Ravenclaw: You three. Explain. Now
Slytherin: It was Gryffindor
Hufflepuff: It was Gryffindor
Gryffindor: It was Gryffindor
tom: why are you squeezing me with your body?
[y/n]: it’s called a hug tom, i’m hugging you
gryffindor: when have i ever done something stupid?
ravenclaw *taking out a notepad*: i’ve been waiting so long to use this
ravenclaw: you put the library on fire, you jumped out of your common room window to see if you would break a leg…..
ravenclaw: uh, im not finished, *continues listing for another half an hour*
Tom: are we fighting or flirting right now?
Y/N: your hand is literally around my throat
Tom: ok but that doesn’t answer the question…
Harry: what are you dreaming about?
Tom: usually about killing you all
Harry: I can’t tell whether you’re joking or not
Y/N, who’s heard Tom mutter curses in his sleep: HE’S NOT
Ron: (gets his ass kicked by Hermione)
Y/N: (puts a band-aid on Ron’s forehead)
Ron: what’s this for?
Y/N: your pride
Y/N, trying to get up: mother-
Draco, half asleep: are you calling for my mother?
Y/N, out of breath: SMOTHER! YOU’RE FUCKING SMOTHERING ME!
Tom: I would die for you
Y/N: I can arrange that
Blaise, to Y/N: try using those puppy eyes on someone who will actually give in
Draco, on verge of tears: just give her/ him/ them what she/ he/ they wants/ want!
Y/N: I just thought you could introduce me to some of your single Slytherin friends
Pansy: I wouldn’t introduce you to my worst enemy
Hermione: how many rock bottoms are you going to hit before you start taking care of yourself?
Y/N: I’m thinking of a number between 11 and 26
after Lockhart’s lesson of self-praising
Hermione: so how much did you hear?
Harry: I drank Sleeping Draught and slept right through
Y/N: I knocked myself out on a table counter
Ron: I provoked Oliver into a discussion about Quidditch
Y/N: yeah, I heard, I think he’s still talking…
Fred: come here, Ron. we’re taking you someplace where you’ll feel better
Ron: are you taking me to that muggle family who adopted Scabbers?
George: he died, Ron. he died and Percy buried him in the backyard
Y/N: just not in that order
Tom, to Y/N: are you gonna kiss me or should I just lie to my diary?
Fred: just be calm and emotionally balanced, Ron
George: you’re one to talk
Y/N: didn’t you threw your shoe at a swan yesterday and accidentally fell inside the pond yourself?
Fred: I WAS PROTECTING MY SANDWICH!
Y/N: I haven’t spoken to Oliver for two weeks
Y/N: we’re in a fight
Hermione: you don’t remember why you’re fighting, do you?
Y/N: he knows what he did
Y/N: the risk I took was calculated
Fred: I ALMOST DIED
Y/N: I’m bad at math
Y/N: I was also doing meth
Y/N: what’s it called when you kill your friend?
Tom: I think I just killed Harry
Y/N: so homie-cide?
Tom: no, definitely murder
Dumbledore: I think you would make a fine professor at Hogwarts
Dumbledore: but I overlooked your resume and just have one question - there is a four year information gap
Y/N: I went to Yale
McGonagall: oh, that’s that famous muggle university, right?
Dumbledore: very impressive, you’re hired
Y/N: thank god, I really need this yob