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reidgraygubler · 4 years

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hot cocoa & cuddles (spencer reid/reader)

Title: Hot Cocoa and Cuddles Request: no Pairing: Spencer Reid/Gender Neutral!Reader Category: Fluff Content Warning: swearing (if any), mentions of murder/death, talk about the case Word Count: 4,199 Summary: Reader is freezing while they’re working on a case in Alaska. Spencer has some fun facts about body temperatures and conserving body heat A/N: this is based on episode ‘Exit Wounds’ (ssn 5 ep. 21). nothing too bad, just fluff. i really liked writing this one, made me a softie™. anyways, enjoy! check out my masterlist

{***}{***}{***}

I should have realized just how cold Alaska was going to be when we got on another plane to get to Franklin. Granted, Alaska is cold, and I should have known that before. But still… I’m happy I bought a blanket. And, I’m more than happy that I had the blanket over my lap on the plane. I’m guessing JJ was too, as she was cuddled beside me under my blanket.

“I’m never coming to Alaska again,” I muttered just loud enough for JJ to hear. She laughed and nodded, agreeing with my statement. The pilot of the plane told us all we were about to land and to brace for impact. God this was so much worse than the jet. At least on the jet, I can drink… Here I’m motion sick and miserable.

Since JJ and I were the two smallest, next to Emily and Spencer, we were the first on… Making us the last off. But, let me tell you, I was more than excited to be off the stupid sea-plane and on still ground. It was a little embarrassing when I tumbled out of the plane and into JJ, who in turn tumbled into Spencer.

I was shocked by how cold it actually was. The coolness nipping at the back of my neck, the tip of my nose, and the ends of my ears. I’m sure my ears, nose, and cheeks were starting to turn red because of how cold it was. I’ve been cold since JJ mentioned coming to Alaska, and I just know I’ll never be warm again.

“Holy shit! It’s so freaking cold here!” I looked at the other members of the team. Spencer, who was standing closest to me, looked at me with an amused smile. I hugged my arms around my body to conserve some sort of heat, it was useless. “I’m freezing my tits off,” I spoke, mostly to myself. Emily looked over her shoulder at me with a sly smile, telling me she heard that. I winked at her, my smile being playful.

“Uh here,” Spencer spoke, pulling a hat from his pocket. I looked at it before picking up from his hands. “You tend to lose 7-10% of your body heat from your head.” He looked at me and smiled. I pulled the hat on to my head.

“That… I guess that makes sense,” I shrugged, folding my arms back over my chest. Spencer looked down at me and smiled. “Thanks,” I smiled at him. He nodded, silently returning welcoming me.

Hotch took the lead with the Deputy and Sheriff as he told everyone where to go. I was grateful when he told me to go with David and Spencer to the ME, where I’d be inside, semi-warm. Something about being in Alaska was telling me that I would never be warm again.

“David, can you turn the heat up?” I leaned over the center console and looked at the person driving. David raised an eyebrow as he glanced over at me. “Please, I’m so cold,” I practically begged. He lifted his hand before turning the heat up. I smiled at him as I sat back in my seat.

He pulled into a parking lot for what seemed to be an abandoned gas station but right next to it looked like a doctor’s office. I looked between the two men in front of me before unbuckling and following them out.

“Doc Johnson,” a man spoke up from the porch of the doctor’s office. Spencer and I both looked towards his direction, watching as he stepped down towards us.

I smiled and gave him my name. “And this is SSA David Rossi and Doctor Spencer Reid,” I smiled and gestured behind me to my colleagues.

“Sheriff asked me to keep everyone on ice till you got here,” the doctor spoke as he led us towards a basement. I looked up at Spencer with a cocked eyebrow. “Still, I can't believe someone from Franklin Would be capable of this.” The doctor’s tone was filled with disdain. I could feel the darkness as we entered the basement. We all stopped right at the feet of the victims.

“What convinced you she was stabbed with the arrow Instead of shot?” I asked through a shudder. I couldn’t tell if it was from the bodies in front of us or if it was the freezing air. Probably a mix of both, to be honest.

{***}{***}{***}

I shuddered as I poured myself hot cocoa. My blanket, which I conveniently packed, was draped over my shoulders like a cape. I could hear Derek and Penelope’s giggles from behind me.

“Smart of you to bring a blanket,” Spencer’s voice came from beside me. I smiled and looked up at him. He was making himself a cup of coffee.

“The second JJ said we were going to Alaska, I knew I had to get a blanket.” I looked at him and smiled, pulling the blanket around me more. “Still freezing to death though,” I shook my head in disbelief. The ceramic mug was nearly too hot to hold, but I was beyond freezing. It felt nice to not be outside anymore, instead inside. The fire felt good, but I was still cold.

“You’ll warm up,” Spencer laughed as he poured what seemed like an entire thing of sugar in his cup. I raised my eyebrows and nodded.

“You have enough coffee with your sugar?” I asked, bringing my mug to my lips.

“Not sure there’s ever enough,” he shrugged sipping his coffee. I shook my head and turned to sit. He followed behind me, sitting beside me on the couch.

“Garcia, how's it coming with town records,” Hotch asked, looking between Penelope and his case file. I looked at her and fixed my blanket as she tapped away on her laptop.

“I've run everyone who's been printed through CODIS. Nothing's come up so far. I'm gonna pull an all-nighter, finish going through the town records. Should have background checks by sunrise,” she nodded, looking up at Hotch with a smile. I yawned as I looked down at my hot cocoa. Derek, who was standing behind me, ruffled my hair and laughed.

“I’ll have to agree with, Honeybee, here. I’m exhausted,” Derek spoke, looking around the room. Everyone else in the room had the same look on their face. A mix of determination for solving the case and finding the unsub, and wanting to pass out from exhaustion. A feeling we’ve all felt before when a case like this goes awry.

“I’ve got four rooms set up for you upstairs,” Carol, the owner of the tavern, spoke as she looked between different agents. I dropped my shoulders, my blanket falling off my body, and looked down at my hot cocoa. It comforted me in a weird way and kept me warm, which I will be internally grateful for.

“Uh, four?” Spencer spoke up, cocking his head to the side. The disappointment and confusion in his tone almost made me laugh. I bit my lips so I wouldn’t let the laugh or smile show.

“Sorry, that’s the best I can do. I mean,” Carol gestured around the room to the 6 FBI agents.

“Your team is nearly double the size of my department,” the sheriff spoke up, his tone unnecessarily rude. I furrowed my eyebrows and glanced a Spencer. He was looking down at the coffee table, his lower lip bit back between his lips. I snickered lightly as I brought my mug to my lips. “Goodnight,” the sheriff added before leaving with the deputy.

“Goodnight,” Hotch nodded towards the sheriff. “Looks like we’ll have to double up,” he added, looking up from the file on his lap. I smirked again and looked around the room.

“I’m not sleepin’ with Reid,” Derek spoke from behind Spencer, Penelope and I. I looked back over my shoulder and smiled, shrugging.

“Dibs,” Penelope spoke as she reached back and grabbed Derek’s arm. I laughed and looked at Spencer, who returned his gaze back to the coffee table.

“I’ll bunk with you,” I whispered as I nudged his shoulder. Spencer blinked as he looked over at me. He smiled shyly and nodded. I turned and looked up at Derek. “It’s not that hard, Worker Bee, sharing a room with Reid,” I looked at him. Derek rolled his eyes and laughed.

“Why don’t we all go and get some rest. We’ll have an early morning,” Hotch stood up, closing his file. I looked down at my hot chocolate and pouted. I’d have to leave the only thing keeping me warm behind to go to bed.

“You can probably bring that with,” Spencer whispered to me before standing up. I looked up at him and shrugged. I was just sad that it’d get cold sooner rather than later and I was in no mood to get cold.

“Yeah, probably could,” I whispered, as I adjusted the blanket back over my shoulders as I stood. I pulled it tighter around my body and followed behind Spencer. Carol handed over the key to the room to me as Spencer grabbed our bags. I smiled at her and looked down at the bronze key with a dark blue room tag.

“Lead the way,” I looked up at Spencer. He nodded before taking the stairs up and towards our bedroom. I fumbled with the room key in my free hand while we walked down the hall. I silently celebrated as I got the key in my hand. Spencer stopped just to the side of the door and allowed me to try and unlock the room.

“You alright?” Spencer asked as I shakily put the key in the lock. I glanced at him and nodded, feeling a shudder go through my body.

“I’ve just been cold since we got here and can’t seem to warm up. Nothing is working,” I pouted, unlocking the door, for real, and pushing it open. “I think I have 3 pairs of socks on. I’m on my third cup of hot chocolate. I’ve got my blanket, sweater, and jacket… And, I’m still freezing.” I pouted as I unlocked the door.

“Did you know the human body will start losing body heat as low as 68 degrees Fahrenheit?” Spencer spoke as we entered our room. “And, since it’s been approximately 34 degrees since we got here,” he added as he carefully placed our bags on the ground, just beside the door. I dropped my shoulders, my blanket once again falling off my body, when I saw it was a single, full-sized bed sitting in the middle of the room. “The human body loses about 2% of its heat through air conduction. Although… water causes more heat loss from the body than air does, so heat can be lost from the body very quickly when placed in close water.” He continued to ramble as he grabbed my blanket from the floor. I looked over at him, more annoyed with the single bed than his info-dump. “So, just don’t go swimming or conveniently get pushed into a lake,”

“Spencer,” I kept my eyes on him as he held the blanket between the two of us. I pulled it from his hands and draped it over my arm and cocked my head to the side.

“Was I… Was I rambling again?” he asked, keeping his voice low like he was embarrassed from the amount of information he just gave. I blinked at him slowly and nodded.

“Yes, but that’s not why I’m annoyed,” I spoke, mildly annoyed as I brought my mug to my lips. I turned back and looked at the bed. Spencer followed my eyes and looked at the bed. A small “Oh,” fell from his lips in realization of why I was frustrated. “Rochambeau for the bed?” I glanced at Spencer as he stepped into the room more. He looked at me as he grabbed both bags.

“You can have it,” he smiled as he entered the room. I watched as he placed the two bags on the bed before digging into his. I let out a small sigh of relief and entered the room. I pressed the door shut and turned back to look at him. He had pulled out his pajamas and towels to shower.

“You sure?” I asked, watching as he went towards the bathroom. Spencer stopped in the door frame and turned to look at me. He smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll sleep on the floor. Don’t worry about it,” he readjusted the grip on his clothes. I nodded and turned to look at the bed. “I’m going to take a shower real quick.” He jerked his thumb behind him towards the bathroom. I looked back at him and smiled.

“Sounds good,” I nodded. He quietly entered the bathroom, pressing the door shut behind him, leaving me alone in the room. I placed my hot chocolate on the side table before turning back to my luggage bag. I fished for my own pajamas. I really didn’t want to take off my jacket, sweater, and rest of my already warmed clothes. But, I also didn’t want to sleep in jeans.

All well. I’d rather be comfortable and get warmed again than be uncomfortable. So, I quickly changed into my pajamas before slipping between the covers. My teeth were chattering so hard I was worried I’d break them.

45 minutes later, Spencer stepped out of the bathroom. He was shaking his hair through a towel as he walked towards the bed. I glanced at him with furrowed eyebrows. He looked back at me, cocking an eyebrow.

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, putting his dirty clothes into his bag. I nodded and swallowed roughly. He smiled, mostly because he knew I was lying. My body was visibly shaking from how cold I was. “You sure?”

“It’s so cold,” I pouted, pulling the blankets tighter. Spencer laughed and looked down at me. I silently cursed myself for not bringing or buying a hot water bottle to keep warm. “I’d do anything to get warm again,” I pouted. Spencer laughed again.

“It’s proven that cuddling is the best way to share body heat,” he spoke, draping his towel over the bathroom door. I sat up and looked at him. “Cuddling naked with your significant other, or even a dog if you’re single,” Spencer started as he made his way back towards me. I glared at him as I pulled my knees to my chest. I watched as he sat on the edge of the bed. “Under a blanket will warm you up faster than a fleece sweater, or sleeping alone with multiple blankets. Apart from being energy-efficient, there may be other added benefits as well,” he finished his info-dump and looked at me. I dropped my shoulders as I stared at him. “What?”

“I’m not sleeping with you, Spencer,” I pointedly stared at him. He opened his mouth to protest but failed to speak when I continued. “Naked or not. I’m not sleeping with you. I’d rather be cold.” I stated. I wasn’t entirely sure if it was a lie or not, and I think Spencer couldn't decipher my statement either. Sure, I’d do anything to warm up… But I think cuddling with Spencer is where I draw the line.

“But you sai-”

“Yeah, I know what I said. But, I’m not cuddling with you,” I pulled the blanket back around me as I coiled into the fetal position on the bed. Spencer laughed at me, again for the third time. I glared at him as he stood up.

“Suit yourself then. Enjoy being cold then,” he winked at me, causing me to roll my eyes. I watched, as best as I could, as he pulled the extra bedding from the closet to make a makeshift bed area on the ground beside the bed. “Did you turn the heater up?” He asked. Pfft, did I turn the heater up? What kind of idiot does he think I am?

“No,” I looked anywhere but him, pulling the blanket over my head. I let out a deep sigh as Spencer chuckled. “Listen! All I was thinking about was changing into my pajamas and getting under the covers! I didn’t think about the radiator! Because I was cold!” I half-shouted through the blankets. The bed dipped beside me, telling me Spencer was sitting down. I pouted before pulling my head out of the blankets. “Can I help you? I’m busy?” I glared at him.

“Really? What’s keeping you busy?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest. I glared and looked down at my body, under the blankets.

“I’m trying to re-warm myself because it’s damn cold out here!” I half-shouted as I pulled my knees to my chest. Spencer smiled at me before ruffling my hair. “Hey!” I glared at him again.

“Well, I turned the heater up for you. Sleep tight,” he smiled as he shut the light off before laying down in his makeshift bed. I rolled my eyes as I tried to get more comfortable. Granted, it was useless because I was beyond cold. I was freezing. Sleep would never come and I would probably wake up still cold and in a bitter mood. I hate the cold.

{***}{***}{***}

“Alright,” Spencer spoke to the dark room. I furrowed my eyebrows as I rolled to face where he was. I could just barely make out his silhouette in the dark-ish room. “I can’t sleep with the teeth chatter,” he spoke, turning the light on. I let out a groan of protest as the light hit my eyes, nearly blinding me. Great, now I’m mostly blind and cold! I pulled the blanket tighter around me and looked in Spencer’s direction.

“What… What are you do-doing?” I spoke through chattering. Spencer looked at me as he picked up the pile of blankets on the ground.

“Well, assuming you’re still, as you put it earlier today, freezing your tits off, I’m going to change that,” he muttered, pulling the blanket off my body. I widened my eyes and let out a small yelp. The cold was instantly at me. Like needles poking at my exposed skin.

“Spencer!” I half-screeched as he laid down next to me. He was quick though, moving closer beside me as he pulled the covers back over us. “What… Are you mad!?” I turned to look at him, my eyes wide. He reached behind him to shut the light off before wrapping his arms around me. “This isn’t just some way to get in bed with me… Is it?” I asked, not entirely sure if this was real. But, of course, it was in fact real. Spencer Reid just pulled the covers off me and laid down in bed to keep me warm. “Seriously?” I stared at him with wide eyes.

“Seriously. Sharing body heat can keep a person warm,” he looked down at me. I stared at him, this moment entirely too intimate for two friends and co-workers. “I know I’m already warming up,” he shrugged, nuzzling his head into the pillow beneath him.

“Probably has something to do with not being on the floor anymore,” I pointed out, a small smile on my lips. Spencer laughed and nodded.

“Yeah, that probably has something to do with it,” he opened his eyes and looked back at me. He had a small smile on his lips, making me want to laugh.

“We’ll see if your theory is true, Reid,” I looked up at him as I turned around, making it so my back was pressed to his chest. He was careful as he wrapped his arms around my middle, resting right under my chest. His legs suddenly got tangled and mixed up with mine. And, he rested his head right on top of mine. Part of me wanted to hold his hand, but another part was screaming at me and telling me that we should not be cuddling, no matter how warm I was getting.

I exhaled a deep breath, suddenly feeling safer and warmer than before we went to bed. Damn, he wasn’t wrong, I am getting warm. Of course, Spencer Reid isn’t wrong. Bastard is always right… About freaking everything.

“Are you warming up?” Spencer asked, his voice low and filled with sleepy. I smiled softly and nodded. He hummed, clearly pleased with my answer. “Do you want me to go back to the floor?” his tone sounded pitiful.

“No, no you’re fine, Spence,” I whispered, giving up and just grabbing his hand. He hummed again, happy that I’m holding his hand. “I think it’s because of the extra blankets though. Nothing else,” I laughed, taking note in the 4 blankets over our bodies. When should I start to worry about overheating and will that be possible? I sure hope not.

“That’s it? Nothing else?” Spencer mused. It was clear he was suppressing a laugh, which only made me laugh. I smiled and shook my head.

“I think that’s it,” I chuckled and nodded. Spencer let out a breath of air, which tickled the back of my neck. I laughed as I pulled the blanket tighter around me. ��We should get some rest, Spencer. Early morning,” I pointed out and repeated with Hotch had said earlier in the day.

“I like your thinking,”

{***}{***}{***}

“How’d you sleep?” Spencer asked as I tied up my shoes. I looked up and shrugged. He was fixing the bed, making it so it was nice when we got back. I’m happy he was awake a while before I was, making it not awkward for either of us to wake up in each other’s arms. He was ready for the day well before I was even awake.

“I slept okay. Crick in my neck though. It’ll go away over time,” I stood up and grabbed my sweater and jacket. I walked back over to Spencer as he was smoothing out the final wrinkle. “But, it was some of the best sleep I’ve gotten in weeks,” I smiled at him. He glanced up at me, a small smile on his lips.

“Did you get too warm? Or… Uh… Were you-” he started to ask but gave up because he was tripping over his words. I chuckled as I pulled my sweater on.

“I was comfortable. Thanks for asking,” I shrugged my jacket on, “Only my toes were cold, but that’s an easier fix than the rest of my body,” I winked at him. I pulled the hat he gave me yesterday out of my pocket and pulled it on my head.

“Yeah! I can complain about that!” Spencer exclaimed as he pulled his own jacket on. I rolled my eyes but smiled nonetheless. “Does that mean you want me in the bed again tonight?” he asked as we walked towards the door. “Or do you want me back on the floor?” He asked, his voice softer than before. I grabbed my small throw blanket and folded it back up, draping it over my arm.

“Only if you can keep me warm like you did last night,” I smiled as we both left our room. Spencer chuckled and nodded.

“I’m sure I can make that happen,” he whispered as we headed towards the commons room. Everyone, other than Emily, was sitting around the room and drinking coffee.

“What’s got you two all smiley?” Derek half-grumbled as we entered the room. I looked back at him and beamed. Spencer stepped away from me to make himself a coffee.

“Can you make me hot cocoa?” I looked away from Derek and towards Spencer. He smiled and nodded. “Just had a really good night of sleep. Slept like a log,” I looked back at Derek as I took a seat on the couch. I folded my blanket over my knee and waited for Spencer to come back.

“Oh, so Pretty Boy and you are a thing now?” Derek asked. I laughed and shook my head.

“No, he slept on the ground… Just like you,” I smirked at him. Spencer handed me a mug of hot chocolate and I was slightly warm again. “For the first half of the night,” I said the last half under my breath. Spencer glanced at me and shook his head.

“I slept amazing last night. I don’t know about you,” Spencer looked across the room and towards his friend, “The temperature was just right. Not too hot, not too cold,” he added with a small smile. It was my turn to smile and shake my head.

“Hold up, how did you get warm on the floor?” Derek asked, looking at Spencer with disbelief on his face.

“I guess my radiator is better than yours,” he retorted as he sipped his coffee. I looked over at Spencer before sneaking a quick glance at Derek.

“Clearly something happened between you two. When you guys are ready to tell the rest of the class, I’m sure we’ll be delighted to hear,” Derek stated as he crossed his arms over my chest.

Yeah, we’ll just let them think something happened. Because all that actually happened was two friends keeping each other warm. Nothing actually happened.

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itsybitsyspiderling · 4 years

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don’t touch my stuff

find it here on ao3 !

Summary: Peter decides to take an old Iron Man suit out for a spin. Naturally, Tony finds out.

Words Count: 2.8k

“Mister Stark?” Peter calls, walking into––what seems to be––an empty workshop. He’s light on his feet, careful not to make too much noise while the older man recovers from a nasty cold that has riddled him useless. So far, he’s been out for three days and counting. A lousy three days.

Oddly enough, Peter’s been going out of his way just to contract the damn thing. His textbook immune system makes it impossible to miss a single day of school, and he’s tired. He just wants to sleep on the couch and eat nothing but toast while he watches Cartoon Network for several hours. Sure, he knows he could lie and pretend he has a sore tummy, but his unrelenting guilt would eat him up within the first hour. He would easily come clean before May could leave the house.

The workshop is a perfect reflection of how his mentor handles having an illness. A coffee stain the size of New York sits idle on his desk, and half-used boxes of tissues are littered across the room. DUM-E is currently in the process of cleaning up the discarded, crumpled-up tissues that have been there since the first wretched day.

One thing Peter wouldn’t have guessed about Tony is that he’s a complainer when he’s sick. Peter doesn’t understand why he––a sixteen-year-old with bigger problems like homework and acne––is left to take care of him. The man can’t go twenty minutes without groaning and moaning about his stuffed sinuses. Peter can’t stand it.

“Hello, Peter,” FRIDAY greets. “Boss is upstairs sleeping. Would you like me to alert him that you’ve arrived? I’ll be careful not to wake him too abruptly. We both know how he gets.”

Peter laughs and fidgets with a few stray tools on a nearby workbench. A lot of their old work has been left untouched since they last got together. Since they were both healthy and able to talk like normal people. Now, Tony’s been hopped up on NyQuil for three days straight.

“Um––nah, I’ll just hang out here for a while,” Peter says and smiles over at DUM-E. The robotic arm whirs back gleefully. “What’s his temp today, Fri?”

“99.8 degrees Fahrenheit,” she answers.

“Oh, good.” Peter crosses the room. “That just means he can finally get off his ass soon and help me for once.

“He’ll probably still be congested for about another week or two.”

Peter groans, head falling back as he trudges the floor. “I don’t think I can last another day,” he says. “Please don’t tell him I said this––it’s gonna sound really mean––but, God, he’s such a baby. I used to think I was bad when I got sick.”

“Believe me, Peter, no one can be as bad as him,” the AI affirms.

Peter settles down at Tony’s desk and shuffles through the stray papers on top. Letters, fan art, more letters, more fan art… Peter pouts. He wishes he could get fan art.

“He’d just tell me to suck it up, probably,” he mumbles, brain still on the topic of his mentor’s ailments. “I’d have t’suck it up and 'spidey up'––as he calls it, and then I’d pass out on the job, and he’d be all ‘Why are you on the floor? Why didn’t you just tell me you were sick, Peter?’ and ‘Why didn’t you stay home and have your lovely aunt make you a nice pot of soup?’ And then I’d be forced into saying that he told me so, when really, he didn’t. Like, at all.”

“Sounds like something he would do.”

Peter’s lips quirk into a small smile. He likes FRIDAY––he likes her sassy moments, and as much as he loves Karen, sometimes he needs that shift back down to earth. He also needs someone else that will poke fun at Tony when everyone else is afraid to.

“It is something he would do,” says Peter. “I twisted my ankle once, and he was like, ‘Well, that’s dumb, why would you do that?’—like I had a choice in the matter. Sometimes he just really—”

Before Peter can finish his thought, one of the monitors above Tony’s desk flashes. The word “Complete” blinks in bright green.

“Complete?” Peter sits forward. “What did I complete? Did I win something? I didn’t touch anything, did I?”

“You didn’t,” says FRIDAY. “The Mark Forty-Five has just received a new paint job.”

“Oh, cool.” Peter nods and, a beat later, states, “wait, but he doesn’t use that one anymore.”

“Boss likes to maintain a certain… look.”

Peter’s brows knot together as he thinks. Long and hard. And what he eventually thinks up turns out to be a terrible, terrible idea. A good terrible idea. “Interesting. Is—is that suit here?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think Mister Stark would notice if I took it out for a little spin?”

“I don’t even think the Boss can touch his toes," the AI replies. There’s hardly an inflection in her tone.

Peter hums. A familiar excitement bubbles in his chest. Sure, he’s thought about asking to wear the suit a million and one different times, but the idea of doing without Tony even knowing––Peter has never jumped out of his seat so fast. If Tony ever finds out, Peter is toast. But he won’t. Just a brief flight. Nothing could go wrong.

“You won’t tattle on me, right, Fri?” he asks.

“Of course not.”

“Knew I could count on you.” Peter smiles, but it falters as he stops in his tracks. “Wait––this is stupid. I’m stupid. Aren’t the suits coded to him?”

“Yes, but he has them coded to you, too.”

“What? Really?”

“He has them coded to all of his loved ones.”

Peter blinks. He blinks again. “S-say that again?”

“Boss has given his loved ones access to his suits in the case of immediate mortal danger,” she says. “That includes you.”

“Quit pullin’ my leg, Fri,” Peter half-chuckles, scratching the back of his head. “Just tell me I can’t use the suit.”

“I’m not pulling your leg.”

He rubs at his forehead and lets out a breath.

“Your body language suggests that you’re nervous.”

“Yeah, yeah, well––” Peter squints his eyes shut. “I mean, it’s Mister Stark. What if––what if he finds out? My head’ll be served for breakfast. A-and then he’ll take away Spider-Man, and Fri, I don’t know if I can––”

“Are you going to let fear dictate your life, Peter?”

His eyebrows raise at the question. Holy shit. He’s never heard FRIDAY speak so philosophically before. And she called him scared. He’s not scared––he’s just spending a little extra time making sure it’s the right decision, of course.

“No,” he mumbles, biting as his lip. “I don’t wanna do that.” Around him, provocative prototypes and unfinished creations await his final verdict. The bare bones of a gauntlet scream his name on a table to his right. Peter nods. “Okay. Okay. I’m doing it. Fri––oh shit, I’ve always wanted to say this––all right, let’s take this outside.”

Tony is in the middle of dreaming about fighting an army of robot dogs when FRIDAY’s voice intervenes. He awakes in a daze, torso slumped to the floor while his bottom half remains comfortably on the couch. There’s a tissue stuck to his hand, another flat on his t-shirt, and the pressure in his sinuses goes right back up to his head once he sits up.

“Oh, Jesus,” he groans out, clutching his forehead as he leans over his knees. “Wh-what is it? I was just fighting robotic French Bulldogs––and losing.”

“Peter Parker has asked me not to tell you that he’s taken the Mark Forty-Five out for a flight,” the AI replies.

Tony winces. Mark XLV. Gosh, he hasn’t used that one since Sokovia. It did a helluva fine job, but the memory makes him shudder. He’s successfully not thought about that battle since at least last week, and while it’s not as fresh as some of the others, the reminder still leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Mister Parker doesn’t even know the half of what––wait a minute.

“Hold up. Say that again.”

“I’ve been told not to tell you that Peter Parker is out in the Mark Forty-Five suit.”

Tony sits up, and his sinuses flare once again. He doesn’t even react. “M-my Peter? Peter Parker?”

“Yes, boss.”

It takes a few seconds for Tony to stand, meanwhile, he clutches the sides of the couch to keep from passing out. He’s not sure if it’s possible, but he thinks he might have an iron deficiency. And, somehow, Peter Parker has everything to do with it. The stacks of homework, the near-death situations, the constant stress he’s put the poor billionaire under… there’s no question about it.

“And he asked you not to tell me?”

“Yes, boss.”

Tony lets out a breath. “Not sure where exactly your loyalty lies, but I’ll take it. What’s he––why is he––? Oh, I’m gonna kill him. Run me the live audio. Where is he?”

FRIDAY doesn’t answer. Instead, the Mark XVL’s live feed is fed through her operating system. The living space of the compound fills with static, wind, and the familiar, all-too-cheery, soon-to-be-dead-as-a-doornail voice of Peter Parker.

“All righty then, Fri––”

Tony furrows his eyebrows. That’s his nickname for FRIDAY. Son of a bitch.

“––let’s see what this baby can do––oh, shit!”

As the harsh sound of rattling, crackling, and somehow, buzzing, echo throughout the room, Tony rolls his eyes. He’s never been given the chance to forget how young the kid is.

“Okay, okay, I didn’t like that,” Peter says. “Let’s not do that again. Jesus, how does Mister Stark not get motion sick?”

“Cut the feed,” Tony urges. He isn’t sure how to handle his anger. He keeps it contained in his chest while his fingers claw at the couch cushions below him. The rest of his anger resides in his jaw. “I’m gonna kill him. I’m literally gonna kill him. Get me a suit.”

“Boss, your temperature has climbed to––”

“I don’t care,” he says. “Don’t fuckin’ care. I need a suit. I need t’keep my kid from killing himself before I kill him.”

“Incoming call from Tony Stark.”

“W-what?” Peter sputters. “No, no! Fri, don’t answer.”

“Declining call from Tony Stark.”

“Holy shit, thank you.”

Peter has learned three things since he left the compound as Iron Man nearly ten minutes ago. One, he’s not great with changes in altitude. Like, at all. Two, the suit is massively uncomfortable. He’s not sure how Tony can manage more than a half-hour without feeling claustrophobic. And three, Peter has never felt so cool in his entire life.

Ever since he can remember, he’s looked up to Iron Man. The hero has always been untouchable––almost unreal––prior to Germany back in ‘16. Granted, Peter has been a kid for that entire time, and kids think everything that breathes is awesome and larger than life. But with Iron Man, it’s been different. Iron Man has been an emotional crutch, something he could always trust. And now, he’s in the suit.

Peter can’t wait to tell Ned.

But––why did Tony call him?

“I think we’ve had enough fun for today,” Peter says, chuckling nervously as he figures out how to stop flying.

“Setting a course back to the compound,” FRIDAY states. “Do you want me to alert Tony that you’re on your way back?”

“What? No!” Peter’s heart jumps while he takes off soaring in the opposite direction. He’s tired, and he’s flown into too many trees. And he thinks he might have knocked a bird out of its nest earlier in the flight. “Shit, wait––does that mean he knows? Is that why he called me?”

“Your personal phone is not connected to the Mark Forty-Five’s heads-up display,” she replies.

“Oh,” Peter whispers. After that, he finally registers what she meant. “Oh. Oh no. Th-that means he called himself. He called the suit. I’m dead. I’m dead meat.”

“Incoming call from––”

“Don’t answer.”

“Override.”

“Parker.” It’s Tony.

Peter flinches, eyes screwing shut as he holds in a breath. “Hey, Mister Stark.” He exhales shakily.

“Hey, Mister Stark, yeah, okay––” Tony chuckles, but it’s not genuine. Not in the slightest. Even the soundwaves in the HUD look menacing. “Where have you been?”

“I’m out,” Peter answers, "on a stroll.”

“Uh-huh, sure.”

He’s dead. He’s literally dead. He doesn’t know how he can lie his way through this, but hell, he’s going to try. “Honest. I’ll be back soon. I promise.”

Tony laughs again. It’s frighteningly evil. And congested. “Kid, if you’re somehow not dead by the time you get back, I may just kill you myself.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, just watch me.”

Peter’s skin crawls at the sound of Tony’s voice. He’s dead. “Mister Stark, I’m––”

“Get your ass back here,” Tony says. “Now. We’ll talk then. FRIDAY, take him home. Turn off manual control.”

“Yes, boss.”

Before Peter can interject, the call cuts off and the heads-up display returns back to normal. His eyes well up, and his throat clenches as he tries to breathe through––what feels like––a straw. Under his breath, he mutters, “traitor,” but FRIDAY doesn’t answer.

Peter’s landing is rough, and it’s almost comical for Tony to watch. But nothing is funny to him, not right now. It was one thing when Rhodey took the suit some-odd years ago––it was Rhodey, a full-grown adult––yet Tony’s stomach twists at the sight of Peter under that faceplate. There’s anger, and then there’s something that many people know as heartbreak. Tony just doesn’t want to admit he is possible of feeling that type of thing. Peter has broken his heart more times than he can count.

“Mister Stark, I’m so––” Peter tries, eyes wide as the suit peels away from around him. He’s startled by the action.

“Nah, I don’t think you get the chance to speak first,” Tony says. He adorns a suit himself––spanking new nanotech that, surprisingly, feels comfortable. Like a second skin. “Did you even think about your actions, or did you just assume that it was a good idea?”

Peter shakes his head a few times. “No, no. I-I did think. I––”

“Yeah, clearly, you didn’t!” Tony waves his arms, and they drop back down to his sides. “Newsflash, kid. That suit costs more than yours tripled. If you had even scratched a finger––”

“I would’ve fixed it, Mister Stark,” Peter replies without a beat. “I would have repaired it myself. You taught me how. I wouldn’t have––”

“How did you expect me to react to this?”

Peter’s shoulders slump. “I didn’t think you’d find out,” he mutters.

Tony wants to laugh again. So this is what being a parent feels like. May deserves more credit than he’s given her. “If you think you’re such an ‘Iron Man’ expert, then you should’ve just made your own damn suit.”

Peter’s gaze drops. He accepts blow after blow without question.

But Tony, well, he just gave himself an idea.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted your own suit, kiddo?” he asks, feeling his anger slowly diminish by the second. And meanwhile, ideas of a possible “Iron Spider” fill his head.

“I-I––” Peter hugs his arms. “I dunno.”

Tony ponders. His excitement to tinker suddenly outweighs any irritation he once had. Of course, he’s still mad, but seeing the kid look so discouraged and defeated makes Tony’s heart do something weird. Maybe he does see the kid as his kid.

“All right, well,” he begins, lips twisting while he nods toward the compound, “get inside. Maybe we’ll brainstorm while we talk about how grounded you’re gonna be for the next ten years.”

Relief floods over Peter, and he chuckles. Together, they make their way back inside. The Mark XLV follows.

“Why are you in a suit?” Peter asks after a few seconds.

“Oh, yeah, forgot about that,” Tony mumbles, tapping at the unit on his chest before the nanites trickle back into it. He sniffs, and suddenly he can feel the ache of his sinuses once again. “Yeah, well, I didn’t know if I was gonna have to chase after you or scrape you out of some crater you created because you fell five-hundred feet.”

“I actually think I did pretty okay.”

“Kid,” Tony says, laughing, “I saw you fly in. You definitely almost killed someone.”

Peter huffs and folds his arms. “Well, Fri said I was doing great for a first-timer.”

“Fri––since you insist on calling her that now––is a liar,” Tony replies. “And she definitely likes you too much. I think you’ve become her favorite.”

When he looks over, Peter is smiling.

“What?” asks Tony.

“Nothing.” Peter shrugs. “Just that you made her, and somehow, I managed to become her favorite. S’all.”

“Shut up.” Tony elbows the kid, and it pushes him back a few feet.

“Hey!”

“That’s what you get,” Tony mocks. “Next time, don’t touch my stuff.”

24 notes · View notes

rosy-chimchim · 5 years

Text

Sweet As Can Be

Genre: F L U F F, a little nsfw at points, lots of ice cream and smooches Word Count: 10k baby Summary: Summer jobs blow, but boy are you glad that the cute ice cream scoop decided to work this summer break (This whole idea came from me falling in love worth Scoops Ahoy and Steve Harrington in Stranger Things season 3, but it’s nothing like Stranger Things lol.)

it was hot out

Like REALLY HOT

You know that type of humid sticky hot that feels like the air is just suffocating you in it’s yucky blanket of heat

That type of hot

You could feel yourself melting with each step you took home,,,it was just nasty

Each owner of the little mom and pop shops you’d pass by would give you a sympathetic smile or wave as you struggled on your trek home,,,oOf they knew it was bad out there

It was horrible >:(

All you wanted was to be at home laying in front of an industrial fan, drinking some cold goddamn water

Maybe not an industrial fan that would be really aggressive,,,a moderately sized but still powerful fan

You had been planning on relaxing by the beach this afternoon

You even packed a cute little beach bag with a sandwich, a juice box, a towel, sunscreen, and some books you were reading!!!

but you forgot to check the weather and weren’t expecting this ~𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓽𝔀𝓪𝓿𝓮~ to hit and hit HARD

You set out for your beach adventure all excited to finally get a relaxing afternoon to yourself and the wonderful ocean!

But as you continued your journey to the beach, the temperature began to increase, going from a temperate 80 degrees fahrenheit with a nice breeze here and there to a WHOPPING 96 degrees with intense humidity and literally no breeze

Like wtf

Halfway to the beach you decided to call it, it was way too hot and the thought of steaming like a lobster on the sand wasn’t very appealing anymore

Throughout your walk home you had eaten your sandwich and drank your juice box

It wasn’t even a big juice box it was like one of those stupid Motts Kids juice boxes that only contains like 5 sips of juice, anyway-

Your tummy was rumbling and you were slowly giving into the idea of getting food

You scanned the block you were walking for any place to grab something to eat

There was a flower shop, not an option

A salon, once again,,, thats a no go

Rows and rows of apartments, lucky bastards in their air conditioned homes

Your eyes fall on a yellow and pink building, it sticks out like a sore thumb around the chicer buildings in the area

Walking closer you read the shops sign

‘Scoopies Frozen Treats: Authentic Ice Cream Parlor!’

PERFECT

Pushing the double doors open, you hear a little bell go off signifying the workers you were here

The…wor…kers??

There was nobody here

No one was behind the counter or the rows and rows of ice cream tubs

ICE CREAM TUBS

With hesitant steps and a few more glances around the parlor you walked up to the glass window where the ice cream was held

The colors and flavors were mesmerizing, they all looked so delicious

Of course you had your classics: vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, etc.

But there were also some more interesting flavors: lemon poppyseed, honey pistachio, PB&J swirl, Sour Patch kids and more

Entranced by the varying flavors you never heard the back door being pushed open by a grumbling boy

Or the sound of his feet as he made his way over to you

“Hi welcome-“

“HOLY SHIT”

“-to Scoopies?”

You swear you jumped five feet in the air from being startled

Damn he got you good,,,real big spook

Composing yourself and trying to will away the flush of embarrassment you finally look up at the boy who just gave you the scare of your life

“Yes, h-hi, hello. Jesus you really startled me wOW.” You managed to cough out

Wow really articulate

Your jumpy nerves did not settle when you focused on the employee in front of you

Oh wow he’s really cute

Black fluffy hair, pale skin, cute eyes that were scrunched up to match the look of a somewhat grumpy concern on his face

And to top it all off,,,a Scoopies uniform

A light pink and white striped t shirt with a yellow apron which had a smiling ice cream cone on it

The text underneath the cone said “I’m as sweet as our ice cream!” SNORT

The pout that he was wearing seemed to speak otherwise

“Soooo are you gonna get anything?”

Oh right you were here for ice cream

“Yeah! Could I please have two scoops of strawberry please?”

You totally didn’t flash your brightest smile at him in hopes that he would think you were as cute as you thought he was nope not at all

Giving you a nod, he pulled out his scooper and began to fill your order

And not to like,,, drool or anything but his hands be lookin NICE while he grips that ice cream scooper

Making your way to the register you wait for the boy to finish scooping your order

“$3.50 is your total”

You hand over your money and he grabs it

Your eyes follow up his arm to look at his pretty face again

His hair was puffy and tousled, most likely from the humidity along with his slightly rosy cheeks,,, damn it must suck to be working right now

You glance toward his chest, hoping to find a name tag

BINGO THERE IT IS

“Hi my name is Yoongi!”

Yoongi,,,,cute name

“Here’s your change, have a good afternoon.”

Grabbing both your change and ice cream you start to head out the door when you remember

The smoldering heat that awaits outside

Gross, like mega gross

You really didn’t want to face that again, not after being in the cool ice cream parlor

You glanced around the shop, there were only three tables and part of you didn’t feel like sitting at a table alone,,,that felt a little sad

The were pink stools and a counter next to the ice cream display and that seemed like a perfect place to sit your little butt down and enjoy your treat

You set your bag on the seat next to you and started to eat your ice cream and holy shit did it hit the spot

You almost moaned out loud about how good the cold creamy treat felt on your parched throat,,,it was delicious

Continuing to eat, you let your eyes wander in search for Yoongi, the cute ice cream boy

You really couldn’t help yourself

He was fiddling around with some equipment, you’re not really sure cause all you could focus on was his face tbh

He was very very pretty like one of the prettiest people you’d ever seen

Something about him just entrances you

He looked like the cute boy next door type that you dreamed about as a kid

Okay you gotta look away now this staring thing is getting kind of creepy

You continued to eat your ice cream only occasionally glancing toward the cute boy

Again you really couldn’t help yourself!!!

It was quite the shock when you saw him starting to walk over to you

This is your chance!!! Trying to talk to him is now your mission

Yoongi spritzed the glass display and began to clean it when he heard a voice cut through the silence of the parlor

“It must be hard working on such a hot day like this huh?”

Oh you were still here, he thought you had left a while back

Okay that’s such a lie he knew you were still here but was just trying to ignore you so he wouldn’t get distracted while cleaning and possibly knock something over and make a fool of himself

You were sweet(and really cute but you didn’t hear that from him), the sweetest customer he had all day, it seemed you fit the Scoopies “sweet as ice cream” slogan better than any of the employees

He was used to dealing with middle aged mothers coming in and barking orders at him about how they want to try this or that or how they only want this flavor but they were sold out of it but they wanted it anyways and-

It was safe to say that you were a very needed change of pace

Lost in his own thoughts, Yoongi realized he forgot to respond to your question

Your smile drops as you only get a grunt in reply to your question

Dang, not very talkative

You brace yourself and try and shoot your shot one more time

“Have you been very busy today? Ya know because of how warm it is?”

His eyes flicker up to yours and stare blankly for a second

Shit maybe you shouldn’t have pushed your luck and asked a second question

Oh noooo now he thinks you’re weird for asking him so many questions when he was clearly just trying to do his job and clean

In your head your beginning to formulate a plan of how to leave as quickly as possible without looking like a crazy person, oh god you can never walk on this block again in fear of him seeing you

“Honestly not as many as you’d think.”

OH WEVE GOT A HIT

WE’VE GOT A PROPERLY WORDED RESPONSE

Your smile reaches your ears as you respond “it’s probably cause no one wants to leave their little air conditioned paradises and face the nasty heat.”

He gives you his own little smile in response

“Yeah I think that’s it.”

That little gummy smile sent your way made yours grow even larger

The silence between you two comes back but not for long

“Soooo, why did you leave your ‘air conditioned paradise’ today?”

ALERT ALERT HE JUST INITIATED THE CONVERSATION WHICH TRANSLATES THAT HES NOT ANNOYED BY YOOOUUU

You go into your whole spiel of how you were going to the beach but didn’t think to check the weather and look you even made this cute bag and all!!!

And he watched you, trying not to smile too big at the animated way you moved as you talked

Your hands flew all over the place and your eyebrows furrowed and unfurrowed at different points in the story, depending on the intensity

Once you finished the retelling of your day, you took a deep breathe

Talking about this heatwave got you really worked up

An understanding expression graced Yoongi’s features and he nodded

“That’s pretty rough. I missed my bus today and walked here in the heat too.”

“Isn’t just horrible out there?”

Yoongi was nice to talk to, there weren’t very many awkward pauses and your conversation kept him occupied while he cleaned

You had finished your ice cream a long time ago and now just sat at the counter, swiveling in your stool as you listened to Yoongi intently

But still, you knew that you couldn’t stay in that ice cream parlor forever even though you wanted to, very much so :(

You got up and threw your empty cup in the trash and gathered your bag, making sure you were leaving with everything you came with

Yoongi has gone back to cleaning the display, a little sad that you were leaving so soon

Even though it wasn’t “so soon” and you had been there a solid 45 minutes

As you were walking out the door you yelled “See you later!” over your shoulder and proceeded with your walk home

He muttered a soft “Bye” he doubts you heard but it’s the thought that counts

Yoongi stands back at the register twiddling his thumbs and replaying your conversation over in his head

Your conversation

You

HE NEVER ASKED YOU FOR YOUR NAME

WHAT KIND OF DOOFUS DOESNT ASK THE PRETTY GIRL HES BEEN CHATTING WITH FOR HER NAME

A YOONGI KIND OF DOOFUS APPARENTLY

He just prays that you come back to visit him so he can properly get to know you :(

You did say “see you later” so he hopes that’s a good sign

That later comes sooner than expected and you find yourself walking into Scoopies two days later

This time there’s a bit of a line but you wait, bouncing on your heels and hoping that time would move a little faster

You gotta see your cinnamon apple!!!!

Well not really YOUR cinnamon apple

He doesn’t really know you like that

Anyway the line finally shortens and your excited cause not only do you get to see Yoongi but you also get ice cream!!

You walk up to the register all confidently ready to woo Yoongi right then and there

Only to be greeted by a different employee

A shock of light pink hair and a nice smile

His name tag said “Hi my name is Jimin!” With a bunch of hearts and flowers doodle around it

“Hi there! What can I get for you today?”

“Oh um, could I please have two scoops of cookie dough please?”

Mission of woo cute ice cream scoop failed, target not in range and not serving you

But Jimin was very sweet to you and your pretty sure he gave you a little extra ice cream instead of just two scoops

You took a seat at the counter, peaking around equipment to see if Yoongi was hiding behind anything

He’s pretty small lol

Got ‘em

Anyway, no luck he wasn’t tucked in any crevice of the parlor

“Excuse me?”

Jimin turns toward you

Oh shit no this probably isn’t a smart

“Is-is he here?”

“Is who here?”

Again super articulate questioning you goof

“Um Yoongi! Is Yoongi here? Today?”

Jimin smiled, he likes your personality, you remind him of an over excited puppy always tripping over themselves

“No he isn’t in right now.”

You smile falters and you glance down

Suddenly your feet dangling off the stool became very interesting

“Okay, that’s fine.” You send him a small smile trying to mask your slight disappointment

You barely knew this dude but you were upset you didn’t get to see him working? Jesus girl get a grip

“Buuuut, he’ll be here in 15 minutes for his next shift!”

Your head shoots up from the ground

“Oh! Okay perfect!”

You grin widens as Jimin laughs at your reaction

“How do you know Yoongi? Are you a friend of his?”

How do you explain your infatuation with Yoongi

“Well not friends exactly,,,I’d like to be his friend! He helped me yesterday and we just kind of hit it off ya know?”

Jimin wiggles his eyebrows at you

“Ooooh hit it off huh?”

Your face immediately flushes pink

“No no no not like hit it off in a romantic sense!! Like platonically!! Buddies! Pals! I mean I do think he’s cute but it’s just friendly conversation, we’re amigos even!”

“So you think he’s cute?”

“Yes but that’s not the point I’m trying to make right now!”

Jimin giggles at your panicked response

“It’s okay calm down I’m not trying to give you a heart attack.” He says through his laughter

Phew okay he doesn’t think it’s weird

“I’ll put in a good word with your so called ‘amigo’ about you.”

He shoots you a wink and you give him a shy smile along with a quiet “Thank you”

You passed the time by eating your ice cream and scrolling through your phone

Something about Yoongi gave you butterflies in you stomach that you were currently trying to control

You continued to scroll on your phone trying to find interesting articles to pass the time

Oooh top ten smartest animals!

You quickly became engrossed with the article that ranged from poodles to dolphins, cooing at the cute pictures of animals

Meanwhile, Yoongi enters the parlor from the back entrance and changes into his apron

Tying it around his neck, he peeked through the little window on the break room door

Damn it looked busier than normal, his arms are gonna be so tired

He pouted a little, scanning the tables when his eyes landed on the counter

Holy shit

It was you!!!

You were sitting at the counter in all your glory!!

You’re wearing your hair different than last time, it’s cute uwu

Okay Yoongi collect yourself, you need a plan to approach her calmly

Just go up to her and start talking like you did last time, the conversation flowed so naturally it can’t be that hard

Taking a deep breathe, he burst through the door

…a little too enthusiastically causing you to glance up from your phone

Oh shit abort mission

You had the brightest most gorgeous eyes, so full of hope and wonder

Damn it now he’s just staring at you, speak Yoongi speak

“Hi.”

You blinked at him owlishly

“Hello.”

“It’s you.”

“…it is me.” You blinked again.

He gulped a little

You made him so nervous!!

“…h-hi.”

You tried to suppress a small grin forming on your face as you watched him fumble for his words

Okay so you aren’t the only nervous one here

“I thought we had already gotten through our greetings?”

He smiled a little at your sarcastic comment

“That we did, you are correct.”

You smiled at him fully, and reached a hand out to him

“I never introduced myself, I’m y/n.”

He stared at your hand a bit before taking it in his own and giving it a little shake.

“I’m Yoongi.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

You pulled your hand away, which made him a little :(((, and pointed at his name tag

Duh

He fidgeted a little before asking, “Can I get you anything?”

You looked down at your ice cream, “Jimin helped me already.”

Oh yeah he wasn’t the only one working

“But I would enjoy some company if you have the chance?”

Apparently you were feeling extra bold today

He glanced back at Jimin at the register and found him staring back at him

He winked and nodded his head, he could handle the shop alone for a bit

And if Yoongi had a possibility to get a girlfriend he would gladly run the shop alone whenever asked

Maybe Yoongi getting laid once in a while would make him less grumpy, Jimin chuckled to himself

Your conversation flowed, hopping from topic to topic with easy laughter mixed in

You showed him the article on the world’s smartest animals and showed him the video attached to it

It was Koko the gorilla you couldn’t NOT show him!

Yoongi spent most of his time watching your reactions to the video instead of watching it himself whoops

You talked for what felt like hours when in reality it was only 30 minutes

“Yoongi I hate to break it to you but it’s time for my lunch break so I need you to sling ice cream for a bit.”

Yoongi looked at you with a little disappointment

You were having such a good conversation:((( he didn’t want to go back to slinging ice cream :(((

“Don’t worry I’ll still be here when your done.”

He smiled at that, perfectly content to do his job if you were waiting for him

You watched him as he works, smiling at the way he would talk to little kids when they came in with their parents

He was so sweet to them, giving his little gummy smile and asking what they wanted

Your phone buzzes from your pocket

A text message from your best friend

Girls night starting in 10, you coming?

Damn you completely forgot about girls night

Yup! I’ll be there in five!

You catch Yoongi’s eye, frowning at him and telling him you have to leave, “Girls night awaits, can’t miss it.”

Yoongi nods, a tiny frown threatening to break out on his face

“I’ll be back, when do you work next.”

He looked back up at you, “tomorrow, 12:30-3:00.”

You smiled widely, “I’ll be there, see you tomorrow.”

You kept your promise, showing up to Scoopies only a little hungover from girls night

And you continued to show up to Scoopies a few days out of the week

You restricted yourself to only three cause you did have other things to do and you’ve been wasting a lot of money on ice cream

Eventually you learned the cycle of workers and who worked what shifts

There was Jimin, who mainly worked the afternoon shifts with Yoongi

Jungkook, who worked mornings before Yoongi and Jimin got there, sometimes sticking around for an afternoon shift if they were really busy

And Namjoon and Hoseok, who took the night shift + closing

You really enjoyed your visits to Scoopies, everyone was kind and charming and it was cold in there giving you an escape from summer heat

But you were upset

Your relationship with Yoongi wasn’t progressing outside of your little chats inside the parlor

You wanted more, to see him outside of his job

and also be outside the parlor so the temptation of buying ice cream almost every day wouldn’t be a problem

It was currently 2:15 and you were working up the nerve to ask Yoongi out

You even gave yourself a little pep talk on the way here to hype yourself up

It’s spooky, rejection is scary

Okay you just gotta do it, balls to the wall, all out boi

You cleared your throat

“Hey Yoongi, what time do you get off?”

He replied to you while he scooped ice cream, “Like in an hour, why?”

“Wanna walk me home when you’re done?”

Yoongi froze for a sec

You wanted him to walk you home??? Like just the two of you??? And you were willing to wait??

He furrowed his eyebrows, “an hours a pretty long time, are you sure you want to wait?”

“Of course! I brought some books to keep me entertained while I wait. And it’s much cooler here than it is at my apartment.”

“You brought books? Were you planning on waiting for me today?”

You flushed bright red

He caught you red handed >:(

“Nonononono nothing like that I just bring them everywhere. You see I get really bored really easily so I bring them to keep my attention on something ya know it just a habit now like I put them in my bag when I go anywhere cause ya know I don’t want to annoy people around me when I get kind of bored cause like-“

Yoongi smirked as he listened to you ramble on

“Y/n, that was a joke. Don’t freak out on me.”

You open and close your mouth a few times

You probably looked like a fish

“Oh a joke. Ha ha okay that makes sense.”

You scratch your head nervously and grab a book, opening to a random page so you could focus on something that wasn’t Yoongis teasing stare

Your nervous glancing around the page quickly morphed into fixated reading as you became more invested in the story line

You always felt that reading was a very good way to pass time, getting lost in a world that wasn’t yours

You changed positions on your stool multiple times while reading: sitting cross legged, kneeling, crossing your legs, resting your head on the counter, it was a habit

Yoongi noticed every time you shifted, smiling to himself

When you read you were still energetic and responsive

An hour passed by and Yoongi went into the back room to change

As he climbed the mountain, he heard the shrieks and groans of the creatures in the forest. He wasn’t alone out there, there were millions of-

A tap on your shoulder startles you

“Oops sorry, should’ve given you a warning. Ready to go?”

You pack your books and hop of the stool with a “yup!”

The two of you exit the parlor

You walk a block in silence

This is weird, neither of you are talking

“What are“ “What do you-“ both of you say at the same time.

You laugh a little, “you go first.”

He clears his throat, “What are some of your hobbies? Besides reading obviously.”

“Well, I like writing, um painting is pretty fun too! I like to go to the beach and people watch sometimes.”

He chuckles, “why people watching?”

“It’s really interesting, when I people watch I realize ‘woah I’m not the only person in the world who has a life and good friends and aspirations and stuff’. It’s out of body and humbling. Oh it’s also really funny to watch people who buy soft pretzels get attacked by seagulls.”

Wow

You were philosophical AND cute

A total dreamboat if you ask Yoongi

“Yeah, I get what you mean. I do that at work sometimes.”

“So what do you do when you’re not scooping ice cream?”

Yoongi stuck his hands in his pockets and looked down, “oh I sometimes compose music. I really like playing the piano too.”

Your expression brightens, “You have to let me listen sometime! I mean, only if your comfortable sharing of course, I don’t wanna make you do anything you don’t want to.”

He glances at you threw his bangs, “I think that’s a pretty good idea, I’ve already had my friends listen to it a bunch so I need some new ears to test it on.”

In no time, you arrive at your apartment complex

“Can I-“ “Is it okay-“

You roll your eyes playfully, “we have got to stop doing that it’s so cheesy

Yoongi nods and smiles “I totally agree. I went first last time so it’s your turn now.”

Okay now here’s the true test of your bravery

You’ve been preparing yourself to do this almost everyday and here’s your shot

“Can I get your number, maybe?”

There it is, your shooting your shot once more

“Oh yeah, yeah for sure. Here, gimme your phone.”

You hand him your phone and he diligently types in the numbers

“I’ll see you soon y/n.”

SWOON YOU GOT YOONGI’S NUMBER

You shoot him a text as soon as you step inside your apartment, Hey this is y/n!

Oof was the exclamation point to much?

You place your phone on the kitchen counter, too nervous to hold onto it and wait for a reply

The fridge looks very tempting and you tummy rumbles for real food

You only had breakfast and ice cream today oops

Bending over, you glance at the assortment of food

Strawberries, peppers, leftover pizza, grilled chicken-

Buzz buzz

You launch yourself into a standing position

You also subsequently hit your head on the freezer section above your fridge

Ouchy that one stings

Grabbing your phone you check the notification

Hey it’s Yoongi ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ

Did you get a concussion from banging your head too hard? Cause Min Yoongi does not seem like the type of guy to send emotions

Little did you know Yoongi was pacing his room wondering if the emoticon was a bad choice to send with his first text

You smile and type your reply

Hi there (〃￣ω￣〃)

To say the least, you two texted each other almost everyday, sometimes talking absolute nonsense that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else

Do you think dogs in different countries have different accents when they bark?

Y/n, go to sleep it’s 2:00 a.m

It’s a serious question （；へ：）

Or it was deep philosophical questions that neither of you really had the answer to

Is it worth understanding everything about our universe and planet if we don’t know why we were put on earth in the first place?

Holy shit y/n I don’t know, please go back to talking about dogs before I have an existential crisis

You also continued your walks home together, it was nice cause Yoongi only lived a few blocks away from you

The two of you discovered different layers of the other’s personality

Yoongi was goofy, like goofier than you expected

You’ve caught him dancing by himself in the parlors kitchen multiple and even when he sees you he doesn’t shy away, trying to drag you to dance with him

He was also a very sleepy boi, staying up too late to finish a song or practice piano :(((

And you’re always like get rest you goofball take care of yourself, but you secretly enjoy the little pout that takes over his face and half closed eyes when he’s close to drifting off during breaks

You also adoringly dubbed his break time as ‘nap time for the baby’

Yoongi already knew you were energetic but he didn’t know just how far your energy went

On the very rare night that Jimin and Yoongi would be stuck with closing, you’d stay around and help clean up

Loud music blasted in the parlor, thanks to your phone hooked up to the speakers and you were bouncing around the shop, cleaning fast with a big smile on your face

He thinks that’s the fastest Scoopies has ever been closed

And you were a deep thinker! Yoongi liked to listen to how you interpret different things and how you problem solved

Speaking of problems

It was Friday and you hadn’t been able to visit Scoopies

Today was cleaning day and you had scrubbed your entire apartment top to bottom until it shined

Yoongi said the parlor was too busy anyway, you wouldn’t have had time to sit down and talk

Plus he went to a movie with Jimin and Jungkook after his shift so he couldn’t have walked you home either

You were currently in your pajamas (even though it was only like,,,6:45) and dancing around your kitchen while cooking up some dinner

Your music cut out slightly as your phone buzzed

Yoongi!

Hey, what are your plans for tomorrow?

Besides showering, literally nothing

Wanna grab lunch and hang out at mine? Or something?

BROOOO

WAS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

Your fingers fidget to text a reply and your heart is pounding in your ears

The sound of you thumbs tapping on the screen seem louder than usual

Yeah I would love to!

Yoongi gasps as he reads your response

Wow

He didn’t think this would actually work

Woah you actually said yes, this is incredible

His smile grows as he texts you back

Cool! How does 12:30 sound? ୧⍢⃝୨

Sounds perfect Yoongs ۹(˒௰˓)۶

You turned your music up louder and danced harder around your kitchen

You ate quickly and watched a little tv, checking the time every now and then

Gotta get to bed early tonight so you actually wake up at a reasonable time to get ready tomorrow, oversleeping is a horrible habit

It was a little difficult trying to sleep since you were practically vibrating with excitement but eventually drift off into dreamland

You wake up to your alarm going off and instinctively hit snooze

Close your eyes for three more minutes

….

They shoot back open and you practically bounce out of bed

It’s showtime baby!!!

Your music is bumping as you slide into the shower, singing and dancing while getting clean

Scrub a dub dub bitch

Styling you hair, you find yourself putting a little more effort in that usual

That goes for your makeup too

It feels like one of those montages from a 90s movie of a girl getting ready to go on a date with her dream guy

Except it was really happening to you!!!

You skip to your closet to pick out an outfit

That’s when you nerves decide to hit you right then and there

Was this a date?

Was there like a certain dress code for where you were going?

Were any of your good shirts clean?

IS THIS A DATE?

You throw around multiple outfits, a cute top with jeans, a cute top with jean shorts, a romper, a dress

Was the dress too much?

The intercom buzzes and you rush to answer

TOO LATE TO CHANGE YOUR OUTFIT NOW YOU GOTTA GO

The elevator ride down seemed excruciatingly long for some reason and you basically bolt out of it when you reach the main floor

Yoongi is waiting outside the glass doors, scrolling through his phone

Woah

Where did your sweet little ice cream boy go?

He was in ripped jeans and a black tee, he had a few rings on his fingers, his hair wasn’t as tousled, it looked well styled and-

Are those earrings?

This is love, you’re in love

He spots you through the door and waves and you realize you’ve been standing there like an idiot for too long

“Hey you.”

Wow, your mind, such a great greeting

“Hi, cute dress.”

Nailed it on the outfit, mental high five for that

You guys walk to a small cafe a few blocks away

Lunch goes swimmingly and your meal is super yummy

Your feet keep bumping Yoongis under the table but he doesn’t seem to mind so you keep letting them brush up against his every once in a while

“So since when have you had your ears pierced?”

He rubs the back of his neck, “I got them when I was 16, but I’m not allowed to wear any earrings at work due to dress code policy. Why, do you not like them?”

“No I like them a lot actually, they make you look pretty handsome.”

Oh dang you got him blushing big time now

Yoongi kicks you foot a little underneath the table in retaliation for making him flustered

You giggle and kick him back

This starts an all out kick war between the two of you, both trying to make the other surrender

Too bad you were wearing open toed shoes

“Ow ow ow okay I give in you win, you win Yoongi.”

He folds his arms with a smug look on his face while you pout

“You’re mean Yoongi, you hurt me.”

“You started it.”

“What? I gave you a compliment and you hit me! I want an apology.” :(

Your cheeks are all puffed out and you leaning against your hands and you’re so FREAKING CUTE HE HAS TO APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY

Literally the embodiment of (๑•́ ₃ •̀๑), he had to apologize

Grabbing your hands away from your face, he takes them in his and gives them a squeeze

“I’m sorry I hurt your precious little feet, will you ever forgive me?”

He presses your hands to his own cheeks

SKREEEEE

Your honestly frozen and don’t know how to react

HES USUALLY NOT THIS CUTE WHAT DO YOU DO

Clearing your throat a little you try and put together a sentence that would make some sort of sense

“I guess I can find it in my gracious heart to forgive this one time.”

Wow that was more put together than usual

He gave a little smile before patting your hands and telling you it’s time to go

GO TO HIS HUMBLE ABODE (∩╹□╹∩)

You were extremely excited to see what his house was like

Being in people’s homes reveals like thousands of more layers of themself and you were so happy that Yoongi trusted you enough to show you (｡･･｡)

Yoongi unlocks his door and ushers you inside

The main room is beautiful

Large windows with white curtains, black sofa and armchair, a tv and the jewel herself

A beautiful black piano in the corner of the room

The whole aesthetic was very minimalist but very Yoongi

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“…do you have any juice?”

Once you get your glass of apple juice and Yoongi has his (boring) water, you two sit on the couch and just talk

It’s not often that you find someone that can speak to you so easily

It’s a nice kind of feeling not gonna lie

Your eyes keep wandering back to the piano

“Can you play me something?”

He followed your eyes to the piano

“Oh uh yeah sure, sure I can.”

Why is he so nervous he’s been playing the piano since he was a little kid

This isn’t any different

He scooched over so you could sit next to him on the bench

While Yoongi played you were mesmerized

His fingers drifted across the keys gently and played radiant luxurious melodies

You closed your eyes as you listened, the song making a world bloom in your mind

It was absolutely one of the most beautiful things you’ve heard

His arms would brush up against yours and your stomach when he had to reach a key on the higher register

It gave you goosebumps and butterflies if you’re being honest

When the song finished, the room reverberated the last chord until it was silent again

“Wow.”

You couldn’t put your feelings into words, it was incredible how the song moved you

Eyes peeling back open, you moved to look at Yoongi

Woah

He was a lot closer than you remember

Your noses were almost touching and you could feel his breath on your cheeks

He glanced from you eyes to your lips in a silent ask for permission

You did the same

You were about to kiss Min Yoongi

YOU WERE ABOUT TO KISS MIN YOONGI

Ring ring! Ring ring! RING RING!

Your phone is incredibly loud in the quiet room

Looking down at said phone in your hand, the caller idea flashes up at you angrily

Mom!

Shoot you really should take this, your mom barely calls so when she does she gets very upset when you don’t answer

You move out of the intimate position, mumbling “sorry it’s my mom I gotta answer”

“Oh yeah, um you can step outside if you want.”

“Thanks.”

Dang it dang it dang it dang it

You were so freaking close to getting a smooch

Apparently your mom wanted to come over to your apartment and have dinner

Meanwhile Yoongi has not left the piano bench since you got up

Your face was so close to his only moments ago and it replays in his head over and over

He tried to memorize every little feature of your face before he kissed you

More like tried to kiss you

“Yoongi?” Your head pops in the door

“Yeah what’s up?”

You walk toward the bench and sit back down next to him

“My moms coming over for dinner so I have to go back home and get prepped.”

His shoulders drop and he caves in on himself a bit

“Oh okay, can I walk you home?”

“Actually I was wondering if you wanted to help me? If that’s okay?”

It is WAY more than okay with Yoongi

The air between you is a little thick with tension on the way to yours

Thicc

Thiqué

But the mood lightens when you ask Yoongi about his cooking skills

“I’m going to be completely honest with you, it’s definitely not my forte.”

“Alright I’m putting you on mincing and DJ duty, please be careful with the knife.”

The elevator ride was filled with laughter and snorts (Yoongi did it a few times but he swears it was you)

You decide to make black beans with peppers and rice

Yoongi does a really good job as DJ

As the water boils for the beans and rice, you two are running around your kitchen and dancing and singing with each other

A dramatic rendition of Endless Love by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross happens, naturally

Half way through your duet, there’s a knock on the door

Shoooot, moms here and Yoongi is too

That means she’s going to want to meet him and ask him for his entire life story right then and there

The door swings open and there she is in all her glory

“My cutie!!!”

You greet her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek

“Hi mama, how are you?”

“Oh I’m just gr-“

She already spotted Yoongi standing behind you, his hands tucked in his pockets and shifting his weight nervously

“Y/n! You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend!”

“WHAT? Oh no no mom this is Yoongi, my friend from the ice cream shop remember!”

She looked him up and down

Yoongi literally shrunk under her stare

For someone smaller than him, she was wildly intimidating

Also finally, there was someone smaller than him

Lol got ‘em again

She gave him one more once over before leaning over to you and saying

“You right he is a cutie pie, even cuter in person I think!”

“OKAY MOM SO GLAD YOU MET YOONGI I’M GONNA TAKE HIM DOWNSTAIRS AND SHOW HIM OUT!”

Yoongi’s laughter bounced off the walls as you all but pushed him out the door

“It was great meeting you Mrs. y/l/n! Hope to see you soon!”

“KEEP IT MOVING YOONGS.”

The elevator ride was silent

You kept staring at your shoes, moving you feet

Putting the right one forward and pulling it back

Moving the left one forward and then pulling it back

In a cycle

A black boot nudged your right foot before you had the chance to pull it back again

“You okay?”

You looked up at Yoongi, his eyebrows drawn in with genuine concern

Daw, he’s worried :(

A small smile finds its way into your face

“Yeah I am. Sorry about my mom back there, she’s pretty forward when it comes to…well everything.”

He laughed, “Yeah, I kinda picked up on that. But it’s okay, I liked her a lot.”

You snorted, “Of course you liked her, she complimented you and completely embarrassed me. That’s like two of your favorite things.”

“you know you’re not wrong about that.” And he nudges your shoulder with his

The contact sent a little shock of electricity through you but you’ll never admit it

Over your dead body >:(

You stick your tongue out at him and cross your arms

“I don’t deserve to be bullied by you and my own mother.”

The elevator was wrapped in comfortable silence for a while until Yoongi decided to break it with the most idiotic question

“Soooo, I’m cuter in person?”

Ding! The elevator reaches the main doors and you shove yoongi out of them

“Get out of here you dork!”

“What no goodbye hug?”

You step out after him

It’s time to be bold again y/n

Grabbing him by the shoulders, you plant a phat kiss on his cheek

Like not like a quick little peck, a pretty sizable kiss

Your pretty sure you can see a lip print on his cheek from what was left of your lipstick and gloss when you pull away

“Bye Yoongi.”

You walk into the elevator and the doors close behind you

And yoongi is just left there with this dopey look on his face as he places his hand over his cheek

His face feels warm and he’s certain he is flushed bright red but can’t find it in himself to care

You kissed him!!

Well, not exactly KISSED him kissed him but your lips made contact with his skin

He stumbles out the door and all the way with a grin plastered on his face

All the while in the elevator, your pumping your fists up and down and celebrating your success

You kissed him and left him a big flustered mess without becoming one yourself until you got in the elevator

You left him shook

And duh, you told your mom what happened during dinner and she gave you a high five

“So when’s the wedding?”

You choke on your food, “MOM.”

“What? It’s just a simple question!”

When Monday rolled around, you found yourself very nervous as you took your usual route to Scoopies

You and Yoongi haven’t texted each other a bunch since you decided to send him home with a kiss on the cheek

Thinking about it makes you blush and your hands fidget in your shorts pockets with nervous energy

You didn’t really know what you and Yoongi were???

You were obviously interested in him duh, and he seemed kinda interested in you too but you didn’t know if either of you had the balls to do anything about it

It was this weird kind of like being stuck in limbo

Oh yeah limbo reminds you that you should invite Yoongs over to watch Inception some time

Honestly an incredible movie

With Yoongi and a possible movie date on the brain, you walk into Scoopies

Jimin greets you at the register with a blinding smile and you give one back

“Cookie dough or strawberry today?”

“Hmm good question. Let’s go with strawberry.”

He scoops your ice cream while you look around the shop for a certain boy

That’s weird??? Why is Jimin working alone?? Usually Yoongi and even sometimes Jungkook is with him

You reach for your wallet when Jimin stops you

“This one is on the house, and don’t try to change my mind.”

Narrowing your eyes at him, you question “what’s the occasion?”

“Just trying to make you as happy as you made ‘Yoongs’ this weekend.”

You blink a few times before smiling and grabbing your ice cream

“Thanks Jimin.”

The seat at the counter was now your acclaimed spot and you took a load off there

More customers came and went but there was still no sign of Yoongi

You didn’t want to bother Jimin while he was working so you decided to just wait and see if he shows up

“Look, I know you’ve been wanting to ask me where he is for like, the past 30 minutes. Yoongi’s in the kitchen with Jungkook, feel free to go back there.” He nods over his shoulder at the break room door

You immediately perk up, “You’re the best Jimin, I’ll be right back.”

You walk through the door and were about to go into the kitchen when you heard Yoongi’s voice

“I just don’t know what to do about y/n man.”

Uh oh, what

You peek through the little window and see Yoongi sitting on one of the counters while talking to Jungkook who’s leaning against the freezer door

Aww how cute Yoongi’s feet barely touch the ground

Wait not what you should be focusing on right now

“I’m just so confused, I took her to lunch on Saturday and I thought it was going well but when we got back to my house, I tried to kiss her but she left the room to take a call right before I could.”

He pouted

You also pouted

Did Yoongi take that as a sign of rejection??

You honestly really needed to answer your phone but you understand how that could look bad to someone who was trying to smooch you

“But didn’t she also kiss you on the cheek when you left? That’s a good sign, right?”

“But does that mean she’s not comfortable with actually kissing me? Would she want to kiss me?”

Jungkook leaned against the freezer in thought

He looked toward the door

And locked eyes with you

You froze completely, you were just caught spying

A plan hatched in Jungkook’s brain

“Why don’t you ask her now?”

“What?” Jungkook nodded toward the door

Yoongi’s eyes also locked with yours and you try to lamely duck down like he didn’t just catch you

Jungkooks work here is done

He walks out the kitchen door, kicking you a little and urging you to walk in and talk to Yoongles

You stand up and try to gather yourself

Well as much as you could right now

Taking a deep breath, you pushed the door open

Yoongi hadn’t moved an inch from his position on the counter

…

…….

Neither of you talked for the first minute

“I’m so-“ “Did I-“

Oh how old habits die hard

You cough a little then say, “I went first last time so it’s your turn.”

He smiled a little at that and breathed in deep before beginning

“Did I-did I freak you out when I tried to kiss you? Cause that really wasn’t my intent, I just thought I was reading the situation right and that you were as into it as I was and when you didn’t text me over the weekend it kind of freaked me out. I thought that I had somehow messed it up. To be honest with you, this is the first time I’ve liked a girl like this in a pretty long time so I just don’t-“

His sentence is cut off by the feeling of your hands grabbing him by the back of the neck and pulling his lips onto yours

Oh this is nice

You slotted yourself in between his legs and slide your hand over to place it on his cheek

But Yoongi isn’t really responding

in his shock he just kind of sits there unmoving

It isn’t until you start to pull away that he realizes that oh he can’t just sit there and be kissed, he has to kiss back

His hands cup your jaw as he leans down more, deepening the kiss

This is nice

This is really nice

The nicest kiss he’s had in a long time

Yoongi thinks he could kiss you for hours if you’d let him

God he’s already addicted and it’s only your guys first kiss

You tasted like strawberries and he could smell your sweet perfume

His fingers thread through your hair at the back of your neck and you almost moan from the feeling

Your hands run down his chest and fall to his thighs, running them up and down

Okay this is getting a little too spicy for a work environment

You pull away tentatively, eyes still closed as you catch your breath

“Does that answer your question?”

Yoongi takes a good look at you

out of breath with shiny red lips and half open eyes

Your pretty little eyes

“Yes it does, besides the texting thing, why didn’t you text me?”

“Hey I made the last move on our date, that was on you to follow up.”

He laughed, “you’re right you’re right” and leaned his forehead against yours

You two catch your breath for a bit, just drinking in the others appearance

“So what does this mean for us?” Yoongi asks

“I was hoping it would mean that you’d be my boyfriend.”

Yoongi hums in fake contemplation before answering

“I think I like the sound of that, of course only if you’d be okay with being my girlfriend?”

“I guarantee, I am way more than okay with that.”

A bang on the door scares the hell out of you

“Hey lovebirds, I’m glad you two finally got together but the summer school rush is about to come in and we need all hands on deck, so wrap it up!”

Jimin gives you a thumbs up through the window as he walks away

Yoongi hops off the counter, “Sorry babe, duty calls.”

“Ooooh we’re already using pet names and haven’t even been dating for five minutes.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “I hate you sometimes.”

You gasp and follow him out of the kitchen

“How dare you say that to your ‘babe’. I am deeply wounded.”

“Oh my god y/n.”

“You know, I was always more of a ‘sweetheart’ or a ‘baby’ type of girl.”

“I already regret agreeing to be your boyfriend.”

“I’m even okay with the occasional ‘honey’ here and there.”

Yoongi stops causing you to collide with his back

Ouch that kinda hurt your nose

You glare at Yoongi as he turns back around and you’re about to yell at him when he places the softest little kith on your lips

“We can continue this conversation when I’m finished with work…honey.”

Oh yeah you liked that one a lot

Unsurprisingly, not much changes in the dynamic of your relationship with Yoongi

Besides the added bonus that you get to kiss him any time you really feel like it

But he’s still an annoying (yet sometimes really shy even though he denies it) dork

And you’re still the energetic, book loving, attention grabbing girl he met way way back

Speaking of books

Yoongi isn’t a very jealous person

He trusts you

He is very comfortable with your relationship dynamics

He doesn’t mind when you give your attention to the other people cause you are a human being

So when he finds himself pouting while sitting on your couch while you read, he’s a little upset

You’ve been reading for HOURS now and haven’t been talking with him

And, call him selfish, he wants some attention and some kisses okay?

He baby

“Y/n.”

A few seconds pass by before you answer with an uninterested “hm?”

“…pay attention to me.”

“Hm?”

He groaned, “Pay attention to me, I need some affection and I’ve been deprived of it for hours.”

You glance toward him and see a prominent pout on Yoongi’s face and oh no

He’s using his puppy dog eyes

Literally no human alive can resist those

It’s scientifically impossible

But you just got to a really good part in your book and don’t want to stop just yet

You extend a hand toward him

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Um,,,hold it??? You big dummy???”

He takes a hold of your hand

And subsequently YANKS you toward him with NO warning what so ever

No joke, he’s a lot stronger than you thought but that also kind of hurt

He adjusts you so your back is leaning against his chest and he has his arms wrapped around your shoulder and you kind of flush pink cause even though he was a little AGGRESSIVE getting you into this position

It’s really cute and romantic

“Can I get one kiss before you go back to reading?”

You give him a little smooch and then turn back to your book

He occasionally plants a kiss on the top of your head and plays with your hair

And even though it’s a little distracting (because who wouldn’t be distracted by the most beautiful man in the world giving you love) and you have to reread the same paragraph like seven times,

You love the domestic feeling the entire situation gives you

It makes your chest warm and paints the biggest smile on your face

He pushes your hair to the side and places a kiss behind your ear

OKAY THAT’S IT

YOU IMMEDIATELY NEED TO KISS YOUR LOVELY BOYFRIEND

You practically throw the book onto the opposite side of the couch and climb onto Yoongi’s lap

And he’s like ‘woah woah what is happening, I mean I’m not mad about it but what is happening.’

And your domestic reading session turns into a makeout session real fast

After like,,,15 minutes you neck is littered with marks and you probably have little bruises on your hips from how tiGHT yoongi was gripping on

You pull away to catch your breath and just admire Yoongi

“Hi there.”

“Hi.” He smiles he’s CUTE ASS gummy smile

And you press your forehead against his and just twirl his hair in you fingers and it’s just a blissful moment

“Soooo, do you wanna keep making out?”

God he’s an idiot

But you go back to making out anyway

You end up riding him on the couch and I oop-

You thought he couldn’t get any pretty but you were so wrong

He looks ethereal falling apart underneath you and small moans fall from his swollen lips and it’s just perfect

“Fuck, I love you.”

Oh shit maybe you shouldn’t have said that

You stop all movement

“You love me?”

Oh god

He sounds so vulnerable and quivering

Partly because he was just about to bust the fattest nut lol

But also you loved him back

“I mean yeah,,,I love you.”

“I love you too.”

By the time you’re finished you swear you could pass out

Yoongi really had his way with you lol

On the occasional visit that you make to Yoongi’s house, you beg him to play the piano for you

Usually he’s persuaded by a few smooches and plays

You sit on the armchair close to the piano and watch

He always gets so into it, you can tell that music means a lot to him

When you know a song he’s playing you hum along to yourself, making sure he can’t hear

That doesn’t last for long

Yoongi is in the middle of playing when he notices

Are you??

Are you singing along??

His hands stop moving and he turns to look at you

“Are you singing the song I’m playing?”

“Psssh whaaat? No, who would do that? I think you’re hearing things.”

“No I definitely heard you.”

“Maybe you should schedule a doctors appointment, there might be something wrong with your ears.”

He sighs

Fine

Two can play at that game

“I’m not playing until you come over here and sing to me.”

Damn it

Damn it you didn’t want to sing but you really wanted him to play

“Promise you won’t make fun of me?”

His eyes soften as he hears your meek little reply

“Of course not.”

You end up caving and standing next to the piano and singing

And Yoongi looks at you like you had created the universe, full of love

Daw you’re blushing

You’re not the only one in the relationship that appreciates the others talent

“Yoongi I already told you a thousand times, I mostly paint landscapes and not people. If I tried it would probably come out all wonky.”

“Pleaassee, can you just try? I promise I’ll love it even if it’s ugly.”

“HEY.”

“Which it won’t be!!” He pulls his chair so he’s sitting across from you

“Have at it Picasso, draw me like one of your French girls.”

You snort, “that was disgusting.”

You grab a mini canvas and some paint

Here goes nothing

You can’t deny it, you liked staring at yoongi for an hour while you drew and painted

He was quite the looker

Damn you got lucky

And Yoongi liked watching you while you painted

Your brows furrow and your lips purse, you were so concentrated

Ugh the cutest

After an hour you place you brushes down

“Okay, it’s done.”

You slowly hand the painting over to him

It’s nerve wracking

You know he’ll say he loves it but will he actually???

A slightly cartoonish but beautiful version of himself stares up at him

It was amazing

Truly it was

“I love it.”

And you could tell he was being sincere about it

Of course you still visited Scoopies, honestly more often than you used to

You still sat at the same stool and kept casual conversation with Yoongi while he worked

But the break room

That’s where shit went down

It was kind of like your designated makeout spot

Since only two or three people worked at a time, no one’s breaks lined up so you had the room alone >:)))

Oh the sexual escapades that room has seen

You were currently sat on the table while Yoongi stood between your legs

And his hands were slowly creeping in closer on your thighs

Oh ho hooo boi

It was getting hot in here

Your hands roam his chest and find their way back into his hair

Giving it a little tug, Yoongi lets out a moan into your mouth

His hands run up your back and start to unclasp your bra

“You guys are literally feral oh my god try and keep it in your pants.”

You don’t see Jimin’s face but you see his hair bob into the kitchen and toward the freezer

Whoops

You start giggling and that sets Yoongi off too

You’re eventually crying with laughter and leaning into Yoongi’s neck trying to calm down

Sometimes you think about the future

And it’s a terrifying thing

Summer can’t last forever you know that

Eventually you’ll have to go back to classes at uni

Even though your universities are only 20 minutes away, you afraid about how much time school will take up

With tests

And finals

And projects

And presentations and finding actual stable jobs for both of you

Yoongi grabs your hand without even looking away from the movie your watching

He chose Ratatouille

A man with taste

It’s like he read your mind

He could practically feel the anxiety radiating off your body and he understood

He pulls you in, tucking you underneath his arm and pressing a delicate kiss to your cheek

“Hey.” You glance up at him and respond, “Hi.”

“Did you know I love you?”

Your heart stutters every time you hear him say those simple words

“Yes I do. Did you know I love you back?”

He kisses your temple and whispers in your ear, “I do. Always remember that I love you okay?”

Scoopies feels like a second home now as you walk through the familiar double doors

You wave at Jimin and he gives you a smile and a nod as he finishes cleaning the display

You plop down on your stool

Two scoops of strawberry ice cream slide in front of you

Yoongi smiles at you, “It cost two kisses, three of your feeling generous and want to tip.”

And you were definitely feeling generous

Yoongi has to walk to the bathroom and wipe off the lipstick marks that covered his cheeks and neck

Oops ヽ(ヅ)ノ

160 notes · View notes

radioleary-blog · 5 years

Text

Hef Tragedy Jam

Hugh Hefner died yesterday. When the news was announced, over fifty women said they were dismayed. No, wait...over fifty women said they were “Miss May”. Fifty more were Miss June, and, well, you get the picture. If you were lucky you got their pictures.

Few of you reading this are old enough to remember that Playboy magazine was about the only place you could see a naked woman, and I say that because there are probably few of you reading this, period. But hey, my column gets more readers than the average suicide note, statistically speaking. Although I’m trying to increase my readership, and the average suicide note is more of a stand-alone project. I bet if George Lucas ever wrote a suicide note, he’d follow it up with three prequel notes. Each successively worse than the last. People would be like, “Why did he have to ruin that original suicide note, which I loved, with those awful prequel-suicide notes? I don’t care why he got depressed, but clearly only a manic depressive could make such a desperate cry for help as introducing Jar-Jar Binks. If I ruined a billion dollar franchise by coming up with an offensive racist caricature like Jar-Jar Binks, I’d probably consider putting a lightsaber in my mouth too.”

I grew up with Playboy magazine, and my early knowledge of female physiology was less from a volume of Grey’s anatomy or sketches by DaVinci, and more from volumes of Playboy magazine. It was like a reference guide, one that you would hold up with one hand. In fact, the first time I had a girlfriend who got naked, I wondered where her staples were. Of course, today, I’m the one who should have his stomach stapled, but that’s another story. Ah, sweet irony!

I’m sure Hugh Hefner went to Heaven, but whatever gleaming Mansion in the sky awaits us, no matter how glorious, for Hugh Hefner it’s going to be a pretty big step down from the Playboy Mansion. It may actually be Seventh Heaven, but Hef has been living on Cloud Nine since 1956. But, hey, he’s already wearing a robe. You know when you see depictions of Heaven, everybody is always wearing white robes? That’s because they were wearing those white robes in the hospital when they died. And they make you wear those awful robes that don’t close in the back because that’s where your wings will come out when you get to Heaven. It’s all part of God’s plan. I bet you’ll still have that plastic wristband on too, St. Peter just scans it at the gate to let you in. <beep> “Cardiac arrest. You’re good. Check in at the registration desk. Have a valid photo ID ready.”

Hugh Hefner was such a consummate pussyhound, I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a deathbed conversion to radical Islam, just to get the 72 virgins in Heaven. God would be like - I mean “Allah” would be like, “Pretty tricky Hef, pretty tricky. But...technically it counts. You old horndog!” Of course, you know what Hugh Hefner calls 72 virgins? A slow Tuesday.

The Playboy Mansion was famous for its out-of-control parties, and the mansion had a natural cave-like grotto on the grounds where everyone would go to snort coke and have sex. I guess Hef was a lot like Bruce Wayne, a millionaire with a mansion and a cave. And didn’t they call Bruce Wayne a millionaire playboy? Hef was a Playboy millionaire. But the difference is, Hef would rather do coke and fuck super-models whereas Batman would rather do-good and fight super-villains. Plus, Batman slides down the Bat-pole, and crazy hot chicks slide down the Hef-pole. In other words, Hef was sane, and Batman was, well, not so much. Batman is basically a billionaire who just wants to hurt people and not get sued for it and pretend he’s a hero. Kind of like Trump.

The grotto cave on the grounds of the Playboy Mansion had a huge, heated Jacuzzi pool, where movie stars, rock and roll gods, and celebrity athletes were eagerly humped by groupies, star-fuckers, and aspiring playmates. Unprotected 1970’s sex was messier than Michael J. Fox eating an ice cream cone, so the pool was probably 60% water, 2% spilled cocaine, and 38% James Caan’s jizz. The lifeguard got syphilis just from giving mouth to mouth resuscitation. At least that was her story. But that was about the same time Grand Funk Railroad was in town, so who can say? I do think ‘grotto’ must be the Italian word for ‘gross’.

I hear some of the more politically correct crowd, or as they’re more commonly known, nitwits, complaining that Playboy exploited women. And I guess it was exploitation, in the same sense that Vogue magazine is exploiting the mostly-naked teenage anorexic girls slash super-models in their magazine. And I say slash because that’s what these girls often try to do to their wrists. Unlike Vogue magazine models, at least the Playboy women didn’t have eating disorders. They’re a lot less likely to stick their fingers down their throats. I’m not saying they’re any less likely to have something down their throats, but not their fingers.

Exploiting women. As if Hugh Hefner was hanging around the Newark bus station looking for a girl down on her luck and fresh off the turnip truck from Topeka. That sounds more like the plot of a 1930’s movie than the way his business empire was run. I think what Hef did was have his photography editors, both men and women, spend endless hours going through duffel bags of mail sent in by thousands of women from all around the country who wanted to pose for Playboy. The staff would narrow it down to probably a few dozen, and then get Hef’s opinion on who was not only the most beautiful, but who had the look that would be right to feature in the magazine. That’s exactly what the editors and publishers do at Elle, and Vogue, and every other magazine that holds up a particular brand of beauty as an ideal.

And I don’t know any women who haven’t worn out the related links on their favorite porn sites jilling off to whatever their particular porn flavor might be, so who exactly are these people that still have a problem with Playboy? Because without Hefner’s decades of battles against governmental and religious censorship, there would be no porn sites. Hef made it possible to look at porn sites without pretending you go there for the articles. Without Playboy, people would still be saying, “Did you read that insightful article on the humanitarian crisis in Darfur? And that recently-found short story by J.D, Salinger?” “Why, yes. I particularly liked the profile of Jazz trumpeters from the post-bop era. And I did notice some delightful porn as well, between the articles, of course.”

The reason Hef could get away with putting in naked chicks is his magazine is because Playboy was a serious, respected literary magazine. The greatest writers of the day were in Playboy:

Ray Bradbury wrote original content for Playboy, and serialized Fahrenheit 451, which was coincidentally the exact temperature of how hot the playmates were.

The Beat writer Jack Kerouac wrote for Playboy, and that cat was cool as hell. Beat, Jack, that is exactly what Playboy readers do.

Ian Fleming published short stories in Playboy, and the James Bond novel “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” was published first in Playboy. We all know James Bond got enormous amounts of pussy. But compared to what Hef was getting, James Bond looks like a bible salesman with erectile disfunction. Or a guy who works in a comic book store. Think about that for a minute; the world’s sexiest pussyhound spy still gets less women than the guy who published the magazine his story is in. And Bond is fictional!

Roald Dahl wrote for them, too. The author of “Willie Wonka” writing for people who wonka their willies, sounds apropo.

Kurt Vonnegut wrote for them all the time, and that dude was cooler than Ice Nine. There’s a reference for ya!

Joseph Heller published a lost chapter of “Catch-22” in Playboy. I think the title Catch-22 might be the number of social diseases you’d get if you had sex in the grotto.

Margaret Atwood, author of “The Handmaid’s Tale” started writing for Playboy in 1991. I would imagine one of her stories was called “The Handmaid’s Tail”.

Hunter S. Thompson. Gabriel García Márquez, John Updike, Joyce Carol Oates, Truman Capote, they all wrote for Playboy. This magazine was the real deal, kids, it was smarter and cooler than absolutely anything you know today. You see, all of these stories were longer than 140 characters. Or even 280.

I actually learned quite a bit about culture from Playboy, between rounds, if you know what I mean. By middle school I could discuss the literary feud between Gore Vidal and Norman Mailer in English class and sound like a friggin’ genius, I just couldn’t tell the teacher where I learned it. “Where did I learn that? Oh, you know. Around. Literary journals, and the like. At that building that has all the books. Yes, exactly, the library! That’s the one! I frequent that establishment, I‘ll have you know.” What was I gonna say? My father’s sock drawer?

The Playboy Interview was legendary, they were deep, involved discussions, frank and uncensored. Here are some of the people they interviewed: Salvador Dali, Patty Hearst, Groucho Marx, Ansel Adams, Stanley Kubrick, The Beatles, Albert Schweitzer, Buckminster Fuller, Orson Welles, Peter Sellers, Abbie Hoffman, Tennessee Williams, Erica Jong, Allen Ginsberg, and Bertrand Russell. Then there are the so famous they’re known by just one name: Fellini, Castro, Brando, Nehru, Sartre, Bowie, Nabokov, Hoffa, Carson, Antonioni, Mastroianni, Gleason, and Sinatra. And Playboy was woke, they interviewed Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Alex Haley, Miles Davis, Muhammad Ali, Eldridge Cleaver, Dick Gregory, and Huey Newton. Holy shit, right? Who do you see interviewed today? Kardashians? Ryan Gosling? Taylor Swift, but interrupted by Kanye West? This time we live in today has less culture than a petri dish.

Hef lived so long that most people today have no real idea how influential he was, what an important cultural icon he was, and that he somehow talked Marilyn Monroe into posing naked on the cover of the very first issue of his magazine way the hell back in 1956. That’s a dude with the Kavorka, big-time. And nobody was naked back in 1956. Not in this country. In 1956, people showered wearing a suit and tie, and apart from time shampooing, a smart fedora. They say people were more cultured back then because they went to art museums, bullshit, I think they only went to art museums to see the nudes in the oil paintings. You would too, and you know it, don’t even try to deny it. You’d say you were admiring the Titian, but you were really just admiring the Tit.

Nearly every issue, Playboy featured a very prominent celebrity with a well-established career and respected in her field who actually wanted people to see how beautiful she was without any clothes. Starting with Marilyn Monroe. And she was smoking hot, too, an icon in her absolute prime. Future historians will be more grateful for that photo shoot than they are for the discovery of the Nag Hammadi texts. Where do you go from there, Playboy? Well, how about Farrah Fawcett, the biggest sex-symbol of the entire 1970’s! The list of gorgeous, talented, famous, successful women that wanted to pose for Playboy might be hard for you to imagine, as you live in an age where women pose in magazines like Maxim with their clothes on! And men today pay to see that? Wtf? Man, I can see women with their clothes on just about anywhere I go. I can see that in line at the deli counter, I don’t need to pay for it.

Here are just a few, a very few, of the already-famous women who chose to pose with no clothes:

Daryl Hannah. Olivia Munn. Kim Basinger. Charlize Theron. Drew Barrymore. Denise Richards (she had kids with Charlie Sheen, so posing for Playboy was comparatively a relatively sound decision). Shannen Doherty. Belinda Carlisle. Jayne Mansfield. Mariel Hemingway. Margaux Hemingway. Nastassja Kinski. Sharon Stone. Rosanna Arquette. Vanna White. Elle MacPherson. Brigitte Bardot. Uma Thurman. Kate Moss. The list is almost endless. I almost said bottomless, but being Playboy, “bottomless” goes without saying.

Sure, the last decade and a half weren’t great for Hef, but who stays cool past the age of 75? Only Bob Dylan and Picasso. Hef couldn’t let it all go, and at the end it was pretty sad. It was like Sunset Boulevard with viagra. But I’ll miss the Hef of fifty years ago, that man was at the forefront of political movements, cultural progress, gay rights, equal rights, reproductive rights, and the right to take your goddamn clothes off if you feel like it.

This may be the first funeral where you should bring condoms. In lieu of flowers, please give blowjobs. So long, Hef. Thanks for the mammaries.

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queennicoleinboots · 3 years

Text

Doing Business As Swamp Business, part 1.5 (Pauno POV)

I was in a black back drop and addressing the fourth wall. "I am Pauno, the Greek God of wine, parties, crack cocaine, being supportive, and bring conservative. What you may read in this next story may make you butthurt because I don't hold back my opinions. Please continue if you dare. This story is not for the faint of heart."

I was walking with my wife, Kendrick through the swamp in Baltimore, Maryland. We were eating pizza and trying to escape the Marxist system that the United States was under. The only place in the United States that made any sense at all was backwardsass Georgia of all places. Most of them were not giving into the New World Order.

I was a Greek God, so I found a safe place and teleported us to the swamp in Social Circle, GA that expanded into several cities across Georgia. And a social circle awaited us.

The first person I noticed was an Amazonian woman with long brown curly hair, green eyes covered with leopard print glasses, and giant breasts who wore a purple crop top with a pink bekini. She was doing ballet, and when she would leap, I could see the bottom of her boobs. I couldn't help but stare. I love boobs A LOT.

Kendrick looked over at the Amazonian curly-haired woman and approached her. "You look familiar. Have I seen you before?" she asked as she looked the other woman up and down and had her jaw dropped.

The Amazonian woman smiled awkwardly and kind of looked away as she hunched her muscular shoulders. "I don't remember, but maybe we crossed paths before." She shrugged with her arms and smiled. Her smile looked extremely familiar... I had to know her from somewhere. She was on TV a lot and always seemed to be at most parties in Georgia I went to. She is extremely hot... Holy Shit I know her or rather...

"Peter?!" Kendrick said as she was looking that Amazonian woman's eyes.

My boner felt confused. I just stared at her. IT WAS A TRAP!!!!

She sighed cutely (definitely a trap) before she spoke, "I changed my name. Peter isn't a girl's name." She sighed and rolled her gorgeous green eyes.

'Remember. That's actually a dude,' I thought to myself.

She still acted like Peter.

The swamp bubbled up before a man with shaggy red hair started crawling from the large puddle in the middle of said swamp. He was covered in mud. He looked familiar as well. He looked like someone who frequented my sex and cocaine parties. He then hugged Peter around his curveous, milky waist. Peter was a very convincing girl. He had great boobs.

'GO AWAY BONER!!!!' I shouted inwardly to myself.

"Xaria, I have found you," the man covered in mud said as he kissed the left side of the other dude's curveous, smooth, milky body.

Goddamn I am beginning to hate transexuality. I am not even an iota of gay. This is not funny at all. Why the hell would anyone change their gender? That's fucking retarded. Sounds like part of a commie plan. Let's confuse everyone's genders so that people no longer have their true identities. Why else would they include gender reassignment to a stimulus package? So apparently the ideas of boys and girls are going to be replaced with purple penguins. Jesus Christ, we need your help to fix this shit. My boner is confused about these things.

Peter, or should I say Xaria, smiled and put his dainty yet long fingers around those of the other man. "Oh hey, Jared. Why the hell did you emerge from the mud?"

King Joebear then growled a great bear growl before announcing, "That's great, and now excuse me, I need to lick ass." To relieve his stress and anxiety, he mauled Xara, his wife who is AN ACTUAL FEMALE and licked her nice ass.

To relieve my stress and anxiety, I jacked off while Kendrick was oogling her ex Peter, or should I say Xaria. I have no idea whether Kendrick kissing Xaria would turn me on or not. I love to watch girls kiss each other, but this transexuality issue is confusing the hell out of me.

Count Macrula was singing an angelic opera to summon a swamp drain in the middle of the swamp to relieve his stress and anxiety. He looked more stressed than any of us. He needed to find some CBD and beer quickly.

"BAE WHUHH!!!!" Xara shouted as she shook her divine booty and did the backfat dance in front of us. She was bleeding like a stuffed pig. Xara's ass is legendary. If she were single and I were single, I would be after that booty.

King Joebear growled before he mauled her and started to lick her ass for the second time.

Count Macrula laughed a hearty laugh before he addressed Kissy, the small orange cat Xara and King Joebear had. "I am not going to lick your cat ass if that's what you are implying."

Kissy looked at Count Macrula in confusion before she meowed again. "No. I definitely did not call you for that. I simply meowed out of enjoying pizza crust," she said.

We went down the swamp drain in a clockwise direction because we were in North America.

--------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, I ended up back in Maryland and back at my job. I was surrounded by Commies. They were in support of this New World Order. I tried to tell them what was going to happen and about Proverbs, Psalms, and Revelation, but they argued with me. I showed them documentation of what was happening in the government, military, 9-11, Area 51, and Pizzagate, but they looked at me as though I WERE the crazy one. This job is so frustrating.

There were four other people with me working on the project. My wife, Kendrick was one of them. I managed to get her a job with me, and she was good at it. Then, a meathead who looked like a GI-Joe action figure was in our group. We'll call him G-I. Of course, there was that Tolkien black guy in the group. His name was Baaaahlah Barnes. He was a black goat who happened to hate other black goats. He also hated when you mispronounced his name. Last but least there was redheaded Jared, another transexual. She used to be a girl, but she was probably tired of being catcalled and a result, changed her gender. She was new, and come to think of it, she was at several of my wild parties before. She makes jewelry for weddings when she isn't here.

"Son of a bitch!" Kendrick said as she was trying to code a program to misdirect the military in the event that they swarm the streets of American cities in broad daylight.

"Yes. Technically I am one. My mother was a bitch. That's why I am a therapist when I am not here or making jewelry," Jared said as she was whizzing through the coding. There is a lot we don't know about Jared.

Kendrick snort-laughed. "Yeeeaaaahhhh! Mine is, too. She never taught me programming. I'm trying to put the 1 here, and it is wanting to put a 0," she said.

So that's how I know Jared. She was catcalled too many times as a therapist. I know that for a fact.

"You need to put a slash here, Kendrick," I said as I clicked on the spot where she dried to connect too many 1s at a time.

"Oh yeah! Wow! How did I miss that?!" Kendrick yelled.

"Bad parenting," I said with a laugh. Obviously, it was a joke.

"Yeah. My dad wasn't there, and my mother always yelled at me for everything. The only things she taught me were how to yell, sell stuff, and market. My mother was a marketer," she said as she typed more code.

"Damn. So who taught you to program?" I asked.

"I did!" Jared said. "Kendrick is a quick learner."

"Who taught you to program?" I asked Jared.

"My dad," Jared said as he, too, worked on a program that would have dancing bears interrupt a government simulation.

"Sounds like a nice man," I said as I was working.

"He is," Jared said.

All of a sudden, Xaria entered our warehouse area through a computer. He was wearing black nylon bekini panties and a black and red plaid short tank top. We could see his tummy. He looked around and was shocked. "Wow! How the hell did I end up here?"

Baaaahlah Barnes and G-I looked over and oogled at Xaria's large breasts.

Baaahlah Barnes bleated loudly. "Holy Shit. You're hot as hell! I don't know how you got here but you hot as hell!"

G-I was looking her up and down. "Whoa! I am glad you're here! This job just got interesting!" he said. That motherfucker was loud when he talked.

"Someone's computer mainframe must have malfunctioned. Let me guess. You were doing a cam show, right?" I asked.

"Of course. That's my new job, given the pandemic. I have hardly any reason to leave my house unless I forage for food for my mom and me. AAAAND!!!! I don't have to do drywall anymore!" Xaria said with a huge smile.

"Wait a minute! You did drywall?" Baaahlah Barnes asked.

"Yeah. My family got me into it. I hated it. Haaaaated it!" Xaria sang.

"How the hell does a woman do drywall?" Baaaahlah Barnes asked.

"That explains the muscles! Holy shit!" G-I said. His voice hurts my ears.

Should I let the cat out of the bag?

"There's a reallly long story behind that," Xaria said.

"So why don't you tell us?" Kendrick said as she saved her work and gave her undivided attention to Xaria.

Xaria cleared his throat. "Whoa guys! Calm down. I don't have the Rona. My temperature is 97.5 degrees Fahrenheit. But the long story begins as any good story does, with a prequel that you don't actually write. It started when I was a 10-year-old boy."

Baaaahlah Barnes bleated and said, "WHAT????!!!!! A 10-year-old BOY?! How old are you now?"

G-I scratched his head. "You used to be a boy? How the hell did you turn into this super hot woman?"

G-I is really fucking stupid.

"Yes. That's when I had my first... female moment. I was the girl in that..." Xaria trailed off.

"Was that when you realized you were gay?" G-I asked.

Xaria scoffed off at him. "That's when I realized I was bisexual. There's a difference," he said as he rolled his eyes.

He's giving me a weird boner with his green eyes. I'm not going to acknowledge it.

"So, did you have a lot of interactions with boys ever since?" G-I asked.

"I've had lots of interactions in general. I used to be a legitimate porn star... as a man," Xaria said.

Baaahlah Barnes bleated. "Oh yeah. You were Peter Parker. I watched a lot of yo shit, man!" he exclaimed.

"So, you like both guys and girls. And you had a very popular dick. What would possess you to cut it off?" G-I asked.

That was a very good question. I couldn't imagine that. I'm shuddering at the thought.

"I have always been sterile," Xaria said with a smirk. "I have no idea why."

"I can vouge for that," Kendrick said.

"Me, too," Jared said.

Everyone looked at Jared in shock.

"How the hell do you know he's sterile?" G-I shouted.

"Jared's a tranny, too," I said to him flatly. 'Goddamn you're an idiot!' I thought.

Xaria was smiling when he said, "Jared and I got our surgeries together. The latest government stimulus package included gender reassignment, so we thought. Why not? It would be a good way to stop carrying parts that didn't work, AND most importantly, I can get out of doing drywalllll!!!" Xaria had to sing "drywall." He hated it that much.

"Meanwhile, I have his penis and balls attached to me now," Jared said. "I donated my breasts to people that wanted boob jobs. As for my vagina, I donated it to a dude who happened to be the same size as me. I hope this person enjoys it as much as I did."

I blinked. I was having an interesting day. "This is proof that medical science is crazy. Actually crazy," I said. "The correlation between economic stimulus and gender reassignment is beyond me."

"Popular demand?" Xaria asked.

"Why can't the government use the money to actually help people?!" I shouted.

"You mean like things like food, shelter, clothes, rent, and toiletries that people actually need to survive?" Jared asked.

"YES!" I shouted as fire burned in my green eyes. The office was beginning to transform.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

We heard a big bear snore in the cave we were in.

"Bruh, how the hell did we get here?" Baaaahlah Barnes asked.

"Pauno transferred us to a bear cave in one of his rages. Talking about any kind of government spending that does not make sense to him transports people to random places," Kendrick said. "Needless to say, I travelled the world in less than 80 days."

King Joebear snored at then rolled over.

Jared was charmed by Xaria's green eyes and grinned before looking up at him. "Apparently, we should have kept our genders," she said as she put her dainty fingers around longer fingers of Xaria.

Those must have been their therapy sessions all the time. No wonder Xaria is such a slut.

"If I would have known we'd travel in a bear cave over it, then I would have probably NOT taken advantage of the gender reassignment program the government was offering. The stimulus bill didn't stimulate me at all. NOW IF WE WERE TO CHANGE THAT TO A STIMULUS BELINDA, then maybe I might have been stimulated by the idea. And maybe Pauno would have transferred us to an island in the Carribbean instead of a random bear cave," Xaria said as he wrapped his arm around Jared's waist.

This is what talking to a liberal sounds like. I have no idea how to respond.

Xara emerged from farther inside the cave.

"Keep it down, Xaria. My bear is trying to sleep," she said as she grabbed his butt. She then moved her hands around the tranny's legs, groin, and boobs. She also wanted to reach his lips, but she couldn't reach up that high. I bet she wishes she had tentacles to reach all over Xaria's body. Xara was kissing Xaria wherever she could.

"BOOBS!!!! I am Pauno, the Greek God of parties, being supportive, wine, and crack cocaine," I said as I brought down bottles of wine, crack cocaine, and taco mac.

Xara then went over and ate taco mac. Kissy jumped on the table and ate taco mac with her.

Xaria snorted a few lines of crack cocaine. "At least I quit drinking!" he said with a cute grin.

Kendrick drank some wine, snorted crack cocaine, and ate taco mac.

Baaaahlah Barnes ate taco mac. "I don't drink or do drugs anymore."

"I am proud of you," I said as I took a swig of red wine.

"Red Wine" by UB 40 began to play in the background.

Xara was patting Kissy's ass to the beat of the song. Kissy let out a little meow and laid next to Xara. Xara pet Kissy.

King Joebear growled loudly as he came out of within the cave. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he shouted. "Where's my blueberry banana smoothie!?"

"Ooh hoo Bae!!!!!" Xara shouted in excitement. Then she growled like a bear at him.

G-I was drinking, snorting cocaine, and eating some serious taco mac.

Jared ate a bowl of taco mac, too.

Xaria looked at me with a huge smile before he gave me a huge hug. My penis forgot that Xaria was actually a dude. I thought about pushing him off of me, but all I could say was, "You're welcome. A hug is all that a Greek God will allow thee. And even then, 10 seconds is the maximum allotted time." I then brought down a blueberry banana smoothie for hungryass King Joebear. I did not want to be mauled by a bear.

Jared sighed before she put her empty bowl on the floor for Kissy to lick on and pulled Xaria off me before giving him an encompassing hug. "You're a bad girl," he said as he ran his hands underneath her top and was touching her back.

"I am going to fuck you," Xaria whispered and winked to Jared. "Let's go in this cave."

"Please do! Your vagina feels so lovely!" Jared said softly as she led Xaria into the cave while looking up at him longingly. She wanted some pussy.

Count Macula, Jr. barrelled out of the cave with a serious look on his face. He had an announcement to make, "I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs." Then he barrelled right back in that cave.

I went over the table where everything was and downed a few glasses of wine. "HOLY SHIT WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!" I shouted.

"GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted with conviction from within the cave. He growled eight times for effect.

King Joebear shouted, "I'm out! I can't do anything! This is too gay for me."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Even if we were out of the warehouse, we couldn't say anything considered racist in 2021. There was a black guy who claimed to be African American. I agree with Count Macrula when he says that aren't actually African Americans unless they were actually born in Africa or had parents that were born in Africa.

So, I yelled in my car where only Kendrick could hear me, "Stay in your own lane, you stupid N*bbr!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Count Macula, Jr. yelled in the lane next to me. Xara was driving and trying to maintain patience as she drove behind the slow-moving black cadillac.

I drove next to Xara and Count Macula, Jr. and honked and waved. They waved back. They had five fingers on each hand and/or paw. They weren't part of the Nephalem. Most Nephalem had six or seven fingers on each hand.

I passed by them and took Kendrick and myself home. We had more wine and sat down to research what was going on in the universe.

As we searched the Internet for real news, we discovered RTN, the Real Truth Network. King Joebear and Princess Lindsay Carrington were the news anchors that were broadcasting to us. King Joebear growled to the other bears who were watching and then translated what he said into English.

King Joebear spoke, "The Internet and world has changed as we know it. There is 'no going back to normal.' The New World Order Is Here. They have Minutemen III nuclear missiles stationed right outside of Washington D.C. Youtube and Facebook are more censored than ever. Trump supporters and the Proud Boys are planning riots under the FBI's nose. Most major cities are deserted. And Hell on Earth will open soon. The good news is, after Tribulation, Jesus will rule the Earth for a thousand years."

"At least it was peaceful in Washington D.C., Athens, GA, Atlanta, GA, Los Angeles, CA, the United Kingdom, and Tybee Island, GA during the inauguration. How long will this peace last? I would assume until the end of the Great Reset of 2021. But for now, we will move on to a word from our sponsors at Real Food Network," Princess Lindsay Carrington chimed in.

"I want sausage and beans!!!!" King Joebear shouted.

--------------------------------------------------

"Yes Bae Whuhhhh!!! Sausage and Beans Wednesday!!!!" Xara shouted as she was cooking sausage and beans. "I'm hungry again."

"I love sausage and beans, but you know what I hate?" Count Macula, Jr. asked as he helped Xara season the beans.

"What? Democrats?" Xara asked as she stirred the beans.

"Haha Yes, but you know what I hate more than Democrats?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.

"What?" Xara asked.

"Radiated Refried Beans!" Count Macula, Jr. yelled.

"Oh yes! Recreational Radiated Refried Beans!" Xara shouted.

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riyuyami · 6 years

Text

A scene from my modern knight au, it starts off moments after Timaeus loses his right eye and runs into Critias

You are running on pure adrenaline and fear.

You feel blood all over your face, soaking your shirt, you taste it leaking into your open mouth as you pant hard. You rush down flights of stairs, down to the lobby, shoving your way into the cold night.

It’s snowing, hard, all you see is white and red.

He slashed your face, your eye... oh god, do you even still have it?!

You have no idea, you’ve got your hand covering it, you don’t even know if you’re blind.

You think people are talking to you, but you just keep running. You gotta get home, you have to get to Socrates and Mana, they can help you, they can keep you safe? Right?

Right?!

No, he threatened to hurt them!

If Dartz can hurt you, he can hurt them...

You stop, gagging at the thought, at the horrible feeling of dread and terror.

You empty your stomach into the snow at your feet, blood, from your mouth, your wound. You get sick again, before you run once more.

You can’t even tell what direction your going in.

A patch of black ice.

You’re down and you can’t move, your body aches from the pain, the freezing cold, the blood loss. You just want to sleep...

You hate cold weather, its nice like this but not when everyone just HAS to get a hot drink at the same time you do. You would have gotten a cup for yourself at the office, but you hate that shitty coffee, and besides, you like this cafe anyway.

With a loud sigh, you wait in line, glancing out the window. Not much traffic, too much snow, it’s rather late anyway.

But someone catches your eye.

A man is stumbling about on the fresh snow, before slipping and slamming hard into the middle of the road after he tried to cross the street. You frown and move to the door, looking outside to see if the stranger is okay. Normally you wouldn’t give a shit, but no one else seemed to be paying attention, and... well... someone might as well be nice, yeah?

He’s not moving, and you see lights. Glancing to the left, you see a truck coming down the road. The driver doesn’t seem to notice the man, fuck! You rush outside and stop in the road, grabbing the stranger by his arm and yank him out of the way, just in the time. The asshole driver had sped up, driving off down the road. He’ll skid if he goes faster, what a prick.

You huff and turn, looking at the man you helped, about to ask him what the fuck he was doing, when you see blood all over the thin, long sleeved shirt he wore. His right hand was covered in fresh blood.

Shocked, your eyes trail down his soaked arm, down to his face, where you see half of it is covered in red. A lone, wide eye stares at you from under wet, silver bangs. He’s wheezing, he looks so scared and alert. “S-Socrates... I gotta... Socrates is gonna...”

“Holy fuck,” You hiss, trying to get him to his feet. “Sir, are you alright!? What happened to your face!”

He shuddered, before retching at your feet, gagging hard. He’s in shock, shit...

“Socrates, I gotta... he needs me...” The stranger says as he tries to pull away, but you just hold onto his arm tighter.

“Hey, hey! You need to get to a hospital, shit...” You’re so lucky you parked your car in front of the cafe...

He won’t stop mumbling ‘Socrates’, but his words are terribly jumbled, and he’s shaking like a leaf, he’s only in jeans, boots, and a thin shirt. It’s 3 degrees Fahrenheit, where the fuck did he come from without a jacket?

You sigh, parking in the hospital parking lot, at the emergency section.

Getting out and going to his side of the car, you help him out, taking him in as he stumbles with you, still saying that name. What does a dead philosopher have to do with any of this?

You bring him to the front desk, telling the nurse there that you found him in the street, bleeding. She’s quick to get a doctor.

In the light of the hospital, you see that he’s rather blue in the face from the cold, but also pale from the blood loss. How is he not dead?

His hair is black and greenish at the ends, his bangs are silver, with some of it running through the black and green. He’s shaking like there’s no tomorrow and he looks up at you with his one eye, a shade of blue, but its so unfocused, he hasn’t snapped out of his shock yet.

“Hey, do you have a phone? I can call someone to come for you, yeah?” You ask him and he looks like he didn’t understand your question. “Did you hear me? Give me your phone so I can call someone for you.”

With stiff, shaking hands, he fumbled with his pockets, pulling out his phone with trouble.

A doctor comes and takes him away, while you sit down with his phone.

There’s no password, the image of the lock screen is the same as the home screen, a picture of a smiling boy who looks very much like him, posing with a girl at some water park. You see that he has several missed calls, two from someone named Mana, and five from Socrates.

You decide to call that number.

One ring, and its picked up.

“Timaeus! Oh God, there you are! I’ve been trying to contact you, where are you? The weather is suppose to get worse and I don’t want you staying at his pla-”

“Excuse me.”

The rambling stopped and the worried voice became serious. “Who.. who are you?”

“My name is Critias Pendragon, are you Socrates?”

“... Yes? Why do you have my brother’s phone?”

“I have it because he handed it to me, he’s in the hospital right now.”

“Oh god! What happened?!” The boy’s voice cracked with worry.

“I don’t know, I found him laying in the street, he almost got ran over by a truck. The right side of his face was slashed and it looks like he lost a lot of blood. He was also outside with nothing warm on.”

There was silence. “What hospital is he at?”

“The one of fifth, the main one. He kept saying your name, and that he had to get to you. I think he’s in shock. He got taken into the ER just a few minutes ago, you might want to hurry down here.”

“I will. Thank you, Mr. Pendragon.” The call ended and you decide to sit and wait for this Socrates guy to come.

It didn’t take long for you to see someone come in with ridiculous hair. It looked a lot like this Timaeus guy’s hair, except closer to blue than green at the tips. A blonde haired girl was with him as they approached the counter.

Getting up, you approach them. “Excuse me, are you Socrates?” You ask and the boy looked, eyes wide.

“Y-yes! Do you know how my brother is doing?”

“No, I haven’t been told.” You hold out the phone to him. “Here, this is his, he let me use it to call you before he was taken back. I need to go, but do take care of him, he was in shock when I brought him in.”

Socrates frowned, taking the phone. “Thank you, sir.”

You pull something from your pocket, a business card. “Just give me a heads up on his condition. I dunno the guy, but I’d at least like to know if he’s alright, that cut on his face looked really bad.”

“Thank you.” He took the card. “I’ll be sure to call you once I know more.”

You just nod, turning away. You do hope that the kid calls you, you’re rather curious of his brother.

He will call you a few days later, but you won’t see either of them again until over a year later. Luckily for you, you never forget a face, so seeing Timaeus again without all that blood is a bit more of an interesting experience than how you saw him tonight.

#yugioh #timaeus #critias #platoshipping #modern knights au #john's drabbles

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queermikehanlon · 7 years

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Sweet Caroline (The Losers Club)

Summary: The losers spending time with each other in a diner.

Words: 2,703

ao3

A/N: I got this from @grownups-are-the-real-monsters post about the losers in a diner listening to the juke box (x). Also, there aren’t any prevalent ships in this fic, a few are implied, but nothing outright. (It’s weird to post writing because I haven’t posted any writing in so long.)

It was a small diner. It was a town over from Derry in a different small Maine town. It was one that the losers loved, because they weren’t losers there. They were the group of teenagers who went to the public places and were a little louder than the workers would like but not too bad because they tipped (unlike most teenagers) and were nice to the people they encountered.

The diner was a small one called ‘Track’s End’ because it was near the end of the train tracks and mostly catered seasonal workers who worked on the train line and the occasional families that lived nearby in the apartment complexes; and not to forget the group of seven teenagers who come in about every two weeks.

The losers considered it their loser time to hang out and be losers together. Sure, they all see each other often, but sometimes the losers didn’t see each other often enough. Bill and Stan had one class together, but Bill is starting his soccer season soon. He, over the summer after their freshman year, began working hard, wanting to join. the losers helped him on the sort of cool and grey days, working with him to help his foot work and with his saves (Bill had wanted to become a goalie) and with all of their hard work Bill made it on to the team, but now his days were filled with cleats and late dinners.

Stan spent his after school days with the Derry’s raptor club, volunteering at the local bird sanctuary. Sometimes when Ben or Mike wanted to hang out with Stan they joined him and he introduced them all to the different hawks and owls (and the few snakes that they held, which Mike loved and Ben tried to stay far away from).

Beverly spent time with Mike the most, surprising everyone at least a little bit. Beverly liked hanging out on his family’s farm in the middle of the fields. Mike learned how to draw from Beverly when she started drawing random buildings and trees on his property for art projects. Mike taught her about the animals and the food they grew and Beverly learned why Mike is vegan.

Ben and Bev also hang out, Bev going to Ben’s house to help him with erector set, building things more and more daring to see if it would even work. Bev sometimes makes things just to see if it holds for a while. Ben would paint Bev’s nails and when Bev wasn’t feeling good because of the bruises on her arms and stomach Ben handed over one of his many hoodie that swallowed her whole.

Eddie and Richie had almost every class together- so much so that their names were said as one word: EddieandRichie. Eddie and Richie spent most of their time together- along with the other losers, but mostly together. They didn’t do many after school things- Richie sometimes stayed with Stan for the chess club and Eddie stayed behind sometimes for tutoring (he helped some students with their science while they helped with his English).

Every two weeks on Sunday the seven got together and climbed into Eddie’s 1972 Vista Cruiser (even though they barely had enough seats to hold all of them) and drove off somewhere to be the losers club, at least for a little bit). This Sunday they went to the roller rink in the same town as the Track’s End diner. They all rented skates and rolled around, holding hands and moving around the rink. there weren’t many people there considering it was a small town on a Sunday night, so the losers had the rink and the arcade games to themselves.

It wore everyone out, Eddie made sure he had his inhaler on him and Richie made sure he had his back up inhaler. Beverly and Stan tried their best but looked like baby deer as they skated with wobbly legs and their arms stuck outwards to brace themselves as they fell. Bill, of course, was a natural even though he had only skated a handful of times in his life. Mike, who had never put on a pair of skates ever, held hands with Bill for almost the entire time he was out on the rink because Holy shit, this is so slick!

Richie and Eddie skated and played games back to back when Eddie’s asthma was acting up or when Richie’s ass hurt when he fell down one to many times from going too fast. (If you don’t slow the fuck down, then I’ll make your ass hurt in a different way, Richie Tozier! – Promise?) Richie also took his time to help Ben around the rink because Ben stuck to the wall and tried to walk with his skates rather than glide like you were meant to.

The losers lived for their Sunday night hang outs. They went to crappy golf courses and hung out at the Derry Mall. They hung out and made dams in the B8arrens like they used to when they were in elementary school. It made them feel better, almost younger, except they didn’t feel like they were kids, they felt like they were themselves, if they were ever themselves after the summer when they were thirteen, more innocent maybe? It was only like this sometimes between them. Stan felt phantom scars on his neck and face and sometimes when Eddie took a look at Bill or Richie his right arm would ache a little bit like it did when it was about to rain.

All their childhood shenanigans and all their childhood mistakes led them to themselves. these seven were meant for each other in no other way possible. In their amazing and unparalleled time together, they landed themselves in Track’s End.

The diner itself was small with seven booths and maybe ten seats at the bar. The only people besides the losers who were in the diner were a younger woman and a child- a girl about the age of five, and two older, middle aged men sitting at the bar. The losers piled into the biggest booth the diner had with Bill squishing into one side, though no one complained. Elbows bumped together and accidental (and purposeful) games of footsie were started, but they were left unnoticed as the conversation was booming with laughter and good jabs at each other.

They ordered breakfast for dinner in big heaping piles, knowing that most of the plates would be shared with each other (Stan, Eddie, and Mike didn’t share much- Stan and Eddie because of all the hands on their plates and their food and Mike because most breakfast food sold in a small town diner isn’t vegan so he couldn’t share much of the loser’s food).

Bev and Richie were actively arguing over music that they would play in the juke box. Ben, Mike, Stan, and Eddie were talking about the two page book report that was due on Monday about Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. Bill was sitting on the end, listening to both and pitching in on either conversation.

“But how can you even compare Come On Eileen to Sweet Child O’ Mine?”

“Bradbury wasn’t f-fucking F. S-scott Fitzgerald. N-not every-ything is meant to suh-symbolize God.”

“How can you hate Come On Eileen?!”

“Come on, at least the metal dog was supposed to be some sort of God, right?”

“No, the dog was supposed to represent the society that they lived in with all of the judgement and stuff, right?”

“I don’t hate Come on Eileen!”

“I don’t know why she didn’t just give us Lord Of The Flies I can bullshit a paper on that book, but I have no idea where to start with this.”

“You gotta another quarter then?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I don’t want to read books at all, give me the grammar shit and let me do that for the rest of the semester.”

“Let’s play both our songs, yeah?”

“Okay.”

Just as Bev and Richie were going to push Bill and Mike off the edge of their seats to go to the jukebox across the diner, the woman, the mother, had taken her own quarter and played a song. It filled the diner completely, the music. The thump of the beats and brass music. Richie, who listens to the radio more than any average person should, groaned as the losers quieted their bickering to listen to the music.

“Are you kidding me?” Richie spoke, being careful enough so that the mother across the bar didn’t hear him as she moved to the beat with her daughter. “Neil fuckin Diamond?”

The losers didn’t respond, just listening to the music as they waited for their food. However, it was Ben who started it.

For every thump within the song, Ben’s finger tapped on the table. it was barely noticeable, because Ben didn’t have long fingernails like Bev did. they were tiny taps. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

“Was in the spring, and then a spring became a summer,”

Mike was next to succumb. he didn’t know the words to lots of songs played on the radio, but he could remember the tunes to most. He didn’t want to admit that he knew the song because Richie might make fun of him for it. It was a slight hum; a hum you couldn’t control. It slipped out of him and even Ben, who was sitting the furthest away from him, couldn’t hear it. It was low and soft.

“Who’d have believed you come along?”

Stan, uncomfortable and awkward with music to begin with, began to nod his head along with Ben’s finger taps. Stan couldn’t hold a tune and if the beat relied on him he always seemed to mess it up, but Ben was right next to Stan tapping his fingers and Stan watched Ben’s fingers and bobbed his head along. Stan could hear the faintness of the hums, but couldn’t tell if it was coming from Mike or from Bill, but he grinned under biting his lips nonetheless.

“Haannddss,”

Bev was mouthing the words, knowing it from the music her mother played while they were cleaning the house when he father was gone over the summer. It reminded her of good times with her mother, and days at the quarry with the boys when Richie brought his pocket radio to practice his DJ voices. The Neil Diamond song reminded Bev of hot summer days and dancing around, so sure, Bev sang along to the words, even if Richie would give her more shit for her music taste.

“Touching haannddss,”

Bill was swaying in his seat, hitting Bev in the side every other beat. It started with his head, like Stan, but instead Bill continued it as the song was building, making it so his entire top half was swaying left to right, into Bev and looking off in the distance.

“Reaching out,”

Eddie was swaying too, like Bill, but Eddie was sat next to Richie and didn’t want Richie to know that he was enjoying himself. He swayed a few times, but resituated himself so he was sitting on one of his legs in the booth. When he caught himself swaying again, he tried to make it look like he was staring at something out the window as the day was becoming night. His fake fidgets didn’t fool anyone however, they all knew he was swaying along with the song like most other losers.

“Touching you,”

Richie was about to burst. Sure, he was quick to make fun and pick at the song, but when all he wanted to do was make funny voices and sing along at everyone in the booth with him. As much as he loved making fun, he couldn’t expose himself as a hypocrite, especially in the sense of his own musical taste, of which he was fighting with Bev not two minutes ago. Truly, Richie was trying his hardest, biting his lips to keep himself from singing.

As the song came to its chorus all the teenagers looked at each other and their own ways of following along to the song. They were taking all their willpower to hold themselves together, but they couldn’t hold themselves together, laughing they sung.

“SWEET CAROLINE!”

Richie leaned into Eddie’s ear and screeched, “BA BA BUM!”

“Good times never felt so good! So good!”

The losers sang so loud, into each other’s faces, passionately holding one another, dancing in their seats. Their earlier exhaustion from skating and reservation from singing the first verse seemed nonexistent as they sang to each other. They became loud and rambunctious, hopping in their seats and trying to be as exaggerated and as animated as they could be, giggling and cackling to each other.

Bev’s curly red hair bounced as she bobbed her head. Bill was using his body weight and swaying it into Bev’s side, which then acted as a pendulum into Stan, who then knocked into Ben who replaced using his fingers with his entire hand, becoming the drummer of the group as he beat on the table and the window sill.

Stan was headbanging the mop of curls on the top of his head, enjoying himself thoroughly. Mike joined in the singing, and danced in his seat, trying to wiggle his bottom half. Richie and Eddie were nose to nose, keeping eye contact as they sang; they played with an unspoken rule that if they blinked or broke eye contact they lost.

During their song, the waitress came by with the large tray holding all their food and they calmed down only for a tiny bit. The losers continued to sing to themselves quietly as hands and arms were across the table moving and passing around plates of food and refills on their drinks until they had all of their food and began to dig in. Stan still bobbed his head, Eddie and Bill still swayed, and Mike still hummed, but their mouths were too full with their food to continue singing.

As the song faded out, all the movement stopped. They didn’t do anything and ate as nothing had happened. You could hear the scarping of metal on ceramic plates and the clinking of ice against the glass of their cups. Mike glanced up from his food to side eye everyone else and he caught Bev’s eyes doing the same thing. He swallowed his hash browns took a drink. Bev leaned over Stan and took a piece of Ben’s sausage with her fork. Bill hummed a different song, one that he’s had stuck in his head for most of the week.

The diner was quiet now. except-

“Come On Eileen is the greatest song to exist and you can’t say a fucking thing that would change my mind.”

“You can’t believe that’s true,”

The other boys listened to Bev and Richie’s conversation (or rather argument) and joined in.

“Okay, I love Come On Eileen but it’s not the greatest song I’ve ever heard,”

“B-blasphemy.”

“You can’t believe that!”

“Finally! A good man on my side! Come over here Big Bill, give me a sweet kiss!”

“Beep, beep, Richie.”

“Can it Stan the Man. You know you’re on our side!”

There in-diner concert was ignored but not forgotten as they all began to argue over what should be played on the jukebox next. They really did love their Sunday hang outs and whenever they hang out. Something linked them together- something in their souls made them right for each other.

“Don’t even fuckin try to convince me otherwise!”

“God, Rich, do you have to be so aggressive?”

“Haystack, tell me you love Come On Eileen!”

Ben threw a piece of bacon and it hit Richie’s glasses, leaving a grease smudge mark on the lenses.

“Well, thanks for the meat Benny, I’ll come by your house later and you can give me some more.”

“Beep, beep, Richie.”

Mike laughed and it started a chain reaction. The seven teenagers sitting in the diner cackled at each other and the few of Richie’s jokes that were actually funny. They ate, argued more, and enjoyed their time, as they would for as long as they hoped.

#it 2017 #it #the losers club #bill denbrough #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #mike hanlon #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #stan uris #stanley uris #del writes #del posts

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sigma7 · 7 years

Text

give him the stick DON’T give him the stick

The good news: the Fenslerfilms versions of the classic GI Joe PSAs have been converted to HD!

youtube

The bad news: some Wikipedia buzzkill has decided that the exhaustive description of the PSAs on the Fenslerfilm Wikipedia page is just not encyclopedic-enough to retain on the page itself. It’s relegated to the history of the page, but just to insure the survival of these laser-precise summaries, I’m including them below. Given a year for each, I could not write better summaries.

#1: You're Not My Friend A young boy gets lost at a carnival while checking out a shooting tent. He bumps into Alpine, who confuses the boy with, "Mi mi mi mi," noises, in a send-up of the poor animation of characters' speaking mouths. Alpine quickly adds, "Naw, I'm just kiddin' with ya." The boy's friends return and ask, "Hey man, who's that weird dude you're talking to, bro?" The boy awkwardly says to Alpine, "My friends are here, oh cool, s-s-see you later." Alpine's face then strains as he appears to fart.

#2: Blanco Nino Some children are playing football. One of them is tackled roughly to the ground. He discovers that his nose is bleeding and asks for someone to take him to the hospital. Another kid turns to him and says "you sure about that?" Footloose shadows over the boys and says authoritatively, "Nice catch, blanco niño, but too bad your ass got saaaacked!" After which Footloose appears, through video editing techniques, to tackle the boy.

#3: Body Massage Two boys on bikes stop in front of a downed live wire on the road. One suggests that they "launch" over it. Roadblock approaches and asks, "Who wants a body massage?" He casts the wire away as he sings softly to himself in a Barry White-style baritone ("Mr. Body Massage Machine...GO!"). One of the boys then asks "Eeeeeh, what the hell?" Roadblock proudly responds, "Body massage!"

#4: Fire On Your Sleeve Two boys are camping. While putting more logs on the campfire, one says, "Speaking of logs, I'm going to take the Cosby Kids down to the river," then one of the boy's sleeves catches fire. Spirit runs in speaking in a Native Indian language (sampled from Brocket 99). He wraps the boy in a blanket and rolls him on the ground for an excessively long time. Spirit lectures the boy again in his strange language. The other boy asks, "You didn't take anything out of our tent, did ya?" Spirit gives an answer (once again in vernacular) and gives a slight nod.

#5: Ice Three boys race onto a frozen lake, the first one crying, "Last one there's a penis pump!", while the other two attempt to catch up, shouting, "That's not fair!" over each other (a theme which continues throughout this PSA). The first boy slides on the ice ("Holy cow, I'm totally going so fast. Aw, fuck!") and then slips, cracking the ice. While the other two attempt to walk out to rescue the boy, Snow Job approaches on skis. The two boys ask for help, but Snow Job launches a foul-mouthed tirade at them in a Cockney accent. When the children reach out with a stick, Snow Job approves ("Give him the stick."), then immediately contradicts himself ("Don't give him the stick!"). When they look at him and reply simultaneously ("We're sorry," and "Do you know my dad?"). Snow Job then sings a loud "Oh" to an A note in a bass-baritone voice.

#6: Kids Fry Two children are wakened by a smoke alarm. They approach the door, but Barbecue arrives at the window, letting out a series of vocoded noises. He opens his palm toward one of the kids and releases an energy pulse, disintegrating the child. The other boy looks at Barbecue in bewilderment, then succumbs to the same fate.

#7: Porkchop Sandwiches Two boys are in a kitchen. Their dubbed voices make them sound like they are mentally challenged. One of the boys turns on the stove and puts a frying pan on it. The other boy, who is standing in the doorway to the kitchen eating an apple, says to him, "You don't know how to cook anything." The boy standing in front of the stove says "Yeah I do." The flame from the burner ignites curtains which are hanging near the stove, causing the boy who turned it on to start stuttering in panic. Blowtorch runs in, shouting "porkchop sandwiches!" This line is one of the most frequently quoted by fans, and Fensler has until recently sold T-shirts sporting the phrase. He arrives at the kitchen door and in a panic-ridden voice orders the children: "Oh shit, get the fuck out of here! What are you doing? Go, get the fuck out of here, you stupid idiot! Fuck, we're all dead! Get the fuck out!" His panicked tone of voice contrasts oddly with his calm body language. Outside, he tells them, "My God, did that smell good!" prompting a stream of gibberish from one of the boys. One of the boys says something along the lines of, "Detector no go and you tell me, do things, I done runnin'..." This is met with Blowtorch's staring toward the camera, followed by a closeup of that same stare.

#8: Slip A boy is standing on the edge of a cliff, and his friend runs off toward the woods shouting, "Mom, Dad, come here! You gotta see this! This is so cool—" The cliff edge the boy is standing on then gives way, and the boy falls into the sea, screaming, "Shiiiiii-(t)" as the cliff crumbles beneath him. The PSA cuts off abruptly at this point, lasting only nine seconds in total.

#9: Belch Kids playing baseball get into a heated argument over whether a runner is safe or out. Cutter (apparently drunk) arrives and challenges one of the boys to what is apparently a belching contest (represented by the voice-actors as a lengthy vocal fry vocalization). The boy initially demurs, suggesting a different kid as an alternative participant. Cutter refuses, explaining: "Because I already had him. That's right, kids, I already had him." The boy reluctantly agrees to play, and after about 32 seconds of "uhhhhhh" belching-noises from both, the boy cannot do it anymore and concedes defeat, but Cutter continues in a trance-like state for another 40 seconds until the PSA ends, with an excessively long final note, lasting about 20 seconds, on the chorus of "G. I. Joooooooooooooe..."

#10: Bus Rider A boy and a girl high on medicine cabinet drugs and/or possibly alcohol go into the kitchen to get some more, with the boy saying, "Yeah, we should totally hit it again but I get first dibs on it." Doc appears in the window singing a dancehall song. The boy joins him in a bizarre high-pitched voice until it ends. Doc repeats an approximation of "Sunshine dey yah, a time fi di bus ride," in nearly indecipherable patois. Based on the song "Fun Time Deh Ya" by Night Rider.

#11: There's No Retard In Team Kids playing soccer accost their goalkeeper for failing to stop a shot ("There's no retard in team!"). Flint approaches and gives the kids a bewildering account of the day's international news. The news is as follows, "Damage to the base is said to be heavy and the Israeli jets are reported to have made it back to their headquarters." The team scores and while celebrating Flint returns and his news report continues: "A 49-year-old unidentified man went berserk last night, opening fire with a 12-gauge shotgun in a crowded downtown restaurant... Fighting broke out overnight between rival factions along the Israeli-Syrian border. Initial reports claim the Israeli fighters bombed a guerrilla base, kill—" with the "G.I. Joe" chorus ending, cutting Flint off in mid-sentence. The news announcements were sampled from "Segue (II)" off New Power Generation's 1995 album Exodus (Track 15). The same samples were also used on Megadeth's "The Scorpion" from the 2004 album The System Has Failed, the Spin Doctors' "What Time Is It," Chamillionaire's song "The Morning News," off his 2007 album, Ultimate Victory, and Jonathan Coulton's song "Shop Vac." The announcements can also be heard in Cowboy Bebop's "Session 5: Ballad of Fallen Angels", playing on a radio in the background during Annie's store scene; the video game Grand Theft Auto's in-game radio station "Head Radio"; the Sega Dreamcast game Shenmue 2, during the music track "Gifts"; in the background of episode 1 of Californication; and in the game Fahrenheit, where it can be faintly heard among static on a restaurant's radio. This also played in a radio news report in the movie "XIII".

#12: Car Accident While riding bikes without lights or reflectors, two boys narrowly avoid an accident with Dusty's jeep. He crashes and runs over to the boys with helicopter noises in the background, bellowing a butch version of the "Game Over" theme from Sega Rally Championship ("Game Over Yeaaahhhhhh!") to the boys.

#13: Pink Purse A boy talking in ebonics jumps a gap at a building site and a sound effect plays, presumably because the pit shown is far too wide for a child to jump across without supernatural assistance. Before completing the gap, he tells his companion "It's just eee threasy (three easy) steps, just flip it, stick it, and see you later bye!" The young girl is hesitant to do the same. He exhorts her to try, telling her "You better bring it." Lady Jaye approaches and asks them, "Kids? Did you happen to see a pink... um, I wanna say, vinyl purse around here somewhere? ...I'm just dying to get my cigarettes." The boy reels back, protesting that he hasn't seen any purse, but the scene slows down in the middle of his sentence in order to poke fun at the low quality of inbetweening in the spot, showing a loss of volume in the boy's head in different frames. The girl responds in a peculiar manner; she appears to slow down time to the point where her animation frames (four in total) are played for several seconds each. On the last frame, she lets out a surprising "Bah!" sound. The film ends with a shot of Lady Jaye smiling nervously.

#14: Motorcycle A boy named Eric is being talked to by a stranger off-screen, who is attempting to give important life advice to the boy. He talks at breakneck speed, and when Eric fails to pay attention, the man drives off, annoyed. The monologue is as follows: "Now you listen to me, Eric. You don't blow your money on those comic books, you understand? They don't do you a damned bit of good, and the nude mags, you're gonna be inheriting mine when you're 16 anyway. Now look, the junk food and the candy just rots your teeth, gives you bad breath, and the girls run like hell. Stay the hell away from buying any rock TV shirts, or hip hop gear, or anything like that. Arcade games—pick out one that you can do, okay? ONE that you can do as opposed to a whole bunch of them that you don't know what the hell you're doing. Techno music just puts a hole in your brain an... are, are you listening to me? Look at me when I'm talking to you!" At this point, the man drives away and Wild Bill approaches on a motorcycle. He treats Eric and Eric's friend to a confusing, tone-deaf and completely non sequitur rendition of Arlo Guthrie's Motorcycle Song. Perhaps the most confusing aspect is that Eric's friend appears to morph after the stranger drives away. He was clearly an Eric clone, but takes on a much darker complexion and different clothes by the time Wild Bill arrives. This friend later attests that he's "about to putdapressabutdawutdawiddaman." Wild Bill continues to sing when Eric shrugs his shoulders saying that he doesn't know what he's doing, but gets cut off by him singing "I just wanna ride my motorcy..." then pauses for a second to say the remaining "...cle."

#15: Help Computer A boy approaches a dog to pet it saying, "Aw, hell no, what's up, dog?", but the dog reacts violently, causing the boy to back away. Mutt arrives and says, "Hey kid, I'm a computer! Stop all the downloadin'!" as the boy steps back from the dog. The dog leaves. Mutt puts his hands on the boy's shoulders and asks him to, "Help computer." The boy explains, "I don't know much about computers, other than, other than the one we got at my house, and my mom put a couple of games on there and I play 'em." Mutt, either annoyed by this or so angered that his software malfunctions, replies with a garbled robotic message from the NBC series NewsRadio.[19] The sound byte is specifically from season 3, episode 24 entitled "Space". It is the sound that Dave's artificially intelligent chair makes when it is being shut down against its will.

#16: Swimming Two kids are swimming in a lake (one splashing the other shouting "You like it, you love it, you need it!") but a thunderstorm develops. One kid gets out but the other stays in. Deep Six rises from the water, surprising the boy who's still in the water (shouting an exaggerated "Oh yosh!") and shepherds him onto land. The boys are terrified as Deep Six's protection suit gives him muffled speech so it is impossible to understand what he is saying. One of the boys asks, "Are you in the Army?" Lightning strikes the water and the second boy says, "If I had been in that water... dead." Deep Six continues to lecture the boys in his muffled tone, and one boy responds with some lightning fast dialogue which sounds something like "It's really cold out here...bye!"

#17: Australian Kids who are playing truant hang around an abandoned refrigerator. Recondo (with an Australian accent) is keeping tabs on them. He says, "I'm glad you guys... skipped the class today. We're havin' fun, aren't we?" One of the kids replies, "I wanna play videogames." He responds, "We had a good conversation, heh heh heh. You, you're the ringleader," followed by a burst of maniacal gibberish. As he puts one of the children in the refrigerator he exclaims, "Go'n, get in that fridge there, boy!" and "They don't understand! We gotta sneak back in the school." One other kid expresses a desire to get in the fridge, too. Recondo's chuckling ends the PSA.

#18: Pimp A blind boy and his friends are out walking in the country. The blind boy (with the help of his white cane) is acting like a stereotypical pimp to the annoyance of his friends, who tell him, "Brian, you ain't no pimp, dude!" The blind boy, looking for his money, says "Where's mah money?" A blonde girl speaks up and says "That's my money." Brian then replies; "Man you're just a Jealous motherfucker!", possibly since he is a pimp. Spirit approaches them, speaking in the same Native American language used in PSA04, also sampled from Brocket 99. The blind boy finds a cat in a hollow log. The girl then says that "it's such a wonderful experience here with the Indian."

#19: Fire Alarm Starts with the scene of a house on fire. A boy challenges a boy to push a fire alarm saying, "Bet you won't touch that button, bitch." He tries to do so, but Barbecue approaches them, making the same noises he makes in "Kids Fry," stops the boy from pushing the button, and pops off his helmet. He says (with a slight Upper-Midwestern accent) "Hey guys. Ah, you know it's funny, these people, they go to sleep, they think everything's fine, everything's good... They wake up the next day and they're on fire."

#20: Dockside Bars Two boys have a race through a park. One takes a nearby bicycle to cheat, while the other catches up, saying, "Hey, what the fuck? No way! Suck my dust, bitch!" Shipwreck stops them both, says, "I believe I knew your mother, son," and asks if his name happens to be Johnny. He then asks a series of questions implying that he is the boy's long-lost father. In the end, he asks "Does your mother still hang out at dockside bars?" The boy is bewildered, but Shipwreck follows up with his next question; "Johnny, do you play baseball?" The line of questioning used by Shipwreck is reminiscent of Captain Oveur's questioning of a child passenger in the comedy film Airplane!.

#21: Water Skiing A child is waterskiing. She quickly falls off. Scarlett approaches and the child enthusiastically says, "My turn! My turn! My turn!". She then takes off on the water skis. Scarlett watches on and hums a tune, which develops into a scat singing improvisation session.

#22: Mr. LaFitte Some kids are skateboarding in a roller park with sound effects from Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. Gung-Ho approaches with a girl he calls Susie. He acts with a flamboyant homosexual stereotype telling the girl, "Susie, don't forget your sandwiches!" The boys approach him and he says "Oh, you boys look so lovely in your little outfits." The Yellow Helmeted kid says "Hey! Whats up Miss, uhh..Mister LaFitte?" The Red Helmeted Kid says "Hey.. Watch me Ollie!", referring to a skating move. GungHo then says "I just want to eat you up!" Yellow Helmet Kid then says "Love the tattoo, Mr.LaFitte." GungHo places his hands onto his hips and says "Look at all your different colored hats!" (The Gung Ho character's name is Ettienne R. LaFitte)

#23: Anime This PSA is entirely in Japanese. Kids are making a treehouse. One of them falls but Quick Kick arrives just in time to catch him. A nonsensical conversation in Japanese takes place, which consists mainly of stereotypical phrases from a Japanese-language learning course ("What time is it?", "Please wait while I change my clothes", "Nice to meet you", "How are you?", "Please call me in two or three days.") and has no relevance (when translated) to the incidents in the PSA. The closing chorus is sung in Japanese ("Jii waratashi fuzukuru!"). The timing, music, and ending are all parodies of classic anime.

#24: Buzz Lightyear Three boys are on a boat. One makes an insult about the other's mother ("I fuckin' haxxord your mom's ass last night"). The insulted boy replies with "You might want to put a vest on", and then proceeds to knock the insultee (who is not wearing a lifejacket) off the boat with the sail. The third boy then says "Orange vests are for pussies", clearly in a tone mocking a previous (unheard) conversation with the drowning boy, while wearing an orange vest himself. Deep Six arrives in a submersible boat and drags the boy to safety. Deep Six, still speaking in an unintelligible muffled falsetto through his diving mask, tries to lecture the boys. One of them asks, "Hey, aren't you Buzz Lightyear?", and another whispers "I love your movies." Deep Six gets noticeably angry about this comparison and shouts in his muffled voice.

#25: Fuckin' Old School A girl turns to a boy and says "fuckin' old school". The boy in turn faints but it is edited to appear as if he is break dancing within a large group of children. A chiptunes instrumental plays throughout alongside sporadic crowd reactions. Airtight appears in an extreme close-up, and says (over the music) "Damn... these beats are so fresh... sssssssnap!"

#gi joe #porkchop sandwiches #who wants a body massage #GAME OVER YEAH #holy cow I'm totally going so fast AAAH FUCK

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