Tumgik
#honestly going 2 apply this energy towards myself as well love how we are all existing and
loostssoul · 3 years
Text
if you kissed me - Rodrick Heffley | 1.9k
Yeah yeah i know i haven't written since a million years ago. and yeah yeah i know this is my first real fanfiction i posted on tumblr. fair warning, i'm not the best writer, i honestly just do this for fun and i'm totally up to criticism because i do want to make my writing better. if this is literally inaccurate, im sorry its been like 5 years since i've read the books. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fluff-fest that I created in the span of a few hours.
paring: rodrick x reader genre: fluff. lots of fluff
Tumblr media
Credits to the maker of the picture! 15 Days till the Contest | 9:42 PM, Saturday
Plick, plick, plick
My speakers were blasting so loud I almost didn’t hear the sound of pebbles hitting my window.
Plick, plick, plick
I rubbed my eyes and slammed my laptop shut, walking toward my bedroom window. Peering down, I saw a figure a few yards down from my second-story bedroom, looking back up at me. Dark brown, messy hair that stuck up around his face. A red and black flannel, black ripped jeans, and, (of course) a tee-shirt with “Loded Diper” clumsily written on it. A grin spread on his face as he saw my face come into his view, causing me to blush. Rodrick Heffley, Crossland High bad boy, and my boyfriend.
I unlocked the latch to my window and stuck my head out, taking in the cool air and letting the neighbors enjoy the music I was playing (they never did). I looked down.
“Y/N!” He whisper-yelled
“Evening, Heffley.”
“I need to tell you something!”
“What’s so important that you have to scratch my window instead of using the power of modern technology to call me?”
His mouth opened to give me a response, but nothing came out. I smirked, “Come on up.”
I opened the window wider as he climbed the trellis that lined the back of my house. I backed up to my door and locked it. Precautions, my parents liked Rodrick but they definitely wouldn’t approve of him in my room at night. I looked back and I saw him, every feature of him illuminated by the light of my room. His cheeky smile and chocolate brown eyes. He slowly closed the window and walked toward me, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. I still got butterflies whenever he touched me.
“Hey, Spiderman. What did ya climb in here to tell me?” I asked
“I got Loded Diper into a contest.”
My eyes widened, Loded Diper, my boyfriend’s rock band, wasn’t exactly known for being the best. It was mostly known for his mom’s insane dance moves during the Plainview Talent Show. But of course, i'll never say that in front of his face.
“You did?! That’s awesome Rodrick!”
“Yeah! It's a battle of the bands contest, we’re going against two other bands. I really think this is gonna be our big break!” His eyes sparkled in excitement.
His happiness was contagious, he was like a goddamn puppy. I pulled him into my arms. “I’m proud of you Rod.” I muttered and smiled into his collarbone. I felt him inhale the scent of my hair and twirl my locks around his fingers.
“Hey,” he said, breaking the hug. “I’m having practice tomorrow with the band, you wanna come?”
“Sure. I go to every practice anyway, why miss out on this one?” I shrugged.
He chuckled and looked at me. Really looked at me. That’s one of the reasons why I fell for him. It never seemed like it, but he paid attention. We’ve only been dating for 4 months, but he knew me like no one else did, and I knew that in the way he looked at me. I felt his hand cup my face, his thumb rubbing my cheek in small circles. I looked up at him, noticing how tall he was, how close he was. Was I the one who leaned in? Was he the one who leaned in? Did we just do it subconsciously? Did he want this? Was he ready? Was I ready?
The ringing of Rodrick’s phone filled the room. The daze we were trapped in was gone and we separated, our faces red. Rodrick picked up the phone, it was his mom.
“Yeah, mom? Mom...I’m in the middle of something. I’ll do laundry later, ok? Now? C’mon… Alright, fine. Bye.” He hung up. “Sorry, I gotta blast.”
“It’s fine, I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked him as he started toward my window.
He looked back at me and planted a kiss on my forehead, the farthest we’ve ever gone with physical touch as a couple.
“Tomorrow”
~~✰✰✰~~
14 Days till the Contest | 1:22 PM, Saturday afternoon
“Should we take it from the top?”
Practice wasn’t going so well. I could feel the nervousness, the tension. Drums were slightly off beat, the guitarist’s fingers would fly to the wrong places on the fretboard, lyrics would go all over the place. The contest was two weeks away, and Loded Diper was already feeling the anxiousness. I sat on the floor of the garage, on top of a picnic blanket I found. To Rodrick’s dismay, his mom forced him to let Greg watch band practice, as a form of “brother-to-brother bonding time.” Greg sat next to me, mockingly covering his ears.
“Oh thank god, it's done.” Greg said with an immense amount of sarcasm and uncovering his ears.
Rodrick threw a crumpled-up piece of paper at his head, “Shut up.”
“Both of you, be nice.” I laughed. “I think you guys should take a break for a while, maybe shake off the nerves.”
“Good idea Y/N, 20 minute break everyone!” The lead singer said. Everyone spread out, grabbing a piece of pizza ordered earlier and laying down. Greg ran out of the garage, yelling, “I’m free!”
Rodrick stood up and began gulping down a bottle of water. He wore a black tanktop and black ripped jeans, sweat dripping down his forehead. I ran up behind him and wrapped my arms around his torso. He turned and faced me, running his hands through my hair, lost in thought.
“You ok, Rod?” I asked him.
He sighed, “nerves”
I leaned my head on his chest, “You’re gonna do great, you’ve done so many gigs in the past. Think of this as one of those!”
He smiled at me, “You know what would make me feel a lot less nervous?”
“Oh god. What?”
A really common thing Rodrick did was try to bargain a kiss on the lips from me. It's been an ongoing joke, a meaningless bit he did all the time. I’ll do my homework if you kissed me on the lips. I’ll smile in the picture if you kissed me on the lips. It still hasn’t worked.
“I might be less nervous if you kissed me on the lips.” He whispered to me.
I rolled my eyes, “If that’s what it takes then I think you’ll lose the competition.”
He let go of me and laughed, my favorite laugh. “Worth a try.” He shrugged, going off to join his bandmates and the pizza. But as I watched him smile and laugh with his friends, I lost myself. I thought about the previous night. The way we fit into each other, the closeness, the fact that was so close that I could see my reflection in his eyes.
Maybe I should just say yes.
~~✰✰✰~~
The Day of the Contest
For the past 2 weeks, Rodrick has given me the “kiss-bargain” joke 9 times. Every time, I deflected it with sarcastic remarks, and every time I regretted not agreeing.
I sat on the front steps of my porch, waiting for Rodrick to pick me up. I regretted the jean shorts and plain black tee-shirt I had on, as a cold breeze brushed my skin. I pulled my black leather jacket on, which I painted “Loded Diper” on the back in white paint. Then, I heard it. The echo of heavy metal turned to full blast, and… the faint sound of something big getting knocked over. Oh god, they’re here. The white van with “Loded Diper” written in huge words screeched to a halt in front of my house.
The window rolled down, revealing my boyfriend and his excited grin. “Get in.”
~~✰✰✰~~
30 minutes till Loded Diper preforms
It felt surreal to be backstage, and really exciting. Energy was flowing through the room, as all the other bands talked and played. The rest of the band members seemed excited, full of adrenaline. Except for Rodrick, he’s been nervous ever since soundcheck. His leg was bouncing,he twirled his drumsticks around, drumming them on random objects, and his eyes stared into nothing.
“Rodrick, you want me to do your eyeliner?”
“Huh?” He didn’t take his eyes away from the ground, his voice seemed far away.
I lifted a liquid eyeliner pen I had in my pocket, “Eyeliner. I just did mine, we can match!”
He lifted his head and noticed me. I had my eyeliner smudged, just like he always does during a gig. He grinned, “Yeah. Yeah sure.”
I’ve done his eyeliner many times in the past, and I loved doing it because I had to be as close to him as possible. So I hopped onto his lap, pressing myself close to him, trying to comfort him with my warmth.
“Close your eyes.” I ordered.
As I applied his eyeliner, I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. It was heavy, and fast. I’m pretty sure I would still hear it if I wasn’t as close to him as I was, even though the loud music blasting through the theatre.
“Done”
He opened his eyes, and butterflies flooded my stomach. We were close. Very close. Should I do it? Should I lean in?
Rodrick probably sensed my flustered-ness. He smirked, “Cat got your tongue?”
I rolled my eyes, blushing hard. “Shut up.” I said, playfully punching him.
~~✰✰✰~~
“5 Minutes until Loded Diper performs!” A man exclaimed to us.
Rodrick was as nervous as ever. We’ve been standing on the left wing of the stage, watching the other bands play. It felt like a bunch of Loded Diper copy-pastes. A bunch of high schoolers, weird names, very aggressive playing. But they were still pretty good. Rodrick was biting the nails of one of his hands and tapping his other hand on the wall behind him. I looked up at him and held his hand, stopping it from fidgeting. He smiled nervously.
Now or never Y/N…
“Hey, you said that if I kiss you, you won’t be as nervous. Right?”
He looked at me, wide eyed. He seemed to be trying to compute what I said.
I stood on tiptoe and put his face in my hands. It was that night all over again. Every detail of his face, of him was in full view. His eyes, his eyeliner, his scent, his lips. I leaned in.
His lips were soft against mine, but they were tense, flustered. I was terrified, It was the wrong place, the wrong time. Until I felt one hand in my hair, another on my waist, pulling me closer.
How long was the kiss? A few seconds? It felt like minutes, hours. Sparked ignited. Butterflies flew in my stomach. His scent was the only thing I smelled, his warmth was the only thing I felt. The music faded away. Everything faded away. It was just him and I. Until we broke apart, taking in deep breaths of each other. We wanted more, but Loded Diper was playing in a few seconds.
“Hey, Rodrick.”
“Yeah?”
“If you win I’ll kiss you again”
We both knew I would kiss him regardless.
I didn't edit this because editing is for wimps (just kidding be responsible and edit your work)
please like and reblog because it gives me serotonin and i need that
792 notes · View notes
adviceformefromme · 3 years
Note
Any advice on how to stop attracting guys that just want to hookup and are low effort? I feel like that’s all I attract! Or just weird guys that are controlling...I do feel like I have low self esteem and always have since I was pretty young growing up. I have struggled in school with dyslexia and so school was just always a stressful and remember always being insecure for some reason making friends and just always feeling like people didn’t like me...I am working on it though and am very mindful of this. Idk I also just feel insecure having pictures taken or myself just because I feel like my face doesn’t have a lot of structure and just feel like I look bad so need plastic surgery too.
Hey sweetie, oh I had to deal with this in my past. This phase was really hard for me so I'm gonna give you everything I wish I knew.
1. These low effort men, are a wake up call. A message from the universe to remind you, you are putting low effort into yourself. How much care and time and love do you dedicate to you? How do you treat your body? The foods you consume? The drink / drugs etc? How are your friendship groups? Healthy or toxic? Do you have friends around you that are a reflection of who you want to be? (sorry for the 21 questions, these are some points to consider).
2. What you believe becomes your reality. A great film for this (to also help with confidence) is I am Pretty with Rebel Wilson. Google the trailer, it's trashy but amazing. She taps into that hot girl energy and it literally changes her life. This is accessible to us all. We can shift out of whatever low energy we are stuck in, and level up to the life our dreams once we change how we think and see the world.
3. Say no to fuckboys. Know what you want and what you don't want. Have standards. If one night stands or sex on the first, or even the 6th date doesn't work for you then set that boundary and don't allow for situations for these men to get in between your legs. Say no to house dates. Have a list of fun date spots you want to go to and tick them off. Make dating fun.
4. So your image. There is so much pressure to look a certain way, now more than ever. I don't see any harm in small enhancements, but honestly, I think clear skin, straight teeth, well applied makeup and learning a few key poses in the mirror at home can boost your confidence and upgrade your image. If you feel you want to level up with surgery then start working towards this. This is your life, you really get to make it what you want.
5. Change your story. Change your negative ideas about yourself, just try it. What if everyone loved you, how would you act, walk, speak, smile? What if you looked amazing in photos but didn't realise? Just imagine yourself for a moment as the opposite of what you have been believing about yourself? Life is truly a mirror, whatever's going on inside is reflecting outside. I personally love affirmations for shifting out of negative beliefs. Try repeating some affirmations that resonate with you with prayer beads, and watch your energy and life transform.
These are a few ideas ^ if you need any more advice / tips my DMs are always open xoxo
76 notes · View notes
lovelylunarwriting · 3 years
Text
Jaemin Soulmate!AU
Jaemin has a reputation as a “cool” kind of guy, which is why he wears bracelets to hide the words permanently etched on his left wrist
“Wait- if it’s not butter, then what is it?”
Jisung and Haechan are notorious for giving him shit for having a ‘weird’ soulmate, but Jaemin thinks it’s kind of funny, honestly
Like great question dude but,,, why are you asking me this
Jaemin’s apartment is around the corner from a little family-owned grocery store that he’s frequented since his high school days.
He’s very much a regular, to the point of the owner being like “Jaemin…. Please just work here. You already know where everything is”
To which Jaemin has to respectfully decline, because he wants to focus on his dancing and singing, and working too much would get in the way of practicing.
That, however, does not stop the old man from sending customers with questions to Jaemin whenever he comes in.
Because Jaemin is too polite to be like “uhh I don’t work here, good luck”, he always ends up helping them
But secretly, he doesn’t mind. He thinks that maybe one day, his soulmate will be the next one to ask him a question.
Even after repeated questions about “how much does this cost?”, “when do you guys open tomorrow?”, “when will the next shipment of bok choy be in?”, he still isn’t terribly bothered.
The other employees chastise the boss for sending customers to Jaemin, but the old man is always like “he knows this store better than you all do. That’s why he gets a discount higher than yours”
Employee discount: 15 percent off all merchandise
Na Jaemin discount: 20 percent off all merchandise
It’s an unspoken rule amongst employees that Na Jaemin gets a discount, but they are NEVER to mention it to him! He knows that business has been rough recently and wouldn’t accept the generosity, but the boss thinks Jaemin is too skinny and wants him to be able to afford to eat well.
Now lovely reader, this is where you come in. You recently got a job at this grocery store but you work in the back, so you have never seen the famous “Na Jaemin” that all your fellow employees chat about so frequently.
Coworker #1: “Ugh, he’s like SO dreamy”
Coworker #2: “I know right? He’ll have no trouble becoming an idol at this rate”
Meanwhile you’re like “lol what who? Also where is the printer for printing clearance labels”
You specifically applied for the back of house position because you did not want to talk to people.
It’s not that you’re antisocial by any means- honestly it’s the opposite. It’s just that you have the tendency to say whatever you’re thinking with absolutely no filter.
So in the past when more…. challenging… customers have talked down to you, you gave back the same energy without thinking.
Management was not happy,,, so you were like “mmmm maybe I should just keep to myself and everyone would be happier”
One day though, it seems that you’re shit out of luck.
Your work bestie calls you at 3 in the morning on your day off saying that her kid has a fever and she’s gotta stay home and take care of him.
You have no plans other than generally being a lazy lump at home, and she’s always had your back at work, so you’re like “girl don’t worry about it, I got your shift. I’ll make some chicken noodle soup for him too”
To which she’s like “bitch if I hadn’t found my soulmate already I would’ve snatched you up T-T”
You giggle and tell her to try and get some rest- both her and her kid.
And then sleep another blissful 4 hours before rolling in for the 8am shift.
When you get there, boss man is like “ayeee so you’re covering for her shift which is stocking shelves, are you gonna be okay doing that?”
You: “Ahaha yeah it’ll be fine~ just please don’t send customers to me oh my gosh”
Boss Man: “Don’t worry, I just saw Jaemin walk in. I’ll send them to him”
You: “... who is Jaemin”
Boss Man: “He’s my FAVORITE!! Remember that!”
You: “Oh, okay!! Yes sir!”
You’re like fifteen minutes into your shift and you’re already on edge because all you’ve done so far is dodge all the old ladies who are shopping this early.
No actual products have been put on the shelves yet, or at least not by your hands.
Settling down in the dairy section, you relax a bit and start putting cold products in the cold shelves fixed to the wall.
And of course- things are in the wrong place. Why would anyone put anything back where it belongs?
Picking up a product, you glance at the label out of sheer boredom more than anything.
“Wait- if it’s not butter, then what is it?”, you say to yourself.
Or so you think.
“Yeah, that is like the one question I don’t know how to answer”, you hear a masculine voice say from behind.
You spin around and look up into the man’s face.
And oh boy is that a nice looking face.
“Oh I’m sorry, I- WAIT”, you start, before you realize what he said.
Grabbing his left wrist, you push up the bracelets to reveal what you’d just said. Then you drop his hand out of sudden shyness, and because it’s not cool just to grab people.
“Do… do you mind if I look at your wrist as well?”, he asks quietly.
You roll up your sleeve and present him with your arm. He delicately wraps his fingers around your wrist and flips it over to read the words written”
He drops your wrist and sinks into a squat, flopping his arms over his head and looking at the ground.
“Oh my gosh why did I say something so lame…”
“Umm,,, to be fair,,, I did ask you about butter so by comparison yours isn’t that bad,,,,”, you try to comfort him, and he lifts his head up to meet your gaze.
“You mean that? It wasn’t like the lamest thing you’ve ever heard?”
“Oh I’ve heard much lamer things, don’t worry!”, you say with a cheery smile that contrasts your words entirely.
He stands up again and clasps your hands in his. With a look of determination he looks straight into your soul and asks:
“What time do you get off work?”
You tell him, but let him know that you’ll be busy after work making chicken noodle soup for your coworker and her son.
He’s like “oh you can cook?” and you’re like “lol no but I’m gonna die trying”
He writes his phone number on your arm (next to your soulmate tattoo) and is like “text me when you’re done with work and I’ll swing by and walk you home and maybe I can help you cook”
And quickly clarifies “ONLY IF YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WITH ME IN YOUR HOME, I UNDERSTAND IF BECAUSE WE JUST MET YOU-”
You’re like “dude,,,, it’s fine, we are literally destined to be together. Also if you try anything I’ll just beat you up so it’s chill”
Looking at his watch, he sprints makes a beeline for the checkout counter, going on about he’s gonna be so later and Haechan’s never gonna let it go if he’s late twice in a row, and something else but by that point he’s so far away from the dairy aisle you can only hear muffled sounds where words should be.
The next several hours could not go by ANY SLOWER.
Starting off today, you figured the day would go by quickly because you’d be preoccupied figuring out how to do something new, but now all you can think about is pretty soulmate boy.
And how he never mentioned his name, but to be fair, it was a rather quick exchange.
What feels like centuries later, your shift is coming to a close so you grab the ingredients you the internet tells you you need for the soup and head to your favorite cashier.
Somehow the front of the store is both quiet and abnormally loud for this time of night.
“Jaemin’s been waiting there for fifteen minutes? Do you think he’s waiting for someone?”
“Maybe he needs to talk to the boss? Usually he’d just ask one of us to grab him but he’s just standing outside”
“Ugh it’s so cold, should we tell him to come inside?”
You glance over to the crowd of coworkers towards the entrance and break out into a smile.
“Just keep ringing me up, I’ll be right back!”, you tell the cashier and fast walk past the small crowd.
Peeping your head out the door, you greet him.
“Are you cold? Come inside, I’m almost done”
“Oh okay, should I wait by the door though?”
“No, come with me. I wanna show you off~”, you instruct and he raises an eyebrow, but plays along.
Holding open the door for him, he scuffles his way in and shyly offers his hand.
Gladly, and with a pounding heart, you lock your fingers between his.
“Your hands are freezing, dude”
“Shhh it’s fine. I was trying to be cool, okay”, he jokes with you as you walk back to the register
Ringing up your items, the cashier is looking at you and him with raised eyebrows, and you’re just like “shut up jessica I’ll explain tomorrow”
The two of you walk back to your apartment and spend the rest of the night cooking and talking about everything and nothing.
The more you learn about Jaemin, the more confident you are that the universe got this one right.
Even when most things feel unclear, you know this person is someone you can always rely on.
(also when you bring your sick work bestie the soup, Jaemin insists on tagging along and she’s like “omg Y/N that’s JAEMIN” and you’re like “I KNOW” and he’s like “hi here’s some soup, also why do you know my name”
249 notes · View notes
btsmosphere · 4 years
Text
Crossfire | KTH
Tumblr media
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8
~summary: The night your life blew up sent you on a collision course with the campus bad boy, Kim Taehyung. Though you were well aware of his reputation, it was his doorstep you ran to when you were bleeding with nowhere to go.
~word count: 2.3k
~gang!au, mafia!au, college!au, angst, fluff, action, strangers to lovers, friends to lovers
Warnings: swearing, drugs, injury, mentions of death and fights (warnings apply to each part individually, please read them)
~a/n: a smaller, slice-of-life update this week, maybe definitely inspired by lockdown! I hope you guys like this, as the next update will be longer and bring more drAma...
Tumblr media
Taehyung must be superhuman. How he had managed to go to sleep with only a few hours left before college and still be awake and gone in time, eluded you.
You, on the other hand, were still tired as you tried to convince your body to crawl away from the warm covers long after the sun had risen. Not that you had anywhere to be. Once again, Taehyung had left food and water right beside you, and even the painkillers you took yesterday.
Groaning, you let your head fall back onto the pillow.
You inhaled deeply through your nose, then finally sat up, eyes still shut. Familiar pain lanced through your side at the movement, making you grit your teeth. At least your eyes were forced open in order to grab a pill.
Next, you figured there was no use lying in bed all day. Open the curtains which were still drawn. Great. What next?
As if in answer, your stomach growled a bit, so you sat back down to eat.
What next?
Teeth. Shit, you hadn’t cleaned your teeth in over a day now.
With dim hope, you made your way to the bathroom, but to your surprise, an unopened toothbrush sat by the sink.
Unfortunately, the surprise of a toothbrush turned out to be the biggest excitement of the day until Taehyung came back home. By that time, you had given in to lying down, mapping out the blemishes on the bedroom ceiling, so the moment you heard voices, you sprung up.
Peering around the door first, you saw Taehyung waving at someone on his doorstep. You waited until they had left and the door closed behind him to come down the stairs.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
You followed Tae through to the living room where he dropped his bag carelessly beside the sofa, reminding you unwillingly of days when you were younger, waiting up when your dad was late home and latching onto him straight away.
So you hung back, chewing your lip without realising.
“How’s college?” you asked his back as he went to the kitchen.
“Yeah, it’s okay,” he said, coming back around the corner with a drink, “nearly fell asleep in Professor Han’s lecture though.”
“You still take his class? I dropped that the minute I could,” you chuckled.
“I think you made the right decision,” the corners of his mouth turned up even as he took a sip. For a moment he savoured the drink, then lowered it.
“They’re talking about you.”
“They are?” you took a step forward as he nodded, but he quickly held up a hand.
“Hey, curtains,” he reminded you, then tossed his head behind him, “you should come round to the kitchen.”
A glance behind you revealed wide open curtains, so you sped out of sight and down the hall, meeting him where he now leant against the island.
“Did you really think they wouldn’t notice you going missing?”
“Well, I guess not,” you shrugged, “them knowing, is it… bad?”
“Bad? No,” he grinned, “I’m still going to hide you.”
“Thanks,” you smiled back, then, “have you… has Jungkook, you know…?”
“Oh, um,” Taehyung’s grin faded, telling you all you needed to know, “that was him at the door, but he hasn’t had the chance to look for him yet. Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
Staring at your hands, you mentally cursed yourself. Clearly the time you spent doing nothing had got to you, to make you so impatient.
“Hey, look at this,” Tae was suddenly smiling again, and you watched as he raised the now empty bottle like a dart in his hand before shooting it off towards the bin, where it bounced from the rim with a hollow clunk.
Unable to help the laugh that burst from you, you collected it from the floor.
“My turn!”
Taehyung laughed and stepped aside while you lined up your shot, but just as the bottle left your hand, he pushed your arm and sent it careering off into the wall.
“Hey!” you elbowed him as he creased in laughter.
The next thing you knew, he was running around the island towards the fallen bottle. Realising this, you took off too, shouting after him, but were too late to wrestle it from his arms.
“You cheated! Let me try again!”
Your shouts were in vain as he easily held off your flailing body and dropped the bottle into the bin at last, then proceeded to do a victory lap. Scoffing, you stuck your leg out to trip him up as he reached you again.
“Sorry, sorry,” he lied as he got his breath back between laughs, “draw?”
“No, you win,” you rolled your eyes, “what should be your prize? I could cook tonight?”
His eyes lit up, grin still wide as ever, and accepted your offer.
Really, cooking wasn’t a punishment for you. After the most boring day on earth, you were happy to be doing something with purpose, and it came with the bonus of treating Taehyung for taking you in.
Later, once you had stored in your memory the cupboard where he kept the pans, and where the salt was, you finally sat down to eat- on top of the counter.
Still being light outside, you both agreed you couldn’t sit in the living room due to the open curtains, and this had led to your current state. Your knees were touching as you both sat cross-legged facing each other to eat from the bowls in your hands. Unfazed, Taehyung was wolfing it down in enormous bites, but you hoped that meant it met his approval.
“I have to go out again,” Taehyung spoke, causing your heart to sink, “the food was really good, by the way.”
Jumping down from the countertop, he looked up at you.
“Want me to get anything while I’m out?”
“Oh, no, no,” you assured him automatically.
However, this made him stop, turning back to you fully.
“Really? I don’t mind getting anything. You pretty much live here now so you don’t have to be polite.”
You furrowed your brows, mind instantly going blank as you tried to think.
“Maybe a book?”
“Sure,” he nodded, then his eyes widened, “wait, should I get you two? Five? What have you been doing all day without a phone or going out?”
“It was okay,” you tried, but quickly conceded, “okay, I was sort of bored out of my mind but-“
“Okay, I am definitely getting books. What’s your favourite food? We can have it tomorrow,” he suggested.
“I love anything with chocolate,” you smiled, “and I like most things, but… Italian?”
He smiled back at you just as his phone buzzed aggressively against the counter.
“Oh, shit…” he muttered as he turned it over, “I really need to-“
But he was in the hallway by then.
Tumblr media
You fell asleep waiting for Taehyung to get back. Honestly, cooking had tired you out, as embarrassing as it was. Earlier you had found yourself needing to pause and catch your breath a few times while making dinner, but you supposed that was a minor side effect of being stabbed. It could have been much worse.
Washing up had been the final straw, after which you promised yourself you would find the energy to go and find the red pills after a short lie down.
A promise easily broken.
When Taehyung found you, you were sort of sitting, half slumped, against the headboard. As he shook you, sleep was reluctant to let go.
Therefore, by the next morning, you didn’t even remember seeing the boy. It barely crossed your mind that your clothes had changed and you were under the duvet. You were excited about the books, though.
Of course you hadn’t had time to give Taehyung any detail on what books you enjoyed, but anything was better than nothing, so after breakfast you began to read. It seemed he had been to the library at college given the stamps on the inside cover, but it was never open late and Taehyung had left in the evening yesterday.
Strangely, you didn’t feel too strongly about him having potentially broken into the place. Wow, your life really had got boring fast if even crime now counted as excitement. But if only you could go with him, break in somewhere for an adventure-
You shook yourself.
There was a small stack of books, non-fiction (being from a college library) and ranging from art to music to fashion.
Today, you didn’t run to Taehyung like a small child when he got back. Despite being later home than the previous day, he actually had to knock on the bedroom door to shake you away from the book you had almost finished.
“Oh sorry, hi!”
“Evening,” he smirked, stepping into the room to reveal a bag in his hand.
“Is that-!” you gasped at the smell wafting from it, and he grinned.
“Italiano,” he faked an accent, making a chef’s kiss with his free hand.
Practically bounding from the bed, you eagerly joined him on the kitchen counter again.
“I am so full,” you groaned after the last bite of pizza was gone.
“Really?” Taehyung raised his eyebrows.
“Yes, really! I just ate that whole thing!”
“That’s a shame…” he looked at you, amusement lingering at the edges of his mouth, “I guess I’ll have to have this by myself then.”
Your eyes grew huge as he leaned over to a drawer, pulling out an enormous chocolate bar. Paying no mind to your staring, he opened it and took a large bite, eyebrows drawing together in pleasure.
“Hey, wait-“
“I thought you were full?” you could barely make out his voice around the mouthful of chocolate.
“Can’t I have just a bit?”
“I don’t want you to be sick-“
Just then, you lost patience and took a swipe at the chocolate, but were easily evaded.
“Tae-“
Another bite.
Almost growling in frustration, you lunged forward, but he swiftly slid off the counter and took off down the hall, waving the bar over his head.
You had no choice but to give chase.
Taking the stairs two at a time, you caught up to him in the bedroom doorway and wasted no time in tackling him, throwing your arms around his waist.
“Hah! I win!”
You yanked the chocolate from his grasp and were raising it to your mouth at last when you saw his face.
As if he had burnt you, you shot up, taking your weight off him. All humour had suddenly gone from his expression, though an unconvincing smile appeared as he sat up, a hand hovering over his ribs.
“You won,” he laughed. But you weren’t having it.
His smile fell rapidly when you didn’t respond. Something was wrong.
“What is it? Did I hurt you?”
“No, it wasn’t you,” he looked down at the floor.
Lowering yourself to sit opposite him, you fixed him with a stare.
“Taehyung…”
“There was another attack tonight. Shinhyuk took someone out in one of our bars this side of town.”
“Wait… took someone out? You mean he actually-“
A grave nod.
“And… and you-?”
“I was there with Jin and Hoseok to collect something. Then, next thing, the bar goes into chaos, people saying we couldn’t get out. Shinhyuk caught a big dealer of ours as he was leaving, and shut the place down for… I dunno, dramatic effect? But we got in a fight with the men on the door to get outside…”
“Shit,” you breathed, “I’m so sorry, can I do anything?”
“It’s just bruised,” he shrugged, standing at last, “now eat your chocolate.”
Tumblr media
For once, you were awake early enough to see Taehyung leave, his bruised knuckles lingering on the door before finally it clicked shut.
Two books later he came home.
Although you had sworn not to go downstairs after last time, you had been thirsty enough to risk it today. Being out of breath after just one set of stairs was worrying, but found the red pills you had forgotten about in the kitchen as you filled up your drink. Gulping one down, you hoped missing a couple wouldn’t affect you.
Then your fears came true.
A click heralded the opening of the door, and you were instantly moving out of sight. Pressed against the wall by the side door of the house, you prepared to open it and run if you had to, though you knew you wouldn’t be able to keep going for long.
“Y/N’s upstairs, I’ll just tell her I’m back-“
Your eyes closed as you let yourself breathe again.
“Uh, Taehyung,” you spoke, making yourself known in the doorway.
He stood on the lowest step, Jimin and Namjoon standing behind him in the hall.
Hastily, you apologised and passed them to go back upstairs, complete with your glass of water. It became clear soon after that an important discussion was being had, their voices sounding serious even though you could barely understand them from up here. Luckily, it was easy enough to make a guess as to their topic of conversation.
“He’s fighting a war with no opposition right now! He’ll steamroller us if we don’t do anything,” Namjoon’s voice was rising, and now that your book lay discarded beside you, you couldn’t help but hear. Perhaps it was against your better judgement, but the situation was relevant to you, and besides, you needed some drama to liven up your boring life hiding away.
“But Jungkookie told us he might already be in danger,” Jimin fired back.
A loaded pause.
“You know I wouldn’t put him in harms’ way. Never question that – I would do anything to protect every one of you. But that’s exactly why we need to do something.”
Taehyung’s voice cut in here, lower in volume, shepherding the conversation away from your prying ears.
“We need a plan.”
Tumblr media
Reblogs are better than likes so please consider reblogging! Comment or message me to be added to the taglist!
Taglist:  @kim-ji-hyeons-world @preciouschimine @just-a-dorito @ireallylikefoodandyoutube @veronawrites @tatastaetaemainblog @enchantingbrowneyedgirl @ironica-m8 @min-shadow​ @harleygirl808 @aianloveseven​
273 notes · View notes
nctinfo · 4 years
Text
[TRANS] Renjun, Jeno & Jaemin’s interview with Arena HOMME+ July 2020 issue!
Tumblr media
RENJUN
Do you like the summer weather? I like the feeling of a refreshing drive under the bright sky while looking at the sea. I like summer evenings too. The feeling of the sun fading away and hiding.
Are you sensitive to heat? I am, but when I’m relaxed the heat feels more bearable.
Your face is lovely. Do you like your face? I wish people would love not only their assets but also their flaws. In that aspect I do like myself.
What’s your asset? My pupils are big. When talking to people you look them in the eyes, right? This is when I think I can relay my message better.
People say that Renjun is pure. Haha. I think everyone’s got something innocent about them, it’s just that we view it differently. I often have weird thoughts. I don’t know if it sounds ridiculous, but I think about things like why are people born, why people have children and raise them, why life exists. I think about the universe too, I also like documentaries about the animal world. I am curious and it’s not like anyone can just tell me the answers, right? It’s just fun to ask questions and let your imagination run free.
What have you been imagining lately? Before bed I imagine a place and come up with stories and characters. For example if I was a character in a movie like <Avatar> I imagine what kind of creatures would be there, if I would be able to fly and where I would fly to...
Are you a person who needs alone time? That’s right. I used to want company when I was lonely. But these days I think that alone time is good too. I don’t know what kind of person I was before, but now I think I have to focus on myself. I think I need to be firm with myself to take care of other people.
Why do you want to be firm with yourself? I came to such a big company like SM, there’s so many charming people. At first I always cared about other people’s eyes on me. How do others view me, what do they think of me, what should I do to look good in their eyes. But at one point I couldn’t keep up with others. I wanted to walk my own path only.
Do you have a soft side? Honestly yes. I cry easily and I get emotional a lot. Back in the day I wanted to showcase a strong image of me to hide the tenderness, but right now I’m just focusing on making my heart strong.
What is a strong heart? It’s something of my own. So that people can’t shake me up easily.
Are you soft looking but strong inside? It doesn’t matter whether it’s soft on the outside but tough on the inside, or tough both outside and inside. I don’t have to look strong or weak, I just have to be ‘me’. I like drawing, but whenever I drew something off I would stress over it. I use my brain a lot without even realising, unconsciously. So even when a drawing came out well I would still be stressing over it. Now I’m not restricting myself with only drawing well, I don’t erase anything, I just want to draw happily.
Do you know Renjun as a person now? I think I do a little, since I don’t care what others think and express what I want to express. But I also still don’t. Time and experience will solve it.
You said you didn’t do the MBTI test on purpose? To be honest I tried once. But I only want myself to know. I want to be seen as I am. 
What did you dream of as a child? Becoming a star. Ever since I was little I wanted to become an idol. I enjoyed dancing and singing, it’s like I was shining.
Do you believe in destiny? I do. 
Do you think Renjun coming to Korea was destiny? That’s right. It’s unbelievable to me. I applied for an audition but gave up because I didn’t hear anything back. So I was just eating and received a call and yelled on the spot. I was this happy haha. The next day straight away I bought the tickets to the audition place and participated in the global audition. 
Why did you think you couldn’t make it? I’m the type to be prepared for the worst case scenario. So I’m very happy and thankful I made it this far.
How was adjusting to Korea? It wasn’t as hard as I thought. It was something I wanted.
What are fans to Renjun? I too like kpop and idols, so I know this feeling very well. I know how it feels to think of someone as a person who gives you strength, so I change my position. What would I be feeling if I were a fan? We’re giving strength to each other.
What kind of songs would you like to sing? Pretty fantasy songs like those from Disney movies. I want to sing a cover of the <Frozen> OST ‘For the First Time in Forever’.
That would suit Renjun well. What kind of person do you see as cool? Someone who knows who they are. Someone who is impressive even without talking, someone who doesn’t use perfume but still draws people in as if they smelled good. I want to become a person like this.
In that case is Renjun impressive? Hahaha. Although I like how I am now I need to become even better. 
What is something Renjun dreams of now? Self approval. One day I would also like to spend my life travelling around the world and looking at the beauty of it.
JENO 
What do you usually do in summer? Since debut we usually have a comeback in summer and promote. When I was little, my parents and I would always go to a valley. I like swimming. I even learned the butterfly stroke. I’m fairly good at it.
Your body is more solid than expected. I didn’t mean for it to become like this, but I really like sports. I like to make use of my body. I like going to the gym and because I love cycling I’ll occasionally ride to Han River or Yangpyeong. When I was little, I played table tennis and badminton pretty diligently. I usually remain motionless and use up all my energy at once. I’d rather put all my strength into it and then stay exhausted.
Are you competitive? Very. I think a lot about how to win anything. I feel uncomfortable when losing.
Are you goal-oriented? Having no goal makes you sluggish. I have to have a clear goal in order to systematically work hard towards achieving it. My current goal is showing how much I’ve matured for our next comeback. I monitor my seniors a lot. It’s great motivation. I want to become a person who is really good at one thing at least.
Who do you want to be most alike in fierceness? U-Know Yunho sunbaenim’s passion. It’d be hard to catch up, but I really want to be like him.
It’s surprising your name isn’t a stage name. Imperial “Je”(帝), hard work “No”(努). Do you like it? My maternal grandfather picked it. He named me that so I may receive strength from a higher position. I really like it. It’s not common. Haha. I feel the responsibility of living like my name.
Is your dream big? It’s more than high. It should be high. Since I was little, I liked to be praised and wanted to do things perfectly. Instead of praising myself, I always say, ‘No, you’re not there yet.’ I already receive enough compliments and support from our fans. I don’t even need to praise myself. You have to gain strength and train yourself with that support. 
You have a tall nose and defined jaw. Do you like your face? I’m not dissatisfied. Hahaha. I’ve been liking my tear mole these days. I wasn’t really conscious of it before, but lately I’m glad that I have it. If I didn’t have that tear mole, I think I’d give off too strong of an impression. Doesn’t it look good? Haha.
I remember Jeno from the Angpang Milk ad. He was a child model that everyone would remember when mentioned at the time. Back then, I was scared and cried all the time. When I came on set there were so many strangers, and when I was in front of the camera, I cried because I couldn’t see my mom. Hahaha. It got better once I found out the staff people weren’t scary people.
What were you like off-camera? Rather than going out and playing with friends, I liked studying and reading books. I studied very hard in elementary school. Come to think of it, I seem to really like doing things by myself. I enjoyed reading a series of youth novels, conducting scientific experiments, putting puzzles together, or assembling Lego. A homebody to this day. Haha.
What’s the fun part of creating something? A sense of accomplishment. There’s pride and satisfaction in saying ‘I did it!’ I’m a person for whom a sense of accomplishment is of great importance. I also like this sense of accomplishment when I get to prepare and show a performance.
Did having an early social life help you with promotions? Not being opposed to making eye contact with the camera, also smiling/laughing well. I often hear that I look cold when I’m expressionless, but when we are together, I always laugh and everyone knows the real me. Hahaha.
On the contrary, what was regretful about acting since a very young age? Nothing. I got a good opportunity and experienced a lot. Nothing to regret.
You have a strange sense of stability for your age. I’m not very emotional by nature. I don’t cry much and I rarely have mood swings. With other members being so animated and having so much character it may seem like that. But I’m not as calm as I look. I’m just the type to not show when I get irritated or hurt, I talk quietly after a while. I just unwind on my own and don’t want to make things uncomfortable.
They say you’re an ‘FM’ person who goes by the rules. It’s good to be certain about anything. I try my best to perform my duties properly.
What do the other members think what kind of person Jeno is? A reliable one. When I address important matters within the team, I talk about them naturally. Rather than relying on them, it’s like I’m passing on difficult questions… hahaha.
What kind of person do you think is impressive? Someone who does what they want, someone with room for development. First of all if a person does what they want they are less likely to give up, more than anything a person like this is happy.
Is Jeno impressive? I’m trying my best. But I am doing what I want and because I’m receiving support from so many people I am happy for sure. If 10 means the best (in terms of happiness) then it’s a 10.
You debuted as a teen and now you are 20. Do you think you’ve grown a little? My appearance and skills have grown but my mindset is still that of a kid. Thoughts and personality are the same. 
It’s like you’ve grown with the Dream members together without changing classes. Right. I can’t even imagine not having these friends. I’ve been seeing Jaemin for 7~8 years now though so I’m a little tired of him, hahaha. Kinda like even if we buy one thing, we buy it together. We have our own world.
What is Jeno dreaming of now? To become a cool person while being happy. 
JAEMIN
What do you usually do in the summer? I like sports you can do in the water. Jet skiing or riding a yacht. I can already ride a yacht by myself. Even though the summer is better than a cold winter, my favorite season is autumn.
Pretty with round eyes and a bright smile. What's your favorite thing about your face? I like my eyes the most. The fans caught on some details I didn't even know about, so I became more fond of my eyes.
How did you get the nickname ‘Nana’? It's 'Nana' because my name is Na Jaemin. It's pretty and I like it. It's a nickname that's been used since I was a trainee.
When you look at Jaemin, he seems to be someone who likes people and is full of love for humanity. It's been like that since I was born. There's no need to dislike someone when you meet them for the first time. Hahaha. I think relationships between people and friends are the most important part of life.
How is your relationship with the members? It's very solid. Since we lived together for 7~8 years, it is safe to say that we are family. We know each other so well, and can speak our minds right away without fighting. I can talk about things with my members, I can't tell my mother because I don't want her to worry, and lean on them.
You seem to have a lot of natural aegyo, were you born with it? I'm an only child so I received lots of love. It's not something I do on command, but my body expresses the affection my mom has given me since I was young. I want to be someone who gives back the love I received from the fans. When you have received love, you can now give love.
Are you athletic? My mother made me exercise a lot when I was young. I learned sports like speed skating, inline skating, snowboarding, and it suited me well. Once I started, I did it all day without knowing the passing of time. These days, I usually ride a bicycle with Jeno. If you go to the Hangang you can ride about 30km at a time. 
You seem to have endurance. It's in my personality to see it until the end. If what you want to do doesn't work out, keep going with the best of your abilities.
You seem very bright. The words keep pouring out. When I work I try my best to speak as much as possible, flaunt aegyo and show a bright image, but I don't speak much back at the dorm. I'm the type to pour out everything when I'm outside but will need to recharge when I'm home. My bed is my side battery. Hahaha. At home, I like to listen to songs alone, write or edit pictures.
You drink your coffee overly bitter and eat sweets overly sweet. That's right. It's a bit extreme. Hahaha. I do what I want to do! I dislike what I dislike. I'm that kind of type.
I heard you make Tangfuru for the members? Jisung and Chenle eat it especially well. These days I'm into T-bone steak and think about getting a sous vide machine. The kids like meat.
You look like someone who can take care of different things well I take care [of things/others/dreamies] really well. Hahaha. When they are hungry I will make something they want. When they say things like "Hyung, how to run the washing machine,' 'the boiler is not turned on,' 'the internet is not working,' I try to help as much as I can.
When you shot for <Arena> two years ago you were still a teenager, but now you're an adult. Do you think you've grown? I still have pictures of that time on my phone. Looking at the pictures that were taken today, it seems like I've grown up well. When I read the interview from 2 years ago again, I must've thought I was all grown up back then, hahaha. At 20 years old now, I think I'm still far from being grown up. I'm still young. There's still a lot to learn.
What was your dream when you were young? I never thought of becoming an idol. I was really shy back then. Originally my dream was to become a surgeon. When I was young I saw <Mysteries of the Human Body> and had such dreams. Haha. I wanted to save people!
You were cast while you were volunteering. Even after debuting, you continued to show support. I think I should give back to society as much as I have received. Since I was young my mom has told me "If you receive, you must know how to give back." It's normal for me, I used to donate in my name since I was really young.
What kind of person do you think is impressive? Someone who has more to offer on the inside than outside. Rather than being a flashy person I want to become someone solid with substance. 
What are your interests these days? To be honest I’m slow with trends. I find out about things like half a year later than others. These days we talk with the members about what content to show our fans when we’re inactive [not promoting]. I want to post my own pictures and self-edited videos so I’m teaching myself how to do it. Lately, I’ve been wanting to learn how to use photo editing software properly, but it’s difficult to deal with. 
Jaemin is known for taking good pictures. Hahaha. I uploaded pictures I took of the members yesterday and the fans liked it and told me my skills had improved. Since I'm getting praised I want to keep taking pictures and upload them.
It looks like you like to capture portraits more than landscapes. I love taking portraits. For example, trees always stand in a similar shape in the same place. But as for people, I can make them do whatever I want them to do and see various expressions continuously. I think that's much more attractive. It's fun to capture facial expressions, eyes, nose, and other features.
What kind of dreams do you have now? Dreams should be grand and certain. Always set high goals. My dream is to get many more of our fans who love us. And in order to do that I must work even harder. The pictorial we shot today has a distinct sexy feeling. So I hope you’ll enjoy it. Hahaha. 
Translation: Alex, Myeon, Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: Arena HOMME+ — Do not repost or take out without our permission!
297 notes · View notes
btswishes · 3 years
Text
Love me for who I am now
Tumblr media
Bucky x Reader ( Chapter 4)
Previous / Next (5)
Summary: You apply for the Stark internship and end up getting it, so now you have 5 months to make a good impression to continue working with the Avengers.
A/N: Ok. I think I need to calm down with the descriptions a bit. They might be a bitt too much for everything. Good thing this is an experiment and a challenge for my damn bratty authors block. Sorry for any mistakes made, hope you enjoy it even a tiny bit.
Tag list: @vicmc624​
Word count:  3,305
Warmings: fights, harsh language, not part of the original MCU
Y/N- Your name                             
Y/L/N- Your Last Name                  
40s Vocabulary:  
killer diller - the best, amazing
grandstand - show off in a boastful manner
​snap your cap - get angry
flip your wig - lose your temper, lose control
                                   ----------------------------
   The compound was overthrown by silence, such a sweet melody combined with the sound of the nightly creatures, passing by at such heights. One would be surprised at what could even survive up here, at least the city was just a distant presence. The clock hit 12 as you closed the door of the lab behind yourself. After tiding up you decided to brush over some stuff, ending up just doing 3 more hours of work. Steve wouldn’t be happy to find out you did exactly what he expected.
  Your feet tiptoeing snuck around the halls, making sure no one noticed or got woken up by you. No sound came out, not even by your breath. You were expecting to see the glimmer of light from at least 2 rooms, but apparently no one was up. Palm against the metal of the door, it slid open ever so silently as its owner.
“Ah~…” you let out a deep breath, letting your body sink onto the bed- work books and empty laptop bag on the covers under your right hand. Replenishing the oxygen, you took in the smell of the sheets. A mix of fresh, crisp mountains with a hint of floral tones.
       Knock knock
   Your head came up first, allowing the guest access to your room, before pushing half your body up with hands firmly pressed into the bedding. The hissing sound of the door revealed a head pocking from the side, illuminated slightly by the dim lighting coming from inside.
“Am I bothering?” the female voice asked
“Um no, actually I just came from the lab.” You explained, beginning to identify the owner of the rich voice slowly
“Come over to my room then.” blunt and direct, a woman that never beat around the bush. Something you wanted to be able to do as well sometimes
“Nat!” another sweet note flew into your room, rapidly cutting off the residual command “You are supposed to ask her if she wants to come, not demand. She could be tired.”
“Oh come on.” Natasha looked back at the second companion, reading her a lecture in the corridor “She can say no.” with the corner of her eye she was indirectly actuating you in her favor. Agent habits die…well - never.
“ I am a night owl so if you don’t mind I would love to join you.” Still whispering in case someone woke up, you were pulled out from your room by the two women. It felt like a blink of an eye when you found yourself cross-legged on the soft mattress. The situation was not expected and very much tense for you. Soft tapping sounds of rain filled the room, creating a cozy ambiance. Natasha was leaning onto her elbow - body sideways, while Wanda was completely laying onto her stomach- both looking at you.
“Relax.” Natasha tapped your shoulder. It felt almost like magic when your body did exactly that, well maybe it was since Wanda’s hand flashed a bit. I don’t think anyone would complain about the sudden stress relieve. Compared to your pretty empty living quarters this place showed the years spend. The color of the wall was a warm light tone of dark amber. Combined with the wooden style furniture and small knickknacks, it had a warm cabin like feeling - welcoming. You did not regret coming here at all, now that you were situated. And the rain, the light drops just added so much to this, almost like you were on vacation in the woods and star-gazing with your closest friends.
“So, how did it go with Mr. Always Grumpy?” Wanda uttered below you, attention spilling out of her very existence
“Bucky?” you asked strings pulling a nod from both of them “Thought so.” sighing, your elbows dug into the soft cover supporting your upper body “ He just threw a tantrum that ended up with him almost choking me out on the spot and not in the good way. Fixed his arm though. ”you added proud of the last sentence
“Wait, wait.” Natasha swung her hands side to side in front of her face in disbelieve “He let you fix his shoulder? No, no let me rephrase that. James Buchanan Barnes let you touch him? Someone he doesn’t know?”
“How?” Wanda sat up in a split second, making the bed shift a bit from the kinetic energy applied to it
“Simple.” Your pointer finger flung up positioned between your eyebrows, before pointing at the two women “Treat him like a moody antisocial child.” A wide evil smirk tugged from side to side onto your lips “ I just told him that if he doesn’t get it fixed he will be a burden on the next mission. For someone trying to erase his past by doing good deeds and being useful, this was like a jab to his ego.”
“That…” Wanda’s fingers wrapped around her chin, letting her sink in thought “…that makes a lot of sense honestly. I would have never come up with that.”
“Enough about fossil number 2.” Natasha clapped her hands “Since we will be neighbors from now on, let’s go around and do a short introduction happy campers.”
“I will go first.” Wanda rose her hand beginning “Wanda Maximoff here, your teammate living right in front of you.”
“You can just call me Nat, no need for formalities, Captain’s orders.” She joked
“I mean for me just Wanda is ok.”
“I guess the introduction is directed more towards me.” A giggle rung out “ Y/N Y/L/N, studying in Stark University with a very weird past, that I can’t explain to myself either. Your new neighbor and teammate from what I can gather. Pleasure to make -“ too formal you thought to yourself, it was time to let go a bit “Nice to meet yall.”
  You found yourself getting along with the girls much faster than with anyone else in the compound. Maybe it was because you didn’t have an awkward first confrontation with any of them or a choking one.
“By the way.” You lured them back with your voice “Tony said something about me using the gym. What’s all that about? ”
  The two turned to each other questioning for a moment, before deciding that it wouldn’t hurt to know what Tony was mixing in his little pot of mischief – had to get used to it sooner or later.
“He is testing an Avengers new generation program on you.” Nat concluded from their numerous conversations about you prior to your arrival or, as a matter of fact, even your application acceptance “The gym is for well, to make sure you don’t die on missions.”
“Ok, hol’ up hol’ up.” Your eyes squeezed shut when your hands waved air side to side “Not only am I a ‘build an avenger’ type of deal, but I will be going on missions?!”
  Their non verbal agreement pulling a deep and already exhausted sigh out of you. It hadn’t even began and your muscles were in pain. You got yourself in this mess, you kind of wanted it so no backing down now. Your pride wouldn’t let you.
  The rest of the night was filled with jokes, snarky comments about the men in the compound. Natasha had dirt on almost all of them with the occasional help of Wanda. The three troublesome birdies soon fell asleep each in her own corner of the bed, till later in the night when you huddled up. The window in Natasha’s room was the main culprit causing you to ball one next to the other.
  Light slowly creeping into the common room and welcoming the men stumbling early for a cup of coffee - drowsy and very much looking like bird nests. Tony dressed in his fancy pjs was quick in his preparations, while Sam and Steve were still waiting next to the bubbling machine, on each side of it. Arms crossed, pressed against firm muscles and fighting the sleep.
“Morning early birds.” Tony teased Sam when Bucky’s heavy steps passed behind the playboy. He looked the most awake and ready for a mission out of everyone. Steve pulled out a couple of mugs and poor the hot dark liquid, passing 2 out to his buddies.
  Peace covered them like a comfort veil, sips frequently reminding that time was indeed still flowing and not paused. Boredom began crawling up their spines, when Bruce’s emerging presents lit them up. The need for some vibrancy was soaking into the air.
“What is up with the serious atmosphere?” he asked grabbing one of the cups resting on the bar.
“Something is missing here.” Sam pushed his lips to the side speaking of things everyone noticed “It’s...too quiet.”
“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” Tony released his grip on the mug, resting it on the table
Yes Sir?
“Where are the rest of us?”
If you are speaking of Miss Maximoff, Miss Romanoff and Miss Y/L/N they are still in bed.
“I know I buy the best beds, but this is a bit too much.” Tony got up and walked over to Wanda’s room, knocking on the door. He waited for an answer, but none was given. His head pocked in just for his eyes to be met with emptiness.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y. where are they?” Tony stomped over to your room, which was in the same condition maybe a bit emptier since you were a new arrival
In Miss Romanoff’s room Sir.
“All of them?” Steve pushed his hips off the counter, tall figure stalking after Tony.
Yes Sir.
  The door slid open and Steve almost choked out a loud laugh at the sight. The three of you were cuddled up like stray cats trying to keep warm during the cold winter days, waiting for an owner to come and pick you up. Hands pushing his lips closed, Steve snuck in closing the open window. As simple as the action was it released a calming moan from one of you, the space already getting warmer.
“I don’t have the heart to wake them up.” Bruce announced with a cheerful whisper 
“Yeah, keep them like that.” Sam pulled out his phone and started taking pictures
“What are you doing?” Bucky’s body leaning onto the doorframe, the newest member to this room-visit
“What does it look like tin can arm?” clicking sounds bouncing off the wall “Getting some dirt on Nat. The amount of blackmail material she has on me is too much.”
“Ok, you had your fun bird brain.” Bucky grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled the phone way from your resting figures, specifically you.
“Calm down you two.” Steve tried to pull them away and out of the small space
“What got your panties twisted?” Sam’s body stood up confidant, clenching the muscles being wrapped by the cold vibranium plates “The Winter Soldier look is showing on that smug face of yours.” The dark glistening skin pushed closer to Bucky as he was almost picking a fight “ Shit, if I didn’t know better I would say someone was whispering them trigger words of yours.” 
  Sam finally had something to use for revenge, but this whole righteous behavior of Bucky was spoiling his fun. The rest of the guys felt the pressure accumulating around the menacing men “Zhelaniye and Semnadtsat something like that right? Oh wait that is right~...Wakanda whipped your ass clean.” The awful Russian accent awoke Natasha, but feeling the heavy air she decided to wait her time to get those pictures back. Sly one.
 The words were loud enough for everyone to wait for Bucky’s reaction.
“Rzhaviy or some shit li-“ the word crept inside your ear together with the sentence beforehand. Your left hand decided that the position it was in wasn’t comfortable anymore, swinging your left foot in the opposite direction. Hands pushing off the bed with a rough creek, let your left knee hook onto Sam’s neck – body hanging like a chain in front of him. Your fingers didn’t waste time to snake around his own calves pulling them up.
“Wha-!” Sam gasped when the heels of your feet pushed his shoulders back – head hitting the soft carpet with a loud thud and grunt. There was no time to take a breath for the poor man before your arms locked the air in his throat.
  Natasha grabbed the phone quickly and deleted whatever she could find about herself, while everyone else sat stunned.
“I give- I give- up!” Sam tried squeezing the words out of his mind as he began tapping the floor and your elbow.
“I got the pics Y/N.”Nat waved the phone at you, but your hands began to tighten around his neck. Sam was starting to turn colors his skin wasn’t supposed to have.
“Y/N!” Bucky growled out loud and commanding, shacking up the whole room. It felt like a bubble popped from in front of you, body jolting at the voice.
“Ha?” your lips fell open as your body relaxed, letting Sam finally suck in so much ai,r the covers on Natsha’s bed almost went inside his mouth. Your jaw closed just so your throat could swallow a bit of spit seeing as it was feeling dry, before it opened back up. Sam’s body heat pulled your gaze down to him when you started to register the situation.
“Oh God!” you pulled away from him, apologies spilling out of you, too many in a second “I was sleepwalking again!”
  Dumbfound, that was exactly the expression on everyone’s face hearing you say that. You were used to your nightly habits, even your family found it natural at this point.
“Usually when I have nightmares I either mumble or sleepwalk.” Trying to explain yourself didn’t change what everyone was feeling.
“OW!” Steve screeched out upon feeling Tony’s fingers pinch his arm
“I am not dreaming am I? You all saw that too.” He felt Cap swat his hand away sending a warm wave of pain through his limb
“Test it on yourself next time!” he hissed
“I call that sleep fighting not walking.” Bruce pitched in feeling left out “You are trying to tell us you are…used to this?” your head nodded, roughed up hair flying back and forth
“My mom calls them night terrors. Tried to get help for it, but I guess the only one who could help me was my uncle. One of the reasons why I spend so much time with him.” You grinned trying to get out of this mess as fast as possible with less casualties
“I am stopping this now.”Tony threw his hands in the air “I am not awake enough to deal with all this...and that tiny assassin.” You followed him hastily to the kitchen whipping yourself a cup of tea and flying over to one of the seats. The rest of the Avengers followed your stumbling figure out of the room – slow steps, a mix of amazement and confusion, pain for some. Sam sat on the couch pretty far from you, keeping quiet. Your eyes scanned the room waiting for someone to say something or to cut the thick atmosphere with a butter knife.
“Can I take Y/N over from Nat?” Steve was the hero in this moment . Tony waved his hand, swallowing his almost cold coffee
“Do what you want, I am not capable of decisions right now.” The screeching floor yelped under the chair’s feet. Sam followed Bucky out the room, after Tony announced his departure. 
“Come with me kid.” Steve’s heavy yet warm hand fond your tense shoulder muscles. Your body jumped and followed the man like a small chick behind its mother. You ran to your room taking a quick shower, a dash of deodorant and putting on workout clothes. Washing yourself before sweating made no sense, but the warmth tended to relax you. Taking into consideration the amount of stress you were feeling for awhile now – it felt good.
  The gym was maybe 3 levels before the floor you lived on, information revealed to you in the not so comfortable awkward ride with the elevator. The doors slid open unveiling a whole new world. Stylish…there is nothing you could say at this point but Tony owned it, it talked for itself. Steve told you to leave the duffle bag onto a bench and come to the equipment. 
“Have you used any of these?” he pointed at the machines and you shook your head. You knew about them from youtube videos and maybe 1 or 2 gym visits, but saying up right being able to use them properly was questionable. “Ok, let’s start with a quick evaluation of your body’s capabilities.”
  With the corner of your eyes you could see Bucky lifting an absurd amount of weights – super soldier let’s not forget that again. You started first with the bar without anything on it, before Steve began adding. You were struggling, which made him know when to stop piling stuff and changing the muscle groups. What felt like 2 hours later he gave you a small break, walking over to his friend to spot him.
  A dust cloud swirled around the metal arm before the weights floated in the air. Once more finding yourself eyeing him head to toe – his arms were glistening from the sweat droplets forming onto them. The t-shirt was tightly clinging on his muscles like glue was applied to them previously. His hair fixed to patches of his lovable face. That untamed beard and ice blue eyes made his existence mirror that of a Greek God statue. Fingers tingling around your water bottle unknowingly wishing to touch him, before noticing Steve walking up to you – not before Bucky’s eyes met yours for a split second for who knows what time.
“He is a killer diller aint he.” The blonde snickered at your flushed face, being caught staring. Taking a quick drink from your bottle ,you stood up and threw it to Steve
“Grandstand.” you coughed out at the man leaving him stunned in place from what just erupted from your mouth “You coming?” you coaxed him successfully.
  Aside from the small playful teasing Cap tried to play on you,F on his best friend’s back - training was though. He wasn’t going easy on you, ass hitting the floor one too many times for your liking. You could already feel the bruises coloring your skin a midnight blue with a hint of a bloody red.
“Time out!” puffing out the words with the last liter of air left inside your lungs “I-I can’t Steve.” The dull thudding sound your legs made hitting the mat echoed in the big gym. It was loud enough to wake up the dead.
“That is enough for today. You did surprisingly well. Don’t you think Mr. Grandstrand?” a towel flung on top of your head turning off the lights in your mind. With a trembling hand you pulled it off to look at the one and only Sergeant, looming over you. Steve’s words summoned a low groan from Bucky filled with annoyance.
“Hey now, don’t snap your cap.” A type of teasing only possible between friends gone through decades and countless near death situations. The towel was soft enveloped in a calming and nostalgic smell. Having gained some of your strength back, your palms pushed off the floor with a fling. For a moment your demeanor mirrored that of Steve, calmly tapping Bucky’s back and throwing him a playful look, that of years long pals.
“Come on cap, don’t tease him that much. He gonn’ flip his wig soon.” The sentence dripping with a heavy old school Brooklyn accent. No war could prepare them both for this one sided conversation they just witnessed.
“Did she just?” Bucky pointed at you, finger hovering in the direction of your disappearing body silhouette.
“I don’t know man.” 
32 notes · View notes
oxhaven · 3 years
Text
Let Me Love You pt. 2 / hybrid!au - Jimin
Tumblr media
1. 2. | Jungkook | Taehyung | Hoseok | Yoongi | Seokjin
Tumblr media
“Are you fucking kidding me…” you quietly hissed to yourself, glaring ahead at the dog sitting at the bar eyeing you back with an amused grin on his face. You wasted no time stepping forward and dropping your purse on a freshly wiped down table ready to get your hands around his neck. You didn’t make it that far as Nari called your name in warning, making you stop in place though the anger in your face never left.  
“What is this fucking theif doing in my bar?” you asked through gritted teeth, staring down the mutt as his lips tugged into a wider smirk. 
“Our bar, Dahyun.” 
“Hey! What was your name again?” Jimin gleefully greeted, making your blood boil as your nose flared and eyes twitched. 
“Let’s step outside and I’ll tell you.” 
“Enough with the hostility please.” Nari begged, continuing to wipe down the bar counter behind the pup who was enjoying the encounter he was having with you. He leaned forward in the bar stool, hands between his legs as he gripped onto the edge of the black chair. The addicting smile on his face only angered you more, annoyance and vexation making you want wring his neck loose. 
“This is the dog that stole my shit!” you pointed a finger at him, irritation in your voice as you spoke to Nari. You wanted to cry with how bad you wanted to hurt him, the only thing holding you back was your trusted co-worker who was seemingly having the thief’s back. 
“I have no argument to that, I truly did.” Jimin confessed to Nari, tilting his head back for her to hear before she was rolling her eyes. 
“He’s here wanting to apply for a job.” 
“If you have your own little pet mascot in here, I don’t see why you won’t keep me. I’m much cuter.” He turned in his chair to face Nari, ignoring the second pair of eyes glaring him down as he rested his chin in his palm. He was pulling all the stops on Nari, even the puppy eyes that seemed to have no affect on her.  
“You’re going to hire him!?” you rasped, mouth dropping and eyes going wide, ready to drop to your knees in anguish. 
“No.” The answer was given in unison by Nari and the new girl, making Jimin feign an exasperated sigh. 
“Oh well. So much for turning over a new leaf. You need a partner for the mating season, sweetcheeks?” 
A growl was his only answer from Chaesol before he shrugged and turned back to Nari. “What about you?”
“Already have one.” 
“Maybe you need a new one.”
Nari chuckled to herself, beginning to wipe down the shot glasses as her eyes focused on her tasks. “Trust me, I don’t. I’m not a dog person.”
Jimin slowly turned in his chair, the only option left in the room having to be you as that same aggravating smirk appeared on his face. You readied yourself to cuss him out until you watched his face drop as the sound of the bell signaled a customer coming into the bar. 
Your eyes darted to Nari, seeing her eyebrows knit together at the door as she asked, “What are you doing here?”
You turned your head around, eyes going wide at the sight of the same two men from hybrid control making their way down the steps. 
“Came back for that drink.” 
You fast stepped straight to Jimin, helping turn his body in the chair before pulling his hood up over his head and wrapping your arm around his shoulders. You leaned in close to him and pulled his tail between the two of you trying your best to hide it as you kept your eyes on the back watching the two men as they came forward between the empty tables. Nari came from behind the bar counter, crossing her arms after throwing a rag on the table to set the boundary between them. 
“Well we’re open, but I honestly wouldn’t want to serve you after the last encounter we’ve had.”  
“Kicking us out the bar because you don’t want us seeing how you already have a hybrid holed up in here, huh?” 
You could feel Jimin stiffen in your hold as you held onto your breath, clenching your eyes shut as escape plans flew through your mind. Luckily Chaesol was the one to speak up, confirming they didn’t know about Jimin and calming the both of your nerves. “I work here.”
“She has a working permit and she works for me in my bar. I have no obligation to release her to you guys.” Nari corrected the men in front of her, challenging their authority as they both laughed. One of the men stepped closer to her, the same dark eyes boring into her hazel ones as he spoke lowly, “Who do you think you are, wanting to save every hybrid that comes in here?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like you’re upset that I’m making your job harder for you. If you don’t like it, call your boss.” 
He stared her down for a long while, the room tensing up upon their stare down match before the man said aloud, “What ya standing around for, pup? Pour me a drink.” 
He moved to the bar, a little ways over from you and Jimin before his partner joined him. Nari gave a nod in Chaesol’s direction before she was pulling out shot glasses, taking the two men’s orders before giving the both of you a look. 
“We’re gonna go out and grab something to eat, we’ll be back later.” you quickly said before grabbing onto Jimin’s hand and pulling him up and towards the door. The hairs on your back rose, feeling all sets of eyes on the two of you as you kept it moving, hearing Nari muster her best normal response so the men wouldn’t catch on. 
“Go ahead, take your time. Me and Chaesol have it covered here.”
You could finally breathe when you stepped outside, the cold night air filling your lungs and relaxing a bit of your nerves as you refused to stop walking. You headed straight for home with Jimin in tow, thinking of how you were going to handle this situation. You were sadly mistaken though, the hand in yours snatching back and making you turn to give Jimin a curious look. 
“What are you doing?” 
“What are you doing?” He countered back, anger written in his features as his fingers curled into fists. “I’m not going with you.”
You scoffed. “Oh excuse me, like we all didn’t try to save your ass back there. Chaesol is in more danger than you and you want to act like a petty prick right now?”
“I didn’t need saving. I can take care of myself.”
You scoffed again, letting out a chuckle before crossing your arms. “Says the person who needs to steal things from others just to support himself.”
The glare in his eyes was too much of a contrast from the snarky looks he was giving you in the bar, completely throwing  you off and confusing this situation for you even more. You stared at each other for a long moment, until the look in his eyes began to soften and his fists uncurled. 
“Get home safely, Dahyun.” 
You watched in bewilderment as he turned and walked off, leaving you there in bitter confusion with your mouth dropping open. “You're leaving??! Just like that!!?”
He didn’t bother to look back, not even a wave as he continued to walk briskly in the cold night and away from you. You dropped your arms to your sides, your body feeling completely defeated. You didn’t have the energy to try anymore, turning around on your heel in the direction to home. Soft bursts of chuckles released from your body with shakes, a whimper in your laugh as you entertained the idea of beating your head on the wall. It’s only been a day and you felt like you were going crazy. Was everything you were doing wrong?
You dragged yourself into your apartment, still not used to your missing property from their rightful spots. It left your apartment feeling cold and empty, a perfect match to your soul as you laughed at the thought lightly. You didn’t have the energy to make food or get in the shower, only giving thanks to Nari for giving you the night off as you slipped into a loose t-shirt and a pair of panties. You made sure to send a quick text asking if Chaesol and her were alright after slipping underneath your covers, pulling the blanket over your head and curling your body in on yourself. You could only whimper, making yourself more upset from being too drained to cry. 
You couldn’t get your mind off of him. The annoying, bastard of a dog who played you like a fiddle. The amount of kindness you try to show and this is what you were rewarded with. Even with those types of thoughts, your mind still lingered to his eyes, his smile that made his eyes curl up into small little smiles. Those floppy ears on top of his head that would twitch every time he was amused by something. 
Why did you save him there?
You could have let hybrid control have him. Reported him right then and there and watch him be forced into a truck that would take him away. Even if that would calm your want for revenge, the image of it makes you sick to your stomach. You didn’t want to watch him suffer, you just wanted an apology for once. You just wanted someone to stay for once. 
Your eyes popped open when you heard the sound of rain pouring outside. You realized you had dozed off thinking about Jimin as you sat up to look out the window and watch the rain come down. You stared at it for a moment, your mind bubbling up with the memory of finding him out there from before, completely drenched and shivering in the cold. 
You moved out of bed quickly, not bothering to throw on some more clothes as you stepped your feet into your slippers and headed out the door. You left your apartment in a hurry, racing down the steps and hopping down at the last two to burst through the doors and out into the cold rain. You didn’t have any idea where he could have gone; with how much time had passed he could be anywhere. You thought maybe to start with the first place you found him before, and headed in that direction before coming to a complete stop. 
You whipped your head to the side of your building, looking down at the mutt leaning against the brick wall. He turned his head just as you noticed him, needing to blink the rain out of his eyelashes to realize it was you coming over to him. Just like before though the rain was much heavier and cold on your back, you reached out your bare arm to shield the rain from his eyes 
with your hand. You offered a smile, the best one you could muster as you decided to save your little pup stuck in the rain again.   
“You’re soaked.”
52 notes · View notes
Text
The Worst Surprise (Pt. 3)
Joker x Reader
Masterlist
Part 1  -  Part 2  -  Part 4
   Their faces haunted every moment of my life, looming over me and stealing away my sleep. During the day every fiber of my being longed for J. At night, the memory of his betrayal plagued me with nightmares. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get any respite from the torture.
   Since becoming his, I hadn’t spent a single day away from J. We both got antsy when we didn’t see each other, so J made sure that he never had to be away for a full twenty four hours. No matter what, he would always come home to me. However, now I had spent a full two weeks away, and my body was not having it. When I laid down for bed, I couldn’t get comfortable. I found myself craving the feeling of his strong arms around me and the relaxing smell of his scent. On the rare occasion that I did manage to fall asleep, Harley’s ridiculously perfect face crept into my mind. The exact details of the nightmares were different, but the endings were always the same. They ended with J harshly rejecting me, choosing to be with her instead, and me jolting awake, tears in my eyes.
   Despite how much I hated the nightmares, the time I spent awake was worse. I missed J with every piece of my heart, and I hated it. The asshole had cheated on me, but I still loved him and wanted to be with him. In an attempt to get away from the pain and self hate, I got a job, anything to get me out of the small apartment I was renting. The job was at Barnes & Noble, a place that would have normally brought me comfort, but now did nothing to numb the pain. Still, it gave me something to do and money to live off of. I still had plenty from my Jeep stash, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever. Nothing ever did, apparently not even love.
   This morning my alarm woke me up from another nightmare. My head was pounding and my cheeks were stained with tears, but by now I was used to it. Sighing, I rolled over and turned off my alarm. My body protested when I tried to sit up, still exhausted from my fitful sleep. With a large yawn, I reluctantly pulled myself out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. The tile floor was cold against my bare feet, causing me to shiver. Blindly reaching into the shower, I turned the nob all the way to the left, making the water as hot as it could be. While I was waiting for the water to warm up, I scrutinized my appearance in the mirror.
   I had changed since I left J, and I didn’t like it. My once bright blue eyes had lost some of their color, and now appeared dull. My long blonde hair fell around me in a tangled mess caused by tossing and turning all night long. I had lost weight because I had a hard time forcing myself to eat. Up until this moment, I had forgotten how self destructive I tended to be. It had been a long time since I didn’t have J making sure that I was taking care of myself.  
   Absentmindedly wondering how I had survived before him, I bent down to pull a towel out from under the sink. After placing it on a hook next to the shower, I stripped off my clothes and checked the temperature of the water. The water burned my hand, but I didn’t care because that was how I liked it. Stepping into the shower, I positioned myself under the stream of water. I allowed my muscles to relax as the water ran over them. 
   I stayed in the shower until the water got cold, then stepped out and wrapped the towel around me. Walking out of the bathroom, I headed for my closet. Shifting through my meager amount of clothes, I pulled out one of my work shirts and a pair of dark skinny jeans. Humming softly to myself, I set the clothes on my bed and stepped over to my dresser. I pulled out a black lacy bra and a matching pair of panties. After drying myself off, I slipped my clothes on.
   Once I was dressed, I made my way back into the bathroom where I started to apply my makeup. I applied only a light layer of foundation and mascara, wanting to keep it mostly natural as not to draw attention to myself. I then brushed through my hair, which took at least ten minutes. Making a mental note to braid it before I tried to go to sleep tonight, I began pinning my hair up as well as I could. When I had got it to lay as flat as possible, I turned to the wig sitting on the edge of the counter. Sighing, I picked it up and slipped it over my hair. The wig was short and black, the opposite of my natural hair. I had needed to change it, knowing that J would easily recognize me if he ever got close enough, but I hadn’t been able to make myself dye and cut it. So I bought a wig instead and forced myself to go through the long process of securing it every morning.   
   It was interesting to see how changing something as simple as a person’s hair changed their entire appearance. When I was done securing the wig in place, I was unrecognizable. Nobody who had known me before would be able to tell that it was me if they saw me. I was no longer Azrael. Now I was Evangeline Montgomery, a young woman who moved here looking for an escape from her overbearing family. 
   When I was done getting ready, I checked my phone for the time. I found that I had just enough time to eat breakfast before I had to leave. Walking to the kitchen, I made a bowl of cereal and sat down on a bar stool at the counter to eat it. The cereal was bland, but I forced myself to finish it, knowing that I needed to eat something. As soon as I was done, I rinsed out my bowl and placed it in the sink. Grabbing my purse and making sure to lock the door on my way out, I left my apartment.
   Barnes & Noble was only about a twenty minute walk from my apartment. On the way there, I let the noise of the bustling city distract me from my thoughts. Although I didn’t really like large crowds, I had chosen a big city because they were easier to disappear in. If I had chosen a small town in the middle of nowhere like I would’ve preferred, it would have been easier for J to find me. Plus people tended to like to meddle in each other’s business in small towns which was something I didn’t need.  
   Arriving at work, I found Kara, one of my coworkers and my only friend in this city, opening up the store.
   “Hey Kara,” I said, causing the girl to jump and drop the keys. I laughed lightly as she turned around and stuck her tongue out at me.
   “Thanks for the scare, Eva, I’ll remember that the next time you’re wondering around the shelves,” she said, smiling at me and bending down to pick up the keys. She then preceded to unlock the doors and make her way inside.
   Kara was the only bright spot in my days. She was a kind but sarcastic girl, and the only one of my coworkers who bothered to try to get to know me. We had become friends after our first conversation, bonding over our mutual love of Eddie Redmayne. She was the only person, besides my boss of course, who I had given my number to, and I was honestly grateful to have met her.
   “So, did you get anymore sleep last night?” she asked, beginning to prep the store for customers.
   I slid my hands into my pockets as I followed her, “No, I had another nightmare.” 
   She looked up at me and frowned, “Honey, that’s every night this week.”
   I just shrugged. Kara had managed to pull some of the truth about my situation out of me when we were at lunch one day. I had reluctantly spilled that I missed an ex boyfriend who cheated on me and that it was causing me to loose sleep. Since then, she had fretted over me like a concerned mom.
   “I know what you need,” she said suddenly, looking up from the cash register that she had been in the process of turning on.
   I raised an eyebrow, “And what’s that?”
   “You need a night out at the club with me and some of my friends,’ she grinned, wiggling her eyebrows at me.
    I immediately shook my head, “No, Kara, I don’t have the energy to go out.”
   Kara just rolled her eyes, “Mark my words, Evangeline, I will convince you to come, and you will enjoy yourself.” 
   Smiling at my friend, I shook my head again and made my way to the back of the store. After placing my purse in the break room, I began pulling new books out of their boxes and putting them on the shelves. Before too long, I had lost myself in the mindless labor of stocking shelves.
   I spent the rest of the day organizing books and helping customers. Every time Kara and would pass by me, she would add another reason to why I should go out with her tonight. After about an hour of hearing her plead and bargain, I decided that I would go. It would be nice to get to dance again, and I didn’t really have a reason not to go. It’s not like I had anything waiting for me at the apartment. 
   Even though I had decided to go, I didn’t tell Kara. It was funny to watch her get frustrated with me and walk off muttering to herself, so I continued to make her think that I wouldn’t go. Sometimes I was a little cruel, but I knew that she wouldn’t hold it against me. At the end of both of our shifts, I found her in the break room.
   I grabbed my purse and turned to my friend, smiling at her, “Ok, Kara, I’ll go with you tonight.”
   She immediately turned to face me, squealing and grabbing my hands, “Yay! We’re gonna have so much fun!”
   Kara dragged me back to her apartment, saying that we could hang out there before it was time to go to the club. We spent the rest of the day relaxing and watching movies that we both loved. For the first time in weeks, I laughed so hard that my sides hurt. It felt good to just hang out and have a girls’ day, something that I hadn’t had in over a year.
   At about nine, Kara decided that it was time to get ready. She dragged me to her room, pushing me towards her bed as she went to her closet. I watched as she flitted through her clothes, trying to find something she deemed worthy for me to wear. 
   “Here, this is perfect,” she finally said, shoving some clothes in my arms and pushing me towards her bathroom.
   After stripping out of my work clothes, I slipped the outfit on and looked in the mirror. I smiled at what I saw, immediately deciding that I loved what I was wearing. The outfit consisted of a pair of high waisted shorts and a shirt. The shorts were a glittery gold with silver zippers on the pockets. They fit me perfectly, showing off my legs nicely. Kara had paired the shorts with a simple black, long-sleeved crop top. Looking in the mirror, I had to admit that I looked good.
   When I emerged from the bathroom, I found that Kara had slipped into a sexy red dress that looked amazing on her. She grinned when she saw me, holding out a pair of black thigh high heels for me to put on. I clumsily put them on as she slipped into a pair of black stilettos. Taking a look at myself in her full body mirror, I decided that my makeup needed to be more dramatic.
   Kara instantly agreed when I suggested it, leading me into her bathroom where she kept her makeup. She handed me some gold eyeshadow and black eyeliner, saying, “The more dramatic, the better.”
   As I applied my makeup and she curled her hair, we continued to talk and laugh. I found that it was super easy to be around Kara, and I was starting to believe that I could make it without J. He wasn’t the only person in the world who could lift my spirits.
   We were about to walk out the door, both all dressed up and ready to go, when Kara stopped me. She told me to wait at the front door as she scurried back to her room to get something. Shaking my head at her forgetfulness, I grabbed my purse off her couch and went to stand by the front door. She was grinning when she came back, hiding something behind her back.
   “This is for you, to complete your outfit,” she said, bringing her hand to the front and revealing a beautiful gold necklace.
   I smiled at her gratefully, taking it and fastening it around my neck. With that we were finally ready to leave, and we made our way downstairs and out of her building. Once on the street, Kara hailed a cab.  
   “So what’s the plan?” I asked as one pulled up in front of us.
   “We’re going to meet a few of my friends at The King,” she answered, opening the door and sliding into the cab.
   My mind immediately went to J, my King. I thought about how this outfit would have made him purr, and God I loved it when he purred. This is the kind of outfit that would’ve made him keep me close to his side, not wanting anyone to have the chance to get too handsy. It was definitely the kind of outfit that he wouldn’t let me leave the house alone in. 
   It didn’t take long to get to the club. The building was packed, a long line spilling out of the large black doors and around the corner. As Kara paid the cabbie, I took a chance to look up at the club. It wasn’t as nice as J’s, but it was definitely a nice place. ‘The King’ was lit up in large glittery-gold letters above the doors. The building looked new, and I had a feeling that the interior would be quite modern.
   I followed Kara to the door when she was done with the cabbie. The bouncer seemed to recognize her and immediately let us both in, much to the chagrin of the couple at the front of the line. Making a mental note to ask her about it later, I followed her through the club. The music was pounding, the bass pounding through me and helping me to relax. I was right about the interior being modern, but I was surprised to see how simplistic it was. With a name like ‘The King’, I had expected it to be overly lavish.
   Kara and I pushed our way through the crowd, making our way to the back of the club. We made it to a wall lined with leather booths and high topped tables. Kara stopped for a moment, seeming to be looking for someone, before heading towards a booth in the corner of the room. Sitting at the booth were two men and a woman.
    “Kara!” the woman squealed above the music, standing up and pulling my friend into a hug.
   “Amara,” Kara said when she pulled away, “I’d like you to meet Eva.”
   I smiled at the stunning platinum blonde, giving her a small wave.
   Amara smiled at me, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Eva. I’m Amara and this is my boyfriend, Nico.”
   She slid back into the booth, wrapping her arm around the man who had been sitting next to her. Her boyfriend, Nico, nodded at me, and I gave him a small wave. Nico was a massive block of pure muscle, dwarfing the petite woman who was nuzzled up against him. Despite his huge size, he was handsome with his black hair and brown eyes.
   “Hey Kara, aren’t you gonna introduce your friend to me?” a voice called, instantly pulling my attention towards the man sitting next to Nico. He smirked and winked at me, causing a light blush to bloom across my cheeks.
   Kara rolled her eyes, “Eva, this is Amara’s obnoxious brother, James.”
   James grinned at me, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Eva.”
   I gave him a small smile, “It’s nice to meet you too. It’s nice to meet all of you.”
   Seeing that we all seemed to be getting along, Kara smiled and slid into the booth next to Amara. This left me to slide in next to James, who seemed all to happy to have me next to him. We all talked for a while, laughing and getting along like we had known each other for years. I found myself enjoying all of their company, so when James asked me to dance, I agreed.
   Standing up from the booth, I allowed James to take my hand and lead me to the dance floor. It was extremely crowded, but we managed to find enough space on the edge for the two of us. My back pressed up against James’ front, I began to move my hips to the music. It took only moments for me to completely loose myself in the heavy bass. Forgetting all of my troubles, I felt a sense of euphoria wash over me as I swayed and grinded against James to the beat. Here, dancing at the club, it was easy to forget what had happened just a few weeks ago.
   After hours of alternating dancing with James and dancing with the girls, I decided that it was time for me to go home. Saying my goodbyes, I gave Kara a hug and promised Amara that we would hang out again. As I left the club, I noticed that the line outside had disappeared, everyone either getting inside or moving on to another club. It was easy enough to hail a cab, and I gratefully slid into the seat. I gave the driver my address and closed my eyes as he pulled out onto the street.
    It took about twenty minutes to get from The King back to my apartment. I had to fight to stay awake as we bumped along the road, my body absolutely exhausted. Grinning, I realized that tonight I would finally be able sleep without nightmares. 
   The cab pulled to a stop outside my apartment building, and I slowly got out. I paid the driver, then blindly made my way upstairs. Yawning as I approached my door, I dug around in my purse for my keys. I finally found them and pulled them out, slipping them into the door only to realize that it wasn’t locked. Frowning, my body immediately went on high alert. I never forgot to lock my door and this morning was not the exception.
   Pulling my gun out of my purse, I slowly pushed open my door. I cautiously entered my apartment, finding the lights already on. After finding nothing out of place in the living room and kitchen, I made my way down the short hallway to my bedroom. I kept the gun raised in front of me as I slowly walked to my room, listening carefully to see if I could hear anyone. 
   When I reached my bedroom door, I found that it was only partially open. I slowly pushed it open the rest of the way, but paused before entering. Taking a deep breath and steeling myself against whatever I might find, I swung into the doorway. Aiming my gun straight at the figure sitting on my bed, I almost screamed.
   The figure on my bed grinned, “Azrael, so nice of you to finally come home.”
103 notes · View notes
comeonthinkers · 3 years
Text
The Constant Struggle of Cuteness
I feel like, this morning, I need to talk about body image. Body image, and the constant barrage of conflicting messages around body image that I, as a midsize woman, receive and dissect every day.
First of all: midsize. Was this even a term five years ago? As “plus size” has become more ubiquitous and more accepted in the past decade, “fat” has been reclaimed, and “curvy” is suddenly more of a feeling than a descriptor, the terms I used to identify with as a teenager now, somehow, no longer apply to me anymore. I’m not sure what happened in the past decade; in high school I distinctly remember almost always being the largest woman in the room. Since then, whether it’s due to perception, self-confidence, age, awareness, or just... overall changes in the population, I now find myself distinctly in the middle. 
Note: I’ve been a size 12-16 my entire post-adolescent life. For one brief stint after college I could fit into a size 10. But before and since, 14 has been the mainstay numeral in my wardrobe. My steady friend and most accurate guesstimate across brands as to what my body may fit.
14, despite being the most (so I’m told) “common” size amongst women, was for many years infamous for being the most left-out, in-between size in clothing stores. In juniors’ stores (marketed toward teens: your Charlotte Russe’s and Forever 21′s), 14 would translate to the non-existent XXL: with “XL” usually falling in the “12″ range. In Plus Size or Women’s stores, 14 is a 0X; 1X is most commonly measured around a “16″ size.
About 5 years ago I found a fashion youtuber who made a video decrying the variation of a size 12 across different brands. And I’ll agree: sizes vary a lot from brand to brand, despite there being a base similarity in most big brand stores. She, like me, found herself living in this dreaded size 12-14 fashion purgatory, this no-womans-land of sizes. And even here! The numbers can’t be trusted!
She called herself “midsize”. She looked a lot like me. And at last, I had a label I could consistently search and see body types that I could identify with. From what I can tell, midsize is the chosen moniker for fashion influencers sizes 8-16, with of course, varying body shapes and compositions. For example, many of the folks I follow on instagram that claim “midsize” wear a VERY different bra size from me- so to find “fashion inspiration” I can actually act upon from midsize influencers, I also have to bring in a few accounts that allow for more top-heavy-friendly designs.
Despite all of the overwhelming positivity and diversity now available to me as a midsize woman (for example, almost all plus-size brands now start at a size 10-12 (00X-0X), and most “regular” retail brands now extend to a XXL), I can’t help but go back to my first observation: I’m no longer the largest woman in the room. While I don’t consider myself particularly unhealthy, I also know I’m not passing any presidential fitness tests any time soon. I find it difficult to run for extended periods of time. My joint strength isn’t nearly what it should be to support my weight. While muscular, I have a lot of extraneous body fat that adds strain to my daily life, and all my body’s systems: skeletal, endocrine, muscular, cardiovascular. This isn’t good. I’ve worked for years to try to find ways to get stronger, lose weight, and improve my overall health- in fact, the difficulty I faced when trying to lose weight was what led me to discover that I have PCOS and a few hormonal hurdles to maintaining a healthy body weight.
But when I try to research how best to approach health and weight loss with PCOS, the studies are few and far between- and when available are fairly inconclusive and far from thorough. I’m left to follow MORE accounts of personal success stories, all of which are biased toward one product or another, one lifestyle brand or book tour, all of which are antithetical to every other product, book, or brand I’ve seen before.
On the one hand, I’m grateful to see more body types represented in the media.  It IS helpful to my self-esteem to normalize the bodies of women both my size and larger than me (even if there’s still a prevalence of too-smooth skin and too-round belly buttons). But I also worry about how we tend to conflate feeling good about ourselves to being healthy. They aren’t the same. And we’re letting commercial forces tell us that it’s okay to be unhealthy even when attempting to BE healthy: mentally or physically.
Time to come clean here: for the past year, I’ve been experimenting on and off with a carnivore lifestyle, which, OBVIOUSLY, many people assume is super unhealthy, much like the stigma around Atkins in the early 2000′s. Honestly, it feels a lot like Atkins did back in the day: lots of bacon, burgers, steak, and eggs. Quite literally “zero-carb”, as opposed to just “low-carb”. While low-carb isn’t really new anymore, and many people can see carnivore as a logical step past the surprisingly universally accepted ketogenic diet, I was amazed to discover just how much the “science” of the trendier diets of the past decade (paleo, keto, whole-30) don’t match up to the scientific, accepted nutritional advice of the actual medical community.
Last year I started going to a weight-loss clinic at the behest of my OB-GYN in an attempt to get my PCOS and weight “under control”. I’m gonna spoil most of the rest of this rant by saying this was a pretty dumb idea for someone like me. This clinic was created around those with extreme weight issues, for whom psychological care and bariatric surgery are the most “effective” forms of treatment (again, according to the health care system that seems determined to sell it, but I’ll talk more about THAT another time). The nutritionist I met with gave me the same spiel I’d read time and time again from every weight-loss specialist book I’d bought, despite me relaying to her my decades-long struggle with traditional diets and fat-loss strategies. A ketogenic diet was never recommended to me, nor any kind of actual dietary changes to help with hormone balance/control: I was prescribed metformin (a drug for insulin resistance most commonly prescribed to type 2 diabetics) and told to eat a low-fat, high-fiber diet.
I didn’t lose any weight. My periods didn’t regulate. I just stopped gaining weight as fast... although I did eventually gain back the 12 pounds I’d lost from my first 2 months on carnivore. 
The truth is, that treatment plan, that clinic... it doesn’t exist for someone who is trying to change their body chemistry. It might work for folks that are so obese that literally ANY form of mindful eating will help them lose 200 pounds. But let’s be real: if I lost 200 pounds, I’d weigh 6 pounds. I’m a tall, muscular woman with some fat that has tried all the recommended diets for fat loss. Through them all, I fight cravings and energy loss, mood swings, and all the symptoms that come with PCOS. The ONLY thing I’ve found in the past 10 years that actually helps with my PCOS? 
Regular exercise, stress management, and a carnivore diet. 
I’ll also point out that when I DID lose a considerable amount of weight after college (due to what I think was a combination of 1. getting enough sleep for once, 2. intermittent fasting, and 3. regular hiking), it was also easier for me to maintain my weight and many of my PCOS symptoms went away. It wasn’t until I switched to a HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL method that I then gained back all of the weight I lost (and then some) and once again began fighting uncontrolled PCOS symptoms. They compounded on each other, and made it harder and harder to get back to any kind of “normal”. 
So, I’m back on carnivore. In addition to more stable energy, noticeable reduction of PCOS symptoms, and slight weight loss, I also just... hurt a lot less on carnivore. Along this journey I’ve finally realized that I do in fact have a chronic pain problem. Whether it’s due to chronic inflammation, past injuries, or food sensitivities, I’m not really sure: but I know when I eat carnivore, my chronic pain all but goes away. Recently, I’ve been recovering from a back injury, so there was of course some pain associated with that (as well as a break from regular exercise, which I plan to get back to once I’m cleared by my chiropractor), but the daily body aches, numbness, and discomfort?
Gone. 
I’ve got regular periods when I eat this way- like, ACTUALLY one a month like I’m supposed to have. My facial hair growth slows down, even thins out. My focus improves. I sleep better, and actually follow a normal circadian rhythm. What’s total bananas is that I’m not the only one who experiences this: MANY folks who’ve tried this way of eating report daily quality of life improvements.
I’m not going to say everyone should eat this way; I’m not even going to suggest that everyone with PCOS should eat this way. But I WOULD love to see some actual RESEARCH done on this way of eating- or even better research on a ketogenic diet! I’m so frustrated by the lack of medical research on nutrition, and in particular the lack of action to curb the universally-accepted-to-be-unhealthy nutrition standards in America. While I won’t say it’s hard to eat carnivore (cause like, all diets are hard), I have noticed over the years that NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY IS HEALTHY anymore- except for those whose JOB it is to be healthy. And this isn’t a coincidence!! Almost all cultures that have adopted American corporatized food structures are chronically unhealthy, and much, much more fat than they used to be.
I agree that being fat isn’t always a personal failing, and I’m so, SO glad that more and more figures in our media diets are representing the diverse catalogue of body shapes and sizes reflected in our world. I’m happy that my future daughter won’t be fat-shamed the same way I was as a little girl, and that she likely won’t be told (like I was) that she’s too fat to be what she wants to be when she grows up, despite not actually being all that fat. 
BUT. Fat representation is not the hill I want to literally die on. I’m not willing to throw my health, my comfort, my ability to be active, away for my “right” to eat ice cream every day. I’m sick of being marketed to constantly as a garbage disposal. I’m not just here to eat and diet and wear clothes.
I’m here to LIVE. I’m here to plant gardens and make art and take walks and enjoy the seasons. And I can’t do a lot of those things if I’m constantly sick and in pain. And it’s way harder to enjoy not being sick and not being in pain when all we know to do as a society when spending time together is... eat food. 
What frustrates me is, I think so much of this really comes down to marketing, corporate profit-mongering, and the way our political system is set up to make laws for companies instead of people. I think capitalism is making us fat and unhealthy, to sell us sugar and diets and medicine and surgeries in an endless cycle of crap. I don’t really have much more to say on that, I don’t have sources, except like... well, look around you. Look at the system we have. Look at what we’re told to do to escape it. And look at how many forces are there to take us right back to the beginning of the roller coaster when we have a little success. 
Side note/conspiracy theory time: I actually think liposuction might be a more safe and effective (literally EFFECTIVE not just safe) form of “weight loss surgery” in helping folks with actual, permanent weight loss. Hear me out: while I will fully admit I can’t remember where I read any of this (as I’ve read so many scores of information regarding health and weight loss over my lifetime), I seem to remember body fat working something like this: it’s really easy for your body to make new fat cells, but very difficult for your body to destroy them. So, when you gain fat, it first occurs by your body filling your fat cells with fat, until they can’t hold anymore, and then your body makes new fat cells, which makes it easier for your body to hold onto said fat. The best way to “reset” your body’s fat threshold is to literally destroy or remove the fat cells. And, I assume, if you adopt more healthy habits AFTER having liposuction, your body would be less likely to create more fat cells than it was when you lived an unhealthy lifestyle.
Bariatric surgery is incredibly invasive and dangerous, and almost always ends up reversed by bad habits and your body’s natural ability to STORE FAT AND STRETCH YOUR STOMACH. It’s a temporary solution, and often proves to be ineffective in the long term, and leads to many unfortunate complications over time, not to mention the recovery from that surgery is LONG and TOUGH.
But liposuction (the most COMMON FORM OF PLASTIC SURGERY, I’ll add), is the only “weight loss” procedure (despite not being labeled as such- it’s “cosmetic surgery” even though it most definitely WOULD result in weight loss, right?) that actually removes fat from your body. Literally takes the fat cells away so your body can’t fill them up again, without once again needing to create more.
But bariatric surgery is covered by insurance, and liposuction isn’t... despite the fact that removing weight and fat from the body would be a more instant and potentially effective cure for obesity and its underlying symptoms, and being a simpler procedure overall, as well as extremely common. 
So like... why is being fat something poor people are forced to endure dangerous surgery and super long recoveries and lifetime habit changes to overcome, but rich people just get to have their fat vacuumed away? Sounds sus to me. 
5 notes · View notes
spitandfroth · 3 years
Text
My Psychedelic Journey
Why take mushrooms? 
What do they do to you? 
I want to explain why I take them, my reasoning is not for everyone if anyone else at all! We all have our reasons. 
So, Since being 16 i have taken drugs, started on pills, then coke and onwards. I had a coke & speed addiction for a 2-3 year period and often relapsing. I had consciously not taken psychedelics as i have known I've been mentally ill since being 20 and being diagnosed and given Prozac at that age. I was wary that i would have bad trips or i would be stuck on a trip. I just felt the risks were too high, especially taking medication and all the other drugs. Pretty sure i took LSD one night at a party was these green things and i was off my nut, i was in a different reality and i was quite honestly scared. i went skinny dipping in November at Great Yarmouth beach! So yeah it was a weird thing to happen and to this day can't remember what these pills/little plastic-looking things were or what i did with them, literally can't remember if it was paper or a pill. they were just in a bowl with all the other drugs. 
I digress, several years later, I’d been clean maybe 1-2 years of all substances including weed, well maybe the odd joint but we moved somewhere we couldn't find a supplier! So we would have to make a 2-hour drive down to manchester just to pick up but eventually decided it wasn't worth the money in fuel. We were also skint which didn't help matters. We eventually found a supplier of weed and met new people who like us, liked drugs. We started sessioning on anything and everything. Mainly research chemicals as they were cheap and plentiful. m-kat hadn’t be criminalised at that point so we were importing large amounts of it. My friend, Xander decided to start making his own drugs. We were all sceptical about it but we trusted him. He made LSE(?) which is pretty much LSD but i think weaker, that trip was a nightmare as i spoke to my boyfriend just before the trip and i hadn't hung up and he heard me slagging him off...Anyway, moving on lol He made DMT one day, took ages. We had enough for the 3 of us who wanted to do it and my god, it's a short trip but it changed my way of thinking forever. I may revisit the DMT experience later. We did DMT a fair few times before i abruptly moved out as i ended the relationship with my boyfriend. 
Now i did some research online, it wasn't as fruitful in results as it is today, we are talking 10 or so years ago. So came across mushrooms and some scant info on where to find them and how to take them. I went for a walk with the dogs, we lived in the middle of nowhere, 1500 ft above sea level (lived on top of hartside) and by a river and lots of sheep. Anyway, i started looking in sheep fields and soon realised that the fields were full of them! I would collect enough for a few doses at a time and dry as much as possible. I was taking shrooms 3-4 times a week including at times DMT. 
So we’ve got to where i am taking them, i best explain why and what the effects were. 
To be honest i took it as an escape. My relationship was a nightmare, he made me feel like death was my only escape. I had spoken to friends who had used psychedelics and they thought it might help me feel better. I had started being in pain a lot too at that point but not medicated for it. I was still taking meds but when planning i stopped taking them the day before. As Psilocybin is affected by SNRI’s. That applies to most drugs though tbh. it gives you a very high tolerance, you have to take more to feel it. Which could result in serotonin syndrome. 
I wanted to search deeper inside myself, i had been interested in Buddhism and Krishna consciousness for maybe a year at that point and i saw it as a way of speaking to god. to confirm to myself that he existed. What i got was a revelation. 
So using it so regularly means i can't remember each trip but i can give you what i learned and saw from those experiences. 
I would take maybe 10g (its rough but 6 cup teapot with a handful of shrooms in) of fresh shrooms in tea. Tasted rank but get it down you! Then wait, and it is a waiting game!  
I would sit cross-legged, often by the log burner, just close my eyes, listen to music and i would feel calm. A completely blissed feeling. An inner peace. I could see patterns and colours, swirling great vortex’s of colours and light. If i opened my eyes the patterns and colours overlayed the room and i would just forget i was in the room. I would see parts of my past, like showing me it wasn't my fault, that i should let go of trauma. I saw my present and it was like looking at my brain, black, covered in clouds and dying. If i touched it then there was a flash of colour. I saw the energy of the universe in front of me, glowing and pulsating in front of me, my heart beating with it, a feeling of supreme power came over me like i had been recharged. I was seeing my future, i saw the love i am capable of giving and receiving. It showed that my empathy wasn't a weakness and showed i was a good soul, It made me think deeply on experiences and learning from them, it cleansed me, it rewrote who i was. All hate drained from me. At peace with myself and others. The visuals were amazing, you can't describe it, you cant show the colours on a palette, you cant imagine the scale of this place. It truly was an amazing thing to do with my life for a year. 
So it showed me a different me and overtime i morphed into that person. Today i am still hugely empathetic towards people. I have a kind and calm nature. I don't hold onto hate & i respect myself more. 
However, i have decided i need to revisit the energy, i need its healing and recharging. I want to journey further and this time i get to do it with someone i love, my sister. She’s used drugs infrequently for a few years but like me, she has mental problems and wants to try shrooms more holistically than just ‘getting high’ and she thinks i can do that with her. I will be there to look after her, to experience everything with her. I want her to get to where i did and she sees life differently. That she grows as a person. It will be a very special journey that i get to be a part of.
So we reach the end of my epic. I hope you read it and enjoyed it. Maybe learn something, understand it better, i don’t know but most of all it's out there. Sharing experiences are a solid way of learning and getting to know someone. 
Enjoy your mushrooms, be safe & enjoy your trip <3 
youtube
23 notes · View notes
tar-oh · 4 years
Text
Pick-a-Pile: What will the end of 2020 look like for you?
A lovely anon requested me to do a pick-a-pile on your life at the end of 2020, and so here we are! And, honestly you guys are getting spoiled because I used my Lovely Omens deck which was really intended to be only used for my own readings on myself, but I made the exception today because I connect with it really well and thought it would be fun to see what it would say.
For the piles I pulled out some of my collection of Argento movies for the piles. Choose whichever movie speaks to you! If you’re into Argento and you’ve seen them, then cool! Let’s be friends. Outside of that, that’s fine! Let’s still be friends! Anyway, choose whichever pile calls to you. Remember, take what resonates. This is not the end-all-be-all, and this may not be what really happens because it’s what the current energy is leading to. Your energy can change tomorrow and so can your future, so, don’t take it to heart. This is more of a fun, what-if. And if you get to December 31st and you’re finding that this is did happen for you, let me know! So, anyway. Take what resonates, not what doesn’t! Also, you’re welcome to pick more than one pile, so if you want to, you can! OKAY! Here are the piles:
Tumblr media
Pile 1:
Tumblr media
Cards:  letter, book, fish, queen of pentacles, temperance, the moon, 10 of wands reversed, 3 of cups, judgement, uruz, othala, wunjo, kenaz
Pile 1, I think by the end of the year, things are going to be going better for you. I'm not sure where you are currently (like if these things have happened already, or will be soon), but I see that you'll be feeling more secure overall. There are a few specific things that I think may only apply to a few people, so I'll get those out of the way. Also, if you were going between pile 1 and 2, maybe read pile 2 as well. There's a lot about finding creativity in this pile, and you chose the movie Suspiria, which is technically a horror movie, but the base of the plot is that a girl is attending a foreign dance school. I think some of you may be dancers, or are discovering your passion for dance. I also kind of get this from the 3 of cups, since they look like they're having fun. They don't look like they're celebrating as much as other versions of that card, and they don't look like their moving very fast, so maybe you're into interpretive dance, or something? Maybe singing, so maybe you sing, but I’m getting more dance. Like, maybe you like to move slow, but deliberately. There is actually a remake of Suspirira that has interpretive dance rather than ballet like in the original. Either way, I see that you could be a dancer. And if not a dancer, I think you could just be really creative, but specifically something with music or dance. And again, especially because you chose this movie. One of the things that stands out with this movie is the score by Gobiln. They're kind of known for doing weird out-there scores (I’ll link a video of a song from this movie so you can see what I mean lol), but it's very specific to this movie, so I definitely am leaning more towards music and dance. Maybe you don't do it publicly, it's just something you do in your own time that really makes you feel good about yourself. A few of the cards can talk about creativity, so maybe you're just finding the perfect balance of how to express yourself. I think you're focusing more on this creativity at the end of the year.
For others, another specific thing I'm getting is that maybe you're graduating from or even starting business school. For others, you could be training for something specific for work. Or just training for something in general. Learning something. And others maybe its law school, or economics major. For everyone, though I see you learning something. Whether it be educational or just something random. For some, you may be learning about a secret through a letter or a book, and this could be about money or work. The Moon card really adds to this, so I think you'll be ending the year a little more enlightened about something. The movie also kind of goes with this! It's kind of a mystery and the main character Susie is trying to figure out what's going on in her school, and so maybe you'll solve a mystery! lol Maybe nothing so exciting, but I suppose that's also depends on the context. I do definitely take the moon to mean that this is something you're not supposed to know. At least NOT YET. Like, the moon always comes up for me like that in tarot when it’s something I’m not really supposed to know yet, so I think it's just something you're not supposed to worry about and be more present and when the time comes around, enjoy the whole mystery of it all. I definitely think you've gone through some sort of rebirth this year. I don't know if this is happening at the end of the year, or if you've gone through it already, but by the end of the year you're going to be different in some way. It could just be how you express yourself (going back to that creativity), or even who you're around. I feel like you're finding out who is good for you and who isn't, so its possible your friend group will be different by end of the year. And that's not a bad thing! As people, we all grow and sometimes we grow out of people. I think there could also be new people coming around too (maybe even meeting people online, which what the letter kind of hints to me and the song I was listening to mentioned a letter so I definitely am going with that lol). I think you're going through a lot of healing this year, and maybe more so near the end. And this goes with that rebirth. I don't know what's happened in the past to need this healing (but I suppose we all have our wounds), but I think you're learning more about who you are and what you like. I think you're doing amazing job-wise. You got a few runes that suggest prosperity, and I also see Queen of Pentacles and Temperance attributing to this too. The Queen of Pentacles is someone who is prosperous and abundant, but is also motherly (and I just am getting at this as a quality rather than you being an actual mother, so even if you’re not a mom, I just mean like having that kind of vibe to you). So it's like this good balance between knowing how to get shit done, but also doing it in a compassionate way. The Ten of Wands reversed can talk about letting go of burdens and simplification. So I think by the end of the year, you've weeded out what doesn't work for you. I think, especially after the year the whole world has had, you are learning what matters to you and you're living your life to it's full potential by the time we're leaving this shitty year behind. I think you're doing better in terms of finances, I'm not seeing that you're like super rich, but again, you got a lot of stuff that suggests prosperity. And this might not even mean just materially. This could just be that you're just feeling so much better about life and yourself. Maybe you're abundant with love, finding new love, expanding on existing love, whatever that means for you. I always take Judgement to mean karma, but I see this as good karma for you. And, while I was writing your pile out, Marina's Karma came on, so I definitely think the way you're ending your year is how it's supposed to go. Maybe the way to get there has changed drastically with the way things have gone, but either way, there were multiple paths there, so I think either way you were going to get there. So, your end of the year is looking good! I don't really see anything that concerns me, honestly. I think you're on the right path and you're going to be feeling good about yourself. I'm really proud of you! 
Songs: (a lot of the songs were super specific, so I’m only posting a few of the ones that seem to stand out more)
The theme from Suspiria in case you’re interested (there’s a version with just the bells I listen to because this ones kind of creepy but it also makes me laugh)
these days - nico  (this definitely goes with figuring out what you want to do, I think) watergun - lostboycrow (gonna be honest there’s like 5 artists and one of them lists himself like twice lmao so idk who the actual artist is. i feel that way about anything olivver the kid is involved with)
karma - marina
Pile 2:
Tumblr media
Cards:  10 of pentacles, 5 of pentacles, the hermit, king of cups reversed, knight of wands reversed, 5 of wands, the fool reversed, jera, isa, raidho, the lady, the rider, scythe I'm seeing three possible scenarios, 2 are similar, but one is permanent as opposed to the other which is only temporary. So, first, I want to talk about the movie you chose. Inferno is part of a series by Dario Argento, but honestly the only two of the series at that matter are Inferno and Suspiria (the one from pile 1, so if you were going between the two, I think this means you should read that one too). I can't really give you too much about the plots of either because they're both really hard to explain without giving the whole thing away. However, I can say this: It's about an apartment building where people start to disappear from and the only thing that connects them is that they're starting to figure some things out about the history of the place. I can't get more into it, especially because Inferno is kind of an infuriating movie in that it has no main character and you spend most of it going "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON" which kind of leads me to your pile. I really think prior to what happens later this year or currently/ what already happened, you were in this weird state where you weren't sure where things were going. I think there was a lot of stagnation in your life, and it could also be in multiple areas (love, work, anything really). I think this lead to frustration and apathy on your part. I think there will be/ was something cut off. For some, it’s permanent. For others, it was only temporary. And, this makes sense because if this already happened for you, it could have had to do with quarantine. Maybe you lost your job or you did temporarily. I think prior to this, you were frustrated and feeling like this was it and you were kind of upset that it was all there was, but maybe this loss/end led to you realizing there was more to see/do in life. I think this is true for someone, because a cover that the Lummineers did of This Must be The Place by Talking Heads came on, and it's kind of like realizing that where you are is where you're supposed to be. I know, you're probably like "But that's the opposite of what you just said"! HANG ON! I'm getting that you're realizing it's not your "home" and "home is where I want to be..." and whatever this situation is, it's not feeling like home to you. Or, at least wasn't prior to the end/separation. For some, this was a person that was cut off. Either you were the one doing the cutting or someone else did (or maybe it was someone at a job or at school that you lost contact with because of closures). Either way, you realized just how frustrating this situation was and kind of went into Hermit mode for a bit (or will) to reflect on what transpired. Gonna be honest, because you chose Inferno, I'm thinking there's a lot of anger too. Like, there aren’t necessarily any super angry characters in this movie, but the name itself makes me think of rage. I always think of rage as being this really red hot thing, a kind of inferno. So, I see anger being involved. Or, for some of you at least. I think there was a lot of clashing/competition. Maybe arguments that ended in tears on someone’s end. Whatever it was, it was/will be cut off somehow and you'll be feeling more at peace. I think you're also going to be finding that you're definitely more stable and making more progress in areas of your life you hadn't seen progress in previously. In one of the decks I'm using, the Lovely Omens deck, the Hermit card makes the hermit look like she came to some kind of a conclusion, like an “a-ha!” moment with how she has her finger pointing up. And the hermit is someone who’s looking for answers. In the Rider-Waite deck it’s this guy who’s got a lantern, looking like he’s searching for something, but in this deck it’s like we’re seeing the moment she figured whatever it was out. I didn't intentionally lay it out the way it is in the picture, but it happened to be that she's above the Fool reversed, and I guess I see this as her maybe seeing that she can make that leap, whereas before she was hesitant and frustrated that things were at such a standstill. Maybe it was that this person or situation wasn't giving her any time to really do anything else outside of it, so maybe this time alone is making her feel like she can do anything. Now, you did get the 5 of pentacles, so I do think there was/is a period where you're feeling a little worried or anxious about finances, or just about anything really. But, I definitely see the 10 of Pentacles and the Hermit more than the five of pentacles card, and I'm seeing it as you figuring out that you can make a way to be stable on your own, not really needing anyone or that situation you'd been in. You could also read this as the 5 of Pentacles being someone else feeling a little left out, but I think it's for the best for the time being during this period of your life. I see that for some, this is a permanent cut. So maybe you just don't return to this specific job, and for other's again, it's only temporary. I do see that for some, this could be a relationship (Platonic or romantic), where you feel a little left out. Like you're not getting what you give, and this is causing you to be frustrated and moody. There may be harsh words being thrown around. But, again, this is getting cut off (by you, someone else, or just by the universe), and things are going to go better. Like, the ten of pentacles is a really good card to get, so I don’t see you being so bad off. Maybe this will be painful depending on who/what it is being cut off, but know that it’s going to lead to better things. So, things may have been rocky this year, or they will get rocky, but I see you ending it on a better note than where you were before the end of the year. Songs:
For pile one, I listed the song These Days by Nico and even though it played for that pile, I really think some of you could resonate with it, so I think you should look at the lyrics or listen to it. Also, a lot of the songs had to do with communication, so Idk. Maybe think about how you’re communicating with people, or how you’re allowing people to communicate with you (if at all, or if they’re just doing it in a shitty way. Have boundaries and speak up if you don’t think people are being honest with you, but also remember to treat people how you want to be treated) also, ngl i wasn’t going to link the theme to inferno but like honestly its so weird I have to. It’s not scored by Goblin like the other two movies but I get this song stuck in my head more lol So HERE it is idk maybe someone will like it too lmao
oceans - the wombats (there’s a line about selling an ocean to the sea and I really feel like this is kind of you and this situation you cut off, like maybe it was a situation you’ve been in time and time again and you’re finally cutting it off after seeing that it’s the same thing you’ve dealt with and the only way to stop it is to cut it off this time. like idk it’s hard for me to explain but i feel like this specific part of the song is something you should check out) movement - the higher  this is me trying - taylor swift lambs wool - foster the people love me to death - GARDEN
this must be the place (naive melody) - Talking Heads cover by The Lumineers (they also talk about that same line I mention in the beginning of this and I think thats kind of funny that it stands out to them too lol) Pile 3:
Tumblr media
Cards:  Seven of Wands, 8 of Pentacles, Page of Cups, 8 of Cups, Knight of Wands, five of wands reversed, Ship, moon, sun, hagalaz, perthro, eihwaz
PILE 3 I THINK SOME OF YOU ARE GOING TO GET ASKED OUT. I have a bunch of reasons for this! First of, I pulled the Page of Cups and the Knight of Wands. Along with the moon and sun cards in my fortune cards (which don't necessarily mean love, but I'll get to it!).  Also, the first two songs that played, were First Date by Blink-182 and The Pull of You by the National. Granted, The Pull of You is little sad (kind of about two people drifting apart, but still being connected) and First Date being about...well a First Date, but to me those definitely are screaming romantic feelings lol. But, we'll get to that later! You guys just kept getting all the love songs that mean something to me so!!! That's something!!! Like, I mostly just felt super mushy while doing this pile and I kind of take this to mean something. Firstly, I've been talking a little bit about the movies that each pile was represented by. Deep Red is actually one of my favorite movies (did I choose this pile before I pulled the cards? MAYBE. Do I think it's gonna happen for me specifically!? I don't know! But it might for you! Take what resonates!). It's a murder mystery and scored by Goblin (who I got to see play the score live during a showing of the movie last year for my birthday so!!!!). Basically, it's about an American pianist living in Italy who witnesses the murder of a neighbor and so he teams up with a journalist to solve the murder. They make a good team, and I think this is kind of playing into what I want to get at later, but first the big part of this: I think someone has noticed you. I think they're really attracted to you. Yes, I think it's physical, but I also think they're intrigued by you, especially because I think maybe you have some walls up and they can't really get to know you (I see the moon card in my fortune deck as kind of saying this, but it also can mean attention and praise, so I see this too!). I think they're seeing you as someone who has strength and has endured the trials of life. So, with this recognition, I think they're going to rush in and tell you how they're feeling and maybe ask you out. I think it's going to be really random and I also think it's going to end up being a compromise lol. I think you're going to be playing hard to get (but maybe it's not intentional, I know I'm kind of hard to really get to know, so I see how this could happen with someone). So, I see them working hard to get you to budge, but I think eventually you're kind of like "Okay, fine, but I choose what we do and when." Whatever it is, I see that it's going to go well I think you'll both be pretty happy. There may be a period after where you withdraw a bit (or they do) and think about it, but I think you feel a pull to them (which I think is why the Pull of You came on). The 8 of cups can talk about withdrawing, but it can also talk about loosing interest, however I don't see either of you loosing interest, at least not with everything else I pulled. This 8 of cups in this deck is really specific to me. In the Rider-Waite, he's walking away from the cups, but in this one he's just sitting and looking at the moon. And maybe this isn't you, maybe this is this person studying you before they ask you out? I mean, I think it's interesting I pulled one moon card and this one and the moon is so prominent to me in this card. Honestly, I think it's both! I think this person is REALLY into you. I mean, the majority of the songs that played were like really...They were about people liking people from afar, and also Panic Switch came on by Silversun PIckups and like I don't think it NECESSARILY applies to this, but I see maybe this being kind of a weird situation for you because maybe you're not used to the attention, so they like give you this attention and praise and admit that they like you and you kind of freeze up and your walls go up. So, like you panic? But, honestly, I think maybe you like them too. Like, Despite the seven and 5 of wands showing up, I'm  seeing good in this. (I like it by the Maria's came on, so I really think you like them back lol) The runes add to it too, because Perthro means hidden secrets (and I take the moon to mean that too!), but I see the Knight of Wands holding up his wand, so it's like they're offering this truth to you. It can also mean change, and I see that this will change things. And Eihwaz can mean stability, so maybe this is something that at first is scary and uncertain when it first presents itself, but then it even outs (like with those negotiations where you compromise) and it stabilizes and you're just feeling glad with how it worked out. HONESTLY, I'm just feeling super good about this? So I think this is going to make you feel good too! And for those of you that didn't want a love reading, it could just be a new friend maybe, like someone that admires you and maybe you two have a good dynamic (like one where you could solve mysteries lol). I also think that both of you are creative, but in different ways. Like one could write and the other could be more into making music or playing instruments. I mean, it could be anything and maybe you're into the same things, but I'm getting that just from the dynamic between the two main characters in Deep Red, and I definitely get a creative vibe from this. And like, maybe it's a business offer. Like, you're asked to work on a project with someone. I think this could end up well. Any of these situations I think is going to go good, so I'm really happy for you!
Songs:
Deep Red Theme (since I posted the other themes. I listen to this one a lot actually, the bass is SO GOOD) first date - blink-182 (i promise i listen to other blink songs but this one just always seems to come up for these?!) the pull of you - the national  howling at the moon - phantogram  panic switch - silversun pickups (okay are you guys fans of good bass or something? bc i’m seeing a theme outside of my own preference)
groceries - mallrat i like it - the marías (you guys let me let this sit for weeks without me putting the link to this song? lol guyyss tell me things!) invisible string - taylor swift (i think its crazy this one played in the same pile the pull of you played bc I relate them together for many reasons? so like !!!! that’s tarot for you!!!!)
purest form - prince of eden
LET ME KNOW IF IT RESONATES AND ALSO MAYBE COME BACK IN JANUARY TO SEE IF IT PLAYED OUT THE WAY THE CARDS TOLD ME!
11 notes · View notes
candlelitlibrary · 4 years
Text
Pinned
@ryukoto Week
Day 2: Athletics
‘Are you sure about this,’ Makoto thinks to herself, would be a rather silly question to ask now. From the way Ryuji was already hurrying to the opposite end of the room, passing over the large foam mat at its center, to deposit his gym bag on a bench it was rather clear he was certain about what he was doing.
He’d been badgering her for weeks now, what began simply as questions about where she ‘learned to throw down like that,’ (as he put it) eventually turned to questions about which martial arts she had learned, which in turn morphed to questions about Aikido, which lead to questions about how he could learn Aikido which led, at last, to the inevitable question: ‘Can you teach me some killer moves?’
She would be lying if she didn’t admit a part of her felt flattered at how much interest he showed in a skill she was normally hesitant to share with others. She would, however, of course never let him know how flattered she was. That would just make his head even bigger than it already was, something which wouldn’t be good for either of them.
So here they were, early on a weekend morning, at a gym he’d picked (in truth Makoto had been keeping in shape in her own home for the past year and didn’t really know any gyms herself…but she was definitely not going to run the risk of Sae coming home to discover her sparring with a random boy who dyed his hair blonde) both in comfortable, practical, exercise outfits. Perhaps she was just misinterpreting her own feelings, but could it be that she was…actually excited for this? It had been a while, ages, since she’d ever actually gotten to spar with anyone and Ryuji made not the worst partner for this kind of thing.
“Don’t forget to do warm-ups first, even if we’re going to take it easy today, we still have to do it properly, I don’t want any-”
“Already busy Makoto, heh, this isn’t my first workout, ya know?” He was already stretching when she unslung her own tog bag from her shoulder, placing it next to his, and storing her phone and wallet in it before joining him on the mat with her own stretches.
“Of course, my apologies-”
“You don’t gotta apologize,” was something he said to her so often that by now the two didn’t even really let it interrupt the flow of their conversation.
“-did you used to work out here when you were still on the team?” She pulled an arm in front of herself, stretching it out, and hooking her other arm around it at the elbow, helping to push it out farther
“Nah, actually never used a gym back then, me and the guys just kept in shape on the field, no gym or anything,” Ryuji stretched both his arms up high above his head, causing his white top to lift enough for Makoto to catch a glimpse of his stomach. Ryuji had never been terribly out of shape, albeit at the beginning of the year he’d been more lanky than fit, but the benefits of his recent return to form and, she assumed, his time in the Metaverse had certainly done him favours. She felt only a smidge embarrassed when his words caused her to realize she’d been staring perhaps overly long.
“Me and Ren actually found it, we were looking for a place to work out cause…ugh, long story, not gonna bore you with it now, just, point is, me ‘an Ren found it, so now I come here pretty often,” if Ryuji thought she hadn’t noticed his own eyes lingering on her he was sorely mistaken. To his credit he was clearly making an effort not to ogle, but when she stretched one leg out far, she could definitely catch him stealing glances. Just this one, since she’d stared a bit herself, she supposed she’d let him off without a warning. This once.
“I see,” Makoto lifted one foot up behind her knee, feeling the strain on her quadriceps as she continued to speak; “I have been looking to get back into a exercise routine myself actually, do you think I could-”
“Heck yeah! I mean…uh, that would be, ah-hem, that would be good- fine…it’d be fine,” it was cute how he tried to contain his excited outburst, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. It was a very ‘Ryuji’ thing to do, it reminded her of the excited boy who’d stumbled his way through asking her to try out a new move with him, twisting his tongue into knots over the whole affair. It was, honestly, rather…cute.
Cute? Was that really a word she could use to describe Ryuji?
“Did ya think of somethin’ funny?”
“Hmm?” She was pulled out of reminiscing, by a puzzled look on Ryuji’s face.
“You’re smiling pretty big all of a sudden,” she was? Makoto hadn’t really noticed the corners of her lips curving upwards into a grin.
“Oh? No, I was just-”
“Excited, right? You wanna get started already, right? Man I get that, I’m super stoked as well! Like…Aikido, that stuff’s badass, once I mastered it I’m gonna be all over those Shadows’ asses…I mean, more than I am already, ya know?” Makoto didn’t really know but it was flattering anyway, obtuse, but flattering.
“Let’s get too it then,” she turned to face him, moving to the center of the mat and he followed her lead, an infectiously wide grin on his face, practically beaming, reminding her of nothing so much as a puppy excitedly awaiting to be told it’d been a ‘good boy’.
Where were these thoughts coming from? Cute? Puppy?
“We’ll start with basics, obviously, before we can move on to anything complex, we need to establish your fundamentals. In Aikido controlled relaxation is pivotal, we can begin with some ukemi and then-” and she was losing him. She could already see it from how the grin drooped towards the edges and the way those eyes, normally practically sparking with vibrant energy, glazed over.  It was, of course, a look she’d seen many times from him, it was the look he wore whenever she began explaining some or other component of his school work he was neglecting.
“C’mon Makoto! Controlled relaxation? We just did warm-ups!” Ryuji seemed less than eager to start slowly. She supposed she should have seen it coming, since when had he ever been one to take things slow?
“You know I’m good for a fight, you’ve seen me in action! I think we can skip these baby steps and go full out! I wanna see what you got, in action! First hand! Experience is the best teacher, ya know?”
Makoto placed both hands on her hips and gave Ryuji a ‘look’. To his credit he only blanched under it this time, rather than the full-on wilt it normally reduced him too. With a crooked smile and a pleading voice he tried once more:
“Please Makoto-sensei?” How was she going to say no to that?
“Fine, fine, we’ll do it your way,” she relented with a sigh and a chuckle, shaking her head as Ryuji loudly whooped, bouncing on his feet, a dynamo of energy.
“But no more ‘sensei’, okay?”
“Got it, Makoto-sama!”
If looks could kill Ryuji would be dead, and he seemed to get the point, gulping audibly and holding his hands up in front of himself contritely.
“S-sorry! Makoto, j-just Makoto, my bad!” Was it bad that a part of her loved how easy she could make him squirm? Probably, but he was being a brat right now so she’d forego the feelings of guilt. Besides, she’d be proving her point shortly now.
“Alright then, you want me to just come at you? That it?” He nodded, crouching a bit, lower, his weight distributed evenly between his feet.
“Bring it! I wanna see what ya got!”
And so, he would.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pinned. Ryuji gave a grunt as he felt Makoto twist slightly on his arm. He was face down against the mat, Makoto kneeling above him, and out of the corner of his eye he could just make out the satisfied smirk on his face.
Try as she might to always act professional, even she couldn’t hide she was enjoying this. It made him feel…something warm.
“So? Was it as impressive as you hoped?” She still hadn’t released the pressure of her grip, and Ryuji couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if he’s said ‘no’? As it were, he was impressed, so there really was no reason to lie.
“Damn! That was fast Makoto! Holy crap!” Other boys might have felt upset at being so easily pinned by a girl, luckily Makoto knew Ryuji well enough by now that the boy meant every bit of his gushing over her. It could honestly at times be too much…but what was wrong with a little indulgence every now and then?
“Heh, well, to be honest it was mostly your balance that did you in there, and this is a fairly easy technique to teach, of course to learn it you’d have to go slower, master it in parts, mister ‘let’s just spar and hope I pick things up by osmosis,’” she released her grip on him, allowing both of them to stand up again.
Makoto’s eyes briefly wondered down to Ryuji’s leg, ‘that leg’. She’d made sure not to touch it or apply pressure to it during their bout. She knew he’d probably not appreciate that if she told him, would consider it her going ‘easy on him’ or nonsense like that, but she couldn’t help but be preoccupied with it. That last thing she’d want is to hurt him.
“What’s osmosis?” He cocked his head to one side, a quizzical look on his face, once more leaving Makoto with the distinct impression of some guileless, affectionate dog and- would those thoughts just please stop already? She didn’t need to keep comparing him to some adorable puppy or dog (Shiba-Inu, clearly).
“We’ll cover that when we prep for your biology exam,” she gave a small laugh as he groaned, the idea of studying failing to excite him the way their current activity was.
“Ugh, forget that crap, let’s go again! I wanna try something,” Makoto rolled her eyes. She’d hoped to humour him once, so that he’d understand just having someone practised in Aikido performing it on you repeatedly wasn’t teaching, but apparently Ryuji’s skull was slightly to thick to intake that from one defeat (shocking).
“Seriously?”
“Seriously,” well, if it was what he wanted…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, she pinned him again. And again. And again. And…well, again. He definitely did improve, slightly, but that still didn’t change the inevitable outcome every time.
This time he’d managed to almost twist out of her grip on his arm, but it hadn’t been quick enough to stop her unbalancing him, sending him down to the mat, on his back this time, as she straddled him across his chest, pinning his arms to either side of his head.
“Gotcha, again,” she had a catlike expression of superiority. By now both of them were glistening with perspiration, clothing clinging to their bodies as they breathed heavily from exertion. Beneath her Ryuji was wide-eyed, almost a deer-caught-in-the-headlights sort of expression, staring up at her intently, his mouth open as he sucked air through it.
He’d been growing progressively quieter and quieter with each new pin. She’d almost feared he was maybe growing sullen, or pouting, at the constant losses but…that didn’t really seem like something he would do. He’d still kept up his gushing praise and enthusiasm for it all, so she’d just assumed he was getting deep into his thoughts, it was honestly somewhat attractive…although she tried to bury that deep down.
This time, though, he seemed to be struggling a bit for words and, so, Makoto spoke first.
“You know, if I didn’t now any better, I’d think you liked getting pinned under be with how much you keep asking for it,” she hated herself for saying it at once. It was crass and playful and it made her cheeks burn red.
What had she been thinking (she hadn’t been)? It’d slipped out in the heat of the moment, as people said, but Makoto hated the heat of the moment! She wasn’t a heat of the moment kind of gal (not true at all).
Before she could even try to say something to excuse it, though, Ryuji blurted out his own answer.
“Y-yeah…”
There was a silence in the room. The sort of silence where two people both realize they’d said more than they’d intended too, and now had to process a fundamental shift in how they perceived each other. Makoto remained on top of him throughout.
“Ryuji-”
“Oh shit! Dammit! F-forget it! What the hell? Ughhh! I’m so effin’ dumb! I w-was just joking Makoto! It was just a joke! A stupid joke! Real stupid! Hehehe! Ya’ get that right? I mean I’m always tellin’ dumb jokes, right? S-so just ignore it! Please!” Makoto was suddenly reminded once more of that exchange at the subway station, of how quick he’d been to disparage his own idea, to assume she must hate it. At the time it had strangely…hurt.
Did he really think she resented his opinion that much? So, he admitted to enjoying her being on top of him, it wasn’t that insulting was it? It was weird, sure, and it…it suddenly made her intensely aware of how her thighs wrapped rather nicely around his chest, but…it was just an innocent outburst, she didn’t mind it that much (did she mind it at all).
“Ryuji!” She silenced his further blubbering with a curt word that made him wince as if he expected a blow. She sighed.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize,” she actually took some satisfaction from being able to finally say it to him, rather than endlessly being on the receiving end of it, “-I…I don’t…I don’t mind…actually…” and she didn’t. As she said it, she acutely understood that she didn’t mind. It didn’t make her uncomfortable at all to know that. In fact, if she were being 100% honest with herself (which she rarely was) it actually made her feel…good.
“No way…” Ryuji gawked, the disbelief on his face feeling almost pointed as it stabbed into her.
Did he just assume there was no way she could ever be interested?
“W-well that’s…that’s up to you…whether you believe me or not I…” she lifted herself up and slid backwards, sitting down on the mat, and twisting her face away to try to vainly hide the blush, and hurt, now on it.
“No! Sorry, damn, sorry! I didn’t…I didn’t mean it like that! I believe you, totally, I believe you!” He scrambled to undo the damage his foot-in-mouth disease had caused (a common enough occurrence for Ryuji) and braced himself on his elbows, looking at her.
“It’s just…w-well I…I just thought…you’d be creeped out, me just saying it like that…ya know? It’s…kinda weird and, uhm, p-probably not normal,” she chuckled at that.
“I won’t deny that inviting me to teach you Aikido as a pretext for me to pin you multiple times is perhaps a rather unconventional form of flirting-” his head dropped and once again Makoto could not help but imagine a dog’s ears drooping sadly.
“-but…I mean, I asked Ren to pretend to be a fake boyfriend so I’m probably not the best judge of what is, or isn’t, normal when it comes to flirting,”
“Yeah,” Ryuji snorted, and Makoto playfully reached out and lightly punched his shoulder.
“I’m being candid with you now, don’t laugh,”
“What’s candid mean?” Makoto couldn’t help but laugh at that.
“But seriously Makoto I…I’m sorry if I made things weird, I didn’t wanna! I seriously asked ya hear just to show me your moves! Honest! This wasn’t a plan or anything,” Makoto might have distrusted him, if he hadn’t added on that ‘wasn’t a plan or anything,’ what could be more trustworthy from Ryuji than an admission that he had no plan and just charged into situations half-cocked?
“You’re just…I mean just…you’re…ugh,” he groaned, looking to the roof as if hoping the words, he was looking for would be written there (They weren’t).
“I’m just…what?” When had she begun holding her breath? Should she really let this be dragging on? Shouldn’t she nip it in the bud?
“You’re so cool! Like…seriously! Ugh!  You’re amazing! You’re awesome, you’re smart, you’re strong, you’re almost as good a leader as Ren, and you damn sure plan things further ahead! I just…ya know? You’re so amazing and then you spend time with me and-”
“Ryuji,” she reached a hand out and placed it over one knee, prompting him to go quiet, lifting himself somewhat from the mat to look at her again.
“I enjoy spending time with you. This isn’t a chore, it’s fun. You’re fun. I like spending time with you. I liked coming up with a ridiculous action move with you. I like working out with you. So if you even think of saying that I shouldn’t be spending my time with you then, well, we could move straight on to me demonstrating that iron fist of mine you’re always going on about,” being a burden. Makoto knew exactly what it was like to feel as if you were nothing but a rock around the neck of the person you cared for most. She would do anything to stop a friend from feeling like that.
“Heh, yes ma’am,” he gave a weak chuckle but his genuine smile had returned. “S-sorry-” she gave him the ‘look’ and he cleared his throat loudly; “I mean…uh…s-so good session?” She gave him an approving smile.
“It was a good session,” and she meant that honestly. “But I think that’s enough for one day, besides, we have some more talking to do,” she stood up and reached a hand out for him. He smiled and clasped it, letting her pull him up.
“Talk?”
“Yeah, I thought after we shower, we could stop by some place to catch a bite, I’ve worked up quite the appetite,”
“Oh! Oh yeah! Sure, sure, I can take you to Ogikubo! It’s a great place, been there with Ren and Yusuke before, you’ll love it!” Luckily Ryuji was able to go from low on fuel to full energy in a matter of moments, already excitedly gushing once more after his brief melancholy.
“Fantastic, we’ll shower up, meet outside, then head on over,” she moved to her tog bag, already picking it up.
“Great! It’s a date-” the words caught in Ryuji’s throat and his eyes went wide. “I-I m-mean not a date! N-not a date! I was just…it was just…it slipped out and…I d-don’t mean a date! I just mean a…uh…a-”
Why did he have to make torturing him so fun? Was she bad for enjoying this (a little, maybe)?
“You can call it a date Ryuji, we’ll discuss the particulars over ramen,” she let him sweat a bit before giving him a half-smile as she passed him by, one hand reaching out to lightly brush his own, watching with satisfaction as his face remained blank, gears turning in his head, as a blush began to slowly spread from his cheeks across his entire face.
He. Had. A. Date.
“YES! Uh…s-sorry! Yes! I’m…particulars and ramen…sounds good! I’m just gonna…gonna go…uh…ramen then shower…and we can…discuss the uh…the particulars of the…the…date!” He babbled as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, trying his best to stop a massive grin from dominating his face, but failing horribly.
It was cute.
So cute that Makoto couldn’t help but briefly lift on her toes, and put a kiss on his cheek. That was what people did in these situations, right?
“Okaybyetalkinabit,” she babbled and hurried off for the showers, face crimson.
Behind her Ryuji remained there, frozen for a good few minutes, as the reality of what had happened slowly, slowly, sank in. When it finally did he opened his mouth and-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The resultant outburst of  ‘Yeah!’ was so loud he was, kindly, asked to leave the premises for disturbing the other clients. Makoto surmised this would not be the last time in their relationship the two were asked to leave the premises of some or other facility. 
18 notes · View notes
You are Expendable
You are a hard working individual Pride yourself on your work You show up early and stay late You never miss a meeting or an email “We are lucky to have you, You are such a great asset to the team. With everything you do, to show our gratitude We will fire you without question.” You work hard every day Put your heart and soul into the job You encourage your coworkers, teammates Take that overtime and bust your ass You don’t sleep, you think of what You can do better tomorrow Yet you are expendable. Your job does not need you You will be replaced by the end of the day. Your job does not value you, You are a commodity that can be replaced. Your skill is teachable, Your knowledge is common. The truth is you are expendable And they’ll replace you for their financial gain.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I should have known from the 1st day of training my job as a claim associate for a Big Name National Insurance Company that I would regret my decision to apply.
I should have known when within two days of training I was pulled to the side and written up. For my neighbor talking to me.
I should have known.
So this is all on me, I know, but I thought that this company would treat me right and it was only these two bitter old employees who were about to retire.
I was wrong. I was so wrong.
the first year was amazing! I met new friends, I was great at my job, I had the best manager in the world! I was surprised that I could like working in Insurance. I was being talked to about advancement, different areas of the company I would excel at, and the right path to follow to achieve my goals.
Then She came along. Covid hit, we were all sent home, and a brand new manager took over my team. I didn’t think much of it, because honestly? She seemed fine. She was new to managing, but not new to the job. My biggest critique then had just been how much time she seemed to take off. She was NEVER there. Every other day she was taking a partial day. She took long weekends, took weeks off at a time. It was weird to say the least. 
But then the snippy emails came. The bitchy remarks.
My team suffered GREATLY. We went from being one of the top performing teams to suddenly being at the bottom. And all of these Outliers Reports that we had never heard of started becoming this huge deal.
Literally never heard of these reports, and then one week we were all on them. And it was a BIG DEAL (TM). Then we were getting in trouble for being in the wrong call states (the call states we have been told to be in for specific situations since we were trained were suddenly the wrong call states).
All of this I was willing to just deal with. But then...
Then my mom got sick. I got a call from my father at around 1 or 2PM Thursday, November 19, 2020. My mom was going to the ER because they thought she was having a stroke. I told my boss I couldn’t be at work and left for the day. Found out that it was a tumor, possibly cancer. Within 2 weeks she was in surgery to remove the mass and we found out it was Glioblastoma. The worst brain cancer.
And my friends and family kept asking “Is your work understanding? Being accommodating?” And I couldn’t say they were. They were the complete opposite of understanding.
I fought for a while to make them understand and to just ask for simple accommodations only to be met with “If you can’t do your job then go home.”
Below is a letter I wrote to HR.
“To whom it may concern,
My name is ______, and I work as a claims representative in the Auto Property Claims, Express. I am writing to you today to bring up some issues I have recently run into with the way Express is run, and I would like to discuss these with you and hopefully find a solution so if someone else is ever in my position, they are treated better.
Specifically, I would like to discuss how I was treated when I found out my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer.
I received a call on my first break on Thursday, November 19th, from my father. He told me that my mother was on her way to the ER. I immediately IM’d my manager, *blacked out*, and requested to leave, as my father cannot take care of my mother alone since he is blind. She simply said that she logged me out, and I did not think anything of her short reply.
I came back to work on Monday, November 23rd, because I had no more PTO, despite still waiting for my mother’s MRIs to come back with the official diagnosis. She was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her brain.  I could not afford to take time off (and also welcomed a distraction), but knew I would not be much help on phones, so I asked for tasks and waited 40 minutes for a response.  However, She simply stated that it wasn't possible for me to do other tasks - that either I could answer calls and talk to customers while in crisis and crying or miss work and not get paid.
I understand there are rules and managers cannot change our schedules on a whim; however, it felt crass that she would not even discuss an alternative. In the past I know that myself and others have been given courtesy during extreme circumstances, so I had spoken with another team manager about it, and he told me he would speak with Jessica for me.
Right before close, however, I received a very snippy IM from Her stating the following: “Just so you know, I had spoken with my boss, *blocked*, about this. And she said we couldn’t do that. And you were logged out for 40 minutes earlier today so I took the liberty of changing your T2 for that as an Unscheduled PTO.”
Those 40 minutes were while I was waiting for her response and trying to get myself together after learning horribly devastating news. I also felt very attacked and that if I were to do anything that she did not like from now on that she would retaliate against me. I still feel as though she will retaliate against me just because I went to another manager with an issue that she did not appear to care about at all. 
She has also consistently been lacking in manager experience, as well. The most prominent example of this is that she will not (or possibly does not know how to) help with personal development, either within the company nor in my current job position. When she brings up any areas where I could do better, she simply tells me “do better,” and when I ask for advice on how to go about doing so because I feel as though I am doing all I can she simply tells me again “do better." I can provide examples if you would like.
I attempted to speak about this with HR, but they simply asked why I was upset that my manager was asking me to do my job. I felt isolated afterwards, and felt as though Big National Insurance Company in general does not care about their employees in the least. Our motto is Remarkable. But my experience during this tragic time of learning that my mother might not just have brain cancer, but may never regain control or strength of her left side (her dominant side) ever again, coupled with the fact that my father only went blind 3 years ago so I now have 2 disabled parents whom I may need to start taking care of on a regular basis, has been anything but remarkable
I was told to get CIGNA to look into ADA accommodations. However, I needed the accommodation immediately, and CIGNA can take weeks, if not months, to get established. In that moment I needed to know that I could do my job while also helping my family through this horribly difficult time, and I was told to jump through hoops like a circus animal and maybe I would still have a job after, but probably would not be paid for the time off. I could apply for the Employee Grant, but that’s not a guarantee, and I have to apply for it after I’ve already lost the pay. As I’m living paycheck to paycheck right now, that would mean I would probably be facing eviction by the time I would receive any assistance. 
Accommodations were simply thrown out the window and when my friends ask how I’m doing and if my job is being understanding, I cannot say that they are. Between the points system, which punishes you for being ill or having to care for family, and my boss’s cold, indifferent, and unsympathetic attitude towards me, I feel as though I am literally just a number, an expendable employee who is simply there to be a robot. 
As I stated at the beginning of this email, I would love the chance to discuss this with you to find a solution. So if anyone else is ever put in this position, they are treated with dignity, respect, and sympathy, rather than cold, unfeeling retaliation and robotic responses. So future employees do not have to jump through hoops in order to have simple and understandable accommodations made as they work on getting the rest lined up.
You can reach me at this email, my personal email *blocked*, or through text or calls at my cell number *blocked*. 
Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
*my name*
We had a lovely conversation with my boss, her boss, and a new HR rep. But did anything change? No. If anything, I started getting micromanaged even more.
There is so much more to the story than this, but I - I just don’t have the time or energy to type it up.
Maybe I will another day.
But in conclusion - I should have known. Shame on me for allowing myself to be fooled.
1 note · View note
Hi! I’m here to see if you could help with my typing. I’ve tentatively landed on ENTP, which could easily be off. The confusion is coming mostly from an inability to understand skills and tendencies. I’ve also easily fallen into thinking I’m several types when it realistically doesn’t make sense (ex. INFJ, INTJ, INTP, and INFP, although some of those types use completely different functions). Whether I fall more on the introverted end of things or the extroverted is a difficult call 1/5
Spoilers: I’m kind of doing a similar thing as I did earlier today, except thankfully shorter and as a result I might come to a conclusion. I don’t know, I’ve only read the first two parts so far so join me on this adventure. Anyway - it is fine to say what your tentative guess is but again, this is a thing that could be said much more briefly: “Hi! I’m looking for some typing help - I tentatively am thinking ENTP, but I’ve considered almost all the introverted intuitive types.”
but I’ve come to the conclusion it’s probably extroversion. Ti/Fe or Te/Fi, in whatever order, might be up for debate. I do think that unless a type of knowledge can be applied its value is limited, and I don’t care about what other people think of me - however, that is more likely to be me pushing away any negative emotions it causes and tell myself that most people’s opinions don’t matter (because it’s a waste of time being concerned about that shit 24/7). I ramble, get off topic, and will 2/5            
okay if Ti/Fe and Te/Fi are both options in either order what you’re saying is you have no idea about your judging function, which is fine but then why did you come to the conclusion of ENTP. Also, there are no examples here.
forget to provide specific examples in my writing, which might be making this ask into a bloody mess at this point. The high Ne stereotype of starting a bunch of projects and usually not finishing all of them, and procrastination, applies. I like to be theatrical or over dramatic to entertain or annoy others. I usually enjoy high energy environments. I like to be in movement (walking, driving, roller coasters, etc.) but I’m not always present in the moment for it. Don’t do a lot of 3/5 
This is an important lesson for life: being aware is the first step in problem solving, but it is not the same as fixing the problem, because yeah, this is a bloody mess. Like, I do not know how to explain that I’m not asking for examples because I want you to jump through arbitrary hoops, I’m asking for examples because without them I will probably not be able to type you. Otherwise this is fine and high Ne does sound reasonable, and honestly so does high Ti in that it’s really only high Ti users who think the enjoyment of doing shit solely to annoy others is an important enough personal quality to tell internet strangers, rather than feeling a deep sense of shame over it and telling no one. (Except when it comes to siblings and good friends - we are all allowed to annoy our siblings and if you have a mutually banter-heavy relationship with a close friend you can do stuff like this. but I digress).
ResearchTM. Looking for certain info is interesting, but I can get bored of that kind of learning quickly. Hands on and interactive mediums like puzzles, on the other hand, I quite enjoy. I can be pretty oblivious to my surroundings unless I make a conscious effort to analyze my environment, which will only happen if I have nothing else to do. An Fe judging makes sense because I take in a very overarching view of morality based on what is usually accepted as “right or wrong”, 4/5            
Okay not sure what the TM is about but: still not many examples, and “I’m oblivious to my surroundings” is rapidly moving towards the “phrases people who don’t give me any examples keep saying.” Not to bring in my other favorite hobby but the D&D Player’s Handbook tells you how to craft an interesting character through concrete examples. If you don’t give examples, you don’t seem...real. Also this is just like, pulling from descriptions which I don’t super love because I feel like I’m just being used as a rubber stamp for your own conclusions and my contrarian asshole brain is like “well now I do not want to do it.” If you want me to confirm your suspicions with any reliability your best bet is to say nothing about the type you think you are and give concrete examples about your behavior. If you were right, you then have the added satisfaction of knowing I came to the same conclusion independently instead of you handing me a premade kit of ‘type I want you to type me as’.
and I’m not good at an individualistic approach to comfort. Of course, my understanding of cognitive functions could still be foggy. I hope this is enough useful information. I’ve checked your anatomy of an ask masterpost and tried to follow suit, but please let me know if there is other stuff that would be more helpful. Thanks! 5/5            
Me checking anatomy of an ask: yeah I definitely said ‘avoid stereotypical MBTI descriptions’ and ‘give examples of your behavior’ in that so if you read it, you stopped halfway through.
------------------
Anyway, based on this I don’t see any obvious reason to discount ENTP, but I can’t in good faith confirm it as there are really no examples and a lot of this is kind of generic description. If you usually don’t use examples in your writing that’s between you and your typical audience, but if you want me to type you, you’re going to have to do that.
4 notes · View notes
manichoneybee · 5 years
Text
Tips for Mentally Ill Students
Preface: I know theres a lot of this kind of stuff around, but I thought I would put out my two cents as someone with ADHD, anxiety, and Bipolar II (so a combo of hypomania and depression that cause things I’ll elaborate on in this). This may or may not help with some chronic illnesses, as I have fibromyalgia which is pretty inseparable from my mental health.
This all comes from my experience as a first year college student, who didn’t fully take this advice all the time, but definitely plan to fully incorporate in my first semester and I’ll update you. Most of this advice I did take though, and I made it on the deans list and got a 4.0 on my jury so I think I did well for myself.
1. Do Things Ahead of Time - Executive dysfunction, depression, pain, etc. is a bitch. It will tell you that you can’t, that you shouldn’t, that it’s impossible to do that thing you need to do. And really sometimes it is impossible for you. I know I found it impossible to do my homework sometimes, and thats not good. However, this is where using your good days to full advantage comes in. On my end of this, I often even use my hypomanic days (which are not fun trust me, but thats not what this post is about) to get shit done. When you have a day where you feel like you can do things, USE IT. Do your homework, clean that corner of your room, plan a month ahead (I literally make bujo spreads a month ahead in order to counteract my depression and busy days), email that professor, get it all done. You will love your past self for it.
2. Spend Time Outside of Your Room - (Bear with me this one is long) Ok, I love to sleep, I am constantly tired. Fibromyalgia is horrible, as is depression. However, sleeping all the time is not conducive to studying, doing homework, practicing oboe, showering (trust me you will not wanna get out of bed just to shower and you will go for days without). In college you have a lot of free time, and that free time could be spent in your room, or it could be utilized to 1) spend time with friends 2) study in the library 3) practice an instrument 4) explore the campus/city 5) draw in cafe. I’ve found that being outside of your room improves your mood, and also allows you to be more focused on your work. Personally, I like to find the most underutilized area of the campus at the time, and studying or drawing there. I even once had a TA tell me to go take a walk and destress rather than take a test, and he just had me take the test the next week (he was the best TA). It’s very good to get out of buildings, especially your dorm. (If I’m honest though I did sleep in the lobby of the music building many times which probably wasn’t good, but I’ll admit this tip didn't always work).
3. Honestly Classical Music Doesn’t Always Work - as a music major who plays the oboe, I’ll be honest, classical music is distracting. I find myself constantly analyzing it and/or just getting bored with it lol. So, to fuel my brain’s need for stimulation while I do homework I put on podcasts or youtube video in the background. I know people will tell you that you can’t multitask, but as someone with both ADHD and exhausting hypomania, I need entertainment. If that means classical music for you, go for it, but I’ve talked to a couple of people and they agree with me - it doesn’t always work.
4. Say No - people will ask you to do a lot of things such as going to a concert, party, tutor them and you don't have to do it. If you don’t want to, if you don’t have the energy, if you just don’t like them, don’t do it. I feel like this is the hardest tip because many of us don’t want to be hated, but what other people think of you doesn’t matter as long they don’t effect your future, such as professors obviously. This is incredibly hard to internalize.
5. 100% Effort All The Time Is Not Possible - we talk a lot about giving what you want to receive. Thats not how it works. You can’t always give 100%, and you won’t always receive 100%. The world isn’t equal. You need to decide how much energy you can serve that day, how much energy you think something deserves, and then apply it. You may receive just as much energy as you put in, you may get less in return, or you may get more. It just depends on what you’re doing. Its not fair to yourself if you treat yourself like a battery powered machine. You're more like a cell phone that needs to recharge and has less and less energy to give the more time you go between recharges.
6. Actually Socializing is Good For You And That Can Include Parties - I know I just said say no to parties, but parties can be refreshing. Obviously I you have social anxiety it might not be, but you don’t always have to go to parties you can just hang with a friend at a cafe. However, what I'm trying to get across is that doing something new is much better than constantly doing homework, working, and just generally being by yourself. If I’m truthful, I love parties, I think they really bring me alive as an introverted extrovert, and they save me from myself. By the way, I'm not advocating for underage drinking here. You don’t have to drink at parties, and if anyone pressures you to, leave. but if you're in a safe environment parties, genuinely are a good thing to save you from self impose solitary confinement.
7. Talk to Your Professors/TAs - this one is self explanatory. Your professors are your greatest resource, and you need to tell them when you are having issues. This doesn’t mean you have to tell them your mental illness. Its genuinely not necessary, unless you really want them to understand the issue (such as e telling my piano TAs about my fibromyalgia that hurt my fingers). You can just ask them for an extension on the occasional piece of work, email them on your bad days and tell them you can not make it to class and ask for a make up date for the test. Most professors are very kind especially if you are in a small class/major. Of course it depends on the class. Personally I’d reserve this for your smaller classes, and use your extra effort on those big classes where accommodation is harder for the professor.
8. Related: Use Your School’s Resources - on that note, your school may have counseling/therapy/psychiatry/etc. that you can use. If it’s free, or you have the insurance, please use it, and if you can, use it regularly. In many cases if you have an official diagnosis, you can get disability accommodation for your mental illness and/or disability and/or chronic illness. This means you'll have an official “excuse” for violating the absence policy (please don’t though, that one is tougher to accomodate), for turning in your homework a day late, for needing power-points to be presented rather than verbal lectures (I have this one for just in case moments, normally professors automatically accommodate this though). This means that if professor don’t let you use your accommodations, they can get in trouble.
9. Have Things That Make You Feel Better Easily Available - sometimes it’s incredibly tough to get out of bed, but you need to. On these days, you need something that can make you feel better without just skipping class. On these days I always have sweatpants or leggings available for comfiness, in the fall I grab my emotional support scarf (not a total joke, that scarf comforts me on my panicky days), sometimes I even use my CBD vape pen (yes, yes I know self vape nation lol get it put of your system). Just having things that make you feel good, in your site, and readily available for use is so important and can really make the difference.
10. Not Every Piece of Homework Needs to be Done - exclusively the only reason I did not get a 3.8-4.0 is because I weighed my options and decided it was better for me to not do certain low weighted hw. Rather than use my spoons doing hw that wasn’t going to ultimately help (I knew the material, if you don’t know the material it’s tougher to use this tip), I used my spoons and energy towards doing the laundry or practicing my oboe for an extra 30 mins. It’s important that you weigh what is more important to you personally. 
I hope these helped! I’m trying to be realistic as possible, and been as candid as possible so if this helped feel free to message me and talk about it because I’d love to hear your story as I’ve shared a bit of mine here.
Also, go ahead and add on to this with your tips!
55 notes · View notes
tangledgal · 5 years
Text
WARNING: SUPER BIG POST! This is a complete list of my ranking of the season 1 and season 2 soundtrack.
Alright, first, I truly like/ love all the songs in the soundtrack, so low-ranked songs are never “bad.” Second, I’m not counting the 3 scores we got with the season 2 soundtrack. Third, I know that once season 3 has released its songs, this list will become kinda irrelevant, but hey, I’m impatient. Lastly, this is all biased so if some songs seem like they should be lower or higher than others, then that’s fine. I don’t claim to be a genius musician. I just prefer some songs over others.
(P.S. this was written in a day so misspellings are likely) 
Tumblr media
21.) Hook Foot’s Ballad
I don’t think I need to explain why this is the lowest. XD I really don’t mind this song, but it’s so short and just makes me wonder why this was considered a song, but the Reverse Incantation wasn’t! Just . . . meh.
Tumblr media
20.) Wind in My Hair (Reprise)
We’ve all heard this one a BUNCH of times, and it’s pretty okay on its own. I just don’t consider this as high on the list just because we’ve heard it a lot and it’s just ��Wind in my Hair” but shorter.
Tumblr media
19.) More of Me
Another song we hear over and over again, but I’m a sucker for upbeat Disney pop music, and the full song is pretty fun to listen to. Nothing special, but enjoyable.
Tumblr media
18.) Next Stop Anywhere (Reprise)
I like this one, but the 30 seconds of just talking at the beginning is a little grating. Again, just “Next Stop” but shorter. Still, Mandy and Zac always sound amazing together.
Tumblr media
17.) Let Me Make You Proud (Reprise)
As you see, I put all the reprises last since they aren’t the most . . . interesting, but this is definitely the best of them since this is the MOMENT Varian vows revenge and makes his arc. It’s very powerful and the singing is great, but again, reprise.
Tumblr media
16.) Listen Up
A fun song that’s just right for Halloween. I particularly love how it has the same sound as “I’ve Got a Dream,” but in a minor key, making it spoopy! It’s just lower on the list since it doesn’t really add much to the plot. Just a good song.
Tumblr media
15.) Life After Happily Ever After
One of the few songs that sound exactly like it came straight from the movie. I like how it fills us in on the plot and with a great melody. Just . . . lots of talking that wasn’t edited out. And not that it’s not good, but I don’t find myself listening to it as often. Still, this was great as the first song of the show and it’s great now.
Tumblr media
14.) If I Could Take That Moment Back
Yeah, I’m a New Dream sucker, and this song made me choke up a bit on my first listen. ASIDE FROM THAT, it doesn’t sound too different from most sad love songs. I didn’t want to put it too high because it’s not particularly unique. Not saying it’s BAD at all! The melody is beautiful (especially on the piano), the lyrics are heartbreaking and match up with the situation pretty well, and of course, Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi duet #2. That’s a win in my book. 
Tumblr media
13.) Livin’ the Dream
Admittedly, I was REALLY surprised when we got a musical number in this episode, and the song did seem really random. Still, this is just a really funny and upbeat music number! It sounds similar to “I’ve Got A Dream,” but with a twist, it’s pretty catchy, the singer does a great job as a replacement for Brad Garrett. I know for most, this wouldn’t usually be this high, but hey, different tastes.
Tumblr media
12.) Friendship Song
I will admit, I like this song A LOT more than most people do. Then again, sucker for upbeat-Disney-pop music right here. I love how the instruments are so clear and beautiful, the melody and fast tempo are really fun to listen to, the lyrics can apply to anyone with a bff, and it always puts me in a good mood!
Tumblr media
11.) Set Yourself Free
This is a weird one. It is nice to listen to and sung well, but I think my main liking for this song is that I feel a little bit of an emotional connection with it. When I hear this song, I think of the beginning of January and waiting anxiously for the finale of Season 1. I remember seeing a sneak peek of this song briefly, then seeing the episode as all the past moments of season 1 flash through the screen. Idk, it’s not really my favorite, but the feeling I get from listening to this brings back a lot of memories to me. I wouldn't put it lower since it does sound nice and I feel sentimental when listening to it, but it’s not higher since, honestly, it really is just Wind In My Hair, but instead of Rapunzel wishing for something, she’s doing something. Overall, good song.
Tumblr media
10.) Everything I Ever Thought I Knew
It’s . . . complicated. The song is so beautiful, I love the opening lyrics and Zachary Levi. Just. . . .  just Zachary Levi. However, I’ll admit that I’m not a fan of the whole “Dark Prince Eugene” thing. I never wanted it to be true, and I was low-key disappointed when it was revealed to be true. (Not devaluing the DPE theorists. Just not a personal fan of it being canon.) Still, I think the song does express Eugene’s feelings pretty well and it is kinda amusing when you realize he’s just having an identity crisis. All in all, we’ve waited a long time for a Eugene solo, and though I wasn’t thrilled about the context, still a fantastic song, and I’ll listen to it many times over.
Tumblr media
9.) Wind in My Hair
The first full song I listened to from the show, sung beautifully, gives the show a great starting point, feels like a classic Disney princess song, and I simply love it. Next.
Tumblr media
8.) Next Stop Anywhere
Great intro song to Season 2! It’s catchy, has amazing singing from the 3, and just a wonderful song. Yea, more unnecessary talking here and there that should’ve been cut out, but I love this song too much. Just like Wind in My Hair, I don’t have a logical reason why I love the song as much as I do. I just do!
Tumblr media
7.) I’ve Got This
I love the opening notes to this song and it drags you right into it! It’s really fun to sing along to and pretend to be the angry citizens. Mostly, I love how the song progressively goes from upbeat and positive, then to worry, then to panic, then eventually to sadness. It’s catchy and upbeat, yet depressing and slow, and I love it. (Also, kittens)
Tumblr media
6.) Buddy Song
Okay, first, can I just say how much I love the context of this song. While the majority of the other songs have an important meaning behind them or are there for some logical reason, the literal purpose of this song is just because Eugene and Lance are drugged up on flowers and that’s it. Usually, I’d be critical to scenes that are pointless or don’t push the story, but here, I have NO problem with it. It’s so fun and enjoyable in how carefree it is. Not only that, but add Zach and James singing like they are having the time of their lives (and not about to die) all to a jazzy beat and you have a musical masterpiece. I was waiting for this kind of song, and I was not disappointed in the slightest!
Tumblr media
5.) Ready As I’ll Ever Be
The first two notes of this song should win an award alone. I love the intensity of this song and how epic it all feels. It stands as an amazing group number, as well as its own song separate from the context. Everyone gets to shine in this song, and it all has a very grand feel to it. Also, it really is the only song of its kind in the whole soundtrack. It’s “the epic theme song before going into battle” song. It’s amazing and really deserves the praise it gets (and then some.)
Tumblr media
4.) View From Up Here
Admittedly not the most “dramatic” song. However, there is just so much about this song I love. First, I never expected Mandy Moore and Eden Espinosa to sound so good together! Imho, their harmony is one of the best in the show. Their voices blend so amazingly together and though they are different kinds of singers, they sound so in sync and the difference in their voices add so much! Also, even though this is like “whimsical exploring song # 12943,” it has this energy and charm to it that I can’t describe. The way it’s sung + the instruments make it sound so carefree, weightless, and whimsical. I feel I have no care in the world listening to it. Also, it’s upbeat and catchy (as always) Love it, love it, love it! (Also, the entire song is actually extended from what they sing in the episode, so that’s even better!)
Tumblr media
3.) Waiting in the Wings
3 words: Eden Freakin’ Espinosa. Her voice was absolutely perfect for this song. Cassandra singing about her dreams and feelings towards being looked-over are expressed so well in the lyrics, the music, and in the emotion and power in Eden’s voice. It’s not only just an amazing song on its own, but it also gives insight into the character and makes us understand her struggles. I love the how gradually it builds up emotion just like in a classic Broadway song and the final note. Holy crap, THAT HIGH NOTE THO. I adore this song, and it definitely deserves to be in my top 3.
Tumblr media
2.) With You By My Side
I’ve been singing this all the time since the end of season 2, and it has never gotten old. The highs and lows each singer reaches in each part sound great, the melody is catchy and hopeful, yet a little solemn and sad. It sounds great and has so much emotion put into each note. The instrumentals are enough to get me to listen to this song! Also, the song itself is a milestone in the character’s relationship that went from acquaintances/ enemies to the best of friends who can’t do anything without the other. It’s a song that means friendship, trials, hope, and the end of a journey. (Or at least that’s what they thought >:))
Tumblr media
1.) Let Me Make You Proud 
No, I’m not a hardcore Varian fan or Jeremy Jordan fan. Not really even a Broadway fan. What I’m saying is that this song, to me, is perfect. The performance, the music, the context, the instruments, and even the nostalgic feeling I get when listening to this. It’s flawless. Jeremy Jordan is amazing at expressing emotion not through just his voice, but his singing as well. Him playing an emotionally vulnerable 14-year-old who is anxiously traveling through a snowstorm all to save his dad who he isn’t sure will even survive the mistake he made, but his motivation is what’s getting him through, adds so much emotion, personality, and power to this character and song. Also, my memories of watching the D23 panel (on youtube. I wasn’t there) when this was being played over a montage of clips we have and haven’t seen before, exciting us for what was to come, was one of the greatest experiences ever. What else can I say? Just . . . perfection.
Super long post, but I’m happy with my selection and I can’t wait for Season 3!
19 notes · View notes