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#home alone

Solo perché non lo leggi non vuol dire che io stia bene

Solo perché non lo scrivo non vuol dire che non mi manchi

Solo perché sto zitta non vuol dire che non stia soffrendo

Solo perché sono sparita non vuol dire che io lo voglia sul serio

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existentially exhausted (1)

04/04/20

today i feel helpless

all my hard work, emotionally and mentally, seems worthless. not sure i can do college, not sure i can move out, everything scares me to the point of petrification. i begin to wonder about the fantasies of ending my existence. why would i? why shouldn’t i? what holds me back? that last question always helps me lead those thoughts to rest. doesn’t hurt to wonder? right? the immediate gratification i would feel would be enough. the immediate weight lifted off my shoulders. no more stress about money or dependencies or the future or reliabilities or my mother’s drinking habit. speaking of, i’ve recently been thinking the times i’ve been with my mother sober in the past couple years have to be less than a month. every night she stumbles in my room spitting nonsense. am i okay? what’s wrong with me? how’s my medicine? the stress about her job and her constant need for validation and rage she gets when i don’t pay attention to her. i fear if i left she would roll over and die without my support. i feel like emotionally i have to hold her together and it’s exhausting. everything’s exhausting. my hair my clothes my ascetic my future. did you know i can’t picture myself in the future? always comes up blank. i’m a huge believer in fate and i’m not sure what any of it means. whatever happens, will be. but i just don’t wanna be here anymore. being at my house, or eating a single piece of food makes me want to crawl out of my own fucking skin with rage and humiliation. i can’t do this anymore. shits has to change soon or i believe i may drive myself to my end.

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what I hate is that during days I seem to be quite all right but at nigh all horrible thoughts come to my brain and I cannot sleep… this is not good

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