#honestly the reaction to these fics has been so heartwarming

[demoiselledefortune]

shows I watched recently

Star Trek Strange New Worlds

I'm pretty new to Star Trek, having only starting watching it with Discovery. So it's not that easy to appeal to me by hitting on the nostalgia button. Nevertheless SNW really hit the spot; with overall excellent episodes and characters. It's not without some minor points that failed. A couple of episodes weren't as good as others, I was disappointed that we didn't get more episodes centering on Una or Ortega; and it's been also disappointing that asides from a blink-and-you'll-miss it nonbinary character and bisexual Chapel; the show has been lacking in queer content. At least it's on point in term of slashiness, with La'an (my favourite so far) and Una having some very interesting chemistry. The final of the season was a bit too referential to really work for me, but was still solid enough. I very much look forward to a second season (although so far, I still prefer Discovery as it is after it went through its growing pain).

Ms Marvel

I only read the first few issues of the comics before I ended up giving up on comics altogether about that time. I remember liking it a lot and finding it surprisingly relatable. The series has been following in those footsteps very well; being an overall excellent, heartwarming series centering on an awesome character and having a lot of relatable moments (American Jews might not understand why bitching about the female partition at your local religious center being such a second rate emplacement is such a relatable moment, but oh yeah). It suffers a bit from lacking focus however, and the Clandestines overall didn't work for me at all as an antagonist, from their overly sudden shift to extreme violence to their leader's eventual overly sudden shift to, errr, suicide and giving up her path. I felt pretty meh about tying them with such a broad and common mythology as djinns, though it worked a bit better latter where it seemed more that the myth predated them and just were assigned to them by locals. The whole passage in Pakistan, and lengthy flashback, while interesting in its own right, sucked the passing right out of a too short series to contain them. It also broke us from too many of the supporting cast that was allowing the show to shine. In the end the heart of the series were in the family and community relationships, though, and those really shone all the way through and including in the ending. In the end, none of the MCU series have been perfect, but I'll have a hard time picking my favorite between MsMarvel, Hawkeye and WandaVision.

Obi Wan Kenobi

This one is a bit older and I think I have less to say about it. I'm not really sure where up to I am in term of my Star Wars fanishness. It's never been one of my big fandom; but I did read a few Obikin fics back in the days on the down low, and I tend to consider Obi Wan my favourite Star Wars character from that context. Yet I obviously felt like a stranger to most of the fannish reactions I saw to the series. I did enjoy it. It especially shone thanks to the actors. Little Leia being amazing, Ewan McGregor being Ewan McGregor and therefore amazing. And so on. Lots of solid character work overall. I actually really like Reva's character arc and found its conclusion very moving and interesting. The storytelling wasn't quite as good and honestly felt a bit meandering. I feel this series could have been a bit shorter actually, and that there were a bit too many episodes with unlikely rescues. But overall a solid series.

#obi wan kenobi #ms marvel #strange new worlds #star trek #star wars #mcu

[deesarrachi]

I finished it! 31 ficlets for the 31 days in October, all collected into one series for your reading pleasure. Thanks again to @fytheuntamed for pulling this together and creating a pretty good warm up for nanowrimo lol. 

#untamed fall fest #the untamed #mdzs #cql #fanfiction #honestly the reaction to these fics has been so heartwarming #I haven't posted any of my writing in years but this is just so nice #every kudos is a little dopamine hit every morning

[rhetorical-ink]

Haikyuu!! SPOILERS: Chapter 401, How We Connect the Dots.

**PENULTIMATE SPOILERS BELOW**

I just posted a video with my live reactions to the chapter, but here are my highlights, because FURUDATE YOU MADMAN GENIUS. This chapter connected so much together. So, let’s do:

My Top 10 Thoughts on Haikyuu!! Chapter 401:

10. Of course. In true Furudate fashion, he has Kageyama block the spike from Hinata, BUT, what Kageyama doesn’t realize is all the training on the beach Shoyo has done to prepare for such a moment. And that heel kick! *swoons* Also, someone reacting to Season 4, Episode 9 of the anime, where Hinata kicks the ball back to himself called this happening all those months ago...Furudate is next level at foreshadowing. Not that we didn’t already know that.

9. Hey, remember how in the VERY FIRST chapter of Haikyuu!! Shoyo did this crazy run across the court to score? Yeah, Furudate knows we remember. And he pulls this -- and Kageyama’s beautiful reaction, only for --

-- Only for it to all be a DECOY. Kageyama, you made this monster, you know. I love that Shoyo has come all this way from wanting to score all the points to accepting that the decoy DOES have a vital role to play, and in this instance, it’s allowing Bokuto to score the winning point for the MSBY Black Jackals. Just look at that smile! And of course, Tanaka and Asahi KNOW the power of Hinata as a Decoy...because they’ve been in Bokuto’s shoes before. 

8. UGH, the aftermath of that moment is glorious, which will detail down below -- but I love Shoyo and Kageyama’s interaction, though. How they’re still keeping track of each other’s wins and losses, exhausting Miya, hilariously, and showing that they’re on equal footing now, after all these years. This chapter is just cementing the last several chapters’ worth of character development. 

7. ARE YOU SHIPPERS READY FOR YOUR FOOD?!

Because these next few pages were healing my shipper heart. I mean, yes, the Kagehina fanbase is raving right now, but let’s talk about THESE ships below, starting with:

Tsukishima x Yamaguchi:

So, Tsukishima, of course, is not sappy about any of this and just points out how the season’s just getting started (ready the fanfics, y’all). 

And of course, Yamaguchi wants to watch Tsuki play! Yachi says she’ll come too! I LOVE how just like he was with Akiteru, he doesn’t want them to come watch (even though we all know he’ll love it when they’re there). Now, some people have commented that Yamaguchi could be with Yachi, but y’all...Yachi is in Tokyo. Yamaguchi and Tsuki both live in Miyagi. I can’t wait for all the Sendai Frog/TsukiYama fanfics!

If you’re looking for an extra Kagehina crumble, just look at the end of this adorable exchange between Romero, smol adorable Rubens, and Shoyo (who perfectly crouches down to talk to him MY HEART I CAN’T), to see Kageyama notice that Shoyo can speak multiple languages...oh, honey! If only you know about Hinata and Pedro’s marathons of DBZ in Portugese and English! ^^

Also, Furudate WE SEE YOU. We see you being meta and implying that now Haikyuu!! is over, he’s moving on...Akaashi’s line about going forward hit me hard...it’s like he’s telling us, the fandom, that going on to start something new isn’t so bad. SO YOU SAY. 

BOKUAKA NATION -- WE CANON NOW, RIGHT?!

I love that Akaashi gets to interview Bokuto (IS HE GOING TO BE THE STAR of the Volleyball manga Tenma Udai is writing?! He would be PERFECT for it!) and how happy Akaashi looks, even if he and Bokuto realize how differently they view the term “normal.” 

ALSO, it’s implied above that Akaashi, Bokuto, and Tenma were going out for drinks...which now....we know that it’s just Bokuto and Akaashi, since Tenma was going home. Uhm, FAN FIC WRITERS ASSEMBLE!

I also love that Udai joins the club, along with Fukurodani’s coach and manager, of people who realize that Bokuto and Akaashi are weirdos but they are weirdos together, so it’s fine. 

Keeping the “Ship Train” going, we get little bits of Shimizu x Yachi from the bathhouse before the Inarizaki Match, where Kiyoko finally acknowledges she is okay showing her legs...thanks to Yachi’s words. I also find Suga wanting to know “the tea” on the situation to be adorable. 

AND FINALLY, YES, Y’ALL:

I was spoiled with Kuroo’s return, but seriously, Furudate, you saved him for the end here so INTENTIONALLY. 

Because OF COURSE Kuroo would work for the JVA. As a promoter. CONNECTING people...with Volleyball...because that’s the Nekoma way.

And FURUDATE ARE YOU SUGGESTING TO US THAT KUROO AND KENMA ARE BUSINESS PARTNERS AND COLLABORATORS BECAUSE MY KUROKEN HEART IS SOARING -- 

-- and let it be known Atsumu Miya rightfully doesn’t trust Kuroo, and neither does Sakusa. A nice SakuAtsu crumb where we actually see Sakusa agree with Miya without sacrasm or question! Poor Shoyo is a salesman’s dream, though. I mean, Kuroo does look a little sketchy in some of those shots...BUT....

6. Kuroo’s speech about sports was SO fitting. Seriously, everything he says here is BASICALLY what makes Haikyuu!! such a great series. I DID laugh out loud at the line about “hardly anybody dies.” 

*Flashbacks to “Dead Daichi” meme*

5. It’s taken us the ENTIRE series, but Kageyama finally talks to Kindaichi and Kunimi. This was so heartwarming, seeing Kageyama wanting to play WITH THEM. AS A TEAM. This made my heart expand three sizes. The character development on Kageyama, and Kindaichi, is through the roof.

I also LOVE Kunimi the most in these panels. Kunimi is a MOOD. 

Y’ALL. I’VE WAITED 400 CHAPTERS FOR THIS PANEL OF THESE THREE HAPPY AND BECOMING FRIENDS AGAIN.

4. I love that Hoshiumi doesn’t see Hinata as a Rival, but as someone that is going to help him show the rest of the world the strength of someone who doesn’t have height. I also find it interesting that we see the Japanese Olympic Coach walking out just as Hoshiumi gives us that beautiful gaze. So...does Hoshiumi know he’s going to be on the Olympic team, with Hinata, maybe? Foreshadowing, perhaps?

3. Okay, okay, I held it together until this page. 

It wasn’t Ushijima’s panel with Washijo that got me.

It wasn’t Saeko and Akane reuniting, though that was sweet. 

It wasn’t the three “Pure Captains” reuniting, though it made my heart happy.

It honestly wasn’t the five first years together, either. They’re all so happy and having a laugh at Kageyama’s expense, and as beautiful as that panel is.

SUGAWARA IN LINE TO GET KAGEYAMA’S AUTOGRAPH.

That is what got me. 

Him in line, so meekly, to get the autograph of his kouhai, the man Suga joked would have to tell about how much he learned from HIM when he was giving out interviews and autographs...I just...Sugawara made me cry. That is all. 

2. Then there’s this last page. 2021. 

"We overcame difficulties and stand here.”

Furudate really said “screw you” to Covid messing up the timeline.

Yes, seeing Kageyama and Hinata in their original jersey numbers was amazing, but I think we all saw that coming if these two happened to get on the Olympic team. 

What I want to focus on are the two countries we see included in the bottom corner here. We see: 

Brazil -- and some fluffy haired man carrying the flag for the team.

And we see the United States -- there’s several American Flags and stars and stripes on the shirts of the crowd, there.

SO, HEADCANON TIME: 

* Oikawa was on the Argentinean League, so could he play for Brazil? It’s not likely, but not impossible....BUT, I don’t think that’s it.

I don’t think Oikawa is on Japan’s National Team for the Olympics.

If he is on the Olympic Team, I think he’ll be on America’s. 

Why? Because, and this could be because I’m the biggest IwaOi shipper, but Iwaizumi was still in the United States with Ushijima’s father at the end of Chapter 395. And if he’s still there, there is no reason why Iwaizumi couldn’t be a physical trainer alongside Ushijima’s father for the U.S. Olympic team. And why wouldn’t Oikawa trek over to the States to be on the same team as Iwa-Chan’s working with? I’m probably wrong, BUT -- 

We also still need to see Seijoh’s banner, and as others have theorized, how fitting would it be to see Hinata, Kageyama, and (probably) Ushijima on the team facing Oikawa? I just....I’m betting money that Oikawa shows up in 402. I hope we at least see him on the Olympic Stage. OIKAWA DESERVES IT. 

1. So, who are we missing that hasn’t been shown yet?

We still need to see the rest of Nekoma (Lev, Yaku, Yamamoto, Kai....could they be in the stands or on the Japan team? I guess we’ll find out!)

We haven’t seen Daishou and Mika -- I would love to see them watching or narrating in the audience during the Olympic game.

And finally, yes, we’ve seen Tendo in the Chapter 395 flashback, but we’ve never seen what he’s DOING. Furudate has shown us with every character what they’ve been doing since the timeskip....EXCEPT TENDO. I’m calling it that he’ll appear one more time next chapter, too.

So....guys....I’m staying off of Social Media from Wednesday to Sunday next week, to prep for the last chapter and not be spoiled. I’m going to do a live reaction for YouTube, and I’ll post it here. You can see the one I did for 401 now. 

Furudate, this series has been immaculate. Time for one more round.

Let’s all cry together next week.

#Haikyuu!! #Haikyuu spoilers #Haikyuu 401 #Haikyuu 395 #Haikyuu theory #Haikyuu time skip #Hq spoilers #thank u furudate #furudate you genius #Y'ALL I CAN'T #Kagehina #Tsukiyama #Atsusaku #Bokuaka #Tenma Udai #Bokuto #Akaashi #kageya #hinata shoyo #ushijim #Iwaizumi #Iwaoi #Oikawa #Tendo #Sugawara #Suga made me cry #yamaguchi #tsukishima #sendai frogs #MSBY Black Jackals

[chicken-fifi]

For the writing game, 1, 2, 3, 22, 23 💛

1. Is there a favorite character or title you enjoy writing for the most?

I loved writing for Nichkhun and Jun.K from 2pm so much, Monsta X’s Shownu has been a blast too. I love writing for pretty much everyone that I’ve written fro thus far, and I do hope that the ones have yet to get anything get something soon.

(I needs to add a cut because dis be looooooong)

2. Is there a least favorite character or title you dislike writing for?

I don’t exactly have a least favorite but I am getting over whelmed by the amount of Eunhyuk and Super Junior requests I’ve gotten. I love them and all - they’re so much fun to write - but I really want other’s to be requested as well. These past few weeks have been the most diverse I’ve felt writing in a while. 

Don’t be a afraid to send in requests for them once they open back up. I’m still happy to write for them. 

3. Name a fanfic/story you are particularly proud of writing.

The first fanfic I wrote for Tumblr, Clouds of Smoke. I’m so proud of it being my first series and to think it’ll be coming to an end soon make me sad but also incredibly proud of myself. 

22. Care to share any future WIP ideas you have lined up?

I actually don’t have anything lined up as of yet. I’m definitely gonna start planning one or at least try to get a few ideas down. I have so many ideas get none have gotten more than a description and those were originally intended for wattpad. I’ll definitely be looking through those...

I’ll probably post a survey with a few to see what you guys would want to see once Clouds of Smoke is done.

23. Most memorable review/comment on a fic?

Imma be honest, I don’t get a lot of comments on stuff, but when I do they are so heartwarming and make my day so much brighter. Here are a few that I found just looking through:

@blacknoc said: THAT WAS SO SWEET 🦋✨ thank u for your time and effort i really appreciate itt

@muselin said : I am early and I love this. Can definitely imagine Eunhyuk being a little lazy in the morning 😆 after exhausting himself and his partner the night before (A/N: Honestly smae man)

@noellestrash said: don’t ever stop love! happy holidays!!

@writing-stuff-13 said: I LOVED THIS ONE!!! WHOEVER REQUESTED IT LET’S BE FRIENDS OMG and thanks for adding the ex members too!!

@itssoowonderful said: 😭😭😭 i loved it!!! Congrats dear author

@layzee-kpop: said: The difference between Baekhyun and Jongin always amazes me, I’m real life and in reactions/imagines. Baekhyun always is the type of person who would just do it and not really care where as Jongin in the complete opposite. (A/N: The contrast between them leaves me speechless. We got innocent little Nini and then the not so innocent Bacon)

@geminirules said: Oh my god this is the best wedding imagine I have ever read🥺💖 The letters I can’t it was so heartwarming and I now want to marry Lee Dongwook🙂💖 Thank you so much for this amazing oneshot and keep on going! x 🥰❤

@shaalk said: And then soon, Minseok will be more in love with the dog than her 😂 (A/N: This one had me dying realizing it was true)

These are only just name a few. The whole duck naming (they have all been named YAY!) and even the more recent ones have all made me smile and are so memorable. I love hearing from you guys so don’t be afraid to comment.

[quatschmachen]

Bitchumen

A nice heartwarming sort of xmas fic. Phone call takes place in 2000, the xmas in 1999.

Edward rants to someone about something.

XXX “Right, like you can actually understand what’s going on.” The sarcasm dripped thick like bitumen from Edward’s tongue, the sticky anger clinging to every surface.“You treating me with the polite decency of a stranger doesn’t actually make you a good person, Calvin – it doesn’t even make you a friend.”

Blowing a breath out, Edward rubbed his face, his shoulders stuck between wanting to spike up in stiff defense or simply drop down in defeat.

“Which is why you get the couch,” here his arms crossed, brooking no argument, “I don’t even know why you thought it was going to be fine just showing up, months after being an asshole thinking I would even put you up. I just know Edith would have you out on your ass, and honestly you’re lucky you got me when I was even in town. Hold on… Mr. Big Shot, you have enough money to get a fucking hotel room, why the shit am I even considering you to stay here with me? Why the hell am I not throwing you out on your ass?”

Another breath out, and Edward sighed, “No, this won’t do.”

With a slump, he plopped onto the couch, and glanced around his small living room, wondering why the hell he was even practicing this as a conversation. Calvin hadn’t dropped by in months. It wasn’t like he was going to any time soon. The lines had been clearly drawn, and even an entitled oil cowboy wasn’t going to pretend everything hadn’t changed.Apparently the weeks off were just giving him time to go crazy. Usually this would be the time he would jet off to Montreal, but instead he was stuck in his house losing it. He was worried if he showed up on Étienne’s doorstep he would just start crying. Definitely not a thing to do.

His thoughts were disrupted as the telephone began to ring. With a sigh, he rolled off the couch and grabbed it. “Hello?”

“Eddy!” Étienne’s voice rang out through the phone and wrapped around him like a warm hug.

“’Tienne,” Edward breathed out, automatically relaxing, he flomped down into the seat beside the telephone.

“I’ve been calling for weeks and thought you had died,” he joked, but the edge of worry was still there.

“Sort of had.” Edward murmured, “Actually I sort of moved out, I guess. Mac came down in January and I ended up moving north with him and picked up a hitch. Just got off and am laying around at home too dead to do anything.”

“Hitch?”

“Uhm working in the oil patch. Living at camp, pretty much isolated from the world…”

“Surrounded by big burly men? You could have at least sent me a postcard, Eddy,” Étienne teased, but there was an underlying tone Edward had difficulty deciphering, “I was thinking if it was my turn to come pull you out of the swamp of misery.”

“I guess I could have but… to be honest it all sort of just happened?” Edward sighed, “And once I was up in Fort Mac, and then out working, it’s difficult to really communicate. Just work till you drop, then into the camp to exercise or watch porn.”

“What? They actually supply porn?”

“And sometimes even prostitutes, but that’s apparently not truly allowed…” Edward paused, “but unfortunately no prostitutes were of interest to me.”

“How unfortunate. I was up to my eyeballs with inconvenient work,” Étienne paused, “Christmas was about the same as always, Suzette passes along her best wishes. The food was divine, and I ended up losing an arm-wrestling match to Élyse.”

Edward laughed, “What were the stakes?”

“Hmmm, well she got to eat my slice of cake; it was some terrible cake Samuel had made – yes I know, please believe me when I say he made this cake. Truly no real artisan of food would have produced something as terrible as that cake. I think it ostensibly was supposed to be a fruit cake – with a thick layer of chalky marzipan on top. Somehow he managed to over-alcohol a cake while having it be dry at the same time. I was ready to submit it to the Guinness Book of Records…”

“So why was Élyse battling you for your slice?”

“You see, I may have already had a fight or two with Samuel – he has some new boytoy, and he was being so insipid and sickly about it, I may have been ready to fight over any little thing. Élyse figured if I got rid of the slice via arm wrestling it could possibly save Christmas or something. Yadda yadda. Apparently no one seems to enjoy the Christmases when Samuel breaks down in angry tears and yells for an hour – not sure why when I find that sooooooo entertaining.”

“God I wish I was there for that… seeing Samuel’s face as if he was punched when he tries to cry elegantly is so therapeutic…” Edward murmured, “I feel like my Christmas was just me being the crying one.”

“Crying? What happened, Édouard?”

Squiggling in his seat, Edward wondered how much he should tell. A part of him wanted to spill it all, but another part wondered if that would be too much of an inconvenience. How much of his stupid worries did Étienne really want? Closing his eyes, Edward pretended they were in the same room together, maybe even touching, head on Étienne’s shoulder, not necessarily looking at the man, but bodies snuggled up, his hair getting played with. Those small stolen moments of bliss, where the worries got spilled, and he didn’t worry about the consequences.

“Christmas was so awkward; I don’t even know where to begin. The entire time I desperately wished I had gone to yours… it felt like the last time I try to be a functional person among them… hell, I only went because I thought maybe I could improve relations with people… start the new millennium off with some hope about the future.”

It really had been terrible. They had held it at the ranch – Bert’s ranch. Why the hell did he think hanging out with people at the ranch would be a good idea? Surrounded by people you probably should know better, but in reality only held passing pleasantries with. The one bright spot had been Calvin. Calvin who seemed to be best buddies with everyone who arrived, Calvin who smiled brightly at him and argued with him, distracting him from the knot of anxiety he was harbouring over whether he should come out during Christmas or hold off until New Years?

He was attempting small talk with Jo, who was talking at him about how they should go shopping together (did she not do other stuff?), when he overheard Bert loudly say “I personally don’t think those fags should be given the deal.”

It felt like time had slowed down for Edward. No one seemed to pause or care. Orson in fact nodded along with Bert’s rant, sipping his Sprite. Jo continued on with her plans for her next visit, and somewhere nearby Red laughed at a joke Madeline made. As he observed the room to see if there was any reaction to Bert’s loud rant, everyone was involved in their own conversations. Calvin was in the distance deep in conversation with someone he could not quite make out. 

Right, this was not the place. He still wanted turkey dinner, and as he dimly nodded along to Jo, Edward felt small. He had no allies here. Well, that wasn’t true. He was sure Edith supported him, but one in how many? Edward didn’t want to ‘ruin Christmas’.

“And you know how I’ve been thinking about coming out and stuff, but uh, can I just say no? If you were in the room you would understand – seriously Étienne, these people who claim to be my so called family would just as well lynch me as their Christmas bonfire – I dunno they could just douse me in bitumen and light me up human torch Christian martyr style for bringing the faggotry home for Christmas… Soooo I didn’t want to ruin Christmas and make the event awkward for everyone,” Edward related over the phone.

“And then horror of horrors, Orson managed to corner me in what he thinks is jovial conversation. It felt like everything he had to say to me was condescension masked in care and concern – honestly I am not sure how he even manages that. I think he felt like it was his civic duty to carry on a conversation with me. He even reminisced about the temple open house he dragged me to. Ok honestly I went to the open house out of curiosity, to see what sort of cult he’s in, but I didn’t think he would already be reminiscing about something that had literally JUST happened. Temple? Yeah, a Mormon temple just opened up in my city… so it meant I had the pleassssuuure of Orson coming up for the Open House and dragging me along. Stay with me? God no, please ‘Tienne I’m not that insane, what would I do if he snooped and found my big old dildo? Yeah he was staying with some church people since he was volunteering and such.”

“I think I wanted to die when he sat down at the piano – yeah, I didn’t even think Bert ever tuned that thing, but knowing Orson maybe he came extra early to tune it, and began banging out the Christmas carols. Like he’s talented and all, and I don’t mind a round of Jingle Bells, but he really has this creepy 1950s vibe and I wanted to roll my eyes when his eyes started to shine with unshed tears at Away in a Manger and O Holy Night.” Edward twisted the cord around his finger, as he listened to Étienne chuckle. Apparently the tactic was avoid talking about himself and instead rant about goody-two-shoes Orson? “You should count yourself lucky you don’t have to deal with him on a regular basis… mmm? Yeah he is kind, considerate and is literally the guy to volunteer for the worst tasks but there is something about him where he is a little too perfect? Like somehow can’t let my hair down around him type of deal. Which makes him perfect for Lilith – as she always has her hair up, haha.”

Edward had relaxed into his seat, somehow feeling lighter, as the words slipped out, “And then New Years was somehow worse… no I wasn’t at the ranch. I probably should have taken you up on your fireworks show, because the one here is uh Edmonton grade. You know – trying real hard but still somehow failing to miss the mark,” he chuckled at his own joke, not picking up on the strained tension from Étienne over the phone. “Calvin came up, which surprised me since I assumed he would want to be gallivanting about in Calgary, but apparently he wanted to spend it with his best buddy which is me? Somehow? Don’t worry Teddy, you’re still my best friend…” Edwards voice lowered, as he realized what he was about to say, admit. Pause. “So how was your New Years? Aahh why are you yelling – oh you’re saying I didn’t mention why New Years sucked? It’s because it wasn’t with you, darlin’.”

Somehow Edward couldn’t do it. Couldn’t quite bring himself around to admitting he had come out to Calvin. How he had fallen into a depression when he got outright rejected. “Hmm? Well, how else can I put it… while I could have been kissing you and sucking your cock, I instead got to hold Calvin’s hair back as he literally puked in my poinsettias… yes… mmhmm. The poor plant didn’t make it.”

Tangling his finger in the phone cord, Edward found himself relaxing as Étienne told him about his New Years event, feeling like he had dodged a bullet. The other man’s voice soothing him. Trying to be home for Christmas and the New Years - attempt to enter the new millennium as a man of his own place, had been a major mistake.

He should have kept to his original plans of escaping to Montreal, escaping his own clay dirt to mold himself into his own dream man.Sometimes he wondered if he loved Étienne or simply wanted to be Étienne. A complicated mixture of feelings confusing him ever more when it came to that man.

“Visit? I would love to visit… oh wait, you want to come visit me? When? Hmm let me… check my calendar.” Edward sat up, looking around, and then picked up the phone, carefully picking his way into the kitchen, so he could squint at the calendar. His telephone cord ran out though, so he had to do an awkward strain, trying not to unplug the phone, while seeing his own scribbled-in life.

Well… the only thing really was his work shifts. Everything else a blank. “How does this time work? You’re booked up. Alright…” Edward and Étienne haggled over dates, until somehow, it lined up that Edward was going to Montreal. A subtle shift, but as Edward said with some practicality – that’s just how it lined up. As he hung up the phone, he wrote down the date of his trip, feeling better. Now in between work was a small bright spot, one small thing to look forward to.He was not as friendless as he thought, and, perhaps with enough courage, he could finish his New Years story.        

#quatschfic #pc: edmonton #pc: montreal #pc: calgary #pc: alberta #pc: cardston #bitchumen

[v-hope]

Tomorrow

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, Ex to Lovers!AU, implied College!AU

Word Count: 1.7k

Request: No, this is just me taking another bit of my parents' love story and turning it into a Yoongi fic lol

Summary: Running into your ex at a club and acting as if you're doing great without him? Nailed it. Controlling your tears once the two of you parted ways again and stopping your best friend from going up to scold him for making you cry? Well...

But hey, you'd have to thank her later.

“What did you tell Y/N, you dick?”

If Yoongi hadn't turned around at the sound of your name being so loudly said, with the intention of him properly hearing it over the booming music in the club, he sure as hell did when that same question was followed by two harsh taps on his shoulder; turning around with furrowed eyebrows, only to grow even more confused after seeing your best friend standing right in front of him looking like she was about to kill him any point by then.

“What are you talking about?” he cluelessly wondered.

Your friend exhaled in frustration. “She ran into you earlier and she's been outside crying for the past five minutes” she informed him. “What did you tell her?”

“Nothing bad?” he pouted in confusion. “I just told her I was here with my friends having fun and that was it”.

“You absolute moron” she ran her hands over her face. “Go fix this”.

Yoongi scoffed – disbelief written all over his face. “What? I just told you I d–”

“Okay, stay here” she let him know she was having none of it with a shrug, gazing over Yoongi's dumbfounded friends before locking eyes with him once again, “just know your ex is outside crying because of you”.

With that, she turned around to leave a very stunned and conflicted Yoongi.

Ex, that word being used in reference to you still feeling so surreal. So damn… wrong.

His friends tried their best to stop him from going to you – not only because they saw their plans for the night about to be ruined, but also because they knew going to comfort the one person you had dated for so long and were still not completely over was not the healthiest of decisions when you were trying to move on with your life.

However, no matter how hard they tried to convince him not to, Yoongi ended up walking outside of the club anyway; zipping his jacket all the way up as soon as he was hit with some light rain and the cold breeze of the night, before his eyes quickly looked around for you.

It took him less than four seconds to find your figure a few meters away from him, sitting down by the wall of the building with your legs hugged to your chest and your face resting on your knees, as the only thing protecting you from the rain was an ocean blue jacket he did not recognize as yours.

Although he could not see your face, the sight of your body trembling with each breath you took was enough to make his heart clench.

Any other time, he would've scolded you for being unwary enough to be outside of a place like this all alone at past two in the morning. What he did now, however, was pushing that protective instinct of his aside and walk over to you – taking a seat by your side on the already wet floor and remaining silent for a few seconds, as he tried to find the right words to say, or at least to make you acknowledge his presence.

“So much for being great, huh?” he let out after what felt like forever to try and light up the mood, instantly realising he had done the exact opposite when you sat up straight to look him coldly as ever in the eye.

“You're such a jerk” you bit back, pressing your hands down on the floor so you could stand up.

“Wait, no” Yoongi stopped you by grabbing your wrist. “Sorry” his eyes searched for yours – his heart aching once again after realising how red and puffy they were, “I didn't know what to say”.

“Anything but that would've been nice” you shook your head, snatching your arm away from his hand. “Go back inside, Yoongi. I want to be alone”.

Only you did not, and he knew it, which is why he paid no mind to your words. Nevertheless, he understood he wasn't the best of companies for you right then, and so he decided to respect that and keep his distance from you.

“I honestly thought you were doing fine, Y/N” he confessed softly. “You were so bubbly when we ran into each other and–”

“It's called putting on an act” you cut him off, remaining just as cold as you were before. “I wanted to be mature about our breakup, but I had just ended up face to face with my ex in a club, who started rubbing it in my face just how much fun he was having with his friends, how do you think I felt?”

A loud, annoyed scoff escaped Yoongi's mouth at your words. “You were out with your friends having fun too, do I have to remind you?”

You shook your head, resting it on the wall not to look at him. “It's different”.

“Please enlighten me” he huffed, shaking his head as well.

“Because we're here for different reasons” you simply stated, instinctively locking eyes with him to make your point more clear. “I'm here in hopes of getting my mind off you by dancing with my friends or even, if I'm lucky enough, to meet someone who will finally help me get over you” you confessed; being so caught up in your own feelings that you missed the way his eyes had filled with hurt at the mention of you and someone else, “whereas you're here just because of that… to have fun with your friends” you shrugged, feeling your vision become blurry again. “So I'm sorry I'm here and I ruined your night, it was never my intention. Maybe to you four months is enough to get over a three year relationship, but not all of us can be so good at moving on” you finished rather bitterly.

“You think this has been easy for me?” his eyebrows knitted together before he squinted his eyes. “You really believe I can get over you and what we had just like that?”

“Isn't that what you so happily said when we met inside?” you tilted your head questioningly, and, although you had tried to seem threatening, your voice betrayed you by coming out as nothing but a soft whisper.

“You're not the only one who knows how to put on an act” he mumbled, lowering his head for he didn't have enough courage to say that while looking into your eyes.

“What's that supposed to mean?” you asked not even a second after, your heart urging to know the answer.

Yoongi inhaled deeply, throwing his head back and closing his eyes; allowing the faint drops of water to directly hit his face for a few seconds before the rain became stronger.

“Come on” he pushed your previous question aside, “I'm taking you home”.

You saw your chance of ever getting to talk things out vanish right in front of your eyes when he stood up in silence, letting you know the conversation was over the moment he reached his hand out to help you up to your feet.

“Yoongi…” his name being said ever so softly by you did something to his heart.

It had almost sounded as if you were scared you would never see him again. And you were, which is why you hesitated to hold his hand, somehow feeling that if you did then that would be it; that if you did take his hand, he'd drop you off at your place and you'd see the last of him.

Yoongi sighed after a few seconds of you doing nothing but absently stare to his fingers, not needing anything else to know what was troubling you so much.

That was the reason he kneeled down in front of you, gently cupping your face to reassuringly let you know: “We're both vulnerable right now. Let's talk about this tomorrow when our minds are clearer, yeah?”

You bit the inside of your cheek at his proposal, brightening up not only at the glimpse of hope his words had brought to you, but also because you knew then he didn't want this conversation to be over and forgotten either. So, nodding your head with a sweet yet weak smile of your own, mirroring the one that had just curved up his lips, you allowed him to place his hands on your upper arms as he finally helped you up.

“Let's go” he held your hand tightly to drag you with him.

“Oh, wait!” you stopped him right after you had unconsciously hugged to your body the jacket you were wearing. “I should leave this here”.

“But it's raining” he spoke in a pout. “I'm sure your friend will understand if you take it, you can give it b–”

“Oh, it's not my friend's” you denied his beliefs immediately, “a drunk guy lent it to me earlier”.

“Say what again?” his unamused reaction earned a chuckle from you, being completely oblivious to the way Yoongi's heart had jumped at the sound of your laugh after all those months.

“I don't even know who it was, maybe I know him from campus” you shrugged, starting to slowly take the warm piece of clothing off, “he just sat by my side and started talking to me while I cried, and when it started raining he just put his jacket on me and left”.

“What a heartwarming story” Yoongi said cynically, causing you to roll your eyes. “But yeah, let's just leave it here so he can find it later” he took it from your hands so he could place it somewhere not entirely wet because of the rain yet, later turning around as his hands moved to unzip his own jacket, “you can have mine for now”.

This time a giggle escaped your mouth, making yourself comfortable inside his cozy clothes with his help. “Jealous much?” you pushed it before you could even stop yourself – for a moment there having felt like things were back to what they once were before.

Much to your relief, Yoongi didn't mind it at all. If anything, he smirked, rushing to pull up the zip until the black fabric was slightly hovering over your mouth.

“Tomorrow” he stated calmly – his action of pulling the hat attached to his jacket over your head keeping him from catching the sparkle that had just showed up in your eyes. “We'll talk about us tomorrow”.

#bts #bts imagine #min yoongi #yoongi imagines #yoongi fluff #bts fluff #kpop #kpop fanfic #bts fanfic #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts reactions #bts x reader #min yoongi x reader #bts yoongi #bts suga #bts angst #yoongi angst #yoongi fanfic #yoongi scenarios

[starshua]

c.sc ❥ deluge

seungcheol x reader; 100wtsily

word count; 1.1k

synopsis; a school project on a rainy day with none other than choi seungcheol himself ; drabble, fluff + based on wtsily prompt 35, “after you.”

✎ hello it has been roughly a year and seven months since i’ve posted any seventeen fic at all and i am. ashamed

You’ve probably never been this nervous in your entire life.

You knew taking this class was a mistake. It was going to be nearly impossible for you, what with the workload and the damage it would surely do to your anxiety. But still you pressed on, determined to grow even in the smallest of ways, and so there you were with what might have been the most ludicrous assignment you could have been assigned: write a speech about your classmate.

The document with all of your instructions sat waiting on your laptop screen, mocking you for your cowardice. Your speech was due in three days, and you haven’t even met with your partner to hold an interview, let alone actually constructed the damn thing. To your credit, you did attempt a meeting once before—last Thursday, after class—but he had been busy, or something.

In fact, he always seemed busy. He was involved with the school council somehow, though you weren’t quite sure about the details, and popped up just about everywhere on campus to lend a helping hand or deal with an issue. You didn’t want to blame him for being so unavailable—he was doing good work, after all, and he really was very sweet—but you were not going to sacrifice your grade in this hellish class just because he was nice.

“Hey, y/n!” he called, walking briskly through the double doors of the library. It was raining outside, and he was positively drenched, dripping wildly from head to toe. He took the seat across from you and shed his soaking jacket. You tried not to stare at the damp hair that clung to his forehead.

“Hi, Seungcheol,” you said. He was a little bit late, and though you attributed it to the rain, it still left a bitter taste in your mouth. “Let’s get started.”

“Oh, yeah, sure!” Swiftly, Seungcheol pulled his laptop out and set it down on the table. “D’you wanna go first? Since my speaking day is next week, anyway, and I already got a little on you last class.”

You nodded tersely. Seungcheol’s face didn’t change, but you caught the involuntary twitch of his jaw and knew he was a little peeved by your attitude. You didn’t mean to snub him, really, but something about him set you on edge. He was too kind, too helpful, too attractive, and you had a hard time believing he was so without fault.

“So,” you said, opening a blank document for notes, “tell me about yourself. Life story kind of stuff.”

Seungcheol obliged with little difficulty, and his eagerness shocked you. He was from a small town just a few hours north, he explained, and he came from a family that couldn’t really provide for him as well as they wished they could have. He came to school with an academic scholarship, and he worried a lot about his grades even though he didn’t really need to. He had two close friends his age—Jeonghan and Joshua—that he went on a trip with every summer. Last year they went to a scenic town on the coast and wrote songs on the beach, drunk on cheap wine and moonlit adventure.

You watched the way Seungcheol’s eyes lit up as he talked about his friends, describing their shenanigans like they meant the world to him. The fondness on his face when he spoke of his mother was heartwarming, too, and the stony indifference in regard to his father wasn’t lost on you. You were beginning to see the scars, the little bruises he hid behind convincing smiles and a good attitude, and it made him seem a lot more human than he had twenty minutes ago. His passion is what sold it, though; the spark in his laugh as he talked about his loved ones, his dreams, his future. He almost seemed to glow with certainty.

It may have been foolish, but you felt like the two of you were connecting. He was being very personal—much more so than the assignment required, and you were certain he knew that—and he seemed to want the same from you, if the probing in his watchful gaze was anything to go by.

“So, yeah. I’m really into music production and songwriting,” he continued. “My mom helped me get really into it—that’s how my parents met, actually—and I’ve been doing it for about six years now?”

You nodded to encourage him, typing dutifully. You were sure you had gotten enough material, but something in you didn’t want to let the moment slip away. It felt like you’d never see that look in his eyes again if he left now.

Besides, you told yourself, you still had to return the favor.

“Okay, can you tell me a little bit more about—?” you faltered. The lights above you flickered, and with them, the whole library went black. You made alarmed eye contact with Seungcheol in the darkness; he looked as unsettled as you felt. The room went quiet.

A moment passed. Like a stuttering breath, the lights struggled back on. Outside, the wind raged against the trees meant to shield you. Rain fell in heavy waves, and thunder screamed across the sky. You caught sight of something—perhaps an umbrella?—caught in the torrent, rocketing through the air like a lost missile. How had you missed the nasty turn the weather had taken?

“You wanna get out of here?” Seungcheol offered tentatively.

You didn’t, not really, but you also kind of wanted to be able to find your way back to your dorm, and that would only be easy before nightfall. “Sure.”

He stood and grabbed his backpack, slinging a strap over one shoulder. You hurried to put your things away, and after a moment, Seungcheol came to help you. It was honestly more of a hindrance than a help—such a mess of limbs and movement—but it warmed your heart all the same.

“So?” he asked, slipping his jacket on as the two of you edged closer to the library exit, “Where do you wanna go?”

“Huh?”

Seungcheol smiled fondly, almost like he found your reaction cute. Cute. The thought made your head spin. “To continue the interview? And maybe eat a little?”

“O-oh. My dorm?”

“Ooh, bold. Taking me home already?”

You fought a blush in vain. “I meant the study rooms on the first floor!”

He laughed. “I know.” The automatic doors dragged themselves open, and a fresh wave of rainwater smacked Seungcheol right in the face. He flinched but stood otherwise frozen. You coughed out a laugh. He eyed you teasingly and gestured toward the storm, blinking back droplets. “After you.”

You smiled. Adrenaline surging, you grabbed his hand and dashed off into the deluge, Seungcheol trailing raucous laughter behind you. It was freezing, and the two of you were soaked to the bone in seconds, but it was exhilarating all the same. His hand was warm in your grasp, and somewhere in the mess of rain and wind, you felt his fingers encircle yours.

Maybe this class wouldn’t be so bad.

#got a vern scenario on the way hopefully #i pulled this out of my ass #i'm not even rly proud of this bc it's based off of smth i actually had to do !! ah the joys of university #shoutout to my speech partner #seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen drabbles #seventeen fluff #choi seungcheol #seventeen s.coups #s.coups scenarios #s.coups drabble #s.coups fluff #seventeen seungcheol #seungcheol scenarios #seungcheol drabble #seungcheol fluff #t: 100wtsily

[fangirltothefullest]

Bit of a rant, please ignore me I am off to bed.

How terribly dreadful that the play I have to design costumes for as my capstone is a traveling and sad story about an 8 year old boy that feels miserable and sad and then eventually just dies from AIDS because his hemophilia transfusions gave him HIV during the AIDS crisis. 

I get that it is a deep topic but in every single class I have been in every teacher says “Before putting on any play, ask yourself, why now? Why put this play on now? How will it affect the audience, why will it affect the audience and how does it relate and connect to this very moment in the present?” 

Honestly? This feels less like a heartwarming tale of hope and more of an “this 8 year old died because people were unaware of the problem or how to help and basically you just gotta deal with this heartache cause life sucks and oh well.” 

I know that the man who wrote it did so because he lost his son this way and it was a way to cope but I know my professors, I know the theatre department- they saw it as a dramatic opportunity to tackle a hard subject and I am just unsure if this particular subject in this particular way is the best way to do it. After all, it’s somewhat frightening and super depressing watching a child get worse and worse when medicine has far advanced beyond that. Is this really  a good call right now?

READING this play made me cry because the idea of this little boy feeling so helpless and alone and scared for the majority of it is so sad and I keep asking myself, why now? Why are they putting this on now? All around us is chaos in the real world and we have to face real world problems of medical issues, bills we cannot pay, political turmoil, viewpoint upheavals, and fear from every corner at the unknown or different. Who would willingly want to see a play that reflects real life in such a sad and tragic way? Do they just want the audience to be sad because the topic is sad? I feel like that’s almost cheating. You know going in that this is going to be sad because it deals with AIDS and HIV. If they don;t do this EXTREMELY well it;s going to lose any potential it had to being meaningful and it will slide right into depressed-ville. 

I just can’t understand. It’s the same reason why I can’t stand to read cancer fics- it always ends sad and the world is already sad and full of death and doom and gloom, why do we need to shove harsh reality in our faces? Most people use all forms of visual media as an escape, why does every play have to have some sort of heavy philosophical meaning? Especially when AIDS/HIV is not a death sentence any more and there is actually far more hope now than there was when this play is set. It feels as though they chose this play because they wanted to seem like they’re so cool and edgy for choosing a play about AIDS to ~create a discussion about the subject~ but I feel like they’re going to miss the point of the reason the playwright wrote it in the first place, miss the real meaning of it (because they tend to very much miss the meaning of plays in general) and produce something that is just a pity party instead of something that will cause a discussion. 

I fear the audience will not go home and study the subject but instead ask themselves why they went to watch something so depressing. 

Because this department seems to get that kind of reaction a lot from it’s audiences, the “why did they put this play on, it was so (emotional adjective). 

I worry my capstone (which is supposed to be a culmination of all that I’ve learned), limited by the restrictions of a small cast, limited by the fact that it’s going to be touring, limited by the possibility of them setting this in a weird time period because they like to do that, and limited by the strict and unmoveable director who creeps me the fuck out, will be needlessly hard for the sake of being hard instead of being a challenge or help show all that I have learned. 

#sfw #tashi rants #bedtime for me #uhg

[luninosity]

Okay! Time for a slightly longer Avengers: Endgame thoughts post!

First, I do really, really like the film overall, so let’s get that out of the way right now: I had moments of wanting to cheer, tearing up, all that, and I want to see it again immediately.

Having said that...I do have Some Thoughts, which are not 100% positive.

Spoiler warnings, obviously! Only read if you’ve seen/don’t mind spoilers!

First, the AWESOME. OH MY GOD SO MUCH AWESOME.

--STEVE IS WORTHY OH HELL YES *screams in delight* And Thor’s genuine excitement about this! So perfect!

--STEVE ROGERS STANDING ON THAT BATTLEFIELD FACING DOWN THANOS’S WHOLE ARMY. This is a brilliant Steve Rogers character moment, it’s a brilliant narrative moment, it’s a gorgeous shot visually, it’s EVERYTHING -

--AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE SHOWING UP AT HIS BACK, YES YES YES, I WANTED TO CHEER AND CRY, LOOK AT THEM ALL TOGETHER AND FORMING UP BEHIND STEVE AND “AVENGERS ASSEMBLE” AND *screams more*

--Valkyrie getting to be king! She already has ideas for change! It’s a small moment but so satisfying, seeing where she is now versus her introduction in Ragnarok.

--”AMERICA’S ASS”

--actually everything about that Steve-on-Steve fight scene, Chris Evans’ delivery of every single line, the name-drop of Bucky being what worked

--I actually really love pretty much all the time hops, and Tony going with “Howard Potts” as his alias is both hilarious and heartwarming

--Morgan! Tony being a Good Dad! 3000!

--cheeseburgers, oh god my heart, this moment actually made me tear up

--Tony’s death felt well-earned, satisfying, and in-character, and that “I am Iron Man” - oh god yes, see above about in-character and also heartwarming and heartwrenching simultaneously

--Sebastian Stan continues to be very pretty

--Thor doesn’t magically get his old pirate-angel body back - I have a LOT of other less positive thoughts about this representation, which we’ll get into in a sec - the thing is, I do like this one aspect of it, because he doesn’t need to be magically “healed” of his fatness or anything like that; he’s chubby and damn heroic and still good at being a hero, and speaking as someone who always struggles with weight, that was actually really lovely

--Paul Rudd continues to be weirdly superhumanly likeable

--Gamora’s reaction to Star-Lord

--Nebula! Karen Gillan is fantastic throughout, and so central to the storyline

--Sam taking the shield! I love this - Bucky’s tired of the fight, which Steve knows; Sam has the heart and the will, and he deserves it, and Bucky’s clearly fine with that, and I’m so excited to see Sam Wilson as Cap

--just everything overall felt so fulfilling, like, yes, this is good, thank you, MCU, thank you

The Ambivalent (sure, yeah, okay)

--Clint and Nat: I actually really like Nat’s choice and sacrifice, doing it knowingly, and it also feels in-character for her as a dedicated protector; I don’t quite get why we’re pushing Clint to the forefront so much in this movie when he’s been so absent, and I dislike the implication that he somehow has more to live for because he’s got a biological family, versus Nat’s found family

--Thor’s killing of Thanos and the “I went for the head” and also the arm - yeah, look, you learned something! But also...it really just makes you *not* doing that in Infinity War seem...even dumber. But at least you learned, I guess?

--the Girl Power(tm) moment in the final battle. You know, the super-unsubtle obvious shot. Like, part of me went YES!! and another part of me cringed because WOW, that felt...not at all organic and incredibly staged

--Steve Rogers part one: I don’t actually mind that he took a side trip and saw Peggy and got some closure. It’s a nice nod to the end of First Avenger. And I love Steve getting to retire - not die - as Cap: he can still do so much as himself, maybe art or activism or support groups or all of the above, and he deserves a chance to find out who Steve Rogers is when not Captain America. Having said that, this is ambivalent because I really don’t like how it was done. More on that later.

--I love that Harley showed up at Tony’s funeral, but at first neither I nor Awesome Husband knew who the random person even was. We figured it out, but if you don’t know, it’s really unclear

--Carol. She’s wonderful and amazing in every scene she’s in, but also...weirdly...underused. Were they afraid she was too powerful?

--maybe I’m just kinda over Chris Pratt, I don’t know, but a lot of his dialogue didn’t land right for me? Clunky. Trying too hard to be funny? Maybe.

--I don’t really understand how time travel works in the MCU, but whatever, let’s just roll with it

--Loki! Fantastic to see again, also underused, but I’m very curious to see what’s next

The Not So Positive

--ALL the Thor fat jokes. This is a big one, and it pulled me out of the movie as I was watching it, as this kept happening. It’s obviously a serious manifestation of his trauma and PTSD, and yet pretty much every single character cracks a joke, and no one actually tries to support him. I’m...not a fan of that. (Side note: having just rewatched Infinity War, there’re fat jokes there too, about Quill. Do the writers/directors have an issue with fatness?)

--after Nat dies, there’s a whole lot of scenes of Rooms Full of Only Dudes, and Primarily White Dudes, at that, directing the narrative

--speaking of, how about a memorial service for Nat?

--Steve Rogers part two. (We’ll get to Steve and Bucky in the next point; this one’s about the time travel.) Like I said above, I don’t mind him wanting to take a side trip and get closure; he deserves that. And if I’m understanding MCU time travel right, he created an alternate branch, so “our” reality still all happened and everything. So. My first problem here is that we can assume he spent that alternate reality still Being A Hero - fighting evil, saving Bucky, getting into a happy triad of Steve/Peggy/Bucky if you want to imagine that - but we’re not shown any of that. We’re shown him...suddenly pining a lot for Peggy, which feels odd anyway: part of Steve’s arc has been him finding his place in this new century and his new found family. And then we’re just shown the dance. SHOW US STEVE AS A HERO IN ALL TIMELINES, PLEASE. But I digress. If this is a branching timeline, the way Steve shows back up on the bench shouldn’t work. He shouldn’t just live through all the years and wander over to the bench at the right time, because he’s not in the right timeline for that. (Maybe there’s something we’re not shown, like him tinkering with his time travel GPS? If that’s the case it needed to be much clearer.) There’s also no particular reason he needs to get or stay old (maybe he wants to experience aging, idk?) - we’ve established that we can de-age, for example, Scott. And Steve Rogers is a stubborn kid who will always want to be able to fight whatever might be coming - even if he’s still retiring as Cap, doesn’t he want another few decades with his current family - Bucky, Sam, Clint, Morgan Stark, everybody? Now he’s...much older than everyone, physically and mentally, and I guess that can still work but...it’s going to be a whole strange adjustment for him and for everyone...but anyway, the time travel as it’s shown seems to...break their own rules, and also I don’t like how suddenly emphasized his desire for Peggy is in this film, and I don’t like having to just sort of...guess about what Steve does in that timeline. (Also, side note: why is *only* Steve returning all the stones? Wouldn’t having a partner be helpful? In case things go wrong, as things so often do? AS WE’VE SEEN IN THIS VERY MOVIE.)

--STEVE AND BUCKY. This is the other big one. We all know I am a Steve/Bucky fan, but honestly I’m not even factoring that in here. It’s not about shipping. It’s about the fact that Steve’s narrative arc, Steve’s character arc, has been so entwined with Bucky up to now - and here they barely interact. The person Steve lost - the person Steve keeps losing - is Bucky. The person Steve shares memories of couch cushions and moving in together and Sarah Rogers’ name with - is Bucky. We’ve had to the end of the line, we’ve had even when I had nothing I had Bucky, we’ve had (paraphrasing here, I know it’s not an exact quote) he said Bucky’s name and suddenly I was a kid in Brooklyn again, we’ve had all of Winter Soldier and the relevant parts of Civil War, we’ve established over and over, canonically, that Steve and Bucky save each other. Bucky knows Steve even through brainwashing. Steve fights to save and protect Bucky. They love each other. (Friends love each other. It’s okay to show that.) They sacrifice for each other. And that relationship - in a film that’s meant to be a culmination, a wrapping-up, and closure for Steve Rogers - is almost entirely absent. And I’m not okay with that, emotionally and also as a narrative choice for Steve’s arc - like, as a writer (and English professor!) myself, this legitimately bothers me. I don’t feel fulfilled and I don’t feel happy about it. Especially not - as in the article I reblogged a bit ago - when we’re given other reunions, like Tony’s joy at getting “the kid!” back, with real pathos. I know the film’s already over three hours, choices have to be made, etc. But we could’ve had fewer fat jokes and a few more seconds of Steve and Bucky interacting, y’know? I just...I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good or right.

Okay! Those are my thoughts.

Once again, I really really like the movie overall, and overall I am left happy and wanting to watch it again. That’s true. There’re just...some things.

I may or may not attempt to write my fix-it fic. There are so many already and I’m not sure what I could add that’s new, and I think I still don’t understand MCU time travel. But I also really want to deal with some of these emotions. We’ll see.

#endgame spoilers #avengers endgame #thoughts #avengers endgame spoilers

[soraegeeks]

Review: Quiet Rapture

Alright kids I’m back with another review/reaction piece, whatever you want to call it. Up next is Quiet Rapture a BKDK story by Lalazee. Set in the canon universe with Quirks but Izuku is Quirkless. The story is 22 chapters in right now and might be the first Alpha/Beta/Omega story I read. I think? Maybe? Anyway, before we get started a few things:

A. This will be a LONG piece. While I reread I ended up with eight pages of notes in my notebook. *smdh*

II. Warning for anyone planning to read QR there are discussions of past abuse, intimate partner violence, sexual assault, and violent acts so there are some dark moments.

三. Lalazee created thematic Spotify playlists and there’s a Quiet Rapture one that I’ve been listening to while reading, rereading and writing this.

Alright so let’s get rolling with the official summary:

“That ABO fic where cocky Alpha Bakugou falls in mate-love at first scent, while Midoriya is just a poor bookstore-owning Omega who got his nose punched in is a kid and can't smell a damn thing. Also known as: That time an Alpha had to use his actual personality to woo his mate instead of relying on his scent.”

Off the break we have Katsuki Bakugou losing his shit walking into the bookstore and being overwhelmed by Izuku Midoriya’s scent. I love the description of his scent:  “Thunderstorm, ozone, electricity.” I know EXACTLY what that ozone smell is. The smell of the air right before a thunderstorm. I was an adult before I found out that it wasn’t my imagination that there was a smell and a name for it.

So, Katsuki is overcome by his Alpha instincts and subsequently almost ends up with a broken nose. Izuku is no ordinary Omega and he was having none of that aggressive shit..and Katsuki was intrigued by this. Katsuki's inner Alpha, though,  immediately believes that Izuku is his mate. Imagine his shock upon learning that Izuku can’t smell him and he has to talk to explain what he’s smelling. HAAA! The twist that Izuku can’t smell anything so he isn’t driven by pheremones and uses his other senses to try and figure people out is so quirky. I can imagine Izuku cocking his head to the side with a look of curiosity. Then the ego popped up when Katsuki introduced himself. LAWD LOL “You at least owe me one damn date…” someone stop this fool. And Izuku easily just dismissed him and blew poor Katsuki’s damn mind.

A stakeout. Katsuki Bakugou and Kirishima Eijirou on a stakeout?! Oh, this is pure comedy!!! Katsui pumping out all of those damn Alpha pheromones and killing poor Kiri in the car. Please someone help Kiri as he gasps for air out of the window. BWAAAAA Kiri really wants him to get laid and chill out and he can’t figure out why Katsuki smells the way he does. And Katsuki’s ass is smelling the book he bought from Izuku like a lovesick puppy. Did they even gather any intel during their stakeout after all of their shenanigans?! LOL

Back to the bookstore and big bad Alpha Katsuki is in trouble again. Izuku is a FIGHTER and not going to let himself get boxed in by Katsuki’s Alpha shenanigans. (Shenanigans is my son’s favorite word and one of mine as well. LOL) ANNNDDDD we have now crossed the line. Katsuki scent marked Izuku without his consent. WOO BOY! No, Just NO!!!

We get some insight into Izuku and why he smells the way he does. In this telling Omega’s smell very sweet, almost pastry-like and Izuku has an earthy smell. By luck of genetics Izuku is an Omega with Alpha traits. His body could have presented as either one being dominant and the other recessive. As a result his scent is strong and suppressive drugs don’t work for him. Of course, this is something private that he doesn’t easily share.

Ok, Izuku’s cat Natsume isn’t a cat! That’s a small bear, I don’t care. LOL The headbutting and whining thing is very familiar. My cats act like the world is ending when the food level is low in their bowls. *smdh* Enter Hitoshi Shinsou!! I read the manga in addition to watching the anime and Shinsou has grown on me as one of my faves. I always love how his quiet, brooding character is portrayed. And he’s wearing the scarf. The LONG white scarf capture weapon!!!! And who the hell pops up out of nowhere but Katsuki in full-on Alpha protective mode. He shoved Shinsou into a bookshelf and when Shinsou realized who it was he looked like the cat who ate the canary. Immediately into how much can I tease without overstepping mode. Like oho my best friend purposely didn’t tell me who his “stalker” was, who scented him and it’s big bad Katsuki Bakugou who has never shown an interest in anyone. “As much as I love the whole mystery surrounding this, because – let’s face it – your life is about as exciting as a game of backgammon at the old folks’ home these days.” WHAATT???!!! LMAO Shinsou’s an ass but a master of diffusing a situation. LOL Izuku on the other hand is a firecracker. He was PISSSEEED off by Katsuki but his inner Omega was like ok let’s do this especially after finding out that Katsuki had cooked for him (a subconscious Alpha provision method)! I did find it interesting that Izuku didn’t notice/point out that Katsuki was overly familiar by calling him by his first name!!! Katsuki wants that damn date so bad and still feels entitled to it. *smh*

Whoahohoooo. What do we have here?! Katsuki had a wet dream (and apparently has BEEN having dreams) about Izuku. Lawd, his inner Alpha has it BAAADD! For the record, who the hell drinks scalding hot tea??!!! No one but this fool. LOL And why he thought that demanding a date as opposed to asking and confirming was a good idea. But ya know, Alpha who knows nothing about relationships especially not with a skittish mate. His “spiteful little Omega” is MORE than a match for him. LOL I love that their interactions are forcing Katsuki to humble himself little by little. Always being told how great he is by everyone but Izuku breaks that mold. I also love that Izuku is sharing who he is through books. To me it’s a very intimate move. Izuku’s perspective on the world is interesting, though. He sees hero life as war mongering while Katsuki sees it as his duty to bring down the evil in the world. Izuku can learn to widen his world view, while Katsuki can learn to not be so aggressive towards his “miniature Alpha.”

It’s Bakusquad time!!!! Katsuki’s crew is a joy to me. I love these fools especially when they’ve been drinking! And their sworn mission for the night is to rescue Katsuki from the train wreck that is his love life. The interaction was interesting when they realized that Katsuki was pining after a guy. He was very concerned that they’d tease him for his sexual preference and I felt sad for him. To him he has never had an orientation, he just is and the only person he’s cared about is Izuku so that’s him, Izuku-lover. Good job Mina with the suggestion that he apologize for his behavior with a gift for Izuku. And yay Kiri for the advice on physical no-nos when approaching an Omega. Katsuki did well with gift selection and presenting the gift without crowding Izuku. Izuku surprised him with his preheat reaction. Izuku’s inner Omega was so happy to receive a gift and Katsuki’s inner Alpha was SO happy to provide. Good on Katsuki for immediately leaving, not so good when he came back to the bookstore and got into an argument. He is the king of self-destruction. Pre-heat Izuku and a riled up Katsuki. *sigh* I’m enjoying how there are little signs here and there of how Izuku’s inner Omega is reacting to Katsuki. The early heat, the fact that Izuku is WEARING the gift that Katsuki gave him, and how he scent marked Katsuki. Izuku is determined that his mind will overcome his nature.

Enter a character who I think had SO MUCH potential in the manga, Kai Chisaki. Katsuki ran into him while looking for Izuku at the bookstore. Izuku’s heat had come on and Kai was manning the store. He instantly goaded Katsuki into an argument. Kai does NOT like heroes and Katsuki was defensive about that and also irritated that here was another of Izuku’s friends that he couldn’t figure out the connection with. Katsuki jumps off of the deep end after leaving the bookstore. He totally abused his position as a Pro Hero and had the database searched to get Izuku’s address. Sigh. Not cool Katsuki. Izuku accused you of being a stalker and that is totally stalkerish behavior!! Katsuki learned more about Izuku while talking him through his heat from the opposite side of his front door but it was a HUGE gamble and inappropriate. From the talking though Katsuki started to realize how naive his worldview is. He’s always been focused on being the #1 hero and he never entertained the pain others’ paths may have contained. Hearing Izuku alluding to being sexually assaulted was heartbreaking. Katsuki did show restraint in not breaking down Izuku’s door. Honestly, even without his quirk he was strong enough to do it. It was heartwarming that he sat outside the door and read to Izuku so he could sleep. It was STILL wrong that he was there and Shinsou said as much when he saw Katsuki there. It’s interesting how they’re all bending/skirting the law even Shinsou when he used his Quirk on Katsuki to find out how he got there. I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same while trying to protect my best friend and Katsuki knew it. Shinsou didn’t seem to bat an eye when Katsuki called Izuku his “mate.” Shinsou has a soft spot for his classmate and as he’s said before he knows more than he lets on about people. I was surprised that none of Izuku’s neighbors said anything. Maybe they were too scared of the imposing Alpha sitting outside of Izuku’s door.

Guys night out and as expected Kai and Inasa were NOT happy to learn about the stunt that Katsuki pulled. (Side note: I love Inasa Yoarashi. He’s so big and full of life!) Lawd, if Inasa had gotten a hold of Katsuki. WOAH! Shinsou is still an ass, but what else is new. He’s an instigator but also calmed the situation when he called Katsuki’s number and gave Izuku the phone. It threw Izuku for a loop but it also allowed him to be the one to deal with the situation. Shinsou and Shouto are good friends and knowing Katsuki better than anyone else in their friend group, they tried to give Izuku some more insight into him. Izuku was confronted with some preconceived notions that he had about Katsuki. Maybe he isn’t the playboy that Izuku assumed he was. Hmmmm. It was good to read about Izuku’s pack and to see that he does have people who care about him.

The Omega murders. There’s evidently someone or some people attacking Omegas, tearing out their scent glands and leaving them for dead. Like WHAT THE HELL???!!!! It was interesting to see Momo Yaoyorozu and Mashirao Ojiro mentioned. I like to see what the rest of class 1-A is doing in this AU. Soooo, why does Camie smell like blood??!!!! Her day was “extra murdery?” The hell did she encounter in the day and can they send her back to take another shower?! And why is she so against her Omega secondary gender?! I noticed in an earlier chapter when she overheard Katsuki talking to Kiri about Izuku. How do you call others like you “weak” and dissociate yourself just because you’re a Pro Hero? And wow at Katsuki’s confrontation with Amajiki. It was all Katsuki’s fault, though. He raised Amajiki’s suspicion that Izuku might have something to do with the murders and Katsuki TOTALLY overreacted to his Omega superior. Katsuki LOST IT and was put in his place when Mirio scruffed him. Pack hierarchy at work. Up until that point I hadn’t thought about who would be bigger and badder! LOL Something that caught my eye though was Katsuki mentioning an Alpha smelling like “rot and sewage.” Was he saying that Mirio smelled like that or was he having a flashback? Anyway, he’s lucky that he was only sent home early and told to take the next day off. Who would have expected Katsuki to seek out Shouto for advice? Shouto Todoroki of ALL people! And wait, Katsuki asking someone for help in general??!!! Growth in his adult years. LOL I chuckled heartily that Katsuki and Shouto ended up wearing matching turtlenecks. TWINSIES!! Shouto, as is, canon was no help as expected and a little oblivious.  But Shinsou in his Pusheen pajamas did what he could. (Pusheen pajamas, though! My son would LOVE some LOL)

Next chapter is a flashback of how Izuku and Shinsou met in their first year of high school. We learn that male Omegas are rare in this AU and even rarer as Heros. Izuku got into a fight and Shinsou stepped into help. They formed a bond, understanding each other like no one else could. Omegas that no one deemed worthy of anything. It was sad to read that that was the fight that cost Izuku his sense of smell.

Back to present and after Katsuki left Shinsou and Shouto’s place he went to Izuku’s apartment hoping to talk to him. Izuku’s building now has an outside lock and intercom system. I’d bet my house in the Hamptons (which I don’t have) that that was a result of Katsuki’s visit there a few weeks ago. Katsuki wasn’t sure if Izuku was going to let him in and it looked like Izuku wasn’t sure either. It’s interesting reading Izuku’s point of view and the tells that he notices about Katsuki. The little things that Katsuki is doing to not intrude or the semblances of control that Izuku hasn’t seen in Alphas that he had dealt with previously. Izuku’s hands are bigger than Katsuki’s?! Oooooh. Awww, Katsuki took Mina’s advice and he took a few seconds to stop himself from firing off his usual knee-jerk responses. And he is so shy talking about anything sexual and so blushy. I’m glad that those two goofballs were able to talk without arguing. Almost like they could be civil with each other. Ha! A slight ease and honesty. When Izuku teased Katsuki about knowing what Katsuki wanted to do more than he did Izuku assumed it had to do with what Izuku said before that other Alphas had done to him. Katsuki blushed but I think it was actually because he’s inexperienced. Katsuki meeting the “lion” Natume was HILARIOUS! I’m personally shocked by how big those things get. I have cats but that’s TOO much for me. LOL Izuku finally made an effort to find out a little about Katsuki, asking him how he liked his job. Izuku is oddly focused on “battles” and “killing” as if that’s all heroes do. But Katsuki loves his job and made sure to emphasize that killing is a minor part of it and only when unavoidable. Katsuki keeps surprising Izuku. He’s been so traumatized by previous Alphas that Katsuki's non-violent reactions throw him.

This is one of my favorite chapters. It’s New Year’s Eve and karaoke with the crews, Bakusquad and Izuku’s pack. Katsuki recognizes that Izuku has a lot of traumatic baggage and he is SPRUNG! It was supposed to be a night of enjoying time with his friends but all Katsuki can think about is Izuku. As if by magic BAM Izuku is next door in another karaoke room and the scent is OVERWHELMING. “The punch of petrichor was a sudden deluge to Katsuki’s senses, an overload that soaked him to the bone and weakened his wobbly knees.” Look “petrichor” might be my new favorite word. It’s going right into my commonplace book. LOL Why was Izuku ON TOP of the table singing??!!! I’m 5’5” as well and I’m just imagining walking in and seeing my drunk ass singing on a table and I can’t stop laughing. Comedy!! Katsuki almost got into a fight just swinging the door open, though. Kai was NOT happy to see him and Inasa was ready to play bodyguard. When Shinso was described as a meerkat looking above Inasa’s shoulder I immediately thought about that show Meerkat Manor. I LOVED that show...but I digress. I’m glad that their groups met thanks to Shinsou’s and Mina’s meddling. Katsuki and Izuku felt so played. LOL I thought Mina was a little uncouth with her comments about Izuku’s “smell”, though. Yeah, it’s “different” but she could have found another way to word it or just not said anything at all. It shouldn’t have been surprising that Izuku followed Katsuki when he went outside for a breather. It was surprising when Izuku kissed him (Katsuki’s first kiss!!!) and Katsuki was right for calling him out on trying to blame the attraction on him. These two still have lots to work out.

During their morning run, Mina did seem to make up for what she said during the party. She just has an odd way of wording things. Katsuki is starting to see that he can get advice from his friends but his connection with Izuku is different than those of his friends. Their advice can only take him so far and he and Izuku have to figure out the rest. Of course, it isn’t long before thirsty Katsuki heads to the bookstore. I love that Izuku’s scent immediately soothes him. And glad they’re talking a little more and slowly knocking some kinks into Izuku’s wall and opening Katsuki’s world.

The next chapter is hard. It’s a flashback into Izuku’s past. A glimpse into Izuku looking for something, anything to make him feel alive. Discovering hallucinogens, having his first sexual encounter, allowing someone to harm him leaving him with permanent damage. Unprotected sex that he barely remembers since he was under the influence. The introduction of Dabi, as Shinsou described him “a guy who looks like he wears other people's’ skin for fun.”

Back to the present and Izuku is at a therapy appointment. First off, I am so glad to see that with all of the trauma that we readers know about so far (and the trauma we don’t), he is seeing a therapist. As an aside, I was going through the chapters in my mind while in the shower and his conversation with his therapist went through my mind. Specifically, Izuku’s fear of going beyond moderation to excess and backsliding. That sat with me for a while. I am happy to see Eri in this AU and with Kai as her adopted father role. Also, happy to see “Mr. Yagi” as leaving his bookstore, his legacy, to Izuku. In a crazy turn of events Izuku is a witness to an Omega attack and kept the attacker from doing more harm. We definitely saw his Alpha traits as he hauled ass over to figure out what was going on. PROTECTIVE KATSUKI TO THE RESCUE!!!!! He was on duty and heard about the attack so he went to pick Izuku up from the police station and take him back to Katsuki’s house. OF COURSE these two butt heads because what else do they do. I giggled when Katsuki walked him outside and said “let’s go home, already.” I don’t think that he purposely phrased it that way but Izuku internally responded to it. When they finally make it to Katsuki’s house, he has a very sappy moment when Izuku compliments his place. Katuki prefers Izuku’s smaller place because it’s like him, “small, warm, smells like home.” Kiddies our boy is GONE! LOL Izuku is still convinced that Katsuki has/has had NUMEROUS romantic interests no matter how many times Katuki and their mutual friends have told him otherwise. And then they had A MOMENT in the kitchen!!!!! The desire and attraction is palpable in the air but they really need to get to know each other better.

And we start the next chapter with Katsuki’s very vivid ass wet dream. Good thing that Izuku can’t smell anything because that apartment had to have smelled like complete lust. LOL Katsuki saw Izuku’s damaged wrist gland and it broke his heart. All of the things in Izuku’s past that Katsuki couldn’t protect him from. There have been multiple references to Izuku “drowning” and not being able to breathe and it’s so sad. When will he be able to be out from all of that?

We’re introduced to Kota as a character but sadly as the kid in the latest Omega attack. And Camie with the Omega degradation again and now she’s on Katsuki’s case about Izuku. Sigh. Oh, I’ve been looking through the story comments and saw that folks are starting to suspect that she has something to do with the Omega murders and I’m inclined to agree that it’s suspicious. When Izuku rescued Kota he noticed that the attacker just disappeared and Camie’s quirk IS illusions. “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.” Hmmmm. Welp, it took a few weeks but Katsuki’s abusing his privilege to get Izuku’s address finally came back to bite him. A month’s suspension! OUCH! Again he’s lucky because he started to get aggressive against his superior again. Any mention of Izuku sends him over the deep end. Side note, I’m glad that I reread this chapter and noticed the unnamed mention of Dabi in Izuku’s file. With nowhere else to go Katsuki sought out Shinsou for advice. They’re becoming better adult friends. It’s amazing what a mutual connection will do. Our boy Katsuki is so sprung. He took his drunk ass to the bookstore, complemented Izuku and walked him home hand-in-hand. All full of sweetness and fluff. LOL

Wow Kai and Izuku. Kai has his own baggage that colors his view of heroes, all the while Inasa, a PRO HERO, has been sniffing around him for years trying to get his attention. Like brothers, Kai and Izuku argued. But if you can’t argue with your family about their bullshit who else can you argue with? Kai used the fact that Izuku’s last boyfriend raped and tried to kill him like a weapon. And the way Kai was described I don’t think that he’d ever seen Izuku as angry as he was at that moment. Kai was completely thrown off by the truths Izuku spouted back at him and “Tornado Gold Retriever” Inasa flew into protective Alpha mode when he saw them. Thankfully, Kai interceeded and calmed Inasa. When Inasa returned to give Izuku a pep talk it was so adorable. He’s just so honest and BIG with his feelings about life. Inasa was able to make Izuku consider a different way of thinking about himself and Katsuki. Izuku isn’t the scared younger man that he was before and maybe Katsuki isn’t that enemy Izuku was making him out to be. “But think of it this way. Bakugou is not your adversary. He’s on your team.” Well now! Thanks to Inasa, Izuku and Katsuki took a step closer in their relationship through the exchange of phone numbers. OH, and evidently the night that Bakugou has a vivid dream, so did Izuku. Well, WAYLE!!!

More fun with Bakusquad!!! With Katsuki being at home suspended I loved Sero teasing him when he claimed to not be bored. Yeah right Mr. Always Has to be Doing SOMETHING Work Related. Good friend banter is always the best. Like how do you tell your friend that his attacks against villains are just “light bondage??!!!” LMAO The worst. Yay, for Ochako being worked into the story. I like the mutual respect they developed in first year continues into their adulthood. I have to totally agree with his assessment that he is “lawful good” and Izuku is “chaotic good” cause these two fools are a mess!!! Katsuki the enemy of villains, Izuku the almost-vigilante turned pacifist. Heaven help them. LOL

Ugh, I was starting to wonder when Camie would show up and there she is again surprising Katsuki when he leaves the company gym. And that whole interaction made my skin CRAWL, like YOOO!!!! DO NOT TRUST HER!!! She came onto him so strongly. WHHYYY??!!! On some no one can resist her type crap. With her mentioning Izuku combined with my suspicions about her being involved with the murders makes me worried for Izuku.

Danger, Will Robinson! DANGER!!!! Katsuki is NOT prepared to deal with a pretty much in heat Izuku. YOO!!!! ABORT MISSION! RUN!!! Izuku flipped between wanton Omega and aggressive Alpha and Katsuki's head was spinning. Katsuki displayed the strength of Hercules (ha, a reference to Inasa’s comment back in chapter 10) when he kept his urges at bay and stopped him and Izuku from making a mistake. On end of all that he got the promise of a date! Way to go Ground Zero!

So first, Katsuki’s descriptions of Izuku’s anxious thoughts were SO familiar. UGH “Did Midoriya even sleep through a night for all the worry he brought into his own life?” THAT’S ME, THAT’S ME! UGH!!!! Next, we get more interaction with Ochako and it’s the best. Katsuki is so excited about his date with Izuku that he can’t think straight. “You go from scowling like a murderer to smiling like a shark in the span of minutes, and I think you’re legitimately scaring the children.”  A SHARK??!!! BWAAAAAAA Everyone can tell that he’s smitten and his face can’t hide anything. And the moment (well, one of the moments) we’ve been waiting for has arrived. IT’S DATE DAY!!! OMG Katsuki killed me when he didn’t care who Izuku had been with prior. “Did you screw like twenty dudes in the past? Trick question - I don’t care.” WHO DOES THAT??!!! Katsuki F-ing Bakugou, that’s who. LMAO Poor Katsuki is so messed up that Izuku wore scent blockers and he can’t smell Izuku. He even WHINED!!!! Lawd, Katsuki is a goner. LOL And these two can’t go 5 minutes without arguing. They both have to be in charge. Indoor rock climbing with these two competitive asses. What could possibly go wrong?! Oh, only Izuku’s blockers wearing off and their combined scenets driving the Alpha customers into ruts. And the employee just wanted to earn his paycheck and now he has to deal with all of this insanity. LMAO Katsuki may have made an honest misstep when he offered to get Izuku’s nose fixed but he didn’t see it as a big deal. Add that to the list of things that should talk about in the future. Katsuki completely forgot that he’s a public figure and out of nowhere came some fans. As annoying as they were, it may have been a blessing in disguise because it interrupted the argument they had brewing. And it led to their cuteness in the convenience store trying on hero paraphernalia. Another Mr. Yagi reference. Of COURSE, it has to be the same person and I can’t wait to find out in what way Katsuki knows him in this story. I mean they already have the overlapping friend groups even though they never met in high school. Katsuki gets so riled up in their flirting that he’s pumping out pheromones again “in technicolor Alpha waves.” iDied!!!!! LMAO I really didn’t expect Mirio to call Katsuki but it was only a matter of time before SOMEONE saw his familiar face out in public. It tickled me when Katsuki was spinning in circles looking for a bodiless Mirio poking his head out of a potato chip display. LOL Now the question is what did Mirio see on the internet and how did it get there? Maybe at the rock climbing fiasco, or the fans who saw them on the street or maybe even at that convenience store since they’re eating right by a window. We shall seee!!!!!

The next chapter is another Izuku flashback. I love that Izuku has known about Katsuki since back in high school but when they met Katsuki didn’t know anything about him. LOL Izuku first meets Shouto over drinks with Inasa and Shinsou and inadvertently reveals that he knows about Shouto’s brother Dabi, err Touya. This connects with chapter 11 when Shouto brushed over how he first met Izuku while talking to Katsuki and in chapter 18 when Amajiki mentions that Izuku had a restraining order against a now villian. We also find out that Izuku has multiple cigarette burn scars from Dabi on his body. :( We also get more information about Jin, Izuku’s former boyfriend. I completely forgot that Jin was Twice’s real name and didn’t make the connection at first. Oops. Then his character description made complete sense. It connected to chapter 18 when Amajiki mentioned him and said he’d almost killed Izuku and also chapter 19 when Kai talks about Izuku’s rape and hospitalization. So, we’re getting a glimpse into Izuku’s life post-Dabi and during his time with Jin right before Izuku hits rock bottom. Looking back on the threats that Kai made against Katsuki and there’s no way he WASN’T response for Jin’s disappearance. Izuku is bruised from a previous interaction with Jin. We don’t know exactly WHAT happened but we know it’s happened multiple times with Jin not remembering or pretending to not remember. Sadly, I wonder if the end of the chapter lead into Jin’s attack on Izuku.

“Izuku flopped face-down on his own bed in a drowsy, drunken stupor, that he remembered he was meant to meet Jin at the end of the night.

Ah, well. He could handle a few more bruises.” 

Welp, that’s it and it was A LOT. I can’t wait for the next chapter and the aftermath of the date. 

#bnha #mha #ktdk #bkdk #bakudeku #katsudeku #So Rae Geeks Reviews #fic: Quiet Rapture #lalazee

[jinxofthedesert]

-this will have spoilers. If you've not seen Gotham's finale, I recommend not reading-

I finished . . . I don't even know what to say. But I am gonna try!!

That was so damn awesome and why did it have to end! Why?? I wasn't ready for that sudden end.

I'm a tiny bit salty at them not having Bruce shown in the episode, like, at all. I would've loved that.

Oh my gosh!!! Jeremiah in this episode! So happy we got to see him. I absolutely adored all his scenes. Though, I'll be honest, it took me a few minutes to get used to the new voice. I hadn't been expecting it to be that different.

I find it comical that Jeremiah just pretended to be a vegetable for ten years just because Bruce wasn't there. Then the moment he catches wind that he's coming home, he's back. Like Jeremiah is Not subtle about whose on his mind twenty-four-seven.

And Jeremiah's reactions to a certain bat!! I kinda think, the way he responded to him, like he knew who it was. 'It's you.' (or was it: 'you' ? I can't remember now) But this could be him remembering that Bruce was to be a Dark Knight and it's just sinking in that this is what Ra's meant. I do wish that this scene had gone longer, I wanted more one on one with Bruce and Jeremiah but sadly nope. Like we don't even get to see them drag Jeremiah back to Arkham? Nothing? But damn that batarang! Good throw Bruce! Though Jeremiah is gonna need some medical attention. (Lol Jeremiah just got out, now he's going back in, probs not for long, not when his Brucey is about in armor)

But, my Wayleska is still going strong! Jeremiah totally admitted to Bruce being someone he loves so it's there guys! It's pratically canon on his part! Ugh I love my Wayleska soooo much~

BatCat was cute, though a little bittersweet. I really liked the actor they got to play Selina though it's odd not having Camren. (You are still missed). However we got barely anything, so i feel for the batcat shippers out there.

Though I was hoping for more? Like, I loved the episode, it just felt very short and a tiny bit disjointed. Too short for a finale. When I got to the scene before the end and it panned up I thought 'no, I've barely been here, it can't be the end, can it? No!' and it was. It would've been nice to have a longer ep for this cause, why not? It's the finale, give us longer because of that. Whether or not Gotham was cancelled, we, along with the characters, deserved a long ass episode as a send off.

Also, like no Harvey?? What? He's such an interesting character and he was hardly there. Which was sad.

Anyway, after watching this, I really do believe that they could make a sequel.

I already posted about the music cues with Jeremiah in Arkham (cause the overdramatic music was just hilarious to me, like it has to act all powerful and given a sense of foreboding simply because Jeremiah is currently pretending to be a vegetable lol like ok, go overcompensate for him doing nothing but I will gladly take it) but another good moment of music was whenever Batman came around, like the part with the gothic chorus? Damn that was good.

Bruce as Batman is fucking awesome. From the voice to his presence. He's intimating as hell and I adored every second. I can totally see why he would strike fear in anyone. It's so heartwarming and bittersweet to see my baby Bruce all grown and wearing armor and taking out criminals. I can remember that small kid in that alley from all those years ago, hes come so far. And I am so fucking proud of him. I am a proud parent of way too many children at this point.

I think my only major gripe is that I wish they hadn't jumped ten years. It actually hindered the episode in my eyes. If it had been more like five, then we could have actually had seen Bruce and himself in the finale, talking face to face with characters (which I'd really wanted, especially with Jeremiah, Alfred, Lucius, and Selina) but we didn't. I honestly wish they had done five, that's a respectable amount of time and Bruce actor could've still played him and there might have been a tad bit more closure.

It's not sunk in yet. That that was it. I'm still on my high of having gotten wayyyyy to into that finale. But I'm sure it'll hit me soon and I won't know what to do with myself.

It's been a good run guys. I'm gonna miss Gotham and all the great content it brought. These characters were all so special to me and it's good to see them one more time.

To all you Gotham lovers: I love you all and I wish you luck in finding a show to fill that Batman sized hole in your hearts.

But now? I need some Wayleska. Seriously. Please~ I am ready for future Wayleska fics now.

*deep breath*

Ok, now that that's off my chest: You'll have to excuse me, I must go stare at the wall and comprehend my life without Gotham, then to fall face first into fanfiction and start writing more Wayleska, cause I need something to do with my life now.

See ya luvs~

#gotham #wayleska #the finale #i loved it #and i need more #what do u mean this is the last ep???!! #ughhh its over and done with and i still can't process that it is! #my baby gotham has grown and flown away #gotham spoilers

[proto-language]

Gentlemen Bastards and 1789 for the fandom thing?

Thank you so much!!

Gentleman Bastard Sequence

Favourite Male Character

Kinda generic but I have to say Locke Lamora, closely followed by the Sanza twins, who probably would’ve been my faves if they’d been allowed to live for more than half a book. Locke’s just such an interesting character: so smart and so stupid at the same time, a thief and occasionally a killer but also a pretty dedicated priest in his own way, able to talk his way out of just about any situation (and to hang on til Jean can save him when he can’t) but also awful at talking about his own feelings. As for Calo and Galdo; more than anything, they just made me laugh, but their care for Locke and Jean and Bug was so sweet, even when it manifested itself in the form of a threat to knock Locke out and drag him out of Camorr if they had to to get him out of danger.

Favourite Female Character

This one’s a little bit harder. I think I’d currently say Ezri Delmastro, but I’m also only halfway through Red Seas Under Red Skies (I’m like 99% sure things aren’t going to end well for her), and so haven’t actually met Sabetha yet. She’s so funny and scary and yet sweet, and frankly she and Jean deserve each other, and I can’t currently remember any specific thing she did because my memories of RSURS are weirdly foggy compared to TLOLL, but................ she. Also, I loved Nazca a lot, but again she didn’t really live long enough for me to get attached to her in the way I am to others.

Least Favourite Character

I mean, there are plenty of choices. The fucking Grey King/Capa Raza is one of them, obviously. Outside of obvious antagonists, frankly I’d have to say Sabetha right now. It’s not that I dislike anything about her or her character (or at least what I’ve heard of it), but just that it’s been a book and a half and we’ve heard Locke and Jean and the Sanzas and Locke again going on about her, and never had a single scene with her - I’m sure there’s probably a point to it, but I’m dense, and so it just annoys me.

Favourite Ship

Hmm, I guess I’d have to say Jean and Locke - I’m not actually particularly interested in shipping for this series? The fanart and fics for them are really cute though!

Favourite Friendship

Obviously just the whole dynamic of the Gentlemen Bastards - Jean, Locke, Calo and Galdo’s brotherhood, the way they work together and tease each other and ultimately would do anything for each other. The way they all mentor Bug, constantly take the piss out of him, but in the end he was becoming like a younger brother to them all too. The way that, in RSURS, Jean (eventually) knows exactly what to do to help Locke and get him to start living again. Yes, this is something I think about at least twice a day.

Favourite Quote

Oh man, there’s a lot. The whole liars and bastards ritual:“‘I only steal because my dear old family needs the money to live!’ [...]‘Liar!’ they chorused.‘I only steal because this wicked world won’t let me work an honest trade!’ Calo cried, hoisting his own glass.‘LIAR!’‘I only steal because I have to support my poor lazy twin brother, whose indolence broke our mother’s heart!’ Galdo elbowed Calo as he made this announcement.‘LIAR!’‘I only steal,’ said Jean, ‘because I’ve temporarily fallen in with bad company.’‘LIAR!’At last the ritual came to Bug; the boy raised his glass a bit shakily and yelled, ‘I only steal because it’s heaps of fucking fun!’‘BASTARD!’“

And its reprise before Locke has to pretend to be the Grey King, which is too long to reasonably put here. And, of course, “Nice bird, arsehole”, because Locke has never ever just kept his goddamn mouth shut.

Worst Character Death

Literally all of them!!!!!!!!!!! I’m fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m totally over it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In particular, Calo and Galdo and Bug, who I feel I can count as one, because it was one scene. Calo and Galdo because they were my favourites, and it was so damn unexpected - I genuinely thought it was some kind of joke or trick they’d played, until Bug was killed as well. Bug’s death was just so sad in every way: he was only a kid, he doubted his place among the Bastards, Locke was trying so so hard to reassure him and yet he couldn’t. Nazca gets an honourable mention, for both horrificness and shock factor

“This made me so happy you have no idea” moment

Again, the liars and bastards ritual, because it was one of the best moments of interaction between the five of them, and it was so funny and so heartwarming at the same time - pretty much the closest we got to “domestic” life, tied with some of the scenes from Locke’s childhood. Also, the very last few pages. Locke and Jean reflecting on their friendship, their losses, and how shit Locke’s real name is, whatever it may be (I’m still genuinely dying to know)

Saddest Moment

Tie between Calo/Galdo/Bug’s deaths, and the second-to-last-ish scene, after Locke’s killed the Grey King and Jean finds him, bleeding out, and Locke gets all “Jean you gotta leave me here to DIE I’ve MESSED UP I can’t GET UP so DON’T BOTHER” and Jean just picks him up and calls him an idiot.

Favourite Location

Is is valid to say all of Camorr? It’s just such an awesome setting, so vibrant and full of life and wonderful and horrible, and I only realised when I started reading RSURS that it feels like home, and I’m so sad we probably won’t get to go back there.

1789

Favourite Male Character

Mmm, I’m tempted to say Lazare - he’s just one of the most interesting, and easiest to speculate/imagine about, being neither a historical figure nor a main character. His relationship with Ronan is always interesting to think about too - it probably also helps that Nous Ne Sommes is highkey one of the best songs from the musical imo!

Favourite Female Character

Would it be bad if I genuinely said Charlotte? I love Olympe and I love Solène, but Charlotte’s just like... this random sassy child who interferes in Olympe and Ronan’s love life and apparently hangs out with Danton on the regular, and that’s just very iconic of her.

Least Favourite Character

I mean, I have a love-hate relationship with Ronan (like someone else we know. possibly a few people, to be honest. possibly everyone who knows him). Frankly, I see a lot of myself in his tendency to shout and get angry and accidentally mess up with his sister, but they’re also not sides of myself that I like. But I do admire his willingness to stand up and fight for something he believes in, which is something I lack despite all my anger, and I’m still pretty attached to him. I don’t know if he’s my least favourite, but he’s certainly most interesting to write about in that respect.

Favourite Ship

I’d say Lazare and Ronan, with Olympe and Solène a close second. Ronan and Lazare and Olympe and Solène are both couples with such different circumstances, and it makes it really interesting to think of the ways they would (or wouldn’t) work around and overcome that.

Favourite Friendship

Is it valid to say Danton and Charlotte, because that was honestly sweet. Otherwise, I feel Ronan and Olympe, despite being pretty bland romantically at best, would’ve made a really awesome friendship. Unfortunately, 1789: Les Amis de la Bastille, isn’t such a catchy title apparently

Favourite Quote

Not so much a quote, but the reading of the Declaration-Whose-Name-I-Can’t-Recall-Right-Now at the end generally makes me cry, as does “Je veux sourire à tes erreurs”, etc in Pour la peine, because I am Soft and Weak, despite Ronan and Olympe being such an uninspiring couple

Worst Character Death

Ronan/Olympe, I suppose? Did anyone else die?? No death actually affected me too much emotionally

“This made me so happy you have no idea” moment

Ronan and Lazare/Louis and Matthieu’s hug during Pour la peine, and generally all of Au palais royal

Saddest Moment

I’ve surprised myself, actually, by initially thinking of Je vous rends mon âme -  that’s my initial reaction, but I’m not actually sure what my saddest moment would be. As much as I love it, 1789 has never really emotionally killed me quite the same way MOR does?

Favourite Location

The staging of the storming of the Bastille is super cool, let’s be honest.

#oh so NOW i can spell occasionally right first try #but in my literal english exam i couldnt #cool cool okay #also sorry this got so incoherent but i exceeded my daily limit of four (4) thoughts #thank u so so much for asking #gentlemen bastards #1789 les amants de la bastille #wildandwhirlingprinterfucker

[capmerthur]

THE BODY SWAP (final chapter)

It’s all in the title :) Somewhere end S1 (after 1.11 Labyrinth, but pre 1.13 Morte). In a land of myth, and a time of magic, Arthur awakes inside Merlin’s body (and no, not in that way). Alternating Merthur POV. Bonus Gaius. Mentions of Will and George.

Excerpt PART XV:

" Do you feel any different, Merlin? Please tell me it's gone."

The words stab through Merlin like a knife.

"I do feel like myself", Merlin asserts in the most joyful tone he can master while his heart splits in two, answering only the first question because at least then it's *not* a lie - even knowing the words mean the contrary of the truth in Arthur's opinion.

(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS UNDERS CHAPTER XV)

XV. TELL ME IT’S GONE (MERLIN POV)

"Do you feel any different, Merlin?"

Merlin had pondered the night before about how things could turn out, after having lifted the spell - if it worked, of course. And he cannot deny that he had thought, if only briefly, about how Arthur might simply come to accept his magic afterwards, as a new part of him; at least, Merlin wouldn't have to hide such an intrinsic part of himself from Arthur anymore, huh. It would have been a lie, too, though - even a greater one than simply keeping the original truth secret; and Merlin had felt guilty for having even ever entertained the wish for the easy way.

But now, Merlin understands that it isn't even an option anyway to start with. Arthur looks definitely worried. And there is no doubt in Merlin's mind about the answer Arthur wishes to hear, even before Arthur actually pleads for it:

"Please tell me it's gone."

The words stab through Merlin like a knife.

Admitting he has (no matter always or still) magic would only create distance between them now. Not even distance because Arthur might grow to mistrust him (you bet Merlin would never give him reasons to to start with); but simply, literally, a physical distance. Arthur would send him away. Arthur would not allow him to stay - not at his service, not in the castle, and not even within the borders of Camelot. Not because he might be a threat; simply because he wouldn't accept Merlin endangering himself - especially as he would feel responsible in the first place for having brought the trouble upon Merlin. In Arthur's eyes, Merlin going along on risky patrols is acceptable because it is, in fact, Merlin's own decision; but Merlin daily having to risk death in his own home for having magic meant to be Arthur's doom wouldn't be something Arthur would simply let be. That much is crystal clear.

And Merlin just doesn't want to, cannot, won't be sent away.

Which means he will have to lie then, anyway. And even worse: Merlin will now NEVER be able to tell the truth; Arthur will never get to know him - at least not fully. There would be no going back. Confessing the truth later on would only put a spotlight on the fact that he lied now...

Merlin though doesn't even hesitate. It's not only that he doesn't want to leave Arthur's side. It's also, simply, that he can't and won't have Arthur worry on his behalf.

"I do feel like myself", Merlin asserts in the most joyful tone he can master while his heart splits in two, answering only the first question because at least then it's *not* a lie - even knowing the words mean the contrary of the truth in Arthur's opinion.

/

For about three weeks, Arthur tests him - tests *it*. Making Merlin fall, throwing things his way - anything to trigger a defensive mechanism reaction. It's lucky Merlin has years of practice about refraining his magical surges, or he probably wouldn't have lasted an hour.

It settles though finally, once Arthur allows himself to believe Merlin is 'his usual self indeed'. The smile on Arthur's face as he speaks those words is both the most heartwarming and the most heartbreaking thing Merlin has ever seen.

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THE END

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THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR AMAZING SUPPORT EVERYONE :) I HAVE SO MUCH FEEEEEEEEELS FOR/ABOUT THOSE TWO IDIOTS AND I HOPE I MADE THEM JUSTICE...

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BACKSTORY : WHO THE HELL DID IT ? (I'M SURE YOU ALL WONDER...)

1) I could have gone fluffy (Merlin thought about having Arthur truly knowing him, or understanding what it is to be him, or something, before falling asleep, and his magic interprets it poorly and messes up. BUT Merlin is too attuned to his magic, he deals with it since his birth, that sort of magic blunders clearly belongs in the past...

2) I could have gone naughty (Merlin dreams about Arthur being inside him and him being inside Arthur in a physical way, and his magic interprets it poorly and messes up. But 1) see 1, and 2) Merlin imo just DOESN'T permit himself that sort of thoughts about Arthur. No way. He is so DEVOTED to Arthur, it would feel like disrespect, especially as soon as in S1. (He will long as time goes by for more contact and closeness though - but I think Merlin never permits himself to think further than the fact that he longs; instead of the specifics of what exactly he might long for). Also, to begin with anyway, imo Merlin doesn't permit himself that sort of thoughts about anyone in general too. I think he's honestly cautious about sex, because it includes losing control, which means his magic getting revealed somehow (how do you think Will ever found out, huh? Headcanon time: Will is older and tells him once about masturbating feeling like magic and Merlin tries and makes a butterfly and the next time he sees Will he's like 'wow, you were right, i made a butterfly' and Will is like ?); so it's just a BIG NO, with everyone and all the time. (It also explains in part too imo why he falls for Freya - she knows magic too, therefore not only does she understand him without need for justification and explanation, but also she is a potential mate, physically too - with her, it's safe. And as the prophecy says Arthur *will* be king, as long as Uther lives he should be alright, technically, so Merlin thinks maybe he CAN have it all after all, somehow - go with Freya until the time comes for him to return at Arthur's side...)

SO: IT'S NIMUEH.

The boys got it all wrong. No one is after Arthur, neither his body, neither his mind... It's just Nimueh coming for *Merlin*.

She understood Merlin has magic in 1.03, and decided he must be gone, in order for her to have her revenge on Uther = 1.04

But Merlin survived (as she realizes by 1.09)!

So to be rid of Merlin she switches Merlin and Arthur (=this fic) - that way, Merlin can't use his magic (and Arthur neither, because you don't learn how to deal with magical abilities overnight... normally at least, she has no idea about how powerful Merlin's magic is) - and she sends the Questing Beast (begin of 1.13) after ARTHUR'S BODY (because it is in fact Merlin) (and it's not kiling Arthur, as he can live on in Merlin's body...)

But, when later in 1.13 Merlin comes to her to beg for Arthur's life, she realizes that Merlin is still in fact in his body, which either means that he is too powerful for her to put a spell on him, or powerful enough to have find a way to reverse the spell even without his magic, which can only means that Merlin is Emrys, and she wants to bring him on her side more than kill him, now that she knows of his importance. And as she wasn't as she says supposed to be the one killing Arthur, she agrees to help (but cannot take Merlin's life, knowing he's the almighty Emrys, so takes his mother then Gaius instead as she doesn't really mind who goes anyway...)

SEE? IT MAKES (SOME) SENSE (And gave me the perfect opportunity to use Bradley's idea, because honestly - WHY DIDN'T THEY USE IT IN THE SHOW! I'm not that much into body swap in general, but in this MAGICAL universe to start with, and with those two idiots? It just works. SO, for the last time, everyone, say: THANK YOU BRADLEY :))

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(By the way, as we're at it, another headcanon: it is more guilt than love that drives Uther / Ygraine. The questing beast was supposed to come for him - a price he had been ready to pay to have a legitimate masculine heir. But Ygraine sprung in between or something, saving him and dying. I cannot buy the love of my life thing knowing he cheated on her behind her back; and guilt is enough of a vicious motivator on his own too...)

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(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS)

I. AWAKING (ARTHUR POV)

Arthur awakes; lying on his back - unusual - and rolls over automatically.

He surprisingly falls, down, hard; and jerks fully awake now - on the floor, near a so very tiny bed, tangled in an unknown blanket (harsher than his standards, even while on errands, he can’t help but notice).

In disbelief, he eyes his surroundings…

Where is he? Has he been abducted?

Think, he admonishes himself - trying to clear his mind; to remember what must have happened, to guess who has dared to commit such an act, and, most important of all right now: Find a way out.

His eyes then suddenly meet Merlin’s, and relief surges through him somehow - Merlin is alive - before his anxiety returns; and double: because poor faithful, loyal Merlin has obviously been taken too; and it’s Arthur’s fault - he must have failed to save them both from being taken, even though he cannot remember anything…

Except when Arthur reaches out to Merlin for him to come closer (they need to share information and plan, but must be quiet as a mouse), he realizes with fright but indeniable certainty that Merlin is in fact a reflection in a mirror; and worse: *HIS* reflection!?

It his NOT his hand indeed that is stretching out in front of him; NOT his clothes on his person; and definitely NOT his own hair falling upon his eyes, as he notices the black strings in his vision range…

Arthur is dumbstruck. He sees Merlin’s mouth shaping a silent O, and he sees the dread in Merlin’s eyes… except they ARE - he feels - *his* mouth, and *his* eyes; and everything is just plainly wrong, and plainly impossible - but undeniably REAL.

He is… Merlin? Or better said, *inside* Merlin? How can such a thing have even come to be?

Sorcery, Arthur understands with horror: Camelot is under attack!

But now armed with the knowledge of his predicament, Arthur realizes he is actually in Merlin’s bedroom. He’s been in here before, once; and he recognizes it all now.

So. Not abducted. All things considered, that still counts as something, right…

And, as it surely doesn’t feel as if Merlin is still somewhere in his own head too while Arthur is inside of it, well… Maybe? Logically? Merlin might then be in return inside his own body?

Arthur suddenly finds himself praying for this to be true. It would be for the best, if Merlin was in his body - if they were the only ones concerned by this unnatural situation; because what if *everyone* was awaking inside someone else’s body this morning? That would be… precarious - the general panic leaving Camelot completely vulnerable to whoever must have plotted this? The worst though would be if the one responsible for this was right now in control of his body, and acting as Crown Prince to do, well, evil deeds… So yes, you bet Arthur truly wants to find Merlin to be the one inside his own body when he finally finds it.

Arthur jumps on his feet, ready for action. Luckily (even though Arthur feels a bit guilty, as he notices his armour in pristine state against the opposite wall - apparently Merlin has been polishing it late into the night then) Merlin hasn’t bothered to undress before falling asleep.

So. First thing first: he has to go to his chamber.

Picking some weapon on the way for good measure, you bet …

/

Simply walking the few paces to open the door though turns out to be a challenge. His limbs are too long, and dangly; it feels like he has two left feet, and he has to try thrice before actually getting a grip on the handle - because he isn’t used to this body, of course - but maybe it is truly NOT Merlin’s fault if he trips over his own feet that often after all…

Gaius is already out - hopefully looking for herbs and not wandering out of his mind… Arthur would have preferred to be able to test right away his theories about how many people were affected by the damn body change; but unfortunately, it would have to wait some more.

The corridors are empty too, except for a stray black cat who walks at his side long enough for Arthur to start questioning himself about asking to the cat if he *is* Merlin - because Merlin HAS to be somewhere, right, as he obviously isn’t where he should be to start with; but then the cat takes another turn… Arthur feels stupid for worrying so much about his silly manservant - but he cannot deny that he definitely will worry less only after having indeed finally found said silly manservant.

Arthur relaxes slighthly though when he enters the kitchen: people are working as usual, apparently not in shock, apparently in their right bodies. He picks up the first tray he finds, along with an extra knife that he hides in his pocket for good measure.

He tries to put on a confident grin as he walks (with the most assurance he can muster in this awkward-feeling body) towards the guards at his bedroom’s door - and can only hope it will look the same as usual to them. They let him pass without trouble, and Arthur isn’t sure whether it’s a good thing. On the one hand, he *doesn’t* doubt Merlin - he simply, intrinsically doesn’t; and would never want him to feel like he did if his guards were to search him whenever he was about to enter his chamber. On the other hand… well, it isn’t Merlin right now entering his chamber, with knifes at the ready… This time, it’s only him; but what if it happens again, and if the one then inside Merlin’s body has ill intentions…

Deciding not to dwell on this for the time being, Arthur enters his bedroom - hoping to find Merlin doing whatever Merlin always does, but preparing for a fight, if need be…

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II. AWAKING (MERLIN POV)

Merlin awakes as if in a cocoon; literally. He is surrounded by softness, flush, warmth; he cannot remember ever feeling so comfortable - and the world can wait for just another few seconds before he opens his eyes, right… Merlin wriggles, shifting on his back, sighing softly as he nestles some more into the cushions…

When Merlin awakes for the second time - culpability sinking in as he realizes he has overslept - his eyes open to a Pendragon red canopy he would recognize even among hundreds. Merlin freezes: what the hell is he doing, sleeping IN ARTHUR’S BED?!

Merlin sits upright at once - blankets falling all around him to reveal that he wears ARTHUR’S NIGHTGOWN too ?!

Whaaaaaaaat?!

This… just DOESN’T make any sense. The last thing he can remind is sitting on his own bed, polishing the last bit of Arthur’s armour before letting himself fall down to sleep (*AN). He surely doesn’t recall walking to Arthur’s chamber, and even less…

Merlin’s mind is reeling as he shuffles out of bed as swiftly as he can. Oh my… What is Arthur going to think? And come to think of it - true panic now creeping down on Merlin at that thought: *WHERE* is Arthur to start with?

His attention is drawn out right then by Arthur calling out his name (Merlin feels relief, no matter his current embarrassing situation) - in one of those thousands yet unmistakably always Arthurian ways to say his name: a myriad of moods and meanings in those simple two syllables - the voice sounding odd though this morning (is Arthur sick?), and tensed (well, he just found his manservant in *his* bed, that might explain it!).

Merlin turns to face his sovereign, trying to feel less self conscious because he mustn’t look guilty, while wishing for inspiration, and buying time until it hits: “There is actually a perfectly valid explan-”

But it is NOT Arthur he sees: it is… himself? His breath catches as ‘utter confusion’ gets a new meaning, you bet…

At the same moment, Merlin notices suddenly just how *not his* his voice has just sounded, and how he’s wearing a very particular ring around one finger of what’s NOT his hand, and how *blond* hair is falling upon his eyes… And still nothing makes sense; but at least it *does* explain how he awoke in Arthur’s bed in Arthur’s clothes: he *is* Arthur?; and… Arthur… is him? MUST be him. He has been calling his name right the right way, right?!

“Sire?” Merlin barely dares to breathe out, both in wonder and in plea (because Arthur CANNOT be gone - the fear and pain and simple *impossibility* of such a concept slicing through Merlin’s mind like a knife).

There is a bright smile then appearing on his face - a smile that doesn’t entirely look like his own though - “Yes, Merlin. It’s me,” followed by a relieved sigh: “And it’s you”. And, despite the shock about them having apparently switched bodies (?!?!), Merlin can’t help but feel warm all over - because Arthur (and yes, it is so clearly Arthur, even in HIS body!) has apparently been worried about him.

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(*AN) Headcanon time :

Merlin uses magic to clean Arthur’s armour in the beginning, indeed. And he still uses magic for most of the chores, as much as he can, of course (washing clothes, mending clothes, emptying chamber pots, sweeping fireplaces, preparing baths, refreshing beds, cleaning floors, cleaning everything, really (except for mucking the stables, because there are always others around, grrrr). But he quickly grows nearly *maniac* about Arthur’s food (picking at it as a way to make sure it’s not poisoned etc…) and about Arthur’s armour: it’s one of Arthur’s protections - so you bet Merlin definitely cleans and polishes and repairs and oils the leather ligaments that hold it together and EVERYTHING the hell out of it, with extra ardor and fervor, with his own two hands, all the while continuously trying to put on it any protecting spells he ever finds, and repeating those over and over at each occasion…  Also, mirrors were probably not so advanced at the time… But let’s say Merlin has an enhanced one, after all he has magic, right…

On a side note, I’m never going to be over Arthur’s priority-thinking (I’m in trouble = CAMELOT IS UNDER ATTACK (babyyyy let me hold you - being Camelot Prince/King is NOT your only worth) and Merlin’s priority-thinking (what the hell is happening = WHERE THE HELL IS ARTHUR (babyyyy let me hold you - your devotion to The (brave, kind, admirable (shut up Merlin)) Prat doesn’t have to mean that you always must come second (and a bit self-preservation cannot be harmful)) *SIGH* I just love those two idiots so much !!!

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III. DISABLED (MERLIN POV)

But soon, Merlin is terrified.

And not because of the puzzling body swap.

*HE HAS NO MAGIC!?*

(Not that Merlin knows of any spell to reverse their current situation at once, mind you; so he doesn’t actually try anything about it. But Merlin simply knows: there is nothing but blood running through his veins now - no vigorous warmth, no energic flow; there is simply nothing singing under his placid flesh, as he focuses on it.)

He cannot help but wish he’s wrong though, and desperately tries to move a quill on Arthur’s desk behind Arthur’s back - the simplest of things, really; yet he fails, indeed…

His magic is tied to his body. Not to his mind.

No, no, no, no, nooooooooooo.

Merlin is, to his core, *terrified* - as he has never been. Not only because he feels more powerless and utterly helpless than he has ever felt - and worse, unable to protect Arthur! But also because the longer Arthur stays in his body, the more chances he has to find out that he has magic!? (And even though Merlin has nearly told Arthur, once? He is still not ready for him to know right now… Will after all didn’t lie to protect Merlin’s secret on his deathbed for Merlin to take chances with his life so soon after…)

Merlin though decides to push his panic aside for the moment: he simply MUST focus. No matter which sorcerer has this week decided to deal with the Pendragon line once and for all, Arthur’s life is undoubtedly in the balance; and that’s dearer to Merlin than all the magic in the world - included his own.

Because Merlin’s life *has* tilted, on that rocky beach by The Great Seas of Meredor.

Merlin’s earnest readiness to lay his life down to save Arthur’s had been instinctive, beyond doubt visceral; and the concrete force of the impulse had surprised him. Because it hadn’t been related to his first supposed then anyway indeed wished upon destiny. It had merely been a reflex, a spontaneous reaction: what he had wanted to do; more than what he ought to do. And Merlin had realized right then that he had, somehow, but undeniably, actually come to *LOVE* Arthur? He had known, for some time, that he liked him. And he had felt oddly pleased when Arthur had turned up at Ealdor - maybe Arthur liked him too? But if your first thought when someone is threatened is ‘I’d rather die than see him die’? Well, there is a kind of selfishness, even in seflessness, that goes beyond ‘liking’, right…

It shouldn’t have been such a shocking revelation though. Sure, Arthur could be a spoiled, royal prat; an irritating, pompous ass; an arrogant, moronic bully - to list but the top of the iceberg of his massive shortcomings, and without even mentioning the complete dollophead he could sometimes be. But Arthur could also be truly brave, honest, and kind; willing not only to trust but also to actually defend the words of mere servants, ready to defy his father’s orders in order to save a child’s life, and volunteering to help a village not even belonging to his Kingdom, to note only a few examples. Also: at some point, Merlin had realized how what could at first appear as near manhandling tactility was in fact just Arthur’s disguised way to show (or ask?) affection (because one probably just doesn’t walk around asking for cuddles while growing up between Uther’s judging cold glares and Morgana’s sharp witty tongue; and the physical occasional playfulness of the knights training must have seemed like the only way to go…). And last but not least: Merlin owed Arthur his life - if Arthur hadn’t gone looking for a Mortaeus flower… So, in short: of course Merlin had gotten fond of the man. For his own values; and not because he was meant to be the other side of his coin or something. And notwithstanding how so annoyingly beautiful he always was (for the record on that particular subject: Gwen is so adorably beautiful, and Morgana so petrifyingly beautiful).

But, as Arthur - bound to be King one day Arthur - hadn’t even hesitate before choosing to sacrifice himself, in order to fix what he had recognized to be his error, instead of using the (even offered) life of a simple servant? Well… There is a difference still between having the conviction that Arthur is a good man ready to fight for the greater good, even knowing it could be his death; and knowing as a FACT that Arthur *is* a good man ready to *die* for the greater good, even knowing it *will* be his death. And you bet having been proven *exactly* how pure of heart Arthur intrinsically is has only cemented that burgeoning love deeper into Merlin’s heart - simply; truly; and maybe irrevocably. Merlin would now willingly die a thousand deaths to save his Prince.

.

(Feel free to shout with me about 1.11 because *MAJOR FEELS*!)

(And then hug me as I shamelessly cry because this is still NOTHING next to what’s to come - aka Arthur becoming ACHINGLY beautiful, as Merlin turns ready to KILL a thousands times to save his King, blackening his own heart in the process and thinking himself then unworthy of Arthur’s love because Arthur is just so BRIGHT; but wishing for it nonetheless?)

.

IV. PLANNING (MERLIN POV)

Arthur, miraculously (even though understandably; because he must be shaken too, right), is unaware of Merlin’s internal crisis as he shares what he’s uncovered until now: “It seems to be just us. The kitcheners and the guards all seem to be themselves.”

“So. Whoever has done this is targetting you - personnally.”

“Nice to see your wits are still so very particularly sharp, Merlin. Is there any reason for the one behind all this to be targetting you?”

It is beyond odd to *hear* Arthur’s usual tone in his own voice; but Merlin still has the grace to sigh, before pushing his point further: “But why you?”

“Well, obviously *you*’ve forgotten, but I am Camelot’s Crown Prince, responsib-.”

“Which is exactly what’s bothering me!” Merlin can’t help but interject. “Why take on the Prince when you can take on the King?”

“Oh… Do you think… Could someone be… training on us, then? Before attacking-”

“I honestly have no idea. Maybe you got targetted indeed because you’re head of security. We shouldn’t rule anything out.”

Arthur brings his fist down on the table, determinedly: “Well, whatever the evil plan might be, we just cannot permit for it to work. We’ll have to find a way to stop this nonsense - no offense. In the meantime, we must act as if nothing unusual is going on. It might be for the time being our best chance at keeping Camelot safe - making whoever planned this think the spell didn’t work?”

Merlin can’t help but let out a helpless (yet realistic) sigh: “That’s… a lot; on both accounts.”

Arthur echoes with a helpless sigh of his own: “I know.”

/

But if they are to keep up pretenses, Merlin is going to need to be prepared: “So. What’s on your agenda for today - besides the monthly open pleas this morning and the daily training this afternoon?”

“Nothing particular. And there are no coming feasts nor abroad visits planned for the coming time, thankfully. (worried sigh) But there’s concil, tomorrow.”

“Well, let’s start at the beginning. I should do fine enough for the pleas. It’s mostly your father’s duty; your presence is required, of course, but mostly you’re to hear and listen…” Fear grips Merlin at once: “But it’s public; so it would be a great opportunity to try to murder you!” He MUST protect Arthur’s body: “Will you please go fetch your chainmail in my room?”

“No.”

The tone is definitive, and Merlin is torn between begging, or growing impatient - because Arthur can be so obtuse sometimes (now really isn’t the time for Arthur to be feeling indignation about being ordered around like a simple servant; even though he *is* one at the moment - not that Merlin would ever think he was one, of course - but what if Arthur thinks he does and enjoys the chance at some payback?): “Arthur, please (again?). It’s the expected type of errands of the body you momentarily (because it MUST be momentarily, right?) inhabit - I can’t - You’re the target. I need your chainmail. I have no fighting skills, nor any kind of skills really to protect yo-”

“I cannot be seen wandering the castle in my chainmail without reason, Merlin; it would attract attention”, Arthur interrupts in a somehow gentler tone; and Merlin realizes that Arthur hadn’t registered at first how Merlin’s concern was about him, more than himself - and is obviously humbled by the thought. “Court clothes are required, anyway. We’re not supposed to look threatening, nor threatened, when our subjects come to present their wishes,” Arthur pursues, killing any possible protest in the bud. “Besides, the guards will be present. So don’t worry too much about anything happening to us”, Arthur ends in a lower voice; as if the last part had been more a thought to reassure himself than a phrase meant to be uttered - and Merlin just has to savour that precious ‘us’…

Merlin though isn’t reassured enough about his Prince’s safety: “Please (yes, that’s thrice; adamant much?) Sire, at least allow me to wear your thickest leather under your tunic” - willing his voice to make it sound like a not-to-be-denied demand more than a true question.

Arthur holds his gaze; and it actually feels like a blessing when he finally relents: “As you wish; but it won’t be comfortable against naked skin.”

“I’ll manage.” Merlin can’t help but fidget some before pursuing - asking Arthur to do what is and should be *his* work feeling not only weird but even wrong: “But I’ll need your help to tie it in the back?”

Arthur dimissively tousles his hair, grumbling: “I *know*, Merlin.” 'My clothes’ going unsaid.

Merlin can be relieved about one thing, at least: Arthur obviously isn’t piqued about doing a servant’s work…

/

Merlin picks out the largest fitting of Arthur’s clothes. He puts on the braies and trousers while still wearing the gown, respectfully tying the belt blindly around his waist. He puts on socks, and shoes. Then only does he take the gown off, and turns his back towards Arthur so that he may help with adjusting the leather’s straps.

A surprised but definitely pleased whisper (“Impressive, ain’t I?”) echoes in Merlin’s ears, as the Prat Prince seems apparently unable not to comment about his damn broad back, angling Merlin shortly that way and this way as if to assess it even better.

'Believe me, I know’, Merlin can’t refrain from thinking; feeling a blush coming over his face, and thankful that Arthur is too busy looking at his own back to notice any of it.

“I think I might even have outgrown Sir Leon - in width at least if not in height”, Arthur concludes proudly before finally starting to work the ties - leaving Merlin suddenly ashamed of his initial internal reprimand, and oddly upset. Of course Arthur would only wish to see in his physique the strength of a warrior. Of course his first thought, when finally able to actually see his own back, would be to compare it to his given models - the Knights; and most of all among them, to his own chosen model, Leon - both the noblest and strongest of them all, yet young enough to play the part of the older brother Arthur could look up to while growing up… No one has probably ever told him that he is beautiful, Merlin realizes sadly. But the fact that Arthur is so unaware only makes him even more beautiful in Merlin’s eyes…

Merlin forces himself to tease Arthur, hiding his turmoil under their usual banter: “Well, I could ask Gabriel to take measurements, if you so badly wish-”

“Shut up, Merlin”, accompanied by a rewarding hit in the back of his right shoulder, which Merlin gladly revels in, no matter the unusual fist size. This, no matter their predicament, feels normal.

And in that short moment of normalcy, when everything feels just right as Arthur ends tying the leather, Merlin notices something he hasn’t noticed before, when all he could feel was STRESS.

Oh no.

/

“Sire?” Merlin can’t help but wince at the intimidated tone in his voice as he turns around; and Arthur is eyeing him now with furrowed eyebrows. “I think I need - I mean you need… to… have to go?”

Arthur makes a face - with his face; except it still looks somehow like a typical outraged Arthur face (damn, this is just too confusing…): “Merlin!”

“He! Do not look at me like this is my fault! It’s *YOUR* body! Maybe you shouldn’t have drun-”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have brought a full pitcher at dinner then!”

They eye each other, both unrelenting over who is at fault.

And Merlin can’t help but think that somehow he is, indeed, no matter what. Because there are levels in intimacy; and he IS definitely crossing a line. There is a difference between being around and trying to avoid his gaze when Arthur walks in and out of his bath, or applying Gaius’s healing balm to bruises on Arthur’s back because it’s a place Arthur can’t reach on his own, and, well… watching and touching Arthur’s *manhood*, even if only for urinating, technically ensuring no mess is done while doing it?

Arthur suddenly sighs though, and his voice sounds kinder as he offers: “This will surely happens a few times before we sort it all out, huh. To the both of us. So. How should we proceed?”

Merlin scratches his head, summoning some courage: “Do you want to… hold-”

“Your hand, Merlin!”, Arthur demonstrates, lifting the would-be-culprit in the air and wiggling its fingers for good measure; and that’s a 'No way’ if Merlin ever heard one…

“Would you rather it to be your hand-”

“It’s *your* hand right now!” Indeed. So. Another 'No way’.

But suddenly Merlin has a solution, of sort: “What if I… go sit into the stream? There’s a quiet spot not so far from the castle I found while collecting herbs for Gaius… If I hurry I still can make it back before the pleas.”

Arthur actually claps his hands, obviously relieved: “Sometimes, I swear, you are a genius.” He hurries over, handing Merlin his tunic and grabbing the Pendragon red doublet before marching out: “Let’s go!”

“You’re coming?” (hastening to put the tunic on and grabbing a towel before following)

“Well, as I just said, it’s bound to happen to me - you - so I might just as well tag along, and know where it is.”

/

Once out of potentially spying ears reach, they plan the day further.

“We HAVE to tell Gaius, at the least, about our situation: no one will contest his word if he says you’re not to train for a while - because honestly how am I supposed to spare with your Knights? They will notice right away that something isn’t right. And, well…”

Merlin hesitates, not wanting to incriminate Gaius in any way. As it turns out, he doesn’t have to:

“You’re right. Besides, Gaius has heard about a lot of… stuff, in all his years. I was planning to go around Jeffrey and look for the forbidden books, but I have no ideas how many volumes are hidden down here, nor where they even *are* to start with… If anyone we know might have even the slightest clue about how to fix our problem, it’s him; even if it’s only about finding an adequate book.”

Merlin nods, relieved: “So. After the pleas, I stage a fall, and we go to Gaius, who tells you’re not to train for the time being. That leaves the rest of the day free, both for looking up about our situation, and briefing me on what I should be aware of for tomorrow’s concil. Do you address things in an established order; who’s whose specialisms; what you discussed by the latest concils which might be brought up again tomorrow; and so on…”

“I’m supposed to make the battle plans, Merlin? But as far as plans go, I have to admit this isn’t a bad one. Except I’m not you; I do not trip on my feet twice a day. So. I’ll make you fall. That’s more plausible.”

“No way! You’ll end up in the stocks!” Merlin realizes how - no matter what he might have been thinking just a few months ago - he simply doesn’t want Arthur in the stocks. Ever. “Which is NOT where you should be spending your afternoon.” Merlin quickly amends; hiding his concern under logic’s sake, knowing it to be the best way to persuade Arthur anyway. “So. You fall. I try to help you. But we both fall. I’m clumsy, as ever; you’re noble, as always; everyone get to laugh at me, and praise you; and your father might skip punishing me for you getting hurt in the process, as you obviously didn’t want me hurt to start with?” (pause, before adding earnestly, yet fiercely, as Merlin isn’t able to tone back the surge of threat in his eyes at the mere idea of having anyone disrespecting Arthur in that way) “If he doesn’t though, I’ll stand guard next to you.”

“Would you?” Arthur seems surprised; but touched: “Well, who knows, maybe I’ll return the favor the next time.”

Merlin can’t refrain a whine: “The next time?”

“Even I can’t save you from my father’s wrath every time; it’s bound to happen, either from your two left foots or your snarky mouth.”

They can hear the water now, and Arthur accelerates towards it, as Merlin lags behind, unable not to smile:

“I guess I’m supposed to say 'thank you’?”

“I might have forgotten to mention I’ll probably throw something in your face myself at the last moment. Prince’s privilege and all that…” - Arthur even turns towards him, giving him one of his goofy faces to boot (Merlin didn’t know *his* face could do *that*, by the way).

Merlin just keeps on smiling anyway. He probably hasn’t felt that brightly, positively, ridiculously happy since “I’m rehiring you - because someone needs to muck out my stables”. Arthur has a particular way to express fondness, and Merlin wouldn’t change it for the world.

.

V. THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MERLIN (ARTHUR POV)

Arthur is the first to reach the stream, and crouches down to test the water with his hand.

“It’s cold”, he warns, while Merlin walks in a straight line towards a tree with a low hanging branch and starts undressing - he does come here often, clearly.

Merlin shrugs: “Be grateful it’s not winter yet. Try bathing around Imbolc - that’s cold.” Merlin goes on; stating an afterthought while hanging his pants on the branch: “Still worth it though; everything here is just more… alive, you know. You don’t get that indoors.”

And Arthur has bathed on patrols enough to know that, honestly?: he prefers his warm baths. He can’t help but feel a smile on his face though at the words; they are so intrinsically Merlin.

/

Arthur had been struck, when they had met. No one had ever defied him, in any way. And it had stung; Arthur could admit. So. He had not been displeased at all when he had overmastered the fool and turned him over. The affront had been too public to be allowed to slide, and Arthur had decided he wouldn’t dwell a further thought about the goodhearted fool (Arthur knew terrorrizing people wasn’t right. He tended though to react badly whenever anyone acted cowardly (which was, well, all the time, around him); especially as he was actually *praised* for it somehow), but fool nonetheless, who should have known to mind his own business…

It had been nothing though in comparison to his surprise when their paths had crossed again. Arthur hadn’t been able NOT to taunt him - hoping, somehow… But the last thing Arthur had been actually expecting had been for Merlin to act *exactly the same*. Surely, now that he knew who he was, he would just scrabble around him as anyone else - not defy him again, knowing it would get him in chains again, right? Arthur had been *delighted* by Merlin’s untamable fire - the words, and then the look he had thrown at him while taking his jacket off? (Maybe Arthur had just been waiting all his life for someone to finally stand his ground to him, indeed…) Of course Arthur had let him go without punishment that second time - and any time since then (which was honestly difficult, as Merlin - always fighting for what was right more than for himself Merlin - frequently got riled up, be it in private OR IN PUBLIC, by literally anyone and anything).

Since he has been to Ealdor though, Arthur can’t help but see things under a new light.

Hunith is everything Arthur believes a loving mother to be. But there had been no father at home, nor any mention of one. (Arthur knows the sting of this kind of wound - missing a parent; and he had been saddened, as he had realized that Merlin bore such a wound too.) Arthur hadn’t dared to ask, but he had wondered: did Merlin ever got a father to start with; or had he been abandoned - intentionally or not? (Arthur knows how even an accident still feels akin to a betrayal in a child’s heart.) Which would be the worst anyway? But what if Merlin had been bullied through his childhood because of it? - children could be particularly malicious, when they intended to… Was it how Merlin had learned, the hard way, that fighting - both with his words and his fists - was the only way to end the pestering? And had decided it wouldn’t be only for his own sake, but for the sake of anyone who might ever need help? Was it what had brought Merlin close to Will - the fact that they both had lost their father? Was it the reason Will had wanted to learn magic to start with? (Arthur knows the near constant anger, too. As does Merlin, obviously.)

Arthur can’t help but feel grateful anew, somehow, and no matter what, still, that Merlin has had Will around: surely, no matter how bad the fights Merlin had jumped into, Will must have kept him safe - at least safe enough - *with his magic*. The thought had been unbidden the first time it had occured, and had definitely surprised Arthur; but he hadn’t been able to deny that it was what he truly felt indeed.

/

Because of course Arthur had come to care for Merlin. Isn’t it why he had gone to Ealdor to start with after all…

Merlin.

Definitely not an ordinary manservant. And probably not the champion manservant by any book (fast learner, and smart, and hard working, he was; but only about what *he* deemed important - hence for example his total disregard for any kind of storage? - but Arthur generally agreed with what Merlin deemed important or not anyway). But honestly the only manservant Arthur now could imagine ever having - or ever want to have.

Because Arthur likes Merlin as his manservant exactly just the way he is, and would now never wish for another - no matter (and specifically because of) how well-schooled and zealous to satisfy his every need (and whim) that hypothetic other might be… Arthur now sees what others might judge flaws as assets (Merlin’s clumsiness and chattiness are more endearing and uplifting than unefficient, especially as his opinions always sound reasonable; his sarcasm and insults are a sure way to keep Arthur’s head from ever getting inflated; and his challenging manners push Arthur to do and be better - from training with the knights to saving people’s lifes), and what others might judge insubordinate as being treated, for once, finally, as an equal, somehow (even though they both know and acknowledge they aren’t) - no matter whenever it comes out at Arthur’s expanse too, food getting shoved into his mouth and getting unceremoniously pulled out of bed included in their everyday banter, as Merlin can give just as much as he gets indeed. But that’s maybe what Arthur values the most: how Merlin’s respect feels earned and honest; neither forced by birthright or fear for repercussions, nor cajoling nor calculated.

Arthur has never had a private servant for longer than a year - his Father’s rule; but you bet Arthur is decided about keeping Merlin at his side when the year would end. He will have to strategize; he will need irrefutable arguments. But if he plays his cards well - and Merlin never ceases to hand him over cards to play - Arthur has no doubt that his Father will actually allow it: it’s in the best interest of the Kingdom after all.

Merlin.

A whirlwind. Always animated, always busy; never still, even when he’s doing nothing. But always so expressive - so easy to read - a fact Arthur has come not only to appreciate after decades around perpetually guarded scheming faces, but even to *trust*.

A chatty nature-loving poet with dangly limbs, gentle heart, and the brightest smile Arthur has ever seen - Arthur has come to know. Yet the sassiest mouth and the most unrelenting fighter Arthur has ever met; his utter lack of skills balanced by sheer defiance - Arthur has learned right from the start. (Merlin just never backs off, no matter the odds; which is very stupid, but also very brave.)

A confusing, clashing mess of contraries. But an admirable man, with a beautiful soul.

And you bet Arthur wouldn’t have him be any different.

Arthur shakes his head. Maybe - just like with his two left feet - it isn’t Merlin’s choice to be such a poet all the time. Arthur hasn’t been inside Merlin’s body for more than a few hours, and already he is turning into a maudlin bard himself, huh…

/

Arthur sighs; bringing himself back to the present - only to be struck by Merlin yet again.

Merlin has by now disrobed of everything except for the leather, which he has rolled up to his chest (logic; it would take too much time to tie it up all once more), and the tunic, which he now holds tightly in a bundle against his chest too, even if (and no doubt exactly because) it must get in his vision range as he enters the water. The lengths Merlin now goes again, simply to avoid to *see* - treating his body with the utmost respect, even when it is betraying him?

It should be insignificant, but the whole endeavour screams once more just how *devoted* Merlin always is, to him; and it is honestly dumbfounding.

He has been willing to die for me. And more than once.

The thought slices through Arthur’s mind; as usual charged with guilt, and heartbreaking, yet oddly sweet.

Arthur doesn’t understand: he has truly done very little to earn such high esteem - and that’s an euphemism. Getting the man in the stocks? Letting him drink poison destined for him? Having his only friend die?

But you bet Arthur cherishes it all the same. And he wants - oh, he WANTS - to be worthy of it. Not because it’s what he ought to do, repaying kindness with kindness, loyalty with loyalty; and definitely not because he owes Merlin a friend - you can’t replace a friend (even if Arthur never actually had a friend, he knows that it’s supposed to be a special, powerful, unique bond). Not even because Merlin does indeed makes him want to be a better man - even if that’s true, and definitely positive for the future of Camelot. But simply because HE. WANTS. TO. Arthur has realized by now how he is always tempted, whenever they are together: either to act silly in order to cause a smile; or to provoke Merlin until he bites. Both reactions feel peculiarly satisfying; spreading a pleasant warmth through his whole being - and Arthur just always has to smile…

So.

On impulse, Arthur disrobes Merlin’s lower half and enters the (indeed very cold) water while holding his tunic bundled up too, keeping his eyes stubbornly fixed on his own body sinking until the water reaches up to above its waist, as Merlin sits on his knees in the middle of the stream. And yes, the fact that Arthur has just chosen to abide by Merlin’s stubborn dedication on that matter, instead of letting his perpetual interest about literally everything run free, for once, (because yes, if he hadn’t witnessed Merlin’s commitment, Arthur might have taken a look at Merlin’s body, out of sheer curiosity; he wouldn’t though, not from now on…), is both a pledge and a self-serving whim.

Merlin, drawn by the sounds, turns to him with questioning eyebrows, and Arthur sheepishly drops on his knees next to him: “I thought it unfair to let you have all the fun on your own. Now, ready to scare the fish?”

Merlin howls with laughter. Arthur decides it’s definitely worth playing silly while freezing his ass off.

.

(Imbolc = 31 january)

Feel free to come and fangirl with me over 1.01 and then scream with me over 1.10 !

On a side note, I’m sorry but not sorry about that fish line? It was *totally* unplanned but then it just rolled out and I went 'yep, sure, arthur would, totally; it stays!’ ?

.

VI. THE PRINCE’S PART (ALTERNATE ARTHUR/MERLIN POV)

They get out; get dried; put their clothes back on. Merlin ties the towel to the branch, for future use.

Then, on their way back to the castle, Arthur asks Merlin about his agenda for the day.

Merlin gives him a look - like he’s unsure whether Arthur means it. Arthur gives him a look back - meaning he isn’t joking indeed.

Merlin smiles, eyes full of mirth: “Your chambers are a complete mess, your clothes need washing, your boots need cleaning, your dogs need exercising, your fireplace needs sweeping, your bed needs changing and, oh, *someone* needs to muck out your stables.” Merlin sobers up. “But we have more pressing matters at hand; so I think you can consider yourself free for the day.”

Arthur is taken aback. He recognizes his own words, of course. It’s both baffling and humbling - that Merlin can quote him, months later? and that Merlin has omitted one part and one part only in his old speech, because they both know his armour doesn’t need any repairing (the devotion Merlin shows those metal pieces echoing the devotion he shows to Arthur himself)? Arthur had first planned to give a playful thankful bow; but it would feel wrong.

“So. I’ll go bother Geoffrey. Try to get him to show me where the secret books are hidden. I’ll tell him Gaius has found a strange herb and wants to make sure it isn’t dangerous or something…”

/

Merlin has to give Arthur that: he is indeed insightful.

The mention of Gaius’s name though has Merlin slightly panicking again: Gaius doesn’t know yet about their current situation. What if he mentions 'something’ upon walking on Arthur thinking he is him? No. Merlin has to be there when they’ll get to see Gaius.

“Speaking about Gaius? Stay clear from his chambers. I doubt he’ll be as magnanimous as I am. He’ll do that thing with his eyebrow and have you pick herbs and brewing healing potions and concocting ointments before you even got a chance to tell him about our predicament - he’s really dedicated in my education as a physician, you know…”

“And I believe you rather enjoy it.”

“I do, indeed. I mean… It’s fascinating - do you know that the same stuff can cure you or kill you sometimes, depending on the dosis? Anyway, who wouldn’t want to know how to save lives?” Merlin can’t help but twitch. “I’m not sure I’m any good at it though…”

/

There is a flash of guilt in Merlin’s disheartened eyes, and Arthur realizes two things:

1) Merlin feels responsible for having been unable to save his friend Will. Which is understandable, because Merlin must have gathered by now some knowledge from Gaius’s lessons; but heartbreaking - because Arthur has seen enough arrow’s wounds to know that Will’s could never have healed - and perplexing - because Will has died to save *him*, not Merlin; so why would Merlin think the guilt was his to start with? and how come Arthur has never felt like Merlin might blame him for it either?

2) Merlin’s face is always *transparent* - a fact Arthur truly appreciates on Merlin’s face - but a fact that could turn out problematic, now that it’s on his own face…

“Let’s get back to my chambers. There is still something you should master better before the pleas.”

/

And that’s how Merlin finds himself positioned by Arthur in front of a mirror.

“What do you see, Merlin?” Arthur asks.

“Well, you?” Merlin feels he’s missing Arthur’s point, but he has no clue…

“Do you? Because I see my body, I see my clothes; but I do not see the Prince of Camelot - I’d like to think I play it better than that - and I must be, because my Father would not allow *this* I assure you - at least I hope or the kingdom is doomed.” Arthur ends on a sigh, shakes his head, and then turns commanding eyes back towards Merlin via the mirror. “Close your eyes, Merlin. Think of me. I mean, *picture* me; and more especially, picture me at any official activity you’ve served me through. See how I walk, how I stand, how I sit, how I move, how I look?”

Merlin does as asked, searching through his memories. After a while, he nods.

“Got it?”

“I think?”

“Then open your eyes, Merlin. What do you see?”

Merlin understands now. He can’t help but sigh helplessly. “Not the Prince of Camelot. Obviously. I’m sorry, Sire, I guess I’m just not… majestic enough to play you.”

“It’s not that hard, Merlin. Come on; I’ll explain. Ready?” Arthur grins at him via the mirror, exuding confidence - trust in him?; and Merlin would face (has faced) monsters to earn it indeed.

Merlin nods, their eyes still linked via the mirror.

“First thing first? You’re slouching.”

“Yes. (Merlin tries not to slouch; but is still not satisfied with the result) I think though the biggest problem is- There’s something wrong with your face.”

“Because you wear your heart on it, Merlin; and you mustn’t. Believe me, you do not want to be lectured for hours about this by my Father…”

Arthur moves away, and Merlin can’t see him anymore in the mirror. His voice is directing though, and Merlin focuses on the words to school his face.

“You’re a prince, so you *must* always look like one. No matter what you do, you must always, *always*, look confident. That’s the first strength of a kingdom - the strenghth of its ruler. That’s what keeps your people safe. So. Chin up, Merlin. Square your shoulders. Stand tall - stand *proud*.”

Merlin realizes the words are not Arthur’s; they’re Uther’s. He wonders how often indeed Arthur has heared those words - most probably often enough to give himself a internal pep talk before any official anything apparently…

“That’s better; but still not good enough. No matter how you feel inside must not show, Merlin. When you’re tired, hide it. When you’re sick, hide it. When you hurt, hide it. When you’re stressed, hide it. When you worry, hide it. When you doubt, hide it. When you’re bored, and even more when you disagree; hide it - it’s disrespectful; and we do not want wounded pride to fester, don’t we Merlin? When you’re afraid, definitely hide it. When you’re sad, hide it. And the trickiest part maybe: when you’re happy, hide it too - or risk whatever is making you happy to be taken away: weakening you is weakening the kingdom; and its enemies will never hesitate to bring you down, if you let them see even an inch of an opportunity.”

Merlin is shaken. He feels guilty, somehow. This is, certainly, too intimate. Merlin feels like he’s intruding. This feels even more trespassing than being in Arthur’s body. It’s like being forced in Arthur’s head, without his consent. It’s nauseating.

“Again, Merlin. Your eyes; focus. It’s a part; but it’s part of your job. So for the love of Camelot, Merlin, please try harder. Your people reckon on you to lead them and protect them; so it’s your duty to be a leader, and to be strong. Work hard; harder than anyone else. You *must* be an example, an inspiration. You must be admirable in everything, so that your people will follow you everywhere. But you must lead, Merlin; never follow. A ruler is alone - *must* be alone. Do not trust anyone; at least do not trust anyone more than anyone else, and surely not more than you trust yourself. Your own judgement must *never* be clouded.”

Merlin can’t help but turn towards Arthur at the words, both in disbelief and in ache… Because Merlin has grown up hiding, but he had never realized that Arthur had, too; and maybe even more than him. Arthur must not only always pretend and perpetually watch over his shoulder; he must pretend and watch over his shoulder *alone*. And Merlin can only imagine how hard that must have been, and be. Back at Ealdor, Merlin had (and still has) his loving mother, and he had Will. Even here, now, Merlin has Gaius. And somehow, yes: he has Arthur too, Merlin suddenly realizes; and then feels ashamed, because he can’t help but feel blessed - Arthur trusts him. Because Arthur is definitely less guarded around him, isn’t he? When it’s just the two of them; Arthur and Merlin? Arthur laughs, Arthur doubts, Arthur *shows*; maybe not everything - but that’s probably not possible as he is so trained - but something at least always shines through; even if it’s by putting his feet on his face… But Merlin knows now, how rare and precious it truly is. They can never be friends, maybe; but Arthur trusts him. That’s undeniable; and that’s everything, somehow.

“Do not look at me; look at the mirror, Merlin. Harden your eyes. Smile; always politely, even when you don’t want to smile at all; more genuinely, when it’s true - but never let it go up to your eyes. First thing about tomorrow too; as we’re at it. Hear everyone out. Listen with your full attention to everyone; whether you agree or not. Never decides right away; except if it’s necessary, in war time. Your decisions must be thought upon; never a spur of the moment. If something is unclear, do not let it show during concil. If you favor a position, do not let it show during concil. If you disagree, do not let it show during concil. You need further advice, or even only further information? Seek the appropriate person in private; ask man to man. They will see the honor in it if it’s positive, and be thankful you kept it private if it’s negative. Also. You must be ready to be impartial, Merlin; because you do not need to be kind, but you must always be fair. You may - and you will, unfortunately - make mistakes; but never ackowledge them. Fix them. If you can’t; repair as much damage as possible. Learn from your errors, in order to never make the same mistake again. But never apologize. Come on Merlin; I’m sure you can do it. You’re nearly there.”

More over, Merlin realizes the Arthur he gets to see nowadays - the true Arthur - has always been there already, even under the pretense of the moron. Kilgarrah is wrong. His destiny isn’t to change Arthur; because there is nothing to change. Arthur already has everything to be a great king, the greatest king, all on his own.

And so, Merlin is *angry*. He has now yet another reason to despise Uther, it seems - scarring his child on the inside in such a way. Of course Arthur always feels inadequate; of course Arthur feels lacking; of course the only bond Arthur values is the one with his fellow knights - ride to glory or death, together? It’s the only bond Uther has authorized him to authorize himself to ever have… But Merlin’s anger is a good thing, apparently - because whenever Merlin thinks about Uther, Arthur finds that he’s playing the Prince’s part better.

“There Merlin, you have it. See? Right there. Lock it; just like that. That’s good enough for anyone looking today; because believe me, someone *will* be looking, even if only my Father and not the one who switched us or anyone else with ill intentions - there is *always* *someone* looking, Merlin.”

Fine. Think about Uther; until the pleas are done. Merlin can do it; and he’ll gladly do it. He’ll probably gladly do anything; for Arthur. He can still have a cry or hit a wall afterwards, right…

.

Arthur needs a hug. I volunteer. Anyone with me? (besides Merlin, obviously…)

.

VII. DOOMED (ARTHUR POV)

With a last commanding yet encouraging nod, Arthur leaves Merlin by the Great Hall’s entrance and starts to make his way towards the Library.

He is stopped by Merlin’s name being called out twice - because he has failed to react right away; Arthur chastises himself. It is the headmaster recruiting hands: his Father wants his bath ready when the pleas end.

Arthur doesn’t want to bring Merlin in trouble, of course; so he takes on the ordered job - after all, how complicated can it be?

He is paired with a newcomer answering the name of George who looks up to him as if he holds the sun: the Prince’s manservant! Which isn’t that bad. Until he starts, seemingly embarrassed but curious all the same, to ask questions like “Is the Prince as terrible as they say?” or “Is it true he throws knives?” and such? Arthur tries to explain that the training field is, well, to train? He isn’t sure the message gets across though, as George only holds his eyes with a perplexed gaze…

Arthur can’t help but hope that Merlin at least understands that he’s not only training himself but also trying to get Merlin to know how to defend himself if not to attack whenever he comes at him with a mace or anything… He should maybe make his intentions clearer, apparently…

Anyway. After yet another round of carrying buckets full of cold or warmed-up water up and down and left and right, Arthur realises there is more to it than it looks; and the bath is only half full still…

And when they’re nearly done? His three coworkers and the headmasteer seem satisfied, but Arthur can’t help but think while bringing up the last two buckets that they achieved nothing more than a luke warm bath with a clean but no particular scent. Merlin’s baths are definitely of a superior category on both accounts, and Arthur doesn’t know if he should feel guilty and spoiled for regularly enjoying better baths than the king himself, or more amazed or worried about Merlin’s bath-preparing skills (is he even thinking about his safety? he wouldn’t actually carry boiling water up the stairs, would he?)

Arthur decides he should address the issue. And maybe take baths downstairs from now on just in case - a little backroom near the kitchen would be more practical than his chambers, wouldn’t it? When the space isn’t needed for banquets preparations and such of course…

Arthur misses the first step towards the second floor (it’s actually the eleventh time today that he misses a step - he still isn’t used to Merlin’s feet). This time though, his balance is too lost for him to compensate and he falls backwards, landing on his butt and ready to get soaked and hit by the water and buckets he has released when instinctively freeing his hands (one to help catch his fall; one to protect himself from the falling projectiles). Except nothing comes: no water, no hit - and no falling sound either. And when Arthur takes a look? The buckets and water are… floating above his head?

Arthur gasps in surprise, his mind going both blank and reeling…

Then only does Arthur finally get drenched and hit on the shoulder.

Arthur blinks. Twice.

What has just happened isn’t normal, at all. Only - only magic could make such a thing possible!

Arthur looks around, instinctively - scanning for a threat.

He is alone; the corridors are empty as far as he can see, and he hears no voices, nor steps.

Which is good, because no one is attacking him then.

Which is the worst though - because if there is no one around… then the only person responsible for what he has just witnessed must be - is - HIMSELF?!

Arthur gasps again; this time in panick.

His first instinct is denial. But he knows what he saw. And somehow, it just makes sense, doesn’t it?

It’s not the body of the Prince that whoever switched him and Merlin is after. It’s his mind…

Put him in the body of a servant, give him magic, and sooner or later (and most probably sooner) he is bound to die by his Father’s law. What is he supposed to say in his defense? That he IS the Prince, in another body which had been given an ounce of magic on the sole purpose of getting him executed? Who would ever believe him…

In the meantime, the schieming sorcerer must have judged that a servant in his body may be too delighted by the upgrade in status to be a threat to his plans and would gladly unknowingly collaborate, on top of being totally untrained and incompetent at any of his duties.

Then? One only has to kill the King, either by making him ‘ill’ or using the same trick again and - for sure - Camelot is doomed to get wiped out from the map by the first band of Saxons passing by (and most probably enticed to pass by very soon after its King’s death): its only true heir gone, and the supposed one obviously improper to defend it. All of it without casualties on the attacking side, and without anyone knowing how it all came to be, which means no one, even loyal to Camelot, would have a reason to stand against the new regime put in place.

Arthur is more afraid than he has ever been - and he has been in combat enough for that fact to mean something. He feels crushed; defeated, even before the battle - and honestly? He has never despised himself that much. No matter that he has never felt both so unprepared and so intrinsically useless - and not even able to trust himself: surrender is simply inexcusable. Camelot depends on it.

Besides, Arthur owes it to Merlin to fight, right. It’s after all Merlin’s body that’s to die along his spirit. Oh! The villainy, the cowardice in this attack! Use an innocent victim as a vessel to be sacrificed. Sorcerers definitely have no sense of honor indeed.

So. Arthur is angry now. A much more suited mindset, he decides - as long as he doesn’t allow it to blind him. And he won’t. Merlin’s body depends on it too.

Arthur takes a deep breath. He has been taught strategy even before he could talk, right? Time to make a plan of action.

First. He is not as alone as Camelot’s enemy has calculated him to be. He is, in fact, not alone at all. He has Merlin.

Loyal Merlin; not only willing but even devoted to getting back into his own servant body rather than happily playing the prince. Magic familiar and open-minded Merlin - which means Arthur has not only someone who won’t judge him nor fear him to confide in about his new endangering (and in so many ways) abilities, but also someone who might have some basic understanding of it; since he was Will’s friend? Heart-in-the-right-place Merlin: too kind, maybe (but he can at least get aware of it enough in order not to be lead only by it); but naturally just and fair Merlin. Brave, fierce, tenacious Merlin; too reckless though (but again: he can at least get aware of it enough in order not to be lead only by it). Ressourceful Merlin, fast-learning Merlin: he would master his body’s strength, eventually; and Leon would be here to lead the Knights in the meantime… Arthur takes an oath. Even if they fail to find a solution to their problem, Camelot won’t be left unprotected. Come what may; even the worst? Merlin *will* be ready to take his place. Having Merlin’s unique edges smoothed out feels wrong; but it just has to be for show, right?

Second. Well, there is no really second yet; at least not more than what they have already planned. They need to find some books - and pray that they will be useful. And Arthur will just have to be particularly attentive about not repeating the kind of blunder he just did with witnesses present.

Yes. Merlin. Books. Start at the beginning; and with luck, it might just work out in the end.

Arthur cleans up as best as he can, using and wringing his soaked tunic in the buckets, then runs to Merlin’s room for a set of dried clothes. Turning up to retake his place at 'Arthur’’s side while drenched would only draw unwanted attention…

.

So. Basically? Yep. This is a magic-reveal unreveal fic. But. I mean… It’s Arthur? Also: this fic (to me) is canon (fitting) - so it just can’t be a reveal fic. Bonus: it explains too why Arthur doesn’t get the courage-magic-strength trio hint later on. He thinks Merlin is magic; but only because there is some residual trace to sense from when his body had magic (aka this fic), not that he actually has magic still at the time… Arthur can be at the same time very aware yet very unaware, and he can be so very biased and decided to see things his way, no matter how circumvoluted, right? (Also, of course Arthur thinks in fact then that HE is magic in the trio: he was after all the one inside Merlin when his body had magic; and Merlin IS courage - Arthur has such a low self-esteem to start with…)

On a side note: Arthur would actually trust Merlin with Camelot (even despite his limits). If that doesn’t tell you all there is to tell then I don’t know how to express it. *SIGH* *GROSS SOBBING* (Gwen though is  innately  made to be Queen - but Arthur doesn’t know that yet. He isn’t wrong about Merlin though - for Arthur’s memory? Merlin would do his best to be a great King too, you bet…) *GROSS SOBBING AGAIN*

.

VIII. MERLIN’S CHAINMAIL (ARTHUR POV)

“Merlin! My boy! You’re soaked! Did you provoke Arthur again and end up under the well for it this time?”

Great. Gaius sounds half amused half concerned. Does actually *everyone* think him to be a brute?

Well; nevermind. Merlin knows better, right - and that’s what matters. Merlin is never backing away, Merlin is never really complaining; Merlin just watches him with mirth in his challenging eyes: I dare you. Of course Arthur HAS TO then… It’s like… kind of a private wordless conversation only the two of them understand. But honestly? Arthur wouldn’t trespass Merlin’s limits - if anything, Arthur would probably even feel guilty, if Merlin actually ever made one known…

But then, Gaius is patting his shoulder, pushing him towards 'his’ room; and Arthur is stunned silent, as he can’t help but relish on the (for him unusual) affectionate paternalistic small gesture.

“Get changed. Get warmed up. You’ll tell me later. I haven’t heard the bell signaling the end of the pleas, it is already so late? I’ve just finished Sir Kay’s potion, and it should be drinken warm, as you know; so I’d better be on my way. We’ll prepare Uther’s draught and the balm for Little Kathleen’s knee when I’m back. Also, I’m afraid I’ve ruined my coat; if you could work your magic on it next time you’re mending Arthur’s clothes, I’d be very much obliged?”

And then Gaius is gone, and Arthur is still stunned, but now for another reason - it was but a polite turn of phrase, of course, and Arthur knows Merlin just isn’t capable of miracles, as proven by the state of some of his shirts - beyond mending; but Gaius would better not use some idioms that carelessly around the palace - who knows who might hear and takes things the wrong way… Arthur shakes his head as he hurries to change, feeling sorry for letting Gaius down, but not planning to stay around until Gaius comes back - he wouldn’t know anyway how to prepare his Father’s nor Kathleen’s medicine, right…

Arthur opens Merlin’s cupboard.

There are only two folded set of clothes (neckerchief included indeed), and Arthur just takes the one on top.

He’s about to close the door when his eyes fall on Merlin’s chainmail.

/

The first time Arthur had told Merlin that he had been assigned to lead some patrol, Merlin had right away asked:

“When do we leave?”

Arthur had been surprised, then had tilted his head, apprehending Merlin while explaining that coming along was to be Merlin’s choice; and not per se his duty as palace manservant. They usually asked for volunteers; there was extra coin to be earned and such.

Merlin had only repeated:

“Sire; when do we leave?”

Arthur had been surprised again, but definitely pleased:

“Tomorrow at first light.”

“I’d better start packing right away then. What do you need?”

After having listed their necessities, Arthur had mentioned that he would have a chainmail sent to Gaius’s for Merlin to wear. Merlin had countered that he had no wish for carrying extra weight around as it would only slow him down in his chores; and that he would rather wear his everyday clothes. Arthur had said it was folly to go unprotected - they would patrol the borders, and thiefs and saxons could fall on them - and Merlin had finally relented some and agreed to wear a chainmail he would self adapt as he wished above some clothing but under his tunic. Arthur had been suspicious when Merlin had turned up the next morning without even a cap showing out, and had actually moved his neckerchief aside to make sure Merlin was wearing metal under his tunic…

/

Without hesitation, Arthur takes the chainmail out too, deciding he should wear it under his clothes. After all, the longer Arthur might succeed in hiding his new abilities, the more chances there are that the one responsible for their troubles might choose to turn to more expeditive measures of his own. Killing a servant might go unnoticed for awhile, and would work just as well in case whoever had planned this got tired of waiting for Arthur to betray himself and get executed. Which means that Merlin’s body is just walking around as a mark waiting to get hit… and Arthur should do his best to protect it. Merlin’s chainmail is barely worth its name; but it does cover his chest, belly and back, at least.

Arthur makes it back to the Great Hall right on time for the end of the pleas. It was the moment they had planned to stage for Arthur’s injury; but Arthur discretly but authoritatively signals 'no’ with his head. It would be too risky; what if while falling he instinctively uses magic again - in front of the whole court? Merlin gives him a curious look but follows his cue anyway, thanksfully. There is still enough time to create an excuse before training; and they can still tell he fell even without witnesses anyway. It would have been a nice added touch at make-believe, but Gaius vouching for them should be enough on its own, right?

As they walk in silence back to Gaius’s quarters, Arthur feels Merlin’s eyes upon him, boring and questioning. So when they pass by his chambers, Arthur takes the opportunity for privacy. Once behind closed doors, Arthur leads them to the most private corner, as far from the door as possible. Then he takes a deep breath, and turns towards Merlin to explain… everything.

He hasn’t got the time to start though before Merlin hushes out, worry evident in his voice, pointing to Arthur’s side where a hint of metal is visible if you pay attention - and Merlin always pays attention, doesn’t he:

“Sire? Why are you wearing my chainmail?”

.

AN: It’s canon after all that Arthur doesn’t force Merlin to come along - he lets him leave before Camlann, right? But yes, this is just me giving some sense to the 'just let’s Merlin accompany us everywhere without any kind of protection’ unacceptable general policy. So. Merlin *has* some protection. We just don’t see it. Okay? And the few times he’s actually in armor on patrol, it’s because they need a decoy or something… Also, just so you know: Merlin of course thought that Arthur would probably think that he didn’t want to be seen in a chainmail because he didn’t want to look like a soldier in order not to seem a danger nor a target, but Merlin just couldn’t care: he HAD to be an unconspicuous nobody - it made it easier to protect Arthur with his magic if no one really paid attention to him. And to end with a cute note: whenever they ride out ? Arthur always checks that Merlin wears his chainmail - a fact Merlin can’t help but always secretly revel in…

.

IX. REVELATIONS (MERLIN POV)

Arthur looks anxious - which only makes Merlin worry more.

“I found out… why I was put into your body. I’m sorry, Merlin. I wear your chainmail because your body is in great danger; and it’s all because of me… again. ”

“Wha-”

Arthur cuts him with an imperative gesture from his hand, voice hushed - even though it echoes in Merlin’s ears like a shout:

“I have- I mean you have… Magic!”

Merlin’s breath catches; panick rising. Arthur knows! Arthur knows?

Arthur seems to read his struck expression though as simple denial.

“Yes, Merlin; you heard right! Magic! I saw water and wood floating above my head - floating, Merlin! - That’s the only way to explain it! But I have no idea how it gets triggered, I have no idea how to control any of it - I fell and it happened, I guess, instinctively? Now you understand why I couldn’t have us stage a fall… If people find out? *When* people find out? My Father will have me - YOU - beheaded!”

Merlin’s eyebrow furrow. He doesn’t understand. If Arthur knows he has magic? How come Arthur looks *contrite* instead of angry; afraid *for him* instead of afraid of him? Not that Merlin is complaining about the fact that Arthur obviously doesn’t wish to see him beheaded, of course; his evident worry is even heartwarming, in a way… but heartbreaking, too, as Merlin can’t help but feel that Arthur’s reaction must be induced by some reason that he doesn’t comprehend yet but that has little to do about him having magic at all…

Arthur then fully explains his theory about their attacker using his body to get to Camelot by erasing Arthur, then Uther, and marching against a Camelot lead by an unprepared servant playing Prince. Merlin is shocked, and shaken. Because indeed Arthur’s reaction isn’t about him having magic at all, but about Arthur feeling responsible for his body’s impending doom. But what hurts the most yet is the heavy guilt that settles upon Merlin’s chest - crushing, constricting, inescapable - as he realizes that in fact everything is his fault! Arthur’s thinking may be flawed on one account; but the rest of it makes sense, indeed. And so Merlin cannot deny that Arthur has been targeted and put into his own body because whoever did this actually knows that he has magic.

And so Merlin feels panick rising again, and even worse than before. It is already complicated enough for Merlin to hide his powers - and he has had practice at it since his birth. How could Arthur ever successfully hide them for long… And to think that *HE* might be the cause of Arthur’s death? It’s worse than anything; worse than everything. And it’s devastating. Merlin can’t hold Arthur’s gaze anymore.

Arthur probably thinks he is overwhelmed by the surprise of his body being a target though.

“And I’m sorry - again, Merlin - but I can’t go and hide at some random remote place until I’ve worked out how to subdue it at least, if not suppress it. There is no time. I can’t leave Camelot; not when it’s so endangered.”

Merlin feels like screaming: Arthur shouldn’t apologize; Arthur shouldn’t feel guilty - It’s all on him!

“It’s all right, Sire. I know you’re right: we have to stay here. After all, our best shot to end this mess is to find guidance in some books; and our best shot to find said books is staying here.” (Also, you bet Merlin isn’t willing to leave Camelot either because he is going to consult with Kilgarrah… Merlin had planned to go to the Great Dragon at the first occasion right when he had realized they had switched bodies; but he now can’t help but wish for the night to come even sooner.)

Arthur looks surprised by Merlin’s easy acceptance as he lets out: “I was going to point that out too?”

Arthur seems to hesitate an instant, taking a deep breath; but then, probably finally enticed by the fact that they still are on the same page apparently, he hushes out words that Merlin had never imagined he would ever hear, even in his wildest dreams.

“Now that’s settled… Do you have any idea that might help me keep it in check? I mean… Back in Ealdor? Did your friend Will maybe ever share something with you that we could use? Anything?”

Merlin’s mouth falls open; but nothing comes out of it. He realizes just how surreal it must have been for Arthur to utter those words. But Arthur looks decided, as always. He means it. And that’s when Merlin realizes Arthur is in fact ready to *learn*. Arthur still doesn’t trust magic, and definitely doesn’t trust his magic now that he has some; he only sees it as a treacherous condition. But he is willing to face it outright, instead of wishing or pretending it isn’t even there to start with. And Merlin realizes that this isn’t only proof of Arthur’s mighty heart; but that it also might actually be their saving too, with some luck?

And so Merlin just HAS to take a chance. Anyway, Arthur *needs* him; and how could Merlin ever let him down to start with… Besides, what if it made Arthur realize that magic isn’t only to be feared; that magic can be good, too, actually?

“Maybe you shouldn’t learn how to keep it check, but how to have it *work*?”

Arthur opens his mouth now, either in shock or to retort - or both; so Merlin hurries to push his point.

“Hear me out, please. Even when we do find an helpful book? The spell we’re under must be very powerful - I mean, have you ever heard or thought this could even be possible? - so we might still require magic too in order to perform whatever will be mentioned in the book? So yes, your new abilities are supposed to be our doom; but maybe we can turn them to our advantage? You have MAGIC, Arthur. If you can control it and use it - on your terms? Maybe that’s just what we need to solve our problem?”

Merlin waits. And Arthur isn’t taking the opportunity to repel his idea. Silence goes on; and still, Arthur isn’t refusing. If anything, he looks… thoughtful, even if doubtful. But there’s resolve, too; and maybe, even, a spark of hope? So Merlin just takes the final plunge.

“As you said… I might have… some basic notions about it? It’s worth a try, Arthur. What do you say?”

Merlin’s heart is pounding so hard it’s going to break his chest for sure, as they hold gazes for a long time - Merlin silently pleading for Arthur to just trust him. Then Arthur gives him a firm nod.

“I say this is probably folly but we have to try, indeed. So. You train me? And I train you.”

Merlin tilts his head, unsure about the second part.

“There are things I want to teach you, Merlin”, Arthur explains; pleads even. “In case we stay stuck in each others body no matter what we try; in case your body should- I know it’s a lot to ask, especially as I apparently keep making your life a hell just by existing? But will you please let me prepare you to take my place, if necessary?”

Merlin’s breath is knocked out of him. Arthur would trust *him* with *Camelot*? But Merlin cannot even contemplate it. Arthur cannot be gone; musn’t be gone; will not be gone. Merlin’s voice is fierce as it simply refutes the prospect.

“Sire, it won’t come to-”

Arthur lays a hand on his shoulder.

“It would mean a lot to me.”

And what can Merlin do then, but promise - and mean it:

“Anything, Arthur.”

The hand leaves his shoulder, but Arthur’s eyes stay fixed on him.

“Thank you, Merlin.”

And Merlin takes another oath - this one to himself. They’ll work it out. They’ll make it work. They will.

.

They both feel guilty for endangering the other more than they are worried about themselves *heavy sigh*

.

X. TRAINING (MERLIN POV)

Gaius is working on finishing Uther’s draught when ‘Arthur’ surprisingly comes in without knocking.

“Sire? Do you need-”

Merlin hasn’t prepared a speech on their way (how do you announce this anyway?) So he just blurts it out, as Arthur comes in after him and takes place at his side.

“We need your help, Gaius. Our bodies have been switched. (pointing to himself) Merlin. (pointing to his body) Arthur. We awoke like this this morning.”

Gaius looks stunned - of course. Then, for the shortest of times, he looks unconvinced; but this is after all Camelot, where strange things always happen, indeed - and not only Arthur would most probably have better things to do than playing along with Merlin’s pranks; but also Merlin wouldn’t have the heart to make *such* a prank to start with - not to him. So Gaius looks concerned now, gaze jumping with worry between Merlin and Arthur, holding Merlin’s eyes with a question in his eyes - and Merlin knows what’s worrying him.

Merlin can only give Gaius though a fragile smile to assure him that he is all right along with an apologetic look in return. He isn’t sure Arthur would want anyone else knowing about the magic too, so he will have to wait for a private occasion to explain everything to Gaius. For now, he just sticks to the plan.

“Arthur is expected to train soon, and we thought you could give us a way out of it. No one should be aware that Arthur isn’t Arthur until we’ve fixed this.”

Gaius doesn’t even hesitate.

“Of course (nodding to Merlin). I’ll go and tell you injured your sword arm (nodding to Arthur).”

/

Gaius goes out, mentioning coming back later to make Little Kathleen’s balm. Once the door closes, Arthur says he wonders what Merlin has in mind for 'training’. So Merlin decides he should help them both at once.

Merlin looks around for something basic, and his eyes light up when they fall on two bowls - not only basic but also potentially useful, if it works? He sets them on the table in front of Arthur: one stays empty, the other one get filled with water.

“Here. Try to make the water move into the other bowl.”

Arthur looks at the bowls, then at Merlin; incredulous.

“I’m not sure- I mean, even if I make this work, how am I supposed to put ourselves back into our bodies that way? How can I perform whatever must be performed if I am out of the performing body?”

“This is just a beginning, Sire. This is just a way to have you… feel your magic? Find it, and use it as you wish, when you wish. But if you need a valid reason, I promise this will be useful too, when you’ve mastered it.”

Arthur seems perplexed. Merlin confides, voice low as if sharing a secret: “We won’t have to disturb the fish anymore?”

Arthur is apparently too stressed out to even smile, sadly. But he gives Merlin a satisfied nod. “I’d better start trying then, huh.” A helpless sigh follows though. “Any hint about how to feel it to start with? Where to find it?”

Merlin hesitates. Not only because he wonders how much he can tell without Arthur realizing he knows too much, but also because he struggles about how to put into words what he has always simply felt. He has never had to search for it; it had always just been there. But maybe he can describe it by telling what he doesn’t feel, since he’s in Arthur’s body?

“Don’t search for 'where’. It’s not in one place; it’s everywhere. Not only in your body; literally everywhere - earth, air, water, fire. Like a… warm… tingling… flow? When you’ve found it, try to concentrate on it, focus on it, in order to direct it towards what you want - with your hands, your eyes, your voice; whatever works?”

Arthur’s brow has only deepened from the explanation, and Merlin can’t help but sigh:

“I’m sorry. It’s gibberish. I don’t know how to explain-”

“What you can’t know”, Arthur cuts him with a wave of his hand. “Of course. I have to find it on my own. Thank you for trying, at least?”

And so Arthur goes to sit at the table, facing the two bowls, while Merlin starts on the balm for Little Kathleen’s knee (hopefully for the last time, as her recovery seems to be going well, thanksfully) - both to feel useful and to give Arthur some kind of privacy. His moving around though must be disturbing, because Arthur switches place, turning his back to him. But it gives Merlin the freedom to check over his shoulders from time to time without risking to meet Arthur’s eyes.

/

This isn’t working though, Merlin can tell, by the time he’s done preparing Little Kathleen’s balm (he waits for Gaius to check if he got all doses and ingredients right though before finishing; he has only done it once) and a sleeping draught (for the guards guarding Kilgharra’s tunnel) (Gaius has had him prepare Morgana’s draught several times already, and has explained how to up the doses while keeping it safe): Arthur looks nothing but tensed, when he would need to be relaxed in order to feel… Trying too hard is nothing but counterproductive.

That’s when Merlin realizes he’s been going at it the wrong way. Arthur is not him. Arthur is *Arthur*. And when Arthur is at an impasse and needs a clear head? He trains. Activity helps him focus. Exhaustion helps him forget. To find his inner ground, Arthur must be physically busy; not sitting hunched over a table looking at two bowls.

Merlin eyes again his surroundings: spoons should work. Gaius has them in lots of size, both wood and metal. Merlin bundles them all in his tunic, and calls for Arthur as he passes in front of him.

“Let’s try something else. You can work on the water later on.”

Arthur’s eyes follow him questioningly up the stairs. Merlin sets his collection down, then holds a spoon up.

“Try to stop it from falling to the ground.”

Merlin let the spoon fall. It hits the ground, of course; but Arthur surely looks now interested by the new challenge. Merlin smiles, and lets another spoon fall.

After five rounds, Arthur gets up and gathers the spoons before handing them over to a crouching Merlin, instead of having Merlin going down, and up, and down, and up… A few rounds later still, Arthur picks up a spoon he has missed on his way and calls out for Merlin to catch it instead of walking back. Merlin misses it though, and it lands on his arm. And that’s when Merlin thinks his new idea can even be perfectioned.

He takes the offending spoon off the ground and holds it at the ready, eyeing Arthur, waiting for him to understand. And Arthur does, of course.

“Merlin? Are you threatening me with a spoon?”

Merlin grins wolfishly. He throws, and Arthur easily dodges, laughing.

“How long have you been waiting for such an opportunity?”

“Forever?” Merlin lies, before throwing another spoon, which Arthur blocks with an upraised arm.

Merlin can’t help but scowl: “You’re supposed to make the spoon divert its course; not block it or move out of its way.”

Arthur has actually the decency to look apologetic: “I know. Sorry. Reflexes.” Then he smirks. “But please, indulge yourself and do go on.”

And Merlin does. And it’s glorious somehow, how they are suddenly both intent and carefree, spoons clattering everywhere on both sides as Arthur now throws the spoons back to Merlin too. Hits land on both sides too, as they both throw quicker and harder.

/

At some point, the door opens and a spoon hits… Gaius.

“Sorry”, Merlin lets out, hurrying down to check he hasn’t hurt Gaius.

Gaius looks at the both of them with incomprehension, but Arthur explains even before Merlin has even opened his mouth.

“We’re actually working on something, Gaius; not destroying your chambers. (the slightest hesitation - but if Gaius is to be their ally then Arthur has decided he should know, well, everything, it seems) I have been jinxed too, on top of the body swap. It appears I have been given… magic; to be my doom - and well… Merlin’s body end.”

Gaius looks sort of disapprovingly to Merlin at the M word, but his gaze softens somehow, even though it turns outright anxious, as Arthur further explains his theory about their attacker’s plan.

“So, now you know it all, Gaius. And we also need your help for something more than giving me an excuse not to train… We need… information. I thought… You and Geoffrey go way back, right? Maybe you could persuade him to lend you a few special books?”

Gaius nods, eyeing Merlin.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Arthur nods back.

“In the meanwhile, I have to understand how it works, in order to prevent anyone finding it out until we’ve found a way to lift the spells?”

“Of course. Just let me take what’s necessary and I’ll leave you to it.”

Merlin then shows Gaius his previous work (safely tucked away in his room after the first round of spoons throwing - and yes, it also gives Merlin the opportunity to silently let Gaius know where his book is hidden, so that he will be able to retrieve it later on and present it to them as coming from Geoffrey or something). Gaius proudly tells he got everything right and gathers it all into a bowl.

“I can finish the balm in the kitchens. I’ll be back to bandage your arm though later on, Merlin; our Prince is supposed to be injured, and our King will want to check on his son right when he comes back from today’s hunt and hears about it.”

/

They start again where they had left, but nothing magical ever happens still, and after some time, Arthur exclaims in annoyance: “Maybe you should use knifes?”

And Merlin understands the logic; but Merlin just… can’t. He counters with an idea of his own.

“Maybe I should tie you up on a chair so that you can’t dodge them anymore?”

And Arthur gives a shrug… then goes to sit.

Merlin finds some rope and tie Arthur’s legs and chest to the chair. He hesitates, then tie only Arthur’s left hand behind the chair.

“In case it helps if you aim”, he explains.

Then Merlin is facing Arthur again. The spoons hit; one at a time. But Arthur glares at them - never at Merlin; and so Merlin goes on.

And then… (they’ve been going at it for so long that Merlin has stopped counting rounds) a spoon finally *stops*, mid-air, before simply falling vertically to the ground instead of keeping its course.

Merlin’s mouth falls open as Arthur keeps looking at his hand in wonder.

“Did you see-”

“Yes!” Merlin can’t help but shout happily.

Arthur meets his eyes, looking even more resolute than before.

“Again.”

Arthur doesn’t stop lots of spoons (yet, hopefully); but he regularly stops or redirects one.

And then, Arthur looks at his hand, and then at him, both in wonder.

“It *is* warm!”

And that’s definitely progress in the right direction, if Arthur has *felt* it.

The look they share is actually hopeful, for the first time since this began.

/

After some time, Merlin decides they should take a pause. Arthur still has to prepare him for tomorrow concil too, right?

So Merlin starts asking about what he should know for the coming concil right while untying Arthur’s legs.

“Will was definitely lucky to count you as a friend.”

Merlin’s eyes jump to Arthur’s in surprise; not only from the compliment, but also from the repeat mention of Will. Before today, Arthur had never mentioned Will, since they had left Ealdor.

Arthur doesn’t notice. Or - more probably - Arthur notices but goes on anyway; he is nothing but brave after all.

“I never had a friend, but I believe friends are supposed to help each other out, right? And well, you’re good at helping out, is all. And I know I have little to no right to talk about him; but I think you should know that I’m grateful, and that he has my respect, Merlin.”

Merlin is utterly speechless. Arthur has finally found, it seems, a way to shut him up. And to get him teary-eyed to boot. Merlin lowers his eyes to the ground.

“I believe he was a kind man. I mean- He must have been, of course - I don’t see you befriending someone cruel or-… But even taking only my own judgment into account?  I suppose he could have probably done more harm than a whirlwind. But he didn’t. He wanted to defend, more than to attack; there is nothing malicious in that. It’s unfair his kindness caused his end though. Sometimes, maybe, it’s necessary to be the first to strike; even if you can never know how actually well-founded that decision then is; and you have to live with it.”

Merlin feels guilty, again. And angry. Does Arthur have to remind him that Will’s death is his fault? For all his magic? Merlin is indeed nothing but *useless*, indeed. He works on finishing to untie Arthur as quickly as he can.

Arthur must have read the inwards directed angry shake of his head for something else though, as he lets out a somewhat apologizing sigh.

“I realize I’m very biased, Merlin; because if he had used his powers in a harmful way? I would probably have been the first to accuse him of being a monster. (pause) But he hasn’t. And I haven’t searched for any magical powers - yet here I am.”

Another sigh; nothing but helpless this time. So Merlin *has* to look up. He has failed Will. He won’t fail again. He won’t fail Arthur. Arthur’s gaze is lost inward though.

“Sire”, Merlin pleads, hunting Arthur’s eyes then locking onto them.

Arthur fidgets; Merlin can’t help but note the oddity and rarity.

“I just- I realize this is the strangest thought to have while we are yet again under a sorcerer’s threat, but… Maybe not everything is always as black or white as I’ve been told all my life? Maybe not everyone with magic is actually evil? … Will? Me? … Again, maybe I’m only very biased. Because who knows then how many might have been wrongly punished- (a heavy sigh; wondering and remorseful this time, as Arthur shakes his head, apparently thinking about his Father’s deeds as his own - as he has allowed them to come to pass without opposition for so long…) But I *have* to believe that it’s possible to have magic without being corrupted by it. I mean… What if it sticks? Even after…”

“Arthur”, Merlin starts again as Arthur’s voice falters - even though Merlin still has no exact idea about what he wants to say; at least not in what order. Arthur’s genuine regrets and palpable fear are boring a hole right through his heart; just as Arthur’s words about Will and about magic (it is a step in the right direction; no matter how small) spread warmth through it too. Merlin’s possible soothing or grateful words in return all feel just tangled and messy and worthless and not enough and-

Arthur clears his throat, then softly exhales as he finally looks away: “I don’t really know what I’m trying to say, Merlin. Except… I’m glad you’re here?”

Maybe Merlin has conveyed what he couldn’t put into words through his eyes after all…

/

And then Arthur stands up, and his voice is back to his usual, assured tone.

“Now. One problem at a time, right? About the concil tomorrow…”

And Merlin listens, you bet.

.

So yep, yet another 'I’m glad you’re here’ (MY HEART). And spoons just had to be involved, indeed (I’m weak, blame 5.03)

.

XI. DESTINIES ARE TROUBLESOME THINGS (MERLIN POV)

Merlin can’t help but be on his guard. He has no idea, he realizes as he enters Kilgarrah’s cave after having successfully put to sleep the guards in front of it (after a shortened dinner with Uther and Morgana), about how the Great Dragon will react to a stranger’s presence in his lair.

But Merlin needs some guidance; and so, he calls out to him…

/

“Young warlock, what has happened to you?”

“You know it’s me?”

“Of course. Even though I am surprised indeed by your current appearance.”

“Arthur and I- Our bodies have been switched.”

The Great Dragon straightens up.

“So this is Uther’s heir’s body?”

“Yes. And I need - we need - help. Do you have any idea about how to reverse such a spell?”

“I do not have such knowledge. I can only tell you what you already know; that there is some very powerful magic at work here. (pause, tilting his head) But maybe you are not supposed to reverse it to start with.”

“Excuse me?”

“You are now *literally* two sides of a coin - both at once in the same body. Maybe this was the intent of the prophecy all along.”

(helpless, shocked sigh) “No.”

Merlin cannot believe his ears. But the idea is not only incongruous; it’s also outright enraging, and simply *impossible*.

“No”, Merlin repeats, firmly this time; a denial.

“You would throw away the opportunity to fulfill your destiny? You would carelessly discard the chance to bring forth the greatest time for Albion?”

Merlin doesn’t even flinch under the Dragon’s ire. *Arthur* is his destiny; and only Arthur. Albion’s welfare is in Arthur’s hands. And Arthur *will* be its greatest King; not Merlin. The notion only makes him sick. It’s not even about a possible guilt at cheating Arthur’s crown (which he doesn’t want to start with). It’s simply that Merlin wants - needs, and will not (and never) accept anything less - Arthur to be Arthur, intrinsically. Besides, Merlin knows the burden of pretending already; and he wouldn’t wish for anyone, and certainly not for Arthur, to have to shoulder it too. How can Kilgarrah not realise any of it?

“This just cannot be the way. It only feels wrong.”

“You should at least think about it, Merlin.”

“It is all decided. I cannot and will not abide to the belief that this masquerade could ever be our true fate. And if you don’t - can’t or won’t - help, we’ll look for a solution on our own - no matter how long it might take.”

They hold each other’s gaze; and Merlin won’t relent.

“I can only hope you will not come to regret your choice, young warlock”, Kilgarrah finally says as he flies away.

/

Merlin is still fuming as he enters Arthur’s chambers.

His fingers itch, longing to search through his spells book. He hasn’t had yet the opportunity - between being a Prince taking most of his day, and Arthur being at his side when he had been off duty. Unfortunately, it will have to wait until tomorrow - it would look suspicious if he went out in the night.

So. He should rest. After all, a clear mind will be necessary in the morning, both for council and for finding a way to break the spell they’re under, right?

Only looking at the bed though makes Merlin’s entrails twitch in disgust. This is wrong indeed; and will never feel otherwise. And no matter how comfortable that bed is, Merlin now knows (he might grow understanding of Arthur’s lack of will to leave it on some mornings from now on, huh), you bet he will never even contemplate sleeping in it.

Merlin makes his bed for the night on the floor, wondering if Arthur has been able to fall asleep yet.

.

Bear with me. The Dragonlord bond is an intrinsic link between souls, which is why it isn’t affected by the body swap. Whereas magic inhabits everything it’s in, and is therefore by nature anchored in physicallity. It explains too somehow why magic in general can be learned/found, but that the Dragonlord bond can only be inherited. Oh well, it makes sense in my head, at least…

Also :( I’ve really hurt myself with Kilgarrah’s last line :( Because of course Merlin *will* wonder about this, *for centuries*, later on (my heart:(). Anyone willing to hold me while I cry, pretty please?

.

XII. SOMETIMES, YOU PUZZLE ME (ARTHUR POV)

“Sire, you should rest.”

“Just a little bit longer, Gaius. Until the candles are out.”

“As you wish.”

A respectful bow; then Gaius is on his way to Merlin’s room, giving Arthur space and quiet - and only when the door closes does Arthur realize that he just kicked an old man out of his own bed?

Well, let it be worth it then, right! Arthur closes his eyes, breathing deeply, trying to connect with the magic inside. He actually feels it, now that he knows what to search for. He has no idea still though about how to have it work, apparently…

He can’t help but wonder briefly if Merlin has been able to fall asleep yet, before concentrating again on that damn water…

/

Arthur awakes, wincing, still at the table. Gaius has left bread and jam out for him, and he hastily eats before running out to help Merlin prepare (both physically and mentally) for concil. It is still earlier than he thought it was it seems, luckily. The kitcheners have just begun their work; Gaius does prefer to pick herbs in the early morning indeed. Arthur takes some bread and jam for Merlin, as little else is ready yet, and makes for his chambers.

When he gets in, Merlin is putting his clothes on. He is nearly finished; only the tunic and the coat are still laid out on the already made bed. Arthur approaches to help him with fastening the ties, and so notices the spread-out covers and pillows on the floor behind the bed.

“Merlin? Did you actually sleep on the floor?”

“Well, that bed of yours is way too soft”, Merlin retorts (even though Arthur DID see him getting out of said bed just the morning before: it hadn’t been too soft apparently, when Merlin hadn’t known it was Arthur’s, huh…), trying to cover his embarassment before walking out, heading for the stream. And Arthur has no choice but to follow, shaking his head while wondering if there would ever come a day when Merlin would stop astonish him…

/

After having left Merlin at the concil’s door, Arthur gets back to his bowls and water.

He has no progress to show though still when Merlin comes in and gives him a very detailed summary of what has been discussed. Arthur is thankful - even though he hasn’t doubted Merlin’s capacities (Merlin acting like an idiot or being clueless about etiquette doesn’t mean Merlin isn’t clever, indeed).

Then Merlin takes up the spoons, and helps Arthur train more actively about his magic again. They are both pleased to discover that Arthur is now able to divert about a third of the projectiles.

“Why am I getting better with the spoons and not making any progress with the water?”, Arthur wonders aloud.

“I am certain you will figure it out, Sire”, Merlin only has time to pledge as Gaius walks in, holding out a book and placing it on the table - which definitely ends the spoons training as Arthur and Merlin come to gather around it.

Gaius and Merlin seem to be waiting for his cue, so Arthur is the one to open the book, feeling both hopeful (this book might contains the answer to their predicament!) and worried (what if this book is simply full of evil?).

Arthur starts to read silently, both cautious about eventual passers-by overhearing and unwilling to invoke any probable further disaster on themselves by reading what could be spells aloud, a finger tracing along the opening line.

“Magic is potential, and possibilities. Its use is a choice, and a responsability”, Merlin whispers, echoing what Arthur is reading.

Arthur is stunned, and can’t help but blurt out in disbelief, turning his attention on Merlin:

“You know how to read?”

Merlin only shrugs.

“Sure I do. My mother taught me, along with the other kids from Ealdor. You know, the fact that it surprises you that a peasant can read probably says more about Camelot’s rampant illiteracy than about me?”

And Arthur can only admit it’s true:

“You’re right. We should probably ask Geoffrey to organize something about it.”

Then Arthur points at the book:

“But of course you may read along; it concerns you too. It might be safer though not to read aloud, you know…” (gesturing around, waving a hand)

“I can do that too”, Merlin assures.

So Arthur sits down on the bench, motioning for Merlin to do the same next to him. Gaius sits on the opposite bench - ready to give advice or help if needed; or ensuring they do not damage the book before it gets returned to the vaults?

They read further in silence, two pairs of eyes following the path of Arthur’s finger.

Arthur quickly realizes though that the first part of the book focuses on magical creatures, and skips through it - it might be handy, but it’s not what they need at the moment (he can’t refrain from briefly pausing though passing by the unicorns page)…

Then they reach the spells section, and Arthur turns tense.

And rightly.

When he understands what the first spell is about, he can’t help but shout out, pushing the book away:

“This is what Valiant did! How can we trust this book of tricks?” - this is nothing but evil indeed.

.

Of course Merlin just HAD to read that opening line aloud while in Arthur’s presence, huh…

.

XIII. PROGRESS (ALTERNATE MERLIN/ARTHUR POV)

“This is what Valiant did! How can we trust this book of tricks?”

There is fire in Arthur’s eyes - an anger at Valiant’s deeds that Merlin doesn’t wish to see grow blinding. Gaius gives Merlin a look, and Merlin understands that Gaius wants to be the one explaining - to protect him, surely. Merlin signals ‘no’; but Gaius is speaking anyway before Merlin has even opened his mouth.

“Sire, Valiant’s actions were definitely condemnable indeed; but the book is not to blame. It simply explains how to animate figures - it doesn’t tell *why* the spell should be used; that intent is entirely the responsability of the one using the spell. So yes, Valiant used such a spell to kill; but such a spell can be used to save or help too; can be useful and good.”

Arthur doesn’t seem convinced at all, judging by the growling tone in his voice:

“How could such a spell ever be used for good?”

Let’s say you need to animate snakes out of a shield at your will to confound an evil man and save a noble one; Merlin thinks but does not say, pleading Gaius to let him deal further with Arthur’s ire. Merlin has often pondered of course, even if with little success, about the best way to explain it all to Arthur. But he realizes, suddenly, that using Arthur’s own words and opinions might be the most helpful in that regard.

“Remember what you told me, Sire; about Will? So. Having magic is *not* having a weapon. It’s simply having *a tool*. You can use an axe to build a shelter or to break down a door - and even then, you might only be breaking that door to save blocked-in people from fire. You can use a shovel to plant an apple tree or to dig a grave - and even then, it might be out of respect and love, in another culture. The axe or the shovel have nothing to say about why they are used for. In the end, maybe, the only thing magic actually reveals is what’s truly in one’s heart.”

This approach works better, apparently. Palpable facts he experienced himself weigh more than rethorical theories in Arthur’s thoughts process. Arthur tilts his head, actually considering now, instead of refusing it all at once.

“So. This spell? Let’s say you badly injure yourself while alone and away, and you conjure a horse to carry you back home quickly enough to be saved? Let’s say a child is crying and you create a butterfly or something, to bring up a smile?”

“A butterfly, Merlin?”

Arthur looks incredulous but sounds, if anything, teasing - which Merlin interprets as a sign of progress, a smile growing on his face. He only shrugs though, playing along.

“What’s wrong with a butterfly?”

“Nothing, I guess, indeed. Let’s go on then.”

They read further for about an hour, Gaius preparing potions behind them. Arthur never shouts out again, but expectantly looks at Merlin on the few occasions he apparently feels like he might maybe be missing the whole picture. And Merlin just goes with it; the surprised yet somehow satisfied glow in Arthur’s eyes each time in some way worth the risk of possibly divulging too much…

Until dinner time comes, and Merlin has to go. He takes his leave, telling Arthur he should read on. Arthur’s answer leaves him breathless.

“I’d probably see things only one way on my own; who knows what I’ll miss… I’d rather bring the book to my chambers while you eat, and you can read further later. Besides, I should work on my water, you know… Be ready for it, in case you find something.”

Merlin can only nod, speechless from Arthur’s obvious trust.

As he opens the door, Arthur surprises him yet again, talking to his back: “And just so you know, I wouldn’t put you in the stocks for sleeping in my bed while you’re, well, me. What would the guards think if they saw me sleeping on the ground? ”

The tone is more gentle than gloating, and Merlin feels warmed up as he realizes Arthur is being simply honest. It doesn’t change his view on the matter though.

“I told you, Sire; I do not find your bed comfortable to start with.”

He doesn’t dare to look at Arthur as he walks out.

/

Gaius has proposed to bring the book to his chambers. He said he had to bring Morgana her sleeping draught anyway; but Arthur couldn’t help but sense that there was more to it - maybe he’d rather not have 'Merlin’ seen with such a book, maybe Geoffrey has made him sworn an oath to never let it out of his sight… Anyway, Arthur doesn’t have it in his heart to deny Gaius the demand.

Once alone, Arthur sits again in front of his two bowls. He closes his eyes, reaching *inside*.

It’s a tool. He tells himself when he senses the flow. Not a weapon.

There had been something in the way Merlin had talked. It had sometimes felt more like mentioning actual events than thinking aloud (Had Will ever performed any of the spells they read about?); especially - even though surprisingly - about…

It’s harmless. Merlin says it can be used to make butterflies.

Arthur takes a deep breath; focuses - visualizing in his head what he wishes to achieve.

When Arthur opens his eyes, the water has switched bowl.

Arthur blinks.

Then a loud “Yes” echoes in the room.

.

Arthur makes several times the water switch from bowl; then the books on the shelves from order (size, alphabetical, themes (as it was originally)) - he doesn’t dare mess with Gaius’s ingredients though, of course. At some point, he eyes the chamberpot and tests it too, like Merlin had mentioned they could once Arthur would have gotten how to. And indeed, it works too! Arthur can’t help but feel proud, trying to imagine the look on Merlin’s face come morning…

Then Arthur realizes maybe they do not have to be under the spell to start with any longer! What if he can just wish it away? Sadly, though, it doesn’t work; no matter how much nor how hard Arthur tries. Feeling a bit defeated now, even though he knows he definitely booked progress, Arthur decides he should go to sleep. With any luck, he might need all his energy tomorrow, if tonight turns out to be as fortunate for Merlin as it has been to him…

Gaius hasn’t come back yet - he probably stayed with Merlin to study the book; after all, as Court Physician, no one would question how long he stayed by his injured Prince… Arthur opens the door to Merlin’s bedroom - he doesn’t intend to keep Gaius out of his own bed tonight too…

/

As soon as possible, Merlin excuses himself from Uther’s and Morgana’s company to get to his book.

Since Gaius has given it to him, he hasn’t really had time to study it - mostly, he’s called forth through his magic the necessary spell or information when he needed any. He hopes though that the book will help them again, as it has in the past, and that he will find something useful in the over two thirds of the spells section he hasn’t read yet…

It’s late into the night when Merlin’s heart skip a beat. A spell-breaking spell? This might work, right! After all, one doesn’t have to reverse a spell to have it undone! Merlin rereads the pages again, and wishes the morning to hurry in order to show his finding to Arthur and Gaius.

.

Arthur saw magic as a weapon, of course. Which was sort of getting in the way of having his magic work for more than blocking the spoons attacks, because he felt still somehow that he *shouldn’t* use it, no matter the need to use it to fix their problem. But now that Merlin has had him understand, at least for a while, that it isn’t by definition a weapon, Arthur somehow feels like it is all right to use it. Which is why it works this time? It makes sense in my head, at least?

And imo Merlin wound’t link magic to a weapon both because he wants to unmake that precise link existing already in Arthur’s mind; but mostly because, well, he doesn’t see it that way - HE USES IT TO MAKE BUTTERFLIES, RIGHT (and I love him for it, HUGE sigh…)

.

XIV. THE SPELL (ARTHUR POV)

Arthur reads the pages Merlin just put under his nose with the utmost attention. A spell to break any spell? That sounds promising indeed!

Arthur can’t help but worry though, as he realizes that the primary condition for the spell to work is that the enchanted person(s) has to be truly, entirely, honestly willing to see the spell lifted for it to work (AN: which explains why Merlin cannot use that spell later on whenever Arthur is bewitched by the way…). And it is not about Merlin (positively-glowing-from-hope-right-now Merlin, sleeping-on-the-floor Merlin) Arthur has doubts about; it is about himself.

The truth, Arthur realizes with a shock, is that he likes it now, somehow - having magic!? Since Merlin told he saw it as a tool - not a weapon; and since Arthur has been proven that he could master his new abilities? Arthur has started considering apparently, at the back of his head, how it could turn out handy, how it could turn out good, for his people? What if he could multiply crops on bad years, ensuring no one would starve that winter? What if he could protect the borders, ensuring no one with ill intent could pass? *What if he could*- And that? That is the most dangerous, treacherous thought Arthur could ever have. Not only because it would be ill advised to rely on something that might disappear just as quickly as it has appeared to start with, but because the fact that he feels *tempted* to use it at all might be a signal of its luring, corrupting qualities. Who knows what he might get tempted to use it for, in time? Will there even come a limit? And that is what frightens Arthur the most - to succumb to its call. It would start with a genuine heart, but who could know how so much power might ever alter his first intentions?

So. No; indeed. He mustn’t entertain those thoughts. He should use magic to fix their current situation, and he will, simply because it is the only way to fix it to start it; but it would be for the best if it just disappeared along with it the moment their problem is solved. Besides, he owes it to Merlin, right. Because what if the magic stayed in Merlin’s body, instead of staying with his mind after they get back into their own bodies anyway? He would never wish to see such a risk, and a burden, on Merlin’s shoulders - particularly as he would know he would be responsible for it…

Arthur takes a deep breath, letting go of what could be, to focus on wishing for what must be.

/

The preparations are quite quick - Gaius already has everything they need in stock. It’s merely a mix of relaxing herbs, Merlin says as he aligns several pots of herbs in front of Arthur, that Arthur will have to crush into his hands. If anything, it smells nice, Arthur can’t help but notice with satisfaction. Somehow, the fact that it isn’t nauseous makes it feel not-evil.

The incantation is more tricky. It’s about six lines of text Arthur has to memorize and chant; and most of the words Arthur has never heard, so… Again, why can’t he simply wish for the spell to disappear - like with the water? Merlin explains that Arthur has to make the words his own while focusing on what he wishes - because it’s not only about working his own magic but also about lifting their attacker’s magic control on their bodies (even though it’s all a bit unclear whether the words of the spell are actually what makes it happens, or if they only help him achieve a certain level of inner focus that makes it happens - but Merlin might not know everything anyway, and whatever the reason, Arthur just HAS to master the incantation then anyway.)

It doesn’t seem to work, though. Hours later, and still nothing has changed; no matter how often Arthur has recited the spell nor the amount of herbs he has crushed into his hands. It’s not only frustrating and disheartening - it’s simply infuriating: Merlin and him were both so hopeful this might be it!

“It will work. *You* will make it work, Sire,” Merlin swears, voice steady, clear eyes unwavering, each time Arthur starts again.

Arthur closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and tries again. He owes it to Merlin’s faith in him to keep trying.

/

And then, suddenly, it’s done. Arthur has no idea what finally did it but he knows it’s done: he hears HIS voice chanting as Merlin gasps. And when Arthur opens his eyes, he sees Merlin, and not his own body. And the crazy thing? For a split second, it feels weird.

“This is real, right?” Arthur can’t help but ask, still in disbelief.

“I told you you’ll do it,” Merlin answers, beaming at him - proud of him, even.

They exchange a winning grin. Then Arthur howls.

/

The surge of victory and relief ends quickly though, replaced by crushing worry.

“Do you feel any different, Merlin?”, Arthur has to ask, as he doesn’t feel any warm tingling when searching inward. He is relieved to feel free from it; but not if the cost is that Merlin is tied to it now.

Merlin blanches, most probably from realizing the danger he could be in, and doesn’t answer right away - which is good, because it means that Merlin is actually doing an internal thorough check; but the silence is simply excruciating.

“Please tell me it’s gone,” Arthur can’t help but whisper, as if speaking the words could make it truth, even knowing he’s lost any ability to make it so.

#merlin #merthur #bbcmerlin #bbc merlin #merthur fic #merlin fic #my own two spells #the body swap #the once and future fic #text #fic #fanfic #complete