Ravenclaw: You three. Explain. Now

Slytherin: It was Gryffindor

Hufflepuff: It was Gryffindor

Gryffindor: It was Gryffindor

Gryffindor: Damn

tom: why are you squeezing me with your body?

[y/n]: it’s called a hug tom, i’m hugging you

gryffindor: when have i ever done something stupid?

ravenclaw *taking out a notepad*: i’ve been waiting so long to use this

ravenclaw: you put the library on fire, you jumped out of your common room window to see if you would break a leg…..

gryffindor: wait-

ravenclaw: uh, im not finished, *continues listing for another half an hour*

Tom: wait-

Tom: are we fighting or flirting right now?

Y/N: your hand is literally around my throat

Tom:

Tom: ok but that doesn’t answer the question…

Harry: what are you dreaming about?

Tom: usually about killing you all

Harry:

Harry: I can’t tell whether you’re joking or not

Y/N, who’s heard Tom mutter curses in his sleep: HE’S NOT

Ron: (gets his ass kicked by Hermione)

Y/N: (puts a band-aid on Ron’s forehead)

Ron: what’s this for?

Y/N: your pride

Y/N, trying to get up: mother-

Draco, half asleep: are you calling for my mother?

Y/N, out of breath: SMOTHER! YOU’RE FUCKING SMOTHERING ME!

Tom: I would die for you

Y/N: I can arrange that

Blaise, to Y/N: try using those puppy eyes on someone who will actually give in

BONUS

Draco, on verge of tears: just give her/ him/ them what she/ he/ they wants/ want!

Y/N: I just thought you could introduce me to some of your single Slytherin friends

Pansy: I wouldn’t introduce you to my worst enemy

Hermione: how many rock bottoms are you going to hit before you start taking care of yourself?

Y/N: I’m thinking of a number between 11 and 26

after Lockhart’s  lesson of self-praising

Hermione: so how much did you hear?

Harry: I drank Sleeping Draught and slept right through

Y/N: I knocked myself out on a table counter

Ron: I provoked Oliver into a discussion about Quidditch

Y/N: yeah, I heard, I think he’s still talking…

Ron: (sobbing)

Fred: come here, Ron. we’re taking you someplace where you’ll feel better

Ron: are you taking me to that muggle family who adopted Scabbers?

George: he died, Ron. he died and Percy buried him in the backyard

Y/N:

Y/N: just not in that order

Tom, to Y/N: are you gonna kiss me or should I just lie to my diary?

Fred: just be calm and emotionally balanced, Ron

George:

Y/N:

George: you’re one to talk

Y/N: didn’t you threw your shoe at a swan yesterday and accidentally fell inside the pond yourself?

Fred: I WAS PROTECTING MY SANDWICH!

Y/N: I haven’t spoken to Oliver for two weeks

Y/N: we’re in a fight

Hermione:

Hermione: you don’t remember why you’re fighting, do you?

Y/N:

Y/N: he knows what he did

Y/N: the risk I took was calculated

Fred: I ALMOST DIED

Y/N: I’m bad at math

Fred:

Y/N: I was also doing meth

Y/N: what’s it called when you kill your friend?

Tom: murder?

Y/N: homie-cide

BONUS

Tom: I think I just killed Harry

Y/N:

Y/N: so homie-cide?

Tom:

Tom: no, definitely murder

Dumbledore: I think you would make a fine professor at Hogwarts

Dumbledore: but I overlooked your resume and just have one question - there is a four year information gap

Y/N: I went to Yale

McGonagall: oh, that’s that famous muggle university, right?

Dumbledore: very impressive, you’re hired

Y/N: thank god, I really need this yob

Dumbledore:

McGonagall:

Draco: there is only one thing worse than dying

Draco: (tears off paper to reveal ‘Y/N dying’)

Y/N, nodding: myself

Draco: no-