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ace-thinks · 3 years

Text

I’m not in love with you.

But since knowing you, I feel like I understand love songs for the first time.

I’m not in love with you.

But every second I’m with you I swear the world gets warmer.

I’m not in love with you.

But I’m jealous of everyone who gets to spend time with you.

I’m not in love with you.

But I wish we could be together forever.

I’m not in love with you.

But every time we say goodbye I start figuring out excuses to see you again.

I’m not in love with you.

But it’s hard not to stare at you when you’re around.

I’m not in love with you.

But damn I wish I were in love with you.

And that you were in love with me.

And that it could be that simple.

Because then I would know what to do with all this love that I do have for you.

We would know the steps to this dance and we would do it together and it would be beautiful and then maybe it would end but it would be beautiful anyway because it would have happened and isn’t that a miracle?

And I’ve tried to learn that dance before—the one I’ve seen so many other people do. I swear to God I have. But I just can’t hear the music.

So, for now I’ll sit. And I’ll watch you find people who can hear it. And I’ll clap while you twirl with them and I’ll cheer for every dip and spin.

And in the meantime I’ll keep listening. For a single note, a chord, a melody—anything. Not because I care about the music or even the dance.

But because I love you.

I’m just not in love with you.

#can you tell im going through it right now lmao #not even sure if this makes sense but here it is nonetheless #aroace #aromantic #aro #aromanticsm #asexual #ace #asexuality #queer #honestly maybe this applies more broadly tbh #who knows

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horizonwalkers · 4 years

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ranger abilities that can stay (drawing this from Base Ranger w/ UA variants applied)

Favored Foe - A great upgrade on Favored Enemy tbh, makes it more broadly applicable and useful

Deft Explorer - GREAT survivalist options that scale as you level although Canny does kinda step on Rogue’s toes.

Primal Awareness - same kind of deal! but i don’t think giving rangers free uses of spells Unfucks how limiting their spellcasting is

Land’s Stride is actually alright!

ranger abilities that can go

Hide in Plain Sight & Fade Away - I know wotc tried to fix this with Hide Away but honestly turning Invisible for 1 round isn’t? That?? Great?? As a 10th lvl feature? and i’m pretty sure. Firbolgs get this. As a Racial Trait. (the only difference is that u can attack when invisible as a ranger)

Vanish — hide as a bonus action this late in the game sucks. You can just multiclass into rogue and you’ve got way earlier. Boooo. I do like immunity to being able tracked unless you leave a trail but maybe you should be able to apply this to your Party as well and mask your group!

Feral Senses - doesn’t really make that much sense and is worded really poorly

Foe Slayer - IS okay??? It is a really good combat boost but i feel like Ranger needs this EARLIER to keep up with high level fighters, rogues, and any casters.

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thisnerdsadventures · 3 years

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2020 is over (finally)

So obviously 2020 was a bit of a shitshow and everyone is eagerly awaiting 2021 as if it will automatically grant us mercy because of the hellhole that 2020 was. Honestly - same, I really have such low expectations for 2021 that they make my 2020 resolutions seem like such high reaches.

Even though 2020 was ... 2020, I still feel like I did accomplish to some extent my goals for the year. I didn’t write them out on this blog, but I think broadly, my goals were

to work out more - I definitely think I did this on and off. Like many, I took up running, and actually stuck with it for a while, so I’m very happy about that. I think I’ll keep that as a goal for 2021, and probably every year, otherwise I won’t actually keep myself accountable on it lol

to follow through on things more - this was the high key most vague goal I have ever published on the internet omg, but I think this was in reference to how I always flake on my hobbies halfway through, like if I’m trying to learn a language or write music or actually learn photography skills. I think I did accomplish this - my Duolingo streak is up to 200 (though not in Mandarin smh) and I dropped my mixtape a few days ago. I think I would say I did a good job here.

advocate or something?????? - something something Amplify!!?!??!? there was definitely a very solid attempt here, and i have no idea what this was referring to anyways, but I definitely feel like this is a long-term goal for the next 5, 10 years regardless.

How the year went:

Honestly in the beginning of it all, I wasn’t feeling 2020 very much. There was a lot going on in my life, and I wasn’t feeling my classes. I think I just needed a bit of a shakeup. And then there was a shakeup, and I was like, “no, not that kind of shakeup.” And then we went home, and then I graduated from college, I interned at Google again, I started my MEng in Cambridge, had fun with my friends, got a full-time job for next year, went home again for the winter, and now we’re here.

For better or worse, the main theme of this year was definitely “reflection” - a whole ton of it. With so much time at home, I had a lot of time to think and overthink everything in my life, past present and future. I thought about my friends from years past and why we didn’t talk anymore. I reflected a lot on my MIT years, how I wish I had made a couple key decisions very differently, and how that would’ve affected my present. I thought about all the things I should’ve done. I thought about who I was, and how I changed, and how it took me years to finally find a skin I was comfortable in. I thought about my current friends and whether they’d stick around. I thought really hard about how I treated other people and how they treated me, and whether that was ok. I journaled a lot, and read a lot of poetry to find answers, and failed to find them. I thought about whether I’d have friends in the future. I thought about whether people were supposed to feel alone in this world, or whether I’d find a home in New York, where I’m going next year.

And I changed a lot of my expectations from life - after some time, finally I started to expect less of myself in a time where getting things done is literally impossible sometimes. From other people, I expected less, and am unsure how to feel about reaching that conclusion, whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. From life, I expected it to give me nothing and to throw everything bad possible in my way, because for a while, it seemed like that’s what it was trying to do. (That actually sounds really depressing, but it means that I started making the moves to make my life better on my own, and I don’t stop anymore to wait for the universe to magically make it happen.)

A lot of this reflection surrounded events in my life - finally, mentally letting go of people in the past (i.e. giving up on them lol), losing a friendship, feeling incredible loneliness and anxiety during the pandemic, failing to find fulfillment in my research. I wonder if COVID didn’t happen, if 2020 would’ve gotten better for me. I think a lot about how I was supposed to go to Europe, go to Michigan, go to New York, visit DC, Seattle, Chicago, etc. I think a lot about if COVID didn’t happen, would I still have the friends I had, would I still have made the friends I did, would my expectations of myself and others have changed in the ways they did? I don’t know. My mental health would probably not be in shambles though. I’d probably sleep easier at night. To be honest, I think a lot about this post, and I have no real, solid conclusions about 2020, it was a very rough year, and the only thing I can say is “I’m glad I’m alive, and that’s all the good I need to extract out of it.”

But of course, there were some pretty key highlights that still happened, so I’ll just bullet that here

I interned at MSFT! Everyone was very very nice, though it fully cemented the fact that I absolutely do not want to do data analytics, ever

I took this negotiation class, which will likely be the peak class I took at MIT, which is fine tbh. Honestly wish I took more adventurous classes at MIT, but that’s a topic to dissect another day

I actually got published this year lol, first authored a paper, I sometimes forget about this [x]

I spent like literally 80 hours helping my friend campaign for the undergrad assoc election over 2 weeks, which was a really strange tangent in my life

I graduated!! from MIT!! What a dream <3 honestly still shocked they accepted me

I became the CTO of amplify, our nonprofit org

I interned at google cloud and absolutely rocked my internship project

I chaired for the alibaba committee for mitmunc china (virtual)

I started my Masters program

I joined this new club on campus, which is our campus chapter of the google developer student club, which is really just me refusing to actually ever leave google

I became an interviewer for MIT

I got like 6 job offers and accepted an offer to work at Stripe next year!

I dropped a mixtape lol and have some exciting stuff planned in a couple weeks re:music if things go through

Ah, I should have some goals for next year:

graduate with my Masters! can be from Killian, or from living room. I have an entire photo shoot with my friends for grad pics and you know I have an entire countdown waiting for the day I can post those pictures

continue to learn languages! because what else am i going to do with my time. maybe this will finally be the year i learn mandarin....... nope that’s setting the bar too high

read more! I should read more. I really should because it is embarrassing how little I read. I should really read more. I should have a goal of reading 12 books next year ! Yes, we are setting the goal low, but again, low expectations!

Actually, I also want to apply to some MBA programs, so I’m writing that down here to manifest it

See my friends again - I have pretty reasonable hopes that 2021 will let us at some point see each other, whether it be during the spring, the summer, the winter, maybe exactly one year from now on 12/31/21, idk, but it will happen! Manifest that

Make like 2 friends..... ok make one (1) new friend.,,,,,

Let go of old things from 2020 that I miss or wish would happen. Open myself to new things.

please, please 2021, be better lol

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reyneclaw · 6 years

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so it’s kind of like an actual journey back in time, to the 80s or maybe even 70s + the internet. and the iron curtain. no starbucks or h&m here, most international companies won’t work with us, so if you need stuff from them, you have to orderr it from the ‘mainland’ aka either russia or ukraine and it understandably comes overpriced. on the other hands there are lots of brands that are hard to find in russia? and they’re just as good or sometimes better? the two points that are an inconvenience to me, are essence cosmetics (yes, i use makeup occasionally, and i’m an essence addict, that’s sure not advertising i don’t work for them) so i have to stock up on vacations. and vegan milk/tofu/all these vegan foods, regular supermarkets don’t usually have them. i’ve been told there is a small vegan store but i haven’t checked it yet, so you have to either order vegan food or look for a special store. you’d think we have more serious problems. and it’s.. quiet? and forgive me the word, peaceful, like a small 70s town, we’ve forgotten the word for traffic jam tbh. 3x less population in roughly the same area than in 2012. and people are.. less distant? not necessarily more friendly, just.. it’s the cultural norm to have a smaller personal space bubble, i wouldn’t go for hugs and kisses every day on every classmate but they taught me to enjoy that? ex. from today: a preschool girl on the bus with her mom, singing a soviet kids song. this honestly made me smile so wide i complimented the girl and thanked her mother for raising her right and so on. this would be unthinkable in spb because you keep quiet on public transport ffs and you don’t compliment strangers either. here it’s okay. might be a platitude, but we’re a community after all, war really ties people closer together. there are ‘dangerous’ and ‘safe’ neighborhoods, well, this concept was established in 2014 and slowly faded in 2017, it’s more of an honour badge now. yes, i live in a dangerous one, and mensch i used to take pride in that. ‘at least i’m not a coward’. tbh this idea is flaweed, it doesn’t take too much courage to get used to anything, it’s habit. courage is constantly facing new challenges (looking at you uni) and it’s south. like, the real south for someone born up north, talking 35C temperatures (i wear a black dress and tights in 30C, fear me), homemade wine, apricot trees usw. i remember bringing D here in 2016. she was my, QPP i guess. not a girlfriend. we kissed. we slept in the same bed, with pants on. we spent a night camping at the lake and stargazing. we shared music and secrets. i forgot hers, bc i’ve trained myself to forget secrets i’m trusted with. not my beer, as we germans say. the less you know. forgot mine too, except one. a lesson i was taught when i first came here. panic doesn’t help. running around screaming is the worst thing you can do in case of shtf. i think it applies.. broadly. it sure works for exams. and i told D. i almost forgot her face. but it was august, and we picked apricots and we were happy. idk if i’ll ever be contunously happy here. not my beer. if all goes well, i’m leaving in two years. but i suppose i can be fine here.

#personal #musings #omg i'm having a bout of feels again #we could never be together anyway we're too different #but she's a beautiful person and a gift to this world #no romo

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sweeneysays · 7 years

Video

youtube

Also, a fair warning that my ~*story time*~ got away from me, so I’m putting it under a cut. The tl;dr version that’s more broadly useful is:

job applications are learning opportunities and you should make sure you’re learning things as you go about it

your application should be a tailored narrative of your career trajectory

don’t sell yourself short or forget that you hold cards in the process as well

the goal is a good fit for everybody, and that includes you; not every job is going to be that good fit for you

but then, I’m not a hiring manager so, really, wtf do I know

(seriously, take everything I say for the anecdotal nonsense that it is)

I found the listing for my job here on Tumblr. At the time I was freelancing and mostly pretty happy with it, but since I wrote my MA thesis on Nerdfighteria and had always kind of wanted to get into video, this looked like a really cool opportunity to work on great stuff & learn a lot.

The application asked for a reel, which I did not have, since I was mostly doing Virtual Assistant work at that time.

A huge part of why I applied was because I thought the application process itself would be a great learning opportunity.

I really didn’t expect to get the job. I can’t stress this part enough. Like, really didn’t even think I’d get an interview.

The whole thing, to me, was just a good exercise. It had been a while since I had applied for anything (I was freelancing on referrals from the get-go) and mostly I was eager to see what, exactly, I could put together in lieu of a reel.

I spent a week working my way through some Lynda lessons on After Effects (this wasn’t my first time using it, but I had only used it for suuuuper basic stuff). Much of what is happening in this video is stuff I figured out how to do while I was making it. That was, again, the point.

I bought a shit ton of green fabric. I rounded up all the lamps I could find. I had a vague knowledge of the fact that shadows = bad for keying, but really knew fuck all about lights. (tbh, lighting is still kind of a mysterious magic trick to me.) I spent probably an hour moving the lamps around, standing in front of them, recording it, and then looking at it until I could find what looked the least shadow-y.

I also watched a SciShow video on the slowest speed setting so that I could try to reverse engineer the basics of what was happening. I was literally just looking at it to see, “ok, but can I do that?” (Answer: not really, but A for effort.)

I wrote a very silly script that was a very carefully selected understanding of how I had been spending my time. This part is super important and broadly applicable whenever you are applying for a job: a huge part of applying for a job is creating a narrative.

(Important note: this does not mean lying.)

Obviously your life has (probably) not actually been a series of carefully chosen moments leading you to this ONE. JOB. But it’s important to find ways to talk about the things you’ve done that highlight how/why they are relevant. In my experience, humans have a pretty natural tendency to do this narrative reframing of their past as having led them clearly to their future. Use that. What is the version of your trajectory that most sounds like you’ve been gearing up for this job all along, acquiring skills both obvious and unexpected that would be useful here.

That’s the guiding principle of everything I’m saying in this video.

It’s also worth noting, though, that I laid my cards on the table. That is, I wasn’t trying to lie about anything and I was up front about where I was at. It wouldn’t have served anybody to try to be misleading about that fact.

So that was the application process, for me. It’s a tricky balance of being honest but also a carefully selected kind of honest. And keeping in mind that this is as much about deciding whether a company is actually good fit for you as whether you’re a good fit for them. I remember during my college admissions process, one school that I thought I really wanted to go to had a weird religious essay on the form that caught me off guard and made me reevaluate whether that was a good fit. Likewise, I honestly wasn’t sure if I wanted to do the 9-5 thing. Freelancing had lots of great perks that offset some of the overwhelming stress.

Something else that I did, that I recommend with a very cautious asterisk, was googling the people interviewing me. Again, partially this was, “OK, I know these shows they make, and I know vlogbrothers videos, but who are all of the other people who I would spend my days with.”

I had no idea who Nick was before I started, because I never paid much attention to the credits. But he was the one who called me to arrange the interview, so I googled him and found a great interview he did about why Crash Course matters, and there were a few specific things he said that stood out to me as, “yes, this is also why I think this matters and why I want this job.”

The asterisk here is: don’t be creepy. It’s a hard line to walk, but, ya know, don’t talk about your interviewer’s swarm check-ins or whatever.

In my case, I knew that in addition to concentrating on that narrative of how and why I should end up here, I had these other points to hit on in the interview. Again, don’t lie. This isn’t about saying shit solely because you think someone wants to hear it; this was about leveraging a piece of common ground I knew we had.

Lastly, I’d add that it’s good to be careful about how you walk the line between being excited about a company’s work and being a little overzealous. It is, at the end of the day, still a job, and you don’t want to come across as so enthusiastic that maybe you’re missing that point. That’s a really nuanced thing for which I have no easy answers.

A lot of this stuff is just luck. I gave a lot of advice where I could, but, at the same time, there’s also this weird combination of personalities that make a thing work or not. There’s a thing in hiring called the “airport test” which is: “could I be stuck in an airport with this person?” and that is a whole other weird, wholly qualitative element of hiring that ends up making a huge difference.

There’s the official bits and pieces that make up a job application, but then there’s the trickier interpersonal stuff about how that job fits into a team. Something not explicitly stated in my application, but which I’ve since learned mattered is that what I lacked in technical know-how, I made up for in cultural knowledge about YouTube. My manager is a former film school teacher who learned the YouTube stuff on the job; he knew he could teach me anything technical I didn’t know much more easily than he could teach someone the culture in which we create.

IDK. I could legitimately talk about this forever.

#ex-queue-se you #about me #work #rambling #job hunting

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lovesaee · 7 years

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I made a Twitter thread a while ago about applying for jobs and I also got an ask about some of the specifics about how I wound up here, so in spite of the fact that this video makes me C R I N G E, I’m gonna share it and we’re gonna do some STORY TIME. Mostly this is me sharing the specifics of my own, personal story but maybe there’s some broadly useful stuff in here, idk. Also, a fair warning that my ~*story time*~ got away from me, so I’m putting it under a cut. The tl;dr version that’s more broadly useful is: job applications are learning opportunities and you should make sure you’re learning things as you go about it your application should be a tailored narrative of your career trajectory don’t sell yourself short or forget that you hold cards in the process as well the goal is a good fit for everybody, and that includes you; not every job is going to be that good fit for you but then, I’m not a hiring manager so, really, wtf do I know (seriously, take everything I say for the anecdotal nonsense that it is) I found the listing for my job here on Tumblr. At the time I was freelancing and mostly pretty happy with it, but since I wrote my MA thesis on Nerdfighteria and had always kind of wanted to get into video, this looked like a really cool opportunity to work on great stuff & learn a lot. The application asked for a reel, which I did not have, since I was mostly doing Virtual Assistant work at that time. A huge part of why I applied was because I thought the application process itself would be a great learning opportunity. I really didn’t expect to get the job. I can’t stress this part enough. Like, really didn’t even think I’d get an interview. The whole thing, to me, was just a good exercise. It had been a while since I had applied for anything (I was freelancing on referrals from the get-go) and mostly I was eager to see what, exactly, I could put together in lieu of a reel. I spent a week working my way through some Lynda lessons on After Effects (this wasn’t my first time using it, but I had only used it for suuuuper basic stuff). Much of what is happening in this video is stuff I figured out how to do while I was making it. That was, again, the point. I bought a shit ton of green fabric. I rounded up all the lamps I could find. I had a vague knowledge of the fact that shadows = bad for keying, but really knew fuck all about lights. (tbh, lighting is still kind of a mysterious magic trick to me.) I spent probably an hour moving the lamps around, standing in front of them, recording it, and then looking at it until I could find what looked the least shadow-y. I also watched a SciShow video on the slowest speed setting so that I could try to reverse engineer the basics of what was happening. I was literally just looking at it to see, “ok, but can I do that?” (Answer: not really, but A for effort.) I wrote a very silly script that was a very carefully selected understanding of how I had been spending my time. This part is super important and broadly applicable whenever you are applying for a job: a huge part of applying for a job is creating a narrative. (Important note: this does not mean lying.) Obviously your life has (probably) not actually been a series of carefully chosen moments leading you to this ONE. JOB. But it’s important to find ways to talk about the things you’ve done that highlight how/why they are relevant. In my experience, humans have a pretty natural tendency to do this narrative reframing of their past as having led them clearly to their future. Use that. What is the version of your trajectory that most sounds like you’ve been gearing up for this job all along, acquiring skills both obvious and unexpected that would be useful here. That’s the guiding principle of everything I’m saying in this video. It’s also worth noting, though, that I laid my cards on the table. That is, I wasn’t trying to lie about anything and I was up front about where I was at. It wouldn’t have served anybody to try to be misleading about that fact. So that was the application process, for me. It’s a tricky balance of being honest but also a carefully selected kind of honest. And keeping in mind that this is as much about deciding whether a company is actually good fit for you as whether you’re a good fit for them. I remember during my college admissions process, one school that I thought I really wanted to go to had a weird religious essay on the form that caught me off guard and made me reevaluate whether that was a good fit. Likewise, I honestly wasn’t sure if I wanted to do the 9-5 thing. Freelancing had lots of great perks that offset some of the overwhelming stress. Something else that I did, that I recommend with a very cautious asterisk, was googling the people interviewing me. Again, partially this was, “OK, I know these shows they make, and I know vlogbrothers videos, but who are all of the other people who I would spend my days with.” I had no idea who Nick was before I started, because I never paid much attention to the credits. But he was the one who called me to arrange the interview, so I googled him and found a great interview he did about why Crash Course matters, and there were a few specific things he said that stood out to me as, “yes, this is also why I think this matters and why I want this job.” The asterisk here is: don’t be creepy. It’s a hard line to walk, but, ya know, don’t talk about your interviewer’s swarm check-ins or whatever. In my case, I knew that in addition to concentrating on that narrative of how and why I should end up here, I had these other points to hit on in the interview. Again, don’t lie. This isn’t about saying shit solely because you think someone wants to hear it; this was about leveraging a piece of common ground I knew we had. Lastly, I’d add that it’s good to be careful about how you walk the line between being excited about a company’s work and being a little overzealous. It is, at the end of the day, still a job, and you don’t want to come across as so enthusiastic that maybe you’re missing that point. That’s a really nuanced thing for which I have no easy answers. A lot of this stuff is just luck. I gave a lot of advice where I could, but, at the same time, there’s also this weird combination of personalities that make a thing work or not. There’s a thing in hiring called the “airport test” which is: “could I be stuck in an airport with this person?” and that is a whole other weird, wholly qualitative element of hiring that ends up making a huge difference. There’s the official bits and pieces that make up a job application, but then there’s the trickier interpersonal stuff about how that job fits into a team. Something not explicitly stated in my application, but which I’ve since learned mattered is that what I lacked in technical know-how, I made up for in cultural knowledge about YouTube. My manager is a former film school teacher who learned the YouTube stuff on the job; he knew he could teach me anything technical I didn’t know much more easily than he could teach someone the culture in which we create. IDK. I could legitimately talk about this forever.

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