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#heart break

Next Time You See Me

Next time you see me

I won’t be this scared little boy

I’ll be a man

Not someone who’s clueless

And definitely not someone who’s easily manipulated

Next time you see me,

I’ll be successful

Helping people

Giving my heart and soul into something I love

Changing people’s lives

Being that person I wanted to be when I was young and dumb

Loving someone who treats me way better than anyone else

Someone who isn’t afraid to be with me

Is proud to hold my hand in public

Someone who sees me for the real me

Next time you see me,

I won’t be a fool

And I hope you can see it in my eyes

That I’m not the same boy you broke

Not the same boy you manipulated over and over again

Not the boy you lied about loving

Not the second choice

Next time you see me,

I hope it breaks you to see me happy

I hope it breaks you to see me smile

And not that bullshit smile I used to give

But a true genuine smile

I hope you get jealous of how I look at him

I hope it saddens you that I took his last name instead of yours

I mean no harm to you

But karma will come to you one day

And make you realize what you could’ve had if I was your man

If you stayed, if you could’ve change

I want you to think those questions

Because for years, those ran through me

And ate me alive

Next time you see me,

You won’t recognize me

I’ll be a changed man

And I hope that makes you realized what you lost

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The days without you

The days without you

Makes my sky feel empty

Makes my sea feel empty

Makes my heart feel empty

Makes my everything feel empty

Please always be here with me

Because you are my everything


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Azt mondják az igazihoz vezető út rögös.

Persze mindig abban a hittben éltem, hogy leszek a kivétel.Kivétel? Na persze!

Ahhoz, hogy megtaláljuk azt az illetőt több megpróbáltatás és rémes kapcsolatokat kell kiállni. Mi lesz a jutalom? Boldog kapcsolat.

Kérdem én, megéri?Talán igen, talán nem. 

Hány összetört szív, hány fájdalom?

Persze mondhatjuk az idő mindent megszépít. 

Megszépíti az emlékeket,

Megszépíti a szakítást, 

Megszépíti a rossz emlékékeket, 

Megszépíti magát az embert.

Fájdalom kontra idő. 

Ez olyan nehéz, mintha minden apróbb dolog lassan s lassan telne.Egyszerűen üres vagy, védtelen. Elernyedtem fekszel…üveges szemmel, mint elhasznált játék baba.Kész, vége, ennyi. 

A fájdalom emészt, mint valami betegség.Nem kapsz levegőt, a fejed lüktet, keresed az összetört szíved darabjait. 

Amit idővel összeragasztasz. 

Összeragasztod, majd életre kelted. Végül persze minden helyre jön.

Előbb vagy utóbb biztos.

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I hardly slept last night

I turned on the songs that could best describe how I feel when it comes to you; while going through memories that once brought me joy but now cause me pain

Because the memories I have are all lies

Lies I told myself to keep the peace

Lies you told me me to keep the peace

I don’t blame you, I truly don’t

I will forever love you

I will forever be greatful for you

You have helped me become the person I am today

Oh, how in love I am with the person I am today

More in love with myslef than you ever were with me

I don’t blame you

I will forever love you

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you know what’s messed up? i would’ve given everything short of my all for him.

i made pintrest boards for us, specifically, that way, whenever he occasionally got on the app, he’d have a nice surprise and get to see all the pins i saved that made me think of him.

i put items in my cart from etsy that were themed around his interests, that way, whenever it was a holiday or special occasion, i could purchase them and give him a wonderfully personal gift.

i posted him constantly, sometimes tagging him, sometimes not, that way, when he got on his phone he’d either see the notification or happen to stumble upon the post and remember how much i loved him. 

i photographed him, that way, his beauty would be captured forever and he would know i value him.

i held his hand, gave him kisses, smothered him in compliments and love, that way, he’d never forget how much he meant to me. 

whatever i didn’t do, i made a promise i had every intention to keep to do it soon, that way, he’d know i was invested in our future. 

then he chose to leave, again.

i deleted the pintrest boards.

i removed the items from my cart.

i archived the posts on social media.

i threw away the photos.

i didn’t want to let go, but i was pushed away.

he claimed he changed and that he still cared for me, but things were different. i was left with what felt like a lifetime of broken promises and an upturned future that i had every intention of pursuing. 

things are different now, and that kinda sucks. 

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That bitch doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t deserve my tears. I did everything I could to come to terms with him and he used and exploited every part of me.

I fucked up a lot, we both did. I took responsibility and made the effort to change. when he couldn’t he blamed it on me.

He admitted to using me for his own personal gain and I still took him back. Just to get let down and broken up with over and over in a toxic cycle.

Why can’t I say I’m done with him? I still love him so much and for what?

It’s been just over a month and I’ve felt so much better about myself and my own worth. I’ve felt so liberated and proud for being able to step back and say “you know what? I did my best, I’m a bad bitch, and it’s his loss.”

A few days ago, we texted. We went for a drive. We cuddled and made out in the back of his car at a park after dark. I was uncomfortable with a lot of what happened. I’m so scared to setting boundaries in fear of losing him. I did for a few things but still left uncomfortable and disatisfied with myself.

He’s one of the people that has hurt me the most in my life, but one of the people I love the most. All because of that, I made out with him. The guy who fucked some girl at a party only weeks after we broke up. I want to go back to smack the both of us and ask myself “where the fuck is your worth?”

Every time he comes back into my life, I fall into the same old patterns of toxic thoughts and feelings of codependency and obsession. It hurts to feel this way.

I hate this pain. I want us to be happy, I want us to be healthy and grow together. If I love myself though, I’ll walk away from his toxic actions because it’s not worth any of myself to put up with. No matter how much I love him, he’s not going to change for it.

He can go get shitfaced without me and I’ll lay here and cry about everything we could have had.

If you read this, thanks man. I really just need to rant about all this right now.

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The fire can’t touch me,
for I have burned too many
and the sea can’t harm me
for I have been drowning all my life.
oh but darling you could rip my heart open,
for I have never known love
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And now I’m glad I didn’t know

The way it all would end

The way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I’d have to miss the dance.

The dance by Garth Brooks

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