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musette22 · 3 years
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Fried crackers - “How long does sadness take to cook?”
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gainerstories · 4 years
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Lifeguard Off Duty: Chapter 2
Read prior chapters here
Bradley woke up at 5 AM with a throbbing headache. He looked at the time, noticing a half-empty beer bottle on his nightstand, and groaned at the realization he had work in three hours. He had overdone it with beer the night before and immediately began strategizing how to cure his hangover. Groggy and half-awake he stumbled to the bathroom, noticing two more beer bottles next to his sink, and unleashed a torrent of urine. 
Entering the kitchen he was reminded that he had killed an entire pizza to himself in a drunken haze, the remnants of which lay on the countertop alongside several more empty beer bottles. Surveying his surroundings, he determined he had drank two six packs before ordering Domino’s. Filled with self-disgust, he began to clean the kitchen. How could he allow such a loss of control? Especially before his second day of work!
After cleaning the kitchen and consuming lots of water and ibuprofen, Bradley’s stomach began aggressively growling. With his head still pounding, he knew there was only one solution to this hangover: greasy food. Knowing he had to do whatever it took to be in the best shape possible for work, he ordered a large McDonald’s breakfast delivered.
Bradley hadn’t eaten McDonald’s in a year or so and the salty calorie-rich food filled him with both delight and self-loathing. This evening, he told himself, he’d hit the gym doubly hard. After polishing off his fast food with aplomb and taking a long hot shower, Bradley felt mostly renewed. Bloated from all the alcohol and sodium, he felt a tad self-conscious in his form-fitting work clothes. At least he wasn’t like the other tubs of lard at the office, he reasoned to himself.
Bradley headed to work a bit foggy, but still full of vigor. Entering the building he said hello to Malcolm, whose wrinkled button-up displayed a food stain near the collar. Bradley eyed the stain with disdain. Does Malcolm have no self-respect? Bradley would’ve changed immediately had he spilled food on himself. He also noticed that Malcom’s shirt was unbuttoned surprisingly low, revealing an excess of chest hair. Bradley kept his body hair neatly trimmed to show off his impressive musculature, and the sight of Malcolm washed away any insecurity he had about his current bloated form.
Taking a seat next to Eric, Bradley was once again dismayed by his coworkers’ slovenly nature. Eric wore a polo shirt that barely covered the rounded belly that filled his lap. Were he to stretch or reach for something, Eric would surely expose his fattened midsection. His pants looked equally tight and frankly uncomfortable. Bradley felt restrained just by looking at Eric's curves squeezed into those tight clothes. Plus, for the second day in a row he was munching on fresh peanut brittle from the same bakery.
“Want some?” Eric said, pushing the box towards his office mate.
Bradley’s impulse was to refuse the sweet treats, but the aroma enticed him. He’d already ruined his diet for the day after having McDonald’s breakfast, so he allowed himself one last indulgence. The sweetness permeated his senses as he bit down on the peanut brittle and he actually felt a surge of pleasure overtake his body. This was the best peanut brittle he’d ever tasted, even better than his moms. He took note of the name on the box of treats. “Muffin Tops Bakery,” he’d have to try it on a special occasion.
“Can I have just one more piece?” Bradley asked sheepishly.
“Sure, dig in!”
Bradley helped himself and then got to work. The day went slowly as he tried to remember everything he’d been trained on the day before. This demanded a higher level of focus than Bradley was used to exerting during his days as a lifeguard. By the time five o’clock rolled around he was absolutely drained. He knew he should go to the gym but could barely muster the energy. Waking up hungover and eating all those unhealthy foods, plus the stress of a new job, all left him yearning for his bed.
Even still, he drove to the gym. Sitting in the parking lot he stared at the glowing sign of 24 Hour Fitness. There was no way he could accomplish a full workout in his current state. Then he noticed something out of the corner of his eye- it was Muffin Tops Bakery. Without giving it a second thought he started up his car and drove towards the bakery. He parked outside and walked up to the door only to discover they had already closed for the night.
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somefantasticplace · 3 years
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THE MIRROR INTERVIEW
Bob Mortimer, the shorter half of Reeves & Mortimer, has made a fortune out of being daft. He and Jim Moir, Vic Reeves' alter ego, have become famous for making clever and surrealist comedy that looks very similar to two blokes whacking each other with frying pans, farting and wearing inside-out footballs on their heads. They have been labelled childish, silly and rude and stand guilty as charged. But even Bob was shocked when he realised his comic genius was too immature for his four year old son, Harry.
"The only bit of Reeves & Mortimer my son has ever seen is us hitting each other with frying pans," Bob says with a sigh. "He got really upset. He said, 'Why is he hitting you daddy?' I said "Well, its just being funny." Harry looked at him with disdain. 'Hitting people is not funny,' he told his dad.
"The funny thing is that me and Jim have never had an argument, ever," Bob says. "We spend half the time on TV smacking each other and arguing. But we've never had a real argument."
The pots and pans are polystyrene and most of the props are balsa wood, but he and Vic still injure each other. "When we did Big Night Out we were terrible," he says of their first TV venture. "We're rubbish at pretend punching and hitting and there were no retakes so we just had to punch each other." He winces at the memory. "In one bit, Jim had to rip off half the lid of the desk and smack me on the head with it. One half was balsa wood and the other was proper wood. He picked up the wring half!" Bob mimes being attacked by a heavy wooden desk. "It looked fantastic on telly," he adds proudly. "There's stuff coming out of my nose..."
Harry, you reflect, wouldn't be very impressed. But then Bob knows keeping millions of TV viewers amused is child's play compared to entertaining his kids. When he's not filming, he's a full-time dad. "It's shattering," he admits, rubbing tired, pinprick eyes. "My kids are three and four and in the mornings it gets to 11am and I think 'I've been entertaining the kids for five hours already." The comic never knew his own father, who died when he was six. "My father's death was probably the defining moment of my life. Which is strange in a way because I don't remember him. The only thing I can remember is him walking out of a door." He looks sad when he says this. "When me dad died he was a salesman, selling Fox's biscuits."
He was insistent about the type - crumble crunch - and the brand, Fox's. It seemed eccentric but it suddenly makes sense. He's maintaining a link to the father he can't remember.
"I don't know if he would be proud of what I do," Bob continues. "He might disapprove - I never knew him to know what he liked." "I don't want to be dull about it. I don't miss him because I don't remember him, but I do sort of know that his death made me the person I am."
What sort of person is he? "I'm a compulsive helper - that's probably what a shrink would diagnose. I always want to help." "I tried to be strong for me mam when my dad died. It was selfish, I suppose, because I knew that if I lost my mam I'd have nothing. That's what I'm like. I try to be nice to people so they'll need me, so they don't f*** off".
In all the years since he was 12, 41 year old Bob has never been out of a relationship. "I've been with my girlfriend, Lisa, 10 years now," he says.
Comedy may be the new rock and roll, but Bob's a domestic animal. Even his face is sleepy and cat-like. "Even before we had kids, we weren't exactly wild," he says. "Most of our time was spent sitting on the settee watching the box, going to Ikea, getting up late on Saturdays..."
His mum was a cookery teacher and spent the war "at the Ministry of Food showing people what to do with powdered eggs." Her son makes a fine ox-tongue, he says. "I can do all those tricky things. I can do all the jams - and I love my vegetable patch. The first time you actually plant something and it grows is magic."
Seeing Bob on the TV, zipping about like a hyperactive kid on high E numbers, it's hard to picture him making jam and tending to cabbages. But it's even harder to imagine that he was once a grey-suited solicitor, the sort of bloke that no one noticed. "They must be gobsmacked if they've seen me on telly," he says of his former colleagues at Southwark Council's legal centre. "Nobody noticed me there at all."
One night, on the way to the pub after work, a man suddenly came up behind him and held a knife to his throat. "It happened dead fast," recalls Bob. "I thought, 'I'm being mugged!' but all of a sudden he put his knife back in his pocket and said 'Oh hello Mr Mortimer, I didn't know it was you.' "It was one of my regular clients. I'd represented him in court about 15 times. He was a professional mugger."
Apart from the near mugging, life carried on quietly and Bob might have continued being invisible, except for a chance meeting at a pub in South London... with a man performing a comedy act with a ladder and a lump of lard. Bob started heckling from the audience and Jim Moir invited him on stage. There was a clap of thunder somewhere in the comic heavens and Vic  & Bob were born. From then on, every Thursday, he and Jim performed their irresistibly bizarre double act.
"When I first met Jim, Thursday nights were a bright spot in my life," Bob admits. "Working with Jim cracks me up and no one can make Jim laugh like I can."
Their pub act was spotted by Jonathan Ross's brother Adam and, on his recommendation, Michael Grade signed the pair up for Channel 4. In a hangover from those days, the duo always drank four weak pints of lager before performing a show. "We always drank," says Bob. "In the pub in New Cross we wouldn't be on until 11 O'clock, by which time we'd have had four pints. Now I'd be scared not to...
"People think we're mad because we need four pints of lager, under 3.4% proof. Four pints of strong lager and we'd be drunk. It's a fine line. You need to get that familiar feeling but it would be terrible if you were actually drunk," he laughs. "I have to admit that we were very drunk on Jonathan Ross's New Years Eve Special. I can't remember what we said. I don't even know if they showed it." When Vic and Bob were first on telly, Bob lived in a homeless shelter in South London. He'd left his native Middlesbrough to work at the council and had nowhere to live. The best the council could offer was the shelter and, as far as Bob could see, it had everything a young man could need - a roof, a bed and a decent pub nearby. He stayed there for five years.
"When we'd just become famous I used to think I'd love to be on Through the Keyhole," Bob says. He impersonates Lloyd's weird vowels and imagines him walking around the hostel: Whoo liiives heeere??"
He only left when the place went up in flames. "One of the nutters who lived there burnt it down one Easter," he says matter-of-factly. "I came back from me mam's at Easter and had nowhere to live. So I got a council flat instead." He scratches his chin. "You know, I wouldn't like to be one of those comedians straight from university," he says, thoughtfully. "I don't know how you get any perspective on it when life's always been as lovely as that. You haven't had a real life. How can you be happy?" Bob screws up his face and contemplates the present. He lives in a beautiful house Kent with Lisa and their two children. He and Vic are planning a new comedy series and have also been given lots of money for a film script which they keep forgetting to finish. A new series of Shooting Stars starts this month, with added sketches and the inspired choices of novelist Will Self and comedian Johnny Vegas to replace Mark Lamarr.
Comic quiz shows abound but Vic and Bob remain masters of their genre. Who else would have Debbie McGee abseil across the studio or have Michael Winner sniff out "dirty boys" using an elephants trunk? It is utterly, plainly, deliriously daft. But then, Reeves & Mortimer have made daft an art form.
"If you've nothing to compare it to it's not that much of a laugh in the end, being on the box," says Bob, seriously. "But I tell you something - it's absolute heaven compared to working with a council." The Mirror
Jan 2002
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Is This Love? (Eisuke Drabble/Request)
Anonymous said to empty-aesthetic-princess: can you do a story where mc drags eisuke somewhere fun and he’s grumbling the whole time but he secretly enjoys it just to see mc happy? 
Anonymous said to empty-aesthetic-princess: Can I have #27 and #133 of that prompt challenge pls (:
Let’s just smash them both together and see what happens! <3
Prompt selections taken from here:
27. “Oh, fuck off.”
133. “Slushies aren’t just for kids, fuck society.”
It was hot. Too damn hot. Why on Earth would anyone voluntarily be outside on a day like this? I sigh inwardly. I guess a better question would be, why is today the day I let her convince me to take her to the fair?
Normally I hated the very thought of outdoor activities like these. They’re always too crowded and walking around on dirt and hay isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. The deep-fried lard they pass off as food here is abhorrent and honestly, why the hell does it have to be so damn loud? I don’t know how commoners tolerate this form of cruel and usual punishment. I grimace in the light of the blinding sun and calculate in my mind how long I have left before I can get back to my air-conditioned hotel suite. 
______ walks happily beside me, unbothered by any of it. She’s definitely the strangest woman I’ve ever met. I decided to reward her for doing so well as my pretend girlfriend while I was making my deal with Mr. Bucci, but when the words “I’d like to go to the fair” escaped her lips, I just about fainted. It baffles me how I can offer this girl the entire world, and she’d still pick the absolute simplest thing she can thing of. I watch her curiously as her face displays a various range of emotions at the sights before her. She’s so expressive that I was worried that she wouldn’t have been able to compose herself and go along with the lie but she had done much better than I’d ever expected. It was surprising to say the least, and now I found myself paying more attention to _____ than usual. Her ponytail swishes back and forth with each step, and I find myself smiling despite my surroundings. She’s normally so on edge around me. I wish she would be this relaxed when we’re alone together. 
“Princess! Let’s get some cotton candy!”, Baba’s cheerful voice fills my ears and I immediately feel my irritation return. She just had to invite these idiots too, didn’t she? I watch Baba lead her off and my scowl returns to my face.
“I’m gonna go get a slushie”, Ota chimes in. Good, don’t come back.
“Jesus, how old are you?” Mamoru grumbles as he blows his cigarette smoke up over the crowd. How she managed to convince him to get off the penthouse lounge and be awake and outside for an afternoon is beyond me, honestly. 
“Slushies aren’t just for kids, fuck society,” Ota says indignantly as he struts off in the opposite direction. 
I glance back over at _______ standing in line for her cotton candy, laughing at something Baba just said. I don’t know why I never noticed how attractive she was before. I make it a point never to look at my staff in anything but a professional way, but for some reason it’s been really difficult when it comes to her. 
Maybe it’s because of all the time we’ve been spending together recently, but I’m starting to feel much more comfortable around her than I ever have around any of my employees, including Kenzaki. She laughs out loud again, her smile brighter than the sun and my earlier disdain is forgotten for a few moments. I guess this whole nuisance was worth it to see her this happy. I study her face for a moment, and she catches my eye as she adjusts her ponytail. A faint pink blush appears on her cheeks as she quickly looks away from me and I chuckle. That’s an interesting reaction. 
Alright, I admit it. She’s more than attractive to me now. She’s really quite beautiful. A fluttering feeling spreads across my body and it’s not exactly unpleasant. Is this what a crush feels like? 
I’m not sure how long I’ve been staring at her, but then I feel Soryu’s eyes in me and I’m greeted with the sight of his all-knowing smirk. 
“See something you like?”, he asks and I grimace again.
“Oh, fuck off”, I mutter, earning a chuckle from my best friend. 
A/N: Thanks for the request anons! Hope this was alright for both of you! (:
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pamphletstoinspire · 6 years
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THE ROMAN RITUAL - PART 1
Translated by PHILIP T. WELLER, S.T.D.
Copyright 1964 Philip T. Weller
PART XI. BLESSINGS AND OTHER SACRAMENTALS
CONTENTS IN THIS FILE:
Blessings and other sacramentals, introduction and general rules Blessings for special days and feasts Blessings of persons Blessings of animals Blessings of places not designated for sacred purposes Blessings of places designated for sacred purposes Blessings of things designated for sacred purposes Blessings of things designated for ordinary use
Processions, general rules Rites for processions
Exorcism, introduction and general rules Rite for exorcism
Litanies
Blessings formerly reserved to religious orders
Appendix: reception of converts; profession of faith; itinerarium; prayers at meals; oath against modernism
Index
Index of psalms, canticles, hymns
BLESSINGS AND OTHER SACRAMENTALS
INTRODUCTION
A subheading to the above heading could well be: "The Sacramentals-Christ in Daily Life." In the ordination service, the Church, through the bishop, anoints and blesses the hands of the newly made priest, accompanying the action with these words: "May it please you, O Lord, to consecrate and sanctify these hands by this anointing and our blessing; that whatever they bless may be blessed, and whatever they consecrate may be consecrated in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." By this and other ceremonies in the rite for ordination the young priest has it impressed on him that his sacramental ministry, namely, the power to offer sacrifice, the duty of preaching the word of God in Mass and of distributing the Bread of life to the people, the duty of administering the other sacraments, the duty of dispensing blessings and other sacramentals - -that all these constitute the main reason for his being what he is, a mediator between God and men, the dispenser of God's mysteries.
For a priest all else must be kept subordinate to his sacramental ministry. In the first age of the Church the apostles, as soon as they discovered that other works were interfering with their strictly priestly ministrations, ordained other men as deacons or assistants, whose function it was to take over a large share of those activities not absolutely required of pastors of souls. So nowadays too the priest can find auxiliaries to aid him in the office of teaching, in the good work of visiting the sick and seeking out the stray sheep, in tending to the needs of the poor and the widows and orphans, in keeping files and financial books, in running parish organizations and recreational programs. But he cannot turn over to them his sacramental powers, neither the greater ones of consecrating at Mass, of baptizing, of absolving, of anointing, nor even the lesser ones of bestowing on persons and objects the official blessing of the Church. Her sacramentals, then, ought not to be "the twentieth-century stepchildren of Mother Church," as someone has referred to them.
If it is true that in the world of today conditions are not conducive to a high evaluation and appreciation of the seven sacraments of Christ, then surely it can be admitted all the more readily that the sacramentals fare even worse. If a certain measure of humility and simplicity is needed by man to recognize God at work with, and in, and for us in the greater mysteries, the Eucharist and the other sacraments, it is required even in greater measure to recognize His action in those consecratory acts which are lesser than those seven, namely, the sacramentals. Pride and sophistication are a hindrance to understanding that God, when He created the universe, consecrated all creation, not alone man, but every lower form; and that Christ, in redeeming the world after the Fall, removed the curse fallen on creation, not only from man but from the lesser species as well. Thus for a long time the sacramental acts such as the many consecrations and blessings of the Church have been, if not actually disdained, looked upon with apathy and indifference by her children. So much so that some are apt to be disedified rather than edified when they are made aware that the Church has a mind to speak a blessing on horse, silkworm, bonfire, beer, bridal chamber, medicine, or lard.
God's ultimate purpose in creating the world is the manifestation of His goodness and excellence, and a communication of them in part to His creatures. Consequently, creation's first reason for existence is to glorify the Creator. Human beings fulfill this obligation to glorify God by living in conformity with the laws which govern human existence, but they do so more nobly still in those positive acts of religion, sacrifice, sacraments, social and private prayer, consecrations, and blessings. For in this latter way man does not praise God in isolation, but he is united with the praise which his elder brother, Jesus Christ, everlastingly renders to the Blessed Trinity. Irrational creatures fulfill their obligation also in their existence and functions, according to the laws that govern their nature. This is their silent voice of praise. But lower creation too is destined to take part in the direct and positive act of praising the Creator. The psalms and canticles leave no doubt about this. The fall of man caused lower creatures to be separated from God, for they were bound to God through mankind. And they became once more consecrated in the redemption, not purely for their own sake, but for the purposes of higher creation. Therefore, in union with man, and in union with the God-man, the rest of creation participates in the praise which without ceasing raises its voice to the adorable Trinity.
In the Epistle to the Romans St. Paul records that the complete emancipation of creation will not be effected until the end of time. But ever since our Lord transfigured lower creatures by employing them in sacramental ways--consider His use of bread, wine, water, oil, sacred signs - material things have been participating with Him and with man in divine worship. And where Christ left off, the Church continues. The consecration and transfiguration of the creatures of God is done through sacraments and sacramentals. The passion and resurrection of Jesus notwithstanding, the individual man is not justified until the fruit of these momentous acts is communicated to him by way of sacramental sanctification. Lower creatures in similar fashion are freed from their enslavement by being sacramentalized. Before the Church will use them in the service of God or of men, she wills that first they be exorcised of any allegiance to Satan, then sanctified by her consecratory hand.
Certainly there is a difference of kind and of efficacy between the seven sacraments and the lesser sacraments called sacramentals. There is a difference of degree in the seven sacraments themselves. One is not so necessary or sublime as another. Furthermore, it is not true to say without qualification that one distinction between sacraments and sacramentals is that the former owe their institution to Christ, the latter to the Church. For some of the sacramentals definitely come directly from Christ, exactly how many and actually which ones is not clear. There is one sacramental, however, of whose origin there is not a particle of doubt. This is the mandatum, the washing of feet, carried out by our Lord at the Last Supper, and today still used in the liturgy of Maundy Thursday. What requires stressing here is that men should not belittle the sacramentals because of the fact that they owe their institution in greatest part not to the positive will and act of Christ, but instead to the will and act of the Church. For in the light of the doctrine of the mystical body both have a sacred origin, the sacraments from the personal, historical Christ, the sacraments from the mystic Christ -- Christ living and working in His mystical bride, the Church. The sacramentals are aptly designated as extensions and radiation of the sacraments. Both are sources of divine life; both have an identical purpose, divine life. They have, moreover, an identical cause, the passion and resurrection of Jesus Christ; albeit they differ in nature, efficacy, and intensity.
Because man is weakened by sin both in his mental and physical faculties, he needs in striving for salvation, in addition to the sacraments themselves, other supernatural aids constantly at hand, in order to overcome his own inherent weakness as well as the obstacles put in his way by creature things. These auxiliaries, the sacramentals, are the many powerful supports by which man's course to heaven can be lightened, affording protection against the enemies of his soul and promoting bodily well-being in the interests of the soul. As the code of Canon Law defines them: sacramentals are objects and actions which the Church is wont to use, somewhat as she uses the sacraments, in order to obtain through her intercession effects, especially effects of a spiritual nature (can. 1144).
As Christ has endowed with infallible grace the outward signs by which sacraments are effected, so in a similar way the Church has endowed with spiritual powers the outward signs by which sacramentals are constituted. And why are such simple things like the sacramentals so efficacious in the life of grace? Because their efficacy is dependent on the power of the Church's impetration, and not solely on the devotion of the subject who uses them. We say that the sacraments work "ex opere operato," that is, in virtue of the outward signs that are posited. On the other hand, we are accustomed to hear that the sacramentals work "ex opere operantis," which would mean in virtue of the intensity of devotion in those who use them. Yet this is only part of the truth. The thing is cast in an altogether different light when it is stated in full precision, namely, that the sacramentals work "ex opere operantis Ecclesiae," which means that their efficacy is in first place dependent on the power of the Church's intercession, and only secondly on the devout dispositions of the subject concerned. Back in the Middle Ages, William of Paris stated: "The efficacy of the sacramentals is rooted in the nobility of the Church, which is so pleasing to God and so beloved by Him that she never meets with a refusal from Him."[1] The matter could hardly be expressed better. Owing to the resurgence of the doctrine of the mystical body, it has been granted to our times to view the Church once more in her true nature as the body of Christ, flesh of His flesh, bone of His bone, more intimate a part of Him than a bride is of her bridegroom. Therefore, it is not exactly improper to speak of an efficacy "ex opere operato" in the case of sacramentals. For example, an altar that receives the consecration of the Church is consecrated and remains consecrated, no matter how fervent and devout was the bishop who performed the consecration.
Sacramentals have been classified in many ways. But a simple and clear way of classifying them is to divide them into three groups. First, those that lay the basis for divine worship by creating the place and the atmosphere, by raising up certain persons - apart from bishops, priests, and deacons - officially designated to perform divine worship, and by supplying the appurtenances necessary for divine worship, for example: (a) the consecration of a church and an altar, or the consecration of a cemetery; (b) the blessing of an abbot, of monks and virgins, of the ministers in minor orders; (c) the consecration of a chalice or paten, the consecration of a church bell, the blessing of vestments, etc. Second, those used in the course of celebrating Mass and administering the sacraments; for example, the incensation of the altar, the reading of the Gospel, the last blessing, or the giving of salt and the anointings in baptism. Third, those that extend from the worship in church to the Christian home and family circle, to the occupations of farming, industry, and trades; for example, the blessing of a home, field, animals, printing presses, fire-engine, etc.
Although we have stressed the truth that the sacramentals derive their efficacy chiefly from the intercessory power of the Church, we may not minimize the role played by man's own subjective dispositions. The sacraments, too, for that matter, demand something of the individual recipient--at the very least that the subject place no obstacle in the way of grace. But in the case of the sacramentals man's cooperation has a very large part to play if they are to attain their full purpose. Their function is to provide an atmosphere in which the virtue of religion can thrive, and to produce a psychological reaction in man, to raise his thoughts and aspirations out of the realm of the profane and up to the realm of the sacred, to fix his heart on the things of the spirit, to impress on his consciousness God's will for him and God's providence always hovering over him.
Before ascending into heaven our Lord, in His infinite wisdom and love, bequeathed to His followers the seven sacraments, which were to occupy the center of their religious life, to be like so many milestones for them on the journey to heaven. But He also foresaw that the periphery of the Christian life could be sanctified by further supports of a lesser kind, supernatural helps that would be constantly at hand, even every hour, serving to consecrate the works and activities of the day and to lighten its burdens and sorrows. Thus He indicated to the apostles in broad lines how they might make use of other signs and symbols in furthering the work of sanctifying souls. Seeing that the Master Himself had employed the sign of the cross, the act of exorcism, the washing of feet at the Last Supper, and had commanded them to do like things in His name, the apostles were soon imitating Him, performing exorcisms and blessing creatures, as St. Paul has testified in 1 Timothy 4.5. Certainly the Church was inspired by the Holy Spirit, when, following the apostolic period, she began to introduce rites that we now call sacramentals, such as the solemn blessing of baptismal water, of oils, salt, and bread, of first-fruits, and the blessing of milk and honey in connection with first holy communion of the neophytes on Easter morning, to mention only some of the ceremonies that very early embellished the celebration of Mass and the administration of the other sacraments. How wrong were men like Luther and Harnack when they asserted that the sacramentals of the Catholic Church were an invention of the Middle Ages, and scarcely better than a return to the legalistic rites of the Talmud and the Pharisees. In response to the natural craving of man for ritual and ceremonial, for tokens and memorials, the Church gave her children, instead of "panis et circenses," blessed bread and religious processions, instead of antiques, sacred relics and medals. The legitimate demands of a Christian people were as much a factor as the will of the Church herself in promoting the development and the multiplication of pious ceremonies. Soon every province of life was consecrated by the Church's benediction. From the church edifice the sacramentals widen out to embrace the totality of Christian life. Home and hearth, granary and workshop, field and meadow, vineyard and orchard, fountain and river receive a consecration. In private life there was a blessing for the wife who had recently conceived and one for the woman in the pangs of labor; a blessing for the lad who had just reached the age when he could be introduced to the ABC's, and one for the young man about to sprout his first beard; for the sick, blessed medicaments of water, salt, bread, and herbs, instead of a doctor, harder to come by then than even now. Public life also had its blessings, a blessing of a king and queen, emperor and empress, a blessing of a knight and his accouterments of sword and lance, a blessing of public penitents, of pilgrims, of crusaders. In time of plague and famine, a deprecatory blessing against rats, mice, locusts, and noxious vermin. In time of calamity, a blessing to protect the people against fire, wind, earthquake, and flood.
In all this, to be sure, abuse and superstition eventually crept in, especially in the later Middle Ages. When diocesan synods failed to stem such misuse of sacred things, Paul V finally stepped in, and by a Bull of June 16, 1614, published the official Roman Ritual for the universal Church, to which model all diocesan rituals were thenceforth to conform. But in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries the abuse was revived, particularly through the religious orders, who printed private collections of blessings and especially exorcisms with prayers and formulas of such a nature as to outdo even the superstitions of the late Middle Ages.
Perhaps it is a conscientious fear of reviving superstition that prompts us to be so hesitant about restoring the sacramentals to their onetime place of honor. Or perhaps, as we say, you can't turn back the clock. Young men no longer grow beards, save for an exceptional group, and professional exterminators have arisen to make short shrift of every kind of pest, from bedbug to termite. Admittedly we would look foolish trying to revive some of the olden pious customs. Yet there are a good many sacramentals, most of those given in this ritual, that could be resurrected to considerable profit. With some efforts at instruction and with continual encouragement, the people's sensibilities as to their significance and value would be aroused, as it has been shown where it has been tried. - TRANSLATOR
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ENDNOTES
1. "De sacramentis," 1.524.
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