#hell I can't actually make my own appointments aside from the dentist because she won't set foot in a dentist's office

[david-watts]

man. I am never gonna be able to transition am I

#I'm not gonna escape here and I don't think i'd be able to access it because well. have you seen the health system here #and if I want to leave I would have to be in a position where I won't get noticed because I will have to be undercover #especially if I don't tell anyone around me about my name change and gender change because I can actually do that #but I would have to do it pretty much immediately before I leave otherwise I will probably get murdered by my family lmao #it won't get taken well #my mail gets gone through if I don't get to it first and knowing me I won't get to it first 100% of the time #especially if I actually develop the nerve to say I'm dropping out of university because it is literally beginning to kill me #won't get acknowledged that it's doing a lot of harm to me because everyone's so obsessed with having qualifications #I mean. my m*ther does not have a life. she spends almost all of her waking hours studying and I don't want to end up like that #but she's forcing me to #hell I can't actually make my own appointments aside from the dentist because she won't set foot in a dentist's office #and she wouldn't let me learn to drive so now I have a block around it because that's what happens with me in this situation #so. I'm trapped and she won't let me and I can't do it myself because I've been conditioned into dependence #and if I don't get away. if I don't get what I need to keep myself from committing actual bodily mutilation #because I get the urge to do that. it's been four fucking years since I realised and I am beginning to lose my control over myself #which fucking terrifies me because I can't control anything in my life on top of inheriting the control freak attitude of everyone else #if I don't get especially top surgery because hey that region causes me physical pain and that's not even a dysphoria thing #it's just bad. probably made worse because of my back being fucked to shit I mean there's like three different things wrong with it #that's beside the point I can live with my back being fucked up I can't live with my chest though #and I mean that. I won't live. I swear to god I will end up dead in a ditch and nobody will ever find my body #because of this #I will run away into the woods far away from here and starve to death or shoot myself or something #they won't search for me around port davey will they! nobody would stop me if I trekked hundreds of kilometers #into the wilderness over mountains and to a place where nobody's lived for fifty fucking years #I would just be some urban legend that's not even well known enough to make it onto any shitty listicle about missing persons #I'm snapping aren't I. I'm sorry #I miss when I was still in school and I had hope for the future #no actually I miss that fortnight in melbourne where my brain actually malfunctioned and it was glorious #I want that sort of thing again. but I'm in a hotel room. I miss hotels #I rarely got to visit any so it feels special