#hopefully i'll feel better tomorrow so i can actually get shit done | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jimmycartersufo · 22 days

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this is me having the Tuesday foh museum employee version of Sunday scaries. I love using tumblr as a sort of diary right now especially when writing my hand causes pain!

the last two weeks of work have been especially rough and this week I have some tough stuff to get through that I'm nervous about but it'll be OK. I just struggled with the unknown. time always moves too quickly this time of year and I'm desperate to hold on to my days off because I am so burnt out. the problem is when you're in between those biweekly checks and you're broke as hell but also it's been pouring down rain. I can't help but feel bad and guilty when I do nothing. I didn't do just nothing, I took care of my mom today and I've rested a lot but it still feels weird and bad.

I'm almost back to being in the green for my sick time. I used up all my sick time and my boss had payroll give me negative sick time which was a life saver. I miss my boss so much. everything has gone to shit without her. but she deserves so much better. clearly. anyway, in a couple weeks I'll start to see actual sick time build up again. and on July 1 I'll get more pto 🤡 but thankfully at least Juneteenth falls on a Wednesday so we will have a three day weekend. The museum won't pay it's workers more or respect their security dept (which is historically and systematically Black) but they will do land acknowledgements if they happen to put up a work by a Native person (aka no permanent land acknowledgement lol) and they'll give us Juneteenth off with pay. oh and back of house gets more pto than foh but I'm not here to list alllllll of my complaints rn. but we as a team are counting down the days so we can have a three day weekend. like yeah holiday pay on a day we already have off (every gov holiday that falls on a Monday) but would rather have a floating holiday for more pto. abyway I should hopefully have some sick time built up in a couple months to take a day off for rest.

falling behind on chores again. desp need to spring clean dust because ofc I have to be a maximalist autistic. still need to wash my beach combing finds from a few weeks ago. still need to hang stuff up. the most I can do is pick up a little. do a load of laundry but share the labor with my husband because we don't have the capacity for either or alone. do dishes maybe. make breakfast, lunch, and John makes dinner. take care of mom which is hard sometimes but more than anythjng it has to be done and I can trick my brain into not being an asshole about it. make the bed but in a more "lazy" way. take care of myself and stick to my barely there routine. medicine with alarms, brush teeth, set out the clothes I want to wear at least a day ahead but two days if possible. shower when it's been too long. lotion on my face and my arms and my legs if I can tolerate it. drink water. try and keep my salt levels up. stretches even if it's in bed. my daily puzzles. learn something new (read an article and or a wiki page).

at least tomorrow we get paid. I have to save money for when we go to an Orioles game soon. need to figure out when and how and where we are viewing the eclipse. grocery shopping. taking care of mom if dad is working late/in traffic. look over what bills are do this check. thankfully we get paid I think three times this month? JK it's may we get three paychecks but thankfully I get paid the week of my mom's birthday!!!!!!

I work on late shift this month. bad because no extra money but good because I am so fucking exhausted. I'm basically a sorta manager without all the manager roles and Def not the pay. but that's basically what I am now. thinking about it makes me sick. I goofed up somewhere to end up here with this responsibility. but also it was happenstance. I understand that. and that I have been masking so well for so long.

it's autism awareness day. I am autistic. I am finally feeling right with that. it's been over a year now, and I've spent that time reflecting on my life and the way I am. I was lucky that my sister has been in programs and I basically knew a guy that knew a guy that knew a guy. but I don't have like, a therapist or anthring to guide me through the realities of hey you're autistic and this is why you think and do xyz. I wish I listened to autistic friends years ago that said hey you're autistic and I was like no not me, I don't do this thing but the thing is a lot of those things I didn't think I did I literally did not understand the questioning which is funny. I can't really think of a good example but like you read a question like do you struggle to make eye contact and irs like yes but only in certain circumstances like when I don't know someone but you don't have the way to answer with nuances so you just say no. not the best example but it's like that. what's so interesting about being diagnosed late is you start to kind a breakdown the safety nets of masking and then it seems like you're faking because you're doing all this stuff not in private anymore, like you're regressing or something and it's like no I was just playing a role.

today for dinner I had chicken nuggets and heinz pickle ketchup and we watched a video about being in wdw on 9/11 and I was like oh

rigut now I'm trying to follow my night routine but I'm so anxious to sleep. I did sleep in really late today after sleeping poorly and then getting up to take care of mom in the morning. I woke up just before noon after going back to bed about nine???? so I'm not very tired. I'm going to go figure out my lunch for tomorrow so I don't worry about it in the am and then I'm going to check the laundry and if it's dry enough get my favorite pair of undies (tomboyx boy shorts) and my favorite pants (green!!) and find a top and then make the bed comfy and then I'm gonna use my new neck massager even though I've probably used it too much today and I hope to find a nice wiki article to read :)))))))

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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12/8/22

Today was tricky. I don't have good words for it honestly.

I woke up late, meaning I slept in and caught up on sleep. Not gonna beat myself up over that, not healthy. I called the vet, they wouldn't prescribe the sedative for my cat until after my first visit... and my first visit was supposed to be a blood draw... but they were actually super nice about it and worked with me. I should get a call from my old vet tomorrow about this, hopefully they can call in a prescription, otherwise I'll have to bring her in for a routine visit and then do the blood draw at a different date. Either way, I'll get it worked out.

It was just a bit emotionally difficult because Max actually puked this morning. Not sure why, I'm afraid it's because she was really hungry because I was late feeding her, because I slept in. But I'm not a doctor. I just told myself that reasoning to protect myself from thinking about her potentially being sick. She looks fine and healthy, just... cats don't normally vomit, not like dogs. So yeah. That was a difficult start to the day. I'll mention it on my appointment.

I got one of my dumb chores out of the way - putting a label in my mailbox so that they know who lives here now. It was really easy and I got it done quick, while strolling through the hallways in a wife-beater, barefoot, smelling like exotic essential oils, eating an apple, in fucking mid-December. Because I'm totally a normal human being like all of you, I promise.

After that, I learned how to tune my djembe. I have never taken the time to do that, and that poor thing is ancient and has like... been out in the rain and left in cars and shit, I'm shocked it's in as good condition as it is. I tightened the skin a bit and I think it sounds better, I just don't really feel comfortable playing it to test it, I'm still nervous about upsetting neighbors.

This was my lead-in to working on a musical arrangement. I was really inspired to do an acoustic cover of an After the Burial song. I love their rhythmic grooves and I think they'd translate over to acoustic hand-drums pretty well. At least I hope, only way to tell is to try. I put a few hours into arrangement, splitting the drums into djembe, taiko and etc cymbals (still haven't gotten that figured out fully). Then arranged it for 2 acoustic guitars in Open C# and a bass. So... if all goes according to plan... I should be able to cover this myself, even if I have to do electric drums.

I got a decent chunk done, then I had to do my therapy appointment. And it was regrettably the first bad therapy appointment I've had with this guy. Not to his fault, he's great and he meant well the entire time. He was overwhelmed, and was very upfront about it. We got onto a topic that was difficult for me (but that I had brought up several days ago after the giant fight with my parents): work and money. It triggered me. And I didn't express it out loud. I just rode the wave, I guess. Tried to navigate the emotional rapids. I started tearing up like halfway through, which is like... really embarrassing to be a grown man who starts crying because he's afraid he's just not competent or well-equipped enough for another form of work other than what he currently does. Like... I'm sorry, I have years of experience here. I have been rejected for every single application I've put in, and most of them because I'm too creative, too emotionally in-touch or too overqualified. Ambition Snowskates (a dream job), a writing job for a company where they review places that you can bring your pets, an animal shelter, the list goes on and on.

Really what gets me is like... I go to people in social services, right? The sector of social work that focuses on helping people get the resources they need to make their life functional. At least, that's my understanding. I've gone to therapists, I've gone to life coaches, I've gone to vocational rehabilitation. All with a very clear vision of what I want to do. It's a very broad range of things I want to do - music, art, poetry, video, animation, podcasts, crafts, whatever creatively inspires me - but it's very clear that I want to have an environment where I am free to strike when the inspiration iron is hot. All I need help with is figuring out how to translate this into money. Because I do not care. Money fucking bores me, it stresses me out, it gets in the way, it's a barrier, not a goal for me. Not only does money not motivate me, it actually immobilizes me. It makes me freak out, it emotionally overwhelms me, which obfuscates my creative focus and puts me in a state where I actually have to take time away from work to recover. It's really detrimental. And my life has really been fucked because of this cycle. I think about money, and I freak out and get emotionally overwhelmed, then I get in a stupid fight about how I'm not making enough money, then I have to take time to emotionally recover, then I open my eyes and a week and a half have gone by and I've done no work, I'm not streaming anymore, the dishes are stacked up chest-high in the kitchen and my beard is 2 feet long. That last part is an exaggeration but you get my point.

No one has been able to help with this. And it's so goddamn hard for me to articulate why this is even a problem, or how it is, or like... how profoundly crippling it's been. But like... the worst part... I feel like I'm just whining. And they wouldn't say it to my face, but I guarantee a lot of people I've talked to about this want to say "wow, don't be so dramatic, just go get a fucking job." Like I'm making excuses to get out of my civic duty of being a laborer for someone else's company. Well, here's my chance to vent, so buckle up. Why the fuck do I want to be a laborer for someone else's company if that same person would not, under any circumstances, support my business even as a customer? Why do I owe it to someone else who decided to open a restaurant or something, who happened to have a social support system that actually believed in them... just because I was not so lucky. Because I have been surrounded by self-absorbed narcissists who don't give half a shit about my health or success, only what they can get out of me. Who just want free shit, or to show off, or to share their music that they like, or to get affirmations or compliments or reassurance, or to just have someone actually listen to them.

See, once I start pulling this money/work thread, I just start unravelling, it's just stitched into every fucking problem in my life. So I started emotionally breaking down during the session. He tried to help, he really did. He referred me to local art resources, pulled up the website and everything and I thanked him like he was on the fucking RMS Carpathia. I like... I know it's not in his job description. So... I just encouraged him to like... help me develop strategies to combat social anxiety so I'd be a little more confident and okay meeting people in my field.

I feel like I have the portfolio of someone fresh out of college or something. I'm 36. I've been working in multimedia art for over 15 years. I feel myself rabbit-holing, I don't need to do this. This, right here, this thought chain... this is impostor syndrome. So, this is me course correcting. I have a lot of diverse artistic talents, and a lot of knowledge from many, many diverse disciplines. Geology, mythology, ancient history, spirituality, music theory, illustration, painting, sculpture, animation, the list goes on and on. Because I have so many diverse influences and such a broad net of creative knowledge, it can make each specific part look... underdeveloped. Like... if I spent the past 15 years just playing guitar. 4 hours a day, every day, for 15 years. I'd be a phenomenal guitarist. But I spread that time out into different things. So that's why I feel like I don't have as much to show for it as others. But I need to remind myself that my diversity and perspective is my strength. It's what makes me unique, as a multimedia artist. But all of this can be hard to like... let someone know within the first 5 minutes of meeting them, and a lot of people want the TL;DR - and there really isn't one.

I've talked about this before and I honestly don't want to relive it right now. The big take-away here is that... I was so caught up in the emotional fog of this... that I didn't let him know that I had uncovered this ghost from my past. That I had unearthed my long-buried diagnosis with ADHD. Which I'm sure anyone who even glances at my MASSIVE several page journal entries would probably go "yeah dude, no shit you have ADHD", but in my eyes, it's still hard to fully process. And again, I still feel like an impostor. I still feel like I'm "tricking myself" into thinking I have ADHD, and I'm sorta like... method acting it. So frustrating.

So... I'm going to send him a message after this to clarify and pass that insight along, which may help him come up with some tools catered to helping someone with unmanaged ADHD regulate. It's a lot of the same tools as anxiety, from my understanding. Meditation, grounding, emotional regulation, but maybe brainstorming more executive functioning stuff. I've been coming up with some crafty life hacks that have been working pretty well, but I'd love to hear a professional's take on it, assuming he's well versed at all. Oh, also, probably a good tell that I have ADHD is that we go overtime like every fucking session because I'm talking the entire goddamn time and feeding him with that energy, and I have like zero perception of time, and he lets me lead. Might have something to do with it! XD

So yeah, after the meeting... I was super upset. Like... really emotional. And I called my mom, and warned her upfront that I was very emotional and it would be helpful if she could help process. She was very kind and did, and we talked about work stuff and she was very encouraging. She was very excited to see the piece I made for my sister-in-law, and to see the write-up I did with it too, telling that individual piece's story, and the science behind how smoky quartz gets smoky colored. I brainstormed doing videos documenting the process of my pieces - in short and long form, short for YouTube, long for Patreon - from finding sticks and stones in the woods to the final product, with me narrating the process and talking about all of the historic, geological, whatever context that goes behind it. To really show how fucking important these pieces are to me, how special they are. And to show my fascination, my obsession, my passion about all of the amazing things behind this.

The story that resonated with my mom was one I told her about a TEDx talk I watched the other day about one of the oldest ceremonial gravesites found in the world, it was like 35,000 years old. And they found like 4,000 carved mammoth tusk beads in there with the dude. And someone actually went through the process of recreating these beads from authentic mammoth ivory just to see how long it would take a skilled individual to make them, and it took him an hour each using primitive tools. Think about that. These were people who like... we don't even know if they had spoken language yet. And they sunk at least 4,000 hours into carving beads that were going to be buried in the ground. Like... That's absolutely fascinating to me. And it speaks to me about the power of making something for the sake of it being... precious. Valued. Sacred. None of these words seem right, and Holy seems really pompous... Special? I don't know, I can't find the right word. There is something so viscerally powerful to me about picking up a stick, carving it with unique designs (even if they aren't referentially meaningful, that's a bonus, honestly), and then... it's no longer "stick". It's "your stick". It's something engrained into our DNA at a primal level. It's something we have been doing for millennia before we were even painting on the walls of caves! And I am blessed to have the freedom to explore this.

Now, take someone who has the passion you just heard, the commitment to learn thousands of different techniques, the resiliency to fuck up a piece that I've sunk hundreds of hours into and to get back up and try again... and put that guy in a car delivering DoorDash for half the day instead of working on this stuff. Tell me that makes sense. Give me a reason that justifies that. Like... I should be teaching college-level classes. And the reason I need to put my time into "a job" to "make money"? So that I can pay my bills. So that I don't die. Not to better my future. Not to utilize my trained skills. So that I don't get evicted, and so that I have food in my cupboard. Call me melodramatic, but this seems like an egregious failing of social structure.

So... I'm gonna keep working on my art. I'm gonna try to get over my shit and post pictures on Instagram. And, most importantly (I think), I'm going to shop around for a mentor. I need to find an artist like me, a multimedia artist. I'm cool being an assistant or whatever. I just need someone connected to show me the ropes and help me find my place. That's really it, I think. I'm nervous, but I think it's excited nerves. Who cares if I fuck up somehow and embarrass myself, at least I tried, and I can try again.

I need to give Max her meds and my hand is actually sore from furiously typing this with no breaks. I need to go.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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drtanner · 1 year

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TANNER’S PROGRESS REPORT: NOVEMBER 23RD 2022 (WED)

The character bio art for the Farewenden Patreon is done! And I made a start on the written portion of the bio, so hopefully I can get that finished tomorrow. Then there's just the loredump to do and we will be ready for December 1st!

I also had my GIC appointment and with a bit of luck I'll be changing to nebido in a week or two, however long it takes my specialist to get in touch with my GP and inform her of the switch. I sincerely hope it suits me better than the sustanon because I'm fucking sick of feeling like this, lmao. Between that and my starting on the guanfacine soon we've got a lot of new shit to try and it would be nice if, just this one fucking time, we found something that actually worked and fixes my stupid fucking body. I would very much like to someday be at least somewhat functional! Maybe someday soon!

I already know I'm not going to sleep tonight but, god. Whatever, lol.

#Tanner's Progress Report

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365-betterdays · 2 years

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aug 31, 2022 7:24pm

i'm tired cos i've done a lot this week !! let's assess how things have been!

we're finally done with some exams last and this week whoopie congrats me!! ^^ i actually had mid scores (which is BIG for me honestly!) i passed, so that's amazing! next week we'll have more so yeah.

i may or may not be getting a tutor. that's new to me. do i feel like it'll help? yes. will it be a really good advantage and possibly a turning point of being "mid" to excellent? definitely. we'll see!! it def depends. i can manage now but i also want to ace 'em tests!

i talked to a couple of my classmates and hanged out w them a bit more, it's nice to have em around. i got to know them a bit better this week, than i've known them the past weeks. they're all super kind! my heart feels happy :)

they've invited us to drink this weekend so woahhh!! IDK IF THIS IS A GOOD THING COS I REALLY SAID I WOULD NEVER TOUCH ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE AGAIN!! but then again, i'm still..only.. just 18. i think that's too young to be saying "no" esp that i haven't drank with people i can actually call my friends now D:

i've told someone already about my past illness so yeah. that sucks, but also, i'm proud that i'm now comfy and content enough that i can tell people about it!! and that i'm okay now, no lies included ofc

WE ACED THE FREAKIN BUWAN NG WIKA SHIT!! BROOO legit like i didn't expect us to do so well. gerah and the rest of the choreographers did great teaching us given the limited time we had <3

tomorrow i'll be joining the sack race thing. bro. i will for sure die. but it'll also be fun so tangina bahala na HAHAHAHA

i found some peeps as weird as me (heart is happy)

i finally- FINALLY- got to cabuyao for the first time in like forever. i spent a lot more money than i should have bc nag gala aq pero tangina, worth it yung peace of mind. i'm ready to let all of it goo :)

i noticed that most of my panic attacks & sadness is really bc i think too much- parang when i don't think, that's when i'm the happiest talaga. ig i should just go with the flow and think parin but not too much lang talaga.

i am skinnier now. pero kulang pa talaga!! hay!!! i lost 15kg pero i need 20 moree!! manifesting!! i will workout within the weekend (hopefully) i'll let the week days pass muna cos i still have sum physical activities to attend to *mixed emotions*

slr, wow akala mo may kachat HAHAHA i walk like a lot more na!! april to december 2020 > 427 steps. aug to december 2021 > 1,127 steps. jan to june 2022 > 1,097 steps. july to august > 2,044 steps. PROGRESS BITCH!!

me, rus, thalia and jen ran into the rain today. talk abt feeling ALIVE DHFGKDSFJDJKFW I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY MAKE ME HAPPY

i still have to review for exams next week so yeah!! BUT I GOT THIS DONT WORRY!!! aaa pwede nga pala me magpuyat today cos duh 12pm pasok hehehe yay!!

well, that's pretty much all i can say for now. i have a lot honestly but i got lazy na hehe, days have been good! god IS GOOD! thank u, G!

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whiskeyandwolfsbane · 2 years

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7/28 - 9:42PM - The Night Before Surgery

So everyone probably knows by now that I'm getting surgery tomorrow. That's why this blog exists now, lol; I've had a few people ask for updates periodically and I thought, you know, I struggle to message more than two people back a day as it is, maybe I'd better find a place where I can just put it all at once.

All I could think of was a blog so here we are.

I'm supposed to be up at 4:30AM so I really should be sleeping but I still have stuff to do and anyway, I'll be sleeping like the dead for a solid four to five hours tomorrow anyhow so like... eh.

How am I feeling? Excited, sure, but mostly I'm just nervous and anxious. It's not a surprise, I stress out about everything ever, the joys of having generalised anxiety disorder. Will the results turn out okay? Will the surgery itself go okay? Will I get there on time? What if I screw something up? What if I forget something I'm supposed to bring tomorrow? And on.

I'm trying to just remind myself that what happens, happens. I've done everything I'm able to do so what good is it to just sit here freaking out? None.

Anyway. Here's the gist of what's going on tomorrow, I guess:

I have to check in by 6AM, so I'm waking up at 4:30AM so that I have enough time to shower and everything. Hopefully, departure time will be about 5AM. (Many thanks to my friend Lucy who is visiting, and also being my chauffeur for this venture.)

We have to go to Bellevue, which is why the departure is so early; it's a 40 minute drive usually, and according to my mother, that timeframe has traffic typically because of everyone heading off to work so.

Then, it's likely I'll be sitting around in the pre-op room for hours before actual surgery. The surgery itself takes roughly four hours according to the care team, and then whatever time it takes for wake-up, recovery, etc. I'm roughly guesstimating that I'll be there for around eight hours total.

I wanted to get a video of myself when I wake up because according to multiple friends who asked me to, folks say weird shit when they wake up from anaesthesia. Unfortunately, thanks to Covid, I'm not allowed to have anyone in the pre- or post-op rooms except the medical team. I'm pretty bummed about it, but cest la vie, I guess.

I'm gonna write "PHONE" on my hand in big letters if permissible so that it hopefully reminds me to record myself on my personal phone, which the nurse said I am allowed to do but we'll see.

But yeah. I'm currently trying to gather a stockpile of songs and podcasts on Spotify (why won't Spotify give me more organisation power), shows on Netflix (same with Netflix) and other TV streaming sites, and games I can play on my phone to keep me occupied both in the hours before surgery and after while I'm at home recovering. Suggestions are always welcome.

So are any other words of wisdom or encouragement or whatever - I'm probably going to be even more nervous come the morning and I may very well be asking people to talk me up then anyway lol.

And keep an eye out here for updates, I guess! All the talk about anxiety aside, I am also still pretty excited.

#journal entry #surgery blog #surgery journal

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sherlock-is-ace · 3 years

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#god today i did NOTHING at all and i had stuff to do (╥﹏╥)#and now i feel like shit and will continue to do nothing...#i just want to sleep and watch my shows and be in complete and utter silence #i need to be alone for a month #my house has always been the place i can turn my brain off and now i can't even do that #i hate this and i wanna leave #i need to sleep for 5 years #hopefully i'll feel better tomorrow so i can actually get shit done #angel talks #personal

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criticallyacclaimedstranger · 3 years

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For the requests?: frankie saying "I'm seducing my wife" in response to "what are you doing" from reader. Only he's being very serious, not playful, and it catches reader of guard.

Love your writing!

Thank you so much, kind anon!

I'm in a weird headspace today so this is what comes to me, I hope you like it.

Seduction

Frankie x overweight reader

Warnings: Shit mood, body issues, adult acne, talk about rough sex (no actual sex)

Words: 699

Some days were just shit.

You had grown to accept it. You knew you had a good life, you had an amazing husband who loved you like crazy, a job, your health, et cetera. Still, some days you were still burdened with heavy thoughts. Like today, when for some reason you just felt like shit when you woke up. Your overweight body felt fat, figureless, and unattractive. Your skin was breaking out and it didn't matter how much you resisted society's idea of beauty: pushing 40 and having acne like a 14-year-old sucked so hard.

Frankie noticed your mood, of course, and you didn't want to share your woes with him. He'd just kiss you, tell you that you were beautiful, and you didn't want to hear that today. You just wanted to wallow in your self-pity, and hopefully feel better tomorrow. So you just told Frankie that you were tired, didn't sleep well, had a bad day.

"I just need to be by myself tonight, okay?" you begged him when he told you he could cancel his night out with the guys. You could tell from how his lips formed a thin, horizontal line that he didn't like your plea.

"I don't mind staying in. Can't you let me help you, baby?"

"Please, I just want to pout by myself, Frankie," you insisted. "Go see the guys. I'll feel better tomorrow morning. It's not you, I promise."

He accepted eventually and left the house. You spent your night doing chores (better get them out of the way while you were in a bad mood, you figured), avoiding mirrors, and you are balancing your check book when Frankie came home.

"Hi." He stops by the door to your office. You reply in kind, looking up from the desk, lit up in the otherwise dark office.

"I didn't hear your truck."

"Will dropped me. I had one too many to drive."

You nod, and return to your chore. Frankie hovers by the door for a moment, before clearing his throat.

"You feeling any better?"

You shrug and make a meh sound.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, then walks away. You hear him go to the bathroom, and then you don't pay any more attention to him. As soon as you're done with your check book, you can go to bed.

You're bent over the desk when Frankie returns from the bathroom. He walks up to your chair and puts his broad, warm palm over your neck.

"I'm almost done," you mumble, not looking up. Frankie grunts something, then grabs the back of your desk chair and turns it around. You give a startled squeal and glare up at him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm seducing my wife." Frankie stares at you with dark intent in his eyes, taking you completely by surprise. You expect his face to crack in a mischievous grin, but it doesn't. He seizes you by one wrist and pulls you up so quickly and with such force that it sends you crashing into him. He claims your lips immediately and you taste the alcohol on him. It's not too much, however, he's not drunk, but just tipsy enough to be horny.

A familiar, warm pull begins to spread in the pit of your stomach, but it's not quite enough to conquer over the feeling of discomfort in your own body.

"Frankie..." Your protest is as pitiful as the tiny mewl of a newborn kitten. He tears his mouth from yours and crowds you against the desk. His hand slides down to cup your sex through your sweatpants, firm without being rough. He drops his mouth to your ear.

"Tell me you don't want me, and I won't bother you anymore," he breathes, and his low barytone vibrates throughout your body.

It doesn't take more to make you snap. You whine and put your hand over his, pressing his palm against the apex of your thighs. You want him, you always want him, and tonight you want him to rail this weird mood out of you.

"Better fuck me blind, baby," you tell him, and he bares his teeth in a smile which could only be called predatory.

#my fic #triple frontier fanfic #francisco catfish morales #francisco frankie morales #frankie morales #frankie morales x you #frankie morales x reader

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

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hey...I kinda just needed to vent. you can ignore this.

on-site school starts tomorrow and even though it's only 2 days a week I'm nervous as hell. actually, screw that I'm terrified. we've literally been online for the past 2 years only going to school for tests sometimes. but this will be different. it's a new year and new teachers and my biology teacher used to have me for maths in grade 6 and years have passed but she scares the shit out of me. I don't know why she's just...

TW S3lf h@/rm

I've recently started cutting. oh my god saying it like this...I'm terrified. because every time I'm less hesitant and that's scary. I'm afraid one day I'll hurt myself too deeply. my thoughts are all over the place and it's all kind of a mess. I've always had self-harming tendencies but never to the point of blood. It's been a few days since I last did it and I've been trying not to. but with school starting and having to face people, face teachers...I've been getting that urge again. I don't want to but it's...goddamn I sound crazy.

anyway, do you have some tips on dealing with on-site school after years of online and scary teachers who gave you nightmares years ago and still do?

Hi.

I've been meaning to write something about this since a lot of my friends here on tumblr are going to back to school in soon.

I understand your anxiety. The world is pretty shit at the moment and it's already terrifying enough.

Apologies for the late reply. I was doing some reading on this before I could write back to you.

Every single resource I read was aimed at parents. They kept talking about "how to help your child" and "how to help your teenager". But I don't think these people who are writing these resources know that the biggest problem children/teenagers have is their inability or hesitancy to talk to their parents - especially about something like this.

There is very little content/support directly addressing teenagers - which I think is absolutely ridiculous. So, I read all the resources written for parents - and tried to salvage some useful stuff.

Here is something they all recommended - which I second.

You need to establish a routine.

Having a routine generally helps reduce anxiety. Most of the anxiety comes from not knowing what is going to happen and how you are going to react to it. So, having a predictable routine - especially in areas you are able to control - will be of great help.

For example, (while this might sound boring) I map out my daily tasks every day - to the dot. I know exactly what I will be doing at any point of the day because I write it down on my phone. It helps me keep my anxiety in check. So, when you are going to back to school - especially on the days you physically have to visit, try to have a routine. Before you go to the bed the previous day, go through this mental schedule. It will make you feel a little better knowing what’s gonna happen tomorrow.

Other than that, remember to take one day at a time.

We really need to take baby steps here. Remember that you are not alone in how you feel. Everyone, including your peers, are terrified of what’s going on. And when people are scared, they have a tendency to act like shitheads. So, try to be kind - to others and yourself.

About this teacher of yours - I don’t know why exactly you are scared of her. If she has done something to hurt you or another student, then you should talk to someone at your school at about it. But if it is just “a vibe”, then I would suggest (if you want to) you talk to her directly. I understand how terrifying that might sound. If that’s the case, talk to another teacher (who you can trust). It is very important that you feel comfortable in your learning environment. So, if you are terrified of your teacher, then you need to be able to assess why that is - so that you can get rid of it.

As for the self-harm, I understand why you are getting the urges again. One of the main ways to cope with self-harm is to distract yourself with a coping mechanism or a different activity. I’m not sure if you currently have any coping mechanisms that might help you. But here are some suggestions that might help. People self-harm for different reasons, I’m just going to write a bunch here. Hopefully, some of them will be useful for you!

If you're feeling anger and frustration

exercise

hit cushions

shout and dance

shake

tear something up into hundreds of pieces

go for a run.

Expressing your anger physically, or by doing things like shouting, won't work for everyone and could intensify feelings. Try things out and continue with any that have a positive effect.

If you're feeling sadness and fear

wrap a blanket around you

spend time with an animal

walk in nature

let yourself cry or sleep

listen to soothing music

tell someone how you feel

massage your hands

lie in a comfortable position and breathe in – then breathe out slowly, making your out-breath longer than your in-breath. Repeat until you feel more relaxed.

If you're feeling a need to control

write lists

tidy up

declutter

write a letter saying everything you are feeling, then tear it up

weed a garden

clench then relax all your muscles.

If you're feeling numb and disconnected

flick elastic bands on your wrists

hold ice cubes

smell something with strong odour

have a very cold shower.

If you're feeling shame

stop spending time with anyone who treats you unkindly

recognise when you are trying to be perfect and accept that making mistakes is part of being human

remind yourself that there are reasons for how you behave – it is not because you are 'bad'.

If you're feeling self-hatred and wanting to punish yourself

write a letter from the part of you that feels the self-hatred, then write back with as much compassion and acceptance as you can

find creative ways to express the self-hatred, through writing songs or poetry, drawing, movement or singing

do physical exercise (like running or going to the gym) to express the anger that is turned in on yourself.

And finally and most importantly - whether it’s self-harm or anxiety, something that ALWAYS help is to talk to someone. The fact that someone else knows what you are going through and someone else is listening can really be helpful. So, if it gets tough in school or if you are getting the urge again, please please reach out to someone you can talk to - online or offline. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. I’m always here if you want to distract yourself by talking about malec or fics or anything else.

I wish someone had told me this. So, I'm gonna tell you now.

It’s just school. You’re gonna get through it.

#sending you all my love!#good luck and come talk to me if you need me!!!#support #back to school #tw self harm

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