food like I do, you welcome peppers even on desserts like ice cream and cheesecake.

Continuing my review…

Mexican Dinner Parties Hendrik Varju Format: Hardcover

The book’s organized by party. There’s one chapter for each party from start to finish including time-table strategies to make planning easy for the cook. The parties are: 1-Traditional Mexican Menu, 2-A Mexican Grilling Party, 3-Pozole Party! A Cold Weather Menu, 4-A Gourmet Mexican Menu, and 5-Gourmet Menu with an Aztec/Mayan Twist.

I started with the grilling party. Here’s my thoughts and pics of the dishes we tried: 1-3) Corn Flour Tortillas – p 21. Okay, I have a few tortilla presses and have made them plenty of times before. I usually use a Ziploc bag that I cut open on the sides to line the tortilla press. He recommends the cheap sack your groceries come in. I tried it and laughed. It does come off more easily!

4) Mexican Sangria – p 85. Delicious. I used a $3 Shiraz from TJs and that was terrific. His is unusual because there’s no secondary alcohol in it. He uses sparkling water instead which is nice and light.

5) Quick Salsa Roja – p 86. Great salsa! I don’t usually heat mine and enjoyed it warm and thick.

6) The Best Guacamole You’ve Ever Had – p 89. We loved the coriander and radish additions. Lovely fresh taste.

7) Mexican Watermelon Salad – p 91. Love the watermelon and salami combination. It’s reminiscent of a prosciutto melon dish.

8) Mexican Corn on the Cob – p 93. Delicious. I went with the optional queso fresco because I had it in the fridge.

9) Grilled Flank Steak Tacos with Orange Chipotle Sauce – p 99 & 102. These were delicious! I let the rub sit on the meat all day to really let the flavor penetrate before grilling. The orange chipotle sauce has so much flavor for just two ingredients. I did add more liquid and simmered it for more concentrated flavor as he mentions. I added a little zest from the orange, too, since I was already juicing it.

10) Queso Frito with Charred Tomato & Poblano Pepper Broth – p 119. This blew my mind. It’s a queso dish for the low carb people out there. Killer flavor. You char poblanos over the open flame and toss the other vegetables under the broiler for deep flavor development. These were supposed to get garnished with cilantro at the end. Yeah, I saw that on the counter when I went to clean up. Nice excuse for a do-over, don’t you think? He has you pan fry the cheese. If you had the grill going, I think you could do it that way, too. I like to grill halloumi which he has listed as an alternate cheese choice.

11) Enchiladas Rojas de Pollo – p 69. These are outstanding. I usually sauce and bake off my enchiladas at the end. This is different. He has you quickly fry the tortillas, fill and roll them and top them with the sauce and other garnishes. They’re crispy. The sauce itself is close to a mole. It’s got a haunting flavor with some gorgeous bitterness to it. Total keeper. It’s one of those finish it off right at the last second as you hand it to your guests kind of recipe, but totally worth it. If you get a buddy to help, one can fry the tortillas as the other rolls.

12) Mexican Red Rice – p 75. Great rice. Nothing shocking, but just right.

Some others I have flagged to try: Huevos Rancheros with Quail Eggs, Salsa Verde & Chorizo – p 59 * Chicken Sopes – p 61 * Flan with Caramel Sauce – p 77 * Gelatina de Tres Leches with Kahlua – p 107 * Mexican Cinnamon Hot Chocolate – p 113 * Pozole Rojo – p 131 * Avocado Mango Pico de Gallo – p 151 * Flank Steak Salad with Potatoes and Avocado – p 187 * Agua de Jamaica – p 213

*I received a copy to explore and share my thoughts.

I’m an Amazon affiliate. Any time you make a purchase using one of my links to make a purchase, I get a tiny percentage. Thank you!

Mexican Dinner Parties

Victoria Cast Iron Tortilla Press

Tortilla Warmer

  Grilled Flank Steak Tacos with Orange Chipotle Sauce recipe and Cookbook review: Mexican Dinner Parties #hendrikvarju #mexicandinnerparties #passionforwood Ever walk out of a good, traditional-style Mexican restaurant and think you wish you could do that at home?

#beef #cook book #cookbook #dinner #food porn #Hendrik Varju #Jennifer Guerrero #JenniferGuerrero #Mexican #parties #party #recipe #review #steak #tacos