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#how do I exist
dootznbootz · 5 months
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I think it's really funny that whenever I bring up or talk about my favorite characters/blorbos, people always assume it's a "crush". Like no, I am obsessed with these freaks because of how much they wouldn't want me.
If my blorbos begin to have a crush on me they would no longer be my favorites. I like them because they're devoted and reckless lovesick fools for their "person" (This goes both ways for both characters)
I like "bonded pairs"
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simplelittlesongs · 11 months
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Started off low and it's sad because I just keeping getting lower
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iamtrashloll · 11 months
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My coffee is empty ._.
How do I exist?
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rooftopvibes · 1 year
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It absolutely tears me apart, everything is crushing down on me. And i thought how can i still exist after reading this? How can i ever be happy? And i understood and felt so understood and i am so sad. I learned and i learned a lot about myself. I wasn’t sleeping, i was in between the lines all night.
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copperhawkthoughts · 2 years
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Chill air rushes in as the dome falls, creeping under your cloak and stinging the sensitive tips of your ears as you begin to press onward into the ruins.
You had removed all of your earrings and cuffs within hours of arriving in Eiselcross; you’d had no desire to court frostbite, and no one to impress at the furthest-flung outpost of the Dynasty. It hadn’t taken you much longer to realize that the soldiers and researchers in your charge wouldn’t have been much impressed if you’d showed up bedecked like the Bright Queen herself.
The soldiers cared about staying alive, and staying warm. The researchers only cared about their studies. Shadowhand or no, you had only mattered to them insofar as you helped or hindered those goals.
It was disconcerting, at first. You hadn’t been so politely disdained in…ever. Your family had never been polite about it, and once you’d attained your rank none but they had dared.
You had spent your first week or so at the Vurmas Outpost completely out-of-sorts; too bright, too cold, too alien - and then you’d realized that if Shadowhand Thelyss didn’t matter to these people then you were very nearly free. Never completely, of course - eyes and ears of two courts everywhere - but enough that perhaps you could just be Essek, whoever that was. Someone these people around you now had seen, somehow. Someone they had liked, enough to forgive, enough to trust.
Strange, how being genuinely liked had given you a taste for it; how having been trusted, even and perhaps especially when you had preemptively betrayed that trust, made you want to be trusted.
So, you let yourself be a student again, learning from your charges of Eiselcross, of its weather, its dangers, its supply problems and personnel issues. You absorbed everything and you began to understand what they needed from you, and then you gave it. A simple starting point.
You were secretly, silently pleased when it began to work; when the squad leaders stopped merely humouring you; when the research leads came to you with improbable demands for materials, or personnel, or to be taken to the next-from-furthest Aeorian ruin right this instant and hadn’t mutinied when you had to tell them ‘no’; when they all began coming to speak to you and not at you.
You didn’t have it in you to mimic Jester’s willful exuberance, and you couldn’t simply read a person’s heart and soul like Caduceus seemed to do, and whatever it was about you that made a sad-eyed wizard offer you grace and trust, you didn’t think it would have the same effect on these people you were meant to lead.
Instead, you’d found yourself thinking of Fjord, and his calm, even demeanour in front of the Queen’s Court, and the way he faded into the background when at home with the Nein - how you had seen him step forward when they needed his skills and step back when they didn’t. You knew now that you had only seen a sliver of his true personality in the time you knew him in Rosohna - in only the last two days you’d seen the calm, capable leader, true, but you’d also seen hints of a striking darkness, and a frankly surprising silliness.
Even now, you watch as Veth needles him about the loss of his hair to the capricious wild magic of Aeor and he plays along, putting on a patently false offence. As she continues to tease, he runs a big hand down his face as though in exasperation, and in its wake his usual appearance is restored. This only seems to spur Veth on and she twists a bit of fluff through her fingers, casting a caricature of Fjord’s hairless head overtop of his own illusion. For a nauseating moment the two spells flicker in and out before Fjord reaches out and ruffles Veth’s hair, breaking her concentration.
These are heroes of the Dynasty, whose influence in both the court of the Queen and the Empire brought a war to a close, and here they are, deep in extremely dangerous territory, hot on the trail of a powerful foe bent on world…domination? Destruction?…playing practical jokes upon one another.
You are struck by the thought, as you pull your fur-lined hood up over your cold ears and fish a small pearl out of your wristpocket, that Verin would like them.
So caught up in this idea are you that when Fjord turns his teasing on you as you bend probability in Veth’s favour for her scouting you find yourself snarking back easily, drawing a chuckle from Fjord and a faint smirk from Caleb.
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me-uglypretty · 2 years
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me: i want a place to escape…and to write whatever i want…share anything or cry about fictional characters….without anyone knowing who i am…have the best of both worlds…
also me: I CRAVE THE UTMOST ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF MY EXISTENCE ON THIS BEATEN PLANET OF LIFE! PLEASE KNOW ME PASS THIS DIGITAL REALM AS I AM MORE THAN THE POST OF WHICH YOU SEE ON YOUR TIMELINE, I AM ALIVE, AND I WISH TO BE KNOWN. PLEASE KNOW ME.
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allskywalkerswhine · 6 months
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in fics where luke gets plopped into the prequels i want every jedi within ten metres of him to think hes the weirdest jedi theyve ever seen. he has negative lightsaber form. he doesnt know what a kata is. he handstands when he meditates. his solution to sith is to try and have a chat. hes a political radical who keeps suggesting revolution. you ask him what the jedi code is and he says "kindness and compassion and helping those in need :) ". you ask how he used the force like that and he says some shit about how you are a luminous being limited only by your mind. the councils authority is just a suggestion. he is somehow the new favourite of both qui gon and yoda
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deltarose · 2 months
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I’m empty
I feel alone
I don’t know what else to say.
Nor what to do.
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inkskinned · 10 months
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the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.
sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.
you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.
it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.
but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.
they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.
they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.
barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.
and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.
but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.
they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!
this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.
#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone#yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post.#writeblr#ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person#and on this blog we support workers.#at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going.#when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens#have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists#and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like.#it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases -#at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory.#it was what i had seen.#and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference#we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol'#so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender#and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID.#he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different#i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.
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taffywabbit · 10 months
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reminding myself there are no truly "bad days", because every single day, someone somewhere in the world has taken a photo of an extremely tiny animal and shown it to someone else, and that's very good actually
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mobius-m-mobius · 5 months
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#the Nowhere Man who waits and the God of Stories who watches
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greelin · 3 months
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ok . combo time
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magic-mint · 9 months
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Do you ever just
Exist incorrectly?????????
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256gb · 25 days
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in case you need further proof re: penn & teller’s shithead basketball
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tides-and-moon · 1 month
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listen hes one of the rat grinders today but tomorrow he could be adaines cool dragon boyfriend. we can make it happen. in this essay i will
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mjulmjul · 1 year
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Katya / Goncharov
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