#hi and hello and welcome to another edition of anna’s having a breakdown!

[honeyednights]

.

#hi and hello and welcome to another edition of anna’s having a breakdown! #honestly tho is it rly my blog if i don’t do one of these every other montg #although i think it’s been quite a while since the last one??? #also like tw bad mental health talk so please stay away if that’s gonna affect you!!!💕 #anyways tho i had a breakdown bc i had (have) a life crisis like last week bc i love what i’m studying but it wont exactly lead to a stable #job specifically in that area. and i’d kinda like to do it and be an academic but that basically consists of research (which i’d love) and #writing papers (which i HATE and i am so bad at it and 😭) so i’m kinda like maybe i should be more realistic #which lead me to rmr that after next semester i only have 3 years left of student loans :)) and if i want to change my studies i need to #retake some high school exams which is also a v stressful aspect bc i’m afraid of not being able to do that. and that would also affect my #studio flat bc it’s student housing and you need to be a student to be able to live here - which is another thing bc i have two friends who #live together with a third person and they’re moving out soon so they asked if i wanna move in #and logically and rationally it’d be the best solution bc i’ll live with friends and it’s cheaper rent but the problem is i /need/ my space #and living with others is just not something i’d necessarily want to do or like and i’m also stressed abt moving in w them and then they’ll #see me in a different light and think badly of me bc i do spend a lot of time at home doing nothing of importance #but at the same time a lil part of me is like thinking it might be the help i need to change my rutines the way i want #and then i’m also so stressed about everything else and i just feel like i need a mf break and another option (instead of retaking exams or #going straight to do a masters) would be to just. take a gap year. and the thought of that also stresses me tf out bc after high school i #took a gap year where i did absolutely NOTHING like i applied to jobs and didn’t get any so i tried a little bit. but i spent the entire #year just living at home being holed up in my room. and i’m scared that a new gap year would turn out the exact same way #(although also in that gap year i had like 2.5 friends and i didn’t even meet them almost at all?? which is different now thankfully) #idk i’m stressed out and i can’t even properly think about which options i have and how they would play out bc i just panic #and i talked to dad today and was like kinda hoping he’d give me some good advice and that i’d feel better #and he did like suggest something which might be a good idea. but also he said that i needed to stop looking backwards at what couldve been #and focus on here and now and what i can do now - which is to study all the time etcetcetc #and it’s just like..... both he and mum think that oh it’s mostly about deciding to do things and do them but neither of them seem to #comprehend the trauma of having been s******l for literally 2/3 of my life #if it was that easy to just move on and decide to get my life together dont you think i would’be done that already??????? #so yeah these are like the Big Things i’m struggling w right now and i’m just all ://////////////// #hope i figure it or at least something out soon so i can let go of the incredible amount of stress i’m feeling