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#heartache

I lost my little blind boy unexpectedly this morning 💔. My heart is broken 💔. I know with all that I going on in the world, This is a small thing, But he took up such space in my heart ❤️

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Cual bálsamo místico tu presencia sana mi dolor pero todo tiene un costo y el de esto es caer por lo prohibido.

Si, claramente he pecado antes y he estado en esta posición sin embargo lo que se rompe en mi es totalmente nuevo.

Sos la ilusión de un futuro imposible que borra el pasado inconcluso en el que sigo inmerso.

Nervios y un corazón agitado mezclados con el sabor de dar rienda suelta a los impulsos.

La curiosidad que envuelve el misterio de tu persona es lo que me atrae como la luz a la polilla y de la misma forma en que ellas caen en la muerte por el delirio así caen las barreras que protegen mi integridad.

Cual erudito amante del arte vuelco mi pasión en esta obra olvidada con el ferviente deseo de poseer lo inviable pero de la misma forma inocentemente caigo preso de tu engaño.

Si, no hay dudas que un recóndito sentimiento ha nacido y he actuado en consecuencia.

Sos la Maga que hechiza mi cuerpo y mi mente, que hace impura mi esencia y ciega mi alma.

Decepción por correr atrás de una meta irrealizable dejando de lado los sueños que me han olvidado pero tanto anhelo.

Lo quimerico se deshace entre tus labios cuando tocan los mios y por un segundo creo las mentiras que nosotros mismos nos hemos contado.

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I don’t really understand why people have to be so goddamn ignorant about the problems of the ones they say to cherish.

Keep pointing with your finger at everyone else when you get criticized, you’re never the one being wrong. It’s never you but in fact it’s always me.

It always has been me, just wait until you lost me too.

Maybe then you see that you messed things up too.

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You entered my life with golden freckles of the sun

Baptized my heart in sweet honey

And stole every melody living there

You sang them so convincing

I really thought for a second you were convinced of us

The honey hardened over time

And you started singing with an eerie undertone

And with the twinge of a thousand needles

I could feel the emptiness you left me with

And if my pain could speak

It would scream your name

Scream until its voice vanished

Scream until the entire world was covered in it

And now, now that you sing my melodies to a new heart

My soul can’t decide whether to mourn or to shine

But this one thing I know

That I hope every time you sing the songs of my heart to her

The remaining sparks of me reside forever within you

And that you never forget

Who brought the music in you to life

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Now it has been 6 months.

6 months since you left me.

6 months since you said you never loved me and everything was a lie.

6 months since you ripped my heart out of my chest.

6 months since I totally lost my mind.

I still cry.

I still ask what is wrong with me.

But one thing I know for sure:

I will never let that happen to me again.

I will never be able to love again and do you know why?

Because you showed me the truth why?

Because I am nothing.

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Heart Awaits

Bound with a heart full of sorrow,

that lone figure under the haitang tree.

Half a life spend for morrow,

earning to looked at, in the crazed spree.


once was a child of innocence,

beamed at all with a desire for care.

Life turned those an eye of insolence

cold and unrelenting, none kept bare.


Thought would live for none

Yet that day under this haitang tree,

pulled from a reverie by that tone

those stare unwavering, a smile so free


Days stranded away, came along the spring

muddled with a feel all too unfamiliar.

A glimpse, gleaming orbs and a heart left unstring,

soured, when another came to relish its allure


‘A fond and a fate, all meant to be forbidden’,

warned those bottle of painstaking fervour.

Dared not to yearn for what was not given,

clung to the hope to be worthy, a preceptor


Bloom gone to await the mercies of wither

eyes held up high in pray for else’s benevolence.

Sealed, mindful of every breath that fare,

away, every word a reverence.


Let the live pass, longing a fortune to revive,

a live where fate shall cross path anew.

Naught a note that beat by this hymn shall grieve,

for love is a strive too sore yet true.



This little poem is gleaned from one of the recent web novels I read,  “The Husky and His White Cat Shizun”  (二哈和他的白猫师尊, Èr Hā Hé Tā De Bái Māo Shī Zūn). To those who are new to the chaotic and unrelentingly growing world of web novels, don’t be in a haste to deduce your opinion from the novel’s name alone. Because I did so at first and then shamefully regretted later. 

 2H is a very beautiful and satisfying read. ML(Shizun or Chu Wanning) made me shed boundless tears every now and then. At times, I could relate to his aloof nature and lonely heart that wept for a flare of love. He, after leaving his master’s aid and shield, stepped into the world where the weak died to thrive and the strong remained unwilling to care. Was a child full of smiles and innocence. But life gradually wore him down. He woke for the weak and forgot to sleep. Along the way, his indifference to the dominant made him insolent to the majority. His time and heart was set for those in need, not for those who tried to will him and heed. 

Everyone thought he is a scary, antisocial, ‘should not to be meddled with’ master. What all bestowed him was respect, respect out of fear and his great beknown proficiency. All but love was there. He thought he would never have a chance to bemoan the savour of love, whatever kind it maybe. 

This poem depicts the escripts from the novel, which drew the picture of Chu Wanning with a heart that fell for his discipline MoRan. In the poem, the Chu Wanning I pictured out is standing under the blooming haitang tree and relinquishing his unrequited love(so he thought. I’m not gonna spoil the novel for you.) 

What follows are the verses describing his first meeting with MoRan and him realizing he has got feelings for those gleaming eyes and petulant heart. Their first meeting was under this very same haitang tree. Lost in thought, he didn’t realize the hand that was pulling his sleeves and came to stare at a pair of very innocent and bright pairs of orbs that beheld a childish gleam to it. In the later years, he falls for those same peevish eyes. Even a glimpse of his silhouette made his heart lurch. Later, he comes to know about MoRan’s feelings for one of his other disciplines and his heart sours with jealousy, a feeling very unknown to him. He mourned for a love that could never even sprout out a little to breath the fresh air in dew. He knows what he feels is forbidden and chides his heart for the same. In the end, he can only hope for a rebirth, where he could cross paths with MoRan again and have a fate in which their love could bloom. 

I felt for Wanning. My heart hurt for him. That’s why this poem.

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When the only things you’re bringing me are just lies, empty promises and repeating apologies for the same things over and over again, then just stay the fuck away.

Cause all is left are tears and heartaches I did never want to feel again and that won’t let me breathe.

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I breathe in,

I breathe out.

And my heart aches,

It pounds and struggles in its futile battle,

Not to scream for love,

Not to hunt for a hand to hold,

For hugs and curling smiles,

For the passion I have mirrored back in someone else’s eyes,

It struggles not to tare itself in two.

You can die from a broken heart,

But can you die from a heart that yearns for the chance to break but can’t?

The contingencys are a poison.

The ‘I’m sorry but I- that’s just not something I can do’,

And the fear,

And the overwhelming excitement.

There’s too much there,

For me,

Let alone a possible you.

To carry something heavy when you haven’t yet crafted wheels,

It is unfair to place that burden on them too.

A hearts chance to break,

Is too far away,

Besides,

I think it’s already broken.

Because I’m me, without the possibility of a possible you.


-The Impossible You by SADSAN (Shadows At Day Shadows At Night)

30/5/2020

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