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#horrifying them is acceptable
lovesickeros · 18 days
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☆ from gold, i am undone
{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, yandere, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings blood, implied self harm, implied suicide attempts {☆} word count 0.9k
You weren't meant to be here.
You can feel it in the marrow of your bones– it weighs you down like heavy shackles, gold bleeding from your pores until it is all you know. The taste of ichor on your tongue, the warmth of its invasion beneath your skin, that gleam of gold that lingers in the color of your eyes like specks of dust.
You are changed, and you are whole.
But you are so unbearably broken.
A shattered piece of porcelain hastily put back together with gold to fill the cracks.
Decoration, in the end, for you are not fit to walk as "mortals" do. This gold had filled every empty crevice of your body, spilled the red into your frantic hands and made you bleed so it's callous gold could make room inside your body. It has taken from you many things, given many more, but you scratch and bite and tear until it drips onto the floor and even then it never leaves. It stains the floor no matter how hard you scrub– a permanent reminder of the sickening gold that molds you into something that used to look like you– that does look like you. Desecrated, yet so horribly divine.
All you see is a monster.
Something new, something old.
A hollowed out shell, wounds left to rot and fester until you suited the image of the Creator they bore upon statues and murals, the Creator worshiped in prayers spoken in hushed whispers and joyous chants praising your magnificence.
But what magnificence is there in detachment? What joy is there to be found in carving a God out of a human? They kneel like lambs before the shepherd, but the flock has made you– and you want to unmake them. Unweave the tapestry of their being stitch by stitch until it all falls apart and the world knows the cost of casting molten gold into the shape of a human, knows the price that has been left unpaid.
You want to take it from them. Watch them squabble and pray, blind sheep stepping into the wolf's open maw– to tear the seams of their being until the world is unwound by your heavy hands.
But you know it will not satisfy you.
Nothing does anymore.
You are no wolf. Only the shepherd who guides.
And with every drop of blood spilled, they ripped the humanity from your very bones until your body was the cast in which they made something anew– something gold, something horrific. A monster as much a God, a beast as much a man.
There is nothing left but absolute authority.
You try again and again to mend this act of desecration, to peel back the outer shell and rend the gold from your marrow– but your body cannot, will not, die. It mends itself back into place no matter how damaged, and all you feel is the uncomfortable tug of your body forcing itself to live. You cannot die, but were you ever truly alive at all?
Yet with every cycle, you know only one constant besides the thrum of golden ichor in your veins– cold.
Ice that burns, ice that spreads and festers and devours. Claws that pull you apart until the gold runs thick, teeth that burrow into your bones and rip it out from the source..eyes that witness the fall of a God with reverence– hungering, all consuming reverence.
You welcome it.
It is the first time you felt pain since you were cast into an image of a being you were not meant to be. The sting of cold upon your skin makes you shiver, your body tries to reject it, but you want to welcome it– for a brief moment that lasts only as long as it takes for you to blink, you see the glint of something familiar in the reflection of her empty eyes. Something achingly, horribly familiar– something human, all the more terrifying for it.
Even when Teyvat itself crumples like paper beneath the weight of her sins – of this desecration anew, this wretched heresy – you allow her hands to do it again. You grasp her hands in yours like chains, willing her to shackle you, willing her to pull you apart and make you whole again. To break you until the gold cannot put you back together again.
You long, each time, for those eyes like spears that lodge into your skin– burrow deep and sting deeper, making gold flow like water. You long for the biting tongue, the cutting words and those teeth like weapons– long to see the spite and anger and impure disgust aimed at the woman of silver who leads you down a hall that ends only in damnation. You follow each time like the lamb led astray by the wolf, but you do not wail in betrayal when she sinks her teeth into your throat and devours you whole.
For is it a sin if you welcome it? Has their God sinned, in the eyes of the flock, for welcoming such heresy with open arms? For allowing the wolf into their home?
Is it a sin to be broken beneath the only hands that have loved you?
Is it a sin to want to love, too, those hands and teeth stained in gold?
Then you shall be damned, you swear it. Damned, but gold no more.
For death is the closest you have ever felt to being human.
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#tsaritsa#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#tsaritsa x reader#this is. technically not a sequel but not a prequel but a secret third thing (mental health crisis)#kidding i just wanted 2 write the prev fic from more reader oriented pov bc it wasnt fucked up enough!!!!!#i need fucked up reader who is irreparably changed in horrifying ways!!!!!! and they cant die bc teyvat kinda needs them 2 uh#exist at all. and if u die well thats it. hits reset button#the horrifying fate of a mortal forced to be a god against their will and all the drawbacks that come with it#where is love to be found when they all cannot see themselves as anything but beneath you? there will always be imbalance#oh they try. they claw and scramble and beg but being the creator has changed you.#none of their worship. none of their sacrifices and gifts and pleas make you feel a thing and what a haunting thing it must be#do they reject it? delude themselves into thinking that they must try harder?#or do they accept that this is a god? absolute. horrifying in its entirety. something that even the archons cannot truly understand#a manmade god who seeks absolution in only the most heretical. the most blasphemous#literally shaking chewing on the bars of my cage LET ME OUT#i love deep dives like this sorry 2 everyone i made think i was normal my bad#i just think immortality and godhood r funky concepts and i love making them WORSE#also this took so long because i was playing b@Idurs g@t3 3 erm. censored so it doesnt show up in tags PLEASE DONT SHOW UP IN TAGS#taking i need the tsaritsa to bite me to a whole new entirely worse level!!#i just think (starts talking for 5 hours straight and doesnt Shut Up)#this one is also. considerably more openly fucked up then the other fic. even if its hidden behind flowery language uh. take it seriously.#okay im done no more angst its fluff from here on out i need 2 be NORMAL. i am a normal well functioning adult. maybe.
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padawansuggest · 1 year
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Cody: *comes into Obi-Wan’s apartment after Rex mentioned he thinks Obi and Ani pulled an all nighter*
Obi-Wan: *lying face down on the carpet in plank formation, dead asleep*
Anakin: *texting on the couch while trying to keep his eyes open*
Ahsoka: *having made a comfortable next in the meditation area that genuinely looks comfortable, probably fell asleep at a human-normal but not togruta-normal time*
Initiate Grogu: *stealing more cookies*
Padawan Reva: *helping Grogu steal more cookies, the sugar will be their lifeblood*
Cody: …is he okay?
Reva: *looks at Obi-Wan* Yeah? Master likes to sleep like that.
Anakin: *looks at Obi-Wan, concentrates for a second to float a pillow to him to drop next to him*
Obi-Wan: *instantly snatches the pillow to curl on top of it and stretch out like a lazy cat*
Grogu: *comes over, looks between Reva and Obi-Wan for a few moments, faceplants on the floor next to Obi-Wan to fall asleep under his chest and the pillow*
Cody: …is /he/ okay?
Anakin: Yeah, Grogu likes being smothered. Long as he’s got breathing space he’s fine.
Cody: So. Debatable?
Anakin: Probably. *puts down his phone and finally decides to pass out too*
Reva: *comes over and latches onto Cody’s hand with a soft whine* Is it bedtime now?
Cody: It’s noon, but it’s your bedtime, yeah. Come on, kiddo. *leads her off to tuck her into bed*
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luffyrose · 11 months
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Dc x Dp Blurb #3
It's late, I'm tired and on my phone so it's weird writing here but I must share this one instantly.
So, I saw a Trans Danny AND Trans Jazz thing earlier and I lost it. The idea that they both are is so good to me, and I have so much angst for it.
Just, neither of their parents even REMEMBER that they're trans. Like Danny's their son, Jazz is their daughter....but only because they know they have one daughter one son and clearly that was correct, not because they remember they're both trans. Acceptance through negligence basically.
Also side note but totally an au where the kids at school know and are like "Hell yeah you go!" About the trans stuff. Dash will push Danny into a locker but if he hears someone deadname his nerd friend he's taking a note from the ghosts and breaking shit.
Now the crossover aspect that's been invading my brain. Danny is visiting Gotham temporarily for something and is just like not hiding that he's trans, he's got a lol pin of the flag on his bag. Class trip with the Fentons being some of the supervisors, they came along to see if Batman was a ghost, and Danny us just very tired at this point. He's king of the realms, come to a midpoint with his 'rogues' after realizing it was more a ghost thing than a hate thing for 99% of them, and finally become friends with most of his class even if Dash still liked to mess with him.
Walking through the museum they're touring with Lancer, and a class from the local high school, Danny ends up near the edge of his classmates group next to the other school group. They're not avoiding one another but also not really talking, but this one kid just goes, "nice flag pin," before showing off the bisexual and polyamorous ones they have.
It's Tim. Because he saw the flag and went :O friend time. And also no one he talked to was with the group he was in, so he'd rather talk to this stranger who probably won't treat him differently since he doesn't know him.
The two talk as they are going, some of the other Casper high students chiming in since hey if a kid is nice to their weirdest classmate they're pretty okay in the books. (50/50 if the class know Danny is Phantom but they totally know he's different from all the osha violations in his house and most of them are so worried after really paying attention after they became friends).
Randomly Jack and Maddie come out of nowhere and grab Danny talking about something to do with ghosts, much to the apparent tiredness and even slight distaste on their kid's face, which they didn't even notice. Tim is unsure what is happening but seeing the dislike on the whole class's faces and some worried looks Danny got he's now wanting to go all detective on him because hey Danny's fun to talk to! Totally not because he's very very gay-
So after they leave, he causally tries to learn more about the two and why the class seemed to hate them, even why Danny himself didn't seem to want to be anywhere near his parents. Of course he tries to be subtle.
"So you're parents seem pretty accepting of you being trans, that's good!"
Maybe not so subtle, in his defense, he hasn't slept recently. Danny tried to smile at it though but completely failed, just giving up and slouching as he shrugged.
"More like they don't even remember."
So now Tim is concerned and confused, but much to his luck, the tour is over and the Casper students are leaving. He's worried about his new friend, even if they exchanged numbers, so he goes down a rabbit hole. Not only does he find suspicious stuff about this small town that was heavily deleted from many things, but he finds that Danny has a sibling. It's evident to him they're also trans from the few pictures before and after but the sibling's name isn't anywhere to be seen so he tries to dig deeper.
He pauses before going further down though to respond to some of Danny's messages. But his sleep deprived brain decided 'let's just ask'. So he asks a bit of questions about Danny. Like what's his town like? Any other family? Are they fine with you being trans, because he'll totally beat anyone who's not, etc. Danny answers them and in turn asks about the Waynes, mainly because Danny is not entirely convinced Bruce himself isn't weird like Vlad, but he does acknowledge that he's at least not evil.
Eventually Danny offhandedly mentions Jazz is trans to, and Tim being the detective he is is like "huh..." and asks if his parents were accepting of Jazz too. It's a while before he responds but Danny just says;
"They don't remember we are trans...so no problems or anything with it..."
Tim doesn't get the chance to say anything about it as Danny asks about something about him being poly and what his dad and siblings thought. Of course he replied but his mind was also reeling from the fact that Danny's parents literally don't pay attention to their kids enough to not realize both kids are trans.
They keep in touch and Tim puts investigating on the back burner some since while kinds neglectful they seem to be decent enough parents.
He regrets that though as Danny doesn't message him for nearly a month. It worries him enough to put that investigation back to the forefront. Of course he finds osha violation city in the Fenton's house, as well as the actual paranormal activity happening. What concerns him the most is that apparently the town hero, a ghost boy, is missing...from around the same time Danny stopped messaging.
It's a week into trying to find Danny that he gets a message from his number, except it's not Danny. It's Jazz. She asks Tim if Danny had gone to him, she was trying everyone since no one knew where he was. This sparks a big ol search.
Danny meanwhile ended up with a hero (any but Clark or Bats cuz we want some rarer family dynamic, the good juice) after crash landing, most literally, right by em. The hero, I'm thinking Hal or Barry idk, is too busy trying to help this random powerful teenager who was bleeding way too too much to not have some regeneration ability.
After some drama of trying to find Danny, and Jazz, Tucker, Sam, and Tim knowing identities(Danny's included) because Tucker accidentally hacked around and found out, hero parent of Danny shows up with said boy closely in tow to a meeting after their surprise break from league work and Tim just jumps up and doesn't even remember that Danny doesn't know his identity.
Danny panics initially but quickly realizes it's Tim and finally gets back in contact with Jazz and all of his friends/classmates who had most definitely stormed a GIW lab in his absence. The league is confused and it's a whole mess before Danny trauma dumps on em and Tim as RR just admits this all started because he saw the trans pin.
My brain is rambling too much for this now, but basically lotta trauma, the league appalled and Danny getting a good family after everything is settled. His classmates so visit him and Tim, Kon, and him date because I feel like Danny would meet him, learn he's a clone (after being very gay for a moment) and just be like "heck yeah, my younger sister is a clone" which also caused more panic but like gay trio.
I'm gonna go sleep now, enjoy the angst and randomness this blurb is-
Remember these are free to take and do whatever you please with them, it's just random ideas/thoughts that I have but don't plan to do anything with for the foreseeable future!
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kingofmyborrowedheart · 5 months
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I’m sorry but you can’t cry “human rights violation!!!!” when you are actively carrying out a campaign of genocide.
#sorry but it doesn’t work like that!#you can’t decry humans rights violations of a group that doesn’t even represent a majority of innocent people (by the way)…#…if you are actively carrying out a genocide under the thinly veiled guise of going after that group#Genocide which is y’know one of the greatest violations of human rights since it seeks to completely eradicate one group of people.#like there are innocent people being caught in the crosshairs on both sides#not everyone living in Israel or who is Jewish supports the Israel government’s bombings of Gaza#not every Palestinian supports Hamas or condones their brutal attacks on innocent civilians#but to try and conflate the actions of a militant group to represent the thinking of all of the citizens and be an excuse to destroy them…#…isn’t right and deserves to be held accountable#also stop acting like there is not a massive power imbalance present#Israel has the Iron Dome and their own military forces and funding from the U.S.#Hamas has missels and stock piled resources from funding from Iran#Israel controls the food water fuel and medicine access to those that have been forced to live in Gaza#they are not in any way shape or form on equal footing which doesn’t make this a ‘war’#I can’t wrap my head around the fact that one of the groups persecuted in one of the most horrifying genocides is currently conducting…#…a genocide on another group of people#the rhetoric of gov’t officials from Israel dehumanizing innocent civilians points to the fact that this isn’t about retribution#but to conduct a genocide#if you don’t think that the current actions of the Israeli government aren’t wrong and are supporting it you can unfollow and block me!#like it’s not black and white but the actions that are currently happening are not acceptable
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ghost--bot · 2 months
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this is the dedication i want to see in my followers. and by dedication i mean madness
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godsprettiestprincess · 4 months
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Oh no plot has snuck up on me — mistranslation error where Lucifer is gifted a “bed warmer” as a diplomatic thing and completely misses the horny implication for the “it is very cold where I live” potential and ends up freaking out & then seriously blue balling whoever it is when no sex is had for weeks on end
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trannywoofwitch · 4 months
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Cis allies are obsessed with the whole "no you were always a girl/boy" thing when it comes to trans people because of the comfort it gives them that gender isn't mutable or fluid.
They've adjusted the rules of gender to allow for "some people are born this way, and some are born this way" but they are still terrified of the idea that your experience of gender can change, or even worse, be something outside of the gender binary.
Everyone who is a girl, trans or cis, has to have always been that, because if someone can have been a boy, have fully identified with that, have spent time as that, and then changed, that means it could happen to anyone. And it also means that there might be in-between points, or external points for your identity to exist in, and that can't happen, cause that would destroy the whole concept of gender.
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mostlykind · 6 months
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how do you stay hopeful when every powerful force is against you, and mainstream media yields to their wants and needs, when every step forward is met with brutalisation forcing you 10 steps back, and sympathy is only extended to the oppressor
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theamazingannie · 11 months
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I’ve literally had multiple people ask me straight to my face if I was bisexual because they suspected I was and even tho I knew in all three of those situations that the person I was talking to was safe (either queer themself or an ally), it was really scary to be forced in that moment to come out without my consent, or feel forced to lie about it in order to protect myself, regardless of whether I needed to or not. I can’t imagine being a world famous celebrity and having fan pages dedicated to my alleged sexuality, analyzing every behavior I did and whether or not it was queer, calling all of my relationships PR relationships or beards because they are so convinced I am a homosexual. Either erasing my bisexuality to call me a lesbian or forcefully outing me. People who don’t even know me. It’s scary and honestly creepy enough having someone who knows you personally do it, but someone who’s never even met you? And doing it in front of the whole world? I would never feel safe enough to come out, not just because of the risk of homophobic attacks, but because the people who claim to support me are the ones that made me do it
#taylor swift#Gaylors are the worst and nothing will convince me otherwise#also can be applied to those who forced kit Connor to come out#and the people who harrass Shawn Mendes and call him gay#most of not all of the people doing this are queer themselves#how can you be queer and take that autonomy away from your peers?#and this is all implying that the rumors are true#not to mention the harassment of if it’s not and you’re calling a straight person gay simply because you feel like they are#like this is actually horrifying to watch#and i imagine most of these people are young#who grew up in a world that didn’t entirely accept them#but who had it so much easier than older generations did#or people like me who grew up in church towns with Republican parents#no matter how accepting the world gets you do NOT get to take that choice away from someone else#you don’t know what their life is like#you don’t know the horrors of having your secrets splashed on the news front page#tabloids are bad enough but to have tour own fans propel this?#i feel like she doesn’t see all this or if she does it doesn’t affect her cuz she’s not actually queer#cuz I know as a queer woman I would never be okay with this#ESPECIALLY if I was not out#god i hate them so much#and the way they turn around and call US homophobic?#Im not the one forcefully outing someone and fighting with people online swearing that someone they don’t know is gay#despite them saying themself that they are not part of the community#how about let’s trust her and let her figure shit out herself?#no speculation is okay and we really as a whole need to stop it#but this has so much added layers that this in particular needs to be addressed
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vipier · 21 days
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a kiss shared on a rooftop while the sun sets .
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, TRISTAN ISN’T WHOLLY SURPRISED TO FIND THAT CASSIAN HAS CHOSEN TO ESCAPE TO THE ROOF THIS TIME. truth be told, it’s perhaps even more obvious than some of the places he’s previously chosen to hide away when he’s gotten his hands on yet another datapad that he knows perfectly well will infuriate tristan to discover. the kids initially tipped him off about the holonews and cass’s location — he won’t tell bix and brasso this time, but it’ll be a conversation between the two of them later, something about essentially taking candy from a baby — and instead of taking the more easily detectable route through the house, tris had chosen to scale the outside wall. ( despite plenty of war wounds and the fact he’s pushing 40 now, he’s still got it. ) swinging over the low wall on the far side of the rooftop, he lands on silent feet and his gaze meets cassian’s back sitting in a single chair on the other side, hunched over what he’s certain is one of the kids’ datapads in his lap. he doesn’t have to guess what he’s watching. the thought makes him ache, despite himself — his lover obsessing endlessly over what they might play on the holonews, what glimpse of himself he might catch however unflattering, what whisper of the rebellion’s accomplishments, any mention of nefarious activities to threaten their new republic — and yet he’s always known the man he’d chosen, even well before the war ever came to their doorstep.
although cassian doesn’t turn, tris knows he must sense him there, and he wonders if the lack of acknowledgement arises from shame or simply avoidance of what has historically always become a fight between them. a sigh pulls through his pursed lips and he lifts a hand to rub at the back of his neck as he considers. their conflicts since returning to ferrix have largely circulated around cassian’s utter inability to let it go — the realized dream of rebellion, the agonizing cut of betrayal that had followed, the sudden absence of great and noble purpose. but despite his protestations, tristan must admit that he expected nothing else from the man he loves. cassian would not be his cassian if he were anything but what he is, has always been. and for that, tristan adores him, even as he realizes that he alone will never be able to fully satisfy him. cass will never truly be at peace with a small life, building something for just the two of them without some greater purpose. ten years ago, it had been a much more difficult pill to swallow, but despite all of his foolish hopes, tris has privately accepted that truth by now. for as much as he mourns the life they deserve to have, there’s little he won’t sacrifice to keep whatever remains of the other man, whatever can truly be his, the way all of himself belongs to cass.
he has no energy to fight today, he finds, even as he draws closer on silent feet. the buzz of the holonews becomes audible and he watches as cass’s shoulders draw almost imperceptibly together, as if preparing for the inevitable conflict. something indescribable grips his throat and he tries in vain to swallow it down, hesitating briefly before closing the distance and reaching out a hand to run his fingers through cass’s thick hair. under his touch, he feels the other man shiver once — barely there, but enough for the one who knows him best to sense easily. if any fight still lingered in him, if any part of him were still willing to fight over the goddamn datapad, that’s all it takes for the motivation to evaporate ; tristan practically feels himself melt from where his fingers meet cass’s scalp, and another sigh escapes him as he gazes over the other man’s shoulder to the loop of new republic news emitting from the electronic in his hands.
“ baby, ” he delivers the rare endearment practically in a whisper, with an aching sort of earnestness, gentle and near desperate as he moves to stand in front of him. his hand cups beneath cassian’s chin to tilt it up to look at him, even as the other man avoids his eyes. that sensation rises in tris’s throat again and he frowns softly, ghosting his fingers over that sallow cheek. ( despite endless urging, tristan can tell he still isn’t eating quite as he should. ) “ baby, come on, give it here, yeah? ” his fingers close around the datapad, and to his surprise, he meets no resistance as he pulls it from cassian’s grasp, switches it off, and sets it to the side. for his part, cass still doesn’t quite meet his eyes and tris feels his heart stumble slightly before he sinks into the other man’s lap, looping his arms around his shoulders. automatically, his face presses against cass’s temple and he breathes him in as cass’s arms settle around his middle, careful at first before tightening, as though he wasn’t aware of just how much he’d needed it until that moment. “ take a rest. please. for me, kassa. ” his lover’s breath shudders against his skin. tristan knows he’s asking a lot, given how many fights they’ve had about this very habit of cassian’s, given the number of broken datapads already lay in their wake.
the gold of the setting sun illuminates cass’s face as finally he lifts it enough to meet tristan’s gaze. perhaps he’s surprised that tris isn’t scolding, that he shows no interest in a fight today. perhaps it’s relief. but either way, the brief flash of vulnerability there melts him and he cups his rebel’s jaw securely in one hand as he watches him intently. in his eyes, tris sees all of the versions of themselves they’ve been throughout the years, each one more complex and infuriating and invigorating than the last. boys on the edge of beginning maturity, yelling at and speaking to one another in different languages the other couldn’t understand. a pair of eighteen year olds bickering constantly to conceal an insidious mutual attraction. cassian at twenty with sheepish eyes once again turning up at tristan’s door with half a bottle of liquor after being kicked out of his own house, the drinking loosening tongues and inhibitions until they fell into each other for the first time. twenty-seven year old tristan fighting with all his might against cass’s newly born notions of rebellion while knowing all the while he would follow him anywhere, becoming a ghost and enigma to a crew that would never quite take to him. thirty-one and clawing himself open for months, self destructing over the sickening reality that cassian andor was dead. thirty-four and watching cassian slowly break apart as the ideals he gave his life for turned their back on him. now, pushing forty, holding each other on the very planet where it all started, baptized in all their sins, all their betrayals, all the love spilled out between them through the years. years sacrificed to denying the energy between them. months wasted pushing each other away after petty fights and arguments. days happily given to brief sojourns of leisure in precious few moments of relief between missions. hours lost between sheets, melting into one another until it was unclear where one ended and the other began. always, in the end, they have found each other somehow, despite years of damage, of hurt, after the myriad ways they’ve nearly destroyed one another.
cassian. cass. kassa. all the same to him, the same complicated, beautiful, compelling, ridiculous man he’d chosen half a lifetime ago. he knows him to his very bones, every inch in mind and body, the same way he’s finally accepted that cassian knows him. tris could look at anyone else in pain and feel nothing ; but the lost look in cass’s eye, desperate, almost fearful, sinks its claws deep into his gut. he wants nothing more than to take it away, to give his lover purpose again — but experience has already taught him that he can’t. he alone will never be enough to give his rebel purpose. no one person ever could be. at times, that reality still hits like a mallet to the gut. ( bix sees it, tris knows, the way he sometimes yearns for cassian to come to his senses, to seize the life they could have together. ) but age brings with it an understanding he never had in his foolish youth. he chose this man. he could not have chosen another. and he chose him for all of the things he is — not because he projected his own desires upon him or wished to unmake him into someone else. what has not changed in all these tumultuous years is that tristan would still follow him anywhere, as true now as it had been twenty years ago, as it will be in another twenty.
in moments like these, he sees the apology in cass’s eyes, the words he knows he will never quite say. if anyone could be enough, it would be you, it would always be you. and for all tristan wishes they could disappear into a small life, it is enough to know at least that much is true. cassian loves him, and to desire more would be madness of a sort to which even tristan patel refuses to descend. they have this, and they will always have this. his head tilts finally and their mouths meet naturally, without hesitation, all chapped lips and gentle tongues and the musk of bix’s shop and the flavor of salted melon tris picked up on his way back from the yard. a sound that borders on a whimper escapes tristan as cassian lifts an arm to anchor along the length of his back, diagonally from shoulder to hip, to pull him closer. for a delicious moment, he can practically taste the excitement on his lover’s tongue, and in a haze of delight, he reminds himself to use endearments more often. “ bring me to our room, love, ” he manages to murmur against him without pulling away, “ and I’ll make you forget all about that new republic swill for a little while. ”
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pharawee · 2 years
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My Secret Love, Episode 2
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slocumjoe · 10 months
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hey uhhh i went thru ur oc post history and u said gus set himself on fire?? pls context
I love this character because whenever someone asks about him I always have to take a deep breath and get comfortable and suck a breath in through my teeth. I treat him so poorly
More Gus lore, because that specific event is actually tied to the very first event that would fuck him up forever, so I can't really talk about it without going in depth.
This is explaining the core tenent of Augustijn's story, which is guilt and its dangers. Basically, where that constant guilt came from, and how it...turned out for him...
It turns out okay. Just...takes 200+ years, an apocalypse, a divorce, and his son dying! 🥳Yay🥳
Tw; Religious trauma, child abuse, suicide, drug use, cannibalism, mental illnesses, and yet another suicide attempt.
So, some background, Gus's mom, Emma, was a fanatic catholic and generally Bat Shit about religion. As you might imagine, this is the Direct Source of both Gus' questionable worldviews, traumas, and his biological inclination to uuuhhh bad Head Times.
Emma was raised mildly religious, but she...took to it too hard? Her family was not the cause of her obsession, Gus's grandparents and uncles/aunts over there actually cut her off at one point, because she was starting to worry them but reaching out led to her lashing out. So, they just...backed off. Emma herself was a simple, homebody woman, who wanted to be at home raising her kids, and tending her garden. She would have been this way even without the religious thing.
But Emma and her side of the family were prone to addiction, see? And religion became her point of fixation and obsession. This could have still been okay, if not for the church she went into. A catholic church in the Hague that was known by all for being kind of fucking out there, even by other hardcore Catholics. This was one she went into, and even her grandchild 240+ years later would feel the ripple of this decision.
Emma goes into church and gets gnarly ideas about how life works. Its a woman's duty to have kids and raise them, to be good to her husband and her house, to listen and obey her men. Sin is inevitable and everyone does it, only those that admit and accept punishment can get another chance at Paradise. God knows every action you take and he does not care for the context, he only cares about the action. There is no "well, but" under the Lord.
Emma has mental illness, some kind of depression and anxiety, so this Big Brother Watching And Judging fucked her up. Especially since her church, in particular, was physically abusive if you did not confess to anything during confession. They thought if you had nothing to confess, you were lying.
At this point, she's met and engaged to Theodore Reinier, a rich heir to a European manufacturing company. He's pretty, a gentleman, and best of all, rich, so she can have as big and luxurious a garden as she wants. She likes him. She does not love him. She's in her twenties and unmarried with no kids, and her poor family needs to be taken care of. So she marries him. Theodore is smart enough to see this for what it is, and kind enough to allow it. He lets his wife do her own thing and treats her as a friend, rather than a lover. She hates this, she wants to be a wife (she doesnt). She wants kids, he gives her one. Augustijn. This birth goes rough, and she's told no more children.
Theodore makes one rule; August goes to a different church, or he does not go at all. Theo really didn't like Emma's church and he certainly wasn't exposing his kid to that shit.
Emma pretends to agree and takes Gus to That Church. Theo doesn't attend, so he doesn't know this is happening until much later. Gus gets all the same nasty shit Emma does. Theo learns of this when he sees Gus covered in bruises from confession beatings. This puts a huge rift between him and Emma, and he pulls all the strings he can to have her church shut down.
Emma grows to resent and hate Theo and Augustijn for not being the perfect husband and child she deserves as a good, God fearing house wife. Augustijn is left to his nannies, Emma hides away in her private garden, fuming. Theodore tries to bond with his son, but Emma's poisoned that well.
Emma tells Augustijn about demons, to fear them. She specifically tells him about church grims, demons that hunt around churches in the form of a dog to drag sinners to hell. She says this as she's admiring her new obsidian dog statues for her garden.
Eventually, Emma goes yellow wallpaper and loses her mind, and is sent to therapy and put on medications. Augustijn loathes his father for his mother's state. Theodore just wants his friend and son okay. But Emma, as she's out in town, coming back from therapy, she stops at a friend's house while the friend isn't there, and hooks up with the woman's husband. Friend's husband was stern, strict with his wife, God fearing, and generally an obnoxious 50s ideal shithead husband. Everything Emma wanted. This wasn't out of nowhere, it was brewing in the background. She knew both of them from her old church.
Emma goes home, and finally having a reason for the guilt that's always plagued her, elects to acknowledge her sin. She drowns herself in the pond of her garden, stared down by three dark, ruby-eyed dogs, overseeing her passage into the afterlife. Her young son comes into the garden to meet his mother, after she's been gone all day, only to find her in a red pool. He looks up into the eyes of the dogs. He remembers nothing of this incident, blocking it out and having been too young to understand.
Years pass, and Augustijn turns to drugs as well, though his come from the darkest parts of the Hague, rather than a doctor. He turns to sex, to crime, to anything he thinks will either corrupt him so much he doesn't care, or will finally make his guilt feel justified. He wears his mother's cross necklace through it all, and sees her beloved dog with every sin.
Augustijn goes to America for college, to Harvard, studying to become a pastor himself. (This is maybe the most terrifying part of him, the fact that he almost got it). But he doesn't feel satisfied with it, has a moment of clarity and realizes he isn't fit to preach anything. The grim certainly doesn't think so. He instead follows his only friend, Isadora, into the military. The US government allowing their soldiers to do chems means his failed drug tests don't matter.
Augustijn becomes a sniper. He has always hurt people, excelled in it, but taking life frightens him, because he knows he has no right to decide who lives or dies, not like this. But he's in China, and he's told to kill. He does, and he's very good at it. His teammates marvel at just how scrappy and determined he is, like a weed, a mold.
The Biandukou Pass Incident occurs. He eats his entire team, trapped in a Chinese mountain range during a blizzard.
Delirious from almost two months of surviving on nothing but psycho and human flesh, Augustijn is let loose back into Boston, honorably discharged. His lingering hallucinations from his Daytripper addiction, mixed with psycho withdrawal, trauma, guilt, shame, the fear of God—everything culminates. He looks up and sees the figure that has haunted him since that one, awful day; the church grim, staring expectantly.
His mother drowned herself, so he thought it fitting if he set himself ablaze.
#ss; alter#I hate to put a word to his specific illness because you always get people like 'this isnt what i think this is like so pls die'#but i imagine he'd be diagnosed with hppd#hallucinogen persisting perception disorder. basically lingering effects of hallucinogenics after use#the point of emma is that she did not ever see past the shit#Augustijn gradually learns how to reject his guilt and view himself objectively#and comes to see how he was hurt and how he hurt others. and accepts that he has a right to feel hurt but an obligation to be better#emma doesnt. she never would have even if she survived her attempt#its like. you only feel guilt because its a concept put into you#and emma taught him guilt. always feel dirty and shameful.#but. she didnt feel guilty. not really. she was confident in all of her actions and never once hesistated#she thought it was guilt just because she knew how it would look to other people. thats not guilt thats awareness.#she wasnt guilty she feared repercussions.#meanwhile her son grew up always ashamed and horrified at himself and was desperate for any kind of comeuppance#not to make it okay because he knew it wouldn't. but because he deserved it#accountability and justice are also big concepts in gus' character. the idea that someone becoming better and earnestly doing it#is better and more worthwhile than them suffering for their actions. this comes up with the Institute and Isadora#anyway if any of you come at me bitching about portaying a woman as abusive im biting#'joe no one does fhat' they literally do. its happened to me before. yall say you support womens wrongs until theyre abusive moms#anyway. fun fact; being beaten during confessions is why gus cant admit when hes done wrong for like 30 years. its a trauma/trigger#gus really is just. 'how do i process what happened to me without losing my mind'#and he lost his mind. but he does everything he can to find it again. because he doesnt want to feel this way anymore
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the-ultimate-junkyard · 11 months
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SIGN UP TO REWRITE THE SUN AND THE STAR
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kuroshirosb · 4 months
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I’m so obsessed with my Serena concept btw
Transfem weird girl number one. Runs a YouTube channel talking about creepypastas and internet rituals and just obscure things that a normal person would find creepy. Definitely had made top tens before.
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cakemoney · 1 year
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thinking about the whole robpat!batman movie’s thesis being “shit. fuck. turns out this whole time the legacy of my rage and vengeance-fueled vigilante justice has been enabling domestic terrorism by entitled white men. all along what this city needed and what i needed was healing and extending our hands to our neighbors instead of continuing the cycle of trauma and violence” like the movie put their whole chest into that. it looked at their audience and said to their face “you guys never actually understood what batman is about. you saw the dark brooding aesthetic and the toxic masculinity and the individualistic lonewolfism and you see that as something to aspire to, when the point of batman was always Corruption And Evil Exists Within Those With Power And Money Not In Mental Illness, and by missing that and making it all about yourself you became the villain of this story.” in theaters right in front of batman stans. no wonder robpat was cast for this like i’ve never seen someone pull off self-loathing white man so naturally
#laughs awkwardly#sorry i watched black adam recently (long story) and like. i can't help but feel like the subversive parts of it#just weren't as strong as how it felt to watch a batman movie where batman had to beat the crap of his own fans#like [SPOILERS] black adam wanted to be self-aware about superhero films and wanted to point out the american propaganda#inherent to the concept of 'international justice' but because it was primarily pulled off through funny quips it felt like it didn't COMMIT#(felt very marvel in that respect actually)#like yes your main character told off the western superheroes for the hypocrisy of their 'peace' efforts but then... what?#in the end the westerners were still the genuine and helpful people they claimed they were. the main characters had to trust them to survive#in the end the self-actualization of an oppressed people felt hollow because we barely spent any time with them during the story#in the end the people's chosen hero turned out to be not who they thought he was and his character turning point to become a hero was...#he magically knew to break out of an underwater prison? honestly that part was a little confusing to me but extremely horrifying#like this guy basically explicitly said 'you should kill me. that's what i want' AND THEY JUST DID NOT DO THAT#like obviously i know he needed to come back since the movie was about him but like. damn. way to not at all respect his autonomy#he said 'i should die' and they went 'haha but instead we're gonna put you in storage forever so you never reunite with your family in death#HORROR. THE MOST DYSTOPIAN SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN. YOUR BODY IS NOT YOUR OWN IN CASE WE FIND IT USEFUL LATER#WE'RE SO PEACEFUL THAT WE CAN NEVER ACCEPT [GASP] MURDER BUT ANY OTHER VIOLATION OF YOUR CONSENT IS FINE#HOW WAS THIS BRUSHED OVER SO CASUALLY#WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT BEFORE#yeah you know what i don't really know where i was going with this either. i just had Thoughts#like did i think the rob!patman the movie took itself so seriously it was accidentally kind of comedic? yeah for sure#but because they took it seriously it felt like the element of metacommentary was sincere. like i can also take it seriously#i keep thinking about that scene where rpatz was interrogating the riddler and the horror that dawns on him#because he's looking at this man who idolizes batman but despises bruce wayne and realizes Oh God That's Me. This Is What I Created#like shit dude i don't think superhero films necessarily should or must be Deep in an Artistic way but i can give them props for trying?
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nalgenes · 5 months
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i was having so many upset thoughts all day and now i’m tired and the thoughts have kinda faded but i’m still thinking about how much i hate this country
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