OKOK I WAS READING THESE HQ THREADS THEN I SAW IT ON TIKTOK (IF THAT MAKES SENSE) Basically you ask ur bf for these feminine products that don’t exist (ex: coochie cleaner 3000) IM SORRY LMFAOO I WAS WONDERING IF U CAN DO BAKUGOU,SHINSO AND A CHARACTER OF UR CHOICE,HERES THE TT DONT MIND MY PROFILE THAT WILL MOST LIKELY SHOW UP IF U COPY N PASTE THE LINK https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMe6U22uM/
getting non-existent feminine products
(tiktok prank)
character(s) : amajiki tamaki, bakugou katsuki, shinsou hitoshi (bnha)
legend : [Y/N = your name] afab! reader, but they/them pronouns used, quirk not mentioned
headcanon type : crack, fluff (x reader)
note(s) : i choose tamaki because i’ve been lacking with him lately but NWNDNWKX please this trend is so funny 💀
»»————- ♡ ————-««
amajiki tamaki
the fact that he even has to get you feminine products was enough to make him blush
yeah, even though he had to get you feminine products in the past— he’s still quite shy about getting them in the grocery store (it’s the stares, not the concept)
WHAT MORE WHEN YOU DECIDED TO PRANK HIM?? poor tamaki
“tamaki, could you buy me more feminine products?” and he stops in his tracks, and a blush spreads on his cheeks “s-sure. what do you want me to get?”
“cooch pouch version 2.”
he blinks, and it looks like he has to pass out, “c-come again?”
“cooch pouch version 2. it’s in purple and pink packaging, tama!” the fact that you’re not even the slightest bit of embarrassed, makes him shake.
“okay, bunny. just stay here.” he sighs, and gets out of the car— and that’s when tamaki set off to get you ‘cooch pouch version 2’
he was looking around the feminine product isle, and he was literally about to ditch everything, run back to the car and cry himself to sleep, when he couldn’t find ‘cooch pouch version 2’
“may i help you, sir?” an employee finally decides to offer their services, when they noticed that tamaki was stuck in the isle for quite sometime.
okay tamaki. you’re a part of UA’s big three. there’s no need to be nervous because of this. he reassured himself first, before asking “d-do you have c-cooch pouch version 2?”
the employee blinks, “uh. cooch pouch version 2?” they ask again, and tamaki— very reluctantly, nods.
the walk back to the car felt shameful. “so? did you find it?” you discreetly film his reaction, and he shakes his head, absolutely mortified
“they,, didn’t have it.” tamaki whispers, a very aggressive blush on his face was evident. “i’m so sorry, bunny. they were nice, and i really tried—”
you just laugh. “no, it’s okay tamaki. you don’t have to look anymore.” you reassure him, patting him on the shoulder
you had to reassure him on your way back home 💀 he was just so mortified. you just agree to yourself that you’re never going to do that again
but on the brighter side, the tiktok did well, gathering 800k likes and 2.5M views. the comments were laughing at him, but they also felt REALLY bad
bakugou katsuki
katsuki’s already your errand boy, when it came to feminine products. he’s practically desensitized to it. even though he acts like he’s so annoyed by it
he’s so confused when he hears ‘super jumbo tampon deluxe; ribboned edition.’ and he’d like to say that he isn’t judging you
but he is, and it’s hard. “the hell’s that?? what are you even putting down there??” and you chuckle at his reaction
“don’t tell me you’re wussing out— on feminine products,” you tease, and he knows that. but he still rolls his eyes
“shut up. i’ll go get them, you’ll see.” he claims, opening the car door and marching off the to store
when he enters the feminine products section, he practically scans every single row for the packaging that has super jumbo tampon deluxe; ribboned edition on it’s front
but then there’s none. so then, that’s when his ruby red irises scan again, and again.
and of course, katsuki radiates intimidating energy— so no one dared on asking him what he was looking for especially in the feminine products section
katsuki— wanting to find the product, hesitates on asking for help, but he does anyway.
the employees blink, but they don’t want to question his motives— the expression on his face was enough to make them search the entire isle
afterwards, katsuki angrily marches back to the car— a slight blush showcased on his cheeks, most likely coming from shame
“so?” you have your phone in one hand, but it’s not very obvious that you’re filming him. “did you get it?”
“you.” he opens the car door, and slides right in, “you. humiliated. me.”
you laugh at his expression, “so i’m guessing that’s a no?”
“DUMBASS, SUPER JUMBO TAMPON DELUXE; RIBBONED EDITION DOESN’T EVEN EXIST. I LOOKED LIKE A FOOL.” he exclaims, irritated and humiliated by the entire encounter
and when you revealed that it was a prank, he,, wasn’t very pleased.
katsuki takes away your kissing privileges, and he’s in a rather silent mood for the rest of the day— but he says he’ll forget about it, if you’ll cook him dinner
you posted the tiktok after you got home, and everyone just assumed you passed away in the hands of your boyfriend 💀 at least you’re tiktok famous now
shinsou hitoshi
again, also very desensitized to the idea of getting you feminine products— since, it’s not something that you can CONTROL freely
and he’s not in the right place to judge you anyway
he won’t make a big deal out of it, hitoshi will just get your products, and then camouflage it with things from the snack isle
so, hitoshi’s questioning you— when you asked him to buy ‘urethra padding cleanser’ since he’s also familiar with the feminine products isle
he wasn’t aware on what THAT even was, it’s pretty obvious— due to the fact that his eyes were wide like saucers.
“kitten, do you need to go to the doctor?” he asks— he’s half joking, but he’s also half serious because wtf is a urethra padding cleanser??
“no,” you shake your head, “you said you wouldn’t judge.” you fein being bashful, and this seems enough to trick him
“right, sorry kitten. it’s just very concerning that you’d need something like that”
you blink, and he raises his hands up in defeat “i’ll,, try to find it.” even though he isn’t very convinced that he’d find it
he enters the isle, and he scans every single row— and to no one’s surprise, he can’t find it
hitoshi decides to look around again, and when he turns around— there’s a clerk there, smiling at him, and also at his assistance
“hello! do you need help in finding something?”
thank you, store employee. he’s glad he doesn’t have to ask “i,, guess you could say that. uh, does this store have a ‘urethra padding cleanser’?”
the store clerk looks at him like he’s gone mad. “uh,” they look through the isle once again, “i’ll be right back, we’ll need some assistance.”
it doesn’t take long for him to realize that ‘urethra padding cleanser’ doesn’t. even. exist.
he decides that it’s probably best for him to buy some snacks— because leaving the store empty handed feels weird to him.
the tall man apologizes to the staff as he leaves, and the walk back to the car is basically one long walk of shame
“it doesn’t exist,” hitoshi’s quick to say, placing the snacks in your lap— “urethra padding cleanser doesn’t exist. i should’ve trusted my gut.”
you snicker, and you’re glad that you’re filming his reaction— because the look on his face is just priceless. “did you ask for help?”
“i did, actually. they looked at me like i was on some weird shit,” he turns his head, and he’s now facing you “i’m never doing that again.” even though he actually goes back your next cycle, and gets you everything
when you finished recording the tiktok— and also when you revealed that it was all a prank, hitoshi looks SO done
“who would’ve guessed,” he sighs, laying his head on your shoulder “you got there, Y/N. i’ll give you that.” and you’re lowkey lucky that he loves you a lot to not even care 💀
you upload the tiktok in the following hours, and it does great. the comments were mostly laughing at his reaction at the end and they were also sympathetic for him
it somehow managed to get to kaminari’s fyp— considering that he sent you a video of him laughing hysterically the tiktok 🗿
needless to say, hitoshi will ask you if it IS a real product, the next time you make him buy products with,, weird and questionable names
»»————- ♡ ————-««
likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!
i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby
do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission
613 notes
·
View notes
prompts,.,, fem tdbk and a date gone very wrong ? ❤️
ohhhh my god anon. pump this shit directly into my veins i love this whole premise let’s go. also all inspired by whatever the fuck horikoshi was doing in this
just so everyone is on the same page here, it is not a fucking date.
it’s lunch. a singular lunch. people do that shit all the time. even katsuki does lunch, sometimes. she went to that semi-shitty diner place with kirishima that one time when the food hall was shut because some dumbass first year exploded into goo or whatever. and todoroki does lunch, too- her and deku were on some shitty lunch date like a week ago, as evidenced by deku’s even shittier selfie of them having a grand old time doing whatever the fuck they do alone.
fuck, not a shitty lunch date. a shitty lunch. whatever.
the point is lunch is a normal non-date thing people do, and the fact katsuki and todoroki are maybe not the usual suspects for it is just circumstantial. it’s not like they planned it ahead of time, or made some big thing about it. they literally arranged for it in public, so obviously todoroki didn’t think there was anything weird about it. and there isn’t! they’re both going to be in tokyo on the same day, and todoroki’s always happy for any excuse to spend less time with her old man, and katsuki sure as fuck wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to avoid her hag of a birth-giver for a few blissful hours, so when todoroki had very nonchalantly gone ‘oh, bakugou, we could do lunch then”, it wasn’t like she had any real reason to tell her to go fuck herself. like, yeah, maybe a year ago, on principle, she would have, but even katsuki can only take so much trauma-bonding before she resigns herself to the reality that she’s stuck with half ‘n half for life, one way or another, and she may as well suck it up and approach civility because said moron is determined to ignore her open malice until she plays along anyways. they’re... you know, whatever. friends. or something. jesus.
the point being that it’s not a date, and the fact that she’s getting increasingly annoyed at her limited wardrobe is just because she would have packed more shit if the crone hadn’t insisted that they ‘pack light’ so they could get cheaper train tickets for less luggage. it’s just annoying that she can’t wear anything that’s not screaming holiday.
it occurs to her as she sits and scowls at her suitcase that her mother has been watching her from the doorframe for some undetermined amount of time, which is criminal mainly because she’s a goddamn hero-to-be and getting snuck up on by anyone is a blight upon her good name. she tries to disguise the ego damage dealt by glowering murderously in her progenitor’s direction.
“what the fuck do you want?”
“you know,” the she-devil says, cocking a hip, “if you want to borrow something nicer...”
“i wouldn’t be caught dead in your shitty clothes!” katsuki snarls, which prompts the witch to immediately scowl back.
“watch your damn mouth!”
“watch your waistline! no way in hell are we the same size!”
“why you little-”
the interruption at least reminds her that she is obsessing over her clothes ahead of meeting todoroki for lunch, which is so humiliating it kickstarts her brain again long enough to grab some normal shit and get the hell out of there.
on the walk she checks her phone again. the previous day she’d had to bite the bullet and make the first move, todoroki’s infamously terrible communication skills making themselves known once more, and their ensuing conversation had been so mortifying she’d nearly cancelled all-together.
to: Half ‘n half
Yo asshole are we still meeting tomorrow or what
I’m busy as shit
from: Half ‘n half
Yes. TS
to: Half ‘n half
What the fuck is TS
from: Half ‘n half
I was signing off.
to: Half ‘n half
SIGNING OFF ON YOUR OWN TEXT
YOU THINK I DONT KNOW YOUR DAMN NAME
from: Half ‘n half
[Pin attached]
Does here at 12.30 work for you?
to: Half ‘n half
Yeah whatever
Don’t be late
And don’t think I’m forgetting the fucking signing off thing
from: Half ‘n half
Glad you can make time for mockery in your busy as shit schedule.
the venue looks like some rich person shit, which she semi-expected, but it means a lot of people give her weird looks as she makes her way inside, probably on account of the shorts and t-shirt she’s wearing if not her general vibe. some old woman actually drags her purse to her, which makes katsuki sorely tempted to bare her teeth and maybe hiss for effect, though she settles for scowling and shoving her hands in her pockets. it’s 12.27, because she wasn’t going to be late but being any earlier would have given off some dubious impression that she’s eager to see todoroki, except now she kind of wishes she’d just come for 12.30 because if there’s some reservation bullshit she gets the feeling she’s going to start fighting with the waiting staff, and then-
“bakugou,” todoroki calls, from inside, raising a hand with unnecessary formality. “you made it.”
“course i made it,” katsuki grunts, absolutely not relieved as she by-passes the suspicious looking waiter to join her outside. “think i can’t ride the damn underground by myself?”
todoroki is wearing jeans cuffed at the ankles and a white t-shirt on top of which she’s thrown on an open button-up with the sleeves rolled up, and she looks casual and normal and incidentally kind of like they dressed to match, but the important part is that she doesn’t look dressed up at all, so katsuki was totally right about the non-date situation, and also isn’t the only one totally underdressed for the shitty venue.
“you look nice,” todoroki says then, completely shattering katsuki’s brief moment of reprieve. “i’ve never seen so much color on you.”
katsuki almost chokes on her own tongue, but the worst part is that the asshole seems completely nonchalant about the weird as shit observation, focused on her stool as she takes a seat on the balcony. which- what the actual fuck? since when does todoroki issue compliments unprompted- of the non-professional variety, at that? and what the fuck does she expect katsuki to say now- return the compliment? say thanks? is this whole thing some kind of exercise in psychological torture?
well, fuck it. she can’t look like a little bitch just because todoroki said something inanely positive. two can play that game.
“yeah. you look half decent yourself. did you hire someone to dress you for the occasion?”
todoroki blinks up at her in surprise, which is totally a win and would make her more smug if she could stop feeling so weird and prickly all over. for a dangerous moment todoroki seems on the verge of blushing, but miraculously the world rights itself and the usual deadpan persists, one brow quirking up in completely feigned ineptitude.
“there was a compliment somewhere in there, so thank you, i think. i thought we were past this vendetta.”
“we’ll be past this vendetta the day you burn your piece of shit hero suit,” katsuki retorts, back on familiar ground, and relaxes long enough to squint down at the menu.
this turns out to be a mistake.
“the fuck? is this whole thing in french?”
“oh,” todoroki says, after a beat. “that makes sense. i thought my english had deteriorated.”
“are you- you didn’t know? you recommended the place!”
“it was the nearest place to our hotel,” todoroki defends, now having the decency of looking slightly put out. “coq can’t mean what i think it means, can it?”
“that’s chicken, asshole,” katsuki hisses, flinging the menu down. “great, now we’re going to have to flag down one of the shithead waiters and ask for a japanese menu. excuse me! hey! yeah, i’m talking to- what the hell, did he just blow me off? hey, jackass! you with the shitty mustache!”
“sorry about that,” todoroki interjects, when mustache asshole turns an offended stare their way. “do you have the japanese menu?”
“we only serve the food in its authentic form,” mustachioed asshole says, with frigid self-satisfaction. “might i suggest google translate?”
“might i suggest my foot up your ass, you shitty-”
“that’s fine,” todoroki says, in a flat tone that implies otherwise. “we’ll make do.”
the waiter sniffs pretentiously as katsuki thinks about all the ways she could beat his ass into next tuesday, running an aggravated hand through her hair when the wind rustles it into her face. she’d half expect todoroki to suggest they fuck off elsewhere, but when she looks back her way she finds an ill-boding gleam of determination in her eyes despite the impassive set to her face, and it’s a testament to how fucked in the head ua has made katsuki that she feels a sort of sick thrill of recognition at the sight. todoroki’s in stubborn bitch mode.
“i’ll have this,” todoroki says, sure enough, pointing to the most expensive item on the menu. “and also this. and one of those.”
the waiter’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull, and todoroki looks unfazed in katsuki’s direction, tapping pointedly at a sleek black and red credit card in her wallet. “bakugou?”
well, if endeavour’s paying....
“sure,” katsuki says, slowly, and then turns her meanest smile the waiter’s way. “i want the frog legs.”
mustache clears his throat, attempts condescension. “we don’t serve that here.”
“you’re a gastronomique restaurant,” katsuki says very loudly, as other clients turn to stare, “and you don’t have fucking frog legs? is this a joke? does this napkin say authentic french cuisine or am i hallucinating?”
“i can ask the chef,” the waiter demurs, casting a nervous glance at the muttering snobs nearby, and attempts an ingratiating smile. “anything else for you, mademoiselle?”
“what did you just call me?”
once the ordering debacle is over, todoroki slants katsuki what may well be an apologetic glance, vaguely contrite frown sitting pretty atop her usual dead-eyed stare.
“i probably should have read up on the place ahead of time.”
katsuki is well within her rights to chew her head off, she thinks, but food’s on the way and she got to yell at the asshole who gave her the once-over when she came in, so she’s feeling forgiving, even in the face of todoroki’s annoyingly doll-faced apology. the bitch really has to do the bare minimum and she looks like a fucking kpop idol.
“yeah, whatever. i always knew you were a shitty ops planner.”
todoroki, who is an asshole, looks relieved at her generous forgiveness for all of a second before she quirks a brow. “between the two of us, i only count one person who has actually spoken the words ‘shoot first, ask questions later’.”
“that was in a training simulation,” katsuki protests, outraged. “and you know damn well the actors were annoying as shit!”
“i did find them slightly too committed to the role,” todoroki concedes neutrally, which totally means she agrees with katsuki 100% and is being precious about it. katsuki scoffs.
“least the view’s decent.”
“the-“ todoroki starts, in weirdly confused tones, until she follows katsuki’s gaze outward and nods in understanding. “oh, the skyline. yes.”
what else katsuki could have meant she doesn’t fucking know: they’re sitting pretty in the middle of tokyo. the only thing the hellhole of a restaurant has going for it at this point is the cityscape.
todoroki stares out into the distance for a good long moment, and with the breeze her negligently loose hair whips this way and that, red and white blur where the two halves mingle. instinctively katsuki itches to braid it flat so it doesn’t tangle. if todoroki asked her she’d tell her to just cut her damn hair into a bob or something- it’s not like icyhot has any attachment to her princess hair, and she’s got the obnoxious bone structure to pull off any length. not that she’d mention this last part. or that she’s given it much thought. it’s just fucking obvious.
if todoroki could keep her mouth shut throughout the rest of the meal, it could be sort of nice. tokyo skyline, and companionable silence, and presumably edible food. worse ways to kill some time, and way less incriminating than anything that may be said otherwise.
“i think this is the part where we make small talk,” todoroki says instead, sadist that she definitely is, as katsuki grimaces feelingly her way.
“no, we don’t.”
“well, we don’t. but this is the part where we should.”
“i don’t even believe you can last a minute of small talk, icyhot.”
todoroki looks pensive, mismatched eyes thoughtful. “...how has your day been?”
“uneventful,” katsuki says, combative, and eyes her watch. todoroki does not give.
“this place seems nice.”
“you don’t even think that.”
“how have you been finding tokyo?”
“noisy.”
“the weather seems-”
“no.”
“you look nice.”
“you said that already, dumbass,” katsuki grunts, palms crackling with sweat, and does not at all read into the way todoroki makes a stupid little movement with her mouth that could ungenerously be interpreted as a pout.
“well, i meant it, so i’m saying it twice.”
“give it up, half ‘n half, just ask me about training.”
“...how is your training?”
“i did this thing yesterday,” katsuki starts, leaning back in her chair, and from then launches into a very technical and barely exaggerated retelling of the batshit insane stunt she pulled off with her quirk the day prior. todoroki’s focused attention is gratifying, in a totally platonic non-weird way- it’s just that her parents couldn’t very well follow why exactly said stunt was as insane as it is, but todoroki obviously can, and also there’s that thing with todoroki where pulling a reaction out of her ice queen act is admittedly more satisfying than most people. it has jack shit to do with the fact katsuki’s got a very minor complex about todoroki paying her her dues, and even if it did then that’s entirely fucking reasonable considering she still hasn’t forgiven her for the sports fest incident.
it is a little weird having todoroki’s sole focus on her outside of hero shit, though. it’s not like they really hang out one on one outside of school or work. it’s kind of- unnerving. yeah. unnerving, to be making prolonged eye contact, todoroki’s expression intent but not intense the way she gets in fight scenarios, frowning lightly because she has resting bitch face but apparently genuinely interested. it’s kind of a relief that todoroki asks questions- moves them safely into a conversation, so katsuki’s not just sitting there talking and sort of dry-throated. fucking waiter, leaving them water-less.
it’s fine. they talk about training, and quirks, and then todoroki pushes her hair behind her ears and leans forward to demonstrate on a small scale this thing she’s trying to do where she melts her ice and refreezes it in rapid succession so it causes what is essentially ice rain, but there’s logistics and shit that need to be worked out for it to work the way she’s thinking it might, and katsuki knows her thermal shit so they start scrawling maths over the napkins, and then bicker over the finer points of first year chemistry, so when the food actually arrives to interrupt them todoroki’s startled blink is weirdly relatable, like she also forgot where they were.
the waiter’s there and gone before they’re really recovered from the brief misplacement, which katsuki registers only when she looks down at her empty glass.
“goddamnit- how hard is it to bring us water?”
“they only offer sparkling,” todoroki says, gravely, then outpaces katsuki’s disgust by placing her hand over her glass, ice rising before she switches hands and melts it down. “tell me if the temperature’s off.”
intensely mollified and trying not to look it, katsuki sips it. “’s fine.”
“okay,” todoroki says, faintly pleased, and tilts her head to look down at her food. “i have no idea what any of this is.”
“moron,” katsuki snorts, except it comes out way fonder than it has any rights to, and from beneath the convenient curtain of hair todoroki’s smiling a little, so she hastily stabs a frog leg and gets to eating before anyone gets any ideas.
the actual meal goes okay-ish. most of the stuff todoroki ordered is extremely pretentious french cuisine, and todoroki secretly has the culinary adventurousness of a five year old, so it befalls katsuki to impatiently attempt every dish and pronounce it edible before todoroki will deign to brave it. she’s still trying to bully an unyielding todoroki into attempting the weird bird soup thing when there’s commotion nearby. it takes the both of them approximately three seconds to spring into work-mode; katsuki’s on her feet poised for a fight before she’s even consciously thought about it, scanning her peripherals, and she doesn’t even need to look to feel todoroki unconsciously covering her back, cool sting of air signalling her quirk at the ready.
the commotion turns out just to be some old dumbass choking, relaxing them both out of their stances as she falls back to let todoroki ahead. they’re both uber-qualified for first aid shit, but she’s self-aware enough to know even todoroki’s bland reassurances are usually preferred to her bedside manner. unfortunately, the whole entourage seems to be braindead, because they’re all crowding the old guy in a panic while he chokes, his wife in shrieking hysterics.
“oh, my god, he’s choking! he’s choking! sugar-plum, stay with me!”
“fuck me,” katsuki mutters, unethically thinking that she would personally prefer choking to being married to someone who calls her sugar-plum, but todoroki’s pushing ahead with implacable calm, so she trudges after her anyways.
“excuse me. excuse me. i need access to your husband.”
“who are you? don’t touch him! help! get this woman off my husband!” wailing hysteric yells, bosom heaving dramatically. katsuki is starting to suspect she poisoned him on purpose or some shit, because no way does anyone talk like that in real life.
“she’s a fucking qualified first aid provider, lady, shut up and let her through!”
thankfully, the woman seems on the verge of an outrage aneurysm, which drags her focus away from suffocating her choking husband to dramatically pointing at katsuki long enough for todoroki to duck past her and reach the guy as he turns purple.
“how dare you speak to me that way? who do you think you are?”
“ma,” chinless moron number one says, clearing his throat. “i think that’s one of those future pros from TV.”
“what?”
“you know, ma,” chinless moron number two adds, glancing nervously between them. “the one that explodes things. you know. from UA.”
katsuki takes great pleasure in watching recognition dawn in the old cow’s beady eyes, but in any event there’s a hacking noise and then the old man’s coughing out a bone into his plate as todoroki steps noiselessly back from the table.
“he’s fine now. enjoy your dinner.”
“god, that was gross,” katsuki says, as they ignore the woman’s sputtering and return to their seats. todoroki tilts her head.
“not really. if he’d thrown up it would have been.”
“not the choking guy,” katsuki scoffs, casting a glance back his way. “his wife. talk about theatrics.”
“she seemed more afraid of us than her husband dying.”
“for good reason,” katsuki mutters darkly, spreading out in her chair. “i hate civilians.”
“i don’t think she recognised us,” todoroki counters, pensive, and absent-mindedly takes a bite of the weird soup before she screws her face up like a betrayed kid. “oh. you didn’t say it was sweet.”
the look on her face thoroughly distracts katsuki from asking what other reason the pearl-clutcher could possibly have to be so terrified at the mere sight of them; instead, she chokes back a laugh, stifling a grin. “what are you, five?”
“i don’t think i like this,” todoroki says, mournful, which makes katsuki grin harder. she can’t help it- todoroki looking stupid is her kryptonite.
“then don’t pick a restaurant where you can’t read the menu, next time.”
todoroki’s midway to looking up, but for some reason her expression transforms instantaneously, which makes katsuki reflexively try to quash her amusement. todoroki always gets weird when she’s smiling.
“next time?”
motherfuck. obviously she didn’t mean next time like next time, she meant next time like- hypothetically, in the future, when todoroki’s on a lunch date with someone else. a lunch non-date. she’s just about stopped sputtering furiously long enough to try and express this sentiment when it occurs to her that todoroki seems- pleased, one eye soft sky-blue when katsuki accidentally meets it, and that draws her up short long enough that she ends up just muttering lamely to herself. fucking todoroki.
on the heels of this utter embarrassment, she downs the rest of her water, scowls in a neat 180 at everything in sight, and wonders for the first time in her life how the fuck extras get through dates. not that this is one.
it’s fine. they’re done eating, and no one’s died, and katsuki is no longer fifteen and thus mostly trusts her ego to lick its wounds and recover from the ordeal. even if they stick around for desert that’s only another half hour of this to endure. as long as todoroki doesn’t make any sudden moves they’ll be fine.
...the problem is, of course, that sudden moves are todoroki’s modus operandi. katsuki has not forgotten the bitch calling them friends on national television in the same breath that she was vociferously denying them being anything of the sort. in todoroki’s fucked up brain, they’re always ten steps ahead of whatever they actually are- considering katsuki’s come around to privately acknowledging she’d take a couple more stakes through the gut for the asshole, in todoroki’s world they're practically hitched.
platonically. platonically practically hitched. this is not a thing, goddamnit. no matter the weird looks aizawa’s been giving them, or utsushimi’s nefarious schemes, or the alarming cardiopulmonary condition katsuki’s been developing of late. she’s not some shitty yuri protagonist pining over the nearest female bishōnen in her vicinity.
admittedly if she was to pine over anyone it sure as fuck wouldn’t be some guy, but that’s besides the point, since pretty damn near every person on earth is just some guy by her standards, regardless of gender. the fact that todoroki is not one of said people is entirely irrelevant.
her internal irritation is so distracting that she misses the tremors nearby until entirely too late, by which point todoroki’s stupidly perfect brows raise an incremental fraction and she goes: ‘oh’.
when todoroki goes ‘oh’, some shit is about to go down.
katsuki turns slowly with an impending sense of doom, and sure enough, the sight that greets her is so nightmarish she seriously reconsiders whether the entire day has been just that.
“don’t freak out,” a giant building-sized deku booms, apologetically, as his hideous giant face stares at them. “it’s just a quirk thing.”
it’s probably a good thing katsuki has gone speechless with outrage, since it permits todoroki’s constantly composed ass to ask useful questions katsuki probably would have coated in a fair amount more threats and cursing.
“midoriya. i didn’t know you were in tokyo.”
“well, i wasn’t meant to be,” deku says/booms like a foghorn, as the restaurant clientele shrieks and stampedes behind them. his sheepish expression is even more punchable when magnified. “it’s a long story. it’s almost sorted out now, though. i just saw you guys from over at the NPA office and thought i’d come ask if you maybe wouldn’t mind lending a hand? i wouldn’t ask but there’s going to be a lot of cleanup and your quirks would be really helpful to-”
“we’ll do it as long as you shut the fuck up,” katsuki yells, to cut him off, massaging her temples. “the monologuing’s bad enough when you’re not about to burst my fucking eardrums, jackass.”
“oh, sorry! i’m trying to be very quiet but this body’s just hard to get used to- thank you so much for helping, i didn’t mean to come bother you on break...”
“it’s fine,” todoroki says, and then seems to realise that her monotone doesn’t reach midoriya’s giant-ass ears and clears her throat, raising her voice to a shout. “it’s fine. let me go deal with the bill and then we’ll go.”
“sorry?” midoriya whisper-shouts, craning his monstrous head closer to them, the sight of which will haunt katsuki for the rest of her life. “i can’t hear what you’re saying!”
“she said she’s going to go pay for our nice fucking lunch,” katsuki hollers, with no small sense of satisfaction, as deku winces and todoroki slinks off. “since you want to come crashing it like a dipshit.”
“sorry, kacchan!” deku begs off, flapping hand gestures creating enough wind to knock over a nearby umbrella stand. “i just thought it would be a lot of help if you came to oversee the fall-out- especially with the building damage-”
“we’re good,” todoroki announces, to katsuki, apparently having given up on matching her in decibels. she’s got that classic hero look on her face, already in work mode, but just when katsuki’s about to do the same and jump into action, the look wavers a little and she frowns vaguely awkwardly. “thanks for doing lunch.”
“huh?” katsuki stutters, thrown, and then scowls at nothing in particular, stalling. todoroki’s the one who paid, albeit indirectly- it’s typically weird of her to be all formal about it all of a sudden, leaving katsuki to attempt to wriggle them out of the awkwardness of the moment. “i didn’t do shit except show up and eat, weirdo.”
“it’s been abnormally hard to show up and eat in the circumstances,” todoroki replies, a little wryly, and more concerningly a little resigned sounding. which is just unnatural, because todoroki may have expanded her range of emotions considerably since first year but resignation is not on her usual roster, and there’s nothing to be resigned about unless she had some kind of vested interest in this whole fiasco playing out any better than it did.
which she didn’t, obviously. katsuki’s been through this. she chose the nearest possible venue and rocked up in jeans and a t-shirt, and- and why is the fact that todoroki never dresses so normally out of class only now occurring to her, again?
she’d said ‘i think this is the part where we do small talk’. the part of what?
“yeah, whatever,” katsuki says, automatically, as her brain plays catch-up, which is the excuse she will forever stick to for what leaves her mouth next. “should have known you’d be a lousy date.”
todoroki goes ‘what?’ at the same moment deku does, ten times louder and more bug-eyed, which reminds katsuki that 1) deku is still there, 2) deku is still as big as his martyr complex, and 3) deku is the fucking worst, and allowing him to trap her into friendship is somehow responsible for this, she’s sure of it.
“can we go handle this fucking mess or what?” katsuki snaps, instead of screaming or breaking deku’s very large nose or maybe self-immolating in abject humiliation, hands erupting into explosions as she jumps onto the balcony railing. maybe if she throws herself headfirst into the debris she’ll concuss herself and turn amnesiac.
“um,” deku is saying, when she turns a withering glare his way. “um, yes! yes! yeah! let’s go do that!”
so she jumps skywards, explosions blasting her high into the air, and very scrupulously does not look towards the sounds of slick ice forming just behind her until todoroki skates into her peripheral vision, hair waving flag-like behind her. ahead there’s a building with a crater clean through it where deku must have erupted from, though when she turns to comment she finds him a fair deal behind them, lumbering pace slowed further as he avoids stepping on anyone or anything along the streets. instead her eyes lock on todoroki’s where the latter is staring at her, face unreadable, and she bristles hard enough to disrupt trajectory, correcting course rapidly before she plummets into an office.
“what?”
“i’m a lousy date,” todoroki repeats, neutrally, over the wind. katsuki grits her teeth.
“and what about it?”
she’s bracing for a lot, but not the horrible, sickening eye-crinkle thing todoroki does, dark eye twinkling even as her expression stays carefully impassive. “you think you can do better, then?”
“hah?”
“next time,” todoroki intones, very precisely, and then dips ahead like a complete coward as katsuki goes a color never previously visible to the human eye, sifting through about fifteen emotions before she decides to stick to outrage.
“what the hell? you suck at asking people out, icyhot!”
“you don’t have to say yes.”
“what, you think i can’t do better than this mess? you’re on, asshole.”
“i look forward to it,” todoroki says, gravely, and then there’s a collapsed building to handle and shit to do and if anyone wants to ask why katsuki is so especially gleeful in blowing shit up they wisely keep their mouths shut. she just likes the job, all right.
(for the record, it’s still not a date until katsuki says it is.)
43 notes
·
View notes