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#how do i accomodate myself if everything in my brain works against each other
enby-hawke · 7 years
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personal no rb
Don’t understand. Like I have pot finally and it is working somewhat but I’m still manic. Like I can’t stop researching, and reading and brainstorming on how I can get my introverted ass to connect with the other activists I’m protesting with on Sunday. God I’m terrified but I’m tired of doing almost nothing but my time most days. And my mind is energized, I’m never hungry, but my body is exhausted. I’m pretty much just surviving on nuts and really got to calm the fuck down so I can eat food like a normal personal. This stupid fight or flight response just needs constant numbing. 
I mean a man who cited that the left were terrorists linked basically antifa information and history and black lives matter links. And I laughed and couldn’t resist putting a snarky reply about how all the articles were riveting reads.
And then he basically threatened that the FBI would become aware of me if they already weren’t. And now the paranoia won’t leave. Like I’m not making any real plans except to watch, protest, and learn as many useful skills as I can just in case, but I just said a few words and with that threat I am reminded of those before me who have already been taken just for speaking words. 
And I guess he really could do that. And every day I wake up and wonder “ Will Trump take me today or am I just being paranoid.”
Especially since my shitbag racist disphit of a father doesn’t care about the mongrel child he sired. I mean he was originally against Trump. Said he was an idiot. But he’s a moderate with no fucking morals and does whatever the fuck he pleases just like Trump does. In fact because Trump acts and feels so much like my father all of this is a triggering clusterfuck. Now that he’s seen that nothing “too bad” has happened now Trump’s the only way to lead us back to God.
And I don’t understand why I can’t unfriend him. I have cut so many people out of my life. For so many lesser offenses. And yet the man who is the one of the very sources of all my pain and fucked up ness I won’t let go of.
I’ve had this argument before. I’ve pleaded for my white father to see my humanity but he could only see me as white. He could only be proud in the white in me. And now I hate myself so fucking much because I’m white in everything but my skin. I know nothing. He erased my people from me. He never let me learn anything but shame and pain. I hate him more than I hate anyone and yet I still have the capacity to love him. 
Loving him hurts so much. He took everything from me. He always bullied me. Always pushed me around. Always accused me of being a slut (because I was raped repeatedly by trusted acquaintances as a child so now and now can’t help myself supposedly) Always told me lewd inappropriate stories about how he fetishized the women of my people and how much of a savior he was for rescuing my mother of what was surely a terrible life. He played every mind game he could of with my sisters and me. Twisting us against each other. Starting sibling wars so he could keep us from questioning his incompetent parenting. Shutting off Internet and phones rather than let me have any contact with my mother. Almost drove her to bankruptcy forcing as she fought for the courts for visitation. Drove her to depend on a monster of a man who uses her as a punching bag. Literally turned around without parking on a visitation trip claiming my mother didn’t show up again.
But my sisters and I were screaming and pointing, “That’s her car.” And I remember how he locked the doors so we wouldn’t run out. And he said if we unbuckled our seat belts that he swore that he didn’t beat children but he’d make an exception if we didn’t mind him.
And my sisters just sobbed. As we reached towards the back of the car, still grasping for our rightful hour that we had drive 3 hours to go to. 
She had family in the Philippines. She was popular and won many beauty contests and was known for being smart and pretty and hardworking. She could have been so much more if she hadn’t met my dad. I know it’s not my fault but I don’t know how to forgive myself for being born. I was the reason my mother would grow estranged alone in a country, no husband, no family like she was promised. He used her and when he couldn’t get her to behave like a fucking asian doll he never let me see her again just to get back at her. He claims that she falsely accused him of rape but he’s such a fucking awful person I wouldn’t be surprised if he was a rapist. He sure didn’t have a problem fucking my mom’s cousin when she was pregnant with me.
Ah god I don’t know what to do. Either way it’s making myself smaller to accomodate him on my sister’s behalf once again because “forgiveness is the only way and he did right for us by providing us basic needs.”
Gee dad. Thanks for not making me homeless until I was 17. I honestly hoped it would happen sooner but I might be dead in that timeline. (I was thinking of having that as the eulogy as a fuck you when my dad finally drops dead but I’m sure I’d never speak to my family again Xd.) Idk I’m just waiting to be free of his earthly body because the only good thing about our current situation is he isn’t holding my sisters prisoner anymore because he was finally declared incompetent enough to locked in a nursing facility. And I usually don’t wish that fate but he was going to kill my sisters otherwise. 
But I can’t go to my family, “Hey it’s been awhile. Dad wants to see me but he keeps putting Trump’s face on my timeline and I just want him to drop dead.”
How can I possibly be a good person when my gene pool runs with the most toxic family I know? My family drama fucking silences room? When people ask me about myself, all I don’t know how to answer because I feel more an action than a being. And that action is “DoEverythingInMyPowerToUnlearnAllTheToxicShitMyParentsTaughtMe”
I mean I don’t even know who the fuck raised me because I was too busy being an overloaded shit-tier mom at age 9 also balancing an elementary education. I only have stories and books and people in history to look up to. There were so few people in my life that ended up being actual good people. Most were shitty but tried, mega-tier shitty and likes it, and the best response I could hope for was something initially nurturing but almost immediately hinting that I should really get over it if they didn’t outright say that.
Anyways god I was awake for 24 hours again got to go the fuck to sleep. Brain are you done having your mindvomit cause I’d really like to rest now and this is just exhausting existence to live in. 
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