#homeboy sees a horse and freaks the fuck out

[kiddokori]

i didnt sleep qt all last night and at 2am it occured to me skyword sword link has no idea what the fuck a horse is

#im sure someones made this joke before #but it wouldnt stop bugging me #homeboy sees a horse and freaks the fuck out #sky: GET YOUR DOG #time: it dont bite #sky: YES IT DO #skyward sword #legend of zelda #myart

[caffeineivore]

Moar Spirits for Spirit

Prompt: M/N, Neck

**

At this hour of night, this section of Central Park is all but deserted, which serves the purposes of the two young men meeting there just fine. The older of the two unties the red bandanna around his head and stuffs it into a pocket before stepping out into the light-- the colour is too eye-catching, even at this hour of night, and likely to draw the attention of passersby or the odd passing cop. The star-shaped tattoo on his wrist is a little less noticeable. 

He doesn’t give the other boy much of a greeting beyond a fairly elaborate handshake-fist-bump combination, during which money changes hands, but sits down at the base of the a statue-- fairly new, some dude in a cape holding a sword atop a horse, lights up a cigarette as he counts the wadded-up cash. “That’s a little bit more than what I asked, Trey. Wanna tell me what’s up?”

Trey is perhaps all of fifteen, gangly but baby-faced, shuffling his feet in his battered red high-tops. “Well, I got together some extra. You know. Isn’t that good, Switch?”

The evasiveness of Trey’s body language and his non-answer to Switch’s question makes the older boy lean forward, all but trapping him against the statue’s concrete base. “Don’t tell me you’re trying to get up to some shit, now. I don’t think that’d be a smart idea.”

“I just-- I got a new caseworker. She actually cares. I’ve been going to school and I think I might be able to graduate. She’s even helping me get a part-time job.” Trey’s still too young to know not to babble out sensitive information when he’s nervous, and so he rambles, shrinking away from Switch’s thunderous expression. “I won’t snitch or nothing, I promise. She doesn’t know anything about any of that, and I’m not gonna tell her. I just think I should get out of this so that it won’t fuck up my chances.”

“And you think it’s that easy, huh?” 

The snick of a knife being drawn is all but silent, and yet to Trey, in this still and deadly-silent park, it’s loud as a gunshot, almost as loud as the pulse pounding in his throat. Switch-- short for Switchblade, his weapon of choice, so easily hidden, and yet, flicked open close enough to his face to nick the tip of his nose, so lethal, all the same. “We took care of you when your trickin’ mama couldn’t. And now you think an extra hundred dollars gets you a free pass? An out?” Switch’s face is close enough to Trey’s that flecks of saliva impact against Trey’s cheek with his words, but the boy is too terrified to be grossed out. “You seen what happens to snitches. I guess you about to see what happens to rats going green, too.”

Trey is too scared to do more than yelp and squeeze his eyes shut, but the slash of the knife never comes. He hears a rumble, feels the earth shake in its very foundations at his feet. Maybe this is what an earthquake feels like, or the Apocalypse. Suddenly he doesn’t feel the pressure of a body up in his face any more, and hears Switch screaming.

He opens his eyes, and sees his former fellow gang member airborne, hoisted up by the scruff of his neck like a kitten, arms and legs dangling helplessly. The man holding him immobile is tall and muscular, looking like something out of King Arthur or maybe the Vikings, and has the tip of a wicked-looking sword that makes Switch’s knife look like a toothpick in comparison held to Switch’s throat. Trey has no idea where his mysterious saviour had come from; certainly, he’d not heard anyone or anything approaching just a moment ago. The man turns his face towards Trey, eyes dark and flashing.

“Run, you dithering knave! What are you waiting for?”

Trey jerks into action and jumps to his feet, dashing for the nearest exit. He almost crashes into a woman walking into the park, but manages to avoid her at the last second with a hasty “’Scuse me, ma’am!”. Maybe his new caseworker would help him evade Switch and any of the others who would likely now try to beat his ass. Angela. He’d never met anyone like her before, capable of giving him reason to hope for the better. 

“You’re excused.” Linden knows terror when she sees it, and it’s all but radiating off the boy in waves. It doesn’t take much to ascertain, based on his speed and direction, that he must have come from that particular section of the park, and she quickens her footsteps. She’s not quite prepared, however, to see her noble, impetuous, good-hearted idiot of a knight holding a flailing young man aloft twenty feet in the air. 

“Drop him. Hard enough to immobilize him. Not hard enough to kill him.” 

Nathalán follows her directive, but at that distance, Switch is still immediately rendered unconscious by the drop. Linden kicks away the knife that falls from his hand hard enough that it splashes into the pond, then bends over him, critically. 

“He’ll live. Probably a bit of a concussion and definitely will be favouring his left leg, but he may make it another year. Unless his lifestyle gets the best of him.” She is no fool, and certainly the tattoos and colours are a dead giveaway of his affiliation and probable livelihood. “I suppose he was shaking down the other one who ran out like the hounds of hell were pursuing him?”

“The other one was trying to bow out. Abjure the group which he’d been part of. They’ve been gathering more often, of late, in the park late at night. Selling their bags of powder or pastiles.”

“Kid’s trying to jump out of a street gang,” Linden shakes her splendid, curly head. “He’s lucky to have escaped with his life.”

“Will they seek retribution, then?” Nathalán asks in his blunt, direct way. “He is but a child. Foolish, undoubtedly, but not worthy of the ills they would visit upon him.”

“He shouldn’t have gotten tangled up with the street life,” Linden murmurs. “But I suppose I can’t fault you for having sympathy for foolhardy lads with more bravado than sense.” Nimbly, she clambers up onto the statuary’s base, so that she can look him in the eye. “I daresay you saved his life just now.”

His hand, so rough and inexorable around Switch’s neck, is gentle as it traces her back, pausing over her shoulder-blades where her wings would be when she’s in her most primordial and deadly of forms. “Maybe I see something of myself in him-- a yearning to regain honour that’s been lost. A desire to be worthy, someday, of love and forgiveness.” He dips his head, and the lips that touch her temple are soft and not at all cold, for the moment. “I just thought-- he should get that chance. As I did.”

“You are shameless and incorrigible,” Linden tells him, unable to stop a wry laugh from bubbling up. “I’ll see what I can do, I suppose.”

“I shall keep watch from here, as usual. And let you know if there is news.”

**

Though he was certainly not opposed to being inundated by some very nice drugs, courtesy of the emergency room staff at the hospital, Switch didn’t enjoy being laid up, not one bit. No one believed him, of course, and part of him was afraid that maybe he really was losing it. Certainly there was no freaking way that he’d been plucked off the ground by some statue come to life like something out of a Harry Potter movie, then unceremoniously dropped like a used Kleenex. He’d been found the next morning by park maintenance and by all accounts was lucky to be alive-- between the concussion and the broken leg and the freezing temperatures. Of course the po-po’s had not bought the story of why he’d been there so late, and they’d busted him cold with Oxy’s and two dime-bags of blow. One of the narcos actually had the nerve to laugh at him. “Well, Switch, maybe you wouldn’t be imagining such things if you weren’t high all the time. Funny how these things happen only to people like you.”

He hated the fucking cops.

Of course, there’d be the whole parade of possession charges and court and probie. And then he’d get down to business. Trey, specifically, was at fault for the predicament that he’d found himself in at present, and therefore needed to face the consequences of his actions. He still had homeboys on the street who could take care of a miserable little prick as easy as one-two-three. Just as soon as he managed to get out of this godforsaken hospital, of course. When he was somewhere not handcuffed to a bed.

The TV is set to one of the cooking shows, probably the food network or something, and the hostess is a super hot lady with curly reddish-brown hair and fantastic boobs behind her cute little apron get-up, showing the audience how to make some type of fancy holiday roast thing. 

“The most important part of this is letting it rest. You don’t want to carve it right away, not while it’s still tense from the heat and stress of the cooking process.” The perky hostess explains as she pulls the steaming roast out of the oven with bright-green mitts. Switch barely pays attention to her long-winded explanation, but out of nowhere, the TV starts to flicker, then go to static. Yet, eerily, though the entire pretty suburban-kitchen background of the cooking show disappears into that black-and-white-snowfall-effect, the cooking lady remains, facing him head-on, brandishing a carving knife with casual, deadly expertise in one hand and a knife-honer in the other. She’s got great boobs and is all smiles, but Switch knows, just from the way she’s holding it, that she’s as deadly with a bladed weapon as he is. 

“Rest, now.” The lady’s voice is still sweet, terrifyingly so. “I’ll carve it when it’s ready. There will be enough for everyone, even those who want seconds.” Switch clutches at the sheets and attempts to scoot back, but his bum leg keeps him immobile, as do the handcuffs. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do now. You wouldn’t want to ruin things, would you?” For one electrifying, nightmarish moment, he could swear that the cooking lady’s eyes go red as blood on that television screen even as the ring of carbon steel echoes eerily in the room. Switch feels cold sweat beading on the back of his neck, and on his upper lip, goose-flesh breaking out over his arms. 

“Fuck all this.” Shakily, he hits the button to summon a nurse. “Get that asshole pig in here. I need to talk to him.”

#m/n #senshi/shitennou #sailor moon #fanfiction #fanfic

[greekmythstoldbyanasshole]

Odysseus

So first off, we’re going to talk about Odysseus. Odysseus was like that smart, but weasely guy you know. The kind of guy who is great to have around if you need to find a way to sneak out of a bad blind date, but also the kind of guy who cheats on his wife while she’s sitting at home literally turning away handsome and rich guys left and right. 

But I digress. 

So, Odysseus was on his way back from the Trojan War on his way home to Ithaca. The place, not the college. At this point, his ego must have been huge, since he created the entire field of hacking when he designed the original Trojan Horse. 

After leaving Troy, Odysseus and his buddies were looking for a place to stop and chill out for a bit. I mean, I probably would have just grabbed a couple of Red Bulls and tried to power through until I got home, but that’s just me. They eventually found an island and thought, “This island probably isn’t full of monsters, so that’s cool.”

Island was totally full of monsters. It held the terrible Cyclopes, known for horrendous things like living in caves, eschewing government (and law) and grouwing crops from rain personally sprinkled by Zeus. Seriously? This is the description that these guys get? They’re horrible because they are special farmers who live in caves and fuck with the government? They’re only a few steps away from being a US Senator. 

Odysseus, feeling like Jesus, took 12 of his guys with him to do some ‘splorin’. He told everyone else to stay on board and remain at the ready at their oars, to which I’m sure the not-cool-enough-to-be-a-part-of-the-landing-party guys gave a very convincing nod and said, “Ya, we’re totally going to do that.”

O-dawg and crew then saw a cyclops and decided that the best course of action would be to follow the fucker while holding a wineskin full of specifically unmixed wine. None of that “Barefoot Red Blend” bullshit. 

Ok, so at the beginning of the story, I know I said that Odysseus was super smart, but the following tidbit makes him seem like a bit of a moron. He took one look at the big, ugly, Fox News Conspiracy touting Cyclopes and was like, “It’s customary for all Greeks to be, like, super inviting hosts, who give out sweet gifts to their guests. I’m sure these guys will be like that and not murder us in their caves or anything.”

Then, like a normal Air BnB guest, Odysseus waited in the bushes until the cylops started tending to his sheep, and then snuck into his house. 

When they got into the cave, everyone started bitching about how musty and cluttered it was, as if they hadn’t just broken in hoping for free shit. There were baskets full of cheese and animal pens full of lambs and little baby goats, who were hopefully weraing those little pajamas like you always see on Facebook. The cyclops had made a bed out of willow branches because Ikea hadn’t been invented yet. 

After a while, Odysseus’s homeboys started getting nervous about the whole, “breaking and entering” thing, so they suggested some light robbery. 

“Why don’t we just take some cheese and leave?” They asked, like dicks, “We can always come back later for some lambs.”

Odysseus decided to take the moral high ground. He packed up their things, left a nice tip and a detailed review, got back on his ship and sailed home. 

Just kidding. He acted like a baby. 

“They’re supposed to give us a gift because we’re their guests,” he pouted, knowing full well the difference between an intruder and a guest. He also had a name! How great. His name was Polyphemus, which definitely doesn’t sound like a sexuality. 

So Polyphemus came back to his house and had his sheep with him (like a normal person), rolled his rock-door into place and then milked his sheep. When he was done, he realized that there were 13 strange men in his cave. Not one to judge, but what kind of life does Polyphemus lead that he doesn’t notice 13 random guys in his house? Just how into milking his sheep does he get? Also, what were Odysseus and his crew doing while they were waiting? Politely coughing to let him know that people were watching? There are so many questions. 

When Polyphemus finally got around to talkking to them, he said, “Who the hell are you guys? Like, pirates? Or what?”

Odysseus, super pumped to get his weird guest-gift, said, “We’re Achaen soldiers. We were just fighting in Troy, but we got blown off course, so now we’re here by Fate. We’re in your cave because Zeus says that hosts should give their guests gifts...so...you know...”

“Dumbass,” Polyphemus retorted, “We’re Cyclopes, bruh. We don’t care about Zeus’s laws. We helped him defeat the Titans, so now he waters our plants. He’s essentially our sprinkler system. But,” he continued, “I do care about something. Where did you land your ship?”

As soon as Polyphemus said this, all of Odysseus’s men were probably like, “Fuck. We’re probably not getting that god-damned gift basket.”

Odysseus, though, being the king of thinky-thinky said, “We don’t have a ship. Poseidon decided to smash it against some rocks. We are the only survivors.”

Suddenly, Polyphemus remembered that he hated the number 13, so he grabbed the 2 nearest guys to him, smashed their heads against the wall, and then fucking helped himself to a nice meal. 

Cyclops Cave Air Bnb:

           We got some free cheese and the goat yoga was fantastic, but the host fucking ate my cousin. 2/5 stars

After that, the cyclops laid down on his sad excuse for a bed and went to sleep. 

After apparently just hanging out while his buddies got devoured, Odysseus pulled his sword out of his ass and charged headlong at Polyphemus. However, he paused halfway down the cave as soon as he remembered that there was a big-ass rock blocking the doorway. Remembering that he was better at verbal jousting than physical activity, Odysseus put down his sword to think up a plan. 

After waking up, the giant strolled over to his kitchen, cracked 2 eggs and made himself an omelette. Only, instead of eggs, it was men. Because this guy is just terrible. 

After this, Polyphemus led his sheep out to pasture, and rolled the stone back into place, because everyone in this story is a dick. 

At this point, Odysseus’s men start to cry, which is the first reasonable reaction anyone has had up until this point. Meanwhile, Odysseus decided to try something useful for a change. Among his weird collection of things, Polyphemus had a “hug olive wood log” which was “definitely not a dildo.” Odysseus told his men to sharpen the log and then harden it in the fire. 

When Polyphemus got back, he milked his sheep and then ate some Panda Express while watching Ellen. Nah, he ate more guys. 

After the cyclops was done eating, Odysseus gave him some of that crazy, unmixed wine. Which was apparently a big deal because, apparently back then, everyone would lose a drinking competition to a college girl named Amanda who passes out after 1 1/2 Bacardi Breezers. Anyways, Polyphemus downed it. 

“You know,” the cyclops slurred, “If you tell me your name, I’ll give you a gift.”

At this, Odysseus got a guest-gift hard-on. It didn’t matter that literally half of his men died, he was going to get some decorative bath soap. Odysseus just smiled like a sleazeball while pouring more wine. Not yet having gotten the spins, Polyphemus continued drinking. This whole cycle repeated itself again, and not until the cyclops was good and wasted did Odysseus say,

“You want to know my name? My name is Nobody. That’s definitely what everyone calls me. Nobody. I would tell you to ask my buddy over there to vouch for me, but you fucking ate him.”

Accepting this to be as normal of a name as Polyphemus, Polyphemus said, “Well, Nobody, here’s your gift: I’ll eat you last!”

At this, the cyclops laughed so hard that he threw up the wine and human bits, and then passed out in all of that. 

Gross. 

Without a moment to lose, Odysseus and his men pulled the log “out of hiding,” whatever that means, and stuck it in the fire until it was as red-hot as early 2000′s Ricky Martin. The men took the flaming rod and jammed it into the cyclops’ eye hole. Since he had killed all their buddies, they made sure to wiggle it all around and keep it there until his blood boiled out of the socket. 

Gross.

Meanwhile, Polyphemus was understandably freaking the fuck out. He was causing such a hubbub that all of the nearby cyclopes came over to see what all the yelling was about.

“Dammit, Polyphemus, what is wrong? Surely nobody is killing you by force or treachery?” they asked, apparently unaware of all the strapping young men in the cave.

Polyphemus screamed, “Yes! Nobody is killing me by force and treachery!” 

Apparently fed up with his sarcastic-ass answers, the other cyclopes said, “Ok, man. Whatever. If you are alone and screaming like that, you must be crazy. Try praying to Poseidon to cure your womanly hysteria.” And, without opening the door like decent friends, you know, to see if he was actually ok, the cyclopes just left. “Eh, he’ll be fine.”

Hearing all of his definitely-not-getting-Christmas-presents-this-year friends leave, Polyphemus screamed. He shoved the boulder out of the way and stood in the opening, ready to catch any shithead who tried to escape. However, Odysseus weren’t no bitch. 

Later that night, after the cyclops had put in his earplugs or something, Odysseus stole some branches from the branchopedic bed and used the branches to tie groups of 3 sheep together. He did this just enough times so that each of his buddies would have a 3 sheep luxury package, but not enough for him, because he was an arrogant motherfucker. 

After tying the three sheep together, he told his crew to each grab on to the belly of a sheep, which, I guess, were huge? Odysseus took the biggest ram for himself (phrasing) and held on. 

Instead of waiting until, like, 5 o’clock in the morning to grab some sheep, the poor suckers spent the whole night hanging upside down. When the sun finally rose, Polyphemus let his sheepies out to play. As the sheep went by their blind master, he tapped each one on the back to make sure no one was escaping. The following is how I picture that scene to have played out:

*pat pat*

“Hmm, this is weird. 3 of my sheep must have gotten tangled in my bed and got stuck together. I’ll deal with that later. Next!”

*pat pat*

“God, my sheep are dumb today. 3 more sheep are stuck together. Good thing I’m patting these sheep down for escaping prisoners, or I might think someone was up to something.”

*pat pat*

Odysseus and his big ram *wink wink* were the last to leave. As it came near the cave’s entrance, Polyphemus put on his Border Patrol cap and stopped the ram.

“My old buddy,” Polyphemus said to the ram, probably while looking in the wrong direction, “why are you in the back today? You usually lead the group. Maybe you feel bad that daddykins got blinded by that big, mean bully, Nobody? And he got me drunk! Rude. I’m sure if you could talk, you would tell me where he is hiding.”

But he couldn’t talk, because he was a ram, and that would not be logical. Like the rest of the story. 

Odysseus had a mild panic attack when Polyphemus *pat pat*ed his ram down, before it waddled over to its friends in the pasture. 

When all the sheep had gone far enough away from the cave, Odysseus and his men released themselves from the sheep. Can you imagine how badly their arms must have hurt at that point? I mean, I sometimes need to take a break when I’m straightening my hair, and that takes, like, 8 minutes. Tops.

After getting off the sheep with jello-for-arms, they grabbed a bunch of lambs (with their mouths?) and hauled ass down the mountain. When he finally reached his ship, Odysseus, being an arrogant moron, turned around and yelled, “You! The guy who was a dick and ate your guests, the ones who totally didn’t sneak into your shitty cave, I hope you enjoy the punishment Zeus has in store for you!”

Polyphemus, the guy who didn’t just hear the whole sheep plan, nor the sheep yoking, nor the lamb stealing, heard this taunt from forever away on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Pissed, he grabbed a piece of the mountain and threw it at the ship. It’s a whole new level of angry to rip off, and then throw, a piece of mountain. The piece of mountain grazed the ship, which resulted in a mini tsunami. This pushed Odysseus back into the shore. His crew frantically pushed the boat back out, where they doubled the distance they had before. Odysseus was about to call out to the cyclops again, but his crew told him to shut the hell up and be glad that they had escaped. However, Odysseus was mad and arrogant, and Twitter didn’t have the balls to block his account, even with all the racism and threats of nuclear war, so he yelled again. 

“Cyclops! If anyone asks you who blinded you, you can tell them it was Odysseus of Ithaca!”

Hearing this, Polyphemus remembered a prophesy he’d heard about the Boy Who Lived. No, not that one. About Odysseus. He prayed to Poseidon in the style of Veruca Salt, if Veruca Salt had become a dictator. 

“Don’t let Odysseus make it home! Actually, no. Let him go home, but all his friends die! And...it takes forever! And when he gets there, there’s a whole bunch of shit going on! And make his lawyer get arrested for paying off a prostitute! And kill his hamster!”

After praying/bitching, Polyphemus threw another mountain chunk at Odysseus. This throw also resulted in a mini tsunami that pushed his boat to shore. This time, however, it pushed the boat towards the rest of Odysseus’s fleet, which apparently existed. Instead of booking it, the men decided that right then was the best time for a gyro, so they ate a feast of the lambs they had stolen and drank DILUTED wine. When the sun rose the next morning, they took sail. They were happy to be alive, but also really sad about the guys who had been turned into BK’s Chicken Fries. 

But, the fun was just beginning because Poseidon was pissed. 

#odysseus #trojan war #greek mythology #poseidon #odyssey #funny

[andrewberkowitz]

2017 - A Year In Review

I’m not a pessimist, but it sure is hard to find the positives in 2017.  We’ve lived through almost a full year of a sexual predator as our President, seen thousands lose their lives to senseless gun violence, and have had our racial tensions soar to impossibly new heights. Changes are happening every day and sometimes it’s hard to tell if we’re even heading in the right direction. The world is scary for everyone right now, and while it’s important to stay vigilant, everyone also deserves a distraction every now and again. Some people sweat out their stress by running marathons, others through hot-yoga, and others through leaving our country all together and traveling the world. My decompression, as it always has been, is through totally immersing myself in the endless abundance that is New Music and dissecting it until the late hours of the night. This year, I was slightly disappointed by the lack of consistency from bands and songwriters. There was no Lemonade to inspire us, no Blonde to lullaby us, and no Life of Pablo to wake us the fuck up. In fact, 2017 feels like the year mainstream rap and pop just took a year off. DAMN. was alright, but overall, I wasn’t compelled by anything that made its way to the Top 50 Charts. So, where does that leave us? With an obscure collection of mostly sad, but beautiful songs that I don’t recommend playing at parties. Grab some tissues, and enjoy. Best Songs of 2017 25. “In Chains” – The War on Drugs Truly almost any song from The War on Drug’s fourth and best album A Deeper Understanding could’ve made the Top 25 list of the year, and I chose “In Chains,” sort of arbitrarily. “Chains” is classic The War on Drugs. A repetitive piano line, grazing synth, and straight-forward percussion chugs the song along until screeching guitars whip us into an incredible chorus that would make Bruce Springsteen diehards sprint down the nearest turnpike at blistering speed. Also, on the topic of The Boss, if the piano solo at the very end is not a blatant ode to “Jungleland,” than I don’t know what is.

24. “The Grocery” – Manchester Orchestra

It’s really hard to include this song by itself because it really belongs as a companion piece to the two-minute “The Sunshine” that proceeds it. In fact, the entire album of A Black Mile To the Surface is such a cohesive album from front to back that it’s hard to appreciate the parts of its sum and not just the whole itself. Alas, if Black Mile is a cohesive narrative, than the “The Grocery” is its epic chapter. After a near death (“you squeeze on the trigger / but all it does is click”), the song builds into an impossibly gorgeous wall of sound, a mix of multiple layers of pitched up vocals, guitars, pianos, and drums. It’s everything, all at once, and it’s freaking awesome.

23. “Through The Roses” – Future Islands Arguably the hardest working person in the business, Sam Herring, frontman of Future Island brings all the emotions to the front on “Through The Roses,” a deep-cut off the AOTY contender The Far Field. Somehow Future Islands always finds a way to make singing about pain so danceable and this is no different. “Through The Roses,” is one of the most emotionally affecting (“it’s not easy being human”) and lyrically vivid (“the cut is waiting / the cut is waxing and it’s cold) songs in his entire catalog, but it will also the one that will get stuck in your head the longest.

22. “Tonite” – LCD Soundsytem

When I first heard this song, I really wanted to hate it. From the jump, we are greeted with a cheesy 80s house beat, SNL-inspired cowbell, and the hyper-processed vocals we're used to hearing in Daft Punk songs. "Tonite" chugs along for four minutes, gradually adding tension with the help of a gorgeous synth line, anxious guitar plucking, and a choir of echo-ing vocal harmonies. In the song's final two minutes, Murphy substitutes his talking for singing and the pay-off is incredible. With lines like “you hate the idea that you’re wasting your youth" and "terrible people know better than you / the use and abuse of the wants of dear listener," you'll be mad at yourself for questioning this incredible song in the first place.

21. “Losing All Sense” – Grizzly Bear

A standout single of the new record, Painted Ruins, “Losing All Sense,” is one of Grizzly Bear’s most accessible songs ever recorded. A bouncy guitar riff pushes along the up-tempo song until a kaleidoscopic chorus takes over, slowing the song down to a crawl as Ed Droste anchors the moment with the thoughtful lyric, “could I ask of you / not to cut into me?” It’s such a great juxtaposition of jingling, upbeat instrumentation and dark lyricism. Not since “Two Weeks” have we seen a Grizzly Bear song this replayable, which is such a nice reprieve from the dense tracks that cover the rest of the album.

20. “Proud” - (Sandy) Alex G

Alex Giannascoli, the prolific Philadelphia singer-songwriter refuses to put himself in a box. In the past half decade, Alex has shown us a multitude of different sides to him, from straightforward lo-fi bedroom folk-rock (Tricks, DSU), to dark, weird indie-rock (Beach Music). On his latest though, Rocket, Alex takes all of his influences, and then some, and throws them into an album that has as many abrasive, screaming experimental-rock songs as it does simple, cozy, alt-country songs. It’s a terrifically weird juxtaposition to hear, but one song that really stands out on the latter side of that spectrum is “Proud,” an incredibly warm, Americana-style song that has Alex strumming cleanly on an acoustic guitar overtop a dancing piano line and a tambourine. It’s such a simple and classic tune you’re going to swear you’ve heard it before. It’s definitely not even close to the most interesting song on Rocket (Check out “Horse” or “Brick” for that), but it’s definitely the most beautiful and replayable, and those are the ones that tend to find their way into my year-end lists.

19. “Supermodel” – SZA

SZA, who absolutely deserves the award for Breakout Artist of the Year, is a co-writer for Rihanna, and on first listen to “Supermodel,” not to mention the rest of the stellar Ctrl, it’s easy to see why. “Supermodel” kicks the album off with a bang, as her vocals carry the song throughout the entire track, twisting and turning in gorgeous fashion, not unlike the cadence one comes to expect with the flows of Young Thug or Frank Ocean. SZA’s lyrics are at the forefront as she sings, clear as day, “I’ve been secretly banging your homeboy,” atop nothing but a few pillow-y guitar chords. Well, shit.

18. “May I Have This Dance” (Remix) – Francis and the Lights ft. Chance The Rapper

Before Chance added a verse to Francis Starlight's, “May I Have This Dance,” it just sounded liked a 80s cheese-pop ode to Peter Gabriel. On the remix, it still sounds like that, but with a much-needed upgrade to freshen it up. Easily one of the most (and only) danceable songs on this list, Francis’s lyrics of “can I say something crazy? / I love you” actually feel authentic and not overly saccharine, which make this song cut deep, if you let it. Chance ends the song with a characteristically fun (ex: “I love you more than you mother”) verse as we’ve come to expect, before the explosive final chorus brings the song to the end. Make sure you check this song out live – Chance and Francis have an adorable dance that goes with it.

17. “Waving Through A Window” - Ben Platt

I’m just gonna say it. If you are not a fan of corny musicals, then go ahead and skip this song. Now that we have the haters gone, I can swoon over the standout hit from 2017’s biggest Broadway musical Dear, Evan Hanson, an incredibly powerful coming-of-age show about bullying, anxiety, suicide, and unrequited love. “Waving Through A Window,” is an immediate hit that may sound like a Top-20 Christian-Pop song (I know) on first listen, but when you really let go of your judgements you can enjoy the song for what is is - one of the catchiest songs of 2017. Just wait until the major-key change at the end – so amazing.

16. “Follow My Voice” – Julie Byrne

There were a lot of solemn, introspective albums released by fearless women this year (Vagabon, Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker, Big Thief, Palehound), and Not Even Happiness by singer-songwriter Julie Byrne is one of the best of the year. “Follow My Voice” is the opening track on the album and also the strongest. An absolutely gorgeous acoustic guitar flutters along as Julie shares what seems to be a moment of tension for her in a relationship (“to me this city is hell / but I know you call it home”). Around halfway through the song, strings are introduced and that’s when the waterworks begin. It’s an absolutely real song about personal sacrifice, insecurity, and love, and you can feel every emotion thanks to Julie’s soaring vocal range.

15. “Cold Apartment” – Vagabon

There’s really no silver lining to this song. “Cold Apartment” is a song about the painful end of relationships and how nothing ever goes as planned. I love how vulnerable Laetitia Tamko is on this track, as she starts the song off with “I know it’s my fault. I gave up on everything.” From there, you are in for a ride of dark and brooding instrumentation and lyrics. While this song elicits the same emotions as Julie Byrne’s “Follow By Voice,” the roaring percussion of “Cold Apartment” at least allows you to take out your anger by punching a wall rather than crying softly into your pillow.

14. “Haley” - Big Thief

“Haley,” a standout track from the Brooklyn quartet Big Thief, is a beautifully, intricate folk-rock song with enough tension and resolution to please the average classical music listener. Overlapping twinkling guitars carry the song as the song’s tempo swells and contracts back and forth, reminiscent of a 1970s Joni Mitchell.

13. “Hunters Gun” – Palehound

“Hunters Gun,” the opening track from Ellen Palehound’s newest album, A Place I’ll Always Go stuck with me the second I heard it. While under two-minutes, “Gun,” packs quite the punch, as a lo-fi crunchy drum mix and simple electric guitar accompany Ellen Kempner’s desperate and painful vocals. As Kempner breath-sings “Don’t come near me, I don’t wanna see your face,” you can literally feel the goosebumps from the horrid scene she’s describing.

12. “Ballad Of A Dying Man” - Father John Misty

Enough has been written on Father John Misty that I don’t feel like I need to give this man more credit than he already gets, but I’d be remiss to leave off a cut from Pure Comedy, the latest output from J. Tillman’s impressive catalog. Like many songs on Pure Comedy, “Ballad Of A Dying Man,” is a sardonic social commentary on modern-day culture, but this time from the perspective of someone who is about to die. “Eventually the dying man takes his final breath / but first checks his news feed to see what he’s about to miss” is classic Tillman, as he sings over a track that is brought together by acoustic guitar, piano and some background gospel singers. It may be easy to roll your eyes at this song but it’s even easier to admire its beauty and genius.

11. “Chanel” - Frank Ocean

“My guy pretty like a girl / and he got fight stories to tell” may be my favorite lyric of the year, and it’s the opening line to Frank Ocean’s stand-alone single “Chanel,” released in March. One of the more braggadocious Frank tracks in recent memory, Ocean’s boasts about sex, money, and fame with a vocal performance that constantly shifts and turns with each new line, from tenor singing to a lower-register rap flow, sometimes even within the same bar. This is Frank at his best, flexing both his singing and rapping muscles while somehow still finding a way to make us to shed a tear while he sings about maxing out his Amex.

10. “Mallwalkers - Fred Thomas

Fred Thomas writes stories and then creates music around them. The Michigan native has written over 20 albums under several different alias’s and all of them are just as raw and impressive as the next. “Mallwakers” is the final song of his latest record Closer and it’s vintage Fred Thomas. A distorted guitar riff and crashing drum beat carry us through a mostly spoken-word narrative that builds and builds as the instrumentation intensifies and progresses. Listening to this song, it appears Fred is not singing for anyone but himself, as he reflects on the boredom and torture of a younger, past life, questing and criticizing something new in every line. Almost every line is simultaneously genius, funny, and heartbreaking all at once, particularly when he calls his high-school peers “horrid hushed hall talkers” and “judge-gabled gawkers.” Fred’s art has always been just as enjoyable to read as it is to listen to it, and “Mallwalkers” is no different.

9. “City of Roses” - Sufjan Stevens

In 2015, Sufjan released Carrie & Lowell, arguably my favorite album of all time. Since then, Sufjan has catapulted himself into a rare space of artists I believe can literally do no wrong (joining Justin Vernon and that’s about it). In 2017, he released the Planetarium LP, a Carrie & Lowell live album, contributed two songs to the fantastic Call Me By Your Name movie, and most recently, released The Greatest Gift, a Carrie & Lowell B-Side alum. Within the latest releases, we have been blessed with dozens of new Sufjan tracks that belong on this list, but the one I’m choosing to include is “City of Roses,” a short, addictive ode to one of Sufjan’s favorite cities, Portland. Unlike most of the sad, autobiographical tunes from Carrie, “City of Roses” is a refreshing reprieves of positivity, yet one that doesn’t sacrifice any beauty along the way. Reminiscent of Illinois-style folk rock, Sufjan admits, “I’ve had it enough with the east coast,” as he begins his trek to the beautiful Pacific Northwest. This song is short and sweet enough it will quickly reach it’s way to your most-played list before you know it.

8. “Real Death” - Mount Eerie

On July 9, 2016, Phil Elvirum’s wife died from pancreatic cancer. On March 24, 2017, A Crow Looked At Me was released, an album that pretty much chronicles in real time the aftermath, mourning and pain that Phil went through and continues to go through following her death. There has truly never been an album quite like this. It’s a rare, rare inside look to the unspeakable truth of what it feels like to lose the one you love and be left alone to raise your two-year old daughter on your own. “Real Death” is the first song off Mount Eerie’s arguably unlistenable, yet Album of the Year A Crow Looked At Me. All metaphor is stripped away, as Phil leads the song with the immortal words, “Death is real / Someone’s there and then they’re not / And it’s not for singing about / It’s not for making into art. When real death enters the house all poetry is dumb.” The language alone to describe his loss (“crusted with tears / catatonic and raw”) is enough to make you cringe and threaten to press the skip button. There really is no reward to listening to this song. But it’s real and it makes me feel things. And it’s the 8th best song of the year.

7. “Hey K” - Passion Pit

If you didn’t know, Passion Pit secretly self-released an album this year in March called Tremendous Sea of Love and it’s actually one of my favorite albums of the year. Despite my enjoyment of being in the minority of people who have been exposed to this album, I think it’s worth sharing a piece of the magic from the album in the form of “Hey K,” the most beautiful arrangement Michael Angelakos has composed to date. Warm, dreamy ambient synthscapes that we’re used to hearing from Passion Pit glisten and swell with twinkly pianos as Angelako’s familiar, yet slightly processed tenor glides us through the track.  While the track is directly aimed toward Michael’s ex Kristina Mucci, it is actually an exquisite love-song; a song of appreciation for what they had and will always have.

6. “Pageant” - PWR BTTM

I know I shouldn’t be writing about PWR BTTM because of the allegations against frontman Ben Hopkins, but I can’t help myself and include “Pageant,” --- the centerpiece of the same-titled 2017 record that never even saw the light of the day --- on my list. This is one of those songs that just stuck with me the second I heard it. The way in which Ben’s voice awkwardly bends along with the off-tempo melody of the acoustic guitar, the way in which their voice feels like it’s on the verge of breaking apart at any moment, and the way in which it does break apart at the end, all before an electric guitar takes the song to its natural conclusion. To me, it’s a perfect song and it’s a shame the song never actually got to see the light of day. In fact, good luck even finding this song on the internet.

5. “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness” – The National

How long have National fans been waiting for a song like this? After just about two decades of subtle, textured, mellow, down-tempo rock songs, the National reward its fans with “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness,” an urgent, thunderous, accessible stand-alone single that fucking rips. “I can’t explain it any other way,” says Berninger, and I have to agree. This song --- along with Aaron Dessner’s gross guitar solo in the middle of the song --- is simply one of the most fun, aggressive, cathartic National songs ever recorded. It’s up there with “Mr. November” as one of the all-time best too, and that’s saying a lot.

4. “Intrepid” – Pinegrove

Pinegrove know how to tangle your heart into a ball, play with it, and then give it back at the exact moment you’re about to curl over and die. “Intrepid,” the single off the supposedly titled Skylight supposedly out in March, is a call-back to the lo-fi days from Everything So Far. On the first couple listens to this song, it’s actually quite unassuming. Evan’s vocals are tucked neatly into the back of the mix, as clean guitars ring out over a tense percussive back. At times, Evan’s voice becomes more pronounced as he screams, “well the way I spent my winter / I wonder” but then almost immediately, he and the music pulls back, and leaves us wanting so much more. What feels like a frustrating tug and pull of tension with no real resolution during the lengthy and repetitive middle section soon makes sense when it transitions to its fateful conclusion. The tempo slows, then quickens, then slows, and then quickens again. Finally, the intensifying vocals and guitars swelter until they can’t take it anymore and we are greeted with a climatic, harmonious resolution all packed within a single chord. It’s a song that really takes a while to sink in, but once it does, you will not be able to stop hitting repeat.

3. “Orange Colored Queen” - Ty Segall

Ty Segall is a legend. If you don’t know him, he’s a singer-songwriter who has released 10 albums in the past 10 years, and that’s just counting the ones under his own name. He is a naturally gifted songsmith, who, at his best, has a really classic sound whose influences range across The Beatles, The Kinks, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, to Queen. At his most interesting though, you can find Ty Segall crossdressing, wearing a mask and screaming nonsense into a microphone for five-minutes. “Orange Colored Queen” though, of literally the 200+ Ty Segall songs is probably the most straightforward and down-to-earth he has ever sounded. Starting with a beautiful and lazy guitar line, Ty eases us into the song before soon enough at the :50 second mark the track doubles in time, the drums kick in, and we are in paradise. I have a hard time describing this song because it’s such a simple and basic pop song that it really just needs to be heard, similar to any Beatles song you’d find on One. When a song is this good and this simple, you don’t ask questions – you just listen.

2. Appointments” - Julien Baker

Ok, so first, if you know me, I tend to be attracted to certain songs that have a specific formula to them. One of my favorite formulas is this: Quiet, atmospheric piano-driven ballad with introspective lyrics slowly builds to an anthemic, explosive, and deeply cathartic (key word) climax and that leaves you stuck in your chair for a bit after it’s over. Some of my favorite songs of all time employ this formula of slow start → rising action → climax. “Exit Music (For A Film)” does this well, “Ultralight Beam” does this well,” “I Dreamed A Dream” does this well. “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.” does this well. Well, Julien Baker, welcome to the club.

“Appointments” is that formula perfectly executed, with a twinkling guitar repeating throughout the song atop a timid piano line. As Julien reflects on a destructive relationship, the song slowly but surely starts to pick up pace, until eventually the music drops out altogether. After echoing and overlapping vocals fill up the instrumental void, the piano and guitar suddenly come back, this time with Julien belting the final refrain like it’s her final moments on earth, screaming, “maybe it’s all gonna turn out all right / oh, I know that it’s not, but I have to believe that it is.” It’s a powerful ending to a song that seems to bring as much healing to the listener as it does for Julien herself.

1. “Blanket Me” – Hundred Waters

Like I said in the Julie Byrne review, this year was rich in providing deeply powerful introspective indie-ballads from extremely talented frontwomen. “Blanket Me” was a song I discovered this year at a time when I really needed comfort and it really provided me the warmth I longed for. Just like its name, “Blanket Me,” is the feeling of locking yourself in a room, lying on the floor, wrapping yourself like a burrito in blankets, and blasting your favorite song until you sink deep into the floor. And if you think I’m being dramatic, go ahead and press play. The lyrics literally read “gone under, capsized and sinking” before she screams, “blanket me” literally 81 times (I counted). On top of the repeating lyrics, you get absolutely smothered by noise, as you are met with waves of vibrating synths, explosive drum fills, and a choir of pitched-up electronic vocals. There is so much going on at once that it’s hard to separate one sound from the other. It’s totally immersive, visceral, and above all, comforting. “Blanket Me” is the best song of two thousand and seventeen.

Full List:

1. “Blanket Me” - Hundred Waters 2. “Appointments” - Julien Baker 3. “Orange Colored Queen” - Ty Segall 4. “Intrepid” - Pinegrove 5. “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness" - The National 6. “Pageant” - PWR BTTM 7. “Hey K” - Passion Pit 8. “Real Death” - Mount Eerie 9. “City of Roses” - Sufjan Stevens 10. “Mallwalkers - Fred Thomas 11. “Chanel” - Frank Ocean 12. “Ballad Of A Dying Man” - Father John Misty 13. “Hunters Gun” - Palehound 14. “Haley” - Big Thief 15. “Cold Apartment” - Vagabon 16. “Follow My Voice” - Julie Byrne 17. “Waving Through A Window” - Ben Platt 18. “May I Have This Dance” - Francis and the Lights ft. Chance The Rapper 19. “Supermodel” - SZA 20. “Proud” - (Sandy) Alex G 21. “Tonite” - LCD Soundsystem 22. “Losing All Sense” - Grizzly Bear 23. “Through The Roses” - Future Islands 24. “The Grocery” - Manchester Orchestra 25. “In Chains” - The War on Drugs 26. “Motion Sickness” - Phoebe Bridgers 27. “Man of War” - Radiohead 28. “Guilty Party” - The National 29. “You Have The Right” - Passion Pit 30. “LOL” - PWR BTTM 31. “DNA” - Kendrick Lamar 32. “Evening Prayer” - Jens Lekman 33. “Charlie” - Alison Crutchfield 34. “Half A Million” - The Shins 35. “Reactionary” - Fred Thomas 36. “A Slow, Slow Death” - Los Campesinos 37. “Ran in Soho” - The Mountain Goats 38. “George Washington” - Why? 39. “Over Everything” - Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile 40. “Mercury” - Sufjan Stevens, James Mcallister, Aaron Dessner, Nico Muhley 41. “The Greatest Gift” - Sufjan Stevens 42. “Blood On Me” - Sampha 43. “Darkened Rings” - Cloud Nothings 44. “Third of May / Odaigahara" - Fleet Foxes 45. “Total Entertainment Forever” - Father John Misty 46. “Kill Jill” - Big Boy, Killer Mike, Jeezy 47. “What I Want” - Cende 48. “Radio” - Sylvan Esso 49. “American Dream” - LCD Soundsystem 50. “Take Care (To Comb Your Hair)” - Ty Segall 51. “Keep Your Name” - The Dirty Projectors 52. “Dogs” - Pile 53. “Say Something Loving” - The XX 54. “Gone Beyond” - Peter Silberman 55. “Creature Comfort” - The Arcade Fire 56. “How Do You Sleep?” - LCD Soundsystem 57. “Look At Your Hands” - tUnE-yArDs 58. “Tonya Harding (in Eb major)” - Sufjan Stevens 59. “Taste” – Rhye 60. “Sugar For The Pill” – Slowdive Best Albums of 2017 1. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me 2. Julien Baker - Turn Out the Lights 3. The National - Sleep Well Beast 4. The War on Drugs - A Deeper Understanding 5. Passion Pit - Tremendous Sea of Love 6. Future Islands - The Far Field 7. Manchester Orchestra - A Black Mile To The Sun 8. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy 9. Sylvan Esso - What Now 10. Grizzly Bear - Painted Ruins 11. Los Campesinos - Sick Scenes 12. Fred Thomas - Changer 13. The Mountain Goats - Goths 14. James McAlister, Bryce Dessen, Sufjan Stevens, Nico Muhly - Planetarium 15. WHY? - Moh Lhean

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope you at least learned one new song or album that can bring deep emotion into your life. Below is a Spotify Playlist of every song except for PWR BTTM and Ty Segall. 2018, bring it on. Playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/user/andrewberkowitz/playlist/1v9fNU9V2foTnGu7LOjspO

#indie blog #indie music #best of 2017 #sufjan stevens #arcade fire #lcd soundsystem #grizzly bear #mount eerie #julien baker #the national #fresh #the war on drugs #passion pit #future islands #manchester orchestra #year end lists #sylvan esso #fred thomas #the mountain goats #frank ocean #father john misty #sza #slowdirve #kendrick lamar #the shins