#his father pretty much kills himself 3 years later and his mother dies from health complications that are very linked to both of their

[bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow]

Family Guy Characters Who Died

1. Mayor Adam West - There may be a few entries on this list that are the result of their voice actors dying in real life. Former Batman actor Adam West voiced a fictional and eccentric version of himself, as the mayor of Quahog. Unfortunately, the real life West died in 2017, and after all his unused dialogue was used, the show runners had to retire the character and pay a homage to the late actor by renaming the high school to Adam West High.

2. Angela - Like Mayor West, this character was tragically killed because of her voice actor, Carrie Fisher, having unfortunately died in 2016. The season 17 episode “Pawtucket Pete” begins with Peter giving a touching eulogy for his old boss, while also paying homage to Fisher’s best known role as Princess Leia Organa from Star Wars. Unfortunately, in classic Family Guy fashion, Peter gives his eulogy at the wrong funeral.

3. Brian Griffin - My criteria is the character has to have been killed and remain dead for the rest of the episode, and remain dead for at least another full episode. In season 12, Brian was hit by a car and died from his injuries. The grieving Griffins decide to get a new dog named Vinnie, and for the next two episodes, Vinnie replaces Brian in the theme song. However, at the end of “Christmas Guy,” Stewie miraculously brings Brian back via time travel, making all those crying viewers feel stupid for getting those “R.I.P. Brian” tattoos.

4. James Woods - Like Brian, he was axed and brought back. In the season 9 premiere “And Then There Were Fewer,” James Woods had become a born again Christian, and invites pretty much all of Quahog to a dinner party to make amends with everyone he’s ever wronged. The Griffins weren’t the only victims of his antics. Unfortunately, he was killed by TV news coanchor Diane Simmons after he dumped her for turning 40. However, he reappeared a season later, and explained that since he’s a Hollywood actor, he gets better health care than regular people, being given the life force of a 17 year old girl, raising him from the dead. Now he’s no longer in the show due to his real-life counterpart’s staunch conservatism and controversial tweets.

5. Thelma Griffin - Peter’s mother, who has actually had three voice actors, two of whom have passed away. She appeared in cutaways in season 2, voiced by the late Florence Stanley, but made several appearances in seasons 5 and 6, voiced by the late Phyllis Diller. In season 5, she reveals that she divorced Peter’s father and dated TV news anchor Tom Tucker for a bit. She then appeared in two more episodes informing Peter that his real father is a drunken Irish man named Mickey McFinnigan, and that Peter was actually born in Mexico when she tried to terminate her pregnancy after her affair with McFinnigan, resulting in Peter’s birth. When Phyllis Diller died, the creators decided to retire her character. She last appeared in a flashback scene, voiced by Alex Borstein, who voices Lois.

6. Francis Griffin - Peter’s devout Irish Catholic father, who puts his faith and his work above all else, including his own son. Francis disapproves of Peter’s lifestyle and hates Lois for being Protestant. He does, however, love Peter, even though he doesn’t like him at all. In “Peter’s Two Dads,” at Meg’s birthday party, Peter gets drunk and accidentally kills Francis. In the hospital, his last words were to tell his son he was a fat, stinkin’ drunk. The same episode reveals that Francis is actually not Peter’s real father, as Peter’s mother took a vacation in Ireland and had an affair with Mickey McFinnigan. Francis appears as a ghost to remind Peter that he is a fat, stinkin’ drunk, just like his father, and that motivates Peter to prove to Mickey that his is, in fact, Peter’s father.

7. Diane Simmons - Introduced in the beginning of the series as the Channel 5 Action News coanchor next to Tom Tucker, the pair started having fun and witty banter during their news segments. As the series progressed, however, their back-and-forth has become more hostile. In “And Then There Were Fewer,” she was the mastermind behind all the murders at James Woods’s dinner party, including Woods himself, Stephanie, Pricilla, Derek Wilcox, and Muriel Goldman. She was close to killing Lois too, before Stewie shoots Diane from a distance, causing her to fall to her death off the cliff into the rocks below. Stewie then declares that if anyone was gonna “take that bitch down,” it’d be him, as only he had the right to kill Lois.

8. Jonathan Weed - Peter’s old boss back at the Happy Go Lucky Toy Factory. He’s a boss first, and friend second. He fires Peter for negligence in the pilot after the latter shows up to work with a hangover. Of course, like all cartoons, when the main character loses their job, they end up getting it back in the end of the episode. Up until the Griffins invite Mr. Weed to dinner and end up getting Peter an upcoming promotion. The shock of the news causes Brian to choke on a dinner roll, and after having the Heimlich maneuver performed in him, the roll flies into Weed’s throat, causing him to choke to death. His death causes the toy factory to be demolished in his will, eliminating Peter’s job.

9. Doug- Hot take time: I NEVER cared for Doug. He was introduced as another toddler voiced by a mature man, who would share a few back-and-forth banters with Stewie, until the writers decided to make them rivals, because clearly we need another rivalry with a main character. It’s not like we already have Peter and Ernie, Peter and Carter, and Brian and Quagmire. Their rivalry reaches an all time high when they both run for an election for their daycare’s snack captain. Stewie ends up winning because he has revealed at the end of “The Candidate” that Doug has died in a commuter plane crash. He was a smug asshole and I’m indifferent to the fact that he died.

10. Muriel Goldman - Mort’s wife and Neil’s mother, both she and Mort were introduced when Meg ended up kissing Neil, and like all cartoons, the parents have to look EXACTLY identical to their kid! She was one of the last victims of Diane’s killing spree. Turns out she was not exactly missed by Neil. Or Mort for that matter. The only thing the latter missed about her was the fact that they were married.

#familyguy

[idiosyncraticrednebula]

Y’all mind if I ramble about my OC bullshit on my tags?

#oc stuff #text #y'all i have had this text post on my draft for like 7 fucking hours so i have all the rights in the world to ramble as much as i can #y'all are my followers so i can tell y'all anything i want because why the fuck not #so the thing is this: the story ends in a fucking tragedy #and i mean the story before the other one #the one that focuses on the angsty lady knight and her adventures with her knight peers #because she becomes evil and shit like. she turns into a drastically different person. all hope is seemingly lost #she stays all alone after that. the only fucker she trusted her (handsome prince) fucking died #do princes die in fairy tales? i don't think that's common i thought of him as sort of a prince of a fairy tale but also like a cool and #charismatic dude y'know????? #but like yeah he does indeed die. did i mention that before? i don't think so and if i already have then oop- #nothing wrong with sharing that twice #and after his death a lot of fucking chaos happens #his father pretty much kills himself 3 years later and his mother dies from health complications that are very linked to both of their #demises. the only ones left are the sisters at that point. these poor women suffer a fucking lot after their baby brother's death #they take it upon themselves to keep his legacy alive as well as their parents's #cuz they loved that mf that's why they teased him so much #and the lady knight turned villain pretty much suffers from deep depression after that #she also thought she lost her daughter forever so that made it even worse for her #so like it gets real depressing after that. nothing is the same anymore #also this story is meant to somewhat reflect the '60s so that's why there's gonna be some.....decline. like in the '60s and '70s #the daughter is meant to represent the gen-x while her parents are the silent generation #so yeah it's depression all around fuck yeah #and she also takes a dude one year older than her daughter under her tutelage and her becomes a disciple/pupil of hers #he becomes an assassin basically. a weapon for her and her only #he also resembles her dead husband a bit so that is a huge coincidence in the universe

[orsuliya]

Alright! Time for part 3 of married!Awu/XQ headcanons. This time? It’s all about the children!

There is nothing unplanned about Awu’s second pregnancy. The subject of children comes up again not long after Awu reunites with Xiao Qi after the so-called death of the latter. Their days in Ningshuo may be filled with the hustle and bustle of preparing for the upcoming march on the capital, but evenings and nights? Those are for holding each other close in search of comfort and reassurance. If not for that, Awu would scarcely have the strength to let Xiao Qi out of her eyesight during those first days and weeks.

During one of those quiet Ningshuo evenings Awu finally breaks. She has had to be strong for so long, all the while half-believing she would never be allowed the luxury of being weak in her husband’s arms again, that even now it takes time for her to let go and simply cry. When tears finally do come out, so do all of Awu’s past fears, leaving her one by one in an unstoppable torrent. Fear for those reliant on her, for the orphaned country and for her own fate; all of those are carefully listened to and soothed with words, silent affection and sense of complete togetherness.

One of those fears? Had you died, had you truly left me alone, what would I have of you for all the years to come? she asks, her voice muffled, her face pressed into her husband’s neck. There is a good reason why she was prepared to die after exacting her revenge. Far too many sleepless nights in Hulan had been spent imagining the long, dreary years of her widowhood. Ten, twenty, thirty years of loneliness, seeing her nephews and nieces being born and then growing up, with nothing, not even her husband’s sword to put in that bloody chapel; would that have been her fate?

She hits him – not too hard, but hard enough for it to be more than a playful tap – when he says that, in time, she would remarry and find happiness again. Would you?! she demands angrily, then softens, once she reads the answer in his eyes. A man should take responsibility from the beginning to the end. Not even a bloody sword to be mounted on the family altar, she laughs tiredly. You owe me, my Prince Yuzhang, you owe me and I shall be your most merciless creditor. Give me a child with your smile, one with your hands and eyes, she demands, pressing insistent kisses to that smile, to those hands and eyes, and then and only then will I consider myself satisfied.

He would, you know, he would have given her a dozen children if that were only possible, but surely she must know that it is not, it can never be in this lifetime. Awu can have anything else for the payment of his debt; he knows he owes her and will give her all that she may wish for that she does not already own. She wants children? Fine, she may have all the orphans in Ningshuo for the raising, if that will bring her joy. But he doesn’t, can never regret putting her health above all else and would give her five more miracle flowers if he had to…

Yes, Awu finally shuts her husband up, unable to take any more of this lethal sincerity. How? Well, the exact method I shall leave to your imagination, but the gist of it is as follows: Xiao Qi is not getting off that easily. They can and will have that child. How? Well, Awu might have plotted with Doctor Shen towards that goal and it will work this time. Maybe not now, maybe it will take another few months or years of fiery needles, but it’s not like they are in hurry. There is no way Awu will agree to have a child in the middle of a civil war, so her husband should really get on with restoring peace in all Cheng. Not right now! In the morning should be soon enough.

____________________________________

It does take some time, first to restore peace and then for Awu to actually get pregnant. In the meantime, she does take all the orphans in Ningshuo as an advance on that debt, not to mention their first son and daughter, Xiaohe and Qinzhi.

Doctor Shen, who – struck with a sudden premonition – had moved to Ningshuo among much grumbling and trembling over the contents of his priceless apothecary, is rewarded with the dubious honour of playing witness to Xiao Qi’s complete meltdown. The first thing our brave general does upon hearing of his wife’s pregnancy is to hug her and refuse to let go for a good while, not that she protests. The second thing? He panics like he’s never panicked before. Doctor Shen comes upon his noble patron, well, not hyperventilating, we’re talking about Xiao Qi here, remember. But certainly in throes of a good old anxiety attack. It’s… an experience for the good doctor, that’s for sure.

Thankfully Doctor Shen manages to talk Xiao Qi out of his wildest ideas. Like, for example, shutting Awu in her rooms in the middle of Ningshuo Fortress and standing guard over her until the baby is born. Yeah, that was not Xiao Qi’s proudest moment. Doctor Shen promises not to tell anyone of this sudden bout of unreasonable behaviour and keeps his word… for about three days, when he gladly throws Xiao Qi under the bus in order to ensure Awu’s full compliance with his own, medically justified safety measures.

Mind you, even Doctor Shen cannot work miracles, which he comes to bitterly regret in those next few months. Panicked Xiao Qi and worried Turnip Wang make for a truly hellish duo and Ningshuo soon experiences a steady trickle of accomplished doctors from the capital. Some of them have clearly been dragged out of their comfortable practices under duress, for others it’s quite an adventure. The latter soon find themselves put to work; no use in simply standing around and deliberating over a stunningly healthy woman when there are actual patients in need to be seen to!

____________________________________

Awu considers Xiao Qi’s debt fully repaid the moment she sees her son smile for the first time. Xiao Qi, an overachiever that he is, doesn’t quite agree… and a few years later they try for another child; this time it’s a daughter. One - as Xiao Qi likes to brag - as beautiful as her mother and isn’t it lucky that he has an army fit to guard the greatest treasures in all Cheng? Awu thinks that it would serve him right should Treasure the Younger marry an officer of that very army in the future. She doesn’t, by the way, but that is an entirely different story.

The children are named Yunshuo and Yunning, which is a reason of much good-natured teasing. Even among the children themselves. Yunning, once she grows to an age when she starts to assert her dominance, insists that really, her brother should listen to her in all things. He may be older in years, that much is true, but Ning always comes before Shuo, everybody knows that!

Jinruo’s words come true after all: Xiao Yunning is Awu’s tiny copy, only, according to Awu herself, twice as bossy and confident. Xiao Qi never questions this claim, at least not out loud, but Uncle Asu has no such qualms and immediately provides a good half-dozen stories to that effect. Now, Yunning has every chance to grow up spoiled with a mother who applauds her strong character, a father who might seem strict, yet folds like wet paper at the first sight of a trembling lip and a whole bunch of playmates only too easily coaxed into following her commands. And she very well might have... if not for one Hu Yao (who is alive and you won’t convince me otherwise, ha!). The younger Hu, a true Ningshuo legend, enjoys great authority among recruits and veterans both; she proves a match for a head-strong girl like Yunning, although only barely. No, Hu Yao’s pupil doesn’t become a general in her own right, choosing another path instead… but she keeps up with her training in the years to come.

Xiao Yunshuo, affectionately called Xiao Xiao, is no warrior in the making, being of a rather gentle disposition, something that he never grows out of, for all that this gentle disposition later turns out to hide a character of pure steel. Oh, make no mistake, Yunshuo is perfectly competent with weapons and on horseback, but it is not something that comes naturally to him, nor does he find much joy in fighting. This becomes blatantly obvious once he starts advanced training. Every child under Awu’s care is taught enough to be able to defend themselves or know when to run away, but nobody is forced to persist with military training, should they not wish to. Yunshuo persists all the same, making continuous progress. It’s only natural that he does: he’s rather frighteningly smart, that boy, and he works hard.

A bit too hard, as it turns out. Xiao Qi becomes suspicious of his son’s behaviour and makes sure to ‘accidentally’ come upon one of Yunshuo’s solitary and completely unsanctioned training sessions. Why, he asks and becomes rather angry once the truth starts coming out. No, not with Yunshuo. With himself, for not preventing this whole issue from existing in the first place. See, Yunshuo thinks it shameful that he, the firstborn and only son of Prince Yuzhang, the greatest general and warrior Cheng has had for generations, will never be able to become a worthy successor to his famous father. No, nobody has said anything, but Yunshuo is not stupid, he knows what he is and is not capable of!

Xiao Qi takes a minute to consider his next words carefully. In the end, he tells the truth: when he was a bit older that Yunshuo is now, he had no valuable skills, no education, no family and no real hope for the future. Signing up for an army was pretty much the easiest choice to make for somebody who didn’t really have all that much to live for. Killing people? Is not that difficult. All it takes is a good sharpened sword and some basic training. Learning to protect people, well, that was a bit harder; took Xiao Qi some years and a lot grief and pain to master that. Everything else – building a true home, making peace for yourself and everybody else, and creating a lasting, better future? That’s Awu’s forte and her work. There is no shame in having different skills, explains Xiao Qi. Find what you do best and make sure that it is of use to somebody. That’s it. Whatever Yunshuo’s skills, as long as at the end of the day he is be ready to use them to protect what is dear to him, he will be a warrior in his father’s eyes.

Xiao Yunshuo takes his father’s words to heart and, when the time comes, relays them to his own children. He never becomes a one man army, for all that he takes care not to let his skill with weapons go to rust. He does, however, become a great lord and statesman, and a startlingly brilliant strategist to boot; his advice is greatly appreciated by his older brother, the brave General Xiao Xiaohe… as well as by his brother-in-law, the Emperor of Cheng himself.

In Ningshuo, despite all his merits and great dignity, Xiao Yunshuo stays Xiao Xiao long, long after becoming a father himself.

____________________________________

Xiao Yunning is widely held by the ministers of Cheng to be the cause for at least a quarter of their grey hair. And all because of one rather tiny, if rather infamous deed. Okay, maybe not that tiny… But it is not Yunning’s fault that Xiao Qi had made such an impression on a bunch of delicate noblemen over twenty years earlier!

Once His Imperial Majesty, one Ma Jing, successfully negotiates puberty, it becomes a matter of national importance to supply him with a wife of appropriate station, character, beauty and fertility, the first and the last being the most important, of course. The true war over who will become the Empress of Cheng does not start until His Imperial Majesty becomes a fully-grown man; that is not until the Prime Minister’s eldest daughter comes of age. Having another Wang Empress is seen as inevitable by many; others are rather eager to see the streak of Wang Empresses die a final death. The idea of courting a foreign princess gets briefly thrown around and then soundly rejected. It’s a pity that all of His Majesty’s marriageable cousins with even a drop of Ma blood have the same family name, says somebody who sounds suspiciously like a true Classist Wei. For a moment there is complete silence as the thoughts of everyone present turn to the one cousin who is neither a Ma or a Wang.

See, Xiao Qi and Awu could easily make their daughter an Empress… if they thought that it would make her happy. They have nothing against Jing’er, why, he’s a beloved nephew to them both and they have taken a good measure of his character during the time he spent in Ningshuo, which amounts to a good couple of years. If they were to be honest, Yunning could use a husband this good-natured and conciliatory, and Jing’er would do well with an Empress of Yunning’s strength of character. There is also the matter of a rather touching childhood crush… but since Yunning herself has nothing but derogatory words for this whole imperial marriage mart mess, there is nothing to be done. Nothing to be done at all, as Xiao Qi quite readily assures his brother-in-law, adding that being an Empress is not an easy fate and one that he would not wish on anybody. Asu, long-used to not truly understanding Xiao Qi’s ambitions or rather the lack thereof, takes this assurance on its merits and goes back to planning his own daughter’s imperial wedding.

Rather surprisingly it’s Jing’er who becomes the greatest obstacle to Asu’s dynastic plans. Somehow he never really says no… but no mercenary father can ever pin him long enough to force him to say yes to any of the myriad of candidates. This stand-off lasts for some time, to Xiao Qi’s quiet amusement and Turnip’s frustration. Awu, on the other hand, becomes rather pensive, although she refuses to share her suspicions with anybody. It’s not like she has any proof…

...until her daughter provides her with all the proof she could have ever wished for.

The day another group of potential candidates is to be presented at court, Xiao Yunning pulls a Xiao Qi, causing many a minister to relieve their old trauma. Yes, she marches into the throne room accompanied by six of her companions, most of which do rather poorly at concealing weapons under their dresses. Yes, she climbs the stairs without as much as a by-your-leave. Yes, she does all of that while wearing clothing in a colour appropriate for the occasion. In this case? Wedding red. The main difference is that Ma Jing is a much wiser Emperor than Ma Zitan and grants Yunning’s petition immediately and with good grace.

The reason why Yunning did what she did, leaving Jing’er with no choice but to accept her suit? Well, that childhood crush might have been rather more than a crush. Really, Yunning would have had it in the bag the day of her coming-of-age ceremony, were His Imperial Majesty not such a noble bore. I cannot condemn you to carry this burden with me before you really know what you want, he said, every word disgustingly noble and self-sacrificial. You are not somebody who can be caged, so go and spread your wings and I shall wait for you for as long as it takes, he offered in a rather suspiciously bland tone of voice. Really, one could almost believe that Jing’er actually bought into that silly rumour that Xiao Qi requires every prospective son-in-law to fight him with live steel. Which, by the way, is not true. He only ever fought two rather persistent young lordlings who couldn’t understand that Qinzhi’s no means no.

Everything ends rather well for all interested parties, although Turnip keeps grumbling about having an unfairly deceitful brother-in-law. Awu quickly shuts him down, if only to get in her own portion of shameless teasing. See, if Xiao Qi wanted to avoid such situations, then he should have given his children a better example. This quickly devolves into a round of Yuzhang-style teasing, which prompts a stark realization from Xiao Yunning. She might be the Empress-to-be now, but even being thrice an Empress would still give her no power to stop her parents from being a pair of embarrassing old people in love. Jing’er, ever the conciliator, shows his diplomatic skill by proposing that she might have her revenge… by being one half of a pair of embarrassing young people in love.

The Wang Princess of that generation, a rather lovely and wise young woman by the name of Wang Xu, is not all that sad about losing a chance at the throne. Why, her tastes were always rather specific and in general ran more to generals than delicate young nobles. Now, this Xiao Xiaohe looks like an interesting specimen and certainly worthy of taking a closer look, should one be in-market for a pet general of one’s own...

#Awu and XQ headcanon time #I am losing the plot and all my dignity to boot #who cares not me #I have some very naughty headcanons about big hands and pregnant bellies #but that is best left to an adult-only edition #I am always open to inspiring asks wink-wink #which may come one day who knows #monarch industry #the rebel princess

[dreamingofscully]

7x02. “The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati” (part 3 of 3) - X-Files Rewatch

“Scully, I was like you once-- I didn't know who to trust. Then I... I chose another path... another life, another fate, where I found my sister. The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down. There was one thing that remained the same. You... were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant... my touchstone.” - Mulder “And you are mine.” - Scully

Pretty long analysis. Let me know what you think of my interpretation of Mulder’s vision!

Mulder’s vision on the beach is the future in a vision/dream that doesn’t quite make sense to him yet. The couple represents him and Scully and William.

The future he wants, subverted by the vision given to him by CSM. It’s purpose: to make Mulder give up and abandon Scully.

Scully is THE ONLY THING separating Mulder from his destruction; whether that is the desertion of his quest through his complacency or his death. CSM wishes to make Mulder into his copy, not caring about anything except himself, but if he can’t have that he’ll settle for killing him.

Diana doesn’t care if Mulder chooses her of his own free will, just as long as she possesses him. She is unaware that CSM doesn’t care if Mulder dies until he tells her so, which makes her change her mind and give the tools to Scully to help him.

The only person who knows that Mulder and Scully are involved? Krycek. He has his hands everywhere, and keeps most of his knowledge to himself so he can take advantage of it in the future. Remember: CSM tried to kill Krycek. He’s working with him now only out of necessity, just waiting for an opportunity to get the upper hand. It’s not as simple as killing CSM, he wants him to suffer and he wants power. 

How can CSM read Mulder’s mind? Because he can’t. He’s giving this vision to Mulder as soon as he enters the room. The same way they make him sicker (Diana at Mulder’s apartment), they have some sort of technology to force a vision on him (I don’t know the exact mechanism, but I also can’t explain how they impart Mulder’s specialness to CSM through a brain operation, so...). When Diana says to Mulder in the last episode “Now we can be together” it indicates to me that there is a purpose to putting Mulder through the dream he is experiencing.

CSM as Mulder’s father. This would throw Mulder off. He wants to trust people and is susceptible to being manipulated because of it. Perhaps there is a small part of Mulder that believes CSM might have good intentions because he thinks he is his father.

Scully sleeping at Mulder’s desk, awakened by Kritschgau. She has her notes on the computer, so I’ll assume she also has the diary she was writing. Kritschgau threatens Scully, like that’s going to stop her from doing everything to help Mulder.

Mulder’s true vision comes back again, and it’s the first time we see the boy. IT’S WILLIAM. The future, again. Interrupted by CSM.

CSM gets Mulder to think he’s dying, that there’s little to be gained by returning. His first thought is to contact Scully, but CSM claims she’ll be in danger. Why doesn’t he return? He doesn’t return because of the chance that what CSM is telling him is correct, and because he wants to see what the purpose of all of this is. Mulder’s guilt plays heavily in this decision as well: he’s always felt responsible for the things that happened to Scully and that he doesn’t deserve Scully, now he has a chance to do something that will, perhaps, make her safer. It’s easy for him to give up what makes him happy when he feels like he’s doing what’s right. Also, if Mulder is anything, he’s curious. He wants to explore what it is that CSM is showing him before abandoning it. By this exploration, however, he tacitly accepts this dream and it unfolds before him.

Scully has another vision. She is the spiritual tether, the only thing that keeps Mulder from completely abandoning himself for the vision. Hosteen was the one responsible for bringing Mulder back from the brink of death in “The Blessing Way”, so now he confers that responsibility to Scully. The importance of bringing him back “for the sake of us all”. More allusions to the tragedy that will befall humanity if Mulder were to abandon his quest. 

Mulder’s mother seems to be involved. It COULD be a shapeshifter alien, but I think if she thought that this was the only way to keep him alive she would go along with CSM’s plans.

“I felt responsible for your death.” - Mulder “You can let that go.” - Deep Throat

Lulling Mulder with absolution. He doesn’t have to be the martyr. He doesn’t have to FEEL. Letting go of his guilt means giving EVERYTHING up, the good along with the bad.

Mulder's forced vision keeps getting interrupted by his true dreams, by his connection to Scully (in the form of William). The message is to keep trying, to persist, to FIGHT AND NOT GIVE UP.

His vision with Diana and the handcuff symbolism. She releases him which implies that now he is ‘free’ but in reality he is only shackled by his choice to forget and give up. A sense of freedom exists in forgetting all the tragedy that came before this, in living another life instead, starting over. He can have everything (his sister, perceived happiness), but in order to do so he receives nothing, he must live a lie. Perfection only in a complete lack of feeling, numbness. If you can’t be hurt, you cannot feel joy either.  

Scully confronting Diana. FUCK YES. Diana’s argument is incredibly stupid. “Oh yeah? Well I may have betrayed him but at least I didn’t not prevent it!!” What? (Remember, she doesn’t have any idea about the nature of Mulder & Scully’s relationship yet.)

“I just want you to think. Think of Mulder when you met him. Think of the promise and the life in front of him. Think of him now. And then try and stand there in front of me, look me in the eye and tell me Mulder wouldn't bust his ass trying to save you.” - Scully

Love Scully’s counter-argument (even though it’s like she’s debating a two-year-old, she could say anything and fucking win). Making it about Mulder. Reminding Diana the reasons WHY she wants to possess him so badly, that she is turning him into something else, and the point of it all will be lost. The fucking spine it takes for her to acknowledge that Diana did love him at one point. Again, she’s not jealous anymore, she knows where she stands with him.

Mulder’s final vision of the boy. He finished his project but is now destroying it. Mulder is destroying all the work, and the progress he’s made over the years. For nothing (LITERALLY nothing - emptiness, hollowness and superficiality).

Following, and directly linked to, Scully’s vision. Part 2 of Albert Hosteen. Again, emphasizing her spiritual connection to Mulder. Needing to look for him through her heart. “There are more worlds than the one you can hold in your hand.” This links the spiritual with the unexplainable things she can hardly stand to believe in, not yet anyway. This is one of her first steps towards belief, to acknowledging the fantastical as truth. She’s not ready to believe fully, but she does have faith.

When Scully prays, we see Mulder on his deathbed. Hearing about all the deaths of those around him, but the only one that affects him is Scully’s. The only one who matters. The symbol of all he’s given up. Not only did he walk away from his guilt, but he walked away from his love and from the truth.

Scully comes to him as she is in reality, representing the truth instead of a fantasy. Mulder isn’t really dying, this vision is fake. She wakes him from his comfortable dream, always tells him the truth even if it’s uncomfortable. ALWAYS.

Scully at the DOD. She told Mulder in his vision that he’d been lulled to sleep, he’d been living a lie, living a shallow existence. She wakes him with her tears and her kiss, her emotional pleas. A return to reality and all the beauty and ugliness that living in this world means. 

Mulder’s “You... help... me.” Finally. The help he’s needed, she gives. Through her spiritual journey (visions through Albert Hosteen) and through her strict adherence to finding the truth and standing up for what’s right (confronting Diana).

One Week Later…

Scully’s been caring for Mulder while he’s been recovering, staying at his place. She’s been filling him in on everything she saw, going over the notes she gathered, but until this moment she hasn’t let herself consider the implications. She’s been on auto-pilot, happy to have him back and worried about his health. She returns to him the morning before her first day back at work. 

Mulder knows how much this confirmation of his beliefs leaves her shaken and confused. He also knows her and what she’s afraid of. He saw into her mind for a brief period, knows the shining truth of her intentions. He can wait for her, just happy she’s there with him. KNOWING that this is the right path, guilt and all.

Mulder’s words are just… so him. No simple “I love you”’s for this fellow. They are each others’ anchor, the most important and guiding force in their lives. Mulder has been dealing with his guilt for so long, and while he still has it and will always carry that with him, he realizes that he can’t just move on. The guilt serves as a reminder, and to forget it would mean forgetting all the good as well.

And... the gazing, the lingering kiss and her fingers grazing tenderly over his lips. So plAToniC. 

She leaves because she’s going to work. I’m envisioning Mulder calling out before she gets onto the elevator, asking her to come back later. Scully’s like “haven’t I always?”

The last vision Mulder has, of him and the boy working together, finishing their project. He’s on the right path. Their connection is stronger than ever, now. ❤️

#xfiles #x-files #x-files rewatch #x files rewatch #msr #msrheadcanon #mulder and scully #fox mulder #dana scully #season 7

[pricechecktranslations]

OSS: Crime; Chapter 3-Project “Ma” -Adam-

Original Sin Story: Crime infomine under the cut 

Scene 1

Just a reference to the song—Project “Ma” was a failure, yada yada.

Scene 2

From a young age Adam has had primarily two strong emotions: Loneliness and anger at the world.

When he was tossed in a river as a baby, a whale took him into its mouth and deposited him at the coast, where he was found by a fisherman. The only thing he had on him was a small bottle he was carrying. A piece of parchment inside read “Adam Moonlit”—so they assumed that was his name. He lived a relatively peaceful life for about five years, though he doesn’t remember that time well.

One night, his home (I think this may have been the orphanage he mentioned) was destroyed in a tsunami (killing a whole bunch of people, possibly the other orphans). Adam somehow survived off of beached fish, making a crude home out of rubble. Every so often, the white whale that saved him (though he didn’t have any way of remembering that) would appear to keep him from being too lonely.

One day, Adam asks the whale’s name, and he hears it reply (it doesn’t show what the whale says, noting Adam could be hallucinating), learning its name is Catherine (katoriinu). He keeps talking to the whale, thinking of it as his mother (and then there’s this heartbreaking part where he’s just asking it questions, which devolve into demands to know why he’s alone and abandoned). Adam does not grow up well.

Scene 3

Adam, armed with a harpoon, reacts with hostility when Horus (who wears glasses) shows up before him one day (I think he is still five at this point, or perhaps six), as most of the people who show up are hostile to him and steal from him. Horus isn’t bothered and tells him to relax. He says he is here to adopt Adam on the orders of his mother. Excited, Adam gets into the carriage with him.

Just then, Catherine pops out of the ocean and calls to him in his head, saying that Horus is lying and won’t reunite him with his mother. Horus says that Adam is being tricked by Catherine, as she is a familiar of Held (who is, of course, still viewed as an evil god). She can’t deny that she used to be a forest spirit (a small fish one), which enrages Adam.

He throws his harpoon, and it strikes her. She tries to say something to him to calm him down, but he cuts her off, ranting about how it’s obvious she isn’t really his mother. Horus and Adam leave her, and head to the capital.

Scene 4

Of course, Horus says Adam can’t see his mother immediately. So he ends up living with Horus in the research facility (I guess it has living quarters for the both of them?). Eventually Adam becomes Horus’ adopted son. He would always brush it off as Adam needing to study more, to work harder, as he can’t meet with her as he is now. Adam believes him because Horus is very persuasive.

Adam doesn’t feel like a human being the way that he’s raised. He gets only what he needs in terms of food and clothing, and is only allowed to leave the facility when Horus orders him to go shopping—he doesn’t want for things like knowledge and shelter (all he does is study, really) but he is severely deprived emotionally.

When Adam grows up he becomes more persistent in asking about his mother, but Horus only says it’s not time yet. Horus becomes older and weaker, and ends up relying more and more on apprentices. Adam ends up working with them more.

Scene 5

Adam only learns his mother’s identity when Horus is almost on his deathbed (interesting note: Horus refers to his body as an “inferior good”). Horus tells Adam to take over as institute director in his stead, which Adam agrees to.

Adam asks why Horus adopted him, thinking that he merely lied about knowing his mother. That’s when Horus reveals that Alice Merry-go-Round’s true name is Maria Moonlit (note—whoever becomes queen of Levianta receives a new name and has their past identity sealed by the senate. It does not say that every single one has been named Alice, but imo that would fall in line with the whole “alice has always been queen” thing in the OSSCE crossfade).

Horus explains the situation—that Maria didn’t want to get rid of Adam, but that it was all Miroku’s fault, and that furthermore he has turned Maria into his puppet using the brainwashing drug Venom (which he claims was made through collaboration with Horus’ “greatest apprentice”, Seth, who he says will probably show up in person at some point later on).

Horus has put a notebook full of names and locations in a drawer—these are his allies, those who wish to overthrow Miroku. Adam has a million questions, but before he can ask them Horus goes to leave—he has decided that when he dies, he will be alone. Adam never sees him again.

Scene 6

There are roughly ten other researchers at the institute—none of them object to Adam taking over, given Horus has been training him since he was young. Adam is a prodigy, and he has a keen interest in researching the legacy pieces (while at the same time upset that the research is being used for political squabbles).

One day Gammon visits the institute, claiming to be looking for Horus. Adam figures that he’s probably dead, and just wanted to die alone in peace, especially given the state of his health when he vanished. Adam then reveals that he knows Gammon was one of Horus’ collaborators in his secret revolutionary efforts. Of course, it wouldn’t look good for either of them if it got out.

Adam isn’t sure what side he wants to be on. He both respected and hated Horus. But for now he would like for them to look out for each other (sort of blackmailing him into it). Then he offers to get him some coffee. From then on they develop a sort of uneasy allyship.

Gammon is the eldest son of the Loop Octopus family, but he was cast out of being the heir due to being born without magic (wasn’t treated well by his family, basically). He became skilled with guns and swords due to fervent study, and worked his way up to being head of the security division.

He also has purple prophetic dreams, which he admits to Adam while they’re drinking at a bar one day. He is an inheritor of Rahab—all Loop Octopus members are, to some extent (this implies that there may be differences in the strength of inheritor powers between individuals). He says that because his family can foresee the future, this means that a queen (who is only important because she can tell the future via divine revelation) is not necessary. Note also that Adam has not told Gammon he’s Maria’s son.

This leads to a lot of speculating and reflection on Adam’s part (on if Gammon intends to rule the country, the possibility of someone who does not have divine revelation being in charge, whether the gods are even worth revering in the first place, etc). He starts to think that maybe the country should go back to being a kingdom with a hereditary ruler—that this would end the power struggles among the senate. And of course, Adam is a great candidate for king.

Gammon interrupts Adam’s thoughts to bring up that his father is very cunning. So much so that if, hypothetically, the real queen died twenty years ago (as she hasn’t shown herself to the public in that long), no one would have found it out. Miroku was, himself, the one who established the rule that only the head of the senate can interact with her.

Adam dismisses the idea—Horus told him Miroku was manipulating her with drugs. He’d have no reason to kill her. Either way, though, Miroku is clearly the real power in charge of the country.

Gammon is sort of sprawled on the bar right now, drunk. Adam tries to wake him, and then he is suddenly approached by a new person. A man who looks identical to Horus, appearing to be the same age that Horus was when he first approached Adam on the coast all those years ago. He is Seth Twiright.

Scene 7

Adam has no proof that this is the real Seth Twiright, of course, but him looking identical to Horus is a pretty big deal. While he looks roughly the same age as Adam, Seth claims to be older, saying he studied under Horus long before he became head of the institute (roughly twenty years before, which would be about five years before Horus adopted Adam).

Seth claims he came to help now that his mentor is dead (and yet pretty much none of the other apprentices have even heard of him until now). Adam tries to brush him off, but Seth persists, sharing knowledge of the Next Queen Project—something only those involved are supposed to know about. This makes it clear that he does have a connection to Horus.

Seth clarifies that he isn’t Horus’ child or anything, despite them looking alike (he says they might have a distant relation or something).

Adam obviously can’t trust him given what Horus said, and it’s hard to read what Seth is after. But he’s a lead regarding Adam’s real mother, so he can’t just dismiss him. He lets Seth join the institute.

Seth is, like Horus, very persuasive and affable, and gets along well with the rest of the staff. He’s also just as brilliant, his assistance revitalizing the “Next Queen Project” which had come to a bit of a standstill after Horus’ death.

Seth is the one who brings them the “God Seed”, which is held in a small black box (Adam is examining it while Seth fiddles about with some of the machinery in the room). It’s a living liquid, Seth explaining that it was extracted from Sin, and that it is part of LeviaBehemo. Adam speculates that they can create people with magical power with this. He asks how Seth got his hands on it, and Seth says he was allowed below the temple by Miroku due to being an old friend of his (he did not go through the Glass Hallway, but rather a different route, and claims to have never met the queen himself).

While Seth is just as interested in the legacy of the Second Period as Adam, his area of research isn’t machinery so much as living things (biotechnology, basically). Adam asks him about his knowledge of drugs—Seth eventually tells him to stop beating around the bush, as it’s clear he’s asking about Venom.

Seth explains that there were once people who were Inheritors of Levia, and that they were able to manipulate people’s minds. They have all died off, but Seth claims he found the grave of one such inheritor. He took the body back to his home, experimented on it, and at the end of this experimentation and analysis he produced Venom. He then analyzed his success and devised a recipe to make Venom with—but then says that he never used it, because it’s outside of his interests.

Adam wonders why (it seems he was commissioned to make it, but Seth doesn’t look like he’s interested in things like money or power).

Scene 8

The Project “Ma” stuff starts one year after Horus went missing. This chapter is basically a reflection on Adam’s motives (how he is empty inside and is doing all these things to try and fill that emptiness, how he blames Miroku for not being able to live a normal life with a family that loved him, how he wants to control Levianta’s future by making his own puppet queen, etc).

He will fill the hole in his heart. If it’s for that, he will even become evil.

Scene 9

Adam goes to get Gammon to collaborate with him. He reveals that he is Maria’s son (though he has no proof), and tells Gammon that if it works he will become the next head of the senate. Adam plans to have the next queen change the laws so that succession will be hereditary again—and as the son of the former queen, Adam will become king.

Gammon doubts that’ll work well, but Adam says that if he becomes king, Gammon will become the new prime minister. Gammon points out that it’ll be the next queen’s relatives who will be in line for succession, not Adam, to which Adam says he’ll just marry the next queen. And her children will be the Twins of God—no one would object to them being next in line for the throne.

Adam also reveals that he has mixed his own genes in the Divine Seed that he’ll be using for Project Ma, so that those children will also be related to him.

Adam prepares to kill Gammon if he refuses, but Gammon agrees. He too is dissatisfied with the current state of affairs. And he also had a purple dream about Adam. But he doesn’t say what it was about.

Scene 10

Through Gammon’s contacts, Adam is able to get the recipe for Venom. He is also able to get his hands on Miroku’s journal. Though, it’s really more of a memo pad used to secretly write down Miroku’s private thoughts (and as such, it’s very scattered and brief, providing little detail on what its entries are referring to).

In brief: Miroku discovering Maria’s children and having a young retainer throw them in the river. The queen freaks out, and has to be quieted down. Miroku thought he killed the servant to keep the secret safe but this guy shows up again. Miroku decides to keep him around, as he’s useful. The servant makes Venom—evidently, this person was Seth, though it doesn’t say his name. Miroku drugs the queen and then Ceci Vaju as well, saying that when he is dead he will inherit what he leaves behind.

This next part—I can guess what it means based on something I glimpsed in Seth’s chapter but I don’t want to say outright in case I’m wrong, so…Miroku’s notes become scrambled—basically saying first that he’s had dreams (purple ones) then amending that they are prophecies, and, I quote, “I am Alice/Queen Merry-Go-Round”. His notes then detail the Project Ma prophecy.

There’s more that isn’t shared. The only thing Adam can glean from it is that what Horus told him about Miroku is true, and that what Gammon suggested in his drunken stupor might not be total nonsense.

Scene 11

Adam reflects on what he’s learned—Seth was the one who tossed him in the river, and he has (or had, at least) a twin sibling. He figures he’ll need to put some restrictions on Seth—now that he has Venom, he no longer has a use for him.

Adam has received information on a potential Ma candidate—Meta Salmhofer. Gammon warns him against recruiting her, as she’s a member of Apocalypse. Adam points out that one of their founders, Raiou Zvezda, is listed as one of Horus’ collaborators. Though it was different when Raiou founded it (evidently they weren’t a terrorist organization then), and he has since ditched it.

Even leaving aside the matter of Apocalypse, given that Meta is Pale’s girlfriend it’s unlikely she’s a virgin.

Gammon is against going to fetch Meta, as it would be dangerous. Adam, on the other hand, sees it as an opportunity for Seth to die in an “unfortunate accident”,

Of course, the plan was a miserable failure. Basically, Adam planned for Seth to be in one spot that would be attacked, while all the other researchers were safe. But instead the researchers were in the danger zone, and Seth was safe. Adam’s not sure how that happened. And all Seth has to say about it is that they better do their best just the two of them from now on (Seth seems a bit happy-go-lucky, really).

Scene 12

And so, Adam meets Eve, someone who would be perfect to manipulate. He didn’t plan for everything that happened—the fight with the White Army, Meta attacking Nemu (she was likely looking to punish Raiou for his desertion)—but ultimately, he was able to get Eve to the capital. He drugged her with Venom by mixing it into her coffee.

Even with the drug, getting her to like him was a little tricky—he wasn’t charming like Seth and Horus. But he tended to her needs, spent time with her, was understanding, etc. Fortunately, Seth didn’t pop into the lab much due to his recovery, so he wouldn’t catch on that Adam was using Venom.

He and Gammon are drinking in a bar, and he’s complaining about women (kind of typical “why are women so hard to understand blah blah blah”). Being the perfect boyfriend is stressful. He’d like to have Gammon switch roles with him (I think he’s drunk), but Gammon evidently already has a wife and kid(s). Gammon also thinks they make a good couple, and that Eve would like him even without the Venom. Adam cuts him off, saying their being a couple is just for the plan.

He shifts the conversation to Vaju. Apparently they’re waiting for him to die (he is getting sickly) before they move ahead, so that if Eve becomes queen it doesn’t appear to be solely Vaju’s work. Miroku is in a similar position—once Vaju dies, all of his stuff goes to Miroku (I guess because he doesn’t have an heir, so Miroku used the Venom to get him to make Miroku his heir). This includes the institute, so that he can continue being head of the Senate even if they produce a different queen.

Adam asks if Gammon has any hesitation over killing his father. But apparently there’s no love lost between them.

Basically—Gammon is all ready to overthrow the current government. The only reason he was waiting this long is because he didn’t have a lynchpin to pull it together. But Eve, once she’s queen, will be able to allow him to do as he pleases with restructuring the country.

Scene 13

The queen trial was Adam’s one chance to ascertain the queen’s condition, but of course Eve remembers almost nothing of it (which is to be expected). The moment Adam heard that Zelarana Zellana was dead, he started worrying about Eve. He’d been confident she’d succeed, but she isn’t back yet. He can’t go get her, though, because it might tip people off that they’re more than just scientist and patient.

He’s concerned for her, which surprises him, but denies his feelings as being for his plan’s success only.

Eve suddenly arrives, and he goes to hug her (again denying that it’s for anything other than his charade). She seems a little mad at him, but also doesn’t act on it.

Scene 14

Eve is impregnated with the God Seed, with twins. Now all that’s left is to wait for them to be born. Meanwhile, Vaju dies, leaving everything to Miroku.

Gammon is going to do his small rebellion after Eve becomes queen, and Miroku will get mixed up in it and die. Then Gammon will be captured, and executed for his crimes. This is what Adam’s real plan is regarding him.

Scene 15

Eve gets restless and mood-swingy as the due date approaches. Earlier she’d been scared all day, having dreamed that she saw a bear. Adam thinks this might be because she’d drunken too much Venom.

Seth hasn’t shown himself since Eve became pregnant. He hasn’t gone home either. Adam, fearing that Seth has cottoned on to the plan and will tell Miroku, increases surveillance on Miroku and has his people look harder for Seth.

Adam takes Eve out of the institute for a bit. She says she wants to go to the Western coast, to meet Adam’s “mother” (the whale). He hasn’t gone back since Horus picked him up—he wonders if she’s still there.

He picks a car that won’t sway much, and they arrive at the coast. They gaze at the ocean together, Adam glancing over at Eve and noting her simple beauty. He starts to wish that they had met in some other way, without all these plans and prophecies and such, before forcing himself to drop the thought.

Eve suddenly announces that she’s going to name the babies Cain and Abel, though when pressed she says that there’s no real meaning behind those names.

Right as they’re going to leave several hours later, Catherine calls out to Adam in his mind. She explains that her physical body is gone (not because he speared her with a harpoon, but because it was a natural end result of her leaving Held’s power). She is now part of the ocean.

She was once a small fish, but one day she rebelled against Held and left. Unlike the other spirits, she had fragments of her memory remaining from their past (her past of being one who served the creators of the world).

Apparently in Levianta they are taught that LeviaBehemo is the only true god, and all others are false gods. Catherine explains the whole deal about Levia and Behemo making humanity, and Held suggesting the gods merely watch over the world, etc. Catherine hadn’t agreed with this, which is why she left the forest. Her body became a large whale—this is what she wanted, but it also signified that she had lost the physical immortality that she had with Held. Hence why she’s invisible now.

Eve can’t hear Catherine, as a note.

Upon being asked, Adam tells Catherine that Eve is his wife, which pleases her. She’s also relieved to hear that Horus is dead, saying that he was dangerous. Adam apologizes for his anger when last they saw each other, and they part on good terms.

Scene 16

Eight months into the pregnancy, Eve is moved to Alicegrad. That way she can be attended on and also be under greater security. The due date is very close now.

Once Adam receives word that she’s in labor, he rushes to Alicegrad from the institute. The sun has gone down, and there are no stars or moon in the sky. He’s stopped before he can get in her room by a guard, who informs him only those assisting with the birth can get in (which apparently includes a priest). He does reassure Adam that she’s with the best doctor available—not Dr. Moreno, who drowned in a river the other day, but Seth Twiright (he doesn’t say it’s Seth, but it’s Seth).

The door opens. Adam sees Seth there, and also can’t hear the sound of babies crying. He had no information on Seth being a doctor in this regard—apparently his informants haven’t been telling him everything (Seth chides him for trusting them so much).

Adam pushes past Seth. Eve is fine, but the things she’s holding in her arms are not babies. They are darkish “things”. Eve is delusional, calling them her and Adam’s babies (despite the fact that she shouldn’t know Adam put some of his semen—yes it specifies semen—into the God Seed), thinking they’re alive.

Adam tries to get her to hand them over, but she freaks out. Enraged, Adam goes outside to see Seth smoking, initially assuming he was behind it. But Seth claims he did his best. He says the babies simply died while they were inside Eve’s womb.

Rather, he says that this was Adam’s fault, because he was doing something “extraneous” (being vague on what exactly Adam did that caused it). He calls him out, basically insulting him as a researcher, but also won’t tell Miroku what he was planning. He leaves Adam there (Seth just seems really amused it all went to crap).

Scene 17

Adam is drinking alone in the furthest corner of a bar when Gammon comes in and sits across from him. He says they’ll have to start again—find a new candidate, and deal with the traitor in their informants.

Eve is infertile now. And she’s gone mad. Adam speculates that her spirit was weak already, due to the drugging, and she lost it when the twins were born dead. She’s still following the delusion that she has children.

Gammon tries to get him to perk up—they still have plenty of time before the prophecy comes to pass. But Adam’s had enough—he’s giving up on everything, telling Gammon to go back to his original rebellion plans.

Of course, Gammon’s not liable to leave Adam as a loose end, so he figures he and Eve need to flee the capital together.

Scene 18

This is an internal monologue. Adam apologizes to his mother for failing to save her, not even knowing if she loved him or not. He’s tired of chasing his past, though. He also apologizes to Eve for what he’s done, realizing he does love her and wanting to go live in Held’s forest with her (a reference to the song, basically). He also wonders if Catherine might be able to find them there.

He loves Eve, even if that love is just a result of a brainwashing drug.

#ec activity feed #this chapter was so grim and intense that it sort of rolled into black comedy for me by the end #i am starting to think I know why mothy self-published this novel #meanwhile seth is fantastic and the infomine isn't doing him justice

[cxlvins]

...000. INTRODUCTION.

helloooo lovelies ! my name is evan (he/him), i’m twenty-two and from the gmt timezone ! i’m super excited for this to open because i’ve got so much muse right now. i’m down for any and all plots, seriously, i love plotting ! this is calvin, he’s an angry mess of a character, but he’s fun to play, so ! if you just wanna get to know the character, you can skip past the other sections and just focus on personality, i’ve also put some wanted connections in there too ! if you would like to plot, then either shoot me a message here or on discord (heterosexual? how vintage!#8600) or alternatively, like this post and i will message you !

caution: alcohol, drugs, mental health, death.

›› ✱ xavier serrano, cismale, he/him. you’ve met calvin marx, right? they’re around twenty-three and a twitch streamer. they’re all about thrift store clothing and the faint smell of cologne and cigarettes, hence why they’re known as the spitfire around town. everyone knows them to be pretty gregarious but i’ve heard they’re actually sort of volatile, too… don’t tell them i said that, okay?

...001. BRIEF HISTORY.

calvin grew up very underprivileged for the first 11 years of his life in brooklyn, ny.

his father died when he was 5 years old to a drug overdose, leading his mother became a single mother to him and his younger sister, essentially meaning that calvin had to grow up and be the ‘man of the house’ without having a choice.

because of her new single-mother status, calvins mother had to work 3 different jobs in order for the family to pay rent (a cleaner in mornings, a store assistant in the day and a bartender in the evenings), which meant she was rarely home and left calvin to raise both himself and younger sister.

from a very early age, it was apparent that calvin suffered from anger issues, dyslexia and adhd, constantly getting into fights at every opportunity, his complete inability to focus and never managing to make it through a week at school without a phone call home.

these issues remained untreated, due to his mother putting it down to the ‘boys will be boys’ ideology, and concluding that calvin was just an energetic one at that.

because of this, calvin fell into the wrong crowd pretty quickly and settled into his mindset that he was never going to achieve all that much anyway, because no matter how hard he tried, he could never score well on any test at school.

at the age of 9, calvins mother met, fell in love with and soon married a former client for whom she cleaned for.  calvins new step father was incredibly wealthy, due to being a successful franchisee and also being very largely into stock trading.

calvin, his sister and mother were all moved to his home in cherrybrooks, which calvin struggled to adjust to, as he missed his friends back north.

now having access to as much money as he want led him down an early path into experimenting with drugs and alcohol, which soon became a bad habit.

although he wanted to drop out of school, his new step-father would not allow it, which became a large source of conflict for the family over the course of the next few years.

failing to graduate high school at age eighteen, calvin couldn’t deal with living with his family any more and left the house to move into a small apartment, 30 minutes away, with a roommate (possibly a member of the clique).

calvins only real passions were for gaming and sport, and as he smoked and did way too many drugs to make it in any sporting profession, he turned his attention to twitch streaming. he began this pretty soon and built up a solid fanbase (which he wanted to call the marxists, but in calvins words, apparently some dead man already claimed that title).

...002. PERSONALITY.

calvin is a naturally angry person who can lose his cool and go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds, he rarely gives off signs that he is getting angry until he boils over, so people tend to watch what they say around him.

calvin is self-serving, his feelings will always come before those around him. although he is getting better at managing this, if something will result in calvin gaining something at the expense of somebody else, he will most likely go ahead with it.

calvin is not well educated, so he doesn’t tend to enjoy arguing with words, as he can never seem to find the ones to correctly express how he feels. instead, calvin is much more likely to act physically when something has irritated him (whether this be on a person or inanimate object).

calvin is an awful liar, he cannot lie to save his life as his face always tends to show when he doesn’t agree with an idea/opion/thought that somebody says. because of this, he is very outspoken, and will just say what he’s thinking regardless of if it’s going to hurt somebodies feelings. he’d rather upset them with the truth, than get caught out for lying.

calvin is an extrovert and gains energy from being around people - the more people the better, because of this, he has become a major party animal and loves attending any and all parties that is going on, despite if he’s fond of the hosts or not.

calvin is a heavy user of drugs, alcohol & cigarettes. this is primarily down to his naturally addictive personality and constant need to feel like he’s happy, so that he doesn’t get sad again. there will rarely be a day where he will not  be intoxicated in some way and he will have a cigarette at least once an hour – and that’s on a good day.

calvin is very much into sports. although not a natural athlete, nor somebody interested in playing sports competitively, calvin loves watching any and all sports, and he likes to play them when he can. due to his smoking habit, he can’t play sports for too long, but will always give it a good go.

similarly to this, calvin is very much into gaming. calvin loves fast-paced games, because they manage to keep his attention despite him not having a very long attention span. most games that he plays are first person shooters, and he’s usually the guy on the mic screaming when a teammate fucks up during online play. a big appeal to him was that games were the only thing he could focus his mind on as a child.

calvin is very much a boys boy, he genuinely abides by the bible of ‘ bros before hoes ‘ because he’s stupid.

calvin hates movies but loves tv, he finds that watching moves involves sitting still for too long, but tv allows him to take more breaks and keeps his interest for longer. although. he’d probably trade both of them for a chance to leave the house.

...003. TRAITS.

[ G R E G A R I O U S ] (+) — a person fond of company; sociable.

[ I N T U I T I V E ] (+) — using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.

[ F O R T H R I G H T ] (+) — direct and outspoken.

[ V O L A T I L E ] (-) — liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse.

[ V E N G E F U L ] (-) — not willing to forgive or excuse people’s faults or wrongdoings.

[ H E D O N I S T I C ] (-) — engaged in the pursuit of pleasure; sensually self-indulgent.

...004. WANTED CONNECTIONS.

CURRENT BEST FRIENDS — Possibly a boy squad? I live for a good boy squad. This person will have similar interests to Calvin, or be able to tolerate his volatile mood.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS — Someone with a similar upbringing from Brooklyn, most likely they grew apart when Calvin moved to Wilmington.

RIDE OR DIES — Although he primarily looks out for himself, I’m down to have Calvin have one person who he’s loyal to and will refuse to betray, we can come up with a fun reason for why he cares so much if you’re interested in this one.

HIS ROOMMATE — Somebody that moved with Calvin into his current apartment when he moved out at 18.

A GOOD INFLUENCE ON CALVIN — One of my favorite connections for Calvin to have is somebody who knows all of his flaws and attempts to help fix them. They’ll have to be patient, though, as Calvin doesn’t see himself for having any issues.

SOMEBODY HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE OF — On the opposite, I love when Calvin has somebody that he can introduce to bad things, corrupt easily and get a kick out of watching the commotion.

EXES ON BAD TERMS — Cheating on each other is usually an easy one to go with, but if you want, we can think of something more unique as to how it all fucked up and why they now hate each other.

EXES ON GOOD TERMS — Maybe they still occasionally fuck? There could still be an attraction there, but just no romantic chemistry. Alternatively, they tried it and both just couldn’t see it going anywhere.

EXES WITH LINGERING FEELINGS — There’s a ton of different reasons for why there’s still lingering feelings. The feelings could be one-sided or both ways.

EX FLINGS — Started as friends with benefits, one of them wanted more, the other didn’t, they decided to stop before someone got hurt.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS — No romantic intention, just a good way to kill time at 2 AM, or maybe it’s easy to know you have someone to go home to if you don’t find someone at a party.

FRIENDS FOR NECESSITY — This friend may not have that much in common with Calvin, they may not really get on in day to day life, but they are always there to get high, attend a party or do something dumb. an easy person to talk to when they’re both bored and wanna get out.

HIS YOUNGER SISTER — If anybody fancies a second character, I’m always down to have Calvins sister in the roleplay. They can either get along or not, we’ll just figure out the details.

EX FRIENDS — Used to be close but now aren’t, plenty of reasons as to why.

ENEMIES — Despise each other, seeing this person literally makes Calvins blood boil. Possibly sexual tension too if that would work, if not, they can just fight a lot.

WILL THEY / WON’T THEY — Lots of leading on and teasing each other, maybe they both think they’re stringing the other along but it turns out neither of them are interested? Maybe they start out not interested and it backfires later, by that time the other could’ve lost interest.

ANY OTHER IDEAS YOU THINK WILL WORK !

...005. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.

Calvin is bisexual but heteroromantic, so any sexual-based connections can be taken by any gender.

Calvins Pinterest can be located here. Please note that it contains triggers for alcohol, drugs, blood & violence.

#chb.intro

[okyverlo]

Alrighty then, here we go.

In MCU, Steve has defined his life by three things.

1) His life has been rough and his Mother was a saint, doing everything she could to make life better.

2) He has been the little guy fighting to be heard all his life and so he knows how other little guys feel when they’re drowned out by the bullies.

3) He and Bucky are two peas in a pod, and will be together ‘til the end of the line’.

For the first one, I don’t actually have challenges to this; Steve was born lower class, his father out of the picture for most if not all his life, his mother constantly working to pay the bills, especially since Steve was born sickly.

I don’t have anything to disagree with here; Sarah Rogers did her best in an impossible situation and Steve adores her for it. (In MCU, we are not given enough information about Steve’s dad to know 100% what happened there; Steve says he died a soldier, but that could simply have been Sarah trying to comfort Steve if his father just left.)

Number two, Steve’s little guy mentality.

I’ve already discussed how bad an idea I think it is for that mentality to be brought into a war zone, but I also have to add just how much it puts Steve on a moral high-horse.

Steve having been disadvantaged naturally due to his health has taken a stance of being as loud as he can in whatever way he can, whether it is being his little social-justice vigilante (fighting ‘bullies’ like the guy in the cinema) or constantly insisting to anyone who listens that he just wants to help.

While we aren’t shown any particular negatives of him wanting to help in CA:TFA it is something that becomes very clear in later movies, so stick a pin in that one.

But we hear him tell Peggy that he has been beat up behind almost every building and in every alley that they pass by on the morning of the Project Rebirth procedure.

The ‘joke’ that Steve at this point is ninety pounds soaking wet, sets up the slapstick humour of the tiny little bug fighting against the cat and being smooshed, but I remind you that Steve was sickly, and not good at fighting. Every time he stood up to a bully, real or imagined, Steve willingly put himself in a situation to be very physically hurt, likely not solve whatever problem he was standing up against, and possibly even put himself in hospital. And we’re given the impression that Steve was like this from very young, so I can only imagine the extra stress that put Sarah under.

A quick reminder that I do actually like Steve Rogers as a character, just not MCU Steve.

And finally, number three.

Steve has thoroughly entwined his life, and the meaning of it, with that of James Buchanan Barnes.

In MCU, a thirteen year old Bucky saves Steve from an alleyway beating, and the boys are pretty much joined at the hips since then; mayhaps Bucky feels a connection with Steve, mayhaps Bucky wants to help Steve on his social justice crusade, mayhaps Bucky doesn’t trust this skinny little runt not to get himself killed if Bucky leaves him to his own devices, we don’t know, but the two are close, they care for each other, and at some point they definitely lived together.

Now, I don’t have a problem with people developing strong friendships, or becoming brothers from another mother, or essentially living in each other’s pockets because that’s just what they do.

But I find it genuinely concerning when person A looks at person B and decides that person B is the only thing they can live for.

I get and understand that sometimes people go through horrible situations and latch onto a person as their reason to keep going, but those people are encouraged to find other reasons as well.

Steve doesn’t even really seem to try.

I am pretty sure that if Bucky hadn’t been drafted (again, he was drafted in MCU) Steve wouldn’t have been quite so adamant to join; he still would have wanted to, but he wouldn’t have wanted to leave Bucky behind, so perhaps could have been convinced to stay behind, and stop trying to enlist.

But, Bucky was drafted, and Steve ‘just wanted to help’.

Steve demanded Phillips save Bucky.

Steve went to Azzano to save Bucky.

At Azzano, Steve looked for Bucky.

Bucky was Steve’s right-hand man in the Commandos (even though James Montgomery Falsworth as a Brigadier, even an English one, outranked them both)

Bucky was the one to go with Steve on the mission to catch Arnim Zola on the train.

Steve did pretty much every thing to ensure that Bucky was with him.

And then Bucky fell.

I’m not going to go in the various theories and thoughts on how exactly Bucky survived said fall (that’s for later XD) but Bucky fell and Steve just breaks.

The mission is completed, Zola is caught, and Steve goes to the ruins of a bar and starts drinking.

He commiserates with Peggy that he can’t get drunk.

He just wants Bucky back.

However we don’t hear anything about a search being mounted for Bucky’s body, which given the terrible things HYDRA has been doing to people seems odd.

We don’t see Steve asking/arguing/pleading/begging for a chance to search for Bucky.

We don’t see Steve weeping over his almost brother’s assumed death.

Because Steve has already accepted that he won’t survive this.

The attack on HYDRA’s ‘final’ stronghold is started (and I know nothing of military tactics or strategy so I’m not going to say whether the presented plan could have worked or not) and Steve is constantly in high risk positions, situations where it would be easy, so very easy, for him to ‘slip-up’.

But he doesn’t because Bucky wouldn’t want the Red Skull to win.

Steve defeats the Red Skull and moves to the controls, having seen the bombs the Valkyrie is carrying.

Steve is correct in that they are dangerous.

Steve is correct that the ship needs to be stopped.

Steve is incorrect in saying that there is no other way, that there is no time.

As proven by Steve nosediving into the waters, the plane can be steered, at least somewhat, so he could have diverted the flight without crashing it.

He could have let Peggy get Howard to direct Steve on how to safely land.

But for Steve, this was the only way.

Even with Peggy begging him over the radio, Steve didn’t see a reason to keep going, to keep living.

Because Bucky was gone.

Steve had so entwined his life around Bucky’s presence and existence that life didn’t seem worth it if Bucky wasn’t there.

So he jokes, makes light of the situation, and closes his eyes as freezing water swallows him.

And then wakes up to a game he saw in person playing on the radio, and a woman who is just slightly off.

He fights his way out, because even with Bucky gone, Steve doesn’t want HYDRA to win, and who else would set up a false room like what he woke up in? (To be fair, he’s not wrong XD)

And then finds himself in a world so unlike anything he has experienced, or even dreamed. Finds himself in a world full of lights everywhere and signs and people he doesn’t recognise.

He hadn’t been planning on living, though there had been perhaps the slightest flame, the tiniest flicker of ‘if I did’

“You been asleep Cap. For almost seventy years.”

 Steve survived.

He wanted to die, he wanted the pain to stop, he wanted to be reunited with Bucky on the other side.

“You sure you’re alright?”

What is Steve meant to say to that?

How is he to tell this man he has just agreed to work with that nothing is right, nothing is okay, nothing feels real at all?

“Yeah ... yeah I just ... I had a date.”

#Captain America #Captain America The First Avenger #First Captain America Movie #Captain America Part III #I Have Way Too Much Salt In My Diet #HarcourtHolmesII #Fixing MCU

[queenkeeleyhawes]

REPOST: queenkeeleyhawes’s official ranking of keeley’s male character counterparts

**reposting because i added theo (i forgot him the first time), added martin (mutual friends) because i recently watched it. removed david from top tier after i revisited some things. moved sven to top tier because it’s what he deserves. and moved gene hunt lower because let’s be honest, he’s the worst.**

this list includes: husbands, boyfriends, bosses, and other male coworkers. there is some of her work that i left off because her part was too small. i started this list originally at 5 am a couple of weeks ago. these are my personal opinions. please don’t come for me. most are pretty self-explanatory too but i did list reasons anyway. if you happen to disagree with me, that’s fine, but i’m pretty set in my ways so even if we have a nice conversation, you’re unlikely to change my mind. ** SEMI(?) SPOILERS AHEAD**

Top Tier 

Spiros - hello he literally did everything for her and her family. took such good care of them from day one. literally found them a house when they got on the island. and furniture. and a maid. he got her ring back when she sold it to bribe those thugs in series 1. attempted to tutor gerry when she couldn’t find anyone else. held her when she needed a good cry after hugh nearly died and after florence could have died delivering her baby. watched her children while she went back home briefly. built gerry his zoo. the list goes on and on.

Caspar -  saw her for who she was. was impressed by her mind. “you’re beautiful as well as good. one of those things i can't change. the other i never will.” that is all. 

Fabian - *crying emojis* he literally cared so much for her. always wanted to be with her. literally put her aunt into a home and paid for it when it was not cheap. pretty much disowned his eldest daughter for her. after everything still adored her.

Samuel P. - hoo boy it’s a lot. clearly they made a connection. but he respected her and her marriage to not pursue it further when she put an end to it. was so happy for her when she found her son.

Jarvis - he just loved her so much. the lil hotel kissing scene. the way they looked at each other. ugh. we’re not even going to talk about them singing together in rehearsal. i don’t have it in me.

Dick Dewey - i mean hello. good on the eyes. sweetheart. loved her so much. the hand washing scene. the lake scene. saved her father from the bear trap and let some other dude take the credit.  made all the boys apologize to her via song after they humiliated her in church. 

Danny - let her move in with him when he saw how terrible her living arrangements were. so much more. i really wanted them to end up together.

Theo  - obviously, he belongs in Top Tier because he was always just absolutely wonderful to louisa and to gerry (duh) and he always gave her the best advice. like I truly believe they were best friends and though he didn’t include himself, he was definitely part of the “men she loved the most on the island.” also he’s an “honorary woman.” the end.

Sven - literally saved her son from dying. brought her nets for her olives. let gerry borrow a goat. eventually i liked them together and i think they could have worked...but...you know.

Good Tier

Harry - cool dad. loved their relationship. he took care of her.

Tom - they were very good friends and he treated her so well. he genuinely cared for her as an employee. obviously the real chemistry was there but i'm honestly glad they didn’t go in that direction.

Ray - listen i know he’s an ass but he’s the ass that you actually love. and she changed him for the better. i loved the dynamic between him and alex and as they grew as friends. plus dean and keeley just played off each other so nicely.

Daniel - she just wanted him to call about that damn flat but he finally had his little break through by the end so he can stay and obviously matthew and keeley working together is *heart eyes.*

Richard Shaw - he had his issues but he really did love kathleen and even though he was basically in denial about their son and did some things she didn’t like...he was a good man who took care of her.

David - i mean it was literally his job to save her and he did try (we’re not gonna talk about the end of episode 3). i believe he really put her at ease and was making her change her opinions and views on so many things. but there were issues...we can’t deny that.

Mr Morley - we didn’t see them interact much...but he’s fine.

Chris - he’s fine as co-workers go. i think he definitely respected alex eventually but he wasn’t my favorite.

Will (MI-5) - he was fine. a little boring but fine and he literally was not even cute. really zoe??? he did love her. and she did end up having a good life with him.

Bad Tier

Martin Grantham - almost cheated on his wife for revenge. told her potential boss she had mental health problems just to keep her from getting the job. believed a rumor that she had hired a solicitor so he hired one out of spite. umm the bar scene with their son. everything he did with peter. enough said.

Rob Graham - he almost cheated on his wife. he was in slight denial about their son. didn’t want to get a dog. loved her and he clearly fought to stay with her. a few points for that.

Joe M*cb*th - was just kinda there? not horrible but not great.

Steve A - do i really even need to explain? he’s just so infuriating. you’re probably wondering why he’s not lower on this list...but...well just wait until you see the rest.

Mr Royal - he just generally sucks and also he ruined her dessert in that one lil scene and was just horrible. and he fucking slapped her, knocking her to the ground???? no sir.

Peter - the jealousy i mean come on and he terrorized her. nearly killed her best friend. not to mention i’m about 99.8% sure he stole her cat.

Hugh - ugh he was with her to make vasillia jealous. i don’t care what he tried to say. and i hate that he called her angel when that’s what her husband called her. also i think she just liked the idea of them and then realized how quickly it wasn’t going to work out, especially when he wanted her to go back to england when they hadn’t even been there that long and clearly corfu made her happy?!?!? purposefully hurt spiros.

Miles Mollison - it literally took him hearing his mother calling his wife a failure for him to grow a spine?!?!? and dude your wife looked like that *long sigh*

Trash Tier 

Billy - how many times did she have to ask him about getting a job. the jealousy. he didn’t do anything???? he took care of jake so he gets points for that. but he made her feel like crap for it so….bye. and he told tina even though angela didn’t want to tell anyone.

Michael - literally tried to murder her.

Othello - actually murdered her.

Dennis Hamilton  - crazy, jealous. possessive. made her get an abortion. spent all of her money. just gross.

Alec Wilson - hello he literally had another wife and two other children that she knew of. and he only gave her 5 measly fucking pounds….rude. 

Terry Leather - had an affair with another woman. kinda redeemed himself in the end but not really. 

Hallam - literally had an affair with her sister. forced her to take in lotte when she was terrified she’d lose their baby. was trash to his little sister after making a big deal about getting her out of the asylum. was horrible to blanche. was fine (?) with the staff but not really?? 

Sam Webster - had an affair. got another woman pregnant when that’s something his wife wanted again. literally never believed her about anything. blamed her for alice’s death and then later tried to tell her not to blame herself when she was depressed. horrible to their son. just an all around shitty person.

Roger - jealous of j’s power. racist remark about david. tells her something she specifically said she doesn’t care to hear. and let’s be honest he was probably bopping some blonde 20 year old.

Dryden - wouldn’t leave his wife. forced her to get an abortion. literally picked up a 15 year old at some gathering for a bj. gross gross gross.

Gene - grade A asshole. i literally do not understand why people love them together??? he was the one who saved her as a child??? but then almost hooked up with her in the afterlife??? creepy. no matter how many times i re-watch, i cannot find any redeeming qualities in him or any reason why they should be together. also he was a sexist, homophobic, RACIST pig. i don't care it was the 80s...gross. this one you definitely will not be able to fight me on.

#this is what happens when i can't sleep #these poor women #also poor keeley #men are trash #except for those in top and good tier #give her good men 2020 & 2021 #keeley hawes #seriously you will not be able to fight me on gene #i actually loathe him

[redeadepression]

Hello, I hope you're feeling good today! Umm I was curious if you want to share some HCs about modern John and Arthur. What aspects would change if they lived in our present days? Or if they woke up a day and were here? :)

Modern AU | Arthur Morgan | John Marston | Headcanons

~~~~~

OMG yes. So I think about Modern AU Arthur and John A LOT. Both in the sense that they actually grew up in modern AU and that’s all they have know and the sense that they have just woken up in a modern world and have to come to terms with what the world is like in 2019. 

I’ll just do a set for each of the boys on Modern AU because this post was getting SO long. But pleaseee if you want to hear about 1899 Arthur and John in a Modern world, send me an ask!

John’s HCs are MUCH more fleshed out than Arthur’s and really more of a narrative where as for Arthur I have a huge bunch of ideas as to who he is as a person but nothing super solid for his actual story.

I have SO many more headcanons about these guys and also Modern AU Abigail. If you want to see more, just ask. ♥

~~~~~

A little background on Modern AU Arthur and John. John’s Father died when he was They were both placed in the Foster-care system where they were taken in by Dutch and Hosea; an older couple that decided to foster instead of adopt. Arthur is still 10 years older than John. He is placed with Dutch and Hosea at around the age of 10 and then seven years later John is placed with them as well at the age of 7. 

Arthur isn’t an orphan but he was taken away from his bio Father due to abuse and after that his Father spiralled and found himself in prison. His sentence kept getting extended due to bad behaviour and eventually Arthur writes him off when he reaches adulthood, realising he isn’t going to change. Dutch and Hosea adopt Arthur with his Father’s consent right before he turns 18. His mother died due to illness when he was a toddler.

John’s Mother died in childbirth and his abusive Father was killed when John was 6. He goes straight in to Foster-care and is bounced around from house to house due to his troublesome nature. His Foster parents find him challenging and he continues to be replaced until eventually he lands with Dutch and Hosea at the age of 7. After Arthur, they find John and his anxieties/acting out to not be all that much of a handful.

John isn’t adopted when he turns 18 and as a result has a strained relationship with the people he had considered his family for over 10 years. He attends family Christmas and other holidays but ultimately feels out of place.

~~~~~

Modern AU Arthur:

Okay so first thing you need to know about Modern Arthur is he’s a serial dater

A romantic always looking for ‘the one’

But total self-sabotager when anyone promising appears

Think Ted Mosby from HIMYM

He is HOT but he doesn’t really know it

Really low self-esteem

But at the same time weirdly arrogant because he can pretty much get any woman he wants

He has a new partner every couple of weeks

Always brings them to events and puts them in the photos which annoys his friends

When he is roughly 25 he has a bad break up and decides to ‘be single’ for a while

He meets Eliza and has a one night stand

She gets pregnant

He tries to make it work with her but in the end they are too different

They break up and Arthur is a little relieved

He’s a good Dad to Issac 

But Eliza moves away with him when he is around 3

So Arthur only see’s him on holidays and when he can afford to fly out for a visit

He is an Artist

Actually makes some decent money off his work

But hates the whole ‘art scene’

Absolutely despises rubbing noses with “pretentious art folk”

But despite that, is really good at schmoozing to get his art recognised

His friends like to remind him that he’s actually really pretentious himself sometimes

But he likes to think of himself as ‘Down to Earth’

He loves food

Always has snacks

Lives off coffee

Has drank dirty paint water instead of his coffee many, many times

Arthur has a really good parental bond with both Dutch and Hosea

He gets along with them both really well and often voluntarily spends time at their house where he grew up

Dutch is an enabler to Arthur’s womanising

He instils the belief in Arthur that when he meets ‘The One’ he will know instantly

Hosea disapproves and encourages him to try and settle down

Not every relationship is perfect but they still work out etc

Arthur’s sibling relationship with John turned to more of a friendship when the later turned 18

He invited John to live with him for a little while, while he was setting up his business

They didn’t live together for long as they got on each others nerves too often

Arthur doesn’t have many male friends

He finds it easier to connect with women in a platonic sense

Besides John, his male friends are his friend’s husbands

(i.e Jake Adler)

 Arthur likes to go away for a couple of weeks at a time

Sometimes he tells people where he’s going

Other times he just disappears

But his Instagram alerts his family to the fact he’s still alive

He never goes on extravagant vacations

Often saving enough for a flight and a stay at a hostel somewhere

Sometimes he camps

He uses these trips for inspiration in his work

Often has a huge influx of stylised work, based on where he’s been once he returns home 

It gradually returns to his usual art-style 

That’s when he realises it’s time to get away again

He feels content in his life and genuinely enjoys living

He actively yearns for more but deep down isn’t sure he actually wants it

He could live like this the rest of his life and not have many regrets

Modern AU John:

As a child, John never really had anything of his own

Never had anything new

Always hand-me-downs

So once he becomes a teen he is incredibly keen to enter the work-force

He’s very excited to spend his first pay cheque on something new for himself

He never flourished at school

Found that he was much better at working

Especially with his hands and machinery 

He took on a trade and worked to become a construction worker

When he reaches adulthood and realises he’s going to have to live by his own means he takes a business course

Starts his own company at the age of 18, doing handy-man kind of work

Dutch and Hosea offer him money to grow it

He turns it down as he feels it’s out of guilt

This spurs him on to work even harder

He wants to prove himself

Eventually starts to make enough money to hire staff

Starts taking on bigger clients

Bigger jobs

Grows his company until at the age of 22 he’s got his own small business and it’s thriving

He does well for himself

He lives off Energy Drinks and coffee

Fast food is a must

Often eats in his car at lunch or on his way home from work

It’s lonely

He meets Abigail and they start casually dating

Not long in to their relationship she falls pregnant

John freaks out but recovers well

He doesn’t want his child to grow up like he did

Proposes because he’s young and dumb

They get married really quickly despite people trying to tell them it’s a bad idea

He takes a mortgage on a house and they move in together

Things are good for a while

But once baby Jack comes they go downhill

Abigail is a good Mother but very young and selfish

This is a whole other set of headcanons if anyone is interested, I’ll write them

John steps up as a Father because he has to if he wants his child to have a good life

He flails a lot

Almost drowns a couple of times

Eventually falls in to a good rhythm of work and baby

His relationship with Abigail crumbles

They separate with joint custody

He has a few good friends

He leans on them hard in during his divorce

He sells his house and moves in with a friend for emotional support/help with the baby

Puts the profits from his sale in to his business and grows it further

As a human; he has a lot of flaws

But they are very different from his flaws in 1899

He is full of anxieties and mental health issues

But refuses to work on them

As a Father he feels he is unfit

But he takes it on anyway and is actually a natural

As a husband he was clingy, yet distant at the same time

Wanting attention and then space when it suited him

He is resentful of Abigail for ultimately being the one to end the marriage

Despite knowing it was for the best

He starts dating a friend

He realises what a good, supportive relationship is like

He and Abigail fight often about what’s right for Jack

John grows frustrated with her childishness 

Eventually fights for full custody because he feels like Jack isn’t Abigail’s first priority

Doesn’t win due to being at work full-time 

Abigail settles on 70/30 because she is also working and knows John can afford a better Nanny than she can

He never confront Dutch and Hosea about not being adopted

Figures they just didn’t want him to be permanent in their lives

They were his parents for 11 years

It stings but he moves on

He’s in denial about how much it affects him 

Affects the decisions his makes parenting his son

#Arthur Morgan #John Marston #Modern AU #modern au john marston #modern au arthur morgan #dutch van der linde #hosea matthews #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #headcanons #hcs #modern au headcanons #modern hcs

[jeannereames]

Happy Birthday to the real Amyntor: Ed Reames

9/11 is a day of mourning in the US. But for me, 9/11 means my father’s birthday. And with Dancing with the Lion: Rise coming out next month--which is dedicated to my father’s memory--I decided I’d post here the tribute to my father that I wrote shortly after his death in February of 2017. My father (and mother) provided the model for Amyntor in the novel. So if you’d like to meet the “real” Amyntor, here he is.

Calvin Edward Reames, c. 1944

As some of you are already aware, my father’s health—physical and mental—has been failing, especially since autumn. In late January, he caught pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital. He never regained conscious awareness and was placed on palliative care. At 3:15pm, Eastern time, February 10, 2017, he died, almost exactly 92 years and 5 months since he entered this world.

Social media has become the communication currency of our time, and supposedly nothing on the Internet ever really disappears. Ergo I want to tell you about my father so HE won’t disappear. This is my own reflection.  No one’s life can be understood by any single individual in it. We’re too multifaceted. The father I knew wasn't even the father my brother knew, as we were born almost 18 years apart--he at the beginning of the Baby Boom and me at the tail end. Yet my father raised a writer for a daughter, so I feel the need to eulogize him as I knew him. Others will have other stories, more or less flattering.

Born on the now-infamous date of 9/11, 1924, in Gorham, Jackson County, (Southern) Illinois, he survived the Tri-State Tornado at only 6 months of age. With him in her arms, his mother ran for the railroad tracks and got on the opposite side from the mile-wide monster bearing down on them, then laid her own body over his; the tornado leapt the tracks and spared them. Perhaps that was an omen for a charmed life. On the face of if, his life might not seem particularly charmed, but he survived the Depression, a world war, and mostly made good on the American Dream. He even lived long enough to see his Cubbies win the World Series.

Iva Mae Gregersen Reames & Daddy, 1925

The eldest of 13 children, he grew up in a family who were poor even by Depression-era standards.  It made him generous, occasionally foolishly so. Yet if he decided someone was “his” (family or friend), he saw it as his obligation to help. That conviction stemmed less from abstract ethics than from an innate kindness arising out of his recall of what it meant to be in need. Sometimes people say, “Well, I managed …” and expect others to suffer as they had.  Daddy could do that, too, but mostly he didn't.  If he could prevent someone from suffering, that made him happy.  He just wanted a “Thank you.” When he was in the war, he sent virtually his whole paycheque home to his mother each month to help care for his younger brothers and sisters. He kept $5.  Yes, $5 went much further then, but as an unmarried corporal in the US army, he made about $65 dollars monthly in 1944.  So he kept 1/13th of his income and gave away the rest.

US Army Corporal, 126th AAA Battalion, 1943

That, perhaps better than anything, exemplifies his fundamental nature. It’s in our actions and choices that, I believe, we reveal our true selves.

He liked to laugh, and kid, but never cruelly. For some families, a disparaging jest is meant as back-handed affection, but that wasn’t heard in the house in which I grew up. When I was younger, I was frequently teased because I walked right into comments with potential double meanings. Perhaps one of the values of getting old(er) is that I’ve aged out of being an easy target. Yet I never learned to hear what others said as an opportunity for ribbing because my parents didn’t find that sort of thing funny. My father's sense of humor was devoid of sarcasm, as he thought it mean-spirited. Some of that owed to his own mother, who—to hear him talk about her—should have been beatified immediately upon her death. But I also believe it owed to having lived through real struggle himself.

To his mind, the world is mean enough. He saw no need to make it meaner via our interactions with people about whom we should care. It's partly for that reason, and a basic aversion to drama, that he was a much-desired member of the pastor-parish relations committee at our church in Lakeland, Florida. His presence tended to tamp down exaggerated crises and occasional bouts of flailing (which is actually a bit funny, given his own tendency to worry).

My father had a will of iron, and a quiet ambition easily overlooked. For instance, when he decided to stop smoking, back before I was born, he’d just received a new carton of cigarettes for Christmas. He threw them in the trash and quit cold turkey because he’d decided he was done. He took up a pipe later (I think largely for image), but decided he didn’t want to do that, either, and just put down the pipe one day. That was it.

"The Lineman," Normal Rockwell

When Daddy decided to do something, he did it. “Failure is not an option”: Apollo 13’s motto. Well, the men (and women) who got Apollo 13 home are my father’s generation. When he returned from the war, he was one of millions looking for a job. He tried on several, but finally decided to work for the telephone company because communications seemed like the future. Before the war, he’d wanted to be a pharmacist, yet circumstance had curtailed the college degree required. So he began showing up regularly in the hiring offices of General Telephone Electric (GTE), asking for work. He made himself annoying. But squeaky wheel gets the grease, and finally they sent him north as a telephone lineman … in January … during a blizzard. He was a relatively little guy (wiry, but short), and they doubted he’d last 2 days. They figured it was a good way to get rid of his terrier persistence.

Daddy on right, GTE employee award

He persisted for 40+ years, and retired as a (self-taught) senior engineer in the mid-1980s. Never tell a Reames, "You can’t do that."

The guys who’d worked under him at the end liked him so much, they kept coming to visit him for years after. He had that effect on people, whether at work, at church, or as a ham radio operator ("This is K9RWP calling..."). They sensed he truly cared about them, and responded in kind. He wasn’t a boisterous or especially outgoing person, but he was still an extrovert. He’d strike up conversations with random strangers in lines at store check-outs.

Especially if there was a baby involved.

Daddy & his great-granddaughter, Leila

See, Daddy loved babies.  And babies loved Daddy. Maybe as a result of being the eldest of 13, but he could burp them, change a diaper pronto, or make them laugh. He so enjoyed watching little kids, especially as he aged; he’d break into a grin just to see them playing at a distance. He was never among the “Children should be seen and not heard” crowd. To his mind, children should be talked to and played with. They would inherit the earth. When my son was born just a few months after my mother's death, Daddy said, “He’s my little replacement.” At the time, I worried his words were fatalistic. But he went on to survive my mother by almost 20 years, and now, I see his words as an expression of continuity. We are our ancestors.

Daddy, Grandson Ian & Licorice as a kitten

So my son, Ian, is his replacement, in the larger sense. When we look forward, we also look back to where we came from. I tried to insure that Ian got to know his Grandpa, who was there just days after he came home from the hospital after birth, and was there when he graduated from high school, even paid his first bill for books at college. Because that’s who Daddy was. If he didn’t get to attend college himself, he made sure both his kids did, and his grandkids. For him, that was an achievement.

As I said…the success of others, especially friends and family, seemed to Daddy the same as his own.

Yet his generosity and empathy extended beyond just people. Daddy was a cat magnet. We used to joke that if he sat down and there was a cat within 50 feet, pretty soon, that cat would be on his lap. He liked dogs, to be sure, but dogs (and horses) were my mother’s favorites. Daddy liked cats, and they liked him. Dogs are forgiving. They’ll stay with even an abusive owner; but cats leave. They don’t put up with crap. Daddy? Even semi-feral cats trusted him.

Daddy, me, Ian, and a completely random barn cat who decided to adopt him for the day at my aunt’s farm

So while he was raised in a time when animals were tools and food more than family members, and he certainly went hunting from a young age to help put food on the table, I think he, more than my mother, had a soft spot for animals. I remember in the ‘70s, he decided we were going to raise rabbits for food, and bought a pair of does. Well, it didn’t take long for yours truly to make pets not only of the does, but of the first litter of babies. All of them had to go to homes where they’d be pets, not dinner. And while I’d made the pronouncement, it didn’t take much to convince my father. Shooting a wild squirrel for the stew pot (especially when hungry) was one thing; killing the rabbits one fed regularly and took care of was another. So our venture in home-grown meat failed miserably (to, I’m sure, the rabbits’ collective relief). Yet it wasn’t just due to my agitating. I don’t think Daddy could have killed a one of them, even if I hadn’t protested. They had names, after all.

He wasn’t a saint. None of us are. The cliche applies: we're a mix of vices and virtues, like shadows against the backlight of the sun. Age softened some of his, while exacerbating others due to a failing filter. Among other things he did well, Daddy was a champion worrier. He worried about anything you can imagine (and then some). Perhaps that owed to growing up in such an unstable era as the Depression when it seemed anything could happen, but for instance, he would remind me constantly to hold onto handrails while going up and down stairs. It seems trivial, but he genuinely angsted over me falling at home and hurting myself when nobody might find me for days. So I (mostly) hold onto rails, because I hear his voice in my head, telling me to.

The irony, of course, is that he was in much more danger of falling, yet he didn't tend to worry about himself. Before he moved up to be near my brother, I tried to get him to buy one of those Life Alert systems. I even employed the ultimate weapon: his grandson (Ian), to beg.  He refused. He’d be fine, because he’s of that generation when all a man should need was himself, a gun, a good job, and a driver's license. And oh, boy, getting him to relinquish that driver's license as he went increasingly blind from macular degeneration was quite the battle, one my poor brother largely had to face when Daddy moved north to Kentucky in his last years. Daddy never did let go of the worrying, though.

He could be impatient, and critical, too, sometimes overly so. I never wanted to sing in front of him because he, like many of his siblings, had an excellent ear and I was, well, usually a little flat. He could hear it, and would say so. But the one he was most critical of was himself, if he failed to live up to his (very high) standards of what he thought he ought to do. Some of that, I lay at the feet of his own father, at least as my mother told it to me. Yet in contrast, as noted earlier, he delighted in the success of others. As a child and young woman I wanted to succeed not because I feared his critique (except about my singing), but because I basked in his happiness when I did well. He could be downright embarrassing in his bragging. If failure, especially his, was not an option, he didn't feel the need to build himself up by tearing down others. He was happy to share the spotlight, or even to applaud from the sidelines--and mean it. Again, maybe that owed to being one of 13, but I think it went deeper, back to his fundamental worldview: “You and me,” not, “Me or you.” He was quietly ambitious, but not especially competitive. Except at cards. Then all bets were off (sometimes literally).

Daddy with Mama, Christmas, c. 1990

One of his most outstanding virtues was his loyalty. For instance, he fell in love with my mother and stayed married to her for 51 years, then never remarried. While it might have been nice for him to remarry, I don't think it was in him; it would have felt like "replacing" her, and to his mind, she had no replacement.

After her death in 1997, I recall going through old pictures of her with him, one from just after the war, which showed them out with friends. Keep in mind that my mother, from childhood until after the birth of my brother, was…pudgy. While on the shorter side, my father was never heavy in his youth. In fact, he got quite buff during WWII: broad-chested and slim-waisted. But as we looked at that picture of my mother next to her friends, he pointed to her with tears in his eyes, and said, "She was the most beautiful of them all." Yup, the "pudgy" girl.

Idalee Brouillette, c. 1944, the picture my father carried during WWII

But he was right: Mama was a stunner. I know that, now, people say I look a lot like her, and I’m honored it’s so. But I was never as pretty as she was, especially in her youth, and I think my father felt bedazzled that this beautiful, black-haired Brouillette girl decided she was going to marry him, and that was the end of it. Her family was better off financially during the Depression, even with Indian blood; they had a farm with a full section, and a car, and enough money for my grandfather to send my mother and her sisters into town to go to school when he thought the teacher at the school on Buttermilk Hill was unqualified. So I suppose you could say Daddy "married up." But to Mama’s mind, she’d won the deal, getting the determined, smart guy.

See, long before they met in person, Mama had gone with her best friend Annie to Gorham High School for a day, visiting. In math class, the teacher put a problem on the board and asked the class to solve it. Only one student could: my father. He got up and wrote the solution on the blackboard, and Mama was enchanted. She asked Annie, “Who is that guy!?”

Some years later, she married that guy.

March 8th, 1946, wedding picture

In many ways, my parents were quite different people. My mother was progressive in thought beyond her time, naturally empathic and perceptive, a bookworm introvert with a steel spine when she needed it and the amazing ability to keep 5+ people’s business in her head without forgetting anything. Everything I know about organization (and I’m pretty good at it), I learned from my mother. My father was conservative, protective, supportive, more intelligent (in sheer IQ), but less emotionally intelligent (EQ), more driven, but less philosophical. Yet they created a unique alchemy of spirit. They didn’t share common interests—Mama loved reading novels, Daddy never read fiction, Mama loved watching murder mysteries, Daddy preferred ball games or the news. Yet they looked out on the world in the same direction, and that’s what mattered.

Ed Reames in high school

In the end, what can I say but that Daddy was the epitome of the Greatest Generation. And now he’s gone. I won’t say we’ll never see their like again, because nobody knows the future. They weren’t perfect—racism was an institutionalized assumption enshrined in segregation, women barely had the vote, LGBTQ wasn’t even talked about—but we, in our current America, could take a page from those who survived abject poverty and economic collapse without government safety nets, then went on to save the world from fascism. They did it not by grand deeds, but by the simple heroism of young men and a few women storming a beach at Normandy or Iwo Jima, a lot of whom never came home. Daddy used to joke that he chased Hitler all over Europe but never caught him.

Daddy, you did catch him. You were part of the men and women who stopped him.

You are my hero.  You are the real Captain America.

I’m privileged and grateful to be your daughter, and I love you, forever.

#My 9/11 #The Greatest Generation #Amyntor #Ed Reames #Dancing with the Lion #DwtL #tribute to my father

[dcnativegal]

In which I change jobs and listen to the people of Lakeview

Back in August, (it’s now early March, 2019) my boss called me up in my office in Christmas Valley and asked if I’d consider moving my work to Lakeview and joining the Lake District Clinics’ staff as a therapist. I pretty much said, you bet, when do I start? It’s not that I haven’t loved the people I work with as colleagues and as clients in Christmas Valley. It’s more that I have spent most of my 30+ years as a social worker basically embedded in medical teams, working on the psychological and practical issues that come up for people who are medically ill. The prospect of going back into a busy clinic at a bustling, though tiny, hospital, excited me. And so it was that I said goodbye to my clients, and to my work buddies Hayley, Jama, and Geri, and started driving south instead of north from Paisley, in late September.

It's now been 5 months, and the metaphor I use is that we are building this airplane while flying the thing, since this is the first time this hospital has had such a role: ‘Behavioral Health Consultant.’

Behavioral Health Consultants are culturally competent* generalists who provide treatment for a wide variety of mental health, psychosocial, motivational, and medical concerns, including management of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, smoking cessation, sleep hygiene, and diabetes among others. (definition brought to you by https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primary_Care_Behavioral_health)  

*The better term than culturally competent is ‘culturally agile’, but the idea is the same: to be agile is to establish rapport with anybody, including people from the ethnicity called “white” and the culture of “taciturn cowboy.”  

The new job has an aspiration: “Primary Care/Behavioral Health Integration” whereby “mental health” is not taken care of in some other place, complete with another building, parking lot, and stigma (because when the town’s population is 2,300, everyone knows your rig.) If a patient comes to their primary care person for high blood pressure, or a miscarriage, or very high blood sugars, and the primary care person hears that your marriage is disintegrating, or you have nightmares, or your child killed her/himself, then there’s an immediate referral to me. If I’m busy with another patient, a referral gets made electronically, a receptionist calls this person, and boom, they are on my schedule. If I’m not busy, I’m brought in to meet them right then. Perhaps this person is crying, and I sit and listen, and maybe it’s just a bad day, or a sad anniversary, and what I do is provide compassionate listening. And my card. Perhaps we start a conversation and they schedule for a longer session because they hadn’t figured on being gone from work so long. See you soon, I say.

Behavioral Health Integration is new to much of the country, and yet it makes so much sense. Mind and body are connected. The trauma someone experienced as a child contributes to both his anxiety now and his high blood pressure. Her alcoholism might be worsened by her spouse’s infidelity: however, her liver is for sure. Let’s get this addressed, mind/body/spirit. Teamwork, people.

There are two other populations I get referrals to see. The folks who are taking an addictive substance that really isn’t good for them long term: either benzodiazepines like valium, or opioids.

The second group are the frequent flyers: folks who use the emergency department a great deal. There’s a team of people who try to help them. Are they anxious? Anxiety causes a lot of emergency department visits. So does a life that is very disorganized. Who can keep track of the day of the week, let alone an appointment in a clinic? There’s a meeting of people from many disciplines who meet weekly to brainstorm about how to create a supportive, educational web of services so that this person doesn’t use the most expensive health care resource available, (the emergency department) or bounce back into the hospital because being at home wasn’t safe.

I’ve had some interesting encounters. I meet people who are so much pain that they rock back and forth while they talk to me. I hear about a family where every single member has a serious disability but only one member will come in to talk to me. I finally went out with them to meet another relative waiting in the car and basically said, Hi, I don’t bite, come in to see me sometime, okay? It took 3 months but it worked.

A child came and sat at my table, proceeding to play with my wooden robots, then the magnet marble sculpture thing, and then color a mandala. All the while, a biological parent tells the story of their predicament, and the child corrects and fills in, holding the memory of all that has happened to this family. I find myself wishing multiple times a day, “if only the adults would adult.”

Another child is having panic attacks. Perhaps the addicted parent and the chaos at home are factors? You decide.

There is a funny thing that happens as I work in the arena of mental health while in a small town, and it will keep on happening. I assess one member of a social network, which may or may not be related to one or four of my other clients. The jigsaw puzzle of the situation becomes clearer and more recognizable while I listen to the stories. I can’t reveal that I already heard that story from someone else, with significantly different plot points and antagonists. I simply make note. Later that same day, the client has become the guy or gal behind a counter: well hello! And then I see the client’s mother in town: she peered at me through narrowed eyes, told me she was glad to know who was talking to her son. Sounded like I passed muster.

pass muster

be accepted as adequate or satisfactory.

synonyms:

be  good enough, come up to standard, come up to scratch, measure  up, be acceptable/adequate, be sufficient, fill/fit the  bill, do, qualify

I met with a rather desperate patient, in chronic pain, and super pissed off about everything. That patient died unexpectedly and sadly a few days later. On the same day I learned of this death, two of my other clients came in, separately, and cried about the sudden loss of this person. Used up all of my tissues. We are part of a tightly woven web.

And I can’t talk about any of it except to clinical supervisors or my therapist. Which is fine. Thank goodness I can take notes. My brain gets very full.

I no longer have the Roarks, Hayley the amazing therapist and her husband Tom the amazing police deputy, who could give me the back story and the full list of felonies for most of North County. I exaggerate only slightly. I do get perspective at the team meetings where we talk about the frequent flyers: everyone has a piece of the patient’s history. And everyone knows everyone else, and what they did last summer. I will never have that deep knowledge of this community that natives of Lake County do. There is a chaplain who seems to have the same deep, back stories of everyone in Lakeview. The primary care providers know a great deal, too. Perhaps my fresh perspective has a benefit: at least three clients have told me they are glad I’m not from here. They have a chance, a clean slate, instead of me having assumptions based on last name, what side of town they live on, etc. And I try so hard not to judge. I sit and listen, always humbled and amazed at the stories that are shared.

I can’t share specifics, but I certainly see themes.

Let’s talk for a minute about step families. There are an awful lot of step families and second and third marriages and many times, live-in sweeties who act like step parents, all of which is very confusing to children. There are a couple of rules that I thought everyone knew, but apparently not. Such as:

·         Do not, under any circumstances, tell a child, ‘you are so much like your Mom/Dad’ if those qualities you are calling out are negative. Please, please. You are not getting back at the miscreant, who is a conniving/cheating/meth-dealing/flake. You are hurting your child. (See, self-fulfilling prophecy. See, shitty legacy.) STOP IT.

·         Grownups need to do the adulting. Children are not go-betweens. Period, end of sentence. Also, children best not play one parent against another: the only way to make sure THAT isn’t happening is to …

·         Co-parent. If your kid has left your home to live with grandma, or step-father, or aunt, whomever, guess what? You are now co-parenting with your mother or step-father or sibling. You are coordinating school meetings with teachers, immunizations, and team schedules. You are consulting with the ‘other parent’ on whether the kid gets a smart phone, or can date, and whether they need condoms. Circle the wagons and parent the kid, whatever the old painful history. For the kids’ sake.

Right?

How about grief. People feel grief about all kinds of things, and especially the loss of other people. One grief hooks up with all the other losses, and sometimes, the heart just breaks and the mind stops and the tears flow. My all-time favorite quote about grief is this one:

People, usually, the conscientious ones, have very high expectations of themselves. They will plod on, and keep it all up, until the tears overflow, and they are horrified when they cry at work. Perhaps the long-dead person was the only one who ever stood by them, which explains why the ‘little’ loss that happened just the other day flowed into this biggest loss, and they are overcome.

I do some ‘grief education’. That it comes in waves. That patience with oneself is critical, and kind: if you can’t stop crying, then you need to cry, and go ahead, take the rest of the day off. You are not a slacker, or a malingerer. You are giving your mind and aching heart a break, and that is a healthy thing to do. We talk about options like writing a letter to the one you miss, so that you can tell them what you’ve been wanting to share. Who knows, maybe they are listening. Whatever the metaphysics of the matter, they exist in your experience. In psychoanalytic terms, that’s called an “introject.”  Write freely, as if they will hear your words.

Or maybe write a song, or draw a picture, in their memory, in their honor. What would they have told you to do, if they knew they were about to leave this mortal coil? Go forth and find another lover? Get back to playing that guitar and never mind how bad it sounds at first? Go dancing. Go bowling. Have a beer, or stay sober, in my name.

And know that you cannot push through grief, there is no shortcut:

It is an alteration of self that we would not choose, and it is excruciating. We are altered without anesthetic. I’m sorry. I have been so altered.

Let’s talk about social isolation. I found this quote in the New York Times and had it made into a canvas hanging in my office: (via EasyCanvasPrints.com)

Most of the clients I see are deeply disconnected from people, especially the men. Maybe there is a wife who connects him to the rest of the family, or a mother. But no one else. He doesn’t speak to his children. He’s estranged from a sister or a brother. No cousins, lost track of them. Don’t care to reconnect. Old pain, betrayals, lots of good reasons to stay mad. Except for the loneliness.

I encourage clients to call up an old friend and say, I was thinking about you, what the heck, I thought I’d call, tell me what’s going on, if this is a good time. Once the person gets over their shock, the content of what your old co-worker/ cousin/ younger sister tells you is refreshing. At least it isn’t the same old thoughts going around like a trapped gerbil in your mind. And then you’ve strengthened an old bond. Why not? Doesn’t cost anything.

I know it feels awkward. I called up my first cousin, out of the blue, after texting her to make sure I still had the right number, and in my text, I said, could you chat? She called me right away thinking something was wrong. We hadn’t spoken on the phone since I moved to Paisley. I didn’t mean to scare her. But I didn’t do our usual calendar/Christmas thing this year, and she’s my first cousin. We’re friends on Facebook, but we don’t share the whole truth on Facebook. We were candid. Life is imperfect. And I renewed that bond with this bright, hardworking woman with whom I share DNA.

I also hand-wrote several letters to old friends. I got lovely texts or emails back saying a letter will come in reply but give them time. I’m totally fine with that. And even if nothing comes back, I sent forth a bit of love, and story, to distract them from their mind-gerbils. There was a woman at St. Stephen’s, whom I got to know when I worked as the Parish Secretary and she was a volunteer. She would send a lovely note or postcard to someone and stamp it with “GUILT FREE MAIL.” How wonderful is that. Edith Eder, you were a gift to the world. She would wait to give baby blankets to newborns, and I think she waited because she’d had a stillbirth at one time, and knew the pain of having no baby for all the cute clothes and rattles that had been gifted.

*****

Ultimately, for the anxious and depressed, I hope I can convey some information, some strategies and tricks, a wee tincture of wisdom that they can hold onto, when they hit a bad patch. I have my own therapist, in Bend, 3 hours away, whom I see once a month. I take my anti-depressant dutifully and gratefully. I approach my very own bad patches and slip and fall, like I did over thanksgiving. I try to spot the bad patches, like drivers look for black ice this time of year, but sometimes the slipping can’t be helped. And kerplunk, we are in the ditch and need a tow. Best to minimize the damage, do what needs to be done and chalk it up to ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People’, which is the book I recommend most to clients.

There’s the awesome quotation by Anais Nin about the blossom:

I see entering into psychotherapy this way: it is a risk, because the familiar misery feels safer, at first, than the bright new possibilities of change, which are scary, but then, occasionally, breathtakingly glorious. And in any case, patience is required. With ourselves. Again, Anais Nin, who is an incest survivor by the way:

Amen

#depression anxiety psychotherapy

[randomfactsandinfo-blog]

William MacDonald: Australia’s Gay Jack the Ripper

William MacDonald, later “the Sydney Mutilator,” was born on June 17th, 1924 in Liverpool, England, and his life was pretty uneventful until he was conscripted for the British Army as a nineteen year old in 1943. He was transferred to the Lancaster Fusiliers, after which he was brutally raped by one of his corporals in an air-rade shelter, an assault that traumatized him for the rest of his days. He was honorably discharged with exemplary conduct in 1947.

While still a teenager, he was diagnosed as an erratic schizophrenic, and was then committed to the Scottish Crichton Royal mental hospital, and was treated with electroconvulsive therapy daily. Soon after his arrival, his mother arranged for his release.

In the year 1949, he emigrated from England to Canada, but his crimes did not begin until he moved to Australia in 1955.

Soon after his arrival in Australia, he was arrested and charged with indecent assault on a male person and two counts of gross indecency after he grabbedf the groin of a police officer in a public bathroom, but was placed on a two-year good behavior bond. In 1961, he settled in Sydney and cemented his identity as a gay man, frequenting meet-up spots for other gay men like him.

The murders started in Brisbane in 1960, with the death of Amos Hurst, a 55 year old man MacDonald befriended outside Roma Street Railway Station. MacDonald invited the man for a drink at a local pub, and then took him back to his home for more drinks. When Hurst throughly intoxicated, MacDonald began to strangle him, and he started to haemorrhage. Blood poured from his mouth all over MacDonald’s hands, and then he ended it by punching him hard in the face, which ended up finally killing him. Amos Hurst’s body was examined by a coroner and it was declared that he died of natural causes because of his documented history of heart disease.

The second victim was Alfred Reginald Greenfield, who was found completely nude in the Sydney Domain Baths on June 4th, 1961. He was stabbed over 30 times, and his penis was completely severed from his body. He was peacefully sitting on a park bench in Green Park across the road from St. Vincent’s Hospital in Darlinghurst when MacDonald offered Greenfield a drink and lured him into the Domain Baths, offering him even more alcohol after that. He patiently waited until Greenfield passed out drunk, and then stabbed him 30 times. The first blow severed the arteries in his neck, killing him. After Greenfield was dead, MacDonald pulled down his pants and castrated him, throwing the severed member into the Sydney Harbor.

Victim #3, 55 year old William Cobbin, was found in a public bathroom in Moore Park, stabbed repeatedly and his groin mutilated just like Alfred Greenfield. MacDonald was strolling down South Dowling Street when he met Cobbin, and proceeded to lure him into Moore Park, where they drank beer in the public restroom where he was found by the police. Before he attacked Cobbin, MacDonald pulled on a plastic raincoat, and then used an uppercut motion to stab him in the neck with a hunting knife, severing his jugular vein as he sat on a toilet seat. Cobbin desperately tried to defend himself by putting up his hands to block MacDonald’s blows, but he continued to strike him, drenching the stall with blood. Following his signature, MacDonald severed his newest victim’s penis and dropped it in a plastic bag with his weapon and left the scene.

William MacDonald’s fourth victim, Frank Gladstone McLean, was killed on March 31st, 1962. His lifeless corpse was discovered in suburban Darlinghurst, New South Wales, and was almost stopped by an approaching family. Just before the murder, MacDonald bought a new knife from a sports store in Sydney. Leaving Oxford Hotel in Darlinghurst, he tailed McLean down Bourke Street, and struck up a conversation with him, convincing him to have a drink with him just around the corner in Bourke Lane. Upon entry of Bourke Lane, MacDonald plunged a knife into McLean’s throat, and he was unfortunately too inebriated to effectively fight back. MacDonald proceeded to stab him in the face and punch him. MacDonald heard the coos of the baby belonging to an approaching family, and promptly hid to avoid being seen. McLean was still alive, barely breathing and bleeding profusely by the father, who then went with his family to go get help. When they were gone, MacDonald stabbed him once more, killing him with a total of six stab wounds. He again removed his victim’s genitals, bagged them, and got rid of them the next day.

MacDonald’s final victim, 42 year old Patrick James Hackett, was murdered on Saturday, June 6th, 1962. He was a convicted thief, and had just been released from prison. MacDonald took him into his home (an apartment above the new sandwich business he just started) for a friendly drink. When Hackett fell unconscious from intoxication, MacDonald stabbed him straight through the neck with a boning knife he used to prepare sandwiches for his customers. After the first blow, Hackett awoke, and pushed MacDonald’s knife into his other hand, slashing it. He then struck Hackett in the heart, killing him instantaneously. Though his victim was already dead, MacDonald kept stabbing him, until his entire apartment was dripping with buckets of blood. His weapon was blunted, so he couldn’t carry on with the ritual of castration, so he just fell asleep next to Hackett’s corpse.

When MacDonald woke up, the blood from last night’s massacre had mostly dried and even soaked through the floorboards, almost on the shop counter downstairs. He cleaned up the mess as best as he could (which was not much), dragged the body under the shop, and went to the hospital to get his hand stitched up, telling the doctor that he wounded himself while making a sandwich. Fearing police detection, MacDonald fled to Brisbane. Three weeks later, the neighbors complained of a putrid odor emanating from the sandwich shop, calling the health department, who in turn notified the police. The cops found the rotting corpse of Hackett on November 20th, 1962. The corpse was already so decomposed, it was impossible to identify. It was misidentified as Alan Edward Brennan, William MacDonald’s alias. His old coworkers from working at the post office even prepared a service for him.

William moved to New Zealand, though once he got the itch to kill again, he returned to Sydney, where he ran into one of his old coworkers, John McCarthy, who recognized him immediately. He ran off and fled to Melbourne. McCarthy tried to inform the police that MacDonald is alive and well, but they didn’t believe him, so he went to the Daily Mirror newspaper to speak to crime reporter Joe Morris, who believed him. He wrote an article headlined “Case of the Walking Corpse.” Upon further examination, they used fingerprints to ID finally ID the body as James Hackett. The stab wounds and severed genitalia linked to the Sydney Mutilator’s other killings.

Sydney police obtained a police sketch of MacDonald, which was sent out to every newspaper in the nation. At the time, he was working as a porter under the name of David Allan, trying to disguise himself using dyed hair and a mustache, but to no avail. He was instantly recognized by his coworkers. William MacDonald was arrested as he went to collect his weekly paycheck on May 13th, 1963.

In questioning, he immediately confessed to his crimes, reporting that his insatiable need to kill stemmed from the corporal who raped him as a teenager, causing him to exact his revenge on strangers at random. As a man with schizophrenia, he said that the voices in his head told him that his victims were actually the corporal who assaulted him. “I thought when the corporal attacked me, he took my life away. So I thought I’d destroy his sex the same way.” He also said that the imaginary voices taunted him at night saying, “kill...kill...kill!”

William MacDonald was charged with four counts of murder, and was committed for trial on August 15th, 1963. The trial began in September, and he pled not guilty on grounds of insanity, reinforced by the psychiatrists. He testified in great detail about his crimes so vividly that some of the jurors fainted and had to be carried out of the courtroom. The jury found him guilty, but denied his plea of insanity, sentencing him to life imprisonment. He is the longest serving inmate in the South Wales prison system. He reported that his life had greatly improved in jail, having become a vegetarian and a lover of classical music, and due to his exemplary behavior, he was recommended for release. However, he became very institutionalized and begged them not to release him. “I wouldn’t last five minutes out there,” he said. He expressed his fear that he would kill again if let out.

He spent 52 years behind bars before he died of natural causes in 2015.

#history #true #crime #true crime #criminology #murder #killing #serial #killer #murderer #criminal #historical #homicide #60s #1960s #the sixties #sixties #australia #serial killer #serial killers #fact #facts #fun fact #fun facts #information #info #info dump #info dumps #useless fact #useless facts

[callicalliope]

Okay so

I did not plan on writing this one, but I feel like I have to share it at this point.

I used to be in a relationship with a guy, let's call him Nathan.

We got together May 2019 after a trip to Budapest. Everything was picture perfect.

Now, I suffer from anxiety, and I was extremely worried of being abandoned as I have been before, but turns out it was not the case with this guy. He was sweet, charming, caring, and he obviously loved me very much.

I went to an other trip, also in Hungary, which he refused to participate in.

While I was there, Nathan's puppy got really sick, turns out she was born with a disease which I cannot explain in English. The puppy died while I was away. Nathan had an arguement with his best friend and cut off contact.

Now, Nathan was always a kind of weird guy. He never really had friends and was extremely antisocial. It was not a problem in itself of course. But when I got home from the trip a week later, I found him severely depressed. He only talked about negative things and often scared me. He told me he was unsure if he even loved me, which wrecked my heart, but I ignored everything and tried to help him the best I could. I did everything a 16 year old could have done in that situation. He refused to get helo, which worried me. He also had some physical problems, but he refused to see a doctor. All in all, he got better sometimes and went downhill again. His mood changed in 0.01 seconds. I ignored everything. I wanted to help him, I loved him. I also noticed that I was unable to bring him along when I was with my friends. When he did show up, he barely talked. It stressed me further, but in the end I let it go, because I knew how it felt. I only had those 3-4 people in my life and I had an extremely hard time making friends.

School started again, he was in his last year (Nathan is one year older than me). He is an extremely smart guy, but he refused to study. I was worried about him, because his parents were rich and he had everything, but that will not be the case forever.

I came over once to tell him that he needs to study and think about his future. He became extremely angry, told me to get out of the house and refused to talk to me. In the end, turns out he was going to break up with me because of this. Anyways, we did not part ways. I went to an exchange student program. When I got home, everything was fine for a few weeks.

There is a school tradition that every 11 grader goes to a trip to Budapest. I was preparing for the trip and asked Nathan to come with me to shop for food. We went by foot, and I accidentally missed a street so we had to walk for 5 more minutes. He became extremely mad and refused to talk to me. It was nighttime and extremely dark, but he turned around and started to walk away. I threw a tantrum and he told me he is breaking up with me. He called me awful names. Well, we talked for hours, turns out he felt like he was too sick for me. So we stayed together once more.

Things got better, and I started to blame myself for everything that happened in the past.

Nathan did not hide some of his awful traits anymore. He lives with his grandma, but he treats her like shit. He yells at him all the time. He also yells at his mother, and it gets physical sometimes. I became terrified of my own boyfriend.

The holidays passed and as Nathan began to show more and more of his true colours, I slowly began to develop some sort of panic disorder. I blamed it on my mother, I was scared of him.

Quarantine came, and I started to feel empty. Like I did not love him anymore. He was angry a lot, too, but I blamed it on the exams.

When the lockdown was lifted, he began to attend classes again. One time my mother allowed me to go to his place after singing class which I attended. Nathan told me to wait for him at his place, but I was anxious about being there alone, so I waited for him at the park. For 2 hours. He was extremely angry, he told me he expected to get home and find his loving girlfriend waiting for him in his bed. Well, he did not speak to me while we walked home, then he shut the door in my face. I had a panic attack, one of the worsts. I knew I could not go home because my mother would not let me meet him again. I stood there, terrified and begging him via texts to let me in because I'm sick, which he refused. I was in an awful state, but I managed to call my best friend and she came to the nearest park to calm me down. He soon forgave me and I did not talk about the accident again.

The summer was awful. He spent it arguing with me and hating on my friends. I tried to conceal everything, but my mom discovered some bits. She couldn't do much so she had to let it go.

It became harder and harder for me to fall asleep. One night I was feeling pretty decent and ready to actually rest, but he told me he needed a break right before bedtime. I was shattered.

Earlier he told me he did not like the fact that I was pansexual, because he felt like I was part of something he was not. So I told him I was no longer that.

He instantly regretted asking for a break and I once again felt pained and powerless.

He threw a tantrum via text during my mom's birthday, ruining my mood. Next day, when we were celebrating with friends and he attended too, he was mad that I did not greet him happily after the incident. He once again wanted to break up.

My mental health was circling down the drain by this point.

He hated my friends. He did not even try to hide it anymore. He even wanted me to drop them, but he was careful to not speak that out loud.

I invited him to another get together and he ruined the mood. He did not talk to anyone and accused me of degrading him when he thought I told something to my best friend. He was also offended by a joke: when my best friend said something about me being stupid in a joking way, my boyfriend agreed, once again joking, so I pretended to be mad and moved from him to her side. He was furious. He argued with me all the way home, calling me awful. He said he was only with me because he did not have other options.

He continued degrading my friends and me. He was also extremely jelaous. He also threw terrifying tantrums. I woke up once to him throwing a printer on the ground, slamming the table, screaming. He even broke a door once. All while perfectly aware that these things triggered my panic attacks. But this was not the worst.

TW: sexual abuse and self harm

After lockdown ended, I allowed him to tie my hands behind once. He became addicted and one day he showed me he purchased objects like a whip etc etc. I was scared, but I also knew he would be mad if I refused, so I instead set boundaries. Sometimes I had to be the dominant one, but most of the time it was him. I did not enjoy either.

On his birthday, he decided there were no boundaries. I do not like pain, I do not like to be hit, I do not like to be degraded, but I tolerated it. But that night was different.

He told me a safe word which was so ridiculous I knew it would ruin his mood, causing him to hurt me more. That night will haunt me.

It gets blurry, but I remember being put against the window, no one could see us, but I saw a car and a man in it. I wanted to scream down for help. I remember crying the whole fuckin time, asking him to stop. I remember collapsing and him getting mad at me for it. I remember nearly breaking my leg. I remember him pulling my short hair behind so much he nearly broke my neck. I remember me finally refusing something and him getting mad, telling me to take over, which I could not, because I was horrified. I remember him getting mad and telling me I ruined his birthday. I remember the pain, the humiliation, the disbelief that this happened to me.

And I hid it. I did not tell anyone. I harmed myself, I had panic attacks, I had anxiety, but I did not tell. He did not have anyone in his life, just me.

In early december, he called me a degenerate bitch, a slut, he said he hopes I'll die. Because I, someone interested in history, told him an other perspective. By this time he became alarmingly anti-woman, anti-anyone who disagreed with him and so much more. I did not dare to tell him when I went out with friends. He was obsessed with being right, and he was suffocating. So he degraded me to this level, and I stormed over, dropped his stuff and broke up with him. He came over and began begging me to take him back. I agreed. I was scared. I was also having a panic attack because my mom thought he might do something to himself.

I fell in love with my classmate in the meantime. It was nothing serious, but being with him comforted me. I knew we could never be together, but I clang onto the feeling and pulled myself together. Three days later he called me names once more for refusing to allow him to call my best friends sluts. I broke up with him again. My mother told me I won't be able to break away from him this way. I decided to change tactics. I reconciled with him and decided to distance myself instead. One thing Nathan is good at is manipulating people.

My birthday was coming up. I celebrated with my family earlier. As I was cleaning the house, my boyfriend texted me. He told me he almost killed his mom. Because of a stupid arguement about cookies. I was horrified. When family came over, I called my aunt to come with me to my room and I I told her everything. She was in an abusive marriage before. She only told me to run. With this courage, I told my father and my uncle (who is like a second father to me). My father was diabolical, nearly crying. I had to block Nathan on every platform. My father told him to never be around me again. So he started harassing me. The night before my birthday he started pulling up the shades, leaving messages that he would come back an hour later. My father threatened him. After my birthday, his mom called us and begged me to visit Nathan. She wanted to get me to go to couple therapy with him. I am only 18. 18.

We had to go there because he began to cut his arms. It was a horrifying sight. But he did not have any serious injuries.

He wanted to coerce me into resuming the relationship 2 months later, saying he would get help. I knew he was not taking his meds. I knew he was lying. And I left. Now, I cannot walk the streets alone.

On New Year's Eve, I got together with another man. I love him. So far, he makes me feel like a real person, a valid person, and I never felt safer than around him. He makes me happy and I feel like crying whenever I think about the fact that this nightmare is over and I can still be loved. It's hard to heal and he understands. And I am truly happy.

Solid advice: do not stay. You are not your lover's psychologist. You help them, you are there for them, but in the end, it is up to them to grow. Have power to let go. Do not let them manipulate you like Nathan manipulated me. And never be afraid to get help, to talk about it.

#me too campaign #me too #metoo

[jimlingss]

His Name [5]

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 Words: 7.6k Genre: Angst, Multiple Personality!Au Summary: Jeon Jungkook is a puzzle with too many missing pieces from his past and too many sides. Somehow, it’s become your job to solve him. → Inspired by the Korean Drama - Kill Me Heal Me Warnings: Topics of mental health. Mentions of death, suicide and medical disorders. Disclaimer: Although this piece of work required lots of in-depth research and was attempted to be as accurate as possible, at the end of the day, I am not a psychologist and this is fanfiction. Specific things may be altered or exaggerated for story-telling purposes. Please take all medical terminologies and procedures with a grain of salt.

Cr.

You’ve always hated the colour orange.

It reminds you of the eerie jack-o’-lanterns that haunted you as a child every Halloween. It reminds you of the sour citrus your mother used to give you, the carrots you used to dig out of your soup, your pet goldfish that you had to flush down the toilet once it died, the basketballs that hit your face and gave you a bleeding nose.

As an adult, you still hate the colour orange - especially because when he’s wearing it.

“What’s wrong?” He grins, the scruffy shadow that looked like it crawled up to his face to die no longer exists, shaved clean and you couldn’t be more thankful. At least he looks more like his age now, despite the dark circles and faint wrinkles.

“Nothing’s wrong.” You scoff, rolling your eyes.

“Obviously there is.” He nags. “You’re frowning.”

You unscrunch your eyebrows, raising it up your forehead. “I’m not!”

He laughs through the telephone line. “You were. What. a. liar.”

“Can we stop talking about me and start talking about you?” You look at him through the glass, holding the phone handle tight in your hand. “What are your plans when you get out?”

“Get out?!” He grins with bright eyes, shaking his head. “Y/N. I’m not getting out of this place for at least another fifty years.”

You exhale a long breath, preparing yourself for what you’ve been planning to say the entire time. “Seonho, I’m going to hire a lawyer. We’re going to appeal your case.”  

“Y/N. Just stop.” Your former best friend grows somber, his face void of any expression. “Stop. I’m done. Do you think appeal is that easy? And I don’t want to go to court anymore.”

“Seonho-”

“You know, it’s actually pretty amazing in here.” He smiles at you. “I get free food, a warm place to sleep and some people in here are pretty cool. It might as well be heaven! I get walks, art classes, play basketball outside and shoot hoops - which by the way I’m getting pretty good at. Why would I want to leave?!”

You open your mouth but he interrupts. “Enough about me. Let’s talk about you, who is this guy that you’re living with?” Seonho raises his eyebrows up and down suggestively and you sigh.

“He’s just...he’s my…” You’re not sure what to say at this point. “Jungkook. His name is Jungkook.” “Is he handsome?”

“Seonho!”

“What?” He sheepishly smiles. “I want to know. Does he have a good paying job? Good stability? How old is he? How tall is he? Does he have a criminal background?”

“Why?” You cock your head to one side. “Are you going to a marriage interview with him?”

“No.” He pouts at your accusation. “I just want to know who the future husband of Miss L/N Y/N will be.”

“It’s not like that.” You frown, a serious tone that kills the light mood. “I work for him. And I’m busy. There’s no time to think about those things.”

Seonho gazes at you from the other side, his expression soft and something lodges in your throat; guilt. His hands twitch and for a moment, you’re waiting for him to press his palm on the glass but it ultimately drops into his lap. He sighs before his tiny smile clears the air. He giggles, sitting up straighter. “Y/N, Y/N, Y/N. Always thinking about work, aren’t you? Do you want to drown in it?! What kind of man will want to marry you when you turn forty, fifty, sixty? They wouldn’t even marry you if you were still in your early twenties.”

You narrow your eyes accusatively at him. “Are you dissing me? And who says I need to get married? Last time I checked, we’re living in the twenty first century and females aren’t obligated to-”

“Y/N.” His orbs connect to yours as he leans back in his seat. His fingers tighten around the black handset of the phone. “I want you to be happy.”

There’s a slight pause before you open your mouth. “I am happy.”

You pout, internally cursing at how your voice sounded whiny and defensive. He immediately notices and laughs. “Are you sure about that?”

“I’m sure.” You cross your arms, sandwiching the phone between your cheek and shoulder as you glare at him.

“Y/N.” He’s your oldest friend, from childhood to the present.

If fate wasn’t so cruel, things could’ve been different.

But then you would’ve never met Jungkook. You would’ve never been able to help him. You’re not sure what’s a blessing or curse anymore. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s neither.

“I just want you to be happy.”

//

The chandelier hangs from above, reflecting light onto the golden sewn tablecloth and rebounding off the wine glasses. His bangs are styled in the familiar comma motion, crisp black suit pressed onto his body. She’s wearing a gorgeous dress, lace sweetheart neckline that hugs her torso and curves before spilling out in ruffles. You, on the other hand, went with a plain and modest, black business dress; not wanting to draw attention or take away from who was actually important.

It’s a not-so-simple fine course dinner meal with Jungkook’s parents and Inhye’s. As if the luxurious atmosphere wasn’t enough, the air was heavy with tension. There weren’t any problems between the two families, quite the opposite as they both were benefiting from this marriage and the two men were old friends with each other. It was the quietness between the engaged couple, obviously sharing little feelings for each other and the glares Jungkook shot his father from time to time. Jungkook’s step-mother never spoke much of a word, looking around and taking sips of her wine, appearing like she was bored and didn’t want to be there - she could care less about him.

You were starting to regret coming, despite Jungkook begging you to join him. You’re not sure why but he told you he was afraid that he would switch to his alters; some disaster might occur and no one would be there to help. It’s understandable but you’re sure there’s more underlying reasons - you just don’t know what they are.

“Y/N is Jungkook’s cousin.” Inhye smiles politely and you introduce yourself to her parents.

It’s difficult to lie, you’re almost envious of her. She has a talent, an aura of refined beauty and her eloquence quickly dissipated the tension in the air. She kindheartedly asked Jungkook’s parents how they were doing and she eased his step-mother into a conversation, all while making sure you didn’t feel outcasted. It didn’t long before everyone but Jungkook himself was smiling and enjoying the high quality meal.

“Are you okay?” You lean over, muttering under your breath to him.

He scowls. “I’m fine.” After realizing how he snapped at you without a legitimate reason, he sighs. “Sorry. I just...don’t want to be here.”

“It’s okay.” You reassure him with a nod. You don’t blame him for not wanting to stay in his father’s presence. “Take a deep breath. It’ll be over soon. Tell me if there’s something wrong.”

Jungkook looks at you gratefully before you settle back into your seat, tuning into the conversation once again.

The door opens minutes later.

The pianist slips mutedly into the room, taking equal strides to the black instrument tucked in the corner. He settles on the bench, lifting up the fall board before cracking his fingers. With one inhale, straightening his spine and relaxing his shoulders, his hand begins to glide on the keys.

Music erupts into the air, flooding the once empty background silence with sweet melodies.

Jungkook whips his head around.  

Everyone is distracted, boisterous laughter ringing in your eardrums but you notice. His frown disappears, replaced with a blank expression but eyes full of horror. He grows even more quiet than before, listening to the piano play.

             Jet locks sweeping his forehead.

                                                           Cold eyes grown warm.

                           Lips upturned into a gentle smile.

                                                                              “I’ve improved, haven’t I?”

A boy turns around from the wooden bench, looking down at him who’s sitting on the floor. Sunrays puncture through the glass windows, blinding his eyes and burning to the back of his lids - Jungkook raises his hand away from the light. He still can’t make out the boy’s face.

“Are you okay?” Your hand slides underneath the table to touch his, worried at how pale his face has gotten.

His trance shatters. He’s pulled back to reality. And Jungkook looks back at you with wide eyes, swallowing hard. He doesn’t know why tears are threatening to pour down his cheeks, why his chest squeezes so painfully and he feels like choking over the lump in his throat. But from your comforting hand and soothing orbs, he inhales a staggering breath and calms down. Something pulls tightly on the depths of his mind, screaming at him to let go - ‘Jungkook, I can help you.’ - but he resists the alter. He resists and resists, crying back at them and then- silence.

They’re gone.

He’s never been able to fight back and win before.

Jungkook smiles at you, one that tells you everything has simmered down. You nod, taking your hand away from his and sitting back in your seat before anyone can notice. He takes a small sigh of relief, still stunned that he’s here, not having shifted into someone else. For the first time - Jungkook feels in control.

Unfortunately, in the next ten minutes, Jimin makes his grand appearance. His eyes turn into crescent moons when he smiles, an angelic aura that Inhye’s parents dote on and his sweet nature allows for easier conversation. Jungkook’s step-mother doesn’t seem to notice but his father raises a brow at the sudden change. Inhye is relieved that he has spoken for the first time tonight - completely unaware that he’s not Jeon Jungkook.

//

“Friends..?”

He looks at you full of doubt and you nod, continuing to urge him. “Even if they’re just acquaintances. Why don’t you try?”

Jungkook stares at you questionably before sharply exhaling. He tilts his head, considering your persuasive words. “Okay. I’ll try.”

You didn't want him to grow too dependent on you. At some point you weren't going to be there anymore, even if the thought was for some reason unsettling. Nonetheless, Jungkook had to be able to function well on his own. Establishing relationships and friendships outside, building a good support system, are all essential.

You’re watering the garden when he arrives back home. The seeds have rooted firmly into the soil, taking in the nutrients of the sun and growing into tiny saplings. It’s the mere height of your finger but even so, it’s progress well made.

“So I contacted some old friends…” Jungkook is sitting on the grass beside the planter box, legs crossed and shimmering eyes peering into yours. “Yugyeom and a bunch of them. It went pretty well.”

You smile at him. “That’s really good, Jungkook. I’m proud of you.”

The next day, he heads off to a date with Inhye.

You’re left alone once more.

Aside from work, Jungkook never leaves the house. You should be happy that he’s left since the sun has risen and now the sun is beginning to dip over the horizon. Yet, you don’t know why you keep looking at the clock; sometimes stuck in a reverie, counting the seconds down.

“Hey, I’m home!” The door shuts behind him, the sound of shoes falling to the ground echoing through the entrance. It takes less than one heartbeat for you to spin your head around and jump to your feet.

“Jungkook?!”

He’s in a dark blue button down shirt, sleeves rolled to his elbow and his locks lay messily on his head. His eyes crinkle together as he smiles at you. “I’m sorry, Y/N.” He looks down to the floor and you notice the bouquet of sunflowers in his hand. “I’m Jimin.”

“O-oh. Why are you apologizing?” You put your hands behind your back, exaggerating your stiff smile. “I love seeing you too, Jimin.”

He gleams, stepping into the living room. “Jungkook did very well on his date. But he got a little bit nervous towards the end, hence why you see me now.” The both of you are in silence as he nervously scratches the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing again?”

“It’s-” He hesitates, carefully looking at you. “I’m worried. These days, I’m...we’re spending a lot of time with Inhye. You’re not...hurt, are you?”

“No.” You deadpan before clearing your throat. “I mean why would I be? It’s understandable. She’s your-..Jungkook’s fiancée.”  

Jimin soaks in your words, the corners of his lips tilting subtly as he lifts his arm. “These are for you.” When you’re in a daze, staring at the bouquet, he reaches for your hand and curls your fingers around the wrapping parchment.

They’re the loveliest sunflowers with baby breath strands, hues of sundrops and gold, the floral scent already enveloping your body. “You didn’t have to.” Your voice comes out as a weak whisper as you connect your orbs to his.

“I know.” He grins. “I wanted to. And also...he wanted to.”  

“Jungkook?”

“Yeah, him too. But that’s not who I’m talking about.”

You frown, unable to decipher his puzzle. “Who?”

Jimin shrugs playfully, patting your head once as he brushes past you. You don’t know who he’s referring to but you have a feeling that perhaps...maybe…it’s-

The nameless man.

//

“My father wasn’t always like this.” Jungkook reveals, sitting adjacent to you in a cushioned chair. “I remember a time when he was...kinder and happier. It was before my mother passed away.”

“How did he deal with your mother’s passing?” You inquire, observing him carefully as he sighs.

“He didn’t. Or...now that I think about it. I think he just locked himself in his room. I remember knocking on the door but a relative dragged me away. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Then one day, he acted ‘normally’ - like nothing had ever happened.”

You hum. “Do you think he ever got over your mother’s death?”

“Yes...well, I don’t know.” He huffs out, scratching the back of his neck. “He quickly remarried within the year.”

“And how did you feel about that?”

“I absolutely hated it.” He spits out with a bitter tongue, looking up at you. “I hated it. It felt like he didn’t care, that he was waiting for the opportunity. I remember feeling confused..and hurt.”

“Why do you think he remarried so quickly?”

Jungkook contemplates the question for a while before shrugging. “I couldn’t tell you. Maybe he felt like he needed someone….maybe my step-mother saw an opportunity to become rich by marrying a businessman and she seized it. Maybe he felt like I needed a mother.”

“In what ways are you angry with your father and in what ways are you happy with him?”

“Angry?” He laughs emotionlessly, eyes drifting to the crown moulding on the ceiling. “I could go on for days. But I’m not sure if angry is the right word. I’m not angry at him. I’m disappointed. I’m hurt. I-...want him to be happy. I’m not angry at how he remarried but how he didn’t even talk to me about it, didn’t mention to me a thing until it happened and the short time between my mother’s death. I felt lonely when he brought me to my grandparents to live. Even worse when I was shipped off to boarding school.”

“In what ways am I happy?” This question takes Jungkook a significant amount of time to think about before he answers. “I guess I got to spend a lot of time with my grandparents before they passed. Other than that…..I can’t think of anything. The only happy memories I have with him are when my mother was still alive.”

If he focuses his mind hard enough, he can see a vague image of a dinner table. The house is dark, sky pitch black except for the dim lights in the room. His father looks significantly younger despite the lines of exhaustion marring his face but he’s grinning, laughing, smiling. His mother is blushing, stealing a glance at her husband. Jungkook gets tingles within his stomach, butterflies of giggles erupting from his own chest. He turns to his side, catching another grin from a boy who’s-

“From what you told me, Jungkook, it looks like your father had a really difficult time coping with your mother’s death. I’m aware your relationship with him isn’t good. I know you’re hurt and it’s understandable. However way he might’ve hurt you is unacceptable and I understand there are a lot of issues in your relationship. Do you ever feel blamed because of the past?”

He shakes his head. “No. I know that at the end of the day, they were his decisions and only his. There was nothing I could’ve done to control what he did to me. It was out of my control.”

“Good.” You nod. “It’s really important to remember that. You're not a mind reader, Jungkook.” He connects his brown orbs straight into yours and you don’t waver for a second. “You never forced him to make any decision. Nothing was your fault.”

Recently, he had shown exceptional improvement in controlling his emotions and his ability to identify them. His understanding of the alters and his past have grown, more memories returning. Jungkook has informed you on multiple occasions how he resisted switching and you observed how the rate of his panic attacks have decreased, also in shorter durations. He’s been able to successfully manage his stress and anxiety, especially at his workplace.  

“There are some personalities that I haven’t met yet…” You move onto a new subject, eyes flickering. It’s been days and you haven’t been able to get it out of your mind - the nameless man.

“He hasn’t told me his name. He has a lower voice, a bit of a temper...do you know who he is?”

Jungkook frowns then shakes his head. “I couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright-”

“I can try.” Before you can say otherwise, the boy swiftly shuts his eyes. He grows quiet, face emotionless and in the next moment, his lids flutter back. “Y/N?”

“Jungkook?”

He smiles, both the corners of his lips lifting. “Nope. C’mon Y/N, you have to be able to get it right….” The way he stares at you in anticipation has you sweating, absolutely no ideas on who it could be. “Yah~ It’s Jin. Seokjin! Did you forget about me already?! How is that possible when I’m this-” He pretends to flip his fake long locks. “-beautiful?!”

Despite disappointment greeting you in the back of your mind and pits of your stomach, you grin back at him. “It’s been awhile, Jin.”

“It has indeed. Now tell me…” He inhales. “...has my package arrived yet?”

Evaluation Report #3 Patient: Jeon Jungkook Diagnosis: Dissociative Identity Disorder -Patient has the ability to control emotions to a better extent. His tolerance under stressful environments has dramatically increased. Panic attacks have significantly decreased. -Patient has increased spending time outdoors while building solid relationships outside work and home environments. -Excelled in phase one - hasn’t completely achieved control but manages stress spectacularly. -Shift more towards phase two - focusing on uncovering the underlying problems; memories and past. -An unknown alter identified. Further investigations are required.*

“Y/N?”

Your fingers halt on the keyboard and you turn to see half his face sticking through the crack of your door. “Oh, you’re back. Is there something wrong?”

Jungkook had ran some errands by himself, a small mission that you had sent him on.

“No, there’s nothing wrong.” He lingers outside, nervous as he subtly rocks from side to side on his toes. “I already ate but I was wondering if you’ve had dinner yet.”

You think back to your nut bar that you stuffed down your throat a few hours ago. “Yeah...I’ve eaten.” It wasn’t a complete lie but you didn’t want him to worry and you needed to finish typing up his report anyway. “I’m fine.”

“O-okay. Good.” He nods. “Well...I’m going to bed soon. It’s almost past midnight, you should too.”

“I will.” You falsely promise. “Good night, Jungkook.”

The corners of his lips tilt upwards, eyes downcasted to the ground as he meekly murmurs-

“Good night, Y/N.”

//

It’s the bewitching hour, past two in the morning with the outside of your glass windows black.

You’re tucked underneath your covers, body melting into the mattress. Exhaustion seeps into your skin and you’re in a daze, just about to tip over into sleep - when there’s a sudden but gentle knock on your door.

“J-Jungkook?” Your voice croaks into the silence and one of your eyes flutter open.

The door hinges creak as it opens slightly, timid pitter-pattering steps entering the room and closing the door. You blearily squint into the night, recognizing Jungkook’s figure. He’s standing at the foot of your bed, pouting at you while clutching his pillow to his body. “It’s Hobi.”

“Oh.” You lay your hand over your forehead, chest heaving. “What are you doing here, Hoseok?”

“Jungkookie...he’s scared.” He whispers out faintly. “Can we sleep here tonight?”

You’re unable to think of any reasons to disagree with his plea. You don’t have any energy to calm him down and bring him back to bed either, weak and drained. So, with an unsteady hand, you reach over to the other corner of the covers and tug it open.

“Sure. You’re welcome to.”

Hoseok breaks out into a massive grin, the apples of his cheeks rounded. His feet slide on the wooden floorboards, shuffling slowly to the other side of the bed and carefully, he climbs in with you. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“You’re very...welcome.”

He shifts closer to you, curling up into a ball but still maintains a comfortable distance away.

You close your eyes, finally falling asleep. Five hours might’ve passed or fifteen minutes, you’re dragged in and out of reality, head spinning with snippets of dreams still stuck in your head. When you open your eyes, you realize you had only slept an hour or so.

Your entire body is wet with cold sweat, clothes sticking to your back but your limbs are too numb to reach over to the lamp, much less try to walk to the washroom to clean yourself up. The boy is next to you, expression peaceful as soft exhales leave parted lips. You glance at him before exhaustion swallows you again. In a desperate attempt to seek some sort of warmth, you move closer; head grazing his and faces mere millimeters away.

Twenty minutes pass and Jungkook is shaken awake by another nightmare. He flinches, hyperventilating as he scans the premise. That’s when he realizes that he’s in your room, his arm is draped over your waist and you’re cuddled up right next to him. “Y/N?”

The delicate call makes you open your eyes, barely sleeping in the first place. “Jungkook?”

“Why am I here?” He swallows hard, his face flushing at the proximity.

For once in his life, he’s thankful for the dark.

“Oh. Hoseok came in.” You breathlessly whisper back to him and he frowns. Without a heartbeat to waste, Jungkook raises his arm up to your forehead, placing it gently down as he nibbles on his bottom lip.

“You’re burning up!” He cries, a huge knot building between his brows. You try your best to shake your head despite the surroundings swirling.

“No…” A slight pause as you inhale. “...I’m not.”

It sounds like an atrocious lie to your own ears but if you had a trace of energy, you would care.

“Look you’re sweating.” He reaches over switching on the lamp. The sudden brightness that floods the room makes you wince, struggling to pull the covers over your head. “You have a fever. Stay here. Don’t move.”

It’s almost four in the morning, daybreak still hours away but Jungkook doesn’t hesitate to rush to his feet. You want to cry in protest from the missing warmth but in the back of your mind, you recognize that it might be inappropriate. A boundary was already crossed when you allowed him to stay in the same bed as you.

He returns in the next five minutes carrying a cold, damp washcloth and loads of blankets in his arms. In one motion, he opens all of them up, piling them on top of you and he wipes your forehead clean of sweat. He turns to leave once more and you catch his hand within your frailer one.

“Jungkook-” You whine out his name, not sure what you’re about to ask from him. Perhaps to simply stay by your side, plead him to crawl back under the sheets with you. At this point, your head is pounding in a way that you don’t care what’s inappropriate anymore.

“I’ll be back alright?” The pad of his thumb soothingly draws circles over your hand. He’s speaking gently, barely above a whisper as he smiles at you. “I’m going to grab a thermometer.”

//

Something knocks over on your nightstand. A groan. A sigh. Tapping on the keyboard. Pacing of footsteps. “Oh god.”

You open your eyes, the red digits of your clock staring back at you. Forty minutes have gone since you fell back asleep. It takes a good second for your foggy vision to clear up and you’re faced with Jungkook. He’s still in his white shirt and blue short pajamas, biting his lips as he paces the room with his laptop open in hand, staring wide eyed at the screen.

“Oh!” He jumps as his pupils land on you. “Y/N. Good. You’re up. Quickly now. Tell me your symptoms.”

A voice unrecognizable as your own croaks out. “W-....what?”

“Are you nauseous? Does your stomach hurt? Earlier today, did you see blood in your stool? Or…” He plops down to the ground, right next to you as he lowers his screen. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. It’s a natural female bodily function. Are you menstruating? Or are you ovulating?”

“W-what...are you doing?”

He deadpans as if it were obvious, “I’m using the internet to diagnose you.”

“Jungkook?”

He corrects- “Namjoon.”

“Oh.” You don’t mean it to slip from your lips but it does through your throbbing headache. “Why is he shifting so much today?”

“It’s most likely due to the many emotional changes that he’s currently experiencing.” Namjoon states simply. “He’s feeling anxious right now. Because of you.” Your heart unwillingly stutters. “But nevermind that, just tell me how you’re feeling.”

“I...have a headache and my throat is sore. I feel dizzy and cold...but hot at the same time. My muscles hurt and I’m really..tired.” From your words, he begins to type on the keyboard, eyes burning through the monitor. “Namjoon.”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry. For last time.” You move your hand to touch your forehead, coming into contact with a damp cloth. He doesn’t look up at you, too focused and concentrated but you stare at him through your lashes. “For making you feel like you’re not an individual but a mere alter.”

Namjoon can tell that you’ve been brooding about it for a long time considering the last time he had that conversation with you was a while ago. He finally looks up at you with a dimpled smile. “Y/N. It’s fine, I didn’t take it to heart. But thank you.” There’s a warm silence and you’re caught in his tender gaze. “I know you care. So, sincerely...thank you.”

He stands to his feet, switching off the lamp at the table. “I’ll be back. I’m just going to print this off.” You nod your head, staring at his upturned lips until the door is shut and you’re enveloped into darkness.

Ten minutes.

You’re dozing off, nearly falling asleep again until you’re shot wide awake with the thought of Namjoon not returning. Did he trip down the stairs? Did he try to go outside for medicine? What if he swapped into someone else? Grudgingly, you throw off the numerous layers of your blankets to stand on your feet. The surroundings twist unnaturally and you support your weight with the wall, stumbling out the door.

The light blinds you but you follow the noise that comes from his office.

“Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!” He shouts hysterically. Jungkook is standing in the middle of his office with papers in his hand, his dark hair sticking upwards in various directions. The sight would usually be endearing, only if you weren’t ready to throw up all over the floor. “Y/N!”

“Nam-” No. It’s not Namjoon. The man who looks at you with bulging eyes, pale from his forehead to his chin is definitely not the composed Namjoon. This stranger is in absolute hysterics. “Hoseok?”

“You have syphilis!” He flips to the next page in another horrified shriek. “Or type one diabetes! Or-or...or…..reactive arthritis!”

“No. I don’t.” You try to stand straight, attempting to sound firm but it fails.

Hoseok abandons the papers, dropping them as he approaches you in three steps. His mouth is downturned to the ground, sniffling his nose and he looks like he’s about to burst into a frenzied bawl. But instead, he engulfs your shivering body into his warm and strong arms. He digs his nose into your pajama shirt, whimpering softly, “Please don’t die.”

“I won’t.” You reassure him, bringing up your hand to run through his locks. He relaxes and you bring your other arm up to wrap around his shoulder. “I’m fine. I’m going to live. I won’t die, I promise.”

“We should go to the hospital...just in case.” He murmurs in your ear.

“Hoseok, I’m fin-” A strangled yelp leaves your lips as he pulls your arm out the door. You’re unable to resist and protest, not with Jungkook’s massive strength. Soon, you find yourself by the closet, being wrapped up with three jackets and swallowed by four scarves. “Hoseok.”

“We’re going to the hospital.” He announces in seriousness. “What if you have a curable disease that will become incurable if it’s prolonged? I can’t risk that...not when it’s you.”

His breathing begins to quicken, chest heaving as a million possibilities flood his head. “Hoseok. Calm down. Listen to me. Calm down.” You bring your hands up, squishing his cheeks together and he nods slowly in response.

You drop your arms, backing away. He continues to look at you and in….three...two...one-...he takes off screaming. “Jung Hoseok!” You shout after him, the drilling of your head worsening as you chase him.

“Hospital! The hospital!” Hoseok’s at the top of his voice, a high pitched shriek as he books it to the front door. “I can’t let you die! The hospital!”

You dive for the front door as he opens it, barely a slipper on his foot. You block the entrance with your limbs, stretching them out with your hands touching the frame to prevent him from escaping. He tries to go from the side, to the other side and even crawl between your legs - all while still shouting hysterically. And you’re not sure who’s more insane, him or you.

It’s not until you begin having a coughing fit that he freezes.

He suddenly stands straight, face impassive and then - he blinks three times in rapid succession.

...once...twice...three times….

Please. You shut your eyes, internally begging the gods and the heavens, pleading with all your might. Carefully, you peel your lids back and shut the door behind you, the buzz allowing you to know that it’s automatically locked. You take one cautious step forward. “Jungkook?”

“Twice you get me wrong!” He huffs out. “J-I-N. How many times do I need to tell you? And what are you doing standing here Miss? Aren’t you sick?! Get your butt back into bed unless you want to faint!”

In one motion, the boy sweeps you off of your feet, literally. He wraps his arms behind your knees and around your back, lifting you from the ground as you sharply inhale. You immediately wrap your hands around his neck, afraid of falling. “What. are. you. doin-!”

“Hush.” He interjects, purposely turning his head the other way and not listening to your complaints. Your jaw drops as you openly stare at him. “What?” He finally looks at you again and then he has the audacity to-

wink.

“Surprised that I’m so strong? Well..technically this is Jungkook’s body but still.” He smirks at you and you don’t stop from rolling your eyes. You relax, feeling your forehead steaming with heat. You press your cheek against his shoulder in exhaustion as he marches back up the stairs.

Jin kicks down the door to your bedroom, laying you gently on the mattress and he strips you from the ridiculous amount of scarves and jackets. “There. Much better, right? And don’t get up.” He lectures you as he tucks the covers all the way up to your nose. “I’m going to make you some food. You’re probably starving. And don’t worry about anything. I won’t let any of the rascals interfere, especially when I’m in front of the stove. So just rest…...idiot.”

“Wait.” He turns around at your voice. “Jin...thank you.”

He smiles, shaking his head. “Don’t thank me. Just don’t get sick from now on.”

You listen, staying put in your spot and trusting him. True to his words, Jin keeps you warm and well-rested. After sleeping for another hour, he gently shakes you awake and feeds you some hot porridge. The minute you finish and food is finally sitting in your once empty stomach, you feel worlds better. “It was delicious, wasn’t it?”

“Very.” You nod, settling back down as he laughs.

“Good. I made some leftovers in the fridge. Heat it up on the stove if you need to eat it and make sure it’s boiling or else you’ll get a stomach ache. I’m going to go wash the dishes. Your fever’s went down but not all the way. Rest, Y/N.”

You salute at his command, “Yes sir.”

Jin leaves the room in a giggle, making you smile.

//

Warm arms press against your stomach, pushed flush against his body. It’s eight o’clock in the morning but the sun is hidden behind gray clouds, filling your room in dim lighting. You feel better but still unwell, numb in your limbs. You struggle to twist your body around, millimeters away from Jungkook’s face.

“You’re awake.” He smirks at you. “I was waiting but I enjoy cuddling you either way.”

“What-?” In the morning drowsiness, you’re utterly confused with his flirtatious nature.

His mouth draws into a rectangular box and he nuzzles your hair. “It’s Taetae.”

“Taehyung…”

“It’s been too long.” He pouts. “Are you feeling better? You were sweating, sweetheart.”

Taehyung places his hand over your forehead and withdraws it a moment later with a thoughtful expression. “I think you should change your clothing.” He comments, more to himself than you.

He lifts his head, looking at your wardrobe and he rolls off the bed onto the floor. He crawls over to your drawers, lifting up his eyebrows mischievously as he notices your staring. “I wonder which drawer has Y/N’s lingerie~”

His brows move up and down suggestively and you sigh. “Taehyun-” He opens one up, looking into it like it’s a magical treasure chest. He laughs to himself and you’re about to call his name again before he grabs a new set of pajamas and spins around to face you.

“Cow printed pajamas?!” He grins, holding up your two piece white with black spot shirt and fuzzy pants. You groan, regretting that you kept such an atrocious ‘gift’ - that was more so a prank - from your friend, Nayoung. “I have to see you in these.”

With his enthusiastic jumps, you know he won’t go down without a fight and you don’t want to waste your little energy left. “Fine.” You outstretch your arm. “Give them to me.”

“Oh no, no.” He shakes his head. “I can’t let my ill sweetheart change by herself. You’ll have a harder time than it needs to be. I can help you.”

Taehyung climbs on top of the bed, pulling off your covers to reveal your body. Your clothes are no longer sweaty but the dried sweat still remains, rubbing against your skin uncomfortably.

You open your mouth, ready to tell him off but the words die in your throat. His expression is dead serious, full of concentration and sincerity. “Jungkook….” He begins in a quiet murmur, moving his hands up to the collar of your shirt. “He wants to go on a date with you. But he’s afraid.” Taehyung unbuttons the first one, prolonging his touch as he slides down to the next button.

“He’s afraid that you’ll reject him.” He climbs on top of you, legs on either side of you but his body is still not touching yours. “He’s afraid that he’ll lose it.” He undos the next one with his steady fingers. “He’s afraid that since you’re his therapist….you won’t take him seriously - as a man.”

You swallow hard, ignoring the hot flush in your face. Taehyung smirks at you, the side of his lip tugging as he leans down. You shut your eyes as his breath ghosts in your ear for a whisper.

“What do you say, sweetheart?”

“I-I…” There’s nothing but silence.

The bed shifts and his hands suddenly withdraw.

He moves away from you, as if urgently. You open your eyes, met with huge orbs and bright pink cheeks. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry, Y/N.” He bows his head down in shame and embarrassment. “God. Taehyung can be so stupid sometimes.” He hits his own head before wincing with an ‘ow’ and he rubs the wound.

“Jungk-?”

“Jimin.” He whimpers out before glancing at you shyly. He rips his eyes away when he realizes that your top is almost completely loose. “I’m sorry if Taehyung did anything inappropriate. He does that sometimes.”

“No, it’s okay, Jimin.” You reassure him and he takes a sigh of relief.

Jimin respectfully leaves the room as you change into your new pair of clothes. When you call out to him, finished, he comes in a moment later with a chair. It scrapes on the floor but he slides it right next to the bed, plopping down into the seat. “Are you feeling better? I heard you were sick.”

He puts the back of his hand to your forehead softly, tilting his head as he considers the temperature. “Okay, it’s not too bad. Do you need any medicine? Have you eaten yet? Are you cold?”

You smile at his benevolence. “I’m okay. I’ve eaten a few hours ago. But I haven’t had any medi-”

“I’ll go get it for you!” He jumps up immediately, pupils massive in stress.

“It’s just the common cold.” You tell him with a frown, afraid he’ll panic like Hoseok and give you the wrong pill. “Actually, you know...I’ll do it mysel-”

Jimin puts his hand over your shoulder, preventing you from getting up. His brows are furrowed and he fixes you in your spot with his eyes. “Y/N. I know. It’ll be okay. Please, just stay in bed.”

In your reluctance, he leaves the room but when he returns, he has a glass of water and a pack of cold medicine with him. “Jungkook keeps himself prepared around here. He’s a good kid. Here.” He hands it to you, sitting back down in his chair. “Drink up all the water. It’ll help flush out whatever toxins or germs in your body....”

“Thank you, Jimin.”

His eyes turn into half-moons as he smiles. “You’re welcome.” You take the medicine, finishing the water like he told you to. The boy watches in the meanwhile, making sure no droplets fall onto your clothes or outside your lips. He takes the glass and sets it onto the table with his lips turned upwards.

“I never got to express..” You lie back down, staring at him. “...how grateful I am for those sunflowers, Jimin. They were lovely. They really made my day.”

He flushes with the complement, coyly looking at the ground before stealing a glance from you. “It was nothing. Really, I should’ve gotten you a bigger or better bouquet. The sunflowers just reminded me of you.”

“You’re sweet.” You whisper out and he gleams.

“Any day, Y/N.”

The both of you sit in peace, a comfortable sort of silence that doesn’t need to be full of meaningless small talk or filler words. He sits in his chair, looking serenely out the window while you scan the intricate designs of the ceiling. After ten minutes, you swivel your head to him again.

“Hey Jimin-” Your mouth becomes stuffed with cotton.

Cold eyes grown warm stare back at you.

Ten heartbeats….and then he leans his head to one side. The man raises his hand at a timed pace, arm unfolding. The pads of his fingertips move to your cheek. With the gentlest touch, he brushes away the strands of hair that cover your eyes. He never breaks from your irises.

It’s a gaze of adoration that’s soft and yielding, tender and so much more than words could ever be.

You don’t know how or why but you already know who it is. Your heartstrings are tugging, ringing inside your head from his delicate ministrations, as if you’re fine glass or china, able to shatter with a single breath.

Without thinking a second time, you take his hand in yours, pressing it to your cheek. You open your mouth but your vocal chords betray you. Please. You beg more genuinely than before, eyes filling with tears. “Just...who are you?” Your voice croaks out into the quiet.

“Can’t you tell me your name?”

The pad of his thumb grazes against your blossoming skin. He withdraws it cautiously into his lap, tearing his orbs away from yours. His voice is husky, a low timber that drips with sorrows. “I’m no one.”

“You don’t need to know.”

The nameless man stands from the chair, tucking it to the side out of way and he towers beside you. In silence, he reaches down and fluffs up your blankets, securely tucking you in once more. After, he takes calculated steps towards the window and closes the blinds shut to envelope the room in darkness again.

“Sleep.” He mutters softly, the mattress dipping as he sits on the other side.

You continue to bore your eyes in his skin and that’s when he realizes. As long as he’s around, you won’t sleep at all. He smiles, a muted chuckle leaving his mouth. The corners of his lips tilts and he soaks in your features….

Blink. He shuts his eyes, relaxing his shoulders. His face twists twice and then, his head whips around the surroundings before landing on you. It’s the same brown orbs that you’re the most familiar with.

“Jungkook?”

“Y/N?” He frowns, head falling into his hands as he groans. “What happened?”

“Not much.” A tinkering laugh loosens his tension. “Your alters decided to take care of me.”

“Are you okay?” He remembers how sick you were last night and he checks the clock, realizing hours have passed since then.

“I’m a lot better.” You honestly admit. “One more nap and I’ll be good to go again.”

He looks down in shame, “I’m sorry.”

You ‘tut’ with your tongue. “You have nothing to apologize for. It was good. Your alters didn’t do any harm. If anything, they helped me a lot.”

“Oh, thank god.” Jungkook nods, thankful that he didn’t hurt you in any way. He swallows hard, looking around once more before he stands to his feet. “Well...I sh-ould probably...go then and leave you to res-”

“Jungkook.” He stops before reaching the brass knob of the door. “Can you-….stay?”

//

The both of you are lying side by side on the mattress. A good distance has been made between the two of you but his presence is nonetheless comforting.

“My father died when I was young.” You say outloud and he turns his head to face you. You don’t know why you’re telling him this but you figured, you knew so much about him but he knew little about you. Maybe if you shared your troubles and your dark past, it could help him understand.

“My father died and my mother wasn’t well. I was lonely. But I had one person that helped me. The only person that helped me. He was my old childhood friend. His name is Seonho. He helped me...he helped me a lot but-..........but-...”

“Shh…” Jungkook hushes you and you look at him with tears ready to spill from your eyes. He smiles gently. “You can tell me if you want to...when you’re ready. But for now, just rest, Y/N. Don’t worry about anything else.”

You’re taken back at how he quickly recognized that you, yourself, was about to fall into an uncontrollable breakdown. Even so, you keep your body turned towards him as you nod, shutting your eyes and letting the last bit of exhaustion dissipate through slumber.

Jungkook follows soon after but unlike your peaceful dreams, he’s thrown into another nightmare.

BANG! Crimson staining the ground - running like a river to his feet - drenching his shoes. Fear cripples his legs - his open mouth cannot scream - he cannot cry out for help.

The boy with onyx hair smiles once. His eyes are unseen.

#bts scenario #bts fanfic #jungkook angst #jungkook #jungkook fanfic #bts scenarios #bts jungkook #*evil cackling*

[robininthelabyrinth]

Countless Roads - Chapter 3

Fic: Countless Roads - Chapter 3 - Ao3

Fandom: Flash, Legends Pairing: Gen, Mick Rory/Leonard Snart, others

Summary: Due to a family curse (which some call a gift), Leonard Snart has more life than he knows what to do with – and that gives him the ability to see, speak to, and even share with the various ghosts that are always surrounding him.

Sure, said curse also means he’s going to die sooner rather than later, just like his mother, but in the meantime Len has no intention of letting superheroes, time travelers, a surprisingly charming pyromaniac, and a lot of ghosts get in the way of him having a nice, successful career as a professional thief.

A/N: This is a new chapter (chapter 4 on Ao3) - the first chapter was a prologue, so I changed the numbering.

———————————————————————————-

"Len, shit – Len – Lenny - look at me, Len – "

Len blinks.

Everything's blurry.

"Len? Can you hear me?"

"Yeah," Len says, but even he can hear that it comes out slurred and wrong. "Lisey?"

"She's safe. God. What happened?"

Len can't seem to see Mick. "Mick? Where are you?"

"Can't you see me?"

"Uh-uh."

"Shit. Okay. Len, do you think you can get up?"

Len shakes his head, which turns out to be a mistake because now he's super nauseous. And his head hurts, a dull throb of pain that he's distantly aware of but feels somehow removed from.

"Okay. Okay. We can deal with this. We can – goddamnit! Len. Len. I'm – I'm not solid enough to grab the phone; I used up too much earlier."

"Oh," Len says. He's not sure why that's important. He can give Mick more later, can't he? "Okay?"

"No! No, it's not okay! You're going to bleed to death on the goddamn kitchen floor because I can't call for help!"

Bleed to - is Len bleeding?

Is that why everything is so blurry?

He tries to look at his hands, but there's a lurch of nausea and his eyes slip closed.

"Len!"

Why is he bleeding?

Len tries to remember. There was – his dad, yes, and –

The Santinis. Len's dad had invited them over, a whole group of them; they were financing one of his jobs, something complicated that Len can't remember now. He'd wanted to make a good impression, make it out like he was worth respecting, so he'd invited them home, gotten Len to serve them beer. It'd been Don Tomio Santini, the scary big boss of Central City, though he's been getting older and in declining health so that the other Families were starting to try to start testing his borders. Yes, Len remembers now, he’d been there, and his sons - future Dons, if Tomio had anything to say about it - had been there, too.

It’d been one of his sons that had put his hands on Len as he came through the room. Len had automatically recoiled, more instinct than thought, and then that one had smashed the beer bottle over Len's head.

The Don had laughed.

They'd all laughed.

Now that he thinks about it, that may be why everything hurts. He's gotten hurt before, so he knows something of what it's like, but this is different. This pain is everywhere, in his head, in his stomach, making him sick. His ears are ringing, everything is muted – shock, he guesses –

He can't see Mick.

Shit, if Mick's visible and he can't see him – has he lost the ability? Is that even possible? It shouldn't be possible, it's his family curse, but he still can't see Mick.

He hasn't heard him for the last few minutes, either. What if he's wrong? What if it goes away, if he loses it? What if he loses the ability entirely? Loses Mick entirely?

"Mick?" Len says, and he can hear how high and wavering his voice is. Like a child. His dad would call it pathetic. "Mick! Mick!"

"Lenny!" he hears, but it's not Mick. It's Lisa, and she sounds upset, and he should stop shouting and care for her like the good big brother he always tries to be but he can't. He can't. Not when Mick - when -

"Mick!" he tries to shout, but he's slurring, he's not loud enough – he can't draw enough breath for a proper shout, his lungs burning even on shallow pulls of air. But he has to shout. He can't lose Mick – he can't, he can't, he can't – Mick – If he loses Mick, he loses everything – no support, no help, no Mick – he'll be all alone again, just him and the ghosts – he can't do it, he can't go back to how it was - he can't lose him, he can't lose - "Mick!"

"Lenny, oh god - let me call the hospital - "

He doesn't want Lisey right now. He wants Mick.

"Mick!"

"Len?"

Len has never been so happy to hear his friend's gruff, low voice. "Mick," he whispers. "You're still here."

"Of course I'm still here," Mick says, even though Len can't see him. Maybe it's because his eyes keep closing? "I'd never leave you – god – if we make it through this, this is never going to happen again, I swear, even if I have to grab parts of your life myself – I swear –"

"I thought you were gone," Len says, and he knows he sounds like a child, needy and overwhelmed, but he can't seem to stop himself. "You were gone."

"I was getting Lisa," Mick says. His voice sounds distant, blurry, just like everything is blurry. Maybe it’s the shock. "She's calling for an ambulance."

"Dad doesn't like it when we go to the hospital..."

"Fuck your dad," Mick snarls. "If he'd been even a bit of the father he ought to be, you wouldn't be bleeding out on the goddamn kitchen floor – "

Mick sounds upset.

"Am I dying?"

"No!" Mick exclaims, but there's fear in his voice.

"It's okay if I am," Len tries to comfort him. Sure, it's early for it, far too early for it, but he knew he'd have to go eventually. "I got to meet you, so it's okay."

"It is not okay! It's not okay at all!"

"Mick," Len says, and he feels everything going black, and that's – that's not good – he has to – he never told Mick – Mick doesn’t know, and he deserves to know - deserves to find out – "Mick, I – I – I've got – gotta tell you - got feelings – I mean - I've got 'em – about you – "

"Don't you dare," Mick says, and his voice is low and tight and harsh. "You can't say it now, Len; you have to wait till you wake up. You can’t spit out shit like that right before you go. You have to tell me good and proper, Lenny, but you can only do that when you’re all woken up and okay again, and if you don’t wake up, you’re gonna regret not telling me real big. You’ve got things you need to do. You’ve gotta tell me whatever it is you want to tell me. You’ve gotta take care of Lisa. Okay? I need you to think about all the things you have left to do, all the things you regret not doing. Okay? Can you think of that?"

"Okay," Len says, because Mick sounds so serious. Mick never thinks anyone takes him seriously, unless he's using his fists, but Len does. Len listens to him.

Len can listen now.

But everything is so dark...

He wakes up in a hospital bed. Mick’s in the bed right beside him.

This is becoming a pattern.

Well, it worked out pretty well for them once.

“Mick,” he croaks. “Why’ve I got an IV?”

“I’m gonna kill you, you little fuckhead,” Mick replies, but he sounds distinctly relieved instead of wrathful.

Oh, good. Len’s going to be fine.

“Should I have said ‘how are you’ first?” Len continues, then has to stop, because his throat hurts.

“Fuck, Len,” Mick says, floating over to the hospital bed and putting his face down on Len’s belly. His shoulders are shaking. “I was so scared. They said you had shards of glass in your skull.”

“Sorry,” Len says, humor disappearing. “I must’ve given you a hell of a scare.”

“Like you wouldn’t imagine.”

“Oh, I think I can imagine,” Len says grimly. He remembers how horrified he was at the thought of Mick disappearing on him, at not being able to see or hear him, or worse, never being able to tell him –

Wait.

“Hey!” Len exclaims, brain finally revving up enough to put two and two together. “You were trying to ghost me!”

“Better than you dying all the way,” Mick says unapologetically. “If you’d got some regrets, you’d be able to stick around longer. I’d be able to pass along any words you needed to for Lisa and stuff, at least until the juice you gave me ran out entirely.”

“And then what?” Len says skeptically. As nice as the idea of hanging around all ghostly with Mick is, Len's family doesn’t ever actually turn into ghosts. Len knows his mom would've stuck around for him if she could, and she couldn't, so that probably means they never go ghost. He's pretty sure Mick didn't know about that, or he would've been even more panicky than he was already, if that's even possible.

Besides, Len doesn't actually much fancy the idea of being stuck as a ghost. Ghosts are supposed to move on, not stick around.

“Then we’d pass on together,” Mick says, as if it’s that simple.

Len swallows. “Together?”

“I guess I haven’t made it clear enough these last couple of years,” Mick says, wrinkling his nose. “Though I don’t know how. I’m here for the long run, Lenny. I’ll be at your side if you want me there, and I’ll follow you like a dog even if you don’t.”

“I’ll always want you there,” Len says, because he’s still woozy on pain-killers and near-death.

That’s the only reason. Really.

Mick grins crookedly. “You say that now –”

Oh for the love of God. Fuck the excuses.

“I say that always,” Len says fiercely. “Always and forever. You know perfectly well what I was trying to say before I nearly died –”

“You just passed out again because of the concussion. Doc says it wasn’t that serious; it’s just that head wounds bleed like a stuck pig –”

“Nearly died –”

“And I’m not going to hold you to that anyway –”

“I ain’t never letting you go, Mick,” Len finally exclaims. “Never and ever, not at all, even if I have to open the black book and pull you out of Heaven myself. You get me?”

Mick blinks. “Black book?”

Oops.

“I’m not supposed to talk about it,” Len says, but Mick’s looking curious and wondering and if Len doesn’t tell him, well, maybe he’ll get his feelings hurt and, sure, Len believes him when he says he’ll stick around – maybe – but, well, when Len’s mom told him never to tell a ghost, she surely didn’t mean Mick. Mick's different. “It’s a book of dead things.”

“Like, a bad book?”

“No, no, it ain’t bad. It’s – okay. God’s got three books, right? The book of life and the book of death and the book of in-between, and each living person’s name is in there, at least until they get blotted out," Len says. "Blotted out meaning death."

Mick nods, looking fascinated.

"Anyway, so all the good guys go in the book of life, right and if they get blotted out they go straight up to Heaven like whoosh." Len demonstrates with a gesture. "Now, the bad guys – real bad guys, the awful, unforgivable ones, not people like you and me – they go in the book of death, and when they're blotted out, they're just blotted right out. And the book of in-between’s the rest of us poor bastards, and God’ll make a call about how much time we spend kicking our heels feeling sorry for ourselves after we pass on before we get to go join him. You follow me okay?”

“Think so. God makes a call about where we go when we die?”

“No, no, it’s a new list every year, y’see – he opens the book on New Years and he closes it on Atonement Day, that's Yom Kippur, and you’ve got the time in between to be as good as you can be, you know, to try to push yourself into the book of life. Nudge yourself over the line. You got until Atonement Day to do it; s'why you ask forgiveness from everyone and be all good and shit right around then. The goal's to get in God’s good graces in case you die later that year, y’know?”

“Huh. Okay. So basically what you're saying is, you and your mom, your God’s like an accountant or something, except for life and death? Gotta admit I wouldn’t have called that one."

Len rolls his eyes at Mick, who grins.

"So the black book," Mick continues. "That’s the book of the dead?”

“No," Len says, because that's ridiculous. As if Mick would ever be put in the book of the dead. "The black book’s the shadow.”

“What?”

“It’s something my mom told me,” Len says, shrugging. “She says – she said – that it ain’t in the Talmud or the Mishnah proper, the black book, it's not like something regular Jews believe in or know about. That's ‘cause it’s a special story, just for our family. We ain't supposed to tell no one else.”

“And you’re telling me?”

“You’re family, Mick,” Len says firmly. If there's one thing he's sure of, it's that. “The black book – okay, so I told you the name of all the living is in one of God’s three books, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, the black book’s where all the dead names go.”

"Thought they got blotted out?"

"Yeah, blotted out of the three other books, and then they go in the black book."

“Why’s there only one?”

“Because the dead are the dead, Mick. They’re in God’s hands and in his presence; he don’t need separate books to remember ‘em all.”

“But if he’s omniscient –”

“Just go with it, Mick," Len groans. "Some things are just how the story goes, okay?"

“Fine, fine. So if you pull someone out of the black book –”

“You’re not supposed to do that,” Len says. “Not ever. Ghosts want you to, if they know about it, but you don’t. It’s – it’s taking someone what’s passed on, and bringing them back.”

“You can do that?”

“No, Mick, ain’t you listening? I can’t. I don’t know how. I mean, not really, I got the idea, but I think it’s a life-for-a-life sort of deal, or at least a soul-for-a-life sorta deal, and even then it don’t usually work, anyway – ghosts are what we really work with best, my mom and my family and me. Either way, that’d be necromancy and that’s bad as shit gets when it comes to 'don’t do it' sorta rules, and we got a lot of 'don't do it' sorta rules, so when I say it's the worst, it really means something. Doing shit like that's right out, at least unless you’re some sort of prophet.”

“But you’d try,” Mick says, understanding at last. “If it was me.”

“Yeah,” Len says. His mouth is dry and his throat hurts and he’d really like this conversation to be over. “If it were you. Because I need you by my side, Mick. I need you. I –”

Shit, he can’t say it. Three stupid words, and his throat just won’t do it.

Mick reaches over and grabs Len’s hand. “Same for me,” he says roughly. “Same for me. I was raised a good Catholic boy, but I’d walk into Hell to bring you back if I had to, Lenny, and I wouldn’t blink twice.”

Len swallows hard, again, and smiles.

Can’t seem to stop smiling, in fact.

“But one thing I wanna be clear on,” Mick says. “This shit ain’t never happening again.”

“I can’t promise that I’ll never get hit on the head or –”

“No, not that. The bit where I couldn’t do anything ‘cause I’d used up all my juice,” Mick says. “I hate to ask it, and you know I hate it, but we’ve gotta find a way to keep me solid more of the time.”

Len nods. It’s something he’s been thinking about, actually – when he realized he felt stupid things about Mick, real stupid things that his dad would kick his ass for even thinking about another boy, he started thinking about how he might be able to get Mick some freedom. He can’t bring Mick back for real – references to the black book or not – but if there was ever going to be any chance of having something with Mick, it was going to have to be the sort of thing where they could split off from each other and be angry separately for a while. It’s just how relationships worked.

“Okay,” Len says. “I’ll find something.”

“Good,” Mick says. “Oh, and one more thing.”

“What?”

“About those feelings –”

“Mick!” Len yelps. He’d thought they’d implicitly agreed not to actually ever talk about it. They don't talk about feelings; it's not their style.

Mick laughs, and leans forward to press his lips to Len’s.

Never mind. Len’s all for this type of talking, or any type of talking at all if this is what talking leads to. Brand new convert to talking, Len is.

“I can hear you thinking,” Mick says. “Stop it and kiss me instead.”

Len is more than happy to obey.

#dccoldwave #mick rory #leonard snart #lisa snart #deadfic #my fic

[thenamesdoctor]

My final A.D. theory (Full circle)

Alright guys, I’m going to take one final crack at who A.D. is, their motive for doing this, and exactly how I believe it’ll full circle since Uber A (A.D) has been the real puppeteer this whole show. Also Wren is involved, he is on the A-team but NOT A.D. and I’m 98% certain of this. Something I wanna point out is what Marlene said how Wren comes back is connected and important with the A.D. reveal. We’ll come back to this later. 

Brace yourselves and get ready to read….it’s a long and HUGE full circle theory. 

(1) Marlene has said we haven’t met A.D. before BUT has always been around since the pilot. As I said, I thought Wren for 7 years being BIG -A and after Mar quoted this, we have met Wren many times and back in s4 those times were sketchy moments…. 

(2) Marlene then switched around her wording saying we’ve seen and heard of this person….if this is possible HOW can you see and hear of someone but never meet them? 

(3) And finally one big A.D. hint to me has been the obsession in finding out who killed Charlotte and ultimately gave it away for me.

So who is A.D.? First, I think A.D. abbreviates to ‘Accidental Death’ so with that being said A.D. is Bethany Young. ( I realize now someone is shaking their head like not possible or even hating the idea or cant find a motive…but trust me there is one. Hear me out and keep reading!)

(1) We’ve SEEN her only briefly and quite ‘young’. When we’ve seen her we aren’t actually seeing her face (aside from being a little girl) because she’s always covering it and therefore we aren’t actually meeting her but there is a reason for this (wait for it, wait for it…)

(2) We’ve HEARD of her and her voice, (recorded tapes from Radley & Cece’s story of Charles again at Radley.)

(3) She has been around since the Pilot. (THIS part is kinda annoying because clearly throughout the show we didn’t know of Bethany until Alison returned from the ‘dead’ and we then knew another girl was in her grave)…which brought on the semi-story of her that we are still trying to put the pieces together about. (There is a reason I said this). All we knew at first was she escaped Radley at age 17 the night of Alison’s disappearance and was murdered.

Later on we found out: 

Mrs Dilaurentis would take Bethany out sometimes to ride horses.

Knew her father and Jessica had an affair (Despised Mrs D after)

She liked to draw (She drew Mrs Cavanaugh’s death, Jessica Dilaurentis face with hatred words and gardening with a monster in the back, she even drew a few distorted selfies of herself, and a young boy being taken away.) 

SOMEHOW she had matching Ali clothes from that night and the same bracelet.

Was coming to visit Alison Labor Day and meet her friends, Ali is also who supposedly gave Bethany the matching outfit. (letter)

Been in Radley since a little girl and made friends with Charles (aka Charlotte aka Cece Drake!)

Murdered Mrs Cavanaugh for fear of her snitching on Charles for wearing his dress. (Blamed Charles so Mrs Dilaurentis had to come in and cover it up)

Escaped Radley wearing the matching yellow outfit given to Charlotte the night she was killed to confront Jessica over her affair with her father.

Was accidentally ‘murdered’ by Mona (or that’s what she thought) She thought she was Alison due to the matching clothes and blonde hair.

Melissa Hastings accidentally did kill Bethany by thinking she was Ali already dead (which she was unconscious) and that Spencer really hit her with the shovel after their fight. Trying to cover this up, she buried Bethany (the same spot Ali was buried and dug up from) and she died of suffocation.

Wren Kingston found out Melissa killed Bethany and blew up, broke up, and stopped talking to her.

Phew…wow what a hand cramp…all these were from memory so forgive me if I forgot anything. You get the general idea that Bethany has been a BIG role in the show it just took a long time to see this. And we aren’t done. Not by a long shot.

Lets talk about the Alison Dilaurentis we used to know (definitely different from the one we have now). Queen bee or bitch Alison. Always in charge and that’s how it had to be around her. IF you tried to step out of line she would destroy you. Take Jenna Marshall for example, she came to Rosewood as the new girl. Alison was jealous someone was about to steal her spotlight so she gave Jenna the choice join her group and be a follower or make an enemy. Jenna chose option 2 and look where that got her.

I believe this letter is proof Alison did know Bethany maybe even wrote trying to lure her to Rosewood to hurt her. I think its entirely possible Alison was again jealous of Bethany. Maybe she was prettier? Again Rosewood was Alison’s town and essentially PLL has been Alison’s show for so long…but I think we’ve been wrong. The real story here has been about Bethany. She’s been the real star all thanks to Alison.  

What’s wrong with Bethany? Why can’t we see her face?

So we don’t really know too much backstory of Bethany’s mental health aside from what they should have diagnosed her with at Radley but instead Charles was falsely diagnosed with Intermittent explosive disorder and Bethany definitely had this, not Charles.

I bet she also has a form of OCD because her obsession of having to dress like Alison and Charles/Charlotte is very dangerous also very unhealthy as if she’s trying to be them.

We also don’t know who her parents are or if any of this mental state runs in the family (We’ll get to that)

So about her face always being covered. That’s gonna be a big reveal whether she turns out to be a twin (Spencer or Ali my guess?) or (and what I truly believe) her face is deformed/burned (just like how she draws herself in pictures). As you see in the above picture, her face was fine young so it’s something that happens later on. 

So what happened? Here is the full-circle bit.

I think Jenna and Bethany were friends. Possibly before Jenna moved to Rosewood because Bethany isn’t from there. She’s from Bryn Mawr a town ten minutes outside of Rosewood and Jenna maybe had moved from there too? Or maybe they knew each other another way? Besides the how, I definitely think they were and during ‘The Jenna Thing’ when Alison looks inside the garage, she throws the ‘bomb’ in there after she’s seen something. 

We only assume it was Jenna but she ‘claims’ she had no idea she was in there. I bet Jenna had company, I bet Bethany was also inside. Alison tells the girls to take off without sharing who or what she seen inside.The bomb sets off, everything catches fire, Jenna is blinded and Bethany is severely burned. 

Her once pretty face is ruined. (MOTIVE #1 REVENGE)

The reason I think it’ll all go back to ‘The Jenna thing’? Besides Alison disappearing that was the second biggest secret on the show. -A played with fire a lot, the idea of burning one or more of the liars came up plenty of times.  ( Ex: -A torching Hanna’s doll face, The girls getting locked in The Hastings cabin on fire, Black Widow mask deformed and burned, Toddler Charles setting baby Alison a HOT bath, Aria getting set on fire at Lucas’s loft) 

Probably more but again you get the idea.

So finally we’ve reached Wren! So where does he fit in?

First, I want to talk about what Wren told Hanna a while back in s3 that his father was a patient at Radley when he was a little boy and said its why he became a doctor to help people also why he said he transferred to Radley as their doctor. (Lets take a quick walk down memory lane at what Mona caught him at which was not being able to spell diagnoses.) EVERY doctor should know this. Wren is not a real doctor but that’s the most we ever heard of Wren’s backstory. 

There is only one other man in this show who also had mental health problems (besides Mike) and that was Aria and Mike’s uncle Scott Montgomery. (Byron’s brother) He was briefly mentioned in s2 due to Mike starting to show signs of depression and the Montgomery’s feared it was just like Scott. 

We don’t actually know what happened to Scott but we’re left to fill in the gaps. It’s leading us to believe he took his own life because of what Byron said “My parents left Scott alone and look what happened.” Scott is once again mentioned briefly later on when Aria tells her friends its her uncle’s cabin (but its really Ezra’s). 

Lets go back to Bethany and the town she’s from ‘Byrn Mawr’. Well it does abbreviate as B.M. and its Byrn (Byron M?) I think that’s a clear play with words but when looked up it is part of Montgomery county.

And now lets take a look back at one of Bethany’s signature drawings. The one with the little girl running after a demon taking a little boy away. 

So here are my thoughts:

Scott Montgomery is definitely dead, I just don’t think he died as young as they seem to want you to believe or if he did, he possibly had kids, a boy and a girl, Wren and Bethany. Mental Illness was hereditary at least what we know of with Bethany. (Maybe Wren too but unknown ) 

Unknown about their mother but since their dad was gone they had one chance to go with immediate family before being put into the system (more than likely separated). Bryon didn't want them. Maybe due to Bethany being dangerous? Maybe Bethany tried to hurt Aria or Mike when they were little? But Byron wanted nothing to do with it, he had his own family.

So with no luck from their family, Wren was put into the system but Bethany was admitted into Radley like her father once was. Completely separated and possible Wren couldn’t contact his sister. Wren was fostered into a UK family where either they had a biological son already or another foster son but his name was Archer Dunhill. As Wren grew he developed his British accent.

Meanwhile, Bethany was still at Radley and going more into future timeline during ‘The Jenna thing’ Wren is pissed and blames himself because he wasn’t able to be there to help his sister when she needed him. He is also angry at what the girls did to her. (unknowing it was all Ali and the liars had no idea) they still never fessed up so in his eyes still to blame. (MOTIVE #1 VENGEANCE FOR BETHANY)

They both come together with another common motive. (MOTIVE #2 HATRED) They can never get back what they missed in each others lives growing up, they hate their family for abandoning them. Unfortunately for Aria she was probably really young when she seen her cousins last and the Montgomery’s think it’s best she doesn’t remember but since she’s family, she is part of this.

Wren started acting very sketchy back in s3 & s4 literally getting into the girls business a lot, stalking Hanna and Spencer still, and then disappeared but we already knew he was helping Cece out which pretty much confirmed part of the team. Eddy Lamb was really terrified of Wren too, he knew something was wrong and he shouldn’t be trusted. Then Eddy mysteriously disappeared too…

Also makes sense why Aria is confused Eddy Lamb said he’s seen her before when she was at Radley. She has probably gone to visit her Uncle in the past or even Bethany. (Possible Bethany had resembled Aria in the face too). Aria has also NEVER shared a scene with Wren which I find kinda odd…

Also going back to s1 and a few more future seasons there have been a lot of incorrect spelling -A messages, clearly they haven’t been Mona because she’s smarter than that. She called Wren out on his ‘diagnoses’ spelling so I’m lead to believe these past -A messages have been Wren and its just spelt the English way. (ex: nosey bitches). Plus all the UK/British references in the show had to be vivid hints.

A.D. (Bethany) is playing the game not only for her revenge but also revenge on whoever killed Charlotte, she is obsessed and needs answers and will kill whoever it is. (I personally think its Mona). Endgame is wrapping up everything, putting all the pieces together for the liars about Bethany and the real reason they’ve been tormented. (The puzzle pieces on the game will map out a drawing of Bethany’s whether as just a map leading them somewhere or clue revealing who they are.)

This also makes perfect sense as to why Wren snapped and broke up with Melissa Hastings again after finding out she ‘killed’ his sister (Which he now knows she’s still alive and they are finally working together). But with this, I feel like one sibling can have a shot at redemption. So a part of me thinks in the endgame with A.D. will become a battle with Wren and his sister.

His connection isn’t just she’s his sister but also he will try to stop her. Bethany is too far gone mentally for her to just quit. He might even have to kill her to do this. (ultimately, I want Endgame to end with A.D. dying its more proper as a final end for me.)

And that’s my theory. I hope you enjoyed and sorry it took forever to get here but I wanted to map it out full-circle back to the start of everything. If you sat through the whole thing then you must be a real fan who needs answers and closure as much as I do!

-Theory girl.

#pretty little liars #alison dilaurentis #bethany young #wren kingston #pretty little theories #aria montgomery