#hell he’s one of the biggest culprits for doing stuff like this lmao

[felizusnavidad]

> "most people who used to love lin in the past are his biggest haters now"

> "maybe pjo fandom is not as terrible as i thought"

two things! one: i actually did used to hate lin, but that was a short phase, and i realized i actually was upset at my younger self, and was just taking it out on people and things i associated with who i was at that time

two: that really made me think, so i have some comments actually! they’re not super insightful or conclusive, but: (if you don’t mind)

i think lin and rick riordan (the author of the pjo books) are actually pretty similar? they’re both goofy older dudes with usually much younger audiences (or at least that was true when i was a big-time hamilton fan, things might have changed), and they’re guys who have certainly made mistakes, but overall are good people (and incredible creative geniuses, but that’s a little more lin than rick tbh)

i definitely can be seriously critical of lin, i definitely think he’s corny as hell, and i definitely lightly make fun of him, but only to a point. if it starts looking a little too hostile, i remind everyone (and it’s almost always universally true) that all of us do actually love his work, and if any of us saw him in public we’d all want to ask for a photo and tell him how brilliant hamilton is, or how beautiful in the heights is, or several other wonderful things he’s done. we’re all very eager to see any creative work he’s involved in because we know it’s going to be awesome, so we really can’t complain about him that much

i am much more seriously critical of rick and things he has previously said than i am of lim (also, a lot of pjo fans call riordan "uncle rick", which is, let’s be honest, INCREDIBLY CORNY! like i do it sometimes but it’s GOOFY as HELL!)

i jokingly bully rick as well — i have sent messages about him that are like "dear lord i one day i am going to kick that old man’s ass", or more often just "RICHARD. COME ON." — but it also doesn’t get too mean. when i see comments that stray from genuine criticisms that also acknowledge he’s grown as a person or like a little friendly teasing of a guy we all admire and towards shitty comments about a stranger, i am always the first in line to defend that old man!

a while ago my older sister asked me why "gen z hates lin manuel miranda", and i explained that 1. he did some stuff that isn’t great but also really seems to have grown from that point (and also probably the smallest problem people have with him), 2. a lot of gen z went through hardcore hamilton phases and now resent their past selves (this is a major factor), and 3. being earnest is the internet’s biggest sin (the most likely culprit and also the saddest answer)

making fun of rick is very common in the pjo fandom, and at least some pjo fans bullying lin are doing it in the same way, so it’s supposed to be more "teenage cousins are gently ribbing that one goofy uncle" than actual hate? i know that there are a lot of people that are just genuinely being mean, but i hope you can find some solace that it isn’t quite as much as it looks like

okay this has been weird and maybe a little scattered, i’m blaming it on my adhd medication being way too low of a dosage lmao

but i’m sorry you & other lmm fans haters, (and i’m extra sorry because there’s a decent chance one of them was 15 year old me)

ok, wow. i don't even know how to answer that (anon, this is super long, WHY)...

so first of all, i am not a part of pjo fandom, this is important - i've said this before, i'm gonna say it again: i've never read the books, i started watching the show only because of lin, i know nothing about rick & all those inside jokes you guys have, but if making fun of him is normal in this fandom, that's totally fine. silly jokes & actual hate are not the same thing for me.

"they’re both goofy older dudes with usually much younger audiences" - that is not entirely true & it comes from someone in their late 20s (& i know a lot of people from this fandom who are waaaaay over 20). being goofy & corny, those are not real reasons to hate on somebody like that... actually, everything you said here, i already knew. people are ashamed of their hamilton phase - oh, we should definitely blame lin for that, he's literally the worst because he wrote a musical once & we were super cringe about it... did he make mistakes in the past? yes, we all do, nobody's perfect. i've heard about much more problematic celebrities & people don't even talk about them but for some reason they have to shit on lin all the fucking time. he's done more good than bad (i could write a super long essay for you but it's late & i don't even know why i'm writing all of this), that is the truth & this is where i stand.

now, we are not talking about "making fun of him", we are talking about actual hate, examples:

"lin-manuel miranda should die/we should kill him"

"i would also turn evil if lin was my father/i would kill myself if he was my father"

those are real comments i've seen about him & it all comes from pjo fandom. this is the reason why i said this fandom is terrible. like, are you guys aware that he actually has kids? go outside, touch some grass & leave him alone (i'm not talking about you anon, you're ok, i'm talking about real haters).

#i could write more & more & more... #but you can just scroll my blog if you even want to read it #i've been defending him for weeks cause pjo fandom became insufferable after 3rd episode #so... yeah #it's literally midnight what the hell am i doing with my life #lmm #lin manuel miranda #pjo #anon #yes i got your letter yes i'm doing better*

[karumaitsu]

Hey in that matsuzo comic you did a while back what did it actually mean?? I’m so dumb bro you gotta help me it’s driving me crazy

(Also I love your art u is a treat) xx

I’m glad I finally got an ask like this because I’ve been needing an excuse to dump my original vision for the blog since I don’t think I will continue anytime soon

So, here’s an unplanned stream of consciousness explanation for Karumaitsu:

Before I go off and forget the question entirely, the basic of the blog is that during a review (the sandwich one) Karamatsu unwillingly becomes a witness to a crime (I was thinking a murder of some kind) and the culprit starts to stalk Kara and generally harasses and threatens him. Though he tries to deal with it quietly and by himself, Osomatsu gets involved and the two find a way to deal with the stalking permanently. The person in the first post is actually Osomatsu, and although I never really worked out the kinks, I was planning on the ending to be Kara and Oso luring the stalker to a secluded area to fatally confront him.

The reviews, asks, and little events all take place in the past. In my head all of the reviews and ask responses (save for some of the story related posts) are like video uploads on a YouTube channel, and my first post, the forest at night, is the latest upload. I wanted to try and give the effect of someone seeing that, wondering what the hell happened, and then going through the entire channel’s uploads to see what led up to that point.

My basic premise was to take a gag that I felt was a good enough hook to turn some heads and separate myself from other blogs. I went with food reviews because I had a lot of art/joke au(?) versions of the boys surrounding food, and also I find the absurdity of Karamatsu (my favorite) making food reviews in some broke ass car on the side of the road somewhere (Plus, Karumaitsu just sounds nice to me). I wanted to add a overarching story and horror/thriller twist to the premise, which could be a way to make the blog a little more interesting for anyone who might come across it, and keep me from getting bored and having it go the way of my previous ask blogs (which ultimately didn’t work out lmao)

If I’m honest, I think a combination of graduating high school and my waning interest in Tumblr/Osomatsu-San really killed my desire to continue with the blog. I also have a nasty habit of waiting a long ass time to start a project I’m unsure of, and I think if I had jumped on the project sooner, I would have finished it. I had it all planned out and I only had about 5-6 reviews left before concluding the story altogether. I also get impatient, so I feel my execution was off. If I were to go back, I would remake the sandwich review make it more easy to understand what happened (not too easy, but more than what I had). You’re not dumb for not getting it Anon, I just didn’t feel like I stuck the landing.

I’ve wanted to revive the blog multiple times over the years but it never seemed like a good time, and a lot of the work I do now is focused less on fan art but my own oc story Hexcode (which this blog has helped me work out the kinks in, so I’m greatful) but Tumblr is really bad when it comes to oc work which is why I’ve essentially abandoned it. I do have an idea for another horror/murder mystery au with a Flowershop!Kara, I have some doodles and it’s some of the few Oso-related art I want to make these days. However I know myself well enough to know that a blog, especially on Tumblr will prolly be short lived, especially since the fandom just isn’t what it used to be, and I’m certainly not the super fan I was back then.

I’ve rambled far too long already but I do really want to thank everyone who supported this blog while it was active, this was by far my biggest and fastest growing blog which I’m still shocked about. Specific shoutout to @taramatsu-san for not only contributing art but overall just being a really neat and supportive person. We don’t talk too much anymore but if you see this you’re valid!! If anyone is still interested in the stuff I’m working on now, I’m most active on Instagram and like I said earlier most of my work is just oc stuff now, so if you’re not interested it’s no worry. Maybe I’ll come back to this concept someday, but for now I feel it’s best to leave it as is.

I probably won’t see any replies or asks, I rarely go on Tumblr anymore but feel free to message me on Instagram, Twitter, or even discord, my handle is Bodyshot#2845. See ya later alligators 👌

#I’m also graduating from college now so my time is really limited with my senior film and portfolio stuff #but I’m grateful for this blog- it’s the one I’m the proudest of and I’m happy with a lot of the art #I’m also proud of myself for keeping the kara character without turning him into an asshole #most of my karas end up that way out of habit cause I like him defending himself hdjjs #karumaitsu #ask blog #update #kara #karamatsu #oso san au #osomatsu san

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

1-100 cute questions

:~)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?- more cereal than milk! it has to be crunchy and milk is fucking gross, even though i use almond milk instead

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?- FUCK yeah, especially if it's also sunny outside

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?- grocery receipts are the usual culprit. maybe i should make my own bookmarks!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?- rn i'm having sugar free white chocolate w half & half and 3 splenda

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?- i'm self conscious of my entire existence my friend

6: do you keep plants?- yes! she gave me and orchid and a bamboo plant a while back, and i have ian my aloe/succulent

7: do you name your plants?- lmfao yes, ian! she named the bamboo melman, and i never named the orchid. zack and sabrina are no longer w us unfortunately

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?- i used to write and draw a lot. i don't get a chance to do it as often now but i rly am trying more. i'll even try my hand at inktober this year but yikes scared bc i can't actually draw

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?- hell yeah bitch if i am in the mood for it

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?- all of the above? lmao. my back is most cozy but sleep paralysis, so a mix of side stomach like its a specific diagonal ass position on my bed lol

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?- "coming this soon"

12: what's your favorite planet?- FUCKING JUPITER BRO OMFG MY URL ARE TWO OF MY FAVE MOONS OF JUPITER TEST ME BITCH

13: what's something that made you smile today?- i don't think i've smiled today? maybe something michelle said earlier when we went to lowe's

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?- *takes pics of my current place*might have a little more aesthetic to it just bc location though. and if i live in a bigger city than orlando that means i have more money to REALLY fulfill my aesthetic wishes

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!- Recent work by planetary scientists has indicated that the deep atmospheres of Jupiter and Saturn may contain chunks of diamond floating in a liquid hydrogen-helium fluid. MEANING, it rains diamonds on jupiter

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?- permission crusted chicken, w angel hair in a lemon butter sauce

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?- i was going for a magenta over the summer and was p successful but my mom paid for me to not keep lightening and shit, that wasn't my money so idc lol rn its auburn-ish. i rly do still want a light blond/almost gray though

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.- the time i got incredibly drunk, like, throwing up and dying can't even walk drunk like wow i'm not like that lmao so when that happens it's wild

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?- i have multiple journals and a sketch book. the sketch book is whatever i feel inspired to draw atm and bc thats so rare i just be picking it up and going lmao. i hardly write anymore, these questions kinda keep me going

20: what's your favorite eye color?- light brown is vastly underrated tbh, like yeah green is cool but i have always been a sucker for hazel or just noticeably lighter brown eyes. i remember this one boy in the 8th grade had me swooning w that alone lmao and ofc my gf now its soo nice

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.- i no longer have it, but i had the same jansport since the seventh grade. i used to customize it and sew on letters or iron on, change it up ever so often, and got rid of it senior year of high school

22: are you a morning person?- i really am not, but everyone thinks i am since i'm up at 6am even the days i ain't got shit to do

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?- PLAY VIDEO GAMES. draw, do these questions, sometimes even brainstorm ideas about books i'll never write

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?- shit every single one of them? well nvm, yeah there is. jordan. that's my ride or die forreal and honestly i think she does know ABSOLUTELY everything there is to know about me. timmy too actually!

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?- hmm idk if it counts but this one "abandoned house" in the gables to smoke, and the rooftop of merrick park late at night

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?- bro i had these low top black and white converse that i got for christmas one year from this boy that rly liked me lmao i kept them for a hotttt minute, through college i think but had to throw them away when the sole finally gave out

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?- just mint is fine

28: sunrise or sunset?- sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?- just how she remembers and notices absolutely everything. i moved a pin in my room once and after not having been over for a week she asked me where it was as soon as she walked in

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?- yeah last night when i was home alone and i swear i thought i heard knocks on my bedroom door which would be impossible. fuck no i didn't open it

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.- i think socks are cool, they make my feet soft if i put them on immediately after showering & moisturizing. they protect your heels from getting too cracked as well. i don't care for white socks, but am a slut for black no show ones. i sometimes have to buy kids socks bc my feet are so fucking small that no show, still show. i like aesthetic socks! like the ones w cartoons and stuff like that. and knee high socks can be sexy, just maybe not on me?

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.- i don't be w friends like that? OH but this one night we went to see Laidback Luke at Space and then we went to Nikki beach to drink some more and watch the sun rise and we all rly bonded and i learned some shit about my friends i def ain't know before it was rly nice. there was a dog we met there named molly LMFAO

33: what's your fave pastry?- i like lemon and red velvet stuff. guava and cheese pastries are good too i miss them

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?- okay i didn't rly have any stuffed animals as a kid, but that boy i was obsessed with, omar, he gave me a plush lil puppy one year for christmas and omg i cherished it lmao. but then my dog got it and i was so sad :(

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?- FUCK YEAH I DO. i use them often, though not as often as before like i need to get back on track w being organized

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?- arctic monkeys, always

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?- clean!!!! i finished cleaning it completely today and wow i feel like a brand new person

38: tell us about your pet peeves!- messes stress me outtttttt, like gross unhygienic messes omfg

39: what color do you wear the most?- black bitch, next

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?- i have these 1/4 carat diamond earrings that i received as a christmas gift last year from one of my kids and it was just so sweet and i rly love them, they're the only earrings i wear now

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?- the zodiac series! and lord of shadows!

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!- no i don't, not yet at least. i would like to find a rly rly nice one, maybe we'll go hunting for one next weekend. there are two rly good boba places i like though!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?- michelle maybe? and no gaze, we just noticed the starts were nice during that hurricane lmao

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?- july 8, 2017 it was short lived limited to just that day lmao but it was nice

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?- some times? my instincts don't be telling me a lot tbh

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.- "what did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis"

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?- sea food? fucking pickles!! mustard too

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?- roaches, and possibly hell yeah

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?- i do! but i have apple music now so i do not buy music or anything any more

50: what's an odd thing you collect?- tickets. plane tickets, parking tickets, concert tickets, admission tickets, sometimes even receipts, if it has a nice enough memory attached to it i collect it

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?- nothing i can think of at the moment

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?- salt bae, all the "it" memes, the neo yokio memes, "i had to do it to em," x-files memes

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?- i'm familiar w rocky horror & the heathers, love beattle juice, haven't watched pulp fiction

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?- myself whenever i look in the mirror

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?- i don't rly be doing shit "just to prove a point" thats rly petty

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?- love when their faces light up talking about some shit that gets them hype

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?- i rly don't fucking care for bohemian rhapsody like why is that a thing

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?- i am vodka aunt

59: what's your favorite myth?- I LOVE ALL GREEK MYTHOLOGY EQUALLY. norse mythology is cool too, as is celtic but i think greek is my fave

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?- poetry is hard to get into bc so much of it doesn't resonate w me or comes off as fake deep tumblr posts (i'm looking @ you milk and honey). howl by allen ginsberg is still my fave

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?- i'm always surprised to be getting any gifts at all, i don't think i have ever received anything "stupid." my gf used to love giving me food and candy though but like i'm fat so no. and i don't give gifts without putting any thought into it so i have never given a "stupid" gift either.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?- no, i drink ice cold water and coffee. sometimes crystal light which isn't rly juice to me i think its just flavored water

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?- nigga YES! i just reorganized my entire bookshelf and my itunes is not as neat bc i'm behind but i also keep that rly meticulously done

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?- blue-ish gray

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?- my gf, lmao. thuy!!!! nick and andres too omg!!

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?- not roses, it'd be an assortment of a ton of flowers, lots of pink and green and white

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?- i fucking THRIVE it's nice, scary movie and reading weather

68: what's winter like where you live?- it's FAKE AS HELL. i wish it just a tad cooler, like ten or fifteen degrees

69: what are your favorite board games?- i like scategories and the game of life. candyland!

70: have you ever used a ouija board?- those are caucasian activities no thank you

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?- great tea or tazo passion tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?- HELL YEAH and i'll note it down multiple times like written, typed, phone agenda, etc it's hard and i hate my shit memory

73: what are some of your worst habits?- procrastination is the worst i think

75: tell us about your pets!- i don't have any :( i would count zeus but i'm also deathly allergic to him

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?- yeah!!!!! smh

77: pink or yellow lemonade?- "why not both?" probably pink more

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?- hate that shit they're so ugly and annoying and gross and hate how they talk like bro

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?- i never thought my mom cared about me tbh but she threw me a huge graduation/birthday party i cried.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?- they're a nude/beige, i didn't pick it but i'm also not painting over. its nice though

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.- this sounds nice in theory but i dont rly have the energy for it rn lol

82: are/were you good in school?- i was but i coasted, had i tried a lot harder and dedicated more time to it i could have been better

83: what's some of your favorite album art?-i can't think of any rly  

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?- i have to add to what i have on my back, and have a few more i would like but am not sure about

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?- i do! i'm actually reading one now on tumblr, its called countdown to countdown and its rather interesting. i like twd comics, and am also reading the OoT manga. i rly love manga too actually, inuyasha was the first one i read that got me into it

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?- BECAUSE THE INTERNET, CHILDISH GAMBINO

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?- i've seen a ton of movies dude. i think spirited away or kiki's delivery service, or princess mononoke. ghibli movies w strong female leads. howl's moving castle too but it does focus more on romance. i should reread the book

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?- i'm not familiar enough w art to tell you! i think art is rly interesting though, and don't particularly care for modern art

89: are you close to your parents?- not rly, but am more so as an adult. i don't tell them my business or anything like that though

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.- seattle just really resonates w me and the more i talk about it the stupider it sounds. but i have been to quite a few cities, DC, atlanta, Tallahassee, miami, san diego, vegas, the list goes on. none of them made me feel the way seattle does. maybe bc i went alone? maybe the time period that i went? some of the memories attached to the city kind of suck now, lol, but still rly important to me

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?- nowhere in particular this year, but i'm def going back to seattle next year guaranteed, maybe doing paradiso

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?- if its my own sauce then no cheese at all, otherwise olive garden def hates me

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?- i just wash it and wear it down

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?- today is felisha's bday apparently

95: what are your plans for this weekend?- uh idk, ig see my gf. i'm avoiding a baby shower but idk what we'll do instead

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?- i procrastinate on them a ton lmfao "remind me later" yeah bitch in like a century

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?- INTP, gemini, ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?- i don't think i ever have gone hiking

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.- i'm sure there are a few but nothing i can think of off the top of my head. reflection by 5h actually lol

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?- FIVE YEARS INTO THE PAST and five years ago is a rly good time to go back to!!! i was 20 and going through suchhhhh a bad break up but i wish i could have gotten up and been a bad bitch sooner lol i love the stuff i experienced that year, went to my first edc and whatnot. 2013 was rough on me but i pushed through it! 2014 i made some bad choices that i would change, 2015 wan alright but i can do it better and i'm not even sure what 2016 was. i would have started teaching sooner had i known it was something i could do i think. i would have worked harder and been more responsible especially financially, though tbh i did pretty well. i'd just do adulthood a lot better and start off a lot stronger. I WOULD REDO THAT LOCKHEED INTERVIEW AND ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

#personal #inthemoodforlovee #asks

[theoneicelady]

This is some weird ass reflection I made about an oc

Id recommend you dont read it

Im just posting It cause Tumblr seems great for keeping stuff when my phone is ass

[21/7 12:27] : You know, its quite interesting

Its not the first time Im in a position like this

The first time, he wanted me to die, just because I was there.

The second time, he wanted to never let me go. And I stayed, and it was worse for everyone. It wasnt love, It was just.. guilt. And manipulation.

This time, well this time I really did die for him. There was guilt, theres manipulation..

And I think Im gonna stay, too. I guess some things never change. I guess some people never learn.

Except this time, I think it must be love

[21/7 12:36] : Thats how it works isnt it?

I cant really explain

And if so, love for what?

For humanity? A humanity thats already condemned.

For the ~friends aka the group of cheaters and liars that couldnt stop trying to fuck eachothers lives up for a second?

For..for him? The guy that couldnt stand seeing me prosper for once even if It was as a TRIBUTE TO HIM. That gathered everything bad in his life and took it out on me, who he was suposed to ~love,

[21/7 12:36] : He who took my fucking life

[21/7 12:38] : He who I still try to see sometimes

[21/7 12:38] : Why do I even do that

[21/7 12:38] : Why do I even do any of this?

[21/7 12:43] : Guardian angel? Fuck off is that what the destiny forces me to do? Didnt work too well for any of us did it

Im not a kind floating entity that can do no wrong and suffers for humanity and the mistakes of others Im not an angel I dont know what the fuck I am

Im just a generic-as-can-get girl who had the misfortune to

[21/7 12:43] : .

.

.

.

[21/7 12:43] : Im tired

[21/7 12:44] : And yet I have more energy than Ive had in years

[21/7 12:44] : Heh

[21/7 12:44] : Love they say

[21/7 12:45] : Those voices in my head

[21/7 12:45] : I guess I really cant change

[21/7 12:45] : Even if I dont know if this is who I am

[21/7 12:57] : Now this just for the record since I am writting down my thoughts

"I think,, one thousand of me is hoping that he can change

At least his mind, you know?

He seems lonely and always bored and

I wonder who I am to him. Not generally but, on the times we hang out for hours

I- that- .. Ill never tell him but I really want to believe thats not just to add to my paranoia. That would suck.

I was gonna say maybe its more than 1/1000 but no. I know. It really is just that much that has hope.

Why do I do it then

Well I think the sad truth is that deep down some of that desolate, tired part of me just..wants to be with him. And pretend nothing happened or that it wasnt a big deal.

I could say its so that wherever he is if It can reach him he can have peace of mind

But no... I think Im doing this for me. Just like how funerals are for the alive, you know?

Its as close as Ill get to being with him again. Even if its just his body. Even if its all just pretending.

[21/7 12:59] : I m not even sure if I can feel anymore

So what would it matter if all the feelings were fake?

[21/7 13:00] : Who would be there to notice

If I am not

[21/7 13:01] : . .

.

[21/7 13:05] : And then, It comes

I am suposed to keep fighting and kinda triumphantly win at the end

But that wont bring any peace to him and, I can bring mine at any moment

Would I be calm? No

But, what is peace of mind when ones dead

Just some more despair to transcend my corpse and be thrown into the void

With my luck it would reach him but well what else could I do

[21/7 13:05] : ..than bring peace to at least one of us

[21/7 13:05] : Its not like everyone else has too long left anyway

[21/7 13:07] : Maybe I should try to rest while its lonely; lest I be dragged into another eternal curse once everyone else falls

[21/7 13:09] : Then, finally, we cant ignore the rest, biggest part of the motive which is, I would guess, the burning fury against all thats happened

[21/7 13:10] : That for once, and unlike in real life, It has one and only one culprit, Who caused everything and onto whom to discharge the anger

[21/7 13:12] : Of course this is also an illusion for in that anger I try to hide the pain of who it was that caused him and what I did to elicit it

[21/7 13:15] : Which makes everything even more tragic cause as everyone would agree both that and her were not deserving of what came

Then theres also the other girl who while being an awful human being could not possibly imagine what her actions would result in for us and possibly the world

Obviously she is not at fault for all of this even if she was to blame for starting this awful spiral of pain

[21/7 13:22] : But, back on track, theres so much anguish burning inside that trying to take it out on someone that can not be hurt and looks like the lost lover is just asking for things to go wrong

Since he can not feel could it be that I am harboring the storm that is the feelings of b/o/th souls?

Cause that would be fucked up as fuck and I cant take all this torment for something that is, in all levels of reality, false

[21/7 13:27] : I am too calm at the moment to bring out the real rage iside

And since its the most usual and easy to replicate emotion I think its easy to conceive and will be leaving this here for today, hopefully not forever.

Unless a wet-with-tears rant of rage comes that needs to vent I probably wont get back to it.

I am waiting for it I just really dont want it to visit.

[21/7 13:27] : Goodbye~*

[21/7 13:29] : https://youtu.be/hRBOnA0ak4w

[21/7 13:31] : Then again maybe we're all actors in the roles we have to play and until those days come we're all just lonely and trying to live the weird ass alternative version of Life we're cursed with

[21/7 13:33]: I wont try to make Fear misunderstood and a product of his upbringing uwu for a second but his existence IS different and I see how that could cause things

[21/7 13:42] : God this is such a bizarre experience this is horrible

Like yeah Im here simpathising with my (& my bedt friends) murderer hanging out and carrying a encarnations of Life/death type relationship while I also have to fight and like trick him into dying in the distant future OH and he also likes to psychologically torture me and my friend and we're suposed to have this friendly at odds, lanzando pullitas kind of thing but god dang it this is too much holy god the only way to not go mad is not caring

AND I KNOW HIS OBJECTIVE IS TO DRIVE ME MAD OR MAKE ME QUIT

AND I KNOW in his description by the author a whole part WAS literally "hes the result of being raised without love" BUT HOLY FUCKING FUCK SHIT man WHAT THE HELL

This is worse than stockholms syndrome cause its all from hIS body and I dont fucking

Like

I just

This would never in a millions years work like this if it wasnt HIM and ME and THEM and GOD DAMN this is a weird fucking thing to attach my existence to FUCKING GOD

-

Its nice to have an hyperfixation again and It being so unique? Omg. I probably wouldnt be able to be without it (one) no its not worrying its just nice -

Justo después fue la warner

And now, like a week after this

I just saved his fucking life

Sympathise? Lmao

Of course he lied about what I was doing but, I KNEW It wouldnt be good

Did I just make him inmortal. I fucking think maybe.

But he said he needed my help ah

Also when I freak at how cute he is he goes torture my so like a child le somethin

Ay lmao what the hell

#guardar #lodf