#his friend - from work!!! - was literally in the hospital w covid like a month ago and they didn’t think he was going to make it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

literaphobe · 3 years

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Im so sorry...is your sister a minor

yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so

lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao)

anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it

today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture

so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years)

i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me

my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk

anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in

he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol

#ask

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youcantclipmywings · 4 years

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another crazy ass super late update w waaaay too much info

Hey y’alll... I’m kinda back? Sorry again for never being on this account. I want to be on it more but I get so consumed with my life and then I forget... not an excuse but an explanation.

TW for all the usuals (drugs, etc) plus fun high school bs cropping up 2 1/2 years later :)

So last time I updated I was excited about going back to school and was feeling really lost and alone, as well as hopeless about my romantic life and my really intense cravings to smoke weed. A lot has changed since then... lol

My school decided to only do online schooling, understandably, but it sent me into a horrible spiral when they announced that. The idea that I’d be stuck at home for another 5 months... I just couldn’t take it. There’s a reason I went to boarding school after treatment. My parents fucking suck!!!! So I was venting to one of my best friends (C) who lives in another country even though she goes to school in the US (we met in treatment) and she invited me to come stay with her and her family in that country for a few months just so I could get away from my family... and now I’m there! I have dual citizenship with that country and the US because one of my parents is originally from there, so she applied for me to get dual citizenship when I was born, and I still have family here. Anyways, I’m now starting week 2 of my quarantine (which ends on Sunday (sep 20th) but I’m so happy to be here. I needed to get away and COVID just isn’t as bad here and I feel less depressed and like life maybe isn’t that hopeless, which is exciting!!!

I have smoked a bit more recently but I’m trying to lessen it or make sure I’m only doing it when I’m interacting with friends (either in person or via facetime).

So, since I got to this country, there’s been a couple slightly interesting things occurring, relationship-wise. C is dating this guy and has been for the last 2 months and I guess he has a friend (J) who’s single and got really hyped when he found out C had a friend coming into town. C told him if he wanted to even attempt to be with me in anyway whatsoever he had to be my friend first and take things hella slow, but apparently he’s kinda a himbo so who knows if he’ll heed that warning. He added me on snap and told me he’s gonna take me out to a meal and later C told me he was bragging to her bf about how impressive it is that he said that (I think he’s kinda a fuckboy but C said her bf was initially too). Idk how I feel about any of this. I’m trying to not pass any judgment until I meet him a few times.

A few nights ago, I got a snapchat message from this dude (JB) I knew from junior/senior year of high school (after treatment). Now, when we were in high school we were best friends. I had a small group (A, M, JB, and myself) and we all hung out all the time and were super close. A and JB dated junior year and then almost dated again senior year but she kinda ghosted him last minute and started dating someone else. JB also dated two other girls our senior year (this info is all relevant I promise). JB and I were kinda like brother/sister- we got along really well and had similar sense of humor but there wasn’t any attraction between the 2 of us. He liked skinny, kinda crazy (in the whole “omg I’m so fucked up pay attention to me” obnoxious way where they aren’t actually mentally ill, just annoying) girls and I was overweight and even though I’m legitimately mentally ill, I’m stable and high-functioning, and also... he’s short (well the same height as me but I’m tall) and skinny and just not my type... but anyways there was no attraction there. After high school, we all kinda stopped talking. M was a freshman while we were all seniors (I stayed in contact with him and still consider him to be like a little brother- I love him sm he’s my lil baby), but I haven’t talked to JB or A much since. We all went off to college and started new lives... JB and I talked a bit over that summer between senior year of high school and freshman year of college and he did call me a few times throughout freshman year (holy fuck that’s when I started this acc......) but whenever he’d call he’d only talk about himself. He’d talk about how he was drinking too much and smoking too much and he’d say kinda racist shit about his girlfriend at the time’s exes (since they were black... I guess that reflected poorly on her in his mind... fucked up mindset in my opinion) and he’d never ask me about myself. I was in overwhelming, immense pain constantly because of my ankle... I was high all the time and drinking regularly too, while hiding it from everyone, including my therapist. I was in a dark place and there he was calling me to talk about himself for really long periods of time.

Anyways, I started avoiding his calls after awhile and then he stopped calling. He doesn’t know I had my ankle surgery. He doesn’t know I took a semester off of college to recover. He doesn’t know I met my genetic mom. He doesn’t know I’m struggling with some issues still. Then, in December 2019, the day after my mom had a heart attack, he started frantically messaging me on snapchat, begging me to talk. I told him that I couldn’t, that my mom was in the hospital and I was overwhelmed, that I had a ton of dr appointments and meetings and needed to make sure my mom was okay, but he wouldn’t lay off. I guess I felt some sort of loyalty towards him since we used to be so close, so I said “okay, you can call me anytime in the next 30 minutes, but that’s it” and he responded immediately, saying “I’ll call you in 5 minutes”. He never fucking called. After that, I decided I was done. He’s no longer my friend. And we hadn’t spoken since until a couple weeks ago where he messaged me and told me he missed me and I responded with a “yeah it’s been awhile” and then left him on read after he responded back with some other bs.

Then this past weekend, he messages me out of nowhere talking about how he misses me and again, I say “yeah, it’s been awhile”. He says that there’s been something he’s wanted to tell me for a long time and he wishes he would’ve said something when we were in high school. I asked what the fuck he was talking about and he was like “I wish we could’ve dated. You were always so nice to me and we got along really well. I thought you were beautiful, caring, funny, and sweet. We had the sense sense of humor and enjoyed doing the same stuff. I liked you a lot and wish we could have dated.”... I was like.. “Uhhh... what made you realize this?” and he said “Idk I just realized it now” and I was like “yeah I’m just a little shocked because it never seemed like there was any type of relationship vibes there” and he was like “really?” and I was like “dude... you literally dated 2 girls and almost dated a 3rd...” and he was like “I feel like I knew I liked you then” so at that point I facetimed my friend M and was like “did JB like me in high school” and he was like “nah he liked A and those 2 other girls” and I was like “yeah, he’s saying some bs and I just need confirmation that I didn’t miss any signs” and he was like “yeah you guys were just really good friends” so I messaged JB back and was like “so what motivated you to tell me this” and he said “I don’t know I just felt like I should tell you” and I was like “well where do we go through here”... now, I said this knowing he’d say he wanted to date. I didn’t want to date him but I did want to let him down easily. M had told me while we were facetiming that JB had dropped out of college and gone to rehab so he was obviously struggling. I think he’s just super lonely during quarantine and he’s reflecting on high school (when he last felt happy) and is creating something that wasn’t there in hopes that it’d be reciprocated and he’d feel less lonely. He and A both had relationship/intimacy issues and were both really hyperfocused on always being in a relationship, so I’m not surprised he’s still like that. I am surprised it’s gotten to a point where it’s delusional...

Anyways, he responded saying “where do you wanna go?” and I said “I asked you first” and he said “I want you wbu” and I said “I don’t know dude... I’m a super different person than I was 2 1/2 years ago and I’m sure you are too and I’m just not sure if we’d be compatible now that all this time has passed... also I live in a diff country now so we’d never actually see each other.” I know saying I live in a diff country now is kinda lying because it makes it seem like I moved permanently but I think it was necessary to get my message across so I don’t feel bad. He responded and he was like “yeah I guess that’s true” and I said “yeahhhhh” and he was like “I really want to be with you” and I said “I guess timing is everything” and he said “yeah I guess :(” and then I left him on read and that was the end of that conversation. I feel like a really good person for letting him down as nicely as I did because I felt like saying “nah I’m not fucking into you” especially since he’s been such an awful and selfish friend since we left high school, but I decided to be the bigger person because I know he’s struggling right now. And I feel sad that he’s reached a point in his life where he’s creating something that never existed because he’s so lost and alone and confused. I wish I could be there for him but I just can’t...

My therapist says I can be too loyal to people sometimes. Even when people hurt me, I’m still there and I feel like I owe it to them to stick around and support them. I pretend like I’ll drop anyone that hurts me, but it’s obvious I’m loyal since I’m still willing to treat this dude with more kindness in this one interaction than he’s given me in 2 1/2 years. I want to be a kind person but I don’t want to be loyal to a fault... I think it’s harmful and self destructive. I need to work on it.

Anyways, last night when I got out of the shower I had a towel wrapped around me and felt something weird and looked down and a giant spider was crawling around on my tiddy... I screamed so loud I’m surprised the family I’m staying with didn’t come running into the guesthouse from the main house to make sure I’m okay lol. I killed it with my textbook, which is now sitting in the corner of the room because I’m not in the right mental space to clean spider guts off a textbook after that whole ordeal.

C’est la vie...

#update #long one #tw drugs #tw drug use #men suck

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evalaruesource · 4 years

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‘All My Children’ and CSI: Miami’s Eva LaRue on Love, Loss and Motherhood

A new interview has been released 24 hours ago by Closer Weekly.

On June 26, nearly five decades since she began her screen acting career at age 6, Eva LaRue won her first Daytime Emmy for The Young and the Restless. “It was such a beautiful, full-circle thing,” Eva, 53, tells the latest issue of Closer, on newsstands now.

Just three months earlier, she lost a “great friend,” her second ex-husband and dad to her daughter Kaya, John Callahan. “The first time I was nominated was for my [1997 All My Children] storyline with John. I learned how to act with him, so it was super meaningful on a deeper level. I felt like he was shining down, and happy.”

The CSI: Miami alum is currently single, but says she and Kaya, 18, “just wake up, take a deep breath and take on whatever we’re supposed to.” For Eva, that’s been a surprise Pure Flix series she’s excited about, Finding Love in Quarantine. Closer talked with Eva about her life and one of her greatest lessons: “How to heal, forgive and move forward.”

While most actors are hunkering down, you’re still working. How did it happen?

I had worked with Pure Flix on a [2015] movie, Dancer and the Dame. [The filmmakers] asked, “Would you be interested in this little short-form series? We’re going to shoot it literally like you’re in quarantine! [Pure Flix co-founder] David White and his daughter Ocean are going to film from their house, and we’ll do your side with Stacey Dash — you two will be the only ones working together.” We had our COVID tests, and a minimal crew, so it worked out great!

Many fans know you from All My Children. How did that experience shape you?

I was there off and on for [about] 10 years. I was dead for [years], then came back from the dead! [Laughs] I met John there, and we fell in love as our characters were falling in love. Then our characters got married, and we followed suit and got married. Our characters had kids, and then we had a kid! All My Children was my first big break, and it was such an amazing family of people there. A lot of them are still really good friends.

Lots of fans also know you from your 2005-12 run on CSI: Miami. Was there a big difference going to a nighttime series?

Oh, huge! Doing a soap opera, sometimes I had 75 pages of dialogue a day. On nighttime TV, the most you’re going to shoot is like eight pages, and that’s across the entire cast. But on a procedural, there’s a lot of science jargon. It’s like speaking another language.

What was your time on the show like?

It was an amazing experience. We had such a great cast. The best part ways, even though what we were doing was heavy and dark , the actors had such great senses of humor! Each one should have been on a sitcom or dramedy, because they were all so funny and so much fun to be with. Going to set was really a treat.

Do you have any personal career highlights?

I had great experiences doing movies of the week, like The Annette Funicello Story. Playing her was such a blessing. Even when John and I got to host Miss America [in 1997], that was incredible. I’ve been lucky to have jobs on two shows that had such longevity. I got to make a second family at both of them.

Did you get to know Annette Funicello?

She was on set the whole time! She shared a lot of her experiences, and her mom was like an encyclopedia about Disney, Walt Disney and everything. It was amazing!

You started young in the business, too.

My first job was a Del Monte green beans commercial, and my first voice-over job was for A&W Root Beer: I sang the jingle when I was 7. I did a bunch of print work and commercials, and then didn’t really work again until I was in my teens doing dinner theater shows. I was dancing and singing then, and started acting just as I was graduating from high school.

You also did beauty pageants.

I won the Miss Riverside County pageant and was supposed to go on to Miss California, but I ended up getting my first movie. So I gave up the title to the first runner-up and went to Italy to shoot a really bad movie, The Barbarians. But it didn’t matter; it was my first movie and I was so excited!

Your first husband from 1992-94 was John O’Hurley. Was he anything like his J. Peterman character on Seinfeld?

[Laughs] There was a funny, pretentious character that he would go into at home when he was goofing around, even before he did Seinfeld. We’re still great friends.

Did any moment change your life?

Three hundred people auditioned for my CSI role, but the executive producer happened to be a fan of my All My Children character. So getting [that soap opera] changed my life: I found my [second] husband, had my daughter and got a nighttime career from daytime.

You were wed to businessman Joe Cappuccio from 2010-14. What lessons did you take from your three marriages?

It’s more about forgiving yourself, no matter what somebody else did. It’s human to blame the other person. But when we process it, we see things we didn’t do the way we wish we had. I wasn’t really able, until the last five to 10 years, to say, “I need to not focus on anybody else. I have to look at things I don’t like about me.”

How have you been doing since losing John Callahan?

It’s been a roller coaster, losing a co-parent and somebody who’s been a great friend for your entire adult life. He was still on my emergency contact lists and always wanted to know my travel plans. He’d check in when I landed and got back home again [to see if ] I was safe. Nobody else was caring on that level. I will miss that forever.

Was it a sudden passing?

Yes, he went to the hospital for routine heart procedures and was supposed to spend the night for surveillance, but he was so afraid of catching COVID that he insisted on leaving. The next day Kaya was going to stay with him, but the morning after he had a stroke and passed away that night. Somebody broke into his house four days later and stole his car, laptop, checkbooks and identity. They took out almost $80,000 in loans and $75,000 from one of his accounts before we could tell institutions that he had passed. The wagons are circling around this person. We just want it all to end, and to be able to grieve without the extra stress.

How did being a mom change your life?

It changed everything. The reason being a parent isn’t easy is because we see so much of ourselves in our kids … some great things, and what we don’t like. When they become teenagers, all those things come back to bite you in the ass! You think, what am I not liking about her behavior? Something I do, probably! [Laughs]

Given your new show, have you been trying to find love in quarantine?

Right now it hasn’t been a priority, [and it won’t be] until I figure out if Kaya’s going away to college. With all that’s going on, we’re being trained to accept things. Instead of freaking out, it’s: “Just give us the task and we’ll get back to you.” It’s kind of good! [Laughs]

Source

#eva larue #eva la rue #interview

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brajeshupadhyay · 4 years

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Editor's note: This series will focus on the difficulties faced by the medical fraternity at COVID-19 hospitals, their duty hours, access to protective gear, facilities they get during quarantine, how are their families coping with this new reality across different states in the country. This is the fourth part of the series. *** Locked up inside a hotel room, Doctor A spends the hours away from the hospital counting minutes in silence, until it’s time to go back to one of the foremost coronavirus war-rooms of Kolkata — the MR Bangur Hospital, declared a COVID-19 centre earlier this month. Speaking on condition of anonymity, the doctor, a first-year resident at the hospital, sounds exhausted, almost resigned over the phone. “The situation is pretty grim, you know. How much can you fight the system and the government?” Doctor A asks. Despite having a home in the city, the physician has been staying at the accommodation assigned by the hospital after being put on isolation ward duty about a fortnight ago. Food, however, isn’t available at the facility and has to be ordered online. In order to escape thoughts of death and depression, Doctor A resorts to Tiktok-ing with colleagues. “What else do we have? It’s incredibly depressing. We weren’t even given time to prepare for this crisis and the news that the hospital will be turned into a COVID-19 centre was just suddenly announced.” After completing six and 12-hour-long shifts thrice a week at coronavirus isolation wards, the doctor goes back to handling emergency labour cases, or “COVID pregnancies”, without ‘quarantine leaves’ like some of the doctor’s peers at other city hospitals have been granted. “Even though we should ideally be getting seven days off after working at the COVID wards, we are being asked to report to work. And so we are. MR Bangur, at the end of the day, is not a medical college, it’s a district hospital without the necessary infrastructure to deal with a crisis of this scale,” Doctor A tells me. As circumstances changed overnight, hospital staff were left in the lurch without proper training in how to deal with the disease, or even don and dispose of a PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) kit. “We understand that it was an emergency, but we don’t even have the basic training to deal with COVID-19 patients. We started working with doctors and trainees from other medical colleges and figured things out eventually. At least the ones working on the frontlines should be trained in general medicine, chest medicine, and anesthesiology,” Doctor A points out. They aren’t afraid to work, the physician says, but they need to be better equipped to perform their duties, and not just be asked to hand out death certificates at isolation wards like “puppets”. “Patients are dying in front of our eyes, and we can barely do anything about it.” A photo of MR Bangur Hospital, Kolkata, taken before the lockdown. Via Facebook. However, Dr Monica Saha, another junior resident doctor at the same hospital, seems to be enjoying the challenge posed by the unprecedented medical crisis. For her, it’s an opportunity to rise to the occasion and contribute to society significantly. “Honestly, I wanted to be posted at COVID-19 wards to save lives. PPEs are all in place, so there’s very little to be afraid of for us at the moment,” she tells me while being quarantined at a doctor's quarter inside the hospital campus. Hailing from a doctors’ family, — with her father Dr Makhan Lal Saha heading the surgery department at IPGMER and SSKM Hospital, Kolkata (a coronavirus testing centre) — Saha chooses to be optimistic, showing faith in the government's efforts. “I think the situation will be even better-handled once rapid test kits arrive, which should happen in a couple of days. That way, we’ll be able to screen out patients right at the beginning without running the risk of exposing more healthcare workers and patients to the virus,” she says. On 21 April, a day after Bengal received its first batch of said kits manufactured in China, the Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR) advised states to stop using them following complaints of faulty equipment. Saha’s father, along with friends and family, stepped up and pooled in money to donate face shields to MR Bangur Hospital, which have now been distributed to 175 healthcare workers at the facility. The gears are made of fibreglass used in helmet visors and cover one’s entire face from forehead to chin. “It’s an additional layer of protection since the disease spreads through droplets,” Monica Saha says. The situation, however, is far from similar only 23 kilometres away, at the College of Medicine and Sagore Dutta Hospital in the North 24 Parganas district. Dr Monica Saha wearing a PPE while on duty at MR Bangur Hospital, Kolkata. Photo courtesy: Monica Saha Speaking to us on condition of anonymity, a medical staff working at a COVID-19 isolation ward in Sagore Dutta Hospital — who shall be referred to as Zion hereon — mentions how the protective equipment provided to cleaners at their institute might not be enough. “They’re wearing surgical scrubs underneath raincoats, with N95 masks, face shields and black rubber boots provided to them by the hospital,” Zion says. Primarily being run by a group of 28 interns and a handful of supervising house staff, the isolation wards at the facility have a meagre capacity of eight. “A couple of days back, we found out that one of the patients who was admitted here as a suspect had tested positive. The problem at this facility has a severe lack of manpower. We don’t even know if the suspected patients who are being prescribed tests are actually getting tested or not. If the doctors manage to take patients’ contact details, they’re having to call them personally and find out what happened. Even if anyone tests positive, the test centres aren’t alerting us. The doctors here are having to seek out that information personally,” Zion says. This information is then used to contact-trace every healthcare worker who’d interacted with the suspect on the day of his/her visit, following which, they’re asked to stay under observation in quarantine for seven days, and not for the widely advised period of 14 days. “In general, former day scholars at the hospital who are now interns are having to return home after performing their duties at the isolation wards every day. It’s only when any of them comes in direct contact with a confirmed positive case that they’re offered accommodation at Apex Lodge opposite the college building. They’re asked to observe themselves for seven days to see if they develop symptoms. If not, they’re asked to resume duty from the eighth day,” Zion informs. This system, however, is purely contingent upon attending doctors making a note of the patient’s contact details, failing which they are left in the dark about possible risks of infection. According to the guidelines on the ‘rational use of Personal Protective Equipment’ published by the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare, personnel with thermal guns stationed at the entrances of various facilities fall under the ‘low risk’ category of exposure and are advised to only use triple-layer medical masks and gloves. But Zion has doubts about its efficacy, citing the rising number of cases of healthcare workers testing positive for the coronavirus despite following official protocol. “Our group D staff do not have enough protection. Isn’t this complete exploitation of the lesser privileged classes who are literally putting their lives on the line for meagre pay, just because they don’t have the privilege of sitting at home?” Zion asks, echoing the thoughts of a nurse — who wished to remain anonymous and shall be referred to as Nurse W — working at a COVID-19 isolation ward in MR Bangur Hospital. College of Medicine and Sagore Dutta Hospital, Kolkata. Via Facebook. Being the only child of parents who live in the city’s suburbs, the nurse wonders what the family must be going through, as the pandemic continues to hold the world hostage in their homes, especially endangering the lives of frontline workers like their child. “They don’t have an option but to accept it as fate,” Nurse W’s voice trails off. They were fearful initially; now, they’re simply numb. “It is what it is, you know? I can’t stop working, even though I am not quite sure about how protected I am wearing the PPEs given to us,” Nurse W says, adding that the protective equipment given to them at MR Bangur doesn’t seem to be made of the same material as the ones being recommended on the internet. “It feels like it’s made of some woven material — very thick on the skin. I don’t know what they are giving at Beliaghata ID, but at least in Bangur, the fabric doesn’t feel right. The idea is to protect ourselves from exposure — so in that case, the gear should resemble the material used for ambulance sheets. What we have is vastly different, and I might as well wear one of my own clothes and report for duty,” Nurse W says. The nurse is among the many healthcare professionals at the facility who’s not had the chance to partake in any of the COVID-19 training sessions provided so far. “Only the ones who were on ‘leave reserve’ till before 9 April could avail them.” A junior resident at RG Kar Medical College and Hospital mentions feeling “hot air pass through the PPEs” provided at their facility. Choosing to remain anonymous, Doctor B — as the individual shall be referred to henceforth — has been posted at the hospital’s fever clinic, where proper PPE arrived only about two weeks ago. “We are all in this together, but if doctors don’t have the required armamentarium to deal with this crisis, who will it benefit? The OPDs are running normally everywhere across the board, without PPE in most of them. For example, even at the fever clinics at our hospital right now, almost everyone entering is a suspect,” Doctor B says. Even though only a handful of nurses, lift operators, and other ancillary staff are posted at these fever clinics in RG Kar Hospital, they are all operating without protective gear. A photo of RG Kar Medical College and Hospital, Kolkata, taken before the lockdown. Via Facebook. Doctor B mentions it’ll be interesting to see how many healthcare workers across the country are taken sick with the virus, in spite of following government orders on PPE, after over seven personnel from RG Kar Hospital were admitted to MR Bangur on testing positive. “The PPE we have aren’t the triple-layered foolproof ones,” the physician says. Arun Agarwal of Green Packaging House, a Kolkata-based manufacturer and supplier of PPE weighs in, mentioning how their gears are made of non-woven material, disposable after a single use. “These are made specifically for the coronavirus, and are waterproof in nature, but cannot be reused,” he says. But security guards posted at the North Bengal Medical College and Hospital (NBMCH) in Bengal’s Siliguri — a testing centre — have been advised to do otherwise. Armed with two sets of PPE each, the guards — stationed at the first entry point for all categories of patients into the facility — have been asked to alternately use each set, washing them on returning home. “Right now, at least the doctors, nurses and other staff coming in direct contact with COVID-19 suspects or positive patients are being given proper PPEs,” says a doctor — who wished to stay anonymous, and will be referred to as Doctor C hereon — posted at a COVID-19 Intensive Care Unit in NBMCH. Earlier last month, the institute made national headlines after reports emerged of doctors and medical staff at the facility being provided raincoats instead of PPE. Subsequently, in a bid to tackle this statewide surge in demand for Personal Protective Equipment, the Mamata Banerjee government roped in Tantuja, — a leading saree and textile manufacturer under the West Bengal State Handloom Weavers Cooperative — who reconfigured their existing machinery to meet prevailing needs. According to Doctor C, the situation at NBMCH has improved, albeit marginally, with PPE kits being carefully rationed by hospital management at present. “Initially, we were also being given PPE that’s used while treating HIV patients, which do not prevent droplet transmission since they only block out blood,” he says. Doctor C hails from Kolkata and has ageing parents who haven’t seen him in months. The presence of a diabetic father at home — who’s especially vulnerable to infections — makes the medic doubly unsure about returning to his family any time soon, even after the lockdown ceases. The fact that he works in a ‘high-risk zone’ only adds to his family’s piling anxiety. Rainwear given to healthcare professionals in Kolkata to be used as PPE while dealing with COVID-19 patients. Even the rainwear that was provided with to be used as PPEs was of poor quality. Click here for Coronavirus Outbreak LIVE Updates “A couple of doctors from the anaesthesia department have been tested and have emerged negative. However, these tests aren’t being done routinely as of now. One doctor, three nurses, and one technician from our hospital have tested positive so far, so it’s really anybody’s guess as to what will happen tomorrow. Right now, we are all grappling in the dark and are novices. Primary symptoms (of the disease) have also changed over the weeks,” Doctor C says, adding that even though he has been taking hydroxychloroquine as a preventive drug, — after the ICMR suggested it might be effective against the coronavirus — he “still can’t be completely sure” of being immune to the contagion. He is currently residing at his college hostel, where cleaners have been debarred from entering, but kitchens and bathrooms continue to be shared by boarders. Medical personnel at NBMCH, barring the ones working in the general medicine wards, have not been granted alternate weeks of ‘quarantine leave’, owing to a lack of proper isolation facilities for the staff. The conversation soon brings us to the long-drawn process of informing concerned parties about a positive test result, where “the test samples are sent to Kolkata from NBMCH in Siliguri for reconfirmation. If tested positive, the patient or even the doctors are not notified immediately, in order to prevent panic, as per a government advisory.” This cautious approach, however, might not be the best way to navigate the prevailing situation in the state, where numbers are reflecting a rapid upswing in the spread. Not only does it prevent authorities from quickly identifying and cordoning off suspects through contact-tracing of COVID-positive individuals, but it also puts healthcare workers at a heightened risk of exposure to contamination. Doctor B from RG Kar Hospital agrees. “We have to be granted more autonomy. If doctors at every level are not given the authority to declare coronavirus-related deaths, and a panel of senior doctors is set up just to vet these things and look at the comorbidities, — besides not being allowed to even communicate who’s a positive case and who’s not — our job only becomes more difficult.” That apart, precious time is being lost too. Currently, West Bengal features among the largest states in the country to have the lowest number of tests being conducted. The entrance to North Bengal Medical College and Hospital, Siliguri. Via Wikimedia Commons. According to the COVID-19 data released by the West Bengal government on 25 April, only 9,880 tests have been conducted for the state, which has a population density of approximately 6,915 persons per square kilometre (and a total population of over 90 million). At present, the figures show 423 active cases, 18 deaths, and 105 recoveries in the state. *** The hours seem to melt into each other, much like one’s skin does underneath the heavy layers of protective-wear, choking the workers by leaving them with no room for eating, drinking water, or even urinating. Right now, the world outside seems identically dreary and suffocating for these individuals, leaving much to be desired at their workplaces. At MR Bangur Hospital, Nurse W alerts me to the congestion occurring at a male isolation ward, where the stipulated distance of one metre is not being maintained between consecutive beds. “This obviously increases chances of infection, rendering the practice of wearing PPE futile,” the nurse says. With roughly 104 beds divided into two halves in the said ward, crowding in this heat only adds to the discomfort of both hospital staff and patients, making the latter restless and unruly at times. “It becomes difficult to control them, especially the male patients,” Nurse W says. Moreover, hospital stairways have been blocked off, leaving people with no option but to avail the elevators for commuting up and down the building. Nurse W admits that this measure is counterproductive. With both protected and unprotected individuals availing the same elevators, increased chances of contamination within cramped spaces only exacerbate the situation. “I really hope the staircases are made available again.” One of Nurse W’s colleagues at another COVID-19 isolation ward in MR Bangur Hospital, who chose to remain anonymous as well — and shall be referred to as Nurse X — was recently sent into home-quarantine for 14 days. Nurse X came in direct contact with a colleague who tested positive for the virus on 17 April, but the former subsequently tested negative. “And thank god for it,” Nurse X heaves a huge sigh of relief. The healthcare worker lives alone in the city, with family residing in a neighbouring district. The nurse informs me about the informal system adopted by the nursing staff at the facility, where each one takes turns to attend to patients in PPE, before or after which they do administrative work without the gear. “This ensures that no one has to spend more than three or four hours in the PPE, as it becomes impossible to be in one for more than that,” Nurse X says. The professional was among the many who missed the COVID-19 training sessions, thereby learning everything on the job. “It was difficult initially, as I do not work at the general medicine ward. But now I have gotten used to it,” the nurse says. In these hours of crisis, as healthcare systems race against time to save lives, a resident doctor at the School of Tropical Medicine (Kolkata), — currently posted at Beliaghata ID and BG Hospital — stresses on the importance of sharing knowledge freely within the medical community. “Since there’s barely any time to give proper training to everyone amid this crisis, it’s crucial that we ensure that donning and doffing of the PPE is done in the presence of someone who knows the method, at least for the first couple of times,” the doctor, speaking on condition of anonymity — and who’ll be referred to as Doctor D henceforth — mentions. He points to the fact that just providing protective-wear, without educating healthcare workers on proper disposal methods, makes the exercise futile, as chances of contamination owing to incorrect doffing are rather high. An image of the entrance to Beliaghata ID and BG Hospital in Kolkata before the lockdown. Via Wikimedia Commons. “Presently, I am quarantined at my home, living in a separate area away from my family. I come from a family of doctors, so it wasn’t difficult to persuade them into letting me go to work, but in spite of that, the first few moments at Beliaghata ID Hospital were quite nerve-wracking,” says Doctor D, who’s trained in dealing with infectious diseases like HIV, and doesn’t see this crisis as “something very unknown”. He too, however, advises in favour of aggressive testing, especially now that the country is said to be teetering on the edge of Stage 3, or community transmission of the virus. “Since we are working with proper PPE (at Beliaghata ID and BG Hospital), we don’t really need to be tested. But every frontline worker — whether doctors, nurses or paramedics — needs to handle all patients with proper PPE. Currently, most young people are asymptomatic carriers, and we have no idea as to who’s carrying the infection,” the doctor says, adding that door-to-door testing at hotspots is the only way to flatten the curve. His professors asked him to keep calm while on duty, advising him to treat COVID-19 patients the same way he would treat individuals with any other infectious disease, but “with PPE on”. That, Doctor D believes, is the only discernible, yet key difference this time around. Fear has long fled his body. “After a point, you just want to go out and do your job and save lives,” he says. However, chest specialist Dr Kaushik Chowdhury, who’s leading the COVID-19 operations at Beliaghata ID Hospital, holds a different opinion about the young healthcare professionals in the field. According to Chowdhury, less than one-fourth of the workforce is motivated to perform their duties, with mounting anxiety plaguing minds. “We constantly have to remind the doctors, nurses and even the group D staff, that they need to have their spirits up. We, the senior doctors who opened the COVID-19 wards at this hospital, have to keep showing the way by boosting their morale every day,” he tells me. Buttressing this panic are several factors, including fear of contamination during sample collection and interaction with at-risk colleagues working in positive wards. “Besides, there’s the social aspect as well, where many people from the medical community are being ostracised or thrown out of their apartments on account of working on the frontlines. Some are afraid to spread the virus to their families,” Chowdhury says. He observes that most doctors from different medical colleges currently posted at his facility are only doing their jobs out of compulsion, “finishing off their quota of six hours and leaving in a hurry”. While some, he says, are reasonable and rise to the occasion on realising that an uptick in the cases might result in their own colleges being converted to COVID-19 centres overnight, others continue to be saddled with trepidation. “The contagion will likely spread everywhere, and even PPE can provide a limited amount of protection. It’s this knowledge that’s making them nervous, but we are trying to motivate them on a regular basis,” he says, adding that the hospital has employed a team of psychiatrists and psychologists to counsel doctors, nurses, and group D staff through the crisis. Dr Sisir Naskar, Superintendent at MR Bangur Hospital, echoes Chowdhury’s thoughts. “The process of keeping people’s spirits up and fighting the social stigma is constant through this pandemic,” he says, refusing to divulge any further information about the cases being handled at his hospital. For a nurse — who wished to stay anonymous, and will henceforth be referred to as Nurse Y — working at the IPGMER and SSKM Hospital, this stigma is a reality disrupting the lives of co-workers. Nurse Y expresses concern over the issue of several group D staff of SSKM Hospital being expelled from their living quarters in the past few weeks, resulting in very few cleaners showing up for work and adding to the collective distress looming over the facility. “What else will they do?” the nurse asks. A photo of IPGMER and SSKM Hospital, Kolkata, taken before the lockdown. Via Facebook. Nurse Y, a single parent, left home a day before the lockdown in India ensued on 24 March, and has met his/her school-going child (who’s currently living with an acquaintance) only once ever since. Home, right now, is a distant reality for Nurse Y, whose new address is a quiet corner in the hospital. That’s where the nurse has been living for over a month now, and the end date is nowhere in sight. “There’s no option but to live in the present. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow to me or my child.” For his/her colleague, — who too wished to remain anonymous, and will be referred to as Nurse Z — the pressure to keep one’s lips sealed from higher-ups is unimaginable. “We are only allowed to use PPE when a patient is confirmed as a suspect, and samples have to be collected. Until then, our interaction with the individual is absolutely unprotected,” Nurse Z rues. Test reports aren’t conveyed to them either. “I guess the situation is a little better than before, and we aren’t being given raincoats anymore. But still, there’s a long, long way left to go,” the nurse concludes, poignantly underlining the plight of a world in the throes of a deadly novel pandemic that seems far from over.

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Coronavirus Outbreak: As West Bengal catches up on testing, medical community bears the brunt of an ailing healthcare system

***

Locked up inside a hotel room, Doctor A spends the hours away from the hospital counting minutes in silence, until it’s time to go back to one of the foremost coronavirus war-rooms of Kolkata — the MR Bangur Hospital, declared a COVID-19 centre earlier this month. Speaking on condition of anonymity, the doctor, a first-year resident at the hospital, sounds exhausted, almost resigned over the phone. “The situation is pretty grim, you know. How much can you fight the system and the government?” Doctor A asks.

Despite having a home in the city, the physician has been staying at the accommodation assigned by the hospital after being put on isolation ward duty about a fortnight ago. Food, however, isn’t available at the facility and has to be ordered online. In order to escape thoughts of death and depression, Doctor A resorts to Tiktok-ing with colleagues. “What else do we have? It’s incredibly depressing. We weren’t even given time to prepare for this crisis and the news that the hospital will be turned into a COVID-19 centre was just suddenly announced.”

After completing six and 12-hour-long shifts thrice a week at coronavirus isolation wards, the doctor goes back to handling emergency labour cases, or “COVID pregnancies”, without ‘quarantine leaves’ like some of the doctor’s peers at other city hospitals have been granted. “Even though we should ideally be getting seven days off after working at the COVID wards, we are being asked to report to work. And so we are. MR Bangur, at the end of the day, is not a medical college, it’s a district hospital without the necessary infrastructure to deal with a crisis of this scale,” Doctor A tells me.

As circumstances changed overnight, hospital staff were left in the lurch without proper training in how to deal with the disease, or even don and dispose of a PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) kit. “We understand that it was an emergency, but we don’t even have the basic training to deal with COVID-19 patients. We started working with doctors and trainees from other medical colleges and figured things out eventually. At least the ones working on the frontlines should be trained in general medicine, chest medicine, and anesthesiology,” Doctor A points out. They aren’t afraid to work, the physician says, but they need to be better equipped to perform their duties, and not just be asked to hand out death certificates at isolation wards like “puppets”. “Patients are dying in front of our eyes, and we can barely do anything about it.”

A photo of MR Bangur Hospital, Kolkata, taken before the lockdown. Via Facebook.

However, Dr Monica Saha, another junior resident doctor at the same hospital, seems to be enjoying the challenge posed by the unprecedented medical crisis. For her, it’s an opportunity to rise to the occasion and contribute to society significantly. “Honestly, I wanted to be posted at COVID-19 wards to save lives. PPEs are all in place, so there’s very little to be afraid of for us at the moment,” she tells me while being quarantined at a doctor's quarter inside the hospital campus. Hailing from a doctors’ family, — with her father Dr Makhan Lal Saha heading the surgery department at IPGMER and SSKM Hospital, Kolkata (a coronavirus testing centre) — Saha chooses to be optimistic, showing faith in the government's efforts.

“I think the situation will be even better-handled once rapid test kits arrive, which should happen in a couple of days. That way, we’ll be able to screen out patients right at the beginning without running the risk of exposing more healthcare workers and patients to the virus,” she says. On 21 April, a day after Bengal received its first batch of said kits manufactured in China, the Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR) advised states to stop using them following complaints of faulty equipment.

Saha’s father, along with friends and family, stepped up and pooled in money to donate face shields to MR Bangur Hospital, which have now been distributed to 175 healthcare workers at the facility. The gears are made of fibreglass used in helmet visors and cover one’s entire face from forehead to chin. “It’s an additional layer of protection since the disease spreads through droplets,” Monica Saha says. The situation, however, is far from similar only 23 kilometres away, at the College of Medicine and Sagore Dutta Hospital in the North 24 Parganas district.

Dr Monica Saha wearing a PPE while on duty at MR Bangur Hospital, Kolkata. Photo courtesy: Monica Saha

Speaking to us on condition of anonymity, a medical staff working at a COVID-19 isolation ward in Sagore Dutta Hospital — who shall be referred to as Zion hereon — mentions how the protective equipment provided to cleaners at their institute might not be enough. “They’re wearing surgical scrubs underneath raincoats, with N95 masks, face shields and black rubber boots provided to them by the hospital,” Zion says. Primarily being run by a group of 28 interns and a handful of supervising house staff, the isolation wards at the facility have a meagre capacity of eight.

“A couple of days back, we found out that one of the patients who was admitted here as a suspect had tested positive. The problem at this facility has a severe lack of manpower. We don’t even know if the suspected patients who are being prescribed tests are actually getting tested or not. If the doctors manage to take patients’ contact details, they’re having to call them personally and find out what happened. Even if anyone tests positive, the test centres aren’t alerting us. The doctors here are having to seek out that information personally,” Zion says.

This information is then used to contact-trace every healthcare worker who’d interacted with the suspect on the day of his/her visit, following which, they’re asked to stay under observation in quarantine for seven days, and not for the widely advised period of 14 days. “In general, former day scholars at the hospital who are now interns are having to return home after performing their duties at the isolation wards every day. It’s only when any of them comes in direct contact with a confirmed positive case that they’re offered accommodation at Apex Lodge opposite the college building. They’re asked to observe themselves for seven days to see if they develop symptoms. If not, they’re asked to resume duty from the eighth day,” Zion informs. This system, however, is purely contingent upon attending doctors making a note of the patient’s contact details, failing which they are left in the dark about possible risks of infection.

According to the guidelines on the ‘rational use of Personal Protective Equipment’ published by the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare, personnel with thermal guns stationed at the entrances of various facilities fall under the ‘low risk’ category of exposure and are advised to only use triple-layer medical masks and gloves. But Zion has doubts about its efficacy, citing the rising number of cases of healthcare workers testing positive for the coronavirus despite following official protocol. “Our group D staff do not have enough protection. Isn’t this complete exploitation of the lesser privileged classes who are literally putting their lives on the line for meagre pay, just because they don’t have the privilege of sitting at home?” Zion asks, echoing the thoughts of a nurse — who wished to remain anonymous and shall be referred to as Nurse W — working at a COVID-19 isolation ward in MR Bangur Hospital.

College of Medicine and Sagore Dutta Hospital, Kolkata. Via Facebook.

Being the only child of parents who live in the city’s suburbs, the nurse wonders what the family must be going through, as the pandemic continues to hold the world hostage in their homes, especially endangering the lives of frontline workers like their child. “They don’t have an option but to accept it as fate,” Nurse W’s voice trails off. They were fearful initially; now, they’re simply numb. “It is what it is, you know? I can’t stop working, even though I am not quite sure about how protected I am wearing the PPEs given to us,” Nurse W says, adding that the protective equipment given to them at MR Bangur doesn’t seem to be made of the same material as the ones being recommended on the internet.

“It feels like it’s made of some woven material — very thick on the skin. I don’t know what they are giving at Beliaghata ID, but at least in Bangur, the fabric doesn’t feel right. The idea is to protect ourselves from exposure — so in that case, the gear should resemble the material used for ambulance sheets. What we have is vastly different, and I might as well wear one of my own clothes and report for duty,” Nurse W says. The nurse is among the many healthcare professionals at the facility who’s not had the chance to partake in any of the COVID-19 training sessions provided so far. “Only the ones who were on ‘leave reserve’ till before 9 April could avail them.”

A junior resident at RG Kar Medical College and Hospital mentions feeling “hot air pass through the PPEs” provided at their facility. Choosing to remain anonymous, Doctor B — as the individual shall be referred to henceforth — has been posted at the hospital’s fever clinic, where proper PPE arrived only about two weeks ago. “We are all in this together, but if doctors don’t have the required armamentarium to deal with this crisis, who will it benefit? The OPDs are running normally everywhere across the board, without PPE in most of them. For example, even at the fever clinics at our hospital right now, almost everyone entering is a suspect,” Doctor B says. Even though only a handful of nurses, lift operators, and other ancillary staff are posted at these fever clinics in RG Kar Hospital, they are all operating without protective gear.

A photo of RG Kar Medical College and Hospital, Kolkata, taken before the lockdown. Via Facebook.

Doctor B mentions it’ll be interesting to see how many healthcare workers across the country are taken sick with the virus, in spite of following government orders on PPE, after over seven personnel from RG Kar Hospital were admitted to MR Bangur on testing positive. “The PPE we have aren’t the triple-layered foolproof ones,” the physician says.

Arun Agarwal of Green Packaging House, a Kolkata-based manufacturer and supplier of PPE weighs in, mentioning how their gears are made of non-woven material, disposable after a single use. “These are made specifically for the coronavirus, and are waterproof in nature, but cannot be reused,” he says. But security guards posted at the North Bengal Medical College and Hospital (NBMCH) in Bengal’s Siliguri — a testing centre — have been advised to do otherwise.

Armed with two sets of PPE each, the guards — stationed at the first entry point for all categories of patients into the facility — have been asked to alternately use each set, washing them on returning home. “Right now, at least the doctors, nurses and other staff coming in direct contact with COVID-19 suspects or positive patients are being given proper PPEs,” says a doctor — who wished to stay anonymous, and will be referred to as Doctor C hereon — posted at a COVID-19 Intensive Care Unit in NBMCH. Earlier last month, the institute made national headlines after reports emerged of doctors and medical staff at the facility being provided raincoats instead of PPE.

Subsequently, in a bid to tackle this statewide surge in demand for Personal Protective Equipment, the Mamata Banerjee government roped in Tantuja, — a leading saree and textile manufacturer under the West Bengal State Handloom Weavers Cooperative — who reconfigured their existing machinery to meet prevailing needs.

According to Doctor C, the situation at NBMCH has improved, albeit marginally, with PPE kits being carefully rationed by hospital management at present. “Initially, we were also being given PPE that’s used while treating HIV patients, which do not prevent droplet transmission since they only block out blood,” he says.

Doctor C hails from Kolkata and has ageing parents who haven’t seen him in months. The presence of a diabetic father at home — who’s especially vulnerable to infections — makes the medic doubly unsure about returning to his family any time soon, even after the lockdown ceases. The fact that he works in a ‘high-risk zone’ only adds to his family’s piling anxiety.

Rainwear given to healthcare professionals in Kolkata to be used as PPE while dealing with COVID-19 patients.

Even the rainwear that was provided with to be used as PPEs was of poor quality.

Click here for Coronavirus Outbreak LIVE Updates

“A couple of doctors from the anaesthesia department have been tested and have emerged negative. However, these tests aren’t being done routinely as of now. One doctor, three nurses, and one technician from our hospital have tested positive so far, so it’s really anybody’s guess as to what will happen tomorrow. Right now, we are all grappling in the dark and are novices. Primary symptoms (of the disease) have also changed over the weeks,” Doctor C says, adding that even though he has been taking hydroxychloroquine as a preventive drug, — after the ICMR suggested it might be effective against the coronavirus — he “still can’t be completely sure” of being immune to the contagion.

He is currently residing at his college hostel, where cleaners have been debarred from entering, but kitchens and bathrooms continue to be shared by boarders. Medical personnel at NBMCH, barring the ones working in the general medicine wards, have not been granted alternate weeks of ‘quarantine leave’, owing to a lack of proper isolation facilities for the staff.

The conversation soon brings us to the long-drawn process of informing concerned parties about a positive test result, where “the test samples are sent to Kolkata from NBMCH in Siliguri for reconfirmation. If tested positive, the patient or even the doctors are not notified immediately, in order to prevent panic, as per a government advisory.”

This cautious approach, however, might not be the best way to navigate the prevailing situation in the state, where numbers are reflecting a rapid upswing in the spread. Not only does it prevent authorities from quickly identifying and cordoning off suspects through contact-tracing of COVID-positive individuals, but it also puts healthcare workers at a heightened risk of exposure to contamination. Doctor B from RG Kar Hospital agrees.

“We have to be granted more autonomy. If doctors at every level are not given the authority to declare coronavirus-related deaths, and a panel of senior doctors is set up just to vet these things and look at the comorbidities, — besides not being allowed to even communicate who’s a positive case and who’s not — our job only becomes more difficult.” That apart, precious time is being lost too. Currently, West Bengal features among the largest states in the country to have the lowest number of tests being conducted.

The entrance to North Bengal Medical College and Hospital, Siliguri. Via Wikimedia Commons.

According to the COVID-19 data released by the West Bengal government on 25 April, only 9,880 tests have been conducted for the state, which has a population density of approximately 6,915 persons per square kilometre (and a total population of over 90 million). At present, the figures show 423 active cases, 18 deaths, and 105 recoveries in the state.

***

The hours seem to melt into each other, much like one’s skin does underneath the heavy layers of protective-wear, choking the workers by leaving them with no room for eating, drinking water, or even urinating. Right now, the world outside seems identically dreary and suffocating for these individuals, leaving much to be desired at their workplaces. At MR Bangur Hospital, Nurse W alerts me to the congestion occurring at a male isolation ward, where the stipulated distance of one metre is not being maintained between consecutive beds.

“This obviously increases chances of infection, rendering the practice of wearing PPE futile,” the nurse says. With roughly 104 beds divided into two halves in the said ward, crowding in this heat only adds to the discomfort of both hospital staff and patients, making the latter restless and unruly at times. “It becomes difficult to control them, especially the male patients,” Nurse W says.

Moreover, hospital stairways have been blocked off, leaving people with no option but to avail the elevators for commuting up and down the building. Nurse W admits that this measure is counterproductive. With both protected and unprotected individuals availing the same elevators, increased chances of contamination within cramped spaces only exacerbate the situation. “I really hope the staircases are made available again.”

One of Nurse W’s colleagues at another COVID-19 isolation ward in MR Bangur Hospital, who chose to remain anonymous as well — and shall be referred to as Nurse X — was recently sent into home-quarantine for 14 days. Nurse X came in direct contact with a colleague who tested positive for the virus on 17 April, but the former subsequently tested negative. “And thank god for it,” Nurse X heaves a huge sigh of relief. The healthcare worker lives alone in the city, with family residing in a neighbouring district.

The nurse informs me about the informal system adopted by the nursing staff at the facility, where each one takes turns to attend to patients in PPE, before or after which they do administrative work without the gear. “This ensures that no one has to spend more than three or four hours in the PPE, as it becomes impossible to be in one for more than that,” Nurse X says. The professional was among the many who missed the COVID-19 training sessions, thereby learning everything on the job. “It was difficult initially, as I do not work at the general medicine ward. But now I have gotten used to it,” the nurse says.

In these hours of crisis, as healthcare systems race against time to save lives, a resident doctor at the School of Tropical Medicine (Kolkata), — currently posted at Beliaghata ID and BG Hospital — stresses on the importance of sharing knowledge freely within the medical community. “Since there’s barely any time to give proper training to everyone amid this crisis, it’s crucial that we ensure that donning and doffing of the PPE is done in the presence of someone who knows the method, at least for the first couple of times,” the doctor, speaking on condition of anonymity — and who’ll be referred to as Doctor D henceforth — mentions. He points to the fact that just providing protective-wear, without educating healthcare workers on proper disposal methods, makes the exercise futile, as chances of contamination owing to incorrect doffing are rather high.

An image of the entrance to Beliaghata ID and BG Hospital in Kolkata before the lockdown. Via Wikimedia Commons.

“Presently, I am quarantined at my home, living in a separate area away from my family. I come from a family of doctors, so it wasn’t difficult to persuade them into letting me go to work, but in spite of that, the first few moments at Beliaghata ID Hospital were quite nerve-wracking,” says Doctor D, who’s trained in dealing with infectious diseases like HIV, and doesn’t see this crisis as “something very unknown”.

He too, however, advises in favour of aggressive testing, especially now that the country is said to be teetering on the edge of Stage 3, or community transmission of the virus. “Since we are working with proper PPE (at Beliaghata ID and BG Hospital), we don’t really need to be tested. But every frontline worker — whether doctors, nurses or paramedics — needs to handle all patients with proper PPE. Currently, most young people are asymptomatic carriers, and we have no idea as to who’s carrying the infection,” the doctor says, adding that door-to-door testing at hotspots is the only way to flatten the curve.

His professors asked him to keep calm while on duty, advising him to treat COVID-19 patients the same way he would treat individuals with any other infectious disease, but “with PPE on”. That, Doctor D believes, is the only discernible, yet key difference this time around. Fear has long fled his body. “After a point, you just want to go out and do your job and save lives,” he says.

However, chest specialist Dr Kaushik Chowdhury, who’s leading the COVID-19 operations at Beliaghata ID Hospital, holds a different opinion about the young healthcare professionals in the field. According to Chowdhury, less than one-fourth of the workforce is motivated to perform their duties, with mounting anxiety plaguing minds. “We constantly have to remind the doctors, nurses and even the group D staff, that they need to have their spirits up. We, the senior doctors who opened the COVID-19 wards at this hospital, have to keep showing the way by boosting their morale every day,” he tells me.

Buttressing this panic are several factors, including fear of contamination during sample collection and interaction with at-risk colleagues working in positive wards. “Besides, there’s the social aspect as well, where many people from the medical community are being ostracised or thrown out of their apartments on account of working on the frontlines. Some are afraid to spread the virus to their families,” Chowdhury says. He observes that most doctors from different medical colleges currently posted at his facility are only doing their jobs out of compulsion, “finishing off their quota of six hours and leaving in a hurry”. While some, he says, are reasonable and rise to the occasion on realising that an uptick in the cases might result in their own colleges being converted to COVID-19 centres overnight, others continue to be saddled with trepidation.

“The contagion will likely spread everywhere, and even PPE can provide a limited amount of protection. It’s this knowledge that’s making them nervous, but we are trying to motivate them on a regular basis,” he says, adding that the hospital has employed a team of psychiatrists and psychologists to counsel doctors, nurses, and group D staff through the crisis.

Dr Sisir Naskar, Superintendent at MR Bangur Hospital, echoes Chowdhury’s thoughts. “The process of keeping people’s spirits up and fighting the social stigma is constant through this pandemic,” he says, refusing to divulge any further information about the cases being handled at his hospital.

For a nurse — who wished to stay anonymous, and will henceforth be referred to as Nurse Y — working at the IPGMER and SSKM Hospital, this stigma is a reality disrupting the lives of co-workers. Nurse Y expresses concern over the issue of several group D staff of SSKM Hospital being expelled from their living quarters in the past few weeks, resulting in very few cleaners showing up for work and adding to the collective distress looming over the facility. “What else will they do?” the nurse asks.

A photo of IPGMER and SSKM Hospital, Kolkata, taken before the lockdown. Via Facebook.

Nurse Y, a single parent, left home a day before the lockdown in India ensued on 24 March, and has met his/her school-going child (who’s currently living with an acquaintance) only once ever since. Home, right now, is a distant reality for Nurse Y, whose new address is a quiet corner in the hospital. That’s where the nurse has been living for over a month now, and the end date is nowhere in sight. “There’s no option but to live in the present. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow to me or my child.”

For his/her colleague, — who too wished to remain anonymous, and will be referred to as Nurse Z — the pressure to keep one’s lips sealed from higher-ups is unimaginable. “We are only allowed to use PPE when a patient is confirmed as a suspect, and samples have to be collected. Until then, our interaction with the individual is absolutely unprotected,” Nurse Z rues. Test reports aren’t conveyed to them either. “I guess the situation is a little better than before, and we aren’t being given raincoats anymore. But still, there’s a long, long way left to go,” the nurse concludes, poignantly underlining the plight of a world in the throes of a deadly novel pandemic that seems far from over.

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