#herpes me im a mess

[yungviry]

a fucking mess

man guys it happened, i ran into my ex! and boy was it terrible. let me set the scene: im at the gas station and simultaneously pumping gas and recording a snapchat video like we do. and as im done pumping the gas and getting back into the car and watching back my video, he pops into my car window. completely caught me off guard. i cant remember all the shit he said but he did say stop "talking shit about me online". which i found to be annoying but whatever. i pulled away as fast as i could and parked down the street. i tried my best to not give a reaction or say a word and i didnt. i pulled over and cried for a bit like a fucking pussy, cause i couldnt handle it. my ass was so stressed. i dot know about yall but i dont ever expect to see an ex after a breakup unless its intentional. and the fact that he was just at my neighborhood arco was just a nightmare. officially never going there again.

im telling yall a breakup is different for everyone. we cope differently and its all good. a bitch will be revealing but just know that my book will but much better. and the focus isnt necessary my ex's but more so my life after blossoming into a woman if you will. a bitch hit a hundred bodies i feel like i got a story to tell. and 100 isnt a lot but in 3 years i give myself a pat on the back. theres just a lot of tales and unfortunate situations i got myself into.

malik is an ass. was an ass. i dont care for the terminology hes a menace and no im not gunna shut up about him to an extent. sometimes i remember that he used to hit me, sometimes i remember he used to be rude as fuck, i remember when he told me he had herpes and religiously blamed it on his last girlfriend. he was a big piece of shit and i just feel if someone wants to get involved with him they should know the indiscretion he omits.

Malik Salam shit list (from oakland in case you women are unaware)

-cheater (multiple times, im aware im the dumbass that took him back like 4 times for the same shit but imma still add it to my list cause a bitch was gaslight like a motherfucker till i saw shit for myself)((this is as in messaging/hooking up with master rochi/the white bitch im blanking on her name right now)

-has fucking herpes and reused to let anyone of his previous sexual partners know

-constantly asked to borrow money with and told me hed pay me back, blackmailed me by saying he woulnt pay me back if we broke up, and for the whole 3 years almost never paid back any of the money

im sorry the money always be pissing me off. like yall don understand when i get to the malik chapter of my book im gunna go off. he whole ass knew since december 2021 that his friend was getting married in vegas in october 2022. told me up and down i wasnt going. literally could have convos about how i was axed from those plans. and because hes cheap (or broke i didnt looked at his accounts) a month before he tells me i can suddenly go. "book the room and well split it" never got his half. paid for gas the whole way there. paid for the majority of meals. but dont worry he shared his weed.

actually at some point in the planning he uninvited me from the wedding and said "i could still come to vegas just not the wedding" so my ass didnt even have a fit for the wedding, we went shopping out there. just thinking about this shit is annoying. supposedly your best friend is getting married but you didnt put any money away for the whole event. spent the 4 days there watching squid games in his car, he did bring weed so we shared our weed too, and didnt really do shit. went to the hoover dam and the grand canyon, but not really the grand canyon cause e got there when it was dark and didnt see shit. but overall i spent a band on the trip and never got half of that.

gosh i hate shitting on someone cause obviously you loved them and thought well of them at some point so just know im ranting. this really is my space so my ass sometimes just wants to shit on the bitch i tried to really see the good in. like the basic consensus is i feel stupid as fuck and im not gunna go tell my homies exactly how big a shit head he was. i didnt while we were together and i aint finna start. so imma just write it out and shit on his ass on my tumblr like any healthy and coping young lady.

and his hair looks stupid so very much happy.

its crazy cause ive been thinking abut derrick lately (my og ex boyfriend) and then byrd hits me up to hang out (my og fuck buddy). the byrd thing isnt soo soo weid just cause i did hit him up like a week ago to say happy birthday. but his ass doesnt munch box so theres no point in hooking up.

however derrick...

man i aint seen him in like a over a year, his birthdays at the end of the month and i have a bit of a birthday message already in the works. hes gunna be 30 at the end of the month and it makes me remember our pact, said wed marry each other if we were still single. but last time i seen him i said "can we change our pact age to 40" 30 still young i still have time and plenty of fish still swimming around.

see that man is a muncher, not the best, but hes alright for the occasion. but its not the munching im there for its the wiener. see his wiener could have a whole chapter in my book too. i was obsessed with it and him. he just fucks hella good, im sorry im repetitive but damn that man works his wiener like a king. if i could have one last fuck it be him forsure. sometimes i can still feel it if i concentrate, and 100% will get goose bumps. sometimes i feel like hitting him up but he still has the same girlfriend, and last time we hooked up im sure it was some type of sneak off on his part, but thats exactly why im unlucky with love. i be fucking with this man and i dont know if hes single single. and he wasnt a good partner either, he cheated too and lied about that shit, except i actually left after the first time.

idk didnt mean to go off topic, sometimes i start spewing and shit gets all mixed together. lowkey i have had derrick on the brain so to see malik was just hella wild. im pretty sure he called me but last time i checked we didnt have shit to say to each other. i spent 3 years giving that amn all the opportunity to tell me wassup to spill his guts and truly im over it and if hes tickled that im "exposing" him for being a shitty boyfriend when in reality im just fucking telling my truth is obnoxious. he hit me he cheated on me he lied about all the shit he was doing and continued to even when confronted. like my ass is just hurt and im gunna let it out

#rant #rant post #personal rant

[frappe-art]

dadtoki doddles born spontaneously while i rewatch the anime

#herpes me im a mess #I love them too much #gintama #dadtoki #sakata gintoki #kagura #shimura shinpachi #my art

[steelydyke]

ive never been to a vet before im so nervous

#i have to call tmrw i dont even know what to say im just a mess rn #logical part of me knows its just stuck shed #the other one feels like a failure for not being able to take care of it at home #at the end of the day i know im doing whats best for gyro and letting professionals handle it instead of putting him under more stress #idk man #herp keepers of my dash what are ur experiences at the vet like

[hufflautia]

Are you in love with me?

This can’t be happening, Slytherin thinks as he approaches her slowly. I shouldn’t have run out of the room. He can talk to other girls if he wants to, it doesn’t matter to me. 

Her anger dissolves into something else. It is another feeling—one that she’s afraid to address. 

A thought breaks free from the confines of her stubborn heart. 

But it does.  

Hufflepuff lifts his hand to caress her cheek, effectively making her mind go blank. 

“Are you in love with me,” he asks softly.  

Slytherin swallows with difficulty, her heart pounding. He’s so close she can make out the tiny speckles in his earthy brown irises. “No.” 

There’s a moment in which they stand there in silence, and the universe holds its breath. It exhales when Hufflepuff leans in and kisses her so sweetly that she is left dazed after they pull apart. She doesn’t remember tangling her fingers into his hair nor can she recall the moment he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her impossibly closer as their lips moved in unison. 

His gaze lingers on her parted lips. 

“Are you in love with me now?”  

Slytherin lets out a small laugh, and he revels in the warmth of her breath brushing against his skin.  

“Not yet,” she murmurs, her cheeks kissed with a tint of rosy pink. “Ask me again tomorrow.”   

A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “I’ll put it at the top of my to-do list.” 

She hums happily. “And you?” she muses. “Are you in love with me?”  

“I’ll have to think about it.” He gives her a grin, one so warm and utterly Hufflepuff-like that she feels as though she will melt in his arms. “I suppose you’ll have to ask me again tomorrow. Until then, I’m gonna kiss you.”

Hufflepuff smirks when she raises her eyebrows, slightly taken aback by his bluntness. 

“You know,” he tilts her chin up, “for decision-making purposes.” 

Her heartbeat quickens. 

Fin. 

~

MASTERLIST (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง << Sometimes you can’t see the embedded link because tumblr is built different. If it doesn’t work, go to my main page; the masterlist is pinned.

This ficlet is inspired by Chapter Three of Happy Birthday by Ohhhmyloki. 

Author’s note: This may be the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever written. Hope you enjoyed! Comments and reblogs are appreciated. 

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#Hogwarts #harry potter #slytherpuff #hufferin #hufflepuff x slytherin #hufflepuff and slytherin relationship #hufflepuff #slytherin #hogwarts imagine #hogwarts houses #hogwarts would include #harry potter would include #slytherin x hufflepuff #ravenclaw #gryffindor #hufflepuff-x-slytherin #slytherin-x-hufflepuff #slytherin and hufflepuff #hufflepuff and slytherin #slytherin friendship #cedric diggory #hufflepuff pride #hogwarts fanfiction #harry potter oneshot #slytherpuff au #slytherpuff oneshot #slytherin and hufflepuff relationship #hufflepuff and slytherin fanfiction #slytherpuff friendship #slytherin and hufflepuff friendship

[okay-barbara]

yekatrina petrovna 🇷🇺🎎💃 zamolodchikova 🤸🏻‍♂️🦵🎖️💪 but your dad 👨‍👨‍👦🧎‍♂️🧑🏻👴 just calls me 📞☎️🤙 katya ❌💃🥵‼️ im the bright ☀️🔆💡🕯️ red scare ⛑️♨️❌🌶️👹 with the long 🛹🛣️👐⚡blonde hair 👱‍♀️🦲💇🏼‍♀️💈👱always keeping ⏳⌛🕜 coming back ↩️🔙🔚👉 for more 🌝🎉🗣️👀👁️ you're a basic 👩👧🏃‍♀️👶 ass ho 🐕‍🦺🍑🦪and its your time ⏰⌚🕡🕒🕣 to go so bitch🐕‍🦺🐩🐾🐶🦴 let me show 👀👁️👓🕵️ you the door 🚪🙅🙅‍♀️ cuz it's me 🎖️⭐👱‍♀️👱who's getting paid 💲💷💵🏦🏧💰 and im always 🕣⌚⌚getting laid 🛌💃🕺 the only ☝️1️⃣✨ high-class 💹↕️↖️↗️ russian 🇷🇺🥵‼️ whore 🐩💃👙🍑💦 im a scorching hot ♨️🔥🌡️🌶️mess ����🗑️🚮 in this skintight dress 👘🥻👗💃 that's a rash 🥺🥵🚑 not a herpes sore 🤬😠🗯️💢 lenin 🦸‍♂️👨‍🎓👨🇷🇺 in the streets🛣️🚦🛑 dostoyevsky 🏃👨‍⚖️👨‍🏫🕵️ in the sheets 🛌🛏️🧻😔🤘🏽baby 🤱🍼👼👶 are you ready ⛳🌟 for this cold 🥶🧊❄️☃️ war 🔫🟥⛑️❌ katya 🇷🇺🥵🤬 zamo 🏋️🤸‍♀️🤸 lod 🔥🌶️‼️🌡️ chi 👶👧🏼🚼 ko 🗯️🗑️💃 va 🗣️🎤🎙️👩‍🎤👨‍🎤

#wow do i have a lot of time #i really do #katya zamo #katya zamolodchikova

[hatsukeii]

Hi I’d like a matchup please? I’m 5’4 and I have short brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m an ambivert, Im independent and driven but I can have a bad temper. Im really energetic and hate staying still. I can be really flirty but also oblivious to other ppl flirting. Im witty and optimistic. I adore doing anything creative, especially drawing and I also love animals and nature.I can sometimes come off as a bit too honest and mean but I’m really protective and caring on the inside and I love cuddles.

Ahh yes I have finally finished procrastinating, good to be back

Your matchup is:

🐮Ushijima “You should’ve come to Shiratorizawa you stupid bench” Wakatoshi🐮

Soft boy Ushiwaka is a whole ass RELIGION.

Honestly, you can flirt with him as much as you want, and he’ll never take a hint. Mans is so dense that when you confessed with “I like you a lot,” he had the audacity to reply “You’re my best friend too, although I do hope that you won’t unfriend me after this because I want to be more than that.” Seriously he needs help. You’ve tried hitting on him in the past. Cheesy pickup lines, occasional hugs, petting his hair, you even wrote him a note asking whether he wanted to go to a festival together, to which he responded “You can come with the volleyball team, we’re all going together.” All jokes aside though, you can’t talk because he did try hitting on you too. He tried so hard to grab your attention during practice when you walked in once. He even did that thing where he lifted his shirt to wipe his face, and you still somehow didn’t notice. The entire volleyball team was cackling at your reaction to it. “Wakatoshi, do you need a towel? I have an extra in my bag.” It wasn’t until you confessed did he finally stop being so awkwardly dense, sometimes offering to grab your hand in the hallways while being a very blushy boi.

He loves it soo much when you randomly whip out a sketchbook or your phone on outdoor dates and start drawing or taking photos for reference. He thinks it’s so cute oh dear lord- He gets you loads of art supplies whenever you run out of them, and sends you random photos he takes when he’s alone so you have more references to use for drawing. (P.S. He’s really, really good at taking sunset and nature pics.) Occasionally, he’ll ask you to teach him how to draw. (Spoiler alert: He’s not that great at it, but it doesn’t matter.) Ushijima is honestly adorable when he tries to sketch though. His nose gets all scrunched up and his eyebrows are constantly furrowed. He kind of just pinches the pen because of how big his hand is, and you can see he’s trying so hard not to mess up what you showed him. Overall: 11/10 for effort.

Okay he’s so clueless to your wittiness it’s funny. He doesn’t realise until his teammates give him a detailed explanation on what you meant. Even after that it takes him a few minutes to let all the information sink in. He’ll just randomly flinch and go “OH SO THAT’S WHAT YOU MEANT!” Whenever he understands something you might’ve said hours ago. It’s honestly hilarious to see that happen because Ushijima gets very bubbly and excited about understanding your sarcasm and way with words, and will continue to be in a good mood for the rest of the day.

This man LOVES cuddling with you. He’ll make some ridiculous excuses just to cuddle. Whether it be “I’m hungry, cuddles?” Or “We just won the match, cuddles?” It’s honestly adorable how big of a baby he is. You’d think he’s intimidating judging from his looks and his build. The definition of gentle giant. Usually wants to be the big spoon, loves to secretly smell your hair for some reason, and loves to see you giggle when his hair tickles your neck a bit. He doesn’t mind being cuddled at all though. If you play with his hair he will d i e of wholesomeness, just saying. This man is just soft, please protect him at all costs thank you.

Catchphrases:

“Why does mine look like a deformed baby, while yours looks like an actual dog?”

“AHH THAT’S SO FUNNY!” “Wakatoshi I said that hours ago what-“

“Can I cuddle?” “Huh? What happened?” “I ran out of instant noodles and Shōnen Jump magazines.”

“Sis dressed like she out to get herpes with that little clothing on her.” “Wakatoshi did you just manage to diss someone?”

Other possible matches:

Hinata “I’m never setting foot into another bathroom ever again” Shouyou

Tsukishima “Like Jurassic Park or die” Kei

Kageyama “BOKE HINATA BOKE” Tobio

Goshiki “I will be the ace someday” Tsutomu

I hope you liked your matchup<33

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu matchups #haikyuu headcanons #hq #hq x reader #hq headcanons #hq scenarios #hq matchups #haikyuu ushijima #hq ushiwaka #matchup #ushijima wakatoshi #imagine #anime #ushijima x reader #shiratorizawa

[eskamtrash]

after season 1 skam españa was honestly my least fav remake out of the valid remakes (wtfock, france and italia don’t exist for me soz). i honestly thought the acting was soooou bad and everything was just so cringe like the dialogue dear lord also the editing ugh i couldn’t stand it. but honestly now it’s my fav idk how they improved so much for s2 and s3

Im my case, the first part of s1 i only kept watching because I didn't know where they were going with all the Lara stuff, meeting Nora later, etc, so i was curious, but not engaged because well, the acting was not the best and second hand embarrassment really gets to me

Then, Lucas happened

To these day i still dont think a clip has surprised me as much as Lucas coming out to Eva. It was INCREDIBLE, and people often forget about it because not a lot of people have watched s1 lmao, but for me that was the thing that made me really stand for the show

then it was a mess with the insta hate, the herpes storyline, then they kept talking about Amiras religion like nobody else was doing, which for me showed how much they really cared about the show

now i look back to it fondly, but objectively yeah, it wasn't the best s1

#ask #skam españa

[shytiff]

Nov 2021

1 - PIS-PK with teh nabila @ kebon dalem. finished at 11. saw an SJS case that was initially told to be herpes. changed my bike brakes and oil (130k). Prof whatsapped me that a PPT that will be presented at 14 Nov was supposed to be submitted the day after tomorrow, also with abstract lol. felt anxious but chill at the same time (?). i also get to be alone at mess for a bit. it was raining. worked on Prof’s PPT. an unknown number called and it turned out to be hansel. of course people calls when sumn to do.  Bought double shot kopi soe low fat bcs i was afraid of falling asleep. it was rly acidic for me, and within a few gulps my stomach started reacting. slept at 12-1ish. 

2 - MTBS. bought kanayam for lunch, dinner (and spoiler alert 2mrw’s bfast). video called with kris in pkm. he called me again just as im about to rly finish this ppt. thank god i finished it. still had some energy to do abstract but i cant bring myself to do it. so i just slept. 

3 - did abstract in the morning. it took ~30 mins lol. but maybe i cant think as clearly the night before. BP. solid’s bukang arrived for some of us. i still have to do the revision for that pancreatic Ca ppt. i ended up reading some fanfic, yubisaki to renren and fell asleep. woke up at like 11:30 pm ish, with my stomach bloated til the point of pain. made myself some warm matcha latte. tri was also awake and she bought nasgor at like 1 am. did that revision but cant bring myself to finish it even thought i still have energy. i laid down and read killugon fic.

4 - fell asleep. had a bit of sleep paralysis in my hand. cooked spinach and egg in the morning. KIA today with bu mutiah. thank god its chill bcs i get to quickly finish that revision bcs Prof chatted me AGAIN omg i feel bad. with his emails this will be the 3rd time he reminded me. thankfully he’s super kind and patient, and i have to be grateful for meeting kind people in life. bought nasi kebuli with rabeg sapi for lunch, with chicken and telur balado for later. Tried croffle from Rumah Kalingga and i also bought frozen risol. the risol was quite fulfilling. the croffle did not have that croissant feature lol. 

5 - my dumb ass sent the wrong PPT to Prof, so i fixed it and sent what hopefully is the last one. Posyandu kb. dalem with bu vivi and bu ade. got free food for bfast and lunch hehe. stayed in mess. check in pwkt. Zoom with dr eva and kak rayhan. i need to pull myself togetherrr. bought 2 500ml coffee and bread from roti o for 39k lol. but i did not drink the coffee that day. i shouldve lol. i just slept

6 - mtbs today alone. ppl offered for me to move to BP but i love being alone and not having to interact lolll. tried to follow along to APICD webinar. attended bu ningrum daughter’s wedding with iship peeps in madison avenue, citangkil. drank rotio coffee to curb the sleepiness and managed to finish the word narration for Prof’s PPT in one sitting. fried the risol and frozen karage for dinner. suddenly had the urge to study lol webinars make me wanna study

7 - jogged a bit. saw stuff in CFD. originally wanted roti canai but it was full of queue so i only got kerupuk kulit. smelled the frozen chicken breast i bought ((i dont even remember WHEN)) and it smelled awfully sour and funky. so there goes my 20k. lesson learned: i dont even have the commitment to cook the food staples i bought myself,,,. APICD webinar. searched for kak tika’s package. ill try again 2mrw. bought wingstop. laid down while listening to webinar and i fell asleep in the important part of ECG :””” but managed to listen to the 2/3 rest of the total workshop. some caffeine sip to hopefullly give me courage. searched videos to put in Prof’s PPT. 

8  - searched the package from kak tika in KS. thankfully its there. kak tika gave me Al-Quran and chocolates. lots of chocolates. i hope i can read more quran. leftover wingstop for bfast at pkm. posyandu kotabumi (rly close to mess!) w teh yuyun. she offered a ngamen opportunity in klinik tri husada. afternoon nap. a looot of denial until i finally opened dr eva’s work again, trying to move things along. it takes a lot of thinking and staring into nothing. but i guess there’s some mental progress (?). accompanied by rotio hazelnut coffee. still cant help myself so i played cafe white noise by 4AM Around the World. it has that sbux vibe minus the coffee smell. got boxed rice from fitri yay. always grateful for free foods. kind ppl inspire me to become a better person

9 - poli MTBS accompanied by red candy. dr eva said i can go to the next chap and suddenly i feel reinvigorated lol. sent her the revision i did for the last paragraph. my head hurts and its probable asking for some cofveve lol. didnt do anything useful even though i shouldve

10 - posyandu tegal bunder with bu elisna. saw two underweight twin neonates. nasi kotak for lunch yay. dinner was sponsored by renata uyey. another coffee withdrawal headache. fell asleep while reading ff

11 - bfast is sponsored by bang esa’s wife. BP umum with bu ade. had nasi padang for lunch. talked about BL w nessa while we’re the only one upstairs lol. did some exercise together with ren ness. drank the last of my roti O coffee and shit you not, the headache vanished. did Prof’s PPT and sent one. 

12 - KIA with bu mutiah and bu imas. ate at RM bu mamak with bu ade, teh ayi, mendel. we all wore black top and jeans for hari kesehatan nasional, so we did some ‘photoshoot’ and tiktok creating at puskesmas lol. bought ayam bakar together with renata. 

13 - MTBS w mendel. met kak tania 2013 and her child who came for mantoux. turns out she lives in BMW. Prof called out of the blue and turns out there will be plenty of stuff that i have to make. juggled that call with meeting dr anita for my “ngamen” at klinik tri husada. ended the call with Prof in front of dr anita. Some introduction on the clinic. did not make it back to mess bcs its already 12 ish. hurriedly packed and showered to leave to jkt. waited for arimbi but a primajasa kb jeruk showed up so i tried that. attempted zoom with dr eva (in the bus) that ended due to terrible signal. it was raining in kb jeruk. ate seirockya extreme in puri. its goddamn delicious due to the cold hunger and fatigue. picked up a pepperoni pizza from pizza e birra. it rains when going to devi’s. met up with thal dajen lau racheel dev. played some games (splendor, sushi go, exploding kitten). ate martabak orins omg i miss it. slept over at devi’s place. 

14 - off to AR at 9-ish. when i arrived, grandma was sleeping, bou lia was showering, and the others are in living world lmao. showered and basked the silence. ate mom’s spaghetti. mom just laughed when she saw my hair. ‘listened’ to APICD while playing twitter. bou lia bought me matcha xiboba! assessed om amin bcs he’s having tremor. just lazed in the house, basically. lost my mood of going to bdg bcs mom said we will just go ‘pulang hari’. 

15 - off from home 5:33 and arrived at 7. mom made lots of frozen food that are ready to heat. posyandu with bu vivi in kebon dalem. there’s also reps from krakatau medika. lotss of laundry to do. so much that the machine can barely spin. read kaiju no 8. matcha latte. 

16 - posbindu w nessa bu elis teh dina. Te tekwan and bacang made by bu kader. Had a good nap in pwkt. Got fissure in my inner mouth and it hurts huft. Tried to finish PPTs with near dates so i can moveon to the next work. Slept at 12ish.

17 - BP with bu ade. Sent the PPT to Prof. Can finally relax for a bit. Exercised to pamela reif's vids. Ordered wingstop. Read some fanfic and fell asleep aaaa syit did nothing today. I shouldve started literature searching

18 - PIS-PK in tegal bunder with teh nabs (who didnt bring her motorbike so its a good thing i did). back to mess and had some nap and lunch. shareloc at purwakarta. tried kopsus from kopi baja. taste kinda weird but the music playing is bomb (kurosuke, sore, sal, and some other chill vibes that just make me more sleepy). tried to search some stuff for the proposal. off to klinik tri husada. teteh2 bidan were very kind and welcoming. nisa chatted me and she said it was ok for me to come with them in bdg so yay. immediately bought travel ticket. was given nasgor, martabak and rujak jeruk bali. 

19 - originally posyandu with teh Vivi, but it was cancelled so we went for home visit. It finished quickly yay. went to mess. relaxed, ate and packed. took maxim back to pwkt. nebeng zihan to go to damkar. took primajasa to jkt and read assorted wilderness along the way. waited for mom in puri and i bought jiwa toast (26k with gofood pickup) while waiting. arrived maghrib at home. zoom meeting w dr eva and kak rayhan. finished the assorted wilderness manhwa lol. fell asleep without even showering and still in my scrubs lmao

20 - showered. packed for bandung. left at 8 and arrived at almost 12. tried to finish up Prof’s PPT on the way. lunch at ibis trans studio. lamaran bang ido with teh ghina in buah batu. ate again there. rested in the hotel for a bit. ate at sangkan hurip 2, the same place as tafakur alam trip. it was as if there’s AC. back in the hotel at 10-ish pm and i got a room for myself. i laid there, sheet mask on. trying to relax and be grateful for the blessings in life. its really cold and cozy. 

21 - breakfast in the hotel. packed my stuff. lunch at kampung daun. checked in at papandayan hotel, 2 km away from ibis. the family swam except for kak owi, bang ido, nisa and me. i relaxed in the reclining chair, taking in the pretty sky and chilly wind. the girls and i went to braga (tried sweet cantina ice cream), cici claypot and primarasa. bang ido was calling us asking if we need to be picked up lol. 

22 - woke up at 5. prepared to leave. said goodbye. bang ido drove me to buah batu pool and waited until i can enter the Hiace. and then i left at 7. i was weeping on the way back thinking of kind people and great time and thought and contemplated that i wrote sumn on my tumblr. read love for sale on the way. arrived in mess at 12. it was raining a bit. tidied up my stuff. laid down and read Payback lol. napped. woke. ate. slept again. I should’ve did something productive aaaaaaaa its a constant struggle of mine.

23 - BIAS at sd purwakarta with bu sektah. injected 20 kids. finished at 10. cooked veggies and made matcha latte in mess. went back to pwkt. gave kue balok box to bu aroh. mendel and i made the poster for evapro cibeber. tried to get some progress on Prof’s S1 lecture

24 - BP umum with bang esa. bujing lia gojeked me janjiw matcha and toast. watched color me true. in denial to start dr Eva’s chapterbook. 

25 - MTBS today. watched Color Me True. Rested a bit. off to klinik tri husada. there was a patient with hyperglycemic crisis. did some work on dr eva’s book so there’s that. not gonna change the draft for now.

26 - BP umum w nessa. did laundry. ate superbubur alone in MTBS. zoom meeting with Prof and HCRC. evening stroll with renata in the hidden part of palm hills. supposed to do PPT but i ended up sleeping

27 - my throat hurts when swallowing huft. BP umum w nessa again. watched The Witch. basically just laid down and slept. ate indomie. still havent started Prof’s PPT

28 - cannot bring myself to do my sunday run. finally pulled myself together and showered. basically started the day at noon lol. off to jannor. it was raining there. pulled some decent progress. went back when the rain stopped but it turns out it rains in simpang. continued the ppt. ok a liiittle bit more to go. 

29 - KIA w bu sekta (who i wrongly thought was bu mutiah). asked for MP at pharmacy. got to finish the rest of the (eng) ppt. sent it to Prof. kanayam for lunch. napped again in mess. started translating the ppt to indo. it was a lot huft. finished it at 10-ish. continued the second half of The Witch. 

30 - MTBS w bang esa. home visit with teh erlina to the twin babies i checked at posyandu a while back. one of the baby passed away last night. tried driving manual again with bang esa’s car. he was a patient instructor lol. duplicated the mess key. seblak for dinner to scratch my throat. i should’ve done something useful today but its a chatty night and suddenly its 8 pm lol. have to sleep a bit early.

[starlitdaniel]

hey girl my namees alaska i got a tiny little questin to ask ya 

whoes that bitch thats on the top oh way thats ,e

hey pork chop ;;)))))

were born naked the rest is drag

but your face just needs a paper bag

give me a cha;;enge and ill chrsuh them all changing the game like my names ru paullll ine em up  

front to bacl 

im sendin bitches home like a heart attack

mess with me and youll wind up i n a casket im dorthy youre toto GET IN THE BASKET!!! ill 

put you down beneath the ground can you hold my purse while i natch the crown 

LE GA CY RE MEMB E R MY NAME

cuz youre gonna see me hangin in the hall of faaAAAAAASJNSKAFNSKFNAMEMMMEMEMEMMEMMMMMMMMM

im the one oooooone 

detox comin at you with a slow verse

imma pick it up i gotta slow it down first

killin bitches so fast i need a pink hearse, fdjnfa dfd i aint the best but i aint the worst

you see my tryingf djf im trying to take this prime time so epic that its poetuc i spit it owan a dime 

you dont dsngs me? i dont blame you if rus number 1

im number 2

you dissagree?

well thats on you!

eyes on the chalk board ill spell it out for you 

d tuthe

e tuthe 

t tuthe

o tuthe 

hold up

X

niamo cambling these hoes to the ground NEXt

rote you read you wrote you now i read ya youve been readddddd

katarina

petrovne

zamolichikova

but your dad

just calls me

katayyyyyyayyyayyaaaaaa

im the hdjskfn with the long blond hair always keep you coming back for more

youre a basic ass hoe and its your time to go so bitch let me show you

the door

dgdsgksdfgjndgkjnetqrjtnerwtjr

herpes sore 

zaetski in the steets tdjfkssfski in the sheets baby are you ready for this cold war???

katya 

zamo

lot

chi

co 

va! 

wrote you read you wrote you now i read ya youve bee read

IM ROXXY ANDREWS AND IM HERE TO MAKE IT CLEAR I KNOW YOU LOVE ME BABY THATS WHY YOU BROUGHT ME HERE WAS A BITCH ON SEASON 5 IM HERE TO MAKE IT RIGHT GIVE ME A SEWING CHALLENGE AND ILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU LIKE. GHFJKGNSG JUST LIKE OH HALLOWEEN A ROOM FULL OF MONSTERS AND IT MAKES ME WANNA SCREAM IM GONNA MAKE THIS RIGHT SO YOU DONT WASTE YOUR TIME NOT LIKE MY COMEDY IM KILLING ON THIS RYHME

IMMMMMM GONNA SHO

YA 

WHAT I CAN DO

ITTTTSSSS NOT MY FAULT

YOU CANT

SEE IT TOO

ALLL 

THESE OTHER

HOES BUT

THEYRE ‘A

LLL THE SAME

wrtoe you wrote you read you now i wrote you 

youve been read 

hahaaaaaaa oh muyyyy god!!! (ru)

#remember me bitches well i lost my fuckn mind #hi kuki

[she-rules-her-own-world]

Dear Mr Rawr Rawr

Are you proud of us? Do we still make you smile when we do something great? 

Out of the four of us... only two of us talk on a regular basis. I liked keeping up with the rest of them but i guess they didnt do the same with me. 

H has a almost 2 year old? Thankfully she left her baby daddy. She deserved somebody so much better than him. But we dont talk with her anymore. I know you didnt like her that much but i am sure that you still watch over her. 

A is pregnant. But i am sure you have been watching over her too. She is still one of my close friends but i know she can lead a better life. Im scared that all she is going to be is the country boys perfect wife. Barefoot and in the kitchen pregnant... i dont want that life for her. But she doesnt have a GED and that worries me. I want her to get it. I do but i dont have the authority to push her to do anything anymore.

Your actual daughter.. shes a trip. She has been since you have been gone... cant believe its been 6 years already. We all miss you like crazy.. Im probably always going to write these letters because i loved talking to you. I’m sorry i blocked your daughter on facebook and instagram. I couldnt handle it. I tried reaching out to her after her fight with A but i guess that she just doesnt want to deal with me. I dont understand how she works... Constantly cheating on her boyfriend... i dont know. Its funny to think that the three of us were thinking about getting tattoos together this time a year ago. Funny how life throws curveballs at you.

Maybe one day we will all be talking again... I dont think it is going to happen for a while since they kicked A out for not finding a job.. and since her, A and TJ and some other kid got herpes... and tj and her fell in love. Wow our friend group is a mess.. Can you believe that? lol probably considering we were a mess when it was originally just the 4 of us... wow 3 of us dated the same person...   

Then theres me. I dont know how much you keep tabs on my life.. Im not dating my highschool sweetheart anymore... we broke up my sophmore year in college... I had a fling with one of my guy friends... which is why i broke up with J. he ended that fling second semester. Then i started a best friend flirtatious ship with my other guy friend and that lasted a while and we were dating for a bit too but that ended because i said no too much and he needed sex.. Can you believe that? Im sure you know this and have known this since i was the 10 year old hanging out at your house.. Im asexual. Which means i dont have sexual feelings towards people... it doesnt mean that i dont have sex. Because i have... but some of my friends think that i have just had bad sex and thats why i dont like it...

I dont think that is the case at all.. Im just not a sexual being.. i never really have been. I dont like thinking about other people doing the dirty. I dont like putting that label even on myself. 

Did you ever see me as uptight? i hope not. because i dont think i was.. I was too self aware to be uptight. Your wife called me uptight and that she was happy that i was finally “letting loose” im not sure if that is really how i feel though... 

Last summer was a show.I was trying to find myself in places that i couldnt. I still had people surrounding me and pressuring me to do things. 

I hope this summer is different in the way that i can actually find myself.. that i actually figure it out. Figure out what i want to do with this stupid math degree that i am pursuing. With the science literacy minor. I hope that i can accomplish that this summer. I hope that you are still watching over us with all that love that you had. I wish that one day i will get to meet you again and you will say you are proud of all of us even though we did some pretty stupid shit.

we all miss you

love 

Nikki 

#mr. rawr rawr #rawr rawr #rar rar #miss you #one day #i hope to see you again #thank you #i like writing to you #even if you dont get them #i like letters #i can explain myself better in them

[younqgod]

ekaterina petrovna zamolodchikova but your dad just calls me katya im the bright red scare with the long blonde hair always keep you coming back for more you a basic ass hoe n it's ur time 2 go so bitch! lemme show u the door cause its me who's getting laid n im always getting paid the ONLY high class russian whore im a scorching hot mess in a skin tight dress thats a rash not a herpes sore lenin in the streets dostoyevsky in the sheets baby are u ready 4 this cold war? katya zamolodchikova

someone has read u wrote u stuck in her head lmao but this is the best ask i’ve ever received

#anyway i love katya too

[queerasarainbow]

yekatarina petrovna zamolodchikova but your dad just calls me KATYA im the bright red scare with the long blond hair always keep 'em coming back for moooore you a basic ass hoe, and it's your time to go, so, bitch, let me show you the doooor 'cause it's me who's getting laid, and i'm always getting paid, the only high class russian whoooore i'm a scorching hot mess in a skin-tight dress, that's a rash, not a herpes soooore lenin in the streets, dosteyevsky in the sheets, baby, are you ready for this cold waaaar katya zamo lod chi ko VA

#katya i love you #lmao #ignore me please

[marlaluster]

Some people that look like the figure Gisele Bündchen. ....

Catherine Zeta Jones, Bridgett Fonda, Gweneth Paltrow, this actress from a show I think called seventh heaven, a friend of my sister's named Tiffany Sanchez who married a Mexican. Tiffany has like freckles n etc. I think the devil really tries to make her look like her but i didn't pay attention to that when i was saying who the person looked like because I guess she's not famous. But she is a strong woman character. She can be rude, she's resourceful as a homemaker, etc. But she's independent seeming n doesn't really seem to wish to be w her spouse. But she doesn't wish to work. She was a dancer which seems mismatched to her seeming more of a dominating character n w her seeming white n having whiteness seem very expressed through her. But previously i was saying Gisele Bündchen didn't have a look that was so popular n so made up from others. I was saying here [her] character depends on her being a model n a Brazillian model. The devil messing up the words as im writing n making me cough. It's so horrible, the thing. "Oh god. I don't wish to do that then. Please don't do that," the devil said, last talking about that i was writing what it said. The devil attacking some as im writing here. It was pressing the itching it's doing is supposed to be something w herpes. It's so irritating, the thing. But links to images of Bridgett Fonda n Catherine Zeta Jones will be in the next clipboard emptying posts which I'll do after this post here.

[freerebelmentality]

Take me to church pt7

Catch up here >> Pt1 , Pt2 , Pt3 , Pt4 , Pt5 , Pt6

Word Count: 2,135

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Once you turned into the clubs parking lot, parked the car and turned off the engine. You got out to see the bikes perfectly lined up and knowing a few of them are inside having drinks like there is no tomorrow. You pull the door open, walk in but everyone is to busy to even notice you because they are being busy distracted by the many crow eaters.

You see one trying to get Chibs attention, that got you angry and you walked towards them. You grabbed the girl by the hair and threw her off of him.  When she hit the floor is when that caught every ones attention, Chibs turned around to see what the problem was until he saw you and his expression changes from angry to worry.

“Connie?” You ask as soon as she quickly gets back up

“Y/n what the fuck is your problem?” She asks holding the back of her head

“My problem is you trying to get with my old man” You tell her while everyone is the room is either confused or shocked to hear you say that

“I knew it” Juice says in a hushed tone in hopes you wouldnt hear because he didnt want to get an earful from you.

“Yours? Oh honey, I dont think he would be into you” She says a little to smugly

“Because Im not a whore like you” You retort while the room goes completely quiet

“Some things never change” You say while nodding to Chibs to leave, he leads the way out while you follow behind him.

“What the fuck did you just say?” She asks pulling you back to face her

“In high school you are the same person as you are now. Im surprised you have to come here and live out your dream come true” You tell her once more and try to walk out the door.

She grabbed you by the shoulders and slaps you across the face. You tackle her to the floor giving yourself the advantage to throw punches to her face. Connie grabs your hand and manages to throw you off of her, you go flying across the floor as she gets up quickly to grab the chair and about to throw it over across your back.

You kick her before she could do anything and she stumbles back to catch her breath. Juice and Bobby try to pull you two apart but the strength on both of you threw them to the side. Both of you stumble out the door continuing fighting while Chibs on the other hand yells at you to stop but you dont listen.

He thought you were right behind him and he got pretty turned on about how territorial you got over him. He couldnt believe you came down to the club house and wanted to see him.

Connie is the one who rose on her feet, she took her chance and kicked you to the side and continued.

“I have been here and you were gone y/n” She says as she continues to kick you

Making you roll away from her to catch your breath and try to regain some strength, Bobby tries to pull her away from you but she sucker punched him. Kicked Juice in the groin.

“I have been trying to be Chibs old lady and you come strolling in here like as if you own the guy” She says once more and just before she grabs you on your feet is when you grabbed her arm.

You pulled her to the ground and got on top of her. You punched her left and right until she wasnt moving anymore. Chibs saw the bloody mess and grabbed you off of her.

“Thats enough, thats enough. THATS ENOUGH!!!” He yells to get your attention.

You look to him finally and back at her. She lies there lifeless until Tig came running out.

“WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?” He yells trying to get some answers.

He finally sets his sights on you, he sees the blood from the side of your mouth and you holding your sides.

“You alright sweet heart?” He asks holding your face in both of his hands

“It is now” You simply answer and look to Connie

Tig goes to check if she is alive, which she is.

“You did this?” He asks looking to you.

You nod your head sitting on Chibs bike while you lean on him for support.

“Why? What did she do to you?” He asks in confusion

“Because she was all over Chibs and got me all territorial with him” You answer while everyone couldnt believe that was said out loud.

“You beat the shit out of a crow eater because she was throwing herself at him? Is there something we should know?” He asks not exactly sure if he understood you.

“Yes, Im in love with Chibs. Always have been. I love Chibs. Once I saw Connie all over him, I had to claim whats mine” You tell him as you spit out blood.

“What the fuck happened here?” Clay asks once he pulls into the parking lot and stops his bike

“Why are half my guys half beaten?” He asks looking around to Bobby and Juice

“Y/n came to the club house, saw a crow eater throw herself at Chibs, she got pissed and beat the shit out of her” Juice says while one hand is holding his groin

“Bobby and I tried stopping her but she sucker punched Bobby and kicked me in the balls. Y/n got the upper hand and” He continues while pointing to Connie’s lifeless form

“Where is my daughter?” He asks looking around until he saw Chibs and he moved slightly

“Jesus fucking Christ” He says while covering his mouth with one hand and comes to see how you are doing

“Baby girl, you alright?” He asks in a gentle tone

You nod still holding your side.

“Someone take her to the hospital” Clay says while pointing at Connie who slowly gets up

“You two. Chapel. Now!” He says pointing to you and Chibs

Chibs helps you to your feet and helps you into the club house. The others wait outside and didnt want to be Chibs right now.

“Y/n come sit at my left. Chibs on my right” He says and helps you to sit on the chair.

Chibs new that this had to happen at some point but he hoped that he wouldnt get transferred to another charter because he would hate to be away from you.

“Chibs how do you feel about my daughter?” He asks looking to him

“Im in love wit her, I have always been in love wit her and I love her” Chibs says in hopes he wouldnt do the unthinkable.

“You would protect her, treat her good and wouldnt put her in harms way?” He asks in a hushed tone.

“Aye, dont know what I would do if something were to happen” Chibs says while looking to you.

“Since I cant say or do anything to keep you apart and knowing my daughter she is just going to do as she pleases. You two have my blessing and dont worry, Im not going to transfer you to another charter. Y/n would definitely beat the crap out of me if I did” Clay finishes of the rest of his blessing and gets up to give Chibs a hug.

You were about to get up as well, dizziness took over your body and you fell to the floor. Clay and Chibs rushed to your side right away and called an ambulance. They came rushing inside right away and rushed you to the hospital. Clay called Jax and told him what happened. He woke up Tara, she got ready quickly and left for the hospital. He had to get someone to sit with Abel while he got ready. Thankfully he got a hold of Happy and he was good with watching the baby.

Tara got your blood work done and noticed something was different about the results of your blood. She waited until you woke up and check on you by touch, since an MRI, full scan and x-rays are out of the question. Shortly after you woke up with a bad head ache and a light sensitivity to light.

“Hey sleeping beauty, I almost went and got prince charming in here to wake you with a kiss” She says with a slight smile.

You look to her confused

“You collapsed back at the club house. Ambulance rushed you here but couldnt give you x rays or anything because you are pregnant” Tara says in hushed tone

You look to her in disbelief but it all made sense.

“Chibs?” She asks while you shake your head.

“David Hale” You simply answer.

“Do you want anyone knowing?” She asks and you shake your head.

“Ok, secret safe with me. I do want an ultra sound here to see how far along you are and in hopes there isnt any sign of tares or anything” She says while looking to you.

“Make sure everyone is gone or not near the door when you bring in the ultra sound machine in” You tell her and she nods and goes out the door.

She tells everyone that you would be ok and needed some rest for the night. Everyone left the hospital but not Chibs. He wanted to wait until he was able to see you. Gemma told him to call if everything is ok. He waited in the lobby for Tara to come and get him. She went and got the machine.

“I managed to get everyone to leave except for one” She says with the machine in tow and goes to your bed side.

“Chibs?” You ask with a slight smile. She smiles at the answer.

“What happened anyway?” She asks while getting the machine ready

“After the Chibs talk with my parents. I got all happy and wanted see him. So I went down to the club house, saw him and a crow eater by the name of Connie. I went to high school with her. Seeing her throw herself at him got me all territorial with him and beat her to a pulp” You tell Tara while the rage comes back again.

“I know what that is like. But it was a pornstar by the name of Ima Tite” She says with vemon.

“Ima? Shit. That herpe living out her dream too?” You chuckle at the sudden realization who Ima is and also went to high school with her

“I remember she always tried to hang out with me just because of my brother and the club but never wanted to be friends with that gash of a wart” You tell Tara as she chuckles and looks at the screen.

You are taken away from memory lane at the sound of a tiny heart beat. You look to the screen as well while Tara has a wide smile and tears begin to form. You form tears as well.  Your nugget is a strong baby after the beating you took and gave.

**

Everything has gone by and everything with other charters have heated up with the club. That made you worry about your family and everyone else.

You moved out of your parents place once you made enough money to get a place of your own along with your own vehicle.

ATF has been crawling up your ass about the club but as always you tell em to stick it where the sun dont shine.

You didnt like the one agent Stahl, especially when she kept referring you as the clubs princess. They had nothing to hold you for anything along with sending you to jail because you are completely clean.

You found out that you are pregnant with Davids baby and you havent told anyone yet. You wanted to wait until everything has settled well you hope that everything would.

You are getting ready for a funeral for the prospect Kip. You couldnt believe that he is gone and you were already getting used of him being around. Now all you could see is mere images of him around the club. Like as if his ghost is lurking around the club.

“Hey baby you almost ready?” Mom asks as she knocks on the bathroom door.

You decided to make a visit to your parents place before you did the unthinkable and going to Davids to tell him that you are pregnant and the baby is his.

“Yeah, I just need to do something before the funeral. You and dad can meet me over there” You tell her as you walk out of the bathroom and give her a kiss to the cheek.

#reader insert #chibs telford #take me to church #chibs fic #soa fic #sons of anarchy fanfic #sons of anarchy fic #chibs x reader #filip telford #chibs filip telford #clay morrow #gemma teller morrow #jax teller #tara knowels #juice #happy #bobby #tig #kozik #opie #piney #clay x gemma #jax x tara #agent stahl #david hale #crow eaters #fight #bar fight #love claiming #juan carlos ortiz

[casssuselessopinions]

Mythical Recap | GMM #1058

/GMM/

HOLY CRAP LOOK AT LINKS S H I R T

IS THAT LOHN LIGHTNING OR LINK NEAL

LOL rhett messing up his Words is so cute omg

omg that ring costs..... 15 times we paid for the house WE live in, approximatly

holy heck

hOW DO U FORGET ABT THAT

although yesterday evening i looked down at my hand and realized i DIDNT HAVE MY ACE RING ON and i forgot to put it back on after my shower two days ago and i was like......how could i do this

but it only cost me 15 bucks. SO.

omg the meridian trash commercial lol

in ‘twenty oh five’

“just like your herpes link” “WHAT”

good for elizabeth for doing the rght thing haha

THE QUOTE FROM TEA ENTERTAINMENT

THE TEA ENTERTAINKmENT AD

‘lesson learned there. DONT DO GOOD DEEDS’

THE GUY WHO FOUND THE EMMY OMG

ah yes we finally get a plug for the newsletter on gmm

OMG A CUTE UNDERWATER PROPOSAl

i will hafta head over there

/GMMore/

SO MANY COMMERCIALS FOR THIS AMBLIN MOVIE WITH JOSH GAD AS A DOGS CONSCIOUS IVE MEMORIZED IT BY NOW GOSH

but i’d rather see them than the 50 shades trailers SO

yeah someone always has loose lips when they send us to a video LOL

i mean i already signed up for the monthly thing

oooh a smoothie

‘ I WILL HAVE A NAME FOR IT AT THAT TIME’

‘once he finds something he likes he sticks with it. that’s why we’ve been friends forever’ ASJAKSFG

LOL and link has spilled his mug this is already going great

omg who throws away UNUSED WRAPPING PAPER

dude i wrapped presents in solid PINK paper at christmas bc somebodys gotta use it up

A PENCIL WAS USED A TORCH

“you dont knOW”

oooh wow

im sorry im not saying anything rly while they deduce the trash bc its s interesting to me LOL

TIME TO FIND OUT IF THEY’RE RIGHT

THEY’RE WRONG LOL

they are reguessing

THEY’RE MORE WRONG

“i erased real fast”

“I WAS GONNA SAY SECRET SANTA”

“confident is more important than being right”

asdffkkfkg

WELL

that was rly fun tbh XD

[MYTHICAL RECAP] [MYTHICAL RECAP SEASON ELEVEN]

#The Mythical Recap #Mythical Recap Season 11 #Good Mythical Morning

[thatinnerfeirygoddessphoenix]

Dreamworld

So after I ranted online about where my insanity originated I had a dream about my first actual best friend. An ex best friend.

Sure, my female friend S has been my friend longer, but we were never as close as I was with J. He was the one who taught me to drive, got my licence, took me to my first concert, gave me a place to love when my parents kicked me out for the second time, and brought me out of my shell.

He made me believe that people could do anything if they just tried. That it didnt matter how they were born as long as they knew the right people and took charge when the time came. I believed in him.

He was also the one who made me start doing drugs. Which I was highly against. Didnt even try cigarettes. Though, I was never against weed. Even though i didnt smole iit at the time.

It was fun at first. Or else why would I care? My first real friends who actually liked me. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to know how they were so cool and confident. (Little did I know how wrong I was about that. )

So pills was the start. Cough medicine. It made me feel connected to the stars and the universe. Like I could do anything. Like my life wasnt a small town waste. I felt more alive and awake than I did sober. We pushed the limits. Making sure it was safe with a certain website. I think the most ive taken was 40 at a time. Possibly more.

Eventually my body was unable to handle them or something. I would throw up every time. Didnt matter, because after i was done puking, the high would start to get intense.

Then I did inhalents. Dust off. Computer cleaner. That one just made the person retarded. No brain, no cares right? After my friend Jos almost died by having it freeze his throat J got angry if i did it. Which seemed hypocritical to me.

Unfortunately he started me off on harder things. Meth. Yeah, i cringe just writing it. Ive always been a low energy person. Always tired. It gave me energy. Gave me motivation. The art I created was phenomenal. I was under the delusion that it made me a better person.

It might have been true for a little while, even. I worked, went to school AND was able to socialize. I could keep up with him finally. He was always so high energy, i couldnt understand where he got so much.

I took my freedom too far. Too much of anything is bad for you. Extremely true when it comes to drugs. I became emotional. Reckless. Ashamed to say sex was a part of my addictions. If they dont want me as a girlfriend I will just use them like they use me. Just leave them before they find out im not worth anything.

Low self esteem ruins relationships faster than the herp.

Anyways, I quit a few years after starting. J didnt. He evolved to heroin when I left town to help my family out. I tried visiting, tried not to judge, but he had become something else. I cant forget when I visited, he said "i know you dont like heroin, so I got you some meth." I didnt know how to react. I just laughed and said I didnt do that either. I felt simultaneously offended and yet I knew he was just thinking of me. In his own way...

I was pulled down into that kind of world willingly, but left him there as I pulled myself out.... do I feel bad? In a way. I wish I could have helped him, but I knew the only way to quit was to make the choice in yourself.

The way I quit... i simply saw who I was, and where I was heading, and said it needs to stop. I haven't even wanted any since then.

When I quit something I mean it. The same went for our friendship. I was living in another town, he called and texted, but I was in a depressive slump. Unfortunately for me, being that unhappy makes me lash out and be uncaring towards people. Particularly my friends.

We had talked on the phone and he said "I love you" like he always does. Now, something about me not many know, is that I CANNOT tell someone I love them unless I really feel it. He was offended because I replied with "ok, bye." I get it, in a way... but that started a ridiculous argument. I told him he was acting like a bad possessive boyfriend when we were just friends.

Then he said " fine, I wont bother you anymore. I'll unfriend you on everything and not talk to you anymore." So i said fine. Simple.

He was true to his word, and even though he had been there for me through EVERYTHING, I was relived when this happened. I was tired of being a part of the underbelly of the world. Drugs and bad people. Hes done some prerty messed up things to me as well. I dont need to go into detail, because of the shame.

I blame myself for the things Ive been through. Part of it was my fault, yeah. I cant let that shame rule my life though. I was sick of being human trash. He put himself down there, when in the beginning he had the potential to do some great things.

I dont know what hes doing now, or if hes even ok. I tell myself not to care.

In that dream, so vivid like I was really there... trying to be the friends we were before. Making me comfortable in his house. But i knew he had just done some heroin. Literally falling asleep while standing. When his mom knew I was there she yelled something mean to me. So I called her a fat ugly cunt. He got violent for a moment. I decided to leave.

There, I felt like we could possibly be friends again, but he ruined it. He was trying, and that's all Ive ever wanted was for someone to TRY FOR ME.

Im not worth it though. Obviously. Im too angry and bitter. I dont even know what my problem is half the time. I just know that I want to be alone sometimes. Because if im alone I cant hurt anyone.

What if i was the killer all along? The mean one. Gaslighting myself.