#here. if any of you dean kinnies need a reason to cry

[sobsicles]

what if this whole thing was over tonight? man, id sleep for a month. go back to school. just be a person again. you wanna go back to school? yeah, once we're done hunting the thing. huh. why? is there something wrong with that? no. no, it's uh. great. good for you. i mean...what are you gonna go when it's all over? it's never gonna be over. there's gonna be others. there's always gon' be something to hunt. but there's gotta be something...that you want for yourself. yeah, i don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, sam! dude, what's your problem? why do you think i drag you everywhere, huh? i mean, why do you think i came and got you from stanford in the first place? because dad was in trouble. because you wanted to find the thing that killed mom. yes, that, but it's more than that, man. y-you and me and dad. man, i want us to—i want us to be together again. i want us to be a family again. dean, we are a family. id do anything for you, but things will never be the way they were before. could be. i don't want them to be.

#here. if any of you dean kinnies need a reason to cry #legitimately can't watch that scene without crying. like fully bawling my eyes out. #ive never seen a man more stuck in his situation. wanting to get out and knowing that he cant. that he cant live with himself if he tried. #'its never gonna be over. there's always others. there's always gon' be something to hunt.' #dean winchester the man with the biggest goddamn heart in the world. the biggest heart FOR the world. #he could want out until the cows came home. but he felt obligated to fight. to save people. to continue on with how they were raised. #no sam. he doesnt want things for himself because he was never fucking ALLOWED. and now he doesn't fucking know HOW. #the only goddamn thing he was ever allowed to want and told to want was his family and his little brother safe. thats it. #and he genuinely wanted those things too. bc thats all he knew. bc thats what made him happy. #and neither his dad nor his brother wanted the same. #no fucking wonder he has abandonment issues. #every goddamn thing he's ever wanted has wanted to leave him. #he just didnt want to be alone. he just wanted his family. he just wanted to be wanted the same way he wanted them. #he wanted to be enough. and they repeatedly showed him that he wasnt. #early season dean genuinely breaks my fucking heart. he just. he seriously crushes my whole goddamn soul. #idc idc do not come for me about how problematic he could be and how j*hn had shit to do and how sam just wanted to live his life #literally do not give a fuck. j*hn was a piece of shit father and thats NOT up for debate. it's just not #sam didnt have to give up his brother to have a life. like im sorry but he didnt. #and 'id do anything for you BUT' like. sam #sam sweetie. thats not. thats not how that works. you dont KNOW. #dean would LITERALLY do anything for sam. esp in early seasons era. lile sam doesnt know that he's dean's kid. #he doesnt fucking know. jesus. im about to go feral. genuinely losing my shit over this dialogue and this scene and dean's FACE #i cant believe im saying this but... #jensen understand the assignment. like. he knew from the get go. he Got dean. #idk i just cant articulate how upsetting this is. how heartbreaking. #dean just wanted people to stay. or to even want to. and no one did. #cant do this today. head in my hands. i am dean-coded and know his faults etc. yet i would die for dean winchester. but he wouldn't LET ME #dean bean #s1 dean makes me ache yall #spn 1x16