I ain't lying when I say I'm better, or that I'm healing. But I'd be lying if I said I'm over it. I still think back on that day, where my mind and spirit were so broken, and all I knew was tears. Something broke in me that day, and I could never fix it, it'll never be the same. How unfortunate.
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When you can physically feel your heart breaking dropping into a bottomless hole that's what true heartbreak is and it fucking hurts so much
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Isn’t heartache sweet? It tastes of everything you ever wanted. The rain-soaked lilacs I pressed my face into as a child, knowing, even then, something I needed was there unreachable.
If you’re going to touch me, I want you to drink the water from those lilacs.
Amy Dryansky, from “Because the Moon Is a Cliché & Not Exactly Steadfast,” Waxwing Literary Journal (no. XIX, Fall 2019)
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Frank Ocean // Queering the Map // Frank Ocean // Quora // Lemony Snicket // Marina Abramović // Charli XCX // Beach Bunny // Queering the Map // JP Saxe // Adventure Time
1. I care for you still and I will forever / that was my part of the deal, honest
2. Screenshot from Queering the Map: “We fell in love here, sneaking around your parents and dropping hands every time they came to take food we made or get coffee from the kitchen. We paddled around your lake, we had picnics, we had fun. I don’t miss you anymore, I hope you’re doing well and have found something and someone who makes you happy!”
3. I will always love you how I do / let go of a prayer for you / just a sweet word / the table is prepared for you
4. Question from Quora: “What does it mean when he says ‘You have a special place in my heart?’” Response: “It means that no matter what happens, even if you both are apart, even if you can’t see each other anymore, even if you both have someone in your hearts- your memories and deeds that you have given him will forever be remembered and cherished within him/her.”
5. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.
6. GIF of Marina Abramović and Ulay at The Artist is Present
7. I know in the future / we won’t see each other / cold just like December / but I will always love / I’ll love you forever
8. Even when we fade eventually to nothing / you will always be my favorite form of loving
9. Screenshot from Queering the Map: “We had one of our very last dates at 82 Queen. While you were holding my hands and gazing into my eyes, you told me how much it meant to you to be in public with a girlfriend, and not be afraid that anyone would see. A few weeks later, I came out to my mom, and spent the next months on lockdown, stuck alone in my house. I had to end things b/c of it, but I will always treasure that night at 82 Queen. How beautiful you looked, the lovely sound of your laughter, and the way your eyes looked when you looked at me. I miss you.”
10. You weren’t down for forever and it’s fine / I know, you know, we know / we weren’t meant got each other and it’s fine
11. Picture of the treehouse from Adventure Time with text that says: “Time is an illusion that helps things make sense, so we are always living in the present tense. It seems unforgiving when a good thing ends, but you and I will always be back then.”
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What they don’t understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you’re eleven, you’re also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three and two and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don’t. You open your eyes and everything’s just like yesterday, only it’s today. And you don’t feel eleven at all. You feel like you’re still ten. And you are—underneath the year that makes you eleven.
Like some days you might say something stupid, and that’s the part of you that’s still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama’s lap because you’re scared, and that’s the part of you that’s five. And maybe one day when you’re all grown up maybe you will need to cry like you’re three, and that’s okay. That’s what I tell Mama when she’s sad and needs to cry. Maybe she’s feeling three.
Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That’s how being eleven years old is.
I’m eleven today. I’m eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one, but I wish I was one hundred and two. I wish I was anything but eleven, because I want today to be far away already, far away like a runaway balloon, like a tiny o in the sky, so tiny-tiny you have to close your eyes to see.
sandra cisneros; eleven
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