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#helping them grow and learn
andthebeanstalk · 11 months
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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your-turn-to-role · 1 year
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moment of appreciation again for what is possibly my favourite later game percy quote that everyone always forgets about
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(said to vex, of course)
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 9 months
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Aw! XL cooking reminded me of when I was working with children and they'd get nightmares/scared of monsters, so was go to the garden and make Monster Soup! Anything that looked good would go into the nearest source of water (often a bird bath) so that the monsters would know we are kind people and stay outside and not come inside. Also the monsters would think of us as friends and protect us instead of scaring us. Now I'm hoping that I have turned any of these kids into bad cooks bc I was like that flower looks good! Toss it in! 😅😄😄😄
Thank you for reminding me of this memory!
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I'm-In-Love-With-The-Monster Soup.
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I wonder what the kids and teachers in luz's school think of her now. Shes stopped "terrorizing" other kids, mainly because she seems to have stopped engaging with most of her classmates period. She no longer brings live animals or taxidermy to school. She even participates in english class occasionally, even if she doesnt "get" the point of the book. Her rants only clock as suicidal if you know about her time in the boiling isles which the people at her school do not.
I wonder if luz's teachers and schoolmates think that luz mellowed out over the summer. If the principal/counselor that suggested she go to the camp patted himself on the back because shes "improved."
#the owl house#toh#shut up pandora#luz noceda#something something people see a neurodivergent kid having depression and breathe a sigh of relief bc now theyre finally 'normal'#people speculate maybe luz would have been fine going to the summer camp and while i agree she would have made friends#she would not have been fine! she would have just learned to suppress her identity like camila did#but going to the boiling isles was her only option bc she either gets suppressed quickly at the summer camp#or she keeps acting out at school and eventually society wears her down and shames her into conforming like it did to her mom#something about how even if the camp helps luz act like a 'normal person' she still would have been miserable bc she couldnt be herself#it temporarily benefits her by giving her friends and benefits ppl around her by making her act 'normal'#but the kids there are still weird at heart! they have a community to be weird around now but society at large will still look down on them#unless they put on a front all the time to fit in#and the boiling isles isnt perfect either its society still looks down on luz for being different#but it accepts her neurodivergence and her new friends are all neurodivergent like her so she still has a community to be herself around#and while it looks down on her for having no natural magic it isnt something shes been shamed about growing up like her neurodivergence was#anyway the camp wasnt as catastrophic as luz thought it would be and vee benefitted from it#but it still represented a slow rot. the kind that eats away at neurodivergent kids as they grow up#slowly shaming them to hide away parts of themselves deemed unfit for society#and when you hide behind a front and are exhausted and miserable from it#everyone applauds you for your 'recovery.' youve improved yourself. they never liked the old you#good job on destroying yourself and shoving the pieces into a facsimile of what the people around you think you ought to be
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fromtheseventhhell · 8 months
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I want to make a longer post about this someday but: I think Arya's TWOW arc is going to include her coming to terms with her identity as a Lady. This has been an ongoing conflict with her since her first chapter and I think her flowering in winds is going to mark a turning point. The theory of her having an apprenticeship with the courtesans holds a lot of weight and the idea of Arya going through puberty among a group of unconventional women she's fostered a positive relationship with is just too perfect. It would really have an impact on Arya reconciling her personal idea of what a Lady should be. There's also a lot that she could learn from them in terms of courtesies, communication, appearances, body-language, etc. that would elevate her current skill-set and ways her relationship with them could push the plot.
Not to mention she will undoubtedly reclaim her identity as Arya Stark, and her being a Lady is inseparable from that. Arya Stark is a Lady Stark and being a Lady is a social position, not a measure of how well someone preforms feminine tasks. She shouldn't have to relinquish her position because she doesn't fit patriarchal standards. That's not to say that she's ever going to be the perfect example of a traditional Lady but what I think will happen is that she becomes capable of playing the part. She plays several identities throughout the series but she's always been Arya underneath, so I think it's appropriate that she learns to adopt a "persona" that's part of her. Her remembering Ned putting on his "Lord's face" (+ the various examples of other characters being separate from their ruling persona) makes me think that Arya will be donning her "Lady's face" when she makes a return to Westeros.
#arya stark#asoiaf#twow speculations#Arya has been through so much traumatic shit and I think her flowering is going to bring up a lot of her self-esteem issues#I just really need her surrounded by kind older women when that happens so she can have some comfort#George saying her arc in braavos could be the plot of a YA novel?? definitely makes me think she's going to grow up a lot there#she's already one of the most mature characters so I think part of it's going to be her accepting her duty as a Stark Lady#she wants to help and protect people and the best way she can do that is if she has political power#She could learn that first hand in TWOW#possibly through her finding out about her marriage??? and meeting Jeyne in Braavos??#and before someone says it courtesans are so much more then sex work so I don't want to hear it#they are such a big part of Braavosi high life...they're cultured and connected with very important people#I just have so many thoughts on the subject cause I think her apprenticeship with them will serve multiple purposes#the faceless men and their plans...the iron bank...the sealord...It's all connected and I think her apprenticeship with them will kick off#the braavos plot and could mark the beginning of the end of her time with the faceless men and in braavosi#half a boy half a wolf pup -> half a lady half a wolf#I think her current skillset fits well and it's likely she'll learn even more in TWOW#Arya defining her own role as a Lady and becoming comfortable means so much to me
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lord-squiggletits · 14 days
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Thinking about IDW Optimus again and the fandom's aversion to even acknowledging he exists bc he's a cop or whatever and like. Most of the time people literally just replace him in fic with some white bread knockoff archivist/librarian, not even bothering to keep in IDW OP's personality (which just bolsters my theory that the problem isn't him being a cop the problem is that he's too multifaceted but I digress).
And it's annoying because you could totally write IDW Optimus as not a cop while still keeping his canon personality. You just have to realize that the reason IDW OP became a cop in the first place is because his formative experiences when he was young shaped him to basically have two priorities: 1. To help people and 2. To do it by being on the ground actively doing something about the bad things happening to people.
IDW OP would not be a fucking librarian or archivist because even though those are noble pursuits that can help people and change the world, and Optimus is educated/smart enough for the profession, he wouldn't be satisfied just teaching people or spreading information about activism or social-historical studies or whatever. He's a mech of action: he needs to be doing things right now, in front of him, to people he sees/interacts with in his own eyes, improving society with concrete actions rather than indirect action or abstract inspiration.
So basically the alternate job ideas I can think of for IDW Optimus are something like being a firefighter (or any first responder really) or even whatever the equivalent would be to international charity organizations, those ones that send volunteers across the world to do stuff like build housing/infrastructure or distribute food or whatnot. I mean I can't imagine that the equivalents to these things would be exactly the same in IDW Cybertron, so you'd have to get a little creative with it, but these are just some ideas of jobs that would fit IDW Optimus' personality while still filling the niche of "not a cop" for people who are just that opposed to it.
Though I think the revulsion against coptimus is annoying in general tbh because IDW is already a continuity that rejects the idea of easily defined good/evil people or groups. It feels like people really want Optimus to be a good person in a very sanitized and academically approved way, so he has to be nice and squeaky clean but also like, a perfect leftist who knows theory and holds the most progressive opinions on every single issue....
There is no room for the idea that good people join bad institutions, there's no room for the idea that the reason people think cops are good guys who help people is bc of the government propaganda everything is saturated with. Hell there's even later issues of the Optimus Prime series by John Barber where Optimus like, MULTIPLE FUCKING TIMES, is shown in flashbacks grappling with the fact that he as a cop/Zeta's regime that he works for might not actually be improving society like they say they are, and dealing with the fact that he feels more like a lesser evil compared to the Decepticons (perhaps not "lesser" at all).
It's like there's this idea in fandom of like, fictional media and opinions on media having to strictly adhere to progressive ideals at all times. So people just go "cops bad, this character is a cop, therefore they suck" without being willing to engage with the idea of like. IDW OP is born wanting to fight injustice and protect people -> a good way to protect people is to fight the people who are hurting them and committing crimes -> surely following the law is a reliable moral code to guide him in this -> becomes a cop because he's been indoctrinated into a society (much like our own) where he was told that the state/the law exist to protect the people and being a cop means you get to fight bad guys that hurt people. There's really so many interesting concepts there that could be (and CANONICALLY IS) explored about how good, well-intentioned people can be led to harmful actions simply because they have been fed the idea that the things they're doing are good/helpful/noble. Which is especially important for a character like Optimus, I think, who has a cultural icon status as The Irrefutable and Perfect Good, so it's really important actually to use IDW Optimus as an example of how even the most noble people you know have held problematic beliefs or done bad things at some point in their life. You know, because no one is born perfect and ideologically pure, and in fact society is constructed in exactly a manner to make people drink the kool-aid and believe that the systems designed to hurt them/others are just a normal, if flawed, society.
I mean the writing in IDW literally has Optimus deal directly and indirectly with the harm he's done as a cop and how people don't/didn't trust him because of that. I don't know what the fuck else this fandom wants if the source material literally saying "OP realizes that cops suck and he hurt people and earned their disdain by doing the things he did" doesn't stop them from going EW cop bastard sucks and is the worst Optimus. Like the narrative barely stops short of outright saying ACAB and Optimus himself would agree with this sentiment.
At that point, the collective fandom beef with IDW OP isn't because he's a cop and the narrative didn't do enough to condemn that. The problem is literally just that people don't read and don't care
TLDR: Consider the fact that good people can do bad things sometimes especially when living from birth in a corrupt society that thoroughly disguises its vices/oppressive structures as completely normal parts of existence
#squiggposting#idw op love#like honestly just admit that you havent actually read his parts of the story#or that in a continuity of moral grayness you insist OP must be the one person who's perfectly good#bc idk Optimus is supposed to be good and perfect bc nostalgia/marketing/mythology says he should be#also i feel like theres evidence here of a very juvenile mindset of like#to be good a person has to have all the right beliefs and say it in all the right ways#which is the mindset only extremely insular or inexperienced ppl could possibly have lmao#heartbreaking i know but IRL there are very few people who are and always have been progressive and perfect#there are ppl within progressive mvmts that have unaddressed harmful beliefs outside of their Chosen Issue#there are people who wouldnt ID as progressive at all but are still good ppl who act well towards others#like if youve actually interacted with ppl IRL you understand that if you reject everyone who isnt Perfectly Progressive#youll have few if any allies and possibly alienate ppl who would help/ARE HELPING#like idk do you know how many ppl i personally know who i think have some bigoted/problematic beliefs#but im still friends or collaborators w them bc i understand that theyre still good ppl learning and growing#like. learn to understand that 'goodness' doesnt always look like a walking leftist textbook please i'm begging#and in fact sometimes stories. esp adult and mature ones. will present you w problematic ppl#and you have to like. grapple with their flaws and explore the tension between intention and consequences#a bit of a philosophy tangent rather than anything TF related which is why i kept it to the tags
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llumimoon · 1 year
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Congrats on finally bonding with the eldritch god child you named and adopted !!
Dot is the Doodler from my AU! <3
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puppyeared · 1 month
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Atla live action 😐
#thats my honest reaction 😐#to be fair ive only seen 20 minutes of the s1 finale bc my parents are watching it but. mmmmm kinda mid#like. the casting is definitely an improvement since the last time they tried a live action but it feels like the writing falls flat#or maybe im being harsh bc ive only heard negative criticism on it beforehand. but fr anytime u bring up the original its already#good and not just because its the original. so much fucking detail went into it to the point of someone noticing azula wielding mai's knive#to how well thought out irohs character is used as a way of uniting the cast especially as zukos foil#i heard that sokkas sexism was toned down and i have to agree that feels like a cheap move. like i get WHY they think it would be better#but its not about how that reflects on real world its about how it affects the story. sokka starts out as a misogynistic asshole because#it makes it that much more impactful when he changes. toning that down makes it flatter and makes his character development weak#and someone pointed out they didnt even make him wear the kyoshi warrior uniform and i know it feels like such a small detail but#come on man. they did that in the original because not only does it help him really walk in their shoes - wearing 'feminine' clothing and#makeup and having suki explain its significance but it also ties in with the shows theme of harmony and intersectionality#i was also disappointed when they had the fire sages explain how the water tribe draws power from the moon because in the original it was#IROH who explained it to aang and everyone else BECAUSE we as the audience is under the impression hes with the 'bad guys'#and it builds up to how he learned from the other nations which reconciles his past as a war general and his character overall#AND its an excellent starting point for the cast and audience to understand how the nations arent as closed off as you would think#plus you would think its only fire nation doing propaganda but they expanded on that with earth kingdom censorship and it WORKS#a lot of things in the live action also feel arbitrary like. they gave momo a near death experience for 5 minutes for no reason#im firmly on the stance of bringing back filler moments instead of putting major events right after each other so that u give your#audience a sense of time passing and to really absorb the story. but i think thats more like shock value than filler and yeah its a small#thing to gripe about but those things build up and its really annoying. the thing abt avatar filler moments is that however small#its at least meaningful. hell even the beach episode emphasizes how isolated zuko and his friends are as child soldiers#i also swore to never watch the first live action since it was that bad but i really liked the stylized tattoos they used for aang#anyway. those arejust my thoughts. im not gonna watch the rest because im a ride or die for the original aftr growing up and#rewatching it at least 20 times as a kid. but theres definitely room for improvement and i wish ppl wouldnt take it as 'better' just cuz#netflix is adapting it. i wouldve killed for them to just reanimate the entire avatar series and touch NOTHING ELSE no redub#no changes to the story. just reanimate the thing and leave the rest alone and youd make easy money just the same#ALSO its very jarring not hearing jack desena and dante basco voicing sokka and zuko cause their voices were the most recognizable to me#i get that its because its live action but im allowed to feel a little sad abt that. and uncle irohs accent was really soothing#yapping
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luckyjorabbit · 8 months
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Thank you sm for 1K here as well as on Shitter <3 <3 Here is a 4koma of a nightmare I had recently that has haunted me for days :^)
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stuckinapril · 2 months
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#I think people treat others on here who share any sort of news like they’re actual professional journalists and we’re not#I genuinely don’t think a single person on here is#We’ve just taken it upon ourselves to share the news bc the actual journalists are the ones who mince words and have ulterior motives etc#But usually if someone on here makes a mistake it’s an honest one & they will rectify it if you notify them#You do not have to attack them or say they’re misleading on purpose like I think most ppl on here#Don’t have that sort of agenda. At least the ones who’re fighting for legitimate causes like Palestinian and Sudanese genocide etc etc#I just hope no one on here gets attacked in light of the Samara situation#I just think we should be more open to making mistakes instead of jumping to bad faith interpretations#News have to be accurate but mistakes r also ok and usually a simple communication resolves it#Tumblr is the bad faith interpretation website so I’m not surprised but I also think we need to be more graceful#Bc how else can anyone improve / learn more etc etc#Whenever someone on here shares an opposing opinion it’s not that I dislike that or want to intentionally suppress it#It’s usually just framed in a very inflammatory way that doesn’t even give me the opportunity to give my side and might motivate other ppl#To think I’m basically like a normal journalist who intentionally misleads 💀💀 I am An Iraqi Girl Who Is Trying To Help#At least this has taught me how to gracefully own up to mistakes and take accountability etc that’s pretty cool#Bc even w all that said I think it’s important to hold urself accountable if u do make a mistake regardless of intention.#We just shouldn’t demonize making mistakes bc how can someone grow Ok I’m done
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fizzytoo · 10 months
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adrien and rua take amaya to meet rua's side of the family! rua's nephew, broderick, makes his introductions too!
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cheez-man · 3 months
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okay i watched the 60th anniversary specials with my best friend last weekend and idk if anyone has said this yet but i can't stop thinking about how thrilled donna must have been when rose came out to her .
she would have been so excited to take her daughter shopping for new clothes and getting to do just like more traditionally feminine stuff with her daughter more openly now . like to the point that it's annoying to rose but donna keeps insisting that they have to make up for lost time and keeps dragging her out to do more things .
i don't think rose would have been scared of her moms reaction . i can just imagine them sitting together at the kitchen table, rose still a little shaky from finally telling her mom who she was and donna full of teary-eyed pride . donna putting some tea on and both of them pouring over a list of names rose compiled when for some odd reason one jumped out at them both .
idk it just makes me really happy i think she'd be such a good mom to her it just won't leave my head
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cartoonchaos · 7 months
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“gee i wonder why there’s still so much more fanfiction about male characters” “we need more morally complex female characters” “i love relationships that are doomed by the narrative” “more stories need to treat mentally ill characters with compassion and respect” “all his problems could’ve been fixed if he only went to therapy” you fuckers can’t even handle the ending of fionna and cake
#i’m not one to go online and complain fruitlessly about how media literacy is in the toilet but jesus christ#it’s actually devastating seeing so many people actively reject a brilliant and emotionally challenging show#all because they refuse to examine anything about themselves#if you’re genuinely pissed petrigrof wasn’t endgame and the show couldn’t quote unquote let them be happy#if you’re seriously mad your favorite doomed yuri was in fact doomed by the narrative#if you can’t enjoy petrigrof anymore because you now know it’s quote unquote problematic or toxic and not a perfect tragedy#please i beg of you watch it again#this show beat you over the head with a children’s book and then you misunderstood it somehow and then whined about your headache#and if you for realsies believe this show is pushing an unhealthy message with how it handled simon’s depression#this show that showed him so much compassion and understanding and gave him closure and let him move on and grow and seek help#if you think betty was too harsh on him#the betty that sentenced the man who doomed her to life#to live a happy and healthy life#to seek help and grow and become an individual not defined by his grief#if you think that’s seriously equivalent to telling a depressed person to just cheer up#then you are legitimately anti-recovery#i really hope you guys learn how to engage healthily with complex media#one would’ve thought steven universe taught us all a lesson#but i guess a million casper and nova level stories won’t be enough for some of you#here’s hoping you don’t just kin simon but actually follow his example#get therapy#loony rambles#fionna and cake#simon petrikov#betty grof#petrigrof#adventure time
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jemmo · 1 year
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i love that the whole of that final ep is just all these characters setting themselves on the path of healing, that none of them are magically fixed, but instead are all committing to creating a world where not only they can heal, but where they can stop others from hurting. because it was never about a single person’s journey, it was about how a system managed to hurt and repress and ignore everyone in it, and how it’s only them wanting and fighting for better, for themselves and for the people they care about, that has the ability to destroy that system, and set in place a community that includes everyone. it’s only after the sun and moon have crossed each others passed, once the world has been shrouded in black, that clear blue skies can be seen again.
the eclipse, i love you.
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melveres · 5 months
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I’m so invested in wizard101 and its denizens that it has got me researching actual irl science and engineering so i could depict magic better
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thewhizzyhead · 7 months
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recently I've been seeing a shit ton of discourse about Princess Bubblegum on twt and how some people kinda view her as some sort of irredeemable bitch who does not deserve to be treated kindly by marceline or anyone and like,,,though couple of pb's actions are certainly morally questionable at best and outright unethical at worst,, people must know that adventure time has like 10 main seasons worth of pb character plot right? and like,,,doesn't the whole "we were messed-up kids who taught ourselves how to live" verse from the monster song like literally sum up why PB was the way she was until she decided to outgrow that-
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