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whatifyoulivelikethat · 3 years

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warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

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ober-affen-geil · 4 years

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I did a post, by request, about forgiveness earlier based on two different character relationships we have seen with Alex. This is sort of related to that, but also about the small window into the Manes family dynamic that we are getting to see glimpses of. There will be spoilers for season 2 through 2x10 so heads up for that. (Also, you know, this is based ONLY on everything through 2x10 so I’m calling it like I see it now, no liability for future nonsense that may or may not joss me.)

We met Gregory in 2x10, another Manes brother, and an interesting parallel to Flint in 1x12 jumped out at me so I’d like to talk about it here. CW for discussion of child abuse, homophobia, victim blaming, and gaslighting.

What I want to highlight is than in both episodes, 1x12 with Flint and 2x10 with Greg, both brothers acknowledge the abuse Alex suffered under Jesse. But the way each of them does so and the way Alex receives the sentiment is wildly different, and I think it tells us a lot about the family dynamic of the Manes brothers that we are not otherwise able to see.

*A small disclaimer about my headcanons, we know in canon that Flint is older than Alex. Personally, the way I interpreted the body language in the scene with Alex and Gregory is that Gregory is younger than Alex so that’s where I’m coming from analytically. Also, given that we know Flint is being blackmailed by Jesse, it’s very likely that all the Manes boys were raised in an abusive environment. It does also appear, from remarks that both Flint and Gregory make, that Alex had it “worse”, so my headcanon is that Alex bore the brunt of the physical abuse.*

I’ll start with Flint, because we meet him first. Significantly, we meet him in a military setting. This is Jesse’s world. Also, as is implied later, Jesse’s sphere of influence. Flint has clearly bought into Jesse’s worldview in at least part (the aliens), and feels powerless enough against him to accept the rest as unchangeable.

We see this also in the way he talks to Alex, “Do you ever get tired being the black sheep of the family?” The phrasing of this is distinctly victim blaming in nature. As if Alex could stop being the “black sheep” if he wanted to. It’s not necessarily implying that Alex could choose not to be gay, we actually see nothing about Flint in canon that indicates he’s homophobic in the way Jesse is, but it is implying that if Alex stopped making trouble he could be accepted. Like the responsibility lies with Alex, not with Jesse.

In fact that seems to be Flint’s strategy of dealing with his father if Alex’s rebuttal (Do you ever get tired of following the flock?) is any indication. So Flint’s relationship with Alex falls along the lines of Jesse’s. Again, Flint seems to have swallowed part of it whole (Alex could prevent his abuse if he wanted to) and accepted some of it as something he can do nothing about (”I know it wasn’t easy for you, growing up with Dad” aka, Alex was, in fact, abused).

There’s an interesting dynamic physically too. Discounting the moment in the corridor with the gun, since neither of them knew who the other person was at the time, there is a moment in the research room where Alex turns to leave and Flint grabs him

[ID: Inside the research and development room at the prison, season 1 episode 12. Alex is standing next to Flint (who is in uniform), arms folded close clutching the straps of his backpack. He turns to go and Flint grabs the top of his bag, yanking him back towards himself. Alex’s arms fling out slightly as he looses his balance.]

A couple things here. One, Flint is showing no regard for Alex’s personal space. He exerts control over Alex without hesitation; he doesn’t want Alex to leave and his first instinct is to prevent him from doing so physically. He puts his hands on him like they have a right to be there. Two, Flint yanks him in a way that puts Alex off balance. I don’t think it was necessarily deliberate, just the first thing he thought to do, but Flint knows Alex is missing part of his leg. Earlier in the scene Alex made reference to the fact that Flint is “able-bodied”, jerking Alex like that (towards his prosthetic side no less) shows complete disregard for the fact that Alex would have more trouble than most with keeping his feet. (He doesn’t fall but that’s not the point.)

The most telling thing though is Alex’s reaction to Flint. When he offers an, apparently genuine from his standpoint, expression of regret for Alex’s abuse (I tried my best to protect you from him) Alex rejects him out of hand (oh, spare me). To Alex, Flint’s olive branch has no meaning. Either because he feels it’s an empty gesture or because he believes it’s a false one.

Gregory offers an opposing viewpoint. Like Flint, the setting in which we meet him is significant. Not only is it civilian, it’s on a Diné reservation where he apparently lives. We haven’t met Alex’s mother yet and we know almost nothing about her in canon so I can’t speak to exactly what it means that Gregory is choosing to center his life with his mother’s side of the family. But symbolically, from an overarching analysis standpoint (which is my playground), there are a few things.

Alex’s mother represents Jesse’s opposite in almost every way. In the physical, female versus male and Native versus White, but also ideologically. We know at some point that she left the Manes family, which represents a rejection of Jesse’s influence and beliefs. Gregory not only leaving the Navy when it was his time but also choosing to live in a place where the US Government has extremely limited legal jurisdiction represents a similar rejection. Something Alex acknowledges when he congratulates Gregory for “getting out”.

Gregory’s language also sets him apart from Flint, he repeatedly aligns himself with Alex’s standpoint over Jesse’s. “I don’t think I get to be free until you are, Alex” indicates that he feels it is his responsibility to carry the burden of abuse as long as Alex does. In fact, carry the burden of Alex’s abuse specifically, “Let me hate him for you” tells me he is not hating Jesse for his own reasons.

“I wish that I would have stood up for you more” and “I owe you that much” also places the responsibility for Alex’s abuse on Jesse (and himself, he feels guilty) and NOT on Alex. Flint seems to imply that it was something Alex could have avoided, or made less worse, if he had kept his head down and fallen in line. Gregory is placing the blame on the abuser, not the abused.

Physically, unlike Flint, Gregory respects Alex’s physical boundaries. They greet each other with a handshake, and when Gregory goes to say goodbye he offers his hand again.

[ID: Alex and Gregory stand facing each other, their torsos and waists visible but their faces out of frame. Gregory takes his right hand out of his pocket and offers it towards Alex for a handshake. He makes no other move forward.]

Importantly, this is the only move he makes. He doesn’t move into Alex’s space and he doesn’t grab Alex’s hand. He’s following the lines set down by their previous interaction; he’s not asking or expecting anything more from Alex. He does not believe himself to have a right to Alex’s personal bubble. Alex is the one to initiate the hug, not Gregory. And again, Alex’s reaction is the most telling part in all of this.

Aside from granting Gregory access to him physically (the hug), he also explicitly invites him to visit him in Roswell, granting access to his home and personal sphere. Alex is giving permission to Gregory to involve himself in Alex’s life, which is something we don’t see with Flint.

This kind of comes back to the forgiveness part I mentioned at the very beginning, it’s clear that Flint does not have Alex’s forgiveness or trust and that Gregory does. The thing is, neither one of them asked him for it, but the reason why dictates which one he grants it to.

Flint didn’t ask for forgiveness because he doesn’t think he needs it from Alex. Flint is the one putting blame on Alex for how he was treated, in no way does he hold himself responsible for what happened growing up. In his own mind he did what he could and that was enough. Gregory isn’t asking for forgiveness because he doesn’t think he deserves it. It’s obvious that he is blaming himself as much as Jesse for what Alex went through, and he on some level expects Alex to do the same.

It’s a great dichotomy, and it’s a wonderful way of gaining a lot of insight into something that has only every really been off screen. I’m looking forward to finding out more of the Manes family dynamic as we go along, but picking scenes like this apart is honestly a little more fun for now.

#roswell new mexico #rnm #alex manes #flint manes #gregory manes #jesse manes #manes men #tw abuse #tw homophobia #tw victim blaming #my roswell meta #list #roswell season 2 #a riley special

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semiconducting · 3 years

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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i��m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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xialing-gf · 5 years

Text

fake

summary: (requested by anonymous) can you do a Carol x fem Reader where they are best friends. They both get put on a mission together and have to act as a couple. Reader distances herself while acting as a couple (fake kissing) and acting like she doesn’t like acting as the girlfriend, when in fact she does. Carol doesn’t know what’s wrong, and confronts her about it. Make it angsty and make it happy ending please

wc: 1661

When you first volunteered for the mission, the plan you had in mind was for a friend of yours to be chosen to go with you and you both could have fun pretending to be a couple. Instead, Carol, the girl who you had feelings forever since you met her, was chosen to do the mission with you, meaning that you had to fake a relationship with a girl who you wanted to have an actual relationship with.

The goal of the mission was to infiltrate the government of Trilona because the government was planning to host a conference with the other governments on the same planet and planned to assassinate the invited governments in order to gain control over their land. The mission sounded extremely dangerous but it wasn’t actually too bad because Trilona was a city made specifically for couples and only couples were allowed to enter, hence why you had to fake a relationship with another person for the mission.

Carol seemed pretty stoked about you being her fake girlfriend because as you were packing for the mission, Carol knocked on your open door to let you know she was there and she grinned when you paused packing to meet her eyes. “This should be fun! We’re getting there a few days earlier so we can go do some fun couple-y stuff. Oh, also, don’t forget to bring a business suit so we can enter government buildings.”

“Yep,” You stiffly replied, continuing to pack and pointedly avoiding her gaze. Before even starting the mission, you promised yourself that you would try to distance yourself from Carol when you were fake-dating her. You knew that if you got too emotionally attached and too caught up in the act, once the mission ended, you would be in so much emotional pain. It was better this way for Carol too since she probably wanted nothing to do with you and just tolerated you for this mission. But leading up to the mission, Carol was really nice to you, more than she usually was, and you felt bad for how indifferent you were towards her.

Your friends who knew you had feelings for Carol all encouraged you to have a little fun with the mission and tried to give you hope that maybe somewhere along the mission, Carol would fall in love with you but you still knew there was a very big possibility of breaking your own heart by holding onto that small sliver of hope.

You and Carol took a ship to get to Trilona and as Carol was navigating the controls, you looked out the window into the abyss of calming darkness. As she steered the ship, Carol tried to make small talk and you responded with one-word answers, trying to stay as unattached as possible. She didn’t seem too bothered but there were signs of worry in her wavering tone.

Once you two arrived in Trilona and Carol landed the ship, the first objective was to convince the government officials that you and Carol were really a couple. Even though you two had booked a hotel and parking space for the ship as a couple, in order to get into the city, you had to bypass government officials who checked your id and convince them that you two were really a couple, which would hopefully be a lot easier than it sounded.

As you and Carol stood in line waiting to have your identification checked, she casually intertwined her fingers with yours and you felt a searing blush climb up your cheeks. Carol probably had no idea how many times you daydreamed about her holding your hand but you never imagined that your first time holding her hand would be like this.

“Identification and reason for the visit?” The government official asked when you and Carol finally got to the front of the line. As you handed the official your identification along with Carol’s, Carol made a show of pressing closer to you.

“We’re here for vacation. We wanted to celebrate our three year anniversary and we heard this place is lovely for couples,” Carol fibbed flawlessly and the official handed you back the identification documents. The government official honestly didn’t look too impressed and simply waved his arm, signaling that you were free to leave and that the next person in line should come forward.

Carol didn’t let go of your hand until you purposefully moved far away enough from her to the point where she had to struggle to hold onto your hand, forcing her to let go. You and Carol took a bus to the hotel and checked in, an awkwardness settling between you two after you unlinked hands with her. After Carol checked you both in, you two headed to your hotel room, which by the way, you had to share with Carol, meaning you had no way of releasing your stress and frustration alone.

The hotel room was decorated in romantic swirls of color that should’ve made you happy but instead, it made you feel sick. Everything about this mission just tore you apart and you hated that even the hotel room had to remind you that this romance was all fake. Carol happily flopped onto the only bed in the room and you decided to sit on the loveseat instead of sitting on the bed with Carol. The loveseat was surprisingly comfortable and you turned towards Carol to state, “I’ll sleep here.”

“Are you sure? The bed is super wide and the blankets and pillows are so soft and comfortable. There’s room on this bed for the both of us. Are you sure you don’t want to sleep on the bed?” Carol asked as she sat upright, a confused expression in her eyes.

“Nope, I’m good. It’s comfortable here,” As you replied, you saw Carol’s crestfallen expression and your heart was about the shatter into a million pieces. You hated how cruel you were being but in order to protect your heart, you would rather be hated than loved.

You and Carol discussed the plan to infiltrate the meeting the next day in a rather stiff manner, the mood now clearly awkward after your rejection but fortunately, dinner bridged over that gap and you two were able to settle on a dinner location without the same air of awkwardness.

While you and Carol were standing in the elevator that was descending to the lobby, Carol glances at your hand and commented, “We probably should get on our relationship act. We need to be super convincing or else we’ll be kicked out of here before we get a chance to invade.”

“You’re right, I guess,” You sighed as the elevator door dinged opened and Carol gently held your hand again. This time, you willed yourself not to shut yourself off again and you two walked downtown to the sushi restaurant to get sushi. At the restaurant, every couple looked so happy and you faked your joy, hoping that your act was convincing enough. Carol also acted with more passion, getting a little more touchy but still respecting your boundaries.

Admittedly, you were caught off guard when she kissed your cheek as the waiter walked over and you had to remind yourself that she was simply doing it so that the waiter would be convinced. Still, you wished that she kissed you and she meant it. Later that night, you thought about how it felt to have her lips pressed against your cheek and your fingers intertwined with hers and you suddenly wished you weren’t lying with an empty space next to you when you could be lying with Carol by your side.

Per usual, the mission was completed successfully and you and Carol quickly left Trilona. You were disappointed that the mission had been so short but you were also thankful that your suffering was about to come to an end soon. You were extremely incorrect about that because while Carol was flying you and her back, she asked, “So, why do you hate me so much?”

“I… don’t hate you,” You answered simply, staring out the window even though Carol wasn’t even glancing towards your direction.

“Then why were you so reluctant to do this mission with me? I could feel your hesitation even when we were at the sushi restaurant.” The pain in Carol’s voice was so obvious that it hit a sensitive spot in your heart that made you open up out of fear that she would forever believe you hated her when, in fact, it was the exact opposite.

“The problem is that I actually like you a lot. I just didn’t want myself to get so attached with this fake relationship and end up getting hurt in the end when this whole mission ended so I’ve been trying to distance myself. I’m sorry if I came off as angry or annoyed.”

There was a beat of tense silence before you turned to see Carol smiling. You frowned, confused as to why she wasn’t mad at you for acting the way you did. She took a deep breath before replying, “Funny you say that because I’ve actually had feelings for you too. Guess we’re both really that oblivious, huh? I planned to ask you out on a real date after our fake date and I know now isn’t the best time to bring it up but that offer still stands. You don’t have to feel bad about it; next time, just communicate. I won’t bite, I promise. Or at least, I won’t bite if you don’t either.”

“That sounds… really nice actually. Yeah, I would like that,” You lifted your eyes and met Carol’s for the first time in days, feeling a swelling feeling of hope rise in your chest. In the end, your feelings weren’t fake and even if the relationship for the mission was, you still had a chance to have a real relationship with Carol.

check out my marvel page for more marvel fics or check out my carol danvers x reader masterlist!

Carol Danvers Taglist: @retrobhaddie @mystic-ender @imgayandilliterate @just-your-local-history-nerd @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @aesthetiff

#carol danvers x reader #marvel #carol danvers #carol danvers imagine #captain marvel #captain marvel imagine #captain marvel x reader #mcu #marvel fanfiction #x reader #imagine #x fem!reader #carol danvers x you #carol danvers x fem!reader #angst #angst with a happy ending #fanfiction #marvel imagine #women of marvel

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ilovethings-somuch · 5 years

Text

Good Press

Chris Evans x Reader

Fake Dating AU

A/N: Here it is! Happy Election day! Get out and VOTE!

This is technically part of my 1.5k Followers Celebration and its been haunting me from my drafts for over a month, but I finally finished! This is a fake dating AU and it was requested by @princenyaz

I’ve been in a rut for a while now so I’m going to share the website that has repeatedly helped me get out of ruts like this one. It’s called Fighters Block (I linked it there) and it basically gives you a fun way to reach a word count and be motivated to just keep writing something.

“I’m sorry, you want us to what?” I asked my publicist, who also happened to be Chris Evans’ publicist, as I chose to ignore the look Chris was giving me.

“I think it would be a good idea for you two. You have a lot in common and it would give both of you a lot of positive press.”

“Why do I need positive press?” I looked at Chris for backup but he refused to meet my eye. “Are you going to back me up on this?”

“I actually, don’t think it’s such a bad idea,” he shrugged.

“Really? Other than the fact that we’d be faking a relationship? You don’t see anything wrong with that?”

“It’s not ideal, of course, but if we make a contract and know each other’s boundaries it’s basically like a business transaction.”

“I can’t believe you’re agreeing to this,” I shook my head as I glowered at both of them.

“I’m just saying it might not be that bad. The final decision is up to you,” Chris tried to assure me.

“Chris is right,” our publicist spoke up. “Take some time to think about it over the weekend, and we’ll have another meeting to discuss it on Monday.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to go on a date with Chris Evans, because honey I will gladly take your place,” my best friend, Ellie, offered when I told her about my meeting.

“That’s not the point,” I started.

“It is the point! If your publicist thinks it’s going to help kickstart your career, and that it’s going to be good on Chris’ end too, then why not? He’s a nice guy! Plus, he’s not bad to look at.”

“But it’s fake.”

“It is, but at least you know it’s not real going in. Think of it as method acting, you’re just acting as his girlfriend,” Ellie suggested.

“That’s not how it works.”

“But it can be! Don’t write it off so fast. I think it would be fun.”

“Of course you think it would be, you’re also the one who thinks skydiving is fun,” I deadpanned.

“Don’t change the subject. Look, if you’re really worried about either of you getting the wrong idea or something, just make a really good contract so that you know you’re both on the same page.”

“That’s what Chris said,” I mumbled.

“See, I knew I liked him!” she laughed before being serious again. “You asked for my opinion and I think it would be good for you. Not only because it will get your name out there, but because it will get you out there.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, you haven’t so much as talked to a guy since Ryan. You need to put yourself out there again.”

I took the rest of the weekend to think about it. I weighed the pros and cons, but really I couldn’t come up with a good list of cons. I was sure there had to be a concise list of reason why this was a bad idea, but when it came down to it I could barely name three.

“I can’t believe I agreed to this,” I sighed as I looked over my outfit one last time.

“Honestly, me neither,” Ellie laughed from where she was perched on my bed. I gave her a sulking look and she hopped off the bed to hug me. “It’s going to be fine! Chris is such a nice guy, and you made a very thorough contract, nothing could go wrong.”

“Thank you,” I hugged her back for a moment before straightening up and releasing one final deep breath.

“Now get out of here, you’re going to be late!”

I waved her off but took her advice and grabbed my bag and keys before heading out the door. Chris suggested a new restaurant downtown and even if I wasn’t excited about the date itself, I was very excited about the food. As I got out of the car I noticed another car door closing a few cars over. I looked over at the same time Chris saw me so I caught his smile and wave.

“Good timing,” he called as he waiting for me before we walked up to the door together. “You look great,” he complimented me easily and I was taken aback for a moment before remembering that that was a typical statement on a date.

“Thank you,” I recovered, “you look nice too.”

“Oh thanks, the henley really classes things up,” he joked.

We were sitting in the restaurant by then and I was trying to think of something else to say. “It shows off your tattoo at least.” There was too long of a pause before I got the words out and he seemed confused before remembering our conversation about his shirt.

“It does, do you like tattoos?”

“I like them on you.”

After the initial awkwardness, we were able to talk pretty consistently throughout the meal. I embarrassed myself a minimal number of times and before I knew it the waiter was dropping off the check. My instinct was to grab it or at least insist that we split it, but Chris was faster and quickly informed me that since he picked the restaurant it’s only fair that he pays. I was still going to argue but he shut me up by telling me that I could pick the restaurant and pay next time. That’s when I was reminded that this wasn’t just a one-time thing. We were planning on keeping up this relationship for at least a few months.

Chris offered me his arm as we stood from our table. I gave him an unsure look for a moment but he subtly nodded to the not-so-casual paparazzi that was waiting outside the restaurant and I quickly understood. It was weird how comfortable it felt being close to him, touching him, but it almost felt like I’d known him for a while. Chris escorted me to my car, the paparazzi stayed at a semi-respectable distance, but Chris still gave me a kiss on the cheek for good measure.

“I’ll call you,” he called to me as he walked backward towards his car.

“I’ll be waiting,” I teased, assuming that this was also for the benefit of the press. I later discovered that was not the case when my phone lit up with a call from Chris as I was getting into bed.

“Hello?”

“I think it’s funny that people still answer the phone like that,” he laughs into the phone. “As if you don’t have caller ID and know who’s calling.”

“It’s a force of habit,” I defend myself lightly. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”

“I told you I was going to call you later.”

“Yeah, but I thought that was just because of the press being around.”

“That might have been part of it, but is it so bad that I like talking to you?”

I press my lips together to suppress the smile that’s trying to show, “It’s not a bad thing.”

“Good. You know, I wouldn’t have agreed to this whole setup if I found you totally intolerable.”

“Of course not, I’m glad I made that one step up from intolerable.”

“Maybe, but you’re on thin fuckin’ ice,” Chris’ accent came out as he teased.

“Oh no, baby I’m sorry, I don’t know what I would do if my fake-boyfriend broke up with me,” I whined sarcastically. Chris blurted out a boisterous laugh and I couldn’t help but feel a little pride at being the cause of that sound.

“You should do more comedies,” Chris suggested once he calmed his laughter.

“Yeah? Maybe I’ll ask my manager.”

“You mean our manager.”

“I mean my manager, but I can tell her about you if you’d like. Maybe I could get you a meeting, she’s really great. I bet she could get you some auditions, but of course, you need to be ready to start out with some low budget films. You can’t have everything, Chris.”

“Wow, the sass is really strong with you, isn’t it?” Chris said in disbelief.

“I’m sorry,” I quickly backtracked. “Sometimes I can’t shut it off.”

“No, don’t apologize, really, I think you’re funny.”

“Thank you,” I trailed off awkwardly.

“Anytime,” Chris offered. “Well, um, I should get some sleep, I just didn’t wanna back out on my promise to call you. We should set up another date soon.”

“Yeah, I’ll look at my schedule tomorrow and text you or something.”

“Perfect. Well, Goodnight, (y/n).”

“Goodnight, Chris”

We ended up going on quite a few public dates the following weeks. It wasn’t until later that I realized we also started spending time together privately. I was convinced we were just becoming closer friends, and even if I wanted it to be more than that, I knew Chris didn't feel the same way. We were both just doing this to advance our careers and get good publicity, I couldn't bring myself to even consider that there could be anything more. Even when his causal touches started showing up in private, or that time he surprised me with flowers and soup when I told him I couldn't make our date due to a sudden case of the flu. That was the first night he slept over, granted, he slept on the couch and it only happened because he was convinced I was going to get worse over the night. All these moments seemed so insignificant at the time, but now I'm able to realize how important they were in the creation of our relationship.

The fake dating started seeming like less of a chore, it started feeling real. I knew I was in trouble, but I kept telling myself that even once we had to "break-up" we would still be friends and I could deal with that. Or at least I thought I could deal with that.

"You guys have been doing great," our publicist informed us. She asked us to come in for a meeting to update how we were doing with the fake relationship and because she had news for us, though she wouldn't tell us what the news was.

"It hasn't been easy," I sigh sarcastically and lean away from Chris. He laughs wholeheartedly and reaches for my hand. I don't pull away and instead, enjoy the feeling of his hand in mine.

"As much as I love seeing how well this has worked for both of your public images, I think it's time to quit while we're ahead. There was a big scandal in Hollywood last week where a couple was caught to be faking it. They were seen with other people and instead of taking a hit from a cheating scandal they thought it would be easier to admit it was fake. Now, I know you two are smarter than that, but I don't want anything like that to happen to you two and have this all be for nothing."

"So, we need to break up?" I asked, trying to mask the sadness in my voice.

"You do."

"Oh, okay," Chris replied quietly, gently dropping my hand in the process. He turned to our publicist and took a business tone, "How do we do this? Do we need to stage some public breakup or do we release a statement?"

"I think it's best if we just do a statement, as long as you two are okay with that? There's no reason we need to act like you left it on bad terms. Especially since you seem to have become friends at this point, I wouldn't want to jeopardize that."

"I appreciate that," I said and Chris met my eye with a smile.

"That means we'll have to stay away from each other for a while though, right?" Chris asked, looking back to our publicist.

"I think that would be best. I would suggest laying low for a while and then after a few weeks, don't be afraid to be seen with other people. We want to make this break up seem easy and happy. You guys could even go out together as long as it were in a group setting so it didn't seem like you were getting back together."

Chris and I left the office together. I was feeling defeated but still tried to put on a brave face since I wasn’t sure how Chris felt about the whole situation. For all I knew, he was excited for it to be over. An intrusive part of my brain wanted me to believe that is the case, even though my heart was telling me it wasn’t. Chris took my hand in his again as we stepped onto the sidewalk.

I looked up at him, confusion written on my features, and he smiled, "I figure it might be our last chance before the statement goes out tomorrow."

"You say that as if you're going to miss this," I replied in a mildly sarcastic tone. A tone that made Chris stop in his tracks, pulling me back right along with him.

"Why do you say it like that? Of course, I'm going to miss this and I'm sorry if this has been so awful for you that you're not going to miss it at all, but spending my time with you has been one of the highlights of my life lately."

"I'm sorry, I, I didn't mean it like that," I tried to rush through my words, trying to fix what I'd done, but at that point, Chris had dropped my hand and continued walking without me. A thought ran through my head about not needing to stage an argument since I could ruin any situation all on my own as I jogged to catch up with him. I took his hand in mine again as I pulled him to the stop.

"Chris, listen to me please," I looked up as a camera flash caught my eye.

"We can't do this here," he told me.

"I know, just, come over and let me explain." He agreed reluctantly and we continued on our way. I let go of his hand once he agreed and he didn’t make a move to pick it back up, even with the paparazzi on our tail. The trip to my apartment wasn’t far from the office and we walked the rest of the way in silence. As soon as we got inside Chris faced me, his arms crossed and eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.

"Do you want to sit down?" I asked, trying to release some of the tension that had built between us.

"I think I'm good right here, at least until I hear what you have to say."

"Right. Okay, so, I guess, I like you. I like you more than I should and I'm not ready for this to be over."

"You have a weird way of showing it," he scoffs.

"I know, I know,” I sighed again, willing myself to say the words that had been on my mind for weeks. “I didn't want to open up and let you know how I really felt because I didn't know if you felt the same way. I didn't want to tell you and then end up losing you as a friend too. I can handle not being your girlfriend, but I can’t lose you from my life. I know you don’t like me as any more than a good friend and that’s okay, but this is why I’ve been acting weird, I was trying to keep that last bit of distance between us.”

“What makes you think I don’t like you as any more than a friend?” Chris asked with an amused look on his face.

“Well, how could you? You’re you and I’m just,” I shrugged and gestured vaguely to myself.

“Don’t do that, you’re perfect.”

“From from it,” I said immediately before the realization of what this could mean set in.

I caught Chris roll his eyes as he finally uncrossed his arms and stepped closer to me. He didn’t stop until we were almost touching, his eyes bore into mine and he cupped my chin to keep me from looking away.

“You. Are. Perfect,” he said slowly, enunciating each word with careful precision. The urge to roll my eyes was strong but the emotion he had in his eyes stopped me. “I have a confession,” he paused and took half a step back, releasing my chin. “I only agreed to this fake dating scheme because I had a bit of a crush on you. I wanted to get to know you without the pressure of a real relationship and I’d say it worked. I know you, and I like everything about you.”

“You do?”

“I do,” he said with a soft laugh. I couldn’t think of anything to say for a moment as the news sunk in and Chris took the opportunity to close the gap between us. His lips touched mine, softly at first, seeking reassurance. I gave in almost instantly, parting my mouth has his tongue glided along my bottom lip. I had a fleeting thought about getting drunk on the taste of his mouth, but before I could finish it he was pulling away. I chased his lips inadvertently and he smiled into another quick peck before fully pulling back.

“We should probably call our publicist and tell her not to run that statement,” Chris said in a somewhat triumphant tone.

“I think that’s a good idea,” I agreed, still feeling dizzy from the kiss.

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dragon-zena · 6 years

Text

even More OC group chat shenanigans

HUGHES: Madena oh my god

ZI: jdndjdjdjjd madena you did NOT

MADENA: I TOTALLY DID IM SVDBDBHD

HUGHES: I hate this Madena wh

HUGHES: “considering that I am a gay,,,” LIKE

ZI: “half of us,,,are immigrants,,,and children and grandchildren of immigrants,,,,end it” like has your best friend ever

HUGHES: YEAH MY BEST FRIEND HAS EVER THEY DID IT TODAY YOU WERE THERE

MADENA: im sorry but like what did she expect complaining about gay people and immigrants to a nb bisexual with two parents from two different continents...like? Ok

ZI: let's debate sexuality when it's obvious that half the class are LGBT and the other half are bigots!!!

ZI: let's talk about “illegal” immigration when almost EVERYONE IN THE ROOM has a close family member that immigrated here!

HUGHES: RIGHT AND TBIS IS AP POLISCI NOT AP “DISCUSS HUMAN RIGHTS” LET'S N O T

MADENA: this is both the greatest and worst day of my life why did I SAY that dbdbdn

ZI: what u said was true and you should say it

MADENA: mnmerrg

ZI: mads ur literally iconic there are literally people talking about u being their hero I'm???

HUGHES: I can't believe the evil was thoroughly defeated in our third hour class today.

MADENA: theevilisdefeated.png

CAMILLA: Narla!

NARLA: Yeah?

CAMILLA: Friendly reminder that we have a game today uwu……….do u have what u need? You dint have ur knee pads last time

NARLA: Fuck, I honestly forgot my stuff. I'm probably gonna drive home and get them.

NARLA: And never say “friendly reminder” or use uwu ever again in my presence.

CAMILLA: You should let Zi bring you uwu

NARLA: Perish, you bitch. You bully. You scoundrel.

CAMILLA: ;^)

NARLA: Hey, Zi. Are you busy after school? I was hoping that I could get a ride home, today. I have to get my vball gear for tonight.

ZI: oh! Yeah! I'll be waiting in the car after school. Can i

ZI: uh

NARLA: ?

ZI: can I come watch you, tonight?

NARLA: I'm blushing so hard she asked to come watch us tonight.

CAMILLA: HELL YEA we need the support

CAMILLA: Not that we gonna lose but your biggest fan being there is gonna make u go into overdrive.........ur gonna beast out........

CAMILLA: ion know if the other team is gonna stand a chance

NARLA: PERISH, ASSHOLE.

NARLA: Of course you can come! :)!

ZI: !!!

CAMILLA: WELCOM TO MY F U CK HO US E

MADENA: we have banini...and avocaidi…

HUGHES: Perish

ZI: perish

NARLA: Perish.

MADENA: Oh worm? Permission granted?

ZI: MADS NO

HUGHES: N O

ZI: mmmmmMMMAAAAAAAAAAA

STEPHANI: God, same.

HUGHES: What's going on in Louisiana? ):

NARLA: They keep raising the prom fee as though we're made of money. Lmao.

JUSTINE: I mean, Narla will be fine, she’s actually made of money,,, but like, not many other people will be.

ZI: LMAO.

MADENA: Zi ):

ZI: im sorry im sorry I just

NARLA: I'll pay for you to go. I'll pay for any of you, if you need it. It's not like we're using it for much, at home.

CAMILLA: ,,, Narla,,, ur mom

NARLA: Irrelevant.

MADENA: godiwishthatwereme.png

CAMILLA: aight……………………..

ZI: id die for Narla but whatever

HUGHES: You're at her game, aren't u

ZI: …no

HUGHES: …

ZI: …yes

ZI: Hughes her thighs...her calves….me gay

MADENA: I heard gay what's goin on

MADENA: oh its just z nvm

ZI: thighs.mp4

ZI: look at her go!

CAMILLA: ive come from the court to tell u that you are Definitely in the wrong chat

MADENA: ho-o-oly shit

CAMILLA: i got her phone lmao y'all secrets safe w me

CAMILLA: just deleted those messages have fun in pineville bye

HUGHES: Isn't that actually a place in Louisiana

HUGHES: Cami?

ZI: she's back on the court but yeah it is

ZI: holy shit I owe Camilla my entire life im going to the T3 Group Chat

HUGHES: real paranoia hours

HUGHES: if u up alone at 3:10 in the morning

HUGHES: hearing things, seeing things, and overthinking ur relationships

HUGHES: slam that mf like

HUGHES: this is so stupid like wow I love. feeling this way. Fave. 10 out of fuckign 10 i lobe iy

HUGHES: I need tk pee but im svared tk adn no ones up i catn

CAMILLA: oh shit

CAMILLA: ok okay im up right now, I'm here right now, I need you to take deep breaths for me

HUGHES: catn’

CAMILLA: can I call u

HUGHES: yehh

ZI: oh no

NARLA: Hughes, are you okay, now? I'm sorry that I wasn't awake when you needed someone. ):

CAMILLA: they asleep rn but I think they r ok for rn

CAMILLA: has this happened before zi

ZI: not to this extent

ZI: sometimes he does focus extensively on everything around him and it makes him anxious

NARLA: Maybe this should wait until Hughes says that we have his permission to talk about this.

CAMILLA: yeah

HUGHES: last night was a shit show

HUGHES: my bad

MADENA: Are u ok now?

ZI: ^

NARLA: ^

CAMILLA: ^

JUSTINE: ^

STEPHANI: ^

HUGHES: Yeah thanks

HUGHES: Camilla made me take sleep medicine and i pretty much passed out soon after lmao

CAMILLA: Sleep > Being Awake lmao

MADENA: mood

ZI: ......everybody wants to be a cat.....

HUGHES: oh my god not again

ZI: aS quare witha horn makes u wish u werent born evertime he plays

MADENA: Oh A Rinky Tinky Tinky!

ZI: with a square in the act! u can set musci back! to the caveman days!

NARLA: Oh, a rinky tinky tinyk!

HUGHES: This is torture you’re all doing ths knowing it was my fave song to play in jazz band end me

MADENA: 👀 👀 👀

Narla: RIP...It was my fault, I wanted to watch The Aristocats.........

HUGHES: Perish, Narla Miaro.

NARLA: Fuck you, Hughes.

STEPHANI: atthepool.png

STEPHANI: shes so fuckgin beautiful shes wearng this bikini and shes like fuckign aphrodite or sme shit

JUSTINE: END THIS

JUSTINE: prety.png

JUSTINE: LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIEND SHE DESERVES THE WORLD SHES GIGGLIN

NARLA: God, can you imagine if I had let the two of you pine any longer than you did?

ZI: this is so gay and cute

MADENA: Justine where do u find ur swimsuits and Steph u look gorgeous end me please

JUSTINE: blush.png

JUSTINE: shes blushing ths is so cute

JUSTINE: Also i just got them at waly worl

MADENA: bless ur photogenic souls for telling me

CAMILLA: U do it for he

NARLA: And you would do it, again.

CAMILLA: You do it for she and now u say

NARLA: You do it for he.

HUGHES: One day is all I ask

HUGHES: Sometimes I forget that the moment Euthymia left the house for college, she changed from a subtle gay to a vindictive gay.

MADENA: God my sister is so fucking iconic mom was like “i dont support that in my house” AS THOUGH I DONT EXIST IN THE BOUNDARIES OF THE HOME BUT ANYWAY Euthymia shruges and is like “im not in your house so lmao watch this” AND KISSES AGATHA RIGHT IN F R O N T OF HER hhfkrk

ZI: im lauhing

HUGHES: Shes not at her mom’s house rn she came to bring something to me for Mads and she’s sporting an undercut and a lot of lgbt pride pins AND a lot of really clever enamel pins too i envy her

HUGHES: She??? Also has??? A scar on her eyebrow???

HUGHES: I ASKED WHY AND SHE SAID “YOU SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUY”

MADENA: TELL HR TO STAY PUT IM C O M I N G I GOTTA SEE THIS

ZI: send a pic when u get there i wanna see

EUTHYMIA: inspiring my lgacy to be vindictive gays lmao

AGATHA: im lauhfing Zi just texted me and told me that Hughes called you a vindictive gay

EUTHYMIA: im so happy that im able to be ths way

EUTHYMIA: but i want them to wait until they’re super safe until they even think about following the near vicinity of my footsteps

AGATHA: you aren’t even super safe but i get wht ur sayin

AGATHA: I love you, Euthymia Nadine.

EUTHYMIA: I love you, too, Alaris

AGATHA: oooh my last name hot

EUTHYMIA: end it

HUGHES: That freshman is going to get in a fight this afternoon

MADENA: ?

HUGHES: sorry the thought just came to me

MADENA: Hughes,,,

HUGHES: I was right,,,,,,what the fc

ZI: oh thats like when Madena said something about ancient greec andt he teacher was like “nuh uh” but when he searched it up it was true

ZI: but Madena didnt know how they got it right it just randomyl popped up in their mind

CAMILLA: Physics can suck my asshole

HUGHES: Oh?

MADENA: *Hughes voice* oh, you haven’t heard?

CAMILLA: i die

HUGHES: I tutor in physics

MADENA: hes not gonna ask you to pay which is why u should

CAMILLA: I DONT CARE AS LONG AS I PASSED THESE FINALS WHATS YOUR FUCING PAYPAL

HUGHES: meet me in the PMs

MADENA: this is so fucking funny hey @Narla d o u need help with physics

NARLA: No.

MADENA: god i wish that were me

ZI: god i wish that were me

ZI: :0!

MADENA: O: twinsies

#oc #narla #madena #hughes #camilla #justine #stephani #sea serpent #oracle duo #robocop #my writing

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