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I sometimes think that I shouldn’t have told you I love you. I know that you care about me a lot, but our relationship feels so one-sided at times. I don’t bring it up to you because I’m afraid I’m never going to be enough, that I’m never going to hear it, and it would kill me for you to tell me that my suspicions are correct. I’m afraid it’ll remain unsaid by you 50 years from now, and that I’ll marry you anyway because I’m so desperately in love with you that I don’t think I have any other option available to me. I’m sorry.

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My heart aches

It is not a stabbing pain

Nor a burning passion

It is a crushing and squeezing and suffocating ache

The worst part of feeling so extraordinary in a single beautiful moment

Is the fact that you now know that feeling

You understand it, and yearn for it, constantly

Moments of bliss feel inconsequential

Small joys feel worthless

The ache is not a hurt caused by something

It is knowing that there is an absence of the most magnificent

My heart aches

And I can’t get it to stop

The only thing I can do

Is hope to find such a moment again

And I can’t help but fear it will never come to pass

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The sound of the waves in my ears

It feels like no one is here

I’m painfully standing here alone

I close my eyes, I hold my breath but

I hear it

Like the crashing waves, my heart hurts as well

No matter how much I try to hold on

I need to let go

I cover my heart and heartachingly

Cry all my tears that I could in an eternity

Now I finally know that I have a lot of tears

I hold it in and hold it in

I throw it out and throw it out

I feel like I am dying



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What is it like to hold you lover? To see them and caress them? He’s with me everyday. He tells me jokes and makes me laugh. He stands up for me when the outside hurts us. He tells me how handsome I am when we look in the mirror. But I’ll never hold him in my arms. I’ll never get to gently kiss him as thanks for all he’s done.  I’ll never get to trace his scars while he tells me stories of his life. I’ll never hold his cold hands in my unbearably hot ones.  I’ll never hold my lover. But hopefully one day we’ll hold another Together. 

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In a dark place. Is anyone out there? I’m lost again. I don’t know how much more of this pain I can take…


Originally posted by queerlysad

This void inside may be the end. I never wanted it to be this way. I wish I could get over pain like normal people. My brain must be eliminated.
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Now, I know why I’m feeling weird, and so sad. Its the 24th, a special day for us. My heart is still breaking. I really can feel it, all. I miss him, so very much. But, I’ve been dealing with all of my emotions I think pretty well. I can now eat properly, I work out almost every morning, and I was able to focus on work. I just have to work on my sleep, I still awake at night. I still dream about him, almost every night, more than once or twice. I hope he thinks of me, even just, sometimes. ✨

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