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parkers-gal · 3 years

Note

Heyy. Could you repost the fic where reader announces She s pregnant but gets scared that Peter will reject her so she breaks up with him? (I had requested part 2 of the 2 parts if I'm not wrong.) You don't have to ofc! Love you 💙💙

yep, i’ll post part two too!

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warnings: lol pregnancy, slight angst, cursing (characters are all 18+)

wc: 2k

There was a fine line between a lot of things, but being pregnant and not being pregnant was not one of those things. In hindsight, maybe Midtown should have told the students which condom brands were least effective, or maybe even May or Pepper. And just by luck, Y/N happened to have skipped her birth control pills for two days in a row, the two days she spent entirely with Peter. And now, though she didn't know it was inevitable, she was facing consequences she thought would come much later in life, if at all.

What would her parents say? How would Peter even react? Would she keep it? Would Peter support her either way?

She didn't want to find out the answers to any of the questions flying through her mind. In all honesty, she didn't want to ask the questions at all. Instead, she sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the cabinets as she let tears slip in realization that this was going to change her life forever.

Wiping off a few last stray tears, she tucked the test into the back of the cabinet before getting up and leaving the bathroom, grabbing her purse and making her way to the front door.

"Y/N, honey? Are you alright?" Her mother asked right before she left. "You were in there an awful long time, hun."

"'m fine, mom, just thinking. I'll be back, probably gonna get more of my stuff."

Y/N was just in the middle of moving out and into her own apartment. She was corning her last year of college, and she figured it was best to slowly transition into her own life as an independent adult. As of right now, her apprenticeship wasn't the best she could get, so she was only moving into the Avengers tower with the rest of the team until she got the promotion her mentor promised her. Despite being an avenger, she didn't actually work for Tony or Bruce, and she didn't depend on them as much as Peter did. She was still close with all of them, though.

Walking through the double doors, she gave a small nod and smile to George, the man who stood on guard at the entrance of the tower. Making her way to the elevators, she pressed the button and debated on what she was going to say to Peter.

The living quarters of the tower were two main floors, but the central living center had the kitchen, so most Avengers stayed there until "curfew," as Tony had called it.

Making her way through the halls, she passed the kitchen, where Bucky, Sam, Steve, Wanda, and Natasha were located, talking and drinking what must've been one of Steve's old fashioned drinks.

"Hey, Y/N," they greeted her individually. In response, she only nodded, trying to get to Peter as fast as possible. Furrowed brows and wide eyes they were, shocked at how closed off she was being. It was only when she left the room that Wanda gasped, staring at the spot Y/N had just been on.

"What?" Nat said quickly, urgently. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Back in Peter's room, Y/N had just knocked, Peter granting her access and she stepped inside, clutching her purse close to her as her breathing quickened and her pulse increased.

"Hey, babe," Peter said, his back to her as he fiddled with something on the bookshelf.

"P- .. Peter, we need to talk."

At this, he spun around, glancing in her eyes to try and decipher what she was thinking and what she was about to say. What came next was not what he expected.

"Okay."

"We need to break up."

"W-what? Why? I though- I thought w-"

"We just need to break up- I'm breaking up with you," she rushed out.

"Baby, come on, let's talk about this. Tell me why. Did I do something? Did something happen? I can make it better, I can change- make things right, c'mon don't just-"

"Peter I'm breaking up with you," she said, her voice cracking as she finally allowed the tears to flood her eyes. Peter was full on crying as she turned around and left his room. Thirty seconds passed before he went sprinting out of the room after her.

Wanda and Natasha had called just about every Avenger into the compound's kitchen, and just in time to see Y/N leaving with tearful eyes and Peter chasing after her.

Wanda hadn't explained to anyone what she had read in Y/N's mind. Though they knew something was up, they weren't prepared to witness the action of the words (or thoughts).

"Y/N," Peter breathed out. "Y/N!" he said again, gripping her wrist to spin her around. "Why? Why the fuck would you just drop that? What happened to us?"

"Don't make this harder than it has to be, Parker."

"I'm not! I just want to know why the girl I'm in love with is leaving me so sudden! Don't you think I at least deserve to know why?"

A few more tears fell down her face before she exhaled. "I wish.. I wish I could tell you, Peter."

"Well why don't you?!"

"I- I can't."

"Did you stop loving me? Was that it? Did I do something?"

"I didn't stop loving you. I could never stop loving you-"

"Then why are you giving up on us?!" Peter exclaimed with defeat, both of his hands pulling at his hair before covering his face as he started crying again.

Y/N stepped forward, hesitantly about to reach out to console him before deciding against it and leaving altogether.

When she was gone, Wanda breathed loudly, Natasha doing the same.

"Peter.." Nat said, walking towards him slowly. "Are you... alright-?"

"She just- did it!" Peter whined out, abruptly cutting her off. Natasha rushed forward to catch him and he gripped her tight as he cried out to whichever god cursed him.

"We need to talk," Wanda whispered to Nat, before filing out and leaving the two alone.

***

"What the fuck was that about?" Sam exclaimed in the training room. The Avengers had resorted to the gym for some privacy, knowing neither Y/N nor Peter would come willingly unless they had scheduled training, which neither did.

"Seriously, though," Bucky replied. "They were doing so well, things were going so great-"

"Okay everyone just sit down!" Wanda exclaimed, pacing back and forth as Natasha stood next to her, rubbing her forehead in thought.

"Do you know why?" Steve asked after a moment.

When Wanda didn't vocalize her response, merely making guilty eye contact, the Avengers knew.

"Of course you know," Bruce said.

"Okay, what's this about?" Tony said, coming through the doors, a few minutes late.

"Y/N just broke up with Peter," Loki stated blandly.

"What the fuck?"

"I know, right?" Steve said, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and sympathy for the pair.

"And.." Tony glanced back and forth between Nat and Wanda and the rest of the crew. "Wanda knows?"

"Mhmm," Nat hummed.

"Well, wouldn-"

"Y/N is pregnant," Wanda blurted out.

The silence that overcame the group was deafening. Pure shock and surprise were overwhelming emotions as the heroes struggled to wrap their minds around the realization, the truth.

"Holy fuck," Sam whispered.

"That's why.. she broke up with Pete?" Bucky said.

"Mhmm," Wanda hummed back quickly. "I could feel the anxiety she had. I think she let it get the best of her. She was still in shock, still panicking. I don't think she's known for long."

"We have to do-"

"No, we don't do anything. Nobody says a thing, nobody does a thing," Natasha informed strictly. "I swear to fuck if any of you do something I will come for you myself. Let Wanda and me handle this. You all don't know the start about female anatomy."

"Yes, ma'am," Bucky replied, the others nodding in agreement.

***

About a week later, Y/N was walking into the training room. She saw Steve, Natasha, Peter, Tony, and Bucky standing around talking about something, and as much as she wanted to avoid him, she also knew that she had to attend training.

"Hey, Y/N/N," Tony greeted. "I'm making some schedule changes."

"Okay.." she said after a moment, putting her bag on the bench as she glanced at his clipboard before making eye contact again.

"Pete, you're in for four days a week, each a two hour session. You'll spar with Steve for two sessions, five mile runs with Nat, power training with Bucky and Sam, you know the drill."

"Y/N," he started, flipping a page. "I'm.. cutting your sessions to thirty minutes each. Only twice a week."

"What the fuck, why, Tony?" She asked.

"Yeah, that seems unreasonable and unfair. She gets less time and I get more?" Peter joined.

"Well, I just want to be cautious with the baby on the way and all that," Tony said nonchalantly.

Time seemed to freeze as the group went dead silent, all except for Peter.

"Baby? What baby? What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked, glancing between Tony and Y/N. "Y/N? Ar- are you- are you pregnant?"

She closed her eyes and exhaled, her hands clammy and sweaty as they were balled into fists.

"I'-I'm..."

"Is that why you broke up with me?" he said, his voice dropping to a whisper as the realization hit him. "You thought you'd leave me before I had the chance to do that do you?"

"I can't do this right now," Y/N breathed, rushing out of the room. Peter ran after her, and Natasha punched Tony in the arm once they had left.

"Y/N, Y/N!" Peter exclaimed, catching up to her and spinning her around. "Is it true?"

She closed her eyes before nodding again. When she opened her lids, her eyes were glossy and red, "Yeah."

"Were you ever going to tell me?" he whispered, voice cracking.

"I don't- I don't know, Peter! I was so afraid you were going to break up with me or leave me or that you were going to hate me if I didn't keep it or that my parents would disown me or some shit like that! I just did it first to avoid it all."

"Avoid it all?" Peter repeated. "I love you, Y/N," he stated, grabbing both of her hands. "A baby isn't going to change that, whether you keep it or you don't. It's your body, so it's your choice," he said, and her head rolled in disbelief as she sighed. "I love you," he stated again, tightening his grip on her hands. "And you're carrying my baby. Did you ever think I'd be happy?"

"Peter we're so young, basically fresh out of high school-"

"I know it's unplanned, Y/N, and that makes it so scary. But I would never abandon you like that."

"I really love you, Peter," Y/N huffed out, her tears beginning to free fall now.

"I know baby," Peter said while pulling her into his chest and embracing her for the first time in a week.

After a few moments, Y/N's breathing evened out and Peter spoke up. "Are... are you going to keep it?" he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

Her throat was sticky from crying, and after a few seconds, she answered. "I am."

Peter held her at arm's length to look at her, really look at her, and he kneeled down and kissed her stomach, voicing his excitement and feelings.

The Avengers, who were watching from the doorway of the training room, smiled in relief, a few of them wiping stray tears and rubbing their eyes to regain their composure.

"God they're growing up," Tony whispered.

"Not just yet," Pepper fired back, glancing at the pair before grinning herself, thankful they were in this together.

(part two is out)

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sarahjtv · 3 years

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BNHA Chapter 306 Spoilers Quick Thoughts: Holy Shit, Deku

Ok, I’ve decided to wait until I read the ReadMHA fan translations to make a full “Spoiler Thoughts” post because it’s easier for me to look at them than look back and fourth at various Twitter accounts to get the full picture. Regarless, THIS CHAPTER OH MY GOD!!!!!!! I haven’t been this antsy for leak images since the “Dabi is Touya Todoroki” reveal. I wanted to write this last night, but I was already in bed crying and screaming my head off that I couldn’t. Now that I have most of it processed, I need to write down some quick thoughts at least to get some stuff out:

First of all, I need to address THE BALLS ON HORIKOSHI-SENSEI FOR PULLING THIS SHIT OUT ON US AND MAKING IT WORK SWEET JESUS I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL!!!!!! THIS MAN BAITED US WITH THE 2ND AND 3RD ONE FOR ALL USERS AND MAYBE SOME THERAPY FOR OUR KIDS BUT NOPE! HE JUST PULLED THE RUG UNDER ALL OF US AND THEN MADE DEKU LEAVE UA AND GO ALL VIGILANTE ON OUR ASSES!!!!! I HATE IT HERE BUT I ALSO LOVE IT HERE I-

Second of all, the big topic that we all need to talk about: Deku leaving UA and everyone else to go off on his own.

Out of all the twist Horikoshi has pulled on us, I think this is the biggest and most unexpected one. I honestly did think that some UA students would quit trying to be Pro Heroes after the war because of how much corruption and trauma has been brought to the surface. But, Deku was one of the last people on my mind. Out of all the characters in this series, I would think Deku would stay and prove to everyone that it’s ok to keep striving towards being a hero. But, no... He still wants to be a hero, but not the way any of us expected.

Before Deku left, he wrote and left individual letter for every one of his fellow 1-A students (and hopefully his mom, All Might, Mirio, and Eri (OH, ERI ;~;)). In it, he tells them the truth about One For All and why Shigaraki and All For One are after him. Of course, all the kids are devastated. What’s interesting to me is that we didn’t get reactions from everyone, it was mainly Uraraka. This makes me wonder a few things:

1. If Deku wrote these out individually (his arms probably mostly healed at this point b/c he’s using them in the last page), I wonder if he wrote anything special for some of them. Especially the people he’s close to. Like, I need to know what he wrote to Iida, to Uraraka, to Inko, to All Might, TO SHOTO, TO BAKUGO.

2. WE DON’T GET TO SEE SHOTO’S AND BAKUGO’S REACTIONS TO DEKU LEAVING THEM AND I NEED TO SEE THEM NOW! I DON’T CARE HOW SAD AND ANGSTY IT WILL BE I NEED TO SEE THEM! I WANT TO SEE SHOTO BE A LITTLE BETRAYED BY THE LYING BUT ALSO COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING THAT DEKU DID THIS TO KEEP EVERYONE SAFE! I NEED TO SEE BAKUGO WONDERING WHERE HIS DAMN NERD WENT AND MAYBE TRY TO FIND HIM BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY OTHER STUDENT WHO KNEW ABOUT OFA! I KNOW I’M SCREAMING BUT AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The final panel takes place in April, about a month after the war started and ended. We weren’t given a specific timeline in when exactly Deku left UA, but it’s somewhere within that month. So, does this mean he’s been on his own for nearly a month? What has he been doing this entire time?

And that final double-page spread... Good lord almighty. It shows Deku standing on top of a building looking down at a villain attacking the city. He’s in his hero costume but it’s all ripped up and worn out (probably what remains of it after the war arc. I noticed his air gauntlets and arm bracers are gone too after looking at Deku again. He still has his iron soles for his Shoot Style though). He has his backpack on him and what looks like the rest of Gran Torino’s cape. It hasn’t been confirmed if Gran Torino is alive or dead if Deku took his cape, but I can only assume he died based on Deku’s sad face and that there’s honestly no way Torino survived his injuries I’m sorry. I’d be shocked if he were alive at this point.

And the last panel... Deku looks so tired. The light in his eyes is just gone as he says “A big villain” while looking out at the city. Bringing us back to Chapter 1 of BNHA where one of Deku’s first pieces of dialogue was “A big villain!” while watching it rampage in the middle of the city. Everything’s come full circle it seems and in the most depressing way possible. I feel so bad for Deku. He’s only 16 and even though his will to be a hero is still strong, I feel like a part of him has died honestly. That childlike hope and innocence he’s shown since the very beginning doesn’t look to be there anymore. My boy’s exhausted, Horikoshi, please give him a break. And give yourself one too.

I wonder, if Deku is still doing hero work, but isn’t at UA anymore, does this mean he’s a vigilante? I know he has his Provisional License, but does that thing even work if you’re not enrolled in the Hero Program you went to? Because if it doesn’t, then Deku has technically gone full vigilante. He looks like he’s about to put his bunny mask on in that last panel actually. His current state of his costume screams vigilante to me even. I’m really interested in seeing what Deku’s been doing and what he’s going to do now. We know he left UA to protect everyone he cares about (because OFA is like a beacon to AFO now), but how long is he going to keep this up? Is he going to run into Bakugo or anyone else in the meantime? Is he going to run into the vigilantes from the BNHA Spin-off manga (Koichi, Pop-Step, Knuckleduster) or other vigilantes? Is he ever going to see his friends and mom again? Will any of our UA kids drop out of the hero course too? I have so many questions, guys. I want to go back to high school shenanigans, but that’s clearly not happening soon.

Finally, the chapter appears to be titled “The Beginning of The End” or “Opening of Final Chapter”. Ngl, I legit thought that this meant that the series was really ending like Horikoshi talked about in his last interview. I took that with a grain of salt, but I don’t know anymore. This could mean an end to the whole “Academia” part of the story. We might get a big time-skip like Naruto, One Piece, Haikyuu, and a lot of other manga did before it. I kinda don’t want this to happen because I like seeing characters grow in chronological order and Horikoshi-sensei has been pretty good at twisting the usual tropes, but I don’t know this time guys. The chapter ends on a good spot to do a big time-skip if Horikoshi wants. But, honestly, everything’s up in the air right now. I have so many theories in my head right now about what might happen next. This is truly some peak fiction though like goddamn. I really hope this doesn’t mean that we’re reaching the final arc of the series, but if Horikoshi want it to be, then I have no choice but to respect that. I really hope it isn’t though.

Me after the insanity that was this chapter:

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catwithangerissues · 3 years

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WEEKLY EVENT I HEAR ? time to crawl out of my little cave dwelling !! ☺️💛

romantic please, since ima hopeless romantic and can’t get enough of that !! 😖 I don’t know if it has to be current time or favorite time, so I’ll just say both just in case.. ? current is 5 p.m and favorite time is 1 a.m ! and as much as I wanna ask for kyōtani, I’ll try and do someone who might be a little easier i hope — tanaka !! ( I think it’s clear that I might have a type 🤭🥺 )

<3 <3 <3 much love !!! take your time and be sure to take breaks !! if this stresses you in anyway, you can delete, I don’t wanna be a bother ! 🥺☺️

Bb I’d write Kyo for you any day😌 but have some Tanaka! Love this chaotic fella😌 Thank you for always interacting with our events! I’m so grateful and it always makes me smile!! And youre never a bother!! Don’t think that ever, please :) <3 also! You can thank @sunalma for helping come up with the scenario for this one! 😌

1:03am

It hadn’t been a long night so far, but you knew that was about to change. You and your long time friend group had rented a house for the next few days- as a means to get away from your work and school lives for a little vacation. Amongst the seven of you, Tanaka, your long time crush from high school, was also there.

After getting settled in, you all had come to the realization that it was getting pretty late, it was your first night in the house, so going on wasn’t the best idea- especially given that it was nearing 1 in the morning and it was snowing outside.

You’d all settled on playing a game of truth or dare, much like your group used to do when you were younger and all hung out.

A few pizzas and other snacks were sat in various parts of the small living room, a few people with drinks in their hands and a couple bottles laying around ready to be opened. A few individuals sitting on the floor, one of your buddies laying upside down on the couch, one laying with their feet in the air on the floor, and another sitting normally on the couch cushions tucked into a blanket- in all your respective places. It really reminded you of the good old days with your friends, and you found yourself smiling at how you guys truly never changed, even when life around you all did.

About an hour into the game, a spin of the bottle in the middle of your circle decided it was your turn to suffer through whatever your friends wanted you to endure. You knew they cared about you dearly and would never force you to do anything that would harm you, but the fun of the game was coming up with outrageous ideas, so you knew what to expect from previous rounds.

You replayed the comforting message in your head over and over until your best friend decided on their dare for you. You nearly choked on your drink upon hearing it.

“Jump in the pool, right now.”

A round of laughter spilled from the circle, and you couldn’t help but playfully remind them that it was the dead of night, winter, and snowing. They didn’t have much sympathy for you, since your best friend, the one who chose the house you’d be staying in, knew the temperature of the water could be changed in the pool, which is why it hadn’t frozen over despite the frigid temperature outside.

You pouted, not wanting to jump into the pool in your shorts and tshirt all while it was snowing outside- but you knew they wouldn’t give you time to change. An all too familiar voice rang through the air with laughter behind it as you began to fall backwards onto the floor with your arms spread- mumbling a complaint towards the ceiling about your choice of a dare over another truth.

“I’ll join you, it can’t be that bad! Come on, it’ll be fun!” Tanaka was always a sweetheart, and one of the reasons you’d fallen for him so long ago was because he was always considerate of others. He didn’t want you to go alone, especially since it was 1am and he also was in the unknown about the pools temperature changing. If you were gonna suffer, he decided he’d want in on all the fun. ;)

Making your way to the back door, he slid it open and the two of you were immediately bombarded with a bite of the cold air. Shivering already, you tossed aside anything you had on you that you didn’t want wet, Tanaka following suit, and padded your way across the worn wooden porch to examine where you’d be jumping momentarily.

The porch awning was adorned with warm colored string lights, and other than that the only light was from the glass windows and door attached to the house, and the color changing ones on the walls of the pool interior. You had to admit, it made for beautiful scenery- with the flurries of snow complimenting the environment around you. You mentally gave your best friend credit for finding such a little slice of heaven.

After closing the door behind the two of you, a few of your friends appeared behind the glass recording the scene about to unfold for future blackmail- probably when they wanted food but were too lazy to go get it themselves.

Amongst the few, your best friend slid a hand to the remote that lay dormant on the table, turning up the temperature to the pool. F/n knew of your crush on Tanaka, but they didn’t tell you of their plan to get you two alone together.

“On three?” The bald boy asked, grabbing your hand in his proportionally much larger one and nodding his head to the side. He could see your shivering, but he had taken note of the steam beginning to arise from the water.

“Yeah, sure, you count!” You rushed, gripping his hand tightly, maybe it wasn’t only because you were cold, but also that you needed to get this dare over with or else you just knew you’d say something embarrassing around the cute boy.

On a count of three, you both jumped into the pool, and after the initial shock of the spontaneity from the situation, you rose above the warm water, shaking the water off of your face and rubbing your eyes. Tanaka smiled brightly at you, both slightly panting, the two of you laughing together and basking in the situations entertainment.

The cold breeze nipped at your exposed body, your tshirt clinging to you and beginning to freeze. You sank back down into the steamy water, and watched with brightly entertained eyes as Tanaka began his usual chaotic tendencies- flinging off his shirt and splashing around in the water, hoping out of the pool just to dive back in before popping up nearer to you and laughing so loud you swore it could be heard inside the house.

“Let’s hang out here for a while, we’ve been playing for so long, and the waters warm.” He suggested, he looked so hopeful and excited, he linked his hand with yours once again and pulled you into the middle of the water upon the nod of your head. Giving a small wave to your friends behind the glass, they all went back to the living room to continue their game, leaving you two alone.

After a few more minutes of swimming around, jumping into the water, and general fun with Tanaka, a moment of stillness and quiet had spread over you two- the only noises being the sloshing of water and muffled laughter coming from the house. It all added to the ambiance, and you found yourself smiling brightly while looking up at the sky- the dark sky that made the moon look so much brighter than it did in the busy city, and the stars that looked like you could reach up and grab them with how bright they were.

You were so busy admiring the sky, the voice next to you startled you out of your little daydream.

“Ya know, I’m already really enjoying this trip. And I hardly ever get all sentimental, but it’s just too beautiful out not to right now.” You smiled at the boy, the colorful pool lights complimenting his features, and agreeing with his comment about the sky, but while you were back staring at the stars and the moon, he wasn’t exactly sure you knew what he was talking about.

“Y/n, I need to tell you something that I’ve been putting off for a while now. I don’t know how you’ll react to this, but just hear me out, okay?” He warily began, his eyes held a fear but hopefulness as well, and you couldn’t quite place what he was thinking, but a pit in your stomach grew nonetheless.

A nod of your head signaling him to continue, he found himself looking anywhere but you while he uncharacteristically mumbled his words, “I’ve liked you since high school, and I was always scared to tell you because I didn’t think you felt the same way. This trip gave me the opportunity to confess in a way that wouldn’t be so stressful, with life not being able to get in the way, but now that I think about it,, if you don’t feel the same way it could be even more stressful cause you’re gonna be stuck with me for the next few days- dammit, I didn’t mean to—“ he began to outwardly worry and fidget as the words kept spilling from his lips, until you interrupted his sentence by pulling him into a tight embrace.

“I’ve always felt that way for you, Tanaka. I always thought you were set on winning over Shimizu, so I kinda gave up on the idea of ever confessing to you. But I’m so happy you told me.” You nuzzled into his shoulder with a grateful smile on your face, and he slowly went from shocked to overjoyed- hugging you back even tighter, his large arms squeezing you and his laughter once again ringing through the night.

“Holy shit, I was so scared there for a minute! But did you really not know how I felt about you? I slipped up like a year ago and told b/f/n how I felt about you, I figured they would’ve shared? And you don’t have to worry about Shimizu, she was kind of a cover up for you.” He sounded surprised but still laughed through his words. “Nope, I guess even if they had, my own insecurities would’ve made me overthink the whole thing, and they probably knew that, so they kept it a secret. Sure wish the little shit had told me now though.” You both laughed at your comment, exchanging a few more sarcastic ones, but after another minute, Tanaka laying his forehead on yours brought you back to reality.

It was silent but judging by the wide grin he had and closed eyes, he was content with holding you in his arms for however long you would let him.

You hadn’t planned for it to be such a long night, but as you were getting ready for bed later that night, the kiss on your forehead your long time crush now turned boyfriend left brought a wide smile to your face, and it all felt worth it- even if you knew you’d be dead tired in the morning.

What you didn’t know, was that your best friend had watched the last part of your romantic winter pool scene unfold, and was definitely super smug about their plan, unbeknownst to either of you, that had worked out perfectly.

Taglist: @toworuu @sunalma

🌱I hope you liked the concept! This was again- supposed to be a drabble but,, we all know it’s a lie when I say that I’ll write something short. 😌😅 lmk what you think with this one!

#weeklypromptevent #haikyu #haikyuu #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu fluff #haikyuu matchup #haikyuu matchups #hq tanaka #tanaka ryuunosuke #tanaka x reader #tanaka x y/n #tanaka fluff #tanaka ryuu x reader #ryuunosuke x reader

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artemisunicorn · 3 years

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Naruto Shippuden Openings Ranked

Aight y'all, I said I would do this months ago, so here we are.

Just like my last ranking post, I have no real reasons as to why I like this OP over that one. They're just poor reasons and explanations that I'll probably change my mind about after posting.

But yeah, this is gonna be a long post, so let's get to it.

Also just a disclaimer- I had a very difficult time ranking the openings, especially at the bottom. Just note that I like and enjoy every OP except one.

Actual ranking is below the cut because yay I can use my laptop to make posts now :D

Number 20 - Tsuki no Ookisa - OP 14

I always thought this was called “Size of the Moon” or something like that

This OP

Oh boy

I used to just hate this one with a passion

And I still do!

Okay not literally, but it’s still my least favorite

I see what they were going for

Red, black and white vibes

It’s….okay?

And the song

Yeeesh

It just doesn’t make me feel anything but the huge urge to skip it

I’m so sorry if you really like this OP but goodness I really don’t like it

It’s one of the only ones I don’t like vs don’t mind

I will say

The end though?

Where its showing the freeze frames of everyone

That looks great

Itachi at the beginning looks great

It definitely has its moments, but just not enough to make me really enjoy it

Number 19 - Hotaru no Hikari - OP 5

Or as I like to call it

SHA LA LA-

I already know y'all but to come for me on this one I'm sorry

This opening is,,,okay…

Now that I’ve seen all of them, I kinda have this bias of “I know what the next opening is and that’s a whole BANGER” so I kinda sleep on this one

But its not bad

I always love the Naruto and Sasuke parallel shots

Just not up there for me

Number 18 - Guren - OP 15

Another OP I lowkey just disregard after watching all of them because we all know what follows this one

But it’s not bad at all

I love the split screens

And then it all comes together

Kakashi and Obito’s split screen looks amazing

Actually, all of their shots look amazing

The song goes well with the visuals

I love the colors they used

Seeing Madara is always a treat

The shot of the hokage is good

But uhhh

Yeah that’s about all I got

Number 17 - Newsong - OP 10

Don't kill me plez

A lot of people don’t like this OP

I can see where they’re coming from

But it's goofy and wacky, and honestly not so bad

It ain’t nowhere near top tier, but I can enjoy it more times than not

The part where they’re running and do a lil jump

That took me out when I first saw it

The animation is supposed to accompany the wacky feel, and I feel that the animators had a lot of fun with this one

Overall, I don’t dislike this OP like most

I actually like it

But admittedly, it’s not strong

It’s very cute tho

It makes me smile

That team jutsu though

What the hell

I don’t know how I feel bout that

Also B falling

That was a nice addition

Also also Sasuke refused to be a part of this wacky ass OP which I love

Number 16 - Niwaka Ame ni mo Makezu - OP 13

This OP is fine

It doesn’t really do anything for me until the 5 Kage are shown fighting Madara

Which looks great by the way

But also gives me storm 3 war flashbacks

It’s pretty overall

Like all the parts with Naruto look really good

The individual shots of the 5 Kage and Sasuke are meh

I don’t really care for that part

Overall, ehhh

Number 15 - Moshimo - OP 12

I’m not gonna lie

I totally forgot about this OP

It’s fine

Nothing really excites me

I do like 2 parts though

Where Ay tries to punch Minato and he gets out of the way to fist bump baby B

And when Naruto is in the middle and it zooms out to show Kushina and Minato behind him

The song is good

Overall, okay opening

I was torn over whether to put this one above or below OP 13, but I decided above because I like the ending part more

Number 14 - Toumei Datta Sekai - OP 7

Another OP I really slept on

A lot of people really adore this one but I just don't see it??

It takes a second to kick off

It really only gets started for real when we see Pain and the trio’s flashbacks

After that, it’s pretty good

The music picks up, the visuals start getting quite interesting

And that Pain v Naruto moment where they just stare at each other and it shows both faces

Looks amazing

And of course, Kakashi brings some spice into the mix

It’s always a great time when we can see him in action

Makes me wish we got the girls v Konan though

But yeah, the shot with Naruto falling in

From then on, it's incredible

Number 13 - LINE - OP 18

From here on, these OPs are just the ones I love

This OP is a major breather

The song is very slow and nice

Visually, I love the choice in focusing on one thing at a time

Once character at a time

It looks very nice

The little destiny shard flying around

And I love how there’s variants in who interacts with the shard at the very end

My favorite is Itachi because he gives the shard to us and I’m not crying you are

It’s really pretty too

Not much to say here

I just really like it

It’s not top tier, but it’s a great OP nonetheless

Number 12 - Closer - OP 4

THAT SHOT AT THE BEGINNING

Where everyone is looking back

I absolutely love it

I absolutely must know if the budget was actually blown on Hidan spinning his scythe

The shot looks great though

Another vibe kinda opening

The ending is so cute with Naruto jumping in the air

they did that to cover the gaping hole in our hearts

ASUMA WHY

Also I completely forgot there was a second version until I saw it while pulling up the link

First version is better

Number 11 - Lovers - OP 9

That beginning part with the camera cutting and focusing on the three

Yeah that right there is great

And the explosion behind Killer B

Love that shit

They really went all out for the aesthetic kinda look

And it really pays off because the OP looks very very good

The song is pretty good too

But I probably wouldn’t listen to it outside of what’s in the OP

Every shot with Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura on the divide is really good

Number 10 - Blood Circulator - OP 19

Ah the top 10

Another song that is hype asf

I honestly prefer the third version with Naruto and Sasuke

But even still, this OP is pretty great

It’s a lot better visually in the second version because there’s not a lot of lingering shots

I love the shots of Minato, Kushina, Jiraiya, Orochimaru, Itachi and Iruka

But I also love that the whole first version is summed up in no time in the second and we move onto better shots

But the third version is the best visually

With the fights and flashbacks

And the ending with Sasuke staring and Naruto crying and then they fight

That rasengan is great

But even still, all versions look pretty good

I really don’t have that much to say about this one

I enjoy it quite a lot

Number 9 - Hero’s Come Back!! - OP 1

Everybody and they mama be dancing to this I swear

It’s a bop and a half

Honestly what a great way to start the series

I’m bopping every time it comes on

And that shot of Gaara holding out his hand before he don’t feel so good

My heart

I mean, what else can I say about this one

It’s just great

3..2..1 MAKE SOME NOISE

Number 8 - Totsugeki Rock - OP 11

First things first

THE SONG????

IT’S A WHOLE BOP

EVERY TIME I HEAR IT

I GET SO HYPE

Naruto’s face at the beginning caught me off guard the first time I saw it

Visually, this OP isn’t bad at all

I actually really enjoy this OP a lot

It makes me dance and headbang lmao

I would say the song carries this one, but nah

The visuals really go well with the song

I really don’t have much to say about this one

It really is just so fun and hype

And I really love it

Number 7 - Kaze - OP 17

This OP is very pretty

It’s another one I slept on

It’s animated so well

All of the freeze frames we see are stunning

And it’s animated very well

Also long Kakashi segments always get extra points from me

And this one is gorgeous so even more points

I love the kinda traditional style they were aiming for with the textures

The cuts to the hand signs are good too

Also in sync with the music which y’all know I love

The aesthetics in general are just so lovely

NIGHT GUY YESSSS

HE LOOK AMAZING IN THIS STYLE

This OP has some of the best visuals in all of the OPs

I can’t even express how beautiful it looks

And seeing Minato and Rin slowly fade by as Obito falls and Kaguya is revealed

So good

The song goes well with the visuals too

The song in general slaps

Overall, very good

Number 6 - Distance - OP 2

YOU ARE MY FRIEND

Okay SUE ME, I’M A BITCH FOR DISTANCE OKAY

I just love this mcfuckin opening so much

It caught my attention when I first started watching Shippuden

And it’s very pleasing to look at

Also that “Thank you my friend”

Hits me every time

And overall it’s a vibe kinda opening

The walking scenes are the best

Not a lot going on on the eyes, but it still looks really good

Honestly, it’s probably my favorite OP, but it’s not the best OP

And I’m a sucker for the emotions

And this OP brings it hard

It’s definitely ranked higher than most would put it, but I can only put it so low

I love this OP so much

Number 5 - Karano Kokoro - OP 20

Holy fuck

This OP

Damn near brings me to tears every time

This OP was,,,,well,,the end

This was the conclusion of the story

And my goodness y’all

It still hits me in the feels

The visuals with this one carry it on home

It hits hard seeing everyone growing up

Let’s talk about the visuals shall we

Starting right from the beginning

Shikamaru just sitting as the music comes in

By the way, the music fits so well with everything

But yeah, seeing him just look up with this soft music just warming your heart

And then it cuts to the shogi board so we know exactly what he’s thinking about

Then to Sasuke

Sasuke

With everything that’s happened with him, just seeing him be able to just breathe

It’s everything y’all

And then we get to see Naruto’s stone face up there with the rest of the hokage and then to this lovely vibe

Naruto and Sasuke doing the hand sign that saved the world

"Tell me the story of your life"

That shit right there

They knew what they were doing when they chose this song y'all

InoShikaCho eating some barbeque

Kiba being loved to death by Akamaru and Hinata smiling

Do y’all see why this just makes me so happy yet?

Free Kakashi points

The shot of Naruto as hokage

That part got me good when I first saw it

And even a little now

Lee, TenTen, and Temari showing that they’ve still got it

The zoom in on InoShikaCho to Ino saving Sai

THE WHOLE EVOLUTION OF NARUTO AND SASUKE

THE HIGH FIVE

THE P I C T U R E

HOW ARE Y’ALL NOT CRYING

The story has finally come full circle

And there's finally peace

It’s just overwhelming happiness

I really love this OP so much

Number 4 - Blue Bird - OP 3

HABATAITARA MODORANAI TO ITTE

Blue Bird slaps

Visually, it’s absolutely incredible

Like that one part

Y’all know that part I’m talking about

Where Sasuke and Naruto do that parallel switch

*chefs kiss*

It’s just so good

AND THAT’S ONLY ONE PART

THE WHOLE THING IS JUST SO PERFECT

AND IT REALLY GOES SO WELL WITH THE SONG

Y’all better know by now how much I love the visuals synced with the music

And this song delivers on that

I know I have so much to say about this one, but I’m not gonna remember to say it until after I post

I prefer the second version (even though it’s just the same animation from Closer)

MEZASHITA NO WA

AOI AOI ANO SORA

Number 3 - Diver - OP 8

Let me get this out of the way

I LOVE Diver

It’s another OP that just always got my attention from the get go

They really calmed down with the visuals on this one

Instead opting to have the very pleasing gentle visuals that match so well with the song

And then he gets blasted out of the water and it gets SO GOOD UGH

All the hidden gems you don’t recognize until you rewatch it after seeing everything come together

I love that

And then Sasuke coming in to get all up in Naruto’s personal space just to fuckin chidori the shit out of him

It’s quite sad

But then his friends just lift him up

My heart

Then he wastes no time just rushing in to save Sasuke in the same 30 seconds as when Sasuke attacked him

It really shows his character

But also it was a whole direct reference to how Sasuke was looking over him back when he first left in the rain

That’s the subtle little hidden gems I love to see

Also the music just slaps so hard???

Like hello??

Who told y’all to make something so good????

And did I mention that I just love the visuals??

Number 2 - Sign - OP 6

EVERYBODY SHUT UP THIS IS MY SHIT

I REALIZE THE SCREAMING PAIN

HEARING LOUD IN MY BRAIN

BUT I’M GOING STRAIGHT AHEAD WITH THE SCAR

*drums going ham and guitar absolute shredding*

CAN YOU HEAR ME

SO AM IIIIIIIIIII

Okay now that that’s out of the way,,

THIS SONG FUCKING GOES HARD Y’ALL

IT’S SO HYPE

I am ashamed to admit that I used to sleep on this OP

Wait….

Both Sign and Silhouette have people turning to look at the camera-

And they’re both so good…

Dare I say…

Is this a….SIGN

I’ll leave now..

The opening part with Jiraiya and Naruto and then Sasuke and Itachi

My heart y’all please

AND THEN THE CHORUS

AND THE VISUALS

Y’ALLLL

ALL THE SHIT WAS GOING DOWN IN THIS ARC

AND THE VISUALS STILL GET ME HYPED TO THIS DAY

EVERY MOMENT IS JUST GREAT

There really isn’t a single second where I wanna look away

I can’t gush about this OP enough y’all

It’s so damn good

Also y’all know I gotta mention the hair whip

I’ve never felt pain like I did for Jiraiya and Itachi

It still hurts

But the OP

It’s just amazing

It still gives me goosebumps

UGH OKAY OKAY I’M DONE GUSHING

OR ELSE I’LL GO ON FOREVER

OKAY ONE MORE THING

But as I’m rewatching all of the OPs for this, I just fell all the way in love with the show again because of this OP

Number 1 - Silhouette - OP 16

Speaking of silhouette

We all been knew

From the get go, it’s just a blast

The song and visuals are a match made in heaven

Oh, and don’t think I won’t be gushing about them individually

Firstly

The song

KANA-BOON need to chill bruh

This song is SO GOOD

A BANGER

A BOP

WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT

THEY WENT TOO HARD ON THIS SONG

I DON’T UNDERSTAND

AND THE LOOK OF THE OP???

STARTING WITH EVERYONE TURNING TO THE CAMERA ONLY FOR OBITO TO SHATTER IT WITH HIS LOOK

TO THE WHOLE SERIES RECAP UP TO THAT MOMENT

IT’S AMAZING

I CAN’T EVEN PUT IT INTO WORDS Y’ALL

The colors pop

It’s so pleasing to the eye

All of the transitions and smooth animations

Like Obito and Madara aging up (and down)

The quick flash of baby Kakashi and baby Obito before we even see Madara’s aging transitions

Y’all know I love the camera focus/glitch effect and it’s used a lot here

Naruto’s aging up while running

The switch between the static look to the smooth look

And the pencil drawn kinda look

They really went so hard on this OP

MADARA’S BREAKDANCE MOVES AND FLIPS?!?!??!

Everyone getting the cloak

That shot of Rin spinning in time with the music

ALL OF THE FAST CUTS OF WHAT’S TO COME AS THE GUITAR FINISHES UP THE SONG

Everything is always synced perfectly with the music and it really just makes it so much better

Especially because the song is so fast paced

To match up the visuals with individual words and not just full measures or half measures

Like just one example

Obito walking and him aging up

All synced with the music

Y’all

I can go on about this opening FOREVER

It’s a true masterpiece

Right, well that's my ranking. Took many hours but I'm pretty happy with it for now.

My ranking will be completely new by tomorrow morning

But yeah please hit me up if you disagree/agree with the ranking. I love discussing these kinds of things with people!

This is starting to sound like a youtube outro

Also unfortunately no gifs to make the post pretty this time ;-; I'm having technical difficulties.

#naruto #naruto uzumaki #naruto shippuden #sasuke #sasuke uchiha #ranking #long post #naruto spoilers #kakashi hatake #kakashi

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vagrantblvrd · 5 years

Text

Coming in Like Lightning (1/1)

Summary: The whole thing with Los Santos starts as a dumb bet, which should tell you everything you need to know right there.

Notes: Based off this fic idea I had a while back. (Because reasons.)

AO3

Geoff’s shooting the shit with Burnie in his office late one night. Sharing a bottle of whiskey between them while they reminisce about the good old days back when they were stupid kids just starting out in this life.

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and no idea what was ahead of them in their futures, but fucking hell were they determined to get there as fast as they could. Convinced they were headed for greatness and intent on making it happen no matter what it cost.

Looking back on it, it was pretty stupid of them. Should have gotten them killed, but somehow they made it work. Went from being a group of mismatched individuals to the driving force behind a criminal empire spanning the country, its reach growing longer each day.

“God, we were stupid,” Burnie laughs, some gray starting to slip in his beard, peppering his hair.

Creases at the corner of his eyes and lines around his mouth because the fucker laughs like no one else Geoff knows.

They’re not old, but they sure as hell aren’t young anymore.

“Christ,” Geoff says, grin on his face. “We still are.”

They really, really are.

Geoff watches the city skyline through those ridiculous windows of Burnie’s, and makes the mistake of telling the fucker there are times he feels like he might as well retire now.

They’ve got the next generation set up to take over now, hard-earned experience under their belts and this hunger to them they’ve lost along the way. Traded it for things, people, here and there as they grew the fuck up and realized money and power will only get you so far. That if you wanted to have anything worth keeping, you had to give something up for it.

They’ll learn that too one day, these kids. They’re smarter than the four of them ever were, and they’re not alone. Have the Founders standing behind them if they need it, but something tells Geoff they won’t. (Smart kids, after all.)

Burnie snorts and pours Geoff another round, eyebrow raised as Geoff reaches for it, corner of his mouth quirked.

Old bets made by stupid kids, and the whiskey burns as it goes down. Geoff knocking it back like it’s nothing because he used to have money riding on it, but now it’s more of a pride thing.

Burnie’s laugh fills the office, and a moment later Geoff’s joins it because it’s hard not to.

“That so,” Burnie says when his laughter trails off a while later.

Geoff shrugs, because hell if he’s done anything meaningful when it comes to the Roosters in a long while.

Burnie hums, and something to it reaches through the pleasant haze of alcohol, sharp enough to make him pay attention because he knows that thoughtful little hmm too damn well.

“Burns?”

There’s a thing, about the Founders.

About Burnie and Geoff in particular and all the stupid bets they’ve made over the years. From the stupidest shit to things that rocked the foundations of their city until everyone knew who the fuck the Roosters were. (Hullum and Gus and goddamned in the mix there somewhere, but for the most part they liked to stand back and wait until the dust settled before they made their move.)

“Los Santos,” Burnie says, and pulls out a shiny little tablet to bring up a map of the city. Spins it around to face Geoff with that same fucking smirk he gets when he thinks he’s about to get one over on someone. “You’ve heard of it?”

========

“So,” Jack says, so goddamned amused as he sits on the side of Geoff’s bed. “I hear we’re headed to Los Santos.”

Geoff rubs a hand over his face and tries to remember what the fuck happened the night before. His head hurts – hell, his everything hurts – and he feels old and wrung out. (Hangover, his old friend.)

Jack sighs, and for one small hopeful moment when he gets up, Geoff actually thinks he’s going to let him sleep it off, but of course he doesn’t.

This is Jack, and he’s a monster.

Geoff actually recoils with a hiss when Jack pulls the blinds up to let sunlight in. Tries to burrow under the tangle of blanket but Jack is relentless and merciless as all hell, ripping them out of his hands.

“Oh, fuck no,” Jack says, super nice and pleasant and anyone who says the man doesn’t have a mean bone in his body doesn’t know him half as well as they think they do. “Our flight leaves tomorrow, you need to fucking pack, you asshole.”

Geoff presses his face against the mattress in the vain hope he can smother himself because bits and pieces of the night before are coming back to him, but it doesn’t work.

“Up, Geoff,” Jack says, dumping the blankets on the floor beside the bed as he leaves. “You have a lot of shit to get done.”

Geoff sighs when he hears the door shut behind him, and flops over on his back like a fish out of water because -

He made a bet with Burnie, and those have always felt like making a deal with the devil. Chipping off another piece of his soul and handing it over in the hopes he’d win this time.

A soft chime fills the air, and Geoff turns his head towards the end table. Reaches over to snag the stupid tablet Burnie gave him as a going away present. When he unlocks it, the map of Los Santos is still up, and there's an email notification.

Common sense tells him not to open it, but Geoff’s shit at that, so he taps the icon.

It’s from Burnie, because of fucking course it is, and there’s an attachment. A video with last night’s date

No guesses as to what’s on it, but Geoff hits the play button anyway because he’s a glutton for punishment.

His dumb face comes up, drunk as fuck and throwing Burnie’s original bet in his face. Telling him he can make Los Santos his bitch in under a year, because Geoff is an idiot but drunk Geoff is a million times stupider.

“Oh, Christ,”Geoff mutters, tablet falling from hands to hit him in the face, video still playing if a bit muffled now “I’m so fucking stupid.”

And because the universe hates him that much, Burnie in the the video starts laughing.

========

Geoff decides to swear off drinking, because all it’s ever done for him was get him in trouble, and this stupid bet he’s agreed to is looking to be much the same.

========

The airport’s crowded as always, bustling crowds and harried people trying to get wherever the hell they’re headed with a minimum of fuss. Most manage to do so, others get the short stick and the rest just get shit on.

Geoff and Jack are somewhere in the middle at the moment. Flight delayed due to inclement weather and Jack’s on top of it.

Speaking of, Geoff looks over at Jack, knot of guilt eating him up because Jack’s got a life here. A good life, nothing like what they had when the Roosters were starting to gain a foothold in this city.

And because Geoff is an idiot with a big mouth, he’s uprooting Jack and dragging him halfway across the country on a fucking bet.

“Jack - “

“Shut the fuck up, Geoff,” Jack says, not unkindly

Geoff shuts the fuck up, waits patiently until Jack’s done with whatever he’s doing and looks up at him.

He doesn’t look angry or annoyed, or even particularly troubled at this sudden upheaval in his life, and more like fondly exasperated.

“Uh - “

“If you think,” Jack starts, mild tone of voice that’s honestly terrifying because Jack. “Geoff, if you think I’m going to let you head off to goddamned Los Santos on one of your stupid bets alone, I will straight up fucking murder you.”

Strangely touching, if a bit alarming.

“...okay?” Geoff tries, and breathes a sigh of relief when Jack smiles at him.

“Good,” Jack says, and clears his throat, eyes skipping away from Geoff’s as he goes back to his phone.

Geoff fidgets, shifting his weight from foot to foot before he deiced the hell with it and grabs Jack in an awkward little side hug.

“Thanks Jack,” he murmurs, relieved more than he can say.

Jack huffs in annoyance, and pulls Geoff into a proper hug, complete with super manly back slapping because he’s a brute.

“You’re welcome, asshole. Now let’s never talk about this again, the way men are supposed to.”

Geoff snorts a laugh, shoulders shaking as Jack breaks down laughing as well because they’re a pair of idiots and it’s kind of awesome.

========

To be fair, Burnie didn’t send the two of them to Los Santos to die.

He sent the two of them to Los Santos to handle the expansion of the Rooster’s criminal empire, which might look a hell of a lot like the same thing from the outside, but it is not.

Mostly not, anyway.

They have an old warehouse renovated with living spaces. A small support team to make sure once Geoff and Jack get things rolling they stay that way. A list of reliable contacts who Geoff is going to have to schmooze properly to get things rolling. Requisite funding from the Roosters until they’re turning a profit out here.

Not exactly starting from scratch, but in a city like this, it’s still a hell of a challenge.

The parameters of the bet are for Geoff to set up a crew of his own out here, grow its operations until they have the city under their control, and that -

“Holy shit,” Geoff murmurs, watching the news. “This place is worse than back home.”

Which makes sense, because the Roosters have been running things there for a long time. Stamp out trouble before it starts and keeps everyone in line. Actually made the city safer for everyone there, and for whatever godforsaken reason drunk Geoff told Burnie he could do the same in Los Santos.

“You’ve got meetings today,” Jack says was he wanders over to set the tablet Burnie gifted him with down. “A lot of them.”

Reluctantly, Geoff picks the tablet up and scrolls through the appointments. Scrolls.

“Jesus dicks,” he mutters, because he hates meetings.”How much shit would Burnie give me if I backed out now?”

Jack hmms as he strokes his beard like he’s thinking about it.

“Well,” Jack says, like the bastard he is. “The answer you’re looking for here is a metric shit-ton, I believe? But you’re also forgetting all the shit the rest of the Founders will give you. And myself, among others.”

The entire fucking organization, Geoff knows, because everyone in the damn crew is an asshole, and Geoff hates them all.

“Okay, yeah,” he concedes. “Point.”

========

After the first full day of meetings, Geoff wants a goddamned drink.

“I want a goddamned drink,” Geoff groans, chin resting on his folded arms as Jack organizes Geoff’s meetings for tomorrow.

Sure, he’s sworn off drinking, but Geoff really fucking hates meetings and there’s a hell of a lot of them in his foreseeable future.

Driving all over the damn city to meet paranoid, greedy fuckers to make sure they don’t accidentally kick off a gang war.

“That’s nice, Geoff,” Jack mumbles absently. “There’s diet soda in the mini-fridge.”

Geoff feels his mouth pull up in a tired smile as he gets up to grab one, and grabs a beer for Jack while he’s at it.

========

Geoff’s schedule over the next few weeks is pretty much the same old same old.

Get up, make himself presentable, charm the fuck out of people so as not to get himself and the people relying on him not to fuck this up killed. Maybe, if he’s lucky, strike a deal of two that’ll bring in come money, allow them to expand their operation out here.

Catch shaky camera footage of himself and Jack on the news and see reporters and so-called experts debating what it means for the city of Los Santos for a Rooster of his standing to be here.

Call Burnie up and demand to know why the fucker didn’t tell him they’ve broken up after a decades long love affair in which Geoff turned angry and bitter and left to start his own crew.

“Torrid, asshole. Our torrid love affair,” Burnie corrects between gasps of air, and Geoff grins as he pictures that idiot laughing himself sick over the tabloids Geoff sent to him. “And also, fuck you for breaking my goddamned heart.”

Geoff leans back in his office chair and kicks his feet up on his desk because it’s been a long couple of weeks and he kind of misses the son of a bitch.

“It’s what you get for breaking mine first, fucker.”

Burnie’s laughter peters off after a bit, but Geoff can still hear the smile in his voice.

“Gonna give up?”

Geoff’s office is the old manager’s office overlooking the main floor of the warehouse. He can see his support crew down below, hard at work while Jack troubleshoots. All of them talented people with the kind of hunger to them that’s going to make this city his – theirs – soon enough.

“Nah,” he says, “I’ve got this.”

========

The next day someone tries to break into his fucking car when he goes to a more or less legitimate meeting regarding some real estate he’s looking at, so there’s that.

“Nice,” Geoff says, because whoever tried to break into his car broke the driver’s side window and left the twisted up coat hanger on the driver’s side seat along with all the safety glass. “Really. Thanks a fucking lot for that, asshole.”

There’s a cough a little ways down, the sort that tends to cover up a laugh.

Geoff turns his head and there’s a guy leaning against a building smoking a cigarette. Light brown hair pulled up into man bun - man bun - collar of his coat pulled up against the wind and hand with the cigarette hovering in front of his mouth.

“Hey, you see anything, buddy?” Geoff asks, not expecting much, because Los Santos and all.

The guy shakes his head and flicks ash from the end of his cigarette.

“No, sorry,” he says with an apologetic shrug, and Geoff doesn’t go weak at the knees at the sound of his voice because he’s not a goddamned teenager anymore, but it sure as hell didn’t not affect him because Geoff is still very human. “Just stepped out for a smoke.”

The guy’s watching him curiously, blue, blue eyes, and it really must have been a long time since Geoff gave any thought to finding someone if some stranger is getting to him like this.

“Thanks anyway,” Geoff says, because he’d figured as much, and reaches for his phone to call Jack.

========

Things start to pick up after a few weeks of Geoff shaking hands with people and making promises that won’t cost him too much of what’s left of his soul.

Jack brings him a list of names. People he thinks would be a good fit for the crew.

“You come up with a name for us yet?” Jack asks, flipping through the files the support team put together on them.

Geoff shrugs, attention on the news and the latest piece about his presence in Los Santos. Old mugshots from the early days, and goddamn it’s weird seeing himself without all the tattoos.

One of the “experts” seems to think the idiot in the short video clip of Geoff someone took isn’t actually him. That it’s an actor or someone trying to capitalize on his reputation here in Los Santos to scam morons out of money before running.

It’s insulting and amusing at the same time, watching them try to figure out what’s going on.

“I dunno,” Geoff muses. “They seem pretty convinced I’m a fake, don’t they?”

There’s this pause, sound of papers being shuffled before Jack laughs, Geoff joining in a moment later because he kind of likes the way it sounds.

========

Geoff’s heard of Brownman before. One of the best snipers around who hasn’t committed himself to crew or gang. Likes the freedom of being able to pick and choose his jobs, and a reputation for coming down hard on anyone who tries to double-cross him.

He didn’t expect the fucker to be so damn young, though.

Skinny kid in a purple hoodie and this wary look in his eyes when Geoff drops down in the seat across from him in some hipster coffee shop.

Not his ideal place for a meeting like this, but he can work with it.

Jack’s in line for a coffee, and Geoff smiles at the way Brownman tracks him, searching the other coffee shop patrons to see which ones are Geoff’s. (The answer is none of them, by the way, because Geoff didn’t come here to make an enemy of Brownman.)

“I’m looking for a guy with your particular talents,” Geoff says. “If you’re interested, that is. Contract work, that kind of thing.”

Brownman isn’t looking for a crew, but Geoff wouldn’t mind working with him from time to time. Let the kid know he won’t have any problems from them, and who knows? Maybe something good will come of it.

Brownman studies him for a long moment, eyes narrowed behind his glasses, and snorts. Tension bleeding out of him.

“I don’t put out on the first date,” Brownman says, head tipped to the side. “Just so you know going into things.”

Oh, Geoff likes this kid.

========

After a few months the hard work the support team’s been putting in allows Geoff to sign the lease for a place close to the Dell Perro Pier. It gives him his own space back and lets the support team take over the warehouse the way they’ve been itching to since the beginning.

It’s not quite a penthouse, but the only other apartment on the same floor is Jack’s, which is nice.

“We’re going to have a penthouse bigger than Burnie’s one day,” Geoff tells him, taking in the view through the living room windows. “Show that fucker what class looks like.”

He can hear Jack rolling his eyes, but the asshole doesn’t say a damn thing which means he’s in agreement with Geoff on that one.

========

Geoff’s apartment’s a good ten stories up, give or take, and someone tries to get in through the windows.

The windows.

Geoff’s checking his texts before bed when he hears noise coming from his living room. Being the kind of idiot he is, he grabs his gun out of the nightstand and goes to investigate, and then -

“What the fuck.”

It’s the middle of the night and there’s a guy on a window washer platform on the other side of his living room windows. He’s dressed up like a burglar in some terrible made for television movie and using a glass cutter to get in like this is some kid’s cartoon.

The guy freezes when he notices Geoff. Slowly releases the suction cups on the glass cutter and tucks it away in his bag like he’s hoping Geoff won’t notice.

“No, seriously,” Geoff says, because what the fuck?

This has never happened to him before, what the hell does he do here?

He’d feel bad about shooting the guy because he’s very clearly an idiot, but he should probably do something about this, right?

Geoff doesn’t, though. Too fucking confused by what this idiot even thought he was doing, and watches as he slowly raises the platform until he’s out of sight.

Any other time, and Geoff would head up to the roof to catch him. Get some answers from him, but with this guy it feels a little like kicking someone when they’re down.

========

“What the fuck is that?”

Geoff looks over to where Jack is staring at the marks the would-be burglar left on his living room window, and right. That was a thing that happened.

“Hell if I know,” Geoff answers, because he doesn’t even know where to start with that one. “I thought you wanted to talk about getting more people for the crew?”

Jack shoots him a suspicious look because he knows Geoff too damn well by now. Years of friendship and dealing with Geoff’s bullshit, but he lets it go for now, which is a hell of a relief.

“We need someone with demolitions expertise,” Jack says, and the window incident is forgotten as they go through the candidates.

========

Mogar turns out to be a kid who might have a few years on Brownman, but not much.

Geoff likes him from the start, and from the way Jack’s looking at him, so does he.

They’re in an all-night diner where the owners turn a blind eye to this kind of thing.

“This is fucking stupid,” Mogar mutters, picking apart the half-assed plan Geoff and Jack put together as a test. “You’re going to get everyone killed if you use this much C4. Who the fuck thought this would work?”

Geoff shrugs, watching Mogar pull a napkin out of the dispenser to draw out a feasible plan that won’t get anyone killed, bitching about whatever idiot came up with the original plan.

“I like him,” Jack says, grin in his voice because Mogar’s too lost in his work to notice. “We’re keeping him, right?”

“Motherfucker,” Mogar hisses, finding some new fault in their shitty plans to be angry about.

Geoff laughs, because they sure the fuck are.

========

Geoff runs into Man Bun a few days later. Back at the real estate agent’s office with Jack, and there he is, taking another smoke break

“Hey,” Man Bun says, sounding happy to see him. “Fancy seeing you again.”

Geoff hesitates before he waves Jack to go on ahead as he goes over to talk to him.

Because manners, yes.

Jack gives him this amused smirk, which is in no way appreciated at all before he gets the fuck out of there.

“Uh,” Man Bun says, and Geoff should not find the his frown as adorable as he does, he’s an adult for Christ's sake. “I didn't interrupt anything, did I?”

“Nah, Geoff says, feeling a little like an idiot, because what the hell is he doing?

Man Bun looks at him for a long moment before he shrugs, little smile tugging at his mouth.

========

“Does your boyfriend have a name, Geoffrey?”

God, Jack is such an insufferable asshole.

“...his name is Ryan,”Geoff says quietly.

He tries not to think about the scrap of paper in his coat pocket or the number on it he’s never gong to call.

In another life, maybe, but in this one?

Geoff’s one of the Founders. Helped build the Roosters from the ground up and he came to Los Santos to do the same all over again with his own crew, and it’s not going to be easy.

He already has enemies, people who’d be fucking delighted to use Ryan to get to him. Break him down and send whatever is left to Geoff just to make a goddamn point.

Geoff’s not so selfish that he’d put him through that just because he likes the sound of his voice or can’t get over how fucking blue his eyes are.

He can feel Jack watching him.

“Geoff - “

“We’re going to be late for our appointment,” Geoff says, cutting him off because he doesn’t want to talk right now. “And Lindsay is going to kill us if we don’t get her more warehouses for storage, so hurry the fuck up, Jack.“

========

With Brownman and Mogar on board, Geoff figures they’re ready to make a little noise.

Pull everyone’s eyes to the assholes blowing shit up and robbing banks and all that shit while the support team quietly goes about the real work of expanding the crew’s operations throughout the city.

Lindsay and Trevor have things in hand there, and Los Santos has been waiting for him to make his move, so why disappoint?

========

“Fucking Christ!” Michael yells, ducking back into cover as bullets whiz past. “This was the shittiest plan in the world!”

Dozens of cop cars puled up in front of the bank along with a few news vans. Choppers in the air and to be fair to Michael, it does look pretty bad.

Geoff hands Michael fresh ammo and reloads his own assault rifle, unable to help his laughter.

God help him, but he’s missed this.

The chaos and noise and he’s definitely a little fucked in the head, but damn it’s nice to get back to basics.

There’s adrenalin's zipping through his veins, lips stretched into a wide grin as the cops order them to put their weapons down and come up with their hands up.

Ray’s out there keeping the cops off them and Jack’s inbound with a Cargobob. He and Michael have the money and they’ll be home scot-free in a few minutes.

“Everything’s fine Michael, just stick to the plan,” Geoff says, patting him on the shoulder as he pops out of cover to fire off a few rounds.

Behind him he can hear Michael bitching about Geoff and Jack and how goddamned stupid he was to sign on with their fucking crew, and grins as Michael stands up beside him to fire towards the cops trying to flank them.

“Take that, you fuckers!”

========

The news outlets go nuts for weeks afterward, buzzing about the Fake AH Crew and their daring daylight bank robbery.

The city’s in an uproar and Geoff is riding high on their success, so of course he comes across the hapless would-be burglar again.

This time it’s at the support teams main warehouse as he’s seeing to paperwork and goes to investigate (still that kind of idiot) when he hears a loud crashing noise downstairs.

“Seriously,” Geoff says, coughing on dust that came down with the air vent the idiot was crawling through. “What the fuck.”

The would-be burglar doesn’t say anything, which is fair because he just fell out of the vent on his back.

“Is - “ Geoff stops, frowns down at the guy as he starts to sit up. “Are you okay?”

The would-be burglar nods, reaching up to fix the balaclava he’s wearing to hide his face that’s been twisted around a bit, and Geoff catches a glimpse of his hair before he tucks that out of sight.

When he looks at Geoff, he notices that the would-be burglar is wearing glasses of some sort – goggles, maybe? - under it all that gives the whole thing a vaguely skull-like appearance.

Eerie and unsettling and some half-forgotten memory in the back of Geoff’s mind.

The would-be burglar sighs, shoulders slumping as he looks at the mess around him.

Watching him, Geoff gets the impression the would-be burglar is more concerned about how his brilliant plan has somehow failed him than being caught in the act.

“Not to be that asshole,” Geoff says, but he’s absolutely going to be that asshole. “You do know who I am, right?”

Geoff’s never ever actually said that in his life, because yeah, no, but -

The would-be burglar just looks at him, startling a laugh out of Geoff.

His face has been plastered all over the news on and off for months now, and after the band robbery it’s all anyone’s talking about. Trying to determine what his next move will be like they have any idea.

“Fine,” Geoff huffs, and then frowns, because he has no idea what to do with this idiot.

Kill him, probably, because he’s not the best burglar out there, sure, but he did get past the warehouse’s security measures. He’s already made a try at breaking into Geoff’s apartment, and he has a sneaking suspicion he might be the guy who tried to break into his car that time. (No proof, but his gut is telling him it’s connected.)

“Are you here to kill me?” Geoff asks, because he probably should, just to be safe.

He’s been making enough waves in Los Santos’ criminal underworld to warrant a hit being put out on him.

The would-be burglar shakes his head, and Geoff decides to believe him, because it would be even sadder to find out this idiot is just that bad at killing someone.

“Alright,” Geoff says and figures since he’s down here anyway he might as well grab himself a can of diet soda. On a whim, and since he still feels bad for the guy, Geoff gets one for him too.”Jack’s going to be in at nine, you might want to be gone by then.”

That said, Geoff heads back up to his office to finish his paperwork before Jack gets in to nag him about it.

========

“Geoff.”

“Jack.”

“The fuck happened downstairs?”

There’s badly hidden worry in Jack’s voice, which makes Geoff feel like a guilty kid keeping secrets from his parents.

He never actually told Jack about the attempted break in at his apartment, although he must have figured it out by now. Especially with the mess downstairs the would-be burglar made a token effort to clean up.

“Don’t worry about it,” Geoff says, and tries not to laugh at Jack’s long-suffering sigh.

========

When Geoff gets home that night there’s a case of diet soda on his kitchen table with a note.

Sorry about the warehouse, but thanks for the drink.

There’s a drawing of a skull in place of the signature - eerie and unsettling, especially with no signs of a break-in to speak of.

Geoff shakes his head as he takes a can for himself and puts the rest in the fridge, because only in Los Santos.

========

After the bank robbery they talk about going a little bigger. Bringing in more muscle, another gun, and not too long afterward Michael drags a kid to Geoff’s apartment.

Both of them more than a little drunk and looking like they’ve been through hell. Fresh bruises and blood on their faces like terrifying war paint and fucking grinning like idiots.

“Geoff!” Michael says (yells), “I got us a guy!”

Geoff squints at Michael.

At his buddy.

At the ugly designer clock on the wall Gus sent him as a apartment warming gift because he’s a bastard and hates Geoff more than anyone else and calls that friendship (Which it is, but like. The worst kind.)

“Michael,” Geoff says, in what he hopes is a reasonable tone of voice. “It’s four in the fucking morning.”

Michael looks like he has no idea what that has to do with anything, face scrunched up in an exaggerated frown. His friend(?) isn’t even paying attention, looking around and making faces at the décor – which is a motley blend of questionable interior decorator choices and “gifts” from his terrible friends who have clearly been waiting all this time to let him know how much they hate him.

Like Gus.

“So? You said we needed more muscle,” Michael says, almost a full minute later, brain obviously on some kind of delay. “Li'l J’s got those.”

‘Li’l J’ looks at Geoff and flexes, and Geoff’s hard pressed not to laugh because what the fuck is his life these days?

“He does have those, yes,” Geoff agrees. “You want to stay here for the night? I don’t think you’re going to make it back to yours with the state you're in, buddy.”

Michael chews on that for a while as Geoff watches, and eventually decides that yes, he is indeed too goddamned drunk to get halfway across the city and lets Geoff herd him and Li’l J to his spare bedroom.

He’s got two, but they insist one is fine and Geoff doesn’t press because what business is it of his?

=========

Geoff wakes up to the smell of cooking bacon and when he wanders out to the kitchen sees Li’l J wearing Michael’s shirt and his pants from the night before cooking breakfast.

He looks like death warmed over, and the bacon smell can’t be helping but he seems determined to keep on trucking for whatever reason.

“Good morning,” Geoff says, keeping his voice down because the poor kid looks like his head’s killing him.

Li’l J looks at him, and opens his mouth to say something when his face goes green and he mumbles an apology before rushing for the nearest bathroom.

Geoff gets up to save the bacon and while he’s getting eggs out of the fridge Li’l J comes back in.

“Uh,” he says. “So that could have gone better, I guess.”

Geoff shoots him a look and the poor kid blushes, what the fuck.

“Nah,”Geoff says, grinning a little, because he’s not wrong. “You’re doing great.”

He gets a skeptical look for that, because hey, Geoff’s a sarcastic bastard, but whatever.

“There’s aspirin the cabinet over there,” Geoff says, pointing.”If you want any.”

Li’l J hesitates before deciding going over to get the bottle, and Geoff watches him from the corner of his eye as he shakes a couple into his hand and dry swallows them. Pause, and then shake a couple more out before he looks for a glass.

“The one to your right,” Geoff says, and smiles to himself as Li’l J gets a glass and fills it with water, setting both on the table for Michael when he comes out.

“Thanks,” Li’l J says, kind of awkward now that he doesn’t have anything to do since Geoff stole cooking duty from him.

It occurs to Geoff that the kid is nervous as hell, which is fair, he supposes. Geoff’s face is pretty recognizable these days, and waking up to find he stayed the night in Geoff’s place after getting as drunk as he had would be a bit of a surprise to anyone.

“Michael seems pretty insistent you’ve got muscles,” Geoff says, because along with being a sarcastic bastard he’s also a regular old bastard.

“...I mean yeah?” Li’l J says, and then his brain seems to catch up to him because his eyes widen as realization hits. “Oh, fuck. He was telling the truth, you really are looking for more people?”

He looks horrified, glancing down at himself and running a hand through his hair that’s dyed bright green. Like someone who’s just realize they’re underdressed for a job interview and it would be funny as hell if he also didn’t look a little like he might start crying.

Geoff slides a plate of food in front of him and pats him on the shoulder because this fucking kid, okay, what the fuck.

“Relax, Li’l J. We can have the proper job interview some other day.”

Not that there’s an actual process to it, but he’s a little worried the poor kid’s going to lose it if he doesn’t, so.

“Okay,” he says, looking grateful for the reprieve, and runs out of the room to throw up again.

========

“You traumatized him,” Michael says when he finally wakes up and comes into the kitchen. He’s wearing Li’l J’s shirt with this look in his eye daring him to comment, which. Geoff would never. “I don’t know what you did, but you fucking traumatized him.

Li’l J, whose actual name turns out to be Jeremy is off...somewhere. Geoff doesn’t know, and Michael seems unconcerned, so Geoff's going to take his cue from him.

Geoff shrugs and finishes his coffee.

“Is he a good fit?”he asks, and doesn’t realize he isn’t just asking if Jeremy’s right for the crew until the words are out of his mouth.

Michael looks at Geoff like he’s an idiot, fond little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Yeah,” he answers. “I think he is.”

========

They hit a few banks after that. A jewelry store or two. Flashy things that catch people’s attention and draw it away from the real work being done.

Jeremy turns out to be what the crew was missing, a spark of bright energy and sheer chaos that would honestly be a little terrifying in anyone else. (Not that it isn’t in Jeremy, because Jesus Christ, but he’s got a good heart and is so fucking gone on Michael it’s not even funny. Which is good, because Michael’s just as stupid for him.)

Los Santos is in a tizzy and whatever the fuck else while the Fake AH Crew’s hold on the city grows and grows and grows.

Burnie calls him to congratulate him on making back to the top of the most wanted list again and Gus sends him the original copy of his first mugshot as a gift.

Because friendship.

Hullum sends him chocolates, because Hullum.

Joel -

The less said about that, the better.

And then Geoff catches the would-be burglar sneaking around his building in a delivery courier's uniform. The guy’s wearing a trucker cap, fucking mirrored Aviators, and has a bandanna wrapped around his face, and how the hell he ever expected his disguise to work Geoff will never know.

“Really?”

The guy shrugs as he shoves a clipboard at him, and Geoff knows he’s grinning at him.

“Fucking weirdo,” Geoff mutters, but goes along with it and signs his name, accepting the box the idiot hands him as he mimes tipping his hat to Geoff and saunters off like this is in any way normal.

(Spoiler: it fucking isn’t.)

When he’s gone, Geoff looks down at the box he’s holding, because why, and goes inside his apartment.

He puts the box down o his counter and eyes it suspiciously for a long moment because it’s the right size and weight to be a case of diet soda, and considering his would-be burglar is the one who gave it to him…

Yeah.

Shaking his head, Geoff pulls out a knife and opens the box.

(Spoiler number two: it absolutely is a fucking case of diet soda.)

========

Things have been going so well for them that of course it all goes to shit.

Not unexpectedly though, since Geoff knew something like this was coming, he just hadn’t thought it would be so soon.

“So you’re Ramsey,” someone says, snide and far too arrogant for anyone’s good. “You don’t look like much.”

Geoff would roll his eyes at that, but there’s a strip of fabric tied way too goddamned tight over his eyes and what feels like a burlap sack over that.

For the aesthetic, probably. Can’t have a good kidnapping without one.

The speaker steps closer and rips the burlap sack off Geoff’s head, taking a few hairs with it as he does. Before Geoff’s done swearing about that, the blindfold comes off, and Geoff starts wearing again because they've got a fucking floodlight in his face. (Goddamn kidnapping aesthetics.)

The asshole’s laughing at him, all high and mighty because look at the great Geoff Ramsey now, and Geoff tunes him out because he’s heard it all before.

Eventually his eyes adjust, and he gets a good look at his kidnapper.

“Jesus,” Geoff says, “I’m so sorry.”

The guy’s laughter stops abruptly, a scowl coming over him.

“What the fuck - “

“I mean,” Geoff says, talking over him. “Your face. I’ve never seen anyone as ugly as you are. It’s gotta suck.”

Yeah, Geoff’s kind of an idiot because the moment the asshole processes Geoff’s words he goes red in the face with fury and the next thing Geoff knows he’s getting punched in the face again and again and again until everything goes black.

========

Geoff comes to when some dickhead throws a bucket of cold water on him.

“Awake, now?” someone asks while Geoff’s sputtering.

Geoff shakes water out of his eyes and looks up to see the punch-happy asshole from before with a dripping bucket in his hands standing next someone new.

All dressed up in a fancy suit and this look on his face like he despises not being surrounded extravagance. The dirty little warehouse they’ve taken Geoff to so far beneath him it’s sad, really.

Geoff doesn’t recognize him, but assumes he’s the leader of a crew here in Los Santos. Not a major concern for them, or something would have been done about him by now.

It takes a moment for Geoff the realize he’s talking, tuning in to the usual spiel about Geoff and his crew moving in on his territory and what a terrible mistake it is. How the asshole can’t let that stand and Geoff tunes him out again, paying more attention to his surroundings and the henchman setting up what look like traps.

Honest to God traps like something out of a Vinewood movie. Spy or superhero, they’re kind of the same in the end because the villainous monologue Geoff isn’t listening to and the ridiculous deathtraps.

“What the fuck.”

“ - Pardon?”

Geoff shoots Suit a look

“Are you an actual super villain?” he asks, because really.

That seems to throw Suit off-balance because he just stares at Geoff.

“I mean, come on,” Geoff says. “There’s a fucking laser grid? Who does that?”

There is a laser grid, super intricate and no possible way anyone could hope to navigate it without setting off the explosives and whatnot. There are also other, less complicated traps, and all of them designed to kill Geoff and anyone who tries to get him out of here.

“No shark tank though,” Geoff says, and feels a little disappointment about that. “Couldn’t get the permits?”

Suit glances at Ugly, and seems to realize he’s not going to get much help on that front.

“No,” he says. “You understand how bureaucracy is.”

God, does he ever.

“Maybe next time,” Geoff says, and waits for that to sink in -

“There won’t be a next time,” Suit says, literally looking down his nose at Geoff. “I expect you - “

“ - to die?” Geoff finishes, because he’s been hoping for this day his entire fucking life.

Geoff is a petty bastard, absolutely loves the flash of pure, unadulterated rage that flashes across Suit’s face before he locks all away again, nice and neat.

“I see,” Suit says, not seeing a goddamned thing at all. “I believe we’re done here.”

Geoff watches as Suit and Ugly leave, henchmen trailing after them, and laughs himself sick.

========

Geoff’s not worried.

It can’t have been more than a day since they grabbed him, and Jack and his boys will come looking eventually, and between them they're smart enough to figure the stupid traps out.

No, Geoff is annoyed.

His head hurts, and he thinks Ugly knocked some teeth loose. His suit is ruined and the chair they tied him to is uncomfortable as all hell.

Geoff’s thinking about that when he hears footsteps.

At first he thinks it’s Suit and Ugly back to gloat or posture, or maybe Jack and the others.

It’s not though.

Really, really not, because -

“What the hell are you doing here?”

It’s Geoff’s would-be burglar.

He’s wearing normal street clothes.

And a mask.

A goddamned raccoon mask, like the ones that store in Vespucci sells.

The would-be burglar looks around pointedly, and Geoff sighs.

“Look,” he says, not wanting to hurt the guy’s feelings since he took it upon himself to track Geoff down and seems like he plans on getting him out of here, but he doesn’t really have the best track record. “Not that I don’t appreciate it - “

The stupid fucker steps toward the laser grid and Geoff loses his shit, just a little.

“Jesus Christ! Do not - “

Would-be burglar turns his head to look at Geoff and pulls a throwing knife from...somewhere.

Throws it with lazy grace, and – horrified because he’s about to fucking die thanks to this idiot – Geoff watches as it arcs through the air to hit the button release at the end of the laser grid maze.

A second later, the lasers flicker and die.

“...the fuck.”

The would-be burglar chuckles, and Geoff watches in silent (mostly) amazement as he methodically disables the traps one by one, humming some cheerful little tune under his breath the whole time.

After what feels like an eternity, he’s standing in front of Geoff, not a mark on him and both of them miraculously not amazingly dead, and so goddamned pleased with himself.

“No offense,” Geoff says, as his would-be burglar moves to cut him free. “But what the actual fuck?”

He gets another little chuckle as the asshole helps him stand, broad hand braced between his shoulder blade until Geoff’s sure he can move on his own.

Adrenaline, Geoff thinks, when he leans into his would-be burglar’s touch a little too eagerly. That’s all it is.

The guy leads him through the disarmed traps and out of the warehouse where Suit and Ugly and the henchmen are trussed up all pretty like.

Geoff stares at them, and then at the idiot with the cartoonish Raccoon mask.

“What - “

Would-be burglar holds a finger to the lips of his mask, and Geoff stiffens as the sound of sirens reach him.

Another chuckle, and he’s being pulled over to a nearby building and gently prodded up the fire escape until they reach the roof. Follows the idiot to the edge where they watch several cop cars pull up in front of the warehouse, officers spilling out of them to stop short in confusion, because yeah.

Someone must get their shit together because they start bundling everyone int the back of the squad cars and more cops show up to investigate the warehouse.

Geoff snorts. He would have liked to deal with Suit and Ugly himself, but this is more entertaining.

“Pretty impressive,” he says, looking back at the guy, who shrugs, seeming almost bashful at the praise. “You wouldn’t happen to be looking for a job, would you?”

Previous bumbling attempts at burglary aside, his performance today was astounding. And there’s the fact that while his attempts up until now have been laughable, he did get past their security without alerting anyone every time.

Pure luck or actual skill, either way it’s worth a shot.

========

He says no.

Or, okay.

He doesn’t talk so much as shake his head, but Geoff understands all the same.

========

“Geoff, what the fuck.”

Jack’s worry sometimes looks like anger.

And exhaustion, because as it turns out Geoff was missing for three days and they’d been looking for him the whole time. Michael and Jeremy tearing the city apart while Ray put out feelers to his contacts, and Jack -

“Hey, honey,” Geoff says, pulling Jack into a hug because he seems to keep doing this to him. “I’m home.”

========

Geoff sics Lindsay and Trevor and their terrifying little army after what’s left of Suit and Ugly’s people after the cops got done with them, and the Fake AH Crew’s territory gets a little bigger.

Burnie hears about the whole mess and sends him Gavin, like he really thinks that’s going to help.

“Burns, what the hell?”

He likes Gavin, he does.

Burnie’s little protege and a genuinely good kid under all the trouble making bullshit. (Funny as hell and so damned smart, all this potential to him that Geoff’s afraid he’s going to ruin if he keeps him.)

But if Burnie thinks having Gavin around is going to cut down on incidents like Geoff’s recent kidnapping, he’s barking up the wrong tree.

“He asked to go,” Burnie says, like it’s just that simple. “Fucker missed you.”

Well, when he puts it like that.

========

Geoff’s well on his way to winning the stupid bet with Burnie, and it feels goddamned good.

The crew is going strong, Geoff and his idiots putting on a show for Los Santos while Lindsay and Trevor cement their hold on the city, nurture the growing empire that’s taken root.

Ray comes and goes, secure in the knowledge he has a safety net with them if he ever needs it. (He won’t, though, Geoff knows. Kid’s too good, smart about things, to get in trouble like that, but if he ever does, they’re there for him.)

Michael and Jeremy keep circling Gavin who doesn’t seem to notice, and he and Jack look on in amusement because their kids are real fucking dumb.

Lindsay and Trevor throw some kid they found at Geoff and the others. Idiot with a sweet smile and sly sense of humor, and everyone loves him right off the bat.

It helps that Alfredo’s so easy-going, willing to go along with whatever trouble the Lads come up with, which is going to be trouble one day, Geoff just knows it, and looks forward to it because he’s a little fucked in the head.

Jack’s happy here, seems more settled than Geoff’s ever seen him and it finally quashes that last seed of guilt at dragging him halfway across the country thanks to a stupid bet.

Speaking of, suck it, Burns.

========

There’s a knock on Geoff’s door.

Not unheard of, but Jack and the others tend to let themselves in, and he’s not expecting any deliveries.

Probably not someone looking to kidnap him, because those people don’t bother with social niceties like knocking, so.

Geoff opens the door.

“Hey.”

It’s Ryan.

He has a case of diet soda in his hand and a sheepish look on his face and Geoff is having a fucking aneurysm, because there’s a raccoon mask in his other hand.

Geoff swears he hears a record scratch as his world tips slightly on its side, pieces falling into place.

“Oh my God,” Geoff says, and the temptation to shoot Ryan in his stupid, perfect face is nearly overwhelming. “Oh my fucking God.”

Ryan winces, eyes darting to where he has to know Geoff’s gun is and back to Geoff’s face.

“I can explain?” he says, small and uncertain.

The worst part is that Ryan sounding like that (all wrong) yanks so fucking hard at Geoff’s heartstrings that for a moment he honestly think he’s having a heart attack on top of the aneurysm.

“Geoff?”

“Get inside, idiot,” he says, scowl softening at the relieved look on Ryan face.

========

Ryan talks.

And talks and talks, and Geoff lets him, only interrupting him once or twice in the process.

“Murder break.”

Ryan nods, like this is a thing normal people do. Take breaks from killing people because they do too much of that.

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

And then, to explain why he needed to take a ‘murder break’, Ryan pulls another mask out.

It’s a black skull.

Geoff recognizes it, because it belongs to one of the assholes he and Jack considered recruiting for the crew way back when. Everyone they talked to about the Vagabond said that no one had heard about him for a while. Figured he’d finally gone and gotten himself killed, or managed to retire from the business, and they’d set aside their disappointment and looked at other prospects.

“Wait, what?”

Ryan shrugs, suddenly unable to make eye contact.

“It’s. Yeah.” Ryan coughs to clear his throat. “That’s. I’m him.”

So eloquent.

Also, yeah, Geoff kind of figured that, context clues being what they are and all.

“Hand me a diet soda,” Geoff says, and watches as Ryan opens the case and pulls a can out for him.

Geoff thanks him and takes a thoughtful sip while Ryan fidgets, waiting to see what Geoff’s going to have to say about things. (Expecting the worst, from the way he’s holding himself, and it’s breaking Geoff’s heart.)

“So this,” he says, waves a hand at the dumb raccoon mask sitting beside the Vagabond’s. “What was this?”

Ryan shrugs, watching Geoff from the corner of his eye.

“I heard about you and Jack,” he says, hands making this aborted gesture before he folds them up in his lap. “I heard about you two coming to Los Santos, and I got worried.”

Two Roosters coming to Los Santos out of the blue the way they did, and one of them being a Founder? Yeah, Geoff can see that.

“About?”

Ryan turns his head to look at him, frowning a little like he doesn’t know where Geoff’s going with this. What he hopes to get from it.

“People like you come to Los Santos all the time,” he says, twist to his mouth. “Most of them make things worse. I didn’t know what you had planned, so I decided to find out for myself.”

That. Okay, that almost makes sense.

“You tried to break into my car.”

From what Geoff knows about the Vagabond, he doesn't just try.

“Murder break,” Ryan says, and shrugs helplessly.

Putting aside the fact that Ryan could have looked into things as the Vagabond without killing anyone, sure, why not.

“You really take those seriously, don’t you.”

Another little shrug.

“After a while I realized you weren’t here to start trouble,” Ryan says. “So it kind of turned into a hobby?”

What.

“What?”

Ryan laughs, a surprisingly dorky sound, and rubs the back of his neck.

“I mean,” he says. “There’s not a lot for me to do on one of my murder breaks, and it was just. Fun.”

Fun.

It was fun.

Acting like the world’s most inept burglar was fun.

Fucking hell.

“So why tell me now?”Geoff asks, not that he doesn’t appreciate it, but why?

And oh, wow. If Geoff thought Ryan was nervous before, was he ever wrong.

Ryan’s blushing.

The fuck.

“You, uh,” Ryan mumbles. “You never called.”

Geoff has to take a moment to process that, really think about it.

“To be fair,” he starts, perfectly aware of how fucking bizarre all of this is. “I thought you were a civilian at the time. I didn’t want to get you involved in this life.”

And Ryan had been spying on him, but maybe it hadn’t been some kind of ploy on his part to get closer? Maybe he had given his number to Geoff in the hope he’d actually use it? (God knows Ryan’s everything since Geoff opened his door to see him standing there backs that theory up.)

“Um.”

Holy shit.

Geoff gets up, ignoring the way he can feel Ryan’s eyes on him as he crosses the room to get his phone. Picks it up and turns around to very deliberately make eye contact with the moron as he unlocks it and brings his contacts up.

“What - “

“Shut the fuck up,” Geoff says, and scrolls until he gets to DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CALL. THIS MEANS YOU, ME.

Geoff never called Ryan, it’s true, but he couldn't bring himself to just throw his number away either. Ryan’s still watching him, and Geoff hits send.

Ryan startles when his phone starts ringing, eyes widening when he looks back up at Geoff.

“You should probably get that,” Geoff says, feeling stupid giddy because they’re so ridiculous. “It might be important.”

========

The looks on everyone’s faces when Geoff strolls into the briefing for their next heist with the Vagabond behind him is goddamned priceless.

Aces Up Every Sleeve

#ramwood #jeremichael #ragehappy #vagrant fic #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#Heart Like an Anchor

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porkchop-ao3 · 5 years

Text

Park Chinois: PART 2/3

Part One - Part Three

The second part to I.C and reader’s date! SFW.

The singer, a woman dressed all in red, stepped down off the stage with mic in hand. She strutted down the middle of the room where the table layout created a sort of aisle for her, glancing from patron to patron as she went. Every now and then she'd sing a few lines to one of the tables before spinning around on her way to the next one. When she paused at our table she flashed us both a wink, then she was off. It was quite captivating really, being so involved in her performance. Rick and I watched her, completely entranced. Eventually though, she made her way back to the stage where she was joined by a pair of dancers.

“This wasn't at all what I expected, this is fun!” I told Rick, and he seemed pleased with my reaction.

“I had no idea about this either. It-it's certainly a surprise.” He snorted, though he didn't seem at all displeased by the way the night was turning out.

Our appetizers arrived shortly after that, carried over with grandiosity by the waiter and placed in front of each of us with a beaming smile and well wishes to enjoy our meal. I looked down at the plate in front of me and quickly realised just how stark the food to plate ratio was. Little portions of crab were elegantly stacked in the middle with a drizzle of chilli sauce and a few sprigs of some green stuff. It looked beautiful, but two mouthfuls and the whole thing would be gone. A glance at Rick's plate told me his was the same. On his plate sat a beautifully presented, yet singular dumpling. His face said it all.

“What's this shit?” He snorted.

“Oh, but it's just the appetizer, you wouldn't want anything huge…” I trailed off.

“Yeah but-” he jabbed his fork into his dumpling and held it up. His plate was pretty much empty already. I snorted, and quickly covered my mouth and flashed him an apologetic look. He couldn't help but become amused too, the edges of his mouth lifting despite his attempts at keeping a straight face. “Jesus.” He sighed, shaking his head.

Without further complaint, he stuffed the whole thing in his mouth in one go. I blinked in surprise, watching him chew the entire contents of his plate. He made a pleasant humming sound and shrugged.

“Tastes alright.” He admitted.

“Well, at least there's that.” I laughed, picking up my knife and fork and cutting myself a small piece of crab, I intended to make mine go a little further than his. It was tasty, and I was sure to savour each bite, no matter how few there were. Rick was back to picking at the bread (which the waiter thankfully left for us), though that was dwindling too.

“Do you want the last piece?” He asked me, nodding towards the remaining slice of sourdough.

“You can have it. I don't want you starving to death, sweetie.” I teased. He rolled his eyes playfully and dipped the bread into some unidentifiable chutney, by the look on his face when he bit into it, he wasn't a fan. He finished the bread without any condiments.

Unsurprisingly it didn't take me long to finish my appetizer, and I couldn't help but wish there was at least a little more of it.

“How was yours? I'm sorry I didn't ask before you finished, I blinked while you were eating it.” He said. Some of Tailor's sarcasm seemed to be rubbing off on him and I snorted.

“It was delicious, thank you. Just enough to whet my appetite, and that's all an appetizer needs to be.” I gave him a grateful smile and sipped my orange juice for the first time that evening. “Holy shit.” I exclaimed, suddenly feeling glad for the loud music, which helped to stifle my curse.

“What?” He asked me, his face dropping, clearly thinking something was wrong.

“This orange juice is incredible, it's the best I've ever tasted. Have you had some?” I asked, taking another big sip. The flavour burst in my mouth like I'd just bitten into an actual orange. I didn't know what I was expecting from freshly squeezed orange juice, but it was clear I'd never actually had it before.

“Mm, yes, squeezed between the thighs of virgins.” He murmured haughtily, picking up his glass and swirling it's contents before taking a dainty sip, pinky out.

“I think you're getting it confused with Cuban cigars.” I laughed harder than I should've and he simply grinned at me. The waiter stopped by our table, noting the empty plates. They were really on it with the service in this place, that was for sure.

“Are you both finished with your appetizers?” He asked us, and Rick and I nodded. “Let me get those plates out of the way for you, did you enjoy your dishes?” He smiled, lifting the empty plates away one by one.

“Yes thank you.” I beamed.

“Absolutely, nothing like a nice, light bite to really make you work up an appetite.” Rick said with a smirk, and I resisted the urge to shake my head at him.

“Well I'm very pleased you enjoyed it! Your next course will be with you shortly, and I hope you're even happier with those.” He smiled widely at us both before adding. “Is there anything I can do for you both in the meantime?”

“No, we're good thank you.” The two of us agreed, and with a nod, the waiter left us.

The singer on stage was no longer singing, she had joined the two dancers in a routine, while the band continued to play instrumental music. Some of the dancers would occasionally step down off the stage and do part of the routine in the aisle, again bringing us into the performance.

“Do you think you'd come here again?” Rick asked me out of the blue, and I thought for a while as I looked at him.

“It's a little early to tell, we haven't had our main meals yet. But if you're trying to find out if I'm having a good time, I am.” I assured him.

“I'm glad. I'm just curious about h-how you're finding living the high life. Like, if this is the kind of thing we should do more often.” He murmured, resting his head on his fist as he watched the dancers.

“If you want my honest thoughts? This is nice and all, but I don't necessarily think we need to do this often. I like our dates, I like exploring new places and chatting with the owners of those small family run restaurants and feeling at home there. I like how sometimes we go to a place and the food is terrible, but it doesn't matter because it was dirt cheap and we can have a laugh about it later. But mostly I just like going to those places with you.” I watched a smile appear on his face as I continued, though he didn't look at me. “I said to Tailor earlier; you could've taken me to McDonald's tonight and I'd have been content cause what's important is we're celebrating together. The fact that you went to all this effort and wanted so badly to give me this experience is a huge bonus.” I explained, still waiting for him to look at me though I could always tell when he was listening carefully because he'd absentmindedly run the tip of his tongue back and forth across his bottom lip.

After a while, he finally turned to look me in the eye. He wordlessly leaned forward, lifting up off his seat just a little, so he could kiss my lips. The kiss was delicate, light, but full of tenderness and it made me forget everything but him. I couldn't care less that this perhaps wasn't the proper place for public displays of affection. I couldn't care less that people might be staring. Let them look! All I cared about was him. And when he finally broke away and realised his tie had been dipping in his drink the entire time, with a chuckle I thought to myself; this is who I am meant to spend the rest of my life with.

As Rick tutted and patted his tie with a napkin he muttered; “This is why I don't wear these things.” sending me into a fit of girlish giggles.

Our main courses arrived very quickly, just like the waiter had said they would. As the plate was lowered down in front of me, I could've laughed until I cried. I frankly didn't know how I kept a straight face. Especially when Rick's was placed in front of him; his face was a blank canvas as he blinked down at his food.

If you'd told me that this was an appetizer, I would've believed you.

My sea bass consisted of a small fillet in the center of the dish, scattered with thin slices of kumquat (which I learned was some kind of orange) and sauce, a sprinkling of herbs. That was about it. I'd maybe get five mouthfuls out of the whole thing if I were to eat ordinary sized bites. Rick's stir fry was presented in a narrow line across his plate, each element neatly and perfectly placed, like every slice of vegetable or chunk of beef had been placed individually by hand. I couldn't deny that the thing was pretty, both dishes were attractive and appetizing, but considering the price, the quantity was a bit of a joke. The more I thought about it, the less surprised I was; posh restaurants typically served small portions, though they were meant to be delicious enough to make up for it. And that was what we were yet to find out.

We both thanked the waiter and he walked away, and as soon as he was out of earshot Rick said;

“Thi-this looks lovely, but… I'm not used to these tiny portions. I'm gonna be starving after this. I'd consider getting dessert but I don't know if I can handle being served a teaspoon of ice cream with a sprig of mint on top.” He just sounded astounded at this point, not even angry or upset.

“I know what you mean, baby, but let's just give it a try, hm?” I said softly, patting the back of his hand before picking up my knife and fork. I gathered a piece of fish along with some of the sauce and kumquat, and Rick tucked in too with a soft sigh. I popped the fish into my mouth, chewed once, twice, and immediately realised; I did not like kumquat. At least not with fish. I didn't let my face betray this though, I smiled as I chewed, nodding my head appreciatively.

“Yep. I don't like ginger with meat.” Rick just came out and said it after swallowing his first bite, his lip turned a little in a grimace. “Th-this is the problem with posh places, they all have weird shit in the food and I think it only tastes good if you've got rich taste buds.”

I accidentally snorted, covering my mouth as I continued to chew through my amusement.

“How's yours?”

“It's good!” I told him, it was almost true. The fish was delicious and cooked perfectly, it was just the sauce it was slathered in I had the issue with.

“Good?” He cocked his brow at me.

“Yeah.” I smiled.

“You don't like it, do you?” He deadpanned.

“I do like it. It's interesting, I've never had anything like this before.” I said, averting my eyes as I went in for another bite.

“It's interesting, huh? You mean gross?” He smirked.

“Rick.” I sighed, feeling my cheeks flush. “It's not terrible, okay? The sauce is just a little weird for my not rich taste buds.”

“I thought so.” He chuckled. “Look, baby, don't eat it if you don't want it. I won't be angry.”

“I want to eat it, it's honestly not that bad if I just scrape off most of the sauce.” I assured him, he laughed again, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all.

“Jesus Christ.” He said under his breath through his laughter. “Le-let's just eat up and we can go somewhere else.” He added, spearing some veg and meat and stuffing it into his mouth unceremoniously.

“We don't have to go anywhere else, you've spent enough money.” I shook my head, beginning to feel incredibly guilty.

“Money doesn't matter, don't worry about it, seriously. Th-this is just… let's call it an unsuccessful experiment. It's just a bit of fun in the end.” He shrugged his shoulders. I watched him for a moment and he really did seem unphased by it. He had a soft amused smile lingering on his face, which made me feel a bit better.

I continued eating, getting more and more used to the flavour as I went. By the last few bites I no longer found it all that unpleasant, but it wasn't something I'd ever have again. After finishing I felt pleasantly satisfied. I wasn't particularly full up; I was comfortable, but I knew it wouldn't be long before I was getting peckish.

I drank some more of my orange juice and soon realised how little you actually got. Though the glass was tall, it was incredibly narrow towards the bottom, meaning as soon as you drank what was in the flared out top, the rest of the glass was barely a mouthful. Wow. They can't even be generous with the orange juice? I couldn't help but think the place was a total rip off.

“The thing is, I can tell this is decent food. Someone would like it. It's just not for me, you know?” Rick said as he wrapped up his meal, swigging the last of his drink too.

“I agree. It's high quality, cooked beautifully. It's just not to my taste.” I shrugged.

“I'd prefer going out for a proper steak somewhere. Give me some chunky oven chips like every other restaurant in this country has and I'm happy.” He grinned.

“Trust me, you get bored of those chips very quickly.” I rolled my eyes. They were served with almost every dish in every English pub, it was like there was an abundance of chips and they were just trying to get rid of them.

“I doubt it. A little salt? A little vinegar?” He kissed the tips of his fingers. “And that's coming from a dessert fanatic. Speaking of, d-do you want dessert?”

“Honestly I didn't see anything that caught my fancy when I looked. If we're having pudding I'd rather have something from your truck.” I admitted, shrugging my shoulders a little. The look on his face was a mixture of flattered and proud.

“That can be arranged.” He nodded thoughtfully.

“Of course, if you'd like dessert here, don't let me stop you.” I held my hands up, knowing what a sweet tooth he had.

“Nah, I can almost guarantee my ice cream will be better.” He said without a hint of a joke. I cocked a brow and grinned.

“Ooo, look at you! I like it. Confidence.”

“Hey, I put heart and soul into my ice cream. I-I-I don't just mix up stuff with fancy names, expecting everyone to love it, which I assume is what they'd do here.” He glanced down at his empty plate as if to prove his point.

“Oh, I agree. Yours definitely would be better.”

“Are you both finished?” The waiter appeared out of nowhere again. When we both agreed, he continued. “Could I get you any desserts?”

“Ahh, no thank you. Couldn't possibly eat another bite.” Rick said, leaning back in his chair and patting his stomach. My face must've betrayed my amusement.

“Are you sure? I can bring you the menus again and give you some recommendations, see if I can't tempt you?” He said with a bucket full of charm.

“No, we're good. We'll just have the bill, thanks.” He reiterated, and the waiter nodded.

“I'll just get that for you, sir. How will you be paying?”

“Cash.”

The waiter nodded again and off he went. Rick pulled his wallet out of his inside suit pocket and opened it up. My eyes widened at the thick wad inside.

“Place your bets, baby, how much'll it be?” He grinned at me and I rolled my eyes.

“That's not a fun game, just don't tell me, okay?” I pleaded. He chuckled a little.

“I won't.”

The waiter brought over the bill inside a little leather bound book, he busied himself with checking up on the surrounding tables for a moment. I averted my eyes as Rick looked, and then filled it with the appropriate amount of cash.

“I have no fucking clue how much to tip.” He whispered to me.

“You're the American! I thought tipping was like… part of the culture.” I hissed back.

“Fuck it.” He sighed. Shoving an unknown (to me at least) amount of money into the booklet. He closed it and placed it down on the table and right on cue, the waiter turned back to us.

“Wonderful sir, I do hope everything was to your satisfaction.” He said, gathering up the check.

“Yeah it was all great.” Rick told him, already rising from his seat with a tight lipped smile. It wasn't as if he was trying to be convincing, but the waiter ate it up.

“I'm glad. We hope to see you again soon, enjoy the rest of your evening.”

“Thank you.” I nodded at him and rose to my feet too. Rick held his hand out to me and I took it, he led me through the restaurant back to the entrance, where the bathrooms just happened to be located. He knew me well enough that he automatically waited outside the ladies room for me without me having to ask, I always needed the bathroom before leaving a restaurant and this time was no different. Except part of the reason I wanted to go this time was to check if they had fancy hand lotion in there. They did.

Getting back into the familiarity of Rick's ice cream truck felt like a bit of a relief. It wasn't as though I hadn't enjoyed the evening, I absolutely had, I just felt a little out of place in places like that. It was nice to be able to lean back and feel comfortable away from the prying eyes of well off diners and overly attentive waitstaff. I reached over and touched Rick's knee once he'd climbed in, and he looked over at me.

“Thank you for tonight. I really do appreciate all the effort you went to, and I had a lovely time.” I smiled at him, stroking up and down his thigh just a little. He caught my hand, interlacing our fingers so he could lift it up to kiss the back of it.

“I know it's not been perfect but I'm glad you got something out of it. And we aren't done yet. W-w-we're gonna go to that planet you like and we're gonna fill up on ice cream.” He told me, placing my hand back down on his knee so he could start up the truck.

“The planet with all the stars?” I smiled brightly at him.

“That's the one.”

Sitting up on the hood of Rick's truck, indulging in a wafer cone filled with chocolate and caramel ice cream, enjoying the view; was perhaps the highlight of the evening. It was just quiet and calm, the air was warm and the two of us were bathed in light from the sky. Oh, the sky! It was the reason this particular planet was my favourite Rick had ever brought me to. It was night time all the time here, but the sky was lit up with billions and billions of bright stars. I could see the colours of the galaxy we were in swirling and blanketing the whole sky; rich pinks and purples and reds… it was the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen and every time we came here, my words failed me.

Rick was leaning up against the grill of the truck next to me, I could feel him pressed up against the side of my leg and he was staring up at the sky too as he licked his own ice cream. Neither of us had spoken for a long time and that was okay, we could enjoy the easy silence between us. Well, almost silence. Critters could be heard all around us, similar to crickets in that there was a constant harmony of sound from all directions, but here it was a deep bassy hum that I found extremely relaxing.

I'd licked down to the cone of my ice cream, and I crunched through the wafer, disrupting the hum. Rick wasn't far behind me though, so I didn't feel like a noisy nuisance for long, and we soon finished our ice creams. After having some of Rick's delicious ice cream, I was feeling much more full up; it was the perfect end to the evening. Rick eventually turned around, stepping closer to me so he was standing with his tummy against my knees. He brushed his hand across his mouth to remove the residual crumbs from the wafer, and licked his lips.

“Do you want to go back yet?” He asked me; I was quick to shake my head. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders I bent down to kiss his forehead, my lips lingering for a few seconds.

“I want to stay here for a bit, if that's okay.” I whispered, and he nodded.

“Anything you want, baby. I like it here anyway.” He smiled up at me, leaning his hands on the hood of the truck either side of me.

I tilted his chin so I could join our lips, giving him short, sweet kisses until he chased me, keeping our mouths connected for longer. He tilted his head, opening his mouth, he tasted sweet and his tongue was still a little cool from the ice cream. I parted my legs and wrapped them around his waist, perfectly content to stay locked with him like this until I could no longer breathe.

Tbc...

#rick and morty #rick sanchez #rick sanchez x reader #my oc #ice cream rick #fanfcition

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jackblankhsh · 5 years

Text

Why I Quit -- Santa’s Elf

"In my Mom's rendition, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer eventually goes on a rampage, beating elves to death with his hooves, and disemboweling reindeer with his antlers. As for Santa, well, lemme just say ho-ho-holy shit. Thing is I can't help thinking she taught me the right & wrong lesson with her variation.

"Allow me to elaborate.

"Nothing motivates a person to grasp at any job like a looming eviction that'll cast one out into Chicago winter. It is a wicked season. Polar bears stalk the streets. Great glacial mounds dot the city wherever the homeless, huddled together for warmth, have frozen into human icebergs. And always there those driven mad by cabin fever who turn into winter banshees, their screams echoing down the icy streets.

"Call me a coward, but I've lived here long enough to know better than risk Winter on the streets. So, following the word of a grape vine bird, I went to the Brick House Diner. There I found Chari chowing down on a burrito.

"Chari is a queen in the skin grift game commonly known as stripping, though she prefers the term gash flasher. Folks often misperceive Chari, given that she spells 'Cherry' C-H-A-R-I; however, she's certainly innovative. Consider how she alters her act for holidays. Around Easter she dances as Bunny, near the Fourth of July she's Booty Ross, and close to Giftmas she's Mary Christmas -- 'merry' spelled M-A-R-Y.

"We met at a bachelor party. When the groom asked if Chari might be inclined to acts other than sexy dancing she rewarded those hooker implications by performing an act of surra de bunda so severe it broke his nose and gave him a concussion. Always respect a woman who can use her butt as a wrecking ball.

"After the usual chit-chat kindling we fired up the real conversation.

'I heard you know about a job.'

"She nodded, 'You know I pick up all kindsa stuff. Guys think they're impressing me, or some shit. Can't complain though. My stock portfolio is crazy good.'

"Fishing in her purse she produced a pamphlet. Passing it across she said, 'I think the guy who gave me this was thinking like save the stripper, or whatever.'

"I chuckled, 'The ol' respectable job angle.'

"She smirked, 'Like I'll be so grateful I'ma just have to suck his dick.'

"I said, 'Well, as a man, I can say we're raised with the grateful BJ delusion.'

"She rolled her eyes, 'Oh please, you believe it because you want it to be true. Ain't no different than Jesus saves.'

"Glancing over the pamphlet I said, 'Speaking of grateful oral...'

"She said, 'Don't be getting ideas. This is me paying you back. That bachelor party was gonna kill me. Besides.' She smirked, 'I think you'll be an adorable elf.'

"The next day I found myself in the beige office of a mall manager in Niles. After introducing myself we stared at each other in silence for well over a minute. I think he kept expecting to pull off my face, revealing Chari beneath a mask, and his pornographic fantasies of gratitude would come to life.

"Finally, playing off that note, I said, 'So about this job, Chari said I'd be a good fit.'

"He nodded, 'It's not hard. Tricky part is whether you like kids. You like kids?'

"A few years back I attended a family gathering. The three year old crotch fruit I'm supposed to call my nephew got to its feet. The whole family cheering it on my brother's rat child started baby-staggering towards me. Arms spread wide it giggled. Leaping off the couch I shouted, 'Not today Satan!' and punted it across the room. (I may've been drinking.)

"As such, I informed the manager, 'I know how to handle kids.'

'Okay. Let's get your costume.'

"I shuddered. Though aware of this aspect of the job I didn't look forward to it. I've often had vivid nightmares about a sweaty Walt Disney furiously masturbating to forlorn actors sadly donning the mouse costume.

"The manager said, 'Follow me.'

"He led the way through a network of halls behind the shops taking us to a locker room. While he searched for a box containing my costume I waved to a maintenance worker in overalls.

"The maintenance guy said, 'What they rope you into doin'?'

'Elf.'

"He grimaced, 'You let me know when you wanna die. I'll kill ya. Did it for the last guy. Least I can do, ya poor bastard.'

"Right away, I liked him.

"The manager returned carrying a battered cardboard box. Handing it over he said, 'Put this on then go to the middle of the mall. Santa's there. You can't miss it.'

"Opening the box I sighed heavily. Inside I found red tights, a green short sleeved shirt, and a red and white striped long sleeve shirt as well as a pointy green cap, and a set of fake points for my ears. Everything smelled like diseased feet, and the points felt like uncooked chicken. Yet, I soon found myself transformed into an elf.

"Walking the mall is like roaming the belly of a beached whale. The labored breathes of certain patrons even helps conjure a vivid image of the leviathan struggling to breath as its own weight crushes it out of existence. Meanwhile, despite everything in a state of slow decay, creeping towards death, delusions of survival abound like the leather store believing yalmukes will save the dying retailer, or the lingerie shop's unsettling new line of preteen thongs. Like dynamiting a beached whale it would be merciful to burn this place down.

"I spotted the ersatz Santa village long before I reached it. It appeared to be constructed on a budget of zero fucks, and discarded pizza boxes. Buildings, particularly Santa's workshop, stood so crooked they must've been constructed by a German expressionist. In front of it all sat Santa, enthroned on a thrift store recliner spray painted gold.

"Next to him stood a perky albino asparagus who introduced himself as, 'Todd.'

"Santa introduced himself as Santa.

"I said, 'I see we're going method.'

Todd beamed, 'If it makes the kiddies happy that's cool.' If he smiled any wider his head would've come out his mouth.

Slapping a nicotine patch on Santa said, 'Lez do dis.'

"And so it began... a job that made me want to smoke heroin out of a shotgun, get a nice double barrel overdose going.

"Later, unprompted, Santa said, 'Been doin' this job fer-fuckin'-ever. Started when my bitch wife took off with the kids, and I was missing children, which is something never thought I'd say. So I was like, "Mall Santa!"'

'Why'd she leave?' I asked.

"He shrugged, 'I's fucking our neighbor, and that asshole got it in his head I wanted him to kill her. So there was this whole misunderstanding. Oh, hold up.'

"Todd lifted an approaching child into Santa's lap. The kid stared in wide eyed wonder.

"'Hello little boy!' Santa said, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'I wanna thister.'

'Then send us your mom,' I said.

"Santa choked down a laugh. He told the kid he'd see what he could do, but if there was anything else, say a toy of some kind... but the boy insisted on a sister.

"Todd snapped the kid's photo with a digital camera. Then I helped the boy down. Delivering him back to his parents I asked if they wanted to buy the photo. Like most they declined having already snapped pics with smart phones like the cheap bastards they are. The same way they used Santa as a scapegoat, blaming him when they couldn't afford gifts for their kids.

"So it went, eight hours a day for the next twelve days.

"Occasionally packs of mallrats tried to storm Santa's village. This usually involved Goth kids screaming about Krampus. We kept giant fake candy canes at the ready, and though bludgeoning teenagers is always a perk, it made the job feel worse afterward. Those battles sent me to such dizzying heights the drop back to reality felt like orbital skydiving -- too much time to fully consider the fall.

"Todd, on the other hand, possessed a mystifying ability to always smile. After one fight he said, 'That young fella had some skills. Good for him.'

I said, 'Maybe next time he'll kill you.'

'Then he'll be a winner!' Todd said. Watching him bandage himself with wrapping paper and gauze, I considered stealing a pinch; suspecting I could get a cheery high sucking on Todd's bloody gauze.

"But most days belonged to managing the slow procession of beaming children accompanied by bored adults lobotomized by parenthood.

"In the locker room one night a gruff voice asked, 'You wanna die?'

"Startled I leapt forward bouncing hard off my locker. Spinning around I found the maintenance guy standing directly behind me.

"I said, 'Not yet. Things are okay... I guess.'

"He nodded, 'When you're ready, say the word. You won't even know I'm coming. Just.' He snapped his fingers, 'Lights outs.'

'I don't doubt it,' I replied, 'Hey, I'm just here until I've got enough to buy a gun. Then I can rob a bank like someone who still has their dignity.'

'Like Todd,' he said.

"Todd having dignity proved hard for me to swallow. For instance, his frog eyed crotch stared down kids all day, and despite even the most direct statements he never did a thing about his huge man-el toe. Yet, it does take a stalwart individual to be so... Todd. Like physics, and voluntary celibacy, optimists have never made sense to me. Despite whatever obvious negativity I sent his way Todd remained a prince of the bright side. Some days my only motivation for work orbited some contrived scheme to break Todd's smile, yet I slowly began enjoying his immutable nature -- the seemingly eternal persistence of his mood.

"The maintenance guy's words echoing in mind, I started seeing Todd in a new light. Instead of a silver lining seeking lunatic I started seeing a young man impervious to the world's woes. Of course, I harbored doubts. Perhaps in private he metamorphosed into a snarling bitter dick, a speculation I held on to until one fateful day.

"Close to the end of work we let our guard down. We each wanted to go home for our own reasons. Santa had been peed on four times; it being payday meant I was anxious to get my drink on; and Todd wanted to hurry home to make a gingerbread house for his grandma. We didn't notice the circling, growing Krampus kult clad in black... until it was too late.

"A wiry teen jumped atop the phone case kiosk.

"Holding high an ornate, impractical dagger he bellowed, 'Death to the red lie!'

"And then the stygian tsunami came from all directions. Surrounded, we didn't stand a chance. Still, we fought the good fight. At one point I frantically threw children at the legion of incoming Goths, bowling them over. Santa put on a pair of reindeer antlers, and charged into the swarm head first. Anytime I saw a piercing I grabbed it, and pulled hard as I could.

"About to be overwhelmed I shouted, 'Robert Smith is dead.' As the swarm paused to check their phones I used that as our chance to flee.

"Grabbing Santa I said, 'We gotta go!'

'Ho-ho-hold up,' he stammered, 'Where's Todd?'

"I saw him lying face down. Shoving Santa to kick start his exodus, I hurried over. Scooping up Todd I fireman carried him back to the locker room where I dropped him unceremoniously on the ground.

"Gasping, I declared for the millionth time in my life, 'I gotta quit smoking.'

"Then I noticed a pool of blood spreading from Todd. Rolling him over revealed a set of pentagram themed shuriken stuck in his back. It didn't look good. Also, it's entirely possible when I dropped him I may have inadvertently driven them deeper into Todd.

"Kneeling beside him I lied, 'You're going to be okay.'

"Todd said, 'As long as the kids are happy.'

"Then he died. Smiling. Later I watched the maintenance guy mop up his blood, erasing what was left of Todd, save for a vague stain on the locker room floor. The next day I arrived to find a doughy guy in the locker room struggling into the elf costume. It'd been washed, but there were still holes in the back.

"Wrestling with the tights the guy said, 'This fuckin' shit better be worth it.'

"Seeing that sourness, I told the new guy, 'When you the manager come around, tell him I quit.'

"Chicago winter isn't the worst thing in the world... like Rudolph, Todd was born with a gift people didn't appreciate until they needed it. To see him replaced so easily, well, frankly your honor, that's why I burned down the mall."

#writing #fiction #shortstory #short story #surreal #weird #whyiquit #honestyisnotcontagious #elf #santa #holiday #christmas #giftmas #writer

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anotherfandomok · 6 years

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Interactive Introverts Richmond Summary! (Part two!)

We come back. The are so dramatic and extra oh my god the smoke and the lights and the wheel is revealed with Phil strapped to it and he's freaking out he is so good at acting you guys it's underrated. He's like help what have you done to me I didn't think you would choose me etc it's some Good Shit. Dan goes "well hello everybody" and does like a maniacal laugh, and then he says the outfits they have for this segment are their pajamas. Low-key I didn't even realize Dan was on stage too until he started talking bc I was so focused on Phil strapped to the wheel lmao.

Dan is like the point of this is to not hit Phil and Phil was like please don't! And then Dan said but if I do hit him and he dies it's all your fault because you wanted this etc. And Dan was like various projectiles and all that blah blah start with the slingshot ("let's see what Danny has in his trunk of fun" sktnrjeej) (the original - if it could kill a mammoth, it could kill Phil) sifbfje it came really close to Phil's leg. He got out the bow and arrow and called himself Dandiss Danverdeen and then he was like I don't actually really know how to work this and Phil was like oh that's great to hear and Dan was like I THINK ITS LIKE THIS YOU JUST PULL IT BACK AND FIRE BUT HE WAS FACING THE AUDIENCE SO EVERYOME SCREAMED AND DAN WAS LIKE OKAY CALM DOWN YOU WERE IN DANGER FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS OR W/E AND THEN HE WAS LIKE BUT I don't think you guys understand how intense this is let's get a little sideways motion in this wheel so THE WHEEL STARTS SPINNING BACK AND FORTH A BIT I WAS LIKE SJTBDJFNRJSDJ. The arrow came really close to hitting him in the stomach too (and I don't remember which one it was - I think it was the bow and arrow - but Phil was like two inches to the right and I'd be dead and Dan was like "that's OUR left Phil" oh my god I died). He brought out the Nerf gun and called it a bazooka and said I still don't think you guys are getting how dangerous this is LETS SPIN THE WHEEL ALL THE WAY AROUND. I was definitely not expecting that and I was scared Phil was gonna get sick all over the stage, but I guess they've been practicing it lmao it was INSANE. and Dan did not hit Phil, so it went alright.

Dan kept telling us to calm down and stop freaking out and screaming oh my god like ssjfbsjdjskdjs. He was like "you all screamed, Phil gasped, you need to call the heck down."

Phil asked Dan to help unstrap him and Dan was like I'm not gonna help unstrap you unstrap yourself! Sigbfjdej. Dan tried to talk about his serious thing about how they're real people, but everyone was distracted and laughing by Phil taking off the suit so Phil was like sorry I'll go back here behind the trunk but obviously we could all still see him so Dan was like I'll just wait until you're done.

It was wild you guys I did not think Phil would be on the wheel, and when they spun it all the way around I was SHOOK.

Also the number of times they called each other by their full names had me absolutely dead like every time they did it I just like cried a lil bit.

Anyway, then Dan talked about how they're real people and once we saw Phil was in mortal danger we felt remorse and stuff like that, and then I think he talked about their curated online personalities (or maybe that was later). He talked about how if you have this wide and individual of an audience there's no way everything you do will please everyone (even though they want to please us), and that makes it really hard because do you put your audiences wants over what you want and do you be an individual or just act.

Dan talked about wholesome Howell (he called it a spicy meme) and how "some people on the internet thought I was joking about death too much" and how he copes with bad things by joking about them and stuff, and he talked about making the meme and he did the pose and everything and did the sarcastic voice "I will always be wholesome from now on and I will never be sarcastic again 😇" etc. And he said most people were like yeah right Dan haha funny but then he said there were some people who were actually like thank God "this is so much better than the regular Dan!" finally Dan's gonna be nice or w/e. so he was like "if there's this version of me out there that some people want me to be, should I just be that -" and we all screamed no really loud and he looked shocked and happy and he kinda stepped back a bit and laughed a lil and I died I was like we did good we love you sjfbdndns.

Then Phil talked about his hair change and he and Dan talked about how he was genuinely scared that if he changed his hair people were gonna stop watching him/abandon him ugh ugh ugh bb no we love you but he had had the same hair for so long and just ah. We cheered super louldy when he was like when I changed my hair this year! Dan was like this was a big deal it was important news up there with the royal wedding man Dan loves to gas his boy up I'm fine. He was like but look all these people are still here and we all cheered super loudly bc we love our boy (and then Dan was like or it was just too late to get a refund on the tickets 🤷🏻‍♂️).

THEN THEY TALKED ABOUT ANOTHER OFF BRAND THING FOR PHIL WHEN HE SAID FUCK ON DANS CHANNEL I WAS LIKE AJTBCDJGJSKDN AND DAN WAS LIKE "and he's gonna say it again right now" I was like AJGBHHJDJS but he didn't obviously (they actually kept the show pretty pg 13 I was impressed like there were no f bombs - just a ton of innuendos).

TIME FOR THE PERSONALITY SWAP. DAN CALLED IT ROLE REVERSAL SJFBFDJ. So Dan talked about how they have these opposite personalities kinda thing, and then Phil represents "everything's that nice and sweet and wholesome in the world." AND THEY PUT THE PIC OF ANGEL PHIL UP ON THE SCREEN I DIED GUYS IT WAS SO PRETTY. I LOVE HIM. AND THEN DAN IS LIKE THE DEVIL RIGHT AND HOLY SHIT THE DEVIL PICTURE OF HIM THEY PUT UP HAD ME SHOOK IN THE WHITE SHIRT WITH THE DEVIL HORNS AND THE FUCKING LIPSTICK Y'ALL I DIED HE LOOKED SO GOOD AJRBFJDJSM. Dan commented on how he was rocking the lipstick. then they switched and they like crossed sides of the stage it was really gorgeous tbh I'm obsessed with them walking now so it was like well coordinated and just wow.

ANGEL DAN IS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE HIM. He's gonna have to explain why the things that we said on the interact website were bad are actually good (they played really soft music whenever he did his it made me really emo). AND PHIL IS GONNA HAVE TO MAKE THE GOOD THINGS BAD AND OH MY GOD WHEN THAT PICTURE OF DEVIL PHIL CAME UP ON THE SCREEN EVERYONE IN THE ROOM JUST FUCKING LOST IT THE LIPSTICK YOU GUYS I FUCKING CAN'T OKAY AJFBGJSEJSJ oh my god. Y'all when Phil was devil Phil he SWAGGERED he STRUT like I was like oh my god this man could kill us all instantly if he wanted to like he just exuded power and I was Afraid it was incredible. HE CALLED HIMSELF X RATED LESTER AND DAN WAS LIKE I HAVE TO SAY FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT SUPPORT THAT I WISH YOU HAD SAID LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. AND PHIL GOES "I ONLY FEEL MORE DIRTYY" I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WE'RE ALL DEAD. ALSO HE WOULD ALWAYS CROSS HIS ARMS AND THEN STAND WITH HIS FEET SUPER FAR APART LIKE YOU KNOW THE WIDE LEGGED STANCE HE DOES LIKE THAT FUCKED ME UP I WAS SHAKING OH MY GOD HE EXUDED SO MUCH POWER AND TBH BDE I WAS SHOOK WHENEVER HE STOOD LIKE THAT SJTBDJ.

Dan said color being sucked out of the world was a good thing bc BLACK IS THE BEST COLOR AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER IN MONOCHROME THATS A WORLD I WANT TO LIVE IN "spell funeral without fun amirite" and "everything would be fashionable!" and we were all shook and cheered really loudly and Phil was like I don't want to live in that world and Dan said "well Phil you weren't invited anyway!" I was like sjgbfndjss.

Phil said "time for me to get... A little bit evil" and he STRUTS to the middle of the stage and starts gyrating his hips oh my fucking god we were all dead like what the fuck. Dan was like "sToP gYrAtiNG!!1!" (Dan added that to the list of forbidden movements that had been growing throughout the show that mainly including thrusting and other such movements oh my god). My favorite thing about this segment is the audience and other person would see the thing they had to defend first, so we would all just burst out laughing and then the person who had to defend it was always like "what??? What is it why are you all laughing what is it??"

Phil said community service would be a bad thing bc what if it's a community of cannibals right lmao and then afterwards he was like I think I would taste pretty good and Dan was like yeah whatever pure sugar tastes like ew gross ajfbfjwjd.

Dan said grandma seeing your Wattpad was good but we didn't give that one to him he was like we have to bridge the generational gap and share our interests and the internet with old people and then he was like plus she'll probably be like oh yeah I wrote when I was younger about the Beatles in a bathtub AND SOME MILK. DAN NO STOP OH MY GOD NO. NO. he kept being like but I'm sure someone probably wrote that about the Beatles. I was like no please no oh my god we were all like no.

Phil said sitting in a field of flowers is bad bc you pick up the flower, give it a big sniff, and then you hear... Buzzing? THERES A BEE IN THE FLOWER AND ITS IN YOUR NOSE AND NOW ITS BURROWING INTO YOUR BRAIN so we definitely gave him that one lmao I think Dan said something about him or us being traumatized, but it was SO INTENSE when Phil was saying it like they played that hardcore music that had me dead on the floor and Phil was so into it and I just. Died.

Dan said his square hair was good bc everyone has to have a lowest point in their life and now he can look back at pictures and be like well at least my head isn't shaped like a square lmao he was like all of you go out and get your hair cut like that tomorrow I promise you there'll be nowhere to go but up I was like sjgbjdjfdj it was good omg. But he flipped out when he had to defend it he was like oh my god no sjfbfje.

Phil said a double rainbow was bad because apparently there's a double rainbow song and it always gets stuck in your head?? So Dan was like oh my god you got it stuck in my head and he was like there are like five songs permanently stuck in my head it's that one and there's Chandelier by Sia I'll be doing anything and my brain is like *he sang part of chandelier I was shook help my emotions god I love it when he sings* and he did a lil acting about the anger and frustration when it's in his head LMAO.

EVERY TIME PHIL GOT ONE RIGHT HE WOULD DO THE CUTEST LITTLE JUMP UP IN THE AIR Y'ALL I CANT HANDLE IT IT WAS SO ADORABLE IM DEAD IM DEAD. AND THEN WHEN HE WAS JUST STANDING HE WOULD LIKE SWAY HIS HIPS BACK AND FORTH/SIDE TO SIDE WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED. AND Y'ALL. Y'ALL????? MISS BAYLEY??? MISS BAYLEY?? OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE FUCKING DEAD. I CANT.

Then Dan "time to stop this before we get arrested." What did we learn from that experiment? Phil: "that I have a dark seed growing in my soul" y'all he said it in his really low voice I was s h o o k. Like Phil Lester had officially graduated to 'looks like they could kill you and could actually kill you.' Dan: "somewhere in the dank cave of my soul,,,, there is a single beam of sunlight that broke through the ceiling." --- happy middle ground between doing what you want and what other people want aw.

They were like you guys want to know about Dan and Phil's real relationship. Fast forward to we secretly hate each other and Dan was like I'm just an actor Phil hired ten years ago and it got quickly out of hand and I was like ajfbcnsjd. You only know the good side of Dan and Phil when we're happy and loving and having a good time. "But there's angst, and tension, and cereal stealing related betrayals." To know the real Dan and Phil you have to see the dark side. "Time to push our little bond until it breaks. In,, the DAN VS PHIL EXTREME FRIENDSHIP TEST."

Time to test their friendship to the max! Buzzer time ladies, gents, and nonbinary friends. I'm dead. They had the prettiest background on the screen for this where they had their fists up and were pretending to fight each other I can't deal with it. "The easiest way to cause each other pain - electrocution" I sjtbfjdndjw. "We will literally be punishing each other for being bad friends."

Psychic connections first (they think of the same thing from a category, or else "zappy zappy ouch time") their category was dairy products, they beamed it to each other, and Phil said STRAWVERRY MILKSHAKE. LMAO DAN GOT SO MAD HE ROASTED HIM HE WAS LIKE WHY WOULD I SAY STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE PHIL WHAT THE HECK WHY DIDNT YOU JUST SAY MILK. it was hilarious oh my god. HE CALLED HIM AN IDIOT AND PHIL WAS LIKE STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE SOUNDS NICER. AND Y'ALL EVERY TIME THEY GOT SHOCKED THEY WOULD JUMP AND SHAKE THEIR HANDS AND HOMESTLY ITS THE CUTEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY BOTH GET ZAPPED AT THE SAME TIME LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IM OBSESSED WITH IT.

DAN PHIL OR A RAT I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GONNA BE IN THE SHOW DAN SAID PHIL WANTED TO PUT IT IN AJTBJDEJS OMG YES. Phil thought his was his hair, but it was a rat so he got zapped (they turned up the power/volume between each challenge sjrbfjs), and Dan thought his was Phil but it was actually himself so he got zapped. WHEN PHIL GOT ZAPPED HE WAS JUMPING AROUND AND HE WENT WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUU- DGESICKLES AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM DIED. After Dan saw his was himself he goes "who submitted that photo" lmao.

Dilemma time! They have to save each other or sacrifice something for the other. Phil is being attacked by a shark, but to save him Dan has to have his square hair for a year. Dan called the person who submitted it a sadist lmao. But y'all Dan is so whipped Dan would do anything for Phil at first he was like you don't really need one of your limbs you don't really use them for anything and Phil was like what?!? yes I do I'm so clumsy I need all my limbs and Dan eventually was like yeah it would suck and you guys would all laugh at me, but I would do it to keep Phil from being eaten by a shark. (The shark is a big shark and it likes a nibble on British boys, as Phil said.)

Dan is being abducted by aliens ("the Dan mpreg story you all want," as put so nicely by Dan himself), but Phil has to give up both his arms to save him (lmao very common limb losing theme here). Phil is not going for it "I need those to do things!" he's clumsy etc Dan is like just make a decision already and Phil goes "it's only a little probing, they'll return you to earth, you can go on one of those mystery weird science tv shows and make loads of money from that!" (capita£ester strikes again) is that your decision Phil yes and he prepares himself to get shocked and Bam aw haha.

Phil lost, Dan gets a point. The loser gets the HIGHEST SHOCK POWER BITCHES. they turn it up from red to blue. Phil holds out his hand with the shock thing in it, Dan says "Any last words?" And PHIL GOES "Dad." WHAT. akrbgjebejdjejsb. Then he gets SHOCKED.

They've been keeping track for the whole tour of who wins and who loses. Dan has 18 wins but Phil has 21!!!!! Clearly the better friend.

My phone was getting low on battery so I don't have any videos or audio for like twenty minutes but I remember most of it.

That zapping was intense, time to chill for a bit, the audience doesn't really want to. They put the shock things away, and Phil goes and sits on the front of the stage ;-; look at his legs help me guys he's so long and adorable help. He has his notecards they turn off all the screens and effects except for two lights, and Dan sits on one of the benches it's cute af I love him. Phil is like I have some questions from the audience we're gonna get a bit more intimate (send help).

They say hi to all the people who ask questions really soft (or Dan does) but Phil says the first like three pretty intensely/seriously and Dan is like Phil that is not casual! It's cute af.

Someone asks whether to get a moon or star tattoo - they ask the audience and the audience chooses moon. How to get their mom to accept it? Dan: "wait until you turn eighteen and then speed out of there bye! No I'm kidding don't do that." Phil says tell Mom you got an enormous back tattoo of a three legged horse, and when she's freaking out tell her JK it's just a little moon on my ankle! Dan laughs but he's like or you could just say this is really important to me and I want to appreciate things that are pretty and blah blah blah he gives actual deep and good advice he says it really fast I love him I love him I love him I'm gonna cry and they're like but the horse thing would probably work too haha.

Questions about Dan and Phil! The AmazingPhil video??? They talked about how they filmed it on the tour bus and how weird their texts are and how they have their alien language "ice cream, BLURRRGHHHH" etc it's cute, and Phil's like editing on the tour bus but he hopes it'll be up tomorrow or the next day (so that would be today or tomorrow since I'm posting this so late) and Dan's like as long as he doesn't vomit on his laptop editing on the tour bus hopefully tomorrow or day after. It's soft I'm so excited for the video guys :').

What have they experienced that they wish they had filmed? Not a lot they value living life without screens sometimes, Phil especially says he likes just having memories in his head. They talked about how weird it would be to have like the contact lens cameras where you can just see everything you do all the time, but they wouldn't like those. But Dan talked about how at Phil's (old) house up in the mountains they once saw (green) ball lightning even though everyone says it doesn't exist they saw it during a storm (were they watching a storm together at Phil's house I'm 😭) lightning hit like this building and then they saw the ball floating there for a few seconds and then it exploded and caught a tree on fire or something and they looked at each other and were like did you see that and y'all it was v soft none of their friends believe them but I believe them that's soft.

Then Phil says once when he was in Florida with his family they were out on a dock and a family of manatees swam under the dock and there were two babies and he saw them really closely and help me that's adorable they were both talking about how cute the babies were ah it was so sweet and soft.

Then it's the end of the segment and the question and Dan stands up and goes "alternately, the Vegas video" WHAT THE FUCK I COULDNT EVEN SCREAM I LITERALLY WOULD NOT HAVE IN A MILLION YEARS GUESSED THAT HE WOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT. My soul left my body.

Ok! Back, and time for the golden I awards!!! They had talked about the set and the phallic i s on the sides of the set when they first came out, and what they stood for and all that stuff, but now they were like this show is for you so we have the first ever Richmond golden I awards I was shook.

Most inaccurate II predictions some nominees were "Dan and Phil leave the stage. We run the show now." And they talked about how we could all go up on stage and sing Welcome To The Black Parade (towards the beginning Dan apologized for g-noting us lmao wow). WINNER ISSSS Gerard Way comes out on an elephant and tramples Dan and Phil. They laughed and then they were both like honestly I'd be down with that I'd be okay with that. PHIL SAID "TRAMPLE ME DAD" WKGNJSJETHTS.

Pets! (Phil: "our furry friends!!" Dan: "not furry - fluffy! Fluffy friends. Pets!") Cute smol white fluffy dog in an II hoodie I think or maybe just a black hoodie as Dan in bed, and Dan was like wow that's literally me it was cute skskfksksk. A cat wearing askew glasses and a plaid shirt was Phil and Dan laughed and was like "I love how your entire personality can be summed up with glasses and a plaid shirt." It was cute af. Winner was a cat with an eclipse and a coconut on it's head as Dan awww.

Parents! I didn't know they did this, but they had pics of three parents and gave the winner to the best sour puss grump who didn't want to come we gave all the parents a round of applause for coming and all that good stuff it was nice and Phil/they used they/them pronouns for all the parents like 😭😭😭😭😭 I'm fucked up it was so good.

Also they wore THESE REALLY PRETTY AND REALLY SPARJLY JACKETS FOR THE AWARDS LIKE THEY RAN OFF AND THEN CAME BACK AND. WE WERE ALL SCREAMING AND DANS WAS SILVER BUT PHILS WAS GOLD LIKE THE TATINOF ONES AND THEY WERE SO SOARKLY AND SO PRETTY AND 😭😭.

Then one last award right we get Phil's diss track, Dan playing piano, OR a random video of a dog that has nothing to do with Dan or Phil. At this point I was very confused bc I had seen the spoilers and thought I knew both the first two things happened. So they said the dog video won and I was like sjfbsjsj what. It was a v cute dog slo mo running through snow and they talked about how cute and majestic it was and Phil said "trample me" akfbcjsj again. But then Phil went and got his hat AJTBDJSJD THE HAT HE MEANS BUSINESS AND BAM LAUNCHES INTO HIS DISS TRACK OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU GUYS I THOUGHT I WAS READY BUT I WASNT I THOUGHT I WAS READY TO HEAR HIM SAY BITCH BUT I WAS NOT.

Y'all honest to god he rapped really freaking well like he has the rhythm down he's practiced so much I'm so proud of him sjfnfje.

Then HERES DAN WITH A PIANO (I need to study the lyrics bc I videoed it but it was a lot to take in and kind of hard to hear the lyrics with everyone screaming.) Omg bb he looked so pretty.

And they sang together I love them so much and then they came back on stage and waved to everyone and we stood up and held up our signs and then they went back to be moved away from the stage with the piano and they crouched and waved really far down until they couldn't see us anymore 😭.

Also Dan said the super best friends and soulmates thing, and he said when Phil is a hundred wait no ninety he'll remember when we came to Richmond and talked about Satan and furries and sjfnfdnjdej my heart?

Towards the beginning we screamed super loud for something and Dan said we broke the sound barrier and we just screamed louder ;-;

At the beginning Phil said most of the internet is in cables under Virginia, which I didn't know, so Dan said all our Wattpad smut is stored underneath us. They did their research XD. Also the way they said Virginia had me shook, but I was one hundred percent expecting them to say it in their American accents and then make a virgin joke, but they didn't! I wish they had done their American accents more, but it was literally such an incredible show and I can't believe it's over.

During the piano bit Phil sang his part and then got down on his knees and Dan was like sorry sorry Phil you're in my light this is the Dan and Phil show not the Phil and background piano guy show and Phil was like oh sorry and Dan was like should we sing it together? And ;-;.

There was one point where I was so close to crying when they were talking about how important we are to them and how they just want to please us and shit and like. 😭

I'm forgetting so much stuff and this is so long...

#i've been so sad all day #like i feel like im on the verge of bursting out sobbing #i cant believe i havent cried yet #i cant believe it happened and its over #interactive introverts #interactive introverts spoilers #ii spoilers #richmond ii #dan and phil #dnp #amazingphil #dan howell #july 12th 2018

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overly-b · 6 years

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Christmas Jams - Tom Holland

I hope that you guys are having a lovely December so far! Here’s some more Christmas love! This is a pretty short one, but I felt that it may have gotten to repetitive if I had continued. Enjoy loves!!

Warning: little swearing

Word Count: 2k

“Rockin’ around, the Christmas tree, at the Christmas party hop”

The familiar lyrics roll out of the speaker and into the kitchen where you stand swaying your hips. You were just beginning to cook dinner for Tom and yourself when you decided that Christmas music was the way to go for this December night.

It only took a few lines for your hums to become a light mumble of singing. And only a line or two more for your mumbles to turn into a reasonable singing voice. And before the chorus, you found yourself belting along to the upbeat song, bouncing from foot to foot, moving your hips, spinning once or twice.

You breathe in and out through your mouth as the song ends, grinning to yourself as you lean over the counter to your phone to choose the next song.

Carol of the Bells caught your eyes and you start to remember your high school days. You had sung this song for choir every year for your Christmas concert. You lightly sing along to your specific part of the song, thinking of all of the fun that piece of music was to sing in a large group.

You have your hands full as the next song rolled through. The beginning melodies of The First Noel wove into your ears. Being a rather soft song, you opted just to sway and sing instead of dancing around like an idiot.

Little did you know, Tom was pulling into the driveway. Having spent a long day at the studio, he found himself eager to see you and to eat the dinner he knew you were preparing for him. Being that today was his last day of work before his Christmas break, you had promised him something special. As he walked through the door, he was about to call out for you when he heard the loud ringing of music bouncing about the house.

Christmas music, he smiles at the thought. As he nears the kitchen, still yet to be seen, he hears the music accompanied by your voice that he loves oh so much. You do not sing around him often, so he considers it a blessing when you do. He finds you at the stove, cooking as you sing. Dressed in a pair of Christmas pajama pants and a white tank top, he smiles at your spirit.

“Noel, Noel” He listens as your voice captures him as it seems to do every single time you sing. “Noel, Noel” Your pitch reaches higher levels as the line continues.

Still hiding, he takes a video of you, debating if he should post it on Instagram or not. He chooses not to, seeing as you are quite shy about your singing. He might ask you later.

As the slow song ends, a new, more fast-paced song takes its place. He almost lets out an adoring laugh as you gasp at the realization of the song. Using your red fuzzy socks, you slide over to the speaker, turning up the volume.

“Santa tell me if you’re really there! Don’t make me fall in love again if he won’t be here, next year!” You belt, not bothering to start the song lightly. Tom quickly whips out his phone as you start dancing around to the song. He goes on Instagram live. With the camera pointing to his face, he holds a finger up to his lips, as if to tell his fans to keep quiet. He points in a direction that the camera cannot see.

“Look at how cute she is” He mouths, flipping the camera. Knowing how possible it was for you to do something completely embarrassing that you would hate him for posting, he knew that he had to be ready to flip the camera or turn off the live.

Your phone lights up with a notification from Instagram. You read that tomholland2013 had gone live. You smile to yourself, knowing that he was most likely doing something stupid with Harrison or spoiling things and decided to film it.

But in his eyes, nothing that you were doing was in any way embarrassing. Sliding around on your thick socks, using the fabric to spin, slipping every once and a while. He is forced to stifle laughs often as you amuse him.

You continue along, singing and dancing. The song fades, and you decide to text Tom as the lyrics of “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas” fill your ears. You hum as you type the words

‘Be home soon?’

Not two seconds after you send the text, you hear the familiar ring of Tom’s phone coming from around the corner. His head then pops around the wall.

“Hi love!” He cheekily grins.

“Tom!” You shriek. “How long have you been there?!”

“Long enough ” He pecks your lips as your face contorts in a slight confusion.

“You went live like three minutes ago...” You state. To this, Tom shyly smiles, bringing his phone up to show your face to the camera.

“Guys I’ve been caught”

“Holy shit!” You yell. “Thomas Stanley Holland what the hell!” You squeal with a slight embarrassment. You will admit that no, you didn’t do anything crazy or wildly inappropriate or embarrassing. Still, you smack his chest, a blush rising to your cheeks.

“What?” He asks innocently, shrugging his shoulders, he turns the camera to face him. “Everybody thinks you’re adorable!” He argues, not wanting for you to be embarrassed.

“I am pretty cute huh?” You joke. He flips the camera so it is showing you and your holiday attire.

“The cutest” He smiles. To this, you give a light-hearted grimace.

“You’re not off the hook yet Holland. Get into cozies and help me make dinner” You demand.

“Can we stay on live? Talk to some people? I feel like I haven’t done a good live in forever” He explains.

“Why, cause you were banned from making unsupervised videos or going live?” You giggle.

“Okay come on now” He whines.

“Yes we can stay on live. And don’t worry” You take his phone from him. “I’ll be supervising” Tom makes a face as he turns to walk up the stairs.

“I don’t need supervision!” He groans, voice sounding farther away as he enters your shared bedroom. You laugh.

“Yeah tell that to Marvel!” You call after him. You hear a faint string of profanities as he changes. You chuckle to yourself, looking down at the phone that is still recording.

“Hi guys” You position the phone on the counter top where it views the entire kitchen. “I’m not really sure how much of my singing and dancing you saw” You point out. “But I apologize for every second that Tom made you watch.” You smile. You peek over your own phone. “What song should I play next?” You ask.

The comments flood in, each stating Christmas songs of many varieties. But there is one that catches your eyes multiple times.

All I Want for Christmas streams through the speaker. You turn it down slightly.

“Holy shit I love this song” Tom yells from the upper level. Not a moment later, he rushes down the steps in a Christmas jumper.

“I” He begins. “Don’t want a lot for Christmas,” He says in a slightly musical way, holding his hand out for you to take. “There is just one thing I need” He motions for you to sing with him. You take his hand and he dramatically pulls you in close.

“I don’t care about the presents” You sing, but not in a serious, worried about your singing type of way. In a loud, fun way.

“Underneath the Christmas tree” You both sing together. You sway together in large steps, but as the chorus nears, the tension builds.

“All I want, for Christmas is...” Your dancing slowly comes to a stop. “You” You drag on. The song suddenly becomes upbeat, as does your dancing.

Taking fast steps, you and Tom dancing around the kitchen, still hand in hand. Looking absolutely ridiculous, and not trying very hard at all to look professional, you both laugh and sing. Tom spins you around swiftly. You slide back into his chest as he catches you.

Individually, you dance your way back to the stove, where you mix around the pot that sits there. Tom waltz’s over to the cabinets, taking out a few things that he knows you need. You both continue to belt the words to the music.

“Thank you” You grin toothlessly as he hands you the items. Tom leans over the counter, turning the volume of the music down slightly. He talks to the fans for a few minutes as you cook. You make comments every now and again.

“Taste” You hold out a spoon to him. The takes the spoonful of food, nodding.

“That's really good babe,” He says, swallowing. To this, you grin to yourself.

A new song comes to your attention. One that you know by heart.

“Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me” You start, taking on the sassy ego that seems to come to the song.

“Whoa” Tom turns his head to you, seeing your new demeanor.

“Been an awful good girl. Santa baby,” You and Tom meet in the middle of where you both were standing. “Hurry down the chimney tonight.” You sing to him, cheekily, giving him an eskimo kiss. The song goes on, and you sing every note about all of the things you wanted for Christmas. At least in the song.

As you hear the first notes of Jingle Bell Rock your face lights up. Knowing the Tom had only recently watched the iconic movie Mean Girls, you knew that he would get a kick out of what you were about to do.

“Are you ready for this?” You back away from him, still in the view of the live stream.

“Am I ready for what-” He is cut off by the lyrics starting, along with you beginning the first few steps to the Mean Girls dance. Tom bursts out laughing as he understands. You laugh along at your self as you dance, hoping that the people watching know that you’re jokingly performing the dance, and not actually trying to be seductive.

Your boyfriend jumps alongside you, following your messy steps. He goes by what he knows. You fall to the ground laughing as you cannot believe that you were the person to completely memorize the entire dance.

Tom lends you a hand up and you continue to dance with him.

“Jingle bell swing” He sings, lifting you up bridal style. Having taken you by surprise, you let out a loud squeal. Tom swings over to the point in which most of your hair is touching the floor. In one swift movement, he swings you back to your feet. You shriek again.

Your stomach hurts as you laugh, and your cheeks grow sore as you smile. You lean into Tom, sliding your arms around his waist, resting your head on his broad chest.

“I’m dreaming, of a white, Christmas” The vocals of Michael Buble forms a small smile on your face. “Just like the ones I used to know”

The two of you rock back and forth to the slow-paced tune, humming it to each other. He gently spins you around, bringing you back smoothly.

You press your body to his. Holding one hands out, you softly fumble with each others fingers. His other hand rests on your waist, while yours travels from his chest, to his shoulders.

“I’m so happy your home for the holidays” You sweetly beam, looking up at him.

“Me too darling. I can’t wait to spend Christmas with you” He kisses your forehead, then as you lift your head, he kisses your lips. After a moment or two, you pull away abruptly. Toms head leans forwards slightly, eyes still closed, confused as you why you yanked your delicious lips away from his.

“Um Tom?”

“Hmm?” He mumbles, wanting nothing but your kiss. Your head snaps in the direction of the kitchen counter.

“Are we still on live?”

#tom #holland #tom holland #tom holland oneshot #tom holland imagines #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #christmas feels #christmas music #all i want for christmas is you #white christmas

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thekrazykeke · 6 years

Photo

Title: and it hurts like hell

Fandom(s): Deadpool, MCU

Relationship(s): Wade Wilson x reader. Bucky Barnes x reader. Bucky Barnes x Wade Wilson x reader

Series (War of Hearts): Sequel to Ass Backwards.

Summary: Sometimes what the world needs isn’t another hero, but a monster.

Warning(s): Angst, cameos by other MCU superheros (and villains), fourth wall breaking, inter-species relationship, violence, pre-polyamorous relationship, eventual polyamorous relationship

Tagging: @keya168

Something wet splashes against your cheek.

Pupils fluttering behind closed eyelids, you struggle to return to the waking world, feeling uncharacteristically resistant to that idea. After a few minutes, you manage to do so, the task proving to be a herculean feat. The sight that greets you is not the dark and perpetually chilly cell that you’d been forced into, nor your grandmother’s living room.

It’s a building, or a warehouse. Graffiti lines the walls, trash is scattered along the floor, a ratty sofa is lodged awkwardly in a corner and there’s a few sleeping bags, even a tent, with an industrialized, rusting metal trash can smack dab in the middle of the room.

“Go get Jamie, you dunderhead, and stop gawking!”

“Why do I have to be the one that gets ‘im? You go.”

‘Please, don’t be so loud.’ Eyes fluttering half closed again, you attempt to sit up, ignoring the unfamiliar voices whisper-shouting overhead, for now.

“Because between us, you’re the one with the longer legs, genius. It only makes sense.”

A hush suddenly fell over the room, although you strained your ears, you couldn’t hear any footfalls, even as the individual came closer. “Miss, are you well? Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Your eyes opened once again and you just barely manage to focus on the person. He’s tall, Caucasian, brunette, scruffy looking with a beard and had eyes that are either pale blue or grey.

“...What ‘m I doing here? Where am I?”

Again, the brunette spoke, “Phillip found you collapsed about a block from here.” He nodded to the left and you glanced in the direction he’d signaled, seeing an dark brown skinned male in his early forties, glasses askew and the left lens cracked. “Brought you back here, made sure you were comfortable.”

Phillip puffed up with pride, though he tried to contain his reaction. “Couldn’t just leave you out there. Nasty folk runnin’ ‘round these days. Had to chase off some hooligans up to no good.”

“My head’s a little fuzzy right now, but thank you.”

“Hmph! Fuzzy, huh?”

“And that’s Lorenzo. Ignore everything he says. I do.” Phillips cautioned, cutting his eyes at the other Caucasian male, red haired, balding, with green eyes narrowed in suspicion and distrust.

“I’m just saying, you shouldn’t have brought her back here. She was bleeding something fierce--”

You couldn’t help interrupting, “I was bleeding, for real?” Briefly patting yourself down, checking for wounds and expecting pain.

“And she can’t even remember that she was bleeding, or why.” Lorenzo continued on, tone pointed and biting. “We don’t even know her, we’ve never seen her walk these streets, so--”

This time ‘Jamie’ interrupted. “We should give her a chance.” Lorenzo shot him a withering glance. “Like the two of you took a chance on me.”

Phillip was quick to throw his two cents in. “Thank you!” He turned to look at you. “Do you remember your name, kid? Or where you’re from, how you got like this?”

“My name’s Y/N.” You say confidently. “I was on my way to see my boyfriend...” A dull throbbing began to pound insistently at your temples. “It was Tuesday. I went to see him then. Something happened, I think I got jumped? They put something over my mouth and nose, it made me tired.”

“...Holy shit...” Lorenzo muttered.

You glance at Jamie and Phillip, both who traded loaded looks. “What is it?”

“It’s Sunday.” Jamie stated, tone matter of fact, features carefully neutral.

“Holy shit.” You breathed, fighting the urge to give into hysterical laughter.

Although you were reluctant to go to the hospital, Phillip was insistent that you had to choose to do something. There’s a very real possibility that the people who took you over a week ago could have hurt you. You understood and even appreciated his efforts, but hemmed and hawwed over it until Lorenzo eventually distracted him by making a ‘joke’, while Jamie gave you some loose change.

He was strangely intuitive, seeming to get that you needed to talk to your mother, hear her voice. You’d been away from her a week and while you’re mostly independent, you hadn’t gone a day without texting or calling her since your teenage years.

‘Get it together. A shitty day doesn’t give you the excuse to go all white girl Becky, woe is me, the world is ending.’ Fidgeting, you twirled the phone cord around your fingertip, listening to phone ring and ring.

And ring.

Then...

{Hello?}

Unbidden, tears welled up at the corners of your eyes. A lump was stuck in your throat and you couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak.

{Hello? Hello?}

“M-Mama, I--”

A pale hand reached out and ended the call. You were about to turn around and chew the person out but it was Jamie. “What the fuck?” You hissed. He crowded you in that tiny booth and you felt uncomfortable. “Seriously, you gotta back the fuck up.”

Ignoring your warning, he came even closer, his lips brushed against the shell of your ear. “See that guy across the street? No, don’t look!” You swallowed, heart in your throat. “He’s been watching you for the past fifteen minutes. And there’s a van, black, tinted windows, it’s been circling that cafe for more than twenty minutes.”

“It could be a coincidence.” Even as you gave life to that flimsy excuse, behind your eyelids, you caught a flash of a memory, recalling a black van cutting you off in both directions as you tried to run.

“You need to come with me.”

“Sorry, my mama taught me never to follow strange men to places beyond yonder.” You sassed.

Jamie looked equally parts amused, part exasperated and just as he nodded, about to back up, suddenly that van he mentioned drove by once again, the door opening to reveal men, soldiers, and one of the crew is manning a machine gun, aimed directly at the two of you.

Eyes widening, you froze like a deer in headlights. Jamie shoved you to the ground, his body shielding your own as the bullets ricocheted and sprinkled glass down around you both.

B-Bump! B-Bump!

It feels like cotton is in your ears or your head’s underwater. You can’t hear anything, you barely understand anything, but when Jamie grabs your arm, you don’t hesitate to grasp the appendage tightly, holding onto the appendage for dear life in a world that had so suddenly gone crazy.

“--ove. Move, move! Surround them, surround them, don’t let them escape!”

You came back to the sound of a woman screaming, someone’s baby is screaming, and while a part of you is concerned, self-preservation triumphs and survival is your main priority.

Confidently, Jamie stands right in front of you as the military personnel advance on the two of you, guns at the ready, fingers on the trigger.

Fuck, this a shitty Sunday.

The nearest soldier, the spokesperson of the group, said tersely, “We’re going to give the two of you one chance to get down on the ground with your hands behind your head. If you move, we will shoot you.”

“Aren’t they going to shoot anyway?” Your lips barely move as you mutter the words underneath your breath.

Somehow he heard you. “We even twitch and they light us up like the fourth of July.”

“So, we’re going through them, right?”

Jamie didn’t respond, merely took off his glove on his right hand, revealing a metal hand? No, a metal arm with a red star at the top of his shoulder. He shifted his stance and one of the twitchy military brats fired, his shot going wild, missing his face by a wide margin, and nearly clipping you in the ear.

All it took was a breath and then he was in motion, charging straight at the group while you ran away from the fighting. Or tried to, you were cut off by another black van blocking the passage way and taking up space on the sidewalk.

The feeling of deja vu became even stronger, as did the throbbing in your temples.

Blinking, you tried to shake off the sensation and hopped over the hood of the car, only when you hit the ground, the earth shattered a little beneath your feet, the ricochet reverberating up to your teeth. The van’s door was about to open and you reached down, grabbing the nearest object, and shove it through the door’s handle; the object you’d grabbed turned out to be a STOP sign.

‘Hoooooly shit.’

You heard someone take the safety off of their gun and you turn your head. It was a female soldier, eyes cold as ice, and she pulled the trigger.

But nothing happened.

She did it again and again as you stood up, feeling rage and irritation flow through you. Throwing the gun at your face, she attempted to lash out at you with her foot, perhaps wanting to engage in hand-to-hand combat, and you grabbed the appendage, lifting her right off the ground before slamming her down into the unforgiving concrete once, twice, before grabbing her other foot, spinning around in a half circle and chucked her away, she flew through the air and crashed into a speeding car.

She did not get up again.

Hearing the roar of an engine, you turn and catch sight of Jamie on a motorcycle. ”Feel like coming with me now?” Questions were burning at the back of your tongue, ready to be put into coherent sentences, but you found you nodded anyway and got on the bike behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist.

Questions could wait.

#mcu #bucky barnes #mcu imagine #bucky barnes imagine #marvel #black reader #marvel imagine #bucky barnes x reader #thekrazykeke

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emeny · 7 years

Text

my friend is watching ep 68 cloak and dagger right now and i just realised how different my perspective of it is as a writer because he’s like ‘all these horrible things keep happening!’ and i’m like ‘I know! isn’t it great?’ and he doesn’t see how narratively delicious the whole set-up is and how many plates that Matt has spinning at once in one place.

it’s fucking phenomenal and i love thinking back about it, i’m glad it was my first live episode once the stress had settled, so i do sympathise with my friend’s terror but i was so excited the entire time throughout that ep. just going to list what i love because fuck it was good and it’s on my mind again

long post, ep 68 spoilers

1. the set-up

a gun fight and mex/ican standoff on an island of glass in the middle of the sea is the most aesthetically and narratively pleasing idea i can think of. holy shit that’s just so cool i will never be over it

2. having all of percy’s demons in one place.

first anna ripley, the woman who knows the secret to his inventions, his biggest regret. her making many guns and giving them out and trading them and just being out for herself. she is conniving and chaotic and selfish and an amazing villain and i love to hate her and hate to love her

second orthax, making a deal with her to make this all the more possible and faster and infinitely more dangerous. both of them being out for percy’s life the entire fight is so explicit and real and believable. just that level of spite. i love it.

3. the height of the stakes.

having two vestiges, a revenge plot, and a misled acquaintance all against them and on the go at once.

especially having this stressful situation right off the back of a time constrained chase across an ocean, that adrenaline pumping right into the fight, all the roads lead to there and it is so satisfying to come to that singular point and just have everything collide

4. the cloak and the dagger

in the midst of this fight that is so obviously percy’s there is almost this side plot, there are two stories happening at once. the cloak side is happening for percy, and the dagger side is happening for vax. poetically so.

they both have these end goals that involves getting these vestiges but there are these interpersonal obstacles in the way.

percy has to take his revenge on ripley, her character not the sort to give up so easily and to let go of her spoils. and then vax having to redeem himself in the eyes of kynan

whisper is so obviously made for vax, and having it in the hands of the boy who he failed to reach out to is such an amazing irony

5. the return of kynan

Matthew Mercer is so brilliant. there aren’t enough words. after so so so long having these past consequences come full circle at the most dire of times is an art.

kynan himself is an interesting metric to measure vox machina against in regard to how much they have grown as people and how they have adapted to the ever increasing level of responsibility they have and the repercussions they have influence over

the amount that vax was trying and pleading to get kynan to change his mind shows how big his heart is, how deep his empathy goes, how much he wishes to do good and there is more maturity there to lead by example

6. part i: the death of percy

percy being singled out and killed by his own creation is a poetic justice in a way. his guilt for having made these machines to begin with and knowing they are out in the world just makes it sad though

pike’s necklace bringing him back from the brink was so exhilarating and instilled a false sense of security. heroes don’t die. they win.

the callback to this item from so long ago in the scope of the show is once again an amazing example of continuity. it emphasises the importance of the connections between the people of vm, even if pike wasn’t there she had a hand to lend. they are there for eachother in ways no one could always expect

7. part ii: rebirth

the second death was harsh but felt numb, it was like the hubris caught up with percy.

him extending forgiveness to ripley was another cruel irony but was the mark of him taking the high road and being a better man that owns up to his mistakes and being a man that doesn’t make deals with demons out of hunger for revenge

his death this time was him wiping his slate clean and giving up the life that almost destroyed him.

the future lies in forgiveness, and his death woke him from his stupour and healed him ways that perhaps couldn’t come about any other way

in the fight everything felt too real again and put into focus, it kicked the rest of vm into gear to do what needed to be done without mercy in the name of their friend.

8. resolution

“Percy's killing you right now. Not us.”

they cut it close and she could have gotten away again but they weren’t about to let it happen. the visceral determination of vox machina as a family smiting her down is so damn poignant

everyone putting forth an individual attack against her, their own personal strikes literally tearing her apart in this overkill effort was necessary and therapeutic to them in their grief

that instant pay-off of her death rather than just another chase was well timed and perfect and i can’t think of a better way that the situation ended

death made percy a different person and him being there to kill ripley at that point would not have felt right. things had to be that way and it happened organically and was prime for character growth

the absolute stillness and lack of words after the fight finished felt so absolute and i won’t forget the tone the episode ended on with them stranded on the glass because it said so much

#critical role #cloak and dagger #long post #text post mumble grumble #just had to let my brain explode on my keyboard for like 20 minutes #moving on now

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esamastation · 7 years

Text

Bigger Universe, Extended

The portal closes behind Tony while he's too busy staring at the explosion.

He's feeling – horror is not quite the right word for it. Something about the vastness of universe and the infinity of space and the fact that there are aliens and they have better tech than him and how small and fragile Earth is, all of it wrapped in micron thin layer of

holy shit holy shit holyshit

Cosmic horror maybe, because he feels cosmically horrified.

And the portal closes.

"Shit, " Tony gasps, trying to turn to look. He's flying forwards fast and the seam of the portal closing is already far behind him, vanishing fast. "JARVIS?"

"Connection with Tower Mainframe lost, sir. The portal is gone," JARVIS answers, while Tony looks at the HUD, desperate for facts. No atmospheric pressure, of course, no heat readings, no gasses – bit of radiation, wonderful.

The compass can't tell which way is up – which makes sense since Tony can't tell which way is up – because there is no up in space. What even is up?

It almost makes him laugh, hysterically. He shouldn't, because he's stranded in god knows where in space and it's not funny. "JARVIS, what's up?" he asks and giggles and oh god he's going to die.

"Well, good news is, with intake closed off and regulators off line, the suit can handle vacuum of space," JARVIS says somewhat sardonically. "Congratulations, sir, you have a viable space suit."

"And the bad news?" Tony asks.

"You have approximately 526 seconds of oxygen remaining."

"Shit," Tony answers. Under nine minutes. "What the hell do I – JARVIS, scan everything, scan the," he motions ahead, at the wreck of the Chitauri fleet. "Scan everything."

"Scanning," JARVIS answers dutifully and as the scanners come online Tony tries to figure out how to fly in space.

Answer: very fast.

"Hooly shit! Whoa, okay, okay, steering is – argh," Tony flails as the smallest repulsor burst send him into wild spins. "JARVIS, lower the output on hand repulsors!"

JARVIS does as asked and after some more flailing Tony manages to aim himself forward and at the wreck ahead. Though calling it a wreck is really putting it lightly.

It's an asteroid field of metal. There's the – station maybe? Which is now blown open thanks to a direct hit with a nuke. Then there are the masses, absolute masses of Chitauri everywhere.

"JARVIS," Tony says as they zoom past a inert group of the big metal whale things. "Are they dead?"

"I am registering energy and heat signatures from various devices – but no movements."

"Anything organic?"

"I am detecting organic matter, yes, however nothing living within the scanners reach, aside from you sir."

Tony looks at a group of Chitauri on their hover bike things. Their pilots are… hanging around, more or less some by only a loose grip still holding onto the controls of their vehicles. Some of the pilots were just floating there, above and around the still bikes.

They look dead. But they also look partially robotic, which throws a wrench into any logic one might apply to them. But dead or not – they're definitely out of the fight now. "They're like machines – it's a remote controlled cyborg army," Tony mutters. "That's a… that's pretty tough deal now that I think about it."

"Quite. And it seems you broke the remote, sir."

"Do you think that killed them?" Tony asks uneasily, looking around them, at the Chitauri bodies floating about.

"I am not registering any life signatures," JARVIS says simply, which is as good as yes.

Tony narrows his eyes. "They might be zombie space cyborgs. Could be that they never were alive in the first place."

"What a delightful concept, sir."

It's eerie to fly past these enormous clumps of a completely inert army – eerie and a little bit terrifying because all of these things had been aimed at Earth. And there was a lot of them, more and more every which way he looks. Only fraction of the actual invasion force had gotten through.

If the portal hadn't closed...

"Damn," Tony mutters. Soon he'd process through the whole thing – soon he'd be pissed off about being stranded in space. Right now he's just glad this force hadn't gotten to his planet. Just few more minutes and it would've been to much for Avengers to handle

"Fuck, we got lucky that the portal was so small," Tony sighs and then looks ahead – above, below? It's hard to tell, directions don't really work in zero gravity. The wreck of the control station ship thing is coming closer fast in any case – and with it, the radiation climbs.

Gamma rays all over the place. It had been one of SHIELD's juiced up Tesseract nukes, then. Damn. If it had hit New York, had hit where it'd been aimed – his tower smack in middle of Manhattan… the death toll would've been in the millions. Talk about fucking overkill.

"Sir, I am detecting a pocket of gasses inside the vessel," JARVIS says and a litany of gasses pop up on Tony's HUD.

"I can't breathe that," Tony says with a frown. There is nitrogen and oxygen though. "Can we filter it?"

"Debatable, sir. However, it is the best available option," JARVIS informs him.

"Right," Tony says and looks around. "Let's see if we can get in, then."

Behind the Chitauri command centre there are stars, painfully brilliant stars – a galactic core, Tony thinks vaguely, has to be. It shines like something out of a sci-fi movie, except better and worse because it's real, real and blinding. Its space, it's real honest to god space and he's seeing not on a screen but – well, on a screen but it's his HUD screen. Live image. Because it's real.

"I'm in space," Tony whispers.

"Yes, sir, and you have 253 seconds of oxygen remaining. So I'd suggest getting indoors."

"I'm in space, JARVIS. Actual space."

Oh god he's in space, looking at the centre of a galaxy and he doesn't even know if it's the Milky Way.

"Becoming part of a bigger universe," Tony murmurs. "Fury, you prophetic son of a bitch."

Finding a way into the space station thing is easy – finding a way easy without breaking the gas pocket inside is harder. Tony could blast his way in, easy enough – but then there would go the gas bubble and any use he might get out of it would be gone.

The place is a wreck of debris, bits of metal flying this way and that, and gaping holes where the nuke had torn into the station. Tony has to constantly evade to avoid being hit, and he's probably lucky that the fastest moving bits are already long gone, flung into space – there are no micro meteors around anymore to tear holes into his suit. It's still not exactly the safest place ever.

"I need an airlock, a section with bulkheads, something," Tony says. "JARVIS, do you have a map of the remains?"

"Given value of a map, sir," JARVIS answers and then brings up a simile of a one on the HUD screen. There are haphazard tunnels of gas inside the wrecked station, some of them broken by sections of no gas, others continuing for hundreds of feet before ending abruptly where the space station had been torn open.

There's no time to debate on which way would be the smartest – Tony is running out of air, fast. So, he picks a section which he hopes has been sealed into individual bits and then dives into the wreck, looking for a door of some kind to force open.

He finds it, with metal girders and walls collapsed all around it. The door is dilating door, which makes forcing the damn thing open harder than it has any reasonable right to be – but maybe that's the point. Harder for any potential hostile forces to break in.

Damn Chitauri and their surprisingly reasonable constructions.

"JARVIS, more power to boot repulsor," Tony grunts, while trying to take a grip of the edge of the metal door, right at the centre. JARVIS ups his propulsion and Tony is almost thrown off the door entirely, face planting against it – once again, steering in zero-G. "Fuck, okay, let me –" he quickly shifts his feet to different angles, one pushing him forwards while other pushes up. "Okay, another try."

It's all so strangely silent – Tony can only hear the whir of the suit and his own breath, but door itself is silent as it opens, bit by bit, dilating open at the middle. There is a sudden push – gas escaping – that almost throws Tony off the door entirely, but he hangs on for dear life, until the entire section inside is empty.

Tony checks the map – and thank god, he didn't blow the entire gas bubble, just about twenty feet section of it. The thing is divided into sealed sections, thank, fucking, god.

"Okay, now we just need to get in," Tony mutters. He finally gets the door open by levering his shoulder against the opening and pushing until the plates finally give away, and the door dilates enough for him to squeeze in.

"92 Seconds of oxygen remaining," JARVIS informs him with a note of alarm in his voice.

"Gotta close it," Tony answers and then they do the whole door thing in reverse, forcing the sickle-like blades of the door back inwards, to close the iris. Thankfully that is easier – the thing is made to shut easily and open hard. "JARVIS, is it sealed? Is it airtight?"

"I am not hundred percent certain, sir, it would need to be tested with gas," JARVIS answers. "But I believe so."

"Right, awesome, excellent," Tony says and then blasts off from the door. JARVIS has the oxygen timer on the screen now – 56 seconds, 55 seconds…

Now that he has the technique figured out, he gets the next dilating bulkhead open in just fifteen unbearable seconds, rather than thirty, and shut in four. He loses some oxygen to physical exertion and by the time he gets the second bulk head shut, he's sitting at 31 seconds.

The gas settles – the bulkheads hold.

"JARVIS, if we put all we have into filters, is there any way we can get something I can breath out of this crap?" Tony asks desperately. 28 seconds.

JARVIS calculates it – and he must be desperate too because the HUD bluescreens for a moment into code before clearing back into image. "It won't be pleasant, sir, and it will diminish the lifespan of the filters by approximately 60%.

"My lifespan is diminished by 100% if we don't – just do it!"

JARVIS is right. It's not pleasant. It's not pleasant at all. Even with the filters working at 150% the small puff of air JARVIS gives him smells like rotten eggs and instantly makes Tony's head spin – too much methane, too much ammonia.

"Oh holy fucking – oh no, erugh," Tony gags in his helmet and has to take a moment to try and breathe in calmly in order to stop himself from vomiting – which doesn't actually help. "Oh no, nope, nuh-uh, can't. Oh my god I'm going to hurl. I can't hurl into a sealed helmet, I'll drown – oh my god."

"Small breaths through, sir," JARVIS suggests helplessly.

"Small breaths don't help – I think I can feel my lungs trying to crawl out of my body," Tony says and gags again. The urge to vomit is overwhelming. Body, trying to expel poisons. Wonderful. "I need proper filters and I need them now. Or a tank of pure oxygen – JARVIS you wouldn't have possibly spotted anything like that? Please tell me you did."

"I'm afraid not, sir," JARVIS answers regretfully. "However I have scanned the vehicle and I believe I have discovered some form of atmospheric regulator system."

"... and it being a space ship type of thing, it would have gas control," Tony says, trying to swallow around the terrible taste in his mouth and with shudder quickly looks around.

The Chitauri space station is… well, it's alien. Tony supposes he's lucky it's not some ghastly uncanny valley amalgamation of organic and inorganic like the Chitauri themselves – no, thankfully the place is fully metal. But it's just… alien. It's weird sort of grandiose with metal that looks almost golden, with angles that look almost artistic – but it's all set against a sort of dirty, washed out black that then makes everything look a bit like bottom of a rusting barrel. It's hard to put a word for it.

It would make a nice set for an Alien movie.

"Still no life signals?" Tony asks, swallowing and trying to ignore the way his stomach roils while giving a nearby wall a uneasy look. He thinks he's seen photo filters with that gradient – the one that makes everything look post-apocalyptic.

"None, sir," JARVIS replies.

Around them place is quiet and eerie and empty – dead, except for the occasional distant crash of debris hitting the remaining walls and structures of the space station. Every sound echoes hollowly in the distance. It's like they're in a submarine. Which is sinking. And falling apart.

Its just creepy, all of it.

"Okay," Tony says and shudders again. "Ugh, right. Talk me through the atmospheric regulator and let's see if we can get the methane and ammonia at least out before I fucking choke to death."

"Gladly, sir," JARVIS says and with the scanners online and constantly sweeping the area surrounding them, they set to explore the space station.

Eventually, Tony starts running into bodies.

A lot of bodies.

It seems that it wasn't just the Chitauri outside that got – un-remote-controlled. The ones inside had just keeled over too, leaving their cooling bodies floating all over the place. Close up and in the empty, creepy space station, they're even worse than they'd been on Earth. At least in Earth there had been familiar homely things around them to distract from the sheer… creepiness of the Chitauri.

Their faces look a lot like skulls, with bit of alien skin stretched over them.

"You know, as far alien invasion armies go, these guys are up there with the best of them," Tony comments. "Please tell me we're getting somewhere near some kind of control centre because I am probably going to freak out soon. And hyperventilating in this shit is not my idea of good time."

"I," JARVIS says and then stops. "I suspect I might have made a miscalculation."

"Oh?" Tony asks, subtly lifting a hand in case he's about to be attacked.

"I judged by the design of the walls that they lead into some sort of centralised control centre, but we have not so far encountered any sort of user interfaces. It might be that there are no physical controls here."

Tony frowns and looks around them. All the walls so far have been smooth – there are no door controls, no controls for lights, no panels, nothing. There is nothing resembling an user interface anywhere he can see. "Oh," he says and then looks down at a near by Chitauri body, floating a foot or so from the floor.

A cybernetically enhanced Chitauri body.

"They interface with their brains," Tony says flatly. "Of course they do."

"Well, via their uplinks, however those work," JARVIS agrees.

Shaking his head, Tony lowers himself down to prod at the dead Chitauri. The alien doesn't as much as twitch. "Sure they're dead?" Tony asks while the body slowly turns after his prod

"I am detecting nothing resembling organic life signature," JARVIS says. "And I believe their implants are… fried."

"Hm," Tony answers and pushes the Chitauri over. "Scan it and give me a picture."

The picture is somewhat grim one. Of course Tony isn't entirely sure the Chitauri kept their brains in their heads – or that they even had brains. But something had blown up in their heads, turning the insides into a goopy mushy mess.

"A self destruct," Tony surmises. "When the control centre blew up and they lost their uplink, it triggered a self destruct. That's a… bit gruesome."

"I suppose Chitauri do not know the concept of surrender, sir," JARVIS says.

Tony stands up again. "Shit," he then says. "I was hoping we could hijack whatever's left of this place. At least enough to give me a viable atmosphere to breath in, for fuck's sake."

There's a moment of silence, during which the hopelessness of being stranded on an alien ship full of poisonous gas with bunch of dead aliens with no way back home and no idea where in the universe he even is licks at the edge of his sanity. Then Tony pushes it aside because – fuck it, he's not dying here.

"Can you – JARVIS do you think you can interface with the station?" He asks. "We got our own uplink, any chance it's at all like the one Chitauri use? I mean the electromagnetic spectrum is the same for everyone and that's what everyone uses, right?"

"We can only hope," JARVIS answers and falls quiet, testing it out.

Tony breathes shallowly as he waits, shutting his eyes for a moment. He thinks he's maybe getting used to the smell of rotting eggs. Or it might be that his olfactory sense is getting completely fucking fried here. He's getting light headed though, more and more as time goes on. Definitely not enough oxygen.

"I don't think they use the electromagnetic spectrum in their communications sir," JARVIS finally says. "However I think – the station can hear me?"

"AI?" Tony answers, swallowing. His tongue feels rotten.

"I'm not certain," JARVIS answers in strange tone of voice. "It is receiving my communication, but it is not responding. I am not certain it can understand me."

"It's alien. Why would it? We got different languages. If it even uses language," Tony says and breathes in and out, in and out. "Try and – I don't know. How do people do first contact with different languages in movies? Universal constants, uh, atomic weights, electromagnetic spectrum – π? Mathematics?"

"I do not think the station can comprehend my programming language," JARVIS admits.

Tony thinks about it for a moment. His head is starting to pound, and his brain is probably not working as fast as it should. "Yes and no, negative and positive," he says. It's an alien ship and Chitauri obviously mastered space travel – that should mean that their computers would be on bar with the likes of JARVIS, he hopes. "Try – protons vs. electrons? Isotopes?"

"And how do I convey that, sir, when there is no coherent medium of communication?" JARVIS asks, sarcastic. "It cannot understand my code – and everything I try to say to it is, at the base level, code."

"Shit, okay, give me a moment," Tony says and tries to think it through. Fuck, he really isn't the guy for first contact language barriers, even if it is between two AIs. If the station even has an AI. "Okay, forget that – numbers. Send it patches of sequences in increasing order, with corresponding number symbol. See if you can teach it our number system."

JARVIS falls quiet while Tony just drifts in the zero gravity and tries not to choke. The silence stretches. And stretches. Eventually, Tony frowns. "JARVIS?"

"I believe it understood me," the AI answers warily. "It's sending prime numbers at me. Also, sir, I believe I now know number of undiscovered prime numbers?"

"Okay, awesome, you just hang onto those in case we ever make it back to Earth, you'll get a prize," Tony says. "How about you move to atoms now? Because there's bunch of atoms hanging around here I'd like not to be hanging around here."

- - -

Uploading this here too because of well timed six hour downtime on ao3, like, damn. Anyway, continued this piece but it didn’t really turn how I wanted it to and I got bored and I’m just going to leave it here.

#fanfiction #mcu #au #tony stark #jarvis #space #cursing #etc #posting on tumblr due to ao3 downtime

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emma-poole · 5 years

Text

Girl

In fifth grade, I imagined blowjobs similar to the way one eats corn on the cob- a mouth and two hands, head moving deliberately side to side, over and over again. I had no idea what a blowjob really meant, except that the mention of it to my girlfriends on the playground elicited widened eyes, nervous laughter, and the sweet satisfaction of having gained insight into a scandalous topic, all of which my ten-year old self delighted in providing.

I do not know why I was so concerned with felatio while still wearing training bras and old navy tech vests, yet even as a small child, sex fascinated me. A deep curiosity of the human form lived within me, and still does. Bodies, in particular naked ones, could stop me in my tracks; a mini statue, mouth-breathing. My mother’s breasts, the way my older girl cousins began filling out their clothing, the tightening of a calf muscle while kicking a soccer ball. Once noticed, I could not unsee all the human art around me. I wanted to talk about it, perhaps to see if others felt the same way. Which is why many of my most vivid memories take place on the playground of Hillside elementary, perched on a tall red jungle gym we referred to as the rocket, sharing information.

My mom had moved my older sister, three dogs, and me to Niskayuna that Fall, a small suburban town in upstate, New York, sprawling with manicured lawns, golf courses, and school spirit pasted on car bumper stickers. We didn’t have a lot of money, but the school district was good and my mother did everything in her power to make our opportunities limitless, often working three jobs while somehow managing to get lunches packed and a homemade dinner on the table every night. Grades were important, as was making the bed each morning and being kind, especially to the underdogs.

We lived in the attic apartment of my grandmother’s house for the first few months upon returning so my mother could get settled. This meant my sister and I could go lay in the waterbed- a queen sized fixture that took up most of the back bedroom of the house- at any time. I will always associate waterbeds with my Nana, as well as an entire home that still looked like it belonged in the 1970s. She never got around to changing the mustard-colored floral wallpaper in the kitchen, or the pea-green almost shag rug in the living room. She had an entire picture-frame wall dedicated to the many awkward stages of her family. Her home was her last prized possession, a mausoleum of sorts, to years passed and the people who lived in her memories. It was an altar to her beloveds.

As is usually the case with the new girl in town, I was a novelty. Tanned from the Florida sun, I stood up in front of my class, instructed by the teacher, and announced shyly, I am Emma Poole from Sarasota, Florida. I moved here with my mom and sister a few weeks ago. I wondered if the transition to New York would be as seamless as it was from Massachusetts to Florida, where I had joined a gymnastics team and befriended a girl named Shelby, whose backyard felt more like a mini amusement park, with twinkle lights and a giant heated pool, hot tub, waterslide and balcony. We used to take turns jumping off the waterfall balcony into the pool, our skinny legs not yet marked by the judgmental veil of teenage girlhood. Things had shifted a bit this time around; I was older. More aware of myself and the curious gazes of my classmates. I was aware of my body, albeit flat-chested and two years away from developing, and the way it reacted to the boy whose eyes squinted when he smiled, an unsettling but surprisingly pleasurable flush that crept from my chest to my neck only to land like blush applied in a hurry on the apple of each of my cheeks. Like a pen oozing ink onto paper. Messy, beautiful.

Two months into the school year, I had a solid group of three girlfriends who showed me the ropes around town and more importantly, around the school hallways and cafeteria. Initially, they had been jealous of my fresh new girl-ness, making jokes that they’d “adopted” me as a ploy to gain traction together. We wore pigtails and plaid button up shirts, gossiped over which boy was approaching who during recess, traded lunchables and ten-year old advice. We were as naive as we were wise. This was before the age of cell phones and social media. No instagram filters or facebook updates or internet body shaming. We still had to call each other’s houses and ask our friend’s parents to please put Kristen on the phone, and later, sneak into basements to giggle together over softcore paperview porn. One of the highlights of my fifth grade life was when Adam Pardi’s older brother, Nick, ( a highschooler!) called my nana’s house asking if I would prefer to go out with Adam or Dan, two boys I’d developed crushes on within the first few weeks of school. Why choose just one?

I chose Dan. My answer came in the form of a crumpled up note, minimal but straightforward, that said Dan. We- my friends and I- agreed that the boys could open the note the next day after school only once they were at least halfway down the road and we could watch their reaction. Adam lived around the corner from me in a section of town called Old Niskayuna. We watched the cluster of boys walk away and voraciously open the note. I hoped Dan was happy with my choice.

By the time I reached seventh grade, I had switched to an aggressively padded black bra and pencil thin eyebrows. I had acne, braces, and the early S curve of hips. My first makeout took place in the back of the Grand Union parking lot, along with six other girls who all kissed the same boy, and some more thereafter. Although I would not have sex until my senior year of highschool, or give a blowjob until sophomore year, people, mostly girls, associated me with the “fast” crowd. Somehow, even in my most awkward phase- which is not to be self-deprecating- I shaved my sideburns and baby hair- I still possessed confidence. I had come to know the male gaze well. I wanted it and fed off of it, while at the same time knowing when to stand up for myself and bark back if necessary. I had the uncanny ability to make fun of the boy I liked most, playing hard to get through feigned apathy and an I’m acting like I don’t give a shit even though I analyze every interaction we have attitude. Just as fifth-grade me possessed a preemptive all-knowingness about oral sex (but how?), thirteen-year old me was beginning to feel the many contradictions of living female in a male-dominated world.

I grew out of my stuttering habit by eighth grade, a speech impediment I still do not fully understand the origins of. I choked on words. S’s were hard, as were Ts and Ds. I practiced my student council speeches at home in my room, increasingly frustrated when a word lodged in my throat, stuck like gum in a windpipe swallowed unexpectedly. My brain worked faster than my mouth, which also grew in middle school. I wore a palette expander that caused a cute gap between my two front teeth, in order to widen my jaw. I did not think the gap was cute at the time, but warned all my friends that it would happen so as to be one step ahead of my own risked integrity. Like when you have a pimple you call attention to before anyone else can. Or tell all your friends you are extremely aware that your new boyfriend is substantially shorter than you would like, even though it’s clear they care far less about it than you do.

The first time a boy went down on me, he removed his glasses, set them aside on the nightstand, and kept his head between my legs for precisely thirty minutes. What is now a dream scenario felt confusing at fifteen- bless his poor tongue for keeping me company all that time, but lack of experience on both of our parts resulted in a mostly numb vagina and my brain spinning on how he wasn’t completely exhausted from having his head at that angle for so long. I loved his commitment, admired his determination. What a blissful and strange site to look down my belly and see his whole face perched on my most intimate parts! The power. The thrill. I still love that sight.

It would take many more years and partners to learn to verbalize what I wanted and how I wanted it. Some would get it the first time. Others, too stuck in their own mind or ego, are probably still walking around giving bad head.

I’m pretty sure I faked an orgasm in order to save both of us. He lifted his mouth, wet and swollen, smiling at his achievement. Putting his glasses back on, he slung his arm around me and we proceeded downstairs, back to the rest of our friends, most of whom were doing the same act minutes before. On facebook the other day, his face popped up. He is a lovely individual, and always has been. Looking at him now, my 29-year old heart felt a ping of compassion for the boy who gave me one of my firsts. For the small but calculated act of removing his eye glasses in order to commit to giving me pleasure.

I am not sure why I sat down to write about adulthood and instead had a reunion with ten-year old me. I suppose I feel protective of her, the little human who has always felt half-woman, half-girl, who watched her older sister develop breasts and in reaction, stuffed balled up tissue into her one piece bathing suit so she could have them too. Now, twenty years later, I marvel at my small but round boobs, thank them for having been there all this time. They are my hand pillows, a resting place for Robin’s head, and a reliable indicator to my arousal state when the right pair of lips transforms them from their cozy resting position into a suddenly alert alarm system, awake and ready.

I think of all the places this body has been. The other bodies she has allowed in, some beautiful, some far undeserving of her holiness. The way that bodies are both attached to and separate of the individual wearing them. How I clutch the soft skin that clings to my hips and both love and loathe it, our relationship a dialogue I am still learning. At times, I have fallen in love with the body, or its parts, more than the person it belonged to. His hands. The way they handled me. How our bodies always coexisted better than our minds. Or recently, someone I dated for four days, who turned out to be more arrogant than I’d thought, didn’t believe in seasoning his food, and ate meals consisting of a single sweet potato and lonely bell pepper, but whose mouth I could have lived inside- he had a tongue that made mine tingle, lips soft yet steadfast, deliberate in their intention. I fall asleep at night not missing him but his lips, both thankful to have had them and nostalgic for their suck.

I got my period for the first time while sitting down to pee in my nana’s bathroom. I was twelve, and I’d been waiting for it. So when I pulled down my pants to see a shiny red slick in my underwear, I sat for a moment, somewhat stunned. I left the bathroom that day feeling altered. My tiny girl body had made something tangible, something I’d heard about, something so…precisely...woman.

I walked into the kitchen with a secret. Mom, I muttered, newly shy...I got my period. She gasped. Congratulations, sweetie! This is wonderful.

I’m still somewhat amused at the blood in my underwear each month, how every time it arrives like an old friend, surprise visiting me when I least expect it. It’s no longer new, or a novelty. Most months it is ill-timed, causing me to rummage through the apartment with my pants around my ankles, searching every cabinet for a lone, hero tampon. And yet I’ve been bleeding for fifteen years and still feel gratitude at what my body can create. I think that’s why I am attracted to partners who possess an element of awe at the female body, as though I am something to be discovered, and then studied, and then practiced, over and over again.

At thirteen, I wanted big boobs. At twenty-five, purpose. Now, a t twenty-nine, I seek deeper understanding. Of the girl I once was, the woman I am today, and the she I continue to evolve into. I think, maybe, I am learning to become the love of my own damn life. She would be so proud, my ten-year old self, to know of all the wild and wonderful stories she’d take part in, both thrilling and at times, deeply painful. You were so brave, I’d tell her. And for the record, blowjobs are nothing like eating corn on the cob.

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deadeyehuckleberry · 7 years

Text

The echo of the wind through his hair and ears had him adjusting ever so slightly in his seated position, rifle nudging just the tiniest of fractions to the left. Compensation - he told himself - the wind would mean drag, it would mean off target, it would goddamn mean missing his target if he didn’t listen well to the lady of nature.

The target was standing there, laughing with another upon the deck of the boat the two were on. The middle of the lake meant no one to hassle them, no one to overhear deals or enjoyments that were illegal.

“Lining in sights,” he murmured into the coms, voice soft and barely there. Almost a shadow, a wisp. It was sometimes terrifying how accurate and how silent the kid was at all times. “Orders?”

“Can the kid even make that shot?” A gruff voice came through, causing him to grit his teeth and hold back a growl as he gripped his rifle even tighter, breath held. “It’s five miles from his position... The lake is in unrest, the boat is rocking, and they keep moving back and forth... Not to mention it’s right at the edge of the range of his rifle...”

“Watch me,” he hissed quietly, eyes narrowing as he grabbed a handful of chocolate mints from beside him. “Boss? Count down?”

“T-minus fifteen seconds.” The voice was suave and nothing but authority. “Line your shots, register your target...”

“Ten bucks says the kid doesn’t make the shot and we have to get in there...”

He grit his teeth at the words, determination roaring through him, an anger as an echo of a voice rebounded through his head from only a few months past. He’d do it. He’d show them. He’d make the shot, make Boss proud. Boss gets what Boss wants. Always.

“Ten seconds... Eight. Seven. Six... Five...”

The sound was soft, reverberating through his chest as the bullets left the gun. Two consecutive shots, one sound. The splatter of blood through the air before both men crumpled almost silently, and a part of him just seemed to relax, a loud sigh leaving his lips that could be heard over the coms even through the sound of the multiple swearings of “Holy shit! Holy shit! Did you see that? Holy shit!”

“Targets eliminated. Standing down and waiting for extraction...” He was able to grumble out, his world slightly spinning.

Ten. Hours.

Ten hours of having it activated. Ten hours of honing in upon two tiny targets with little room for mistake. Ten hours of following them down the lake to a position where it would be easier for clean up and less chance of them being heard or seen.

He couldn’t turn it off at that point, couldn’t stop the way his eye zoned in, the way it pinpointed the goddamn fly that was zipping around one of the bodies, the individual pump of it’s wings. He could not stop the way it zoomed in a bit more to the shore upon the other side of the boat, the way a small fox bounded it’s way through the brush along the trees’ edge line.

Heart hammering, anxiety building as well as panic, he started panting out over the open network. “Calm, mijo. Just calm. It’s alright. Deep breaths... Close your eyes...”

“I-Is... is that... Oh god!” He gasped out, tears coming to his eyes. “B-Boss! Boss!” It was almost a sob as he curled in on himself, hands gripping at his hair in his attack.

“Almost there, mijo. Almost there. Deep breaths. Turn it off...”

“I-I... I can’t!” He sobbed, covering his face with his hands. “It won’t turn off!”

“Longshot! Calm. Down! That’s an order!”

“B-Boss... Boss get what boss wants...” He was able to gasp out, hands curling into fists over his eyes as he tried to squeeze his eyes shut.

Boss gets what Boss wants. Always.

He hard learned that from a very young age. Deadlock taught him that... Pa taught him that.

Boss gets... what Boss wants.

“Well... his fist mission and he panics and has an anxiety attack after killin’ someone... Bonzer... Don’ seem like he’s Blackwatch material, Reyes...”

“I don’t need your opinion right now, Dingo. Just do your job, clean up the wake, and get to your extraction point...” The voice was starting to sound a little angry, and he winced at the tones he could hear.

It was like Pa all over again...

He didn’t want to be punished.

“I’m sorry... I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” it was gasped out, over and over again, tears leaking from his eyes as he rocked himself back and forth. “I’m... I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Boss! Please no! No! No!”

A hand on his shoulder had him wincing and tensing just before someone was pulling him into their arms and burying his face into their chest. “Shh, mijo... shh. I’m here. It’s alright. Mission complete. You did good...”

“He’s broken down, Reyes... He’s a liability...” The voice over the coms grunted before there was a disgusted noise. “Eugh... damn... I really owe you ten bucks, boss... Although... we should call it even since he broke down... Kid’s not ready for missions...”

“I don’t need your opinion, Dingo!” The man holding him snarled out before he calmed himself at the shiver that ran through him. “Easy, Longshot, easy... You did good, kid. You did good... Let’s get you back on the dropship and get that Eagle Eye of yours turned off, yeah?”

He nodded silently as he gripped onto Gabriel while the man easily hefted him into his arms and quickly carried him back to their transport.

Boss gets what Boss wants.

But his new boss...

His new Boss actually... cared.

#oc:dusty

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xxxdeadmemexxx-blog · 7 years

Text

Crooked Hillary: Tumblr warrior

It had been 15 years since the bombs fell. My name is Hillary. My world is fire. And blood. As the world fell to the man babies incompetence, we were each broken in our own way. It was hard to know who was more corrupt. Me, or everyone else. Here they come again. Drilling their way into my oil-black brain. I just tell myself... they cannot touch me. They're all deleted. I am the one who runs from both the voting public and Goldman Sachs. Hunted by trumpglodites. Haunted by the emails I could not delete. So I simply exist here in this hellscape, a woman reduced to one instinct: delete. "Honey, are you done narrating yet?" Bill's dulcet tones leaking from the back of my truck The war had been hard on him. The bombs burned him, their cruel fallout corrupting his once pure form. Then his mistresses escaped from the holding cells; leaving us alone. I crafted a crude suit of plate armour from the unsold "more like Chillary Clinton, ami rite?" coffee cups. Cutting them in half and gluing them to Bills... recreational leather outfits, I had no idea just how much I would need it in the coming dark days. We travelled the wastes for years after that, it twisted both of us into a semi-functional relationship. But then the trumpglodites came. Generations of inbreeding seemed to have happened in months after the world collapsed into madness. They were covered in boils, their mouths were inhabited by teeth that seemed to have been stolen from a multitude of animals and forced into unwilling gums. Each one wore the tattered red hat of the great man baby, that marked them as worshippers of the God-emperor of this new age. Like an American strain of smallpox that may or may not have been sold by my administration to Saddam Husain under my time as the head of state, they spread across these new lands like a plague. "Whoooooeeeeeeeee!. Boys I think we've found ourselves a new fuck-bag!" They whooped in enjoyment at this new development Then I realised they were talking about Bill. Their progressive-ness towards the choice of fuck toys really was surprising. "Honey, please don't let them rape me" I grabbed my sawed off shotgun from the passenger seat. Bill knew it was more useful than he could ever be. I took two shots at them. Their chests exploding into fountains of red, white and blue blood as the buckshot tore gaping holes into exposed flesh The pick up truck drove next to us, with hicks swinging baseball bats embedded with nails at us. One of them jumped onto the back of my truck and grabbed bill. Snatching the closest weapon to me, a rusty bread knife, I tossed it at the fat, balding man covered in talcum powder. The handle bounced off his temple, stunning him for an instant before he threw bill onto their truck bed, popping his largest back-boil. The fat one started playing with the puss-y slurry. Rubbing it across his pale chest while screeching the man-babies prayers. "Oh we thank you, great lord of shitposters! May your skin be crispy and your rule be reactionary!!" Bill just mumbled something about the economy before passing out. Once again, it was up to me to save our lives. I broke off my steel arm, and attached to the wheel with 4 'I'm with her' stickers to keep a stable course. Dropping a brick on the accelerator I climbed out of the sun roof, pistol in hand. I Thanked God that I lost when I discovered the cache of guns in that southern weirdos house. To think that I'd take away the average Americans ability to go on a killing spree. I shot the pus-covered ham planet on the floor. Bill yelped in glee, or the horrific pain he was surely in, the second man charged at me with a baseball bat; I dodged his first swing but the second struck my ribs. I could feel the bones crack. The damn Chinese workers! They'd half-assed my coffee cups!! I was beginning to feel the god-emperors tentacles worm their way into my mind. My hatred of the Chinese had opened the door. My vision blurred and I started shouting wildly, catching the driver by his humpback. He slumped over the wheel, sending the car into a spin. I grabbed bill and jumped off. The car slammed into a giant sandstone statue of the man baby. They'd really captured his skin tone with the sculpture. The car bent around it made it appear as if he had a rusty double chin. Bill gave his signature chuckle before our car slammed into the wreckage. He shut up after that I got him to crawl into the wreckage to salvage what he could. He came out with a half jerry can of petrol, 3 bags of cheap beef jerky and a litre of moonshine. No water though. It took us a few days before we found the next settlement. A nuke town in Nevada that had been repopulated after the bombs. It's not like it was less radioactive than anywhere else at this point. It was ringed by a 10 foot high wall made of a multitude of fallen airplanes. The door was a massive steel thing made of melted fuselage flanked by twin watchtowers. Whenever someone wanted to enter, the jet engines fired up and forced the doors apart. It was quite a sight, made all the more impressive by how mind-bogglingly drunk we were. The guards shouted something down at us. I slurred out a "Vote for Hillary!!!" Before collapsing into a drunken mess. I was taken to their leader, a proud tumblr-ite ham-planet with a mane of thin, bright red hair. The court of LGBTQQP2SAA+ had been summoned. "While it is an honour to have such a worthy woman in our presence, we must know how you learnt our password" the ham planet snorted, self righteously "I made your goddamn password! I'm Hillary!" The court gasped. The otherkin. A white prick dressed in a home made wolf costume stood up. "As a wild animal, I can't speak for you humans but I say the saviour has returned to bring us into the light!" "Honey, have you had another cult founded after you? I swear to the many or singular gods of whatever culture you people identify with, this is a real surprise" The crowd screeched "REEEEEEEEEE!!!" At the implication that they were boring white people who'd simply constructed a bullshit identity for themselves to make them feel special, while degrading the actual struggles of LGBT people by making them all seem like a bunch of idiot children swapping genders like Pokemon cards. All the while actual LGBT rights are degraded by powerful institutions with little public outcry because the vocal minority has poisoned the publics perspective of the overall movement. I looked at the crowd, yet again it was a sea of white faces topped by a rainbow of hair colours. I wondered why my cults were always whiter than a polar bear in a snowstorm, I had over 90% of the black vote after all. "It's probably because they generally don't like groups that degrade their freedom and individuality, honey, it's probably a historical thing" Bill whispered into my ear "No shit" I whispered back The crowd murmured at my insolence. Bill slunk behind me. God I loved that mutated freak. "Non-binary entities and trans age individuals rejoice!!! Our saviour is here!!" The weirdos and pedophiles cheered in unison at my presence. Great, I was to play the role of hero again" "Zee! We see his war band on the horizon" She clambered onto her throne before a team of emaciated man heaved it onto their shoulders. "It's time for our saviour to... save us. Go, oh great crooked one. Slay the baby-man!!" A great drum beat started from outside the walls, accompanied by a chorus of revving engines. The centre vehicle, a cross between a monster truck and the presidential Cadillac roared before the sunroof opened and the man-baby's head popped out like am obese egg in a wig. "We are gonna take your town. Ok, people are always telling me 'holy one, I love what your empire is turning into. But I don't think the road of chaos and madness you've walked can continue' I always tell them the same thing: HOW DARE YOU DOUBT THE GOD-EMPEROR!! FOR YOUR INSOLENCE YOU WILL BE CRUCIFIED AT DAWN!" His voice turned gelatinous for the final part of his rant. Less of a sound and more of a force. Apparently this happened quite a lot as there was a suspiciously large amount of giant crosses in his fleet of garbage trucks. One of the presidential monster trucks doors opened and a man dressed in black latex wearing a gimp mask dropped out before trump himself leaped to the ground. He was glorious. Skin the colour of an overcooked McNugget that hung from him like melted cheese , eyes that belied the intelligence of some small rodent. He wore his wives skin on his shoulders. His neck fat swayed in the hot breeze. There was a moment of quiet, he just stood there. Letting his presence speak for itself. His studded leather diaper gleamed in the desert sun. The gimp was attached to him by a dog lead strapped to a shock collar. "When the cross is extinguished we will attack. Until then there is always the option of surrender" A shiteating smirk spread wide across his face. A group of men in white robes and pointy hats threw a giant cross into the sand. One withdrew a flaming torch from its loose folds, setting the cross ablaze. The ham planet surrendered almost immediately. Frightened by the scary man with the crispy brown skin. Then hope arose from the rainbow ranks. An elderly black man with a shock of white hair stood up, walked calmly to the wall. Raised his arm to 90 degrees before making a fist at the rat-eyed fuck. Slowly the middle finger rose, like a flower blooming at midnight. The cross collapsed at this show of Rebellion. The white robes flew into the breeze, their ethereal bodies revealed. "Well shit. That worked better than I'd thought" he said before removing his wig. Revealing that he was... The king before the bombs! He looked into the crowd, searching for me. He sunk into the floor, rising next to me. "My time is over, my arrogance led to his rise. But it's not too late for you" he whispered I didn't bother pointing out how much older I was than him. The radiation had not been kind to his complexion. He took my hand and softly placed a giant bull-barrelled magnum into my hand. "This is the presidential hand-cannon, I have no need for it anymore. My time is near and you'll need it to kill the man-baby" I clutched it close to my chest before he scattered to the wind like autumn leaves. I knew what I had to do. Taking my place at the watchtower. I shouted a challenge at the crispy prick. "I'm gonna rip your nutsack off and make a purse for bill!!" "I don't see how those things correlate. You can't make a purse, you're too old!" I ignored the confusing insult and took aim with my new pistol. I blasted a massive hole in his chest. He wasn't lying. He really did bleed red, white and blue. A quirk of constant radiation, I suppose. The gimp then started spooning his corpse, sobbing and mumbling something about Jesus. The sound carried far on his dropped megaphone. A few chuckles were silenced by the gay guards and their night-dicks. And that was the end of it, they gave me a rainbow Dodge Charger as compensation. Bill sighed at the sight. I was fine with it. It was a car, after all, nothing to complain about. We drove into the hot desert. One less monster in the wasteland, a shame there would always be more. Good thing I had 5 bullets left in the holy hand-cannons chamber, ready to slay the most brutal of post-apocalyptic wannabe warlords.

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