#hell brought to you by Nikolai Lantsov

[igotanidea]

Nikolai Lantsov x inferni!reader : Traitor

It was the same nightmare over and over again. Making her wake up in the middle of the night in tears with heart beating way to fast and ragged breath.

If only it was just a nightmare.

But it was more.

It was a memory.

Flahsback

“Here she is. My favorite Inferni.” Darkling smiled with his brightest smile, greeting Y/N as she entered his chambers.

“General Kirigan” she acknowledged him without any hesitation in the voice, and yet screaming inside. He was nice, too nice and she knew exactly why. He needed something from her. More precisely, he needed her.

While everyone at court were fooled by Kirigan’s charm and well put-on pretenses, Y/N was the only one to see right through him. The king, the queen, all the Grishas…. So silly when confronted with his bright smile and practiced speaking.

If only Nik was here…

But “the puppy prince” left few years prior, leaving her alone to deal with the potential enemy of the state and it hurt like hell. Firstly, because it seemed like Nik never cared about her at all, secondly because all the court and royal family believed her to be insane and mentally impaired the very second she even hinted at Darkling’s intention being dishonest. Y/N knew he was searching for the sun summoner and why was he doing this, but had to keep it a secret. It was like being torn into two opposite direction. She had to protect the royal family and Ravka she swore an oath to and that came with exposing Darkling, but at the same she had to protect herself and that meant getting into general’s good graces to avoid getting hanged for treason. And still protect the Lantsov, even that fool or a price Vasily.

Being some sort of double agent came with a heavy price.

Poor girl.

This was why she was called upon Kirigan every night and walked into his chambers. He always wanted something in return for keeping her secrets. Sometimes he needed her big brain and Inferni skills, sometimes it was .... more .... but it always, always left her with scars.

“Please Y/N. There is no need for formalities here.” He eyed her with those predatory eyes

“Why am I here tonight, general?” Y/N asked, still keeping her head high, back straight and gaze hardened.

“I….” he took a step closer and waved a hand towards the guards dismissively. The men bowed and left immediately “I have needs tonight.”

“Why… why don’t you ask Zoya?” she hissed “she’ll be more than happy to help you with those.”

“Oh, yes, Zoya…. You are not really in the good terms lately, are you?” he smirked, grabbing her hips and pulling her closer. “but then, you are not really anyone’s favorite Grisha, even in your own order, am I right?” his grip became unbearable “do not worry, dear. It’s a fair exchange. You give me that fire of yours and I keep you protected from anyone else” he muttered into her ear and she knew she was trapped for that night.

***

After everything she was left with pure hatred towards herself. She knew this was just a begging since intimacy was the first step. And after he made her a sobbing mess on his mercy, there were more …. practical tasks. Fires, strategies and plans she was always good at making.

But even with her help, Kirigan was slowly slipping. Slowly, yet consistently, and soon enough Grisha started seeing past his charm. Especially when he brought the sun summoner to the little palace. Y/N though herself to be smart enough to warn her about general’s purpose and tried to reach towards Alina.

Sadly, she was not.

And her attempt to warn miss Starkov ended up with the real, physical scars on her back. Those that could never properly heal even with Genya’s help.  The tailor was probably the only person in the palace who knew who did this to Y/N, but never said a thing. At least she was a bit of support.

However, the pain coming from the cuts was unbearable and was following her for days.

And so she made a decision to flee and search for Nikolai to bring him back to the country. She escaped during the night and when it was discovered the next morning she was quickly announced the wanted traitor.

***

She found Nikolai a few moments later, by accident, while walking the streets in some small village. She was exhausted and was slowly losing hope for the future when she heard noises coming from around the corner. A man and a woman, Shu, judging by the looks were laughing and bantering with each other and when Y/N raised her bloodshot eyes she saw the person she was so desperately looking for.

“Ni….” she started, but he was faster.

“Leave us.” He commanded his companions and only when they left he came towards her, wrapping arms around her. “Y/N” he whispered, breathing her in but quickly pulling away “you look terrible. And you could definitely use some cleaning.” He smirked “Why are you here?”

“Nik….” She sobbed desperately, tears falling from her eyes like a fountain she could not contain once they started “I….”

“Hey, hey, it’s ok. Sh….” He hugged her tightly against his chest “you can tell me. Although I may have to warn you, no one here, except Tamar and Tolya knows my real identity. I’m Sturmhond.”

“The pirate?” she frowned, looking at him with surprise in the eyes

“Privateer….” He hissed “Now come on, whatever happened to you, you are safe now.”

He took her upon the ship and listened carefully to her story. She told him everything, except for the part how Darkling damaged her. It was not important, the country had to be put first. And it was, since they both created a plan to save it. First, get the sun summoner, secondly get Nik back to his prince-self and third, defeat the Darkling.

***

They were spending too much time together on the Volkvolny. There were to many jokes, silly fights and tension. And soon the crew started making ambiguous allusions to the character of their captain and the Inferni’s relationship. And Y/n soon had enough of it so gathering herself she confronted Nik about it.

“Captain, can I have a word with you?” she entered his cabin, not really caring what the answer would be.

“My favorite Inferni….” Unknowingly he used the same words as Darkling and it made her flinch “missed me that much?”

“With all those comments I hear all the time it feels like you are always with me” she rolled her eyes

“Is that why you are here? Came to make the rumors a reality?”

“Not exactly. I came to remind you I will never….” She never get to finish when with one long stride he was right in front of her, grabbing her waist and connecting their lips. At first she froze, shocked by the unexpected action but when he tried to pull away, she grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to her.

“You were saying….?” He muttered

“Oh, shut up…” Y/N locked her hands around his neck, wanting more and knowing he could give her that. She did not protest when he lifted her and walked her to the bed, laid her gently and slowly started to undress her. Saints, she wanted more and more and more, getting so greedy. “Nik….” Her little moan only spur him on.

“Tell me what you want…” Nikolai’s lips moved onto her neck, hands getting under her coat, caressing the skin on the sides and stomach.

“I want….” She panted and smiled lightly, teasingly “I want you to show me if you are truly as good as you are bragging to be.”

“Hm…” she smirked “not sure if you ready for this, love.”

***

As much as she hated to admit it, he was good. Really, really good and left her fully satisfied when she fell asleep in his loving embrace and woke up in them a couple hours later. Her back to his chest. 

“Where did you get those scars?” he muttered kissing along her neck and shoulder, avoiding the damaged skin.

“I…. I don’t really want to talk about it.” She sighed deeply “at least not yet.”

“That sentence just confirmed you see us together in the future. I mean, of course you do, you caught a prince, fireball. A big fish, am I not? ”

“You are unbelievable….” She turned to the other side to face him

“But you love me, don’t you? You admitted that quite a few times …”

“I hate you.” she punched his chest “what time is it? Isn’t your crew going to look for you?”

“Maybe. But those marks I left on you will be enough of the explanation.”

“Marks?” her eyes widened “oh my…..”

“Besides, I am also sure they heard you scream my name.”

“I’m going to kill you, Nik!”

“Come on, it was good, wasn’t it?” he caressed her shoulders “you can admit it, I won’t judge. After all, I am the one who lost his mind for you.”

“You lost your mind when you were a kid, and never found it since.”

“And all of it, because of a certain Inferni which I feel in love with.”

“What….?”

“I’m serious, Y/n.” he looked straight into her eyes “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Nik.”

“Great. Now that we got this covered, time to get up and get back to work!”

***

Besides that little unplanned thing, everything went smoothly. Soon, Alina and Mal joined the crusade and they all returned to Ravka happily, ready to stand against Kirigan. Sad part, old rumors did not die and soon, the prince heard about Y/N’s past and about her apparently being a traitor.

End of flashback

She was with Kirigan again. He was too close, causing her so much pain and she could not endure it all. Her skin aching, reddening and bruising. Again and again and again.

And that made her woke up. Sweaty, shaken and terrified, turning around and trying to reach to other side of bed but she found it empty. He was probably in the adherent room, listening to all his advisors and Grisha filling him in on the country situation.

“Nikolai?” she came thought the door and surprisingly found him alone, sitting on the chair, head hung low, running a hand through his hair. “What happened, my love?” in a second she was next to him grabbing his hand and caressing it gently.

“I… I’ve spoken to some people.” He started “about the country.”

“Is it that bad?”

„Were you conspiring with Darkling?” he said suddenly, his voice cold as ice and she could not recall any time in the past he was so indifferent towards her.

“What?” she gasped taking a step back, utterly terrified by that simple question. No,no, no, no. Oh, saint, please no.

“Answer me, Y/N. Were. You. Scheming. With him?” now his tone was angered, he was clenching his teeth to prevent himself from yelling.

“How could you even ask me that?” she stuttered, her heart breaking.

“I have every reason to suspect you have not been loyal. First of them being the fact you never told me about your past here. You were not ready to talk about it, huh? Now it would make sense why you have those marks on your back. This was punishment, wasn’t it?” he stood up, towering over her and suddenly she felt so small, so vulnerable against his rage. How could she ever explain it to him to make him understand?

“Nik…” poor girl trembled, hurt beyond any recognition “you don’t believe the rumors, do… do you?”

“Give me a reason not to.”

“You have no right to judge me! You don’t know what it was like! What is felt like to be forced to do things you don’t want to just to keep yourself alive!”

“Don’t I?” he looked straight into her eyes and that struck her with the force of lightning.

“You…. You really think what they say is true…. You….Oh my god, you think I am a traitor!” she cried and hid face in hands to avoid looking at him. He thought she betrayed the Lanstovs, so how come at this moment it felt like he was the one to do exactly the same to her.  

“I’m not accusing you of anything. “I just don’t….” he took a sharp breath and closed his eyes “I don’t want to see you right now. I need to think.“

“Nik….” She cried “Please, you have to listen to me…. It’s not what …..”

“What I have to is for you to leave.”

“Please!” she tried again, reaching for his hand, but he just turned around “Nik, I love you, I was nothing more than loyal, all my life and this is what I get in return?”

“Leave.” he commanded with his price voice

“No.” Y/N was not going to give up so easily

“Don’t make it any harder than it already is.” He warned coldly, but his eyes showed that it was painful for him as well.

“Let’s just talk about it, love, I’m begging you. Darkling, he….”

“I’m sorry Y/N….” his voice broke a bit “you leave me no choice….”

“So what, you are going to call your guards to escort me? Put me under lock and key until you clarify the situation?” she mocked “Don’t bother. I’ll make it easy for you. Might as well save any remnants of dignity I have left. “

 “I promise, you will get fair judgment if you cooperate.”

“Fair judgement? How…. How is this fair?” she sobbed “how is this fair that you believed them against me? I….. you know what? Fine. I’ll go.” Y/N angrily wiped away the tears and fixed her pants “You may not have Lantsov blood in your veins, moi tsar, but you surely act like one.” She turned around and walked away with the guards, missing that utterly broken and hurt expression on his face. But he had it coming.

***

He regretted treating her this way the moment she walked thought the door.

He was torn.

He was a king, he was supposed to be firm, unwavering and deliver objective justice by not being biased by personal likings and feelings.

But it was so damn hard.

He loved her, like no one before, with all his heart. Nik had already forgiven her for everything or at least desperately wanted to do so, but King Nikolai had duties, obligations and had to protect Ravka and put it first. He could not tolerate any symptom of not being loyal. Not under the current circumstances. 

But she was so broken…. So hurt and scarred. He was the reason tears showed in her eyes and that urge to just run after her, grab her, pull her close and kiss the pain away was overwhelming.

Nik would believe a single word of denial of those allegations coming from her mouth, but king Nikolai needed hard proof.

He had no idea what to do apart from running hands through his hair in despair.

As if that could help

***

“I don’t envy her. First she was used as a Darkling toy, now got into the black books of the prince”

 “She should have been more careful. Playing double with Lantsov and Kirigan couldn’t have ended well.”

“But still, in addition to those scars on the back she will have some mental damage. I pity her. Truly.”

“I don’t. She always had too big appetite and ambitions for her own good and…..”

“What are you talking about?” Nikolai peeked through the door, overhearing the guards chattering

“Moi tsar” they both saluted and bowed in respect

“What is this about?” he insisted, demanding explanation “Talk. Now.”

And that was how he learned the other side of the story.

And it left him heartbroken and full of unimaginable amount of guilt.

She was never going to forgive him for treating her this way, but he was ready to beg on his knees just to see even a glimpse of warm feelings from her.

***

While Nikolai was listening to the story and swimming in regret, Y/N was lying on her bed, back to the door, curled up, sobbing and shaking. It was just too much. It felt like she was accused of so many terrible things, since she was 15. First by Lantsovs, then by Kirigan, then by her fellow Grisha (give or take a few exceptions), and now by Nikolai. The last one hurt the most.

He should have believed her, not the gossip.

He should have listened.

He shouldn’t have ask her for explanation of the matter.

He broke her heart with the use of one little word.

Traitor.

How could he think she would ever betray him or his famliy. Even after everything the Lantsov did to her?

She got scars because she never lost hope he will return and put Ravka back together.

She was used, manipulated and laughed at, just because she saw more than anyone else.

And now….

Now he wouldn’t want to see her.

“Y/N…..”

“Genya?” Y/N propped herself on the elbow, meeting with the scarred face of her best friend. “What…. what happened to you?”

“nietchevo’ya……”she whispered looking down onto the floor, hiding her damaged face behind hair

“Oh, Genya!” the Inferni stood up and hugged the tailor, both of the girls started crying even more “I am so, so, so sorry. You did not deserve this. None of us ever deserved this.”

“I….” Genya stuttered “I should have taken your side. Back then….. But I chose to be silent and …..”

“Sh, sh….” Y/N caressed her hair “It’s in the past. We cannot dwell on that. We need to stick together now, that;s the only way….”

“Please, forgive me for everything …..”

“You did nothing wrong, my friend.” Y/n looked her straight into the eyes “you hear me? Nothing. We have to make hard choices sometimes and carry the results with us. But it doesn’t make us bad people. It does not make us monsters.” 

“Is that what you truly believe in?” a small, broken male voice came from behind and both girls turned around only to spot Nikolai, with disheveled hair and reddened face.

‘moi tsar” Genya try to bow, but Y/N stopped her from this

“not until the coronation.” He simply stated

“I will leave you two alone….”

“Y/N…”  Nik whispered taking a step forward trying to make her back away “I… I don’t even know how to begin expressing …..”

“Why are you here, Nik?” she fixed her gaze on the floor, not ready to look into his eyes

“I know everything now.”

“Which is?” now she raised head, single droplets falling down her cheeks “You know how I got the scars? Did they tell you how I was treated by everyone here? By Darkling? By your mother? By Apparat? Like no one.”

“I know….”

“Did your informer told you I created dozens of plans and strategies in case of any attack from Darling attack on your family and shared them with generals and they called me insane? Did they tell you I was a playtoy? Did you believe them only because you saw Genya damaged in similar way? Did they tell you…..” she broke and fell onto the ground, clutching her heart desperately. It was all coming back and she could not breathe, feeling the panic attack taking over her.    

“My love.” In a blink of an eye, Nikolai was next to her, embracing her, hoping she would not push him back. Luckily she clung to him tightly, searching for that safety and protection she always felt in his arms. He messed up. Really bad. And yet she wasn't figthing him. “Saints, I swear I never meant to cause you any harm.”

“I…. I…… I know….. I.... need to tell you the whole truth, you deserve it."

"You don't have to say a single word, darling."

"I want to..... I....." she took a sharp, shaking inhal ready to go on, but was stopped.

“No. Hush. I’m so sorry.” He kissed her head and pulled her closer “I can’t even tell you how, love. I was torn between being your Nikolai and the king everyone wants me to be. Guess I failed at both.”

 “No.” she shook her head and slightly moved away, but still staying in his arms “you… did not....”

“I did, my love, if it puts you in such state.”

“No.” she gulped “you, Nik, have the power to make Ravka a better place. To make everything better. I know it. And it comes with hard choices and  …..”

“And you should never be one of those. You are my priority and I;m sorry I was blinded.”

“Heavy is the head who wears the crown….” She quoted the poem they used to know and mock as children “guess we only understand the true meaning behind it now.”

“I love you….” he cupped her cheeks and wiped the tears away

“I love you too….”

“Can you forgive me?”

“As long as you promise to never doubt me in the future. And to talk to me if something bothers you. I will never cause you any harm.”

“Guess now you will have to.” He smirked “You’re gonna have to make us even.”

“Idiot.” She rolled her eyes “you are an idiot, moi tsarevich. Here, I just offended the head of the country. Is that enough for you?”

“That’s a start.” He smirked and captured her lips in his, slowly, gently, caressing her scared back at the same time. “I swear to you, everyone who ever hurt you will be punished. I will hit Kirigan with everything I have. And as for my mother.... mother of Ravka" he muttered "I should have known what my family was capable of. I am sorry, my love...."

"Just be better."

"I will do the best I can as long as you are by my side." she nodded" now, come on, we got job to do and I need you with me.”

“Ugh! After a kiss like that I was expecting a bit more of an apology..."

“I solemnly swear to continue once we are done. Is that worth waiting for?”

“Let’s hope you can live up to your promises, prince.”  

@bradleyroosterbradshawfr

@hauntedenthusiasttragedy

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[moonstruck-poet]

Love Story

Pairing - Nikolai Lantsov x fem!reader, Nikolai Lantsov x wife!reader

Summary - The story of your marriage based on the song Love Story.

Warnings - angst

And as my other song based fics, this one is also quite long. So brace yourself and I hope it doesn't get boring at any point-

And please do send requests for any other Grishaverse characters.

We were both young when I first saw you, I close my eyes and the flashback starts I'm standing there. On a balcony in summer air.

You were growing agitated every passing second, the reason being that someone was supposed to reach the palace an hour ago, and had failed to do so.

Sitting on the comfortable seat in one of the balconies was not a tedious task, but you hated that you quite literally had nothing to do except wait.

A groan was heard as you made up your mind to go inside, not bothering to wait any longer and of course that's when the said person decided to enter the gates.

You rolled your eyes at his impeccable timing though a smile did break through that serious exterior as your eyes scanned your best friend coming closer.

Nikolai Lantsov was in itself the definition of beauty, you thought to yourself. He looked handsome in that military coat that was buttoned right up to his chin. His golden blond hair appearing windswept but still somehow upholding the royalty persona.

His eyes landed on you as soon as you were within sight and you fell victim to his boyish smile that radiated excitement and his hazel eyes that shone alive with adventure.

And instantly you were transported back to a certain memory that seemed too common now, but it was still the one that made your heart swell with adoration.

It was that of a young Nikolai, no older than ten years of age as he sprinted around the castle in search of his best friend. As the moment when he found her, his lips had twitched to mirror the smile he held now. A smile that you display to show your adoration towards the person.

At that time he simply wanted to show her the fireflies that were swarming a large tree in the garden, but it was nonetheless filled with the same energy and warmth.

"Missed me, moya tsaritsa?" His playful words brought you back to the present. He had insisted on calling you a queen even though you were still a princess for as long ad you could remember.

And so you replied with a charming grin, "Keep dreaming, moi tsar".

===============================

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns. See you make your way through the crowd and say hello. Little did I know.

When someone from the royal family comes back successful from a mission of any sorts, it's almost tradition to throw a small party. This time, Ravka's younger prince had returned from a dangerous expedition that had also earned him a bullet being wedged in his arm.

And naturally the king, as boastful as he was did indeed organize a lavish gathering of their family and alliances. Your family was of course the first one to receive an invitation.

The news of Nikolai's achievement had reached you through the man himself and to say you were proud would be an understatement. After fretting over his injury and scolding him for almost dying, you had laughed at his jokes and hugged him tight.

Standing in front of the large mirror you admired yourself, being quite startled by your own beauty. It seemed as if you had never looked this good before.

You chuckled at your own silly thoughts and placed the family heirloom, a beautiful sapphire necklace around your neck, taking one last look before leaving.

Nikolai on the other hand wanted to escape this hell hole desperately. He couldn't stand another minute of people widening their eyes and pointing at him, as though they had never heard of a prince getting shot before.

But he held on just for that one person, who was again fashionably late.

Speak of the devil and she shall appear, he thought after spotting your father walking through the grand doors.

His heart had suddenly took up its pace the minute he laid his eyes on you, making him strangely breathless. His gaze was focused as he watched you walking with every bit of elegance, though he knew that you tripped over literal air.

He softly smiled at a memory and felt his breath hitch as you made eye contact. His hazel irises meeting your sparkling ones and it felt like time had come to a halt.

However he didn't dwell too much on the unfamiliar feeling and unconsciously smoothed his hair and started walking closer to greet your parents.

"Ah there he is, the man of the evening," your father said brightly and shook his hand.

Nikolai smiled back pleasantly and engaged in small talks before finally giving you his undivided attention.

"Quite the spectacle you are," you grinned and took a step forward, subtly scanning him from head to toe.

"Of course I am, I'm the future king for Saint's sake!" He laughed and leaned in without even realizing what he was doing. He just felt that you were too far away and gave in to his mind's demands to be closer.

"You feeling alright now? The wound isn't troubling you, is it?"

"Oh not you too!" He groaned and ran his fingers through his styled hair, ruffling it now. "It's nothing much, I'm fine. I've already had fifty people asking me and you're the latest".

"I worry about you, idiot".

"You don't have to," he replied softly. "I'm always gonna be alright," he winked cheekily.

"You'll definitely survive all those battles but I'm sure your overblown ego is gonna get you killed someday".

"Oof," he shut his eyes tightly and brought his hand towards his heart. "You're hurting me".

"That's the entire point, love".

===============================

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles and my Daddy said stay away from Juliet. And I was crying on the staircase, begging you please don't go.

"Coming Father," you called out and placed the book on the bed before rushing down the stairs.

"Good you're here," he smiled at you and gestured for you to take a seat. "I've got a few marriage proposals from different princes, take a look at them".

"You what?" The question slipped past, your voice coated woth disbelief. "I told you I didn't want to get married so soon".

"Oh we're not getting you swept away the next day," he said impatiently. "Just have a look at these pictures and shortlist the ones that you like".

You breathed in deeply, your heart erratic as you twisted the small heart-shaped necklace, given to you by the same person who had fully occupied your mind at the present.

Nikolai.

Your feelings were emerging once again and you buried them deeply, pushing down so you could atleast look at the photos your father had brought. Maybe he would be one of the choices?

But alas, he wasn't.

Most of the faces were strange, never seen before and only heard of, while some were friendly. You tried to stop the small amoumt of disgust in your throat. Some of these gentlemen were like brothers, almost family.

You were involuntarily shaking your head after keeping the last one down and your father looked in your direction. "No?"

"No," you responded, swallowing harshly.

"Okay no worries, I'll get some more".

You smiled tightly and hastily went to your bedroom. You had to speak with Nikolai, it had been over two years since you held obvious affection for the handsome prince. You had to act on it. There was no other choice.

But how could you? Knowing that there was always a huge chance of being rejected. You being a princess was a plus point, but what guarantee did you have that his parents would accept you even through your good relation.

You could speak with your father, but what if he miraculously agreed and the Lantsovs rejected later on. It would be shameful.

Nikolai should know about this, about your likes towards him, you muttered to yourself and a sudden gust of bravery or stupidity swept ove you.

You decided to talk to your father first, wanting to convince him before facing the other side. And taking a deep breath, you followed your instinct.

The talk in itself was okay, your father was a man who listened to the other's side fully before coming to a conclusion and you appreciated that. But just after the conversation was over from your side, he dropped the missile that turned your world upside down.

It felt as though the skies had opened up in a terrible downpour and lightning was crashing all around.

"He wh- what?" Yoir voice trembled, unable to believe his answer.

"I'm only telling you the truth, my dear. He's going to leave the palace, go somewhere else for a long time. He claims it'll help him understand the country better".

"But- He didn't tell me... He didn't say anything at all".

But your father just gave you a look of sympathy, "He doesn't care about anyone else except for himself, that one".

"I'm going there- I need to see him," you grabbed your coat from the stand kept in the corner, already rushing out as your father called you.

"I'll be fine!" You ripped your arm from his grip. "Please," you whispered. "Let me go".

He sighed, looking at you before releasing your hand, "Go safely. But don't come back to tell me that I didn't tell you otherwise".

It had taken almost twenty minuted to reach the palace and you were glad to have chosen horseback rather than a carriage. As soon as you gave your stallion to the caretaker, your feet were sprinting across the garden to find your idiot of a friend.

"NIKOLAI!" You screamed, frantically turning your head side to side as you searched. "NIKOLAI LANTSOV!"

"Holy Saints calm down, woman. Did you inhale an entire barrel of kvas to yell like that?" The man in question mused.

You didn't speak a work and dragged him by the arm, not attempting to be gentle as you led him into the secluded courtyard.

"What's going on?" He asked, a frown spreading across his face.

"Don't tell me it's true- Please don't tell me it's the truth goddamnmit!"

"What're you saying? Will you just calm down for a moment yeah?"

"Are you leaving the city to wander off to some saints forsaken place or not?" You got straight to the point, stepping closer and narrowing your eyes to detect any lies.

"Oh that," his smile fell as he grimaced. "Yes I am going away for some time".

All of the anger residing inside of you disappeared at his admission, leaving behind a burnt fire and warm ashes, all grey and dull. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I," he began but huffed and looked around. "I knew you wouldn't like the decision. You would've told me it'd be better if I were to remain within the walls, so that I'll have a better chance at the throne. But how will I learn about my country then?"

"You can tour around! Go on expeditions and roam as much as you bloody want to!" You reasoned, voice beginning to shake as you swallowed the lump.

"It wouldn't be the same, lapushka," he murmured and took your hands but you moved them out of his grasp.

"Please don't go," you now whispered, eyes brimming with unshed tears signalling that you were on the verge of crying. Something that he picked on instantly.

"Hey," he said, slightly panicking inside as he cupped your cheeks. "It's only for a few months, love. I'm gonna be back soon".

"You don't understand, Nik," you stepped away from his touch and his hands fell down hopelessly.

His eyebrows furrowed, "Then help me to".

You exhaled, a lonely tear slipping your holds at last, "My father wants me to get married. And he's looking for possible suitors".

===============================

And I said, Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run. You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess, it's a love story baby just say yes.

"You're going to get married?" He asked, shocked to the core. His heart was screaming for him to cancel all his arrangements and talk to her father himself.

"Yes," you gave him a small, hollow answer.

"No that's- that can't be-"

"-Possible?" You cut him off and he looked at you blankly. "Why not? I'm a princess and have reached the age. I could've gotten married sooner if it wasn't for my opposition".

He clenched his jaw and his gaze hardened, he wad conflicted and rightfully so.

On one hand he wanted to leave the palace just so he could actually do some work for the benefits of Ravka and on the other he wanted nothing more than to throw every plan down the drain and ask for your hand in marriage.

It was a tough battle between his mind and his heart. And at the end, he chose his reasoning, leaving behind his emotions.

"I'm sorry," he said, almost flinching at the way your eyes seemed to shatter in front of him. He would never forget the way they lost their sparkle, the way your very soul deflated, all because of him.

"No," you shook you head. "Please just stay".

"I can't, I'm truly sorry. But I can't, I can't stay here with you".

Your tears had dried up, the emotions becoming cold as you appeared distant, "Then take me with you".

His eyes widened, "Darling listen to me, please. You honestly think that I'd ever allow you to throw away your life like that?"

"Then why give up yours?"

"I'm replaceable," he smiled sadly. "Whereas you are not. You're a princess, you should be here with your family and your people".

"Don't you think that applies to you as well?"

"Tell me honestly, have I ever gotten any sort of remarkable work done in the courts during all these years? I haven't," he answered before you even opened your mouth. "The only way I'll be able to help is by being outside, in the fields".

"Let me come with you," you said with a fierce glint in your eyes. You could tell that this battle was hanging by a thread and you were going to lose.

"I can't do that, you know as well as I do. Your family would never allow it".

"I'll fight them".

He gave a hollow chuckle, "Why? Why're you so intent on going against your family's expectations to just come with me?"

You didn't even have a second to think before the words came bursting out, they were held it for too long and were bound to come spilling some day. "Because you have bewitched me, body and soul!"

He stared, rooted to the spot as he waited for those specific words.

"And I l- I lo- I love you," you managed, gasping a little as though breathless. "Most ardently".

"You do?" He asked, not at all sounding like his usual confident self, instead he seemed conscious and insecure.

"Of course I do, Nik," you laughed softly despite yourself and pressed your palms to his chest, hearing his heart thumping.

A look of pain flashed across his face that went unnoticed by you. He wanted so badly to kiss you senseless then and there, to tell her that he loves her too, that he adores her.

"I love you too," he admitted and his eyes glazed over, knowing that he had most probably given you a huge sense of hope and he hated himself for it. "But I'm so sorry, love. I can't take you with me".

Your heart had swelled for a fraction of second before returning back to being miserable. He held feelings for you too, it felt great to hear him say that. Then why on earth were your insides slowly but surely shattering one by one.

You gave up, not wanting to seem overly desperate though you had possibly crossed that already. You just wanted a yes, a simple three letter word that suddenly looked as if it carried all if the complexities of life.

The one thing you were glad about was that he hadn't made a move to kiss you.

What else was there to say? Absolutely nothing, nothing at all.

"Have a safe journey, Nikolai," you gave him a tight-lipped smile, pursing your lips to prevent another round of fresh tears as you turned around, accpeting your wait.

But he took hold of your hand, slowly walking closer till his chest brushed your back and made you face him. His palm went towards your right cheek as you leaned into his warm touch, "I'll come back. I'll come back for you, I promise".

You didn't say anything yet somehow he understood the unspoken question.

But would it be enough?

I love you so much," he cupped both of your cheeks and you saw the agony on his face. He wanted to kiss you deeply but was holding back, and you were glad.

You couldn't bring yourself to answer, as if someone had shut your vocal chords. But one look at the slow tears flowing down his face made you sigh loudly as you threw yourself in his arms.

"I love you too".

===============================

So I sneak out to the garden to see you. We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew, so close your eyes. Escape this town for a little while. 'Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter and my Daddy said stay away from Juliet. But you were everything to me, I was begging you please don't go.

You couldn't contain your excitement, as could be observed from the slight bounce in your steps as you neared the spot that Nikolai had mentioned in his letter.

Surprisingly enough, your gentleman was already present making you raise your eyebrows. "You must've been punctual for the first time in your life, am I right?"

He turned around swiftly, a huge smile stretching his lips as he hungrily took you in. His gaze swept over you, going from your beautiful eyes, trailing down and lingering in your lips and going downwards.

It had been four months, and he seemed a tad bit older. A faint stubble dusting his face as he stepped closer with a smirk.

"Missed me, moya tsaritsa?" He laughed, arms being raised to catch you as though it was second nature for him.

"Keep dreaming, moi tsar," you chuckled close to his ears and then buried your head in his neck.

A deep sigh left his lungs as you two swayed on the spot before pulling back, not realizing the amount of tension present until the very last second.

Your breath hitched as his fanned yours, both set of eyes moving towards each other's lips, staring at the spot. And simultaneously they flitted back to look at the other, pausing for a second before leaning closer.

Absolute perfection, was all that could describe your kiss. It started of soft, as you both tested the waters and then found a rhythm unique to yourselves.

He stole another kiss before pulling away, looking quite dazed, "Saints that was, everything I dreamt of".

It was your time to smirk teasingly now, "You dreamt about me, Nik?"

"You have no idea just how much, darling".

A blush was quick to settle on your cheeks and you looked away, biting your lip to prevent a chuckle.

"No don't stop yourself, I wish to hear every single laughter of yours. These past months seemed like hell without you. I almost felt as though I'm bound to go insane without your jokes and annoying humour".

You grinned cheekily which later softened as your thumb caressed his cheek, "I felt the same. I honestly have no idea how I managed to spend all these days without you".

He simply smiled and tugged you so that your head would rest on his shoulder and you laughed internally at the hopeless romantic.

"How's everything at home?" He asked, leaning his head against yours.

Your body stiffened and he felt it almost immediately, "It's... A little tense I can say".

"Why? What's wrong?" He asked, eyes searching yours frantically. "Is it about the marriage thing again?"

"Partly yes, but they're also a little angry at you. They don't like us being in contact with each other. Father says you're giving me false hopes and I'll have my heart broken in the end".

He suddenly seemed alarmed and turned his entire body towards you, making sure you understand the seriousness in his words. "Okay first of all, there's no end in us. You and me, we're destined to be together, alright? And secondly, no way in hell am I going to be stupid enough to let go of one of the best things to happen in my life. I adore you too much for that ".

"I know," you said with equal sincerity. "And that's one of the reasons why my silly little heart opened its closed chambers for you that easily".

"It goes both ways, my love".

And then and there, it felt like you were going through a cardiac arrest.

My love.

My love.

All these years were spent with you two throwing terms of endearment at each other to a point where it became a habit. But he had only referred to you as his because of one particular nickname, and that was completely casual, almost an inside joke.

But this, it seemed way more intimate. And you were totally loving it.

===============================

And I said, Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run. You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess, it's a love story baby just say yes. Romeo save me they're trying to tell me how to feel, this love is difficult, but it's real. Don't be afraid we'll make it out of this mess, it's a love story baby just say yes.

"Father, I think we've been through this enough times now".

"And I think that it's now time to go over once more," he said, getting steadily angry.

"What is there to speak? You already know everything that's going on," you explained, hands wringing out helplessly.

"I've held on for a long, long time now. It has been 2 years for Saint's sake! There's no news of that boy, rumour has it that he's a pirate- A pirate?! And he's made no move whatsoever to contact you and I'm supposed to entertain the thought of your marriage? I don't think settling down has even crossed his mind".

"I understand," you tried to coax the fire in his eyes. "But you must also believe the fact that he loves me".

"And what has he done to prove this love?" He questioned sharply.

"I-" You didn't have an answer. Nikolai had made his affections quite clear through his actions, his words and his touches. But how could you possibly explain that when nobody was aware of you sneaking out to meet him.

"You are going to finalise a suitor, I'll have a complete list ready in three days," he ended the discussion with a finality in his tone.

"Father-"

"I have nothing more to say. Enough is enough now".

"Just- Just give him some time, please".

"Time? He had two years! According to me that seems more than enough already!"

"Two months?" You tried once again.

"No".

"One month?"

He raised his eyebrow, surprised and also unconvinced at the same time. "You think that someone who hasn't made an appearance in two years... Would suddenly pop up in thirty days?"

"Give him a chance," you said firmly now, despite the uncertainty crawling through you.

"Fine. You have a month, and if he doesn't show his face then I'm sorry to tell you, you're going to married off immediately".

"I agree," you nodded slowly and he left the room without further talks.

You heaved a breath, hands going to hold your head in agony. You yourself had no idea whether he would actually listen to you and come. But it was worth a try.

He was worth a try.

And what's the worst thing that could happen anways? He won't show up and you'd be forced to marry someone, atleast that someone would be of your choice, you thought bitterly.

You decided to sent him a letter filled with every bit of sentiment just so he could understand the severity of the situation. And you knew he would as he cared about you.

Nik,

I hope whatever you're doing out there is going on fine and you're safe and breathing. I wouldn't put it past you to be laughing madly once second and being shot by the next.

Things are becoming steadily interesting here, and also quite concerning. This is probably the first time in my entire life that I've felt such an amount of panic seize control of my mind.

I wish you were here, love. Would've really appreciated the comfort. But well, if you actually were here, it would be a whole lot different too.

I don't know what else to say, so I'm getting straight to the point. My father has now reached his limits, or even crossed them. He refuses to listen to me and wants to get me engaged in two months. I can't even blame him anymore, Nikolai. It has been two years since you left, and you're losing the only popularity that was there.

He has given you a month's time though, at my insistence. And this is most definitely the last time that he'll listen to any of my requests. You have a month, Nik, a month to get here and ask for my hand. And I'm writing to you to make sure that you will actually come and not make me a fool, though I know you like to laugh at me every once in a while.

You're coming home, you are coming back to me. You have to, or you're going to lose me forever. Be quick, my love. Please. I'm waiting here for you and now it has started to hurt me. My heart's paining from your absence, it craves the love and affection it so deserves. And you are the only one to ever fulfil that.

Consider this my last and final letter to you, Nikolai Lantsov. I don't think I'll be writing to you again. Saints I have absolutely no idea whether you still love me or not. I know deep inside that you do, you would always will. But maybe you found someone there? Someone who's taken more of your heart than I ever could. I don't know.

And now I feel even more conflicted. I think love is always worth making sacrifices for. But I'm not sure whether ours is still the same as it was... Your last letter to me was a year ago, my love. A lot can happen in that given time.

Sending my best wishes to you and whoever you work with. Tell them that I understand how difficult it is to do any type of job with you. You're a stubborn asshole nearly half of the time. And Nik, I hope you're happy.

Love,

Me.

===============================

And I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you was fading, when I met you on the outskirts of town. And I said, Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come.

What you were feeling couldn't actually be described, even by yourself. What did you even feel? Anger? Pain? Betrayal? Heartbreak? You weren't sure.

But it was making you really short-tempered and miserable the past two weeks. The month was soon ending, with only five days to go and your emotions were at their peak, scattering all around the place as you could slowly sense your heart breaking down into tiny pieces.

You had already chosen your soon to be husband as well. He was a friend, not a very close one but a familiar face nonetheless. Better than being tied to to a stranger.

And your family was starting to make all the arrangements too, them being sure that no way was Nikolai going to come back. What will only five days to go, they were a hundred percent sure, and you, you felt your belief in him wavering.

You sighed, slowly coming to terms with your destiny. Maybe it was not him, but you who was the hopeless romantic and fool all this time. You couldn't help but feel your faith melting away with every passing second.

And you didn't like that one bit. Since all the years you had known him, he hadn't given you a single reason to suggest that he would ever break your trust. Always keeping his every promise. Until now.

You had imagined that you were going to find your prince charming and be swept off your feet while being so in love. The prince part was bound to happen, but you weren't sure about 'charming'.

It would be unfair on your husband, though you had chosen him, your heart had already belonged to someone else.

It was tough to love someone, and even more difficult being in love with someone who wasn't coming back. You had waited, going against your families expectations and constantly earning yourself disappointed looks from each one of them.

But he let you down. The one man you thought would never even think of hurting you, now had you shattered.

You rested your head on your knees and hugged them while staring far away blankly, your face an open book to your soul.

And then the universe decided to bring in another huge twist that will completely alter your life in the form of something- or rather someone coming towards you.

You looked up alarmed at the sudden sound of hooves and squinted to see in the soft sunlight. When the person was close enough to be recognizable, your mouth hung open in utter shock and disbelief.

Nikolai Lantsov had arrived, you thought with wide eyes. And he was here to wreak havoc.

===============================

Is this in my head I dunno what to think. He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said, marry me Juliet you'd never have to be alone. I love you and that's all I really know. I talked to your Dad go pick out a white dress it's a love story baby just say, yes.

You moved a step forward, putting one foot after the other like you were in a trance, not conscious of your actions and unable to comprehend the situation.

There he was, your man. Standing feet apart from you.

You pressed your lips tightly to prevent the emotions raining down and blinked to get rid of the tears. "You came," you whispered with glossy eyes.

"You called," he said simply, tilting his head to admire you with tenderness.

Your restraints were surely slipping away as you wanted nothing more than to pull him in the tighest hug ever. But before you could act on it, he stepped back, making you look at him confused.

But then your eyes widened comically and you gaped as he got down on a knee, giving you a wink before opening a black leather box before you and presenting the beautiful ring with a small diamond glittering at the centre.

He knew you didn't like things that were overly fancy so he settled on a silver one with an elegant band encrusted with the hardest element.

Because like the diamond, your love too was subjected to immense pressure and together, you emerged victorious.

"I gave you a lot of trouble, didn't I?" He began his fully improvised speech and looked at you with a particular glint as though you were the one who hung those stars that he so loved.

"That might be an understatement," you joked despite your throat being blocked due to emotions.

"It is," he said genuinely, his statement completely opposite to your earlier humorous one. "And I'm terribly sorry for that, darling. I never in my wildest thoughts intended on hurting you or causing you any amount of pain".

"I know," you smiled comfortingly.

"I never really understood just how dependent I was on you. I never realized your significance in my life until you were about to go away. I-" he swallowed and his face contorted making your insides clench.

"But I'm here now and I'm never going to leave you alone, not again. I'll take you with me if I have to and I promise to be with you, always, for the rest of my life. I hope you give me that privilege by being mine and allowing me to become yours".

I was already yours to begin with. Right from the moment I understood what love was.

But you didn't voice anything, too busy in controlling yourself.

"I reflected on myself the past couple of days and I came to a conclusion. Everything somehow is alaays better with you, and everything has been better since you. I'll never find words that are beautiful enough to describe just what you mean to me, but I'd like to spend my lifetime searching for them".

"I love it when you smile, but I love it even more when I'm the reason for it. Will you let me be that cause? Will you help me in being a better version of myself just so I will be worthy of you? Will you marry me, my love?"

"You had always been worthy," you replied and couldn't help it as a fresh round of tears did fall down your cheeks as that three letter word came tumbling through your lips. The one that you had asked him before but he had denied and now he was the one to question, "Yes, yes, of course yes".

There was a sudden, loud burst of cheers and applause and you turned to see your family standing there, everybody having a huge grin on their faces as they watched Nikolai slip the ring on your finger.

"I love you, my princess," he pulled you closer by the waist and touched his forehead to yours.

"I love you, my heart," you smiled back and sealed the deal with a passionate kiss.

===============================

'Cause we were both young, when I first saw, you.

The day had finally come. After numerous struggles, fights and battles it had now arrived. It was Nikolai Lantsov's coronation.

The palace was in a state of frenzy. All the staff moving here and there to ensure that all the arrangements were fulfilled. The decorations done in the castle took its grandeur to another level. All the gifts brought in by other kings and royals showed the wealth and love received by Ravka.

You too had finished the touch ups on your face done by Genya Safin and were currently moving towards your bedroom in search of your husband. You opened the door and leaned against the doorframe with your arms crossed, taking in the sight.

The soon-to-be king was standing in front of his full sized mirror, a frustrated look on his face as he adjusted his clothes and hair every now and then, seemingly unhappy.

"What's the matter?" You asked and walked to stand beside him.

"How do I look?" The pure innocence in his question made you cackle hysterically while he just stared unimpressed.

"Sorry sorry," you grinned and he turned to give you his full attention, just now taking you in as he let his eyes wander.

"Oh for the love of Saints," he whispered and snaked his arm around your waist, pulling your body flush against his. You looked majestic, he thought in awe. His mouth hung open slightly and a faint blush dusted his cheeks.

"You look great too," you replied and your hands went around his neck. "Quite handsome".

He shook his head, "The glow that you carry with you is just so splendid that even the moon is nothing but a shadow in your light".

It was your turn to turn scarlet and you buried your face in his neck, feeling him chuckle as he pressed a kiss to your hair.

"Thank you," he said. "I don't really say it that much but I'm grateful for all the times you solved my problems and took vare of my worries again and again".

"For you, a thousand times over".

You had underestimated just how long the ceremony would be. You had been waiting impatiently and finally thr crown was placed on Nikolai's head.

The crowd erupted into cheers as they all celebrated their new king and you joined in enthusiastically, your face shining with pride.

Next it was your turn and you closed your eyes, feeling him intertwining his fingers with yours when the crown of the queen adorned you. The burden was already felt as though the citizens had decided to drop their worries on your shoulders and you vowed to be worthy of their trust.

"Long live the king! Long live the queen!" The priest said loudly and the people repeated after him with joy.

You two stood next to each other hand in hand and bowed respectfully. Making sure they understand that your actions were nothing but genuine. Hoping that they'd see that they weren't cheering and applausing for wastrels and show offs, but rather for two of the most loyal, brave and just rulers you'd ever come across. They were someome who would not hesitate to lay down their lives it it meant their people would be safe.

As soon as the ceremony was over the celebrations began. And as expected, you two had been pulled apart from each other. The crowds swarming you so they could get a chance to talk to their new royals.

You engaged in all of the conversations fairly well. Chatting, greeting and laughing with the guests while always keeping your smile intact. But after a point it was getting too much. You needed to get away and so you listened to your mind that was screaming for you to sit down.

Your eyes drifted around to land on him as naturally as ever. He was still laughing with the other guests and you couldn't fathom exactly how he managed it.

Your feet hurt and you tried your best to soothe your heels while simultaneously feeling the urge to rip your dress because you were sweating profusely.

Exhaustion lined your face making you sigh and you rested your palm on your cheek while closing your eyes. Hoping to get some amount of peace.

But a sudden poke to your shoulder just seconds later jolted you awake and you narrowed your eyes at the playing grin visible on the culprit's face.

"I was trying to get some sleep".

Nikolai simply smiled and took hold of your hands, pulling you in a standing position and successfully emitting a groan from you. After a moment though you relaxed and allowed your body to be slumped against his. He chuckled softly in your ears and caught you, securely wrapping his arms around your waist and holding you close.

"Missed me, moya tsaritsa?"

"Keep dreaming, moi tsar".

===============================

#nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai x reader #nikolai lantsov #the grisha trilogy #grishaverse #Spotify

[bi-bard]

Unreal Unearth - Hozier Writing Challenge Masterlist

Hello! Here's the writing challenge masterlist for Hozier's "Unreal Unearth".

This is easily one of the most beautiful albums I've ever listened to it. It is full of gorgeous lyrics and music. I hope that the stories I have constructed for it can reflect that.

I hope you guys enjoy these stories!

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De Selby (Pt. 1)

And Sit Unseen, With Only the Inner Upheld Jack Kline X Reader [Supernatural] Summary: Two Nephilims find themselves taking shelter with the Winchesters. However, no safety and security could match up to true connection and understanding.

De Selby (Pt. 2)

I Wanna Fade Away with You Dick Grayson X Reader [HBO's Titan] Summary: (Y/n) and Dick's connection was one to be envied. By friends and family and anyone who had known them. This connection is good until it seems to be turning Dick into someone different. Now, the biggest question is whether or not that change is bad.

First Time

Some Part of Me Came Must Have Died the Final Time You Called Me, "Baby" Joel Miller X Reader [HBO's The Last of Us] Summary: Joel is offered a rare glimpse of hope after the apocalypse had started. However, the universe can pull away signs of hope just as fast it can offer them.

Francesca

If I Could Hold You for a Minute, I'd Go Through It Again Sam Winchester X Angel!Reader [Supernatural] Summary: Love can lead to the sacrifice of many things.

I, Carrion (Icarian)

If I Should Fall, On that Day, I Only Pray, Don't Fall Away From Me Alina Starkov X Reader [Shadow & Bone] Summary: Alina never wanted to drag (Y/n) into a battle that should have been hers to fight. However, (Y/n)'s own stubbornness led to them being on the front lines when the time came. All that could be done was hope that they could find a way out of the darkness surrounding them.

Eat Your Young

It's Quicker and Easier to Eat Your Young Peaky Blinders X Child!Reader [Peaky Blinders] Summary: A new gang attempts to put down roots in Birmingham, much to the displeasure of the Shelbys. However, as tensions rise, more is revealed about this new gang... including some concerning cracks in the foundation.

Damage Gets Done

You and I Had Nothing to Show but the Best of the World in the Palm of Our Hand Daisy Jones X Reader [Daisy Jones & the Six] Summary: In which two dear friends find themselves face-to-face years after they lost contact with each other and it's as if a day had never truly passed. Except that it did. The only question will be what they will do now that it had and they were both such different people.

Who We Are

And the Hardest Part is Who We Are Nikolai Lantsov X Reader [Shadow & Bone] Summary: A long line of unfortunate events leads two old friends to learn more about each other and themselves.

Son of Nyx

Son of Nyx Crowley X Reader [Good Omens] Summary: Crowley is forced to find a newly fallen angel and ensure that they are brought down to Hell. Through the fear-induced chase, an act of kindness finds its place between Crowly and the new demon.

All Things End

And Just Knowin' that Everything Will End Should Not Change Our Plans Merlin X Reader [BBC's Merlin] Summary: A story of love, loss, and accepting the inevitable.

To Someone From a Warm Climate (Uiscefhuarithe)

And Darlin', All My Dreamin' has Only Been Given a Name Anthony Bridgerton X Reader [Bridgerton] Summary: When Anthony goes from perfectly friendly to all too distant, (Y/n) is left scrambling for some kind of explanation. The only question will be how long it takes for Anthony to provide such an answer.

Butchered Tongue

A Butchered Tongue Still Singin' Here Above the Ground Morgana X Reader [BBC's Merlin] Summary: Morgana escapes from Camelot after her attempt to tear apart the kingdom and kill Uther. Now alone, she finds some kindness in (Y/n), who may end up being far more important than Morgana would have ever considered.

Anything But

I Would Do Everything Just to Run Away The Corinthian X Reader [The Sandman] Summary: A dream is convinced to follow a nightmare out of the safety of the Dreaming. They learn just how much of a mistake that was... and how careful they must be to get home.

Abstract (Psychopomp)

All My Love and Terror Balanced Between Those Eyes Will Graham X Reader [NBC's Hannibal] Summary: A collection of nightmares that have been haunting Will the most recently.

Unknown/Nth

And There are Some People, Love, Who are Better Unknown The Master X Reader [Doctor Who] Summary: [End of Season 12] The Master was known for doing whatever was necessary to get what he wanted. However, after so much time together, (Y/n) wanted to believe that they would be offered some kind of mercy. Oh, how wrong they were.

First Light

But After This I'm Never Gonna Be the Same and I Am Never Going Back Again Eleventh Doctor X Reader [Doctor Who] Summary: (Y/n) had never known true peace like they did with the Doctor. They had never known such support, such acceptance, such love. What will happen when (Y/n) learns that their perfect existence isn't all that they thought it was?

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Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

#fanfiction #imagine #x reader #hozier #supernatural imagine #dc imagine #hannibal imagine #doctor who imagine #the sandman imagine #titans imagine #merlin imagine #bridgerton imagine #good omens imagine #shadow and bone imagine #daisy jones and the six imagine #peaky blinders imagine #lucifer imagine #supernatural x reader #supernatural fanfiction #dc fanfiction #dc x reader #hannibal fanfiction #hannibal x reader #doctor who fanfiction #doctor who x reader #the last of us fanfiction #the last of us x reader #the last of us imagine

[unrequitedloveletter]

The Fire That Burns Within- N.L x fem! reader Chapter Ten

Masterlist

Okay!! This is the second-last chapter before the epilogue.  I finished writing this after a couple of days of demotivation off of the dopamine from hitting word goals coupled with a several hour writing sprint, and it’s been fun! My writing process when it comes to series is generally a little chaotic outside of single-part fics and this fic wasn’t exempt from the chaos lol. Thank you for coming on this chaotic ride with me, I hope you’ve had as much fun as I have. 

On another note, I’ve been chipping away at requests this week and one should come out by sunday, at the latest. My requests also open a week from tomorrow and a whole lot of stuff is happening with the blog this june, so yeah! It’s been a busy while witg everything going on and if you still have a request you’re waiting for and haven’t given up on me yet, thank you!! 

Fic type- bittersweet fluff

Warnings- mentions of death

Weeks flew by in what felt like a matter of days, and the next thing you knew, you were face to face with Nikolai, taking in the scars on his hands, the coldness that had found a place in his touch.

"And you're all right?" You asked.

"I’m fine, gorgeous," Nikolai said with a nod. "You weren't worried, were you?"

The time in between the attack on the Spinning Wheel and where you stood, in the Unsea, had been very annoying. You were worried about the guy you had claimed to hate until Tolya drunkenly pointed out that love and hatred were sometimes so similar that they could feel like the exact same thing. You'd wanted to kill him in that moment, but after a lot of thinking, you realized he was right.

Somewhere along the line--probably the night he'd talked you down after you had barely managed to explain that the world was terrifyingly quiet, or maybe a day or two before amidst your bickering--you had stopped hating him, started to fall in love, and the emotions surrounding the Darklings having infected Nikolai with merzost had only made it more intense.

You'd agonized over Nikolai constantly in the preparation for the battle. You had missed him and it was hurting like hell. In the time spent missing the guy you realized you loved at the worst time, you realized how terrible it was indeed to realize you loved someone when they could've either been dead or thousands of miles away. It was terrible when they were so far out of reach it was almost impossible to fathom.

"I wanted you to be alive in the very least," you said. Nikolai grinned.

"Alina told me about it when she tried to burn the merzost away," he said. "You, agonizing over where I was, yearning to hear the sound of my voice? Perhaps even the press of my lips, she'd said. According to her, you were acting like a woman who's husband had died at sea. She reflected on it humorously, but it brought me back down to earth for a bit. Thank you."

"I did not--" you cut yourself off. You had been acting like you'd lost someone important, and there was absolutely no point in denying that in front of the reason you had been acting as you did. "I did want to hear your voice. I missed our bickering, but the press of your lips? If I wanted to kiss you at all at the Spinning Wheel, I would've asked."

You'd wanted to kiss him the night he'd helped you away from a panic attack, but you had not. You supposed it made your words a lie, but as you gazed at him--at his perfect eyes and the perfect hair that managed to look like lightened molten gold in the sun--you decided it was fine.

"You can kiss me whenever you want," Nikolai said. "All you need to do is say the word."

You scoffed. "Buy me a proper dinner first, Lantsov."

Nikolai laughed. Your heart gave a funny little jump. "As any decent man would," he said. "Tonight. If you find yourself with Tamar and Tolya when the Darklings corpse is burned, come by the tents after. We'll eat and talk."

"We're talking as it is, are we not?"

"There are other objects of importance that need discussing," he hummed. "Away from the ears of the sun summoners that the destruction of the Fold has created."

You gave a nod and left, missing the feel of his hand in yours as you walked away in search of Genya. - "The tailors did a scarily wonderful job," Alina said, shuddering slightly. Her hair was twinged a red similar to Genyas hair, likely taken from rooster feather. "That actually looks like me, white hair and all."

"Yeah," you said with a nod. "Tailors and their abilities frighten me sometimes. Really does look like you died next to him."

"You could leave Ravka if you got one of them to tailor you," Alina suggested. "If you still want to go like you did two months back, anyway."

"I've thought about it," you admitted. "Getting Genya or someone else to tailor me to look different, booking a boat ticket, and then leaving, but it's not that easy. Nik mentioned that there was something he wanted to discuss in private, and part of me does have to assume it's about whether I will stay or leave. I like to think my decision is made."

"Nik?" Alina asked with mischevious grin. "You call the prince Nik now, do you?"

"Apparently so," you said. "It's not worse than the fact that you told him I wanted to kiss him, or that it seemed like I missed his voice."

"You were acting like a widowed wife," Alina said pointedly. "You might've hated him at first, but you've come to like him, in the very least, since you first showed at the Spinning Wheel. It's fine if you do feel romantically inclined toward him. I thought I did once."

"It's the hair," you said with a laugh.

"And the smirk," Alina said with a nod. "And the charms that even you fell for."

The two of you stayed at the pyre for a long while, just watching it burn. You had grabbed your flint at one point, pushed the flames back in when they got too close for comfort. You and Alina listened idly to the joyous shouts, to the sound of violins and the barks of laughter as people rejoiced and danced until sunset fell, when you turned to bid her goodbye.

"Promise me you won't set him on fire when you two have your discussion?" Alina asked. You laughed.

"I make no promises," you hummed. "I rather think that the blond would look good if it were a bit charred around the edges, no?"

Alina snorted. "It might just, but try to make sure that it frames his face decently, or your efforts will have been for nothing," she let you go, gave you a grin. "If you become Queen like Mal has begun to think you will, you will make a better queen than any of the ones who came before. It was an honor to fight the war by your side."

"This from the bloody sun saint?" You asked, grin prickling the edges of your lips. "It was an honor of mine, Alina. I hope that, whatever life you settle into, it's good. I hope that it is as ordinary as you had hoped it would be from the very start."

"The love I feel for Mal is anything but," she said, looking over your shoulder. You turned in time to catch Mal, a grin on his face as he approached. "But our life will be as ordinary as we want it to be."

"Very ordinary indeed," Mal said with a nod. You clapped him on the shoulder as you walked away, turning your back on the only girl strong enough to kill the Darkling.

Zoya found you as you walked, looped her elbow through yours, and you let yourself grin.

You had not been so content in so long. It was a feeling you had missed.

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix

[ineffablebookgirl]

"Today is a new beginning, for all of Ravka. Hell, for our whole world. It's a bit daunting isn't it? Knowing where to go from here. We've had a singular focus for so long, and so much blood has been shed. After hundreds of years separated by the Fold, we can celebrate a unified Ravka. Our neighbors to the north will see us united and will aim to strike. But often it's not the battle that takes the most from us; it's the aftermath. The chance to put the pieces of our lives back together. When a firebird rises from the ashes, it is not the same. But in that rebirth is potential. Potential for new purpose. Thanks to what Alina has done for us, we all have a chance to better the world now that the Fold is gone. And above all, you must trust. Trust in each other, and in yourselves. Trust in the fact that this is the start of better days to come. And it won't be easy, of course. Nothing is." -- Tsar Nikolai Lantsov

I think Nikolai's speech over Kirigan's burning body tells the story of one of this season's main themes -- where does purpose come from? And what do we do when we achieve a goal we have built our identity around for so long?

The ghost of Jordie screaming into poor Kaz's face, "Who are you without your vengeance?"

Pekka Rollins telling Matthias he can give him what he's lost -- purpose.

Even Kirigan's whole ongoing pitch to Alina -- you need a villain, the country needs a villain, or all this falls apart.

Kirigan was motivated by vengeance after loss of the wife he loved, hundreds of years ago. And then we see his foil in the ancient Sankta Neyar / Ohval Saran, who uses her love of her many husbands as motivation for peace and contentment, who rejects war, and sees each new love as special, even though it is doomed (except the one she turned into a table, apparently).

When Mal comes back, and has lost his driving spirit, his True North pointing him to Alina, he's fulfilled the purpose he was made for, according to Baghra. When he asks Alina, what am I meant for now? she wants to answer, you were meant to be with me, but she stops herself, because she knows that he was meant for himself, that it is her selfishness that has brought him back without purpose, and it would be cruel to ask for him to make her his purpose again, if he doesn't feel it.

The show asks us, where does your purpose come from? Is it love? Is it vengeance? Vengeance for lost love? Where does loss come from? Without love there is no loss. So what do we do with the loss that inevitably comes from love?

Are we able to build a country, an identity, without something to fight against? Are we able to define ourselves by who and what we are *for* rather than who we oppose?

If we do get a third season, I'll be interested to see how the show answers some of these questions. I suspect it won't be simple.

#shadow & bone #shadow & bone spoilers #shadow & bone season 2 #shadow & bone season 2 spoilers #alina starkov #mal oretsev #general kirigan #aleksander morovoza #nikolai lantsov #kaz brekker #pekka rollins #matthias helvar #i've only seen the show not yet read the books #so this is based on the show only

[naushtheaspiringauthor]

~Child Of The Storm~

Nikolai Lantsov x OC

Image by - @brokendreamtale2

A/N- What are your favorite tropes? I personally adore friends to lovers, enemies to lovers and the grumpy x sunshine

Warnings- Bits of violence, ptsd, traumatic flashbacks throughout the chapters

taglist- @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy

..............................................................................................................................

Ch-6~Party tricks~

After her duel with Zoya,  everyone else gathered around her. Though she liked the popularity, she despised the questions that followed. How is she alive? Where was she this whole time? What happened to her parents? and everything that came to their minds. She somehow managed to get away from the training grounds.  Next, she had her training with Baghra, so she found herself going around the gardens to her hut. Baghra was a woman who taught students to hone their grisha abilities. She was said to be quite...eccentric and very ancient. Anaya was nervous for her training with her, as combat was something she excelled at and had a lot practice in, but was quite an amateur when it came to her grisha abilities. Ironic, the very thing that she was present in the Little Palace for, was the only thing she didn't excel at.

She walked for a while before the hut came in view. It had a ragged old stone door that was covered in vines. It looked like it had been abandoned long ago. She knocked on it a few times, but hesitantly went inside when no one came to open it. As soon as she wen inside, she was greeted with a wave of warm air.

"Close the door, you're letting all the heat out" she heard a voice from somewhere inside and quickly shut the door behind her. She slowly went inside and looked around her. The area was quite dark with the only source of light being the small fireplace in a corner. A woman suddenly appeared behind her with a long stick in her hand, her black hair secured in a half bun, with a few strands falling on her smooth and taut skin. She appeared no older than thirty, even though she'd have been said to be alive for many centuries. 

"Alright girl show me" Baghra spoke with an uninterested look

Anaya gave her a confused glance before she spoke again "Show me what you can do. Mold the water" Baghra gestured at a bucket filled with water

Anaya hesitated before she brought out her hands towards the bucket and waved her left arm in a circular motion. The water began to tremble before coming out of the bucket in a wave. She moved her hand sideways and the water rose upwards. She pulled her hands apart and the water hung around them in the air in the form of small droplets. She swung her hands again, making the water fall back in the bucket. She looked at it with a small grin but Baghra struck her arm with her stick from behind, making her quickly turn around.

"The hell was that for!?" She said with an indignant expression

"Being too happy with little tricks, are we? That's how you're going to win against your enemies girl, entertaining them with your little party tricks?"

"Well I'm trying, I don't have much practice in all this"

"You're terrible at the very thing they brought you back here for. And how long will it take for them to find that out and throw you back to whatever slum you'd been living in, when they realize that you're absolutely useless?" She cocked her head to the side and sat on her chair.

As much as she hated to admit it, she knew Bagra was speaking the truth. She bit the inside of her cheek and clenched her fists to prevent herself from speaking anything else.

"Come back when you've taken control over your ego and come to terms with the fact that you're in no way, any different than others".

Before thinking of anything else, Anaya hurried out of the hut.

"How are you adjusting to the surroundings, Miss Nasrazeen?" he spoke in a smooth and calm voice

"Oh well, it's not like I'm here for the first time, but it will take me some time to memorize my way around here" She shrugged her shoulders slightly

"Yeah that's true, I understand that the sudden change might be difficult for you"

"It is, I'd known some people who would be aware of my absence" She thought of Inej, who had attempted to save her even though Anaya had been the one to jeopardize her mission. And Jesper who probably had been waiting for her to come back to show her more of his terrible impersonation of the plays from the Komedie Brute. And Kaz, who would surely be on the verge of murdering her, if he ever saw her again.

"Oh, including the woman who killed several guards of mine?" he slightly tilted his head to the side and spoke in a light hearted tone

"Ah yes, her, especially her" Anaya chuckled slightly

"Well how was your training with Baghra?"

"She is, quite remarkable" She pursed her lips together. A thousand curse words came to her mind but she bit down her tongue and choose not to speak either one of them out loud.

"Baghra is a rather odd woman, but she means well" .

"I see you've become quite a popular figure in the span of a day" he spoke after a short pause.

"Yeah well you don't really see people, rising from the dead every other day"

"Yes, that is true" the corner of his mouth slightly turned up

They bid their farewells to each other and she went back to the little palace. She took off her boots as soon as she entered her room and sat on the bed.

"Heck of a day that was " she thought to herself. There had been a lot of things that she needed to process, as her whole life tremendously changed within a week.

She'd never expected to be here again, surrounded by the shiny walls of the little palace, among other grisha, in an enormous bedroom of her own, but yet, here she was.

She'd never though of seeing Zoya again, meeting Genya, and Baghra. Baghra "Jesper would've loved to his best imitation of her" she thought o herself and chuckled slightly. She took a heavy sigh and went to sit in front of her desk. She took out a piece of parchment from one of the drawers and began writing,

Jesper, it's me, Anaya. I'm writing this to you because I know that you will understand. Infact, no one else truly will. The whole thing is a little hard to explain but, I'm in Os Alta, the Little Palace, to be more precise. I didn't have much of a say in all this, but I don't really despise being here. Mostly because this is the place where I've spent my childhood, as long as I had one. Maybe this is what was wanted for me to be. But I do miss you, and Inej and maybe Kaz, but he will most likely murder me if he ever sees me again. I know I still have my debts to pay and I will, if I ever get to come back again. Take care of yourself and try not to gamble away everything you own. I hope you understand . No mourners

Yours, unfortunately

Anaya.

She put it in the envelope and placed in the drawer for the night. She took off her kefta and placed it on top of the chair. Wearing it, still felt strange and unfamiliar but she would get used to it, she need to.

She gave a small tug to the necklace her mother had given her, maybe this is what she would have wanted her to be, so she needed to be here, among these people.

#grishaverse #shadow and bone #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lanstov #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov fanfiction #nikolai lanstov x reader #shadow and bone netflix #nikolai lantsov x oc

[nikolai-lantsov-nazyalensky]

7 MINUTES OF HELL!

I propose

THE DARKLING AND MILO!!

@makemeyourdarkling and @immilothegoat

@likecallstolight @iamablade @call-the-storm @ruins-and-ruination @sodamnkostyk @queenofthewaffles @ihatethewayyoutalk @adrik-the-awful @pearl-handles-my-beloved @i-know-i-look-twelve @unbrekker @thesaintswraith

#grishatube #grishaverse #the darkling #sankt milo #general kirigan #aleksander morozova #the grisha trilogy #six of crows duology #nikolai duology #hell brought to you by Nikolai Lantsov #i can't wait to see it

[tj-wrote-things]

Recoveries

Hurt!fem!Reader x Nikolai Lantsov

Basically this is just a headcannons list of how I think Nikolai would act around you when you were hurt:)

A/N- I have not read Ruin and Rising, or either of the Nikolai duology i just love this conceited jerk so much and i just... needed to write for him,,

Nik is a worry wart

Hounding you about your bandages

Interrogating whatever poor healer was supposed to be watching over you

“Did she eat?”

“It wasn't too hot, yes? She hates it when her tongue goes numb-”

“You oaf, she can't have peanuts she’s allergic. What kind of healer are you!?”

100% at your beck and call

Like seriously

If he knew you’d ask for tea, he’d bring it

Hell id bet if you asked to Zemini custards he’d sail away and bring that

Its sweet until it become a little annoying

“Nikolai, I promise I can walk to the restroom myself”

“Do I look like I care, darling dearest?”

Immediately hooks his arm with yours and helps you walk.

You secretly love it

Honestly who wouldn't love having this bitch on your arm

At one point you got thirsty in the middle of the night, and the infirmary was empty.

At least you though it was

You felt pressure on your hand, and saw Nikolai, holding it.

He was asleep. With his head resting on the edge of your bed, body slouched over in the rickety chair he used to hang out with you during the day.

You squeeze his hand to wake him, and when he opens his eyes, they’re red

(ouch)

He grins, “Miss my smiling face already? That’s alright, I completely understand-”

You don't smile, beginning to worry about him

He’d been starting to neglect his duties in favor of staying with you.

“Nik you need to sleep.”

He sighs and you think he may cry again

“You were half dead, when I- when I brought you back here. I keep thinking if I leave you alone too long then-”

(OUCH)

Now your eyes are red. And wet. But your not crying. Totally 

“Sobackha, i'm not going anywhere.”

He swallows and nods, eyes cast away from you.

You lift a hand and bring it to his chin, tilting his face towards you.

“I’d miss your smiling face too much.”

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #Grishaverse #shadow and bone #six of crows #grisha #seige and storm #ruin and rising #lantsov #headcannons #fanfic #fanfiction #x reader

[nazyalenskyism]

How You Get The Girl (Part 2)

Summary: Part 2 of a Zoyalai AU  based on ‘How You Get the Girl.’ |  Nikolai tries to win Zoya back, but she’s not going to forgive him so easily.

A/N:  Zoya's reminded of all the good times she had with Nikolai, but is it enough? Thanks for reading, feedback is always really appreciated. 

How You Get The Girl (Part 1)        “Zoya, there’s someone here for you.”

        “I’m busy,” Zoya replied distractedly, her eyes fixed on the monitor before her, “tell them I’m not here.”

        “Zoya,” her new receptionist hesitated, “I tried, but he said, ‘tell Nazyalensky I know she can spare five minutes out of her busy schedule to meet with the CEO of Ravkan Industries,’ is he delusional, should I call security?” Zoya paused. Sending security to haul Nikolai out of the firm would be funny, but it would never happen. Unfortunately he probably knew the names of all of the security guards in her high rise office and sent them Christmas cards every year. Her fingers twitched around the pen she gripped in her hand, she only had another hour before she went home, and she’d taken the day off tomorrow so that she could spend it with Genya. Undoubtedly, Nikolai was here to try to weasel his way into her evening plans.

           Well, Zoya mused, if I accept whatever outrageous proposal he has for tonight, at least I won’t have to pay for it. And, if Nikolai was serious about wanting to win her back he would try as hard as he could to do so (like he did with everything), so it would be safe to assume he would splurge on her. You don’t have to take him back, you can just make fun of him the whole night and get a free dinner out of it too. She sighed, knowing this night was already doomed to be a disaster. Whatever, disasters were always more fun to deal with when Nikolai was involved. She pressed the comms button on her desk, “send him in. Tell him he has five minutes before I call security on him. But first, put him on the DNA list.”

                                                          ***

          Nikolai grinned at Zoya’s new assistant who was clearly flustered by the situation, though she did an excellent job in appearing unphased. Zoya’s old assistant must have left while they were still in the ‘try-to-contact-me-and-I’ll-run-you-over' stage of the last few months, seeing how her new assistant, Leoni, didn't know who he was. “What’s the DNA list?” he asked, blinking confusedly when she whipped out her phone, clearly snapping a picture of him. “Are you going to pull out a few of my hairs? What would Nazyalensky even want them for?”

          Leoni looked up, “ Miss Nazyalensky said that it’s classified information, sorry.”

          Nikolai peered at her screen, she was making a poster with the image she’d just taken of him, captioned with, ‘CEO of Ravkan Industries.’ “My name is Nikolai, if that helps. Nikolai Lantsov.”

          She waved him away, “you’re free to go in now. Have a nice day. Also, watch out, she’s very good at tearing men to shreds.”

          Nikolai let out a laugh, “thank you, Miss Hilli, I’ll keep that in mind. I also happen to have it on good authority that she won’t tear me to shreds tonight.”

          “Why not?”

          “Because I think she’s been expecting me for a while.”

          “You’ll need a better line than that to win her over.”

          Nikolai pressed his knuckles to the door, “it’s me.” He heard faint grumbling he assumed was Zoya cursing him out before the door opened automatically and he sauntered into the room. “I can’t believe you forgot to tell Leoni who I was, Nazyalensky. Can you imagine the blow to my ego when she didn’t recognize me?” He slipped into the chair across from her, attempting to snatch a piece of candy from the golden bowl on her desk.

          “Hey!” she snapped, swatting his hand away without even looking up at him, “I’m sure your gigantic ego can handle it.” she continued flipping through the papers on her desk, highlighting things before turning back to her computer, never once looking at him. After 10 minutes, he couldn’t take it anymore.

          “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?”

          “You know that I know why you’re here. You just want a chance to say it out loud.”

          “Right you are, Zoya dear! Tonight, you and I are spending the night out on the town.”

          She looked at him pointedly, “and why would I agree to that?”

          “Because we’re taking my car, and I’m paying for dinner.”

          She arched a brow, “you’re driving? What, no chauffeur today?”

          Grinning, Nikolai leaned back in his chair. “Well, I’m certainly not getting into a car with you behind the wheel.”

          “I’m a good driver!” she hissed, jabbing her pen in his direction.

          “Mailboxes and terrified pedestrians beg to differ, dear.”

          “Whatever,” she huffed, “you’re not much better.”

          “You’re right about that, I’m infinitely better.”

          “Aren’t you trying to get me to agree to go out with you? Insulting me isn’t the way to do it.”

          “Come on Nazyalensky,” he smiled, “it can’t be more insufferable than going out with -- what’s his name, the guy who works across the hall -- the one I saw trying to get himself together enough to ask you out tonight? Mel? Mervin? Martin? Marcus?”

          She made a face, “I think it’s Merle?”

          “Exactly my point.”

          Zoya twisted a tendril of hair around her finger, which she usually did when thinking. “Don’t mistake my amusement for something else. I haven’t forgiven you.”

          “I didn't ask you to,” Nikolai replied softly, “I just asked for a chance. Please just let me take you out tonight Zoya. Please.” He never begged, it wasn’t in his nature, but he was willing to do whatever it took to make her look at him like she did before, like he hadn’t hurt her.

          She exhaled, “fine, but this doesn’t mean I forgive you.”

          “I know.”

          “You’ll have to wait a while, I can’t leave until I finish going through this case, it’ll take me at least another hour, maybe two.”

          “Take your time,” Nikolai said, taking out his laptop from his bag, pulling up his own work, “I can wait.”

                                                          ***

          Three hours later, it was 7 PM and Zoya had collapsed on the ground, now staring up at the ceiling from her plush rug, her case files a mess around her. Nikolai sat by the window, the light of the setting sun illuminating his features. He looks like a prince in an oil painting, she thought, and then figured that her lack of sleep plus her hunger must be making her delirious.

          “Let’s get some dinner,” Nikolai announced, suddenly standing up.

          “Lantsov, I’m too tired to go out.”

          “Fantastic, we’ll order in then.”

          “Fine, but only because I’m too tired to storm out of here and go home right now,” she grumbled, trying to blink the sleep from her eyes.

          He let out a chuckle, picking up his phone, stopping in his tracks when Zoya’s fingers shot out, wrapping around his wrist. “Wait, where are you ordering from?”

          “Tolya’s, of course,” Nikolai replied, his eyes trained on Zoya’s fingers still clutched at his wrist. She moved to pull her hand back, but he was quicker, resting his on top of hers for an extended moment, his eyes lingering on her face. She fought to keep any hint of feeling out of her features, but she knew the tops of her cheeks were pinking. How dare he affect her this way. It was the first time they’d touched this way in months and Zoya hated how her chest constricted the longer he looked at her, the longer that his fingers brought warmth to her. She pulled out of his grasp, trying to clear her mind, deciding to settle on scooping up case files from the ground so that she could free herself from his piercing gaze. Nikolai turned towards the window, the city lights masking his face from her as he ordered from their friend’s restaurant.

          She had missed this, just a bit, she could admit that much to herself. She had missed Nikolai’s ability to make others feel at ease, to make them laugh, and trust him. To want to lay their faith in them. She had missed the press of his fingers and those intelligent hazel eyes that never missed a thing, that could read her like an open book. Those eyes that were now back on her, Nikolai’s hand warm in hers as she took his offering hand to pull her up.

          “Tolya said he’d personally deliver the order to the lobby, is that okay?” She nodded dazedly in response, picking up her bag and heading following him out the door, halting by her receptionist’s desk.           “Leoni,” Zoya said, feeling breathless as she ran a hand through her hair, “why are you still here? You know you don’t have to stay a minute past 6.”

          “Oh,” Leoni said carefully, “I know, I was busy and forgot the time.”

          Zoya frowned, moving around to Leoni’s side of the desk, “what were you working on? Everything but the Brekker case is closed and I just started it.”

          “These biscuits are so tasty, Leoni. Are you sure it’s okay if I take the whole box?” the man who was mumbling through a cookie halted in his tracks as Zoya whirled on him incredulously.

          “Adrik Zhabin, what the hell are you doing here?”

          “I--”

          “You know Zoya?” Leoni interjected.

          “Well, funny story--”

          “Does he know me? He’s my friend’s little brother! Are you,” she jabbed an accusatory finger at Adrik, “flirting with my receptionist?”

          Adrik flushed as Leoni smiled at him affectionately, “no, I’m just driving her home.”

          Zoya raised an eyebrow, “I have my eye on you Zhabin. You better just be ‘driving her home.’ Does your sister know about this?” She yanked her cellphone out of her purse, nearly dropping it when Nikolai placed his hand on top of hers.

          “Nazyalensky, leave him alone.”

          “But--”

          “Zoya”

          “Fine,” she huffed, putting her phone away, “Adrik, I’ve already lost one receptionist thanks to Mal Oretsev, you better watch yourself.”

          “Yes ma’am,” Adrik said grumpily, avoiding eye contact with Nikolai as Leoni led him out the door, his hand tight in hers.

          Nikolai waited until they were out of sight before turning to Zoya, “Can I walk you home, Nazyalensky?”

          He got an eye roll in return, “if you want to waste your night, go ahead, but I’m planning on taking my share of dinner and going back to my place.”

          “Fantastic .”

          “Fantastic,” she muttered.

                                                            ***

          “I forgot how short you are without heels,” Nikolai teased as Zoya collapsed next to him on the picnic blanket, her glare bleary but cutting all the same. The sun was slowly setting, and the riverside was quiet, the only noise being the occasional conversations from those on the pathways. Dinner had been fairly quiet, they were too hungry to talk and Tolya’s food was far too good to not eat it quickly. Or at least that’s what she assumed Nikolai’s logic was, she knew her own reasons for refraining from chatting away with Nikolai, as easy as she knew the old habit would be to fall into.

          “I’m six inches shorter than you, Nikolai, you’re not as tall as you think you are.”

          “Anything shorter than me is short.”

          “Ugh, I don’t care. I’m too tired and stuffed to deal with you,” she pushed his cheek away with her hand, closing her eyes as he laid down next to her, their hands nearly touching but not quite.

          There was a long silence and for a moment Zoya thought Nikolai had fallen asleep, but then he spoke up, “do you remember how we used to come down here on the weekends?”

          Zoya pushed down the urge to look over at him, “yes.”

          “When you used to sit up here with your giant textbooks and chunky glasses.”

          “My glasses were sleek and fashionable.”

          “You remember 6 A.M. on Saturday mornings very differently than I do.”

          She jammed her elbow into his side, his wheezing laugh making her shake her head. “With your back to back rowing and sailing practice, I had a lot of time to study.”

          “Yeah, but you always found the time to cheer me on. Every time I looked up, you would be waving back. In the team rooms on campus, half of my pictures on the wall were ones you took after practice.” The pictures in frames, she knew were all the ones he had said he loved, where her bright lipstick stained his cheeks. It had been so easy to forget her hurt this afternoon as they worked quietly, side by side, when they joked as if nothing had happened, but this reminiscing was too much, it brought back all the wrong memories.

          “Young Zoya had a habit of getting herself caught up in things that wasted her time when she shouldn’t have.” The words were harsh, they left a bitter taste in her mouth but she couldn’t hold them in. How many nights had she spent, curled up in bed, simply wanting answers as to why Nikolai had walked out of her life with no explanation. She hated to admit that she had been searching for love her whole life, love from a mother and mentor who saw her as nothing more than a means to their own ends. Love from a father who was too afraid to stand up for himself, for her. She had found it once, and she thought that with Nikolai she had found it again. How wrong she was.

          “I know you don’t believe me, Zoya, but I never meant to hurt you.”

          “You don’t know what I believe,” she whispered, horrified at how her eyes burned. She shut them tighter still, “I know that you left because you were trying to protect me. Because you thought it was your fault and you wanted to fix things, because you always want to fix things.” Nikolai was quiet and so she continued, six months of pent up words tumbling out. “You made me feel safe, you made me believe that you wouldn’t leave. I let myself fall for your charms again and again, I won’t let myself be fooled so easily again.” She felt tears leak from the corners of her eyes, even in this moment where all she wanted to do was yell at him, she felt safe enough to tell him the truth of how she felt. Damn him.

          “I wasn’t trying to trick you, not you, never you.” Nikolai’s voice was thick and she knew that if she looked over at him, she would see tears in his eyes too.

          “I tried so hard to hate you. I really did. But then you called every day, you sent me those letters, all the flowers, why couldn’t you just tell me the truth from the start? You know I would’ve understood. I would’ve helped.”

          “I’ve told you how bad my family is, but they’re truly horrible. I couldn’t think of a way to fix the situation without ruining your life, if they knew you existed, they would’ve made it hell. I should’ve told you before I did any of it, but I was a coward. It was easier to leave first and explain later. I didn’t want to watch your heart break,” his voice broke on the last word and Zoya pressed her palm to her mouth, trying to push back a sob.

          Nikolai’s hand brushed against hers on the picnic blanket and she grasped it tightly, needing something to hold onto as silent sobs racked her body. He didn’t try to reach out or comfort her, he knew she didn’t want that, that she didn’t need it. Despite all that, she let herself break in that moment, surrendering to an all too familiar comfort, the press of his hand against hers. Zoya took one deep breath, then another, until she felt grounded, swiping at the tears that still lingered on her cheeks. She stood up abruptly, gathering her things as quickly as she could, without looking back at him. Zoya needed to get out of here, her head was still swimming with a thousand emotions she couldn’t try to detangle, and she refused to fall into Nikolai’s arms again because she let her emotions get the best of her. He didn’t try to stop her.

#zoyalai fic #my writings #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #zoyalai #kos fic #row fic #gv #grishaverse fic #zoyalai au

[blacksdale]

it’s my move, fight or flight

a crappy zoyalai fic

sh: zoyalai college au ao3

“And why, exactly, do you want me to study for this final with you?”

“Because Nazyalensky,” Nikolai smirked, spinning before he fell back onto the grey couch cushions, “you’re the smartest one in our class besides me, of course. And yet I still feel as if I am going to fail this final.”

Zoya tossed her hair over her shoulder as she turned away from him, setting her books down on the coffee table. “What makes you think I can do any better on this final than you?” She gave him a look up and down: blond hair slightly tousled, a mischievous glint in bright hazel eyes, arrogant expression across his annoyingly flawless features.

“Tsaritsa, please give yourself some props.” He laid back on the couch, hands behind his head, legs stretched out to take up all of the space. “I may know the material, but you’re the only that comprehends any of what Morozova spews during lectures and to not fail this class, I need that knowledge.” His eyes flicked over to her for a brief moment before returning to the ceiling.

She allowed the ice forming around her heart to settle in.

“Can it, Lantsov,” she walked over to him, poking his chest. “And if you want my help,” she chided, “no more calling me ‘tsaritsa’.” Zoya left him and went to her kitchen, determined to ignore for at least some time before they had to study.

“As you wish, darling.”

She whipped her head around to see him smiling, hazel eyes still full of mischief. “I said,” she warned, though she blushed, “to can it!”

This was going to be one hell of a week.

–––––

About two hours in was when Nikolai realised how truly beautiful she was.

She had invited him to come at four. Now it was only 6:15, and he thought up the list of things he liked about Zoya: she liked her coffee with milk, no sugar; she wrote titles in black ink and information in blue when she took notes; her eyes calculated the room when she was thinking something over; she held her chin with her hand and tapped a finger on her jaw when she was trying to remember something.

He could no longer think with her in front of him. Her blue eyes matched the night sky outside, just after the sun had set. The moonlight from the window caught her features like magic, bringing a silver outline to the thick lashes that fanned over the light brown of her cheeks, the curve of her full lips, the glossy black of her waving hair that had fallen over her shoulder. She kept reaching up, pen in hand, to push back her glasses that repeatedly fell from the small bump on the bridge of her nose. She was so smart too, even her insults towards him were clever.

“Lantsov,” he heard, “did you hear my question?”

Saints, she was going to ruin him. And she would have no idea at all.

“Lantsov!” Someone shouted as he saw hands clap in front of his eyes, attention snapping back to reality. He saw Zoya again, back in the actual room and not just his thoughts.

He propped his elbow on the table, placing his chin in his hand as his eyes drifted from her to his notebook and back. “Yes, dear?”

She quirked an eyebrow at him. “Don't dear me, I was asking about the structure of actin filaments,” she said, her tone unsure.

His eyes flicked to his notes. “Double helix, love,” he told her nonchalantly.

“Good,” she exhaled as she closed her textbook. “I think that’s enough now.” Crossing her arms, she stood up and nodded toward his book bag next to the chair.

Nikolai looked up to meet her blue eyes. “Lovely spending time with you, tsaritsa.”

“You can leave now.” She rolled her eyes, laughing.

“Dear, our night has only just begun.”

She marched up to him, looking like she was getting ready to pull a punch, though he didn't think she could do that much damage considering she only reached his chin. “Our night?”

“Of course, do you think I would not take you out to dinner after this?” He grinned at her, earning a scowl in return. “It won’t be anything too personal, just dinner and dessert and banter. Maybe afterwards you will not have such disdain for my presence.”

“Good luck with that,” she scoffed. She walked away from him and, to his surprise, reached for her black parka, shrugging it over her shoulders.

“Tsaritsa, where are you going?”

She rolled her eyes once more, wrapping a light blue scarf around her shoulders. It complemented her eyes in a way that made his heart clench. “I never said I wasn’t hungry.”

“Well, lucky for you,” he laughed, “I’m paying, so you can eat as much as you want.”

She turned the door handle, sighing with relief. “Good.”

“I’m always glad to, tsaritsa.” He took the door from her, holding it open for her to walk through. “Good to go?”

Her sharp blue eyes trained a glare on him once more as she pursed her lips, making his heart do somersaults in his chest. “This better be good food, or you’re going to owe me.”

–––––

He took her to a hole-in-the-wall a few blocks away, the door painted a dark maroon. “Where did you take me?” She questioned.

“Just go inside dear,” he was smirking again. “I promise, you’ll love it. It’s my favourite.” His hazel eyes were bright as always, as though he was always planning. Planning what, she didn’t care to know.

“You better not have brought me to someplace weird.”

“Have a little faith,” he said, “and the faster you go inside, the faster you get food.

“I hate you.” She told him, her tone and expression deadpan.

“You won’t soon enough.” He mused, tilting his head to the side, arrogant smirk still on his face.

She crossed her arms and whipped her head to look at him. “That’s quite a bold statement to make.”

“And you will see,” he pushed open the door, “that I’m right.”

Her eyes widened as she stepped into a dimly lit room, the walls painted a deep crimson with golden silhouettes of flowers. Instead of normal lighting, the ceilings hung with lanterns, the design of a sun carved out to let the light shine through. She turned around to find the entrance was surrounded with a border of its own, intricate designs carved in the wood.

Nikolai took her hand and led her to a booth near the window, looking quite satisfied while she took in the mesmerising surroundings. She heard him ask from in front of her, “Happy, Nazyalensky-”

“Mhm.” She nodded. He may only be a friend, but at least he was a good one. “Happy.”

He grabbed her hand and led her to a table with two red cushions. They sat down and made small talk for a bit about finals and clubs they were in. They complained about Morozova's nuisance of a class after the food came, and commented on his remarks of giving tests with no advanced notice.

“I swear,” Zoya told Nikolai before shoving a piece of chicken in her mouth, “I'm gonna strangle him.”

He nodded in agreement. “After the final.”

She high fived him. “Good plan.”

After they finished and he paid the check, they walked along the streets of the city in the direction of her apartment. Now that she was fed and could think, Zoya realised she was actually beginning to like him. Her heart had started doing one of those stupid palpitation things when he smiled or got excited about something, and whenever his eyes lit up and the gold around the centre started to glow she would immediately want to go to him.

He was cute, she realised.

Saints, he was so cute.

She hated it. She hated him. And most of all, she hated how easily he had managed to change her opinion of him and his stupid perfect blond hair. She was done with him after the final. He would not mess with her head anymore after that and she would make sure of it.

But right now she needed to figure out what someone else's coat was doing around her. Especially since she was already wearing her own. “Nikolai,” she interrogated, realizing as she looked next to her that he was just in a sweater. “What is your jacket doing on me?”

He shrugged. “You looked cold, tsaritsa.”

“I'm fine,” she told him, pulling his jacket tighter around her anyway, “why would you think I'm cold?” Maybe she was shivering and couldn't feel her fingertips, but she would survive.

“Love,” his eyes trained on her suddenly, a line of worry coming between his eyebrows, “your lips are purple.”

“Why are you looking at my lips?”

“I'm hailing us a cab.” He raised a hand.

She crossed her arms, half out of annoyance and half out of the need for warmth. “I'm not going alone in a cab at night.”

“Of course not, I'm coming with you.”

“Excuse me?”

He smirked. “Well, my things are still there. And you honestly didn't think I was just going to let you keep that coat. I need it too. And it was expensive.”

She narrowed her eyes at him as a cab pulled up to the curb in front of them. “You get your shit. You leave. Got it?” She poked his chest, clutching both the jackets tight around her.

He laughed as he opened the cab door for her. “Wouldn't dream of anything else.”

–––––

He showed up the next day at her apartment, beaming.

The door opened for him to find a tired Zoya, her hand coming up behind her glasses to rub her eye. She was in a blue hoodie and grey joggers and blue fuzzy socks, her dark hair frizzy as if…

“You just woke up,” he asked, “didn’t you?”

She looked up at him, eyes half-lidded but still glaring. “Why do you care?”

“Dear, I can come back later if you want,” he offered.

“No no, don’t,” she told him, her voice still scratchy from getting out of bed. “I don’t want to have to deal with more of you than I have to.”

So she still hated him. Great.

“What do you want?” She asked, tone deadpan as she shoved open the door.

“Well,” he told her, “I want to study, but if you wish to do something else, I would not be opposed.”

“Shut the fuck up,” was all she said in return.

He replied, smirking. “I'll make note of that.”

“Just come in,” she told him, rubbing her cheek, “so we can just get this over with.” She let the door swing open so he could come inside.

Even dead tired, she still looked gorgeous. Her cheeks still looked a bit puffy, as well as her lips, and her messy hair was unnervingly attractive to him. Everything about her made him want to cup her face in his hands and place a light kiss on her nose before letting her fall asleep in his arms again.

They set their notebooks down on her coffee table once more, going through the basic terms once before studying in silence, this time more comfortable than the last. He was starting to get used to the fact that Zoya wasn’t the type for conversation, that she preferred to work in silence when she could concentrate. But he felt a need to check on her anyway, so fifteen minutes later he went to ask a question about something he already knew, just for an excuse to talk.

“Tsaritsa–” he went to say, before realising her face had crashed into her notebook and she was, in fact, asleep.

Nikolai smiled at her, though he knew she wouldn’t see it. He got up and lifted her so that she lay across the couch now, making sure her head was cushioned by a fluffy grey pillow. After grabbing a blanket off the armrest and placing it over her, making sure she was comfortable, he packed up his things. He placed a light kiss on her forehead and she stirred, one of her hands lazily resting on his forearm. He reluctantly shoved it away.

“You’re not making this easy for me, are you?”

He left a note for her saying he would come back tomorrow, and five dollars for coffee so she could wake up.

–––––

He had come over every day since their first time studying. It wasn’t that she wanted him to leave her alone; she quite liked having him around. They were fast friends, and somehow their friendship only kept moving faster. She had gotten to know him very well over the past few days, talking about their families and such, more of what they were studying.

But she knew better to get truly attached to him and his charm because he would let her down eventually. Just like they always did. And the sweet gestures he kept making weren’t helping to quell her feelings either. Most guys she had normally assumed what she wanted: clothes, jewellery, and the likes, but none had ever cared to leave her money for things she actually wanted. Like coffee. No guy had ever bothered to leave her coffee money.

She felt her heart sink as she heard a knock come from her door that night.

“What do you want?” She asked, tone deadpan as she shoved open the door. He showed up in a grey sweater and blue jeans, signature smirk still on his face, hazel eyes still teasing her.  

He set down two to-go cups on her coffee table. “I also bought hot chocolate from the cafe you told me about last night.”

Zoya felt the blood start to rush toward her cheeks, quickly turning to face away from him. “You remembered?”

“Why would I not?”

She chuckled. “It’s just a small detail.”

He sat down on her couch again, once again taking up all the room so he could stretch his legs. “Only for you, tsaritsa.”

“I said not to call me that,” she reminded him.

He propped his head on his hand, tilting it just the slightest bit so his golden hair caught in the sunlight. He was just trying to torture her, wasn’t he? With his stupid sweet gestures and the buying her food and his stupid perfect hair and gorgeous hazel eyes–

No. She couldn’t think of him like that.

“Admit it, tsaritsa,” he said to her, “you find my quips adorable.”

She ran a hand through her hair, rolling her eyes. “No part of you is adorable, I promise.”

She expected another witty remark in return, some arrogant response. But when she looked towards, she saw that he was silent, eyes focused directly on her as a piece of black hair fell into her face. Oh, he was not pulling this with her.

“Nikolai,” she warned, walking over to him, “don’t pull this shit with me. I can tell when people are making fun of me, and I do not take kindly to it I assure you.”

He blinked rapidly before smirking again. “I would never make fun of you, dear, I promise.” He stretched his legs across her couch again. Great. He was making himself at home as well as driving her mad.

Because his being annoying was definitely the only reason why he was driving her mad.

“Just get started so we can study and you can go home.” She playfully pushed his chest.

“As you wish, dear.”

They spent a good hour reviewing in silence, with Nikolai occasionally looking up from his notes to ask her a question. As of now, they had a good routine in place: only talk when necessary, let Zoya drink her coffee. And it would all be perfectly fine.

“Tsaritsa?” He suddenly piped up from beside her.

“What?” She asked him, making sure to not look up from her notes.

“Get up.”

Her attention left her notes as she lifted her eyes to glare at him, but smiled anyway. “And why should I do that?”

“Because,” he stood up, “my brain is fried from all the membrane proteins I’ve had to memorise. And I think we should dance.”

Oh no.

“You’re insane,” she laughed. “The exam is in half a week.”

He pressed play on his phone before setting it down on the table, a song she didn’t know beginning to blare from the speakers. “And yet,” he mused, gaze glossed over her, “I still can’t concentrate.”

Nikolai grabbed her hand and pulled her from her seat, catching her in his arms a split second later. When Zoya looked up, she realised she was flush against him, meeting his eyes as he looked down. One of his hands held hers, the warmth of his touch causing her thoughts to blur, and the other wrapped around her waist, keeping her close as her heart started to beat faster. Her eyes flicked to the stars through the window, though she knew they wouldn’t guide her. She needed a way to stay sane. She thought of her work–yes, bio–and what they were supposed to be doing. Studying, right. They were just taking a break? They had done a lot of work, after all. Looking at notes for an hour straight did fry your brain, now that she thought about it.

Getting lost in this wouldn’t be so bad now, would it? It was just a dance. They were friends. People did it all the time platonically. She heard the song playing softly as her cheek fell against his shoulder.

We were barely 18 when we crossed collective hearts It was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eye And then you turned, put out your hand And you asked me to dance

A few minutes later she woke up. She couldn’t do this. Not with him. She wouldn’t let herself. Not when she lifted her head and met his gaze, the gold around the centre of his eye almost entirely swallowed by his pupil save for a thin, bright outline that faded into the dark brown of coffee. Not when his hand went to cup her chin and her eyelids flickered against her cheek. Not when her lips met his halfway, and it took almost all of her to pull away.

I knew nothing of romance

“Nikolai–” she protested. She had a life to live, things to do. She would not give in. Not now. Not ever. Not with him. But he still had her in his arms, his breath still ghosting her lips.

But it was love at second sight

“Tomorrow.”

Then he was kissing her again, and Zoya lost herself to the sweet, sweet delirium that came with lips soft on hers. One of his hands tangled in her hair, causing any thoughts she still had to dissolve until all she knew was the way his hands caused all of her to go warm as he held her, the way he tasted of cinnamon and cardamom when his lips opened for her. She felt her arms come around his neck, bringing him to her so she could deepen the kiss, and he picked her up so she could wrap her legs around his waist, determined to be as close to him as possible. She broke away for just a moment, so she could look into his eyes to see a fire burning in them that wasn’t there before. She ran a finger along his cheekbone while his lashes fluttered shut, one of her hands cupping his cheek while the other ran through his silky golden curls. Their lips crashed together once more, causing her to melt with each passing second. They fell on the couch, tangled in each other until they were both breathless from the kisses. Until they knew nothing except the other person, who in turn only knew them, and the comfort with each other that eventually brought them sleep.

–––––

For once, Zoya didn’t look frustrated. As if all of her stress had left her.

Nikolai awakened to find she had fallen asleep against his chest, his arms still wrapped around her shoulders. She had one hand laid on his collarbone, slightly scrunching his shirt fabric. He didn't know what time it was, but her eyes were still fluttering with dreams, and he did not wish to disturb her. He lifted a hand to reach for his phone, however, he was met with resistance as he saw tired blue eyes look up at him.

Saints, he was done for.

She had her usual look of worry on her face again, the dark circles under her eyes still prominent. But for once, there was no malice. Just worry.

“Please don't go,” was all she asked before she fell asleep again.

He knew it was the morning now. Another day, another life to get back to, another ten thousand tasks to finish. But right now, he was just a guy. And she was just the girl who he was hopelessly in love with.

So he stayed.

#userhannas #mine #mine.fic #fic.zoyalai #sh:zoyalai #lit:tnd #u:gv #m:fic #kosfic #gvfic #zoyalai #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai duology #grishaverse #userada #usersultanah #usernate #writeremma #tuserjules #useramma #usersai #userksheerja #userzara #userzuha #userishika #useropal #tuserkeira #userishani #tusergrace

[celestialend]

It was a cold December morning, when everything had started. Manon would always remember this day as the one she should have never left her bed.

The Frozen Wastes were noturious for their harsh winters, and so Manon always struggled to leave her nest of blankets. Especially when Elide was in it too.

They were tangled together, and Manon could have sworn it was the comfiest she’d ever been.

Until Elide ran her cold feet along her shin, and Manon jerked away.

“Goddess El, how are your feet always this cold? We’re under four blankets!”

Elide only laughed, and scooted back closer to her girlfriend. She hide her face in Manon’s neck, who shivered. Even the tip of her nose was cold.

They didn’t have plans for the day, so Manon truly intended to get back to sleep. Until everything went to hell.

The doorbell rang, and Manon didn’t move. Asterin was home, she could answer.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Even though her voice was muffled, Manon could make out the fury in her cousin’s tone. She was out of bed and in the corridor in an instant.

“LAnguage, Asterin! I raised you better than that.”

Manon’s whole body went taunt at seeing her grandmother.

“Ah, Manon! You’re the one I’m here for. Get dressed, we’ve got things to talk about.”

So away Manon went, kissing Elide goodbye and muttering a “I’ll see you later, I love you.”

***

Manon left the lunch with her grandmother feeling empty.

She couldn’t believe what she’d been asked. But at the same time, she could.

She had accepted, of course. Manon had never went against her grandmother, and she wasn’t about to start.

Manon had been raised to take over the Blackbeak company. It was time.

***

When she got back to her flat, Manon was still feeling numb.

She found Elide on the couch, Abraxos cuddled against her. The dog wasn’t allowed on the couch usually, but Elide could never say no to his big, sad, eyes.

Manon dropped next to her girlfriend, and nuzzled her side. Elide’s hand went to her hair, nails scratching her scalp. Manon groaned. Her girl, her dog, this was as close to heaven as she’d get.

But Manon had just sold her soul to the devil.

“That bad?” Elide’s voice brought her back to reality.

Manon hummed. “You know the Matron. She’s always bad news.”

Elide knew MAnon more than she knew herself, and so she heard the hurt in her girlfriend’s voice.

She took Manon’s face in her hands, delicately. She searched her eyes.

“Hayati, what happened?”

Manon felt something shatter inside her soul at the name. Elide had taken to call her “my life” in her mother’s tongue.

Manon got up, and shoved her feelings aside.

“I’m leaving.” The first of three bombs was out. Elide didn’t say a thing, her face showing her questions.

“The Matron asked me to move to Rhifthold.”

The second bomb was out, and Manon didn’t let Elide speak before setting off the last one, shattering both of their lives.

“I’m marrying Dorian Havilliard.”

Tagged: @stardustsroses @the-regal-warrior gal-warrior @dawninlatin @nalgenewhore @fireheartdreamerstarborn @noodlecatposts @empress-ofbloodshed @charincharge @cristinaid28 @louiseleblancdiggory @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @nikolai-lantsovs-bitch-deactiva -bitch @darlinminds @julemmaes @featherymalignancy @manonslayme @notyournymphetish @enpointe10 @starbornelleth @mu-si-ca-l

#malide #manon blackbeak #elide lochan #throne of glass #exile #my writing

[sanktnikolais]

Sunday Morning - Softober (11/31)

A/N: AAAAA it’s a miracle I could still keep up with zoyalai HAHAFKLJSDH 

Based on the prompt ‘Morning’ from the Softober list. 

Word count: 1606

AO3

Nikolai had promised himself he wouldn't get another one, not until he graduated from his engineering degree, at least, which was roughly only more than a year remaining. 

          But looking at them now, he realized that he wouldn't have it any other way. 

          "Sturmhond, no." He gently lifted the dog away from the bowl. The Golden Retriever gave a soft whine as Nikolai placed Sturmhond to the bigger one to the right. "This is one yours, remember? Not the other one, that's your brother's." 

          Hotdog let out a low rumble, nudging Nikolai’s leg. The Dachshund had merely sat back and watched its brother devour the food in the smaller bowl, even though Sturmhond had the bigger one. 

          He ruffled the spot under the Dachshund's chin. "I know, buddy. Hard being the older one, eh?" 

          Nikolai added a bit more to Hotdog's food, and the dog was all too happy to dive in. He watched them fondly, a smile on his lips. 

          They had definitely helped him divert his attention to other things rather than overworking himself with tons of lectures and papers whenever sleep eluded him. 

          Perhaps getting them wasn't a bad choice after all. 

          The shrill tone of his phone startled him out of his thoughts that he dropped the dog food container he was holding. Its contents scattered on the ground, and apparently Sturmhond and Hotdog noticed it. 

          Then both of them turned their attention to the fallen dog food despite still having some on their bowls. 

          "Guys, no—" 

          The ringtone continued to blare, and his dogs refused to listen to him. Realizing that he couldn’t stop the two from feasting over the dog food, Nikolai let out a frustrated breath as he grabbed his phone on the counter. He didn't bother checking the caller when he answered. 

          "Yes?" 

          "Nikolai, it's Zoya," the voice said, and he had to put the phone away from his ear to make sure it was really her. Indeed, the caller ID showed "Mean Muffin". 

          Nikolai raised a brow, pressing the phone to his ear again. It was only a little past eight in the morning, and he was quite sure Zoya wouldn't have called this early. On a Sunday. 

          "Nazyalensky? Is something wrong?" he asked, eyeing his two dogs that were still eating the scattered food on the floor. Their tails were wagging all too enthusiastically, and he could only shake his head in disbelief as he turned his attention back to the call. “What’s up?”

          Zoya didn’t reply right away, making him a bit worried. But he could hear the muffled thuds and shuffle in the background. What was she doing? After a few more moments, her voice came. “Is that other room in your place still vacant?”

          “Yeah, why?” Nikolai frowned. He glanced over his shoulder to look at the door next to his room that had been vacant ever since college started. “You know it always has been.” 

          “Fair.” There was another thud, but it was louder this time, and followed by a string of curses from the raven-haired storm he was talking to. Damn it all to hell, he heard her say, and Nikolai had to fight off a chuckle. Zoya then sighed exasperatedly. “Alright, favor—saints, I can't believe I'm the one asking now. But all because I really am out of options.” 

          Nikolai’s eyebrows furrowed, a confused expression blooming on his face. Zoya Nazyalensky rarely asked for favors, unless it’s a life and death situation. “Okay, go on.”

          A beat. “The damned complex is getting shut down due to safety concerns which” —there was a sound of a door slamming shut— “is fucking absurd because in the years I’ve been here there hasn’t been a single problem—” She stopped, and then released an exasperated breath. “Can I crash over for a while?”

          Oh. Oh. 

          What?

          “Yeah, sure,” Nikolai replied even before he could think of it, and he blinked repeatedly. Then he frowned. The instinct of his answer definitely was questionable. “You’re not allergic to dog fur, right?”

          A low rumble came from somewhere beside him, and he looked down to see Sturmhond looking at him with a flat expression as if it understood what just said. Behind the Retriever, Hotdog seemed to have the same expression as his brother. 

          Nikolai raised an eyebrow at them, and then Zoya’s voice came a moment later. 

          “Nikolai, I go there most of the time,” she said, and then with a bit more smug, she added, “And besides, we both know your dogs adore me more than you.”

          “Getting more confident now, aren’t we?” He laughed lightly, walking over to the cupboard to put back the dog food container inside. He figured that the spilled food was beyond saving as the two dogs had already devoured it. “When are you coming over?”

          “Now.”

          The container almost slipped from his hand again, but he was able to prevent it from tipping over. His eyes widened. “I’m sorry, what?” 

          Nikolai turned back to look at the state of his apartment, and his lecture notes in the living room were an utter mess. To emphasize his situation, it had been nearly a week since he last cleaned up. He winced.

          Shit. 

          “An earlier warning next time, Nazyalensky?”

 ***

At least half an hour later, the firm knocks finally came. Sturmhond and Hotdog immediately perked up, looking at Nikolai expectantly as he stood up and walked to the door. He peeked through the peephole. There indeed was Zoya Nazyalensky, Ravka University’s Storm, outside with a suitcase, a duffel bag, and a box in an arm.

          And her face had her usual scowl that could make everyone cower. 

          Nikolai huffed a laugh as he opened the door. “You know, you could’ve maximized the favor and asked—”

          There was a bark, and then a flash of black fur rushed past him, leaping towards Zoya. It must have startled her because she quickly let go of the box she was holding to catch the enthusiastic dog coming for her. Nikolai acted right away and grabbed the box before it could fall.

          He turned to frown at her, but wasn’t able to when he saw the look on her face. Gone was her scowl and replaced by a grin, her eyes alight as she looked down at the dog in her arms. Sturmhond had appeared beside her, reaching up its paws to her side as if it wanted to be carried too. The sight instantly brought a smile to his face. 

          Zoya gave the Retriever a pat on the head, chuckling softly when Hotdog tried to pepper her face with kisses. Then she turned to Nikolai with a smug expression. “What’d I tell you? Your dogs adore me.”

          “I can see it clearly now. Such traitors.” He ushered them inside as he stepped out to wheel her suitcase in, and then closed the door behind him after. “Just saying, you could’ve asked me to go get you.”

          “And risk piling up the favors I have? I don’t think so, Lantsov.” She put down Hotdog to the ground, and the dog bolted to the nearest sofa to curl up on. Sturmhond followed in suit, lying beside his brother. 

          Nikolai laughed lightly. "Afraid I might use it against you? Ah, but I don't take advantage of anything, Nazyalensky. You wound me," he said, putting the box down on his messy center table in the living room. "How long do you intend to stay?" 

          Zoya turned to him, then, expression apologetic, which Nikolai rarely saw her have. "It's just until I find another place nearby. Probably a week or two, at most. All the other vacant ones are far from the university or cost a shit ton." She sighed tiredly. "I'll pay half of the expenses and rent—" 

          "Don't worry about them, they've already been paid in advance. Just worry about the food expenses, I worry about it all the time as well." 

          Her face had conflicting emotions blooming at once, the furrow in her eyebrows becoming more prominent like she didn't know what to say next. 

          Nikolai gave her a reassuring smile. "Probably coffee expenses too. I'm sure my stash that would last me a month would now disappear in two weeks." 

          To his relief, Zoya scoffed at his statement, a small smile on her lips. "Oh, really now? Who once drank four cups within a few hours and complained about being too jittery and not able to sleep?" 

          "Bringing up the past now, aren't we? Harsh." 

          "Honest."

          "Then can you admit that I'm actually the best person you've ever known?" 

          "Admitting to that would be like saying that Genya never existed."

          Nikolai feigned a hurtful look. "That's the second time you've wounded me within a minute." 

          Zoya gave him a smirk. "I do my best, Lantsov." She paused, her torn expression returning. Then she said, "Are you sure?"

          He considered her question for a moment, but he already knew to himself that he'd agree to it in a heartbeat. Zoya was one of the few people that he was thankful for always keeping him up his feet. 

          There probably wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her. 

          "I got you," Nikolai said, and he  meant it. Then playfully, he added, "As long as you don't steal my dogs from me, I think we'll be okay." 

          Zoya raised an eyebrow as if offended, but the look in her eyes was gentle, and it was enough for him to know that she was grateful. She laughed lightly. "I don't think I can promise that, Lantsov."

          He chuckled at that, wondering how his morning took a very interesting turn.

#softober20 #zoyalai #king of scars #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #KLJHASDFKLJHA ANOTHER COLLEGE AU #I'M SORRY FOR THE BOMBARDMENT #BUT ZOYALAI OCCUPIES MY MIND 24/7 #nikolai has two dogs because one isn't enough #GOOD BOYS #sturmhond and hotdog own my heart ok #my writing #have this mess

[dregstrash]

🤫🤭 Zoyalai

"This is my hiding spot, Lantsov!" Zoya whisper yelled.

"Shhhh..." He shushed as he squeezed his much broader frame further into the already tight broom closet.

The tell tale signs of footsteps came sounding down the hallway Nikolai had ducked away from, and whatever protestation was left on Zoya's tongue dropped away as she held her breath and pulled Nikolai away from the light coming through the door.

"Damn, I thought I heard him going this way." Genya's voice sounded disappointed, and maybe just maybe she wouldn't notice the door that would just be to her left.

Through the dim light of the room, Zoya saw Nikolai's hand reached out and before she could stop him, he pressed the lock on the door.

She squeezed the top of his arm, but it turned out for the best because not a second later Genya tried to turn the handle of the broom closet, releasing when the door wouldn't open.

It felt like almost an eternity before her footsteps disappeared down the hall, and Zoya took a relieving breath.

In normal circumstances Hide and Seek wouldn't be so high stakes, but it was Zoya's entire friend group stuck in this massive Airbnb until the snow plowers could get through and plow their driveway-- the only thing they could think of to pass the time was to play high stakes childhood games.

Tag only resulted in Tamar breaking a vase that they would definitely have to be paying for. Duck Duck Goose gave David a giant bruise. The only thing left was Hide and Seek-- winner buys drinks the second they were released from this cabin.

But what was supposed to be an easy win only resulted with Zoya locked in a closet with the boy who she adamantly had been avoiding ever since David and Genya's wedding last weekend.

"She's gone, now get out of here." Zoya shoved him, the heat of his body getting to be suffocating in the tight space.

"Not a chance," He protested. He did lean away, but it wasn't far enough. She could still feel the heat of his skin lingering on hers, bringing her back to a hazy memory of his hand tracing the shape of her waist. "No way I'm letting Genya find me."

"Then find a different hiding spot."

"Genya would be circling around right about now. If I try to find a different hiding spot, I'm a goner."

"Do you have to be so dramatic?"

"Always." And though Zoya couldn't see, she knew that idiot grin was plastered on his face. "It's one of my most endearing qualities."

"Didn't know you had any of those."

"Oh you wound me," His arm brushed against hers as he brought it up to his chest in mock offense.

"Just go back to where you were hiding from. It should be all clear now."

"Can't I hadn't found a spot before Genya stopped counting. I managed to avoid, this was my last resort. But don't be so put out, Nazyalensky, I'm sure we can find something to do to wait it out."

The air between them charged up dramatically, and Zoya was suddenly overwhelmed with the spice of his cologne, the lack of space between them, and for brief moment Zoya imagined what it would be like to wipe that smirk off his face and give into the pull that had existed between them since they met in college.

But she was brought back to the reality of who Nikolai was and what he was expected to do. He was Mr. CEO-in training, the darling of the largest tech company in the world, and basically set to marry the daughter of one of his father's closest business partners.

He could do a lot of good in the world, and it was archaic as hell to give in to the idea of arranged marriages, but Nikolai was just the type to do what he needed to do to get the job done.

Unfortunately, that left little room for Zoya to be anything more than a friend and sometimes accounting consultant.

"It wouldn't be your brightest ideas." Zoya shrugged, trying to play it cool. But cool was easier said than done when Nikolai took that as an invitation to lean in closer, and cup her face gently.

"I think you might be wrong, Zo. This could be my brightest idea yet."

Zoya took a step back and her and Nikolai followed. Her back met the back wall of the closet, and she'd be lying if it was by accident that her arms were only wrapped around his neck for support.

"Nikolai," She whispered. Her breath fanned across his face, and she could feel his lips hover over hers.

"Hmm?" He didn't move any closer to her--he gave her space to take that next step if she wanted.

"Did you know I was hiding in here?"

His laugh was enough confirmation, and when she lifted on her toes she could taste it on her lips.

The first time Nikolai kissed her at David and Genya's wedding, he had been drunk. His attention sloppy and hungry.

This time now couldn't have been more different. His lips glided over hers smoothly and in time with her breaths. He pushed and pulled and tangled his tongue with hers in a way that made her head spin.

She needed to breathe, but she couldn't imagine separating from him any time soon.

Zoya's whole world seemed to exist in this dark, musty broom closet and she would have been okay with it if a loud bang hadn't made her jump and accidentally bite a little too hard on Nikolai's lip.

"Zoya! Nikolai! Stop making out!" Tamar called from the inside of the door. "Genya couldn't find you. You guys won!"

Nikolai reached behind him and flipped on the small light that hung above them. He brought a finger to his swelling lip, and gave an almost shy smile to Zoya.

"Are you going to go back to ignoring me now?"

She considered him for a moment, her mind running through a million scenarios and reasons why this could be a bad idea, but in the end she shrugged and grabbed his hand before she released the lock to lead them back outside.

"Buy me a drink and we'll see."

Send me an emotion + a ship

#zoyalai #zoyalai modern au #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lanstov #nikolai x zoya #king of scars #kos #i was assuming those emojis meant hide and seek #if not #it was definitely for hide and seek

[nazyalvnskys]

the apparat is vadik demidov, the lantsov pretender

to be honest? i thought of this at 2:30 am and all of the evidence i’ve managed to gather is circumstantial at best, but i present my case:

(this is a long post and i can’t put a read more cut in on mobile sorryyy)

pulling from the original trilogy—the apparat helped the darkling overthrow the old king, then worked with alina to overthrow the darkling, but it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t want alina in a true position of power. in fact, he encourages alina to stay belowground despite knowing that she was growing weaker and tells her to “see which way the wind blows” (let the darkling and nikolai kill each other aboveground). let’s say the darkling and nikolai did end up dealing each other irreparable damage and alina wasted away belowground per the apparat’s plans... who’s left to lead ravka? the apparat. so, it’s been established since tgt that the apparat wants power for himself and doesn’t like nikolai, giving him a motive to claim the throne now, in kos/kos2. although i doubt lb initially intended for the apparat to eventually become a lantsov pretender (that is, if she does at all), it would make sense for her to put a plausible new spin on an old character—just as she’s done with other characters already.

the apparat is mentioned way too many times throughout kos for him just to be someone who runs off to back the fjerdans. he’s mentioned 47, FORTY-SEVEN, times in the book!

now, assuming that he did run off to back fjerda, what would he gain if he were just backing them as the apparat? he would still only be a spritual leader at most (AT MOST, considering that the fjerdan government doesn’t even like the worship of saints) and it’s likely that he would end up with less power than before—a fjerdan-endorsed leader would trust him as an advisor even less than nikolai. the only way he stands to truly benefit as a part of the fjerdan cause is if he’s the person they’re backing.

whenever zoya/the triumvirate suggest killing someone and that person doesn’t end up dead, they come back in some major way as a new addition to the dungheap of problems ravka has. case in point: magnus opjer, yuri... guess who else they contemplated eliminating? the apparat. although he could be a formidable enemy just as the spiritual leader of ravka backing a pretender, considering the influence he has among the common people, that influence could be used a lot better if he himself were the pretender. either way he’s definitely in league with fjerda.

the language that nina uses to describe the fjerdan letter and vadik demidov is interesting:

“It only said that Lantsov wouldn’t be a problem for someone named Demidov. That their spies believed the situation would resolve itself without interference soon.”

“wouldn’t be a problem” implies to me that demidov already has some sort of leverage over nikolai... which the apparat probably does have. the apparat being so close to the old king + queen, he definitely knew about the magnus opjer affair. in fact, how would magnus opjer be able to know for certain that nikolai was his son without someone on the inside affirming to him yes, he looks exactly like you? the most damning part about this quote, though, is the mention of the situation “resolving itself.” tamar and tolya already suspect the apparat wasn’t buying the isaak act and then mention that the apparat’s been gone from the city frequently. i don’t think it’s a coincidence that lb repeatedly mentions that the apparat is “too canny” to be allowed access to isaak-nikolai, says that the apparat suspects something’s up, and then writes in the letter that demidov’s spies think the situation’ll resolve itself.

there’s a hell of a lot of foreshadowing that reads too heavily to me for the apparat to just be a side part of the fjerdan coup:

The Apparat had betrayed everyone who’d ever been foolish enough to trust him.

“Even if Alina Starkov herself rose from the Fold ensconced in sunlight to denounce him, the Apparat would still find a way to survive. That’s his gift.”

[E]very concession they made to the Apparat felt like a misstep. The old king, the Darkling, Alina Starkov—they’d all bargained with the priest, and all of them had paid in blood.

there’s also this tidbit: zoya asks nikolai before they go on the pilgrimage what he’s planning on doing with yuri afterwards. her words exactly:

“The people will revolt outright if you actually try to make the Darkling a Saint. You could start a holy war and give the Apparat the perfect chance to challenge you outright—and he’ll do it under Alina’s banner.”

and nikolai’s like yeah okay we’ll just exile yuri when it’s all over. but now they’ve brought yuri, who’s actually the DARKLING, back, which would be perfect fuel for the apparat’s campaign against nikolai. plus, the words “challenge you outright” sound awfully foreboding to me.

jarl brum mentions that vadik demidov will be marching on the capital soon ten pages before nikolai confirms that the apparat is missing. strategically, if the apparat were only in league with demidov, wouldn’t it be better for him to stay in ravka and pretend to be on nikolai’s side for insider information? of course he’d need to help rally the people against nikolai, but wouldn’t that be easier to do from within ravka? why would he leave ravka to join the fjerdan campaign unless he himself is the face of the campaign?

at the very end of the book is this bit of dialogue between nikolai and tamar:

“Afraid so. As I understand it,” said Nikolai, “the Apparat has gone missing and Fjerda is marching in support of a Lantsov pretender. Is he good looking?”

Tamar frowned. “The Apparat?”

“The Lantsov pretender.”

now i might just be reading way too much into this, but could this be lb hinting to us that the apparat and the pretender are one and the same? the first few times i read this part, it always struck me as being off: i feel like anyone reading or actually hearing nikolai ask this would automatically assume, based on the order of his words, that his inquiry of “is he handsome?” applies to the pretender, and not the apparat. but for some reason, tamar thinks he’s referring to the apparat—not only could this potentially be a hint, but it conveniently means that we don’t get any physical description of vadik demidov.

the flimsiest piece of “evidence” that i saved for the end because i was debating deleting it entirely: isaak and the apparat are the only two people in the book to call nikolai “your majesty.” isaak is a pretender, and the apparat is... a pretender?

overall, i think the apparat just running off to join fjerda and vadik demidov would be a pretty obvious plot twist (if it can even be called that) and feels too insignificant to warrant all the buildup that happens earlier in the book. we know that lb likes dramatic twists especially in regards to characters and their true identities (sturmhond=nikolai, kuwei=wylan, yuri=darkling), and the apparat=demidov is a twist that definitely works and would leave everyone like ohhhhhhhhh!

anyway tell me y’all’s thoughts!

#kos #nikolai lantsov #grishaverse #zoya nazyalensky #king of scars #kos 2 theories #the apparat #vadik demidov #nikolai duology #Long post #the darkling #tgt

[derryleadera]

           a starter for @korezni​   /   the first chapter of many

                                                               1                                      bill denbrough asks a question

bill will never forget that rush he felt when he attended his first premiere all those years ago. he was just a doe - eyed young buck who never dreamed of making it big in movies   ,   movies that he once used to admire   &  adore when he was younger   ,   the thrill of attending the theater enough to keep bill coming back for more   ,   but it was the stories that made him stick around. captivating stories were always the big draw for bill   ,   as they took you to other worlds where there were new characters to meet   &   a dozen possibilities   ,   where things might not be so dark   &   grim as the real world tended to be. it comes as no surprise why aspiring author william denbrough would spend many of his evenings alone in his room typing out stories on the typewriter he received as a gift   ,   wanting nothing more than to forget the horrible life he had in derry   &   venture into something better of his own design   ,   create a world where   ,   maybe georgie doesn’t have to die   ,   or at least a place where he could have people who cared about him   ,   a family of his own. he had that once before   ,   he knows he has   ,   but he can never quite place those people specifically. bill only ever comes close to naming them all in his dreams   ,   which as of late   ,   he’s been able to sleep somewhat decently for the first time in years. he’s not so sure why   ,   but every night when he wakes up now   ,   he always looks over to his side to see another figure there   ,   relief sweeping over him the minute his eyes make contact with the half nude form of his boyfriend’s body   ,   sheets clinging to him as he curls close to bill   ,   sleeping soundlessly. christ   ,   kid   ,   i’m so glad you’re okay. why he thinks this every night   ,   he’s not so sure   ,   but sometimes   ,   sometimes he thinks he comes close to finding the answer   ,   dreams usually transporting him back to a time where he could almost remember something important that they had both done not that long ago. but when he wakes up   ,   the memory doesn’t stick   ,   &   instead he wakes up next to his lover   ,   unsure why he’s so thankful that he’s alive   ,   but hell   ,   he is. nikolai had been his rock ever since they first met   ------   he stuck with him since that first premiere all those years ago   &   back to now   ,   the premiere of the attic room underfoot. when bill needed a friend   ,   nik was there without any hesitation   &   from then on   ,   they stuck together through it all   ,   their relationship morphing from a simple work relationship   ,   to friendship   ,   to so much more. what they had was way better than any made up story he could have ever written   ,   because he’s real. nikolai was his real life prince charming   ,   saving his life over   &   over with his love   &   his presence   &   bill admittedly was anxious to have him as more than just a boyfriend. this was supposed to be a night to celebrate with friends   &   colleagues   ,   a night to appreciate all the hard work that went into the attic room   ,   but   ,   bill’s waited far too long not to say something now. he loves nikolai lantsov   ,   right down to his very core   &   what he wants right now   ,   more than anything   ,   was to make that love more permanent   ,   make the royal stay with him in california once   &   for all   ,   ravka be damned.

it takes bill a moment to find the royal in the throng of people   ,   the front of the chinese theater always the hot spot for photo - ops   &   any interviewers who may want the scoop on what to expect from the film. they hadn’t come together considering bill had to do a few last minute things back at the studio   ,   but when he finally does spot him in the crowd   ,   he damn near melts. christ   ,   does he look great   ,   but then again   ,   he isn’t at all surprised. nikolai is dressed in a fine black suit   ,   hair perfectly combed back   ,   but same old golden smile gracing his features as per usual. it does the writer’s heart good to see his head turn   &   see his lips curve into wider smile once he spots him   ,   now more determined than ever to move on with his plan. the movie was going to be starting soon   ,   but he could care less about that. the movie was a two hour affair. this   ?   we’re talking about a lifetime.   ❝   hey you   ,   ❞   bill coos once he reaches the taller man   ,   quick to grab the front of his shirt   &   pull him down to meet his lips   ,   mouth open   &   giving despite the crowd of people that could obviously see. anyone who worked with the two men could tell you how openly affectionate the two had become over the years working together   ,   but it only seems to have gotten worse since their emergency trip to bill’s hometown a few weeks ago. whatever it was that happened   ,  it seems to have brought them closer   ,   their love multiplied ten - fold   ,   as if that were even possible. parting away from nik   ,   he smiles   ,   letting go of his suit   ,   but smoothing out the front for him   ,   a little embarrassed by his rough display.   ❝   sorry. i know you don’t like it when i wrinkle you up like that   ,   but   ,   i missed you.   ❞   get it together old man   ,   it’s only been a few hours   ,   but the statement rang true. taking his hand in his own   ,   bill gently tugs nikolai to follow him   ,   away from the crowds   &   further away from the theater   ,   down the street over to dorothy   &   benjamin smith park   ,   where they could have their romantic moment in private. he’s sure nikolai must be more than confused with what’s going on right now   ,   but bill is much too preoccupied with calming down the rapid heartbeat that threatens to jump out of his chest   ,   the oddly shaped object stuffed down his already tight dress pants already feeling like a giant rock weighing him down   &   oh boy   ,   he just wants to show it off already.   ❝   i know   ,   i know. we got a premiere tonight   &   people are expecting us   ,   but   ------   humor me for a bit   ,   alright babe   ?   i promise   ,   it’ll be worth it. there’s something i need to tell you   ,   but not around everyone else.   ❞

#korezni #📘 * ´ ⠀ ╱ ⠀ &. ⠀ ic — hi yo silver away. #long post // #📘 * ´ ⠀ ╱ ⠀ &. ⠀ v — sweep the streets i used to own. #( bill's proposing ) #( bc i said so damn it ) #( and we needed something cute w/ them again sO ) #( obv. you don't have to match length i was just setting things up ! )

[olympicreads]

king of scars by Leigh Bardugo  rating: ★★★ 1/2 warning: this review contains spoilers. the paragraphs containing them will be marked accordingly.

I’ll find a way. All his life, Nikolai had believed that. His will had been enough to shape not only his fate but his own identity.

I was on the fence about giving this book 3 or 4 stars... Because this is a 4-stars novel, but I know that Leigh Bardugo can do much better, so I thought I’d be more strict in this case. I wish I was giving it the 5 stars it should’ve had, though. However, I can't do that in good conscience, because in more than one way this book was a regression to the bad aspects of The Grisha Trilogy.

I’m not going to say that this book was terrible, because it wasn’t. Leigh Bardugo is an incredibly talented author. The prose was great. The book as a whole was great... If you consider it a stand-alone. 

King of Scars, as we know, presents us three main perspectives: Nina’s, Zoya’s, and Nikolai’s, with a fourth in the second part of the book: that of a new character called Isaak. I will be dividing this review into sections for each character, highlighting my likes and dislikes for each of them.

Nina Zenik

She is the only one that’s had a POV before this book. Incidentally, she’s the one who’s characterization jumped out the most at me, especially in the first half of the book. 

[spoilers] When we first see her, she’s in Fjerda as a spy, working along with a familiar face, Adrik, and a new one, Leoni Hillis. She’s been on a mission for over two months, and for over two months she’s been dragging Matthias’ body along, refusing to bury him, hallucinating his voice in her head. That was my first indication that there was something “funny” going on: Nina had already let him go in Crooked Kingdom: 

“In the next life then,” she whispered. “Go.” She watched his eyes close once more. “Farvell,” she said in Fjerdan. “May Djel watch over you until I can once more.” - Crooked Kingdom, Chapter 39.

And yet, despite having already accepted Matthias’ death, she drags his corpse along with her. I’m not going to lie: when she finally does bury him, I teared up. Her eulogy was beautiful. That doesn’t mean that it should’ve happened when it did. The importance he is given to Nina is far greater than that he had in Six of Crows. She loved him, but she loved Ravka too. She also loved her friends, and she missed her life at the Little Palace. 

But for the first half of King of Scars, all she thinks about, all she cares about, is Matthias. I thought, “ok, maybe she’s rationalizing all the things that happened during her time at Ketterdam, her obsession with him is just a way to cope with PTSD”... but this all goes to hell when, despite her feelings, she willingly moves in with Brum at the end of her arc. She deserts Ravka and infiltrates Brum’s home instead of, oh, shooting his ugly face? When she’s got him defenseless, she chooses to keep him alive and not take him to Ravka for trial, despite the fact that she’s learned from him that they are planning something that relates to a Lantsov that’s not Nikolai, and that her country is at the brink of a war. She neglects to tell this to her allies as soon as she finds out and deserts the Second Army. [end of spoilers] 

All of this plus the fact that almost nothing that happens during her arc is connected to the other POVs makes for an overall confusing portion, the poorest of the novel, that’d have been so much better if Nina hadn’t had a perspective in Six of Crows. She was wildly OOC, in my opinion. But again, that doesn’t mean that everything about her parts were bad. I loved Hanne, one of the newly introduced characters, and I love her chemistry with Nina. I really hope they get together in the second book. 

Nikolai Lantsov 

I love him. His inner dialogue is one of the wittiest I’ve read, and we can finally see that he’s as sharp on the inside as he is on the outside, despite his insecurities (or maybe because of them). The first half of his story was the easiest, most interesting to read. Learning about his trauma, his struggles, his (literal) inner demon, and how he puts on a smart-ass brave face in spite of everything he has on his plate, plus seeing his wit first-hand, was great. One of my favorite parts of the book, along with Zoya’s, but that’s for later.

[vague spoilers]

The second part, though... I don’t know how much the Grisha Saints are based on Orthodox ones, but I’m not a fan of their storyline. While I’m not entirely familiar with Orthodox tradition, I am (or, well, I was brought up as) Catholic, and unless I’m severely mistaken, there are many similarities in the way Saints are depicted by both. However, the way that they were showed in King of Scars left a lot to be desired, in my honest opinion. Saints are not “edgy” and “inhuman”. Alina was a more accurate representation of the “older” or more primitive versions of Saints than Lizabeta and Grigori were in King of Scars. While the idea of powerful Grisha who helped people in a way that made them be seen as miracle-workers or holy people is alright, them being “beasts” or animals doesn’t follow any traditional lore that I am aware of. 

The idea of them being “wickedly evil”, or of someone like the Darkling being considered for Sainthood is not feasible I think, if not for anything else than the facts that he wasn’t a man of faith, he didn’t perform any miracles, he wasn’t a martyr, and he wasn’t particularly heroic or loved by the people, so I don’t see how he could be proclaimed a Saint or get such a large cult following that is not, let’s say, “Satanist” or heretic (to be fair, neither do most of the characters who have at least a pair of working braincells, but I digress). Hell, one of the Darkling’s own nicknames was “the Black Heretic”, so why the U-turn? 

I suppose, though, that we could be given an explanation for this last part in the following book, so I’m going to be open about it.

[end spoilers]

Zoya Nazyalensky 

I. Love. This. Woman... So much. She’s amazing. She’s one of the strongest, as of now most fleshed-out characters Leigh Bardugo has written, on par with Inej Ghafa, my overall favorite. Her POV was the one I enjoyed the most, her inner dialogue as sharp as her tongue, her story heartbreaking, and her personality as unapologetic but lovable (for those of us not under her glare, at least) as ever. I loved reading about her thoughts, her opinions, her likes and dislikes (though mostly her dislikes), and she’s 100% the type of female character we need more: women who don’t take no shit, but who are still human. Those who are strong but have feelings other than “murder”, that are not defined by what other expect of them, but still bask in the benefits their reputations as heartless give them. 

[slight spoilers]

The only problem I had with her POV, one that is extremely easy to fix, is related to her backstory. It’s established that her father was a Suli man, meaning that Zoya is now canonically a biracial woman. This is amazing! The most beautiful, powerful Grisha in all of Ravka (or, dare I say, the Grishaverse) is a woman of color. However, the way that this was established left something to be desired: there was absolutely no indication other than that of her mentioning it that she’s in any way Suli. Compared to Inej, whose culture is shown in absolutely every part of her character, the difference left me a little bit disappointed.

I’d be completely fine with it if she hadn’t known her father, or if she had been taken to the Little Palace when she was too little to remember anything about her family, but she lived 9 years with her parents, and she never makes absolutely any mention of any cultural aspect that she likes or misses about her heritage. This could be done in different ways: a throwaway comment about liking a particular type of Suli food, an art piece that reminds her of Suli art she liked/hated as a kid, a cultural tradition that she still participates in privately, a type of cloth, anything. None of that is there, though, so I was left with the impression that Zoya was whitewashed. Not in the “common” way, of for example a white person playing a black character, but in the characterization sense. 

A little bit more on that: when you’re writing characters of color, you have to be careful of many things. To name a few: not falling into stereotypes, making sure colorism has no bearing in the story, not oversimplifying issues faced by people of color, especially if you’re not part of that group, and that you’re not putting a “poc” label on a character that is otherwise white. The last one is in my opinion what has happened with Zoya. This can be avoided (and resolved) easily by including nods towards her culture. An acknowledgment that she’s not a monoracial white Ravkan through anything other than just one comment about how her father was Suli would resolve this issue and give us the most badass WoC in the Grishaverse. 

[end slight spoilers] 

Isaak

[major spoilers]

As for Isaak, I don’t have a lot to say about him, because overall I think he didn’t need to have a PoV in the story. He wasn’t a character we knew from before, so we didn’t care about him. He dies at the end of the story, his only purpose is to look like Nikolai and have the shortest almost-romance ever. All of this could have been shown through the eyes of either Tolya or Tamar, who always followed him around, so they could’ve shown the same story with no problem. All in all, his part wasn’t bad, but I didn’t care about it, which could maybe be a problem on itself. 

Lastly, my biggest problem, left for last: it doesn’t make any sense to me that Nikolai and Zoya would willingly align themselves with the Darkling. Zero. They were extremely and personally affected during the Civil War, the book does an amazing job of showing their trauma as a result of it, but by the end they willingly accept to work with him? No. I don’t want to believe that. It’s a disservice to the sacrifices the characters made in The Grisha Trilogy. Are you telling me Alina lost her power, her friends, faked her death and married Mal for that? For the Darkling to be back? This ending is a disservice to her sacrifice. I didn’t like that plot-twist at all, and I really look forward to the next  book, to know how this is all going to play out, because I’m extremely unsure about how good this development will be, story-wise, for the duology.

[end spoilers]

However, and to wrap my longest review yet, I want to say that this isn’t a bad book. The writing is fantastic. The characters, whether I agree with their characterization or not, are fleshed-out and sympathetic. The pacing is great, I read the whole novel in less than two days. While the world was already established in previous books, we got a lot more of depth and information about Ravkan and, mostly, Fjerdan and Shu culture. Bardugo remains one of my favorite writers in the YA and Fantasy genres, but because she is capable of so much, I wanted to give her work a review that reflects what I think of her talent, and of how much more I think she can do as a writer. 

"Yet now that the time had come to speak, Nikolai did not want to tell this story. He did not want it to be his story. He’d thought the war was in the past, but it refused to remain there.”

#lbardugo #review #book review #kos spoilers #my review #king of scars spoilers #leigh bardugo #my diverse recs #3 stars #king of scars