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emy-loves-you · 3 years

Text

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays (Chapter 7)

Happy Halloween!

Warning: Minor burns

Chapter 6 | Masterlist | Chapter 8

V- (8:04 AM) Happy first day of Halloween!

L- (8:05 AM) Virgil, it’s October 1st. Halloween isn’t for another 30 days.

V- (8:05 AM) We must be celebrating different holidays. Halloween lasts from October 1st to October 31st. For the entire month, you watch cheesy Halloween movies and decorate your home in black, purple, and orange. Spiders and bats become your daily esthetic. There are no exceptions to this rule.

P- (8:06 AM) I have arachnophobia and most of our decorations are green. Is that alright, Kiddo?

V- (8:06 AM) … There is one exception.

L- (8:07 AM) This is preposterous.

R- (8:07 AM) Calm down, Specs. Let our Dark and Stormy Knight have his holiday. We don’t want another incident of Pi Day, do we?

V- (8:08 AM) What happened on Pi Day?

P- (8:08 AM) Logan wanted to spend the day memorizing as many digits of Pi as possible. Roman told him that Pi day was only for baking pies. Logan decided to etch as many digits of pi as he could fit into the crust of a pie before baking it. Sadly, baking isn’t Lolo’s exPIEtise.

R- (8:09 AM) He almost burnt the house down. It was hilarious.

L- (8:09 AM) I will back down from this argument, if only to preserve my dignity. Since you decided to text us at 8 AM, I assume that you have plans to celebrate your “first day of Halloween?”

V- (8:10 AM) Yep. I’ve got my Scooby-Doo VHS tapes, an entire gallon of iced coffee, and enough decorations to cover every square inch of my house. Life is good.

R- (8:11 AM) Wait which tapes?

V- (8:11 AM) Zombie Island, Witch’s Ghost, Alien Invaders, and Cyber Chase. The 4 best Scooby-Doo movies to ever exist.

R- (8:12 AM) Now I REALLY wanna watch Scooby-Doo

V- (8:12 AM) What’s stopping you?

L- (8:12 AM) The desire to have a stable income

R- (8:13 AM) I’m starring as Van Helsing for our theatre’s production of Dracula. I’ve got rehearsals and performances almost every night.

V- (8:13 AM) Sorry. I’ll watch it in your stead.

R- (8:14 AM) Gee, how thoughtful of you

(October 8th)

L- (2:32 PM) Virgil, did you seriously buy MORE chocolates?

V- (2:32 PM) Do you like them?

L- (2:32 PM) That’s not the point.

L- (2:33 PM) This is the 7th set of sweets you’ve sent us in the past 8 weeks. First of all, this is extremely unhealthy. Second of all, how much money have you spent on these? Third of all, you tend to send chocolates specifically when you’re planning something that we disapprove of. So what, pray tell, are you planning this time?

V- (2:34 PM) Wow, I didn’t realize you were keeping track of that.

L- (2:34 PM) I keep track of everything. Quit ignoring the questions.

V- (2:35 PM) Okay. First of all, if they make you happy it doesn’t matter. Second of all, if it makes you happy it doesn’t matter. Third of all, if it makes you happy it doesn’t matter :)

L- (2:35 PM) …

V- (2:35 PM) Besides, you wouldn’t want me to STOP sending you sweets, would you?

L- (2:36 PM) … Curse you and your knowledge of my sweets addiction.

V- (2:36 PM) :)

(October 15th)

L- (5:47 PM) VIRGIL!

V- (5:48 PM) Hm?

L- (5:48 PM) DID YOU SERIOUSLY TP OUR HOUSE?!?!?

V- (5:49 PM) You have no proof

L- (5:50 PM) [*Photo Attachment*]

[The photo is of a door. There is a square of TP taped to the door, the words “VIRGIL WAS TOTALLY NOT HERE” written in sharpie]

V- (5:50 PM) See? I was totally not there.

V- (5:51 PM) And I sent you pre-apology chocolates, so you can’t get mad!

L- (5:52 PM) I CAN STILL GET MAD

V- (5:52 PM) NO YOU WON’T OR I’LL STOP GETTING YOU CHOCOLATES

L- (5:53 PM) YOU WOULDN’T

V- (5:53 PM) TRY ME BITCH

R- (5:55 PM) I don’t know WHAT you did, but Logan called me, screeched your name, and hung up. Keep up the good work, storm cloud ;)

(October 22nd)

V- (3:42 PM) Hey Pat?

P- (3:42 PM) What’s up, Kiddo?

V- (3:42 PM) You bake, right?

P- (3:43 PM) It would be very hard to run a bakery if I couldn’t, Kiddo!

V- (3:43 PM) True

V- (3:43 PM) So what do you do if your cookies catch on fire?

P- (3:43 PM) WHAT

V- (3:44 PM) [*Photo Attachment*]

[The photo is of an oven. The door is open, and inside is a tray of Pillsbury ghost sugar cookies. They are all on fire]

P- (3:44 PM) PUT IT OUT

V- (3:44 PM) HOW

P- (3:45 PM) DON’T YOU HAVE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER?!?!

V- (3:45 PM) WON’T THAT RUIN THE COOKIES?

P- (3:45 PM) THOSE COOKIES ARE GONERS. ACCEPT YOUR LOSS

V- (3:46 PM) [*Photo attachment*]

[The photo is of the same oven. The door is still open, yet the entire inside of the oven is covered in foam]

V- (3:46 PM) Now what?

P- (3:46 PM) First of all, turn off the oven.

V- (3:47 PM) Done

P- (3:47 PM) Okay. Now answer me this: HOW THE FUDGE DID YOU MANAGE TO CATCH PREMADE SUGAR COOKIES ON FIRE???

V- (3:48 PM) I DON’T KNOW! I JUST PUT THEM IN THE OVEN AND SUDDENLY THEY WERE ON FIRE

L- (3:48 PM) Are you alright, Virgil? Did you sustain any burns or other injuries?

P- (3:48 PM) HOLY STARS I SHOULD’VE ASKED! ARE YOU OKAY VIRGIL?

V- (3:49 PM) I’m fine. I burned my wrist but it’s not that bad.

L- (3:49 PM) Will you please send a picture of your injury?

V- (3:49 PM) [*Photo attachment*]

[The photo is of a left hand. The hand is long, slender, and pale. The nails are long and painted black with cat noses and whiskers. The person’s wrist has a minor burn wound, around the size of a golf ball]

L- (3:50 PM) You are correct, Virgil. It appears to be a minor burn, no need to contact the hospital. However, I would greatly appreciate it if you tend to your burn at your earliest convenience.

P- (3:50 PM) Go wrap up that burn, kiddo! Make sure you add burn cream, too!

P- (3:51 PM) AND OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOUR NAILS! They’re PAWsitively PURRfect!

L- (3:51 PM) Please stop

P- (3:52 PM) Alright. Wouldn’t wanna have a CATastrophe, would we?

L- (3:52 PM) Please. I beg of you.

V- (3:53 PM) Okay, all patched up. What do I do about my cookies?

L- (3:53 PM) Make sure your oven has fully cooled down before attempting to clean it.

P- (3:54 PM) AND DON’T DO THAT EVER AGAIN, MISTER!

P- (3:54 PM) You nearly gave me a heart attack!

V- (3:55 PM) Sorry, won’t happen again.

L- (3:55 PM) I assume that this means you will be buying post-apology sweets? I assure you that it is unnecessary, Virgil. Your health and safety are more important than confectionaries.

L- (3:57 PM) Virgil?

L- (3:57 PM) Please refrain from buying more sweets.

L- (3:58 PM) I’ve already gained 3.4 pounds alone from these “Gifts”

V- (3:58 PM) Too late, already bought them

P- (3:58 PM) You don’t have to, Kiddo!

P- (3:59 PM) And Lolo, don’t blame V on your weight gain. I know Ro’s not the only one sneaking whole jars of jelly from the cabinets at night.

L- (3:59 PM) Virgil, how much are you spending on these sweets?

V- (4:00 PM) Would it help if I said that I get a discount since I purchase chocolates almost weekly?

L- (4:00 PM) VIRGIL

V- (4:01 PM) :)

R- (6:58 PM) Why does all the interesting stuff happen while I’m at work?

V- (6:59 PM) Get wrecked Princey

R- (6:59 PM) :(

V- (7:00 PM) Don’t worry I got you sweets too

R- (7:00 PM) :)

(October 24th)

L- (2:32 PM) VIRGIL!

V- (2:33 PM) Did you get your sweets? Send me a pick! I didn’t get to see the end result

P- (2:33 PM) [*Photo Attachment*]

[The photo is of three vases, each of different colors. The light blue vase is filled with tulips made of white chocolate. There are also chocolate-covered straberry and a giant chocolate lollipop with the words “I appreciate you a chocoLOT!” The red vase is filled with milk chocolate roses and another chocolate lollipop that says “Good luck slaying Vampires!” The navy blue vase is the most elaborate (probably just to mess with Logan). It’s filled with dark chocolate tulips AND roses, with a whole jar of crofters nestled into the middle of the bouquet. It’s lollipop reads “Weight and Cost are just #s!”]

P- (2:34 PM) These are ADORABLE, Virgil!

L- (2:34 PM) How much did you spend on this, Virgil?

V- (2:34 PM) Did you not read your lollipop?

V- (2:35 PM) Don’t worry about it, I wouldn’t buy the chocolates if I couldn’t afford them :)

L- (2:35 PM) My digestive system can’t afford them.

V- (2:36 PM) Well I couldn’t give you pre-apology chocolates so I had to give you epic post-apology chocolates.

P- (2:37 PM) Well, I cannot wait to eat these! Seriously, I’ve already eaten half a tulip. And these vases will look so pretty holding ACTUAL flowers! Thank you so much, V! But remember, you don’t have to do this. We don’t need apology sweets!

V- (2:38 PM) I know, but it’s comforting to know that there’s at least ONE way I can interact with you guys beyond texting. I’m sorry that I’m still not comfortable talking face-to-face yet.

P- (2:38 PM) That’s completely fine, Kiddo! Take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

L- (2:39 PM) I agree.Though I still do not see the purpose of excessive spending on our behalf.

R- (2:39 PM) Well I find it extremely thoughtful, storm cloud. I would type an entire ballad of how caring and kind you are, but I must get back to work. I shall speak with you tonight, fair raven.

V- (2:40 PM) Thanks, guys. It means a lot to me.

(October 31st)

L- (10:17 AM) How are you feeling about your “final day of Halloween,” Virgil?

V- (10:18 AM) Incredibly depressed

P- (10:18 AM) Aww. Why’s that, Kiddo?

V- (10:19 AM) You guys know how I travel around with my friends, right?

V- (10:19 AM) Well apparently we have to travel out today. We won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon.

R- (10:20 AM) I’m deeply sorry, my precious stormcloud. If I may ask, why do you have to travel tonight?

V- (10:20 AM) My friends like to go to parties out of town, and I go to make sure they don’t get themselves killed.

P- (10:21 AM) I’m sorry you have to miss Halloween, Kiddo. I know how much you were looking forward to it.

V- (10:22 AM) I’m still gonna wear my costume. Just because I can’t celebrate at home doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate at all.

L- (10:22 AM) What costume have you decided to wear?

V- (10:23 AM) [*Photo attachment*]

[Photo is the bottom half of someone’s face. They’re smiling, with black lipstick and fake Vampire teeth. There’s red liquid running down their chin.]

P- (10:23 AM) That looks FANGtastic, Virgil!

L- (10:23 AM) I hope you have an amenable experience at the party, Virgil.

R- (10:24 AM) I agree! You look amazing and I hope you enjoy the party, storm cloud. Do not worry, I will watch The Nightmare Before Christmas in your stead!

V- (10:25 AM) Wow I feel so grateful

R- (10:25 AM) :)

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#sanders sides fic #useless gays #LAMP fic #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders

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