#hmm i thought a lot abt this

[skitskatdacat63]

"average person creates 3 new AUs per year" factoid actually just statistical error. average person makes 0 AUs per year. Alternate Universes Catie, who lives in cave & makes over 2 each month, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

#i think about how many ive made this year and i feel a bit woozy #its so funny bcs ive always been weirdly staunch abt not making AUs for my own characters #<- just bcs i wanna establish them and putting them in different AUs makes it a bit less stable so #and them i start drawing fanart for the first time in my life and go absolutely nuts #let me think hmm i think ive made 8 or so this year 🤔 #not all of them have art yet but they do haunt me #like also does it count if you make offshoots of your own AUs 😭 #i have too many thoughts ;;;;; #also i think its just bcs i really crave learning new info #and ive learned *a lot* about f1 so its fun to make AUs by learning more abt smth else and then combining them #like hmm how do these real world events fit into early 18th century europe JSKFKGLLVLV #actually i *do* live in cave. me and my dark bedroom 🤧 #if you stay on my blog you WILL get a history or culture lesson abt some inane thing #catie.rambling.txt #*i need to start putting 'scheduled' in the tags of posts so you guys dont get a horrible perception of my sleep schedule #well it is horrible. but not horrible enough that im staying up *too* late

[cringelordofchaos]

Wait wait wait does Belos forcing everyone into one specific type of magic represent the way many pagan communities have been christianized because the way many of them believed in multiple gods was viewed as "savage" .... Holy

#toh #the owl house #belos #philip wittebane #paganism #think abt it #there's also a lot more w belos in the sense that he describes the boiling isles after the day of unity as “THE PROMISES LAND”.... #HMM #.. REMINDS ME. of sokething. #and also in the sense that he uses religion as a form of justification for his world views and wanting to kill witches #especially sinxe he xokes from Connecticut in the 17th fucking century #where there was a big deal w witches #i have more thoughts on this but whateva. #hate ppl misrepresenting their religion and using it as aj excuse for horrible unjustifiable actuons but hey rhats just history.

[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

Thinking abt demomedic again... I think they're both so outgoing and flirty but don't rlly ever expect anything they say to be taken seriously or reciprocated. They both manage to completely catch the other off guard just by actually viewing him as a potential object of romantic affection

#if that makes any sense. it's midnight and i am exhausted #i think they both got asked out as a joke a lot when they were kids yknow. kinda does smth to someone #i know i'm like the only one to think abt demo like this but like. cmon his self esteem is so awful #i just know there's some underlying thing there. and like having someone (anyone) really actually be into him would mean so much #medic he spent every day of his life getting his lunch money stolen i don't need to explain my thought process there #although i do think there is an added layer of like both of them being men. man i need 2 write them. smth with FEELING. hmm #tf2 #team fortress 2 #demo #medic #demomedic #jagerbombs #demoman tf2 #tf2 demoman #medic tf2 #tf2 medic

[astrxealis]

good morning 🥺

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #sorrey ... not active ..... lots going on but also not (?) #IDK anyways i've reconnected w an old friend who's a childhood friend bcs shes the daughter of my mom's friend ^___^ #she said she's gna get into the 1975 more !! but she's alrdy going to the arctic monkey's concert soon which is super cool #and i rmbr our mom asked me and lune if we knew them too <3 but we didn't know there was a legit concert SOBS #yeah miss her a lot and it's sweet how wnvr we do reconnect a bit it always so happens we're into the same thing of sorts :(( #AND THEN! wow idk i've grown a lil less hesitant. somehow. idk. literally replied to the story on ig of a guy ik but haven't talked to in ag #ages* purely bcs he kept posting like woaaa based game and then ff6 best ff so i was like SO TRUE but have u played 14 #and he has NOT but does want to and then wow we could have had a lil convo but i left to watch a movie sorry bro <//3 #what else ... hmm ..... WELL. an old friend from all the way in 6th grade. okay so we often message each other a bit just like 'hey wna be #grpmates' or smth like that and that one time where they gave me a lil help for the chem grp work and i'm like. just comfy talking like #myself fr BUT THENNN messaged me sometime last week bcs. like smth w a grpwork and they got anxious they did smth wrong #bcs no one in the gc replied to them (sorry i didn't either SOBS) T___T ended up turning the convo to 'hey wt abt i finally try to talk w u #properly more' and HELL YEAHHH we both r the kinds that talk/type a lot but sometimes dip and disappear how lovely /gen LMAO <3 #idk. uhm. with the school fair we have booths and shifts for the booths and my group is the one with uhh the 4 kids who i'm often groups #with and they're all the. yk kids. ppl who i'd get along w and i've been classmates w all of em b4 but you see they're a grp of friends now #RAGHH ONE OF THEM IK LIKES PERSONA (MULTIPLE?? IDK. they once were like yo apollo u seem like u like persona lol #IDK WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN but yes i do have akechi and ren charms on my backpack for school #AND THEN ONE is into like gi pjsk a lot of rhythm games and gacha mobile but all like uhh. yeah? tot love live bandori ... still cool fr tho #she's rlly nice tbh lol ^___^ wait tbh all of them are HELP but uhm idk but it's nice when ppl r nice to me #tbf that's literally how i got my first crush BUT WE DON'T TALK ABT THAT !! yk sometimes i unconsciously wonder abt her or look for her and #then i did see her again after a few months since seeing her early in on the school year bcs shes in basketball and i hung out at the uhh #covered court w my best friend whos in another varsity bcs we stayed late at school that day to help out w fair preparations! #i refuse to like her again but i realize i like that familiarity with feelings and uhmm yeah shes cool ig i kinda wish i was less. uhm. shy #back then? you see i barely cld talk to her ... LIKE. she'd be like. heyy! and do shit sometimes and i WOULDN'T TALK or just smile and #mumble RAFGHHHFHFHDHH but she'd say hi to me and include me in things and jokes and it made me rlly /@!(@/'dmdkzn okay #AND sometimes when i do talk back I am SOOOO GODDAMN AWKWARD GOOD GODS anyways now i'm like. less awkward. or maybe i've just accepted it n #i'm cooler now B) and a lot more confident zEjfhejdjsnk. yeah. and uhmm yeah that's it #BUT YEAH nice classmate she asked me for a hug once lol and i notice she's affectionate w her friends n it reminds me of m y own bestie awhh #she sometimes talks to me which i rlly appreciate even if it prolly seems like i hate her sorry i just suck w talking

[waloeders]

thinkin abt how sussy is initially so closed off n hesitant to be genuinely vulnerable with me, instead acting all snarky n sometimes even faking being vulnerable (he has issues ok). but slowly.. he starts to open up more n has moments of genuineness. affection even.

i think bc hes already done a lot of self work while stuck w frey, this half of him that gets stuck with me/jupe is a lot more 'canonically' ooc. partly cuz of him learnin abt not being rheddhig-made like he thought (n therefore is his mission even worth it? is it even his? why is he doing this for ppl he doesnt know?) and having an identity crisis over it. partly bc im now the 2nd person to treat him like a person and not just a weapon.

but mainly bc hes having such a weird fucking time. how is he even surviving while being stuck with a non tanta?? how is jupe (a non tanta) surviving it? 😭 why is everyone from earth Like That???? what the fuck happened to rheddah while he was gone? its been like a thousand yrs. how is he even gonna get out of this situation?

like realistically he'd have to somehow convince jupe to get strong enough to beat (+maybe kill??) frey so that he can reabsorb the other half of him and escape? bc theres no way hes gonna b able to escape if frey is there, she'd just capture him again. and hes unlikely (read: never) going to be able to convince jupe of that so um. whats the plan sussy? what is the plan here?

trying to get into his mindset is fascinating fr the man (demon) is going through it 💔

#jupiter.speaks #❤️.susurrus #👤.jupe #> okay this. is a tangent and a half i know. #> i just have. alot of thoughts abt him i have a lot of questions. i realise i dont gush a lot its bc im thinkin abt this #> what is he thinking 🤔 why is he doing that ? #> i need to like um. write smthn n flex my bones on how he acts. thats not the fucking saying but ygm! #> the best way to learn how a char is/acts is by simply goin to write n going. hmm no he wouldnt do that. would he react like that? no #> <- cycle 5ever. putting him in situations. you will be analysed #> whagever i have to sleep now 😔 worgk

[elftwink]

i am happy with my life rn but i do often wonder if things would have shook out differently had i realized i was in love with my best friend in 7th grade instead of like writing her a sappy journal for when she moved away including fully writing out the lyrics to sarah mclachlan's i will remember you before ultimately deciding it was to embarrassing to even give her, rediscovering said journal like 5 years later, reading it, and being like. hmm. something very lgbt was happening to me

#good idea generator #i think ive talked abt this before and ive shared with you the most cringe entry (full lyrics to i will remember you) #but a lot of them were just me talking abt my feelings re: her and her moving away #and like....... #'you are the only person i don't keep secrets from. i miss you already and i'm going to see you tomorrow' #i wrote her a slam poem and then pretended to have a crush on some random guy as a distraction #idk. was watching some home movies w/the fam tonight and she was in them. made me think of her #something i don't do often. which is kind of wild. cannot understate how my younger self thought of her #i thought she hung the moon. she was everything to me. and now i havent spoken to her in like 7 years #and i really only think of her when reminded. hmm. life comes at you fast #stephanie if you're out there. i hope everything is working out for you & i wish you the best

[ranvwoop]

for aforementioned gem au. fusions. techno is known to be Good At It. he's awesome at pretending to be put together enough. He can put aside whatever is going on for the task at hand. (there is, also, an aspect of being A Means To An End but he says he doesn't need to worry about that until it bubbles over and he does have to worry about that.). Phil + Techno are called Watermelon Malachite and they have this absolutely down.

Ranboo is the opposite end of the spectrum and he is awful at it. They try sometimes. Phil tries to teach him and Techno tries to teach him and I'm not sure if Tubbo is a gem but if he was they try because it's #Romantic (and Tommy says c'mon man it's easy, don't you trust me, ohh wait you just fuse with Tubbo don't you). He can't do it. It simply does not take.

Until Ranboo gets poofed for wayyy too long and they put his gems in his room. He is NOT coming out. (He is afraid because of identity reasons. Experiments analogous). Eventually Phil and Techno are like ... .... he's not like Dead are they. So they try fusing w/ him as a last resort (As shown is possible in EP Change your mind, for some reason)

Except now Technoblade is stuck in Ranboo's subconscious as well . He has to talk and coax him out, heartfelt conversation which is absolutely the strong suit of both parties,

and my long and convoluted explanation for why No ranboo doesn't fuse. but also peerpress fusion is a very fancy Eudialyte (That exists consciously for a whole 3 minutes of Hey! That's neat! before becoming unstable and unconsciously for an undetermined amount of time facedown on ranboo's floor)

#vwoop.noises #rnb Doesn't try again after this. #He's a FAR more sure in his identity that he's Just Ranboo. though . I think of rnb and identity a lot. The experiments #There is no secret cooler/edgier Ranboo. He's just Ranboo and he's got Two Gem. He is not going to form again and There's ew!r #He still doesn't like fusing Tho get out of his brain #I believe he could forcible eject tchno if he wanted in this scenario but he doesn't want to forcibly eject tchno This is needed #Hes Not Forming Otherwise. #tchno... is not built for this he's built for kinda repressing his own issues and beating something up #Phil also believes in the philosophy of repress your emotions become big murdergem but in a different way. Regardless this is about prprd #I've had a few thoughts in my time. About this. I'm going to be real I have no idea what the conversation would even begin to look like #But they do the impossible #They wouldn't NOT say that. Unsure what exactly they'd say. They could come to a helpful conclusion somehow #What if Mndful Education was worse #hmm. I think tchno actually also kind of turns away from it post bedrock breakup. Except WM . Emeralds r Emeralds #This is good for him also. Bonding time by making sure your good friend isn't dead #But yeah Rnb doesn't want to repeat this experience. It's fine. Maybe in an absolute unmatch of strength #Anyways. I've thought a tad abt my gem au and peerpressure. I like the trend and gems coming back #.. agh. In the event of forceful seperation and trying to animate the two gems It's just the soul and the mind again

[22degreehalo]

I’m have thoughts. About Supernatural. And queerbaiting. In 2022.

But. Consider this:

* People who get really really into fandom and ships are inordinately likely to be queer. But also are inordinately likely to be autistic.

* Supernatural has a specific reason to be appealing to autistic fans due to Castiel being heavily autistic coded, an interpretation which was explicitly supported by Misha Collins.

* But also Supernatural, being a long-running serialised speculative fiction show with heavy latent continuity, is also just inherently very appealing to fandomy autistics.

* Supernatural heavily heavily blends lines between fandom and canon in ways that heavily encourage those fandomy behaviours - that’s one of the reasons it got so popular among that crowd!

* But also like. Supernatural would REALLY encourage those behaviours. Like, they literally had a twitter account for the set design crew!! Who’d tweet stuff like ‘can anyone tell us what previous episode this wallpaper came from?’ to enforce to the fandom that they were paying attention to this stuff and that it could be important!!

* The backlash against Supernatural largely became ‘stupid delusional fangirls convinced they’re seeing something that was never there (when good represetation is right over here)’.

* Said backlash coincided chronologically with the mainstreaming of fandom and the rise in more neurotypical-normative fandom.

* All of this allowed Supernatural to wash its hand of any part in any of this because lol, people were literally saying Destiel would be canon because of the colour of the lights on the wall!! That is obviously Insane obsessive shut-in behaviour!!

Put all together: in queerbaiting their queer audience by putting in hints that they never intended to follow up on, were they also exploiting a largely autistic audience?

As someone who never intended to buy into Supernatural... I have literally never encountered any place as absolutely batshit for autistic brains as it. People would literally write tens of thousands of words speculating on the implications of a one-off line of dialogue about an in-universe AU and what it means for the person who wrote that in-universe AU!! And I ate it all up!! I gorged myself on that shit!!! It was some kind of actual drug for pattern-seeking autistics and I felt half manic the entire time!!!

And when I think on it. I doubt the Supernatural creators, like, actually fully understood what they were doing, there. But they were obviously aware they had a legion of ‘obsessive fangirls’ who’d read that kinda stuff into it.

And did they... take advantage of that? Feeding those hints in, and encouraging fans to care about them in language they’d understand? Knowing fully well that to non-fans - or even to other kinds of fans - who can’t imagine the mentality, that this would all seem totally bonkers?

(And like, fyi: Castiel being autistic never got any kind of like official word, either. Stretching the term in ways I don’t necessarily agree with, that could be considered ‘neurodivergentbaiting’, too. But I’ve noticed fandom extremely eager to denounce any meaning in autistic representation unless representation more personal to them is also met - see someone on reddit yesterday who was really angry about Newt Scamander being autistic because he’s just ‘the classic super smart straight white guy’ as though characters like that are in any remote way common, anyway. Or Overwatch fans totally overlooking Symmetra, an Autistic dark-skinned Indian woman, because nothing means anything until the game introduces a [neurotypical?] black woman.)

Either way I think this pretty much sums up why the backlash to Supernatural fans pisses me off so much. It wasn’t ~fans being crazy~. I mean, the fans were right, in the end - Castiel was in love with Dean all along. But because the relationship was foreseen and enjoyed through largely autistic perspectives, it was seen as invalid. Meanwhile, queer representation that offers little for autistics - that is very mundane and straightforward, with Normal-acting ‘realistic’ characters, which match their idea of what ‘ordinary queer people’ act like, are heralded as the only correct form of representation.

In saying all this, perhaps discussions of queer rep in fandom have leaned too heavily autistic-normative in the past - it’s true that neurotypical fans are much less likely to look up information about the characters and so hear author’s words about their sexualities, for example. But I don’t think this total shift the other way is good, either.

#oh god now I'm having thoughts like 'was queer rep supported more in non-human creatures such as aliens in the past' #'because autistic fans are more likely to find non-human characters relatable in general anyway' #cant believe that me just trying to imagine some way to explain to the new person at my friends' board game nights #who is openly queer and to whom I joked recently I wish we were still in the timeline where Putin resigned cause Destiel went canon :/ #only for them to start absolutely HOOTING in a way that made me suddenly self-conscious about liking supernatural #that I did and in many ways still do in fact supernatural #lead to me having some kinda epiphany abt the shift in preceptions of queerbaiting by fandom audiences happening bc of fandom audiences #becoming much more neurotypical normative than they had previously been #OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED #yknow the whole anti thing of like 'these sex-obsessed fetishising fujoshis who see yaoi everywhere' #one time someone brought that up on twitter and I wrote a common sorta off the top of my head #suggesting that those are neurotypical fans who don't understand special interests/hyperfixations etc. #and that they're unusually likely to see m/m as a target because queer women in fandom are inordinately likely to be NT #because they have other reasons to come to fandom (i.e. lack of community IRL and needing to make their own queer rep) #so you get all these queer nt women interacting with each other and looking over at the autistics over there #and that's what they conclude #anyway uh hmm. lots of. thoughts today huh.

[legobatjoker]

whats more insane than in merlin episode 2x04 when merlin and arthur have that long convo about arthur and how he likes “gwen” except its clearly about how arthur likes MERLIN. and they both know this.. or possibly only arthur knows it… or perhaps most possible of all? neither of them know it.

#also i am no further than this episode so no spoiler pls #if for some reason u watched this show before the year 2022… which is the exact right year to watch all of bbc’s merlin… #bcuz bcuz bcuz #the way right before the scene starts its like arthur has one of the most rare moments ever where he actually says smthing non mean to #merlin and is like ‘sorry i shldnt have risked ur life’ #and merlins like ‘haha well they do say love makes you do strange things..’ and arthurs like ‘what r u talking abt??’ #and merlins like ‘just admit you have feelings for gwen’ and its like hmm. yeah. for gwen #and merlins like ‘why cant u just admit you like her’ #and then theres the whole drawn out thing of arthur being like ‘bcuz nothing can eve happen btwn us!! so i cant bcuz it hurts😫 too much😫’ #like ‘my father would never allow it’ #and then when merlin goes ‘but when youre king you can change that..’ and arthurs like ‘i cant except ..guinievre(idk spell) ..to wait’ #and the way theyre soo far apart physically for all this like so far apart and rhen merlin comes right up to say. ‘if she feels the same- #-she’ll wait for you.’ #INSANE. INSANITY. INSANE #castle.txt #what if i posted this then went directlt ro sleep #also what’s more insane is. gwen and lance r rlly cute actually i like them a lot… like. ourhhhhggghg #also this episode was unimaginably cruel for the ‘nobody cares abt u’ evil speech delivered the gwen.:((((.. pls no.. #i mean idk im willing to be proven wrong on the lance thing but idk. i mean obv gwen/morgana is quite real too #which! when i forst started watching i thought like #gwen/morgana was invented by internet girlies who wanted to shove the girl love interests together to make way for their gay boy ship #and like. that it wasnt real and j a woke excuse to not pay attention to the girls and why they arent w the boys #but actually they do have a real lesbian thing going on fr. i cld talk abt it but ill wait #god can u believe im merlinposting. i love myself❤️❤️❤️ I MUST SLEEP..

[paeonie-s]

for some youths, suicide is better than going back to school

#🌸.txt #suicide ment #i reread look back a couple days ago so ive been reading a lot of articles/papers abt isolation in kids/teens #esp when it comes to them literally just. withdrawing to school #which i know that if middle school me realized that was an option she absolutely woudlve done it lol #so this girls story rly stuck out to me. isolation stretches on for so long that any contact just feels so damn weird #but personally ive never really. acted on any of the suicidal thoughts ive had bc theres always been that feeling that wanted to keep on #going even if i was doing it all alone. even if i didnt have friends or was close w my family or felt i had much of a purpose i still wante #to keep living #i didnt know how to (i still rly dont) communicate or even just. do things a lot of this times but i still enjoy those things #the org that this article mentioned that was created to help connected these isolated kids is named the futoko are not unhappy and tbh #no matter how isolated i was/am i dont think unhappy or sad or depressed would ever be the best way to describe it #bc as much as i feel lonely or upset i never stopped enjoying the parts of life i had to ability to actually do. its just the doing the #things which feels so difficult #anyways. look back tatsuki fujimoto so true #ive reread all of his shit in the past month call that. senioritis premium !! #i also read a super interesting one about withdrawing from school in india but i cant find the paper .. hmm

[bastardsofravenkroft-blog]

the more i research stuff abt autism and ahdh the more deep shit i feel that i am in

#like first i heard the word neurodivergent and looked up definitions and was like “yeah that makes sense for me i connect to this” #not quite realizing how or why. it just made a lot of things make sense #then i looked up shit abt adhd. hmm that all makes too much sense. i am adhd. #theeennnn i started hearing more abt autism. several things make sense #so i look up how adhd and autism work together. and it fills in every blank. #bc before id really thought of myself as being autistic id thought possibly into a personality disorder bc thats what was lining up themost #nope pretty sure its audhd #which is interesting. to me. #and yes i am 97% sure im adhd several of my relatives do as well #thinky thoughts #audhd

[noxtivagus]

i love talking w others ( apollo especially tonight ) but oh man i shld really sleep it is 3 am

#laughing together n messing around while listening to music #while also having deep talks on life ! #i love love listening to others n sharing in dialogue our individuality. n connecting together as well #i find analyzing life n society n ourselves to really be interesting #i really am someone that thinks n feels a lot n deeply n i genuinely really love that for myself #help we talked about sm as usual. but yk i really love thoughtful people like us #goddamn i really love individuality. we're all so unique n we're all human #i love analyzing both the good n bad n trying to read others n also yk with what i know and with what i can infer in a way #i want to read actual books made my professionals to learn abt it all properly tho #to see if i really am correct about all this. i have a feeling i am. my intuition is usually uncannily spot on #i love talking w apollo but i really wonder n hope that someday i can connect w others this way as well #in different ways as well. maybe with a childhood friend now very different from me #or a lover. oh man one day i'd really really love to experience that #n with my parents. i want to understand them better as their own people #but. yk there are boundaries in life n i can't learn everything #i find it all really interesting though. i want to learn n understand so much #hmm one thing in particular rn that im thinking of is the dimensions of love. n how memory works #memory n identity. n how we grow as people. #and love as. its different forms. the way we express it. the different ways we love different things n how we differ in that way #and. help idk if i'm even using the right terms bcs my vocab is wide but sometimes i dont match definitions accurately #i understand familial love as a daughter. platonic as a friend. n self love n love for the world #but romantic love. i write about it but goddamn it intrigues me so much i really want to experience it for myself #there's no end to the things i want to learn. romance is no exception. i wonder #i find perceptions so interesting n the way our worlds n the way we all live could connect with similarities n differences #the way life works as a human person in it and. stuff like physics n biology n science #wah i'm so curious abt so many things. i want to understand the universe. n the ppl in it #i really crave that realness n authenticity. if i wasnt so shy i wld just randomly ask my friends questions from time to time #i could randomly ask a creative question n analyze both your answer n the way you expressed and shared it #i really want to share the more intricate aspects of life n our humanity as well. i want to be mutually in love with another. #n to have deep friendships where we mutually understand each other too. n family. n. everything oh god there's sn to think n feel n write

[astrxealis]

can't change haruka's voting result now but man m glad i voted innocent (it was mostly to lower the gap but also i am unsure still whether innocent/guilty is better so)

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #IT'S. pretty complex #there's cons and pros to either. and i'm unsure for sure bcs #muu is really important here honestly #and look guilty restrains prisoners mentally and physically right? so haruka would at least be. okay somewhat #it's interesting bcs. hmm #i wonder if muu was voted guilty first trial. how would that have changed things #bcs her vote was extremely close !! but the thing is i would have voted her guilty but #innocent vote reaaally makes sense for sure. so. hm #BUT YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT ANYMORE YES #ultimately they arent best for each other but rn it might be healthiest for their... co-dependency to stay #but i get the whole separating thing as well. tbh humans are complex and the milgram characters #really (imo) act very realistically so it's. complex! how will things happen. what will change and all #and look we still dont know much abt a lot of characters #some seem straightforward but theres more abt them still. like fuuta mahiru yeah #and then theres thr ones that . kazui mikoto . not much to know just yet #i want to vote mikoto for various reasons esp bcs hey we dont know just WHY hes like that. and considerinf what he has comes from yk trauma #and stuff hmm. hmmm. we still don't have much to go on and it's confusinf but wtvr i know im excited for him super #so Yeah #mikoto guilty/innocent also is dependent on kotoko. everythinf is #EVERYTHIFN connects ah man milgram is really complex i loooove it

[scullydubois]

currently in a ‘you’re not the boss of me. I’M the boss of me’ era which is good I guess but it’s also making me a lot more headstrong and stubborn than usual and it’s weird…like am I becoming a new person or is this a phase??

#I can’t decide if the decisions I make in this mindset are ones that I’m gonna still feel good abt if/when I leave this mindset #hmm #they’re not impulsive though I’m still giving lots of thought to them #but it’s things I never considered in my ‘regular’ mindset

[polaraffect]

venting in the tags yippeee

#damien.txt #gender talk time 🤪✌️ #.................................................................................... #screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan #uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that #soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated? #as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns #neither do i she/her. or they/them. #and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here #and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways #i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all. #but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me #as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc #and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait. #and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it #and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever #bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is. #and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like #hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow? #like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even. #and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it #is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too. #and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all. #but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it #and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck. #and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that #and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck #and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol #AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor #lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️

[monsterbisexual]

hey guyssss, which cronenberg movie is ur favorite ? 😵‍💫🎤

#p #i forgot abt swirly eyes guy emoji. i like him #microphone is me interviewing u guys if anyone wants to answer lol #ive seen 3 now which were the main ones i was interested in but theres others i know #ive seen the fly; crash + yesterday i watched videodrome #id rank crash last cuz i liked the scifi-ness of the other 2 n thats more what im into #idk abt the other 2 tho hmm #n ive seen 1 of his son's movies which was antiviral #i liked that one a lot it stuck w me n was interesting to me #i hate tumblr cuz i used the names of him + some movies in yhe tags random blogs will come around to interact. begoneee #thought abt making this in poll format but therrs ones i havent seen too so. ya #ok thinking it over i kinda wanna say 1. the fly n 2. videodrome #for the rest of the ranking mine. i read some ppls thoughts on yhe one i watched yesterday n thay kinda helped #cuz there's a lot going on n i know some of it is like ambiguous on purpose but ya #i did like the effects in it a lot. the main guy's hand becoming fused w the gun n sometimes Being a gun but still like. flesh n stuff #his um. well his new 'orifice' in his stomach.....u know the one (if u have seen it u do) #the tv n the tapes looking fucked up sometimes. v cool stuff #ofc the fly also had a lotta body effects on the main guy too due to. becoming bug