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#honestly the internet has ruined this important term for me
bonesandthebees · 30 days
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I'm not sure if any of this is as important to say as I feel like it is, but just in case, here it is.
Idk about you, but I'm really tired of having things taken from me because the cc's were abusive. I say this with an emphasis on the fact that supporting their victims and condemning their actions is far more important, that I'm not giving that man a single cent anymore. The most important thing the community can do is support the people he hurt. But It's still gonna hurt to purge my playlist because we, as a community, were lied to. And something I derived comfort from, especially in the wake of recent personal events, has been taken from me. Not by the community or by the people coming out; by him and his actions.
So seriously thank you for creating a space for people to talk about what's going on, because it's so easy to feel guilty right now for having feelings about this situation. Especially as a neurodivergent person whose main comfort is music, including music (and YouTube videos) he made.
I just feel like it's important to put this out there. The community as a whole needs to support the victims, but it's also okay to feel betrayed and it's okay to look at his songs in your playlist, dreading deleting them, for a while. No one will hate you for that. You're not a bad person for that. They're just songs or videos, but they're content that mattered to some of us. How dare he ruin that for all of us. How dare he.
Now that I've written a whole entire novel, please take care of yourself. I know I'm an internet stranger but I almost didn't write this because I think that it's important to emphasize that while I'm glad to see Tumblr users creating a space to talk for those of us who don't post and such, I also think it's way more important that your blog be a safe space for you yourself.
- a rambly anon 🪐
yeah, trust me, I'm fucking sick of this too. you're not selfish for feeling upset about deleting his songs from your playlist or not being able to watch vods of his for comfort anymore. you are not a bad person for having an attachment to someone who lied to his audience about who he was. you are human. you are allowed to be upset.
also, to veer slightly from your point but to bring something else up, while I know there are varying opinions on the community in this I personally don't think I want to let this make me stop hoping for people to be good. yes, it might seem like an endless pattern of people you like being revealed to be assholes. and for some people, they might want to leave the community to avoid that disappointment again. for me, I'm not going to put cc's up on a pedestal and expect them to be great people, but I'm not going to expect the worst from them either. keep my expectations realistic, but not pessimistic. content creators are flawed human beings like the rest of us, and sometimes they can be really shitty people, but sometimes they can be good people too. and I'm always going to hope for the latter.
and thank you for thinking of me. honestly the reason I've slowed down answering asks the past few days is precisely because I've been trying to take care of myself. I've gone up and down in terms of how I'm doing, and when I'm not feeling up to it I don't touch my inbox.
and despite everything that's happened this morning, I've had a good day. I got myself a cinnamon roll. I'm drinking green tea and it's sunny out. I saw flowers blooming on the side of the road and it made me smile. focusing on the little things, you know?
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uncle-fruity · 1 year
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sorry i just saw ur post abt singing voices + T and like , yeah !! i think it really doesn’t help that right now the ppl most vocal abt sharing transitions are at most 1.5 yrs in, when yeah ur shits all over the place. i been on T for 4 years now n i have my full range back - all my old high notes + extra low ones. ik the internet is bad for this but ppl really need to seek out info from sources which aren’t just the most visible, post-pandemic transes lol
Sorry, I'm just now getting to this!
I honestly think most of the fearmongering comes from TERFs and some of that rhetoric seeps into our community by targeting isolated, angry, afraid transmascs & exacerbating transmed/truscum ideology. I also think a lot of it has to do with projecting personal insecurities onto the whole community. Like... I have this theory that a lot of the usual fearmongering (ruining your voice, warnings of body hair & baldness as if they're bad things, becoming smelly etc), when it's not being pushed by TERFs, comes from transmascs who already had pre-existing self esteem issues that they're having trouble working through even after going on HRT.
I mean, in addition to just regular dysphoria that a lot of people feel, I think there's a lot of focus on appearance and youth in some cultures (certainly in the mainstream culture surrounding me) - especially if you were raised with the expectations of femininity on your shoulders. People are afraid of being undesirable and ruined, but the real fix for this is to be kinder to ourselves and understand that aging happens (balding, thicker body hair, wrinkles all a possibility) and attractiveness is subjective. Like, I think bald chubby hairy men are sexy as hell, but that's not the narrative that gets pushed in the mainstream. Unfortunately, a lot of folks seem to internalize their fears and convince themselves that the fearmongering talking points are real, falsely attributing those talking points to their own experience with T. Essentially, blaming the hormone for their dissatisfaction instead of examining their personal insecurities & doubts & the culture surrounding them and how that might change their self-perception and their perception about what it means to medically transition.
It's a nuanced thing. It comes from all sides, but I try not to blame our own too harshly, as I consider them victims of anti-trans and body-negative propaganda. I simply encourage everyone to not conflate personal body concerns with the reality of what it means to take T. I don't recommend starting T unless you're ready to accept all the changes that could come with it. And I don't recommend getting your information about HRT from just any old chucklefuck -- see what people who have been on the hormone for an extended period of time have to say about it.
And, to your point, I think it's so important for people newly on T to practice patience and not speak as experts on the full process when they haven't gone through it yet. It can be hard especially if you're younger and you've been told (INACCURATELY) that transitioning is something that needs to happen on a specific timeline. But I'm (a little over) 1 and a half years in and I know that I'm still coming into my beautiful "new" body. I've talked to enough long term T users that I have faith my voice will settle and I can retrain my singing just like any other skill. As well as other concerns I might have if I was convinced things happen quicker than they're actually going to.
Anyway, sorry to go off! It's just what I do haha
tl;dr: don't trust any old rando on the internet for HRT advice (especially if there's no way to confirm they're actually trans people & not just terfs pretending to be trans under the anonymity of the internet). Be kinder to your body no matter how it changes.
Thanks for the ask!
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For the ask game, 3-7-11-12! :)
3. What’s your favorite/least favorite quality about yourself; why?:
I actually don’t have a quality I feel pretty confident about; I’m rather neutral to myself 🫠 But that’s honestly probably one of the qualities I don’t like about me: I constantly doubt myself and that winds up self-sabotaging. I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily my least favorite because I have multiple traits about myself that I dislike and need to work on, but it’s the most relevant I think.
7. Would you ever cheat on someone?:
Why, are we trying to make a thing happen? Of course I’m going to say no. I don’t think anyone would admit to that. But I’m of the belief that because life is so uncertain and zigs when you expect a zag, you can never truly confirm certain decisions or occurrences. Personally, I don’t think I could ever cheat: On average, it’s pretty selfish and, even when you don’t mean for it to be, it’s basically a means of hurting your partner. Even if your relationship isn’t living up to your expectations, there’s probably multiple ways to go about it besides being unfaithful.
But that being said, who knows what kind of person I’ll be in the future? If a relationship is bad enough, could bad enough decisions be made under the justification that immediate and short-term happiness matters? Or will I become a self-serving, self-destructive numbskull like a certain Internet personality and actively ruin my life and career for a relationship that only serves me on a shallow level?
Who knows! All I can do is try and keep up the work of never stooping to that level or at least never having to.
11. What are your ambitions?:
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But in all seriousness, I wouldn’t call myself a particularly driven person (though friends and family may argue otherwise). I try to live simply and not ask for much so I don’t tend to see my wants as especially ambitious. But for now, what I really want is to find a fulfilling occupation/direction in life and to move out of this hellhole of a city but I’m pretty sure that’s what anyone could want, so it’s not particularly riveting or anything 😅
If I think enough about it, a lot of my short-term ambitions/goals tend to be rather “domestic”-oriented, like learning how to sew or figuring out how to bake the perfect pie crust. Maybe understand the science of baking enough to create my own recipe from scratch. How to figure out taxes on my own, get over my fear of driving so I can actually learn how to. Things of that nature, y’know?
Oh, and learning to be more confident in myself, I can’t believe I nearly forgot that — And probably figuring out my whole identity situation. It’s been way too quiet on that end and I’m suspicious of the sudden inactivity 👀
12. 3 deal breakers in a relationship:
You mean besides obvious things like political affiliation, bigotry, lack of commitment etc?
Lack of communication. Last partner beefed this hardcore and I still get angry thinking about it years later because while I would stress how talking about things was important to me and he would seem to agree, he never actually carried out on it and left me to drag along the relationship, trying to instigate necessary conversations.
Be willfully ignorant and inconsiderate. It speaks for itself. I feel like how one treats service workers is coupled in here, also. Remember, kids (though there had better not be kids here), how somebody treats the waitstaff can say a lot about who they are as a person.
Being presumptuous. This one is kinda weird and admittedly has roots more towards my experiences working/being hit on, but I hate it when people assume things about me like wanting to have kids or that they’re entitled to have me. Granted, most of the former is from old folks borderlining senile and the latter is gross guys, but they still fit in the same box of irritations for me. Additionally, in the case of the guys, it becomes this whole sociological (??) discussion on attraction and the types of guys that tend to hit on me approaching me with this expectation that I inherently be attracted to them or must act a certain way because we share an ethnicity. (And when I say “act a certain way”, I mean the amount of times a guy has used certain words around me or felt comfortable enough talking about stuff they didn’t know if I was comfortable with is staggering. It makes for good stories, but not for good self-esteem if we’re being real.) It is the bane of my existence — or, at the very least, one of many.
Thanks for asking, hon!
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underthehedge · 3 years
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Can't believe Wikipedia made a callout post for spiders
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ordinaryschmuck · 3 years
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What I Thought About "Eda's Requiem" from The Owl House
Salutations, random people on the internet who certainly won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.
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...HOW IS SEASON TWO SO GOOD?! WE'VE HAD SEVEN EPISODES SO FAR, AND EACH ONE OF THEM WAS A HIT!
Take "Eda's Requiem," for example. It's yet another episode where I have NOTHING bad to say about it! That's two weeks in a row where that happened! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
HOW!
HOW!
...But anyways, "Eda's Requiem." It's another fantastic episode, and I'm about to dive into explaining how and why. Just keep in mind, it's gonna require spoilers to do so, so be wary of that as you keep reading.
Now, let's review, shall we?
WHAT I LIKED
Eda’s Checklist and Grom Photo: Within the first second, "Eda's Requiem" perfectly sets up Eda's central conflict in the episode. Despite spending years being on her own and looking after herself, she now has two kids that she's constantly caring over. Eda can try all she wants to say that she doesn't care, and I bet she has in the past. But given the hard work she's putting into getting King and Luz what they need and having a grom photo of the three of them together pinned in her mirror, it's pretty clear that those two knuckleheads wormed their way into her heart and are never getting out.
Eda’s Worried About King and Luz Leaving: And thus, that's precisely why something like this bothers her so much. Eda inadvertently adopted two rambunctious rapscallions (Yeah, I know. I'll get to it), so the idea of them not being around her anymore is going to be terrifying. That is a situation most parents, especially mothers, can identify with. It’s called empty nest syndrome and it proves just how much Eda loves Luz and King that she can't stand the thought of her babies leaving the nest. It's yet another well-made, wholesome, found-family moment that this series continues to excel at each week, making me extra excited for more like it to come...while also readying myself for heartbreak when one of them eventually does leave Eda.
Eda and Raine’s Music: Ok, I don't know the exact instruments that were played during this episode, but I also don't care because it was all (for lack of a better term) music to my ears. Every time Eda and Raine played resulted in melodies that are so beautiful and filled with so much emotion and feeling that I'm honestly tempted to listen to them again, multiple times, on repeat. Shows rarely do that for me, as background music doesn't always draw me in as much as lyrical songs do. Usually, it takes something so extraordinarily composed to give me the desire to listen again, and that's the case here. So huge congrats to Brad Breek for doing so. Seriously, the man's been killing it this season.
Eda’s Bard Magic Causing Things to Turn to Ash: This was assuredly a surprise side-effect of the curse. The fact that Eda can sort of do magic at all was its own shock. To then reveal that a specific type can do dangerous things to people and environments is...Well, it definitely brings up its own fair share of questions. Like, how can she do this? Will she do it again, one day? And are there other types of spells that can be negatively affected by Eda's curse? We don't get answers for any of these questions, and odds are, we never will. But that's alright with me. Because if a show makes me consider these many possibilities after a brief amount of time, it is a show that has to be doing something right. Even if I don't get the answers I want, the fact that it caused such a reaction makes me less willing to care.
Raine Whispers: Hey, would you look at that. Another fun, interesting, and compelling character added to the list of this shows' other fun, interesting, and compelling characters...how is this series so good at this!?
Joking aside, Raine's pretty good. I like Raine. They could have been this super serious leader who lost all their fun after years apart from Eda, but I'm glad that they're not. There are moments when Raine takes their job as leader of the BATs seriously, as one would, but I still prefer the fact that they kept a jovial nature despite how grim their situation is. It's an admirable trait to have, and it avoids the trope of making leader characters boring just because they're the ones who have to take things seriously.
Oh, and also, Raine's Disney's first non-binary character who has a stake in the plot. This is a tremendous deal, as you don't usually see that many non-binary characters in children's animation, let alone ones that hold importance to the story. So it's pretty cool for the writers to feature Raine, as it helps several kids feel as though they're finally seen and respected. And the fact that Disney of all companies gave the thumbs up is even more impressive. I hear people say that Dana Terrace should have pitched The Owl House to more progressive networks to avoid pushback, and while I absolutely see your point, I'll have to respectfully disagree. Disney is the largest entertainment industry of all time, so if you want to make LGBTQA+ representation normalized, you gotta stop making splashes and start making waves. Because if the same company that made three racist cats in the span of a few years manages to say that being gay is a-ok, then you know there's something wrong with you. Yes, Disney ended up screwing over the show anyway. But for that one moment, when kids felt pride after seeing a character like Raine, then, in the end, it's kind of worth it.
Also, if you're still having issues with more representation like this popping up in kids' shows, then allow me to redirect you to the complaint department.
...I made that post earlier today for this bit. YOU HAVE BETTER APPRECIATED IT!
Day of Unity is meant to be a Secret: At least, that's what I got when Raine stumbled over their own words. So if it's true, then I wonder why? Why does Belos want to keep the most critical change in the Boiling Isles a secret? Does he want to make it a surprise for his grateful subjects, or does he not want to spread worry and fear amongst the wild witches? It has to be something big if he doesn't want his followers to even say the words "Day of Unity." Whatever reason he has, we most likely won't know until the future. A future that I grow more and more afraid of each week.
Hooty Eating Echo Mouse: My heart sank in that brief moment when I thought that Hooty intensely screwed Luz over in getting back home. But looking back...it is pretty funny.
Just the suddenness of Hooty eating the poor creature that Luz desperately tried to earn its trust is priceless in how shocking it was. And also, Luz's expression.
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That was the look of a young girl who immediately shoved her hand down an owl demon's throat the second the scene cut away. The Owl House may not always be a hit in the comedy department, but scenes like this prove that when it's funny, it is hilarious.
Luz and King Entering the Grand Prix: Not much to discuss here. It's just a cute subplot that adds frivolity to the intensity of what's going on through Eda and Raine's story. But I will say that I love how both stories occasionally interconnect with each other through the many moments of Eda being worried about King wanting to leave to find his father and avoiding any conversation about it. It helps both plotlines feel like they belong together, without being something like "Through the Looking Glass Ruins," whereas both stories could have been in their own episode. Which is neat.
How Bard Magic Works: I really love how this season is diving into how the other magic types work. More specifically, the ones that seem a little vague. I mean, stuff like healing, potions, and plants are easy to figure out, but what does it mean when a witch's talents are construction, beast keeping, and bard magic? We've been getting a lot of clearing up lately, with bard magic looking like a witch can control their environments and enemies through the power of music. Which is fair. Music is pretty powerful in the metaphorical sense, and I actually love that it's powerful in the literal sense when in the Boiling Isles.
The BATs: Not much to comment on these three either. The BATs have the potential to have an entertaining dynamic, but they do very little in this episode that I can't say much other than I hope they make a return in the future. But I will make this claim: Amber is my favorite. I'm sorry, but her screaming "You're not our mom!" to then go, "Bye, mommy Eda" is just too precious for me not to love.
I'm a simple man who falls for cute s**t. Leave me alone.
Raeda (RainexEda): Well, EdaxCamila, you were a fun crack ship while it lasted, but I'm afraid that this is now goodbye. The current canon has provided an incredibly adorable and believable relationship that I would be a monster not to support with my whole bi-heart. It's been real.
Ok, back in serious mode: I love these two together. Eda and Raine are grown-ups, and they still act all flustered near each other as if they were still Luz and Amity's age. It's definitive proof that you're never too old to get flustered near a crush, and seeing them interact adds a sense of wholesomeness when seeing them together as well as heartbreak when they're forced apart. Plus, we get confirmation that Eda's LGBTQA+! Whether she's bi, pan, or whatever, now that we know Eda can catch feelings for someone like Raine, it's yet another case that The Owl House is the most important series to the community. Because having the main character be queer is fantastic in its own right. But having the same apply to the motherly mentor figure? That's is an extra bit of normalization that anybody would be willing to appreciate.
Unique Guard Designs: Not many fans are going to appreciate this, primarily compared to everything else this episode does perfectly. For me, I actually like that you see a few Coven Guards looking differently from the others, as it helps make them less like clones and makes it seem like anybody of any body type could be a part of the coven.
Gus Looking Uninterested when Presenting Grand Prix with his Dad: I am positive that you didn't notice this (I didn't even notice it until someone else pointed it out), but there's something to dissect here. It hints that perhaps Gus isn't as interested in his father's field of work as one might think. If he did, he would look a lot less bored and much more excited to be helping Perry Porter present the race. It could just be the race itself, but judging from Gus' expression, it really seems like the kid would prefer to be anywhere but there. And why would he have that reaction to a race that his best friend is competing in? To me, this seems like an inkling of what Gus' relationship with Perry could be, which may not actually get time to shine, what with how little wiggle room the series has now (Thanks Disney). Regardless, it is interesting to notice, and it will certainly have fans thinking for a while.
Bump Being Smug of Luz Being in the Lead: That's it. Principal Bump looking smug as his human student is beating the students of his rivals is yet another moment that proves why Bump is easily the best cartoon principal.
Darius: First of all, this guy is f**king fabulous, and I love him. *Snaps*
Second, he is definitive proof that you do NOT want to f**k around with Coven Leaders. Lilith may have had her intimidating moments, but none of them compare to the guy who can turn himself into an abomination monster where only magic that hasn't existed before can take him down. It's genuinely scary to see Darius lose control, and I fear for the day when Luz inevitably ends up in his crosshairs.
With that said, Darius' still a ton of fun! He may be threatening, but he's just a flamboyant guy that hates the idea of getting his outfit the tiniest bit dirty. And I love that. I love that these Coven Heads have actual personalities instead of being generically evil. I consider it preferable to make villains entertaining rather than blatantly scary as I'll remember the personalities first and the villainous acts last.
Eberwolf: But this one's my favorite. I told you: I'm a simple man who gets easily swayed by cute s**t. And Eber? I mean, just look at her:
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She's just a cute widdle rascal! I just want to pinch her cheeks, give her a belly rub, and--
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...Eberwolf is not a cute widdle rascal. She is a strong, independent woman, and I will respect her as such from this moment forward...lest I feel her wrath.
That is all. Let's move on.
Eda and Raine Attempting a Final Performance: This was the best scene of the episode. It looked gorgeous, it shows the dedication Eda and Raine have for stopping Belos, and it says so much through so little. Go back and look at how Eda and Raine regard one another when performing Eda's requiem. Through their expressions and a few short words, you know they understand that if they complete the song/spell, they probably won't make it in the end. And yet, they don't care. They both know bad stuff will happen if Belos wins, so Eda and Raine put everything to the side, both their feelings for one another and the people they leave behind if it means putting an end to a tyrant. That level of dedication...Words can't fully describe how powerful that is.
Raine Sacrificing Themselves Instead: But in the end, Raine can't do it. Not when they know the life that Eda has and the people she'll be leaving behind. It's an extra bit of nobleness to the character seeing that Raine refuses to take away a woman from two kids who need her the most. A tad bit selfish, sure, knowing what Belos has planned. But when it comes to love, the romantic, familial, or platonic, the best decisions aren't always the logical ones.
Eda Crying: Luz crying tears me up, but seeing Eda cry is a whole different level of heartbreak. Like Lilith, Eda has her emotions locked up tight, with the closest she came to weeping were those two tears in "Young Blood, Old Souls." In "Eda's Requiem," she cries but almost quickly stops herself. As if she knows that doing so isn't going to save Raine. That is...even worse than seeing Luz break down after losing Eda. The fact that Eda refuses to give herself time to mourn losing someone she loved is tragic because crying is the most natural way of showing grief. Turning that off isn't healthy, and seeing her do it with little resistance is sad to me. It's sad to see a character I love can easily shut off all emotions despite how badly she may want to embrace them. It's one of those moments that, again, by doing so little, it shows so much.
“No one watches Crystal Balls anymore. It’s all about streaming.”: Oof. Even I felt that burn towards cable.
King’s Message: King's message was the pick-me-up I needed after the heart-wrenching sadness this episode put me through a few minutes ago. Seeing King say who he is and listing all the things he loves is nothing short of adorable. On top of that, I adore that Eda willingly recorded the whole thing. She may not want King to leave, but that doesn't mean she'll sabotage the one thing he wants. Especially not after Raine gave up everything so Eda could be with her kids. The opening scene may prove how much Eda cares about a rascal like King, but this heartwarmingly sweet moment reveals just how far she'll go to make him happy.
King’s Dad Reveal: ...ok, I'll be honest, I did not think we'd get that reveal this soon. Dumb of me to say, considering the number of times I've said that these writers don't waste time getting to the s**t, I know. But still, it's pretty cool knowing that King's dad is alive and well, added with the fact that we've got a fair idea of what he looks like. At this point, it's only a matter of time before we see him figure out where the Clawthorne residence is and witness the tear-jerking moments that will follow.
King Changing his Name to King Clawthorne: Not the official adoption I was expecting Eda to make...but DANG IT, is it still diabetes-inducing levels of sweetness!
Personally, I feel like the main reason why Eda breaks down this time is not only because she shouldn't be worried about King leaving her life, but also because Raine's sacrifice wasn't in vain. Her kids really do need Eda because no matter how far apart they'll be, she will always be a part of their life...dang it, I'm going to cry too!
What those Coven patches really do: Well...that was horrifying to see.
...Writers, if you kill off the best non-binary character in animation (it's a short list, I know), we are going to have PROBLEMS!
IN CONCLUSION
"Eda's Requiem" is--surprise surprise--another A+. The emotions hit hard, the representation hits harder, Raine is a fantastic addition to the cast, and it was all surprisingly cute at times. Season Two is currently on a hot streak, constantly winning with every episode that's come out so far. When a bad episode does eventually show up (IT'S GONNA HAPPEN!), I'll be sure to sing my requiem then. For now, I'm just gonna enjoy the ride.
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perriwinklesblog · 3 years
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A bit off topic for my usual Dream SMP posts but wanted to share some of my favourite books that I have read. Some of these books go back a bit but often the message and information in them is still relevant. With that said, some research might be a little old but that’s the joy of these books, sends you down a rabbit hole.
They’re all equally entertaining as they are interesting. All authors here for me have that perfect balance of informative and humour whilst still knowing when to empathise.
I hope if you end up looking into one of these books, or listening to the audiobook, you enjoy it as much as I did.
The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson - this book is the reason I have a degree in psychology. It opened the world of psychology to me and delved into psychopathy and how dangerous these people might be. It’s super interesting and Jon Ronson’s writings are always entertaining. He is good at informing, empathising and entertaining all in one book.
So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson - Another Ronson book that I wish everyone had to read. This book is a good few years old now and written before the term cancel culture became a part of every day vocabulary. It delves into the lives of those who have been cancelled and explores how they get through it, the good the bad and ugly. It was a warning to the world about what we post online and how we treat others online before we even understood the lasting effects social media has. It’s a sobering and, at times, funny view on the world.
Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz - Now this isn’t about the Facebook selling your data. This book is about using big data such as google trends to boost research experiments reliability and validity in their results. It explores, again in a amusing way, how something as simple as the word order of a google search can reveal something about an individual. It’s about looking at the masses and seeing the trends and how that can help understand and improve the world. It shows the positive of big data and the negatives. It’s honestly one of my favourite books of all time.
Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado-Perez - This is not just a book for women. It is a book for everyone. It explores the gender data gap, a gap in the data that isn’t always obvious. From snow ploughing to medical research there are biases in our data which can often lead to unintended biases. It’s eye opening and at times saddening about the issues that could be solved if we just had a bit more data.
The Secret Barrister by The Secret Barrister - This book comes from the Twitter account of a barrister in England who allows us a look into the system. Often critiques the issues and explains cases in an honest way the public rarely sees. We don’t often get a look inside the justice system, we rarely see it outside dramatised programmes. The Secret Barrister takes you inside the English court and justice system and explores its fairness and failures. It’s lifting the curtain on a process most only see if they’ve broken the law, have jury duty or work there.
Forensics: The Anatomy of Crime by Val McDermid - Val McDermid has made a career of being once of the best crime authors. She has written fabulous crime fiction throughout her life and through her research for these books has become friends with leading forensic teams. In this book she explores the world of forensic, from fire to bugs, she looks at every discipline and lifts the curtain to allow us a look inside. It will ruin some of your crime programmes once you have the knowledge inside this book but will also allow you to appreciate the science and importance this side of criminal investigations.
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crazythatcounts · 3 years
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Cleaning Stuffed Animals: A Tutorial
So I have become, among my friends group, the Stuffie Cleaner. When people find their stuffed animals have gotten nasty or dirty, and the washer looks like a scary death machine for their friend, they come to me, and I’ve realized that this is happening enough that maybe there’s people out in the world also going “my poor stuffie!!” with no way of cleaning it and no one to turn to. In that vein, I’ve decided to write up this method for the internet to enjoy. Below is my method for cleaning any stuffed, fabric thing (animals, pillows, etc) that for one reason or another cannot, or probably cannot, go in the washer/dryer. If you’re worried about it falling apart, ruining the fabric, or getting mildew inside because it won’t dry, this method is your friend.
YOU WILL NEED
- A small tub, bucket, or other basin for water. It doesn’t need to be particularly deep or large, but it does need a wide mouth. Bathtubs can work just fine if that’s all you have. It just needs to hold water and be something you can reach into.
- Baby shampoo. This is also very good for washing wigs, if you need to do so.
- A jug of some kind. Empty milk cartons, water gallon jugs, or large pitchers are fine. It just needs to be able to hold warm water and be somewhat portable.
- A towel. Two if you don’t have any space that you can just get absolutely soaked, for underneath the bucket. If you’re worried about the space getting wet, you can honestly have any number around, but at least 1 is needed for the stuffie.
- Optional: a toothbrush, for set in stains. I have a small travel electric one that’s I love for this. Please do NOT use any toothbrush you plan on returning to your mouthhole, that’s nasty. Also do not use any toothbrush that’s got nasty stuff in it or has recently been used with harsh cleaners or bleach. If you’re worried give it a wash first to remove any chemical nastiness.
- Optional: A swimsuit. If you do this like I do you’re going to get very damp. You might want to dress for it.
- Optional: A hair dryer. Note that if you do use one, make sure it has a setting below Death Hot, as heat tends to be Reason 1 why stuffies should not go in the wash. You can melt fur or fabric with high heat, but as long as you aren’t using a heat gun, my method, used with ample caution, should not harm your fabric (though YMMV). If the dryer is too hot for your head it may be too hot for the fabric.
STEP 0: THE PRE WASH
The first thing to do is remove any gunk, debris, or physical yuck from the outside of the stuffie. You can do this with whatever you want - paper towels, regular towels, etc - but the important thing is that you get your stuffie down to just the bits that have soaked into the fabric. If, say, you dropped pasta on your friend, this is the part where you need to get the noodles off the stuffie. This is not always applicable, but when it is, it’s not something you can skip.
STEP 1: THE SET UP
Now that your friend is ready to be cleaned, it’s time to get your shit set up. Find a space that can get... reasonably damp. We have a basement with a concrete floor that works fine, but bathroom floors, tiled kitchen floors, or spaces like that are also fine. There’s just going to be a lot of water involved and if you’re trying to clean the water off a rug after you’re done it’s not going to be fun. If you’re going to change into a swimsuit, I’d do that here.
Next, fill your vessel - bucket, tub, whatever - with a small amount of warm water. I usually don’t fill it over an inch, which is roughly the distance from the tip of your thumb to the first line in your knuckle (yes, this is a tried and true method, trust me). I usually warm the water up to be just slightly warmer than what I want to touch, as our basement is cold and the water cools very quickly, but ultimately you want the water to be just touchable when you start.
While you’re filling, fill your jug, too. This should be warmer than the tub, because it’s going to sit for longer and will have longer to cool down. It should still be warm when you use it towards the end of the process, so use your own discretion in how warm you have it.
Once stuff is filled, get everything else you need together. Make sure your towel is nearby, lay any other protective ones down, have the rest of the stuff within arms reach. If you have a hair dryer I’d keep it away from the tub.
Lastly, once it’s all ready to go, add a very small amount of baby shampoo to the water, and mix it up very gently with your fingers. It should be just starting to create suds, but not enough to become a bubble bath. Soap lingers and leaves a residue if it’s not rinsed off, so while you’ll want a little for the water, less is better. You can always add a little more.
STEP 2: THE WASH
Once you’re set up, grab your friend, and assess the stain. Old, set in stains from being in boxes or storage may require the toothbrush, but newer things may not. Either way, the process will remain more or less the same: take a small amount of water in your hand and gently apply it to the stain. Think of it like when you are trying to remove dropped sauce from a shirt - you don’t want to get the stuffie soaked, but you want the area to be damp.
DO NOT DUNK THE STUFFIE.
I say this, because the reason washers can be bad for stuffed things is that most of these things are filled with what we call Poly-fill (it’s a brand that’s gone generic, like Kleenex). Poly-fill is a polyester bundle of threads that remain fluffy as to give your friend a shape, and if it gets wet and does not get dry, it can mold.  And inside a friend, it doesn’t dry super well or quickly, so the less you get the poly-fill inside the stuffie wet, the better.
Once damp, you can either use your fingers, or the toothbrush, to gently scrub the area. If needed, you can add a little more soapy water to the area to get a little more suds and break up the stains. This is where I love my toothbrush, because being electric, it vibrates just a little, but being a travel brush it’s got the power of a child’s toy, and that means its very gentle. The important thing here is that you don’t want to get too aggressive. You should be massaging the fur or fibers, but you don’t want to put too much stress on the threads, as that can create holes. It’s better to spend 20 minutes being gentle than 5 being rough.
This should remove the nasty stain. I’ve so far had this method take out stains that were 10+ years old and dry. It just takes some time, and repetition.
If you’re just trying to sanitize your friend, you can just gently work a damp hand through the fur. There’s no need to really scrub or get the stuffie super damp, as it’s just about getting a little soap on the surface to remove germs.
STEP 3: THE RINSE
You have by this point conquered the stain, yay! The area may seem darker than average, but that’s because it’s wet, though some very nasty stains can leave the spot slightly darker, which will always be more noticeable when its wet than dry.  Now it is time to get the soap off.
Grab your jug. It should still be warm, but hopefully not hot. If you can’t touch the water it’s way too hot still and you might need to cool it down somehow. Gently pour a little of the water into a cupped palm, and then pour that over the sudsy area(s). The goal is to rinse off the suds and soap while soaking the stuffie as little as possible. It’s still definitely going to get very wet, of course, but containing the wet spot and/or how wet it is will be helpful regardless. You may need to follow behind and wipe some suds away in between pours, and if so you can very gently use some fingers to do this. A wet hand is also very good at removing suds if you’re worried about pouring water. You can also pour with the jug if it’s rather small, but the idea is to keep the amount of water being poured as little as possible at a time, so use your discretion. Again, we’re trying to not soak the insides too much.
Don’t use the tub water to rinse it or your hands. It’s still soapy. This is why you got the jug full of clean water.
STEP 4: DRYING
Your stuffie is rinsed and (hopefully) clean! Now it’s time to get the water off. First, grab that towel, and towel dry your friend off. Try and agitate any fur as you do, as that’ll make sure it gets fluffed back up and doesn’t get stuck all pushed down in weird directions. As long as your friend isn’t falling apart you should be able to get a little rough with this portion. You want to aim to get them as dry as possible with the towel in the same way that you try and get yourself dry after a shower or the pool. You’ll likely wind up with a stuffie that’s just a little damp to the touch.
Once you’ve done that, there are two paths.
Path 1: you can, if you want, use a hair dryer to finish the job. If you do so, be very careful. Do not ever keep the heat from the dryer on one space for more than a few seconds. I tend to find passing the nose of the dryer back and forth almost like you’re trying to paint in broad strokes to be useful in terms of keeping the heat distributed. I do this for my hair, too, but I really don’t otherwise know how to describe it. Also, keep the nose of the dryer back about the length of your hand, so the heat has more space to spread out. I know it’s tempting to press the nose right up against the wet spot, and if you think you gotta do that, don’t keep it there for more than a couple of seconds at a time. Heat can murder a stuffie, so using the dryer is about making sure the heat is applied indirectly and making sure it has enough space to distribute across the area.
IF YOU: Smell anything weird, feel like the fabric is changing color or texture, or otherwise get a bad vibe, STOP and assess. Melted fabric tends to have a very hard texture, almost like plastic. You can always go back to it if your instincts were incorrect, but I have no idea how to unmelt fur, so it’s better to keep attentive. Trust yourself.
Path 2 is letting the stuffie air dry. You should put them in a warm space, away from the water, and check on them occasionally. If they’re still damp when you check, you can towel them off again and fluff the fur with it. Keep checking until they’re dry to the touch. This may take some time, depending on how wet they got, but if you’re worried about heat, letting them air dry can’t damage the fur. The less wet you got them during the wash, the less time this will take for them to be fully dry.
STEP 5: YOU’RE DONE
By this point, your friend should be fully dry. Give them a hug, run your hands through their fur, fluff them up a bit, and apologize for your transgressions. (I can tell you that, as a Professional Stuffie Doctor, they still love you regardless).
The only thing now is to just assess the area with the stain. Some very dark stains may leave behind a slightly darker patch, but 9/10 it’s not going to be noticeable without really looking for it. If there’s still some nasty, you may need to repeat the process again, using the toothbrush if you didn’t before. Double check that the area doesn’t smell funny - it should smell like shampoo, but if it smells sour, you may need to give it another wash.
If done right, it should smell fine, feel fine, and look fine in your hands now that it’s dry. If so, it’s time to celebrate! Also clean up because you’re probably very damp and so is the area.
And that’s it! I have used this method for just about everything. I’ve removed old stains, new stains, stains I caused and stains that just showed up. I’ve also used this method to sanitize friends I rescued from places like Goodwill, as the warm water and suds should kill any nasty bacteria from things like colds or COVID. (You have no idea if the people that donated the friend washed it ever, so I recommend a bath to remove snotty germs 100% of the time with rescued friends). I’ve also used this on everything from Mallowfriends to Beaniebabies to traditional jointed bears and everything else. There is no fur type this shouldn’t work on, no size too big or small, and no filling that is off limits.
When in doubt - be gentle, keep the water and suds to a minimum as much as you can, and be patient. This method is an act of love, and you can’t rush tender love and care.
If people have questions, my ask is open. Otherwise, go wash your stuffies!
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quaintqueer · 3 years
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I don't know what you think about labels, maybe you are the kind of person who watches shows like Marie Kondo where they organise people's houses and put sticky labels on everything so that you can easily identify the contents. Maybe you're the kind of person who does not like to be labelled or stereotyped. Maybe you prefer to be just yourself.
I have had a very complex relationship with labels and identity. You could say that I started off on the wrong foot. My mother went to a Baptist church on Sunday morning and a Charismatic/Pentecostal hands-in-the-air, shouting and screaming, spiritual warfare kind of church on Sunday night. And my dad had his Holy Communion as a kid and then went to mass on Easter and Christmas.  So to begin with my labels were numerous and incongruent which did cause some issues for younger Zoe.
And I want to share with you about where God has led me through the understanding of this topic. I am not entirely sure where to start and I'm not sure how vague to be here but let's just say that at least the draft will be an explicit and partly chronological one.
12 year old Zoe I went to church most Sundays with her family and she was very very lucky to have a wonderful Christian friends in her life and at this point the label attached to her as a daughter was the unproblematic child and at school she was the sweet and friendly member of the God Squad or Singing Christians depending on how you asked. But those were the kind of labels that existed around that time.
What happens though to 12 year old Zoe is that she falls madly and instantaneously in love with her best friend. And almost immediately she thinks ‘am I in love with this girl? that must make me gay.’ And being a part of the circles that I was in a fairly conservative Christian family and a fairly conservative Christian School with Christian friends in that Christian school, I said ‘absolutely not. I don't want to have to deal with that.’ I was never hateful towards gay people in general I just thought I just didn't want to deal with it myself. My mum and I had had conversations about it when the plebiscite happened, and whenever we spoke about it, it was very much about ‘the gay people’ as opposed to anyone we knew or loved, let alone a Christian person, and so this whole gay thing wasn’t really thought about. Ao a few times over the next 2 or 3 years so I would ask, ‘am I in love with this girl’ And I always concluded ‘no no no you can't be in love cos you're not gay’.
By the time I’m about 14, I’ve been awoken to all different kinds of social justice movements, I took sociology, I’m going to save the world. THe labels I proudly wear are things like left wing, passionate, an ally to many different communities, in particular the lgbtq+ community.
Zoe at one point goes ‘frick frack, I'm definitely in love with this girl’. and because of the way that this world really loves labels, this was completely synonymous in my mind with being gay. My first response was probably because I'm bisexual so now that is an importand confusing label Zoë is wearing. I have somewhat fond somewhat mortifying memories of sitting on the Shinkansen, the bullet train, from Tokyo to Kyoto next to my dad doing every single ‘Am I gay’ quiz I could find online. Throughout this trip to Japan, I’m really testing the waters and every single younger woman I saw I was like ‘Is she cute? Am I attracted to her? Would I kiss her?’ and so that experience made me very nervous because I had still grown up with the mindset that if people were gay it was ok but they weren't Christian. And I was a Christian, so I just ignored it really. And this turned into a time of me hypersexualising sll of the boys that I had ever thought I had a crush on. I can quite confidently say that I didn't actually have a crush on many of them, I just thought that that was something that I should do. So there was a lot of ignoring this feeling.
We then reach year 10, 2020, a glorious year. In the first Lockdown, I finally caved and downloaded Tik Tok. The thing about Tik Tok is that it comes with its own world of labels, and I really would enjoy the kinds of conversations about what side of Tik Tok you are on. I loved that your For You Page automatically gave you certain labels to wear as a Tik Tok user, and I loved that those applied to real life. I quite quickly ended up on gay Tik Tok, among other things. I was also very firmly on Black Lives Matter Tik Tok, on disablrf Tik Tok, on Indigenous Tik Tok, so on and so forth. But much of my content was about the lgbtq community and this opened a ahole can of worms. I, at this time, carried a lot of shame for my attraction to women. For a bit of a backstory, I had been so severely heartbroken by this girl - not by her own intentional actions, I think that she was never going to feel about me the way that I felt about her and that was not her fault - but I was so seriously heartbroken that not only did I hold this moral shame but also this like emotional shame of my attraction to women. I felt like it was not a good thing morally and it didn't feel good emotionally because I had to still been really hurt about this girl and I have never really gotten over that. So for the first time on gay Tik Tok, I saw queerness and same-sex attraction as a positive thing not only in terms of ‘hey look these are women loving woman relationships that are working well’ but also ‘whether or not you're dating someone, queer identity is good for you and it's fun to talk about’. And as a type 4 on the enneagram, I love to feel special - not to say that I fabricated these feelings or that any queer person is queer for attention - but I think a big part of me felt validated or special because of my feelings and my queeness. It was like a new club that I could join. And so the labels that 15 year old Zoe wears largely consisted of queer. We had it dropped bisexual a little bit because at this point I was not sure if I like men at all and so we identified as queer or sapphic or bi or lesbian or gay - many of these words along with the left wing, Pro Black-lives-matter, pro-feminism, pro-lgbtq+, anti-colonialist anti-capitalist etc. etc. And I don't want to demonize any of those things - they are not at all negative things, I'm just painting a picture of the different labels that I wore.
Through out starting to come out to my friends and existing for longer periods of time not only on gay Tik Tok but now really searching all through the Internet for more LGBTQ+ identity - as I tried to confirm my traction for women, as I tried to decide about my attraction to men, about what label I should wear, and what it's like being in the LGBTQ+ community different, spaces where we interact, different identities and labels and experiences of queerness. So I really tied myself to this identity and it is I think so much because of the way the world sees labels as I said and so my first response was ‘well if I like girls I must be gay and if I'm gay I must identify that way and that has to be the most important thing about me’ because all the people I was seeing online really loved being gay. They were proud of their identity in their queeness. In the world as much as I think that we like to think we’ve got this ‘your sexuality or your gender identity doesn't matter. Gay and straight and bi and pan and whoever you are, we’re all human’, I think it often the world does like to draw those lines on both sides. Within queer communities there was - obviously ironically and satirically - this heterophobia honestly. (I'm joking!) But there was a real pride in this identity of whichever specific label you wear as well as the wider lgbtq plus label which led me to believe my sexuality was who I was. And that proved really quite awkward because I knew that my church and my family and many of my Christian friends believed that same sex marriage and romance was sinful. Because of the strong connection between my identity and my sexuality, if my sexuality was sinful, that meant that I was inherently and completely sinful and I didn't like that. It wasn't a fun feeling. After all of the years of learning about God’s gift of grace to us, kind of I lost in the crevices of my mind and whenever I thought about God I was met with feelings of shame and fear and dread and resentment sometimes even anger and I grew to be so despairing.
Eventually I tried the various progressive Christianity movements that teach that ‘God doesn't actually say the being gay is a sin, the Bible is pro queerness and don't even worry about it, God made you exactly the way that you are and he loves you the way that you are, go forth and have that lesbian relationship that you so desperately want’. But that never really sat right with me. It brought up other questions of ‘well if the current translation of the Bible says things like marriage is between a man and a woman, God made man and woman, any sex outside of marriage is sinful, or even the parts that say that ‘homosexuality is sinful, or man lying with man in certain translations, is sinful what happened to that part of the Bible?’ And of course I heard the response about how at the Bible was written by man and not by God and that it is fragile and can be manipulated and basically King James ruined the whole Bible when he wrote that translation and you don't have to listen to it. But that really didn't work for me. If that part of the Bible had been mistranslated how could I know that the rest of the Bible hadn't been mistranslated? If words like homosexuality weren't in the original text and they had been added there or mistranslated how could I understand the words like grace and love and hope and patience and kindness and peace and righteousness and holiness and justice? What if they were mistranslated? What if the whole Gospel was not how it was written in the Bible because the Bible was man-made? Pretty immediatelyI decided I couldn’t really understand a Christianity where homosexuality is not a sin because Christianity is written in the Bible and the Bible says that quite clearly. I believe that the Bible is directly the Word of God, that it is perfect, that the way that it is translated - obviously different translations vary - but that it is right from God’s mouth so imediately was like I can't believe in it Christianity where homosexuality is not a sin and so I've got to pick Christian or Gay.
And I didn’t want to choose Christian because I had this point has grown quite fond of being gay and I mean, I was truly just attracted to women, right, like I wanted a girlfriend and so I tried really hard to ignore God. I was still going to church, twice or three times a week and all that, and I could not shake the existence of God. I knew God existed. I knew that He created the world, that He was good and that they was the thing called sin that separated us from him. I knew that sin led to death. I knew that He had sent His Son to bridge the gap between himself and sinners. I knew that Son was Jesus and that He died on the cross and he rose again and I knew that if you believed in him you would spend eternity with God which was a really good thing. I could not shake those feelings, all those beliefs, and I absolutely praise God for that. I'm so beyond grateful that God did not leave me, even when I hated him and resented him and felt so much anger towards him. Praise Jesus!
All this left me thinking, well some people could go to heaven, but God hates me because of my feelings. He does not want me part of His kingdom if I'm gay. I can't ever go to heaven because I'm a sinner, and sinners don’t go to heaven. I truly don't know where all my years of learning about the grace of God had gone. This led me to a really distressed position, probably one of the lowest ever my mental health had been. I was just not coping and I ended up being kind of forced to tell my mum. I don't really want to say too much on this part of the story but by the middle-ish end of year 10 I ended up coming out to my mum and she told my dad, ‘cause I refused to do it myself, and then I got a therapist. Finally, now that my mum knew, I could ask her what I had so desperately wante to ask her - if she could please buy me some books about being gay and Christian. And so she did. And I slowly but surely started to read them, I started to read my Bible more and I started to really search for what it meant to have faith trust in God’s grace and not in your own work, not in your own actions or thoughts or words. The first book I got in particular was really hard to read it was based more on specific Theology and not on personal experience and I needed that foundation in what God really said because I had just had conversations with my mum and she had reminded me ‘God is real and he loves you and he sent his son to die for you and that is an option for you as much as it is for anyone else, your queerness does not separate you from Christ's death and resurrection’. There is a wonderful bible verse that became very important to me at this time. Romans 8, the very end of the chapter, says ‘for I'm convinced that neither death not life neither Angels not Demons need of a present or the future and or any Powers neither height nor depth nor anything else in All Creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our lord.’ So with this in mind, I decided that I could trust God and now I just needed to learn how. so I worked away through different books, through different parts of the Bible, praying really hard, searching online and asking really hard questions to some really awesome Christian women in my life, and asking God to reveal to me exactly what he thought about me and about queerness and so eventually we get to the present moment. I by no means know everything that I wish I knew, but now I can say that I wholly trust God with my next life - I trust that he has the power and the strength and the holiness to overcome even my sin which sometimes feels like the biggest there is. and I trust him with this life - that life with him is so much better than any lesbian affair I could ever experience.
I want to personally apologize to any one who the church or the world has ever made believe that they are somehow exempt from God’s love because of who they are or what they've done or how they’ve felt. That is false. There is no one that does not sin, no one that is not inherently separated from God. And there is no one who is too far from Jesus' power to be saved from that sin. God is bigger than your sin, I promise you.
I want to take this time to mourn for the lives lost and the joy and peace forfeited because of the way people who claim to know God treat queer people. I'm sorry if you have been made to feel less than because of the church. In the process of overcoming of guilt and shame that I have felt over the year, one more verse that I found really important. 1 John 1 says that ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.’
So for me, I don't identify with my sexuality. I don't want to say that I'm straight now, that's not really true. but my sexuality is not what makes me who I am. I am a person fearfully and wonderfully made by God and I am a daughter of God in Christ. I am not ashamed of my feelings. I do think that it is worth mentioning that an attraction or a desire or an impulse is not the same as a sin. The Bible tells us that Jesus himself was tempted in every way and the Bible also tells us that Jesus is blameless and never sinned. And so I think it's worth the clarification that same-sex attraction or anything like that is not sinful itself and also that being gay is never worse than anyone else's sin, and it is never ever bigger than God.
I just want you all to know that there is nothing that you have done that makes you exempt from God’s love for you, to know that he is trustworthy, that the Bible is trustworthy, and I encourage you that your value is inherent as a person made in God’s image and that with Jesus, you can have identity in his son alone. When he sees you, he sees the goodness and perfection of Jesus if you believe in him.
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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years
Text
Deleted Scene: Gateway Drug
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"Fool Me Once" -- [1987] 
I run a hand through my done-up hair, snagging it on hairsprayed strands, wincing. 
"Thank you for coming today, I know you're busy as busy can be but you made time for this, so, we appreciate it." Danielle tells me me as I sit down and she readies her notepad and pen, switching her recorder on to tape audio.
"No problem." I reply, glancing at Duff in the corner by the door. 
"I know this might be a little strange but I always like to start my interviews off with a icebreaker, if that's okay?" She offers. 
"No, that's fine." I tell her, getting more comfortable in my chair. 
"This philosophy we've been trying to pan out in some of our shoots is the difference between beautiful and sexy, and explore that notion and gauge if people even think there is a difference, so my question for you is: do you think there is a difference between 'sexy' and 'beautiful' and which would you rather be?" 
"Oh, my God, okay." I breathe out, laughing, and she joins me. 
"You said 'okay' so I asked." She reminds me and I nod. 
"Beautiful implies to more than just outward appearance, it applies to someone's soul and their spirit, their attitude, how they carry themselves, how they treat others, whereas 'sexy' literally means sexually exciting which is usually based on looks mostly." I point out. 
"Okay, and I also asked which you'd rather be--or which one you think you are." She rewords it. 
"You sure did, um…" I already know my answer, but don't want to make it seem like I want someone to tell me I'm pretty. "...I don't…" I sigh and she looks like she's dying to hear my answer, and so is Duff. "I'm pretty." I reply and she furrows her brows. "I mean, I think I'm decently pretty. I've been called beautiful before but I still have a lot to work on within myself before I feel comfortable with that. But I appreciate it when I'm called that." 
"And what about 'sexy'?" 
"Oh, no. I'm not." I say it matter of fact, and she looks stumped. 
"What?" 
"I mean, if I try I probably can be but just everyday I don't see myself as 'sexy'." 
Duff's laughter quickly erupts, and I look at him to see his hand on his mouth to stifle it before he clears his throat. 
"Sorry." He mumbles to Danielle when she looks back at him before turning back to me. 
"I assure you, Vivian, you are a very sexy, very beautiful woman." She promises. 
"Thank you." I smile shyly at her.
"Okay, I was wanting to talk about you a little bit because I feel like people know who you are but not much about you other than what's, I guess, painted on you in a certain way, so if you would tell me who Vivian Sixx is." She crosses her legs, brushing a hair from her eyes as she patiently awaits my answer. 
"Oh, gosh, nobody's asked me that, yet." I blurt, thinking for a moment as she brushes my comment off with a small giggle. "Um," Nikki Sixx's wife, maybe?, "to be honest I'm not sure." I chuckle out, rubbing my lips together. And she looks at me like she fucking pitties me. I force myself to save this close-call shitshow, giving Duff another look and he gives me an encouraging thumbs up as he mouths, "you got this." 
"I dance." I let out, and she raises her brows. "Ballet, not stripping." I clarify. "I have since I could walk." 
"You've never considered a professional career in it?" She asks me next. 
"I was going to but then plans changed and I put off school. But I do plan on going back and finishing at some point." I explain. 
"Did those plans involve your marriage?" She questions and I chuckle a little. 
"I got pregnant--or I thought I got pregnant. It wasn't until after we got married that I found out it was a false positive." I admit. "And I'm sure people are going to say that I was never pregnant, that I was just trying to trap Nikki in a marriage but that's bullcrap because nobody can 'trap' Nikki or make him do something he doesn't want to do, so..." 
"I can’t see him doing anything he doesn’t already want to do.” She agrees with a smile, glancing down at her notes before clearing her throat. “On the lines of Playboy, being that some of our executives saw you in the music video for ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’, you were voted ‘easiest on the eyes’ in this past weeks poll out of eighty-two other women.” She informs me and I raise my brows. “Does stuff like that flatter you or do you see it as misogynistic?”
“Well, um, firstly, I’m sure glad you said ‘on the eyes’ because I was about to ask you who started the survey and where do they live?” I reply and she laughs. “So, I’m glad it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be, but, um…” I lick my lips, letting out a breath. “...I don’t think it’s necessarily misogynistic so I don’t mind it, but I don’t really like the fact that there’s eighty-two other women at risk of feeling less-than now.” I admit. “I appreciate it, though. I’ll take it.”
“You don’t like competition?”
“I do but I’m pitted against women constantly in my personal life or the media tries to, at least, and it’s just stale at this point, you know? It’s stupid.” I rub my forehead.
“Are you referring to what’s recently happened with Vanity?” She blurts and I force myself not to be phased. “Do you have any comment on that particular situation?”
I look at Duff once again, screaming internally while faking a smile.
“It was honestly a misunderstanding.” I lie. “I know we’ve already said it was misunderstanding before but it truly was.”
“Have you spoken to Vanity since?”
“Yes.”
“So, you two are still on good terms, even though she told the world she was engaged to your husband?” She presses more and I brush red hair from my face, trying to keep my tears from growing in my eyes as I see Duff from the corner of my eye, looking at me sympathetically.
“I love her to death.” I say, honestly--even though I shouldn’t love her, I do. Even if she’s a part of the reason my heart broke, I still love her. Even if I’m not acknowledging her existence, I love her. “And I wish and pray nothing but the best for her.” I finish and she grins slightly, knowing she’s getting a good story.
"Is she a woman you've felt like you've needed to compete with?" She asks next, her words hitting me in the gut. 
"Subconsciously, maybe, but I've never gone out of my way to compete with her. I've never had to." 
"What about groupies?" She raises a brow. "Or do you care because you two have been married for a while?" 
"I'm sure a lot of women think, 'oh, I'm married to him so I've won', but I've seen guys take off their wedding rings before walking into a strip club or a bar and leave with three girls under each arm--a marriage doesn't solidify anything we think it does, it should but it doesn't so of course there's been moments where I've been pissed off about women doing everything they can to cross a line but, again, I don't wake up every morning and say, 'what do they have that I don't?' in comparison to groupies. They're termites: they swallow wood, ruin homes, and then it's on to the next." I say and she swallows uncomfortably. 
"Does that not contribute to society's stigmatic view on promiscuous women being 'sluts'?" She asks me. 
"Having sex with people doesn't make a woman, or a man, a slut. Pursuing a taken man or woman, knowing they are taken, makes a slut. Cheating on a significant other makes a slut." I state. 
"What about posing for Playboy while being in a relationship?" She counters. 
"Posing naked doesn't make someone a slut." I defend what I said earlier. 
"Just wanted your view on that since you come from a strict upbringing in the Christian faith, is all." She tells me. "Especially since your mother is bound to hear of all this and probably have plenty to say." 
"I haven't talked to my mother in years so if she has something to say but can't say it directly to my face, it's not worth hearing." I tell her. "My dad is the one I'm antsy about all this happening because of." I feel my skin prickle with nervousness because I never gave much of a thought to my dad seeing me on Playboy. 
"Do you have a good relationship with him?" She asks me, intrigued, and I nod. 
"Yes." I say. "I always will, he's the most important person in my life for sure."
"I think we all thought that'd be Nikki from the way we see you look at him in pictures and in passing." 
"Oh," I say it a little flat, a small inkling of a look coming to her face and before I plant any doubt in her mind, I add, "I'm still completely head-over-heels for him but my dad's always gonna be my number one." 
"Does he and your father get along or does your dad keep his distance, too?"
"No, no, he and my dad get along fine." I assure her. "He really keeps his distance out of respect for my mom, but lately he's been more involved, so...but, no, he doesn't have any problem with Nikki. He really appreciates him and all he's done for me, um, yeah, it's really a blessing they get along." 
At least he did. Before he found out Nikki had an entire mistress...on national television…along with the rest of the country. 
"That is very nice." She agrees. "And what about the other boys, do you get along with them as well?" She refers to Vince, Tommy and Mick. 
"Oh, yeah, absolutely." I rub my lips together.
"Is it true you and Tommy and Vince and our very own Tansy Lyn grew up together?" 
"Yes. I met Tommy in elementary school, and Vince and Tansy in middle school and we've been friends ever since." 
"What are they really like? Outrageous news reports, complaints from parents and the church, girls, parties, drugs and booze aside, what are they authentically like and how do you coincide with them and how has being alongside them from the start of their journey, to now, shaped you?" 
"They seem larger than life and it's hard to see them as anything but that, but I've seen them all be so overwhelmed indescribably with joy, and I've seen them all be completely broken and not know what to do, and I've seen them be piss poor and then have more money than God it seems, but they aren't these huge rockstars behind the scenes. They have diva moments, of course, but Tommy and Vince still act just like the boys they were when I first met them, and the same goes for Nikki and Mick. They act out for publicity, and everything in the press is obviously exaggerated but they're normal guys. They're honestly just regular, gross, messy, disgusting, perverted, immature stinking boys--talented, but still normal." I admit. "And I think the effect it's had on my life is just that I've had to mature faster than maybe I would have because it's like I have children. Like I'm constantly going and someone's going through a crisis whether it's Tommy one day or Vince the next, or whatever so keeping them out of trouble the best I can and then trying to be there and as present as I can be when they need me is stressful but it's rewarding. I like helping out where I can and they need all the help they can get so, it's really helped mature me a little more, I guess, is what I'm trying to say."
"I mentioned earlier their reputation within churches and religious groups and I'm curious as to know how you, as a Christian yourself, feel about songs like 'Shout at the Devil' which really got a rise out of politicians and church-goers everywhere, and most recently 'Wild Side'--which is a song that you are an accredited writer on--that's off of their 'Girls, Girls, Girls' album and is a mockery of the Lord's Prayer?" 
"First of all, to clear this up, I didn't write anything in 'Wild Side', Nikki asked what the Lord's Prayer was and I told him and his brilliant mind gave me a writing credit which will plague me the rest of my life, I suppose, but to answer your question...it's 'Shout at the Devil', not 'Shout with the Devil', therefor it doesn't bother me. Now, 'Wild Side' bothers me. A lot. But that's a way Nikki felt when writing it, and I'm not going to tell him those feelings aren't valid just because I don't feel the same way. That's not fair to him, and I'm certainly not ever going to tell him not to express himself and channel how he feels into his work because that's what makes music and art individual and unique. So, it doesn't matter how I feel. If it makes him happy and he's proud of it then that's that and if I don't like it or don't agree with it or find it insulting to my beliefs then I just, 'forgive him, God, he knows not what he does' and just get over it." 
"Do you think there will be a new 'Filthy Fifteen'?" 
"I would say Tipper Gore and her group of desperate, dry, housewives can go get screwed by other men because their husband's are clearly inadequate but then I suppose they can't find bigger pricks than who they're married to, so..." I blurt and she widens her eyes, a little smirk on her lips as she laughs. 
"I take it you weren't a fan of the censorship?" 
"The only plus side to censorship and stickering everything is that kids know what to play in front of their parents and what to save for themselves." I finish and she chuckles some more. 
I talked some more about marrying so young, what it was like being married to one of the biggest names in rock music at that time and so on, all while hiding the fact that once I left there, I was going to go back to the tour, sleep in a separate room than my husband, not talk to the friends I grew up with who were supposed to have my back, and be so completely miserable.
The moment Duff and I leave the room once I've said goodbye and thanked everyone who was apart of the process for my shoot, I feel lightheaded. 
"Viv?" Duff asks me, concerned, and I take deep breaths, bracing against the wall. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I lie, nodding a little. "Just tired, I think." 
My voice cracks painfully and my tears are already beading at my lashline. 
"Viv, if you need a second--"
"--No, I'm fine. We gotta go." I deny, making myself walk again before he stops me. "Duff…" before I can argue, he's putting his bass down and pulling me to him, hugging me tightly. 
I give up, knowing that he knows me too damn well to buy my shit. 
I wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his chest, feeling my tears, hot against my cheek, soak into the fabric of his t-shirt as the warmth of his lips press comfortingly to my hair. 
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bi-dazai · 3 years
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honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.
I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.
Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.
And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex
There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.
And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.
But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.
Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.
At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.
I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.
The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.
It was traumatic, to say the least.
Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.
It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.
At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.
And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.
I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.
Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.
As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.
Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.
I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.
But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.
I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.
At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.
I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.
I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.
But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.
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harostar · 3 years
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The mental gymnastics from certain people in the fandom is ASTOUNDING. But there’s something honestly kind of disturbing about the levels of needing to twist every criticism. Instead of "Hey this scene ruins the tone" its "How dare some fans say they Ruby, Blake, and Weiss are horrible and don’t care about Nora because they SMILED"Also notice you completely ignore the comments on the show and racism to make up a bunch of arguments not in the ask.1/2
Like really the ask only focuses on the tone and racism that's it and you're bringing in Marrow and Ironwood. There was nothing about them. Naturally, these twists are almost ALWAYS aimed at any discussion pointing out the racism in the show. --This is what you are doing. I still say the tone of the scene feels off and Yang's group was better. Joy and Hope are great and Tone is important. Both can be true. 2/2
First and foremost, you need to understand that my rant wasn’t aimed at any single person or complaint. It wasn’t specifically about what I assume was your Ask, but rather a general expression of frustration over issues and Bad Takes(tm) I have seen in the fandom over the last several months.
My observation as an Official Ancient of Fandoms is that there is a widespread tendency in fandoms IN GENERAL to be hypercritical of heroines. To demonize them and twist things to frame them in the worst possible light, often while at the same time holding up male characters and very often tearing down one to prop up the other.
I’m not accusing you or anyone else in particular. Just kind of shaking my head over something I’ve observed as an overall issue within fandoms. RWBY is simply the latest in a looooooong line of this kind of thing, which is for me a general frustration. I’ve been watching these kinds of things happen in fandom since pretty much the beginning of Fandom on the Internet. The same general arguments and attitudes seem to crop up whether we’re discussing a television show, a video game, an anime, a manga, a comic book, or the love-child of pop culture that is RWBY. And the general arguments remain the same whether the discussion was occurring in 1999, 2005, or 2020. It’s the same general “She’s a horrible bitch” kind of things, which often frame innocent or dynamic character traits as a horrible offense usually while pitting it against a male character.
Now, again. I’m not aiming this at you or anyone in particular in the RWBY fandom. I was kind of cranky the other day, I may have gone off a bit strong with my frustrations. You seem to have gotten caught in that and for that, I apologize. I wasn’t accusing you in particular of those various things. I kind of went off in listing some of the wild things I’ve seen aimed at the heroines, which are usually side-by-side with arguments in favor of Ironwood and the Ace-Ops. 
I brought up Marrow for that particular complaint, because.....he’s sharing the same kind of tone with the characters being criticized. He’s in an incredibly ugly and painful situation, caught between his sense of loyalty and his morals. Being asked by his superiors to ignore the suffering of his own people, likely his own loved ones, for the sake of Atlas. And in that moment when the broadcast happens, he like just Ruby and Weiss and Blake is smiling as part of that overall hopeful tone.
Whether something lands or not as intended is always a mixed bag, since people are individuals and we all bring our own unique perceptions to things. So for some people, it landed exactly as they intended. For others it clearly did not strike the same chord.
But overall, I feel some people in the fandom are overreacting because of their general negative attitude towards the heroines. I’ve seen people framing it outright as them being terrible people that don’t care about anyone else, when that’s......so obviously not the case. Even in the worst moments, the darkest times, it is normal and human to take comfort and joy in whatever we can. 
There’s a difference between feeling like the creators didn’t stick the landing, and framing the characters themselves as uncaring and cruel. One is a matter of an audience not experiencing what the creators hoped, and the other is making an unfounded moral judgement on the characters. 
In terms of the Racism Issue (tm) of the series, I have admittedly not touched a lot on that overall. I don’t feel that I’m someone with the authority to speak on a very complex issue, one which primarily does not impact my own experiences and life. RWBY like many other franchises has stumbled in to wanting to discuss a very complicated and emotional topic, while struggling with how to do so and as CRWBY themselves have admitted, the problem of it being told by a couple of White dudes and an Asian dude. 
Social issues in general are tricky to handle in fiction, and that is even before we wade into the issues of Fandom. 
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weaselbeaselpants · 4 years
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That Krispy Cat: A Warning, part 3
The last of the images cause I don’t want this bitch on my computer anymore. 
Knowing tumblr I kept the images hidden JUUUUST in case no one reads the fine print and can’t tell I’m being critical of this and gets me in trouble.
VVV ((Just in case you thought the JewishGriffon piece assured everyone that Crispy couldn’t POSSIBLY hate people of color, some of her earliest Nazi art had her character Klaus beating up Amigo Bear. She also made Amigo into a liberal strawman. )) VVV
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((Dialogue to one of her TROLLARIOUS pictures that featured Amigo:
Amigo Bear: *muttering* "Your leader was a !@#$% little #@%^!@$^*!, you fascist feather duster..." General Klaus: "Fräulein, Ich vant you to cover your ears und shut your eyes as tight as you can." Crispy: "How come, General?" General Klaus: "Klaus ist about to say und do very bad sings zhat he does not vant his little Edelweiß to see or hear." Crispy: "Alrighty!" General Klaus: "WHO SAID ZHAT ABOUT DER FÜHRER? WER DIE FICK GESAGT? WHO'S ZUH SCHLEIMIG LITTLE COMMUNIST-SCHEISS SCHWANZLUTSCHER DOWN ZHERE, WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH VARRANT? NIEMAND?! GOTTVERDAMMT STALIN SAID IT! HERVORRAGEND! VHICH VUN OF YOU VANTS TO BE ZUH FIRST TO FIND OUT ZUH HARD VAY VHY MEIN FEINDE CALLED MIR DER BUTCHER BIRD?" ))
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^^^ ((BUTOPHERARTISGOODSOYOUCAN’TCOMPLAIN
also the disc. for this pic before it was deleted had a ‘joke’ about cooking Jews in ovens. Oh and yes, that IS Hitler she’s giving that ugly ass cupcake too.))
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^^^ (( - Thanks dA I never would have known I had a notifications unless eclipse blah -
This is one of her rants about how #Triggered she is that Starlight be compared to the Nazis when she runs a communist cult. Because A) that’s the real problem here and B) I too get upset when people say my OC is based on Jeffrey Dahmer when he’s so CLEARLY based on Ed Gein, Bwwwaaaah D> D> D> !)) ^^^
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VVV ((Ugly art of her friend’s awful OCs.)) ^^^
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VVV ((Crispy showing off why no one wants to be a patriot in our country.)) VVV
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((FYI, Crisp, that attitude will make the Hamilton fans stronger so just keep that SJW-flinging coming you little SJW.
WHAT?! Social Justice is a broad term and as Crispy’s plainly demonstrated, you can circle it around and make a majority-class sound like the real underprivledged if you have enough fancy frou frou know-how and furries. Also, if a Social Justice Warrior constitutes someone who takes their cause soooo seriously that they’re annoying/petting/cruel/stupid about it....idk I think Crispy qualified.))
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^^^ ((Crispy and her friend muse about what other races occupy the world of MLP in her headcanon. This, more than any other dA disc. and picture shows you her brand of “Segregationist-Nationalism is OKAY” thinking, cuz the art of these different races isn’t super offensive or cruel and neither are the characters. BUT if you scratch under the surface you’ll find that Crispy really likes these different people staying in their place and not in “someone else’s” country.
THEN, this same kind of thinking is used to convince you any mix of cultures is just cultural appropriation, again acting like she and her Nazi-stans are the only ones standing up to actual bigotry.)) VVV
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^^^ ((Crispy makes the world a worse place by bringing up actual decent points; like how Americans dress Thanksgiving up as progressive and for the natives when we all know that’s not true...all to better her worldview.
fyi, GET OUT whenever you see a selfproclaimed Nazi fawn over Native Americans, because: Nazi Germany had a deep fascination with American Indians and used their struggles about their land being taken away from them to justify their eugenic genocide.)) ^^^
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^^^ (( Crispy laughing it up on Furaffinity how she couldn’t be banned from her Furaffinity and then mysteriously never using her site there wowie.)) ^^^
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^^^ (( Crispy complaining about SOPA cause her freedom of speech and blahblahblah.
Freedom of Speech is important. Unfortunately what people like Crispy don’t understand or care for is there’s no freedom of consequence. )) vvv
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VVV ((LOL Joseph Mengele was such a stinkah let’s tell blithe jokes about him. At least WE AREN’T LIKE HIM!!!)) VVVV
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VVV ((Early onset eugenic BS from her Spyro stuff that would be easy to miss if you didn’t know what this woman was talking about)) VVV
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((Crispy admitting she thinks gays are pointless cuz they don’t reproduce but apparently loves them anyway. Also big shock Crispy’s seen Hetalia.)) VVV
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VVV ((Crispy probably wanting Weeaboos to attack her cuz aren’t Japan’s animations so laaaaaaazy?!!?!? GUUdd think’ I’m a naziaboo! Germany’s never made any shitty animation evah. You know what, I lied. She doesn’t deserve Hetalia. She just doesn’t.)) VVVV
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VVV ((Crispy dragging Brazil down with her as the apparent “Best South American Country”. Yikes.)) VVV
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VVV ((More “it’s trolling ergo it’s not harmful” shit. Bulgarians probably do deserve their own Care Bears, but they certainly don’t want yours Crispy.)) VVV
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VVV ((Disc. for her Richard Spencer bear art)) VVV
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I know, I know...this isn’t what you wanted to read today, guys. I know it’s offensive and I’m sorry if it made you ill. I also know I’m putting my own blog under fire by showing these images here but I think that should say something about dA’s bad policies that this art gets a filter slapped on it and nothing more when the artist is blatantly pro-fascist.
Crispy resonates with me so much - and no it’s not cause I DARED to be “triggered”.
It’s because, for one, she was talented. I MEAN I HAVE EYES! That’s some nicely drawn digital stuff I’m not gonna deny. She had some cool rewrites and sequel ideas that, had it come from someone else I would have eaten up and faved to hell and back onceupona2012. But I didn’t, where a ton of MLP and furry fans did because they undervalued their own talents and would say “well it’s pretty who cares about the message?” 
Unlike so many commercial+published artists, it’s REALLY hard to separate the art from the artist here because the artist is so connected and a part of her art and storytelling. If you fav her art, even if you didn’t like her, that was telling Crispy she’d won. It’s so defeating to have other artists say their gonna ignore their gut for the sake of prettypretty-Don-Bluth style art. And yes, that stigma DOES affect my view on 2D purists btw.
Crispy was so holier than thou’, and that attitude also was appealing to dA folks, not to mention her knowledge of art history by the time she dropped off the radar. Crispy was the kind of person who’d make long, detailed, justified rants against the design and color choices in Hazbin Hotel and then a bunch of antis would eat her redesigns up only to learn the awful truth later and embarrass themselves cuz they were so taken up by the craft they didn’t know they were reblogging a fucking Nazi.
Not to underplay Viv’s wrongdoings of course, but I’m sorry; the two aren’t comparable on the problematic artist meter. THAT’S HOW BAD CRISPY WAS.
If this somehow was just a faze and she’s come to her senses or doesn’t really think this shite she preaches...I don’t care. She said some vile shit and fuck no I’m not forgiving her. It’s like KenDraw or Shadman. You’ve changed your life around and realized you’ve done/drawn nasty shit that’s done real harm? Cool....I’m still not talking or ever promoting you, ya dingbat. You ain’t no Roman Polanski or Doug Tennaple. You’re a singular internet artist and any support of the project has to go to you - and you suck!
ThisCrispyKat was a wakeup call that showed me these people not only still exist but will be allowed to get away with it. I was very touchy bout this kind of thing back in the day. Fuck, I STILL AM TOUCHY. The rabbit holes I found thanks to Crispy opened up to reveal communities where people think my hair color’s going extinct. People would detail how much they wanted to rape me - a natural blonde - and kill my friends and family for not looking like me. That they want to jerk off in my naturally curly hair and see me in glowy German princess gowns preparing them dinner.
Crispy and other Nazistans would look at me; a blond-haired blue eyed Polish/German American woman and think I need to be “fixed” because I DARE to repeat propaganda that the Nazis were bad. They’d call me a traitor for thinking that celebrating the Nazi party ISN’T German pride.
HOW DARE YOU TELL ME THAT’S GERMAN PRIDE! I’LL SHOW YOU GERMAN PRIDE YOU EGOSTROKING-LIMPDICKED ATTENTION WHORES.
People like Crispy make it 1000x harder to actually show interest in German things. Because I AM interested in German shit btw.
Like for real: it’s a country I’d love to visit one day (at least the black forest, which is where my mom’s fam comes from). I love German art and German fairytales slap. I really do want to explore my heritage through art and stuff.
But guess what? Much as Crispy would argue to the contrary I DO know my WWII history and beyond and FUCK YOU if you honestly think jerking it to cuddly Nazi-furs is empowering or just “showing your interest in history”. Take your own advice and read a god-damn book.
TL;DR: I DO NOT have to be proud of Nazis to enjoy German culture and if you think otherwise, FUCK YOU. It’s a slap in the face to everyone even if you are ‘just trolling’ and it in no way values actual German’s feeling on the matter. It’s annoying how people undervalue real people just for the sake of fan art.
The Nazis were evil. They were racist, eugenic-genocidal idiots who killed over six million Jewish people, Romani, Slavs, Jehovahs Witnesses, disabled people, Poles, homosexuals and prisoners of war. They would have killed my dad’s side of the family if they were in Poland at the time. They made bullshit tanks that killed the people making them and didn’t work on the battlefield. Their leader was a fat, farting one-testicaled bastard who preferred animals to people.
They ruined everything for everyone and then took the easy way out, leaving the Germans that were left in the hands of the also-genocidal Soviets and Americans. Germany is still paying their war debts and now, 70-80 years later everyone else wants to laugh off this dark period of history with memes and forget what they did, and as such, are forgetting the victims of the genocide.
I have 0 tolerance for Nazi things for the sake of HUMANITY, let alone the individual groups they target. I don’t have to have German ancestry or know a single Jewish person to tell you any of this. It’s fucking history.
Eat shit.
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Folie a Trois: a group read of... More Than Maybe by Erin Hahn
The supporting characters
Ariadna: From Zack to Meg, Phil to Marcus... I really liked that the supporting characters had background and depth... for a YA romance novel, that it is. Ok, they are not the deepest, most exceptional characters –they are a little bit stereotyped, and everything is sooo rose-coloured tinted–, but I appreciate how the relationships between them are depicted and how every one of them has their own unique quirks and background story. Nevertheless, I must add... I think Hahn’s attempt to make all the characters these goody-two-shoes has made some characters sort of a decaf version of what they should realistically be, see Charlie Greenly, Phil Josephs, Cullen... At times they were so soft they became even boring to me. I understand Hahn’s religious views, but honestly, no one is that good.
Alicia: I liked the supporting characters quite a lot, actually, all of them. In many young adult novels you find rather flat secondary characters that only exist to complement the main characters, but not in this one. All of them were complex, with their own defined personalities and their own stories. There were a few moments when I got a bit irritated by someone's actions, Cullen uploading Luke's song behind his back, for example. But real people are flawed and make mistakes so it's only fair that fictional characters do, too. 
Marina: First off, I have to say I loved all the secondary characters. I have to agree with Ariadna though, they are not overly deep but they get you right on the feels. I especially enjoyed seeing the different relationships between them –Zach and Cullen <3–. To be honest I found it a bit frustrating that they all kept telling Vada how amazing she is and how well she’s doing but it takes Luke, a person whom she’s officially met recently, to stand up to her dead-beat father. Talking about fathers, Phil is an amazing father figure and I’m really glad he at least encouraged Vada to follow her dreams. On a side note, can I just say that the first time I read about Cullen and Zach I pictured a more lanky version of Emmett Cullen dating Zeke (from high School Musical)? And that’s why I found it hilariously amusing when they started talking about Teen Wolf. Whatever happened to those DVDs?!
The ‘Bad Apple’ club aka Charlie Greenly
Ariadna: We all grasp to certain extent how business —corporate, big-money businesses— work, and it is understandable Charlie’s nasty partners took advantage of a teen’s rage burst, but, oh, man, how it bothered me when they tried to ruin poor Phil’s fund-raiser... What bothered me the most, though, is how Charlie Greenly was that blind, how he couldn’t see, beyond his own interests, how important the Loud Lizard was for Luke, his friends and for Ann Arbor, or to what extent the whole ‘Break for You’ issue bothered his own son. I honestly think his heroic act at the end doesn’t quite redeem him of the harm he has done. Besides, Charlie was supposed to be a Punk-rock star... What’s really left of that personality? Has her wife and kids completely transformed him into a dull wimp? Not quite believable, this character is. 
Alicia: Charlie made me so mad at him that sometimes I wanted to throw the book across the room. I understand parents always think they know best, it's in their parent DNA. But it was really frustrating and irritating how he kept trying to get Luke to do whatever he wanted, without considering what his son actually wanted. He kept trying to convince Luke to do something he had stated time and time he didn't want to do and was not going to do. He used him for his own interests and treated him kinda badly just cause he didn't fit with his own expectations for him. Realistic as it could be for most people, it's still shitty. It's almost cathartic how he redeems himself at the end by quitting Bad Apple to support his son but that doesn't change his shitty behavior towards Luke during most of the novel. 
Marina: I mean Charlie didn’t seem the brightest of the Greenly family, to be honest. I think he should probably listen to his sons more (and his wife). I find it hard to believe he didn’t know what he was getting into. He was a famous punk-rocker at a time where you had to be clever and sharp-witted, like, is he smart enough to stay away from hard drugs and keep his career afloat (and later become an accomplished music producer) but not know how to choose business partners? Apparently. And talking about his previous life as a punk-star… Can he stop trying to live his life through Luke? It finally dawned on him in the end, yes, but throughout the book Luke (and later Cullen) explicitly told him he didn’t want to be famous, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour!
Soundtrack
Ariadna: While some of the tracks on this book’s OST are not my cup of tea (see Demi and Taylor), I must confess: I’ve been listening to TøP the whole week. Hahn got me at Car Radio *shrugs*. Working in the book industry, I’ve always felt books, when possible, should offer something extra. I really love that this book, even more considering it is addressed to teens and YA, offers this little something to connect it to the readers’ real world, to make the story even more realistic. I think it is a loss that the book itself doesn’t include a QR code or a link to a playlist itself, but it is an easy search away in Spotify, thanks to some nice reader that has already put it up!
Alicia: I just had this one little issue with the music/artists mentioned in the novel: Vada hates Stevie Nicks and consequently I hate Vada. There won't be any hate towards Stevie Nicks in my presence. She is an excellent artist and I will not hear otherwise. Other than that I actually loved how important music in general is in the novel and how many real actual songs are shared along the story. I expected to find mostly alternative/indie bands so there was no surprise there. And music can tell a lot about someone so it was interesting to see the music Luke and Vada listen to, to understand them better. Also it was really nice to get so many songs in so many different styles to actually discover new songs myself. I'm really happy about how music really does play an important part in the book. 
Marina: I’ve mentioned I like it when authors add their little soundtracks to the books but this one goes far beyond that. You get to listen to the songs throughout the characters’ actions and feelings and the music is not only an add-on but it becomes part of the plot. Which, granted, it’s a book about a girl who writes reviews about bands and a boy that writes songs, how can music not be part of the book? But it goes beyond the “here’s a song that inspired this chapter/book/scene” to a basic subplot. Coincidentally, we all looked up different songs on Spotify because we hadn’t heard them before and we found a playlist made by a reader, we hope you enjoy it too!
Vada and Luke’s relationship
Ariadna: It is interesting to read a YA romance novel in which the main action doesn’t revolve 100% around the romance. It is way healthier than most: both Vada and Luke have clear goals and motivations that are not biased by their relationship, they motivate and encourage each other, there is no narcissistic chauvinist - submissive flower dynamics going on —thank the gods–, and they are supercute and honest with themselves. However —I always have one of these–, it is still a naive teen relationship, mostly in terms of the plotting and the writing. Surprisingly —see the irony— they both have had crushes on each other for years, but they haven’t acted upon it until now. They NEVER fail, get mad, do any bad deeds... ANYTHING. Are they even teenagers? Honestly, I hate when the characters in a book are these holier-than-thou perfection vessels. Added to the not-really-that-big-of-a-deal problems (what happened with the instagram issue? What about Vada’s funds for college? They don’t even really get *really* mad because of the Bad Apple thingy...), they feel kind of bland and not too realistic for my tastes. 
Alicia: At the beginning I thought it was a bit rushed, how quickly they trusted each other considering they had barely interacted before. Even if they had a crush on the other that doesn't mean they actually knew that person, not really. As they spent more time together and got to know each other, their relationship evolved pretty organically and naturally, to a point when it just made sense. It was really cute to see how they got closer through awkward encounters and how their passion for music helped them connect and relate to the other. Having read many young adult romances, it gets old very fast. The stories get kinda predictable and hard to believe. This one also had some predictable moments, almost all of them do, but overall it was a really nice love story, one I could actually believe. 
Marina: To be honest, I expected this book to be less about the music and more about the relationship between Luke and Vada. I think what Erin Hahn accomplished in this book is to show a much more mature relationship than I expected. I thought this would be your typical YA-Romance with a lot of drama and kissing, but instead I got a slow-burn story (so slow, it felt like moving through molasses) with depth, insecurities and, yes, drama. I think both these characters are more mature than expected on a YA romance novel and it was surprisingly refreshing. You still get some teenage-y sub-plots, i.e. the prom or even the 15-minutes of fame; but it doesn’t take away from the blossoming relationship between Luke and Vada.
The Grass is Greenly and Behind the Music 
Ariadna: I must be growing too old for this s**t, but I don’t get the whole podcast/blog thing. I get it, social networking does this kind of thing: turning a nobody into an internet sensation in a matter of days, but... I agree with Alicia, it is too much of a coincidence (one of the deus-ex-machina I so much hate) that both the main characters are internet-known... in a blog, nonetheless! Maybe Hahn could have used precisely this internet presence to make Vada and Luke meet each other, instead of the too-worn-out high-school cliché. And Marina has made me think... maybe some interludes as Cullen’s podcasts, letting us know some behind-the-scenes gossip (The Lindsay issue, Luke and Vada’s first kiss becoming viral, and so on...), would have spiced up the novel a bit more.
Alicia: Okay here's the part I just didn't believe and kind of threw me off a bit. What are the chances of a music blog and a podcast, both run by teenagers of the same age in the same city in the same bar, becoming really popular and actually viral. Who even reads blogs anymore anyway? (Says while writing in a blog). It was just quite hard to believe so many people read Behind the Music that even ROLLING STONE became interested. Yeah sure this extremely known successful music magazine wants a fresh out of high school blogger to work for them. And then the podcast. What could two teens have to say to have a podcast so popular that when Cullen uploads Luke's song it literally gets millions of reproductions and attracts attention everywhere. And both of them being run by two people working in the same place, going to the same high school… the world is not actually that small. Sorry it's just kind of extremely unrealistic and didn't particularly like that part. 
Marina: Seeing the “behind-the-scenes” of the day to day of a podcast was very interesting. I guess it would have been better if Cullen told the story as he is the one that does most of the work. Also, how did they get that famous? Is it just because of their dad? I don’t really get it. On the other side, I find it incredibly unbelievable that a teenage girl has that much input on a music blog that isn’t even hers and gets to go to concerts and stuff like that. I get that Phil is a cool guy but how come the blog is so famous and he doesn’t really care about it or mentions it much during the book besides sending Vada places? I just don’t understand that.
Overall
Ariadna: Honestly, I’m not one for YA romance novels, I think I’ve outgrown them by far, and they usually bore me. That said, this book has surprised me for good. It is a light read, doesn’t follow the genre clichés, it doesn’t make everything revolve around the main characters’ love interest, the supporting characters have personalities of their own and it has a wide-ranged well-put playlist, which I think is great for teens and young adults to read. I particularly didn’t like the religious issues coming up from time to time, but, overall, this is the best written book of the three we’ve already read for Folie a Trois, and that’s a lot to say! 
Alicia: Overall it was a really cute book. Initially it took me a while to get into it cause the plot wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, that was a tad disappointing. But then once you begin knowing the characters and they begin to know each other as well it's quite captivating and easy and quick to read. I really enjoyed the love story, I loved how diverse the characters are and how they interacted. I really like how the plot develops, too. If you're looking for a soft, cute, easy enjoyable read I definitely recommend this one. 
Marina: As most YA books that I read, it was entertaining but it didn't change my life. I really did like Vada and Luke's relationship, as I said I find it more mature for this genre; the music was a big highlight and the drama wasn't overwhelmingly dumb (as is the case in some other books). Overall a good book for summer and a light read for any other season ;)
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bitchsexuality · 3 years
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i need to scream into the void for a bit so vent post under the cut
my mom is obsessed with me getting a job which like. i DO understand why and i AM trying to find something long-term that i can handle without having Psychotic Breakdown #234928
well. ok i mean technically she’s obsessed with me studying, not just getting any random job, because... honestly as much as i love her i know that she’s trying to live through me in a way and she has lots of frustrated dreams. and i guess she kind of wants to make sure that doesn’t happen to me too but mostly she just wants to see me as an investment that paid off so that her mistakes don’t seem as bad to her in retrospect
i’m not projecting or assuming there, that is 100% what is happening. and it’s been happening for a long LONG time. like when i graduated high school after dropping out because of Psychotic Breakdown #5 (The Big One!) she said that it was all thanks to her because i wouldn’t have made the effort if she hadn’t pressured/encouraged me to which is. absolutely false, dumb as shit and frankly insulting lmao
Anyway. she’s constantly telling me to find something i love to study so i can get a job i love! and be emotionally fulfilled and feel like i have a purpose! or whatever! but the problem is (i’m gonna make a list it’s easier for me):
- there are only like. four things i consistently enjoy. and that’s rounding up
- if one of those things goes from “thing that i like/that distracts me and relaxes me” to “thing that i have to do every day because my life depends on it” then it’s going to stop being something i enjoy really fucking fast, so in the end doing something i don’t particularly like would be BETTER for me because the end result would be pretty much the same BUT i wouldn’t lose one of the At Best Four Things I Enjoy
- probably repeating myself here but it’s important to note that literally i can NOT think of anything less emotionally fulfilling for me than a job. not saying that’s an universal thing of course but the like, structure and feeling of dependency that come with a job would absolutely ruin everything else for me no matter how good it is/seems
- studying is hell for me because the academic environment and all the pressure + obligations involved fuck me up VERY BADLY so even if i found something i love (but not too much) it’d take me like... 7 years to get a degree depending on how long the major is supposed to be for people who don’t regularly have Big Bitch Breakdowns
i probably fucked up the order in which these should be but whatever. the point is that i am NOT going to find my ~vocational calling~ because i probably do not even HAVE a ~vocational calling~. and studying some random thing for the sake of making my mom happy would genuinely just be a waste of time and maybe not lead anywhere because. y’know. a degree does not guarantee a job. so whatever
kinda lost where i was going with this at first but i needed to rant and i’m getting there now. because what finally made me go “ok i’ve had enough i need to write a weird journal on tumblr dot org now” is that she’s currently obsessed with me studying programming. of all fucking things.
like the thing is that whenever i talk to her about my hobbies she’s like “OH THIS COULD BE YOUR JOB STUDY THIS”. and she knows that i a) like videogames, b) would VERY MUCH prefer to work from home, because c) going outside on a regular basis usually makes me uncomfortable and d) my #1 favorite activity is staying in the same spot (often a chair) all day
so for her the very obvious logic there is some kind of youtube recommendation reach of “you like videogames so you will like programming, which is used to make videogames”. and also “you’re good with languages so you’ll be good at programming because uhh Programming Language???” (and completely ignores the part where i keep telling her that i’m not good with languages, i just speak english fluently because i do everything in english so it sticks, and even that just started out of necessity because i fucking refused to play videogames with spanish-from-spain aka Worst Spanish translations/voiceovers, and i’m pretty sure that if i tried to do the same with Programming Language??? it’d either be impossible or give me a migraine because i’m 95% sure you’re not supposed to play videogames by just like. looking at the code).
and HERE IS THE PART THAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY FOR LIKE 11 PARAGRAPHS NOW I LOST COUNT: i did try basic programming once and it was awful because... ok honestly i was going to blame it on Probably Dyscalculia Brain but not everything is because of Problems Brain, even for me, who is 99% Problems Brain. i just think it’s very hard and i don’t get it. and yeah i guess maybe i could do it if i spent a long time trying, but like if the idea here is “get a job soon” i don’t think that “spend 11 years learning how to program” is. the best way to do it.
but my mom has this thing where like... she thinks that all those things that i have been talking about for 12 paragraphs are a result of me just being like. stupid? naive? idk. like i don’t understand that the way i’m handling everything is kind of fucking up my life, so it’s a Big Deal. but. i know that. i absolutely know that. and it’s terrifying and upsetting and etc etc etc i was going to overshare more about my current state of mind (bad) and my emotional stability (none) but uh. better not.
so she keeps sending me stuff that i guess she thinks will suddenly make me go “oh thanks mom this article from lifetipsthathelpandaregoodforyou dot blogspot dot com made me rethink my entire life and i know The Way now!!!!”. which is. annoying. AND today’s was an article about how programming is the job of the future and it’s well-paid. and i just. don’t know what to reply to that. like i literally told her “no, i don’t think programming is for me, i know it’s in high demand now and it pays very well, the issue is not that i don’t UNDERSTAND THAT, it’s that i’m just not good at it? and it requires a lot of practice?” and her answer is essentially “you’re wrong <3″ (even though, for the record, she knows even less about programming than i do)
the way i phrased all of that makes it sound super stupid i know but mostly i just don’t know how to deal with her or how to make her happy anymore because it’s like. nothing is enough for her? her idea is “get a job NOW. study NOW. get a job based on what you’re studying WHILE YOU’RE STUDYING it now. learn programming IMMEDIATELY programming pays well. STUDY LITERATURE (the thing that i wanted to do but didn’t) AND LIKE ABSORB PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE FROM THE INTERNET AND PROGRAM (it pays well) WHILE UHH ALSO STUDYING BIOLOGY (another thing that i wanted to do but didn’t)” and then “if you don’t do these things it’s because you’re too stupid to realize they’re important. you need me to constantly tell you that you’re fucking up your life because you’re stupid. if you fail it’s your fault. if you do well it’s all because of me”.
it’s like. fucking exhausting. maybe i’m exaggerating and of course the programming thing isn’t the biggest issue here but it’s kind of... all of this has been happening for years, as i said, and i feel it’s been getting worse and worse, so her new obsession with programming is just a tiny little bit/symptom of that but also uh *checks linguee* the straw that broke the camel’s back
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September 3rd, 2020
Dear Taylor,
My boyfriend Wesley and I have been together for about a year and five months now. It has been wonderful! I think we’re so great together. But there’s something that hasn’t happened between us that will occasionally weigh on my mind and heart..... he hasn’t told me that he loves me yet....
It’s funny because when we first met (on a dating app) he wanted to meet right away but dating apps are scary and I wasn’t comfortable with that. So we started by talking on the phone. Our phone conversations would last hours and hours and we would talk most every day. Then he was begging me to at least FaceTime and I was so nervous because I’m very insecure about my appearance so I put it off as long as I could. But then we did and like our phone calls, it was amazing and lasted hours. Then after about 3 weeks from our first message, we finally went on a date. He was so patient and so wonderful to do that. To understand my uneasiness and wait for me. He even makes fun of me now cause he said he hates waiting that long but it was worth it for me. Then after about a month of dates and hanging out every weekend, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wasn’t ready to say yes. I had never had a boyfriend before, I truly thought it wouldn’t happen for me and while I loved spending time with him, I was still a little hesitant about him. And he understood that so we kept doing what we were doing. Then probably more than a month later I finally asked him to be my boyfriend and obviously he said yes and were official. He was always the forward one, always the one to jump right into things. I even remember thinking that he would say “the L word” way before I was ready, just considering our entire history of how we became official. Well, I was wrong. So wrong.
After our 6th month anniversary, I started to realize that I did love him and I was freaking out about it. I didn’t know what to with that information. I wanted to say something but I felt like I needed him to say it first. I even did ridiculous internet research about when people in relationships typically say it and who says it and feels it first. Usually, it’s around the 3 month mark and it’s the guy who feels and says it first. I also read that it’s important for the guy to say it first. Not because he’s the guy and that’s “tradition” but also because it means more to the girl if he does. And the girl saying it first could potentially ruin a very special moment for her. So I tried to wait because it couldn’t be that long right? Well one weekend, I was in a funk. I couldn’t get myself to be happy. And then I found an old notebook of his from college that he said I could look through. And in the back of it, I found all of these sad love quotes. There were so many of them and when I read them all, my heart shattered and I just started crying. They were so sad and so passionate. I couldn’t help but think that he wrote them thinking of someone in particular and I just couldn’t imagine him feeling that way about me. He’s not the most lovey-dovey in his feelings kind of person at all. Even though he’s goofy and fun, he has a very stoic personality as well and just doesn’t really get affected emotionally by a lot of things. So it hurt to think that he potentially was emotional about someone else. That night, he went to bed and I stayed up and just re-read all of them and cried four hours. It really hurt. The next day, I was in the worst mood and he kept asking me why and I just couldn’t give him an answer because again, I didn’t want to force anything out of him. But I eventually just had to tell him what was bothering me. I told him that I loved him and that I thought he didn’t feel the same way. And he said I was right. And girl, I can’t even tell you how much that hurt. I instantly started crying. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so bad. But he told me the reason was because he had never felt that way about anyone outside of his family and he just doesn’t know what that feels like. But he’s had previous long-term relationships with other women so when I asked about them, he confessed that he did tell some of them that he loved them but that he didn’t mean it. He might’ve thought he meant it at the time but looking back, he didn’t and felt obligated. So then I brought up the notebook and those quotes and he said that after college, he was seeing someone for a short time that he really liked but she betrayed him somehow ()2 was also being jobless) and wrote those quotes down because it was just a hard time in his life. He assured me that it wasn’t because he was in love with her but that he was just sad. And I believe him but a small part of me has a hard time accepting that. He could’ve been in love and just didn’t realize it. Anyways, I was so upset and I thought that it might’ve been over between us but he told me he still wanted to be with me. I took a day to be upset and to think things over but obviously we’re still together. When I was feeling better, I even made a goal to get him to fall in love with me lol.
We went back to normal for the next 9ish months but it’s always something I just kind of think about. Especially if something’s coming up, I’ll think “hmm... Valentine’s Day is coming up, maybe he’ll say it then” or “he will definitely tell me on our anniversary”, and “literally all I want for my birthday is for him to say it” but he never does. Near the end of May, I was going through one of my rough, sad weeks so I had a “check in” with him about it. I wasn’t hysterical this time and tried to make it kind of easy & casual. Honestly, I don’t remember much of that whole conversation but the gist of it was that he was still not ready to say it.
So that brings us to now. These last couple of days, it’s been all I can think about and I feel like I might have to have another check in with him. But I’m so scared to. Whatever happens, I just wanna make sure that we’re still together. He’s so sweet and I know he cares about me so much! He’s always interested in everything I do. He encourages me in all of my weirdness and has helped me stay positive during these last couple of months of unemployment whereas last time, I was deeply depressed. He gives me a wake up call every morning and an afternoon call when he’s done with work because he wants to. He’s not the most romantic person but he makes up for it in smaller ways. He’s the only person in the world that I’ve told absolutely everything to and without hesitation. He’s never judged me for any of my interests or hobbies or anything. It’s cliche but he is the greatest, most loyal and bestest friend I have ever had and that’s a big deal for me. I grew up thinking no one really enjoyed my company but he does. I can’t loose that. I’m just nervous that if I bring this up again, he might start to think “well, it has been awhile and I still don’t love her and clearly she needs to hear that from someone but that can’t be me so I have to breakup with her”. And I’m even more terrified of if we do breakup that he’ll meet someone more beautiful and more confident and someone who is just better than me in every way and fall in love her and actually tell her that. Then it proves that I was the problem all along. That the assumption I’ve always thought about myself being unlovable is true. And I don’t know if i could recover from that. I’ve always been a very insecure person so validation from anybody has always been important to me. I’ve just always wanted someone that’s not a family member to love me. I need it.
So, extremely long story short, I think I might tell him again this weekend but I’m so scared to. I love him so much and I can’t loose him, and I don’t want to ruin our relationship.
I really needed to vent about this so thank you! I love you so much Taylor, and I hope you have a great weekend!
Love, Annissa
@taylorswift @taylornation
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