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ohmytamara · 5 months

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Today's memory is sponsored by words like: degradation, humiliation, loss of self worth and dignity.

I am trying to get across my year of being owned as truthfully as possible and I'm starting to realize how general theme of it gets lost in details. Way I slipped downward was so gradual, it was impossible for me to admit I'm in abusive relation until, many months in, I woke up on the floor with my ankles chained, locked inside the room, shouted at and blamed for Master losing temper, not remembering how I got black eye. And still, after working through all, how much money I owe due to taking a loan for them, how far away from home I am (in foreign country), after measuring my self worth, deciding that I'm in bad situation but I can do nothing and will stay in it.

I am able to, more or less, divide that time on episodes, each having a milestone of realizing further I'm mistreated, and/or being coerced or deciding to push through another point of no return.

1. Series of entries: giving away all my books and most of my clothes to enter her house with as little owned stuff as possible; living in with her; giving her my debit card and access to internet banking and so to my account; redirecting my earnings to her account anyway.

2. Taking huge loan for her, kind that requires monthly installments for next 10 years; losing my job soon after and focusing on domestic service and assistance to both her and Master

3. First huge mindfuck that involved punishment for following her order, gaslighting and expressing her will to break my hard limit; at that point I lose my trust in her and consider my options, limited by what happened at stage 2.

4. She leaves me alone for 3 days locked in badly fitted chastity, without spare keys; that hurts badly d'oh; at that point I lose trust in abilities as dominants of both of them.

5. While I consider my options she pushes on: we will move out of the country abroad. I'm to find new job in Bratislava - I do, I will work customer support in corporate bullshit; day before moving out I try to discuss trust issues with her and fail; seriously consider breaking up, but decide to stay. We move to Slovakia.

6. In new place I work regularly 9 to 5 and build my OF site after hours. Earnings go to her account of course.

7. After some disagreement, I don't remember what, she punishes me by breaking my hard limit: sc@t; after I'm braving through it she lets me stay.

8. Punishments are happening after each complaint of mistreatment; when I lose my subspace and stop caring enough to fear her, arguments devolve into shouting and hitting; she has bad temper and no patience, Master plays the role of conciliator; he probably directs punishments into being less severe but more limiting my future options; after one argument I'm thrown out for a week (with no money, Master is kind enough to buy me a place in hostel) and made to beg to allow me to return; i got no money and no stuff, what can I do? First happening like that leads to breaking my mentioned hard limit;

9. Second punishment like mentioned above is starting to whore me out; that was her plan all along but by decreasing my options and self worth as described Master and her actually made it my preferred, less painful and less humiliating form of punishment; I become an accomplice; how can I back out if I chose it? My extra-curricular works increase: now my after work duties include being house maid, OF and being pimped.

10. In the meantime she tries to gaslight me, by claiming I'm schizophrenic; in fact I'm clinically depressed trans with body dysphoria, but she pushes me to accept I have split personality; she can't but oh the wonders it does to my trust in her.

11. To avert me slipping away (all the punished fits of my discontent) she orders me to come out as submissive owned woman to one of my past vanilla friends; this is supposed to cement her ownership over me by alternatively being pushed away as a freak by my friends or expanding my domestic role over more of my life; plan backfires: person I contact turns out to be not so vanilla, we create a bond, first time someone's kind to me while accepting who I am; we meet while Mistress still hope I will be ridiculed or at least fucked into submission; instead something sweet happens; after returning Mistress punishes me hard while gaslighting me into thinking she protected me from harm; I don't believe it but pretend to, to avoid pain; she threatens that person online; person understandably blocks me online for her safety.

12. In meantime covid pandemic roars; lockdown begins, my office is closed and I work online from home. Three of us are locked inside the house, tension is as high as can be. Hours I spend whored out increase. That includes an instance: a client I had doubts about but was pushed into taking by her, who turns out to be football hooligan; dangerous situation is resolved by Master by allowing him to have a freebie. I'm blamed.

13. Weeks of lockdown blow out after I'm punished by her for not waiting on my knees to greet her come back home; after she allowed me to go to sleep; I'm woken up by shouts and realizing I'm gonna be punished for sleeping I go into full blown hysteria panic attack, including hiding in bathtub, screeching and hitting back of the tub with my head. Master again deescalates. She ties me down blindfolds me and gags me for sleep on the floor. After Master goes to sleep she frequently comes to me to tell me to calm down, kick me, tell again to calm down, kick me, and so on sever times. Afterwards I'm punished by being sent to hostel again.

14. I'm allowed to return after taking second loan for her, even bigger than previous one.

15. She decides city is dangerous during covid and we will move to some small village far away from Bratislava. I'm to tell my boss I resign because I'm homesick. My whoring hours increase.

16. Another fit: she shows me someone's post criticizing her skill as professional Dominatrix. She expects me to agree with her. I remind her that indeed she forbade me to use her shower after pissing on me after our first encounter. She's angry, tells Master who does not understand our language, that I called her liar. I simply give up. As soon as I can I just crawl behind the sofa, curl into the ball and sleep there for next twelve hours. After I wake up and she sees me, she spits on me. Shouts. Master instead of deescalating as he usually do, shouts us both down, throws out my sleeping blanket screaming "Fuck your safe space" and throws all my belongings into the floor. After they both go back to sleep I slip out of the flat with knife in my backpack, going to the river shore planning to finish myself.

17. There I realize with big disappointment and some irony rubbed on it, that after all that happened, I'm still too afraid of pain to cut my veins and end it; after 5 hours with nowhere else to go I contact her. She does not believe, she thinks I'm blackmailing her emotionally by making up the attempted cutting. They let me return, we have a talk. Once again I'm to stay for a week in hostel, while they arrange our moving out to the village. Master possibly begins to believe I was serious after I take the knife out of my backpack to pack some clothes. She probably never does.

18. Week turns into 2 weeks while I refuse to take blame for the incident.

19. I say I am sorry. I move in with them. All my remaining "going out" clothes are stuffed into a backpack and locked up in the barn, save for one skin tight jeans to let me go for shopping once in a while. What's left for me are the most slutty, OF clothing. Now I am in with them in very small town, far away from all and everyone. Final stage begins.

20. Master's new idea for keeping me docile is to keep me intoxicated. He buys me cheapest strong beer and spikes each glass with vodka. At heights I drink up to 6 pints of that. Pimping go not as good here in the country as it did in capital city so we mostly film vids for OF, hers and mine.

21. I'm good at it by the way. My personal best was earning 500 euros in one day.

22. We're getting very busy. I'm assfucked at least three times a day. When wear begins to show, I'm treated with numbing cream and drink more. Master begins to act erratic. By then I'm more afraid of him then her.

23. My new sleeping space is on the floor on the blanket in living room, literally chained by ankles to the wall. There's a jar next to me if I need to go.

24. One day, when he's in more sinister mood than usually and she blames me for ruining perfect "rope family" after confessing to her I'm afraid of him when he drinks. I drink much more of that beer-vodka concoction than usually. At some point of shooting another scene, of which I don't remember much except being assfucked by her and whipped by him, I must have broken down. I only remember them shouting at each other and me lying on the bathroom floor. I know it was bathroom because floor was warm. Next thing I remember is sitting on the toilet, shouts close to me, and blood dripping into toilet bowl. After another blackout I wake up on my sleeping rag, hungover and chained to the wall. Locked up and alone. They return from shopping. Shout at me. Apparently he found me lying on the bathroom floor and I started screaming when he touched me, trying to hit him and telling him to go fuck himself. He hit me in anger - thus the bloody nose. All was my fault of course. Unlocked from the room but still with ankles chained, I'm allowed to the bathroom. I see my black eye. For the first time I think the thought: abuse. Afterwards I see the last video we produced, with me super drunk. For first time I think the thought: rape. I say I leave. She says go ahead, you can go now as you are. I look down. I'm naked and chained. I stay.

25. Above was the lowest point of my life. For rest of my captivity I stayed frightened of both of them. Though I knew for sure now I am badly abused and raped daily, I rationalized that if I allowed this to happen then I deserve it and I'm just happy it did not happen to somebody innocent. At my lowest I gladly agreed to search through dating site when Master ordered me to find ciswoman slave for him. While I wished to find nobody for him, part of me hoped for company.

26. That would continue who know into what lows if she did not decide, that my earnings as whore and OF performer are too low and I'm to return to my country alone, to resume working in hotel after lockdown ended. I still can't believe it. She had me completely broken, captive and devoid of self worth or will, and she let me go out of greed, assuming I'm broken enough to be controlled from 500km away.

27. How I finally cut ties with her afterwards would involve talking about person very dear to me, who well, well practically saved my life. I have no right to involve that person in my story though so please let that last chapter be unfinished.

So there's that. I will gradually fill out these stories with details, point by point. Currently we are at stage 2., so long way ahead of me as you see. Still I needed to work this through my head and to inform whoever reads this, what am I talking about, when I speak of abuse.

Girls and boys, just one last thought before I go. Please, this is not condemnation of a lifestyle. This is not condemnation of kink. After I returned to myself I fell in love with kink back again. I just have trust issues. Please, be verh aware of who you trust.

#year of living dangerously

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occult-roommates · 1 year

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Nobody likes you when you’re 23

Whelp, not only has it been a month since Dawud moved to San Myshuno, it’s also his 23rd birthday. He wasn’t planning on doing anything special, especially since it fell on a Thursday, but then Rudi insisted on going to a karaoke bar to celebrate these two occasions. Which Dawud wasn’t that looking forward to, especially since he doesn’t drink and he can’t sing, but whatever, he had nothing better to do that night.

Dawud: 23...Like...I know I’m not old, but still impressive I made it to 23 and without achieving anything. Charlie: Eh, at least you made it to 23. Meanwhile, call me a clothing store with a target audience of teenage girls, cause I’m forever 21. Daniele: And at least you became a vampire after becoming old enough to drink. Look at the bright side! Charlie: Wait a minute, aren’t you yourself only 20? Daniele: Yeah but not only do the bartender doesn’t know that, but I’m from Italy. I’ve been drinking wine at every dinner time since I was like, 9. Like, most countries have it at 18, not my fault if this place is backward.

Dawud laid his head against the table, in a mild sense of despair (and also from how loud and bright everything was). He knows all thing considered, he’s still young, and his situation is not all that unusual amongst people his age nowadays, but still. That’s not where he was expecting his life to go when he was put in a gifted kids class, skipped a grade, and then graduated high school early at the top of his class. And here he is now, a college drop out working as a janitor and living in an overcrowded apartment. At least he knows how to drive, but he doesn’t have a car so what’s the point then?

Daniele: You already look wasted and you only took one sip of your drink. Dawud: Even funnier and/or sadder is that there’s no alcohol in there. It’s sparkling apple juice. I don’t drink for religious reasons. Daniele: You’re regularly having premarital sex with a vampire, two things frowned upon in pretty much every big religions, and you constantly walk around the house half-naked even though you’re “insecure”. We both know you’re not that religious. Dawud: Clothes are uncomfortable and I still don’t wanna drink ok. Let me live. Akva: It’s ok, I’m not drinking either. Like, not only am I 19 but I’m also, you know, pregnant. Daniele: Oh so you’re keeping it? Damn, what am I supposed to do with the five miscarriage potions I made then? Charlie: I don’t think we would have needed that many potion anyway. Unless Kino is right and everyone in this house is somehow “with child”. Daniele: Yeah, Dawud, don’t feel too bad about what Kino said the other day. Like, they pretty much asked me the same thing when we first met, and when I said no they told me “but you have such beautiful child-birthing hips”. This was a little over a year ago and it still haunts me.

Akva took a sip of her cherry soda, and then confirmed that yes, she decided to keep it. Though she’s not really sure if she wants to raise the baby or put it for adoption. All of this because she managed to guilt trip herself by watching videos made by women with fertility issues, which might be the worst reason imaginable to have a baby, but at this point there was nothing to do. Her mind was made. Hopefully, this won’t be a mistake. After all, better to regret not having a child than regret having one.

Dawud: “The doctor said my mom should have had an abortion”. Charlie: Oh no, really? That’s kinda sad. Dawud: It’s from a song. I like early 2000s pop-punk. Makes me nostalgic even though I was just a toddler back then.

Rudi, who had just left the bathroom, heard this, and it gave them an idea. The friends were at a karaoke bar after all, and Rudi wanted to sing. Dawud and Charlie sat together, in front of the karaoke machine, next to Kino who was already watching other people’s performance. Charlie then sat on him, and kissed him, which he reciprocate with joy. It had been a few weeks already, but the young man still felt in awe over the fact that he kinda has a girlfriend now, even though they were both a bit hesitant to make this official. They literally met only a month ago after all.

Kino: Get a room. Rudi: Ok everyone, so since today my dear friend Dawud is turning 23, I’ve decided to sing for him What’s My Age Again by blink-182.

To show his approval, Dawud gave them a thumbs up. He was too busy shoving his tongue down Charlie’s throat to give a verbal sign. And as Rudi began to sing, he kept on doing that, while Kino sat there mildly uncomfortable.

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#the sims 4 #ts4 #simblr #sims 4 #the sims #sims community #sims 4 community #sims 4 gameplay #simblr story #occult roommates #dawud sahan #charlie yi #daniele rossini #akva singh #kino gurafee #rudi marron #long post #OcRo s1

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samethstarr · 2 years

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Prompt if you want it; a shy child is touring Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends looking to adopt their new forever friend

Hide and Seek - a Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends fanfic by someone who hasn't seen the show.

I have not seen Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends and wrote this with the limitation of knowledge from only the first page of a Google search, without clicking any links. Click here for more details. I am still accepting prompts.

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Hide and Seek

The sound of his knock on the door seemed to echo more loudly than Shane thought would be possible. He chuckled nervously as he waited for someone to open the door to the orphanage. He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing there, he clearly wasn't an orphan, but this definitely felt like where he was supposed to be.

He felt giddy; the same way he felt when his Mom took him to get a goldfish at the pet store and he was allowed to pick any one he wanted. Except the lady at the pet store scooped up the wrong one in the net and he didn't want to tell her she made a mistake. He was disappointed the whole way home, holding the wrong fish in a bag on his lap. He named it Geoff and even though it was the wrong fish they became friends. That was a very long time ago though, 6 months ago, and Geoff seemed to have better things to do than to be Shane's best friend so Shane stopped playing with him. Shane was too old for a goldfish anyway.

He knocked on the orphanage door again, and again there was no answer. Shane turned around and looked back, seeing the glow from his nightlight shining along the floor. He was too old for a night light, he was 9 years old, but then again he was also too old to be finding orphanages under his bed.

He turned back, looking up at the tall front door. He didn't want to knock again, he didn't want to be annoying. He was about to leave when he suddenly heard a muffled "Ready or not, here I come!"

There was no time to react, the door bust open and something blue shot out, knocking him over onto the ground in its haste, "Found you!"

Shane sat up, surprised. Right beside him was some sort of living blue pillow! The blue pillow also seemed surprised.

"You're not Mac!"

Shane didn't know who Mac was, or really how to respond to this awkward situation. "I'm…sorry?" He really was sorry, and quite embarrassingly so, but the blue pillow didn't seem to notice.

"I'm Bloo! Since I found you, you have to help me find everyone!" Bloo nodded, his arms crossed knowingly. "It's the rule. Come on!"

Shane didn't seem to have any choice as Bloo grabbed his arm and pulled him up and into the orphanage.

Several rooms seemed to blur past when they suddenly stopped next to a suspicious looking tall orange lamp, "Oh yeah!" Bloo said, "I don't know your name! Who are you?"

"Oh… I'm Shane" The tall orange lamp was staring at him.

"Shane, we need to split up. We won't find everyone if we don't!" Bloo didn't seem to notice the lamp even though it was right beside them. Maybe it was just a normal lamp anyway, expressive furniture wasn't an unusual feature in an old home, he saw that a lot on TV so this was probably the case. Still, it did seem a little odd. He didn't know of any lamp that wore sneakers.

Bloo was still talking, Shane realized, and he didn't want to interrupt, but also he wanted to ask about the lamp. He didn't want Bloo to think he was rude though, so instead of asking, he just reached over and touched the tall orange thing.

At his touch, the lamp jerked suddenly and started chuckling before starting to dart across the room, but it didn't get far before tripping over an untied shoelace, before bursting out into laughter.

Bloo was delighted, "You're so good at this game! You found Wilt!" he grinned, clapping his hands(?) with glee, "Come on, we need to find the others!"

The game carried on for another hour, and between them they were able to find a whole cast of creatures, from a rabbit that insisted he was not playing, to a fluffy demon whose nervous whispering gave him away. There were even other kids like him! With more and more of them searching, the more they found, and the more the group was laughing.

And then, suddenly, it seemed to be over. The boy Bloo mistook Shane for, a short boy with brown hair, did a quick count before declaring that one friend was still missing. Everyone turned to each other, mumbling, before the name "Geoff" started getting whispered around.

"Um.. I'm right here." Shane turned, his eyes going wide with recognition at the small figure hiding halfway in the doorway.

It was a little goldfish, half invisible, with one fin longer than the other and a quiet, shy frown. Around its head was a space helmet.

"Geoff!" Shane couldn't believe it, it was his goldfish, the one he had at home. Shane pushed passed a creature that was also a tree as he ran towards the fish, "Geoff what are you doing here?"

Geoff looked down to the floor, "I thought, since you didn't want to play with me anymore…" but then he looked back up, "But you came! You still want to play with me!" The fish's scales seemed to beam golden with his smile. "We can do your homework together again! And and, remember when you drew a picture of me, it was really good, and your Mom got mad because you drew a space hat on my fish bowl with a marker?" Geoff looked up at him expectantly, "We had so much fun, right?"

Shane was stunned. Yeah, they had had a lot of fun. He recalled the times he would sneak crumbs from his sandwich into the bowl for Geoff to eat, or the time he snuck downstairs in the middle of night because he heard goldfish could glow in the dark and fell asleep watching to see if Geoff would glow. Geoff was glowing now!

"I missed you!" Shane blurted out, hugging his fishy friend, laughing happily while the other friends around them clapped and cheered. He thought he heard the fluffy one, Eduardo, blow his nose as he happy cried.

"Let's go home!"

#foster's home for imaginary friends #fanfiction #Fanfic without Context

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kettlemouse · 3 months

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Aight, I really need to vent. Long post.

Back in the end of September, I went 14 hours away from my house to visit my grandmother with my father and brother.

And my father, brother and I have three cats, one each. We had asked hour neighbors to feed them and take care of them and they agreed.

We had only expected to be there for 8-9 days.

During that week, we decided we wanted to live in the same area as my grandmother and found ourselves a vehicle that should've helped us move from our shitty trailer house, but 5 hours in, the vehicle broke down and we had to leave it and have our grandmother drive give hours to pick us up and bring us back.

Then the money problems start happening.

For some clarification, I don't have my license and have severe anxiety on the road and I have been still living with my father at this point. He starts disappearing without answering our calls and sometimes didn't show up until the next morning. My brother and I soon learned that he started getting into the wrong crowd and ended spending thousands of dollars that was supposed to go into going back and moving.

One night, one of the neighbors kids attempt to cyberbully my brother who then sent screenshots to the father.

But things get worse because we get a call from the SPCA, saying that we have abandoned our cats and turns out—despite paying them through money transfer for cat food and litter—they had stopped caring for the cats and the place started to reek of cat piss when the landlord went to have a visit.

My dad then clears up that we had no idea our cats were getting neglected and start having family friends come over to socialize and take care of the cats.

My dad decided that we'd nmgo back by the end of the week and we were ready.

Come December 12th, I am trying to figure out with my grandmother if just her and I can go to pick up our cats and essentials when my dear friend tells me that my fucking cats were seized despite communicating that we'd be back soon.

The secretary of the landlord came to our place, took our cats and locked up the house all in one day.

Since then, my father has given up and is a fucking selfish prick, spending both my money and his money on stupid shit. I'm panicking because I'm trying to figure out how to get our cats back, and more and more is our father picking his needy fucking girlfriend over my brother and I's entire lives because we had very important information back there that would make us helpless in society if we were to lose it.

Eventually, my father finds help to get us a moving truck and we finally go, but if course his girlfriend throws a hissy fit 12 hour in the drive and delays things an hour.

Finally, we make it back and it doesn't smell like cat piss like we've been told, it smells like a shit ton of mold.

Anywho, my brother and I pack hour rooms and other things over the five days we were there and what is my father and his girlfriend doing? Sleeping all damn day every fucking day. And because of that, we lost hour chance to get a moving truck, had a shit Christmas of just packing.

I couldn't figure out how to do the dispute bs to get our cats back because I'm still new to everything and was a hella sheltered kid growing up, wasn't taught how to send a email or nothing. So since December 22, I had been calling the officer that was in charge of our cats' seizure, just trying to get some help or guidance because my father won't do shit anymore.

We have no choice but to come back to my grandmother's after cramming all we could in two small vehicles.

Come January 8th, I finally get a call back from the officer and she tells me she was on Holliday, she can't help me, told me to call the SPCA hotline and to stop calling her. So I manage to finally contact someone on the 10th and she told me that she'll email the dispute place about my situation and that they should call me.

Two days later, I'm still waiting for that call and it's officially been a month since my babies have been taken.

My father has completely switched from a responsible, living parent to treating my brother as a slave and throwing a hissy fit when things don't go his way, my teenaged brother has matured to an extreme amount but only because he was forced to with my father's negligence and immaturity, and I am on edge, I want my babies back, I wanna finally settle and I can't do that without my cats, and I can't help but feel so helpless because everything that needed to be done was only able to be done with my father's cooperation and he fucked that over.

If I loose my cats because of him, I am never forgiving him for the suffering he's put on me, my brother, my grandmather and my cats.

#vent post #vent #tw vent

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princeofgod-2021 · 1 year

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LIGHT OF LIFE 320

John 1:4

WHERE WE MUST DRAW LINES 2 – OBEDIENCE 2

1Pe 1:2 You are not forgotten, FOR YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN AND DESTINED BY FATHER GOD. THE HOLY SPIRIT HAS SET YOU APART TO BE GOD’S HOLY ONES, OBEDIENT FOLLOWERS OF JESUS CHRIST who have been gloriously sprinkled with his blood. May God’s delightful grace and peace cascade over you many times over! TPT

We have started talking about the things that can indeed divide us, apart from deliberate segregation or racism, and we are discovering that our sense of value and commitment to God can inadvertently create divisions.

These issues of commitment to God, could indeed be the instigators of the said segregation and racism.

Only those who come to Church but have no portfolio, can have time to segregate and slander.

Joh 4:34-35 Then Jesus spoke up and said, “MY FOOD IS TO BE DOING THE WILL OF HIM WHO SENT ME AND BRING IT TO COMPLETION.” As the crowds emerged from the village, Jesus said to his disciples, “Why would you say, ‘The harvest is another four months away’? Look at all the people coming—NOW IS HARVEST TIME! For their hearts are like vast fields of ripened grain—ready for a spiritual harvest. TPT

When a man can be so engrossed with God’s work, such that his hunger fades away, can he have time to sit down and talk about “celebrating our cultural and traditional diversities in Church?”.

No way!

The Church is not for focusing our differences but for harnessing our similarities and building them up.

Remember, the story above referred to Samaritans, whom the Jews didn’t like at all for some reasons.

Joh 4:9 The Samaritan woman asked him, "HOW CAN A JEWISH MAN LIKE YOU ASK A SAMARITAN WOMAN LIKE ME FOR A DRINK OF WATER?" (JEWS, OF COURSE, DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH SAMARITANS.) GW

But the commandment to preach the Gospel, totally eliminates the lines between all races, doesn’t it?

Eph 2:13-14 But now in Christ Jesus you who used to be far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ. FOR HE IS OUR PEACE, THE ONE WHO MADE BOTH GROUPS INTO ONE AND WHO DESTROYED THE MIDDLE WALL OF PARTITION, THE HOSTILITY, NET

This was why Jesus emphasized the parable of the Good Neighbour as being a Samaritan, taking care of a Jew, and why He specifically mentioned preaching to Samaria, as He ascended before His Disciples.

Act 1:8 But the Holy Spirit will come upon you and give you power. Then you will tell everyone about me in Jerusalem, in all Judea, IN SAMARIA, and everywhere in the world." CEV

Jesus could have said: “…in Judea and the rest of the world…” but he added Samaria because He knew the Jews were disgusted with them.

Beloved, you can’t be an obedient servant of God and be a racist or habour resentments towards anyone.

Next, let’s look at the life of our beloved “Prodigal Son” once more.

Luk 15:12-13 The younger son said to his father, 'GIVE ME NOW THE PART OF YOUR PROPERTY THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE SOMEDAY.' So the father divided his wealth between his two sons. "A FEW DAYS LATER THE YOUNGER SON GATHERED UP ALL THAT HE HAD AND LEFT. HE TRAVELED FAR AWAY TO ANOTHER COUNTRY, and there he wasted his money living like a fool. ERV

We must ask first: what was the life of the boy like, being at home with his father?

It’s simply shown here.

Luk 15:25,29 "HIS OLDER SON WAS IN THE FIELD. AS HE WAS COMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, he heard music and dancing… But he answered his father, 'ALL THESE YEARS I'VE WORKED LIKE A SLAVE FOR YOU. I'VE NEVER DISOBEYED ONE OF YOUR COMMANDS. Yet, YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN ME SO MUCH AS A LITTLE GOAT FOR A CELEBRATION WITH MY FRIENDS. GW

Beloved, there was a Job routine of going out to the field everyday and working till evening, yet under the direct and perfect instructions of the father.

All these without any certainty of daily reward or pleasure.

Luk 17:7-10 Jesus continued, “After a servant has FINISHED HIS WORK IN THE FIELD or with the livestock, he doesn’t immediately sit down to relax and eat. No, a true servant prepares the food for his master and makes sure his master is served his meal before he sits down to eat his own. DOES THE TRUE SERVANT EXPECT TO BE THANKED FOR DOING WHAT IS REQUIRED OF HIM? So learn this lesson: After doing all that is commanded of you, simply say, ‘WE ARE MERE SERVANTS, UNDESERVING OF SPECIAL PRAISE, FOR WE ARE JUST DOING WHAT IS EXPECTED OF US AND FULFILLING OUR DUTIES.’” TPT

Please read the above again and ask yourselves questions: are you a Disciple enough not to expect handouts from God regularly for services rendered; do you not “supplicate” for “reaping what you have sown”?

I won’t blame you though; you are probably just like the older Son, which implies indeed that the greater %age of Christians will crave for rewards.

Well, that was the life that the Prodigal Son got tired of.

Luk 21:34 "BE CAREFUL NOT TO LET YOURSELVES BECOME OCCUPIED WITH TOO MUCH FEASTING AND DRINKING AND WITH THE WORRIES OF THIS LIFE, or that Day may suddenly catch you GNB

Evidently, the older Son was concerned that despite all his labour for his father, he was never considered for a break and merriment.

But at least, he obediently served God with total commitment to His will.

You know, the Prodigal Son may even have discussed “daddy’s stinginess” with his senior bro but that one didn’t follow his example. Thank God for that.

It was wise to remain in active service, no matter what.

Luk 15:31 "His father said to him, 'OH, MY SON, YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH ME, AND EVERYTHING I HAVE IS YOURS. ERV

No reward is ever lost and Jesus never said because you didn’t ask or expect, you will not be rewarded, no!

The factor is: when will the reward come?

MOSTLY in heaven but PARTLY in this life.

Just take your mind off rewards and keep at the work. That is the spirit that most Christians are yet to develop in themselves.

1Co 15:58 So then, DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS, BE FIRM. DO NOT BE MOVED! ALWAYS BE OUTSTANDING IN THE WORK OF THE LORD, KNOWING THAT YOUR LABOR IS NOT IN VAIN IN THE LORD. NET

May God establish our hearts in His labour and may His Spirit console us always, in Jesus name.

Join us on Wednesday for more digging into scriptures as we proceed with this intriguing subtopic.

Keep Shinning!

Brother Prince

Monday, February 27, 2023

08055125517; 08023904307

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oflgtfol · 1 year

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ever since i spent months on end without being main cashier its like im seriously so miserable when im on register as main like i seriously want to explode it takes everything within me not to start copping an attitude at people and the real reason i feel like the joker about it is that they arent even doing anything wrong really its just the fact theyre a customer and interacting with me at all is just inherently annoying down to my very soul

im so sick of people being like sorry i cant hear you and its like i know i talk quietly but like 90% of people DO hear me when i talk in my customer service voice but the “i cant hear you” is just often enough to irk the hell out of me like do you want me to start screaming in your face HI HOW ARE YOU TODAY because it seems like no matter how loud i talk you bitches still cant fucking hear me im so damn sick of repeating myself it is bad enough having to do the normal cashier script without having to say “do you have a rewards phone number with us” TEN TIMES IN A ROW

and im so sick of saying next on register 6 and people just STARE at me as i am literally yelling st the top of my lungs and waving my hand and they just stare at me literally the next time this happens i might switch my register light to the flashing mode because what the fuck else am i supposed to do do you people just live in la la land i just dont GET IT

and i know i cant force people to sign up for rewards and on a personal non employee level i dont blame them because the emails you get are so spammy but like you can unsubscribe from the emails and yeah on an employee level its so irksome to have someone spend four hundred fucking dollars and they refuse to use a rewards account like bitch you can earn like $50 BACK ON THAT !! that is cray cray and they sit there deliberating and then decide no and each time it happens i feel my percentage tick ever downwards and its sooo. Grrr

And then that woman. No i dont want a rewards account. BUT CAN I OPEN A CREDIT CARD WITH YOU. WHAT WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN !!! the main appeal of a credit card is thst you earn 9% rewards back compared to the normal 3% so of course the card is only open to rewards members bc otherwise why would you even open a card w michaels if you receive no benefits from it? BUT NOT THIS LADY! REFUSES to give me her email and phone number for rewards but is so gung fucking ho about opening a damn credit card which yknow requires HOME ADDRESS. DRIVERS LICENSE. FUCKING SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. so not only does my percentage tick ever downwards but now whatever metric theyre measuring for credit card applications will also tick ever downwards

#I HATE. HATE. ringing on register #its ok when its like 7pm nowadays and barely anyone is around but before 7 i am biting i am killing i am maiming #literally words cannot describe the sheer frustration i feel sitting on register and talking to people #like just this boiling rage over the littlest things #its frustrating getting pulled aeay from importsnt stuff when im out on the floor also #but interacting w people on the floor is so much less strenuous becsuse its like #im actually Talking to them they ask me advice about projects and so i need to problem solve etc #but on register its the same monotonous bullshit do you have a rewards number with us no well i’ll just go die in a hole then #brot posts #i truly hate feeling like this i tend to be a calm easy going person #in terms of interpersonal stuff i like to think im slow to anger #but something about working on register. and driving also. those two things bring out the worst in me #i hate getting this frustrated over the stupidest shit but i for real am at my wits end after 5 minutes on register #and everything after that i am just barely holding on to my sanity

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eddievedders · 3 years

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Stood on the edge, tied to the noose You came along and you cut me loose.

#tedlassoedit #tedlassogif #Ted Lasso #Jason Sudeikis #Hannah Waddingham #bbelcher #dailyflicks #usernessa #usernessie #cindy-clawford #today is not Lasso day and that's just f*cked up #this probably has been done a thousand times already but i couldn't stop thinking about it so #how am i suppose to live for the next 9 months without them #my stuff #mine: believe

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i-cant-sing · 3 years

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Promise: Yandere Godfather Hawks x Todoroki reader

This is a side story takes place in the YRHR series, after part 1, when the reader returns home, blind.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

"Y/n... Come on, wake up. Its 9 already." You heard him say, feeling the bed dip as he sat on it, gently touching the back of your shoulder. "Aren't you hungry? Mom's making your favourite."

When you gave no response, Shotou pulled the covers away from your face, his brows furrowing at the bandages around your eyes that had loosened up. You had did that, clawing at the meticulously tight knot Natsuo had done; you didn't like how it settled on your eyes.

"You're awake, right?" The only answer he got was you turning your cheek further away from him when he tried to caress it. Shotou didn't like your silence and he missed it when you used to ramble about almost anything to him. He missed when you were happy.

The door bell rang.

Shotou looked at his watch confused. Wasn't Natsuo supposed to come around at 11? He could hear Enji walking to the main door, and after a few seconds of silence, he heard footsteps coming towards your room. But then he heard some scuffling, and people talking- he recognised Enji's and Dabi's voices, his brother's getting louder by the second.

"I'll check who's there. Stay."

Stay? You would've rolled your eyes if, you know, you still had them.

A few more minutes passed and you could hear Dabi arguing with someone, and you think that Shotou is trying to calm him down. Deciding to take advantage of the situation, you got up from the bed. For the past whole month, Shotou would come to wake you up everyday, carrying you in his arms to the bathroom, never letting you walk on your own, claiming "you'll get hurt".

Idiot.

Taking one small step at a time, you stretched your arms out trying to reach the wall. Once you felt the cold, smooth surface, you used it to guide you towards the door.

No matter what you did, or how many times you told them to back off, that you can do this on your own, they wouldn't let you. Hell, you were pretty sure that if they could, they would breathe for you too. As if trying to instil in your mind that you're helpless without them, incapable of making your own decisions.

I'll show them how fucking capable I am.

After stubbing your toe only once, you finally reached the door, your hand gripping the metal knob. You placed your ear on the door, trying to figure out who and where everyone is standing. The corridor seemed empty and you think everyone is downstairs.

Opening the door, you used another wall to guide you towards the stairs. You hoped Shotou doesn't see you; he'd throw a hissy fit at you attempting to walk down the stairs.

As you took one careful step at a time, you heard the commotion grow louder. You could hear Dabi yelling profanities at the other person, certainly not Enji because Rei or Fuyumi would've stepped in by now to stop him. You used to stop him too, but ever since what happened, you don't really care anymore.

"Why the fuck are you even here?! She doesn't fucking want to see you!"

"Dabi-!"

"And who is gonna stop me? You? I'd be happy to knock you down on your ass- its about goddamn time!"

"Hawks!"

Hawks?

Hawks.

Hawks!

You almost stumbled down the last few steps, but you needed to know- was he, was he really here?

"K-Keigo?"

You heard his wings flap before you felt him, the wind gushed at your body strongly, making you lose your balance. But muscular arms wrapped around you before you could fall, and the winged hero lifted you up and spun you around, making you burst into laughter.

Rei was the first one to cry.

You laughed.

Not a bitter, sarcastic one.

A genuinely happy laugh.

And she missed her baby's laugh so much.

Dabi's eyes widened slightly. His heart clenching up a bit as he realised how he missed that beaming look on your face. He realised how fucking naive you were, how you were his little sister that he needed to protect.

Shotou felt envy. Why- why didn't you laugh like that with him? Why didn't you laugh for him? Was he... not a good brother?

Fuyumi actually rushed out of the kitchen when she heard you, her hands coming up to her mouth to suppress the sob that was building up. Too long. It had been too long since you were happy.

Natsuo smiled. He smiled as he saw you chortle when the hero's feathers tickled your cheek. He wished you would smile more often.

Enji's breath hitched as he saw you chuckle into Hawk's shoulder. It was so natural, so lively, so radiant. He had been dying to hear that sweet sound again.

Your heart was beating fast and your stomach was doing somersaults as you felt the air rushing through your hair and cooling on to your neck, the soft feathers brushing across your skin.

He really was here.

But so were they.

And you could feel their eyes on you.

Keigo frowned when he saw you curl yourself into him, as if trying to bury yourself into his chest. When he looked around, he saw them glaring and that's when he puffed out his wings before curling them around you; shielding you.

"I'll be spending time with my goddaughter. Do not disturb us." And with that, Hawks flew you up to your room, locking the door before they could sat anything. He could hear Dabi arguing, but he trusted Enji to handle him.

He set you on your bed, chuckling as you didn't let go of his collar.

"Its okay, dove. I'm here, now- ow!" You cut him off by punching his arm.

"Where were you?!"

"In your heart- ow! Stop hitting me!" He caught your wrists.

"You said you were gonna visit me at home! Its been a whole month-"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry but believe me, I really was busy!" Sighing, he continued. "The hero commission sent me to Europe for a mission and things got a bit messy, so I got caught up."

Yanking your hands out of his grip, you scowled. "Would it have killed you to call?"

"I mean I wouldn't say kill, but I probably could've lost a limb or two-" He started laughing when when you began getting up to walk to the door.

Keigo wrapped his arms around you, smiling cheekily"Y/n- I'm sorry, I'm just kidding. Come back-"

"No, let go! I don't have time for your bullshit" He continued laughing, easily picking you up and dropping you back on your bed.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Come on, now. Stop being mad." You heard him shuffling. "Besides, I've got something for you!"

He dropped something in your lap. You picked an item, your hands feeling around it, trying to figure out what the rectangular shaped box was.

"Whats this?"

"Oh, here. Let me help you." He lifted the lid of the box and you were immediately hit by a familiar smell.

"Chocolate?"

He hummed in confirmation"Your favourite ones too! They were always sold out! Luckily, I was able to use my charm on the owner."

"Charm? Oh, you mean where you pull that ugly smirk and do that half lidded look with your eyes, and you think that you look hot but you actually just look creepy?"

"Yeah- hey!"

And then the next 3 hours were spent like that, Hawks telling you about Europe and the bad guys he caught, you telling him about the way your family had been treating you.

"They don't let me do anything, they don't give me any privacy! Its like- its like they want me to be a doll!" You gave an exasperated sigh. "They- they act like they are being so generous. Like it was somehow my fault that my eyes got fried!"

"Oh come on. They can't be that bad-"

"They are! So much worse than before. Look, I'm a grown up- I need my space too! You know what Shotou said when I asked him to get me a walking stick? He said I don't need one since he can carry me everywhere. Do you know how embarrassing it is to get carried to the toilet every single day? Do you?!"

"Well, no-"

"And then Fuyumi cuts up my food and spoon feeds me herself! I know I'm blind but its not like I'm gonna stuff the food up my nose or something!"

The hero snickered at that.

"And then Enji reads me these novels or the newspaper and he skips over the parts he thinks I'm too "young" or "immature" to understand! They even monitor what I listen to! Fuyumi or Shotou would be quick to change the channel if something above pg 10 comes on!" You ran a hand through your hair frustratedly. "I asked Enji to get me a Braille and the first few time he pretended like he didn't hear me, before finally saying that I don't need one!"

"Don't worry, I'll sneak in a Braille for dummies the next time I visit."

"Hey-! Wait... what do you mean "next time"?"

"Oh come on! I promise I'll come earlier next time. Maybe in like 2 weeks-"

"No."

"What-"

"No. I want to leave this place today. You promised."

"Y/n-"Keigo reached to place a hand on your shoulder but you pushed him off.

"You. Promised. You said you'll get me out of here when I leave the hospital" You inhaled deeply. "Well, guess what, Hawks? Its been a whole month."

"I know but you're not well enough-"

"I AM! If anything, staying here is harming me more!" Your tone was getting angrier. "You said- you said you would take me away from them."

"I can't do it right now. The hero commission needs me-"

"I need you! Or am I just not worth your time?"

"Please, dove- try to understand. How will I take care of you if I'm out at the agency?"He tried to pet your head but you smacked his hand away, snarling at him.

"You're a liar. A big fucking liar! Was this the plan all along? To give me hope that you'll save me, only to fucking crush it?!" The hero managed to dodge the box of chocolates you threw at him. "I don't need fucking chocolate or your stupid presents. I need to get out of this goddamn house!"

The hero began walking towards the door. "You're not thinking rationally- I'll- I'll leave." But before the hero could manage to take another step, you were leaping towards him, but since you couldn't see, you only managed to fall near his feet. When he grabbed your shoulders to help you up, you were quick to latch onto him, wrapping your arms around his torso tightly.

"No- no! Don't go. Please, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Please, don't be mad. I swear I'll behave, just don't leave me here!" Your hold onto him was becoming painfully tight.

Keigo felt like someone was breaking his heart piece by piece as he looked at you. The way your body shook from your pitiful sobs, the way you held onto his jacket as if your life depended on it- he was forced to remember how vulnerable you looked the night he brought you back to the this house. The same night when you begged and begged him to fly you away, that you'll do anything as long as he didn't dropped you back at the Todoroki estate.

"Y/n- darling, love, listen to me. I promised you that I'll keep you save, didn't I? I promise I'll come back soon-"

"YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DONE TO ME! SHE BURNED MY FUCKING EYES HAWKS! I'M FUCKING BLIND! DO I NEED TO LOSE A LIMB FOR YOU TO GET ME OUT OF HERE?! DO I HAVE TO SUFFER FROM ANOTHER "ACCIDENT"?!"

Hawks knew that bitch Rei did this on purpose, he knew and it killed him that he couldn't save you from her. He wanted to tell you that he believed you, and he was preparing a place for you. But the hero knows your siblings were eavesdropping, right on the other side of the door.

He had to be careful and play the fool if he wanted to get you out of this hell hole.

"Y/n please-"

You shook your head repeatedly, pulling him closer to you as you shrieked at him. "No. NO! I wont let you go! I WON'T LET YOU LEAVE WITHOUT ME! Keigo, I'm begging you! Take me with you, please! I'll die! I'll die! I'LL FUCKING DIE, KEIGO! PLEASE!"

Your loud screams had your siblings bursting through the door, obviously using a spare key. "Y/n, whats wrong-" You jumped away when they touched your shoulder, giving Hawks chance to slip away.

You instantly reached out for him, flailing your arms around to get a hold of him again. But the hero was already out the door and your siblings quickly pulled you back into their arms, shushing you, trying to calm you down.

But you were inconsolable. Thrashing around in Shotou's arms, you kept begging for Hawks to come back. "HAWKS COME BACK! LET ME GO! HAWKS, PLEASE! I'LL DIE! I'LL DIE! I'LL DIE!" It pained them to see you like this, so hysterical; Shotou and Fuyumi whispered sweet nothings but you payed them no mind. Natsuo knew you were going to hyperventilate soon, but he was more worried about you bursting a vessel in your head.

Thinking fast, he quickly brought up a tranquilliser- and the moment the sharp smell of the alcohol swab hit your nose, you were wrestling harder to get out Shotou's and Fuyumi's arms.

"Y/n, please calm down-"

"FUCK YOU! LET ME GO! KEIGO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! COME BACK- STOP! STOP TOUCHING ME! STOP!" You screamed louder than before when you felt her cold hands gripping your arm, holding it still so that your brother could administer the dose.

As the drug began taking effect, your thrashing slowed down before you finally slumped into Shotou's arms. The tranquilliser numbed the headache that was forming, and you felt Fuyumi use a tissue to wipe the snot and the spit off your face.

"I'll die... I'll die... And you won't be there. And I'll die..."

Hawks was in a trance like state as he watched Shotou tuck you under the covers. He wanted to use his sharp feathers to slice off that cold bitch's hand that brushed the hair out of your face, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. Your daunting screams rang through his ears; his chest felt like some was shoving a knife through it slowly as he played back the image of you trying to wring yourself free from their arms, one hand still reaching out for him. It took everything in him not to grab it and pull you away from those monsters, but he had to remind himself of the bigger picture.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even notice the pyromaniac standing next to him until he spoke.

"This is all your fault."

Hawks looked at Dabi. His fault?

"You shouldn't have come here."

"She's my goddaughter-"

"Shut the fuck up." Dabi narrowed his eyes at the hero. "She's like this because you gave her false hope. Hope, that one day she'll get away from us. You and I both know that's not gonna happen." He sighed before continuing. "You call yourself a hero, but in reality, you're no better than us."

As Hawks turned to leave, not willing to let the villian get on his nerves, Dabi spoke again.

"Dont bother coming back. She won't forgive you. She'll never forget this betrayal."

Hurtful as they were, he knew the words he said were true.

Hawks was almost out the gates when he saw Enji sitting in the garden, looking at the koi pond. He should've left, should've flown away but there was something in Enji's eyes that had the winged hero walking towards him. He recognised the emotion as soon as he got close.

Sorrow.

Or was it guilt?

Perhaps a mixture of both.

"Endeavour, are you... alright?"

The number 1 hero looked away from the fish and blinked at him.

"Hawks? What are you still doing here?"

The blonde chuckled nervously. "I was just on my way out." He gazed at him. "Are you okay? You seem to be in deep thought."

Enji only stared at him. Taking his silence as the answer, Hawks turned to leave.

"Why did you come here today, Keigo?"

Keigo.

He suppressed the urge to shudder the way his name rolled off his tongue.

"She's my goddaughter too. Why? Do you think it was a bad decision to come?"

"No." Enji sighed. "I just- she hadn't laughed like that in a long time."

Hawks stood beside him. "She's still traumatised from the kitchen accident. Its understable-"

"No. She hadn't laughed like that for a long time, even before this happened." Enji's eyes moved towards the night sky. The stars were twinkling extra bright tonight. How he wished you could see it. "Before she lost her sight, she used to look out the window, her eyes searching sky." He gulped. "She was looking for you, Keigo. You- you made her happy, you make her laugh. I don't."

Hawks placed his hand on Enji's shoulder. "That's not true, Enji. You do make her happy. She loves you. She feels safe with you. She sees you as her protector."

"She does?"

He nodded. "Of course. If you want things to return to normal, you need to treat her normally too. Just- just talk to her. Sort out the issues and wash away whatever fears she has." Hawks wanted Enji to listen to you, to really listen to you and protect you from Rei. He could only hope that Enji understood what he meant.

Hawks was right, Enji realised. Whatever delusions you have of Rei wanting to hurt you on purpose, of being the "bad person", they can all be cleared up if he just talked to you. Ever since the incident, the family avoided talking to you about Rei or the events that had occurred that day.

If he just talked to you, things will return to normal. You'll become happy again.

"Thank you, Keigo."

Hawks only smiled in return. "I'll be leaving now."

"Okay. When will you visit again?"

"I'll be gone for longer now. The hero commission is sending me on another mission again."

"Oh. Safe travels, then."

As Hawks flew away, he began thinking about the house.

The house where he was going to take you to soon. He just needs to add a few finishing touches before he sets his plan in motion. The plan to rescue you, and eventually Enji, from those sadist that call themselves your family.

He will not let his dove get hurt again.

He'll save you this time.

He promises.

Thoughts?

Idk how this turned out, angst wasn't the plan initially. Guess I'll write godfather Hawks fluff for another day.

Anyways, now that this is done, I'll start working on RE 8 fic now.

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v-hope · 3 years

Text

Fall Out, 9:47PM — Belong

Warning: Familiar argument/fight and violence (nothing major).

Feeling his pocket vibrate over and over as Jimin kept spamming him with texts for him to go back downstairs where the party was taking place, he kept on walking, completely ignoring his best friend’s pleads, as he knew all too well that Jimin would not make a scene, which would definitely happen if he ran after him to stop him.

It wasn’t like he was trying to start a fight or anything. He had just seen you talk to your parents by the other side of the room — neither of you looking precisely happy as you made your way upstairs, where Jimin had pointed out your bedroom was. And, although he was dying to know what was going on, he knew he could always ask you afterwards. It was watching Sungjin going up right after you, what made him decide he was joining whatever was happening up there as well.

After all, he was your boyfriend. Not Sungjin. Even if the entire world believed otherwise.

It took him a good couple of minutes to find your room, for the mansion you used to live in was way bigger than he had expected — the music downstairs being barely audible anymore as he kept walking deeper into the second floor. He would probably have ended up giving up and going back down with Jimin to keep on drinking his feelings away, if it weren’t for the fact that he caught a glimpse of Sungjin after having turned right into what he thought, and hoped, was the last hallway.

Lee remained outside of a white door that Taehyung supposed belonged to your bedroom — palms lightly pressed to it as he tried his best to listen to what you and your parents were talking about inside.

“Stalker much?” Taehyung couldn’t help but call out once he reached his side, voice quiet as he tried his best for you not to listen to them from the other side of the door.

Sungjin rolled his eyes, taking a step back from the door. “Just worried”.

“What’s there to be worried about?”

“Y/N’s trying to talk them out of going on the trip, that won’t end up well”.

Taehyung frowned, clear panic mixed with confusion in his eyes. “What trip?”

Sungjin froze, petrified eyes locking with Taehyung’s to try and find out whether he was playing dumb or not.

“Yah, what trip are you talking about?” Taehyung pushed it.

“She… She didn’t tell you?”

He shook his head no. And for a moment there, staring into the dumbfounded and quite worried expression on Sungjin's face, he forgot that he didn’t know about your relationship to begin with. He seemed way too aware not to.

Nevertheless, even if Sungjin didn’t know you and Taehyung had been a couple for a good amount of months by now, he was not stupid — the chemistry between the two of you, and the way you cared for one another, were too much for him not to notice. Therefore, he was indeed taken aback over you not telling Taehyung you were going on a family trip with him.

Before Sungjin could even begin to try and give him an explanation, however, both their heads snapped back to the door — the voices inside becoming louder and closer to where they were standing. Just enough for them to be heard through the door, even more considering both guys pressed their ears to it without a second thought.

“You never listen to me!” your exasperated voice was the first one they heard. “I don’t want to do this anymore, just let me go already”.

“You can still change your mind, dear” your mother spoke up. “We said one year and we’re not giving up on showing you that you belong here until the last second”.

“Will you ever leave me alone after that?” your broken words made Taehyung feel uneasy. “Because this one year was supposed to be for me to show you I could survive on my own, which, by the way, I already did. It was never for you to convince me to stay”.

“We would be morons not to try and make you stay, dear”.

“I’m starting to believe the two of you will sabotage my life until I come crawling back here with you”.

“All we’re asking is for you to consider your choices until the year is done. We’re not monsters, darling” it was your father the one to speak up this time, causing Taehyung to roll his eyes right as you scoffed quite loudly.

“Lately that is all I can see you two as”.

“Excuse me?”

“What I just said,” although your voice trembled, it was confident enough. “I love you both so much, but all you’ve done this past year is make my life harder. I loved my life here, with its ups and downs, until the Jimin incident happened and you guys became even more controlling than you ever were”.

“We just want what’s best for you” your mother tried to make you understand. “All we want is for you to have the best things in life, Y/N”.

“And I have everything I need back home with Taehyung”.

Sungjin’s eyes snapped up to Taehyung, who bit the inside of his cheek, trying his best not to smile at your words, as your relationship had apparently been exposed to your fake fiancé right then.

“Please, that is not your home” your mother laughed, in a way that made your boyfriend’s blood boil. “You belong here, dear. You’re a Kim. You have always been and will always be a Kim. I know you will come to your senses and marry Sungjin so you can take after our business with your brother. You’re coming with us and that’s final”.

“Watch me. I’m not going on that trip”.

That’s when the doorknob turned and you came out of the room, stopping in your tracks when you stood face to face with the two nosy guys who didn’t know where to hide right then.

“What are you doing here?” your father’s voice was heard over yours — threatening eyes not on Sungjin, but on Taehyung.

Your boyfriend, however, did not take one step back. “Trying to find out what’s going on here”.

“I will tell you what’s going on here, handsome” your mother interrupted, unintentionally using the pet name you had for him — in a despective way, of course. He hated it. “Our daughter deserves better than you. She will come with us on a family trip with Sungjin and his family, so she can spend some quality time with her fiancé and realise how much happier she would be if she just married him and stayed here with us”.

“I’m not staying”.

“Whether you like it or not, this is reality” your mother kept talking to Taehyung regardless of your addition. “Did you really think a heiress like her could fall for a cheap artist like you?”

“Don’t you dare talk to him like that” you defended him in a heartbeat.

Taehyung, on the other hand, stayed silent.

He knew that was not what you thought. He had heard you only one minute ago tell your parents that you wanted to be with him, that your home was with him. Nevertheless, it hurt. Hearing all those things hurt, because they were exactly what he had been thinking when he saw you act ever so happily with your guests downstairs as your birthday gala went on.

No mater how many actual proof he had of you wanting to stay with him, he couldn’t help but think that there was still a chance, as small as it could be, of you coming back here with your parents and leaving him. Maybe it was the trauma of having lost all his loved ones before, he wasn’t sure. But, whatever it was, he couldn’t help but feel like he would lose you in the end.

They were right, in a way. You were used to this lifestyle. And he wished he could give you this kind of life. But he couldn’t. He could not afford it. He would never be able to afford it.

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that” your mother fought back. “You still are my daughter, dear. Know your place”.

“Please,” you let out a breathy laugh. “I’ve known my place all along. Now you should take a hint and know yours, mother. Taehyung is my boyfriend”.

“And I am your mother”.

“I don’t care who you are! I love him! I love him and I’m staying with him, whether you like it or n—”

Your words were cut off by a burning feel in your cheek, one that a second later you learned had been caused by your mother’s hand colliding with it.

That was all it took for the two guys present to run next to you. Taehyung was faster, though — warm, familiar hands cupping your face and checking up on your already swollen cheek, his worried eyes silently asking your teary ones if you were okay, only glaring at your mother once you had nodded your head.

“What is wrong with you?!”

“I’m her mother, she owes me respect”.

“She owes you nothing!” he pulled you to him. “She is an adult, why can’t you get that?”

“We do not owe you any explanations” your father said, so calmingly it was infuriating.

“I would like an explanation, though” Sungjin mumbled. “Since I could possibly be marrying into this family”.

“Sungjin-ah…” your mother warned him.

“You just hit your daughter. In front of our eyes. You cannot possibly believe that is alright”.

“I believe the two of you don’t have a say in this”.

“As her possible future husband, I think I do”.

“And as her actual boyfriend,” Taehyung’s low voice caught their attention. “I will be taking her away from you now”.

Before they could stop you, his hand travelled up to your shoulder, securely keeping you by his side as he turned around and guided you away from the dramatic scene you had been involved in.

“I wouldn’t stop her from going on the trip with us tomorrow if I were you” your father spoke up as the two of you walked away from them. “Wouldn’t want your precious art to go downhill”.

“Whatever”.

You stared up at him, not being able to hide just how much both your father’s threat and Taehyung’s careless answer had worried you. Daring your parents was like playing with fire, and you didn’t want him to burn — especially not when he had found himself involved in this whole situation because of you.

All the confidence you had once felt about not going on the trip no matter what card they pulled on you, gone. For they were no longer using a card against you, but on him. You could not drag him into a fight that wasn’t his.

But he didn’t seem to mind. And, if he did, he was hiding it very damn well. With his eyes fixed ahead of you, he did nothing but keep walking aimlessly.

Although his first thought had been to take you home, he couldn’t ignore the fact that the place was filled with paps waiting outside so they could pester with questions and picture whoever it was that left the gala. Definitely not the way to go when you’re trying to keep a relationship secret. So, instead, he took you to one of the bathrooms on the second floor — informing you where he wanted to go and having you point out for him where the closest bathroom was.

Once inside, he made sure to lock the door, later lifting you up by your waist and sitting you down on the sink. Turning the hot water on, he wet a small towel and gently pressed it to the swollen skin on your cheek, causing a small whimper to escape your mouth at the contact.

“Are you really okay?” his eyes fixed on yours.

You nodded, a small smile curving up the corners of your lips. “Should’ve seen the one she gave me after finding out about Jimin and I”.

“It’s not funny” he shook his head, eyes just as worried as before.

“Sorry” you lowered your head. “I’m okay, though. It hurt me more what she said to you”.

“It was nothing” he lied, pressing the towel to your face one last time before he put it down next to you on the sink.

“None of it is true” you reassured him.

“Even the trip bit?”

You bit your lip, feeling your chest tighten as you knew you could no longer keep this from him; not when you had not managed to make your parents change their mind. You shook your head no. “That part is true…”

“So you’re truly going on a ‘family trip’ with them” his voice let you know just how bad he was not having it. “When?”

You said nothing, staring down at your hands resting on your lap as you nervously fidgeted with your fingers.

“Y/N?” he pushed it, your silence alone letting him know he would not like the answer he was looking for. “When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow”.

Silence.

And then, a breathy laugh escaped his mouth — an incredulous one, with no signs of humor in it whatsoever.

“Tomorrow?” he repeated. “You’re leaving tomorrow for God knows how long, on a trip with the one guy you’re possibly marrying, and you’re only now telling me?”

“I’m not marrying him” you mumbled.

“Were you even planning on telling me at all?” he asked, not seeming to care about your quiet correction. “Or were you just leaving tomorrow and letting me know once you were in a hotel room on the other side of the world?”

“Don’t be like that…”

“Then how do you want me to be, Y/N? Don’t I have a right to know my girlfriend is going on a trip with another guy?”

“I was trying to stop the trip altogether” you tried to explain. “That’s why I was talking to my parents. I do not want to go, Taehyung. I was trying to make them change their mind”.

“Well, that surely worked” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry” you held his hands in yours. “I tried, I really did”.

“So that’s it?” he asked coldly. “You’re going?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Yes!” he took a step back, hands slipping from yours. “You do. You’ve had a choice all along, yet you’ve decided to still follow your parents’ orders even after all this time”.

“My father literally threatened your career if I ended up not going”.

“I don’t care what he does to my career. I can go back to work part time and keep it as a hobby for all I care”.

“I won’t let you do that”.

“I told you I don’t care about it,” his voice turned stern. “Why do you?”

“Because I don’t want to be the reason your life is sabotaged”.

“My life is being sabotaged right now and it’s got nothing to do with my art”.

That had you furrowing your eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“This, right now” he pointed to you and back at him. “I want to be with you, Y/N. But you’re not letting me, you’re making all the decisions for me”.

“I’m not making any decisions for you”.

“Yes, you are” he threw his head back in exasperation. “You’re choosing my career over you right now and I’m not even getting a say on it. It’s supposed to be my decision and I’d choose you in a heartbeat”.

“Taehyung…”

“Just stay here” he pleaded in a small whisper, his forehead faintly resting on yours. “With me”.

You bit your bottom lip, in a poor attempt at stopping it from trembling as your eyes welled up with tears. “I can’t…” you managed to whisper. “I can’t risk it. Even if I did stay, you would end up hating me for having ruined for you what you love the most”.

“I love you the most”.

You shook your head no. Your heart hurt more with every passing second. “It’s only going to be a couple of days. We won’t be there for longer than a week, an—”

“I don’t care how long it’s going to be,” he once again withdrew from your touch. “I don’t want you to go”.

“Taehyung, they have contacts in every single art gallery in the country” you pointed out, letting him know what he would be facing.

“I don’t care” he repeated, growing more frustrated by the second. “I’ve been very understanding when it comes to keeping our relationship a secret and you going out with Sungjin and acting like a couple all the time we’ve been dating, but I am not letting you go on a romantic trip with him”.

“It’s not a romantic trip”.

“No, you’re right. It’s a family trip” his words sounded venomous. “Do you know how much more that hurts? You’re supposed to be my family, not his”.

“I am!” you cupped his face, pulling him close enough for your forehead to rest on his. “I am your family, handsome. I’m never going to be his. But it’s just this once,” your thumbs softly caressed his cheeks. “Just this once, and then the last month will be gone and I won’t ever have to go out with him and act like a couple again”.

Taehyung shook his head, defeatedly closing his eyes. “It won’t end there,” he sighed. “You know that, right? After the trip there will be a family dinner, then maybe another gala, then a proposal, th—”

“No” you cut him off. “No, that won’t happen. I won’t let it happen”.

“They threatened us with my career, Y/N. They won’t let that card go” he reminded you. “And although I don’t care about it, you seem to do”.

“I just can’t bear to be the reason your dream goes to waste. I know my parents” you tried to explain. “This one month left will be over soon…”

“Why not stop everything now then?”

“They won’t let me. The deal was one year, they won’t let me give the remaining month up, don’t you think I’ve tried already?” your voice broke. “If I had known I would fall for you three months in, I wouldn’t have agreed to one year”.

He sighed, feeling his own eyes well up with tears, yet doing his best to stop them from falling. “I don’t want you to go…”

“I promise it will be just for a few days”.

“Just a few days are enough for you to change your mind”.

You froze at his words, a part of you understanding what he meant, yet not wanting to believe it. “What?”

Taehyung bit the inside of his cheek. He had said it out of spite, out of hurt, but it was done, and now you were waiting for an answer. So, he gave you one.

“I saw how happy you looked tonight. The way you would talk with those girls you’ve always said are not your friends. The way you would lock your arm with Sungjin’s and smile next to him all night long”.

“There are cameras everywhere, I was acting”.

“Didn’t look like acting” he mumbled.

You sighed, fixing your hair as you tried to come up with the right words. “I admit I did enjoy myself every now and then, but that doesn’t mean I want to stay here”.

“Try saying that after multiple nights having caviar and champagne for dinner”.

“You’re being unfair”.

“I am being unfair?” he scoffed. “I’m not the one going on a trip with the person I could end up marrying”.

“I won’t end up marrying him!” you repeated what you had been saying for over a year now. “I love you, not him. I won’t leave you and I will not marry him. You just… don’t trust me at all, do you?”

“Don’t try to turn the tables” he warned you.

“No, I know I hurt you and I know I’m in the wrong, and that you have all the right to be mad at me right now. But you should know better than to believe I will just drop what we have over a fancy life”.

“Well, it’s been nearly a year and you still haven’t let this double life of yours go. Plus, you didn’t move out because you hated this lifestyle, but because you didn’t want an arranged marriage, so…”

“So that’s what you think? That I will fall right back for this lifestyle’s charms and end up leaving you?” you tried to look for his eyes, only to have him stare intently to the wall on the side. “Do you think I changed from the way I was when we first met at all?”

He shrugged, and it was the fact that he stayed silent for a few seconds, actually considering his answer, what hurt you the most. “They’re your parents after all. Your family… or at least your biological one. You still love them no matter how bad they treat you, and I guess I get it. You just don’t seem ready to let them go”.

“I just told my parents that I love you and am staying with you” you pushed it.

“Words mean nothing when you’re showing the exact opposite” his words felt like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown at you. “If you wanted to stay with me like you say, we wouldn’t be having this argument right now”.

“It’s not that simple, you know that” you whispered.

He shrugged, saying nothing else as his eyes remained fixed anywhere else but in yours.

“I don’t see this conversation going anywhere anymore” you managed to quietly say, when you could no longer take the overwhelming silence that had taken over the room.

“On that we agree” he stated, taking another step back. “I’ll head back home”.

“I’ll be there once we’re done here”.

Taehyung nodded, reaching for the door and stopping once his hand was on the knob. He took a deep breath. “I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight”.

Your chest tightened, finding it hard to both breathe and speak, but you managed to do so nevertheless. “What’s the point of me going back home then?”

“Don’t you have clothes to pack?” his head turned to you.

You shrugged, avoiding his eyes. “I can manage with what I have here”.

“Right. You can manage” his jaw tensed, the same way his hand tensed around the doorknob. “Stay here then”.

And without another word, he left.

638 notes · View notes

transgenderteensurvivalguide · 3 years

Link

“Elliot Page doesn’t remember exactly how long he had been asking.

But he does remember the acute feeling of triumph when, around age 9, he was finally allowed to cut his hair short. “I felt like a boy,” Page says. “I wanted to be a boy. I would ask my mom if I could be someday.” Growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Page visualized himself as a boy in imaginary games, freed from the discomfort of how other people saw him: as a girl. After the haircut, strangers finally started perceiving him the way he saw himself, and it felt both right and exciting.

The joy was short-lived. Months later, Page got his first break, landing a part as a daughter in a Canadian mining family in the TV movie Pit Pony. He wore a wig for the film, and when Pit Pony became a TV show, he grew his hair out again. “I became a professional actor at the age of 10,” Page says. And pursuing that passion came with a difficult compromise. “Of course I had to look a certain way.”

We are speaking in late February. It is the first interview Page, 34, has given since disclosing in December that he is transgender, in a heartfelt letter posted to Instagram, and he is crying before I have even uttered a question. “Sorry, I’m going to be emotional, but that’s cool, right?” he says, smiling through his tears.

It’s hard for him to talk about the days that led up to that disclosure. When I ask how he was feeling, he looks away, his neck exposed by a new short haircut. After a pause, he presses his hand to his heart and closes his eyes. “This feeling of true excitement and deep gratitude to have made it to this point in my life,” he says, “mixed with a lot of fear and anxiety.”

It’s not hard to understand why a trans person would be dealing with conflicting feelings in this moment. Increased social acceptance has led to more young people describing themselves as trans—1.8% of Gen Z compared with 0.2% of boomers, according to a recent Gallup poll—yet this has fueled conservatives who are stoking fears about a “transgender craze.” President Joe Biden has restored the right of transgender military members to serve openly, and in Hollywood, trans people have never had more meaningful time onscreen. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling is leveraging her cultural capital to oppose transgender equality in the name of feminism, and lawmakers are arguing in the halls of Congress over the validity of gender identities. “Sex has become a political football in the culture wars,” says Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice at the ACLU.

(Full article with photos continued under the “read more”)

And so Page—who charmed America as a precocious pregnant teenager in Juno, constructed dreamscapes in Inception and now stars in Netflix’s hit superhero show The Umbrella Academy, the third season of which he’s filming in Toronto—expected that his news would be met with both applause and vitriol. “What I was anticipating was a lot of support and love and a massive amount of hatred and transphobia,” says Page. “That’s essentially what happened.” What he did not anticipate was just how big this story would be. Page’s announcement, which made him one of the most famous out trans people in the world, started trending on Twitter in more than 20 countries. He gained more than 400,000 new followers on Instagram on that day alone. Thousands of articles were published. Likes and shares reached the millions. Right-wing podcasters readied their rhetoric about “women in men’s locker rooms.” Casting directors reached out to Page’s manager saying it would be an honor to cast Page in their next big movie.

So, it was a lot. Over the course of two conversations, Page will say that understanding himself in all the specifics remains a work in progress. Fathoming one’s gender, an identity innate and performed, personal and social, fixed and evolving, is complicated enough without being under a spotlight that never seems to turn off. But having arrived at a critical juncture, Page feels a deep sense of responsibility to share his truth. “Extremely influential people are spreading these myths and damaging rhetoric—every day you’re seeing our existence debated,” Page says. “Transgender people are so very real.”

That role in Pit Pony led to other productions and eventually, when Page was 16, to a film called Mouth to Mouth. Playing a young anarchist, Page had a chance to cut his hair again. This time, he shaved it off completely. The kids at his high school teased him, but in photos he has posted from that time on social media he looks at ease. Page’s head was still shaved when he mailed in an audition tape for the 2005 thriller Hard Candy. The people in charge of casting asked him to audition again in a wig. Soon, the hair was back.

Page’s tour de force performance in Hard Candy led, two years later, to Juno, a low-budget indie film that brought Page Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations and sudden megafame. The actor, then 21, struggled with the stresses of that ascension. The endless primping, red carpets and magazine spreads were all agonizing reminders of the disconnect between how the world saw Page and who he knew himself to be. “I just never recognized myself,” Page says. “For a long time I could not even look at a photo of myself.” It was difficult to watch the movies too, especially ones in which he played more feminine roles.

Page loved making movies, but he also felt alienated by Hollywood and its standards. Alia Shawkat, a close friend and co-star in 2009’s Whip It,describes all the attention from Juno as scarring. “He had a really hard time with the press and expectations,” Shawkat says. “‘Put this on! And look this way! And this is sexy!’”

By the time he appeared in blockbusters like X-Men: The Last Stand and Inception, Page was suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He didn’t know, he says, “how to explain to people that even though [I was] an actor, just putting on a T-shirt cut for a woman would make me so unwell.” Shawkat recalls Page’s struggles with clothes. “I’d be like, ‘Hey, look at all these nice outfits you’re getting,’ and he would say, ‘It’s not me. It feels like a costume,’” she says. Page tried to convince himself that he was fine, that someone who was fortunate enough to have made it shouldn’t have complaints. But he felt exhausted by the work required to “just exist,” and thought more than once about quitting acting.

In 2014, Page came out as gay, despite feeling for years that “being out was impossible” given his career. (Gender identity and sexual orientation are, of course, distinct, but one queer identity can coexist with another.) In an emotional speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference, Page talked about being part of an industry “that places crushing standards” on actors and viewers alike. “There are pervasive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity that define how we’re all supposed to act, dress and speak,” Page went on. “And they serve no one.”

The actor started wearing suits on the red carpet. He found love, marrying choreographer Emma Portner in 2018. He asserted more agency in his career, producing his own films with LGBTQ leads like Freeheld and My Days of Mercy. And he made a masculine wardrobe a condition of taking roles. Yet the daily discord was becoming unbearable. “The difference in how I felt before coming out as gay to after was massive,” says Page. “But did the discomfort in my body ever go away? No, no, no, no.”

In part, it was the isolation forced by the pandemic that brought to a head Page’s wrestling with gender. (Page and Portner separated last summer, and the two divorced in early 2021. “We’ve remained close friends,” Page says.) “I had a lot of time on my own to really focus on things that I think, in so many ways, unconsciously, I was avoiding,” he says. He was inspired by trailblazing trans icons like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox, who found success in Hollywood while living authentically. Trans writers helped him understand his feelings; Page saw himself reflected in P. Carl’s memoir Becoming a Man. Eventually “shame and discomfort” gave way to revelation. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” Page says, “and letting myself fully become who I am.”

This led to a series of decisions. One was asking the world to call him by a different name, Elliot, which he says he’s always liked. Page has a tattoo that says E.P. PHONE HOME, a reference to a movie about a young boy with that name. “I loved E.T. when I was a kid and always wanted to look like the boys in the movies, right?” he says. The other decision was to use different pronouns—for the record, both he/him and they/them are fine. (When I ask if he has a preference on pronouns for the purposes of this story, Page says, “He/him is great.”)

A day before we first speak, Page will talk to his mom about this interview and she will tell him, “I’m just so proud of my son.” He grows emotional relating this and tries to explain that his mom, the daughter of a minister, who was born in the 1950s, was always trying to do what she thought was best for her child, even if that meant encouraging young Page to act like a girl. “She wants me to be who I am and supports me fully,” Page says. “It is a testament to how people really change.”

Another decision was to get top surgery. Page volunteers this information early in our conversation; at the time he posted his disclosure on Instagram, he was recovering in Toronto. Like many trans people, Page emphasizes being trans isn’t all about surgery. For some people, it’s unnecessary. For others, it’s unaffordable. For the wider world, the media’s focus on it has sensationalized transgender bodies, inviting invasive and inappropriate questions. But Page describes surgery as something that, for him, has made it possible to finally recognize himself when he looks in the mirror, providing catharsis he’s been waiting for since the “total hell” of puberty. “It has completely transformed my life,” he says. So much of his energy was spent on being uncomfortable in his body, he says. Now he has that energy back.

For the transgender community at large, visibility does not automatically lead to acceptance. Around the globe, transgender people deal disproportionately with violence and discrimination. Anti-trans hate crimes are on the rise in the U.K. along with increasingly transphobic rhetoric in newspapers and tabloids. In the U.S., in addition to the perennial challenges trans people face with issues like poverty and homelessness, a flurry of bills in state legislatures would make it a crime to provide transition-related medical care to trans youth. And crass old jokes are still in circulation. When Biden lifted the ban on open service for transgender troops, Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che did a bit on Weekend Update about the policy being called “don’t ask, don’t tuck.”

Page says coming out as trans was “selfish” on one level: “It’s for me. I want to live and be who I am.” But he also felt a moral imperative to do so, given the times. Human identity is complicated and mysterious, but politics insists on fitting everything into boxes. In today’s culture wars, simplistic beliefs about gender—e.g., chromosomes = destiny—are so widespread and so deep-seated that many people who hold those beliefs don’t feel compelled to consider whether they might be incomplete or prejudiced. On Feb. 24, after a passionate debate on legislation that would ban discrimination against LGBTQ people, Representative Marie Newman, an Illinois Democrat, proudly displayed the pride flag in support of her daughter, who is trans. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican, responded by hanging a poster outside her office that read: There are TWO genders: MALE & FEMALE.

The next day Dr. Rachel Levine, who stands to become the first openly transgender federal official confirmed by the Senate, endured a tirade from Senator Rand Paul about “genital mutilation” during her confirmation hearing. My second conversation with Page happens shortly after this. He brings it up almost immediately, and seems both heartbroken and determined. He wants to emphasize that top surgery, for him, was “not only life-changing but lifesaving.” He implores people to educate themselves about trans lives, to learn how crucial medical care can be, to understand that lack of access to it is one of the many reasons that an estimated 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide, according to one survey.

Page has been in the political trenches for a while, having leaned into progressive activism after coming out as queer in 2014. For two seasons, he and best friend Ian Daniel filmed Gaycation, a Viceland series that explored LGBTQ culture around the world and, at one point, showed Page grilling Senator Ted Cruz at the Iowa State Fair about discrimination against queer people. In 2019, Page made a documentary called There’s Something in the Water, which explores environmental hardships experienced by communities of color in Nova Scotia, with $350,000 of his own money. That activism extends to his own industry: in 2017, he published a Facebook post that, among other things, accused director Brett Ratner of forcibly outing him as gay on the set of an X-Men movie. (A representative for Ratner did not respond to a request for comment.)

As a trans person who is white, wealthy and famous, Page has a unique kind of privilege, and with it an opportunity to advocate for those with less. According to the U.S. Trans Survey, a large-scale report from 2015, transgender people of color are more likely to experience unemployment, harassment by police and refusals of medical care. Nearly half of all Black respondents reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed and/or physically attacked in the past year. Trans people as a group fare much worse on such stats than the general population. “My privilege has allowed me to have resources to get through and to be where I am today,” Page says, “and of course I want to use that privilege and platform to help in the ways I can.”

Since his disclosure, Page has been mostly quiet on social media. One exception has been to tweet on behalf of the ACLU, which is in the midst of fighting anti-trans bills and laws around the country, including those that ban transgender girls and women from participating in sports. Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves says he will sign such a bill in the name of “protect[ing] young girls.” Page played competitive soccer and vividly recalls the agony of being told he would have to play on the girls’ team once he aged out of mixed-gender squads. After an appeal, Page was allowed to play with the boys for an additional year. Today, several bills list genitalia as a requirement for deciding who plays on which team. “I would have been in that position as a kid,” Page says. “It’s horrific.”

All this advocacy is unlikely to make life easier. “You can’t enter into certain spaces as a public trans person,” says the ACLU’s Strangio, “without being prepared to spend some percentage of your life being threatened and harassed.” Yet, while he seems overwhelmed at times, Page is also eager. Many of the political attacks on trans people—whether it is a mandate that bathroom use be determined by birth sex, a blanket ban on medical interventions for trans kids or the suggestion that trans men are simply wayward women beguiled by male privilege—carry the same subtext: that trans people are mistaken about who they are. “We know who we are,” Page says. “People cling to these firm ideas [about gender] because it makes people feel safe. But if we could just celebrate all the wonderful complexities of people, the world would be such a better place.”

Even if Page weren’t vocal, his public presence would communicate something powerful. That is in part because of what Paisley Currah, a professor of political science at Brooklyn College, calls “visibility gaps.” Historically, trans women have been more visible, in culture and in Hollywood, than trans men. There are many explanations: Our culture is obsessed with femininity. Men’s bodies are less policed and scrutinized. Patriarchal people tend to get more emotional about who is considered to be in the same category as their daughters. “And a lot of trans men don’t stand out as trans,” says Currah, who is a trans man himself. “I think we’ve taken up less of the public’s attention because masculinity is sort of the norm.”

During our interviews, Page will repeatedly refer to himself as a “transgender guy.” He also calls himself nonbinary and queer, but for him, transmasculinity is at the center of the conversation right now. “It’s a complicated journey,” he says, “and an ongoing process.”

While the visibility gap means that trans men have been spared some of the hate endured by trans women, it has also meant that people like Page have had fewer models. “There were no examples,” Page says of growing up in Halifax in the 1990s. There are many queer people who have felt “that how they feel deep inside isn’t a real thing because they never saw it reflected back to them,” says Tiq Milan, an activist, author and transgender man. Page offers a reflection: “They can see that and say, ‘You know what, that’s who I am too,’” Milan says. When there aren’t examples, he says, “people make monsters of us.”

For decades, that was something Hollywood did. As detailed in the 2020 Netflix documentary Disclosure, transgender people have been portrayed onscreen as villainous and deceitful, tragic subplots or the butt of jokes. In a sign of just how far the industry has come—spurred on by productions like Pose and trailblazers like Mock—Netflix offered to change the credits on The Umbrella Academy the same day that its star posted his statement on social media. Now when an episode ends, the first words viewers see are “Elliot Page.”

Today, there are many out trans and nonbinary actors, directors and producers. Storylines involving trans people are more common, more respectful. Sometimes that aspect of identity is even incidental, rather than the crux of a morality tale. And yet Hollywood can still seem a frightening place for LGBTQ people to come out. “It’s an industry that says, ‘Don’t do that,’” says director Silas Howard, who got his break on Amazon’s show Transparent, which made efforts to hire transgender crew members. “I wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t have a trans initiative,” Howard says. “I’m always aware of that.”

So what will it mean for Page’s career? While Page has appeared in many projects, he also faced challenges landing female leads because he didn’t fit Hollywood’s narrow mold. Since Page’s Instagram post, his team is seeing more activity than they have in years. Many of the offers coming in—to direct, to produce, to act—are trans-related, but there are also some “dude roles.”

Downtime in quarantine helped Page accept his gender identity. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” he says.

Page was attracted to the role of Vanya in The Umbrella Academy because—in the first season, released in 2019—Vanya is crushed by self-loathing, believing herself to be the only ordinary sibling in an extraordinary family. The character can barely summon the courage to move through the world. “I related to how much Vanya was closed off,” Page says. Now on set filming the third season, co-workers have seen a change in the actor. “It seems like there’s a tremendous weight off his shoulders, a feeling of comfort,” says showrunner Steve Blackman. “There’s a lightness, a lot more smiling.” For Page, returning to set has been validating, if awkward at times. Yes, people accidentally use the wrong pronouns—“It’s going to be an adjustment,” Page says—but co-workers also see and acknowledge him.

The debate over whether cisgender people, who have repeatedly collected awards for playing trans characters, should continue to do so has largely been settled. However, trans actors have rarely been considered for cisgender parts. Whatever challenges might lie ahead, Page seems exuberant about playing a new spectrum of roles. “I’m really excited to act, now that I’m fully who I am, in this body,” Page says. “No matter the challenges and difficult moments of this, nothing amounts to getting to feel how I feel now.”

This includes having short hair again. During our interview, Page keeps rearranging strands on his forehead. It took a long time for him to return to the barber’s chair and ask to cut it short, but he got there. And how did that haircut feel?

Page tears up again, then smiles. “I just could not have enjoyed it more,” he says.”

#suicide m #transphobia m #Elliot Page #transgender #representation #celebrities #actors #tv #movies #rep #trans #transmasculine #nonbinary #queer #long post

2K notes · View notes

ppersonna · 3 years

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out of my league - knj | 01

you were out of my league. got my heartbeat racing. if i die, don't wake me, cause you are more than just a dream - out of my league, fitz and the tantrums

✹ summary- Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out about your years-long hopeless crush on him. And he most definitely was not supposed to find out about it in front of all your coworkers in a company-wide meeting.

✹ rating- explicit/18+/nsfw

✹ pairing- kim namjoon x reader

✹ word count- 6.6k

✹ genre- angst, smut, comedy

✹ chapter warnings- swearing, descriptions of sex, sexual content, namjoon being a sexy flirt, jungkook being a himbo, awkward conversations, jimin being a protective bff

✹ a/n- hello and welcome to this fic thats lived in my google docs for almost a year now. without @ladyartemesia @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen and @chimoona, i would never have posted it. i truly owe so much of my brainstorming and creativity to their incredible brains and thoughts and ideas. i love them very much! i hope you enjoy this first chapter! please feel free to message me, talk to me abt anything!! im always here to chat. ILY!

MASTERLIST

Kim Namjoon was never supposed to find out this way.

You planned to confess your undying, unerring love for your coworker at a better time, a classier place. You would wear a dress that highlighted your features, hair cascading down your back, makeup done to perfection and spritzed with expensive perfume. You’d confess, he’d confess right back, and you’d live happily ever after.

You’d also dreamt that Kim Namjoon would have the slightest inkling of who you are before he finds out about your year long crush. He might know you as the mousy girl in the office who doesn’t talk and doesn’t contribute much other than some crunched numbers and apparently the best coffee brewer in the office. But you’d prefer he knows you well—your favorite colors and movies and foods, what makes you happy and sad; things future husbands should know.

You very much did not think it would happen in a company wide conference, full of over five hundred suit-wearing executives. You did not think it would be done by the office bully, Chungha, who carefully takes over the mic and speaks the words clearly as she presents awards of recognition.

“Congratulations to Kim Namjoon for 5 years with the company, over $4 million in revenue, and the object of ____’s lust and affection. I’m sure you two will have the happy life she’s written in her journal about. Make sure you celebrate with her today!”

The room is silent, so silent you could have heard a pin drop from a mile away. Your face is cherry red and you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole. Your heart feels like someone has ripped it in half and you stare in horror at the girl smirking at the front. Is this what it feels like to be backstabbed? Namjoon looks perplexed—confusion written on his face as he gestures around to no one in particular like he’s saying ‘what the fuck was that?’

Awkward coughing and clapping begins and Namjoon stands to receive his award, a fine wooden fountain pen, and chances a glance around the room. He easily spots you, with your wide, frightened face. His look remains passive, not hinting what he’s thinking behind those stormy eyes, before he turns and sits back down at the table with his buddies from his department.

You seriously contemplate quitting your job. You could find a new one easily, right? Just stand up and tell your boss you quit and you’re out of there before Namjoon ever sees you again and you’ll never have to face the mean girl who’s ratting you out.

As much as the idea rolls through your head, you know you won’t do it. You love your job, love the security and finances it provides you, and you love to look at Kim Namjoon, all day every day.

You don’t understand where things went wrong.

( one month ago )

It’s 9:03 am. You finish brewing the coffee in the small staff kitchen and sigh at the aroma of the freshly ground beans. Coffee is your favorite meal, favorite time of day, favorite snack, and preferred beverage. You drink it constantly. You’re known as “coffee girl” at work, mostly because no one really bothers to get to know you beyond that. You drink coffee like it’s a devoted religion. You could drink a cup right before bed and still sleep like a baby. It was, put simply, your drink.

The office workers deem you to be the one to make the pots of coffee every morning, claiming you were the ‘best’. You didn’t mind—you preferred to make your own coffee regardless—but you believe your coworkers are trying to pass off the twenty-minute job to someone lower in the office hierarchy. And you were one step above the interns.

The coffee machine chimes to let you know it’s hot, and it’s ready for you. You eagerly pour a mug, a large one, and smile as the waft of freshly ground beans (by you, of course) fills your senses.

You nearly knock the cup out of your hand as Kim Namjoon strolls into the office, eyes set on the coffee.

You feel your throat swell up, like he’s an allergen and you’re caught without an epi-pen. Butterflies swirl in your stomach and you can’t stop staring at him. He pays you no mind, tired yet determined to pour a cup of coffee and get back to his office.

You stand in the small kitchen, clutching your coffee like a lifeline, and pray to god you don’t do something stupid.

Namjoon pours his mug, and you watch his muscular hands grip the coffee pot. He pours a hefty amount of cream and sugar into his cup—it appears even perfect male specimens have their faults.

Your eyes dance on his face before they tango down his body. You wonder what he looks like in the morning, crawling out of bed with mussed hair and a sleepy smile painted on his face. He’d look at you and tell you you’re the most beautiful girl and kiss you deeply despite morning breath. Maybe he’d take you to the shower to press you against the tile as he fuc-

“Oh!” it startles Namjoon to see you, and the coffee in his hand swishes violently. “Didn’t see you there. Sorry!”

Your heart melts. He’s the picture of kindness and politeness. You recognize it’s been a few seconds and you still haven’t replied.

“It’s fine!”

“Great coffee, by the way,” he smiles. His teeth nearly knock you out cold with their brilliance. “Have a good day.”

He turns and exits the room without so much as a glance back at you. Your knees feel weak.

Kim Namjoon talked to you. He complimented you. He told you to have a good day. It’s the best and most significant conversation you’ve had with your secret crush.

You definitely file that away for another day when you need to reminisce on his compliment, and you scurry out of the kitchen towards your desk.

Park Jimin is waiting dutifully at your desk when you arrive, a smug smile still slapped over your features as you sip at your coffee. Namjoon spoke to you today—how lovely.

Jimin quirks an eyebrow.

“What’s got you so perky this morning?”

You’re normally quiet and passive, avoiding eye contact or any semblance of emotion on your face.

You look up at the blonde bespectacled boy. Park Jimin is the closest thing to a best friend in the company. He’s who you spend time with at lunch, see on weekends, and text often. You suppose he’s the closest thing to a best friend you have in your entire life.

You send him a smirk and lean in close to whisper. “Namjoon said hi to me today!”

Jimin sends you a pitiful look and pats your shoulder. Your best friend is well aware of your secret crush and while he thinks Namjoon is a nice guy, he thinks your crush is a little hopeless. He’s the most popular guy in the office, often has dates lined up every weekend. Jimin hears the way he and his friends talk in the break room. The man is definitely not hurting for female attention.

“Oh, honey,” he sighs, unenthusiastically. “That’s great.” He can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness over how excited you’re getting from a simple ‘hello’ from a coworker.

“I know, right? Anyway, lunch today?” You ask as you settle down into your cubicle.

Jimin pushes his glasses up his face and nods. “Of course! That’s why I came by this morning. I wanted to let you know that Jungkook from marketing will join us.”

You make a face, disgust etched in the lines creasing your forehead.

“Why?”

Jungkook is well known in the company. He’s a loudmouth, a player, a clown, and everyone’s favorite comedian. He’s just not your favorite.

“Don’t be rude,” Jimin admonishes at your grimace. “He asked to join and well—he’s cute. I can’t say no to him.”

“Oh Christ, Jimin,” you groan. “Not you too! Don’t tell me you have the hots for the serial fuckboy?”

He blushes lightly and shrugs. “Maybe I do! Be nice to him today or I’ll eat all your chocolate ice cream I know you have at home.”

You stick your tongue out, petulantly. “Fine, now let me get to work or else Seokjin will be up my ass.”

Jimin smiles and kisses your cheek before he scurries away, back to human resources.

It feels as if barely any time has passed. You’re working hard, running calculations and updating spreadsheets. You have an eye for numbers, and losing yourself in an equation is just another day for you. You’re shaken from your cheerful place by a vibration from your phone, and a text alert popping on the lit screen.

jimin 12:01 pm- it’s lunchtime!! you better get your butt out here!

You smile and text back an affirmative reply, then move to grab your lunch from the company fridge. Gliding down the steps leading to the fresh outdoors, you meet Jimin at the lunch tables in the grass.

Jimin is sitting with Jungkook. You can recognize your best friend by his hair and glasses, and Jungkook by his obnoxious laughter.

“Hi,” you murmur as you sit down and open up the brown bag lunch you’ve brought.

“Hi!” Jimin is excited to see you, and just a pinch over eager to be sitting next to Jungkook.

“You know Jungkook, right?” Jimin asks, a harsh look in his eyes that reminds you to be on your best behavior.

You nod as you pull out a bag of grapes. “Oh, yeah, hey,” you smile. “I’ve seen you around.”

Jungkook delivers you a signature smirk and you feel yourself roll your eyes internally. “Yeah, you’re Coffee Girl, right?”

You pout and glare down at your brown bag lunch. Will you ever become more than just Coffee Girl?

“Yeah, I suppose that’s me.”

Jimin clears his throat to dismiss any awkwardness.

“So, Jungkook, I hear you like working out? ___ likes to work out too. She drags me to the gym sometimes. Maybe we could all meet up sometime?” You don’t miss the hopeful lilt in his voice. Jungkook does.

“Oh, yeah?” He narrows a sexy look at you, rather—a look he thinks is sexy that you find off-putting. “What do you do at the gym? Little cardio sets with 5 pound weights?”

What an asshole.

“Sometimes,” you state as you take a bite of the homemade salad you handcrafted last night. “Most of the time I’m lifting heavy. I can bench 275 and deadlift 300.”

Jungkook looks taken back. “What, really?” He sounds breathless. “You lift more than Namjoon-hyung.”

At the sound of the love of your life’s name, you pause. Your face heats quickly and Jungkook smirks. Of course, he recognizes this and not Jimin’s obvious flirting.

“Why are you blushing?” He asks. “Did I say something?”

You’re quick to dismiss things. “Um--no. I just um,” you’re grasping at straws. “I’m hot.”

Jimin is trying not to laugh, hiding his mouth behind a petite hand.

Jungkook tilts his head. “It’s not even sunny today.”

You gulp. “Yeah, I must be hot. With a fever. M-malaria… probably.”

Jungkook snorts.

“You have malaria? Bummer.” He picks at his nails. “I thought for a moment you had a thing for Namjoon.”

“No!” The retort is quick, too quick for normal conversation, and it gives you away.

“Aha!” Jungkook points an accusing finger at you. “You have the hots for him, don’t you?”

Your features melt, and Jimin tries to assuage the situation. “Jungkook, please don’t tell anyone,” he pleads.

Jungkook smiles at you. “That’s so cute. It’s like a little nerdy freshman crushing on the senior class president.”

You bury your head in your hands, suddenly unable to stomach any food.

“Jungkook,” Jimin’s tone becomes more firm, authoritative. “I’m asking you this as a friend. Please, don’t say anything.”

Jungkook holds his hands up to prove his innocence and waves his proverbial white flag.

“Secret is safe with me,” he promises. “But it’s cute. I know him really well, you know. I could try to hook you two up.”

You blanch, unsure if you want Jungkook saying anything about you to the man of your dreams.

“I’m good, but thanks,” you offer meekly. “I’m not feeling well. I’m going to head back to work, okay?”

Jimin frowns, knowing you’re feeling like a cornered animal, and nods. “Feel better, babe,” he sighs.

Jungkook watches as you leave and turns to Jimin. “Man, he’s way out of her league.”

Jimin slaps the boy in the chest. “Be nice, asshole, that’s my best friend.”

Jungkook promises to be nice, and Jimin is blissfully unaware that others are listening and that the man beside him is easy to persuade.

( present day )

The company-wide meeting adjourns soon after what is likely to be the most embarrassing moment you’ve ever lived through.

You’re grabbing at your things and trying to run out of the room, desperate to get out before anyone sees you or talks to you or laughs at you.

A hand grabs at the coattails of your suit jacket and you’re pulled backwards with a yelp. You turn to seek your captor and find the concerned face of your best friend, Jimin.

“Are you okay? What the fuck just happened?”

Jimin’s concern makes it all real. Until now you could pretend you were in a fugue state, totally dissociated from reality. Now, you realize that everyone in the entire company is aware of your crush on Kim Namjoon.

You can feel your bottom lip wobble, tears threatening to spill. Jimin murmurs an ‘oh shit’ and drags you out of the large room and into the nearest bathroom. He pushes you to sit against the sink and passes you toilet paper to dab at your eyes.

“I don’t know how she found out!” you cry. “God, I feel so stupid and embarrassed.”

It incenses Jimin. He’s holding it back to ensure you’re okay, but in reality, it’s an HR nightmare waiting to happen. He’ll find who did it and punish them accordingly.

They will suffer.

“It’s okay, babe,” he pulls you into a hug. “Everyone will forget about it soon. They’ll think it’s just a lame office joke, okay?”

You nod, feeling the slightest bit comforted by his words.

“How could she find out, Jiminie?” You ask with a sniffle. “You’re the only person who knows.”

Jimin sighs and shakes his head.

“I don’t know, but they’re dead. I haven’t told any-... oh, my god,” Jimin stops suddenly. You look up at him to catch what he’s thinking.

He growls and balls his fists.

“Jungkook knew.”

You let out a sob and bawl your eyes out into the tissue you’re holding. Jimin holds you tighter while he conjures up a hundred different ways to hurt someone and make it look like an accident.

“Don’t worry,” Jimin sighs, trying to comfort both you and himself. “I’m HR. I have to handle this. I’ll make sure they get what they deserve.”

You feel a sting of pain for Jimin. He’s been hopelessly doting on the man who spilled the beans for a few months now, even got to take him on a few dates. It was still nothing serious, but Jimin was clearly smitten.

“I’m sorry you have to do that, Chim,” you whisper. “I know how you feel about him.”

“Yeah, well,” he swallows thickly. “You’re more important than any asshole.”

Jimin holds you tight for a few minutes longer, before you clean yourself up and steel yourself. Ignore everyone, Jimin encourages. Just get to work, he says. Then you can go home and we’ll drink wine and forget about it all, he promises.

You replay his words in his head like a prayer as you walk down the corridors and towards your office. Everyone in the hallways stops to stare at you. They lean towards their friends and whisper. You hear snippets of their gossip, like “Namjoon” and “out of her league”. It drives the sharp blade lodged in your chest even further. It threatens to collapse your lungs and break your ribs.

You make it to your desk safe and sound and bury yourself in work and forcibly ignore the gawking and the stares.

Just make it home. Just get through the day. You’re almost there.

You could do this.

You nearly make it the entire day before running into the one person you didn’t want to see, Kim Namjoon.

At the end of the day, you’re taking the stairs down to the parking garage instead of the elevator. The elevator is too busy, too many people, and you’re trying to avoid the stares and giggles at your expense. The stairs are always deserted and you figure it’s your safest bet.

You can nearly hear the wine calling your name at home. A delicate glass of Sauvignon Blanc and some chocolate ice cream and a good cry—it sounds like the best and only way to unwind after the worst day you’ve ever had in your life.

The chanting of your name gets louder and you wonder if you’ve finally lost your mind—if you’re actually hearing your wine bottles all the way at home talking to you.

No, wait. The voice is real, and coming from behind you. You turn around to face who’s calling you and nearly faint at the sight.

Kim Namjoon stands on the landing above you, one strip of stairs between you.

“Hey!” He seems glad he’s caught you. “I’ve been calling your name for a minute.”

You swallow and search for an answer.

“Sorry, I’m-.. I guess I’m just a little out of it today.”

Namjoon grimaces.

“Yeah, about that…” he begins as he takes the steps down to be on equal ground as you. Your heart is spinning wildly. He’s so close to you. He’s talking to you. On any other day you’d be erupting towards the sky like a firework. But today isn’t any other day.

“I feel like I should apologize,” he states. “I don’t know what happened. I didn’t plan it or anything.”

Damn him and his kindness. Damn him and his cute, awkward smile.

“No, no,” you assure. “I know you didn’t. You don’t have to apologize.”

It’s hard to make eye contact with the man. You want to, know it’s important in intense conversations like this, but the thought of him seeing you—really seeing you makes you ache inside.

“It was a really shitty prank,” he begins. “I’m sure you don’t even know who I am, let alone have a crush on me.”

For the millionth time that day, your face heats to a near boil. You stammer and you’re sure you’ve blown any chance at even thinking about a date with Namjoon.

“Oh, uh, right,” you seek an answer, beg your brain to pick something to say that doesn’t make you sound stupid. “I do.”

“You do what?” He’s confused and you widen your eyes at what just left your mouth.

“I do know you! I mean, I do have a crush on you! Oh, fuck,” you shove your face into your hands. “Please, ignore that. I need to go. Sorry!” You don’t give him a chance to reply, you book it out of the stairway as fast as your heels will take you.

Today was the worst day you’ve suffered through in your life.

The next few days aren’t much better.

Not only are you “coffee girl”, you’re now also sarcastically called “Namjoon’s girl”. As much as you hate your initial title, you’d prefer it to the new one they throw at you as you walk by.

Jimin rats out Jungkook and Chungha to the bosses. They get two weeks probation and they have to write you apology letters if they wish to keep their permanent files clean of any reprimands. It’s a slap on the wrist, and everyone involved knows it. Jimin is furious and wants the boss to reconsider. You tell him not to push it. You’d rather this be over and everyone to forget it even happened. Jimin unwillingly agrees.

You’re working at your desk, earphones shoved in your ears to diffuse the gossip in the room, when you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn and are greeted with the face of Judas Iscariot himself, Jeon Jungkook.

“Hi,” he sounds sheepish, cheeks reddening.

You narrow your eyes at him, sharper than steel. “What the fuck do you want?”

He winces, knowing he deserved that. “Well, I just wanted to apologize. I know they told me to write you a letter, but it seems too impersonal…”.

You can’t believe Jungkook is sucking his ego up and actually coming to you to apologize. You thought he’d for sure be the one to cop out and send a shitty letter.

He continues.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry that all went down. I didn’t mean to tell her. She got me drunk and said she saw me eating lunch with you and Jimin. I think she was jealous or something and it slipped out. I know that’s not an excuse. I fucked up your trust and Jimin’s trust. But I just wanted you to know I didn’t do it to be an asshole. She sort of duped me.”

You pause as you take in the man’s apology. He didn’t have to come to you in person. He could have easily taken the shitty route and half-assed a letter to you. But he didn't, and he owned up to his mistake. God dammit.

“I appreciate your apology, Jungkook,” you sigh and you see his body visibly relax. “I’m still mad, but I guess the anger is at her for doing it in the first place. I’m sorry she tricked you.”

He breathes a sigh of relief and kneels down beside you. “I’m really happy you believe me. I was worried you were going to kick me in the nuts.

“I won’t lie, I thought about it.”

He smiles with you, and you feel like this is the restart of a friendship. “I definitely deserved it.”

You shrug and smile. “Jimin would kill me for hurting you. He might even kill me for thinking about hurting you.”

Jungkook’s smile drops at the name of your best friend. Yikes. Looks like there’s still trouble in paradise.

“I think you’d be in similar company with Jimin right now. He’s not speaking to me.”

You let out a breath through your nose. “Yeah, he’s a little protective of me.”

“For good reason,” he admits. “You’re like a cute little flower. A cute nerdy flower.”

“Jungkook,” you warn. “I just forgave you after I was humiliated in front of the entire company. I’d be careful with calling me nerdy right now.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

It’s hard to stay mad at the boy, no matter how much you dislike his reputation around the office. The fact that he humbled himself enough to seek you out and apologize is proof enough to you of his character.

“It’s okay, Jungkook. I forgive you,” you smile. “Thank you for apologizing.”

He rubs the back of his neck anxiously as his cheeks flare red.

“Yeah, it felt pretty shitty to just… do anything else. Plus, you seem really cool.”

“You seem great, too, Jungkook.”

He smiles and pulls you in for a hug, catching you off guard. For the fuckboy type, he’s surprisingly sensitive and soft. You like that about him.

“I’ll see you around, okay?” He says as he pulls away from you.

“Maybe you should apologize to Jimin, too?”

His smile drops, but he nods anyway. “Yeah, maybe I’ll go find him now.”

“Good luck,” you offer with a pat on his shoulder.

With a sad smile, he turns and heads down the hallway towards the HR department. You pray Jimin shows mercy to the handsome boy.

A few weeks go by, and you’re sure that everyone has forgotten about you and your most embarrassing moment to date. You make the coffee, you calculate the numbers, everyone ignores you. Things return to relative normalcy.

Until it doesn't. The moment you think you're safe is the moment your guard comes down and everything falls apart around you.

It's when you're in the staff kitchen, grinding fresh beans to brew a second pot of coffee, that it happens.

The kitchen is fuller than usual. You normally try to wait until the lunchtime crowd dwindles and leaves to make your second pot, but you're so desperate for the caffeine that you can't find it in you to care.

You trudge into the kitchen with your handy coffee mug clutched in your tired hands and head towards the cupboards to grind up the beans.

There's a few groups of coworkers lingering in the room, and as your grinder whirs the beans around into a powder, you chance a look around to see who's among the crowd.

Your eyes flick immediately to where a hearty laugh erupts. It makes your heart still in your throat. Namjoon sits with his usual crowd of friends, hand gripping a homemade sandwich while the other assists him in telling his story to his friends. He pays you no mind—why would he?—and you can't help but stare at the way his dark brown hair lays perfectly against his forehead, and his eyes crinkle so cutely at the edges when he smiles.

You nearly forget about the coffee grounds—you're snapped out of your Namjoon-induced trance when suddenly a woman's laugh echoes around the room.

"Look at her," the voice states.

You peer up and see a girl you vaguely recognize. Is she from Marketing? Or perhaps Sales? You’re not sure, but she’s staring at you with a sneer.

“She’s so weirdly obsessed with Namjoon. It’s so creepy.”

Your face turns cherry red and you’re sure your lungs stop functioning. The air your body needs to breathe freezes and your chest aches.

Namjoon turns to look at the girl before he looks and sees you grasping your coffee grounds tightly.

“Chungha was right—it’s so weird. Namjoon, you should talk to HR about this!”

Namjoon turns back to the gossiping coworker and frowns. “Can you leave it alone? She wasn’t even doing anything.”

The girl huffs and crosses her arms over her chest and looks back at Namjoon.

“How can you stand to be in the same room as her? She clearly thinks she has a chance with you.”

Her words come out like a bite. She punctuates her point with a harsh laugh and the group around her mumbles and chuckles in agreement.

You’re desperately grabbing at anything you can, wanting to leave as quickly as possible before you’re embarrassed further.

“Well, she does!” Namjoon replies loudly, annoyance written in his features. “I was actually going to ask her to dinner this weekend in private, but since everyone is so fucking interested in my love life, I have to do it publicly.”

The room falls silent, and your favorite mug falls out from your hands and shatters on the floor. All sets of eyes stare at you while yours widen with disbelief—you don't even care that you’re standing in a pool of old coffee and shattered ceramic.

Namjoon stands and heads over to you, bending down to pick up the shards of your coffee mug. You take a few stunted breaths to kneel and help.

His eyes peer into yours. They’re warm—a chocolate brown color that makes you feel safe.

“What do you say?” He asks with a smile so gentle it nearly breaks your heart. “Will you let me take you out this weekend?”

You’re gaping like a fish and the surrounding room is silent—bated breath waiting for your reply.

“Yes, I would l-love that.”

His smile turns even brighter, and he stands to throw the broken mug away.

“I’ll email you the details, okay?”

Your head nods dumbly without thinking. His eyes sparkle as he smiles at you, and he extends his hand down to you to assist you off the floor. As your hand slips into his, you can’t help but feel how soft and strong he feels. You wonder what his hand would feel like caressing your face, smoothing down the expanse of your bare back, running down the length of your body.

The thoughts shake out of you as he winks and kisses your hand gently, causing the gossiping coworker to grunt her disapproval and for murmurs of shock to echo around the room.

“I’ll talk to you later, doll.” Namjoon winks at you before he grabs his sandwich and leaves the room, gesturing to his crew to follow along.

The place on your hand felt warm where his lips once lingered. You no longer cared about the angry glares from the rest of your coworkers. Your heart beats wildly in your chest, and you leave the kitchen nearly floating on cloud nine.

Email from: Kim Namjoon

Sent: 3:06 pm

Subject: Hey good lookin ;)

Hey!

Just wanted to see how you are! I’m sorry about what happened at lunchtime. That was super petty and uncalled for. I really wanted to ask you out, and I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much by doing it in front of everyone.

I was wondering if you’d like to go out this Friday night after work? Say around 7? If you send me your address, I’ll pick you up.

Let me know!

Xoxo, Joon

You’re sure if you weren’t sitting in your tiny cubicle, you’d be screaming your lungs out.

The second the notification of the email came through, direct from the man of your desires himself, your body froze.

You re-read the message, over and over and over.

The winky emoji, the xoxo, the nickname ‘joon’. It’s all so much and makes the grin on your face threaten to split your lips in half.

Your fingers press the “FWD” button and you quickly send the message to Jimin, before you stand demurely, attempting to give off an air of professional confidence. You need to talk to Jimin, now.

As soon as you’re out of the eyesight of suspicious coworkers, you bolt down the hallway towards Human Resources. Your high heels click loudly on the tiled floor, but the sound doesn’t even register in your mind. All you can think about is Namjoon, the email, the press of his lips on your hand, the way his smile made you feel as if you could fly.

The door to HR swings open with your tight grip around the doorknob, and you open your mouth to call to Jimin, the lone employee, when you’re startled by the sight ahead of you.

Jimin sits on the edge of his expansive desk with his arms thrown around Jungkook’s neck and is clearly engaged in a deep, sensual kiss. At the sound of the door opening, they quickly break apart, with matching cherry red blushes on their cheeks and mused hair.

“Oh, shit,” you gasp.

The men are silent and you can’t help but giggle after a moment passes. “I’ll take it you two made up?”

Jungkook flashes you a dopey grin, one that gives you an answer, while Jimin smirks haughtily.

“Jungkook and I were just discussing, umm… his 401k.”

Jungkook looks at the blonde boy for a moment, confused, before he gets it. “Yeah! Totally. Retirement. Love to t-talk about it?”

You laugh out loud and walk towards the couple.

“I’m sure it was a titillating discussion,” you tease. “I have good news though, if it’s okay to interrupt this retirement planning session.”

Jimin nods and Jungkook rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I guess I should leave?”

“It’s okay,” you smile. “I trust you.”

Jungkook smiles as if he’s just won the lottery. He looks between you and Jimin, face pure and excited like a puppy.

“What’s up?” Jimin asks as he moves to sit down at his desk.

“I forwarded you an email. Read it.”

Jimin nods and logs on to his posh computer, scrolling and clicking before narrowing his eyes and reading.

“Oh, my god.” Jimin’s face is shocked—it's written all over his features. “Namjoon asked you out?!”

Jungkook’s child-like grin turns into one of shock himself. He runs around to stand behind Jimin, eyes seeking over the words of the email.

“Well, hot damn,” Jungkook whistles. “He asked her out.”

Jimin exchanges a look with Jungkook, one that you’re not sure you can read. It quickly slips your mind, however, as you’re more focused on the task at hand.

“Can you come over tonight after work and help me pick out something to wear?” You ask excitedly.

Jimin smiles at you, a touch of sadness in his eyes, before he nods.

“Of course, babe,” he assures. “We’ll make sure you look nice and hot for the date with Mr. Kim.”

“Thank you!” You squeal as you wrap your arms around your best friend. He hugs you back before you scurry out of the office and back to your cubicle, itching to reply to the message.

Jimin sighs as the door to his office closes behind you.

“Kook, please don’t tell me he’s going to break her heart. He’s asking her out to make himself feel better about this, isn’t he?”

Jungkook slips his hand into Jimin’s and squeezes.

“I’ll find out, baby.”

Jimin smiles and nods appreciatively at the boy, before leaning up and kissing him.

Jungkook smiles against his lips, and is determined to ensure the young HR specialist never hates him again, even if he has to go behind his hyung’s back to ensure his new boyfriend’s happiness.

Jungkook has one mission now, and that’s ensuring Namjoon takes you on the greatest date known to man.

He grills Jimin with questions about what you like over dinner one night. Jimin finds it endearing that Jungkook is so eager to rectify his mistakes, but he still can’t help but worry that Namjoon is doing this to save face—not because he actually likes you.

“So, what does she like doing?” Jungkook asks as he spins his pasta around his chopsticks idly.

Jimin smiles as he takes a bite of the ramen Jungkook has thoughtfully prepared for their stay-at-home date.

“I’ve told you already! She’s easy to figure out.” Jimin pats Jungkook’s hand gently. “She loves cooking and baking, working out, daydreaming about Namjoon.”

“Cooking, hm,” Jungkook looks thoughtful as he takes a bite. “I think Namjoon can work with that. I’ll let him know!”

Jimin tries to hide the anxiety brewing in his stomach. He’s had to plaster on a fake smile for you while you tried on different outfits, wondering which will be the one to finally convince Namjoon he is the one for you. It’s hard to fake it around his boyfriend, too—but something tugs in his stomach that flares the cynical side of him.

Namjoon went from not knowing of your existence, to watching you get publicly embarrassed in a matter of minutes. While Namjoon isn’t a terrible guy, Jimin knows he doesn’t like anything to tarnish the gentleman reputation he’s built in the office. And as much as Jimin likes him, and surely likes his friend Jungkook, he can’t help but feel skeptical.

Jungkook hurriedly pulls out his phone and types away, letting his elder friend know of what he’s found out. Jimin swallows his food, and his pride, and hopes to god his growing cynicism is wrong.

Friday comes slower than you’d like. You wake up every day during the week, one day closer, and your eagerness hits peak levels. Namjoon sees you in the hallways during the week and winks at you, hands shoved in his tight slacks that make you salivate.

He emails you again Thursday afternoon, confirming things and getting your address. You reply in nanoseconds, uncaring how overeager you come off.

By the time your alarm clock rings on Friday morning, you’ve already been awake for 4 hours.

All you can do is daydream about the date, the way his hand fits into yours, the warmth of his eyes when he smiles at you.

It’s what fuels you through work.

You hope to god the numbers you’re attempting to work during the day come out right, because your mind is elsewhere for more than most of the day. There isn’t enough coffee in the world, but also your body feels as if you’ve overdosed on caffeine already.

The clock eeks towards 5:00 pm and you’re bolting out the door at 4:56 to head home and get ready for your date.

Jimin attempts to meet you before you leave, but your desk is cold and empty by the time he gets there.

He sighs and heads back towards his office to gather his things, waving bye to various coworkers as they file out of the corporate building.

He turns the corner towards his office but stops in his tracks as he sees Namjoon’s back to him, phone pressed to his ear.

“Baby, I’ll come over later tonight, okay?” Namjoon speaks into the phone.

Jimin feels his heart fall into the pit of his stomach. He retreats and hides behind a wall, ear carefully peeled to listen to the tall man’s conversation.

“I’m going on this date with that chick from work,” he sighs. “It won’t last more than a few hours. Poor girl has a crush on me and you know the usual assholes won’t leave her alone.”

Jimin bites his lip and clenches his fist. Namjoon thinks he means well, but he knows his suspicions have been confirmed, and he’s torn inside. He wants to tell you, to warn you not to get too invested in the man, but he also has no interest in popping the bubble you’ve been in since the day he asked you out.

Jimin lets it simmer for now. He decides he’ll monitor Namjoon and cut things off if it appears the man strings you along for fun.

Namjoon finishes his phone call with a promise to see whoever is on the other end of the phone later that night, and Jimin quickly pulls out his phone and fakes a conversation with no one when he hears the man approach.

“Oh, Kookie,” Jimin giggles, leaning against the wall casually. “I can’t wait to see you tonight, either, babe.”

Namjoon walks towards Jimin and makes eye contact with the HR specialist.

“Bye, Kook! See you tonight, baby.” Jimin finishes up the fake phone call as Namjoon arrives next to him, and he plasters on his best fake smile.

“Congrats on you and Jungkook,” he speaks sincerely.

Jimin hates how nice he is, hates that he’s a nice guy who gets too wrapped up in his own good looks and reputation.

“Thanks, Namjoon,” Jimin smiles uneasily. “You too! Have fun on your date tonight.”

Namjoon’s face lights up and Jimin desperately wishes he could go back in time to 30 seconds ago, before he heard the conversation, and believe that Namjoon truly wanted to date you.

“Thanks, should be fun, huh?” He winks and nudges Jimin, before he waves a goodbye and continues out the door.

Jimin pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials the number of his boyfriend.

“Hey, baby. We’ve got a problem.”

tag list! - @jimidol @aretha170 @dearbambideer

#kim namjoon smut #kim namjoon #bts smut #bts fics #namjoon smut #out of my league #knj #knj smut #rap monster smut #JOOOOOOOOOONie

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bluejayblueskies · 3 years

Note

For the Touches Ask Game, if you can, a little Jonmartin with Touching/9?

Thank you so much, I love your writing!!! 😭💕

touches prompt list

9 - holding hands across the table

i did a season two lunch dinner date fic! cw for mentions of paranoia/stalking and murder (in typical s2 fashion)

They’ve been having lunch together for two months when Martin asks, with enough stuttering that it takes Jon a moment to process his words, if Jon would like to get dinner with him.

Jon hesitates only briefly before agreeing. Between finding out about Martin’s CV and the newly delivered CCTV footage, he’s almost entirely convinced that Martin did not, in fact, murder Gertrude Robinson and that his various attempts to make sure Jon eats and sleeps and drinks tea are simply a result of Martin being… well. Being nice, he supposes. If overbearingly so.

Why Martin feels the need to coddle Jon, he doesn’t quite know. But if he’s being honest with himself, he’s… not complaining. His frequent skipping of meals often isn’t an intentional thing, born instead of his tendency to get so wrapped up in his work that hours fly by without him noticing, and while sometimes he’s irritated when his flow is interrupted by Martin’s cheery greeting, more often than not it’s… a relief. To step out of the Archives, away from the feeling of eyes on the back of his neck, and pretend like he isn’t working alongside a murderer.

Maybe a murderer. He… he doesn’t know. According to the CCTV footage, Tim and Sasha and Martin and Elias all have alibis. But he still can’t shake the feeling that he gets, sitting in his office or walking down the corridors or reading through statements, that something isn’t right.

That there’s something in the Archives that’s not supposed to be there.

So, it’s… nice to get outside. And as much as Tim may joke about it—or… used to joke about it, at least—Jon does, in fact, try to eat three square meals a day if he can remember to do so. Try being the operative word. He’s been… caught up in work lately, and often he glances at the clock to see that it’s well past ten and he’s accidentally skipped dinner entirely. He hadn’t thought Martin had noticed, given that the man doesn’t live in the Archives anymore and typically leaves promptly at five along with Tim and Sasha, but evidently, he was wrong.

As Jon sits across the table from Martin at the small café they’ve chosen for lunch, he has the fleeting thought that Martin’s been sneaking back and watching him work and that’s how he knows that Jon has been missing dinner. He lets himself feel it, takes a deep breath, and pushes it away with considerable effort. No, that’s not… he trusts Martin. He does. Or he… he wants to. He’s trying.

“Jon?”

“Hm?” Jon blinks up at Martin, who’s clearly waiting for a response. “Sorry, I-I didn’t catch that.”

Martin’s cheeks are dusted a rosy red. He fiddles nervously with the black ring on his finger—a bit thicker in width than Jon’s, the metal smooth and bright where it reflects the sunlight. “Is—is this Friday okay? At—at seven? I-I can, um, meet you at the Institute. U-Unless you’d like to meet there! That’s, er. That’s fine with me too.”

“The Institute is fine,” Jon says, picking at his sandwich with a frown. The bread is damp and squishes under his fingers. “Perhaps we can go somewhere a bit less… soggy.”

“R-Right, yeah. I, um. I was actually thinking… you know that new bistro o-over in Clapham? M-Maybe not, it’s, er. It’s new. But I-I heard it has good South Asian food, which, um. I know you like.”

Martin’s face is fully crimson by this point. Maybe we should sit inside next time, Jon thinks. Or at least in the shade. The sun is rather intense. Martin picks up his mug of tea and takes a long sip, staring resolutely down at the table once he’s done. Jon waits, but it appears that Martin is done rambling, so he says, “Yes, that sounds fine.” Then, because it’s polite (and not untrue): “I am… looking forward to it.”

“O-Oh? Oh!” Martin looks at him, a wide smile spreading across his face. “Y-Yeah, um. M-Me too.”

We should definitely sit inside next time, Jon thinks as the back of his neck grows warm, the tips of his ears surely darkening. Good lord.

He doesn’t think the heat is responsible for the way Martin’s smile makes something in his stomach flutter. He decides to blame that on the atrocious sandwich because… well. It’s as convenient an excuse as any.

Because Martin is just looking out for Jon’s wellbeing. This is no different than him bringing mugs of tea when Jon is recording statements or accompanying him to A&E to get stitches after Michael or inviting him to lunch in the first place. This is not, he tells his ridiculous, over-zealous, butterfly-filled stomach, a date.

Because it’s not. Martin is simply a coworker—an employee—and a friend. Who he trusts. Maybe. Probably. And thinks about sometimes when he’s unoccupied. His hands, mostly, which look very soft and very capable. His smiles as well, each one like a gift meant just for Jon. The way he carries the heavier boxes that Jon can’t quite manage and can reach the top shelves to retrieve statements without even having to clamber up onto the bottom ones.

All completely normal thoughts to be having about a friend

So, when Jon wears the soft maroon button-down on Friday that he’s been told brings out his eyes and takes care to arrange his hair into something other than the haphazard braid he’s been managing lately and digs a bottle of peach nail varnish out of the bottom of his drawer the night before to coat his fingernails with, it’s just because he feels like it. Not because this is a date. Because it’s not a date. It’s just dinner. With Martin.

Who shows up to the Institute at quarter to seven wearing a nicer jumper than usual—cable-knit and mustard yellow, looking incredibly soft to the touch—and with small black studs decorating the lobes of his ears. He smiles widely when he sees Jon, also standing outside earlier than agreed upon, and Jon almost turns around to see if someone’s behind him. But there isn’t. That smile, unfettered and full of joy—it’s… it’s for him.

Surely, Martin is just… happy to see him leaving the office while it’s still light out for once. He’s certainly chided Jon enough times for his habit of falling asleep at his desk. (Which he’s been trying to do less lately, if only because it would be easy for someone to sneak up on him while he’s unconscious and slip a knife into his back or poison his tea or shoot him three times in the chest or—)

“R-Ready to head out?” Martin says, abruptly halting Jon’s train of thought. He tries not to look like he’d just been theorizing about his own inevitable demise as he mumbles his assent and follows Martin away from the Institute and into the still-bustling streets of London.

And if he presses close to Martin’s side while they walk, well. It’s just because every brush of unfamiliar contact against him feels overwhelming, enough so to make him flinch away. And if he takes Martin’s hand for a small period of time, well. It’s just because the crowd has thickened and he doesn’t want them to get separated. And if he feels particularly warm in his jacket when Martin laughs awkwardly at his own joke and rubs at the back of his neck, well. That’s just from exertion. It is quite a far walk to the restaurant.

The bistro is lovely. Jon typically doesn’t go for places like this—tucked between two nondescript buildings with a glass front that reveals soft, intimate lighting within and flowers planted in boxes outside—but once they’re inside and seated at their table, it’s… oddly charming. Jon shrugs out of his jacket, and even though it’s the same shirt he’s been wearing all day, Martin compliments him on it with a flush. The change from frigid winter air to the warmth of the bistro brings heat to Jon’s face as well, and he rolls up the cuffs of his sleeves to just below his elbows. Martin makes a choking sound, but when Jon looks up with a frown, he has his glass of water pressed to his lips.

“Sorry,” Martin says once he’s placed the glass back on the table. “Just, um. Uh. Tickle in my throat. A-Allergies, you know.”

Martin’s face pinches in what looks like a repressed wince, and Jon tries to be reassuring. After all, Martin is taking time out of his schedule to be here with Jon, and Jon doesn’t want to seem ungrateful. His grandmother taught him proper manners, and besides, he is… rather glad to be here.

His commiseration about his own experiences with seasonal allergies turns into a mini-lecture on the species of pollen-producing plants in their area. He only realizes he’s doing it when the waiter comes by with a cheery smile and asks if they’re ready to order.

Jon’s mouth snaps shut mid-sentence. He has not even opened his menu.

“I. Um.” Jon is about to ask for more time—which he strongly dislikes doing, as he’s had the waiting staff forget more than once about his table and he’s had to go through the mortifying ordeal of hailing them down like a-a bloody taxi—when Martin tilts his own menu toward Jon and points to an item in the middle of the page.

“They have chicken karahi and naan. I, er. I heard it’s good if you’re… interested.”

Jon blinks at the menu in surprise. “That… sounds great, actually. Er, medium spice, please.”

Martin orders his own squash curry, and the waiter takes their menus when he departs, leaving the spot in front of Jon oddly empty. Jon taps his fingers on the newly barren tabletop a few times, trying and failing to remember where he’d left off in his lecture. Ultimately, he gives up, deciding that Martin isn’t going to be interested in hearing about all of that and he’s already said enough on the subject.

Then, Martin says, “So, you were saying—about the pollen?” and something in Jon’s chest squeezes, an emotion he doesn’t know the name of. Relief, maybe, as Martin’s words manage to spark his memory and he picks up his train of thought again easily enough. Yes, that’s… that’s probably it.

The first few times they’d gone to lunch, Jon had made an effort to stop himself from rambling, as he was prone to do any time someone gave him the opportunity. He’d engrossed himself in his sandwiches and rice bowls and mediocre Chinese takeaway in order to keep from launching into an explanation of the origins of said folding takeaway containers or the documentary he’d watched recently about the Zhou dynasty. And the first few lunches had been… awkward. It wasn’t because Jon thought Martin was a murderer—he doesn’t think he’d have agreed to go for lunch if he truly believed that Martin might harm him. It was just… how things like this went when Jon was involved. He knows he struggles with casual conversation, and he’s never understood the purpose or execution of ‘small talk.’ He would be perfectly content to eat and exist in silence, except all too often he feels expected to provide some sort of conversation or entertainment, upon which point the silence becomes horribly oppressive and stress-inducing.

But he also knows that talking too much can be just as bad as not talking enough. His grandmother had always told him so. So he suffered through the awkward silences for the first few days, and Martin had let him, clearly assuming that if Jon wasn’t speaking, he shouldn’t either.

Then, around their fourth or fifth lunch together, Martin had begun to ask him questions. They were casual, genuine, and so clearly targeted at Jon’s interests that Jon was convinced that Martin was somehow following him home or searching through his computer history or—or something. On their eighth lunch together, Martin asked Jon about the newest exhibit at the museum—it had been about sharks, if Jon remembers correctly—and Jon couldn’t help asking how Martin knew that he’d gone to see it. He hadn’t explicitly asked if Martin had been following him, but he’s sure the sentiment was clear in his eyes.

The tips of Martin’s cheeks had grown red, and he’d said that Jon had mentioned a few days prior that he was planning on going. All traces of fear and paranoia had left Jon’s mind then, replaced by surprise and, beneath it, something warm and bubbly. Martin had remembered.

Their conversations had gotten a lot easier after that.

Despite how Martin seems to enjoy Jon’s long-winded tangents, he… does still make an effort not to hold a completely one-sided conversation. So, a few minutes into the continuation of his pollen discussion, he finds a natural stopping point and says, “So, er. You… like being outside?”

Not the most… articulated question Jon has ever asked. But Martin doesn’t seem to mind. His fingers curl around the bottom of his water glass, his palms smudging the condensation. “Yeah, w-when I can find the time, I suppose. I-I try to go for walks around my neighborhood if I can, if it’s not too dark by the time I get home, and there’s this park in—”

Martin cuts off with a small cough. He lifts his glass and takes a long sip, while Jon sits and drums his fingers against the table and tries not to bounce his leg too noticeably. “Sorry,” Martin says as soon as the glass leaves his lips, giving Jon an apologetic smile that somehow seems… artificial. Like it’s been plastered atop another, heavier expression. “S-Something in my throat again.” He hesitates, then continues, “There’s a park in Devon that I-I like, whenever I’m in that area.”

Devon’s quite a trip away, Jon thinks but doesn’t say. Why do you go to Devon? he doesn’t say. Is that where you go on Saturdays? he doesn’t say, because—well. It’s rather embarrassing, among other things, to admit to the fact that you’ve gone through your employee’s desk calendar because you thought he might have shot an old woman three times in the chest and had plans to do the same to you. Particularly when you are having dinner with said employee.

Ugh. Probably best not to think about the fact that he is technically Martin’s boss when he’s sitting three feet away from him at a candlelit table on what, to an outside observer, might look startlingly similar to a date.

But it’s not a date. Because Martin didn’t say it was a date, and he’s just trying to care for Jon, in that… over-the-top way that he does. Jon tries to muster up some irritation at the reminder that he’s likely being coddled, just for habit’s sake, but comes up empty.

He hasn’t been truly irritated with Martin in quite some time. He… doesn’t really know when that changed. When Martin became a source of comfort, rather than of annoyance.

“Jon?” Martin says. Right. Martin is still sitting across from him.

“Right,” Jon says, trying to sound like he hasn’t been drifting off in a hundred different directions. “That sounds… nice.”

Martin’s lips curl up into a small smile. “Yeah. I-It is. It, um. It makes the trip worth it, to be able to sit on one of the benches and just… write poetry.”

Jon has read some of Martin’s poetry, though Martin doesn’t know that. Jon doesn’t like poetry. Jon liked Martin’s poetry. These are, apparently, two truths that can and do coexist.

Jon does not mean to say, “Could I hear one?” But it appears that he is weary enough and relaxed enough and distracted enough that his verbal filter has small, critical holes in it. Damn.

Martin sputters. “U-Um, well, I-I suppose… I could, I-I do have a few, er. M-Memorized, if you—you really…” He trails off uncertainly. “You’re. Um. You’re sure?”

Well. Nothing to do but lean into it, Jon supposes. “I wouldn’t have asked if I weren’t sure, Martin,” he says, a bit snippier than he intends. The tips of his ears are hot, and he is deeply thankful that the dimness of the bistro hides the way they’re surely darkening.

“R-Right.” Martin clears his throat, looks down at the table. “I-I suppose I’ll just… do a short one?”

He proceeds to recite, in quiet, surprisingly stutterless lines, one of the poems that Jon already knows from the notebooks he’d left behind in the Archives. It’s… his favorite, if he were forced to pick one. But there is something different—something more—about hearing Martin speak the words aloud rather than simply reading them on a page. Martin pauses in places Jon hadn’t thought to pause, lingers on words he hadn’t thought to linger on, and adds a softness to the ends of lines and phrases that Jon finds himself enraptured by.

Logically, he knows that it’s not good poetry. He’d begrudgingly taken a poetry class during uni, had hated every minute of it, and had donated all of his books to charity shops the moment he wasn’t in need of them anymore. He’s read Dickens and Poe and Whitman—all the works that are considered great representations of their art form.

Martin’s poetry is nothing like theirs. His lines don’t follow the same rhythms; his words are clumsier, his images less profound. But still, even though Jon knows that it is technically not good poetry, he… he likes it.

He tries not to analyze that feeling too closely.

“So, um. Yeah,” Martin says after he finishes, rubbing his thumb over his ring. “I-It’s not really… great work, heh, you know, s-sorry.”

Jon is not the comforting sort. He’s been told that he’s too sharp at the edges, skin too full of spines and thorns. So he surprises himself, and probably his grandmother from beyond the grave, when he reaches across the table and takes Martin’s hand in his. It’s soft and big, the pads of Martin’s fingers lightly calloused from a past history of manual labor, and Jon thinks just for a moment how small his own hands look in Martin’s. He surprises himself even more when he says, honestly, “I enjoyed it, Martin.”

Martin blinks at him, eyes wide and owlish. His hand is rigid in Jon’s, like he’s afraid that if he moves, he’ll frighten Jon away like a skittish cat. “O-Oh.” It’s hard to tell in the dim light, but Jon thinks Martin might be blushing. “Well. T-Thanks.”

Jon nods once stiffly. He does not retract his hand. At first, it’s because he doesn’t think to do so, too wrapped up in the feeling of his skin against Martin’s. Then, it’s because it’s been long enough that doing so would be more awkward than keeping his hand there. He asks Martin about the inspiration behind the poem, for want of another conversation topic, and Martin talks about the trip he took to the countryside once and how it stuck with him, and Jon’s hand remains atop Martin’s. Martin takes a drink from his glass, and Jon takes a drink from his, but both of them use their free hands, as if in unspoken agreement that this is just how things are now. Jon’s hand is resting atop Martin’s and it will be until he has just cause to move it and that is just the way of the universe. Nothing to be done about it.

Their food comes, and looking extremely regretful about the fact, Martin extracts his hand from underneath Jon’s and reaches for his fork. They don’t mention the loss, and it’s quiet for a period of time while Jon eats his chicken karahi and Martin eats his squash curry and Jon tries not to openly moan at how good the food is.

Something must show on his face, because Martin smiles warmly at him and says, “Well? Was that Yelp reviewer correct when they said that the chicken karahi is ‘literally the best food they’ve ever eaten in their entire life’?”

Jon swallows a bite of admittedly very good chicken. “Well. I don’t know that I would quite go to that extreme, but it is rather enjoyable.” Reminds me of the way my grandmother used to make it, he doesn’t say. That feels like a date conversation, and this isn’t a date.

(It feels very much like a date.)

(It isn’t a date.)

“Good,” Martin says. Then, he smiles, wide and unabashed and like a ray of sunlight, and Jon quickly buries himself in his food again so he doesn’t say something foolish like I really like it when you smile at me like that or Is this a date? or I would very much like this to be a date.

They finish eating, and the waiter takes away their plates with the promise of bringing the check soon. Jon’s hands rest on the table, index finger fiddling with the edge of the cloth placemat in front of him. He’s in the middle of trying to convince himself that yes, it would be ridiculous to take Martin’s hand again, you should definitely not do that on this very much not-a-date, when Martin reaches out and takes Jon’s hand in his. Properly takes it, pressing their palms together and slotting his fingers easily between Jon’s and knocking their rings together as he squeezes gently.

“Um,” Jon says eloquently. He should very much not ask if this is a date. “What are you doing?”

Nope, that’s worse. That’s definitely worse.

“Oh!” Martin lets go of Jon’s hand immediately, and Jon does not try to chase Martin’s hand as it retracts, thank you very much. He’s more dignified than that. “S-Sorry, I thought… I, um. Never mind. I-I shouldn’t have… sorry. Again.”

“It’s fine,” Jon finds himself saying. Then, in an effort to do damage control: “I… didn’t mind.”

“You… didn’t?” Martin seems confused, which is understandable. If Georgie were here, she’d tell him that he’s giving, quote, ‘mixed signals.’ He’d never quite understood what counts as ‘mixed signals,’ and he doesn’t know that he ever will.

“I did not,” Jon confirms. “I just… I suppose I…”

He should not ask if this is a date. He really, really shouldn’t.

“Is this a-a date?”

It appears he’s found another one of the holes in his verbal filter. Lovely.

Martin’s eyes grow impossibly wider. He makes a series of sputtering sounds as Jon waits and tries not to bounce a hole through the floor with the heel of his foot. “You—you didn’t…” Martin seems to have a miniature internal debate with himself, his face cycling through a dozen different expressions over the next few seconds. Finally, he sighs and says, eyes fixated on the table between them, “I had… intended it to be. Though I suppose if—if you didn’t know it was a date, that. Um. Kind of defeats the purpose.”

“Does it?” Jon’s mouth says without his permission.

“I-I mean… you can’t really have a one-sided date,” Martin says with an awkward laugh. The waiter is nowhere to be seen, which Jon is grateful for and disheartened by in equal measure. This situation would certainly be easier with a convenient escape.

“I… suppose.” Jon worries at the edge of the placemat, pulling on a loose thread. “Though, it’s… if this were a date—or, I suppose, if I-I’d known it was meant to be a date—I… wouldn’t have acted much differently.” He pulls harder at the thread, feeling a bit bad for the way the fabric bunches around it. “I… would not have been… that is to say, I would have liked it if… rather, to say that I didn’t think about it would be, er… well, incorrect.”

Martin stares at him, clearly unable to make sense of Jon’s admittedly disjointed, half-finished sentences. Jon sighs and says, under his breath, “I am not opposed to considering tonight a date.”

Martin’s cheeks are red enough now that Jon can see the flush, even in the dim light. “U-Um. What?”

“I am not opposed,” Jon repeats, louder, “to considering tonight a date.” Lord, that’s mortifying to say out loud. How do people do this? To emphasize his point, he sticks his hand out, palm-up on the table. It’s stiff and awkward and he probably looks like a cat with its hackles raised. He focuses on the cable knit of Martin’s jumper so he doesn’t have to see whatever amused or mocking or disappointed expression is on Martin’s face as he realizes just how bad Jon is at all of this.

Martin is quiet for a moment. Then, just as Jon is about to pull his hand away and flee for the exit, he feels a touch against his palm. Martin’s hand settles tentatively atop his—not weaving their fingers together, not even properly holding it, just… pressing together, palm to palm. Jon can feel Martin’s heartbeat faintly against the tips of his fingers where they press against the inside of Martin’s wrist. “Okay,” Martin says softly, like Jon has just given him a precious gift. “Then it’s a date.”

It’s a date. Jon’s skin has absolutely no reason to prickle at those words, nor does his stomach have any reason to squeeze and sprout butterflies. He nods, a bit brusquely, and opens his mouth to say something—god knows what—when the waiter appears next to their table, somehow having both comically bad and impossibly good timing.

Martin pays, despite Jon’s insistence that he can cover his own share, and then they’re back out in the cool night air, making their way toward the tube station. The first few minutes are quiet. There’s a tension between them that feels more anticipatory than awkward. Their hands brush once, twice. Then, on the third time, Martin hooks his fingers around Jon’s and clasps his hand in his, and Jon lets out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

They hold hands all the way to the tube station, up until they have to part ways to take separate lines. Jon runs through all the things that he thinks he’s supposed to say in a situation like this—I had fun tonight or We should do this again sometime or… something—but ends up saying instead, “How long have you…?”

He trails off, squeezing Martin’s hand a few times thoughtlessly, like a warm, bony stress ball. Martin seems to infer the rest of his question, however, because he squeezes Jon’s hand in return and says, “It’s… new for me too, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Jon nods and squeezes Martin’s hand again. He thinks that’s going to become quite a habit if they keep this up. “Right.”

Martin hesitates, before letting his grip on Jon’s hand loosen slightly. “We… we don’t have to do this again if you don’t want to. I-I know things are complicated right now, and I…” He worries his bottom lip between his teeth. “I want to do this again, for… for what it’s worth. But I get it. If you don’t, that is. For—for any reason.”

“I do,” Jon says, surprising himself with his conviction. “I-I don’t… you’re right. Things are… complicated.” That’s certainly a word for it. “But I… I trust you, Martin. O-Or… I want to trust you.” He takes a deep breath. “I am making the decision to trust you.” It’s hard and it’s terrifying and there’s an animal instinct deep within Jon that’s telling him not to expose his vulnerable side, but… somehow, despite all of that, Martin makes him feel… well. Not safe, but as close to safe as he can get right now. Which is an accomplishment in its own right.

Martin exhales slowly and gives Jon a small, hesitant smile. “Thank you. I-I know that’s difficult, and I…” Martin squeezes Jon’s hand, just once. “I-I’m happy.”

And Jon finds that he means it when he says softly, “I’m happy too.”

Martin gets on his train, and Jon gets on his. And despite the ever-present itching beneath his skin and the persistent belief that something isn’t right and the knowledge that he is likely a hunted man, from the moment he lets go of Martin’s hand to the moment he closes his eyes and curls onto his side in bed, that happiness remains.

#tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #jonmartin #ask #anon #this got so incredibly long... i hope you like it!#my writing #my fic

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