#hello. i am thinking about how i have been on concerta every week day since i was 15

[literaphobe]

having adhd be like *is scared of your own mind*

#adhd #hello. i am thinking about how i have been on concerta every week day since i was 15 #oh except for the holidays #which is when i would gain. large amounts of weight #u see i would lose my appetite on the pill #concerta would. snap whatever connection there was between my hunger in my stomach and my brain #i just wouldn’t feel it #and no one would force me to eat in school and my parents didn’t care #my dad thought it was great. lol. #when i went off the pill for extended periods of time my body would overcompensate by stuffing myself and i would gain back the weight #and then some. and also when i’m on the pill i just hate myself and no one really likes me all that much either. #i literally become dull. my mind becomes..... quiet. and i just. become less of a person. i do whatever is ‘necessary’ and don’t do much els #it’s a horrible way to exist!! it is!! there’s many more things but i just. #it’s so strange to have people around me who only knew concerta me. to be like. oh ur so quiet and mellow :) what a calm person who sucks :) #i hated it i did i would never sing when i was on concerta even because i never felt the urge. it feels so soulless #when i started college i took concerta more sparingly. staggered. maybe 3/5 days in the week day. #it was a mistake. the dissonance between pill me and non pill me would just be really weird #i’d even take expired pills which i suppose were less effective #it made me all kinds of bad especially since i was doing a degree that i had no prior experience in #and had no passion for. that i barely put work into. by normal people standards #anyway..... even when i decided to do linguistics i wasn’t doing great #i went off the pill last semester? #+ covid made everything weird + i was teaching #so my grades fucking suck lmao #and i’m realizing that this is the first time since i was 15 that i’ve been indefinitely pill-less. and it’s a big painful reminder that #i cannot function the way normal humans do. there are things concerta me is capable of that adhd me isn’t. there’s things adhd me can do #that concerta me can’t. but even then it’s so funny because concerta me has adhd too. she does weird ass stupid shit. i fucking hate her #but even i have to admit she’s more suited for. functionality. than adhd me #and i’m sitting here thinking. maybe it’s time to stop kidding myself #maybe it’s time to just...... sell my soul and just not exist as myself. i don’t know how long that will be